The Rules: Lessons of a Learning Teacher

THE

RULES Lessons of a Learning Teacher

by Malcolm Gauld ’72

The Rules: Lessons of a Learning Teacher

by Malcolm Gauld ’72, P-’08, P-‘10 Copyright October 2017 Hyde Schools

The Rules Lessons of a Learning Teacher

by Malcolm Gauld

F

orty years ago, having completed month #1 of my very first teaching assignment at a New York boarding school, the head of school called me into his office for a chat. Dispensing with niceties, he got right to the point: “Malcolm, I just received a phone call from a mother who complained that her son has gotten stuck with all the rookie teachers, the ones who just stay one chapter ahead of the kids. So, I ask you, Malcolm, are you staying one chapter ahead of the kids?”

My first reaction: They’re on to me! I then pondered the question, trying to appear pensive and scholarly, paused a few seconds for emphasis, and then replied, “No sir.”

You see, the truth was that I was not actually a full chapter ahead of the kids.

That’s where things stood at the start of my career in the mid-70s.

In the early years, I was fairly self-conscious about just how much I did not know. I was terrified that my students would ask me quesThe Rules 1

tions in class that I couldn’t answer intelligently. After I got over this fear, I then went through a phase where I was trying to appear smarter than I actually was by pontificating scholarly theories to both students and colleagues. Similarly, my basketball and lacrosse teams were palettes for the latest plays and strategies. To tell you the truth, I would have to say that I may well have been more into being cute than effective.

Eventually, I got into a flow. Maybe it was nothing more than experience, but after a while, some things just seemed obvious.

For example, in the classroom, some of the most elementary and simplistic techniques taught more history than the more sophisticated methodologies did. On the playing fields, the most basic plays produced many more baskets and goals than the fancy ones did. (e.g., I fondly recall one very basic lacrosse play that would consistently produce goals even after the opposing teams knew what we were going to do.) Some things just plain worked.

After two or three decades of seeing the same things over and over again – the same attitudes and behaviors leading to progress, the same attitudes/behaviors resulting in lack thereof – it dawned on me that there are, in fact…..Rules.

They’re not MY rules. Nobody owns them. They’re just….THE rules.

So, I’ve rounded up twenty-five of them that have demonstrated a timeless quality (at least on my watch) and have offered a brief explanation of each one.

Onward, Malcolm Gauld

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The Rules 1. Don’t Lie. Don’t Quit.

2. Fleming’s Law: You Can’t Hit People; You Can’t Have it Both Ways.

3. Play the Hand You’re Dealt 4. You Can’t Soar with the Eagles if You’re Hanging with the Turkeys.

5. The Harder I Work, the Luckier I Get. 6. The Apple Doesn’t Fall Far From the Tree. (Neither do the Nuts.)

7. Life is Hard 8. Baby a Loser; Beat on a Winner 9. Be Serene 10. If You Can’t Get Out of It, Get into It 11. Take Your Job Seriously, Not Yourself 12. Work Hard; Then Persist 13. It’s Not What You Say, But How You Say It 14. Seek to Understand, But Accept Being Misunderstood 15. If You Stand for Nothing You’ll Fall for Anything 16. Got Humility?

17. Act Your Way Into Feeling (Not vice-versa) 18. Leave It Better Than You Found It 19. Don’t Take It Personally 20. Don’t Play Small 21. Find Someone Who Will Make You Do What You Can 22. Raise Yourself In Your Own Eyes 23. You Don’t Get Something for Nothing 24. Don’t Take Yourself Too Seriously 25. Drop Charlie Everybody Like a Bad Habit Lessons of a Learning Teacher 3

Rule #1: Don’t Lie. Don’t Quit.

While these rules are listed in no particular, one could easily argue that this is one is rightfully placed. If you’ve spent any time at Hyde, you’ve probably heard this one. (I mean…. it is so last century.) In any case, Don MacMillan, father of three Hyde alums and former Hyde head of school, is credited with its origin.

The message is so disarmingly simple that you can easily miss the point. When Don coined this line, it was one of those things that stuck immediately. It was as though the faculty had experienced an immediate collective realization: Every kid who has ever excelled here has held up his/her end on both sides of the equation. Every kid who has ever bombed out here has fallen down on one or both sides of the equation.

