April

April 2019 • Estd. 1892 • Vol. 126 #8 • Published Monthly • www.ihstattler.com Ithaca High School, 1401 North Cayuga Street, Ithaca, NY 14850 • FREE

IHS Students March For Climate Justice

Why Andrew Yang Deserves Attention

Seniors Get Creative With WISE Projects

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Editorial

Editorial: Including World Literature in English Classes By the Tattler Editorial Board

W

hen you walk into an English class, you expect to learn about literature. You may even read some! When we think about “literature,” we have some preconceived notions, even prejudices, about what it entails. Ask any teacher or university professor, and they could probably recite a list of names they know to be part of the literary canon, which is the general groups of books, poems, stories, and other texts that are considered important and of value by a majority of academics. Ask a high school or college freshman, however, and you get a whole different range of answers. We usually don’t get too much exposure to the concept of “literature” before high school, but as far as it is imparted at all, it’s impartedas an idea of what “good literature” is, without too many specific examples.

Most of us can remember reading To Kill a Mockingbird, and perhaps a few Shakespeare plays, but we also read a lot of extracanonical books in middle school, where there is no clear delineation imposed by most teachers. That tends to change in high school, with 9th grade English classes often serving as more formal introductions to the literary canon. In 9th grade English Humanities, students are introduced to a diverse literary milieu, mostly drawn from the basic works of world literature, but not limited by any distinction other than reading level. Beyond that, 10th, 11th, and 12th grade English courses are laser-focused on the western canon, from The Great Gatsby to Frankenstein to, yes, more Shakespeare.

If you are not in 9th grade Humanities, then you could miss out, you could easily miss out on reading a single book in high school written by someone from a country other than the US or Britain. To provide a more complete education to its students, IHS should require at least one work of world literature not written by US or British authors 2

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be taught in each English class that includes a reading portion. The upsides of increased world literature are multiple: students will gain a better understanding of cultures other than our own, will be able to read texts that they may find more fun and more relevant, and this change may reduce some of the negative effects of tracking on English classes.

Literature is valuable in that it helps students develop a well-rounded perspective when thinking about the world in the past and the present. When students have the chance to read about and relate to texts from different time periods and cultures, they gain empathy and have the chance to learn about themselves and their position in society. This can lead to tangible results when readers see the same flaws and struggles that appear in works of literature, and strive to change their communities for the better. The lack of diversity in the current English curriculum is effectively an erasure of the experiences of the vast majority of the world’s population. By only exposing students mostly to texts from Britain and the US, the current English curriculum restricts the aspects of history and the present that students can relate to, limiting the value that students gain from these classes.

Because of the narrow definition of the literary canon, many students also miss out on the opportunity to appreciate language and reading. Struggles with archaic language and unrelatable or uninteresting themes characterize the high school English experience for many, a problem that can be attributed in most cases to the lack of variety in style and message in works taught in classes. Within the vast genre of world literature, particularly from the modern and contemporary ages, students are bound to find works they find exciting and relatable, and which teachers can deem as having lit-

erary merit. Through a more diverse English curriculum, students would have the chance to redefine their relationship with literature, and to see the world differently as a result.

World literature’s benefits go beyond appreciation—IHS’s social studies curriculum includes two full years of world history, and having an English curriculum during this time with selections of world literature would enhance this education. Latin American, African, and Asian selections are notably lacking in both 9th and 10th grade despite featuring very prominently in history courses in both years. Discussions on important and relevant topics in social studies classes, like postcolonialism, would be enhanced if texts of world literature were read concurrently in English classes.

Increasing the amount of world literature in English classes could also lessen the effects of tracking in early-high school English classes. If all 9th grade English classes were to include the same world literature texts, the discussion, critical thinking, and engagement with these works of literature in these classes would be similar in all levels.

Standardization could make higher-level offerings more accessible and attractive to students who don’t start off on the Humanities track, and who may not feel as prepared for or excited about English due to the current breakdown of reading materials.

In a district and school community where progress and social justice are at the forefront, the lack of variety in English texts is out of place. World literature not only gives readers a broadened perspective on their place in the world, but also affords them the opportunity to find new and enjoyable literary experiences. To reap these benefits, world literature must become a key component of English curricula at all levels.

