Limitless by Hyphenette

-ette

Limitless

DEC 18

H Y P H E N E T T E . C O M

-ette

CONTENTS 14

Seeking strength through silence Yoga teacher Kate Cameron found herself doubting her value as a teacher until she stepped into a centre in Java offering Vipassana. With her world feeling like an upturned box of crayons, Kate committed herself to ten days of silent meditation in her quest for clarity and strength.

Any jobs out there for me?

As someone with a solid record of emotional resilience, Georgia Tendall did not anticipate the extent to which th job hunting process would bruise her mental health. Months of frustration culminated in an emotional breakdown in a pub, following which Georgia found the resilience to continue pursuing her dreams. Here, she shares her advice for nurturing your mental health during unemployment.

Limitless

How do you do it? Lots of people ask Esther Irving these days, how do you do it? Theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re referring to her handling one pivotal moment and everything that followed: the world turned upside down in the Irving household when Mr I was diagnosed with cancer.

06 You are limitless

29 Conquering a new city

10 Racing ahead: Amna Al Qubaisi

34 Travelling with CFS is absolutely possible

26 Is it time for a new job?

50 Literacy and empowerment

Limitless

had lofty ambitions as a child. I wanted to be the first female Red Arrows pilot; I'm not sure why I thought I had what it took to join the world's premier aerobatics display team, but I had a dream, alright. Needless to say, I did not achieve this; not only was I beaten to the post by Flt Lt Kirsty Stewart in 2010, but I tried flying and was hopeless. It's most likely for the best this one didn't pan out. Not all dreams can come true but at the risk of sounding cheesy, it's the journey, not the destination, that counts. Welcome to Limitless: this is all about going for your dreams no matter what. It's about standing up for yourself, ignoring the naysayers and diving headfirst into your ambitions. We are limitless in our drive and our ambition, and we want this edition to inspire and empower you to take the leap of faith you need in whatever walk of life you desire. Limitless is also dedicated to pushing through and surviving the dark times; to navigating grief and adversity. We can't all be Red Arrows pilots, but we can all try. Don't set limits for yourself: 'there's no such word as can't'. To our contributors, thank you. To our readers, enjoy. â&#x2013;

Jade Sterling Editor

â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Believe in yourself, take on your challenges, dig deep within yourself to conquer fears. Never let anyone bring you down. You got to keep going.â&#x20AC;&#x2122; ~ Chantal Sutherland

-ette

YO U ARE LI M I T LES S It's not too late to be what you always wanted to be

hen I grow up, I’m gonna be an astronaut, and a chef, and a doctor, and a racing driver. All at once. What child hasn’t beamed with ambition and optimism? These goals may seem cute if a little unrealistic, but really, they’re not: somebody is going to be a racing driver, so why not you?

You’re never too old to pursue a dream—look at Amna Al Qubaisi, starting her karting career a good nine years after most children start. You could be a superstar athlete too. There are countless stories of middle-aged people giving up their vices and targeting marathons, or summoning the courage to audition for the X Factor. Obviously, there are a few hurdles: your brain, responsibilities, society, too much chocolate. But if you really dedicated yourself to it, and loved it with all your heart, you could be limitless.

Think back to your school years and all the activities you enjoyed—the people who ‘made it’ in life, the Olympic athletes, popstars and renowned artists have one thing in common: passion. Sounds great, but didn’t they all start really young? Haven’t I missed my opportunity to be an athlete? Nope.

And if sport or singing don’t float your boat? No problem—there’s no skill in this world you couldn’t learn if you wanted to. Any skill takes time to develop and there are countless famous people who started learning after 20, 30, 40 or even 50. And when you start doing what you want to do, you’re probably going to be really bad at first.

It’s a common argument: female athletes peak when they’re 17 years old and lose their skills quickly after that, with male athletes peaking around 19. Successful athletes are always young; they fight for their dreams from the get-go and then leave their sport at 25, the normal age of retirement for Olympic athletes. Swimmer Dara Torres was no different: she competed at 17, 21 and 25, then retired and became a mother. Then at 33 years old, she decided she needed a challenge and got back into swimming—and got onto the US Olympic swim team. Fast forward another eight years, she’s 41 years old and went for it again: she still holds the record for oldest US Olympic swimmer.

Van Gogh started painting in his 20s and was considered to have no artistic talent at all. He was forced to sit in the back of the classrooms, where the worst artists languished. You’ll probably experience the same: you and everyone else will think you’re bad. But if you stick with it, if you’re willing to put in the work and the time and the blood and the sweat and the tears, if you keep loving it through all that, you might just paint Starry Night. 6

Limitless

‘Start now. Start where you are. Start with fear. Start with pain. Start with doubt. Start with hands shaking. Start with voice trembling but start. Start and don’t stop. Start where you are, with what you have. Just... start.’ ~ Ijeoma Umebinyuo 7

-ette

And don’t let anyone tell you, you can only be one thing in life. Not only is there more than enough time to pursue all your interests, but you could be the next Mae Jemison. She became the first African American woman to travel in space when she went into orbit aboard the Space Shuttle Endeavour on 12 September 1992. Before that, she graduated from medical school and served in the peace corps, then founded a company researching the application of technology to daily life when she retired from NASA. So she’s a doctor and an astronaut: but she’s also a dancer and an actress, holding nine honorary doctorates in science, engineering, letters, and the humanities.

As her mother told her during her last senior year in college: ‘You can always dance if you’re a doctor, but you can’t doctor if you’re a dancer.’ During her time at Cornell Medical College, Mae Jemison took lessons in modern dance at the Alvin Ailey American Dance Theatre—she took a poster from the theatre with her to space. Pursuing one dream does not mean relinquishing another.

Go for it. ■

‘Talent is a pursued interest. In other words, anything that you’re willing to practice, you can do.’ ~ Bob Ross

Limitless

-ette

R ACIN G A H E A D: AMN A A L Q U B A I S I ‘I’m very proud to be representing women in general and Arabian women in particular.’

mna Al Qubaisi is quite the inspiration. the UAE Senior-class Rotax Max Challenge— The first Emirati female racing driver after just four years in the sport. to compete internationally, she has impressed in karting and Formula 4 and is ‘My competitors started at a very young now turning her talents to the electric-only age—around five or six years old—and racing formula, Formula E. Also, she’s 18. I started just four years ago, but you’re

never too old to drive a race car.’

