Five Things You WIll Only Do at Hyde: Parent Graduation

5 FIVE THINGS YOU WILL ONLY DO AT HYDE Malcolm Gauld ’72

Parent Graduation: The Biggest Job Parent Program

Five Things You Only Do at Hyde: Parent Graduation—The Biggest Job Parent Program

by Malcolm Gauld ’72, P-’08, P-‘10 Copyright 2017 Hyde Schools

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et’s begin with the end in mind… It’s graduation morning at Hyde. Decked out in business casual, you and your spouse are seated at a round dining table in front of formally printed place cards bearing your names. Joining you at your table and surrounding you at others throughout the room are other parents of graduating seniors. The most senior faculty are also there, likely dressed a bit more formally than you. There are flowers on the tables. There are white-coated student waiters scurrying around the room with trays of ice water, juice, and various brunch courses. You’re sipping coffee, dining on fresh strawberries and quiche, chatting up the other parents. You may be thinking, with all that’s

going on this graduation weekend, it sure is nice that the school finds the time to provide a brunch for all of us parents.

Then you hear the chiming sound of spoons tapping on glass.

You turn your eyes to the podium where a man and woman are standing, one of them the head of school. They offer a brief congratulatory speech about the meaning of graduation at Hyde and the unique role of family in our educational process. Then, seemingly out of the blue, your child’s name is called. The couple at the podium ask you and your spouse to stand. All eyes in the room are on you.

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Then, seemingly out of the blue, your child’s name is called. The couple at the podium ask you and your spouse to stand. All eyes in the room are on you.

Then, the woman at the podium begins with “To Mom.” After a brief pause, she continues, I am so proud of the steps of courage you took in our FLCs here at Hyde. I know you didn’t like how our family was before I came here, but you played a big part in making a positive change, and I am happy to see where we are. I remember two years ago when you first told me about Hyde. I thought it would be stupid and I would hate it. However, from my courage to stay during Summer Challenge I now realize the push you made for me to come was life changing. Looking back at those two months, I learned how much you really cared even if my absence was a hard decision. I learned that you sending me to Summer Challenge was the first part of our family’s growth.

Chances are, you’ve already grabbed some tissues (provided at each table) and have been dabbing your eyes. Then, the male at the podium says, “To Dad.” He continues, I am glad that you decided to take the family process seriously in our two years at Hyde. I remember in our first Family Weekend you took the seminars as a joke and didn’t want to do them. Fast forward to the present - the growth you have made from the seminars is visible. I know 2 Five Things You Will Only Do at Hyde

we didn’t get along well for several years, but I believe that will change now after the Hyde process… The biggest thing I have learned from you in my life is to be truthful, and crazy enough, that is a Hyde principle. Thank you for all you have done to help me the last two years.

At the conclusion of the above two statements – [Note: Both are actual, unedited statements read to a mother and father during a recent Hyde graduation weekend.] – you and your spouse are each handed this diploma:

By this point, you and your spouse are feeling pretty good. An hour or so later, these warm feelings will take on a collective quality of shared admiration and respect as similar statements are read aloud about all of the other parents present. In some cases, a single parent is present. Here’s a recent statement from a young man to his single mother: You are the biggest inspiration in my life. My mission in life is to make you happy and that in return makes me happy.

I will never forget when you made the decision for me to go to Hyde. Me being your only child, you did not want me Parent Graduation: The Biggest Job Parent Program 3

to leave your side but you knew that Hyde was the right decision for me, and I thank you for that. This decision is reflective of the quality I most admire about you which is courage… From your early teens, you were faced with struggles in which the only choice you had was to be courageous. I hope that one day in life, as I turn into a man, I can embody the same courage you have had your entire life. Thank you for every sacrifice you make for me and your unconditional love.

At risk of understatement, many parents in the room are emotionally overcome with feelings of gratitude, purpose, and love once they come to realize just how much their participation in the Biggest Job parent program has meant to their children.

And here’s one from a daughter to the mother who adopted her as a baby: Thank you for adopting me 19 years ago. You have supported me through thick and thin throughout my childhood and now. You have done so much for me during this Hyde process, helping me become a leader in the family… I’m going to miss you so much during college. I hope that the cats and dog will keep you company while I am gone. I love you, It is also not uncommon to have two sets of parents present.

