Mentality by Hyphenette

-ette Mentality

OCT 18

H Y P H E N E T T E . C O M

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CONTENTS 08

Mental health is more than a meme

Stephanie Todd spotted a bright and cheery meme on one of her social feeds, telling her everything will be okay if she just keeps going. She discusses that while the technology may be new, the message—to quote someone else—is a tale as old as time. And it’s a message we’ve all heard many times before.

Positivity and productivity So that’s it. You’ve left the doctor’s office and after months (possibly even years) of speculating, you’ve been diagnosed with a mental health condition. But what now? Will the medication work? What about the side-effects? Where do I go from here? Who do I confide in? Let Aimee Went walk you through her two diagnoses and how you can help yourself answer all these questions and more.

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On the hunt for happiness

It seems as if everyone is fixated on the

search for wellbeing and happiness at the moment. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s probably one of the few things we all need in these turbulent Trump and bewildering Brexit times. But what is happy, and will we even know when we have found it?

06 Time to Change

38 Can a picture paint 1000 words?

18 What is self-care?

42 Embracing my anxiety

24 Introducing mindfulness

48 Finding control in epilepsy

26 The depression that wonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t go away

53 Looking after your mental health

34 Nothing lasts forever

54 A normal day

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f nothing else, mental health is humbling. It was humbling to get my own diagnosis, to realise I lacked the vocabulary to talk about my experiences, and to stand in front of you and ask you to do better than I could. Your responses flooded in. Article contributions are always profusely appreciated, but this? The resilience, eloquence, and positivity was overwhelming. Inspiring. Humbling. Imagine if ten years ago we’d done the same: made a plea on social media for people to share their mental health stories. We’d have been met with resounding silence for the most part. A diagnosis would have felt shameful—like failure— and need to be shuttered away; we’re fine, everything’s fine. Even in 2018, it can be scary to talk openly about it. This is why we’re proud to be able to share your stories and honoured to do so. We’re talking depression, anxiety, experiences in rehab and psych wards, and dealing with memory loss. We have advice on supporting yourself and the people you know, on mindfulness and positivity. Mental health problems don’t discriminate. Nor do they ostracise—not any more. To our contributors, thank you. To our readers, enjoy. ■

Jade Sterling Editor

‘Communicate, even when it’s uncomfortable or uneasy. One of the best ways to heal is simply getting it all out.’ ~ unknown

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IT’S T I M E TO C H A N GE Time to Change is a growing social movement working to change the way we all think and act about mental health problems. We've already reached millions of people and begun to improve attitudes and behaviour. Despite the progress we’ve made, we know that many people still don’t consider mental health relevant to them. They don’t believe mental health problems are likely to affect them or people they know.

enough, without having to deal with the shame and isolation that often comes with it. Since Time to Change started in 2007, we’ve reached millions of people across England and begun to improve attitudes and behaviour towards those of us with mental health problems. Our national surveys show the overall attitude trend between 2008 and 2016 was positive with a 9.6 percent change—that's an estimated 4.1m people with improved attitudes.

But the reality is that mental health can affect anyone. Statistically, 1 in 4 of us will fight a mental health problem in any given year. That’s why our work is so important. No one should have to fear being treated differently because of a mental health problem. The overwhelming majority of people with mental health problems report being misunderstood by family members, shunned and ignored by friends, work colleagues and health professionals, called names and much worse by neighbours.

Over the same time period we've seen fewer people experiencing discrimination, and when they do, it’s affecting fewer areas of their lives. A Time to Change commissioned survey of people accessing specialist mental health services showed that between 2008 and 2014 there was a 5.6 percent increase in those reporting no discrimination in any life area, such as relationships or work. Average levels of reported discrimination fell from 41.6 percent to 28.4 percent.

Stigma and discrimination prevent people from seeking help: this can delay treatment and impair recovery. It isolates people, excluding them from day-to-day activities and making it hard to build new relationships or sustain current ones. It can stop people getting This fall in discrimination is a great start, but or keeping jobs. there’s still a long way to go. That’s why it’s time Experiencing a mental health problem is hard to change. ■

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Time to Change exists to end the stigma and discrimination experienced by people with mental health problems.

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MENTA L H E A LT H: MO R E TH A N A M E M E There's a new message to share: it's okay to not be okay.

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And most of the time, fine is exactly what you will be.

bright and cheery meme caught my eye on one of my social feeds the other day. It was a picture of a beautiful sunrise and the text, in a scripted font, read ‘no matter what happens, keep moving forward.’ Good advice. Sounds easy, doesn’t it? As long as we keep in motion, everything will be okay.

It certainly seems this resilience is ingrained in us from birth. Particularly in Britain where we are self-proclaimed experts at being ‘fine’ and ‘just getting on with it’. It’s a badge of honour, something we’re often proud of. We can stiffAnd that’s when it struck me. The technology upper-lip our way through almost anything, or at might be new, but the message—to quote least that’s what we tell ourselves. someone else—is a tale as old as time. And it’s a message I’m sure we’ve all heard many times But this meme in particular made me wonder, while we’re all being taught it’s not good to stop, before. and it’s certainly not good to ‘self-pity’, does our When I was very young, I’d run fast. When I was ‘self-awareness’ go by the wayside too? While gently warned by my mother to be careful, I’d we’re all so busy putting on a brave face, could run faster and sometimes (usually showing off it be we might actually be doing ourselves more to my sister), I’d run too fast. Then I’d stumble, harm than good? inevitably fall and as my eyes shone with tears, my mum would pick me up, place a quick kiss We all have a mental health, just as we all have a on a bruised knee and the words ‘you’ll be fine’ physical health. Our brain is an organ after all, would more often than not follow. And of course, albeit the most complex one we have. I would be. Mental health is a normal part of our

everyday life and we all have our ups and downs.

When I was a little older, I caught the measles. For two long weeks, I was red and spotty, itchy and blotchy. I was kept off school and worst still, until I’d passed the ‘infectious’ period, I couldn’t see my friends. To understand how awful a prospect this was, I’m a child of the 80s. That’s before the internet was invented, before smart phones (basic mobile phones even!) and long before Facebook, WhatsApp and Snapchat had even been dreamt up. So to see my friends, I actually had to see them... IRL!

How we feel can vary from a good mental state and contented well-being to those difficult feelings and emotions, sometimes even progressing to moderate or severe mental health problems.

And while physical health and ailments may be far easier to spot, our mental health and the impact it can have on our day to day lives is being acknowledged now more than ever before. In fact, mental health—and poor mental health in Stuck indoors, I was under the all-seeing crinkled particular—is now considered no less important eye of my grandmother. Having lived through than physical health. two World Wars and a Nazi bombing, the measles certainly didn’t worry her. And neither did my We wouldn’t just ignore a lump, or bump, or younger self huffing and puffing about being ailment that stops us getting out of bed. When itchy, or bored, or missing my friends. ‘There’s I scraped my knee, I’d run to tell someone and always someone worse off than you’, she’d gently sometimes there’d be ointment and a plaster to stop any infection. When I caught measles, I’d be remind me. And of course there would be. given lotion and loose cotton jammies. Anything And so the message is the same isn’t it? Don’t stop, to make it more comfortable until I started to feel you’ll be fine. Don’t feel sorry for yourself, you’ll better. be fine. No matter what happens, keep moving So why do we more often than not treat our own forward.

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mental health any different—or worse, not treat it at all? I’m sure you’d agree that as a nation we ‘just get on with things’ and flat-out ignore those days when we don’t feel ‘right’. I know I do. And I firmly believe it’s simply because that’s how we’ve all been conditioned.

stress affects everyone differently, these common signs and symptoms are your body’s way of warning you that you’re not okay. It’s no coincidence that Mental Health Awareness Week 2018, hosted by the Mental Health Foundation, focused on stress. By tackling stress, we can go a long way to tackling mental health problems such as anxiety and depression, and, in some instances, self-harm and even suicidal thoughts. And it’s important to remember that just because you might be experiencing a period of poorer than usual mental health, it doesn’t mean you won’t get better or that you’ll likely be more susceptible to this in future. With help, most people recover and return to good health, just as you would from a bout of flu.

It comes naturally to not seek out someone to tell; to not reach out for advice, or ask what could make us feel more comfortable when the problem can’t be seen by the naked eye. We don’t want to admit our weaknesses or tell someone when we’re hurting. We’re often too embarrassed to confess something is wrong and because it’s not something we really do, we often simply don’t know where to start. It’s important to remember that no one is immune from experiencing mental health issues on some scale at some point in their life and even the most psychologically robust people can be affected given the right (or wrong) circumstances. It’s thought one in four of us experience a mental health problem at any given time, so maybe we all need to stop and consider that always moving forward isn’t the right approach after all.