It also quickly became clear that there is a causal relationship between the two dynamics. Kids who don’t lie tend not to quit – and vice-versa. Kids who do lie tend to quit – and vice-versa.

Before too long, we realized that this rule isn’t just for kids……:-).

So, whether you’re starting out as a new student (or parent!) at Hyde, or starting your first job in the workplace, or pursuing a new challenging personal goal, keep it simple: Don’t Lie. Don’t Quit. Somehow, I sense that this one may stick around until next century.

Rule #2: Fleming’s Law: “You can’t hit people. You can’t have it both ways.”

Over the years, I have been the fortunate beneficiary of deep wisdom imparted and modeled by exemplary mentors, especially those on the Hyde Board of Governors, my bosses. One of those was Bill Fleming who served for nearly 20 years in the 1970s and 80s.

Several years ago, Bill was dying of cancer and I went to visit him during his final days. He had asked to see me, noting that he had 4 The Rules

something he wanted to give me. The “something” turned out to be the various books I had given him over the years. He loved books and he was giving back those he had received, re-inscribing them to the original givers. (Needless to say, I was blown away by the very idea, let alone the actual follow-thru.)

At one point, Bill got right to the point and said to me, “Malcolm, I’ve learned two things in life. First: You can’t hit people. Second: You can’t have it both ways.”

While I pondered, he went on to explain: “Most folks grasp the first point fairly early in life. But some people live their whole lives and never get the second.”

Like the song says, “It’s the truth, it’s actual.” The Fleming Award for Exemplary Personal Growth is given each year at commencement.

While I pondered, he went on to explain: “Most folks grasp the first point fairly early in life. But some people live their whole lives and never get the second.”

Rule #3: – Play the Hand You’re Dealt This old adage popped into my head years ago when I was pondering two of our students. One was the son of a nationally prominent entertainer. The other was a scholarship student from an impoverished background. Upon first glance, it appeared that these kids had nothing in common. Then it dawned on me, they indeed shared one critical feature in common: They both had the same amount of say in selecting their parents……None.

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So, if you were born into privilege, you need to play your stroke of luck to maximum advantage. (And I see it as my job to get you to commit to the idea that you will not be the sole beneficiary of whatever positive outcomes you produce.)

Conversely, if you were born into relative disadvantage, you cannot sit around feeling sorry for yourself. And before you think you’ve got no hand at all, consider what I tell our students each year: “As far as I’m concerned, each and every one of you is on scholarship…..full scholarship, in fact. The only difference is who’s paying for it. If you’re sitting here, you were able to get someone – your parents, a relative, the school, etc. – to pay a lot of money for you to go to high school. There are millions of kids who would change places with you in a second.”

Years ago, I met with a highly successful entrepreneur/businessman.

As his life was an inspiring rags-to-riches story, I could not resist asking him to divulge the secret of his success. He didn’t hesitate: “I had two major advantages. One, I was raised by a mother and father who loved me deeply. Two, I was born in the United States of America.”

Suffice it to say that I had been looking for something a bit more unique and profound. Come to think of it, he gave me something more profound than I was ready to handle.

So, take a good look at your hand. Play your cards to the hilt. Regardless of what you’re holding or how it plays out, it will do you no good to blame the dealer.

Rule #4: “You can’t soar with the eagles if you’re hanging with the turkeys.”

This one comes from Gary Kent, one of Hyde’s all-time great teachers and coaches. It sounds simple, but when you’re negotiating the halls of a typical high school, it can be hard to distinguish between the turkeys and the eagles. The “birds” all look the same.

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Pay attention and after a while you’ll notice that some fly and some don’t. Keep your eyes on the flyers. Those are the eagles. Go with them.

This one comes from Gary Kent, one of Hyde’s all-time great teachers and coaches. It sounds simple, but when you’re negotiating the halls of a typical high school, it can be hard to distinguish between the turkeys and the eagles.

