Bayou Catholic | Marriage April 2012

Bayou

Catholic

Marriage HOUMA, LA ~ APRIL 2012

Contents Help!

Family

What can a priest

Remember: You are

offer to couples when

not just marrying

they need help with

a person but marrying

their marriage?

into a family.

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64 Sacrament

Strong

Their mutual love

How to keep your

is a reminder of the

marriage healthy

68

sacrificial love of Jesus Christ.

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and ensure that it stays strong.

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April 2012

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Marriage as sacrament Marriage as a Sacrament Marriage as a sacrament is a serious and sacred commitment that calls a couple to each other in the most profound and permanent way. Their mutual love is a reminder of the sacrificial love of Jesus Christ. By the grace of their sacrament, they become able to love one another as Christ has loved them. As a married couple, they become a visible sign and reminder of Christ’s sacrificial love for all people.

The Engaged Couple A couple desiring to be married is encouraged to contact April 2012

their priest/deacon at least six (6) months (or more) prior to the proposed date of their wedding. This interval allows time to prepare well for such a sacred commitment.

The engaged couple must take an active part in all the steps of these guidelines which apply to them. With the assistance of their priest/deacon, they are to: n Identify and cultivate their strengths, n Deal with the areas of difficulty in their relationship, n Participate in assessment and preparation,

n Recognize that marriage is essentially characterized by unity, fidelity, permanence and an openness to children, n Attend a formal marriage preparation program, n Participate in premarital evaluation and counseling when recommended.

A tentative wedding date may be set at the time of this initial contact with the priest/deacon. When the couple has completed phase two of the marriage preparation process, the tentative wedding date will be confirmed or changed.

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Marriage

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Responsibilities 1. Priest/Deacon The church has the pastoral obligation to assist those desiring to marry to make a prayerful and mature judgment concerning their marriage. In particular, the priest/deacon, who plans to witness a marriage, is personally responsible for the complete marriage preparation process. He has the serious moral and ministerial responsibility to assist the engaged couple in understanding the meaning of Christian marriage in its human, spiritual, canonical and sacramental aspects, and to provide a liturgical experience that truly celebrates and manifests the momentous step that the couple is taking.

2. Community The faithful in each parish share in the pastoral responsibility to help engaged couples prepare for their life together. Married couples have a particular responsibility to witness the holiness of their sacramental life of intimacy, unity, self-sacrificing love and commitment. They may therefore be invited to participate actively in the marriage preparation of engaged couples in their parish.

3. Parents The church recognizes the unique and vital role of parents in the psychological, social, moral and spiritual development of their children. Renewal in the church has included attempts to make sacramental preparation more family centered. Parents are therefore encouraged to respond to the invitation of the priest/deacon to participate actively in the assessment and preparation of their children for marriage in the church whenever possible.

The Marriage Preparation Process All engaged couples are required to receive sacramental preparation and must meet with their priest/ deacon at least six months (or more) prior to the desired wedding date. This marriage preparation process consists of four phases.

1. Phase One: Initial contact with priest/deacon will: n Establish rapport with you in order to support and counsel you at this most important time in April 2012

your life. n Examine your motives for marriage. n Explore any special circumstances that may affect marriage, e.g., age, cultural background, pregnancy, military service, physical or emotional problems, levels of faith and religious issues. n Explain the marriage preparation process. n Obtain personal information, explain what other documentation is needed, and determine whether any dispensations or permissions will be necessary.

2. Phase Two: Assessment process with priest/deacon will: n Administer a Premarital Instrument* to assist in beginning the assessment of your readiness to marry.

n Discuss the results of the FOCCUS instrument. n Discuss the strengths and weaknesses of your communication process. n Examine the sacramental aspects of your human covenant. n Assess your readiness for marriage and complete the prenuptial questionnaire. n Begin the liturgical wedding plans and present to you the parish guidelines. Inform you of the cost and suggested offering. *A premarital instrument is a tool designed to help you assess your readiness for marriage. It is not a pass/fail indicator. Instead it is meant to help you discover more about yourselves and each other in a non-threatening and objective way. Our diocese

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Bayou Catholic • Houma, LA

utilizes the FOCCUS (Facilitating Open Couple Communication Understanding and Study) instrument to help you identify issues that need to be discussed, reflected on, understood, studied for problem-solving, skill-building and decision-making. Your priest/deacon will give you more information at your initial meeting.