But ‘just moving forward’ isn’t the answer. It’s important to stop and to recognise our own stress symptoms—and look out for those same signs in others. By taking time out to listen and talk, we can all help improve the UK's mental health. We can all help each other.

In the same way that a culmination of smaller In today’s fast-paced society, stress is often stresses add up to become overwhelming, so attributed as a major factor in triggering too can a culmination of small positive steps periods of poor health and yet it’s a natural be the answer to feeling okay. However we all reaction to many of the situations we face. have to start with one small thing first and It can be very easy to overlook stress at first, that’s recognising when we don’t feel okay, and and it often has a cumulative effect, with each not ignoring the warning signs our bodies give stressor tumbling on top of another—from us. By being more self-aware, and honest with an argument to financial worries, increased ourselves, we can recognise our own spells of workload, family problems or concerns over poor mental health and just as we would with loved ones. It can lead to feelings of constant a physical pain or illness, we can ask for help. worry or anxiety, feeling overwhelmed, According to the Mental Health Foundation, difficulty concentrating, mood swings, in the past year 74 percent of people admitted irritability and difficultly relaxing. Before you they have felt so stressed they have been know it, it builds to low self-esteem, changes overwhelmed or unable to cope. If you feel that in eating habits, difficulty sleeping, aches from you are struggling to manage on your own, it’s muscle tension, diarrhoea or constipation, important to remember that you’re not alone nausea, dizziness and even depression. While 10

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and just sharing a problem is often the first step to recovery. Talking to someone about how we’re feeling can help us deal much more easily with the times when we feel troubled. It might be someone we trust, or even our GP. We’d make an appointment if a physical issue affected us after a while after all, so our mental health shouldn’t be any different.

That’s what they’re there for: to help you get better. Taking a break, a change of scene or change of pace can help too. Eating better and drinking sensibly affects how we feel in ourselves, so a diet that’s good for our physical health is good for our mental health. Regular exercise can boost self-esteem and help us sleep, concentrate and look and feel better. Enjoying ourselves can help beat stress. Even when we don’t feel like it, doing things we’ve always enjoyed, an activity we’re good at or simply meeting up with friends can improve our mood. Have you ever been invited out somewhere, and you’ve not felt like going along? You’d rather go home but can’t get out of it, or don’t want to be rude but come the end of the night you’ve had a great time and are really glad you went? Beating stress isn’t always that easy and there’s no instant ‘cure’. We will all always face stress in our lives, same as we’ll always catch another cold. But looking after our mental health and building small positive things into our busy lifestyles can make us all healthier and happier. Recognising and responding to those times when we still do feel overwhelmed are what’s most important and that starts with not just moving forward. So I’m sorry to whoever made the lovely sunshine-y meme that caught my eye, but I’ve got a new message to share: it’s okay not to feel okay. And it’s okay to tell someone about it. ■ Stephanie Todd

POSITI V I T Y A N D P R OD U C T I V I T Y Taking your mental health diagnosis into your own hands

o that’s it. You’ve left the doctor’s office and after months (possibly even years) of speculating, you’ve been diagnosed with a mental health condition, likely with a fresh prescription in hand and a spell of therapy on the cards. Congratulations. That kind of conviction takes courage. I’m so proud of you. But what now? Will the medication work? What about the side-effects? Where do I go from here? Who do I confide in? This is how I felt when I was first diagnosed. I’ve had two separate diagnoses. One in 2013, for severe depression and anxiety, and the other only two months ago, where after suffering from severe mood swings I had the little-known disorder cyclothymia (the same malady that affects Stephen Fry) ascribed to me. Both times, these questions came to mind. But I grappled with this new mental reality very differently on each occasion. Five years ago, I wasn’t in a good place. I was the perfectionist with straight A grades trying to maintain that same academic success in a university I was convinced was way too elite for me. In response, I buried myself ever-deeper into my work—studying for ten hours a day for months on end in sheer determination to be the best in my year. I barely slept, hardly ate, and constantly

reprimanded myself for being ‘stupid’ and ‘useless’ every time I had the audacity to stop working—even for a minute. Consequently, I had to take two years out of my studies due to an even deeper (but not unexpected) dip in my mental health. Now, thankfully, I’m in a much better place, with a good—although definitely not top of the class (oh well!)—degree, a job I enjoy, and the most amazing support system a girl could ask for. Still, that second diagnosis rocked me. This time however, I was determined not to fall into the same patterns of thinking as before. That’s what brought me to writing this article. From the day I was diagnosed with cyclothymia I’ve been on a path of recovery—set by myself, for myself. I’ve employed techniques and adjusted my entire way of living and thinking in order to create the healthiest environment for my mental health possible. Now, therefore, I want to share these methods with you. I hope this proactive approach will also enable you not to just simply live with your disorder but to embrace it as a friend. More importantly however, these techniques are to help you to contain your disorder rather than, like the period after my first diagnosis, letting it sweep you off your feet completely.

Stand in front of the mirror and say your name and diagnosis: I am Aimee and I have cylothmia. Own it.

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Acceptance The most important step you can take is accepting your condition. Stand in front of the mirror and say your name and your diagnosis. I am Aimee and I have cyclothymia. Repeat it. Make the roof rafters shake! This is you, in the here and now, and it’s time to start loving yourself for it. Remember what Dumbledore said: fear of the name only increases fear of the thing itself. So you rock that anxiety, OCD, schizophrenia—here you are, with a misalignment of brain chemistry and boatload of anti-psychotics in your blood, but still strong, confident and capable. Even more so, I’d say. Trust me, you’ll begin to acknowledge what you can do despite your diagnosis rather than what you believe you can’t do because of it.

Learn about your condition Knowledge is power. Understand the ins and outs of your diagnosis. Not only will this add a sense of control but it will also make it easier to explain to others what you're suffering from, why you feel and act in certain ways and the best ways for them to respond and help. Make sure you look up the recommended therapeutic treatments for your condition— cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) are common examples—and learn to implement the techniques in your own life. There’s a wealth of self-help books out there specifically designed for individual conditions/treatments, as well as countless others that promote a more generalised mental well-being. I also like to read first-hand accounts of mental illness—it’s an excellent means of reminding yourself that others have struggled through the same troubles as you. Girl Interrupted, An Unquiet Mind, Prozac Nation, The Bell Jar—I’ve read them all.

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Figure out your triggers and coping mechanisms

Exercise

Sometimes I like to play therapist with myself. When my moods start to become turbulent I imagine myself in a psychiatrist’s office, sit myself down, and ask myself why I feel like that. What triggered it? How do I manage it in the future? I jot down these findings in the notes app in my phone so they’re there with me the next time I start to feel my condition cloud my judgement. It’s also important to analyse whether any of your current coping mechanisms are detrimental to your health. For example, a common behaviour for those with mental health conditions is to selfmedicate with drugs or alcohol, as well as selfharming. Aim to pick apart these devices and replace them with something healthier: Give Dry January a go; limit yourself to one glass of wine a week; write your feelings down and rip up the piece of paper into a thousand tiny pieces; take up kickboxing and channel your anger through that instead.

Oh, how we love to hate it! But it’s true what they say: exercise drastically helps your moods, releasing those feel-good endorphins into your brain as well as helping you work through whatever negative emotions you may be harbouring. And besides, nothing beats that feeling of accomplishment that comes after a monster sesh. Smash those PBs! Of course, there’s also a massive paradox— exercise will make me feel good but I don’t feel well enough to exercise. No problem, let’s take things slow: a ten minute jog. A walk around the block. Hell, five star-jumps if that’s all you can manage. I also recommend adding goals to your weekly gym session. Watch those five star-jumps turn into twenty or that ten minute jog become a half-marathon. Like I said, that sense of achievement can’t be beaten. And remember, diet is imperative too. Cut out the sugar, load up on the superfoods, and stay hydrated. A healthy body is a healthy mind after all.

Detoxify your surroundings

Perspective

Nothing is more valuable than your inner peace but a negative environment breeds a negative head space. Ensure that you have a good support network comprising those who will celebrate your achievements but also console you during your darkest days. If anyone doesn’t fit that criteria, ditch them. If you dread coming into work, find a new job. Of course, making these changes will likely harbour some additional pain and uncertainty but I assure you that while this is temporary, the end result will be revolutionary. Detoxifying also applies to your social media. Unfollow those accounts that make you feel bad about yourself (fitspiration blogs, anyone?) and replace them with others on positivity and perspective.