Here’s an experiment for you to try. Take a moment and imagine what you would look like and what you’d be doing if you were humming on all cylinders. What would your study habits be? How would your extra-curricular time be spent? Once you get that image planted firmly in your head, then identify the 3-4 other kids in your school who most closely resemble that same profile. Without even considering whether you like these kids or not, make the conscious effort to hang out with them for a couple of months.

Then take note of your performance in and out of class.

What’s that? These are the same kids you’re already hanging with?

Well, when you get to college, consider majoring in ornithology.

Rule #5: The harder I work, the luckier I get.

In the early 80s I spent two years in the life insurance business in a Boston agency. One day I was cold-calling for appointments and getting beaten up pretty badly on the phone. I had been assigned twenty prospects to call and after dialing all the numbers, I came Lessons of a Learning Teacher 7

away with zero appointments. (I also came away with some nasty insults that had been directed to me.)

As I was putting on my coat to quit for the day, the phone rang.

It was some guy I had called a few weeks earlier. Although I didn’t remember him, I liked what he had to say: “You know, I’ve been thinking, and I’d really like to sit down with you.” We set an appointment and I headed for the elevator with a smile on my face.

Out in the lobby I happened to run into the president of the company and told him my experience. His face lit up and then transitioned to a serious expression as he said, “Malcolm, before I say what I’m going to say, understand that I have a graduate degree in engineering and run one of our company’s most successful agencies. But, also understand, there’s no doubt in my mind: If you had not dialed that phone those 20 times, that guy would not have called you.”

Assume that there is a fundamental relationship between your effort and your luck. Hyde has developed a number of concepts to help you get on track with this rule. Ask someone to tell you about “The 1-Thing” and “The Effort Savings Bank.”

Assume that there is a fundamental relationship between your effort and your luck. Hyde has developed a number of concepts to help you get on track with this rule. Ask someone to tell you about “The 1-Thing” and “The Effort Savings Bank.”

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Rule #6: The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

(Neither do the nuts.)

This is one of those clichés that gets thrown around so much that people don’t really think about what it means. It’s like You can’t judge a book by its cover. – Or – A Wink is as good as a nod…. to a blind horse…… Wait…. that’s the title of a 1971 album by the band Faces (featuring a much younger Rod Stewart on vocals).

Anyway….

The point is that after a while the wisdom of the adage gets stuck on the back burner, especially after we’ve had it up to here after hearing it so much that one more time is going to put us through the roof. (Take that! – 3 clichés in one sentence.)

Some call The Beatles song Yesterday the greatest popular song ever, and they can’t get enough of it. However, others will say, “Good song, but I heard it so much that I got sick of it.” I say, that’s not the song’s fault. You might blame the Beatles or their record company, but you can’t blame the song itself.

People tend to view Rule #6 through a negative lens. They see it as a parental warning: Beware! Your bad traits will be revisited in your children! Therefore, some conclude that they need to hide, disguise, or eliminate their negative traits.

I say, try looking through the other end of the telescope, or look on the bright side. (Sorry, but at least I’m down to two clichés per sentence.) You will then see that your positive traits will also be revisited in your children. So, rather than focus on disguising your bad traits, focus on developing your good ones.

Although I don’t think he was a parent, author James Baldwin (1924-1987) hit the nail on the head (whoops!) when he noted, “Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”

So, think about how it all applies to you. Trust me, it’s not apples and oranges.

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Rule #7: Life is Hard For years I carried this statement around in my wallet: Life is Difficult… This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult – once we truly understand and accept it – then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.

– Opening paragraph in Scott Peck’s Road Less Traveled (1978) If Scott Peck is too heavy for you, consider what Supreme Court Justice Louis Brandeis reportedly once said to a whining granddaughter: “If you would only recognize that life is hard, things would be so much easier for you.”

So just accept it. Life is hard. And know that nothing makes it harder than waiting around hoping for it to get easier.

Rule #8: Baby a loser; Beat on a winner.

Here’s another one from Gary Kent. (See Rule #4: You can’t soar with the eagles if you’re hanging with the turkeys.) It can be helpful to coaches, parents, teachers, supervisors or pretty much anyone in any kind of leadership role.