During phase two, the priest/ deacon will make the decision to proceed or delay the marriage.

If he proceeds, the wedding date will be confirmed and the process continues. If his decision is to delay the marriage, he will follow the procedure found in Delay of Marriage.

3. Phase Three: Formal marriage preparation This instructional phase, formal marriage preparation, presents the essential human and Christian aspects of marriage so that the couple becomes aware of the total dimensions of the marriage covenant. Formal marriage preparation includes reflection on the nature and sacramentality of marriage, married love and family life, couple prayer, marital responsibilities, communication within marriage, personal expectations, natural family planning and other practical considerations.

There are two approved options in the Diocese of HoumaThibodaux. If you are unable to attend such a formal marriage preparation program, you must discuss this with your priest/deacon immediately.

These are the approved options: n Diocesan Marriage Preparation program n Engaged Encounter Weekend Retreat in the surrounding dioceses

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By the grace of their sacrament, they become able to love one another as Christ has loved them.

your parish priest or deacon at least six months before your desired wedding date. The priest/ deacon will give you a marriage preparation booklet which will include all of this marriage prep information and a registration form to attend the diocese’s marriage prep, “Day for the Engaged.”

Complete the registration form, detach it and mail the form with your registration fee at least three months before the date you would like to attend. Your fee can be paid with a check or money order made payable to the Diocese of HoumaThibodaux. Do not send cash!

Come dressed comfortably. n Saturday, April 21 n Sunday, June 3 n Saturday, July 21 n Sunday, Sept. 16 n Saturday, Nov. 10 4. Phase Four: Completion of

,

marriage prep process with priest/ deacon will: n Discuss with you what you have learned and experienced at your formal marriage preparation program. n Discuss with you your understanding of sacrament in light of your formal marriage preparation. n Discuss with you your responsibilities as members of God’s people, as spouses and future parents. n Complete all documentary requirements. As appropriate, grant permission for mixed marriage and/or apply for appropriate permissions or dispensations. n Discuss the reception of penance and holy Eucharist as a fitting preparation for the sacrament of matrimony. n Finalize the wedding liturgy and discuss the wedding rehearsal.

Schedule of the Day for Marriage Preparation in the Diocese of Houma-Thibodaux n Location: 2779 Hwy 311 Schriever, LA 70395 - Pastoral Center Conference Hall n Arrival Time: 8:45 a.m. (The day begins promptly at 9 a.m.) n Dismissal Time: 3:15 p.m. n Registration Fee: $100 (check or money order) If you are engaged and would like to begin your marriage preparation, you will need to meet with Bayou Catholic • Houma, LA

April 2012

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Marriage

Father Clyde Mahler

I

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believe that couples who seek out a priest when the strain of their relationship is overwhelming are looking for moral support and spiritual guidance. I believe that priests can offer this because we believe that mature adult relationships are touched by the divine spirit, God who “is” love.

Couples who aspire to meet with priests are hoping to figure out what they need to do to stay together. I believe a priest can offer another point of view with the hope that the couple will work, pray, love and stay together.

The Bible tells us that Jesus was present and involved at a wedding at Cana of Galilee. By his very presence, Jesus was the gift to the couple. In his very presence, Jesus was the prayer for the couple. In his very presence, Jesus was their hope. Jesus talked with the couple.

Jesus listened to the couple.

Jesus loved the couple. Jesus also shows us through the miracle at Cana that when couples start “to run out,” he is always willing to “fill to the brim” what needs replenishing. I believe that priests can do the same today through, with and in their priestly vocation.

Couples who come to a priest looking for moral guidance in their marriages come hoping to have trust, confidentiality and spiritual support. Couples come to priests when they feel they need someone objective to listen to what is happening in their relationship.

What priests can offer to a couple is to interpret, or reword in a non-threatening way what he has and has not heard them say because hurt feelings often get in the way. When a priest is invited to listen to a couple’s story, in his presence, he is reminding the couple that God cares and is with them in their many blessings and struggles.

In talking with couples and April 2012

?

What can a priest offer to couples when they need help with their marriage

Guest Columnist

sharing in their lives, I feel that we, as priests, are invited into the sacredness of the soul.

