April 2014

April 2014 • Estd. 1892 • Vol. 122 #3 • Published Monthly • www.ihstattler.com Ithaca High School, 1401 N. Cayuga St, Ithaca, NY 14850 • FREE

IMAGE: PROVIDED

Boys’ Swim Team Finishes Season at States, Shattering Records

By FAADHIL MOHEED

Adam Piasecki (L) and Luvelle Brown (R) meet in the IHS library.

ICSD Teacher Salaries near Bottom for New York State; Fingers Point in Different Directions

By RUBIN DANBERG-BIGGS

ICSD currently faces a major deficiency when it comes to the way it pays its teachers.

Though the district boasts beautiful facilities and offers its students fantastic resources, the compensation it provides its teachers is well below average. The Empire Center for Public Policy recently released a report based on the salaries of teachers in the state during the 2012–2013 school year. It found that $50,756 per year, the median salary that ICSD provides its teachers, ranks 584th out of the total 697 school districts in New York State. This places the district well within the bottom 20 percent in the state in terms of the quality of teachers’ salaries. (It must be noted that districts in Long Island and New York City are not fair comparisons to Ithaca, and have very high salaries, but Ithaca is still about nine thousand dollars below the median salary ($59,062) for teachers in Upstate New York.) Looking at some neighboring districts, Ithaca ranks lower than Dryden, Trumansburg, Groton, Tompkins-Seneca-Tioga BOCES, and Lansing in the amount that teachers are paid, and is dwarfed by the $65,943 median Continued on Page 4.

During the weekend of February 28, the Little Red Boys’ Swimming and Diving Team participated in the New York State Federation Championship at Webster Aquatic Center.

The swim team finished its year in dominant fashion, capturing a total of 13 state, section, and varsity records.

To kick off the meet, the 200 yd medley relay team of Faadhil Moheed ’14, Noah Frostclapp ’14, Ryan Nicholson ’14, and Francis Schickel ’16 broke the state record by half a second (1:33.84) in the preliminaries, only to continue its streak during finals and break its own state record with a time of 1:33.83.

Kevin Miller ’16 finished 16th in both the 200 yd freestyle (1:44.16) and 500 yd freestyle (4:41.76), achieving best times in both events. Schickel finished tenth overall in the 50 yd freestyle (21.62), only a few places behind Nicholson’s blistering 20.25 first-place finish, earning him a new varsity and Section 4 record in the process.

Schickel also placed 20th in the 100 yd freestyle with a best time of 47.41.

Nicholson continued the Little Red success by defending his 100 yd butterfly state title with a new state record of 47.76, outpacing second place by over 1.23 seconds. Moheed finished 32nd in the 100 yd backstroke, and captured a new varsity record with a time of Continued on Page 5.

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April 2014

OPINION

Editorial The Necessity of the Dress Code Imagine yourself in a high school where there is no dress code, where all students and staff get to wear what they want, regardless of promiscuity, exposure, and offensive language or content. Can you do it? How different from IHS does it look? Does the number of total offended students go up or down? One of the most discussed and aggravating issues at IHS, right up there with the quality of the bathrooms, is the dress code. The growing popular opinion is that the dress code should be revisited and drastically changed or eradicated entirely. However, there are a plethora of reasons why the dress code is in effect and why it should work, reasons that are often overlooked by enraged teenagers. Granted, the rules are not perfect, but they should be given more credit by students.

We’ve all heard many protests over the years about what’s allowed in the dress code and what isn’t. Firstly, the entire female population seems upset about the fact that females can’t wear tank tops. When pointed out that they actually are allowed to wear them, provided that the shoulder straps have a width that is at least the thickness of two fingers, they hurriedly change their complaint to one of not being able to wear spaghetti straps. Spaghetti-strap shirts are in fact explicitly prohibited in the student handbook. But maybe it’s not just the fact that spaghetti-strap tank tops expose too much shoulder; many also have “plunging necklines” or are too “revealing” or “see-through”, making these items of clothing double or triple offenders. Students mock the prohibition of spaghetti straps by asking people if they are “distracted” or “aroused” by the presence of a bare shoulder. But take a step back and look at the whole problem: perhaps the real issue isn’t the fact that your skin is showing, but is the fact that those flimsy straps are constantly falling down so that you’re not really wearing much of a shirt at all. Or maybe it’s the fact that the thin material of the spaghetti-strap tank top lets the whole world see the exact color, style, and brand of your undergarments. And just like two-piece bathing suits aren’t allowed in the pool without a T-shirt over them, people shouldn’t be allowed to walk through the halls with similar-looking undergarments without proper coverage.

The lengths of skirts, shorts, and dresses also often become centers of attention. The official regulation as of right now is that a student’s fingertips must The Tattler is the student-run newspaper of be above the hem when the student’s Ithaca High School. It was founded in 1892 and is published monthly. hands are held at the student’s side. This rule doesn’t seem particularly fair. It poAs an open forum, the Tattler intentially defines how revealing students vites opinion piece submissions and may dress based on the proportion of their arms to the rest of their body. Of letters to the editor from all comcourse no one has any control over that; munity members. Drop off submishowever, what most people overlook is sions in E25 or email them to: the intent of this rule. There needed to editor@ihstattler.com be some sort of regulation put in place because if there were no clearly defined Mail letters to: limit, people would have the excuse to The IHS Tattler wear skirts, shorts, or dresses that are 1401 N. Cayuga St. as short as they want them to be. These short items of clothing could even gradIthaca, NY 14850 ually move towards the appearance of undergarments. This rule attempts to The Tattler reserves the right to edit all submissions. Submissions do not necessarily reflect prevent that from happening and to the views of editorial staff. keep people within a certain frame of Continued on Page 3.

2013–2014 Editor-in-Chief

Rubin Danberg-Biggs ’14 editor@ihstattler.com

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OPINION Editorial Continued from Page 2. mind. There is no intention to line up all students in the school and check if their hems and fingertips are appropriately spaced.

Now let’s talk about the fact that muscle shirts are mentioned to be prohibited twice in the student handbook, but low-hanging pants are never mentioned.

(We assume that the two-finger thickness rule applies to muscle shirts, since they are lumped in the same category as halter tops and spaghetti straps in the handbook.) We are not against equal representation (or equal enforcement, for that matter) of the dress code. And this means that, if a girl’s undergarments are not allowed to show, then a guy’s undergarments aren’t allowed to either. We’ve all seen enough guys with their pants halfway down their thighs with their exposed boxers for a small army. What we want to see is the same or similar regulations applied to both males and females. Everyone should be held equally accountable for meeting the regulations.

The aforementioned argument that people get “distracted” now comes into play. Some students want a complete change in the rules of the dress code or want no dress code at all. The arguments for this are that people shouldn’t be “distracted” by how much skin is showing or how revealing an item of clothing is. Additionally, we’ve heard that people should wear whatever they want to wear and that not even the school should be able to tell them how to express themselves. If people are comfortable being half-naked themselves, then why shouldn’t they have the freedom to do so? Here’s why: IHS is a public area. It’s just like being in a restaurant or working at a job. When you are in a public area, your job is to follow the rules that apply, whether you like them or not. You could even call it a societal courtesy if you are so against the idea of rules.

At the very least, you shouldn’t decide to make someone else uncomfortable just because you feel at ease, and then feel offended and violated when they tell you to cover up a little more in an attempt to remedy that. It’s not distracting in the sense that people mean. It’s unpleasant.

It’s unwanted. Pay heed to the rules and please, keep yourself decent.

April 2014

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Letter to the Editor I would like to clear the air about a rather concerning misconception raised

by Mr. Ned Lauber in his March “From the Head of Ned” column regarding tracking in the math department at IHS. Of particular concern is his claim that Bob Two, who is less economically advantaged than Bob One, is “locked into a track that will be very hard to move out of ” no matter how academically talented he may be. This claim is simply not true.

Many students who come to high school already took Algebra 1 when they were in eighth grade, having been on an accelerated path through middle school, and so these students start their freshman year in geometry, typically at the Honors level. These students generally go on to take Honors Algebra 2 AB or BC, which feeds into the precalculus and calculus courses as depicted in the diagram included with the article. This does not mean that only these students can take these classes, and also does not mean that these students must take this path.

Students who begin their freshman year taking Algebra 1 have the option to take it for Honors credit, and many of these students go on to Honors Geometry or Algebra 2, sometimes even doubling up so that they can take calculus by their senior year. The Honors program in Algebra 1 is specifically designed to allow students from underrepresented backgrounds to try an Honors-level math class risk-free. There is no separately meeting Honors Algebra section like there is for other levels. Students learn Honors topics through online videos, differentiated instruction in class, or by meeting outside of their regular math class with their teacher. If a student decides that the demands of the Honors curriculum are too much, no schedule change is necessary; they just stop doing the extra independent work.

We in the math department have worked very hard to ensure that all students are in a class that is appropriately challenging and fulfilling. You may call the paths that students can take “tracks” but that does not mean they are traps.

Students can and do move easily from one level to another. I have no doubt that Bob Two would be intellectually fulfilled in the math department at IHS. Sincerely, Benjamin Kirk

April 2014

IMAGE: PROVIDED

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Teachers’ pay is serious business.

Teachers’ Low Pay Continued from Page 1. per-year salary that is paid to the teachers of the Baldwinsville City School District.

This is not a new problem, nor is it one that has gone entirely unnoticed. In an interview, Superintendent Luvelle Brown said, “I don’t think any educator is paid enough. [. . .] I would love to have educators—teachers specifically—to be paid more.” Adam Piasecki, president of the Ithaca Teachers Association, described the salaries of teachers in the district as “very low; they are not very good.” He went on to say, “we’re not doing well competitively on the salary schedule.” Additionally, IHS principal Jarett Powers said that he feels that teachers “probably could be paid a bit more.”

There is consensus among all parties involved in negotiations not only that teachers’ salaries in the district are poor, but that low salaries have had an adverse effect on students in the district. Both Piasecki and Brown agreed that, by having lower-than-average salaries, the quality of teachers the district is able to attract is significantly diminished. Though many factors go into a teacher’s decision to work at a certain district, when the compensation that that district is able to provide is significantly less than that of competing districts, it can have a great effect.

Given that all parties agree that teachers are not adequately compensated, and that the effects of this are significant, the question remains: What is the cause? Unfortunately, it appears as though the fingers point in opposite directions. It is the belief of Dr. Brown that the teachers within the district are currently provided stability over short-term gains, that the way in which teachers’ tenure has been structured makes it more difficult to raise salaries without causing a significant tax increase. Conversely, Piasecki said, “as a person who has been a part of the negotiations for the last couple of contracts, when we presented the data, that doesn’t mean that the district, the Board of Education, or the district administration could necessarily find the money to get our salaries increased. It takes a lot of funds to do

that and there needs to be the want from the district, the Board, and the district administration to be able to do that, and there just doesn’t seem to have been the push on their end to be able to give it to us even though we’ve brought up this data for several years now. I’m not quite sure why they aren’t willing to do that, even though they’ve acknowledged where the salaries are. That’s what negotiations are for.”

It has been suggested that the district is unable to provide higher salaries because it receives the majority of its money from local property taxes rather than state aid; as a result, increases in the budget cause greater increases in the taxes on citizens of Ithaca. However, the aforementioned Baldwinsville City School District, whose median salary trumps that of ICSD by about $15,000 per year, also receives the majority of its money from its own personal tax levies. It is also similar in size to ICSD, serving 5663 students and maintaining a slightly higher number of staff members. Its budget for 2013–2014 actually came in about 20 million dollars lower than that of ICSD, suggesting that neither source of funds nor total budget is the ultimate determining factor for the compensation of teachers.

With major impending budget cuts and serious staff reductions, it is conceivable that the salaries of teachers in the district could drop even lower. As it currently stands, teachers are already dissatisfied by their salaries, said Piasecki. “Ultimately, it doesn’t mean you can walk out of negotiations having gotten everything that you want; that’s why there are settlements. You at least get something even though it isn’t nearly enough.” The problem of how to increase compensation is a difficult one, and although all sides agree that the problem exists, the answer remains unknown, and the blame continues to be passed.

In Other News: SAT Changes In March of 2014, the College Board announced that it will make revisions to the SAT. Starting in spring of 2016, the penalty for guessing will be eliminated, obscure vocabulary words will be cut, and the essay will be optional.

David Coleman, president of the College Board, stressed that the new test was created to focus on evidence-based thinking and skills learned in high school, and not on test-taking strategies or tricks.

Other changes include reverting back to the 1600-point scale (800 points for reading, 800 points for math, and a separate essay score), including reading passages from a wider range of disciplines (including science and social studies), and having one reading passage from the nation’s founding documents (such as the Declaration of Independence).

NEWS

April 2014

5 IMAGE: NOAH FROSTCLAPP

In Other News: Brain Team The IHS Brain Team participated in the 37th Annual High School Challenge, a trivia contest hosted at TC3.

The team competed in a preliminary round on Tuesday, March 4, and entered the finals one week later as the top seed. There, they convincingly won the tournament, topping Delaware Valley 310–185 in the final. They broke a several-year drought to become the record 12th Ithaca team to win the tournament and its grand prize of $3,000.

The team for the preliminary round consisted of Tracy Lai ’14, Andrew Robertson ’14, Casey Wetherbee ’17, and Aryeh Zax ’14, while Jensen Lo ’14 played for Lai in the finals. All played extremely well, and the team became the sixth team (and second from Ithaca) to be named to the Hall of Fame. Lo, Robertson, and Zax were all among the tournament’s top-scoring individuals and were named to the six-person tournament All-Star team.

Programming Contest On March 21, IHS students Rex Lei ’14, Jensen Lo, Connor Simpson ’14, and Aryeh Zax won the 26th Annual Invitational High School Programming Contest at St. Bonaventure University. The team solved eight of nine problems correctly in a combined total of 753 minutes. Teams were ranked based on the number of problems solved correctly and time taken. This year’s problem set asked teams to determine an optimal vacation week, identify features in a graph, compute discounts based on store loyalty cards, and verify statistical analyses. The St. Bonaventure University Computer Science Department hosted 17 teams from 12 schools in New York and Pennsylvania. North Allegheny School from Wexford, Pennsylvania, placed second, solving seven problems in a total of 630 minutes. The Dalton School from New York City placed third, also solving seven problems, but taking 20 minutes longer.