Back when I was a young coach, I found myself working with a talented group of lacrosse players on a losing streak. Tortured with anguish, I took it out on the kids. I railed on them about lack of hustle, lack of desire, lack of killer instinct, and any other “lack” that came to mind. Gary was working with me as my assistant coach.

(As an aside, Gary would coach anything and anyone at any level.

While football and wrestling were his domains – He was inducted into the Maine Wrestling Hall of Fame. – he was one of those guys who just had to be out on the field. So, he helped me out even though he admittedly didn’t know much about lacrosse. I was 10 The Rules

glad to have him because he knew a lot more about winning and character development through athletics than I did.)

After I had sent the kids to the showers following one of my harangues, Gary pulled me aside and observed, “Baby a loser & beat on a winner.” Perplexed, I asked for an explanation.

He replied, “When your team is losing, praise their efforts and tell them you believe in them, assuring them that the next win is just around the corner. When they’re winning, tell them they’re slacking off and will undoubtedly get creamed by the next team on the schedule.”

It dawned on that my approach had been the exact opposite of what Gary was recommending. So I tried it his way. It not only brought about a dramatic change in my coaching style, it worked.

It dawned on that my approach had been the exact opposite of what Gary was recommending. So I tried it his way. It not only brought about a dramatic change in my coaching style, it worked.

The next time you are called upon to lead or supervise someone, give it a try.

Rule #9: Be Serene Among the regrets I harbor regarding how I have spent my adult life, there’s one that stands out: I wish I had not spent so much time worrying.

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I have worried about the past, the present, and the future. I have worried about what might happen. I have worried about what might not happen. I confess that during those times when I have not been in a state of worry, I have actually worried that I must be missing something.

A time-honored antidote to worry comes in the form of the Serenity Prayer. It has certainly helped me.

I also really like baseball great Mickey Rivers’ articulation of the very same sentiment: Ain’t no use worrying about things you got control over, cause if you got control over them, ain’t no sense worrying.

And there ain’t no sense worrying ’bout things you ain’t got control over, cause if you got no control over ‘em, ain’t no sense worrying ’bout ‘em.

So… Don’t worry about it!

Rule #10: If you can’t get out of it, Get Into it Back in olden days there was a rock band called Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young. The Stills character (Steve) once broke off with a solo album and had a hit song called “Love the One You’re With.”

The chorus went like this: “So, If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.”

Although Mr. Stills wasn’t thinking that he’d end up on a list like this one, his thinking applies to Rule #10. This is another one from Don MacMillan whose musical preferences lie more with Springsteen than CSN&Y. Anyway…..

We often find ourselves in situations where we feel put upon to honor an obligation against our wishes. Maybe it’s an office party.

Maybe it’s a cousin’s piano recital. Maybe it’s a school that our parents have enrolled us in that we’d rather not attend.

Regardless of what it is, it’s only natural to question whether getting out of it is a realistic or prudent option. If the answer comes 12 The Rules

up negative, then GET INTO IT. Take this approach, and chances are that two positive outcomes will occur: 1) You will derive unexpected benefit from the experience.

2) Time will pass more quickly.

So, if you can’t get out of it, get into it.

Rule #11: Take Your Job Seriously, Not Yourself This one’s older than dirt. Maybe that’s because it’s true.

Patrick Lencioni kicks off his excellent book The 5 Temptations of a CEO with Temptation #1: Choose RESULTS over STATUS. He explains, “Make results the most important measure of personal success OR step down.”

Put your emphasis on the task or responsibility before you. Don’t get caught up in how you look or your reputation. Former UCLA basketball coach John Wooden put it quite simply: “Choose character over reputation.”

Put your emphasis on the task or responsibility before you. Don’t get caught up in how you look or your reputation. Former UCLA basketball coach John Wooden put it quite simply: “Choose character over reputation.”

A century before Wooden, Abraham Lincoln made the same point with the analogy of a tree and its shadow: “Character is like a tree Lessons of a Learning Teacher 13

and reputation like its shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing.”

Hey, if those guys say it’s true, then you can take it to the bank.

So, be the “real thing.” Take your job seriously instead of yourself.

You may well find that this approach comes with the bonus of an impeccable reputation and, who knows, maybe even high status.