There we often experience the tension of two souls struggling to make sense of hurt, struggles, anger, harsh words, confusion, miscommunication, misunderstanding, depression, emptiness, honesty, forgiveness, promises, reconciliation, hopes, goals and dreams for the future.

God is at the center of all the above, caring and ministering in marriages through his priests.

God’s vocational dream in the sacrament of holy matrimony is for the couple to live happy and fulfilled lives. The model and pattern we have on how to love in relationship is God. God is love.

Love is to surrender to receive. To marry is about surrendering to the spouse, without losing who one is, in order to become all that one is called to become, together.

Even when life changes occur as one matures and ages to the next stage of life; even when things seem to become familiar and routine; even when dreams and goals seem dim, often what is necessary is for the couple to be able to see things from another point of view. Priests can help to do this with the help of the Holy Spirit. Christian options and opportunities may be presented to the couple, but the answers need to come from the spouses themselves who have to live with the decision –together– for life.

How can priests help couples with their marriage? We can help by being present and available like at Cana of Galilee. Couples need to know that they are not alone and need not give up because God is present as promised in their vows.

What a holy vocation! What an adventure! What a commitment is marriage!

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April 2012

Marriage

Guest Columnist Nancy Diedrich LPC, LMFT

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ouldn’t it be wonderful if every day of a marriage could be as blissful as the wedding day? That might be considered idealistic by some people, but in actuality, the days following the wedding day could be better, and even more pleasurable and satisfying. For this to happen, a couple has to understand that their marriage is a process, and a never-ending opportunity to love and to commit to one another again … and again … and again!

In every marriage, as in every life, there will be many changes.

The trick for married couples is to change together in this ongoing process of marriage. The healthiest of marriages are those that have been strengthened

changes, which include health issues, ageing, personality and spirituality development, and job and skill changes. Lives are modified every day and married couples must change together to remain strong. Couples face the demands of child rearing, financial concerns, social concerns and cultural pressures. So, married couples must see their marriage

Keeping your marriage

STRONG by change over a lifetime.

In a growing relationship, a couple should feel as if they are experiencing not one, but many different marriages to each other; learning to love the spouse as he/ she grows and changes throughout the adjustments of life together.

Sometimes, one particular period of marriage may be especially painful or disruptive. Another may be peaceful and happy. There will also be the busy times of building a family, career, friendships and other involvements. People deal with change in their marriage in different ways. Sometimes couples are drawn closer together, and sometimes they are pulled apart by adjustments in their lifestyle.

Couples go through lifestyle April 2012

as the never-ending opportunity to love each other over and over again, not only as they did on their wedding day, but also as they change and become the “new and improved spouse” every day of their journey together.

There are core conditions that must be present in a marriage in order for it to remain resilient and to become even stronger and more enduring. One of these conditions is compatibility. When two people marry, they bring into the relationship their unique qualities, and also their differences.

Throughout the relationship these differences will surface, sometimes bringing conflict and sometimes bringing an opportunity to share an experience, and to appreciate

the diversity brought into the marriage.

It is neither important nor essential that a couple be in agreement in all aspects of their relationship. It is vital, however, that they be aware of and able to discuss those differences with love, acceptance and compromise.

Another core condition necessary to keep a marriage strong is open and honest communication.

Communication can either make or break a marriage. Every couple living together is constantly communicating. They do it through words, in silences, by looks, by gestures, tone of voice, touch, through action or inaction.

Communication skills are greatly influenced by personality styles, and by behaviors learned in families of origin and environment. Sometimes communication between spouses is affected by common blocks to good communication: inability to negotiate issues; inability to reconcile and heal; fear of risking being vulnerable to one another; the need to avoid conflict, and inability to adjust to changing needs of the relationship. Poor communication can drain almost any relationship. Done well, communication is like the “glue” that holds a couple together through anything.

Finally, and most importantly, commitment is a crucial condition to a strong relationship. A marriage commitment is a promise to be faithful. A marriage

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covenant made before God is a promise made with the assurance that God’s blessings and gifts will always be with the couple.

Long term commitment means that a person chooses to build 20 to 30 different marriages with the same person throughout their lifetime together. This requires that marriage be a priority. It recognizes that people grow and change, but they choose to grow and change together. Long-term commitment requires fidelity, forgiveness, shared beliefs and strong values. Commitment is the absolute foundation upon which every loving and lasting relationship is built.

