Features news
page 3: Tattler Publishes in Chinese
page 5: It’s Friday!!!
page 10: Varsity Quidditch
School Improvement page 6
to tattle.
ALL THE NEWS THAT’S fit April 1, 2011 • Estd. 1892 • Vol. 119 • No.6• Published Monthly • www.ihstattler.com • Ithaca High School, 1401 N. Cayuga St., Ithaca, NY, 14850 • PRICELESS
Tattler Publishes in Chinese
55 Dead as Bieber Fever Outbreak Infects IHS
By MAO DEZONG
The Tattler will be publishing two versions of each of its issues starting this May: the original in English, and another in Traditional Chinese. Distribution to the school, local community and subscribers will remain the same with no additional costs. The idea first occurred to the Tattler editorial board at the first meeting of the school year in September. It became apparent that the board is dominated by Asians this year, who account for eight out of the 16 editors on board. Whether this was due to chance or a predilection for Asians by last year’s editors (who had chosen the editors for this school year) is unclear. After three months of heated discussion, the board was still divided exactly in half over the idea. Those who opposed were concerned about political correctness and potential accusation that The Tattler is racist. Those who voted for publication of Chinese editions of the Tattler viewed it as an opportunity to empower a group of students who are clearly the minority at Ithaca High and in need of any form of support available. The decision was finally reached at the onset of December; the vote was nine for, seven against. One of the previously opposing editors decided she would rather risk getting sued than continue the discussion on the merits of Asian empowerment. More debate ensued over whether publication should be in Traditional or Simplified Chinese. Those rooting for Simplified Chinese pointed out that China, with a population of nearly 1.5 billion people and accounting for 19.5 percent of the world’s population, uses Simplified Chinese exclusively. Traditional Chinese is used only by Taiwan, a tiny country barely the size of Maryland and Delaware combined, that most of the world cannot locate on a map. The board voted to publish in Simplified Chinese, but the vote was vetoed by Editor-in-Chief Jade Fang ‘11, a Taiwanese native. The paper is now decidedly printed in Traditional Chinese. continued on p. 3
PHOTO/PROVIDED Fans experiencing Bieber Fever, who are are eventually rushed to the hospital and pronounced dead the next day. By BABY MAYBE has been placed on high alert, as Bieber Fever is incredibly
On Friday, March 25, ICSD Superintendent Dr. Brown closed IHS and declared it unsafe. When asked for the cause, he simply replied, “it’s the Bieber” and walked away. With that, widespread panic ensued, as it was concluded that the deadly Bieber Fever virus has been let loose in the Ithaca community. One parent is quoted as saying, “While that young man does have nice hair, his infectious charm and dazzling smile is dangerous.” Death tolls are rising, as over 200 have been infected and 55 are confirmed dead. The community
contagious. Governor Andrew Cuomo has declared a state of emergency, and relief is rushing in. Scientific studies show that the only way to combat the deadly effects of Bieber Fever is to inject testosterone straight into your blood stream. Supplies of testosterone are being airlifted into Ithaca, and all residents are asked to stay inside and not turn on the television. “One look is all it takes,” says resident Bieberologist Clara Englehart. Particular channels to avoid include: MTV, VH1, Oxygen, The Oprah Winfrey Network and E!. continued on p. 3
IHS Imposes Mandatory Study Halls By SNORLAX
For many of us, study halls are synonymous with 45-minute naps. Or, for those who are more productive, study halls usually consist of a repeated series of yawning, toe-tapping and profoundly declaring: “I’m bored.” Seeing the obvious benefit of study halls, IHS has declared that every student must have at least one study hall in his/her schedule. What does this mean? Well, for the majority of us, we get to enjoy a nice power nap in the middle of the day. However, unfortunately for those who are inclined to wear pocket protectors and taped glasses, you will
have to forgo your Honors and AP classes in favor of a far more intellectually stimulating atmosphere. It is highly suggested that you make the best use of your newly acquired study hall time by learning how to fall asleep quickly. Not only will this help you catch up on your beauty sleep, but it will also allow you to catch a wink whenever your teachers tell you to discuss your homework (which, by the way, is teacher-talk for “I really don’t feel like lecturing a classroom full of hormone-crazed teenagers, so just entertain yourself while I attend to more important matters”). Or better yet, you should master the art of
falling asleep with your eyes open. That way, when teachers give particularly lengthy and boring lectures, you can just hone your newly developed sleeping skills and blissfully doze off for the rest of the period. (Note: certain people, particularly those who tend to walk, talk, or hit people in their sleep, should refrain from this exercise). Although it is perfectly acceptable to relax during your newly acquired study halls, some may be glad to hear that there will also be a variety of self-expression workshops to choose from, such as “Let Your Inner Self continued on p. 3
April 1, 2011
Opinion
Supreme Overlord
Jade Fang ‘11
editor@ihstattler.com
News Editor
Larry King ‘51 news@ihstattler.com
Always Winning
Rehan Dadi ‘11 features@ihstattler.com
Centerspread Editor
Banksy ‘12
centerspread@ihstattler.com
Come to the Tattler Applebee’s Fundraiser! Help support the newspaper that you love to read!! When: Sunday April 10th
Artistic Daad
Kyle Rothman ‘11 arts@ihstattler.com
The Black Leprechaun
Geoff Preston ‘11 sports@ihstattler.com
Penultimate and Back Page Editor
(Missing)
Tickets are ONLY 5 dollars! Tickets include 3 large pancakes, 2 pieces of bacon and unlimited coffee or orange juice
backpage@ihstattler.com
Copy Editor
Luna Lovegood ‘12 copy@ihstattler.com
The M ‘n Mzzz
Madeea Popescu ‘13 Mansi Vohra ‘13 photo@ihstattler.com
Ask a Tattler editorial member for details
Layout Editor
Anna Gill ‘11
layout@ihstattler.com
#!/usr/bin/perl-w
Yuqi Yang ‘11
webmaster@ihstattler.com
Do you play an
Future Mrs. Justin Bieber
Julie Stover ‘11 fact@ihstattler.com
Business Manager
instrument or do magic? We want you to perform at Rock The Arts 2011! All acts
Zack
business@ihstattler.com
Sudoku Solution (Puzzle on p. 11)
Advertising Manager
Cody
ads@ihstattler.com
Distro Bro
Katherine Hambury ‘11 distribution@ihstattler.com
Faculty Advisor
Deborah Lynn
are welcome to apply. You
advisor@ihstattler.com
can recite poetry, dance,
The Tattler is the studentrun newspaper of Ithaca High School. The Tattler was founded in 1892, and is published monthly.
perform Shakespeare, play music, and more! If you’re interested, please send an email to
rockthearts@gmail.com!
As an open forum, The Tattler invites submissions of opinion pieces and letters to the editor from all members of the community. Drop off submissions in H134, e-mail them to editor@ihstattler.com.
Letters can be mailed to The IHS Tattler 1401 N. Cayuga St. Ithaca, NY 14850 We reserve the right to edit all submissions. These submissions do not necessarily reflect the views of The Tattler editorial staff.