Amna began her racing career in 2014, aged 14. She was inspired by her father, Khaled Al Qubaisi, who made history for the United Arab Emirates when he became the first Emirati to compete at the 24 Hours of Le Mans race. ‘I got into racing because of my dad. Before that, I was an elite gymnast, but later on, I grew more fond of motorsport because all my dad’s conversations were about racing! Going to different tracks around the world, meeting different drivers, anything and everything about racing—I thought I should try a go-kart, and that’s where it all began.’ Kart racing is a popular way to introduce future drivers to motor racing, with many Formula 1 drivers starting in karts, including Michael Schumacher, Ayrton Senna and Lewis Hamilton. In 2017, Amna became the first woman to win 10

Limitless

-ette

Having made history as the first Arab female to compete in international motorsports, Amna had to overcome many barriers to reach this level—hurdles many fall at, especially women.

This year, Amna raced in Formula 4 for a prestigious team: Prema Powerteam. ‘I’m very happy and proud to be part of a very professional and elite team. They’ve treated me very well so I’m glad I’m part of an established team who have ‘It feels very perplexing to be the first Arab. won many races and graduated many Formula 1 Not only did I have to compete in the karting drivers such as Charles Leclerc, Pierre Gasly, and championship in the UAE, but I had to win it, and Antonio Giovinazzi.’ be amongst the top ten when karting in Europe. It takes years of hard work, dedication, sweat Season over, Amna headed to Saudi Arabia for and tears, but in the end, I made it. It’s definitely the December Formula E test at the Ad Diriyah not easy for women as you can see very few have ePrix in Riyadh. Formula E is a worldwide made it, and we work twice as hard to reach the competition where only electric-powered cars top of our game. My age doesn’t really matter, can compete and Amna was looking forward to since in racing it’s more about your experience driving the Audi Sport FE05: level. A billion thanks to my sponsors Kaspersky ‘I’m thrilled for my first Formula E Lab, Renoir Consulting, Italia Independent, Garage Italia, and Omeir Travel Agency for experience. It’s always been something I wanted to do: the feel of instant and believing in me and giving me this exceptional impressive power from the get-go.’ opportunity.’ 12

Limitless

She wasn’t the lone female in this experience though: Amna is one of seven female drivers who were involved in the test, including Carmen Jorda and Simona de Silvestro, who have both been involved with Formula 1 teams in the past.

‘My parents’ number one rule is education, so if I don’t study or get good grades, I can’t attend any races! I’m interested in doing some filming or media, or mechanical engineering.’ As for the racing, ‘the future is bright, so we’ll see what’s to come for me next year! Some pretty positive Not only that, but her sister, Hamda Al Qubaisi, things.’ is starting her own racing journey. In 2017, Amna was nominated as one of the top ‘To be honest, my little sister surprised us all. ten Middle Eastern women who ‘crushed it in She wasn’t very fond of racing, but amazingly 2017’ and she really is a role model to women from her first race where she was almost lapped, across the GCC. Her advice to any woman with she won the last race of the season! She’s very a dream? ruthless and an aggressive driver; we had a few races together in junior karting, which was very ‘Never be ashamed of expressing your dreams competitive, and hopefully in the future we’ll be and goals, even if people laugh at you and are able to compete in cars.’ cynical. Use that as motivation to push harder and prove them wrong. They’re just afraid you’ll In the meantime, Amna is off to Paris Sorbonne make it.’ ■ University, where she’ll be balancing her studying with all the racing and training she needs for international competitiveness.

-ette

SEEKING ST R E N GT H T HR OU G H S I LE N C E

Vipassana felt like a kind of cosmic secret that only those who had experienced could understand.

Limitless

Two years ago I sat in my first Vipassana. After a nomadic 12 months working in Australia, I had booked myself a ticket to Bali where I spent three weeks at a yoga retreat in the surf town of Canggu. I was a new yoga teacher hoping to deepen my practice and become stronger in every way that I could. It was during my time in Bali that I reserved my place at the upcoming silent meditation on the nearby island of Java.

other way? I can provide a copy as proof?’ Again, the response was swift: ‘No. We cannot accept you without your passport. We are sorry.’ A few days later, I boarded the plane to Java without much of a plan. I had reached out to a few volunteering organisations thinking I could spend my ten days doing something there instead. But as the plane rolled out onto the runway, I felt a sinking disappointment. I had been travelling for a long time and at this point in my life, the whole contents of my world felt much like a box of crayons that could and would be flipped upside down at any given moment. The wheres and the whos and the whats and the hows were always subject to change, and my spiritual practice was the only thing in life I had been able to commit wholeheartedly to. In some ways, it was this kind of freedom that I craved as much as the air I breathed in. In other ways though, it was incredibly lonely, stressful and disconcerting.

Vipassana was something I had heard of and had been curious about for a while. It felt like a kind of cosmic secret that only those who had experienced could understand. The people who spoke about it used words that were expansive and vague, descriptions that unveiled little but still left me reeling. There was this feeling that they had experienced some higher realm of consciousness or maybe even ‘seen’ God.

I wanted to know what they had experienced; I wanted to experience it for myself.

If fate had had it any other way, I would have sat on the plane next to anyone else. I would have not bothered to speak to the German man sitting next to me and he would not have bothered to speak to me. He never would have told me that he too was heading to the same Vipassana that I had been hoping to attend, or that he had in the course of his middle-aged lifetime sat through— brace yourself—thirty Vipassana meditations of ten days each in length (which adds up to nearly a year of life in silent meditation). If fate had had it any other way, he would not have convinced me to just come along, to make the two hour trek outside of the city and into the less populated hills of Java, and to try to get in anyway. ‘When the ten days are over,’ he said, looking far away, ‘You feel so different. So… clean.’