So, can every day of marriage be as blissful as the wedding day?? Yes, absolutely … couples can achieve even more bliss by making their marriage their first priority; always putting each other first, changing and growing together, communicating openly and honestly, and committing to a faithful, loving relationship above all others.

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April 2012

Marriage

What you won’t see or hear at a Catholic wedding 72

By MARYLYNN G. HEWITT Catholic News Service

Although it’s a standard wedding scene in movies, there’s a good reason why you won’t hear “With this ring, I thee wed” at a Catholic marriage ceremony.

“You are wed by your promise” and not by the exchanging of rings, said Father Joseph Gagnon, a senior priest in the Archdiocese of Detroit.

“The ring is a symbol of the promise. If people don’t exchange rings, and sometimes they don’t, they are still married. It is not essential to the process.”

That line is just one of a number of traditions some may expect, but won’t see, at a Catholic wedding.

Asking the question “Who gives this woman to be married?” is another one. The priest said these words go back to “kind of an ancient formula from the days when women were thought of as chattel or the property of their families, especially her father’s family. That is not the present attitude, gratefully.”

“It is her choice and his choice,” he said of the bride and groom and their decision to come together. No one gives anyone away at a Catholic marriage ceremony.

A common practice highlighting the couple’s decision April 2012

to join together as husband and wife is the entrance practice where the groom is escorted down the aisle by his parents. After he joins the groomsmen at the altar, the bride is escorted down the aisle either by her father or both her parents.

Father Gagnon, a priest for 50 years, said in recent years he’s celebrated an increasing number of weddings where the bride and groom walk into church and down the aisle together. Many times they also stand at the entrance to the church and welcome family and friends as they arrive to celebrate their special day.

Then there is the statement: “If anyone knows any reason why these two should not be wed, let him speak now, or forever hold his peace.” While that has been the turning point in many a movie, you won’t hear it at a Catholic wedding. Father Gagnon said publishing the wedding banns in the parish bulletin for the three weeks before the big day can serve the same purpose, although he can’t recall any instance where that has ever caused an issue.

Father Gagnon noted that while personal touches are nice, they need to be worked out in advance

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No matter how much a particular song means to a couple, all elements of the ceremony must fit with the sacredness of the moment.

His own uncle, a parish organist, was fired “way back in time, for playing ‘Turkey in the Straw’” at one wedding, he said.

“Weddings are very powerful times,” Father Gagnon said. To stand before family and friends and say: ‘“I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life,’ is a serious step. It’s a very joyful step, too.”

The priest pointed out that marriage, just like any sacrament, is in large part “communication at its heart.”

“In marriage, the value of the public vows affirms before 200 people that this is the one I am taking to be my wife or my husband and to make a home and marriage together,” he added.

He said for everyone in the congregation it becomes “a catechetical moment, a teaching moment.”

“That’s a very powerful thing,” he added.

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April 2012

Marriage

y l i m a F

You’re not just marrying one person but marrying into a

By LIZ O’CONNOR

Catholic News Service

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As newly married couples get ready to spend their lives together they soon realize they are not just gaining a spouse but a whole new set of family members.

Marriage experts urge couples to get to know the family they are marrying into for clues about their spouse, a sense of future family responsibilities and even to tap into potential support. Father Guillermo Garcia, assistant professor of religious studies at Mount St. Mary’s College in Los Angeles, said it’s important for couples thinking about marriage to see how the prospective partner reacts with his or her family of origin.

“We fall in love, and it’s a little like getting married ‘under the influence,’” he joked. Irritations that come up at the beginning of a relationship may be quickly forgotten, but they become problems later on.

In his own Hispanic community, he said, adult children are expected to continue to take responsibility for their parents and siblings. For a good marriage, it’s important that there be a general understanding ahead of time that parents will take a back seat to the primacy of the marriage relationship, so that couples can work things out “without the orchestra of the family playing in the background.”

It’s also important for couples to know their in-laws so they can understand each other, he said.

“I am convinced that we parent as we were parented,” Father Garcia said, adding that it is helpful to “build a bond of friendship and frankness” with one’s spouse’s parents.

Donna Tonrey, director of the marriage and family therapy program at LaSalle University in Philadelphia, said one of the April 2012

most important elements of beginning a good marriage is for each of the parties to have a good understanding of his or her family of origin.