News

Staff 2018 – 2019

LACS Presents to Board

By VAYNU KADIYALI

Editor-in-Chief

Vaynu Kadiyali ’19 editor@ihstattler.com

News Editor

Julian Perry ’19 news@ihstattler.com

Opinion Editor

Isaiah Gutman ’19 opinion@ihstattler.com

Features Editor

Joseph Yoon ’19 features@ihstattler.com

Arts Editor

Chloe Moore ’20 arts@ihstattler.com

Sports Editor

Asha Duhan ’19 sports@ihstattler.com

Literary Editor

Eleanor Randl ’19 literary@ihstattler.com

Back Page Editor

Sophie Wray ’19 backpage@ihstattler.com

Center Spread Editor

Anna Westwig ’21 centerspread@ihstattler.com

Copy Editor

Justin Heitzman ’20 copy@ihstattler.com

Photography Editor

Jefferson Sheng ’20 photo@ihstattler.com

Layout Editor

Jacob Yoon ’21 layout@ihstattler.com

Business and Advertising Manager

Samuel Bazarov ’20 business@ihstattler.com

Webmaster

Tony Yang ’19 web@ihstattler.com

Distribution Manager

Fiona Botz ’19 Karuna Prasad ’20 distribution@ihstattler.com

Archivist

Aurora Wulff ’19 archivist@ihstattler.com

Faculty Advisor

Deborah Lynn advisor@ihstattler.com

O

n Tuesday, March 12, the monthly Board of Education (BoE) voting meeting was especially exciting due to a half-hour long presentation by the new principal of Lehman Alternative Community School (LACS), Deborah Ptak.

The resulting discussion, which ranged from contentious to optimistic, shined a light on the future of alternative education in ICSD, and the goals of LACS and the BoE in their continued partnership.

Ptak began her presentation by outlining changes to LACS graduation requirements. Because LACS students don’t take regents exams, their performance is holistically analyzed by their educators.

Ptak, currently in her first year as principal of LACS, has tried to overhaul the system of determining and testing fluency in core areas, aiming to give students greater agency in this process. This has come in the form of so-called “performance-based assessments,” which test all students in performance tasks in the areas of research, literary analysis, scientific experimentation, and problem solving. Students have the chance to create authentic experiences that reflect their interests, but they must complete tasks in each of the major subject areas required for graduation. Once students complete a task, they speak before a panel of advisors to assess their knowledge; if they complete their task, it is in lieu of a regents exam if it is deemed successful. Given that performance-based assessments are relatively new to LACS, Ptak notes that the infrastructure for supporting students through these tasks is still being developed. They hope to create classes for seniors that offer support with staff members, and to incorporate help sessions into their master schedule in the coming year.

After the presentation, the Board had the chance to ask Ptak questions about LACS’s direction; the questions were tough, and several led to roundabout answers. One such question related to the math curriculum at LACS—the school has lagged COVER IMAGE BY PAWEŁ CZERWIŃSKI AND JOSHUA COLEMAN FROM UNSPLASH

The Tattler is the monthly student-run newspaper of Ithaca High School. All currently-enrolled students at Ithaca High School are welcome to submit writing and photographs. As an open forum, The Tattler invites opinion submissions and letters to the editor from all community members. Email submissions to editor@ihstattler.com or mail letters to: The Tattler 1401 North Cayuga Street Ithaca, NY 14850 Send submissions by April 15th to be included in the May issue. The Tattler reserves the right to edit all submissions. All articles, columns, and advertisements do not necessarily reflect the views of editorial staff.

behind considerably in state metrics for assessing math performance in recent years. Ptak noted that LACS faces a challenge of integrating students with varied mathematical backgrounds given that it is a school that receives students from every feeder in the district. She also said that LACS strives for “alternativeness” and innovation even in traditional course offerings like math, which assessments don’t reflect. Nonetheless, Ptak said that she has encouraged the LACS math team to sit in on math classes in other alternative schools with high scores on the same metrics that LACS lags behind in.

Another question regarded the LACS graduation rate—in comparison to the IHS rate, which sits at around 90 percent, the LACS rate is about ten percent lower. Ptak defended this number—given that last year’s LACS graduating class consisted of only 44 students, she described the graduation rates at the two schools as “apples and oranges.” She also stated that individual students with unique needs must be considered, given that LACS receives students who wouldn’t succeed in a traditional academic setting. Ptak went on to list several individual cases of students who failed to graduate due to unique circumstances, but eventually agreed that the school needs to focus on better serving students at risk of failing to graduate.