(But if you try to go in the reverse, chances are that you’ll end up with neither.)

Rule #12: Work Hard; Then Persist Everyone’s going to tell you to work hard. But you’ll find that’s not good enough. The key is to persist.

When my wife Laura was a little girl, her stepfather would lecture her incessantly with this statement: “If you work very hard, you will only be competing against 10% of those you encounter in nearly any workplace. That’s because 90% don’t go the extra mile.” She would roll her eyes – not to his face! – but it stuck. (Maybe that’s because he was so persistent in saying it. There may be a lesson there if you get into parenting yourself someday.)

Today Laura will tell you that she has repeatedly seen her stepfather’s words play out in every work environment she has ever experienced.

Although he was famous for not saying much, President Calvin Coolidge spoke volumes in this paragraph of wisdom: Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence.

Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent.

Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb.

Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts.

Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.

The slogan ‘Press on,’ has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.

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One guy who understood something about work and persistence was Andrew Carnegie (1835-1919). Here’s what he had to say: “The average person puts only 25% of his energy and ability into his work. The world takes off its hat to those who put in more than 50% of their capacity and stands on its head for those fewand-far-between souls who devote 100%” So, “Press On.” Go ahead and make the world stand on its head.

Rule #13: It’s Not What, But How You Say It If you’re trying to communicate something – and remember that you’re always communicating something! – it’s important to know that the actual words that come out of your mouth will tell only part of the story. Assume that your tone, nuance, and body language will come across more forcefully than the words themselves.

Consider an experiment, one that has been circulating around the Internet for a while. It involves a simple sentence: I didn’t say she stole the money.

Say the sentence out loud.

Now say it again, with particular emphasis on the first word – i.e., I. Notice a difference?

Now say it again, this time with your emphasis on the second word: didn’t. You’ll notice that it takes on yet another meaning.

Now say it again, this time with emphasis on the word “say.” Yet another meaning, and so on.

As you continue on, each time emphasizing a different word, you will notice that the sentence takes on a whole new meaning each time depending upon which word is emphasized. Notice also that the wording itself never changes. And so it is with our spoken word communication each and every day.

It’s not what, but how you say it. So be sure to align your words, nuances, tone, and body language to maximum effect.

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Rule #14: Seek to Understand, But Accept Being Misunderstood When you find yourself in a leadership capacity, especially if you’ve been there for a while, it’s easy to lose sight of the fact that you have an inside track that is likely closed off to others around you.

This fact, by itself, can breed resentment. This natural resentment is then magnified if you don’t listen and can fuel all sorts of downsides: • You won’t get anything done.

• You’ll miss out on a lot of good ideas offered by your colleagues.

• You won’t have any friends when it’s all over.

At the same time, I’ve always felt that the hardest part about leadership is learning to live with being misunderstood. Sometimes you have to make unpopular decisions. When this happens, you might do well to expect to be accused of not listening.

When you find yourself in a leadership capacity, especially if you’ve been there for a while, it’s easy to lose sight of the fact that you have an inside track that is likely closed off to others around you.

When I first had to make difficult decisions, I felt overcome with a temptation to call everyone together and explain why I was doing what I was doing. I was sure that if I could just spend a few hours with my colleagues that I could at least get them to see why I was doing what I was doing, even if they never ultimately agreed.

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Then it would dawn on me, But I don’t have a few hours to spend on that….and neither do they. So, I had to learn to trust that things would work out for the best and that my colleagues would see the benefit down the road.

Years ago I had a boss who taught me how to manage a team of salespeople. He used to say, “Don’t worry about whether they like you. If they succeed, they’ll like you no matter how much you pushed them. If they don’t succeed, they aren’t going to like you, no matter how nice you were to them.”

All this adds up to the fact that leadership can be a lonely road.

As President Harry Truman once said about his job, “If you need a friend… get a dog.”

Rule #15: If You Stand for Nothing You’ll Fall for Anything I live in Bath, Maine – The Cradle of Ships. For centuries, Bath-built ships have symbolized a gold standard in navigation. A big reason for this is the work ethic that pervades both the Bath Iron Works and the community.