Vipassana, I knew, was a very serious style of meditation and centres often booked up well in advance. There was a limited smattering of them around the globe that offered the traditionally recognised 10 day Vipassana, and one of them had happened to be close to where I was in Indonesia. I took the proximity as a sign and booked myself into the upcoming sit. Unfortunately, a few days before I was scheduled to leave for Java, I had issues with my visa and the immigration office told me that my passport would be withheld for a week while the necessary documents were processed. It became clear that I wouldn’t have it back before I left for Java. I emailed the centre and received a swift response: ‘You need your passport and visa in order to participate. Otherwise we cannot allow you to come to our centre.’ I tried again. ‘Is there any

And so I went. And so they accepted me with my paper passport copy. 15

-ette

We renounced our electronics. We were divided into groups based on gender and advised to dress in ways that covered our knees and shoulders. The volunteers sat us down one by one before the meditation and asked us questions.

my passport issues, I had agreed to come along anyway. So I sat in the silent company of more than fifty strangers and our ten days began. Every 24 hours was filled with both the mental chaos of a hurricane and the calm of a still lake. My moods swung back and forth like a pendulum, rhythmically, from one extreme to the other. There were moments of deep peace and connectedness and excruciating moments of the opposite.

Were we prepared to commit to the full ten days, promising not to leave before they were through? Were we of stable mental health? Were we committed to giving Vipassana the full chance to do its work? Were we willing to give up all other practices for the duration of the ten days— speaking, journaling, and spiritual practices like By the fifth day, everyone looked exhausted. reiki—and even the physical practice of yoga? Some people were teary eyed. A few others, despite our verbal commitments, had left the At this point in my life I had been practicing centre. yoga every day—sometimes twice a day—and as a yoga teacher, I felt this pressure to be better The meaning of the word Vipassana is ‘to see and stronger than my students. Otherwise, why things as they really are’. In large part, this means would they want to come to me to learn? the realisation that all things in life—from the most insignificant to our most precious— I knew I was flexible, but I didn't always are impermanent. The incoming breath. The have strength—and it sometimes outgoing breath. A continuous expansion and seemed that the more I wanted it, the collapse in our tiny universe that moves us farther I felt I had to go before I reached seamlessly from one changing moment to the the place I felt would make me enough. next. One pose in particular I had been working on was a tripod headstand, and I had been making my way towards this slowly but was still unable to practice it without a wall as support. So after arriving in Java to sit for meditation and learning there would be no opportunity to practice— even alone in my room—I was disappointed. I worried I would lose the progress I had worked so hard for. But I surrendered. For some reason the universe had led me here. For some reason the airline had seated the German man on the plane next to me. And for some reason, despite

I experienced moments of slipping into the space of something inexplicable—a forgetting of who you were and becoming, for a tiny moment, one small part in the web of something infinitely greater. I felt periods of suffocating sadness and disconnection, a resistance to the idea that everything I now saw as reality would one day come to pass. In some ways, it was the intensity of my experience here that led me to become a hypnotherapist—that led me in search of a way to untangle the coils of thoughts that had restricted me in my own life.

Limitless

-ette

Limitless

A surprising thing happened when Vipassana finally ended. For the first time, on my very first yoga practice post silence, I made my way towards the pose I had struggled with so much. And on this day— after ten days of silent peace and turmoil—I created a triangle with my head at the top and the palms of my hands as the base. My knees lifted to the shelf I created with my elbows and I paused there before lifting my legs up into the air. This time, my body supported the weight. I could feel it—there was strength in me that hadn't been there ten days ago. But how was that possible? All I'd done was sit on the floor with my eyes closed. In the midst of surrender, an inner strength appeared. ■ Kate Cameron www.seekingsundara.com

-ette

AN Y J OB S OU T THE R E F OR M E?

As someone with a solid record of emotional resilience, I did not anticipate how much the job hunting process would bruise my mental health.

Limitless

lthough the national rate of unemployment has been on a fairly steady downward trajectory since late 2011, it remains a crippling issue for the 1.38 million Brits who have not yet escaped its grasp. When I returned from a seven month-long backpacking trip through Asia and Australia, I quickly became part of this statistic. The last remnants of my savings now existed in the form of a loosely rolled up selection of foreign currency, amounting to a grand total of five pounds and thirty-two pence. Aimless and in debt, I settled in for the job hunt.

-ette

As someone with a solid record of emotional resilience, I did not anticipate the extent to which this process would bruise my mental health. Naivety spawned optimism, which served me well, for a while.

Optimism soon turned to frustration, however, as the countless hours I had dedicated to tailoring my CV and rewriting cover letters led me nowhere. Frustration became guilt, which became frustration once more, and so on, and so forth. At home with my father, a simmering tension slowly hit boiling point, exacerbated by our newfound proximity to one another: the result of his retirement and my unemployment falling into alignment. One by one, the friends that had never been more than a twenty minute walk away began to pack up and move out. They belong to Brighton, Bristol, and London now. I was incredibly fortunate to be able to return to my childhood home after graduating from university, but I cannot deny the sense of isolation that ensued as I realised that all fondness I felt for my hometown was rooted in the friendships that had existed there. Loneliness gradually emerged as my only companion, and loneliness is fundamentally unkind to the mind.

It took a little while for me to fully recognise that I was experiencing loneliness. As an introvert, I have always found contentment in my own company. I have no doubt that social media helped to fabricate a distorted sense of togetherness; a comfort blanket of sorts, which blurred the lines between inclusivity and detachment. Navigating reality in the digital age has also proved burdensome, owing largely to the rise of influencer culture that permeates the online sphere.