Regardless of who stands that morning, everyone else in the room 4 Five Things You Will Only Do at Hyde

knows first-hand that he or she has earnestly strived for personal and family growth.

At risk of understatement, many parents in the room are emotionally overcome with feelings of gratitude, purpose, and love once they come to realize just how much their participation in the Biggest Job parent program has meant to their children.

While the teen years can be the hardest for any parent, the Hyde Parent Breakfast invariably proves to be a high water mark for all Hyde parents. Then, after a round of congratulations and hugs, the parents all head over to the school theatre where yet another emotional high awaits: The graduation speeches of their children.

The parents who stand to hear statements like those above are on their feet for maybe a minute. However, they and their children have put years into preparing for the occasion. Let us turn to those preparations.

History When he founded Hyde in 1966, Joe Gauld knew that he wanted to focus on character and had already internalized a number of character-building ideas and techniques during his fifteen years as a

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teacher, coach, and administrator. However, rather than align his efforts with a specific program or curriculum, he chose to steadfastly focus on the five words that to this day adorn the school shield: COURAGE LEADERSHIP

INTEGRITY

CURIOSITY

CONCERN

In the early days, every attempt was made to keep these words at the forefront of the community’s consciousness. Even the humor of the school was peppered with them. As a result, everyone came to value these five qualities and character-based education got off to a strong start at Hyde School. Around this time, two mid-70s realizations led directly to the development of family education at Hyde.

First, Joe Gauld took an inventory of Hyde’s beginning years.

The results were encouraging, with evidence demonstrating that Hyde had made a positive contribution to the lives of its students.

However, one conclusion came as a bit of a surprise: there seemed to be a clear correlation between the involvement of parents and the success of students. Those parents who had sought to apply Hyde’s five words to themselves tended to have children who acted likewise.

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Second, in the midst of the discovery of this parent-student correlation, a questionnaire was distributed to the student body.

One of the questions asked, “If you had a very serious life problem (e.g., teenage pregnancy), who would you go to for advice?” The question was followed by multiple choices: (a) friend; (b) Hyde teacher; (c) parent; or (d) minister. The collective response to this question was telling: more students selected (b) Hyde teacher than (c) parent. Initially, the faculty was flattered by this indication of trust. After all, the response did demonstrate that the faculty was having a positive effect on Hyde’s students. At the same time, the response served as a caution to Gauld and his team.

However, one conclusion came as a bit of a surprise: there seemed to be a clear correlation between the involvement of parents and the success of students.

Like good teachers at any boarding school, the Hyde faculty had consciously tried to function in a pseudo-parent role to the students while they were away from home. However, it was not the teachers’ intention to replace the parents. It is one thing for a teacher to assume a parent-like role in a time of extenuating circumstances (e.g., divorce, parental death, or illness). It is quite another for a school to freeze parents out of the picture. The questionnaire suggested to Gauld and the faculty that they had perhaps gotten so close to the students that the parents had begun to function as the proverbial “third wheel” on a date. Conclusion: from that point forward, every effort would be made to engage the parents into the process.

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The same trial-and-error approach that Joe Gauld originally applied in establishing the school was applied to the early development of what is today the Biggest Job program. The first evidence of a change in emphasis occurred during fall and spring Family Weekends which were transformed from the traditional boarding school affair of teacher conference/social reception/football game to working weekends consisting of family seminars and the writing of personal goals. As the geographical diversity of Hyde’s student body broadened, parent regions were established throughout the country. These regions began to meet monthly and expanded their offerings to include performing arts and community service projects. As this new parental emphasis evolved, the Family Learning Center (FLC) was in full operation by 1980. Today the FLC has a full-time staff that supervises Family Weekends, regional activities, and facilitates the three-day sessions on campus that parents experience each year.

A Typical Yearly Plan - What to Expect The basic expectations of the Biggest Job program are three-fold: • Two on-campus Family Weekends (October and April) 8 Five Things You Will Only Do at Hyde

• One Family Learning Center (FLC) session per year (Typically a three-day program) • Monthly and/or On-Line Regional Meetings (One of these is typically a weekend retreat.)

Today the FLC has a full-time staff that supervises Family Weekends, regional activities, and facilitates the three-day sessions on campus that parents experience each year.