When people come to visit, I always show off my favorite local landmark. It’s a sign at the entrance to the North Gate of the shipyard that proudly proclaims:

Through These Gates Pass the Best Shipbuilders in the World Those of us who live in Bath take great pride in the belief that the thing that we make in our town, we make better than anyone else in the world. Signs are everywhere. T-shirts boasting “Bath Built is Best Built” are common. The local high school teams call themselves The Shipbuilders. Bath kids grow up knowing what “under time & under budget” means because ships have been delivered that way in Bath for over three centuries. Anyone who knows ships, knows that Bath is synonymous with quality.

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My time as a Hyde student infused within me a respect for the Five Words that have adorned the school shield since its founding in 1966: Courage, Integrity, Leadership, Curiosity, and Concern.

If you stand for nothing, you’ll fall for anything. So, what do you stand for?

My time as a Hyde student infused within me a respect for the Five Words that have adorned the school shield since its founding in 1966: Courage, Integrity, Leadership, Curiosity, and Concern.

On some days I live up to these words better than I do on others, but they’re what I’m shooting for. Over the years, I’ve found that my earnest efforts to stand for these words render me less susceptible to falling for sketchy schemes and “Fool’s Gold.” I’m not saying I never fall, only that it’s far less likely to happen when I’m striving to stand for principle.

Rule #16: Got Humility?

When I was young, humility was a tough sell. Maybe it’s because when you’re a kid you know that you’re not in charge. So, you want to get in charge. You’re waiting to get older, as if the years themselves will result in you running the show. Humility just doesn’t fit with the plan.

Even when you try to understand it, the meaning can be elusive.

Ted Turner, a man with no shortage of swagger, said, “If only I had a little humility, I’d be perfect.”

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Then you have a few setbacks to set you straight. I’ve always liked the old George Carlin joke: “You want to make God laugh?…Tell him your plans.”

Bill Wilson, co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, put a more serious slant on the setback perspective: “In God’s economy, nothing is wasted. Through failure, we learn a lesson in humility which is probably needed, painful though it is.”

At the Hyde Schools, Humility is one of Five Principles we seek to inspire. It’s also probably the hardest one to explain. I ask kids and parents to consider this statement: I don’t know what the center of the universe is, I only know it’s not me. If you cannot get behind that statement, then chances are you’ll struggle with humility and this school won’t work for you.

Here are two simple quotes of unknown origin that have been helpful to my ongoing understanding of humility: 1. “Humility does not mean thinking less of myself. It means thinking of myself less.”

2. “Humility is when you help someone else and only you and God know about it.”

I’ll give the last word to C. S. Lewis: “Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither.”

Here’s looking at you Through the Looking Glass.

Rule #17: Act Your Way Into Feeling (not Vice-Versa) The Cult of Self-esteem rests on the assumption that if kids feel good about themselves, they’ll do good things. In my experience, the opposite is true: If kids do good things, they’ll feel good about themselves.

When I worked in a sales organization in the early 80s, I heard many a salesperson fight through the very real phenomenon of “call reluctance” with pledges to “I need to… Get psyched! Then I can really get on a roll!”

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The president of the company would then counter these assertions with this adage: “You’re more likely to act your way into feeling, than feel your way into acting.”

So, stop whatever you’re doing and devote 10 minutes to whatever task is at hand: laundry, homework, the lawn, sales calls, etc. Then stop after 10 minutes and see how you feel.

That’s acting your way into feeling.

That works.

At first, I didn’t understand. Eventually, this phrase became one of the central themes of my teaching and coaching.

I could not count the number of kids (or adults!) who say, “If only I could stop procrastinating, then I could tackle my: a) term paper, b) athletic workout, c) science project, 4) laundry, 5) all of the above.”

That’s feeling your way into acting. It doesn’t work.

So, stop whatever you’re doing and devote 10 minutes to whatever task is at hand: laundry, homework, the lawn, sales calls, etc. Then stop after 10 minutes and see how you feel. That’s acting your way into feeling. That works.

So, don’t wait around for inspiration to come to you. Start moving. You’ll feel good about it.