The IHS Boys’ Swim Team placed first at the Section 4 Class A championships.

Boys’ Swim Team Continued from Page 1.

54.35. Frostclapp made his breaststroke debut by placing 15th during the preliminaries, and ultimately finishing 12th overall with a time of 58.63.

The 200 yd freestyle relay team of Miller, Andrew Mikhailichenko ’16, Charles Chang ’14, and David Korb ’15 finished 32nd, setting a new best time of 1:31.82. To cap off the meet, the 400 yd freestyle relay team of Nicholson, Moheed, Miller, and Schickel finished second overall (first for public schools) with a time a 3:09.05, setting a new varsity- and Section 4 record by over one second.

As a whole, the Little Red placed second among public schools and fourth in the federation at the state championship.

The team produced four All-American qualifying swims: Ryan Nicholson qualified individually in the 50 yd freestyle, 100 yd butterfly, and 100 yd freestyle, and was also part of the 200 yd medley relay, whose members achieved the same status. The 400 yd freestyle relay team qualified for All-American Consideration.

The IHS Boys’ Swimming and Diving Team finished undefeated in dual meets with a record of 8–0, successfully defending its Section 4 Class A title.

This is the third consecutive year, and the fourth of the past five, that the team has won its sectional title. The Little Red hopes to continue its swimming success for many more years to come.

Code Red Robotics On March 20–22, Code Red Robotics Team 639’s alliance won the USFIRST Buckeye Regional at Cleveland State University. With this victory, Code Red qualifies to attend the national competition in St. Louis on April 24– 26. Team 910 from Madison Heights, Michigan created this alliance, picking Team 846 from San Jose, California and Code Red Team 639. In addition, Code Red won the Innovation in Control Award sponsored by Rockwell Automation.

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April 2014

OPINION

Opinion IMAGE: PROVIDED

Powers Deserves Powers: Mr. Powers’ Tenure

Powers deserves more power.

By ELIE KIRSHNER

In the past 25 years, only one principal at IHS has received tenure, and that was in exchange for his resignation.

The stakes here are high: tenure for a teacher or a principal is an all-or-nothing proposition; either you receive permanent status, or your time with the school is over. There is no “try again next year”. IHS has seen a remarkable 11 principals over the past 25 years, an alarming record of instability. For the foreseeable future, it should have only one: Mr. Powers.

Mr. Powers’ success at IHS can be seen in almost every statistical category. Graduation rates improved dramatically after just his second year as principal: the graduation rate for the Class of 2011 (the last year of Mr. Powers’ predecessor) was 80 percent. Last year, it was 89.6 percent, a dramatic increase. Mean SAT and ACT scores have improved over Mr. Powers’ time at IHS, while score trends at the state level have remained flat. Skips have decreased dramatically over the past two and half years (in part due to Mr. Powers’ “six skips and you’re out” policy). Concurrently, overall attendance has increased. Discipline and suspension days have also declined sharply, speaking to a greater tone shift at IHS. Of course, these achievements are a testament to the efforts of not only Mr. Powers, but also our teachers, administrators, and other staff members. Overall, I have yet to find a metric that reflects poorly on Powers’ administration. From grades and test scores to attendance and discipline, IHS is on the rise.

Mr. Powers has cultivated strong relationships with the students and staff at IHS through his passionate and approachable demeanor. At least once a day, our principal patrols the halls of IHS. I’ve watched him do this now on several occasions; he greets students and administrators in the hallways and pops his head into classrooms to chat with teachers during their free periods. Often, these interactions involve just sharing a joke or asking students how their day is going. He also takes this opportunity to listen to some teachers’ and students’ concerns and give meaningful advice or clarifications. These seemingly simple actions taken by Mr. Powers are representative of his overall impact on the school.

He is a warm, engaged, and passionate educator who has already made a difference at IHS. Mr. Powers has consistently proven that he is worthy of tenure through his personal dedication to teaching and learning. This year, Mr. Powers even returned to teaching one class. And throughout his time at IHS, he has prioritized student’s learning above all else. He frequently asks students what they learned that day with genuine interest and excitement that easily answers the question of why he chose to become an educator.

Finally, Mr. Powers has been an effective authority figure, making decisions with transparency, and always willing to explain his logic. Despite his incredibly busy schedule, Mr. Powers has taken time throughout the past two and a half years to explain to individual students and the Tattler editorial board the reasoning behind his decisions at length. He has explained the intricacies of printing, his skipping policy, and resource officers to writers of the Tattler, and he is also willing to make time for individual students’ questions as he did for me when I was curious about his choices of new AP courses. Mr. Powers and his administration’s transparent and accessible approach has been a major factor in changing IHS’s overall environment. One does not have to go back far at all in our school’s history to witness a time of racial tension, mistrust of the administration, and a general feeling of disunity. Mr. Powers has made great strides in improving our school: let’s not stop this progress now.

In order for a principal at IHS to receive tenure, the Superintendent of Schools, currently Dr. Brown, must bring the matter to a vote. If he opts not to do this, the process stops there, and the principal will not receive tenure. Otherwise, the nine members of the ICSD Board of Education (BoE) vote to decide the principal’s fate. I sincerely hope that Dr. Brown and our BoE members will recognize the positive impact that Mr. Powers continues to have on our school.

Hopefully, he will be allowed to continue to improve it for a long time to come.

I will be creating a petition to support Mr. Powers’ tenure, which will be available online and in-school.

OPINION

April 2014

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Why Racial Diversity in the Media Matters IMAGE: PROVIDED

By SOPHIA SHI

The movie 21 is inspired by the true story of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) Blackjack Team and its card-counting schemes in Las Vegas, focusing on Ben Campbell (Jim Sturgess).

The movie is based on Ben Mezrich’s Bringing Down the House, an exaggerated retelling of the actual events, surrounding a student named Kevin Lewis. Both characters are based on Jeff Ma, a Chinese-American who graduated from MIT in 1994.

Controversy erupted over the casting decisions of the movie. As Nick Rogers wrote in The Enterprise, “The real-life students mostly were Asian-Americans, but 21 whitewashes its cast and disappointingly lumps its only major Asian actors into one-note designations as the team’s kleptomaniac and a slot-playing ‘loser.’” In 21 offers movie-goers the opportunity to enjoy an action-packed plot while perpetuating racial stereotypes. response to the backlash, Dana Brunetti, a producer of the film, wrote, “Believe me: I would have loved to is a good thing, but in regards to diversity, the media tends to cast Asians in the lead roles, but the truth is, we didn’t have access give very rigid interpretations of individuals. Characters inhabit to any bankable Asian-American actors that we wanted. . . . If I very specific niches, and people try to fill those niches accordhad known how upset the Asian-American community would ingly. When underrepresented people only see themselves repbe about this, I would have picked a different story to film.” Bru- resented in a certain way, they start to believe that this is the only netti said that they were just looking for “the best actor for the way they can be seen. This one-dimensional view of non-whites role”, but it is clear from the quote that they consciously didn’t also influences majority groups in their perception of minority choose any Asian-American actors who were available to them. groups. The media tends to reinforce stereotypes that exist in the This controversy is a reminder of how narrow-minded the United States, like comedic sidekick blacks (Rush Hour), noble media (specifically, the film and TV industry) can be. Whether savage Native Americans (The Lone Ranger), suave, superficial knowingly or not, the content creators of this industry tend to Latinos and Latinas (The Mask of Zorro, Modern Family), geeks alienate the non-white individuals of the American population. from the Indian subcontinent (Mean Girls, The Big Bang TheMedia is a representation of the human existence. Themes ory), and martial-artist East Asians (literally every Jackie Chan of love, loss, fear, failure, and triumph are packaged in aesthetic movie ever). It is clear that our country is becoming more ranarratives. However, the aesthetic of those narratives is usually cially diverse, and some minorities adopt and accept American white. Any minorities represented are usually portrayed comi- culture, but these facts still have not significantly affected the silcally, antagonistically, or victimized, and it is rare to see a non- ver screen. People of all different backgrounds deserve to have white actor or actress headlining a movie in a strong character empowering role models. role. In recent years, minorities have begun to be featured in a When Lupita Nyong’o won Best Supporting Actress at the positive light, but many of these movies are either attempting most recent Academy Awards, it was a huge deal. Her eloquence, to be historically accurate, serve as biopics, be set in a foreign honesty, and Instagram prowess have arguably turned her into country, or feature an entirely non-white leading cast. Minorities the world’s newest sweetheart. Some asked why there was so still infrequently earn roles that don’t require racial restrictions. much fuss about her. In an interview with BET, Nyong’o said: What if, in 500 Days of Summer, Tom were Latino and Summer “The thing about having your image projected on many were black? The movie is, in two words, a love story, and these screens all over the world is that your image becomes somecharacters go through universal dilemmas in their relationship. thing bigger than you. It’s important for us to all have mirrors In narratives like this, which have universal themes, actors and of ourselves in the entertainment world . . . film, TV; these are actresses of all races should be cast. all cultural markers that show us what’s important to us in the The media exerts a huge influence on the American public, moment. It’s a privilege to be that image, and it truly is larger and is arguably one of our most effective teachers. Ideas that are than me.” portrayed on screen are digested and retained. Sometimes this That’s why.

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April 2014

OPINION

Pro vs. Con: Class Rankings

Valuable

By LAHAV LIPSON

IMAGE: PROVIDED

Should IHS have class rankings? I say yes. A measure of how students’ academic skills compare to their peers’ is something colleges have the right to see when evaluating applicants. While considering the fact that having class rankings as part of a college application requirement could be disadvantageous for good students who might not be the best, it achieves what a grade point average (GPA) does not. Class rankings put grades in context. How are colleges supposed to know what a B+ means at a school that doesn’t hand out As? Getting a B+ could be very good, but at a more lenient school, having a B average could be less than ideal. In essence, class rankings show colleges what prospective students were able to do with what they were given.

Not including a class average can result in college admission officers making less informed decisions about their applicants. Without class rankings, officers may be forced to guess students’ rankings, or worse. Having no class rankings also forces colleges to put more weight in standardized tests such as SATs or AP exams, which are already controversial.

Refusing to show students’ class rankings to colleges is basically saying, “I don’t want you to know what our grades mean because they’re not important,” which is certainly not the case.

Class rankings should be just as important as GPAs, and high schools have an educational responsibility to be transparent in that matter. Many parts of college applications are biased to some extent, but a good class ranking is something you can’t fake. It takes academic excellence to achieve, and, in my opinion, class rankings are the best way for colleges to know what kind of applicant they are accepting or rejecting.

There needs to be consistency in college applications; high schools that don’t provide this information are clearly putting their students at a disadvantage to those that do. Any admission officer deciding between two otherwise equivalent students would certainly admit the one with a class ranking.

Otherwise, it’s a gamble. Vagueness will not work towards anyone’s advantage.

Ranking students based on their head size is also a controversial practice.

Dangerous

By EMMA KARNES

As high-school students, our grade point average (GPA) is one our most defining academic features. A single-digit number with a decimal puts a certain weight on our achievements and gives an implication about our intelligence that can single-handedly determine our college and future. The concept of calculating quarterly GPAs for high-school students isn’t going anywhere anytime soon, but the common practice of ranking students based on this number has become controversial. According to the National Association for College Admission Counseling (NACAC), more than half of all high schools no longer report class rankings. So why the growing opposition to student rankings, and is it in students’ best interest?

Class rankings have a generally negative impact on students’ academic careers and futures. High-school students today already have plenty of pressure to perform at a high level from teachers, parents, and themselves. From quarterly GPAs to Regents to nationwide assessments like the SAT, students are graded, evaluated, and given numerical values on their academic performance every single day. These scores place constant pressure on students to perform to the best of their abilities and achieve better marks. In this way, grades can be a healthy, encouraging motivator for students to compete against themselves. But when does competition become unhealthy? I believe that competition in school should be largely self-based.

Students will perform better and feel better if comparisons are made against themselves, instead of against others. The blatant competition between students promoted by class rankings by nature can lead to increased stress, negative interactions between students, and, ultimately, poorer performance.

Class ranking can play a large part in college admissions.

For most students, its impact on the admissions process is harmful. In a large high-school graduating class, the difference between the student ranked first and the student ranked 25th can be the difference of a hundredth of a point, and yet the former student may look better to a college admissions counselor. Because of the large variations in high schools across the country in curriculum, size, and performance, class rank can easily distort the true academic achievements of a student in a way that a standardized test score will not. Many argue that to college admission boards, class rank labels students in a mostly negative way. As Jeanne Friedman, the principal of a Miami high school and chair of an anti-ranking committee, said, “When you don’t rank, then they have to look at the total child.”

Students should not be ranked based on GPA because doing so promotes unhealthy competition in high schools and often hurts students trying to get into college. All schools that currently report class rank should follow the lead of those who have stopped.

OPINION

April 2014

9

Prom Drama: Bringing Juniors Together or Tearing Them Apart?

IMAGE: LAUREN COMLY

By OLIVIA SALOMON

You’ve heard the rumors. You know who went stag. You know who decided not to go at all. You’ve seen a promposal in the middle of G-Hallway. You’ve heard about the boys who’ve asked three girls and gotten turned down each time, and you know the girls who have been doing the denying. Betrayals, broken promises, first-time jitters . . . we are familiar with them all.

But has the secret-ridden climate of the junior class resulted in divisions?

I would say no. People didn’t, from what I saw, sacrifice friendships for dates. The secrets that spread around the school, no matter how potentially embarrassing, seemed to be universally acknowledged as “just not worth getting offended over.” And no one seems to have gotten angry about a spreading rumor or an unkept secret. Perhaps these rumors do not have quite so high stakes as those of rumors during peacetime—prom was, after all, only one night. Beneath all their overblown and dramatic promposals, the juniors know that the whole ordeal was ultimately inconsequential, however exciting: and the drama is not so negative.

“Friends don’t actually grow apart after going for the same girl,” said Kevin Huang ’15. Going to prom with someone is not nearly as significant as, for example, going on an actual date with someone, so betrayals have held little importance.