3
news
April 1, 2011
CHIINESE
continued from p.1
MANDATORY
continued from p.1
Out Through Spray-Painting” and “How to Express Your Anger Using Your Fists.” Unlike regular classes, it is not mandatory to attend the workshops— in fact, it is encouraged for students to skip class, which is considered to be an unconventional form of self-expression. On April 4th, students will receive notices directing them to their new study halls. If you do not like your study hall period/would like more study halls, you are advised to ask your teachers for permission to miss class for the rest of the year so you can take self-expression classes. It is said that this method works particularly well on teachers who teach rigorous classes—they won’t need to worry about you passing their classes anymore! If you have any questions regarding the new school-wide policy of mandatory study halls, please don’t ask. You are encouraged to write down your questions in your self-expression notebook.
A potential Tattler newspaper in years to come.
PHOTO/PROVIDED
The last question addressed by the board was how editors would translate the writing from English to Chinese. As all students currently enrolled in or having taken language classes would know, online translators are rarely reliable. “We are considering hiring students from IHS’s Chinese class to help out with our English-to-Chinese translations,” said Jade Fang ‘11, “but we may have to pay them the Chinese minimum wage in place of the American, which we simply cannot afford given our dwindling budget.”
reD Hair wOnDer
By URSA RUBER
School unity is the single most important thing in IHS. As seen in recent Homecomings and the degree of support we gave to the Little Red, how we all screamed and cheered during the ceremony, there is no doubt IHS students are feeling the pride. To further the immense school spirit which already exists in the high school, the administrators at IHS led an immense research project funded by Love Your School Inc., started in 2009. Administrators may now have all the answers to building the greatest school spirit ever. According to the Love Your School Inc. research project, all educators should dye their hair red, one of the school colors. Gold would also be an option, but administrators
don’t want to foster the idea that all teachers at IHS are “dumb blondes.” So, starting in fall 2011, all educators in the building will be required to dye their hair red, specifically Ursa Rouge. The color will bring greater unity and spirit to the school; in a way, the teachers will act like school-wide cheerleaders every day. Red is also said to be a very attractive color, and will hopefully make the more unattractive teachers “hot babes.” And even better, the dye lasts up to three years, thus administrators will not need to worry about constantly organizing salon appointments for all. Red tattoos and red wigs of dreadlocks, curls, or mohawks are also available for those who are bald. Hope you like Red, IHS! You’ll be seeing it often.
right send a telegram to: editor@ihstattler.com
FEVER
continued from p.1
The issue has gotten so serious that President Obama has intervened. He has called on the Health Department to educate the public on symptoms of Bieber Fever. “Bieber Fever is the loud killer,” President Obama said, “because the teenage girls who die from it are loud, high-pitched, and annoying. I want to punch myself in the face when I hear them—right in the kisser.” The list of symptoms include: 1. High-pitched, spontaneous screams 2. Uncontrolled weeping. 3. Unprovoked jealousy towards any public figure that “looks at my Biebs like some kind of hussy” 4. Forgetting, or choosing to ignore that Justin Bieber is Canadian 5. A dangerous spike in estrogen levels 6. Uncharacteristic aggression (example: Julie Stover ’11 saying: “If you hurt my Bieber bear I will cut you.”) 7. Compulsive tweeting So what does the culprit of this epidemic think? When reached for comment the only words Justin Bieber could muster were: “Baby? Baby noooooooooooooo!” With that, ten more people fell victim to Bieber Fever. It really doesn’t take much, folks: always be on your guard. It is hard to know how the Bieber Fever epidemic of 2011 will be resolved; hopefully the influxes of testosterone will do enough to combat the spread of the virus, but until then residents are warned. “These are dangerous times,” President Obama said in an address on Friday. “We know the enemy, and we have faced greater enemies in our history. We will prevail.”
for The Tattler (and make it snappy!)
Features Asians Prohibited from IHS Library By EUGENE WASP
In the previous IHS board meeting, there was a general consensus among the administrators. After much deliberation, IHS faculty members decided to bar Asians from entering the IHS library, effective immediately. When asked for their reasoning, administrators referenced an observational study conducted at UCLA by local student Alexandra Wallace. Her recent video release on Youtube, detailing her dislike of Asian conduct, provided enough evidence for the board. The recent video has been a controversial topic throughout the web and popular culture. The webcam video shows Alexandra Wallace, a perky, scantily-clad student from UCLA, vlogging about the noisy Asians in the library. The video consists of the girl mainly rolling her eyes, speaking with an upwards inflection, and smacking her lips (most likely due to a salivary gland disorder). With gifted rhetoric, she clearly defines her argument, which is emphasized by occasional guttural sounds. Wallace states that the Asians at UCLA not only speak loudly on their cellphones but also bring their entire family members to the university as well. There, “hoards of Asian people at UCLA,” have parents do their laundry and grocery shopping. Wallace further states, with pride, that Asian students should be taught “American manners” instead of having their parents prevent them from “fending for themselves.” While this highly intelligent girl appears to be ranting, she brings up a valid concern: Asian students are prone to frequent family visits. Anyone with even a slight understanding of Asian culture knows how extensive an Asian family tree can run. A couple can have anywhere from ten to twenty children, with each child bearing at least eight more children. By allowing Asian students to bring their families, they are bringing over millions of people each year into the university. Considering the total number of Asians accepted to UCLA every year, this mass migration will not only overpopulate the city of Los Angeles by millions, but also bring down the grading curve (upon which many non-Asians depend). LA smog will be even more polluted with the emissions of their transportation vehicles. As one can speculate, allowing such actions would not only have ecological implications, but also moral and ethical detriments. Having recognised this, UCLA gave a grant to Wallace in order to form an organization titled the Society for Containing Asian Noise and Causation (SCANC). This organization advocates the prevention of Asian misconduct for the betterment of American values and manners. Wallace is currently campaigning across the U.S. and pushing local referendums prohibiting Asians from using school and public libraries. A representative of SCANC set foot in Ithaca last month and convinced ICSD board members to implement this procedure. Now, any Asian caught entering the library is to be removed or escorted out of the premise. Any Asian resisting or protesting can and will be subjected to administrative hearing and have their TI-84 confiscated. An IHS sophomore exclaimed, “This is great! Now I can talk on my cellphone and hear myself! Finally!”