Leading on from this, it’s vital to employ a sense of perspective in your daily life. You will have your bad days—that’s inevitable. But remember this: healing is not a linear process. There’ll be times where you feel like you’ve taken a giant step back in your recovery. But gradually, you’ll begin to start taking baby steps forward until, hey presto, you’re further on than you were when you had your last down-spiral. A really excellent means of approaching each day is seeing it in terms of effort given, rather than concentrating on the number or nature of tasks completed. Make sure that every day, you give 100 percent. That 100 percent, however, is always relative to how your mental health is. So, one day, you may be suffering so terribly that you only managed to 15

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to be you—right down to the darkest, deepest crevices of your mind. Be honest with yourself and above all, speak to yourself with kindness, compassion, and forgiveness. Become your own best friend. At least once a month I aim to take myself out on a ‘date’—sometimes it’s as simple as a book and a hot chocolate at the local coffee shop, other times it’ll be a weekend away to a foreign city. Go on, you’ll be surprised by how freeing it is. And I’m never one to miss out on self-care Sundays. Cue the bubble bath, face-mask, and chilled out playlist. This is my Love yourself time and I’m going to love every minute of it— Finally, it’s all about the self-love. So, take diagnosis and all. Be your own power. ■ some time out; learn to love alone time. Aimee Went Explore your feelings and study what it means get out of bed, shower, and brush your teeth. Congratulations, you gave 100 percent! Others, you may deep-clean your entire house, exercise for two hours, do your weekly shop, and go on a date. Again, that’s 100 percent. You get the gist. The key here is not to beat yourself up for the lapses in your mental health. It happens, it’s fine. And you know what? Each day is a fresh start. So attack it with the same 100 percent mentality as you did yesterday. You've got this.

START LIVING THE WAY NATURE INTENDED. Do you or someone you love struggle with depression, anxiety, irregular sleep or lack of mental clarity?

CBD oil may provide the relief you have been looking for.

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WH AT I S SEL F-C A R E? While self-care can be picturesque and dreamy, there's more to it than candles and facemasks.

croll through your social media; what do you see? Wool socks on a fluffy duvet, manicured hands cradling a steaming mug of chai tea, candles and wine glasses teetering on the edge of a bath while a bath bomb fizzles away, intricately plated avocado on toast, a face mask slathered onto perfect skin. All examples of self-care, of taking a few moments (or hours!) to yourself after a stressful week. And yep, while self-care can be picturesque and dreamy, that’s not all there is to it. Self-care is simply taking care of yourself. It’s keeping yourself clean and fed as well as the more indulgent side of a glass of wine and a bubble bath. Self-care does not need to be Instagram-worthy; you do not need to feel the pressure to conform to standards of self-care. If you’re feeding yourself nutritious food, getting enough sleep, staying in touch with friends and family, and generally looking after yourself—that’s self-care! Self-care is brushing your teeth and changing your sheets; self-care is accepting help and admitting you need it; self-care is your weekly yoga class or daily coffee. It’s being kind to yourself, treating yourself with care and respect. It’s doing what you need to thrive. It’s essential for everyone—and especially important for those with any mental health concerns.

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Guilty pleasures only bring temporary relief. Focus on making the right choices for your health and wellbeing

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It’s much easier to buy a fancy candle and a face mask than it is to talk about what you’re dealing with; change your medication; or wash your hair. It’s much more romantic to treat yourself than it is to cook a balanced meal when all you want to do is curl up on the sofa after a long day’s work; but self-care isn’t always romantic, and it isn’t always Instagrammable. Self-care isn’t indulgent—it’s essential. We need to watch how we talk about self-care, because while words like ‘indulge’ and ‘treat’ can be harmless and apt, using them can make us feel like looking after ourselves is an indulgent treat—it ain’t. Self-care can be forcing yourself out of bed, brushing your teeth, stepping outside and dragging yourself to work. It can be doing a load of washing after a week of letting the clothes pile up in your bedroom corner. It can be stepping

into a doctor’s office to finally get that weird growth on your finger checked out. It can be cancelling a third night out in a row for an early bedtime. True self-care isn’t selfish—it’s part of leading a happy and healthy life. But it’s not easy. It can take real, conscious effort to make the choices that will contribute to your wellness, rather than just treating the symptoms of daily wear and tear. Look after yourself properly. Eat well and focus on nutrition but don’t deprive yourself; make time for friends and family but don’t feel obliged to do everything; get regular sleep and enjoy the odd lazy Sunday morning; shower, wash your hair and brush your teeth, and put on a face mask every once in a while. Make time for yourself and prioritise your wellbeing. That’s self-care. ■

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Uterine NOV 18

SUBSCRIBE NOW FOR EARLY ACCESS H Y P H E N E T T E . C O M

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B U D DY B OX: A H UG I N A B OX Here at The Blurt Foundation, we are huge believers in the value of self-care. Self-care is a hot topic at the moment, with an ever-growing number of blogs, articles, and social media posts extolling its virtues. Frustratingly, this prevalence means that self-care is often dismissed as indulgent, superficial, or, worst of all, selfish. Here at The Blurt Foundation, we are huge believers in the value of self-care. It’s not just a buzzword, and it’s definitely not selfish. We can’t stand the concept of self-care being diluted, and receiving an unfair backlash.

care isn’t selfish: it’s essential. We can’t do or be all the things we want to without taking care of ourselves. A car can’t keep driving forever without some kind of maintenance. We’re exactly the same.

We might be raring to go with self-care, but not know where to start, or not 100 percent certain what self-care even is. It doesn’t help that what counts as self-care differs—what helps one person, might leave another cold. On top of that, We believe that self-care is a recovery as we grow, change, and develop, our self-care tool, a preventative measure, and a tool needs to change too. Self-care is always a work in for growth. progress—but it is so worth the effort. At Blurt, we’ve published a number of blog posts on selfIt’s accessible to us all, and helps us to take care topics: find them here. responsibility for our own happiness. Self-care encompasses the actions we undertake to look Many of us only turn to self-care when life has after ourselves, physically, emotionally and knocked us to our knees. It helps us regain our mentally. It incorporates essential acts of care, strength, our sense of self, and re-calibrate. like eating and sleeping well, keeping ourselves Yet, cultivating a self-care practice can act as a clean, and drinking enough water. On top of that preventative measure against the harder times though, self-care is what nourishes us: the things or at least teach us about what works for us, and we do that comfort us, calm us, and make us feel what doesn’t, as we evolve and grow. good. We designed our BuddyBox to encourage and Self-care is far from easy. Making time to nurture inspire self-care. It’s a subscription box with ourselves can feel like an unnecessary effort. substance, designed to counter the pressures we We tell ourselves we don’t need it, and we don’t face in modern life. Packed full of thoughtful, deserve it. That it’s pointless and selfish. But self- mood-lifting treats, the BuddyBox comforts,

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In other words—it’s a hug in a box. delights and gives you that warm, ‘I’ve been affirming in-house maga-‘Zine’. cared for’ feeling inside. BuddyBox is available in full or ‘Lite’ size on a We select five thoughtful treats to pack inside rolling subscription, or as a one-off box. We each month’s uniquely themed box. All items also sell historical boxes via our BuddyBox On are full-sized, universal (suitable for any gender Demand service: excellent for those that don’t or age group) and carefully chosen to comfort, like surprises, or need a box straight away. You inspire or uplift. We also pop an exclusively can find out more about BuddyBox here. designed postcard inside each box, alongside our

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INTR O D U C I N G MIN DF U LN ES S Hot topic of the year, 'mindfulness' is described as 'the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something'.

espite studying psychology for three years, it wasn’t until I picked up What Are You Doing With Your Life? by J. Krishnamurti that I really developed an understanding of the importance of thought in every aspect of our lives.

As well as What Are You Doing With Your Life?, I would definitely recommend reading Sane New World by Ruby Wax—a funny and extremely useful guide to becoming the master, not the slave, of your mind.

Next time you find yourself struggling with negative vibes, encourage your mind to take a hypothetical step-back and simply take note of what it is you are actually feeling (sadness, anger, anxiety)—this has definitely helped me to see the bigger picture and ride out the negatives. Negative thoughts are not negative in themselves—it’s how we respond to them that is problematic. Don’t try to justify or solve, just acknowledge.

rather than coinciding with a schedule or a travel companion! It takes practice to enjoy your own company: try going to the cinema on your own, it is truly therapeutic—talking during films is just annoying anyway!