Essentially, excitement ran high but emotions did not. In fact, junior prom

From left: Taylor Mangino, Alex Hay, McKenna Hagedorn, Lydia Miller, Tzipora Glaser, Catie Davis (all ’14).

seems to have brought the Class of 2015 even closer together. I have never seen more bubbly hallways, and when the bell rings, we only pause for a moment before continuing our conversations in whispers. Junior prom is a topic that, for once, everyone was equally and unironically interested in, a topic that transcended friend groups and crossed gender barriers while avoiding unpleasant negative drama.

Though the anticipation was fun in and of itself, let’s hope that the junior class’s newfound comradery survives past Junior Prom and manifests itself in future successful class events and, eventually, an absolutely perfect Senior Prom in 2015.

Want to Be an

Tattler Editor?

Applications will be available in the library in early April Elections will occur in early May Contact editor@ihstattler.com for more information.

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April 2014

IMAGE: CONOR COUTTS

Student Feature: Conor Coutts JL: What are the biggest problems facing students? And what are their greatest strengths?

CC: All students have their own set of unique problems, from having trouble graduating to digestive issues! A multitude of problems faced by students, I have noticed, stem from academic stress but are certainly not limited to it—a lot of problems start at home—one never knows truly what a student is going through in his or her home life! Their strengths also vary from being able to bench press 300 pounds to crocheting—the talents of IHS students really never cease to amaze me, and there is no doubt that each student possesses a series of unique talents!

JL: What are you planning to accomplish as a board rep?

CC: Well, ultimately I plan on accomplishing the education of the nine members of the Board (and any others in attendance—Dr. Brown especially) on how great of a place IHS is and the “back story” behind the greatness, as well as get the information on how the Board’s decisions will impact IHS and present concerns from the IHS community.

Coutts poses, unenthused in front of the mountainous landscape in Washington State.

JL: What have been your biggest accomplishments so far as board rep?

CC: Well, changing the way that information is gotten— before each meeting I try to get information from up to 30 people about the happenings of the high school—these could be students, teachers, club advisors, administrators, etc. Another thing is making my “speech” very appealing by incorporating humor and reporting on every achievement of IHS students no matter how great or how small.

Well-known friend of the people and Tattler editor Conor Coutts ’15 recently became a Student Representative to the ICSD Board of Education (BoE). I sat down with Coutts to learn more about his new role, and his life.

JL: Aside from your many roles at IHS, in what other ways are you involved in the school community?

CC: Tattler Back Page Editor, Student Archivist, Public Relations Officer for the Model United Nations Club, Link Crew Leader, varsity athlete (track and field), and, recently, representative to the Sports Booster from track and field.

Jensen Lo ’14: What are your responsibilities as Student Representative to the Board of Education?

Conor Coutts ’15: The title is pretty self-explanatory: to represent students (and anyone at IHS) before the school board.

During the designated time allotment for my “speech”, I report on things occurring at the high school with an emphasis on student opinion and achievement.

JL: What are your favorite hobbies?

CC: Well, considering that I leave my house for school at 7:15 a.m. and get back at 7:15 p.m., I don’t have a lot of hobbies.

Oddly enough, my hobbies usually turn out to be school-related items. However, some “hobbies” I enjoy doing in my “free time” are doing things with friends, procrastinating, watching movies, walking, and eating.

By JENSEN LO

April 2014

11

Teacher Feature: Nan Bell Conor Coutts ’15: Who are you?

Nan Bell: I will start with my name. I’m Nan Bell. I’m a librarian at IHS. I have been here for 17 years, longer than you have been alive. I have been in libraries for 26 years.

IMAGE: CONOR COUTTS

By CONOR COUTTS

CC: What made you come to IHS? NB: It was a family move to Ithaca. The first job that opened up was at the high school. I had taught little kids (K–5) for ten years, so it was a big switch.

CC: People often have ideas about librarians: that they are grumpy, unfashionable, and stultifying. You are none of these. Explain why this stereotype is utterly false.

NB: The first thing is, librarians are strange. We’re almost all geeks; my sister is a librarian at the University of Rochester. We have many librarians in the family, so the geekiness comes out in not paying attention to what you wear. Some librarians think that they have to take care of “the stuff ”, whether it be video, electronic books—anything.

Some people feel like these librarians’ minds have moved to the idea that the stuff is more important than the people who use it. I have always taken the approach that the people are more important than the stuff; that’s why we don’t come down hard on people who have lost stuff. We allow food and drink now, which I support: kids should be relaxed and comfortable. I think that’s where the fierceness comes from for some librarians. Keep in mind that, in the past, there used to be chained books; the librarian would watch people use those books! For some of these librarians, it suited them right down to the ground, but the thing is, it makes your patrons get sneakier. They might steal a page— that used to happen to us all the time when there were only books and they charged for photocopying.

CC: Why is the IHS library a swell place for students?

NB: It’s because of that apron-first, student-first thinking. A lot of my librarian friends thinks it’s nuts, the way we run things. Six books out at time (library club members can have ten because we know them and they’re reliable). It’s friendly because we have a good sense of human developments; at home, we call them “addlescents”. There’s a lot going on for you guys. The books that get damaged are the books people really love. They get juice spilled on them.

We’re not going to trim somebody out for that; kids need the books they want.

If it’s a book that’s kind of edgy, I’m gonna order it because all kids need their books. It’s always interesting to see what kind of books get stolen. We don’t hold grudges about stuff like that.

CC: What is the greatest mistake a high schooler can make in the library? How do you address such mistakes?

NB: The biggest serious problem is respect: some people feel that, because Mr. Heurich and I are teachers, they don’t have to be as polite to Ms. Barr or Mr. Lira as they are to me or Mr. Heurich. Big mistake—big, fat mistake. We have thrown kids out of the library— banned them; we start with a week at a time. There are students from time to time who had to be out for a full semes-

ter because they just could not get with the program: simple things like signing in—duh!

CC: What is the most exciting thing that has ever happened to you at IHS? NB: One of the most exciting things was the formation of the Gay–Straight Alliance (GSA) way back in 2001. I was a leader of it for that year. The kids were so strong and brave, and it was the first time IHS had a GSA. A couple years later, we had the lecture series on gay students and gayness, and there were demonstrators in the parking lot who thought we should not have been talking about this stuff: they were anti-gay. Another really exciting thing is the poetry slams—people’s hearts on a plate! I organize them. It’s thrilling every year.

CC: What is one event in your life that has changed you in a significant way?

NB: Getting divorced after 26 years was life-changing because I never really thought it would happen; all of a sudden, I was out there by myself. My kids were still young: 18 years old and one year old. I had to take care of them all by myself, and that’s when I got the job here. My independent life is pretty much exactly congruent at IHS, and I have sympathy for all you guys who are still growing up.

CC: What kinds of activities do you refuse to participate in. Why? NB: Team sports! I respect the people who do them: there’s a lot of art and science and thinking and being good at them, but I am clumsy. So clumsy.

Ugly clumsy. My daughter keeps saying I have to get a helmet for when I slip on the ice in the winter. I have had three concussions from stuff like that. Handeye coordination? Not so good. Ball sports I was always terrible at, so no team sports, period!

CC: What’s your favorite book and movie. Why? Continued on Page 12.

April 2014

This Month

By KEEGAN MILLER IMAGE: PROVIDED

IMAGE: PROVIDED

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1. New tool to find alien life!

Even though the James Webb Space Telescope is still four years away from launch, scientists and astronomers are continuing to figure out how to use the telescope more effectively.

An interesting suggestion is that the telescope could be used to detect dimers. Dimers are formed when two molecules become bound together without forming a new molecule.

Two O2 molecules can become temporarily bound together and, in the process, absorb light differently when compared to individual O2 molecules (monomers). An important difference in dimer behavior is that they’re more sensitive to atmospheric pressure than monomers, meaning that the presence of dimers can give clues as to the atmospheric pressure present in a planet. This is important because, as Amit Misra of the University of Washington suggests, measuring at a certain wavelength could detect whether the atmosphere of another planet is dense enough to sustain liquid water, an important requirement for life.

TF: Nan Bell Continued from Page 11.

NB: There are so many I keep falling in love with over and over again. My current favorite book is Eleanor and Park by a gal named Rainbow Rowell.

It’s brand new. The one I keep coming back to is Stuart Little by E. B. White (he wrote Charlotte’s Web). It’s a book about adolescence and falling in love and it had a mouse in it—what’s not to love?

Over the years, The Once and Future King by T. H. White I liked a lot. Movies: I like some really tacky stuff. I love Flashdance. I went to see that movie three times. Platoon is in my head, but I kind of hate it because it’s creepy. The Deer Hunter—blew my mind! (I know you like Meryl. She is the one; she is

2. Earth might have vast subterranean oceans.

University of Alberta scientists claim to have found evidence of a vast waterbody 500 km below us; however, evidence for this claim is small. A few micrograms of water were found inside a gem of ringwoodite. Ringwoodite is the most common mineral at depths of 520–660 km underground, which is known as the lower transition zone. That might not seem like a lot of water, but Dr. Graham Pearson suggests that the transition zone “might have as much water as all the world’s oceans put together.” Experiments have shown that this zone can contain up to 2.6 percent water. However, after years of studying the gem of ringwoodite with X-ray diffraction and infrared spectroscopy, they confirmed a result of 1.5 percent (water) by weight. In short, this suggests that the transition zone can contain a lot more water than previously thought.

amazing.)

CC: What is your greatest moral failure?

NB: Number one has got to be how I was not faithful in my first marriage. It’s not why it broke up. I thought he had forgiven me, but he hadn’t. So, dishonesty. And the second one that I haven’t made up for yet is occasionally trashing my kids’ dad to the kids, which is just so wrong, but I just could not keep my mouth shut.

CC: If you threw a ball, who would not be invited?

NB: Arnold Schwarzenegger. I can’t stand the bullying and the macho, and I’m not talking about politics at all.

There are some Republicans I love; my

dear grandpa was a Republican. But, the bullying, macho, strutting—forget that noise!

CC: Which came first: the chicken or the egg?

NB: Well, here’s a little bit of egocentricity: I always call my children “eggs”— I’m always fussing. I am the chicken [displays stuffed chicken]. So, there’s me, there’s chicken—that’s it!

CC: What is one piece of advice you would give to graduating seniors?

NB: I’m going to borrow this from Ferris Bueller. I don’t know how good or bad the advice is, but here it is: “Don’t marry the first person you have sex with.”

in Science

April 2014

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IMAGE: PROVIDED

IMAGE: PROVIDED

3. Close to cloning mammoths?

Researchers recently found the best-preserved mammoth to date. However, even if cloning went successfully, the mammoth would not be exactly the same as the animals that went extinct four thousand years ago. After an examination of the mammoth, scientist Viktoria Egorova said the carcass was “more than 43,000 years old and is preserved better than a body of a human buried for six months.” Based on the preservation of the mammoth and the opportunities that its DNA provides us, the likelihood of a successful cloning is high.

I think we can all agree that it would be awesome to have mammoths roaming the earth again, especially since there is suitable habitat for these large animals. Furthermore, these herbivores could be important to the ecology of the grasslands, giving them a vital role in preserving the arctic tundra.

4. First dark matter particle found?

The concept of dark matter was first postulated in 1932, but discovering what it’s made of is something that’s been puzzling scientists for years. But Professor David Cline recently told us that his research team may have found the first dark matter particle (about the mass of 30 protons). The Fermi telescope has found mysterious gamma rays that Cline believes may be emitted by these particles. Dark matter was first postulated by Jan Oort, who noticed that objects are circling the galactic plane in a way that indicates that our galaxy has significantly more mass than we can see. After studying other galaxies, the same pattern was found. There were two theories created for what dark matter really was: weakly interacting massive particles (WIMPs) or massive compact halo objects (MACHOs). The first suggests that dark matter is made of subatomic particles that don’t interact through electromagnetism or the strong nuclear force, while the second hypothesizes planets or star-sized objects that don’t emit much light or radiation, making them difficult to detect.

Common Threads

By JENSEN LO

The Art and Found Store, one of the many interesting establishments that make their home in the Commons, recently organized the Common Threads Project. I contacted Olivia Royale, the owner of the Art and Found Store, to ask her about it.

Jensen Lo ’14: What is the Common Threads Project? What do you hope to accomplish with it?

Olivia Royale: The Common Threads project was an initiative to unite the community through handmade goods.

Community members donated yarn and knit/crochet hats to the project,

and then hats were donated to local organizations and to members of the community at random. Our goal was to produce and pass out 300 hats this past winter, and we completed the goal on March 1!

This first phase of the project was entirely donation- and volunteer-based.

We really just wanted to offer something helpful to our community since we are a new store and have gained a lot of sincere support. Our next phase of the project includes selling a specific style of hat through the store’s website in order to continue donating hats to specific organizations like the Cancer Resource Center of the Finger Lakes and Project Sunshine of Ithaca College.

For every hat bought, we will donate a hat to each organization.

JL: What’s the best way for someone to help out?

OR: We are still looking for donations of knitted or crocheted hats.

JL: What if someone doesn’t know how to knit? Are there other ways to contribute?

OR: If someone does not know how to knit, they can also help by donating yarn. To support the cause, hats can be purchased at www.commonhats.com, which is also the website to show who was involved in making this project possible (sponsors and volunteers.)

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April 2014

MEET OUR PRINCIPALS Part of a Series of Interviews of Past IHS Principals by Conor Coutts

Principal Feature: Ismael Villafañe (’00–’03)

CC: Describe some of the work experiences you had before coming to work at IHS. IV: As a teacher in Austin, Texas, I taught special education, Spanish, and science.

My career as an administrator started in Austin as a director of a physical education program. Since then, I have been an assistant principal, building principal, and central office administrator in Texas, New York, and Puerto Rico. I am presently a headmaster of a private college-preparatory school.

CC: When you became IHS Principal, what were some of the problems facing IHS? IV: IHS has always been a school with strong academics. When I came in as principal, I was seen by many as “one more principal at the helm”. Prior to my tenure, IHS had had many administrators in a short period of time. The school needed stability with a principal (as principals came and left, leadership was provided successfully by the department chairs, who filled the void very well).

CC: What were IHS faculty and staff like at the time? Were they helpful or challenging?

IV: There are always challenging times everywhere. The main thing is to switch them into opportunities. The staff and

IMAGE: PROVIDED

Conor Coutts ’15: Describe some of your childhood and collegiate experiences.