In other LACS news, the presentation given by LACS students at last month’s board meeting about cultural biases in the ICSD calendar (see Board Meeting—Enfield Update and LACS Initiative, March 2019) struck a chord with students and staff at IHS. Staff members noted that they have to use personal absences to celebrate religious holidays that aren’t represented in the calendar; by the middle of the year, Jewish and Muslim staff members may not have personal absences left. Additionally, while an effort is made by some IHS staff to inform all teachers of religious days on which students may be absent, or where circumstances may affect athletic or academic performance as in Ramadan, many emails and reminders are simply ignored.

While LACS dominated the discussion at this meeting, future meetings will pertain more to upcoming changes at IHS and throughout the district. With a vote on the capital project and 2019 budget coming up in May, students are encouraged to attend meetings—which take place every other Tuesday—to learn more about the direction of their district and to speak to the BoE about their experiences and concerns.

To read The Tattler online, visit our website at www.ihstattler.com.

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News

IHS Students March For Climate Justice

By JULIAN PERRY

O

n March 15, students all around the world took a break from their schooling to focus on a different investment in their future: fighting climate change. As part of a movement that began with the protests of one Swedish teenager, 16-year-old Greta Thunberg, students on every continent (except Antarctica) marched to demand action by their governments. While IHS did not have school that day, Green Team still organized a massively well-attended march from IHS to the Commons, where a rally was held and community members spoke about protecting the environment.

Students gathered by IHS on Cayuga Street, signs in hand, before proceeding to march. Chants filled the air for the duration of the march, and continued at the Commons, where IHS students were joined by community members in yelling out, “Hey hey! Ho ho! Climate change has got to go!”

Eventually, a substantial crowd had grown, with the student bodies of IHS, Cornell, and Ithaca College all represented.

The first person to speak was Mira Driskell ‘19, a co-president of Green Team and one of the event’s organizers. “We have the chance to take action, and I say we take it,” Driskell told the crowd, to much applause.

Addressing the purpose of the rally, she told her audience, “I hope that you leave here with a clear sense of what you can do about climate change.”

Dominic Woolf, a researcher from Cornell Crop and Soil Sciences, spoke about his own career studying carbon emissions. After detailing the science behind climate change and various solutions, Woolf declared, “This is a fixable problem—if we stop making excuses and mobilize.”

The next two speakers were Tilden Chao ‘19 and Abigail Glickman ‘19, founders of Keep It Cool, Tompkins!, a group aiming to increase the use of green refrigerants rather than commonly used hydrofluorocarbons, potent greenhouse gases that are frequently 4

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used for refrigeration and air conditioning.

“The climate march was able to unify our community and direct efforts at specific climate-related goals,” Chao told The Tattler.

“From the march, I felt a renewed sense of urgency—a reminder that we need to do even more than protest in the streets.”

Speakers continued to address the crowd for over an hour. Two Cornell students described their experiences attending a UN climate conference in Poland, which they described as the “Super Bowl of climate change action.” Two local 4th graders read statements about how climate change will impact the world’s youth, telling the crowd, “This is our future.” Gina Cacioppo, an IHS art teacher, spoke on behalf of Mothers Out Front, a group of parents hoping to protect their children from pollution. Lena Kennell, a Newfield High School student, spoke about the difficulty of building support for climate action in a community where the scientific consensus on climate change isn’t accepted.

Eventually, the conversation drifted towards more specific policy demands. Two Ithaca College students representing Sunrise Ithaca spoke as part of the national Sunrise Movement, which aims to support the set of policies known as the Green New Deal. After them, Magda Kossowska ‘19, Green Team co-president and one of the event’s organizers, emphasized the need for political reforms and not just lifestyle changes. “Climate change is not the fault of the consumer. It is the fault of the politicians who have failed us time and time again when they have taken the word of big money and big businesses over our voices,” Kossowska told the crowd.

For the entirety of the rally, every speaker embraced the idea that the fight for the environment is not over, and work still needs to be done. Many expressed ideas akin to some of the words with which Driskell had begun the rally: “This isn’t the end of a movement.

If anything, it’s the beginning.”

Experiences with Marie Kondo

By KATIE LIN

B

y now, just about everyone has heard the words “spark joy.” Whether you’ve heard it from her Netflix show or read it from her book, Marie Kondo and those signature words are everywhere. She is the woman who created the KonMari method, the Japanese art of tidying, which centers around only keeping things that spark joy for the owner. After beginning to read her book and watch her show, I was instantly inspired to begin tidying. The KonMari method is an effective way to tidy and, as cheesy as it may seem, really does change your life.

