‘We Report, You Decry!’

U.S. Retaliates: 99 Balloons to Fly Over China

By David Wollman

President Joe Biden announced today the launch of a 99 balloon flotilla over China. The action is in response to the recent incursions over U.S. skies by China’s spy balloons.

“It’s important that we send a message to the Chinese regime that the U.S. will prevail in the balloon race,” said Biden, “and I like the song.”

The balloon flotilla was developed and launched at a secret site near Disney World, Florida. “We wanted to avoid using the Cape Canaveral launch site in order to gain the element of surprise,” said Gen. Mark A. Milley

Chinese authorities will likely be highly surprised to see giant images of Mickey Mouse, Goofy, and Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis floating from 20,000 feet to 60,000 feet over their skies.

“We also want to send (China’s) President Xi Jinping a personal message from the American people about what we think of him, and so this led to a partnership with Disney,” said Milley

Roger Iger, CEO of Disney, explained the inclusion of Ron DeSantis’image. “His antics and rhetoric regarding the LGBTQ community, Women’s health care, Black Studies, and the Don’t Say Gay education bill are cartoonish at the highest level. And so fittingly, his balloons will be floating at the highest level, 60,000 feet.” Iger said the message to China and others is, “Don’t mess with the Mouse!”

Included in the balloon flotilla are six giant, inflatable sex dolls bearing the image of Xi Jinping. The images will clearly be a huge embarrassment to China’s president. There will likely be an immediate urge to shoot them down. General Milley explained that the tactical reason for the dolls’ inclusion was to put Chinese authorities in a double bind. “Under

Bezos’ Acquisition Plans Include Entire World

By Eric Green

It’s a jungle out there for all of us. But for Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, there will be no satisfaction until he owns even more of that jungle than he does now. Much more.

Already owning the Washington “Amazon” Post, Bezos has put in bids for the acquisition of many more media interests. If he’s in the mood, he says, he might buy the major TV and cable networks and radio and satellite stations as well.

As if that wasn’t enough, he’s working to claim syndication rights to popular TV shows such as Seinfeld, Two and a Half Men, M*A*S*H and Friends Worth $172 billion or so, depending on which day it is, Bezos apparently doesn’t care all that much about money. It is power and influence that motivate him, his business colleagues and ex-wife told reporters.

House Freedom Caucus: The Lost Interview

By David Wollman

Our brave reporter infiltrates the favored retreat for the notorious House Freedom Caucus. We present here the previously lost interview

After the bitterness that marked the recent election of Kevin McCarthy to House Speaker, I am anticipating a tense, defensive response to my presence as a journalist. I am wary as I step inside Nixon Mansion and cross the Pietra Firma black marble towards The Great Room

The oak doors suddenly swing open, and I am taken aback. This is obviously party time for The Party. Three dozen congressmen are in high spirits. Jim Jordan (R-OH), leaning against Henry Moore’s Reagan, calls out over the music (Rap? Here? Really?), “Hey Andy! Get Kevin to make him a drink.”

“He won’t be happy until he owns the whole world,” said the ex-Mrs. Bezos, who sounded a trifle bitter, even if she’s worth a pretty penny herself at $27 billion, due to owning a 4 percent stock in Amazon.

But it won’t be all that easy for Bezos to satisfy his hunger to possess everything. The U.S. Congress is said to be concerned that his plans for the acquisition of the planet might violate anti-trust and anti-monopoly laws and would endanger fair competition. A Congressional subcommittee supposedly is preparing subpoenas for Amazon executives to force them to testify about Bezos predatory business practices.

Still, Bezos is looking ahead — he’s planning on owning the universe someday. If nothing else, will give Bezos great joy by beating out his bitter business rival, Elon Musk, who reportedly said he wants to be the first person on

Chinese law, the willful destruction of an image of President Jinping is an act of treason, punishable by execution. So, they’re damned if they do shoot them down, and damned if they don’t. Totalitarian regimes are vulnerable by their inherent lack of satire.”

The next chapter in the China-U.S. balloon race is up in the air for now, and unlikely to deflate tensions between the two countries any time soon.

Mars. But if it works out, Bezos could charge him rent.

“It gets my blood pump ing just knowing I’m going to beat that crazy freak Musk,” said Bezos

Asked what else he wants to possess to completely satisfy his life’s ambitions, if that was even humanly possible, Bezos paused for a moment. Finally, he said, “I should have done it long ago. But why not buy the Amazon jungle in South America? Just think, I won’t even have to change its name.”

Ripping the Headlines Today

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to By Paul Lander. All you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

You can now buy weed from a vending machine … and, also in one stop shopping, Doritos, Pringles, and Oreos

Fox scores: Super Bowl third most-watch TV program ever

And, also a big day for George Santos, what with another Super Bowl MVP, and Rihanna’s expecting his baby!

Iran calling on Afghanistan to end restrictions on women

That’s like Jeffrey Dahmer calling the FDA on the Donner party!

Michael Jordan turns 60 … which is also the number he probably could still drop on the Magic.