Simple exercises throughout the day, like Hot topic of the year, 'mindfulness' is described drawing your attention to the feeling of your as 'the quality or state of being conscious or back against the chair or your feet pressing aware of something'. into the floor, help to focus your mind and Of course we all have negative thoughts and only take two minutes. experiences, but a crucial aspect of being Especially in the past year I have really mindful is the simple acknowledgement and started to appreciate my own company, and acceptance of negative thoughts and feelings the importance of being comfortable with for what they are—just thoughts. Regularly yourself and loving yourself, particularly in directing your attention to your experiences the development of relationships with others. and emotions can allow for positive thoughts One of the ways I have immersed myself in and experiences to stamp out the negative my own company is travel. It is far easier to ones. book a getaway each free moment you have,

Set yourself a goal to practice even just a few moments of mindfulness each day. Then go to the cinema and book a weekend break by yourself before the end of the year. You can thank me later. ■ Emily Campbell

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T H E D E PR TH AT WO AW

I was 19 when I got my diagno sad or overwhelmed, by whic feeling depressed. I was just e I had no reason to be depressed. I was young and clever, with plenty of friends and a loving family, I had no money worries or anything going on; so why did I find myself curled up on the bathroom floor of the university flat I shared with two other people, door locked and blood seeping from my thighs, feeling nothing? I was just idly wondering how I’d get out of there without anyone seeing. When I was 14, I found myself struggling with the pressure of succeeding at school. Quite why GCSE exams felt so oppressive I’ll never know, but I felt the need to do better than anyone else. I was rolling a drawing pin back and forth on my desk when it occurred to me to brush the point against the back of my hand. A slight red line appeared. And then another. I never broke the skin and it didn’t really hurt—but it felt good. I don’t know what inspired me to do that, but that’s where it started. I now had an outlet for not feeling good enough. Once I’d put a name to the feeling, I found more things to pick apart. I wasn’t thin enough for starters, so I drew lines across my ribs—ten in a row, one above the other. The tops of my thighs bore the brunt of my inadequacies at school; my 26

RES SI O N ON’T GO AY

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osis. I don’t remember feeling ch I mean I don’t remember empty. Oh, and self-harming. stomach told the stories of any arguments I had with friends, family or boyfriend. I became a tapestry of my failings and I hid it well. I’m just glad I was never doing more than scratching; very few lines scarred from those days. I stopped for a year or so during my A-levels but I kept a pack of razors in my bedside table; tucked away, they brought a strange sense of comfort. If things slipped away from me again, I had a release. It’s frightening how easy it was to access them—I literally walked into the supermarket, plucked a pack off the shelf and the cashier didn’t even blink at me. I can’t have been more than 15. Somehow I knew I needed clean blades and never reused one—there was ritual in unwrapping a clean blade and then applying it to myself. I still didn’t feel depressed; I didn’t recognise the lack of feeling. I knew something was wrong, and I rationalised keeping it secret. If I told someone, I wouldn’t be allowed to go to university—I’d known I was a danger to myself but kept silent.

It had taken five years for my depression to take hold, insidiously winding its way into every facet of me. 27

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I stayed clean until February 2012, just before my 19th birthday. The emptiness had drained me completely; I had no motivation to do anything, let alone head into lecture halls and pretend to be normal. I had to feel something. I cut deeper than I ever had before, chasing any sensation I could, and that’s how I ended up on the bathroom floor. Those cuts have scarred.

While the emptiness and darkness had gone, the release self-harm gave me had turned into a form of punishment. My left arm is littered with scars; point to one and I can tell you exactly what I did and when to deserve it. At some point, I stopped—I realised someone would eventually find out, and that wouldn’t do. I then realised my smoking habit had become my new outlet.

I’m proud of myself for realising this wasn’t okay. I got myself up, stemmed the blood, slipped into my room and called my mum. I was home and in the doctor’s surgery the next day, with a name for my experience: depression. I omitted the gorier details but confessed the rest and walked out of there, script in hand. Citalopram and counselling were to be my saviours.

Life after university was busy. I met my husband, pursued three different careers, got engaged, bought a house, got married and moved abroad. I was happy, genuinely happy. During this time, I felt it coming back again. I felt the emptiness encroaching on me, I could feel my motivations sliding and my sleep patterns changing. This time, I recognised I needed help before it could get bad—I knew what I was facing. I’d been with my husband for a year when I turned to him and asked It’s been six years since that day. Am him to take me to the doctor—I knew what I I recovered? Oh no. That’s not to say was facing and I knew I wouldn’t get myself the help I needed without someone to hold I haven’t tried. me accountable. And that’s how I ended up on antidepressants again; Mirtazapine this The counselling turned out to be an time. unmitigated disaster—I walked out of my It felt ridiculous. It felt like failure. I was sixth session when the counsellor tried to get happy! I grappled with inadequacy again; I me to blame my mother—but the Citalopram clearly wasn’t good enough if I managed to got me through the rest of that year and the be depressed even while things were going next. I was well enough to venture on my well. I couldn’t believe anyone would want year abroad, facing four new cities and jobs to be with me, marry me, buy a house and in the space of 15 months, and was doing build a life with me if I was this useless. I still so well, I decided to come off the drugs struggle with these feelings—particularly while in St Petersburg. I tapered down over when I upset him—but my marriage is going that summer, and by the time I returned to strong so I must be okay. Would anyone have university for my final year, I was free. known my dress was covering self-harm And feeling great. I smashed that year. There were dark times, but what student didn’t feel the pressure of getting their degree? Degree got, I left university and dared to think I was recovered. I was lying to everyone, including myself.

scars when they saw me on my wedding day? Would anyone at work know I battle self-doubt and hating myself when I’m such a confident go-getter? I’ve never kept my depression a secret; if anyone asked or confided their own diagnosis with me, I’ve

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been honest and shared my own. The only thing I’ve never shared until now is my fear the depression will never go away. I switched from Mirtazapine to Sertraline when I found I could not lose any weight no matter what I did (600 calories a day for 30 days and I lost all of 3lbs? I don’t think so) and I was sleeping far too much. Sertraline is a much better match for me—I started to lose weight, I developed a far more normal sleeping pattern and I was feeling great mentally. I felt balanced. I’ve given up smoking and I don’t hurt myself in any way anymore; I barely even drink.

Recently, I've started to feel the darkness creeping on my peripheries. I know I need to go speak to my GP and possibly up my meds. It feels like another step away from being 'cured'. My journey isn’t towards recovery, whatever that is; my journey is towards being okay with my mental health and whatever that may mean for me. It’s towards taking my medication every day without feeling ashamed, it’s towards recognising the prescription helps me be me, and it’s towards keeping the depression at bay. Maybe one day it will go away, and maybe it never will. Either way, I’ll be okay. ■ Jade Sterling

But I’m not recovered. It was hard to realise I might never be.

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O N T HE H UN T F O R HAP PI N ES S How many of us are really sure what ‘happy’ is, and will we even know when we’ve found it?

t is a fact that people always find happiness in fairy tales because, at the end, ‘They all live happily ever after.’ But how many of us really believe that Beauty never had the tiniest argument with the Beast after they were married; or that Cinderella never had toothache, or period pains, or PMT, after she married Prince Charming; or that no-one they loved ever got angry or fell sick. Yet we are told, quite clearly, that they all lived happily ever after. So, perhaps they had a different idea of happiness back then. Or perhaps they felt that being alright most of the time was enough to justify the epithet ‘happy’. Or maybe there is more than one kind of happiness?

If you look in the thesaurus, that would appear to be true. There are innumerable words that mean ‘happy’: beaming, blissful, buoyant, carefree, cheerful, cheery, chirpy, chuffed, contented, delighted, ecstatic, elated, enraptured, euphoric, exhilarated, exuberant, flourishing, glad, glowing, goodhumoured, gratified, grinning, high-spirited, in a good mood, joking, jolly, joyful, lighthearted, merry, over the moon, overjoyed, pleased, radiant, rapturous, satisfied, smiling, sunny, thrilled, untroubled—are just a few of them. Some of them are short-lived and quite extreme emotions; others are longerterm, gentler feelings. But which is the one people are looking for?

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If social media is anything to go by, then we are all ecstatic and our lives are perfection all the time. We never argue, cry, smudge our make-up, or look awful in photographs—and the landscape is always unspoilt and aesthetically pleasing. Oh, wait! You photoshopped your acne spots, and cropped out the gas-works behind the hostel? And you’d just had a massive row with your boyfriend, hence the sunset selfie? And your ankles had been savaged by sand flies—so just a head and shoulders shot.