The KonMari method starts with clothes.

You take out all the clothes you own and dump them on your bed. Kondo’s show had taught me to hold each of my clothes one by one, and only keep the ones that sparked joy, or made me feel happy.

At this point in the process, I was embarrassed. I saw the amount of clothes I had, and realized I had never been grateful enough for the things I was so lucky to own.

I had also not taken care of my clothes well by cramming them into the drawers so they became wrinkled. In other words, I felt confronted by my belongings. One of the greatest things about the KonMari method is the confrontation. You have to dump all your clothes on the bed so you feel confronted, become more grateful, and want to fold them all away cleanly and never revert to your cluttered ways ever again.

One would think you might not finish folding all your clothes away before you go to bed and you’d be sleeping on top of a mountain of clothes, but for me, the confrontation kept me motivated to finish. When I finished sorting through my clothes, I was filled with a sense of control and peace in my life.

One of the best parts of the entire process for me was folding my clothes away after sorting. Kondo said that folding should be somewhat meditative, and it actually is very peaceful to smooth the cloth over with your hands after each fold. My mom makes folding more enjoyable by playing her Spotify playlist of Elton John and the Bee Gees.

Opinion Kondo has also shown me that simplicity is beautiful. Her method consists of using cardboard boxes for storage, but the boxes aren’t extravagant. They’re plain, solid-colored boxes. I used to believe that boxes should be highly decorated and bright, but I soon learned the plain boxes look so much better. The simple design is relaxing, and looks neater. Recently, my family and I began

using plain glass jars to store office supplies, and that shelf, which I’ve spent hours trying to make look nice, has never looked better.

The KonMari method can change your life so fast and make it so much more peaceful.

I completely recommend the KonMari method of tidying. Not only is Marie Kondo the sweetest and most charming woman, but her method also inspires and works. The

skeptical feelings and the unsureness of how tidying can really make an impact in your life all go away when you see your clothes neatly folded away like they deserve to be, and she encourages you to keep trusting the process and watch how the tidying makes you feel more peaceful and in control of your life.

Why Andrew Yang Deserves Attention

By JUSTIN HEITZMAN

I

t’s early in the 2020 Democratic Primary season, but many of the prominent candidates have already been grouped and sorted to create a convenient, simple narrative that contrasts the “progressives” against the “centrists.” Certain candidates, though, fly under the radar in every primary, and this year, one of the candidates getting the least mainstream attention is one of the few that does not neatly fall onto the current spectrum of the Democratic Party. That candidate is Andrew Yang, a Taiwanese-American entrepreneur from Schenectady, New York.

To this point, Yang has appeared on the Fox family of networks much more than he has on other mainstream channels. This disparity probably has a lot to do with the fact that some of his policies are easy for Fox to denounce as examples for their narrative that the Democratic Party is heading towards extremism, but in reality, the candidacy of Andrew Yang is much more complicated. The appeal of Yang in the context of this primary lies in his ability to synthesize traditional left-wing and/or Democratic ideas with intriguing new ideas, most of which are specific propositions to solve serious problems.

The central message of Yang’s campaign is what he describes as “human-centered capitalism.” Yang notes that the main goal of fiscal policy should be to “make the economy work for Americans, not the other way around.” In order to achieve this goal, Yang has proposed the establishment of a Universal Basic Income (UBI), which he refers to as the “Freedom Dividend.” In this system, each American would receive $1000 a month starting at age 18, “no questions asked.” The history behind such a proposal is

varied; Yang himself often notes that Americans ranging from Founding Father Thomas Paine to economist Milton Friedman have supported the idea in various forms.