An explanation of each follows.

Family Weekends As is true at most schools, Family Weekends provide a time for parents and siblings to visit campus, meet with teachers, experience a run-through of academic class rotations, view athletic contests or performing arts productions, and allow family members some private time with each other. Hyde Family Weekends are unique because students and parents also join together to engage in an ongoing honest and open exploration of three questions: 1. Who am I? 2. Where am I going with my life?

3. How do I get there?

Family Weekends are the two times of the year when the entire community assembles to address these questions. This work is done during the course of three Seminars (90 minutes to two hours each) in groups of five to eight families called Discovery Groups.

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Over the three Seminars we consider a progression that we have come to call the 3 R’s of seminars: 1. Raise 2. ‘Restle 3. Resolve Hence, in the first seminar session, various issues within the family are raised. Then, during the second session, those issues are considered and discussed. On the final day, there is an attempt to move toward resolution of those issues by establishing individual and group action plans for the future. Obviously, it is not likely that either personal or family issues will be recognized, addressed and dispatched all within the course of a single weekend. However, important steps toward that end can be made and that is the highest hope of the weekend. Issues or themes that families have examined in the past include communication, truth vs. harmony, and private self vs. public self. Also, sometimes family members will examine themselves in light of one of the Five Words or Five Principles.

Family Weekend also includes team- and family-building exercises.

There are conferences and workshops on a variety of topics including college placement, health, and parenting post-Hyde. Some weekends involve performing arts skits performed by students, faculty, and parents. (Invariably, it bolsters the resolve of a son or

Definitions: • Seminar - A small facilitated gathering of individuals who challenge and support each other to be the best possible version of themselves by sharing hopes, goals, experiences, and constructive criticism.

• Discovery Group - Mixed age and gender groups of 10-12 students, led by two or more faculty members, who function as a team, supporting and challenging each other throughout the school year.)

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daughter to see Mom and/or Dad struggling with some of the challenges that Hyde students face on a daily basis.) These exercises have a profound effect on students, exemplifying the school’s belief that character is better inspired than imparted. The weekend traditionally concludes with a community meeting in the Student Union.

Family Learning Center While the Family Weekend has a focus on the community as a whole, the FLC is intended to focus more specifically on each parent as an individual. A parent chooses a session from a possible list of more than twenty dates.

(Preference is given to long distance families for sessions that immediately precede or follow a Family Weekend.)

Typically, seven to twelve families will attend any given three-day session.

The FLC offers the family the opportunity to focus its goals and to assess progress in meeting them. There are four goals and objectives that parents write about on the first day: 1. To better understand how my family operates 2. To identify specifically what I can do to improve both the quality and effectiveness of our family life 3. To gain a better understanding of myself, my own needs, and my own sense of purpose in life Parent Graduation: The Biggest Job Parent Program 11

4. To identify specifically what I can do to improve the quality and effectiveness of my life The dynamics of Hyde’s “Action-Reflection Cycle” permeate the FLC. There are seminars, some with parents and children together and some where they are apart.

There is journaling.

Sometimes the Meyers-Briggs test is taken and analyzed. There is a performing arts component. There is an exercise called the “beach walk” that parents and children do together on a beautiful Maine beach. The program concludes with the reading of personal papers on the final morning.

Monthly Regional Meetings The Hyde regional coast-to-coast network reflects the extensive geographical range of Hyde’s student body. Over the years, here have been over 50 different regions. Large metropolitan areas are divided into smaller regions. (e.g., New York has been divided into four regions: Manhattan, Long Island, Northern Jersey, Connecticut-Westchester.) The Heartland region might cover a wide area of the Midwest and there might be smaller regions in Vermont and Atlanta. We 12 Five Things You Will Only Do at Hyde

have learned that five to six families can constitute an effective region. The group’s purpose is to function as a coach and a support group for parents. The regional group is to the parents what the Discovery Group team is to the students. Effective regions often develop lasting bonds of friendship and loyalty. Some have reunions and alumni regional groups are beginning to evolve in some areas.

The regional group is to the parents what the Discovery Group team is to the students. Effective regions often develop lasting bonds of friendship and loyalty. Some have reunions and alumni regional groups are beginning to evolve in some areas.