Limitless

In an article recently published by Forbes, it is claimed that the top ten highest earning YouTube stars raked in a joint total of $180.5 million in the past year alone. The platformâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s top earner, with an income of $22 million, is a seven-year-old boy. In second place sits one of YouTubeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s most controversial content creators, Jake Paul, who, at the tender age of twenty-one, earned a staggering $21.5 million. Success suddenly appears so accessible, as an everincreasing torrent of attractive young men and women sporting expensive jewellery and Gucci loafers inundate our timelines and subscription feeds. Although I try to remain acutely aware of the deception and idealism at play on social media, the subconscious is woefully absorbent, and somewhere, buried deep, is the inescapable feeling that, at twenty-three, I too should be attaining that level of success. As the months passed, I felt myself sink into hopelessness. My failure to secure a graduate job coupled with this strange seclusion and the looming shadow of my unpaid overdraft had become a plague on my mental health, culminating in a somewhat public breakdown in the middle of a pub on a busy Friday evening. What began as a pragmatic conversation about my circumstances ended in a stream of tears as the frustration, despondency, and fatalism that I felt so tightly shackled to suddenly overwhelmed my senses. Four months of inner turmoil now manifested itself in this outpour, and the catharsis that followed was a welcome surprise. It provided the clarity I needed to make some active changes to my lifestyle and reinstated a level of control over an otherwise turbulent situation. One of the simplest yet most significant additions to my daily routine, or lack thereof, has been walking. Exercise as therapy is a concept so frequently thrust upon anyone suffering with mental health 23

-ette

issues that it can often feel perfunctory and In the midst of my dejection, I thoroughly appreciated the extent insincere, but I found it unexpectedly effective to which these thought-provoking not only for the subtle release of endorphins, but for its contribution to breaking down the barriers conversations bridged the gap between myself and others, and allowed for that I had created for myself while job hunting. reflection. The comfort of solitude that I so ordinarily enjoyed was, by this point, self sabotage. I was confining myself to my bedroom, churning out Where music fades into the periphery, podcasts keep the mind stimulated. For me, their impact job applications and wallowing in self-pity. cannot be understated. They rescued me from Forcing myself to get dressed and leave tedium and injected a healthy dose of inspiration.

the house was pivotal in re-establishing a connection to the world beyond my window, and, above all, it offered me respite.

For the thirty minutes or hour that I was out walking, I allowed myself to rekindle my natural curiosity and fully digest my surroundings whilst a suitably emotive Spotify playlist provided the perfect soundtrack to my reawakening. Music is compelling. Its healing powers are well documented. In recent months, however, I have also heavily gravitated towards podcasts. It has been almost a year since I was introduced to the world of podcasts, and in retrospect it’s hard to comprehend how I went so long without them. It seems that I am not alone in this revolutionary discovery, as the arena is progressively becoming condensed with new series. In general, I relish podcasts that examine current affairs and pop culture, explore the arts, or discuss the speaker’s personal narrative. These shows are not only educational and entertaining, but also typically present a glimpse into a stranger’s reality—their vulnerabilities, triumphs, and quirks included.

Almost five months have passed since this regrettable chapter of my life began, and while I still haven’t landed the graduate job that I had hoped for, I am now working part-time in a local café and am finally beginning to repay my debts. This in itself has alleviated an immense amount of pressure and has silenced my most urgent concerns. In a magnificent display of sheer luck, I have also secured a placement on a work experience programme in London, and am somewhat sheepishly pursuing my passion for writing. Objectively, my experience with unemployment has not been disastrous. Many people, through no fault of their own, are less fortunate. It can be catastrophic if you have families to provide for and bills to pay. Nevertheless, unemployment retains a universal toxicity and the ensuing depression does not discriminate. Perseverance may seem an impossible venture, but it is your closest ally. In the meantime, it is imperative that we identify our own remedies and summon the energy to implement them, or seek help if all else fails. We can do this. ■ Georgia Tendall

Limitless

Somehow, in the immediate aftermath of this moment at the pub, I gripped my burgeoning depression by the hand and marched it to the door.

-ette

I S IT TI M E F OR A N EW J O B? Can you identify the signs and when it might be time to move onto pastures new?

Limitless

Support and career development

ometimes you find yourself starting to moan that little bit more than usual about something in your life. This is totally normal—healthy even. It doesn't necessarily mean that you are unhappy. But sometimes, this means something has become stale. The moaning has reason and relevance telling you to make a change.

You're at the stage you think you should be, and your job title reflects your responsibilities—great news. Now, how do you develop to the next stage? Have a plan in place with where you want to be next and how you can achieve this—what new skills do you need, what support will help you, what type of experience will be beneficial?

A common time this can happen is in your career. Your value and worth When you have been in a role for a number of years, things can become very ‘comfortable.’ That is not to say unchallenging, it is simply to say that You are doing a good job and those above you don’t recognise this. If you are starting out in you know where you stand. a new role, or with a new manager, give them When you wake up in the morning, you know some time. Hard work often pays off, resulting where you are going (generally speaking), who in reward and appreciation. But be wary of time! the people are going to be (maybe they’re even If you have been working above and beyond for your friends), and you’re confident in your ability a while now without any recognition, reward or and activities. You know your product, industry, benefit, it might be time to realise that things just service and company—you might even be an aren’t going to change. expert.

The feeling of dread on your way to work

This sounds great right? Well, sometimes, we are actually in danger of jeopardising our career progression, wider experience and even selfworth. So, how can you identify the signs and when it might be time to move onto pastures new?

This seems obvious but can sometimes be disregarded. If you are on your way and have negative feelings about your day already and what lies ahead, it's time to look a little closer. It is said that 90,000 hours are spent at work over a lifetime—that is far too many to spend unhappy.

Your role and responsibilities

Trickier still is when you love your job, but the first Do these reflect the work you're doing? If not, three factors come into play. At this time, it is a what are you doing proactively to make sure case of deciding: will I be appreciated elsewhere? objectives (business and personal) are in place And have I plateaued, needing a new challenge? for the next step to promotion? What evidence do you have to support your progression? Are This is a time of uncertainty, and change is hard, you receiving support from those mentoring but change is also good. It is refreshing, and it you, and are they looking into this? Take matters can bring amazing new opportunities. ■ into your own hands and be confident in your Gemma Mills own worth.

-ette

Packing up 32kg of your life into a suitcase and setting off for a brand new city all on your own can be one of the most daunting experiences of your lifeâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;but also one of the most defining. Whether itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s temporary or permanent, give up your home comforts and delve into new and unfamiliar waters.