Drones Over Ithaca High School? By Tempest in a Teacup
The Tattler investigative team has uncovered a secret project by the Ithaca City School District to combat students cutting classes by using the most advanced defense technology. Ithaca High School will serve as a pilot project for this technology. If successful, it will then be implemented in all other school districts nationally. The implementation process will involve injecting a biometric microchip in the blood stream of every freshman entering Ithaca High School starting this Fall. This microchip will allow for the position of the student to be detected by about ten small drones, which will fly over Ithaca High School and its surrounding area at the height of about 300 feet. The drones will be the size and shape of the geese that normally fly over Ithaca, and are designed so that they will not be noticeable by most people. An official from the Ithaca City School District who does not wish to be identified noted, “The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan will wind down over the next few years, so naturally, defense contractors are looking for new business. There are already drones at the US-Mexico border, but school districts clearly offer a large and steady client base. They approached us for this demonstration project, and offered to cover our budget deficit for the next five years.” Another anonymous official quipped, “The Ithaca High School teachers are fed up
with kids cutting their classes and hanging outside the school. And the no-child-left-behind policy the Federal Government has followed cannot work if students are not in class. So we think this is the best way to solve our educational and budgetary problems, by killing two birds with one stone.” The Tattler investigative team has further discovered that the drones will be housed in a miniature airfield, located in a garage-like structure for a hangar and a driveway for a runway, at the site of the former Gun Hill Factory. This is seen as a perfect location, as it directly overlooks the High School, is on high ground to allows the drones to be launched without much notice, and is closed these days for renovation. It is also a symbolically appropriate site as a former gun factory. The pilot project at the Ithaca City School District will not be weaponized; it will simply find the exact location of the students and report it to the Principal’s computer in real-time. The tiny microchip will be implanted in Gym class, under the guise of a friendly slapon-the-back by the Gym teachers. The project is intended to run secretly for the first two years. “We hope this will put Ithaca on the map nationally as a center of hi-tech, rather than a sleepy backwater in the middle of upstate New York,” an enthusiastic official noted, adding “we will soon have the highest achieving students graduate from our School, many of whom will stay and make Ithaca a leading city for weapons development, the only thing which the US is now good at.”
LITERARY LINGUIST Eco-Oriented Words to Know By The Baconator
Congreenient The practice of recycling, or being green, only when convenient. A person who only recycles when it is convenient to do so. I would have recycled my Fiji water bottle, but my plastic bin was full. I guess I’m just congreenient. Ecoblocker A person who gets to drive in the carpool lane because they have a hybrid vehicle, yet insists on driving slower than everyone else. This is especially maddening for motorcyclists. Sorry I was late but I got stuck behind an ecoblocker the entire way to New York. Envirolicious Organically grown and tasty! These home grown tomatoes are envirolicious! Environmental-Indie-Hipster The perfect balance of everything a college student should encompass. An environmental indie hipster recycles, doesn’t eat meat, dances wildly to non-mainstream bands, hangs out in coffee shops while refusing to drink anything but fair-trade or rain forest-certified coffee, eats local/organic food, buys all their clothes from thrift stores, and at night tends to dance to funky music while by day takes university classes on how to save the world. Greengasm The warm and fuzzy feeling one gets after becoming ecologically enlightened; usually induced by listening to a ruddy south-westerner talk about off-the-grid construction, or watching a Discovery Channel film about
nature. Recycledelic Adjective used to describe something old repurposed into something awesome, amazing and wicked-smart new. Description for when one finds a cool new use for things that would normally end up in a landfill. Particularly useful when discussing thrift store fashion. Girl, your old tank top tote bag is recycledelic. Making electricity out of cow manure is recycledelic. Recyclopath A person who militantly engages in recycling and is so hostile to simply throwing away garbage, it borders on mental illness. Pejorative for an extreme environmentalist. Leigh pees in a bucket and uses it to water and fertilize her garden–what a recyclopath! Vegangelical A fundamentalist vegan who goes around proselytizing vegetarians and omnivores. A vegan intolerant of any other diet, or anyone who adheres to a diet other than a vegan diet. I was eating a Baconator and she got all Vegangelical on my ass. Vegeprefarian Someone who is for the most part a vegetarian, but won’t refuse a bit of meat now and then. They might also opt for certain meals without meat. Sally won’t eat that steak, she’s a vegetarian. Sally: Oh, no it’s okay. I can eat it. I’m a vegepreferian. Vegesexual Prefering partners with vegetarian or vegan lifestyles. I could never kiss a carnivore, I’m vegesexual.
April 1, 2011
Features
A Song with Meaning By WILLOW SMITH
an open-ended question for the listener. Do you live a life of joy, or let your life pass by, unable to ever appreciate life? (In the end, Rebecca chooses to stand in the back. It’s not every day that you come across brilliance, but today I stumbled upon a What a rebel!) masterpiece—something that changes the way you look at life forever. Something Rebecca tells us that “It’s Friday, Friday”—the moment we’ve been waiting for. that you listen to once and never look back. Yes, you guessed it: Rebecca Black’s The chorus sounds deceivingly cheery at first, but the way she says “Yeah!” and “fun, “Friday.” I, like you, was instantly moved by such mastery, but also had to ask myself, fun, fun, fun” sounds like so little fun or enthusiasm that it’s hard not to tear up at all “What does this mean?” Well, let the pain Rebecca must be expeme tell you. riencing while singing this song. The music video starts off with If that isn’t clear enough, the “Oo-ooh-ooh, oooh yeah, yeah,” next line “Lookin’ forward to the in addition to deformed depicweekend” clearly shows that Retions of Rebecca Black’s head, becca isn’t having any fun today, setting the tone of the song with which is Friday, and can’t wait for pain and struggle. The song then the weekend to arrive. Rebecca goes on to describe a typical simply wants the day to be over. morning, but the line, “Tickin’ This is again shown by the stanza on and on, Everybody’s rushin’,” in which she lists the days of the indicates that this isn’t just any week in a row. Clearly Rebecca morning—this is the morning knows her days of the week, but that symbolizes her life. Rebecca moreover, it shows that she isn’t Black is troubled by the fact that living each day to the fullest, but everyone is wasting their lives, always waits for tomorrow. running through the motions, or, From all these clues, you can as she calls it, “rushin’” while time see that Rebecca Black’s song is keeps “Tickin’ on and on.” strife with internal battles; a reNow at the bus stop, Rebecca evaluation of her life as she learns sees her friends and comes up more about the world. She sees with some interesting comments. that the world is rushing past her She describes them as “Kickin’ so quickly she can barely reach in the front seat / Sittin’ in the out and grasp life as she dreamt back seat.” These are the two opof as a little girl. At the end of the tions Rebecca Black has for life. song we listeners must re-assess “Kickin” symbolizes a life of acour lives and ask ourselves: are PHOTO/PROVIDED tion, filled with excitement and Rebecca Black making a life-changing decision in the music video for her song, ‘Friday’. “We-we-we so excited” to live life living life to the fullest, while “Sittin’” is throwing one’s life away. Rebecca Black then to the utmost degree, or are we going to be “Drivin’, cruisin’ / Fast lanes, switchin’ poses the question: “Gotta make my mind up / Which seat can I take?” This leaves lanes” for our whole lives? The choice is all yours.