Rule #18: Leave It Better Than You Found It Each February the Hyde-Bath basketball team and fans descend upon the Augusta (ME) Civic Center (ACC) for the state bas20 The Rules

ketball tournament. One year as our fans were filing out of the ACC after a game, a janitor pulled me aside and said, “I probably shouldn’t say this, but me and my guys always cheer for Hyde at this thing. Not only do we love watching your players and your fans, we also know that we don’t need to clean up after the Hyde folks. Fact is, my guys fight over who gets the job of cleaning up the Hyde section after you guys leave.”

Years ago we established the ethic of “Leave it Cleaner than You Found It.” This is a step beyond “Pick Up After Yourself.” Once you step up to the higher standard, no longer is it acceptable to say, “I didn’t make that mess, so I don’t have to clean it up.”

I guess it all started decades ago during “away” athletic events when our coaches would get after the kids to make sure that they didn’t leave paper cups and athletic tape on the ground/floor. This evolved into, “Let’s be sure to clean up our area.” Before long, it reached a point where some of our teams would clean up their locker room no matter how clean it was when they arrived. This eventually became a trademark of Hyde athletic teams as reflected in the above story.

Ultimately, the ethic spread beyond sports and into classrooms, meeting spaces, dining areas, buses, sidewalks, even movie theatres.

On face value, it’s really not that big a deal. Then again, the only difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little “extra.”

Rule #19: Don’t Take It Personally At the Hyde Schools, we are expected both to offer and to receive constructive criticism of each other’s efforts. Sometimes this expectation causes us to hear (and/or say) some things that we either don’t expect or don’t want to accept. It has also given rise to a critical guideline: “If the shoe fits, wear it. If not, throw it away.”

Criticism can be hard to hear. We encourage people just to open their minds and hearts, take it in, consider it with objectivity, and then decide whether and how to act. Sometimes we find ourLessons of a Learning Teacher 21

selves taking it personally. That’s when the “shoe” guideline can be helpful.

If you have trouble with this, give some thought to an old saying: “It’s none of your business what anyone else thinks about you.”

Sounds weird, but it’s true.

Still having trouble? Consider what basketball coach John Wooden said: “You can’t let praise or criticism get to you. It’s a weakness to get caught up in either one.”

In his book Feeling Good – The New Mood Therapy, David Burns writes, “…you must realize that it is not other people, or the critical comments they make, that upset you. To repeat, there has never been a single time in your life when the critical comments of some other person upset you – even to a small extent. No matter how vicious, heartless, or cruel these comments may be, they have no power to disturb you or to create even a little bit of discomfort.”

Huh? Burns maintains that such comments merely trigger or amplify thoughts that already lurk somewhere, sometimes deep within yourself. So, if you want to feel better about yourself, then start thinking more highly of yourself. (How? Start by reading his book.

I did and it’s one of the best things I ever did…for myself.)

Burns goes on to say, “Only one person in this world has the power to put you down – and you are that person, no one else!”

Finally, always remember Abraham Lincoln’s immortal words: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

Rule #20: Don’t Play Small If I could improve upon the words of Marianne Williamson, I would. But I can’t. (And I don’t think I’m “playing small” in saying so.) This famous excerpt from her book A Return to Love – often incorrectly attributed to Nelson Mandela* – pretty much covers Rule #20.

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Our Greatest Fear Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.

There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, Our presence automatically liberates others. * I like what Williamson reportedly said about the incorrect Mandela attribution. It’s a good example of humility without playing small: “As honored as I would be had President Mandela quoted my words, indeed he did not. I have no idea where that story came from, but I am gratified that the paragraph has come to mean so much to so many people.”

Rule #21: Find Someone Who Will Make You Do What You Can This one comes from a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson: “Our chief want in life is someone who will make us do what we can.”

We need people in our lives – teachers, coaches, mentors, bosses, friends, etc. – who perceive our capabilities and potentials to be greater than we perceive them to be. Rule #21 encourages us to invite them into our lives and defer to their belief in us.