Maybe we should re-think social media happiness… It seems it is a sham and a façade! So, let’s rewind to a more reliable source: the ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle, who coined the word ‘eudaimonia’, over two thousand years ago, to describe the sort of happiness he felt was important. Aristotle said a person could find eudaimonia in a number of ways. These included: being a good person and obeying basic rules; working hard at friendships and in your community; being kind; having sufficient food and shelter; working hard at a skill you enjoy; and being honest and gentle. He also warned against artificial, short-term highs, such as drugs and alcohol, cautioning that they would ultimately prevent true happiness, for which there was no short-cut.

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Fast-forward, past many other great theories about happiness… and we arrive in 2011, where psychologist, Martin Seligman (also known as ‘the father of positive psychology’) has just published a book called Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and WellBeing. In this book, Seligman talks about five rules (or ‘pillars’) for ‘flourishing’—the word he uses instead of ‘happiness’. He believes that people are not looking, on a fundamental level, at temporary happiness; what they really want is a longer-lasting emotion, something more akin to contentment. To flourish, he says people need five things: to feel good about something; to get absorbed in a pastime they enjoy (this is called ‘flow’); to have close family, friends or feel part of a community; to believe in a reason or a cause that really matters; and,

to work hard at a skill so they can do it well. It is interesting to reflect on the similarities between Aristotle’s and Seligman’s ‘rules for happiness’, so far apart historically but so close conceptually. It seems safe to assume that, if these two thinkers—and many others in between—have reached such similar conclusions, then humankind can have changed very little, over the two thousand years that divide them. And if that is true, there must be some deep truths to be found in the guidelines they put forward. While happiness is definitely a very personal thing and it would never do to suggest one person might find it in the same way as another, there are clearly commonalities.

KEEP

ave you ever noticed that if you are scared or unhappy it is almost impossible to think straight; and when you are anxious it is really hard to learn or remember things? We all have a part of our brain called our limbic system which protects us from danger, by deciding whether we should stay and fight, or run away—this is our ‘fight or flight’ instinct. It is in this limbic system that our hippocampus can be found; in fact, we have two of them, shaped like seahorses, one by each ear. The hippocampus is like a warehouse that processes emotions and

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Most importantly, it appears that being happy involves some level of effort, either physically, emotionally, intellectually or artistically, on the part of the person who is seeking to find it; in which case, sitting waiting for that moment of sublime joy to strike like a thunderbolt is evidently not going to yield results.

Therefore, it seems it is for us to make our own happiness, through hard work and conscious effort; making sure we are aware when the stresses and anxieties are beginning to build, and that we have a few strategies—be they friends or hobbies—to chase the blues away and ensure we retain a sense that life, on the whole, is good, and we are at one with our wellbeing. Perhaps the poet Max Ehrmann sums it up best: ‘Whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.’ ■ Lisa Stone

PING THE HIPPO HAPPY stores things we need to recall, such as facts and memories. It helps us to remember them by linking each memory to certain senses, so that the smell of freshly cut grass reminds us of happy summer days and makes us feel happy; or a certain perfume or song reminds us of someone we know. It then links, tags and mind-maps these memories, before sending them to storage somewhere else in the brain.

us and tells us when to be scared. If it senses too much stress, danger or negativity, it sends negative messages to the hippocampus. If the hippocampus gets too many negative messages, it stops working properly—and eventually starts to shrink—meaning we struggle to deal with our emotions, process information and remember things when we are anxious or unhappy. On the other hand, when we feel relaxed and positive, we can do all sorts of difficult tasks and think However, next to the hippocampus is the clearly—because our hippocampus is happy! amygdala, which is a bit like the brain’s panic The more we send positive messages, the more alarm; it checks out what is going on around efficient it gets. ■

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‘N OTH I N G L A ST S FO R E V E R’ If my story can show one person who is struggling that there is a way through, then sharing it is worth it.

fter a troubled childhood involving divorce, disability, and sexual abuse, I started self-harming at the age of 12. In early adulthood, I encountered domestic violence, several bereavements including one of my own child, rape, stalking, and a heroin addiction all while struggling at university. I ended up graduating with respectable honours in Law in 2011 which was a proud achievement for me. My story really starts in 2012 following the birth of my son. I had been on antidepressants for a while and was managing well on them. The midwife told me if I felt happy I should come off my medication which I did— immediately. Looking back, this was a huge mistake as it should have been done slowly and under the direction of my GP. I was a single mother juggling work and a part-time college course while running a house and adjusting to motherhood. It was unsurprising that I developed severe postnatal depression aged 23. I engaged in psychotherapy but it didn’t help much. When my son turned 14 months old, I decided the only way out of my personal hell was to end my life. I took a massive overdose. I was sectioned that

night in August 2013. This admission to my local mental health hospital started years of being a revolving door patient, which meant I spent time in hospital, stabilised, was discharged and then became unwell again and was re-sectioned. For me, it was like sticking a plaster on an open wound when what I needed was stitches and healing. I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, complex PTSD and Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. My decision to kill myself that night cost me my career, relationships and— to my devastation—custody of my son. I continued to experience failure, rape, and stalking, and my mental health deteriorated to the point I was overdosing three to four times a week ending up in resus many times, cutting myself all over my body and attempting to throw myself off bridges and hang myself. In December 2016, I left a suicide note in my flat and my best friend/on-off partner found it. She called the police. She went looking all around the city for me and eventually found me on a bridge above a railway

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track, threatening to jump. Bravely, she climbed over the barrier and held onto me until the police found us. She pulled me back from the bridge. I was taken to a place of safety by the police and later sectioned under the Mental Health Act. I spent my third Christmas in a row in hospital. I woke up to the sounds of alarms instead of the excited screams of my little boy. In February 2017, I was granted a lot of money to go to a private rehabilitation unit for people with complex mental health difficulties and personality disorders. I spent 16 months in rehab compiling my coping toolkit. I was under an excellent psychiatrist and I engaged in all therapies offered including CBT-based distress tolerance skills, mindfulness, a programme called STEPPS (Systems Training for Emotional Predictability and Problem Solving) and exposure therapy. I learned how to control and regulate my emotions.

The way I describe it is people tend to be able to express their emotions quite normally; for example, the body/mind switches tears on automatically whereas I had to learn to flick the switch manually. I left rehab in June 2017 with a whole toolbox of coping strategies, as well as a recovery scrapbook full of positive quotes and the positive poems I have written which helps in times of need. Since discharge I have struggled but I have managed to stay out of hospital which is a huge achievement for me. I’ve been under the Home Treatment team (more commonly known as the Crisis Team), changed medications under the direction of my new psychiatrist who is thorough and understanding, and learned to enjoy life. In 2017 the story about my then partner jumping over the railings to save me (back in December 2016) featured in a new campaign by the Samaritans ‘Small Talk Saves Lives’. Of course, they didn’t advocate that everyone should do what my partner did but simply shared the message that a little small talk can start someone on a journey to recovery, help break their thoughts and ultimately, save a life. It was a very proud moment when it was released to

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the media, and very cathartic to be a part of. I waived my right to anonymity on social media about a year after it was released because I’m so proud of my progress. I started a Happiness Journey blog on social media where I post things that inspire me or that I am grateful for. It is mostly to do with life improvement, mental health awareness and gratitude. I have a newfound love for life. I’m not saying it’s a breeze or a walk in the park but it’s definitely a lot easier. I remind people that the bad thing is ‘nothing lasts forever’, but equally the good thing is ‘nothing lasts forever’. I keep daily gratitude journals because I love writing, and I think it’s healthy to focus on the positives of the day. Days can be long, tedious and overwhelming especially when you’re poorly but I wholeheartedly believe there is always something you can be grateful for, or be positive about, and that makes dark days a lot easier to handle. I also wrote a letter to my poorly self and challenged everything I normally say when I’m unwell. I credit rehab to healing my wounds, a good CPN to keeping me grounded and my now fiancée for saving my life and giving me hope. Without her I would not be alive, well, happy and looking forward to the future.

I lost the majority of my 20s to mental ill health and I turn 30 in January 2019. By my 30th I plan to be CPN-free, reduced on medication and I have decided to embrace the fact. On my 29th last January I was dreading my next milestone birthday. But to be honest, five years ago I didn’t think I’d make it this far. My son has a well mother, my fiancée has her future wife back, I work full time in a job I love and I honestly couldn’t be happier. If my story can show one person who is struggling that there is a way through and that the life they think they don’t deserve is coming then sharing it is worth it. ■ Tracey Robertson

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C AN A PIC T URE PA I NT A T H O US AN D WORDS?

I certainly hope so. I’m relying on it.

’ve lived a great life, full of travel: 13 changes of country with all the cultural sights, sounds and experiences that brings, not to mention numerous holidays in far-flung places.