School Officials Respond to Computer Hacking in College Admissions By FOO BAR
As college admission notifications are coming out, the latest polls regarding the characteristics of incoming freshmen are revealed. While admission rates have plummeted in the top colleges due to the record number of applications, polls show that computer hackers have had a significant increase in acceptance in some of the most prestigious colleges. The admissions officer from Brown responded, “I did not remember accepting so many people with advanced computer skills, but I am sure that these hackers will make great additions to our incoming class.” What was most astonishing was the incredible statistical advantage hackers had on school acceptance, an acceptance rate of nearly 100 percent for those who mastered the art. Troubling to the IHS senior class is the relatively low number of advanced hackers graduating this year. When Superintendent Dr. Luvelle Brown was confronted with this fact, he responded, “We have noticed the low number of hackers in our school system and are currently trying to remedy it. Due to these troubling numbers, we are doing all we can in order to improve the chances of our graduating seniors to be admitted to top colleges in future years.” Dr. Brown went on to cite that he is promoting many new technology programs in order to improve the computer abilities of all students. These new programs will include technology exposure in all classes. Students will be given the equipment and information needed in order to hack into the grading system to improve their grades in any given class. This will encourage students to have the motivation to learn how to use the modern hacking systems that will surely be useful later in life. Hopefully, by incorporating hacking into every class, students will be able to add hacking to their list of activities to improve their chances of acceptance in top colleges. When students were asked their opinions on the new measures to encourage hacking, there was a mixed response. One student stated, “I was planning on starting a business that advertised my hacking ability, but with this emergence of so many hackers, I don’t think I’ll be able to find many customers.” Another responded in favor, saying, “This new promotion of hacking will allow me to excel in English class in ways that weren’t possible before.” With the new plans already under way, school officials and students alike are bracing for the new concentration on computer skills. Everyone is expecting the plans to help student performance in class and acceptance into college. Hackers who are part of the senior class noted, “It only takes a brief visit to the college’s admissions website to dramatically improve your acceptance rate at any college.”
Restaurant Review: Pachel Bel By JUELZ CHILD
As I stepped into America’s finest culinary establishment, Pachel Bel, located in one of Ithaca’s more refined areas on Route 13, my stomach was grumbling and ready to embark on a gastronomical journey. My nostrils were filled with the sweet smells of disinfectant and grungy hipsters who sported their band-you’ve-neverheard-of pins proudly on the straps of their messenger bags, and oversized red headphones (that, for clarification’s sake, were purchased on Amazon.com, not at Urban Outfitters). I stepped up to the counter, ready to place my order, only to be greeted by the smiling face of Alejandro Younger ’11, who, due to his current citizenship status, was restricted to working at Mexican restaurants. The many questions I had concerning the menu’s seemingly endless variations on cheese food wrapped in flour tortillas were dutifully answered by a consistently chipper Younger, who appeared to have no complaints with his admittedly gloomy position. After deliberating for what seemed like a refried-bean-scented eternity, I decided on an authentic feast of one Grande Cucaracha, a Volcano Explosion, and a Chicken Cheese Chiuhaha. As I waited for my food, I watched the kitchen closely as employees scooped mounds of meat with a consistency similar to that of aerated cat food onto a tortilla. Doubtful, I took my orange tray (at this point loaded down with at least 4,000 calories) to one of the mopped-off tables, silently lamenting at the noticeable absence of real booths. I tried to distance
myself from the other diners’ discussions of Dada – and the downfall of American society, as represented in their 37¢ Taco Crunch Captain – and began my repast with the Volcano Explosion. As I sunk my teeth into the 0.03% percent beef filling, my taste buds were overcome with the flavor of cat litter mixed with taco seasoning. The yellow cheese product flowed like pus from the other end of the burrito. Moving on, I decided to try my luck with the Cucaracha, but as I lifted it to my mouth I spotted dark curly hair – its origin we will never know. Almost ready to leave, I decided to give the Chiuhaha one last chance, and as I bit into it, my mouth was filled finally with the glorious taste of MSG mixed with real Mexican food. Partially pleased with a third of my meal, I stood up to leave, and barely made it out the door when my stomach dropped. Never had I known that one could produce this much vomit from something other than swine flu, but I became a believer that fateful day in the parking lot. When I stepped into this unknown culinary territory, ready for a gastronomical adventure, little did I know that the evening would end in a gastrointestinal disaster. After a day of speaking to the white telephone, and upon deep reflection, I decided that I would not be returning to Pachel Bel anytime soon. While my meal cost me only $6.23, the hospital bill put my day’s grand total at $1,006.23. However: Ladies, if you are considering the newly defined and popularized “Pachel Bel Drive-Through Diet,” know that it is for sure a much more affordable solution than gastric bypass.
RIGHT email editor@ihstattler.com for The Tattler
centers
in focus: S I chool mprovement
The Quad Becomes a Habitat By HOLLY WOOD
IHS was built based on a California school design. The outdoor quad was meant to bring students into the sunny outdoors and enable them to enjoy the weather a bit during the school day. Who ever thought it would be a good idea to bring this school design to Ithaca? Now, music students heading to K-Building have to endure rain, snow, sleet, wind, or whatever else Ithaca weather throws at us in between classes. Clearly, this layout plan is not desirable nor appropriate for a school in Upstate New York. If our school were built from a more compact, efficient design, perhaps we could shorten it to two or three minutes between classes and be able to end the school day earlier. Unfortunately, there’s not much that can be done about our school’s layout now; it is already built, and is in fact spreading out even more with its distant ABuilding and new inconvenient gym being built in Deebs Field. However, what we can do is make the best of a bad situation. And the administration is planning on doing just that. The “Bring-the-Outdoors-In” Plan, as it is known to School Board members, is just in its beginning stages. This plan was the brainchild of several community members who felt that various alternative schools in Ithaca were outdoing IHS at hands-on “real experiences,” and advocated bringing more of “real life” into the classroom. Essentially, the “Bring-the-Outdoors-In” Plan is based on the idea that the Quad is unused for most of the school year. Besides the few students who traverse the paths as a shortcut between F/G/K and A/J/ C, the only time of year the Quad is used is during a few weeks in the fall and the spring when it is warm enough to eat lunch outside. Therefore, the idea of the “Bring-the-Outdoors-In” Plan is that IHS might as well make use of that sunny space by creating something academic that students could make use of yearround. Multiple suggestions have been made for wise usage of the space, but the proposal that came out on top was to make the center of the Quad into a sort of garden. Now, don’t you worry about your picnic
The Quad, prior to its transformation into a garden.
space, kids — there will still be plenty of space to eat in the grassy area in front of D-Building and near the ramp heading towards the main office. The paths encircling the Quad will remain — in fact, one will be added, linking H-Building’s path to the stairs entering the hallway between F and G. The center of the Quad is what will be transformed — into a fenced-in habitat. To simulate real life, AP Environmental Science students will take field trips to local woods to dig up plants to transfer to our own habitat. Like a sort of orchard, maple trees and pines will be planted, and a pond will be installed by the new Marine Science students (that’s a new elective that will begin to be offered in the 2011-12 academic year). A few animals will be adopted for our research purposes, including a
PHOTO/MANSI VOHRA
fox, a rabbit, a turtle, and a few squirrels. This miniature natural habitat will be an ideal study focus for biology classes, and students will have hands-on experiences as budding wildlife veterinarians whenever an animal gets injured or procreates. If, for instance, a fish were to die in the pond, that would lead to a dissection lab in class. When this plan comes to fruition in the fall of 2011, students will be able to experience nature first-hand without leaving school property. Administrators are enthusiastic about the “Bringthe-Outdoors-In” Plan, and encourage student input regarding further improvements to the plan. Students with suggestions — or any who are interested — are encouraged to attend Site-Based Council meetings for more information.