When the regional program was established over three decades ago, each group met monthly throughout the school year. Today, these meetings are sometimes augmented with on-line meetings or podcasts offered to the entire Hyde parent body all at once.

Meetings occurring in the region are typically 3 hours in length and members might rotate the location of the meetings among the homes of their members. Members facilitate their own meetings and typically include themes and exercises established by the FLC staff on campus. Typical agenda items include a seminar, journaling, or perhaps Biggest Job worksheet exercises. In the winter, each region conducts a weekend retreat that is facilitated by trained Hyde faculty. Regions also assist the school in its admissions and development efforts. Many regions occasionally conduct admissions “teas” Parent Graduation: The Biggest Job Parent Program 13

where prospective admissions families from that particular regional area are invited to talk with parents and Hyde faculty members about the school.

The regions also assist parents in their efforts to “bring Hyde home” during school vacations. It is not uncommon for Hyde families to keep the school shield and the Five Principles posted on the refrigerator door in the family kitchen. It is essential that students’ vacations represent a continuation, not an interruption, of their Hyde educations. The region offers a structure to help support this objective.

Conclusion I remember a Family Weekend many years ago when I was standing in the Mansion talking casually with the mother and father of a third-year student. Our discussion took place during that portion of the weekend schedule traditionally reserved for parent-teacher conferences. I asked these parents why they were talking with me instead of their son’s Spanish teacher. The mother replied, “How John is doing in Spanish is his problem.” I responded, “You can always tell the veteran parents at these weekends. They’re the ones who don’t care how their kids are doing.” This mother had learned 14 Five Things You Will Only Do at Hyde

that the only progress she could directly affect was her own. Many Hyde parents find this lesson the most difficult of all.

The Biggest Job (We’ll Ever Have) Finally, the Biggest Job parent program is based on the 10 Priorities presented and described in Laura and Malcolm Gauld’s book The Biggest Job We’ll Ever Have – The Hyde School Program for Character-Based Education and Parenting (Scribner, 2002). The 10 Priorities serve as the compass for parents and their families who seek to improve their parenting skills, create stronger family relationships, and even contribute to their own personal growth.

PRIORITY #1 – Truth Over Harmony. We all want honest families. We also want everyone to get along. Which do we want more? This priority calls upon parents to put the weight of their feet on the side of truth.

PRIORITY #2 – Principles Over Rules. We tend to apply rules when things are starting to spin out of control. (e.g., “There is no eating in THAT room, either!”) Rules must be guided by deep principles.

PRIORITY #3 – Attitude Over Aptitude. Schools, families, and society, in general, would be much healthier if we valued attitude over aptitude, effort over ability, and character over talent. Parents often send the message that successful outcomes are more important than honest efforts.

PRIORITY #4 – Set High Expectations and Let Go of Outcomes. Discipline alone will not properly raise our children. We need to aim high with our expectations and resist “lowering the bar” when we sense that our children are having difficulty achieving success. Letting go of the outcome allows our children to take responsibility for their actions.

PRIORITY #5 – Value Success and Failure. Today’s Parent Graduation: The Biggest Job Parent Program 15

parents have a hard time letting their children fail. Success is important, but failure can teach powerful lifelong lessons leading to profound personal growth.

PRIORITY #6 – Allowing Obstacles to Become Opportunities. We can get caught up in trying to “fix” our children’s problems (e.g., disagreements with their teachers, coaches, etc.) instead of seeing the potential for positive learning opportunities.

PRIORITY #7 – Taking Hold and Letting Go. It is hard to watch our children struggle with life’s challenges. When should we step in? When should we step away? This is one of the toughest parenting dilemmas.

PRIORITY #8 – Create A Character Culture. This priority can help parents create an atmosphere of character in the home through the application of a three-point plan: a daily job, a weekly family meeting, and a concept called “mandatory fun.”

PRIORITY #9 – Humility To Ask For And Accept Help.

While parents focus on helping their children, many avoid asking others for help. Consequently, they raise children who do not ask for help.

PRIORITY #10 – Inspiration: Job #1. Regardless of what they might say or do, teens share a deep yearning to be inspired by their parents. Ironically, we will not inspire our children with our achievements. We best inspire them when we share our struggles, reach for our best, and model daily character. n

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