Promises Kevin McCarthy Had to Make to Get Votes

By Ted Holland, Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

The rest of the blue-ribbon team, hand-picked by Musk, will address the current controversies that have plagued the social me-

Former Arizona gubernatorial candidate Kari Lake will take on the LGBTQ portfolio. “I’m so excited about this opportunity,” she said. “All my gay friends and acquaintances have been so wonderfully supportive of my efforts to oppose protecting gays and transgender people under Arizona state discrimination law.” Elon Musk will continue to own Twitter. He will also continue to use Twitter as a bully pulpit in support of his preferred social causes: having the Atlanta Braves baseball team change their name to the Atlanta Teslas, and developing a crowdfunding campaign to support George Santos’ fifth PhD (International Law).

Revealed: House Offered Speakership to Q-Shaman and Elmer Fudd

By James Israel

It has now been revealed that after Kevin McCarthy failed so spectacularly to win enough votes to be Speaker of the House after 14 rounds of ballots, Republicans offered the Speakership to what they considered respectable alternatives: January 6th insurrectionist Q-Shaman and the gun-toting Elmer Fudd. (The Speaker does not need to be a House member.)

“Mr Fudd will restore order,” said Rep Steve Scalise at the time, previously a big McCarthy backer. “With that big shotgun of his, when Fudd speaks, rabbits and people listen!”

“Shhh. Be vewy vewy quiet, I’m hunting wabbits,” said Fudd when first asked if he would accept the position. Finally, unable to get the rabbit, he relented. “Wabbits be damned, let’s go hunt some wascawwy Republicans,” he said. “They need to be whipped into shape, the

New Rule: Congressmen May to Duel to the Death

By Eric Green

Some Congressmen in the U.S. House of Representatives are finally getting what they’ve always wanted and deserved: gunfights. They may now duel to the death.

A secret new rule adopted as Rep. Kevin McCarthy was being elected Speaker of the House January 8th will allow political enemies to fight each other until one kills the other. The agreement alllows differences to be settled by members challenging each other to a duel on the House floor, using pistols at 20 paces.

According to SNN Congressional correspondent Bethany Bathbong, newly elected House Speaker Kevin McCarthy is the living epitome of the old Three Stooges quip, “If at first you don’t succeed, keep on suckin’ till you do succeed.”

There has been much speculation about the promises Kevin McCarthy had to make to get his new position, but it turns out some went well beyond the realm of politics.

According to Ms. Bathbong, some of the promised favors issued by Speaker McCarthy include:

Be Donald Trump’s golf caddy Goose Joe Biden.

Make Majorie Taylor Greene’s bullets.

Take Laura Ingraham and Harris Faulkner to Disney World.

Open an Idiots R US store in the Capitol Building.

Mow Scott Perry’s lawn and wash his car

Drive Matt Gaetz’s kids to karate lessons.

Braid Lauren Boebert’s hair and paint her toenails.

Make January 6 a national holiday: National Riot Day State that any House Member could hit him in the face with a Boston Cream Pie whenever they felt like it.

Co-host The View in drag.

SNN Words to Live By

“A man who’s never afraid is a fool.” — Marshall Matt Dillon (James Arness), Gunsmoke TV show

McCarthy agreed to the measure in a concession to the right-wingers to finally get himself elected House Speaker on the 15th ballot.

“I can’t wait to beat some stupid Communist Democrat to a pulp,” said one far-right House Republicans, who asked to remain anonymous.

“I’ve got my pistol locked and loaded.”

Aspokesman for the National Rifle Association said with the new rule in place, all Congressmen should welcome the fact that if simple brawling doesn’t go far enough, they are now free to use guns.

Another Congressman added, “Enough with all this namby-pamby B.S. talking and negotiating long into the night to get what we want.

The best way to end it is to just shoot the jerk once and for all. That’s the way they used to do it, so we hail this new rule all real Americans have been asking for.”

Besides using guns, political rivals may also bring back using canes in Congress to knock their enemies senseless. That’s what occurred in 1856 when pro-slavery South Carolina Rep. Preston Brooks walked over to abolitionist anti-democwacy bums!”