Limitless

CO N Q U E R I N G A NEW CIT Y Tips for going it alone

hen I first moved to Los Angeles, I couldn’t quite believe the size of it. Did you know there are over 85 separate incorporated cities in LA, each about the size of my own sleepy hometown back in the UK? I thought it was just one city; how would I ever get my head around that? The trick is, don’t overthink it. Once you’ve got your base set up, you have to launch yourself in at the deep end. Get straight out there and explore the city on your own. It can be scary at first, but as long as you maintain some level of ‘street smarts’, there is nothing to fear—Google maps is your best friend.

Start small: set yourself little missions like finding the post office, going for a walk in the park or treating yourself to that $10 coffee you’ve been eyeing up on Instagram for months—yes, it really is that good, and yes it really is $10! Once you’ve gained some confidence navigating around, progress to taking the bus or the metro on your own to somewhere further away— somewhere you’ve never been before. Get used to spending the whole day exploring a new area, being spontaneous and enjoying what this new place has to offer. When journeys become more routine, i.e. commuting to work or university day in and day out, make sure you take the time to go back the scenic way when you can. This way you’ll get to know the area more fully and may discover that hidden gem of a coffee shop which 29

sells lattes for less than $10! Rely on yourself and know that you can rely on yourself.

Learn to enjoy your own company Moving somewhere new on your own is a huge personal milestone. It’s worth realising that you don’t need to make friends right away. Take that pressure away, especially while you’re still getting used to being in a new place combatting cultureshock and looking after yourself. I’ve heard so many people say to me (RE: university) that you make your lifelong friends in freshers week or not at all. Let me tell you, this is about as true as the earth being flat. In the meantime, start enjoying your own company. If you want to go see that new movie, but you don’t have anyone to go with, take your new best friend (you). You are great company, there’s nobody to please, nobody to wait around for—only maximum time to do what you came here to do. Don’t worry if you don’t make friends immediately. If you feel lonely, combat that loneliness with music, radio, podcasts and reruns of home improvement TV series on repeat in the background. I met a lot of people when I was studying from all over the world, but I can honestly say that I will probably only stay in touch with one. Invest your time with the people that are going to be your life-friends, you don’t have to go to every

-ette

social event and be the big name on campus. Be do you want to see, which museums do you yourself, people will love you. want to visit? Go through a travel book and make a list so you’re never at a loss for things Take up a hobby to do. This is a great way of making the most of your time while you’re there. The single best way to meet like-minded people and form more meaningful friendships is doing Seize every opportunity, personal and something you’re passionate about. Take up a professional. hobby, find something you can add into your routine to make you happy. Yoga classes are When I was studying at UCLA, I was given the a great way to bring positivity into your day opportunity (to my complete shock) to intern at and also a great way to meet people who are a law firm for one of the most amazing female guaranteed to not be in a bad mood at the end of lawyers I’ve ever met. She was a complete a class. When I was doing my Masters, I opted to inspiration to me and I was over the moon to be take a Music Industry night class one day a week. offered. However, and there’s always a however, Not only did I learn a lot that was useful for my this meant taking four days out of my alreadycareer, but I met loads of interesting, creative busy UCLA law schedule to work long—very people who loved music as much as I do. From long days—in Hollywood for no money. I don’t there, whenever I saw a gig I wanted to go to, I regret a thing. It taught me, above all, what had a list of people to ask. I met lovely, genuine it’s like to work in an American firm—which people to whom I could talk endlessly about all the university fees in the world can’t buy. I music, living in LA and everything in between. realised that I'm capable of more than I thought I was. Push your boundaries, say yes to every Tidy house, tidy mind opportunity and you’ll be amazed at what can happen. Did you know untidiness and clutter can lead to greater levels of anxiety and depression? Immerse yourself in the culture The stress of moving to a new city is enough to cope with as it is, so why make things worse for This might be an obvious one, but I think it’s yourself when you get through the front door? important when you move to a new city to One of the best things I can recommend is to embrace the culture however you can. You’re take the time to make your house your haven. there for a reason, you chose this place, so make Make it somewhere you want to return to every the most of it by allowing yourself to discover day. Keep it clean and tidy but make it your own, new things and become more educated about even if you’re only going to be there temporarily. the culture there. And get used to people saying, It doesn’t have to cost the world, but treat yourself ‘Oh you have an accent!’Moving to sunny to a couple of candles here and there, put up lots California, which although granted was not of photos of friends and family, and buy yourself entirely a ‘culture shock’, still required me to learn about the different customs over there a house plant. and overcome some of my well-entrenched Make a bucket list British mindset. One that took me a long time to get used to was the tipping-culture, 20 percent if Think about things you want to do while you its ‘Bad Service’ - absolutely mental! 35 percent are here, however big or small. Which areas if it’s good! Don’t expect to be saving any money 30

Limitless

-ette

Limitless

any time soon. Try to make small changes to help this adjustment. Watch whatever TV shows are well-loved over there, listen to local radio, watch the local news every morning. You may learn something!

Look after yourself Nothing is more important than looking after your own mental and physical health at this time of your life. Eat right, sleep well, and seek help if you need it. Spend time preparing food and embrace that meal for one!

Ditch any expectations There’s just no point expecting anything: this experience will be different for everyone.

Hold on to you Moving somewhere new can be the most lifechanging and amazing thing you will ever do, but avoid the cliché of ‘finding yourself ’ at all costs. Hold on to who you are and build on this with new experiences and a broader perspective. Courage is only needed when there is fear, anxiety and uncertainty otherwise it wouldn’t be needed, but these are the emotions which cause vulnerability, so accept them as part of the process. Grow from them into the strong, positive and awesome person you are. ■ Fiona Sharland

-ette

TR AV E LLI N G WI T H C SY ND R OM E I S A B S O

My travels have reminded me that I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have

Limitless

C H RON IC FAT I GU E OLUT E LY P OS S I B LE

e to give everything up, just because Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m sick.