Segways for Security Guards By HAWT WHEELZ
In the coming months the IHS security guards will be adapting the use of Segways for in-school travel. The security guards seem to be very excited about this new development. “I might catch more kids without straining myself ” one commented. Segways are small, scooter-like, electric vehicles often used by business executives to get around in their often large establishments. If they were to be used in IHS they may be outfitted with a handy walky-talky holder in addition to a very loud and annoying horn. Since IHS can be considered a fairly large establishment, use of these machines makes sense. Due to the fact that Segways run on electricity, they emit no harmful gasses and do not require the use of fossil fuels. Not only can security guards be more speedy and mobile but they can reduce their carbon foot print at the same time. The adaption of this new technology sets forth some unique concerns for school administrators and security guards. If a security guard
Segways, shown as the Chinese Army’s main source of transportation.
were to persue a misbehaving student, a number of issues could arise. Guards may have to speed up the vehicle, which could potentially cause a dangerous accident or the toppling over of another security guard. “Sounds pretty dangerous to me,” commented one security guard. Another expressed concern about throwing out his back. Students may also be
PHOTO/PROVIDED
inclined to take these new vehicles for a spin while evading a security guard. In addition, liability issues remain a prevalent concern. To rich business executives, Segways may be an economic buy, but it is not the case for a poor school district. “Perhaps we should ask local businesses for donations,” offered one administrator. This idea is currently be-
ing debated. In order to pay for the Segways, vast amounts of money must be taken out of the already strained school budget. “We could cut the iPad budget,” another school administrator commented, “There’s no reason that every kid in the district should have one. I mean most of the pre-schoolers just make crayon marks on them.” The National Pre-schoolers Defense League later sued her for deformation of character so this idea was soon scrapped. Though most security guards welcome the idea, some Ithaca community members and school district administrators remain indecisive on the subject. “This makes absolutely no sense,” commented an IHS student’s parent. Is the Ithaca community prepared to deal with the new budget challenges ahead if it means lots of brand new Segways speeding through the halls of IHS? Are you willing to make the sacrifice of working on a hay bale instead of a desk just so IHS security guards can be a little bit more comfortable while they monitor you? “Yes I am!” commented one student, who is already planning a Segway escapade.
April 1, 2011
Condom Vending Machines
PHOTO/PROVIDED
Condom Vending Machines like this one will be seen everywhere, symbolizing safe sex and protection against STDs. By TRAUX JAN
A new type of March Madness has descended upon the school – or so the administration believes. In a surprise move, Principal Donald Mills authorized condoms to be sold in school vending machines. The rubbers appeared in select machines during the last week of March. “We want to encourage the kids to hold off on having sex, but if they do it anyway, we need to make sure it’s done safely,” Mills said when questioned. Of course, this raises many questions. Will anyone who goes to IHS actually get laid? Will these condoms be bought? Will they be used properly? Have they had a positive impact so far? “No,” said a traumatized Karl Mellander to the latter question. Mellander is a math teacher and has received harassment from various students, who have pelted him with the rubbery contraptions. “I turn around during class and one hits me. I walk down the halls, and if I don’t look behind me, another one hits me. It’s driving me mad. I can’t even confiscate them from students, like I could with rubber bands; they’re all in the name of safe sex.” At the time of writing, Mellander is out for his health, but is expected to make a full recovery. Other IHS staff members see the condoms in a more positive light. “I think it’s great that the high school is finally addressing the problem of unprotected teenage sex. I know many people who had unsafe sex while in high school deeply regretted it later. This was a very simple step towards combating a serious problem,” said technology teacher Ian Krywe. Students also have varied opinions about the new options in the vending machines. “The staff didn’t really make a big deal about it, so many students don’t know much,” said Nika Maisuradze ‘13. “I know a lot of people are making them into a joke, filling them up with air or water and such. I feel like if the staff had devoted two and a half hours or so to an assembly about condoms, the impact would have been much more widespread.” When asked if he had ever encountered a situation that required proper use of a condom, Maisuradze declined to comment. Other students have been more critical of condom vending machines. “This is a clear example of the school administration wasting everyone’s time,” said Tomer Grossman ‘11. “It seems like the level of sexual activity in the school is pretty low. Instead of wasting time pretending to combat ‘issues’ like this, the staff should be working on bettering our education.” The condom scenario raises interesting questions about school policy. If the school discourages sex so strongly, why are they making condoms so accessible? If the condoms are not bought up, what programs will the school cut to compensate for missing money? Is the embarrassment factor of being seen buying a condom really not going to be an issue? And, why now? The school has not given any reason for the sudden addition to the machines, and the strange nature of the change has led to confusion about the cause.
New Traffic System in IHS By STEVE JOBS
project, “It’s a massive undertaking, but it will create a more efficient school transportation system and will Oh, the horror! When you are stuck in crowded, make us the leader of technological innovations in stinky G-Hallway with that a group of students who New York State high schools. I am ready for this chalinvariably block the hall; that one kid who keeps step- lenge.” Deborah Lynn, a physics teacher, enthused, “I ping on the back of your sneakers with his feet; the love moving walkways and I am thrilled that I can use kid next to you who has never seen deodorant in her one every day.” life; the kid who doesn’t However, these walkknow when too much ways are not for fun. Axe is too much Axe; the They are merely a means I’ll-just-make-out-andof competent transportagrab-my-girlfriend’s-asstion which should be apby-the-lockers couple; propriately used by the the grumpy teacher; the student body. The Board dazed security guard of Education has made who’s checking his Faceit clear that tomfoolery book — wouldn’t you just with the vehicle will not love to have an adequate be tolerated. traffic control system? Some of the regulations Some kind of awesome are as follows: If students techie contraption that are found making-out on would keep right, right the walkways, tampering and left, left? You bet. with the device, walking Courtesy of your geeky backwards on them, ridfriends at Code Red, IHS ing them for fun, falling will adopt an LJ-023M asleep on them, picking traffic control system their noses on them, tystarting in Spring 2012. ing their shoes on them, The system, designed doing their homework on by this year’s Code Red them, giving wedgies on Robotics team, contains Signs, such as these, are soon to be added in G hallway in order them, fighting on them, PHOTO/PROVIDED moving walkways, traffic to regulate traffic to class or making obscene noislights, and a sound system. The moving walkways will es on them, a loud alarm will sound, green lights will direct students within G- Hallway, moving in three blink, and a giant net will fall upon the student’s head, ways: from K to the library, from H to K and from H capturing them for ultimate punishment and public to the library. Traffic signs will alert students when humiliation. to “embark” and when to “depart” the walkways. To Don’t fear, though! These new transportation goodensure maximum security while on the walkway, stu- ies, at a cost of $34 billion, will make the school a betdents will be required to wear seatbelts. ter place, unite the student body, make Code Red more Despite the complexity of the project, school ad- popular, and make us all obese lazy bums. And no need ministrators are very optimistic about the project. to wait too long… in less than one year, at this very Principal Mills stated at a preliminary meeting for the moment, you could be having the ride of your life.