Ismael Villafañe: I was born and raised in Puerto Rico. Attended school up to my B.A. on the island. Grew up playing baseball and represented the national team on several occasions, including in Central American games. After completing my B.A., I moved to Indiana to do a master’s and to Texas for my doctoral studies.

faculty at IHS were always very supportive. Any differences in opinion were always open for discussion. Once the discussion was over and the idea or project implemented, it was supported by everyone.

CC: You were Principal during the 9/11 tragedy. How did that tragedy effect IHS, and how did you cope with its effect at IHS? IV: It was a tragedy. Just like everyone around the world, we were in disbelief, and many were angered by the events.

Immediately, the administration, staff, students, and community came together to show everyone that we were still united, and, with the help of Cornell University and other colleges and organizations in the area, we offered several teach-in sessions to our school community. Ithaca is proud of its diverse community, and it was important more than ever that embracing diversity, rather than continuing to spread the hate and anger, was the key to unity.

CC: What are your memories of the Tattler?

IV: Always digging deep to search for the truth—a great tool for students to express themselves.

CC: What was the most challenging experience you had at IHS? IV: Being accepted as a principal who would stay for more than a year. My goal was always to do an excellent job (thus, to get tenure)—job accomplished!

CC: What is your fondest memory from IHS? IV: I cannot single out one particular memory. Every day was a new experience and I enjoyed every single one of them!

CC: What were the most beneficial things you implemented at IHS? IV: Wow—it’s been so long, but I would say small things, such as the addition of Latin to the foreign language department, making sure all departments were run by certified administrators, laptops for teachers, the performance of Josh Keenan Comes out to the World (okay— not a program, but a very important play performed for our students and parents), the creation of a strong administrative team, and the increase in state-test scores, to mention a few.

CC: Why did you leave your post as principal?

IV: My children (small at the time) moved to the Albany area. For me, my family is always first and foremost. As such, I needed to be closer to them, especially because of their young age.

CC: How do your experiences at other schools differ from your experiences at IHS? IV: Every place is different. For example, the schools I led in Texas were more cenContinued on Page 16.

April 2014

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Principal Feature: Charles LaBarbera (’03–’04)

CC: Tell us a bit about your personal life.

CL: I serve as a church trustee, lector, choir member, and altar server, and work on all the fundraising events with my wife to help support my church.

At the Guardian Angel Society, I serve on the Board of Directors and work on all the fundraising events. Students in need will receive tuition assistance to attend Cathedral Academy at Pompei or Bishop Grimes, Bishop Ludden or Christian Brothers Academy. I am chairman of the tuition aid committee. To ensure that students are successful, a mentoring program is in place. I meet with students on the secondary level to mentor or tutor as needed.

Other than my volunteer work, I do find time to travel with my wife. We are looking forward to planning our next trip to the Bahamas. Gardening and do-it-yourself projects keep us busy at home, as does working at our family homestead in Mount Morris. My wife and I enjoy reading and visit Barnes and Noble on a regular basis. We also enjoy visiting our son in New York City.

We enjoy attending Broadway shows and shopping. Of course, we enjoy the Syracuse University basketball and football games. The wins over Pitt and North Carolina State were fantastic—go Orange! In the summer, we also attend the Syracuse Chiefs’ baseball games.

We also belong to Gold’s Gym as Silver

IMAGE: PROVIDED

Conor Coutts ’15: Where were you educated?

Charles LaBarbera: I attended Mount Morris Central School and graduated in 1963. I graduated from SUNY Geneseo in 1967 with a B.S. in elementary education. I entered the United States Army in 1968 and served a tour of duty in Vietnam with the First Field Forces Artillery. Upon my return to the US, I was assigned to the US Army Recruiting Main Station in Syracuse, New York and immediately studied part-time for my M.S. in elementary education and special education at Syracuse University.

Sneaker members and work out and swim to keep in shape.

CC: Describe your high-school experiences and how they influenced your decision to become a principal.

CL: I was always a good student and took my studies seriously. I participated in track, and was on the school bowling team and was a member of the chorus.

In the summer, I played outfield in the local little league. In my earlier years, I played the trumpet and trombone.

My high-school teachers were excellent instructors and were supportive and considerate. I was impressed with their abilities and knew at the time that I wanted to be a teacher. I did not know at the time that I would like to become a high-school administrator. It was only after about five years as a teacher that I thought about becoming an administrator. The inspiration came from my family members, who were teachers and administrators, and the positive experiences working with secondary level principals and assistant principals. I was also in the position to be a mentor to many of the new administrators at the secondary level and enjoyed working at this level.

CC: Describe how your experiences as a Vietnam veteran shaped you into the person you are today.

CL: My experience as a veteran taught me to never take for granted the freedoms that we enjoy today. I learned to be responsible for the people I supervised. Along with this, I was determined to offer an honest and professional evaluation in order to provide the best possible outcomes. I expect the best from people I work with and will accept nothing less than that. I think only of the best, and work and expect the same from everyone I am associated with.

My time in Vietnam reinforced the fact that we must all work together as a team in order to be successful. My parents reinforced a strong sense of responsibility and the fact that we should do our best to help one another. As a veteran, I continue to live, work, and learn from a diverse group of individuals from all cultural and economic backgrounds. I try to show an optimistic attitude and greet everyone with a smile.

I also learned to never, ever give up and to be so strong that nothing would ever disturb my decision making.

CC: What kind of problems faced IHS when you became principal?

CL: The IHS campus is large and spread out, so there was concern over how to keep accurate accounting of all students at all times. Students could enter or leave school through many entrances without ever coming to the main office to sign in or sign out. We wanted to make sure students were attending their classes.

CC: What were your initial goals?

CL: My initial goals were to provide for the health and welfare and safety of all faculty, staff, students, and visitors.

I also wanted to learn more about the programs and students and get to know everyone better. I wanted to create an open environment so that everyone would feel comfortable about expressing any concerns. IHS has an excellent reputation for academics, and I wanted Continued on Page 16.

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April 2014

PF: Charles LaBarbera Continued from Page 15. to observe in the classrooms as much as possible.

CC: What is your general philosophy as an administrator?

CL: My general style is to be honest and straightforward to the administrators, teachers, staff, parents, and other personnel whom I interact with on a daily basis. I try to catch people being good and then compliment them on their achievements and efforts. When offering suggestions for improvement, I try to be positive. You have to be a good listener and observer in order to learn from others. Above all, be accessible when needed and be enthusiastic about the success of others. In difficult times, you must be strong so that nothing can disturb your peace of mind and thinking. You must be cheerful and greet people with a smile. You must be able to delegate some authority, rely on others, and have trust in people.

CC: How did the school community receive you as principal?

CL: During my tenure, for the most part, the school community was very professional and positive in its interactions with me. The parent groups, teachers, and staff were comfortable with sharing their concerns, and supported efforts to make needed changes.

Many students and student class leaders would often seek my opinion or support on certain issues.

CC: How did you harvest good relationships with students?

CL: In the fall and spring, I would eat lunch with students in the courtyard, and got to meet many students. I visPF: Ismael Villafañe Continued from Page 14. tered on sports (especially football). Each region or geographical area drives the events and activities of the community and its schools. With that said, I can tell you that IHS has been the most diverse and has offered the most complete academic experience for all of its students (academics, arts, clubs, etc.). My present

ited students in the cafeteria and made many classroom observations. The community was interested in offering a defensive driving course. It was established, and I took this class along with the 25 to 30 students who signed up.

The students were excited to have their principal as a student. Also, I met with students to discuss their concerns on a regular basis. An open-door policy was established for any student (or teacher, parent, or staff member) who wanted to see me about any issue.

In addition, in the evening, I met frequently with the robotics team to see how it was doing and spoke to the students about their goals. The team even let me run the controls on some of its robots. This was not true for the juggling team, as I was a better spectator than a participant! I managed to attend some of the basketball games and other sport events so that I was visible to the students. I attended the concerts and plays. At these events, I complimented the students and teachers on their excellent programs and effort they put into them.

CC: Recall a funny or pleasant memory of IHS and elaborate why it is so pleasant.

CL: I remember a funny incident during an assembly program where the local police department presented a program on drug education. It used specially trained dogs to demonstrate how they can identify individuals carrying illegal drugs.

The officers “planted” some drugs in my suit pocket and then asked me to be a volunteer while the dog approached me. It was a shock when the dog began barking at me and looked like he would “take me down”. The IHS students assignment, although not as diverse, is also similar to IHS when it comes to that.

CC: Is there anything from your time at IHS that you regret?

IV: Not at all. Even after all these years, I would return if recalled—without any hesitation.

CC: Describe yourself in one word.

thought it was funny and just roared and clapped.

After the program, several students came up and thanked me for being “a good sport” and the officer pretended as though he knew nothing about it.

CC: What is one piece of advice you would give to the current IHS principal?

CL: “To think only of the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best.”

CC: What are some things you have done since leaving IHS? CL: I worked as principal of Cathedral School in Syracuse the year after I served as Interim Director of Student Services in Ithaca. The school closed and merged to become Cathedral Academy at Pompei (CAP), where I was chosen to be the new principal for the next four years. I retired as principal of CAP in June of 2010.

CC: What in life is your biggest regret?

CL: I never look back on any regrets. I keep focusing on doing the best I can in the future to help others.

CC: What’s a funny joke?

CL: What kind of lights did Noah have on his ark? Floodlights!

CC: Describe yourself in one word.

CL: Sincere.

CC: What is one piece of advice you would give to graduating seniors?

CL: Graduation is the beginning of the rest of your life, so whatever you want to achieve can be accomplished if you put forth the effort and keep a positive attitude. Never, ever give up!

IV: Caring.

CC: What is one piece of advice you would give to graduating seniors?

IV: Don’t rush through life. Enjoy the simple pleasures of today. In this hectic life we all live in, sometimes we wait for tomorrow or next year or vacation or retirement to get to the projects we want to tackle. Tomorrow is not guaranteed.

Spring Playlist IMAGE: ANGEL FRADEN

By NAOMI POWERS

Finally. Spring is here, the birds are chirping, and the lifting seasonal depression is allowing us to realize that we are not actually all zombies. Let’s welcome the fresh breezes and new flowers with a playlist dedicated to calm and pleasant music.

1. “The Coast”: Paul Simon The guitar in this song is the closest you can get to lying on a beach in the tropics, sipping coconut water and dipping your toes in the sand. . . .

2. “Psychopath”: St. Vincent Either due to her recent duo album with David Byrne of Talking Heads or simply because people are now realizing her awesome music majesty, St. Vincent is moving into the mainstream. And when I say that, I mean you can sometimes hear her on WICB. Her recent self-titled album is a treasure box of smooth electro jams mixed with her classic wit and sarcasm.

3. “Home”: Jack Johnson Love him or hate him, Jack Johnson is always reliable for breezy, folky, fuzzy, inside-type songs.

4. “Coming of Age”: Foster the People Foster the People is back with a single that—gasp—isn’t just “Pumped Up Kicks” looped over and over until you forget that it has released other songs.

Its new album, Supermodel, proves that the group still has what it takes to succeed after its one-hit-wonder phase.

5. “Over My Head”: Fleetwood Mac

Spring has sprung, so serenade someone with these songs.

It’s not the Fray; it’s Fleetwood Mac. We do not speak of the Fray. This song delivers the perfect dose of pre-synthdrowned Fleetwood folk swing, calm and coherent to the end.

year.

6. “Uncle Ace”: Blood Orange Blood Orange knows how to do modern funk with just the right amount of GarageBand vibe.

10. “Moonshadow”: Cat Stevens Maybe it’s the Inside Llewyn Davis vibes that are still floating around, but Cat Stevens feels especially relevant this spring. Classic-singer-songwriter-folk form and acoustic guitar with just a sprinkling of tambourine feels like lying out in the April sun.

7. “Love Like This”: Wild Belle If you like the idea of reggae but are less enthusiastic about the genre in practice, then this is the song for you.

Lightweight synth-y grooves balance simple, sunny lyrics.

8. “Warm Water”: Banks Girl-crush-of-the-moment alert!

Banks continues to impress us with each single she releases, but in such small portions! Hopefully, we can expect a full album from her within the

9. “Lorelei”: Cocteau Twins Oh-so-dreamy ’90s indie pop—can you really ever go wrong?

11. “There Can Only Be One”: Cass McCombs The fact that this man is not secretly from Ithaca continues to surprise me. Peace out after your spring music cleanse with this low-key groove.

Shh—it’s alright: there are still a few months before winter comes back again.

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IMAGE: PROVIDED

Fear and Self-Loathing in Starling City ic book counterparts. The comic book roots are one point in which Arrow truly shines. I’m well versed in the DC universe, and Arrow does it true justice.

Count Vertigo, a flamboyant magician, becomes a schizophrenic drug dealer who manufactures and distributes the dangerous drug of the same name.

Firefly, a jetpacking pyromaniac, is portrayed as a murderous firefighter in dark gear who immolates fellow firefighters with gas and a lighter. Keep in mind that, in the comics, Green Arrow regularly works with Superman and fights aliens, yet Arrow stays refreshingly grounded.

I began my Arrow experience after deleting Candy Crush and rediscovering startling swaths of free time. As it turns out, bragging to your friends about deleting Candy Crush is only fun for a few CW’s Arrow stars Stephen Amell as the bow-wielding vigilante. days, and I soon felt the gaping void in

By KALIL HENDEL my life that could only be filled by brainless satiation. Arrow occupies an hour’s time slot, which makes it roughly 42 min“My name is Oliver Queen. For five years, I was stranded utes on Netflix. 23 episodes in the first season: 966 minutes, on an island with only one goal: survive.” or 16.1 hours. Out of three days, a weekend and a Monday, I So began a three-day ordeal of binge-watching CW’s seri- spent nearly a quarter of my raw time watching television. My al superhero drama Arrow. Arrow pulls in about 3.5 million dreams began to star the Arrow cast; I heard myself speaking viewers per episode, discounting a large number from Net- like characters from the show; a perpetual montage of scenes flix, and, no spoilers ahead, it’s not very good. Arrow holds a from the episodes flickered through my head like a promo Metacritic score of 73/100, an 83 percent on Rotten Tomatoes, for Lord of the Flies starring Batman. I’d never binged a show and has been nominated for and even won a few awards. To before, never truly committed all my free time (and some me, this indicates one thing: competence. Arrow is no doubt non-free time) to watching TV. I know that 2 percent of all competent. The action sequences are beyond stylish, the cine- Netflix users binged House of Cards Season Two the day it matography, acting, music, and writing are all composed with was released, but I’d always thought I could stay above those obvious strokes of experience and savvy. Yet, by the end of my trends. Boy, was I wrong. At first I tried yelling at the TV when third day, all I felt was tired. Sitting and reflecting on the ex- something stupid happened. When that failed to reaffirm my perience, I realized that Arrow itself had much less to do with superiority, I tried to treat the watching as an important anamy weariness than I thought. lytical look into the world of sub-par television. Finally, after Arrow stars the implausibly muscular bad-boy Stephen my farcical, pretentious excuses dissolved about five episodes Amell as Oliver Queen, known in the DC Comics source ma- in, I just gave in and held on for the ride. At the very least, I terial as the Green Arrow. He’s been stranded on a remote is- thought, I could get a half good article out of it. land in the North China Sea, and after five years, returns to his My biggest problem with Arrow is that it relegates its charfictional Starling City to kick ass and take names. Literally. His acter development almost entirely to soap opera subplots. now-dead father gave him a list of the corrupt businessmen in It’s done reasonably well, but it didn’t need to be done at all.