-ette

ast week I took a night bus for the first time since I got sick. I have always hated night bus journeys but, being cheap, they’re a necessary evil. I realised last week, however, that such journeys are just too costly right now—in energy terms. Four hours into the journey, I started to feel the tiredness and pain that only someone who has suffered chronic fatigue syndrome/myalgic encephalomyelitis (CFS/ME) or a similar disease can understand—and that exhaustion doesn’t go away for several days.

But I still don’t feel crazy for doing it. At least, not most of the time! My travels have reminded me that I don’t have to give everything up, just because I’m sick. My attitude has completely changed: instead of dwelling on what I can’t do, and becoming depressed and anxious, I now look at things differently. This means actively enjoying every moment of being able to travel; and facing, embracing, and learning from each new challenge.

Lying awake, feeling sorry for myself, I Perhaps the greatest challenge for any solo started thinking about what I was doing: traveler—sick or otherwise—is creating and solo travelling with CFS/ME. maintaining new relationships. When travelling, It sounds bonkers, given how ill I was last year. I needed people around to look after me and cook for me most days, because I was too tired— sometimes I was even too tired to leave my bed and go to the toilet. This all changed last October when I spent a month travelling in Malaysia. I was way too sick to go, but a friend booked the flights, and I somehow dragged myself out there. After recovering from the flights, however, I found my symptoms were dramatically reduced—and for that month, I could do things in the day and still go out at night! Perhaps naively, I assumed the warm weather and beaches were my cure and back home, in the cold—inspired by my unexpectedly improved health—I made a snap decision to spend six months in the sun and sea, and totally kick CFS/ ME. But CFS isn’t like that and, unsurprisingly, my magical cure didn’t work! I’m still sick, but instead of being at home with friends and family, I am travelling solo on the other side of the world. It does sound bonkers!

particularly as a young person, there is an expectation you will be on the go all the time; trekking, in bars, or maybe doing casual work. Consequently, these are easy places to meet people. However, with CFS/ME, these are things I absolutely cannot do—but missing out on these opportunities makes it hard to form friendships.

In normal life, relationships take time to develop, but travellers tend to bond more quickly, over a shared experience or a drink. For this reason, I realised to meet new people without overexerting myself, I needed to create that chance moment on my own terms. For me, this means travelling with a slackline and a flute. Publicly slinging my slackline between two trees feels a lot like performing a mating dance rather than looking for friends, but in Malaysia, I began slacklining on the beach, and quickly made such good new friends that I ended up living in their house for the next month! Other people have approached me while I was playing my flute on the street. I started giving impromptu flute lessons—and being taught how to beatbox! Such

Limitless

-ette

things are doable on good health days, and have I want people to know that part of me. I want enabled me to meet likeminded people and share people to respect my needs and understand me, new skills—without over-exerting myself. instead of judging me when I can’t join in. As with any invisible illness, superficially, you appear Having made friends, however, the next healthy… and then, suddenly, you need to rest. challenge appeared. Suddenly, I was included in It’s easy for people to doubt your validity—and all their plans: waking up for sunrise, cycling to the fear of appearing whiney makes it difficult to the beach, surfing, and then heading to endless know when or how to tell people. Often, I leave parties at night. And although I really wanted it until I am very sick—and then wish I had said to join in, I couldn’t manage it. So I lay in bed, something before. consumed with a mixture of anger at my body and an intense fear of missing out (FOMO). My But travelling is so much about meeting new response was to take strong painkillers, drink people and I constantly have to ‘come out’. too much coffee and too much alcohol. That way While this is tiring, it has taught me a lot about I could stop feeling my body and could carry on communicating honestly and openly. I have like everyone else. often felt a certain shame attached to my illness; but the more people I talk to about it, the more But in the end, ignoring my body caught I am working through that shame, and learning up with me and made me sicker. to accept my sickness. Travelling also allows me to surround myself with supportive people— So, now, I am conscious to not over-exert myself. and even with other people living with chronic I have tried to come to terms with the fact I will illness. I have met several other sufferers of miss out on things—just as I have to at home. But chronic illnesses lucky enough not to be bedhealthy people miss out too: there is always more bound. They, too, often see travelling as a way to do in each place than the amount of time you of avoiding some of the exclusions of everyday have to spend there. You just have to realise you life for those with a disability. When travelling can’t do everything—and sometimes that sucks. the cost of living can be very cheap, without Some days feel harder than others, but instead the standard stress of working a job, so you can of focusing on what I’m missing, I now try to support yourself on very little. focus on the good experiences I have enjoyed. All these people, and the need to be My answer to FOMO is not to fight it, but to honest and take charge of my own deal with it. It’s okay to feel bad sometimes, but I do not let it overwhelm me—I’m still lying on a health and mindset, have really helped me—not only to understand the beach with a fresh coconut in my hand, after all! For me, FOMO is not just missing out on experiences, but also losing chances to deepen friendships. Therefore, at some point I have to drop the line and explain that I am ill. Telling people you have CFS/ME is never easy; most people only have a vague idea what it is, and sometimes it feels almost like coming out. But CFS/ME is a fundamental part of who I am, and

physicality of ME/CFS, but also to communicate this understanding to others!

This is a vital lesson to take home to normal life, where communication is perhaps even more important, and relationships are generally less transient.

Limitless

What it comes down to in the end is that I am sick and may never get well again, and I have to deal with that—even if I won’t settle for it! But I could deal with it at home or I can deal with it abroad. And as my intention before I got sick was to travel, I would rather be sick abroad where I can still partially live my dreams. Travelling has given me back my sense of purpose. I’m finally able to feel like I’m achieving something instead of waiting around to get better and begin my life. This has given me a newfound positivity. For many sufferers of ME/CFS, travelling is simply not an option; nor was it for me, only months ago. But it has changed a lot for me. So although sun, sea and travelling might not be my miracle cure, it is definitely the closest I’ve come to finding one for now! ■ Kathryn Stone

-ette

R E L AT I O N S H I P S Fancy contributing to our upcoming edition? Who's the most influential person in your life? Is your sister your best friend? Is your cat your must trusted confidante? Did you get married young? Or later in life? Do you believe in soul mates? Who would be your ideal road trip buddy? Who's your partner in crime? What's your best piece of relationship advice? Do you have a cautionary tale to share? The January edition of the -ette magazine focuses on our nearest and dearest. We're looking at all the different relationships in our lives from family to colleagues, from romantic pairings to business partnerships. Tell us all about your family and how close (or not!) you are; tell us your opinions on sibling rivalry, on marriage and what makes a great friend; share your dating experiences in the 21st century and your best or worst dates; tell us everything about your four-legged friends. If you've got a story to tell, we want to hear it! Get in touch on Facebook, Instagram, through our website or via email and tell us your stories. â&#x2013; H

Limitless

-ette

HOW DO YO U D O I T?