The program would be paid for by a tax on major tech companies, which stand to benefit the most from automation. One way in which Yang has managed to stand out from the crowded Democratic field has been in his willingness to discuss the harsh realities of the next automation wave, in which millions of trucking and retail jobs will be lost, and to propose specific solutions like the UBI. Andrew Yang’s specific ideas are not limited to automation-related issues; in fact, his website, yang2020.com, lists over 70 policies. They range from mainstream Democratic Party ideas (such as prohibiting the sale of bump stocks) to key progressive goals (such as implementing Medicare for All) to outlandish new plans (such as the creation of a texting-based report system to discourage unwanted robocalls). One of the most intriguing policies listed on Yang’s website is the American Mall Act. The Act is a great example of Andrew Yang’s style. First, he identifies a serious problem that most politicians don’t discuss; in this case, he identifies the fact that many American malls are slowly dying, reduced from their former positions as community centers to unsightly hotbeds of crime. Then, he proposes a specific solution, which in this case is to provide $6 billion of funding in order to refurbish the malls into community centers. This method of outlining plans is very helpful, and makes perfect sense for the current political system. The websites for most political campaigns are limited to vague advertisements and person-

al stories, which leaves one to have to find information on candidates’ actual policies elsewhere; the problem with that, though, is that many people no longer trust most websites to paint an accurate and unbiased picture.

Andrew Yang’s decision to provide clear policy outlines on his website is commendable because it demonstrates that he has a serious commitment to fighting for these specific policies, and allows his supporters to hold him accountable if he fails to fight for them.

Andrew Yang has a serious chance of going far in the Democratic Primary. Ultimately, there are very few major distinctions to be made between most centrist Democratic candidates; only the few who maintain the most name recognition will end up making it to the later stages of primary season.

Something similar is likely to happen within the progressive wing, as it appears inevitable that most on the far left will eventually unite under Bernie Sanders. Yang offers something that is much harder to define, and therefore might turn out to be the unifying candidate that Democrats are searching for.

He combines progressive policies with entrepreneurial spirit; an embrace of technology with safeguards for those it might harm; and anti-Trump sentiment with sympathy and respect for those who have supported him.

After all, as Yang himself often states, the opposite of Donald Trump is an Asian guy who likes numbers. While Andrew Yang is not a particularly well-known candidate right now, don’t be surprised if he manages to hang around well into the campaign cycle.

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Features

From the Archives:

Excerpts from the Tattler Issues of Yesteryear

By AURORA WULFF

There is a small handful of people at IHS who know about a very small, very pink room at the very end of the E-wing. Although small and unassuming, this room is the deepest one can go into the chronicles of IHS. In that room, there are four average-looking filing cabinets that contain the annals of IHS Tattler history, dating back 126 years. Here follows a selection.

Read more online at https://tattlerarchive.wordpress.com/ Note: The current Tattler does not necessarily endorse the opinions published in historical Tattlers.

April, 1917 Tattles Prof. Arnold: “I’m sorry Margaret, but you did not pass Physics. Of course you know why?”

Margaret: “I haven’t an idea.”

Prof. Arnold: “That’s exactly right.”

April 25, 1947 Plan New Clubhouse By: Leonard Fernow Realizing the serious inadequacy of the present fieldhouse currently servicing the track team, Coach J.J. Tatascore (A.S.?, B.S., PhD., L.S./ M.F.T.) has brought enough pressure to bear on the existing powers to insure the complete remodeling, not only of the fieldhouse equipment, but of the entire system of training.

Hereafter it will only be necessary for trackmen to work out in 15 minute periods once a week. These workouts will consist of 25 fast laps in a streetcar.

During this ginger ale and banana splits will be served to all runners: participants in the field events will have their choice of dill pickles and sour milk or rhubarb and mustard. Large quantities of French 6

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Smith: “I want to tell you a joke about mistletoe.”

Miss B: “Be sure it isn’t over my head.”

Miss Mitchell: “Your sketch of the room lacks atmosphere.”

Issy: “I was thinking of putting in a ventilator.”

fried potatoes and mushrooms can be had on request, but first year men will be restricted to the hard cider barrel.

The new Italian marble field house will be complete with steam baths, ping pong and pool tables, a massaging room, reading room and movie theater.

Free limousine service to and from the field will be provided, and escalators will furnish the transportation between the dressing room and the track.

While away, the boys’ clothes will be washed, or dry cleaned, pressed, and 20 gold pieces placed in the pockets. All socks will be darned and any other necessary repair work will be attended to.

On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, there will be dancing in the large auditorium. All members are urged to bring their girls. Chaperones will be the newly-weds, Captain Don Bemont (who is in the twelve yard skip-rope event) and his newest brief Sebela Wehe. All in all, a good, hardened, team is expected to evolve from this superb form of training.

Features

April 1994 Horoscopes Capricorn (12/22-1/20) Steer clear of foolish choices and get involved in school activities. Being a longer won’t make you happy.

