The Jerry Duncan Show: Questions About the Classified Documents

By Dean Kaner

ANNOUNCER ROD SERLING: I’m back from the dead. Two presidents have been caught with classified documents in their residences. Donald Trump swallowed some of those documents and flushed others down the toilet. Joe Biden kept them in his garage. Perhaps his car. In the backseat, where kids were conceived. We will soon find out that honesty doesn’t always exist at Mar-a-Lago or the White House. Rather a middle ground between light and shadow. Between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man’s fears and summit of his knowledge. This is an area we call, The Jerry Duncan Show

JERRY DUNCAN: Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are former twice impeached, disgraced President Donald Trump. And President Joe Biden, who announced today that water is now only legal in three states. Solid, liquid, and gas.

JERRY: Good morning, Trumpster. Can I get you something to eat?

DONALD TRUMP: How about some more classified documents. They go down easy with diet coke

JERRY: How about you President Biden? How did classified documents end up in two of your residences?

JOE BIDEN: It was Vice President Biden’s fault. Not mine.

TRUMP: I’m the real president. Dead people voted for you, Joe. I had 200 million votes.

JERRY: But there are only 133 million registered voters.

TRUMP: Fake news. You forgot to add Russians. It’s all on Fox News.

JERRY: I don’t watch Fox for the same reason I don’t eat out of a toilet.

TRUMP: A toilet is a beautiful thing. Some people like to go there to sit and think. I go there to shit and stink.

JERRY: Hey Trumpster. Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?

TRUMP: No clue.

JERRY: It got stuck in the crack.

TRUMP: In my case that’s H-U-G-E!

JERRY: I’m going to ask both of you what is in the classified documents that were turned over to the DOJ. First question to you, Trumpster

TRUMP: I really don’t know. The documents are in a secure location in Putin’s office.

JERRY: Now Putin knows our top secrets.

He’s a war criminal who invaded neighboring Ukraine.

TRUMP: Say what you want about him, Duncan. But not many people can run two countries at once.

JERRY: What’s in your classified documents, Joe?

BIDEN: Well. I’ll reveal one thing…Obama’s basketball. Here’s the skinny. Inside the ball is a secret formula on how to shoot 3 pointers from center court. It’s the only ball Cinderella ran away from. I’m serious.

JERRY: From what I’ve been told by the FBI, you Trumpster have 300 documents about our nuclear weapons and allies. And Joe, you have 20 documents about Iran and our enemies. We could be doomed.

TRUMP: I’m not worried. Only Putin has seen my documents.

BIDEN: Just guys at the car wash have seen mine. And they can’t read English.

JERRY: There’s only one way to get the truth. I’m calling Attorney General Merrick Garland. Jerry dials his phone.

MERRICK GARLAND: Roadkill Cafe. You kill it. We grill it. How can I help you?

JERRY: It’s Jerry Duncan from The Jerry Duncan Show. I need to know what’s in those classified documents that Trump and Biden compromised.

GARLAND: It’ a secret, Mr. Duncan. I don’t know myself.

JERRY: You old fart. You’re forgetful.

GARLAND: That might be. Someone else told me I was forgetful, but I can’t remember who it was.

GARLAND: I appointed two Special Counsels to examine the evidence in both cases. I will have my findings shortly. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to take a nap. Never give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping.

JERRY: Here’s something to remember before you doze off. A drug addict, a man taking a nap, and Donald Trump.

GARLAND: And the question?

JERRY: What is a user, snoozer, and a sore loser?

GARLAND: Mr Duncan. I can assure the American people that I’ve expanded my judicial skills. I can now forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.

JERRY: Great. See you tomorrow

Con Game

In an op-ed forthe Boston Globe, Elizabeth Warren wrote that “Republicans don't really care about the national debt.” Instead, House Speaker Kevin McCarthy is “running a con game” alongside “extremist Republicans.”

Before eyeing cuts to programs like Social Security and Medicare to bring down the national debt, Warren said that lawmakers should first roll back 2017 Trump tax cuts for the wealthy “Let's close that door before the next $1trillionslipsaway,” Warren wrote.

Republicans have been lowering taxes on America's highest-earners and corporations for decades, Warren writes, and that has “relentlessly driven upthenationaldebt.”

Their proposal to revoke $80 billion in funding for the IRS would actually worsen the country's debt load, adding over $100 billion to the deficit over the next decade.

– Excerpted from a piece on business insider.com, Jan 23, 2023.