The world turned upside down in the Irving household when Mr I was diagnosed with cancer.

Limitless

Lots of people ask me these days, how do you do it? Well, that depends on what you mean... how do I do what? Get up in the morning, do my shopping, clean my house or survive life in general? I know what theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re really asking.

-ette

hen we got married, nearly 18 years ago, Mr I and I made some promises like for richer or for poorer—which was a bit of a mistake from his side as he didn't know quite how much I can spend but that’s a minor detail. The other promise was to support each other in sickness and in health, and you know what? When you make that promise you think they mean sickness like man flu—which is hard enough to survive as a wife—but not like this type of sickness...

take care leave on the days after the chemo to look after my family. Not so much to look after Mr I, as he was pretty capable of looking after himself on those days: he just slept, puked, slept or slept on the sofa... did I mention he slept a lot?

All I really did was change sheets, clean bathrooms and ensure he didn’t dehydrate—in itself, quite a job. This whole ‘care leave’ thing is pretty good, and it saves you taking actual leave days from work, so you can use those to go to The world turned upside down in a real beach resort instead. But there’s one thing the Irving household when Mr I was the outside world doesn’t really understand: if I diagnosed with cancer. tell anybody I won’t be in work for a few days, it automatically gets seen as holiday. Let me tell Before that day we sort of got on with work and you now, it is certainly not holiday—have you family life, we bickered over some small stuff ever had to tell your man to stay hydrated after and we tried to be fun parents to our three boys. puking on holiday? Fast forward to now and we have been on a rollercoaster ride you would pay good money for Not only this, but I was looking after the boys, had it been in a theme park. Unfortunately, it’s who needed feeding at regular intervals. Mr not, unless you consider an oncology department I was a very hands-on father, running the a fun place to be—don't get me wrong we did household with military precision when I was have a right laugh sometimes but other than away, but now the boys have turned into hungry that it was pretty depressing in there and they teenagers, they tend to lose it if there is no food certainly don’t sell churros. in the house. Cue daily trips to the supermarket, and endless cooking—while my boys are pretty In the United Kingdom, we have this thing self-sufficient, I liked to think they needed me called ‘care leave’—pretty handy if the world during chemo week. turns upside down at home and you are needed. Usually, this means waiting hand on foot with So next time anyone says, ‘oh, this week I have a few days of care leave’, please drinks, medication, food and cuddles—and that's don’t tell them to have fun. only for poorly children. I took care leave a few years ago when my son, Luca, had appendicitis and he was admitted to hospital but other than When Mr I was diagnosed and we started this that I always had my parents as back up in case journey (such a stupid word by the way, it’s not of illness or minor cuts and bruises in the Irving like we went on this amazing trip or anything), household. This meant that Mr I and I could just we hoped the end of the road would be years go to work. However, after 12 months trying to away, and he started by fighting like a real SAS schedule chemo and consultant appointments trooper. When we were told treatment was no with my work schedule, I made the decision to longer possible, I got a little angry, to say the 44

Limitless

We have been on a rollercoaster ride you would pay good money for in a theme park. Unfortunately, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not, unless you consider an oncology ward a fun place to be.

-ette

least. It’s weird the stuff you do and say or not say hospital bed and what would happen if we broke when you know the inevitable is coming. There’s it though. no manual on how to spend your last weeks with the man of your dreams. Those last four weeks were a complete blur and I asked myself, what do we do now? Unfortunately, Then, you have to deal with friends and family. I can’t seem to find an answer anywhere just yet. First thing is telling them what’s going on: that’s I’m not sure if the fact Mr I has left us has even when the circus starts. Suddenly, everyone wants sunk in yet. I look at that door every day and to come and see you and your phone goes mental wonder when he’s coming home; I look at my with messages from people thinking about phone and think when is he going to call me? you—don’t get upset if I don’t message or answer straight away. Life is a blur right now, and I don’t Days are tough, but nights are worse. When you even know what day of the week it is. But the have been together for so long, you have your most surreal thing? Having the funeral director routines: you come home from work, you cook, discuss arrangements while Mr I is sitting you clean, you put the kids to bed, and then across from you on the sofa, alive and kicking. you chill out together. We enjoyed each other’s It’s entirely bizarre, but it was good to discuss company. We had this thing going each night: I together and spare me worrying about making would complain over something stupid like dirty the wrong choices. socks, water marks in the sink, or a toilet seat that was left up, and Mr I was able to turn it around During all of this, I watched my once and have us laughing so hard it became silly. He strong husband turning into a really sick may have been stubborn, and stuck to his guns man: it was hard for me, and I can only on many occasions, but even that I miss.

imagine what it must have been like for him.

In mid-November, I put up the Christmas tree. If anyone loved Christmas, it was Mr I. The afternoon was filled with carols blaring out the speakers and me struggling with the tree lights; we even managed to have our annual Christmas argument, as Mr I knew better on how to swap the electrical plugs in the wall. When all was done, we snuggled on the sofa and pretended nothing was wrong; it was just a Sunday afternoon in December. That same day, a bed was delivered and Mr I slept downstairs from then on. I knew that morning he would never sleep next to me in our bed upstairs again, nor would I see him run up those stairs to quickly get something. It was hard, and a massive slap of reality to the face. We did have a giggle thinking of sleeping in the

Now, I don’t work as I can’t concentrate and not cry at any given moment: not the most professional. I don’t cook because this was mostly Mr I’s department. I still put the kids to bed, and I still chill on the sofa, but for some reason, watching rubbish telly on your own is no fun— there’s no one to laugh with—and then you go to bed on your own.