Understanding the impact that their families had on who they are makes them better able “to foster emotional growth as individuals and as a couple,” and she said a couple can’t do one without the other.

The most common pitfall she sees for newly married couples is when one or both members process whatever’s happening through their own experience of family. The “default” setting tends to be “Well, in my family…” but that way of doing things may not work for the new family formed by the couple.

Today’s couples are less likely to know their in-laws well than couples in years past who married within the communities where they grew up, said Gail Risch who teaches Christian ethics and

theology of Christian marriage at Creighton University in Omaha, Neb. Although in-laws tend to get a bad reputation, Scott Browning, a psychology professor at Chestnut Hill College in Philadelphia, points out that they can be incredibly helpful.

“They’re the people you lean on most when you’re in need,” he said.

The biggest pitfall, he said, comes up when a spouse feels neglected because his or her partner is too connected to a parent or other family member.

To avoid this situation, he advises couples to set up boundaries even around simple things such as telling parents to call before they come over to visit.

On a more positive note, Browning said that grandchildren are an incredible elixir, often smoothing over rough spots that may have existed between in-laws and spouses.

Bayou Catholic • Houma, LA

Bayou Catholic • Houma, LA

April 2012

Marriage

Pies, cookies, ice cream

By CAROL ZIMMERMANN Catholic News Service

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The tried and true white-tiered wedding cake -- a longtime tradition at most wedding receptions -- might be slowly getting the pink slip.

The beloved cake is getting pushed aside at some receptions in favor of nontraditional desserts such as cupcake tiers or dessert buffets featuring pies, cookies, macaroons, whoopie pies or cake pops. Some receptions even offer their guests ice cream sundae stations or a cookies and milk bar.

But change usually comes slowly and most brides still pick cakes as their first choice for a wedding dessert.

A “Real Weddings Survey” conducted by the wedding websites theknot.com and weddingchannel.com in 2011 reveals that 68 percent of new brides and grooms still want the traditional tiered wedding cake but respondents also indicated that other desserts are quietly joining the party. Twenty percent prefer a groom’s cake -- a Southern tradition that is often chocolate -- while 14 percent chose candy and 13 percent preferred cupcakes.

Wedding cakes, with their long history, are not about to see their reign end anytime soon. Some claim they got their start in ancient Rome when people stacked oat cakes and broke them over the bride’s head. The wedding cakes of today, although somewhat little less extravagant, started showing up at weddings in the early 1900s.

This dessert of choice has a whole lot of tradition connected to it beyond just providing something sweet to give the guests after a meal and to interrupt hours of reception dancing.

The tradition of the bride and groom cutting the cake is a classic wedding photo opportunity. Couples also typically feed each other the first slices of cake as a sign of taking care of each other, or for some reason, they smash this cake in each other’s faces.

Many wedding books and well-meaning relatives urge couples to save a piece of their wedding cake in the freezer to enjoy on their first anniversary.

Couples planning on serving a wedding cake need to do some research and tasting beforehand. Most wedding cakes cost about $1,000. Some couples cut this cost by presenting a frosted Styrofoam cake or partial cake and then serving guests from less exotic sheet cakes in the kitchen.

Theoretically, couples also could choose not to serve dessert but no wedding books or online sites suggest that since they are a fun way to mark special occasions.

Having just the right food or beverage at a wedding reception is no trivial matter either. After all, Jesus is credited with performing his first miracle -- turning water into wine -- at the wedding in Cana.

April 2012

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April 2012

Marriage

By MARYLYNN G. HEWITT Catholic News Service

Every year dioceses across the country honor couples who have been married 25 or 50 years or more with special Masses. And inevitably, reporters from diocesan newspapers often ask these couples to share the secrets of what makes a marriage work.

At the Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception in Washington, more than 800 couples attended a Mass in 2011 commemorating 25 to 75 years of marriage.

One couple, Pat and Bob Deffinbaugh from southern Maryland, told a reporter they didn’t have any magic secrets to their 50-year commitment.

Instead, they simply believed God had been with them in good times and in bad.

The Deffinbaughs, similar to other couples, might not boast of anything special they have done over the years but no doubt they’d have words of wisdom for the newly and not-so-newly married.