Starling, and Oliver uses his mysteriously acquired skills and The needless complications, the family drama, the plots and muscles to bring justice to the scum and barons of his city. The twists that distract from Oliver porcupining criminals—they show handles character snags clunkily, like why Oliver wields only oversaturate the story while adding shallow character a bow, dresses in green, and doesn’t call his damned arrow depth. The idea of a superhero soap is redundant. The life of cave “The Quiver”. In the context of the world, however, these a crime fighter is extremely interesting, and doesn’t need arhilarities feel too expected. It’s a world populated by young, tificial conflict squirted on top to make for good TV. Arrow is gorgeous people with names like Queen, Merlyn, Steele, and divided between Oliver’s life in the present day and his flashSmoake. It is possible that Arrow isn’t to blame for this last backs to life on the island. The island sequences show Oliver’s Continued on Page 19. fault: all the characters and their names are ripped from com-

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Parks and Recreation: A Review IMAGE: PROVIDED

By RENA BRAND

What show takes 36 hours to watch in its entirety on Netflix? And what show did I spend 36 hours in one week watching? If you guessed Parks and Recreation randomly or because you took an educated guess based on the title of this article, you would be correct. If you are judging me based on the information I just revealed, you would also be correct. I didn’t set out to watch 36 hours of TV in a week—it just sort of happened, and, in all honesty, I’m not ashamed, because Parks and Recreation is literally one of the funniest shows I have ever seen.

The show takes place in Pawnee, Indiana, which has the distinction of being the Paris of America as well as America’s fourth most obese city. The show’s focus is on the local government’s Parks and Recreation Department. Headed by Ron Swanson (Nick Offerman), a man who doesn’t believe in government, all of the department’s works falls to Leslie Knope (Amy Poehler), who is the main character and the most enthusiastic American ever.

The show chronicles her attempts and plans to make Pawnee the best it can be. The other characters in the show are the other Parks and Recreation employees, who form an extremely eclectic and inefficient group of people. Together, the characters and their many misadventures make for hysterical television.

The success of the show draws from

Leslie Knope and her department in Parks and Recreation.

the reliability of the characters and the social commentary that is presented in such an amusing way. Each character has a distinct personality. This allows viewers to connect with characters. The characters are very human and represent the everyman: they are not world-class Olympians, they are not working in the White House, and Leslie Knope is not the President; they are members of local government and average Americans in an average town. That’s what makes it so funny.

The social commentary is also one of the best qualities about the show. The show is about the government, and any show involving the government has to involve some satire. Parks and Recreation does, and it’s great. For example, Ron Swanson hires April Ludgate (Aubrey Plaza) as his secretary because he knows that she will

Arrow: A Review Continued from Page 18. transformation from party boy to hardened vigilante with deft character development based on important actions and hard choices. The rest of the show falls prey to classic soap opera thickeners like miscommunication, secrets, and illegitimate children. Oliver’s first year on the island has many of the things the main show lacks: direction, purpose, and best of all, brevity. The writers could learn a thing or two from themselves.

Will I keep watching Arrow? Yes. Don’t judge me. Will I keep bingeing it? Absolutely never again. At times, I found myself watching Arrow to wind down from a particular-

scare away any people interested in talking to him. It’s honest in its representation of the government, but because Leslie Knope is so enthusiastic about America and its government, the commentary is always followed

by Leslie’s unbridled love of the system and her contagious hope for the future.

I would recommend this show to anybody who likes a good comedy, especially those who are fans of The Office. I would say that people who are interested in the show should stick with it through the first season (it’s only six episodes). It’s not that the first season is bad; it’s just that the show doesn’t really hit its stride until the second season. Also, I don’t recommend watching the whole thing in a week: you might feel a bit ashamed after.

ly stressful episode of Arrow. I try to live by the philosophy that all pleasure (entertainment) should immediately alleviate pain (stress, discomfort). Reclining and enjoying some bad TV after a stressful workday is all well and good; treating entertainment as the main course of your day is less so. Having these experiences—the zero-sum day, the catatonic lethargy, the lingering feeling that you’re just searching for things to distract you before you inevitably die—I can now say with certainty that I wasn’t missing a thing. Arrow is a procedural, with nothing to say or teach. Watching it must be done honestly, with the open admission that you could and should be doing better things. Oliver Queen never spends his nights in the arrow cave killing brain cells, and look at all he’s done.

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A&E IMAGE: PROVIDED

Joaquin Phoenix stars as Theodore in Her.

Her: A Review

By SOPHIA SHI

Her is a romantic comedy-drama that explores love and loss in the modern world through a relationship between a man and an artificially intelligent operating system. Helmed by director, writer, and co-producer Spike Jonze, the film stars Joaquin Phoenix as Theodore Twombly, a solitary, introverted man whose job is to write intimate love letters for other people. He downloads a brand new operating system (OS) designed to talk, respond, learn, and adapt. Recoiling from a recent divorce, he requests that the OS be female.

The OS (voiced by Scarlett Johansson) names herself Samantha, and begins to interact with Theodore. Samantha manages his emails, gives him reminders, and keeps him company. She is everything Theodore wants in a woman, and they begin a relationship. What follows is an offbeat, charming, eye-opening 126-minute examination of human relationships in a technologically driven society. Her was nominated for five Academy Awards, including Best Picture, and won one for Best Writing—Original Screenplay.

Although it is set in 2025, the film imparts a sense of visual timelessness. If you combined Andy Warhol’s high contrast, Piet Mondrian’s geometry, and Mark Rothko’s saturated colors with the most flattering Instagram filter ever, you might get a sense of Her’s aesthetic. The production design is intoxicating, from the sets to the software to the profanity-laden video game that Theodore plays after work. It is almost too artificial, serving as the perfect backdrop to a story about disconnect. On paper, the idea of a human falling in love with a computer is borderline ridicu-

lous; however, this movie transcends that concern because Johansson injects such a human character into Samantha’s voice. You don’t doubt for a minute that Samantha doesn’t also have thoughts, feelings, and fears.

Her makes some bold and haunting statements about how we love and interact with people, both on and off the Internet. With social media, we are constantly interacting, but not so much connecting. The people of Her are disconnected, floating in a sea of other disconnected people, searching for an organic, meaningful state of mind. There is a scene that takes place on a subway, where every single person is casually looking down with his or her computer earpieces in, listening to the electronic baggage of his or her life. The thing is, this scene isn’t just an imagined view of the future—it is also a commonplace observance in public spaces today. But the love that the characters yearn for is still the same one that we know. The film explores the differences between an ideal versus a real partner and how separation helps people evolve.

Among high-school students, I think that Her would only be appealing to a niche audience. If you are looking for an original, artistic, thoughtful experience, I definitely recommend Her. However, if you are just looking for a quick escape with a linear plot and generic happy ending, or if you only like to take art literally, you might not like this film. Her was not designed to be a summer blockbuster, a special effects gala, or an action-packed commercial movie. It is a film that explores large, modern, relevant questions about relationships in our society. It is a human story.

IMAGE: PROVIDED

This Month at IHS 2/25: 14 IHS cross country team members recognized for having highest average grade point average (GPA) of all fall sports teams

Coach Way (L) poses with Coach Bernstein (R).

Coach Feature: William Way

By CONOR COUTTS

Conor Coutts ’15: Who are you?

William Way: Bill (or Billy or William—take your pick) Way, long-distance coach for the IHS track team, and assistant cross country (XC) coach with Coach B. CC: What’s your general approach to life?

WW: As succinctly as possible. . . . I take what I do very seriously, but I don’t take myself very seriously. In other words, I put a high degree of effort into everything I do, but am also a pretty big goofball.

CC: How did high-school sports impact you?

WW: High-school sports had a tremendous impact on me. I could talk for hours about it. But, so I don’t bore you, I think I could summarize it best as follows: they taught me about the collective strength found when a group truly comes together as a team. They also taught me a lot about working hard

while keeping things in perspective.

CC: What brought you to IHS as a coach?

WW: When IHS’s former distance coach, Erin Dinan, moved up to coach at Ithaca College full-time, Mr. B got in contact with me through Dan Craighead (an IHS and Ithaca College XC / track and field alumnus) and asked me if I wanted the spot. Initially, I was pretty nervous about it, but since I started, I have really enjoyed it here at IHS (with the track team and as Mr. B’s assistant coach for XC). There is a great sense of tradition and camaraderie here.

CC: What achievements have IHS distance runners made since you began coaching?

WW: All of the kids whom Mr. B has coached and whom I’ve worked with during track have improved over the years. Personally, I don’t care if someone’s the top guy/girl on the team or the last runner on JV; I think there’s a lot to be said for working hard, getting stronContinued on Page 22.

3/1: Ryan Nicholson ’14 finished high-school swimming career with four state titles at New York State Swimming and Diving Championships 3/1: IHS broke its own state record in 300 yd medley relay 3/1: IHS broke state record in 400 yd freestyle relay, winning state championship 3/1: IHS broke state record in 200 yd individual medley (IM), winning state championship 3/1: Richie Burke ’15 wrestled to fourth place in state 3/9: IHS varsity boys’ hockey finished second in state (Division 4) 3/18: JV basketball players Jelani Fontanez ’15 and Steven Stage ’15 named STAC all-stars

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IMAGE: PROVIDED

The Washington Redskins’ Name Change

By CHRISTINA CONSTAS

Since 1937, the NFL team that represents Washington, D.C., our nation’s capital, has been known by the racist and derogatory name of the Washington Redskins. The phrase “redskins”, as well as the team logo (which depicts a caricature of a Native American man), supports a sentiment that racial or ethnic stereotyping is acceptable for the sake of team or sport spirit.

Within the last year, the Redskins’ name has stirred controversy. Native American groups and organizations, individual activists, and political leaders have demanded that the team change its name and logo. However, team owner CF: William Way Continued from Page 21. ger, and improving relative to where you started out.

Daniel Snyder has fought these demands and, in May of last year, told USA Today, “We’ll never change the name. [. . .] It’s that simple. never—you can use caps.”

Supporters of the name believe that it represents the traditions and values behind the team. Former Redskins owner Jack Kent Cooke feels that the name “stands for bravery, courage, and a stalwart spirit”. Other individuals feel that the fan base of the team would suffer if the name were to be changed. However, if the Redskins’ fan base were as strong as the Redskins claim, fans should have the willpower to continue supporting the team through a name change.

Critics of the name state that the name is offensive to many people, Native athletes can do for themselves?

WW: Have fun. Plain and simple.

CC: What strategies do you use to achieve excellence in your athletes?

WW: Generally, I try to help them tap into goals that get them genuinely excited. Once they can feel that, it’s just a matter of working hard (but being smart about their workload too), being patient, and keeping things in perspective.

CC: Why is running your sport?

WW: Racing is excruciatingly painful, but the sense of accomplishment that follows it is indescribable: it’s so rewarding. I also really like running because it gives me an excuse to get outside and explore. I love to run on trails and back roads in the middle of nowhere. Last, but certainly not least, as a runner, I can eat dessert every night and not gain weight!

CC: What’s the most important thing

CC: Why is the study of sports psychol-

American groups in particular. Maryland delegate C.T. Wilson explained that, “[‘Redskins’] is not an honorific title. It comes from the scalps that were required to have red skin on them in order for Europeans to collect the bounty for dead Indians.” This point definitely stands as evidence against Cooke’s claims regarding “bravery, courage, and a stalwart spirit”. Some argue that the name “redskin” can be compared to the N-word, a word that is viewed as a very harsh and offensive term in modern society. Oneida Indian Nation representative Ray Halbritter said, “The use of such an offensive term has negative consequences for the Native American community when it comes to issues of self-identity and imagery.” “Redskins” is a term that should not be used in day-today speech, and should not be allowed to continue to desensitize the American people in the way that it currently does as a national sports team name.

In recent months, the issue has been formally addressed by the D.C. Counsel, Congress members, and President Obama, who all support a name change for the team. Hopefully, this pressure will cause Snyder to make the right decision. The Washington Redskins should change their name in order to end the trend of racism and racial bigotry that exists in the United States. Surely, the team of our nation’s capital can lead the way in this endeavor. ogy indispensable?

WW: Among Yogi Berra’s many popular quotes is: “Baseball is 90 percent mental; the other half is physical.” I think that really applies to every athletic endeavor. I personally believe that the mind and body are connected, and to perform at an optimal level and a consistently optimal level, you have to train them both. When you watch the Olympics, everyone there is in optimal physical condition. When tenths of a second separate those on the podium from those who aren’t, it seems like the mental edge is what makes the difference in such high-pressure situations.

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Wacky Sport

By CHRIS SKAWSKI

IMAGE: PROVIDED

Imagine sitting on a bench.

Okay, wait—no. Imagine sitting on a couch, but like, sideways? Or longways, I guess? But it’s moving.

It’s also much larger than a couch.

You know what? Never mind.

Imagine you’re riding an elephant. ...