After Fudd failed to gain the necessary votes, they offered the post to the Q-Shaman from January 6th. “The great Q-Shaman has as much experience as McCarthy, or more,” said Lauren Boebert, “since he’s already occupied the dais. He looked like he belonged, so what the heck.”

Other House members say he’d add “character” and “style” to the chamber

“Q-Shaman is wise, as all shamans are,” said Rep. Paul Gosar, widely regarded by other Republicans as a font of wisdom himself. “He can unite our party and help us win, much like our dear leader and still president, Donald Trump.”

Prior to entertaining these compromise candidates, the anti-McCarthy faction of Republicans tried to gain control. Rep. Lauren Boebert of Colorado, known affectionately in the House as “Klannie Oakley” for her love of guns and racism, got together with Marjorie Taylor Greene (known as “Mad Marge the Klan Mom”).

The two of them couldn’t decide who outranked the other, so they held a mud wrestling match to determine who was boss. MTG won, due to her sheer strength and daily workout regimen.

Ripping the Headlines Today

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to By Paul Lander. All you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Jane Fonda said her knees actually got weak after meeting her ‘80 for Brady’ costar Tom Brady

Makes sense … Brady was probably her favorite player when she was a kid.

DeSantis wants to ban AP

African American Studies

Yeah, but, then how will kids learn about George Santos marching with Dr King?!

Could magic mushrooms be the final cure for eating disorders?

… Not if you deep fry them.

Biden attacks ‘fiscally demented’ House GOP days before debt ceiling hits What we need to do is build an actual debt ceiling and have Mexico pay for it.

High-powered lasers can be used to steer lightning strikes

Thor: Hold my hammer

Trump refers to Mar-a-Lago as the Southern White House

Trump keeps calling Mar-a-Lago the Southern White House … more like the Southern Big House….

Couple makes meth at library: Cops Now, we’re talking — literally cooking the books.

Atlanta’s Mercedes-Benz Stadium earns zero waste certification

They obviously didn’t watch the Falcons. Kim Jong-un is reportedly having a midlife crisis … Maybe he should change his name to Kim Not-So-Jung-Un.

Gina Lollobrigida: Italian screen star dies at 95 I guess Sophia Loren wins!

Hugh Jackman says he didn’t use steroids to get ripped for his role as Wolverine in the ‘X-Men’ movies: ‘I just did it the old-school way’ Uh, Photoshop and body doubles …?

Once-in-a-generation storms to Southland, says NOAA report If so, NOAA will be changing its name to NOAH.

Too much praise can turn kids into narcissists: study finds Enough about the kids. How exactly does this affect me?

Prince Harry shares why he and Meghan Markle have kept their royal titles … Like annoying Piers Morgan isn’t reason enough! …

Read more columns by Paul Lander at humortimes.com.

Massachusetts Senator Charles Sumner and whacked him in the head with a cane and then proceeded to beat the anti-slavery Northerner unconscious. Brooks sauntered off the floor of Congress with nary a House colleague stopping him.

“That was the way real men resolved their differences,” Matt Gaetz told reporters. “For too long, all we did in this stupid place was talk and talk and talk some more and never get anywhere. Now, Praise the Lord, we can finally do what God wants us to do and that’s blow our enemies away. It’s about freaking time.”

Surgeon General’s Warning: Humor Times Habit-Forming

The Surgeon General warned citizens about the national humor magazine the Humor Times today, saying it was “habit forming” and could lead to serious bouts of belly-laughter, upsetting the habitually pessimistic.

“We’ve all heard the line, ‘laughter is the best medicine,’” the official said, “but is it, really? Perhaps too much of a good thing is just that – too much. Be careful out there, America.”

(Ed. note: A subscription form can be found on page 3 – use at your own risk!) but got some unwanted surprises they didn’t anticipate. having stashed them away long ago. that could leave him out in the cold

Dems tried to keep their cool...

Joe Biden had forgotten all about it.

The small flurry turned into a white out..

He’s looking forward to being forgotten again.