Aquarius ( 1/21-2/19) Are you feeling a little pressured? Relax and take things one step at a time. Remember that you can’t win all the time.

Pisces (2/20-3/20) Resist the urge to put that whoopee cushion on your teacher’s chair. It may be funny, but are the consequences worth it?

Aries (3/21-4/20) Though we don’t have many days of spring break this year, you will meet someone very special and it will seem like it will last forever.

Taurus (4/21-5/21) Your kissing-up may bother some people. Don’t worry, though, they’re just jealous because they wish they had your talent.

Cancer (6/22-7/23) People may think your jokes are inappropriate. Think about what you are saying and make sure you aren’t hurting feelings.

Leo (7/24-8/23) Don’t be influenced by your friends’ thinking. Make your own decisions. If you want to take square dancing, go ahead.

Virgo (8/24-9/23) Don’t take people for granted.

They have more to offer you than you think.

Libra (9/25-10/23) Offer to take your dog for a walk. Your parents do things for you every day.

Scorpio (10/24-11/22) Take time to discover a new talent. Who knows? Maybe it will benefit you!

Sagittarius (11/23-12/21) Clearing up those little misunderstandings at school will make you more social. You may discover a romance with someone who is just a friend.

For your daily horoscope call 1-900- GET- REAL. Only $4.95 a minute!

Gemini (5/22-6/21) Are your friends starting to get on your nerves? If so, step back and think why they became your friends in the first place.

April 1994 Suggested improvements to the school.

•

A ramp from the floor of H- Courtyard up to the balcony.

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A McDonald’s in the Cafeteria.

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Having a Hanson Festival every day after school.

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Construct all classrooms so that each has a Jolt soda machine built into the walls.

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Features

Club Feature: The Tattler

By JULIAN PERRY

T

he Tattler is IHS’s student newspaper.

You, reading these words in a copy you probably picked up on the floor of some hallway around IHS, already knew that. But did you also know that you and every other student can write for it (and enjoy doing so)?

Getting published in The Tattler is simple. If you decide you have something to say to the world, something too long to fit in your Instagram story, write it up as an article and send it to editor@ihstattler.com.

There, Vaynu Kadiyali ‘19 will see your article and send it to a section editor, who will edit it and do you the favor of removing errors. Your article will then be printed in the next month’s issue of The Tattler.

You may be wondering where I’m going with this. There are, after all, a lot of clubs at IHS, and most of them are worthwhile uses of your time. The reason I encourage you to consider The Tattler is that you can

tailor your involvement to whatever particular niches interest you and whatever level of commitment works best for you. If all you want is to do is write about the latest Marvel movie or review a local restaurant, go for it.

At the same time, if you want to perform a public service and report on relevant news for IHS students, you can go deeper and research what is going on around the school.

You can even just submit your own photography or poetry, and The Tattler would be excited to feature it.

Regardless of how involved you choose to be with The Tattler, it can be educational. I have learned a lot from writing for and reading The Tattler, ranging from which local restaurants are the best, to what the Board of Education has been up to lately. The Tattler has also given me opportunities to become a better writer, outside of just the generic essays whose structures have been drilled into our minds since middle school. If you learn

how to write without being given a rubric by a teacher, writing for The Tattler will give you valuable practice (practice that’ll come in handy when you’re writing college application essays).

As a senior almost done with high school, my advice to underclassmen is to get involved with The Tattler, whether that is as an occasional writer or committed editor.

You may not think of yourself as a writer, but The Tattler is an amazing venue to communicate what you care about, whether that is IHS sports, local politics, or which school bathroom is the worst. If you want to get on the email list, just send an email to editor@ihstattler.com or come to the monthly writers’ meeting in H-Courtyard. And if most of what I have described really excites you, consider applying to be on the editorial board; applications will be available later this month, and we want all voices to be represented.

A History of April Fools’

By ASHA DUHAN

A

pril 1—a date notorious for tricks and jokes, as well as often eerily-believable pranks by large companies such as Google and Apple. On this day, newspapers, TV news stations and companies often espouse ridiculous claims, deliberate “fake news,” to trick their gullible audiences. But how did this holiday come to be, and how did it transform into the worldwide phenomenon that it is now?