So what do we do now? There’s no manual on how to grieve, no manual on how to continue without him, no manual on how to comfort my boys when they are sad, no manual stating when you should work again, and no manual on how to deal with the paperwork afterwards.

Limitless

-ette

I am very lucky: I have the most amazing parents who live a stoneâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s throw away and who come to the rescue on many occasions; I have the best employer ever who does not push me to come back to work; I have the most remarkable friends who check up on me every day, send me messages, drop in for coffee and give endless hugs; I have my boys who ensure I have a cup of tea in the afternoon. Without all of you, I would be lost even more and you all keep me going. Mr I would be proud of our boys: the way they try to pick up at school and the way they are excited for Christmas morning.

I know people say it will get easier as time goes by and that he will never be forgotten. So back to how do I survive? I simply don't know. I just do what I need to do, hoping that one day I will wake up and realise it was all a bad dream. I do struggle with it all, but sometimes putting on a brave face is the perfect form of self-protection. I wish you all a lovely Christmas and a happy, healthy 2019*. Hold each other tight today, tomorrow and always.

Christmas this year will be strange with an Mrs I â&#x2013; empty seat at the head of the table, and no lunch preparation from Mr I. We will try to make it a Esther Irving day to remember just like we did every single * Originally released December 2017 year.

Limitless

-ette

L ITE R AC Y I S A V I TA L COMP ON E N T O F EMP OW E R M E N T Literacy benefits individuals, families, communities and nations with literacy skills fundamental to personal empowermentâ&#x20AC;&#x201D; especially for women.

Limitless

Malala Yousafzai shook the world. On 9 October 2012, Malala was shot by a Taliban gunman in an assassination attempt in retaliation for her activism—she was exercising her right to go to school. The attempt on her life sparked the international denunciation of the Taliban by governments, human rights organisations and feminist groups; 50 leading Muslim clerics in Pakistan issued a fatwa against those who tried to kill her. Malala survived and became one of the loudest voices calling for the right to education: ‘invest in books, not bullets.’

their education. Domestic responsibilities, along with new roles as wives and mothers, see girls leaving school with the bare basics of literacy. Yes, this improves literacy rates around the world, but it compounds the problem of illiteracy among women falling through the gaps. Marriage almost always results in the end of a girl’s schooling; with children, they lack the time and freedom to attend classes regularly, impacting the quality of their education. In many cases, the simple need to be contributing to the family’s income sees girls pulled out of school. Improving women’s education requires far more than sitting them down in a classroom; social change is imperative.

We tend to take education for granted in the 21st century. This is why Malala grabbed our attention: her desire for an By sending a girl to school, the right to education education was enough to warrant her is perpetuated; she is far more likely to ensure death. her children also receive an education. It is

her continued education that must now be prioritised, improving her social, economic and political integration, and contributing to her individual empowerment. Equal opportunities in education and the acquisition of the necessary basic skills to live a comfortable life guarantees stability and prosperity.

Worldwide, there are 473 million women who can’t read. They are disadvantaged economically and socially with limited access to education, jobs and healthcare—while their literate counterparts are more likely to send their children to school, have better maternal health, make better healthcare decisions for their children, and economically improve their communities. More than any other factor, a mother’s literacy is the greatest influence on her child’s future academic success.

‘If we educate a boy, we educate one person. If we educate a girl, we educate a family—and a whole nation.’ Yet illiteracy is not exclusive to developing nations. National and international surveys show there are considerable numbers of illiterate adults in developed countries—75 million people in Europe do not have the basic skills they need to survive independently in today’s modern world. Levels of illiteracy vary according to sex, age, socio-economic background, residential areas, migratory

While illiteracy refers to the inability to read, low literacy skills are just as much a threat to a woman’s independence and safety. For example, literacy and numeracy are necessary for financial literacy, without which a woman cannot achieve financial independence. Although global data shows more and more children are going to school, it fails to assess how many are finishing

-ette

status and ethnicity—and these levels are persistent. The discrepancy between the perceived literacy rates of almost 100 percent and the existing illiterate population stems from the taboo status of illiteracy in developed countries, where compulsory basic education has been a reality for decades. Here, it is shameful and stigmatising to be illiterate—people affected rarely show or discuss their illiteracy. How then, can the issue be identified and a solution sought? Migratory status in Europe is also a key player in the lower levels of literacy seen here. Access to education is rarely a concern in assessments of the damage inflicted by conflict—attention focuses on access to food and healthcare rather than the hidden and lasting legacies of the violence. Conflict and war continue to destroy school infrastructure and the ambitions of whole generations of children. 50 percent of the children denied an education live in conflict-stricken areas, with girls the worst affected; that’s 11 million girls. In refugee camps, schooling also takes a backseat and children can spend years without any education at all. The majority of refugees flee to neighbouring developing countries, whose education systems are already weak and lack the capacity to support new populations. With humanitarian crises escalating around the world, generations of children are at risk of a lifetime of disadvantage.

Everyone has the right to education and literacy is implicit in this right. This is universally acknowledged. It is also universally acknowledged that literacy benefits individuals, families, communities and nations with literacy skills fundamental to personal empowerment—especially for women. Promote the right to literacy and help women around the world reach their full, limitless potential by supporting organisations reaching at-risk populations including the International Literacy Association, ProLiteracy, Save the Children and the World Literacy Foundation. ■ 52

Limitless

Donate to the International Literacy Association, ProLiteracy, Save the Children and the World Literacy Foundation to support girls in education worldwide.

IF NOT N OW, W H E N?

#limitless

-ette

H Y P H E N E T T E . C O M

Relationships JAN 19

SUBSCRIBE NOW FOR EARLY ACCESS H Y P H E N E T T E . C O M

-ette

The modern female journalism youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve been waiting for. For content enquiries: editor@hyphenette.com For advertising enquiries: gemma@hyphenette.com