Couples married for decades share longevity

Secrets

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The Chicago Archdiocese is convinced this kind of practical advice is worth sharing. For the past eight years, Kim Hagerty, assistant director in the Family Ministries Office, has sought information from couples married for five decades that she has compiled into a booklet called: “True Soul Mates: Couples Married 50 Years Give Their Advice for Successful Marriage.”

Advice from the 2011 booklet includes: n “Marry someone you think is perfect -- not someone you will change after you are married.” n “Take good care of each other.” n “Understand the commitment and when children come, have a unified front in guiding them.” n “Be each other’s best friend.

Marriage is not always a 50/50 proposition. Sometimes you need to give 90 percent because there are times when you only give 10 percent. That’s when your spouse, best friend, takes up the slack.” n “Learn how to enjoy each other’s company. Do as many things as you can together.”

One spouse offered the understated secret: “I agree with my wife.”

Jack and Patti Salter, parishioners of the National Shrine of the Little Flower in Royal Oak, Mich., credit the longevity of their marriage to little things they do each day along with communicating, being honest and sharing their faith.

Every night since they were married, almost 50 years ago, Jack kisses his wife, Patti, and says: “Good night, beautiful.” She kisses him back in their end-of-anotherday ritual.

No matter what kind of day they have had, a good-night kiss is always a good way to seal the day.

That’s just one piece of advice they offer to engaged couples.

“Communication is another key,” said Jack, 80. “We talk things over. If we have a problem, we talk about it. She’s usually right, and that’s the truth.”

Sharing a value system and their Catholic faith has helped through raising four children, all adopted through Catholic Social Services, and welcoming nine grandchildren.

“And don’t ever lie,” Jack added.

“If Patti asks if I like a dress, and I don’t, I don’t say that I do. But I try to be nice and say, ‘You might not want to wear that again.’”

Patti, who is 78, said “respect for each other and integrity” is necessary. Prayer is also important. She tries to make it to daily morning Mass before going to her part-time job, has her favorite daily prayers and knows whenever her husband wakes up in the middle of the night, he prays a decade of the rosary. “Throughout the night it ends up being a whole rosary,” he said and laughs.

The couple, who were married in 1962, said it’s important to establish traditions even if they wouldn’t mean anything to anyone else.

For example, Jack brought Patti a poinsettia on their first date, just before Christmas 1961.

Every year since, as Christmas nears, when he presents her with a poinsettia, they’re reminded of when their love was new.

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April 2012

Marriage

YES!

Natural Family Planning really works

By BRIAN T. OLSZEWSKI Catholic News Service

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OK, let’s get the obvious play on words out of the way: There are misconceptions about natural family planning.

“Natural family planning” is a church-approved form of family planning that does not use artificial means such as the pill, condoms or foams. Instead it uses an awareness of the fertile and infertile periods in a woman’s cycle to allow a couple to plan conception.

While natural family planning might sound outdated in a world that prefixes a growing number of words with “instant,” it is “pure science, not Russian roulette,” according to Rachelle Sauvageau, respect life director for the Diocese of Fargo, N.D., and coordinator of its natural family planning and chastity education programs.

Bishop Samuel Aquila of Fargo instituted a marriage-preparation policy in 2005 that requires couples wishing to be married in the church to receive catechesis on the theology of the body, including instruction in natural family planning.

In “Humanae Vitae,” the 1968 encyclical in which he reaffirmed the church’s opposition to the use of contraception, Pope Paul VI, wrote, “It is to be anticipated that perhaps not everyone will easily accept this particular teaching.” Those words were an understatement, but, for the most part, according to Sauvageau, couples in the eastern North

Dakota diocese, where more than 400 Catholic marriages are celebrated annually, are willing to take the classes.

“There are a few who don’t understand it,” she said, “but by the time they’re done they

say it was a good thing to learn.

We give them a knowledge of it and let them know what a gift natural family planning is to their marriage.”

That knowledge comes from 18 instructors who teach couples

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the Billings method in which women learn to recognize their own patterns of fertility and infertility and the symptothermal method by which a couple charts indicators of fertility and infertility based upon the woman’s daily temperature.

The effectiveness of natural family planning, when used correctly, is in the 97 percent and 98 percent range for the Billings and sympto-thermal methods respectively.

According to information gathered by the Georgetown University Institute for Reproductive Health, couples who use natural family planning cite several advantages: n Increased self-awareness and knowledge of their fertility. n Enhanced communication and intimacy. n Increased reliance upon their own resources rather than a family-planning program or contraception. n Increased independence from costly or distant medical services. n Freedom from artificial substances and the side effects and/or potential medical risks of artificial methods.