Mascot Prospects: A bear? A skunk? A lion? No, no, no. Our school has much more class, more taste, and more of a unique style. Our mascot cannot and will not be a cliché animal or figure that all of the obviously inferior schools choose to adopt. We will stand strong and choose a mascot that fully represents who we truly are as a school and a people. As of Fall 2011, IHS will be represented by a new mascot, the one and only, Sandy the Strawberry. Meet Sandy:
IHS’s new mascot: Sandy the Strawberry!
PHOTO/PROVIDED
&
Arts Embrace your inner Van Gogh and let your creative juices flow. Grab your marker, now go!
2012 Summer Olympics Come to Ithaca By AMOLEL SCHCOARNENCS
vide an excellent attraction for athletes while preparing for their events. In order to prepare for this popular event, the City of Ithaca created the The 2012 Summer Olympics have been scheduled to take place in the Ithaca Organizing Committee for the Olympic Games to help oversee manworld-renowned Ithaca, New York. In 2004, six powerful, influential cities agement and infrastructure of the Olympics. The committee has decided to were considered to host the Olympics, including London, Madrid, Moscow, use both new infrastructure and the ancient historical buildings in Ithaca, New York, Paris, and Ithaca. After many which date all the way back to the 1900’s. examinations of all the cities by the InThe popular Ithaca State Theater will ternational Olympic Committee (IOC) be converted into a pool and used for experts, it was determined that Ithaca, swimming events such as the front crawl, New York was the most ideal place to backstroke, and high diving. Since this hold the Olympics, for it was convenient is the first time the Olympics have been and the most good-weathered location held in Upstate New York, many tempoout of the six cities. Other deciding facrary buildings, such as a gym arena for tors that made Ithaca, New York the host gymnastics, will be built along Route 13, city were the beauty and cleanliness of providing a beautiful, scenic overview of the Commons, the organic vegetables Cayuga Lake for the competitors. available, and the local hemp stores. Although many athletes are happy At Ithaca, athletes have many fine hoabout being able to host this legendtels to choose from, including the downary gaming event, other citizens are entown Holiday Inn. And since the city is raged at the idea. Many businesses will in a great location, people from many have to be knocked down and moved states only need to take a short six- or to provide room for the new construcseven-hour drive to see this event. tion for the Olympics. Many locals are Home to the Tompkins County Regional also concerned since a few woodland Airport, Ithaca also provides easy acareas, like Sapsucker Woods, will be cess for athletes coming to the Olympics cleared, cemented and paved to provide from around the globe. All athletes will room for the new arena. This could be receive a free T-Cat bus card, an exama setback for Ithaca in its goal of being ple of excellent transportation available the Greenest City in the United States. throughout the city. In their spare time, Traffic along Route 13 and other main athletes can travel to other famous and roadways is expected to increase, further interesting cities near Ithaca, like Cortupsetting many residents. Despite these land, Elmira, and Trumansburg, to get a drawbacks, the City of Ithaca is exceptaste of their exotic cultures. The educationally excited to host the 2012 Summer tional Grassroots festival will also pro- Ithaca’s historical State Theatre is soon to host the 2012 Olympics. PHOTO/MANSI VOHRA Olympics.
Marshmallow Ships Sail the Finger Lakes By MARCEL THE SHELL
For those of you who are unaware of this timely tradition, let me open your eyes to the wonders of As the weather warms up, athletes are prepar- marshmallow ships. The competition begins when ing for the annual Marshmallow Ship Competition the sacred purple duck quacks. Athletes compete in which takes place on Seneca Lake every spring. Re- teams of three, and begin the competition by buildturning champion Yudda Mann has big plans this ing a ship out of marshmallows. The only materiyear, as he plans to build his marshmallow ship in als that can be used are store-bought marshmalreplication of the Titanic. Other athletes, including lows (both large and small sizes), marshmallow Justin Tyme, have high hopes that this year will be fluff, and 53 toothpicks. Each ship design must be their year to win it all. finished off with a cherry on top. Once each team builds their ship (they are given only 10,800 seconds to do so), one person from each team brings the ship to the rocky shore of Seneca Lake. The ship must be launched when the purple duck lays an egg. Of course, none of these ships have motors, so the ships must be pushed PHOTO/PROVIDED The quack of the sacred purple duck signals the building of the Marshmallow Ships. by a team
member (who swims behind the ship) until the ship reaches the finish line. The distance that the ship must go is approximately 5.251 miles. When the ship and team member reach the finish line, the other team members will be awaiting anxiously. Then, the team must eat the ship in its entirety. The first team to devour the ship wins. This is not a sport for the weak of heart. You might be wondering: how does one get into the sport of marshmallow ship building, or, more importantly, why? Well, the sport is one that often flies under the radar, so few people know of its existence. However, the people who do compete do it for the art, the tradition, and most importantly, the grand prize of one of the purple duck’s eggs. Some might feel that an egg is an egg, but the purple duck lays eggs that, when eaten, may make someone immortal. There have been incidents in the past of competitors trying to steal the purple duck. However, the duck is a professional black belt and can defend himself quite well. While it is not a promised prize, just having the opportunity to become immortal has gotten people perfecting the art of making, and eating, marshmallow ships. This year’s competition is sure to be brutal. With Yudda Mann planning to make a replication of the Titanic, other people may not have a chance. But if the marshmallow Titanic does go down like the real Titanic, other competitors will surely be ecstatic. There are rumors that other competitors are planning to build ships reminiscent of famous World War II ships. Whatever ships end up being built this year, I am sure that they will not disappoint. To these athletes, marshmallows are not just a campfire treat – they are a reason to wake up each morning and train for the important sport of marshmallow ship building.