The exact origins of April Fools’, also known as All Fools’ Day, are unknown. The holiday has been celebrated by many cultures for centuries, but its origins and the culture responsible for inventing this holiday are a mystery. One hypothesis is that April Fools’ Day was invented in 1582, when France switched from the Julian Calendar to the Gregorian Calendar. Those who were unaware of the switch continued to follow the Julian Calendar, and thus celebrated the new year during the last week of March through April 1 rather than January 1st, were publicly ridiculed and became the subject of numerous jokes and pranks. People would place paper fish—a symbol of naivete and gullibleness called “poisson d’avril” (“April fish”)— on their backs. Perhaps this was the start of April Fools’, a day created by the French to humiliate and ostracize uninformed citizens.

Some historians trace the origins of April Fools’ to a more celebratory event: the festival of Hilaria in Ancient Rome, held to honor the mother of the gods. Hilaria included a variety of amusements and 8

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games in honor of the gods and in celebration of Rome, including masquerade balls and activities in which people wearing disguises went around tricking and playing pranks on other Romans. In contrast, historical records indicate that April Fools’ Day became popular in Britain during the 18th century. April Fools’ Day occurred over two days: Hunting the Gowk day and Tailie Day. During Hunting the Gowk, oblivious citizens were sent on phony quests that were essentially wild goose chases. Tailie Day was an elaborate event in which people placed tails and “kick me” signs on the behinds of unsuspecting citizens, traditions that still occur in some places of Scotland today.

Globally, April Fools’ Day is celebrated very differently based on the cultural values of each country, and each culture has a distinctive twist on the holiday. In Germany, April Fools’ Day pranks are played until noon, after which it is considered bad luck and disrespectful to trick and joke. In France, they have continued the tradition of sticking paper fish on the backs of unsuspecting citizens. In Portugal, April Fools’ Day is celebrated over two days and is marked by people throwing flour at each other in the streets. April Fools’ Day is celebrated joyously across the world, and no matter where it is celebrated, it has common elements of pranking and joking fellow citizens with the goal of creating relationships and developing closer-knit communities.

Features

Restaurant Review: Pasta Vitto

By VAYNU KADIYALI

I

f you’ve driven on Aurora Street past the Marriott hotel in recent weeks, chances are that you noticed an oversized, colorful chalk sign on the Commons advertising Ithaca’s newest restaurant. The eatery, Pasta Vitto, sits in the rather inconspicuous space formerly occupied by Madeline’s. I was thrilled when I found out that Pasta Vitto is run by the proprietors of Viva Taqueria, and I soon after decided to go there for dinner with my sister one day after school.

We arrived at the restaurant several minutes before their opening time, but we were welcomed regardless and seated in their plush lounge area. The interior of the restaurant is stunning—not many changes were made from Madeline’s 2018 renovation, other than the removal of the bar space. While the ambience remains elegant, modern, and well-lit, the food offerings have changed significantly with new ownership.

While Madeline’s was a fine-dining establishment with prices on the higher side— somewhat out of touch with local tastes— Pasta Vitto is affordable and surprisingly basic. Their menu fits on one page, only offering salads, pizzas, pastas, and a few appetizers; no dish costs more than $16. Unlike many Italian restaurants, Pasta Vitto doesn’t offer free bread, but for $3, customers can get a large portion of focaccia and olive oil.

Their approach appears streamlined and efficient, and this was reflected in my experience there.

After being seated, our friendly waitress listed Pasta Vitto’s extensive drink options— they’re in the process of acquiring a liquor license, but they more than make up for it with numerous homemade sodas and agua frescas. I went with the mango limeade, a refreshingly tart and perfectly sweetened choice. Unusually, it was served with a straw made of an uncooked pasta noodle. I was happy to use an environmentally friendly product, and it remained intact for my entire time there, though the top began to taste starchy near the end of the meal.

We decided to forgo the starters, and instead went straight for entrees. I ordered the

walnut and blue cheese “pizzette” while my sister went for the fusilli with pink sauce. We were the first customers there, and our dishes came out within a few minutes. The pizza was incredible—its flavor was enhanced by the slight char from the oven, and the creamy, sharp blue cheese contrasted perfectly with the earthy walnuts and spicy red onions. I was happy to have a couple slices to take home—it was slightly larger than an individual portion, though I’d advise against ordering it for two.

The pasta was also a great dish. The noodles were al-dente, and the fresh sauce clung to the pasta perfectly. It was quite sim-

ple, although it came with a lump of fresh ricotta that made the sauce creamier and richer. We were offered parmesan and fresh ground pepper with the pasta, and opted for both, making it even better. Although this particular dish doesn’t come with meat, most of the other pasta offerings come with meatballs or spiedini (breaded skewers of chicken or shrimp). I personally would have expected this dish to be a bit larger in size, though this portion of pasta would be filling if the dish came with skewers or meatballs.

