Features news
page 3: Tattler Publishes in Chinese
page 5: It’s Friday!!!
page 10: Varsity Quidditch
School Improvement page 6
to tattle.
ALL THE NEWS THAT’S fit April 1, 2011 • Estd. 1892 • Vol. 119 • No.6• Published Monthly • www.ihstattler.com • Ithaca High School, 1401 N. Cayuga St., Ithaca, NY, 14850 • PRICELESS
Tattler Publishes in Chinese
55 Dead as Bieber Fever Outbreak Infects IHS
By MAO DEZONG
The Tattler will be publishing two versions of each of its issues starting this May: the original in English, and another in Traditional Chinese. Distribution to the school, local community and subscribers will remain the same with no additional costs. The idea first occurred to the Tattler editorial board at the first meeting of the school year in September. It became apparent that the board is dominated by Asians this year, who account for eight out of the 16 editors on board. Whether this was due to chance or a predilection for Asians by last year’s editors (who had chosen the editors for this school year) is unclear. After three months of heated discussion, the board was still divided exactly in half over the idea. Those who opposed were concerned about political correctness and potential accusation that The Tattler is racist. Those who voted for publication of Chinese editions of the Tattler viewed it as an opportunity to empower a group of students who are clearly the minority at Ithaca High and in need of any form of support available. The decision was finally reached at the onset of December; the vote was nine for, seven against. One of the previously opposing editors decided she would rather risk getting sued than continue the discussion on the merits of Asian empowerment. More debate ensued over whether publication should be in Traditional or Simplified Chinese. Those rooting for Simplified Chinese pointed out that China, with a population of nearly 1.5 billion people and accounting for 19.5 percent of the world’s population, uses Simplified Chinese exclusively. Traditional Chinese is used only by Taiwan, a tiny country barely the size of Maryland and Delaware combined, that most of the world cannot locate on a map. The board voted to publish in Simplified Chinese, but the vote was vetoed by Editor-in-Chief Jade Fang ‘11, a Taiwanese native. The paper is now decidedly printed in Traditional Chinese. continued on p. 3
PHOTO/PROVIDED Fans experiencing Bieber Fever, who are are eventually rushed to the hospital and pronounced dead the next day. By BABY MAYBE has been placed on high alert, as Bieber Fever is incredibly
On Friday, March 25, ICSD Superintendent Dr. Brown closed IHS and declared it unsafe. When asked for the cause, he simply replied, “it’s the Bieber” and walked away. With that, widespread panic ensued, as it was concluded that the deadly Bieber Fever virus has been let loose in the Ithaca community. One parent is quoted as saying, “While that young man does have nice hair, his infectious charm and dazzling smile is dangerous.” Death tolls are rising, as over 200 have been infected and 55 are confirmed dead. The community
contagious. Governor Andrew Cuomo has declared a state of emergency, and relief is rushing in. Scientific studies show that the only way to combat the deadly effects of Bieber Fever is to inject testosterone straight into your blood stream. Supplies of testosterone are being airlifted into Ithaca, and all residents are asked to stay inside and not turn on the television. “One look is all it takes,” says resident Bieberologist Clara Englehart. Particular channels to avoid include: MTV, VH1, Oxygen, The Oprah Winfrey Network and E!. continued on p. 3
IHS Imposes Mandatory Study Halls By SNORLAX
For many of us, study halls are synonymous with 45-minute naps. Or, for those who are more productive, study halls usually consist of a repeated series of yawning, toe-tapping and profoundly declaring: “I’m bored.” Seeing the obvious benefit of study halls, IHS has declared that every student must have at least one study hall in his/her schedule. What does this mean? Well, for the majority of us, we get to enjoy a nice power nap in the middle of the day. However, unfortunately for those who are inclined to wear pocket protectors and taped glasses, you will
have to forgo your Honors and AP classes in favor of a far more intellectually stimulating atmosphere. It is highly suggested that you make the best use of your newly acquired study hall time by learning how to fall asleep quickly. Not only will this help you catch up on your beauty sleep, but it will also allow you to catch a wink whenever your teachers tell you to discuss your homework (which, by the way, is teacher-talk for “I really don’t feel like lecturing a classroom full of hormone-crazed teenagers, so just entertain yourself while I attend to more important matters”). Or better yet, you should master the art of
falling asleep with your eyes open. That way, when teachers give particularly lengthy and boring lectures, you can just hone your newly developed sleeping skills and blissfully doze off for the rest of the period. (Note: certain people, particularly those who tend to walk, talk, or hit people in their sleep, should refrain from this exercise). Although it is perfectly acceptable to relax during your newly acquired study halls, some may be glad to hear that there will also be a variety of self-expression workshops to choose from, such as “Let Your Inner Self continued on p. 3