10
April 1, 2011
Sports Injuries: What to Watch Out For By PREP O’SITION
Sports, in case you have not noticed, can be a dangerous occupation. For every tale of glorious success there is another of tragic, and often painful, failure. We all know about the dangers of concussions and sprains, but how about these other not so well-known, but equally serious, sports injuries? The risk involved in changing the channel or opening packaging should not be underestimated by the serious athlete—look at these examples. The baseball player Glenallen Hill, an outfielder and arachnophobic, had a nightmare about spiders while sleeping on the couch. In his attempt to get away from the “big bad spider,” he crash-landed onto a glass table, leaving his body littered with shards of glass. Gruesome! An equally gross accident: Adam Eaton, Texas Rangers pitcher, was trying to remove the annoying security tape on a DVD with a paring knife and wound up stabbing himself in the stomach. Don’t underestimate making lunch, either: Bret Barberie, former infielder, was making nachos with all the spices, including chili peppers and hot sauce, but he neglected to wash his hands
after touching the ingredients. When he went to put in his contact lenses, he felt a severe burning sensation, and ended up missing the next game! Steroids and scandal have gone hand in hand across the landscape of modern sports for decades, and drugs are very much a part of professional sports today. But this is another kind of addiction: soap operas. Chalk up goalkeeper David Seaman was an addict, and his bad habit cost him. While trying to tape an episode of Coronation Street, a popular English soap, Seaman pulled a back muscle reaching for the remote. In his defense, it’s one of the UK’s highest-rated shows. And, finally: the dangers of winning. NFL touchdown celebrations have run the gamut from weird to crazy, but none were as foolish as Gus Frerotte’s festivity. After scoring in the second quarter of a game for the Washington Redskins, Frerotte went to headbutt the padded wall just outside the end zone. What he didn’t know was that stadium wall consisted of a thin layer of foam and a very thick layer of concrete, which put Frerotte into a woozy state. He was then quickly ambulanced to the hospital to get treatment for his head injury.
Varsity Quidditch By SALAZAR SEVERUS SLYTHERIN SWIFTSTICK
snitchin’ hard to beat. The way that Muggle Quidditch works is slightly different than Wizarding With the new Harry Potter movies coming to theaters and the growing anticipa- Quidditch, mainly for two reasons: for one, the sport is played on the ground and tion for the last installment, Harry Potter fans at IHS have taken their love for the not in the sky, and secondly, the snitch, rather than a magical gold ball, is a teamseries a step further. Although students have formed mini “Harry Potter cliques,” mate who is dressed in gold from head to toe and adorned with wings. Other than they’ve never been this serious about starting a Quidditch team at IHS. Even Ed these differences, Muggle Quidditch follows fairly the same guidelines as WizardRedmond, the athing Quidditch. There letic director and are three Chasers, die-hard Harry Pottwo Beaters, and one ter fan, agrees that Seeker and Keeper. a Quidditch team is All in all, like the ficneeded at IHS. When tional sport, there are interviewed, the dia total of seven playrector shrugged and ers on the team. The merely stated that, “It object of the Chaser was bound to happen is to pass the Quaffle, sooner or later...and generally a volleyball why not now? It’s a or dodgeball, up and sport that combines down the field in an intellect, skill, and, attempt to score a goal well, magical powby throwing the obers.” ject into one of three Whether you’ve hoops of the opposite memorized all the team. The Keeper’s books, love the movjob, as in the book, is ies, or are looking for to protect their team’s a sport to play in the three goal hoops. spring (even though The object of the two it’s generally a fall Beaters is to attempt sport)—be the first to sack the opposing PHOTO/PROVIDED of your friends to join Students at Middlebury College in the midst of an intense Quidditch match, similar to those soon to grace IHS fields. team’s players by usIHS Muggles’ Varsity Quidditch! You’ve stared in awe at other people racing on ing tennis rackets to fling Bludgers, or wiffleballs, at opposing players. Also, Beatbrooms at Cornell, Ithaca College, and other various schools; now it’s finally your ers seek to protect their teammates by hitting away at incoming “Bludgers” that chance to be a part of the true Harry Potter clan! In addition to practices every are flung towards them. The Seeker’s job is to capture the golden snitch,” or in this night, Varsity Quidditch enhances and admires the value of J.K. Rowling’s books. case, a golden person who is sometimes released at halftime for a more intense And to most people on the team, it’ll be more than just a sport—it’ll be a way to game.. connect with other Muggles, who, like you, spend hours in their rooms trying to If you’re filled with excitement and are dying to try out (yes, there are tryouts apparate. just like any other sport), keep your ears open for announcements made on the As for broomsticks, The United States Quidditch Association (USQA) has PA, because an opportunity like this is something you do not want to miss. Sooner kindly chipped in to provide our school with the best of the best. The two com- or later you’ll find yourself at the beginning of your first Quidditch match like missioners of the association, Remus Lupton and Minerva McGorman, both sent Harry Potter in Book One, listening to the cry of Rolanda Hooch before she blows around 2,000 Cannonfire 7000 broomsticks, which are currently locked inside the the whistle, marking the beginning of the game. Come one, come all—show your red storage facility near the tennis courts. Some Cornell students say that these love and support for the once fictional sport that has finally made its way to your brooms are even better than Flaming Unicorns—which is, as we all know, pretty high school.
PENULTIMATE The Insert
Sudoku
Apple customers are at high risk for infection. In recent news, Steve Jobs has released a statement urging Apple users to “terminate all accounts and recently bought appliances.� A newly developed trojan virus called “FE_394� was unleashed through Apple company emails, quickly spreading to the millions of Apple customers worldwide. On a global scale, experts have been frantically working around the clock in attempts to subdue the situation. John Anderson, a computer science professor from Carnegie Mellon, has concluded that the FE_394 is “an incredibly intelligent and sophisticated trojan.� His studies have revealed that over 9,000 social security numbers and millions of credit card numbers have been stolen within a matter of days. At this current rate, the FE_394 can potentially further spread to PC and Linux users. Jobs released another statement saying, “I don’t really understand how this happened or why it did. I’m doing all that I can and hope that the person behind this will be stopped. But for the time being, I urge all those with affiliations with Apple to refrain from further usage.� Recent SAT essay question is to be revoked. A few weeks ago, the SAT essay question about reality TV has ignited cries of foul play amongst students and their parents. Many students complained that the question was far too obscure or was unfair to those without television at home. Finally, after many angry letters poured in, College Board has announced that they are revoking the provocative SAT essay question. Instead, all of the students from that SAT will be given another essay question to replace it. The new test date is to be determined. (Solution on p. 2)
Datorage is bankrupt. Like Dorbers, the CEO of Datorage has declared bankruptcy. After a heated lawsuit, Datorage was found guilty of using highly dangerous carcinogens and large dosages of horse protein in the drink. After further investigations, the FDA labeled the drink unsuitable, causing the company stock to plummet. The popular beverage is expected to be taken off the shelves in the near future. The FDA later stated that any person or organisation caught distributing or in possession of the product will be punished by law.