I know I enjoyed. I feel like shouting out ‘I have loved my life!’ because every time he or anyone else asks ‘Can you remember…?’ the answer is invariably no. Perhaps I should insist on that being my epitaph.

The blot on this ‘great life’—I struggle to remember any of it. My memory has My childhood growing up in Africa and gone. And I am somehow unable to Australia is gone. make new memories. I have lost both parents (to an accident My daughters no longer ask me ‘what and an illness) and know only that they was I like? What did I do as a child?’ were wonderful people who I loved as my answer is invariably ‘I can’t dearly. I struggle to bring any particular remember’. There’s a huge difference moment with them to mind. between the things I know (because I don’t know when I first realised that all they are family anecdotes or because we these memories have gone but the more have the photograph) and the emotions I have become aware of it, the more it I must have felt at such times. I cannot has upset me. I now feel as if I am living remember actually having either of my on the edge of my life—witnessing girls or bring to mind the moment of and recording it rather than as a true holding them in my arms that very first participant. time. All those milestone moments— talking, walking, first day of school— I didn’t seek professional help until are gone and I must have felt such joy it occurred to me that we had a onceand pride in them. in-a-lifetime family holiday looming and our eldest daughter’s wedding just My husband and I have been married eight months after that; both of which for 28 years—I can’t remember our I wanted to be able to remember in the wedding day. Again, there are loads of smallest detail possible. photos and I know it was one of the most wonderful, exciting days of my My GP was very sympathetic if life but I cannot put myself back in the somewhat baffled that it was my longmoment. He has a brilliant memory term memory which was failing me and is constantly able to tell me about when short-term recall was fine. We holidays, trips and many, many special went down the route of MRI scan moments we have shared—all of which and testing for dementia—I got to 39

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see my brain and to my huge relief, it was declared very healthy with absolutely no signs of imminent dementia. The specialist concluded the issue is psychological and suggested I may have suffered some sort of trauma which has blocked my memory. He and the other specialist in my life—my sister—both suggested that the loss of both parents may have triggered this blockage. Perhaps I am too matter-of-fact but tragic as these events were, I don’t consider them to be a trauma but rather a sad fact of life that happens to people the world over—we all suffer great losses along the way.

And the family wedding? We had all those exciting months of dress-fittings and planning for it all to come together seven months ago in the most magical of days, full of love and joy. This I know. But I cannot bring back that feeling inside me of the moment we walked the bride down the aisle as a family. I know I felt the emotions because in practically every photo of me throughout the day I am struggling not to cry! I suppose we don’t really think about it when all is well but it seems to me now that our memories are linked heavily to our feelings and our emotional state of being rather than just recalling facts—and I know I am an emotional person, there’s just something stopping me from reliving all these precious moments.

I have been referred to a psychiatrist but, almost a year on, am still awaiting an appointment. In the meantime, I am making the effort to live every moment as it comes, the phone is constantly out taking photos And my greatest fear? If anything should and I am filling in a diary more religiously ever happen to my husband, daughters or than I have ever managed to do so before. closest family and friends… would I be able Needless to say, the wonderful holiday has to remember them? been and gone—I thoroughly enjoyed it and I’m going to go and chase up that know I did so because we have a multitude of appointment. ■ fantastic photos. But ask me what we did and I can’t tell you without referring back to my Lisa Mitchell-Ross diary and that collection of photos.

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F O O D FOR THOUGHT (AND MEMORIES)

emory loss, poor concentration and depression are common early signs and symptoms of dementia, which can be frightening and very isolating for those experiencing them. Already, 46.8 million people worldwide live with dementia and the World Health Organization expects this to double every 20 years, reaching 131.5 million in 2050. In the UK alone, 1 in 14 people over 65 have Alzheimer's disease, a form of dementia which accounts for around two-thirds of all dementia cases. Public communication on dementia means most of us believe there is nothing we can do until a pharmaceutical cure is found, and dementia is somehow genetically inevitable. However, research to date shows only 1 percent of the risk of Alzheimer’s is actually caused by genes and up to 50 percent is attributable to modifiable diet and lifestyle related factors.

risk of cognitive decline. This is because the brain is especially sensitive to oxidative damage as it requires a large amount of oxygen to function normally. Step up your vegetable intake and add broccoli, cabbage, kale, cauliflower, bok choy, watercress and rocket to your diet.

Increase your omega-3 levels

Omega-3s are among the most vital nutrients out there; they are key components of cell membranes and help support the nerve cells in the brain. They also help clear waste material from the brain, including amyloidb plaque, a hallmark of Alzheimer’s. Get your omega-3 levels up by eating plenty of oily fish like salmon and mackerel, flaxseeds, walnuts, macadamias and chia seeds.

Add some B vitamins

There are ways to help prevent the risk of developing Alzheimer’s. These steps include eating foods rich in antioxidants, omega-3s, and B vitamins, limiting caffeine and alcohol, and keeping physically, mentally and socially active.

The most important B vitamins to support your brain are B6, B9 (folate) and B12. Poultry, leafy greens and seafood are great sources of B6, which is essential for supporting new red blood cell growth. Folate can be found in abundance in spinach, broccoli and pulses Eat foods rich in antioxidants and is vital for brain health in adults and Antioxidants help protect cells all over the development in babies. You can get your B12 body from oxidation damage; the more fruit from poultry, red meat and dairy but also and vegetables in your diet, the lower your fortified plant-based products like soy milk and cereals. ■ 41

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E M B RAC IN G MY A N X IE T Y Why am I still embarrassed that I suffer from anxiety?

think I managed to get through the first 19 years of my life believing my thoughts were normal and the ‘irrational’ fears and phobias that I managed to suppress on a daily basis were shared by everyone. It wasn’t until University that I experienced my first anxiety attack, induced by a horribly drunken freshers month and probably the realisation that I was in a different city, in a flat I had never been in before and with people I barely knew. At university, you are thrown in and out of every social situation imaginable and wanting to keep up a certain perception of myself, I adhered to the unwritten rules: I never spoke about my anxiety, I probably didn't even address it as anxiety and managed to laugh off the first episode as a result of heavy drinking. Anxiety and depression weren’t spoken about during that time, the world hadn’t developed to the place it is now, people weren’t coming forward, out of the woodwork, admitting they were suffering and that they shouldn’t have to hide it. Fast forward seven years and we are very much in a progressive and understanding world. So the question is, why do I still feel embarrassed that I suffer from anxiety? It’s upsetting because I feel as though I’m cheating those who suffer but openly admit it and talk about it, but this is a real feeling of embarrassment and one that I am determined to work through. So… bear with me while I write this out.

back pretty damn quickly and—as he always has—put on a stiff upper lip and didn’t let any of it get in his way. Now without pointing fingers and saying ‘Dad, it’s all your fault’, my anxiety really ramped up another notch after he got sick. I couldn’t leave the house, I quit my job, I moved back in with my parents (it was only temporary).

No longer did I feel like the confident, loud, sometimes garrulous young women I knew but instead I wanted to hide in bed, crippled with this feeling that I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t get out of the house, unable to pull myself out of it. I count myself as very fortunate that I have good people around me; my partner, best friend and family were incredibly supportive and almost coaxed me ‘back to life’ despite my feeling that I was being an additional burden considering what my dad was going through. A year on and while my anxiety does affect me in my everyday life, the getting out of bed is easier, the socialising is easier, the breathing is easier. So why, why, why do I feel like I still get judged for feeling like this? Is it because I tried to suppress my anxiety for years and believed there was nothing wrong? Is it because last year all happened at once and I’m embarrassed that I reacted like that? I’m unsure.

My dad got himself into a pretty sticky situation last year and ended up having quite a severe Yes, I have anxiety. Yes, sometimes I feel like stroke. Credit where credit is due, he bounced I can’t move in crowds, or on a tube platform 42

or sometimes it creeps up when I’m on the train—yes, the same train I have been catching every day for the last two years. I’ve heard that routine helps anxiety. Sometimes it makes mine worse. All I have to do is remind myself that my anxiety does not consume me. It doesn’t rule my life. It doesn’t define me. It is a part of me, and always will be, but it shouldn’t embarrass me. I recently had dinner with a very dear friend of mine. We’ve been friends for years, we met when we were 17 and I’m very lucky he is still in my life now. He suffers from the same crippling anxiety as me and, like me, has waves of feeling fine and then boom! It hits. We hadn’t really spoken about our heads in such depth before he made me realise and understand just how important it is that we talk. We admit and we accept that this is us. We spent the meal laughing and crying and proclaiming how bloody annoying it is but should never be ignored when it has such an effect on us.

issues they shouldn’t be seen as flawed? But then I have to ask myself the question: am I doing enough in my own personal life and circles to make sure the people around me don’t look at me in that way? As they say—it only takes one. So, I have two choices. I can either keep being embarrassed that I suffer from mental health issues and keep living in a world of semi-denial in the hope that this is going to magically disappear. Ashamed to admit I suffer from any problems whatsoever (Lord above—a perfect person! Who would have thought it?!)