If you’ve ever been rich, you know the game of polo and the associated animal, the horse. This month’s wacky sport is much like regular horse polo, except it’s even snobbier because it has its roots directly in European imperialism! When the British, during their whole “the sun never sets guv’nah” thing in the 18th century, made it all the way to a subcontinent we now know as the nations of India and Pakistan. When they arrived, they needed a game to play. Polo was already large in Britain at the time, but due to the inability of transporting horses in large numbers across oceans, they needed a substitute. The Indian elephant is smaller than its African cousin, so the beasts actually made reasonable substitutes for horses.

The pitch in elephant polo is smaller than regular polo. Originally, the game was played with a soccer ball, but this was changed to a regular polo ball. The sport is now extinct, due to its colonial roots and the high rate of goring.

Elephant polo in action.

The Mets high-five after their one win last year.

The Win Column: MLB Predictions

By OWEN HARTMAN

With baseball season right around the corner, Americans are on the edge of their seats to see who will come out on top. At the very least, people are ready for a sport to fill the gap between football seasons.

I love baseball. No other sport in America has as deep a history as this one. Every team has devoted fans whether they be die-hard “see we don’t just like them for Pujols” Cardinals fans, or the ever devoted “middle-school dropout” Phillies fan.

Below are my well-researched predictions for this upcoming season.

1. The Pirates won’t suck again.

My grandfather has watched almost every Pirates season since the ’70s, and I don’t know how he does it. They have been absolute trash for decades and now they are finally decent, so I am predicting that they will have a winning season this year and possibly half of the season next year. A stretch, I know, but they wouldn’t give me a column if I weren’t smart.

2. A Phillies fan will do something stupid.

Philadelphia sports fans are the scum of this nation. No other city can claim to have a pack of oversized second graders making up the majority of its sports teams’ fanbase. It seems as though the fans get stupider every year, and it only makes their team more infuriating to look at. All I can hope for is that they will have a season even worse than last year’s and drive their fans back into hibernation to wait for a time when they are good again.

3. The Mets will make the playoffs The New York Mets are the underdog team of the year, and, well . . . every year.

After a string of disappointing seasons since 2007, the Mets finally seem to have a stable team this year. Only one of their key players is injured, and they finally have a somewhat passable bullpen. Also, the NL East is a cesspool of mediocrity at the moment. A team of little leaguers using whiffle bats could be a contender in that division. It’s not even funny.

April 2014

IMAGE: NOAH FROSTCLAPP

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SPORTS least. Each of those teams made it to its respective state championship. As athletics director, you have the final say on what gets put on Facebook/Twitter and what doesn’t. By that fact, it is undeniable that the incredible publicity difference between these three sports is solely on you. But more importantly than these statistics is an email that you sent out to a fraction of ICSD staff members involved with athletics.

An Open Letter

Dear Ms. LaRoche, As an athlete, I am motivated by many things: my coaches, my teammates, and even alumni of my sports team. But more importantly, I am filled with motivation when other athletic teams at IHS excel. When varsity cross country sends eight athletes from states to federations, to regionals, and when varsity soccer wins its sectional meet and contends for the state title for the first time in decades, it motivates each and every athlete entering into the winter sports season. A world in which you are surrounded by athletes is a good one, and I am very grateful to be encompassed in such a world.

When it is the winter athletes’ time to shine, a little publicity never hurts.

With that in mind, a lot of publicity does. Over the last week and a half, the @IthacaLilRed sports Twitter account has seen a flurry of activity.

From game updates, New York State Public High School Athletic Association (NYSPHSAA) retweets, and uploaded pictures of athletes doing what they do best, @IthacaLilRed’s online activity has hit its apex. Since February 28, which is regarded as the start of the winter sport championship season

by NYSPHSAA, there have been 97 tweets related to boys’ varsity hockey, 14 tweets about boys’ varsity swimming and diving, and six tweets about boys’ varsity wrestling. To me, that numerical range is shocking, to say the

“This morning, boys’ hockey beat Scarsdale 6–4 to advance to the NYSPHSAA state championship game.

Congrats Paul, Dan, and Ron! Your hard work, passion, and commitment to your program is an inspiration. Please join me in Utica at the arena tomorrow at 12:30 to cheer our boys to a state title.

We have fan busses leaving tomorrow at 9:45 a.m. from IHS for any staff or student who would like to attend. Please encourage your teams to come to the game, we would like to fill the arena with Little Red fans!

If you can not make the trip please do one of these things to support the hockey program: 1. Send your athletes.

2. Watch the game on TWC or listen on ESPN 1160 and cheer loud!

3. Send good winning vibes to our team.

Remember, when one team wins a championship, we all win. Go Little Red!”

It doesn’t take an English major to see that favoritism and bias cloud your words. When the boys’ soccer team made it to the semifinals of regionals, where was the inspirational email?

When the girls’ swimming team went to states at Ithaca College—3.5 miles away—why weren’t you or any other administrators in attendance? If the superintendent and athletics director can manage to drive over two hours to see the hockey team play, what is the excuse for not driving seven minutes to see other athletes compete on the same level?

For a district that prides itself on equality and impartiality, the growing trend of playing favoritism in athletics

among administrators is appalling. Off of the ICSD main page is this mission statement for IHS: “Ithaca High School strives to enable all students to develop their talents, abilities, and interests.”

The bias that favors some sports and not others is discrimination. It is unfair, preferential, hurtful, and simply unprofessional. While I applaud your support for the boys’ varsity hockey team, I am saddened by your treatment of other equally important athletic teams. When any sport has such high accolades, it should receive the kind of publicity and revere that the hockey team received. Rallying for school and community support is something that should be done for all athletic teams when they have the potential to make history.

Your words are true: “When one team wins a championship, we all win.” At IHS, there are a lot of teams that have incredible performances.

They do have positive impacts on our school and community, but only a select few are actually recognized for their triumphs. Speaking as a future alumnus, I would love to see increased student, teacher, and administration attendance at all of our school’s athletic events. I hope this letter has a part in making that dream a reality.

All the best, Noah Frostclapp ’14

LUVE

LUVE Aries (Mar. 21–Apr. 19): Despite your digestive mishap at the meeting house, you’ll still write that enticing young-adult novel about stone-cold fox Ayn Rand!

Horoscopes to a pasture and cry.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22): Big things await you this month—beware!

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22): Buying the “hottest” new Immanuel Kant album is not advised for a littlun like you.

Taurus (Apr. 20–May 20): At the pescetarian meet ‘n’ greet Julie made you go to, you’ll meet an overly zealous hand model who will beat the crud out of you with a lobster tail. Good times!

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22): Beware of sassy zookeepers this month. If you encounter a sassy zookeeper unprepared, he or she may try to attack you using glitter pens and blunt objects made from papier-mâché.

Gemini (May 21–June 20): You will attend a “Seamstresses Anonymous” meeting and get really bad food poisoning.

Blue’s Cluesvelle Brown

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19): As an ambitious person, you will attempt to pursue great things, like creating a support group for disgruntled proctologists. But you won’t always succeed.

Coolvelle Brown

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18): It’s a new season and a new you: you will take a respite from your parttime job waxing large humans and take up forest-fire watching. But wait—you’re an insomniac.

Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21): You won’t get that one thing you need . . . but you will get a nice case of trimethylaminuria.

Cancer (June 21–July 22): After watching a really awkward “recital” that simply comprised some songs in gibberish and excessive pelvic thrusting, you decide to go out

the sleeping patterns of the Bloods and the Crips, you will collapse.

Pisces (Feb. 19–Mar. 20): You will try new and exciting activities like cooking. Unfortunately, due to the lack of a kitchen, you will have to cook out of a hot plate in your closet.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21): After listening to an eight-hour long lecture on

Duvet Brown

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Tool Belt Brown

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UNLUV

E

The Washington [Insert Name Here]

By CHRISTINA CONSTAS and CHLOE SNYDER

SPORTS

Since 1937, the national football team that represents Washington D.C., our nation’s capital, has been known by the racist and derogatory name of the Washington Redskins.

Below is a list of names that we see as appropriate replacements: • Washington Potatoskins • Oneshington Direction • Washington Bronies • Washington Washingtons • Washington but First Let Me Take a Selfie • #thewashingtonballerz • Washington White Gurlz in da Club • Washington Whales • Washington Doesn’t Love Minorities • Washington White Socks • Washington Women (a Football Team Supporting Equal Rights for Women) • Pocahontas • Washington Zombie Slayers • Washington Wigwams • Washington Winners • Wonderful Washingtons • Washingtons in Wonderland • Washington Football Team • Washington Blueskins • Washington Purpleskins • Washington Big Guys in Tights • George Washingtons • Washington Senators (nobody watches them anyways, right?)

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April Fools’ 2014

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March Madness Continued from Page 29.

Rest assured: I have a solution. Leave it all to chance.

Not just any chance—flipping a coin won’t cut it. Create an elaborately designed method of randomly selecting one team over the other. My parents and I have competed for a small amount of money every year since I was 11. For the first three years, I beat both my parents and earned bragging rights in the process. As I’ve grown older, however, and watched more “bracketology” (the study of how to create a successful bracket) on television, I have performed much worse. My mom, who watches more college basketball than anyone I know, has never won, while my dad, who only watches during the tournament itself, has won for the past three years. The obvious conclusion, then (please, Mr. Anderson, no post hoc ergo propter hoc), is that the less you know, the better you will do.

During the 2010 World Cup, Paul the Octopus was eightfor-eight in selecting winners. Paul would choose from two boxes of food, each representing one country’s team.

Don’t plan on using Paul for this year’s tournament matchups, though, because Paul died of natural causes in October 2010. Instead, I recommend taking your time to find a method that suits you. Having trouble coming up with an intricate selection process of your own? Have no fear, because I am here with a list of possible methods to make your bracket the billion-dollar winner.

• Find two sticks, assign a team to each, and throw both over the Falls to see which one makes it down first.

• Tweet @IHSTattler1 and we will ask our own personal oracle.

• Sit by the road with your bracket and, for each matchup, wait for a car that has the colors of one of the two teams. The first team color to pass is your winner.

• Wait for Dr. Dre’s Detox to drop before filling out any selections (not recommended).

• Watch ESPN and choose the opposite of its selection for every game.

• Assign a team to a character in The Walking Dead—if the character lives, the team makes it to the next round.

• If the temperature in Ithaca is over 60 degrees by the time you fill out your bracket (ha!), pick any team with a Devil as its mascot (Arizona State, Duke, etc.).

• Decide (or ask a friend) which team has more attractive players.

• Select the team with the angrier-looking coach.

• In the unfortunate (and all-too-frequent) circumstance that a seagull poops on you in the quad, rule out all teams with bird mascots.

• Let your baby sibling and/or Jesus take the wheel.

• Use your TARDIS or Time-Turner to travel to the future and see who won.

• If all else fails, tweet @luvelleb for a 100-percent-accurate bracket, guaranteed*. *Not guaranteed. Do not sue the Tattler. Do not sue Dr. Brown (although we do not doubt his abilities).

Still racist. Backwards, but racist.

28

April Fools’ 2014

IMAGE: PROVIDED

SPORTS

Teddy Winkler: Man, Machine, Tiddlywinker

By ILL I TAROT

Photo actually taken in 2014. Black and white makes everything look old.

Serious Sport Time: A Regular Old Sport by the Name of Baseball

(which has its origins in the mid-14th century, when French clerics would play a game involving a bat and a ball, but now is played with two teams of nine (and a bench) wherein one team is “fielding” and the other team is “hitting”, which necessitates the use of two unique pieces of sports equipment— the bat and the glove—which are not used at the same time by members of the same team, so that when a batter hits a ball, it is fielded by the other team, which will try and prevent him from reaching the first of three bases (not counting home plate, where the batter stands) by throwing the ball to that base before he reaches it; the speed at which they can do this is determined by how far the batter hits the ball, and successful hits can be anywhere from a single (one base) to a home run (all bases); baseball of course, being a sport played by the major league between April and October, with the playoffs and championship game, known as the World Series, being played in September, October, and into November, between the best team from the American League and the best team from the National League, an event which is watched by many every year.)

By CHRIS SKAWSKI

This time of year is hard for us all. College decisions are coming back for many, AP preparations begin, prom is looming, and finals are right around the corner. But no one has a harder spring than Teddy Winkler ’09, IHS’s lead tiddlywinks player. Spring means competition, and competition means hardship. Recently, the Tattler got a chance to sit down for a conversation with Winkler, to try and find out just what this rigorous sport truly entails.

Ill I Tarot ’14: So what exactly is tiddlywinks?

Teddy Winkler ’09: Man, it’s a freakin’ rush. That’s what it is—it’s one heckuva sport. You gotta squidge the winks into the pot while avoiding possible squaps. It gets pretty crazy, dude.

IT: How long have you been playing tiddlywinks?

TW: Oh man—since I was way young, man. My dad got me into it. And I’ve been playing ever since.

IT: Why was your dad so enthused about tiddlywinks?

TW: Well, my dad was a big winker in the ’80s, right, but playing Russia for the gold at the OlympiIT one year, he got this wicked cramp. Had to quit the game. He never really got over that, so he really wanted me to get into it.

But I love the game, man, so it’s all good.

IT: How has tiddlywinks affected your life?

TW: It’s been my life, man. That’s all there is to it, dude.

Like I could be at home, studying right, and I’m just flippin’ winks. Like constantly. My ex even left me because she said all I cared about was tiddlywink-ing. But I had to practice. You feel that, right bro?

IT: I feel that man. Can you tell me a little more about last year’s season?

TW: Oh—totally. Last year was a roller coaster. See, we came out the gate strong, right, pulling dubyas right and left. That’s a good team. We flipped each other’s winks, tiddled some gnarly assists. But then Winker Tiddleston pulled his hammy. Couldn’t compete. Me and Todd Winkerson tried to keep it up, but without Wink, bro, we fell apart.

IT: Absolutely tragic. Any thoughts about this year’s contest?

TW: Lansing is gonna be tough this year—I can say that.

Their captain once potted three winks at once. But Wink’s leg is back in business, and we’ve been training real hard, so I like our chances.