By ARDUOUS PIETY
On the chopping block: “The world is going to end in 2012.� 2012. It’s the graduation year for juniors. Maybe it’s the year of the Dragon. Or perhaps it’s the year when WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE. However, is this actually true? Is planet Earth going to be destroyed by the monstrous sun? Are we going to be pummelled by flying asteroids? Are we going to be sucked into a parallel dimension where only Ke$ha and Rebecca Black songs exist? Many scientific experiments have been conducted by credible scientists, many of which wear white lab coats and mix brightly colored chemicals in clear test tubes. Although many lab monkeys and English cockney orphans have perished in vain over the last decade, scientists have stumbled upon an artifact which has answered this enigma. Not only does this grand discovery clearly prove our demise in 2012, but also reveals how we are to die. This ancient artifact is actually a topsecret U.S. document leaked by Wikileaks. This document, titled “SHT-9K�, was published by Vladimir Lenin of the Soviet Union in 1923. Written in Russian, it was stolen by an American spy posing as a busboy to Lenin’s favorite pelmeni restaurant. While Lenin was chewing on his pelmeni dough, the American “spilled� a glass of vodka, swiftly extracting the document from Lenin’s coat pocket. Although the American was executed for wastefulness, the SHT-9K was safely
transported to Washington D.C., where it was translated and transcribed into English by President Coolidge himself. The results were shocking. Coolidge was said to have fainted, and the SHT9K buried away in order to protect the American public. Now unearthed, the document can finally be brought to public eye. The SHT-9K states, “During the winter of 1923, Chairman Vladimir Lenin was exposed to time travelers from the future. Dressed in strange garb resembling a frumpy red sack with a hood, two strangers extended their arms to reveal a strange metal box with demonic images dancing across its front. From these boxes, white tentacles protruded outwards and attached to nodes on the aliens’ heads. As the Chairman was greatly disturbed, he ordered all secret nuclear missiles to be fired into the sky where the travelers’ ships resided. However, the missiles missed, and flew into the sky where it was unclear if they had detonated or not. On the date of December 21, 2012, these hundreds of missiles will finish their trip in the sky and impact the Earth’s surface, thus terminating all biological life.� Life, as we know it, is going to end on 2012. Say goodbye to your grandmother and begin building bomb shelters. If the Russians had nuclear warheads prior to historical knowledge, there is no doubt that those missiles are still circulating in the earth’s atmosphere, waiting to lose momentum and fall back to Earth’s gravity. The Verdict: FACT.
Expires 4/23/11.
FACT or FALLACY?
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backpage Horoscopes
By ABBY NORMAL
Aries (March 21 to April 19): Wake up! Today’s a bright, new morning and you’re going to have a wonderful day! Taurus (April 20 to May 20): You should totally talk to that hottie you always stalk. Use your best pickup line, awkwardly scribbled on your sweat-drenched palm. If they giggle, that’s a good sign. If they laugh maniacally and point, even better. Gemini (May 21 to June 20): The lunch specials today are actually edible. I guarantee that you won’t contract food poisoning. Cancer (June 21 to July 22): Teachers actually trying to make you learn? Viva
la resistance! The people have called for a new leader!
wants a pickle. Chop chop.
Leo (July 23 to August 22): When you return home today, your house will not be on fire; neither will your pet iguana.
Sagittarius (November 23 to December 21): Arise my child, you are a special and unique member of this loving community.
Virgo (August 23 to September 22): You have been granted total diplomatic immunity. March over to Lebanon and tell them where to stick it.
Capricorn (December 22 to January 19): Act like Rebecca Black and everyone will like you. Become Rebecca Black, and everyone will love you.
Libra (September 23 to October 23): Believe it or not, you have the power of invisibility. Now you can fulfill your lifelong dream of being a nudist. Try it out now.
Aquarius (January 20 to February 19): The Frisbee Club is giving out free cookies in Activities! Only available during 4th period and 7th period.
Scorpio (October 24 to November 22): The cast of Jersey Shore called. They want their season contracts back. Snookie also
Pisces (February 20 to March 20): Your lucky day is finally here! Everything you know is true.
Ask Lirpa Dear Lirpa, My least favorite holiday is rapidly approaching: April Fools. Every year, my friends pull nasty pranks on me. This year, I need to return the favor. What are your favorite pranks for the 1st? -All Pranked Up And Nowhere To Go To All Pranked Up And Nowhere To Go, Pranking is the best way to take revenge on your friends or family. The reactions on their faces are absolutely delicious. However, you must execute the prank in such a way that it will improve the relationship, and not damage it. But why not take the road least traversed? Here are some ideas to potentially ruin your social life: 1. The Classic Pranks If you want to go old school on your prankings, find a local gag gift shop. They are sure to have pounds of fake dog poop, silly string, and everyone’s favorite: whoopee cushions. However, you can get brownie points for pranking the gag shop itself. Call on April 1st and ask for all the rubber chickens they have. Then, show up with jars of pennies ... Canadian pennies. 2. Household Pranks Running low on cash? There are plenty of prank-pulling materials in your general household inventory. There is nothing more disgusting than washing your hair with Proactiv. Substitute baking soda for sugar in cookies, horseradish spread for
toothpaste, and if you are feeling really awful, substitute Grandma’s Sanka with a few laxatives. In fact, why not just tear up the whole house from its foundation and feed the dog with C4. Your mom and dad will thank you later. 3. Technologically Advanced When dealing with the Internet or technology, the sky’s the limit.... Beyond that, you’re likely to freeze to death. It’s pretty hard to breathe beyond the stratosphere. Feel free to rick-roll your friends or change the language on their cellphone to Korean. But that’s pretty lame, huh? If you want to go the extra mile, give NASA a call. Inform them that you are going to redirect all U.S. satellite communication to the Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea, unless the world pays you ONE BILLIONGAZILLION-BRIZZILLION DOLLARS. Touch the corner of your sinister mouth with an extended pinky. 4. Facebook Pranks If you are looking for a permanently recorded public prank, Facebook is the way to go. Break up with your sweetheart, and start a new relationship with their mother. Write distressing wall posts about your cat, or have a flame war with your friend. Convince a random stranger that you’re the estranged child of their father. Remember, according to the Golden Law of the Internet: Whatever happens on the Internet, stays on the Internet. To further ensure that, change your friend’s password once your wreckage is complete. Sit back and smile upon this successful day. Have A Blast (literally if you drove a car to school today),
Hummingbird Saltalamacchia
College Decisions
FRIED EGG!
Muffins without chocolate chips?
Female Asian Drivers
Asian Drivers
SPAGHETT!
Making Tattler Deadlines...
Lirpa
TO ITHACA HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS:
Butler Bulldogs
AS IT SEEMS, NONE OF YOU CHOSE TO COMPLY WITH OUR DEMANDS SET FORTH IN THE LAST ISSUE RELEASED IN MARCH: WE DEMANDED PAYMENTS OF $25 TO BE PAID TO THE NAME OF THE ‘BACKPAGE EDITOR.’ HOWEVER AS YOU IMBECILES FAILED TO DO SO, SHE HAS FAILED TO REPAY HER DEBTS TO THE BROTHERHOOD
Following Through
AND HAS NOW BEEN ‘TAKEN CARE OF.’ THE BACKPAGE EDITOR IS NOW IN OUR POSSESSION. DO NOT SEEK HER, FOR SHE WILL BE UNTRACEABLE. WE ARE THE BROTHERHOOD. WE ARE STRONG. WE ARE ONE. WE ARE EVERYWHERE.
Dadi-ism
FAIL TO COMPLY WITH US AGAIN AND PREPARE TO BE CONFRONTED. DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE OUR STRENGTH OR IGNORE OUR WORDS. WE ARE NOT A FORCE WITH WHICH TO BE MEDDLED. YOUR FEATURES EDITOR WILL COME NEXT. --THE BROTHERHOOD
The Paranormal