For me, I really think that this is the most important thing with my anxiety. I need to talk about it and not be embarrassed about it. I need to not try and bury it and pretend I’m fine. I can be the same person—confident and garrulous—but I can also have those Or I have another choice. I write this article. moments where I do just need to take a step I admit to myself and to whoever who back, breathe and paint a few walls in my flat. reads this that sometimes I do feel anxious, sometimes I can’t breathe. Sometimes it It’s a massive struggle for me that people with takes me a while to separate the reality from mental health problems are still looked at in the subconscious. I have anxiety. And that is a different light. Despite all the good people okay. It is okay not to be okay. I will not be are doing in trying to change that, there is a embarrassed. ■ fundamental problem with recognising that just because people struggle with certain Georgina Price

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A N X I E T Y: W H AT IT IS AN D WH AT TO DO Help and advice from Anxiety UK

nxiety is the feeling you have when you believe that something unpleasant is going to happen and for which you must be fearful. It’s a normal human response and something that everyone experiences from time to time when faced with situations that are challenging or threatening. Research shows 1 in 5 people experience some manifestation of anxiety to a troubling degree at some time in their lives. When anxiety is experienced in situations where there is no threat or when it is disproportionate to the situation faced, this could be a sign that normal stress and anxiety have become an anxiety disorder. At this point, it is sensible to seek help.

There are also many things that you can do yourself to assist with lowering levels of anxiety:

Generally, relaxation training is helpful in dealing with the physical symptoms of anxiety as is exercise. Thought-stopping techniques, distraction, self-help resources, and talking therapy treatments are useful ways of tackling anxiety and the various physical, physiological and behavioural symptoms. Paying attention to your diet is also important; avoiding foods high in sugar and limiting your caffeine intake plays a role in the management of anxiety. Similarly, ensuring you get a good night’s sleep is also crucial as there is a well-established link A good place to start is to seek the support of between sleep and mood. your GP who can make you aware of services Additionally, membership with Anxiety available in your local area. They may also UK will provide you with a year’s free discuss the option of taking medications such subscription to the popular mindfulness and as antidepressants which often have an anti- meditation app, Headspace, which can assist anxiety component and can be useful in the with breathing exercises and much more. treatment of anxiety.

• Breathe in slowly through your nose for a count of four • As you breathe in, focus on your chest expanding • Hold for a count of five • Breathe out through your mouth for a count of six or longer • As you breathe out, focus on your chest releasing Repeat until the anxiety or panic has diminished.

Anxiety UK has an extensive range of therapy services through its national Approved Therapy service that offers access to a wide range of talking therapy treatments as well as access to a clinical acupuncture national service. Additionally, CBT and counselling are available via webcam and over the phone. If you can’t wait a few days to see a therapist and feel that you need help now, Anxiety UK also has a new Digital Online Therapy Service where you can speak to a therapist on demand via a bespoke online platform.

Self-help resources are an excellent tool to utilise in tandem with therapy. They serve as a reminder of specific techniques once therapy has ended so you can continue to practice good habits learnt in your own time and apply them in your day to day living. Anxiety UK has a range of books available which use CBT techniques. The ‘Overcoming Series’ evidence based-CBT underpinned books cover different anxiety conditions including Health Anxiety, Social Anxiety, OCD, and GAD to name a few. These are all available on Anxiety UK’s website. ■

Remember: • Anxiety is completely normal. • Anxiety generally cannot harm you. • Most people experience anxiety at some point in their lives. • Anxiety does not mean weakness. • It is possible to learn to manage anxiety effectively. 46

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EFFECT IVE TALKIN G T H E RAPIES Cognitive behavioural therapy The basis of CBT is that what people think affects how they feel emotionally and also alters what they do behaviourally. CBT looks to challenge negative thinking styles and thoughts and has been found to be extremely useful in the treatment of anxietyâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s recommended by the National Institute of Health and Care Excellence (NICE).

Counselling Counselling is a form of talking therapy that allows you to speak openly about your feelings. It can help you process any negative thoughts and work through problems you are struggling with. A counsellor is trained to provide you a safe environment to express yourself and will listen without judgement.

Clinical hypnotherapy Clinical hypnotherapy is the use of hypnosis and guided imagery for the treatment and alleviation of a variety of physical and psychological symptoms. Hypnosis allows the subject to experience often quite deep levels of relaxation and so helps to reduce levels of stress and anxiety.

FIN D I N G CON TROL I N EPI LE PSY Being diagnosed with anything is huge. Frontal lobe epilepsy is no different.

ooking back, it’s all a bit of a blur actually. It’s funny really, how our brain manages to put this steel box around tough memories. I am told a lot about this time, and to be honest, I have absolutely zero recollection of most of it. The parts that I do remember I usually keep very close to my chest and rarely out of my mouth; so here we go.

jumped on the train to see me. Lying there, not yet having spoken to a doctor, we were left to discuss what had happened, and my mum explained what she had seen.

In the early hours of the morning, she had heard a noise coming from my room—a bit like blinds going up and down apparently. After a few moments of confusion, she opened my door to see where it was coming from. I I am twelve years old, and I can hear screams was having a seizure. When it finished, my all around me. I am not in my body; the mum asked if I knew her name, and I said no. room is black; I have a high frequency sound She asked if I knew my name, I said no. piercing through my ears and my mind; my In fact, I couldn’t speak very much at thoughts are muffled and almost non-existent, all without sounding like I was three but the screams are very much there—and the bottles of gin down—this went on for fear is unforgettable. I am now lying in the back of an ambulance. The smell is distinctive—chemicals and disinfectant maybe. My mum is holding my hand, and a nurse is sat on the other side of her. My vision is slightly blurry, but I am aware of my mum being really close to my face, saying my name a number of times until I focus my eyes on her—I can see worry in hers.

an hour. I don’t remember any of it.

As she was telling me this, I began to recall a few things. I remember waking up with my left hand spasming. This began to spread up my left arm and up my neck, until it took hold over my entire body. My hearing turned into a high-pitched frequency squeal and I tried to call out, but I couldn’t—and if I was calling, I couldn’t hear myself doing it, I could just feel the motion of my mouth tensing. My vision went, and I remember becoming closer to losing consciousness, but in one last attempt to get help, I knocked my glass of water to the floor. Then, this ‘thing’ grew stronger, and it took over my brain until I could not think of anything anymore. It was terrifying. To this day it gives me chills.

I don’t remember much else of the journey, but I do remember an odd taste in my mouth, and when I asked for some water, it didn’t taste much like water at all. I was also given some strawberry flavoured sugar gel—I have a massive sweet tooth, but this stuff was disgusting. It actually had a slight resemblance to the Strawberry and Banana Innocent smoothie—a favourite of mine, which I haven’t The time between then and now, ten years been able to drink since. later, is a long old journey. Full of hospital My body felt weak, and I still did not visits, scans, blood tests, medication, new have a clue what had happened. medication, help sites for people going through the same thing, and always looking I don’t remember arriving in the hospital, for the latest revelation that could cure me, whether I walked, or whether I was carried. I there is probably too much for a few more must have been there for a few hours, but the paragraphs—a story for another day, shall we first thing I remember was my sister arriving. say. She found out, left work immediately and

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To summarise briefly however, around three months down the line and a number of brain scans later, I was officially diagnosed with Frontal Lobe Epilepsy: ‘A neurological disorder that is characterised by brief, recurring seizures that arise in the frontal lobes of the brain, often while the patient is sleeping.’