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Back in school I had a coach who had a perception of me as a lacrosse player that was a notch or two higher than where I saw myself. Consequently, he held me to a set of standards that corresponded with his perception. I didn’t always like it. (After all, I

After a while, I started performing at a level that was higher than I had envisioned. Thankfully, I was able to see the link between his strategy and the outcome, swallow my ego, and do it his way. It eventually dawned on me that I would not have excelled had my original perception ruled the day. preferred the expectations that corresponded with my perception of myself as a player!) After a while, I started performing at a level that was higher than I had envisioned. Thankfully, I was able to see the link between his strategy and the outcome, swallow my ego, and do it his way. It eventually dawned on me that I would not have excelled had my original perception ruled the day.

At Hyde graduations it is common to hear graduates say, “The teachers at this school believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself.” As Emerson observed, sometimes we just need people in our lives who will make us do what we can. However, if we expect to benefit from such people, we also need to accept the responsibility to someday be that someone for someone else.

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Rule #22: Raise Yourself In Your Own Eyes My philosophy of education can be summarized in two quotes.

The first – in both order and importance – is by 19th century French painter Eugene Delacroix: “When we do the right thing, we raise ourselves in our own eyes.”

We tend to spend a lot of our time trying to raise ourselves in the eyes of others: our teachers, our bosses, for example. However, the person we really want to impress is ourselves. We can only do that by doing the right thing. And that can be a lot more difficult than it sounds, especially during those times when we are not sure what the right thing is. To further complicate matters, sometimes we have to go against the advice of family and friends who are certain that they know what course of action is best for us.

(What’s more, some people are actually trying to pull us down to their level rather than raise us to new heights!)

When we’re stuck, we will often do well to consider the second quote that summarizes my philosophy of education. That’s the Emerson quote in Rule #21: “Our chief want is someone who will make us do what we can.” The problem is that we might not want to hear what that someone has to say. Sometimes you just have to go see the people that you do not want to see.

Rule #23: You Don’t Get Something for Nothing Here’s another one of those adages that rolls off the tongue so often that we don’t think about it, much less really ponder its wisdom.

I get three things from it: 1. Work hard and you just might get something.

2. Don’t work and you should expect to get nothing.

3. When it appears that you have gotten something for nothing, be suspicious.

In Hyde’s early days, a young Vermont farm boy captured the essence of Rule #23 in his application essay: Lessons of a Learning Teacher 25

“Even nature teaches us that you don’t get something for nothing.

Why else would she surround honey with bees and roses with thorns?”

‘Nuff said.

Rule #24: Don’t Take Yourself Too Seriously Whereas Rule #19 demands that we not take things personally, this one asks us to apply the same reasoning to ourselves. Given the fact that the way we want to see ourselves can distort the picture, the simple act of laughing at ourselves can refocus things.

Years back I came across two anonymous quotes that capture it all pretty well. The first one: “Those who can’t laugh at themselves leave the job to others.”

Look at it this way: someone’s going to laugh at you. This quote suggests that it might as well be you. It also allows you the option of going it alone or joining the party.

The second quote: “Blessed is he who has learned to laugh at himself for he will always maintain a dependable source of amusement.”

With all there is in the world to cry about, it’s nice to know that we need not venture anywhere at all to get a few laughs.

There, don’t you feel better already?

Rule #25: Drop Charlie Everybody Like a Bad Habit School life, like family and work life, comes with a familiar assortment of common issues. Typical ones include tardiness, litter, missed homework assignments, sloppy dress, and periods of general and uninspired laziness. (They have their equivalents at both home and work.)

During phases characterized by any of the above, a phantom third person often emerges as the culprit. Let’s call that person Charlie Everybody.

26 The Rules

You know Charlie Everybody, don’t you? You can always tell when he’s around because you hear people say, “Everybody does it.”

You know Charlie Everybody, don’t you? You can always tell when he’s around because you hear people say, “Everybody does it.”

Charlie is often accompanied by his brother or sister Nobody – Like Terry or Dana, the name is gender neutral – an individual who tends not to care. You know this because people boldly come right out and say, “Nobody cares.”

These siblings often come with a cousin named Lotsa. (“Lotsa People have tried to stop it.”)

When these folks are on the scene, know that it’s time to introduce a new player into the mix. That person’s name is…I. Onward, Malcolm Gauld

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