According to rap star Kool Ice Thugge, “Carjacking is a major enterprise, an art form and science. It is a display of skill and ability much like chess or football.”

Now Mr Thugge will serve as commissioner of the world’s newest pro sports league: the National Carjacking League (NCL), set to debut on the Gangsta TV Network on March 5, 2023.

The object of the game is to spot, jack and chop cars in a 90 minute time limit. Teams get points for the most cars, the most expensive car and the fastest jackings

The league will be divided into two divisions: the NYC Drill Rap Division and the Gangsta Rap Division. Below are the initial teams for the league launch.

NYC Drill Rap Division:

The Harlem Hustlas

The Green Point Gassers

The Queens Road Ragers

The Long Island Ice T’s

The Westchester Hot Rod Girllz Gangsta Rap Division:

The Boston Banditos

The Los Angeles Los Gatos

The Jersey Jackers

The Las Vegas Vroom Vroomz

The Pittsburgh Car Pirates

Each team will be comprised of 5 members: a Jacker, a Gunner, a Driver, a Thug and a Chopper

Should a game end in a tie, it will lead to a “Sudden Death Jackoff.”

The Divisional leaders will meet in the Championship Super Jackoff Bowl.

The Ohio powerbroker starts an awkward attempt at rap: “After the treaty, McCarthy give us treaties. He gonna whip up, big vanilla lattees.” Hoots and cackles discharge from the Boca Da Lobo sofa in front of me, where Florida congressmen Matt Gaetz and Byron Donalds sit, clearly enjoying the moment.

I gather myself. “McCarthy’s here?” I enquire of Andy Biggs (R-AZ). “Part of his unofficial new duties,” he replies matter-of-factly “Say, you want a spiked vanilla latte? Kevin!” he shouts. “Ordering. One vanilla latte with a shot. On the double! But careful with those Waterford Crest glasses. Don’t break another one. Remember, we got George Santos waiting in the wings.”

“Let me handle this.” Gaetz’s temper seems about to bust loose. “Kevin! We talked about this before. Don’t mumble. And it’s a clear yes suh, no suh, or yes boss!”

“Or yassah, mistah Cholley,” adds Byron Donalds, the only Black congressman in the room. “I added that one,” he states quite

Five injured after an American Airlines plane crashed into a passenger shuttle bus at LAX Fortunately, their luggage was in another city and totally undamaged.

Biden says three recently downed aerial objects were not linked to Chinese spy program

Has anyone done a wellness check on Snoopy, SpongeBob, and the other Macy’s Thanksgiving Day balloons?

Rita Wilson jokes that Tom Hanks wears the “Woody Cowboy Hat” when out in Nashville … bet that doesn’t freak people out as much as when he goes on a tropical island vacation and brings Wilson!

Carlson and Hannity discussed wanting a Fox News reporter fired after she pushed back on Trump’s election lies

I’m shocked, shocked there was a Fox News reporter who pushed back on the lies.

FBI found Top Secret folder at Pence home And I thought any secret he’d have wouldn’t be about anything top but about being a bottom!

Kyrsten Sinema says George Santos is lying about this SOTU exchange

I’m guessing he said something about almost wearing same dress

LeBron James dealing with unbearable foot pain Well, at least, without Westbrook he doesn’t have to deal with an unbearable pain in the ass.

Kanye’s creditors can’t find him

He’s gone from Ye to Flee!

Milk truck overturns in Michigan, spills 12,000 gallons

So, an udder disaster proudly. “And you know what else? I started calling him ‘Stepin’. Get it? Stepin Fetchit.” Donalds explodes into fits of laughter at his own wit.

DeSantis wants people to not say gay, African American AP studies not to be taught … Sounds like dude’s into Critical Erase Theory!

Read more columns by Paul Lander at humortimes.com.

It is now a contagion. Shrieks of laughter detonate all around me. Thirty-six casualties, and counting. Lauren Boebert is in tears, trying desperately to form words intended for Gaetz “Matt,” she cries. “Show him ... the ... lawn jockey.” “We had it specially made,” explains Gaetz. “Lauren just picked it up today.”

I suddenly realize I am holding a vanilla latte, because I spill it when I look down and meet the sorrowful gaze of a Kevin McCarthy

Lawn Jockey. Tidal waves of giggles well up and sweep me away in a raging torrent of giddiness. I am trapped in a dark, giggly place. I can’t fight it. I can’t catch my breath. I’m losing my journalist’s composure. I’m losing consciousness. I’m losing the interview – I can’t do it.

There’s a scrawled note on a napkin that somehow has found its way into my jacket pocket. I’m losing something else. My sense of human decency. I read the note’s desperate message. Then suddenly, tectonic plates of self-control begin to shift and crack within me. A volcanic eruption of laughter spews forth as I read, “Help me. Oh, God. Please! K.M.” and that the cure feels even worse. which is hard to explain. and a lot of determination to get ahead. But “crisis actors” are setting the stage to blow it all up.

The economy is flying high... but all some can do is complain.

It’s true that many are still feeling the pain...

It’ll take a little luck.