It was big news, and we all knew it would mean a big adjustment to my life—all our lives—but at least we knew what we were dealing with and how we could move forward. I was prescribed Tegretol (Carbamazepine) and was told to take 100mg twice a day and to increase this each week all the way to 1000mg. From day one of taking them, I was completely out of it. The next few months are a complete blur looking back, but I do vividly remember going out for dinner one evening, and feeling as though I was watching over my family. It’s a very bizarre feeling, not feeling yourself. I am someone that almost always has a smile on their face (*cough* you don’t get ‘the girl with the sunniest smile’ award at school for nothing, you know *cough*) but during this time, I felt nothing—other than sleepy. All. The. Time. I would cry—but I didn’t know why, and I would worry the feeling might last forever. That this might be the new me. Tegretol works by stabilising the electrical activity in the brain and nerves. Your brain and nerve cells communicate through electrical signals, and these then in turn, must be carefully regulated for the brain and nerves to function properly. Tegretol stops electrical signals from building up in the nerve cells in the brain, and also by reducing the release of a neurotransmitter called glutamate.

out of character is horrible, but rest assured, my body—and brain—over time got used to it when I stabilised my medication intake. I was still sleepy (to this day,) but my personality started peeking through and I began to think clearly again. When you aren’t on any form of medication, you take it for granted—I know I did. To be completely fit and healthy, and importantly not putting a foreign ‘thing’ into your body, is wonderful. My upbringing taught me, ‘If you have a headache, you should drink some water, not take some paracetamol.’ I guess it stuck. When I was told that I was going to have to take drugs for probably my entire life, it was a bit of a shock. I was much younger then, so I think it had more of an impact on my family, whereas I almost didn’t think of the long-term effect too much—it was a path to follow to try and stop the seizures from happening. With the medication, my moods were balanced, I was feeling myself and I was on a stable dose. My trigger points of stress and tiredness set me off sometimes, and I would be asleep for the entire day following, but in general it was working well. The ball was in my court, and I wasn’t going to let this thing beat me. After being fit-free with Tegretol controlling my seizures for the better part of eight years, they started to come back, and unfortunately pretty aggressively. It started with one every six months, to one every three months, and then three in two weeks. I usually forced myself to get showered and make my normal 7.31am train to get to work (despite once showering in my underwear and looking down, bewildered by the whole affair.) School was different, but I didn’t want to let something like this stand in my way in anything I did—especially not my career!

Once you understand what is going on inside, and what this medication is trying to do, you can begin to understand why you are likely to feel this way. Feeling, or being made to feel, It was gutting, but it was time to look at 50

Mentality

When you aren’t on any form of medication, you take it for granted. To be completely fit and healthy, and not putting a foreign ‘thing’ into your body, is wonderful.

changing something and getting these things under control again. The increased frequency also made me less scared of them, but when sleeping alone, I would still have a knot in my stomach and a fear to fall asleep in case they attacked in the night. When I woke up and realised what had happened, I wanted to cry. Every time.

and I am in control. I still have seizures, and they still terrify me the way they did that first time, but my recovery time has reduced significantly. I am no longer asleep for a day, I now can be up and about, in an hour, to go on as I usually would.

I am still always on the hunt for the next ‘cure,’ and when they don’t work, I am disappointed for days—but, the I went back to the neurologist, and discussed difference is, I am now in control. medication options. After going through a long list of options, it was decided that Keppra was the next stop. I was to slowly come off Tegretol, and start introducing Keppra. It was exciting—everyone had so much faith, and I was looking forward to taking some control.

Fast forward ten months, we had the mood change bit again which was a tough gig, and I made the decision to have a cocktail of Tegretol and Keppra as that seemed to be controlling them the best. I was hoping to be on just one drug, and off Tegretol; now I’m just happy that it is working for me, my moods are stable— and actually, I am more awake than ever. I might soon lose my ‘nap queen’ title.

I control my life, which allows me to control my condition. I write my feelings down, I use fitness and a healthy diet as a way to influence my body in the way I want to and keep a happy mind.

Being diagnosed with anything is huge. The usual questions of: What now?; What does this mean for me?; How does this change things?; Can I cope with this?; How do I cope with this?; will happen and are natural. They may take some time, and you may feel like it has taken over your life, but you know what? You will figure it out! And remember, you are in control. Whatever is coming your way, you I am almost five and a half months fit-free and I can tackle it—one step at a time. ■ am happy—really happy. I am fit, I am healthy, Gemma Mills

Mentality

LOOKI NG A F TE R YO UR M E NTA L H E A LT H 7 simple ways to keep mentally healthy 1.

Talk about your feelings

Keep in touch

This doesn’t need to be a big deal and it doesn’t need to be a serious conversation; try answering truthfully next time a friend asks how you are.

A strong support system can do wonders to keep you active and grounded and help you deal with all of life’s stressors. Keep in touch with the people who make you feel loved and valued.

Watch your drinking

There’s nothing wrong with a drink, but don’t let it become a way to self-medicate. Keep an eye on how often you’re turning to alcohol and find healthier ways to manage your feelings.

Take regular breaks

Find a few minutes every day to focus on yourself. Inject some mindfulness into your daily life and prioritise me-time. Make sure you take your lunch breaks and regular holiday time off work.

Enjoy a hobby

Eat healthily and well

Enjoying yourself is the perfect way to help beat stress. Concentrating on a hobby can help you forget your worries and getting good at that hobby helps boost your selfesteem.

What we eat affects how we feel—both immediately and long-term. Avoid caffeine and sugar, and add plenty of nutrients to your diet. At the same time, don’t restrict yourself too much; the occasional indulgence does wonders for wellbeing.

7. Keep mentally and physically active

Physical exercise keeps your body and brain healthy and releases endorphins—the happy chemicals. A simple half hour walk is enough. Exercise your brain with puzzles and regular reading to up your mental fitness.

-ette

A NO R M AL DAY Heading back to work after time off with my OCD

’m riding my bike. It’s a regular day. The morning is dark and gloomy, illuminated only by the street lamps and lights swinging from my handlebars. I’m on my way to the train and ready to begin a day of work. I turn a corner and across my path come a few other cyclists—the same as me, on their way to work, probably deep in thought, exploring the shadowy recesses of their mind at one of the only times of day when they’re all alone. Feeling peaceful?

unison, weaving in and out of each other seamlessly as we try to push ourselves through another day. It’s a short ride to the train station and I try not to think too much about what I am about to do, instead concentrating on the cyclists in front of me. What will they say? They’ll say I’m crazy and think I’m a troublemaker for being off sick.

I join the group of cyclists and we cycle in

You don’t look sick. Everyone has moments of stress, anxiety, pain. What makes you special?

Mentality

The voices echo around in my head, bouncing off the walls and reverberating, repeating, not going away. The thought of the judgement awaiting me at the office is enough to make me want to turn around, ride back home, strip off my outdoor clothes and throw myself back onto the bed I’ve occupied for the past three weeks. The bed is safety, security and warmth, a promise of love and acceptance, the feeling you get when you hug your mother. I won’t have to face the world or solve all my problems if I just stay in bed. I can lie still and think. I can go over the thoughts that trouble me and repeat in my brain, making myself cry with frustration in the process as I try to convince myself that yes, I did lock the door and that no, I did not do something bad but I just don’t know what.

The ritual steals my body and mind’s energy—yet fuels it too. Strange. But when you get the pattern right, when you tap in the right places the right number of times, you can move on.

Sometimes, all that fills my mind is the ‘what ifs’ and the terrible thoughts and the mistakes I’ve made and the pattern of three. I’m often in bed too, when I think about this. My body is secure in my bed, but I can’t be safe from my own mind. My bed is my escape from the world, but not from myself. I just want to bang my head against the wall or replace my brain with another one and live a normal life. I want to go beyond my bed and wash and eat full meals and stop imagining I will somehow hurt The trouble is, getting stuck in this pattern someone just by going outside. turns the ‘what ifs’ into ‘when’ in your brain Today, the morning is dark and gloomy, but my and the place you thought was safe doesn’t feel mind is not. I fight the urge to turn around and so safe anymore. So, you begin the rituals: run back home to hide from the shame of my Tap the wall three times, and you’ll be safe. own daring to have a normal day. That doesn’t Make sure you don’t accidentally do this more take priority today. than three times because then you’ll have to So, I make it to the station. I park my bike. I start again and worship the pattern of three take a breath. until everything feels just right. Don’t forget: three times, or three sets of three taps. Three or I’m on the platform. My hair is washed, and I nine in total. But, tap in the right place too. Did ate breakfast this morning. The train arrives. you tap too high or too low? Sorry, start again. The doors open. I step in. Now, I’m certain that I got it right now. Wait, A normal day begins. ■ what if I didn’t? I’ll perform the ritual again, just to make sure this time. Tap correctly, and Anonymous you can go to bed. Or back to bed, if this is the first time you’ve got up since you tried to get to sleep. It’s funny; when this happens, I feel weird, frustrated, angry, tired, my eyes are heavy, but my mind is sharp and the pattern of three is fighting for dominance and I don’t have the energy to refuse. 55

The modern female journalism youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve been waiting for. For content enquiries: editor@hyphenette.com For advertising enquiries: gemma@hyphenette.com

Mentality

Articles inside

On the hunt for happiness

Finding Control in Epilepsy

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