) ) “We need the

medical community to acknowledge natural family planning and to promote it.”

n Reduced resupply costs associated with commodity-based methods. n The ability to adhere to religious and cultural norms.

For Sauvageau and Dr. Richard J. Fehring, professor in the College of Nursing at Jesuit-run Marquette University and director of the college’s Institute for Natural Family Planning, a key to promoting a better understanding of natural family planning and getting more couples to use it is convincing the medical community of the method’s value.

“We need the medical profession talking about it,” Sauvageau said.

“We need the medical community

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to acknowledge natural family planning and to promote it.”

Fehring knows the importance of having the medical community promote natural family planning since his institute not only trains health care professionals to become natural family planning teachers but provides for-credit courses in natural family planning theory and practice.

Health care professionals are “gatekeepers” of information, he said. So it is imperative that studies on the value and effectiveness of natural family planning are done to convince the health care community.

One of his goals, Fehring said, is to simplify natural family planning for medical professionals.

“I want to make a simple method that doctors can teach in the course of a 15-minute office visit,” he said.

For Sauvageau, as much as being a moral means of planning a family, natural family planning also offers couples an opportunity to “embrace the virtue of chastity.”

She said, “You are able to look at your spouse as a gift rather than as an object of sexual gratification.”

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81

Marriage

Gifts that

By SARA ANGLE

Catholic News Service

If you have ever attended a wedding, chances are you have a candle, monogrammed tin of mints, lacewrapped Hershey’s Kisses or a heart-shaped bottle opener to prove it.

Wedding favors can be a great way to thank guests for attending and they also say a lot about the couple.

When a favor is out of the ordinary, it leaves a lasting impression on guests.

“It’s not mandatory, but it’s a good way to thank people. It’s a way for you to express yourself as a couple,” said Jackie Lebowitz, assistant managing editor at Brides magazine.

Choosing an original wedding favor can also be an opportunity to give back and share a message about social justice. Fair trade, “green,” recycled or repurposed gifts ensure that your guests are getting something that will not only have an impact on them, but on the world.

“I think a lot of brides are looking to reduce their footprints in their wedding; favors are for sure something you can easily have be green,” said

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The tradition of gifting a small token of appreciation to wedding guests started in the 16th century with the European aristocratic practice of giving “bonbonniere,” or small boxes made of porcelain, crystal, precious stones or metal that contained sugary treats. The custom spread and certain items became popular based on culture and geography, just as others had a widespread reach in certain eras.

The introduction of green and fair-trade initiatives into wedding planning picked up speed in 2008, and is now bigger than ever, with many celebrities adding a green touch to their big day. According to the I Do Foundation, which links engaged couples with charitable gift registries, more than 10 percent of couples incorporate philanthropy into their weddings.

“Greening” your wedding favors can be easily incorporated into Catholic weddings.

Eco-friendly and fair-trade items also build a common ground between Catholic wedding attendees and guests from other denominations because many religions share a passion for social justice initiatives.

“We must expand our understanding of the moral responsibility of citizens to serve the common good,” the U.S. Catholic bishops said in their 1986 pastoral letter “Economic Justice for All.” Five years later, in their document “Renewing the Earth,” the bishops said the “the fundamental relation between humanity and nature is one of caring for creation.”

By supporting an environmental or economic justice initiative in even the smallest way during the course of the wedding planning process, it is a way to reflect on and express Catholic values.

“A couple can really show what they believe in and practice what they preach,” said Lebowitz.

Giving eco-friendly or fair-trade wedding favors can be as easy or elaborate as the couple desires.

One simple and inexpensive option is to use small tree cookies as stands to hold place cards made from recycled cardstock. For a personalized touch,

add a handwritten note to each guest underneath their name on the place card. Seeds or plants also make great gifts and traditional chocolate gifts can be updated with small bamboo boxes of fair trade chocolate.

“The Knot,” an online wedding planning site, recommends that couples give soy-wax or beeswax candles which are more eco-friendly than paraffin wax candles.

Eco-friendly wedding plans don’t have to stop at favors either.

Couples can serve local food, swap the limousine for a hybrid car, host their reception in a green hotel and ask guests to make donations to a charity instead of bringing a gift.