This Month at IHS 2/20: Annoying track athletes clog weight room 2/24: IHS baseball players begin preseason workouts, start changing TV channel by hand instead of by remote

March Madness: How to Fill in Your Bracket IMAGE: PROVIDED

3/1: IHS students swim at NYS championships, get wet from prolonged exposure to water 3/10: Student playing knock-out in gym could “totally make the team next year” 3/15: Students who hadn’t previously cared about college basketball begin to act like they know everything about college basketball 3/16: Annoying track athletes still clogging weight room 3/20: Random IHS male heard bragging loudly about “how awesome [his] bracket is” 3/20: Random IHS male heard weeping following Dayton–OSU upset 3/21: Fans look to boring early season baseball as brackets are crushed nationwide 3/24: Annoying track athletes still clogging weight room 3/27: Ultimate Frisbee Club meets for the first time in months. Absolutely no one cares.

3/31: Mr. Carver still not over Duke upset: “I didn’t like them; I just thought they’d win.”

4/1: Quiet kid in back of class somehow has perfect bracket, lauded as second coming of messiah

By NICHOLAS BOGEL-BURROUGHS

Almost every sports fan has seen the ESPN commercial warning viewers to “choose wisely” when filling out their brackets. The many suggested methods include throwing darts at balloons, observing a baby’s tendencies towards stuffed animals, consulting tarot cards, or building a “Robo-Bilas”. Sadly, these techniques seem to be more accurate than the most detailed analysis of teams.

For those of you who tune out anything with the word “ball” in it, March Madness is slang for the NCAA basketball tournaments that decide the best team in men’s and women’s college basketball. The men’s tournament includes 68 teams, and runs from March 20 to April 7, while the women’s tournament has 64 teams and runs from March 22 to April 8. The best part of March Madness—besides watching the teams play—is filling out a bracket and predicting the winners of all 67 games. Every year, friends, coworkers, families, and anonymous Internet users stack their brackets against one another and hope that they picked the most games correctly. This year, Warren Buffet has offered one billion dollars to anyone who submits a flawless bracket. Don’t get too excited, though, as DePaul University math professor Jeffrey Bergen has estimated the odds of a perfect bracket to be one in 128 billion “if you know something about college basketball”.

Continued on Page 27.

The Best of Nickelback: A Playlist

By NICKEL POWERS

One of music’s unique qualities is its ability to remind us of special times in our lives. We sometimes seek out certain artists that can transport us through our pasts, songs that bring back small tears of nostalgia for days long gone. One of these times, which none among us can deny missing, is the pleasant era of middle school, and in memory of that joyful spring of our youth, I present a playlist dedicated to one of adolescence’s most emotionally and psychologically pertinent bands: Nickelback.

3. “If Today Was Your Last Day” Not only is this playlist a way to celebrate the joys of pubescence and fine music, but it also doubles to provoke deep thoughts about life. Play this nIcKeLbAcK song at half volume from your phone speakers during philosophy class to encourage interesting and profound discussions.

4. “Rockstar” If you thought The Great Gatsby or The Wolf of Wall Street was good, you obviously haven’t heard this masterpiece. The one percent life never felt so good. Recent studies have also shown that exactly no one has referred to the upper class as the “one percent” since before Occupy Wall Street.

6. “Photograph” Photography was invented in 1996 with the release of Dollar Front’s debut album, Curb. Consequentially, the first photograph ever is of the enigmatic two yellow lines we all know and love, which divide the road into its two sides.

But which side is wrong, and which side is left? Where is the road going?

Will we ever know why Subway bread contains yoga-mat elasticity chemicals?

2. “If Everyone Cared” Piano intro? This one’s a tearjerker, folks. It’s alright—reach for that next tissue. What if everyone cared? What if everyone just went outside at night and looked at the stars and realized how beautiful the universe is? But only I do; no one understands me, no one except Nickelback. Maybe I should buy a pair of galaxy-print leggings to start teaching the world.

5. “Something in Your Mouth” Should I point it out? I’m going to keep looking at it even if I don’t. Ugh— it’s so gross. Is that spinach? Why does it look moldy? I’m so embarrassed for you right now.

1. “How You Remind Me” Even just starting off this mix, I can already feel the warm breezes of pubescent angst returning. The sweet feeling of having absolutely no idea of who I was, being teased on the bus for having severe acne, wondering if my crush across the room liked my new limegreen Aéropostale T-shirt . . . wouldn’t you give anything to go back, too?

These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. . . .

7. “Lullaby” Look at this photograph every time I do it makes me laugh every time laugh photography look look laugh photography every time this Nickelback.

8. “Burn It to the Ground” As the most popular song off Fivepence’s pinnacle sixth album by around half a percent on Spotify, this song is probably awesome. It also marks a milestone in the history of Things Named Dark Horse, joining the ranks of George Harrison’s Solo Record Label, That One Movie That Was at Cinemapolis in 2012 with the Fat Guy Who Worked for His Dad, and That New Katy Perry Song with the Weird Jeffrey Dahmer Reference and Remarkably Stupid Music Video.

9. “Animals” Some animals are cute and fuzzy, while others are mean and poisonous.

Humans are animals too, even though we often deny our identity due to the negative implications it may hold. So what is this song actually about? I haven’t actually listened to it, but there might be something on Wikipedia.

Disclaimer: No actual Nickelback songs were listened to in direct association with this article. No playlist writers were harmed in its making.

April Fools’ 2014

31

New SAT Better Predictor of College Success?

Mwahahaha.

IMAGE: PROVIDED

By Sweet ‘n’ Lo

Last month, the College Board announced a major rethinking of its flagship Swimming Aptitude Test (SAT), saying that its exams did not focus enough on college- and career-readiness. Its president, Cavid Doleman, released a statement saying that college admissions exams have been “moving on an increasingly divergent track from material taught in American high schools.”

In another major initiative, the College Board plans to give low-income students fee waivers to send SAT score reports.

In addition, to close the gap between the upper-income students who have access to swimming instructors and pools and the low-income students who do not, the College Board has partnered with Khan Academy to provide free online instructional videos to help them learn swimming technique.

The changes made to help realign the SAT to the Common Core are numerous. Swim strokes that were formerly used only on the SAT, like the obscure flailing frog and bisected koi, are being replaced with strokes commonly used in college competitions, like the butterfly and the breaststroke.

In the swimming theory section, students will no longer be required to judge and correct the swimming technique of another swimmer. Instead, the section will focus more on practical knowledge, like what to do if you’ve fallen off a boat into ice-cold water.

The new exam will be graded on a new 1600 point scale, with maximum scores of 800 in swimming technique and 800 in the new “Swimming Theory and Critical Survival” section. In addition, the previously mandatory essay is now optional, and will have a separate score.

Although the SAT was once the standard exam for college admissions, it has increasingly become supplanted by the Athletic Certification Test (ACT), which was designed to follow the high-school curriculum.

The design of the new SAT is not likely to win over its critics. After all, over 55 percent of classroom teachers believe that the Swimming Aptitude Test is a poor predictor IMAGE: RUBIN DANBERG-BIGGS

SAT: the test to take if you want your dreams to die.

of future college performance. Many universities have gone test-optional, allowing students to submit additional supplements as part of their applications to replace the SAT. On the other hand, others have been supportive of the changes. “I think that these changes are going a long way towards providing a 21st-century test to match our own efforts in creating a 21st-century school,” said ICSD superintendent Luvelle Brown.

Anderson’s Class Continued from Page 33. dopey, stumbles from the room. It is now that this story, old as time itself, must come to a close. The class has finished, the clock has struck midnight, and Mr. Anderson is taking a bow. It is now that you, the audience member, must stop to reflect on the meaning of your life and the extent to which you take joy in what surrounds you. Such is the effect of the class—such is the effect of life itself.

Fin.

IMAGE: JANET BOWMAN

IMAGE: JARETT POWERS

IMAGE: LUVELLE “BIG LUVE” BROWN

IMAGE: MARK NELSON

IMAGE: JANET ABOWD

Teacher Selfies

April Fools’ 2014

32

The Best Exotic Richard Anderson’s Class IMAGE: RUBIN DANBERG-BIGGS

By OHNO THISCANTBEHAPPENING

We open: darkness! Silence falls over the class, like dew on an springtime meadow, as anticipation builds. The podium remains empty, devoid of the subtly intimidating presence that marks this performance, but the weight of the impending entry falls heavy upon the minds of all that inhabit the room. Slam! The door opens and the dulcet, melodic tones of Richard Anderson, better known to his students as Dicky A., echo through the room, as their owner begins the solemn task of condemning his students for failing to obey the instructions that he very clearly thought about on his way in. Disapproval spills over from this perennially blazer-clad educator as he stalks to his position in front of the captive audience, who has no idea of what is to come.

Surprise is the element of this performance that sets up the emotional roller coaster that its participants will ride.

With no idea what to expect, these people are vulnerable to twists and turns that define a day with old Richard the Somewhat-Tart. (Hey—this is clever. Read a book. Hippy.)

The stage is set for a moving experience, as students are asked to take out their books and reflect on the previous night’s reading by creating a representation of the author’s intent through a thorough painting of their own faces. As the students begin to share their work, A Team strides to the center of the room and strikes a bow-legged pose, fingers pressed hard against his mouth, preparing to blow the mind of the person speaking. He will allow the person to speak, but only until he believes the person has sufficiently applied the mental sunblock necessary to protect his mind from the golden rays of philosophizing, ponderance, and submission (lowercase S) that he is about to unleash upon him. The words he will use he will use advisedly, and the listener will know he has used these words advisedly because the listener has been told that he will be using them advisedly.

We have reached the 30-minute mark of this prolific endeavor, and you, the audience member, are in a stupor. You don’t know what’s happening, you don’t know how you got here, and you certainly don’t know where you’re going, but you know you like it. Your mind is a haze of dirty jokes, tangents, and diatribes. There is so much that you don’t know, but at least you understand that these unknowns are known unknowns. You have sipped from the cup of endless knowledge and have been assaulted by a complete sensory experi-

“This is how Hamlet works, right? Guys?”

ence. Lingering on your tongue is the taste of the cupcakes you were tasked with baking with the purpose of analyzing everything by David Foster Wallace; ringing in your ears is the Irish ballad that was sung by Anderson when he felt the class was lacking in melody; aching are your arms following the push-ups you were required to do for sitting too still.

(Note: this happens.)

Now, finally, the conductor of this harmonious symphony is startled back into reality by the ringing of the final bell.

Not once has he known that this was coming, and never will he truly know at what time this class ends. His class, enraptured and amazed, dumbfounded and awestruck, tired and hungry, sleepy and grumpy, sneezy and bashful, happy and Continued on Page 31.

34

April Fools’ 2014

OPINION

From the Bed of Ned: Relationship Advice for the Troubled Soul IMAGE: PROVIDED

Peregrine falcon: a model of an admirable love life.

By NED LAUBER

while. Many would say that this is your opportunity. Take the falcon to the prom. This is the wrong course of action.

Take another bird—a sparrow, pigeon, or even a dove.

This will ensure that the falcon becomes very hot and very bothered. Now, all you need to do is wait; now that you’ve pissed off the falcon, it will almost certainly ask you out.

Asking people, animals, or inanimate objects out is a lot like applying to college. You need to take tests, fill out paperwork, and pay an application (prostitution) fee. Most importantly, it is always important to apply to multiple colleges. If you really want to go on a date with a reach school, make sure you ask out a couple safety schools. If your reach school “admits” you, you can easily abandon the safety schools that you “applied” to.

The final piece of advice I will offer you is a modern variation of the age-old adage: YOLO. My advice is equally simple and profound. YOChO: You Only Cheat Once (per relationship). Generally, you’ll only have one opportunity to cheat during each relationship you are in: when you get to the point in a relationship where you are comfortable enough with your partner that you are ready to cheat on them. You need to make sure you are cheating on your partner with the right person. The right person is someone very attractive. Why? You’ll probably only get one chance.

I hope this advice has been helpful to you. If you have any praise, compliments, or stories of success, please email WhosInNedsBed@gmail.com. If you have any concerns or criticisms, please don’t.

You may think that you have good social skills, solid relationships, and a decent life. You are wrong. I’ve met hundreds of people in my life, and approximately 99 percent need basic relationship advice. If you are the 99 percent, read on. (If you are the 1 percent, just buy a relationship.)

Your friends and relatives probably tell you that, if you are interested in someone, if that someone is a boy, a girl, or a cat, you should talk to them, spend time with them, maybe even ask them out. In actuality, this is the exact opposite of what you should do. If you are romantically or sexually interested in someone, you must quickly stop spending time with them.

Why? The answer is simple. If you like someone, and you spend time with them, they probably won’t be bothered. You need your love interest to be bothered. If they’re not bothered, they’ll never become hot and bothered.

Allow me to provide an example. The end of the school year is approaching, and so is the senior prom. You’ve been crushing on this particular peregrine falcon for a

Disclaimer: This advice is very real and very effective. Following it will guarantee you a lot of success in your future romantic endeavors. Be prepared to be overwhelmed by a lot of people who are hot and bothered.

write email editor@ihstattler.com

OPINION

April Fools’ 2014

35

Opinion

April Fools’ Day Why April Fools’ Is the Best Thing Why April Fools’ Is the Worst Thing in the Whole Wide World in the Whole Wide World On April Fools’, people who don’t usually prank other people scheme up pranks to play on others. And that is why April Fools’ is great: for someone like me with an extremely busy schedule, it offers a chance to joke around at places that are typically serious and with people who typically wouldn’t. I still remember my first April Fools’ day experience in kindergarten, when a classmate of mine went up to me and said that there was something on my shirt.

When I looked, he screamed “April Fools’!” Even though I liked it at first, the more I thought about it, I realized that he taught me why April Fools’ sucked, and I learned how to tolerate idiotic “jokes” thrown at me for an entire day. April Fools’ is intended to be a fun day, but the vast majority of the time the quality and execution of the jokes is very poor.

So that’s why I’m encouraging everybody to just stop doing April Fools’ Day. There are always other moments when two strangers can share a laugh, a class can prank their teacher on any day they want, and joking and pranking are near universally accepted if you make your intentions clear to the recipient. I hate April Fools’!

On April Fools’, people who don’t usually prank other people scheme up pranks to play on others. And that is why April Fools’ is great: for someone like me with an extremely busy schedule, it offers a chance to joke around at places that are typically serious and with people who typically wouldn’t. I still remember my first April Fools’ day experience in kindergarten, when a classmate of mine went up to me and said that there was something on my shirt. When I looked, he screamed “April Fools’!” Even though I didn’t like it at first, he taught me the meaning of April Fools’, and I learned how to take a joke and incorporate a sense of humor into my life, at least for one day. April Fools’ has a lot of potential to be a fun day, and there isn’t much downside to a few harmless pranks to jazz up a person’s life, right? That’s why I’m encouraging everybody to enjoy a safe yet creative April Fools’ Day. It’s a moment for two strangers to share a laugh, for a class to work together to prank their teacher, and a great day to try out a prank you’ve always wanted to do without worrying about others misinterpreting your intentions. April Fools’!

By RAYMOND XU

By RAYMOND XU

IMAGE: PROVIDED

36

April Fools’ 2014

NEWS

Brown v. Board of Education: Strapped for Cash, District Turns to Cage Matches to Raise Funds IMAGE: PROVIDED

By HEEL FACE

Luvelle Brown sizes up the competition, is not impressed.

April is the cruelest month, and also the month of the ICSD budget. At the March 11 Board of Education (BoE) meeting, the BoE unveiled that, next year, the budget is shrinking by a dramatic $4 million. To make up that substantial difference, ICSD is turning to an out-of-the-box and innovative way to fund-raise that doesn’t involve ridiculously high property taxes: cage matches.

The cage match is one of the oldest forms of art, and it has a rich history. Getting off to an auspicious start on June 25, 1937, the modern cage match uses chain-link fences, much like those found on the playgrounds of today’s youth. The first of many BoE matches will be fought in an open-topped, 10-foot tall cage in upstairs K-Building, and see Mr. Superintendent Sir Dr. Professor Luvelle T. Brown take on the entire ICSD BoE. A team wins by increasing diversity, decreasing adversity, establishing conversity, going to university, having all its members escape over the top of the cage, or performing a triple-smack jelly sandwich lockdown.

“I’m going to knock these suckers out of the cage,” Brown said before cracking his knuckles menacingly.

Brown is the favorite going into the match, as he is the only person who works in the BoE building who has been spotted in IHS’s Strength and Conditioning Room, which is in its second year of use. His workouts are rumored to be the only time—including while he’s in the shower or in bed—that he takes off his suit. His massive guns have been clocked in 70 pounds each, and are thought to have caused Governor Andrew Cuomo to push gun control legislation recently.

The idea of using such a violent pastime to raise money for children’s education is controversial, and has raised many concerns.

“It’s just not right,” said BoE President Rob Ainslie, who assured us that he was definitely not just afraid to take on the unstoppable force known as the Browninator. “Think of the children!”

To address these concerns, the BoE has assured district members that the match will be held in the safest conditions humanly possible. All participants will have three individual bubbles, hand-cut from the finest bubble wrap, for self-defense, and all participants will wear cotton candy boxing gloves. There will be five pool noodles left outside the cage, completely inaccessible to the combatants. Finally, if Brown takes an early lead, the BoE members will be encouraged to achieve their full potential by an engaging, stimulating, 21st-century remedial cage match course.

“I understand that this is a nonstandard move,” said Brown at the March 25 meeting, when the plans were announced. “But you have to understand that we’re a nonstandard district. The future of innovation-education lies here, and we’re going to have to make some bold moves and stick our necks out a little. Also, Rob Ainslie forgot to compliment my suit at the last meeting.”

In Other News Due to a tragic misunderstanding, IHS was sent $1500 worth of high-grade laxatives when a new employee was asked to order “lax equipment”. The laxatives will be made available in the cafeteria and in the foyer outside of the gym on days when Dominos is not available.

NEWS

Tattler Amazes Writers at First Writers’ Meeting, Leading to Steady Source of Writers for Whole Year: A Report In a stunning move, the Tattler came into the 2013–2014 (school) season with guns blazing. In an unprecedented move, the staff incentivized the entire group present at the first meeting by telling them how 80 percent of the current Tattler staff would be leaving at the end of the year. Motivated by the future threat of college applications, new writers flocked to the Tattler scene. These writers were eagerly met by all section editors, who, for the first time in the Tattler’s 121 years in print, did not have to write multiple articles for their sections. Jensen Lo ’14, Editor-in-Chief (of the Features section), could do nothing but smile, which is a bad example, because that’s what he normally does.

Critics originally cited the inability of the possibility of becoming an editor on the Tattler of being motivational due to the length of time between the first meeting (September), and election of editors (June). The Tattler counteracted this by having fun, newspaper-related social events including “Pin the Preposition on the End of the Sentence”, “Move Old Couches into the Tattler Office”, and “Start a Grammar War Between Owen and Aryeh”.

That’s not the only way the Tattler secured its writership.

“One way we keep writers’ meetings interesting is having 20-minute discussions about our brackets,” Chris Skawski ’14 noted. To be clear, he was not referring to the NCAA bracket, but the Wacky Sport Tournament. He also remarked that it was “the best idea [he’s] ever had.”

But no one can express everyone’s joy as much as ultimate frisbee player Aryeh Zax ’14, who said, “Although two years ago, I was the only person interested in being Copy Editor, last year, seven people listed it on their applications. With the influx of new applicants, I expect 25 people to want it next year. This is because the growth rate is exponential, even though I can’t tell that from only two data points.”

IMAGE: ARYEH ZAX

Zax assures us that his math is perfectly valid.

April Fools’ 2014

37

New AP Courses to Cover Unfortunate Gaps in School Curricula

By AYE PEE

More than 80 percent of Advanced Placement (AP) students have been found to have developed unhealthy habits that prevent them from utilizing their college education to their full potential. Certain educators are furious that recently-implemented Common Core standards have grossly underscored many key elements for students’ successful careers. To counteract this, the noble and hardworking administrators at the not-for-profit-just-kidding-we-actually-make-a-lot-ofmoney-by-charging-$89-testing-fees-per-test-per-student-and-by-calling-AP-Physics-C-two-tests-and-byhaving-a-monopoly-on-high-school-testing company, commonly known as the College Board, will, starting next year, offer AP Modern Dance, AP Loud Music Theory, and AP Partying.

Educators hope that these classes will help build the social skills that many students fail to acquire and master in high school. AP Modern Dance’s unit three goes over the fundamental techniques and requirements to perform the universally accepted and widely appreciated dance/ art form known to Miley Cyrus fans as “twerking”. The curriculum explicitly states that “no student who has not twerked is ready for a wholesome and educational college experience.” When asked for input on all three of these courses, famed expert and local bridge-dwelling hobo-troll Ayemso Hyiiegh breathed, “Dude . . . you gotta . . . like . . . chill out . . . bro. . . .”

However, opponents of the new classes have raised important counter-claims to the issue. For example, AP Loud Music Theory will not cover dubstep, which critics argue is an essential portion to Loud Music culture.

Everyone who currently owns a set of Beats headphones commented, “That’s bullsh*t!”

While AP Partying has been mostly well-received, its three-hour AP exam has stirred concerns. To get a five, students must entirely screw up their lives in three hours, which may or may not possibly be a bad idea in negative or nonpositive uncertain circumstances. However, those who have taken the online version of the course have cited that their ability to perform tasks involving ping pong tables has shown significant improvement, a necessary life skill (which has incorrectly not been enforced in the Common Core) that seems to be associated with overall happiness and number of trips to Las Vegas.

Nevertheless, these stellar courses will provide college credit in all schools except all schools.

38

April Fools’ 2014

OPINION

Letter to the Editor My Vision for Our Technological Future IMAGE: PROVIDED

Luvelle “Big Luve” Brown.

It has recently become clear to me that, despite my frequent dissertations on the subject, no matter how crucial to the affluent instigators of a rampagingly connected society of broadening eclecticism, the members of this here fine school district are not totally clear on how I envision the future of technology in preparing our children for a 21st-century world. I aim to rectify that immediately.

We will go the extra mile to bring both injective and surjective, and hence bijective, technological integration to the district; we have to remember that, in this 21st-century world, it is indispensably essential that our students understand the many nuanced features of one-to-one learning. With that in mind, the district is soon to roll out its brand-new iReaders, jPhones, and kTablets.

When working with technology we must use adverbs, not adjectives. When I hear “fast”, I think of an adjective.

Here in the district, when we hear that word, we think of an adverb. Adverbs are the focus. Adverbs modify our verbs, which are crucial for interacting with our nouns, like whiteboards, blackboards, Blackboard, greyboards, Greyhounds, Kindles, and, of course, Boards of Education.

We will strive for a 1 : 7 : 2/3 : 14 : 11 student-to-mi-

crowave-to-teacher-todevice-to-computer ratio, which studies show is optimal for a cohesive learning enviroplan. We have gone the extra mile to resustainabilize our lagging infrastructure and make ICSD into a cutting-edge school district in terms of our big long-term avatar-based goals. We have seen a logarithmic increase in our effective district bandwidth capacity over the past few months, which is among the best rates in the nation.

This will facilitate a more broad-minded, holistic approach to our highstakes science, technology, engineering, and mathematics (STEM) Common Core outreach program, with diminishing returns in both the physical and mental sciences.

We must also strive to prepare our students to make the same bold steps that I have made. In the coming years, AP Calculus will become mandatory, and students will be taught technological integration in addition to the standard Riemannian type to prepare them for an ever-changing world. This will be aided by an increase in staff diversity and benefits packages, which properly incentivize the best and the brightest to provide equity to future innovators, builders, and, most importantly, Thinkers.

We need our teachers, educators, staff, instructors, adult thinkers, and other personnel to be involved in the truly innovative culture that we’re fostering here in ICSD. Much like a tetrahedral snake, we must be on the cutting edge of all innovation. I believe that, with a broad-minded and qualitative assessment of our look towards future prospects, posterity will find great wisdom and productivity stored in our evidence-based diversity of learning networks, which will maximize our interaction with outmoded modes of thought.

Your Superintendent, Big Luve #excellence

OPINION

Editorial We Can’t Complain We here at the Tattler have been known to, in the past, be pretty negative in our editorials. It seems that all that gets printed is a complaint or criticism of one school policy or another. We’ve had suggestions to change our name to “The Whiner: Nothing That’s Fit to Whine About”, “The Crybabies”, “Why Are You Asking Me This? Who Are You?”, and “That Paper That Whines a Lot”.

Needless to say, the people who read the Tattler often lack creativity.

This month however, there is no complaining editorial. There is no whiny editor typing away to try and flesh out some perceived wrong. And don’t read this wrong; some of the editorials in the last year have been on some pretty good subjects, things that needed coverage (see last month’s NHS and college editorials). It’s just that now, moving into April, we’ve whined ourselves out.

We have no serious qualms with anything that’s happened around IHS this past month. Good job everyone—not even we could find something to moan about.

According to the boss, Rubin Biggy-Dumdum, articles have to be a certain length, so although this article really has nothing to say, it must go on a little longer. There will be nothing interesting happening for the rest of the article.

This was just a chance for the Tattler to express that there truly weren’t really any wrongdoings policy-wise.

Since no one is reading this far anyways, here is a bit of comedic suicide: explaining the joke. Yeah. You read the whole thing and found that, in fact, we here at the Tattler aren’t very funny. (Well, except for Rubin. Just Rubin.

He is the only funny one. This was not edited or changed in any way from the original version. We all believe that Rubin is very funny.) This article itself is funny, though, because editorials are so often seen as complaining. Editorials offer the editorial board a chance to put forward a unified opinion on an issue that we feel is important to the school. This editorial, however, proclaims that we don’t have anything to whine about. See—we do have range in our articles.

The Tattler is the student-run newspaper of Ithaca High School. It was founded in 1892 and is published monthly.

write

As an open forum, the Tattler invites opinion piece submissions and letters to the editor from all community members. Drop off submissions in E25 or email them to: editor@ihstattler.com Mail letters to:

email editor@ihstattler.com

The IHS Tattler 1041 S. Seneca St. Danby, NY 14883 The Tattler reserves the right to edit all submissions. Submissions do not necessarily reflect the views of editorial staff.

April Fools’ 2014

39

2013–2014 Iron-Fisted Controller of the Press

Rubin Danberg-Biggs ’14 editor@ihstattler.com

News Ninja

Rex Lei ’14

news@ihstattler.com

Iron-Fisted Controller of Thought

Elie Kirshner ’14 opinion@ihstattler.com

Dr. McNinja

Jensen Lo ’14

features@ihstattler.com

Arts Boss

Emily Scarpulla ’14 arts@ihstattler.com

Sports Boss

Chris Skawski ’14 sports@ihstattler.com

Ultimate Editor

Conor Coutts ’15 backpage@ihstattler.com

Iron-Fisted Controller of Language

Aryeh Zax ’14 copy@ihstattler.com

Photography Ninjas

Audrey Kan ’14 Naomi Powers ’14 photo@ihstattler.com

Tetris Ninja

Owen Zhang ’15 layout@ihstattler.com

Business Boss

Aleksa Basara ’14 business@ihstattler.com

Propaganda Ninja

Tracy Lai ’14 ads@ihstattler.com

Website Ninja

Julian Eng ’14 web@ihstattler.com

Ninja Henchmen

Carrie D’Aprix ’15 Steven Stover ’15 distribution@ihstattler.com

Faculty Boss

Deborah Lynn advisor@ihstattler.com

April Fools’ 2014 • Estd. 1892 • Vol. 122 #3 • Published Monthly • www.ihstattler.com Ithaca High School, 1041 S. Seneca St, Danby, NY 14883 • FREE

Tattler Staff Lacks Diversity; Hypocrisy May Be Most Important Trait IMAGE: PROVIDED

What do all of these editors have in common?

By RAY CYST

The Tattler has been known to attack other institutions at the drop of a pin; to recklessly accuse them of institutionalized racial shortfalls; to not tell white teachers why their pictures are being taken. But when the Tattler looked into the abyss, it looked back; and the Tattler saw its true colors. Specifically, how few colors

there were.

It isn’t necessarily that the Tattler isn’t trying to find a racially diverse group of editors, but the current group very closely resembles a vanilla Oreo: white and yellow. The paucity of diversity has handcuffed the Tattler, not only in its ability to adequately represent the student body, but also in its capacity to make jokes without being insensitive. Can race be fun-

ny? No. Okay, yes. But with the current makeup of the editorial board, it is very difficult for that perfect balance between sensitivity and comedy to be achieved.

(Want to improve the racial diversity of the Tattler? Pick up an application for a position on next year’s editorial board in the main office or in the library beginning April 1.)* *Yes. Really.