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83

Marriage

Social Media

The ‘something new’ in today’s weddings

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By CAROL ZIMMERMANN Catholic News Service

Modern brides and grooms might have a hard time balancing the adage that they need “something old, something new” at their weddings since the new is at every corner.

What’s new -- and getting newer by the minute -- is technology’s role in today’s weddings from the first day a couple announces their engagement on Facebook to blog posts about their honeymoon and everything in between such as online sites for wedding vendors and apps for wedding hairstyles, dresses and budget calculators. Social media sites also allow members of the wedding party to “meet” prior to the big day while Twitter or live video streaming allows guests who couldn’t make the ceremony to follow along.

For Catholic couples, the Internet is also a source for online marriage preparation programs and the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops’ website foryourmarriage.org provides advice not only for the wedding day but for married life.

Wedding sites such as theknot.com offer engaged couples advice about how to navigate the myriad of new technological tools on the Emily Post Institute spells out some wedding etiquette technology rules on its website, www.emilypost.com.

This is all relatively new territory and certainly was never anticipated in 1922 when Emily Post wrote: “Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics, and at Home.”

Today the etiquette go-to site acknowledges that many engaged couples use wedding websites, often called “wed-sites” to post photos, information on travel and lodging for the wedding, updates, electronic RSVP options and links to store gift registries.

It doesn’t frown on these sites; it just advises couples to use them with discretion and not post too much information on them.

As far as emails go, the site emphatically

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emphasizes that invitations and thank you notes can never, ever, be sent electronically. It stipulates that emails can be used for “save the date” notices, wedding invitation replies, announcements to uninvited friends and family, invitations to prewedding get-togethers and lodging information.

In emails, just as with wedding websites, the Emily Post folks once again stress the need for discretion.

The site says couples may send wedding updates through emails but urges them not to “flood the inboxes” of their guest list with regular updates and not to share “overly personal details.”

To manage social media at weddings before it becomes akin to an unruly wedding crasher, wedding websites offer the following tips: n Wedding guests and certainly the bride and groom need to stay offline during the ceremony. n To limit the number of updates right after the ceremony or during the reception, appoint an official “tweeter” or one or more “Tweet of Honor” so everyone isn’t preoccupied with sending wedding updates. n Do away with disposable cameras and set up a shared online photo account such as Flickr so guests can upload photos they take. n Don’t post a photo of the bride until she posts one -- which falls under the category of this is the couple’s day, not the guests.

Technology’s place in the modern wedding is clearly not leaving. According to a “What’s on Brides’ Minds”

by David’s Bridal, a wedding gown retailer, nearly half of today’s brides update their Facebook account with new name or relationship status within a day of taking their vows.

And 44 percent of brides are interested in doing whatever it takes to get their fifteen minutes of YouTube fame, such as a choreographed dance down the aisle or first dance.

At Catholic weddings, bridal parties walking or even dancing down the aisle to popular music, just isn’t going to happen.

Father Joseph Gagnon, a senior priest in the Archdiocese of Detroit, who has officiated hundreds of weddings, stressed that marriage, just like any sacrament, is in large part “communication it its heart.”

That communication -- without any flashy updates-might be just what couples need for the “something old” balance.

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Marriage

Geaux ahead Join parish together 86

By CATHY KLINGMAN, L.C.S.W. Newly married couples face their new life together as husband and wife. As they learn more about each other, there will be many joys, challenges and struggles they must negotiate. Their church parish can be there to journey with them and support them.

So how do couples decide which church parish to join?

It is important to understand you are not automatically registered in a church parish just because your wedding was held there, or because you “grew up” there. Couples need to discuss their needs, attend different Mass times together, and visit the Catholic church parishes near their home. They can then make a decision together about which church parish to join.

So how do couples “join” a church parish?

Registration is not a difficult process. It begins with a call to the parish office and maybe a visit with the parish priest. After the registration paperwork is complete, married couples can learn more about the different ministries and programs available to them.

Not only will couples receive support from their parish, but the parish also receives and benefits from their participation.

The church parish is a couple’s spiritual home, the place where sacraments are celebrated, tears are shared and support is given. In church, couples are surrounded by others who believe and worship with them in this wonderful journey of life together as husband and wife.

(Cathy Klingman is the diocesan director of the Office of Family Ministries.)

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