I was very impressed with my experience at Pasta Vitto. Their small menu seems to result in a high quality of offerings, and while portions are smaller than one would expect at an Italian dinner restaurant, the prices are very reasonable and their dishes well made. I didn’t have time for dessert when I went, but I noticed that they have a very impressive display case of cakes and pastries, which I learned are made daily by an in-house pastry chef. I’m excited to go back and try more of their menu, and I’d highly recommend that you give Pasta Vitto a try.

IMAGE BY VAYNU KADIYALI

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Features

IHS Students Create Anti-GunViolence Organization

By VAYNU KADIYALI

S

ince the Parkland, Florida school shooting of 2018, high schoolers around the country have advocated for gun control legislation through their participation in March For Our Lives (MFOL). MFOL was founded by survivors of the Parkland attack, and after organizing a national demonstration with over 1 million participants, it has continued to focus on ending gun violence.

In 2019, four IHS students, Chloe Moore ‘20, Karuna Prasad ‘20, Zoey Zentner ‘20, and Leah Wardlaw ‘20, founded an Ithaca chapter of MFOL. I sat down with Moore, the president of the chapter, to learn more about MFOL Ithaca’s advocacy and vision for the future.

Vaynu Kadiyali ‘19: What is MFOL? Chloe Moore ‘20: MFOL is a student-led organization to end gun violence in America. It started after the Marjory Stoneman Douglas school shooting in Parkland, Florida last February. I think for a while, I was aware of the gun violence epidemic in America, but like so many, I had become desensitized to it; I was in the mindset that I think a lot of youth are in, that my voice didn’t really matter. But after the Parkland shooting, I saw the survivors standing up, speaking out, and really dominating the news cycle. That made me realize that I do have a voice and my opinions do matter, and that I and every other kid deserves to have a say about whether or not we get shot in school. I started the Ithaca chapter because the issue suddenly felt very close to home, because the people being affected by gun violence are, in a lot of cases, kids, but the people who are working to end gun violence are also kids.

VK: A year after the Parkland shooting, in your eyes, what has changed, for better or for worse?

CM: I try to stay optimistic. We’ve made a lot of progress. We elected a common-sense gun reform majority to the House of Representatives in the 2018 midterms, and I think we’ve passed something like 50 new state-level gun safety laws. In some ways, 10

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things have stayed the same, with the hate-fueled shootings at the Tree of Life synagogue and the Thousands Oaks shooting in California, and the continued media attacks (I’m looking at you, Fox News) on the MFOL founders. But all in all, I think we’re shifting the conversation and we’re definitely making progress, and that feels like a really powerful way to honor victims of gun violence VK: What do you hope to accomplish through your activism? What does that look like at a local level, and at a national one?

CM: I just want people to stop getting shot.

That’s why I’m out here. I want kids to be able to go to school without having panic attacks. I want women to stop fearing for their safety if their partner owns a gun and is abusive. I want an end to racist hate crimes and homophobic hate crimes and I want lower-income communities to stop feeling the devastating effects of gun violence at higher percentages. I want to de-stigmatize mental health problems and keep people safe. I have no interest in banning all guns or ending hunting. I just want people to stop dying painful and preventable deaths.

At the local level that means contacting representatives and getting money out of politics; Tom Reed took $2,000 from the NRA in the 2018 midterms alone, and he’s taken thousands more from them throughout his career. We’re advocating, on the local and national levels, universal background checks across state lines, banning bump stocks and high capacity magazines, getting automatic and semi-automatic weapons off the street, closing the gun show and online sales loopholes in background check laws, and ending concealed carry across state lines.

VK: How would proposed gun control legislation address, build upon, or limit the Second Amendment? Does the Second Amendment prevent gun control?

CM: Look, I don’t want the government to steal anyone’s guns. If you have a clean record and aren’t a danger to yourself or others, you should be allowed to purchase a

reasonable kind of gun, either for hunting or if you consider it part of being a homeowner, once you pass a thorough background check. The Second Amendment allows a “well-regulated militia,” so the idea that regulating weapons of war is somehow unconstitutional just isn’t true. Furthermore, the Second Amendment was originally written to ensure that local militias could exist just after the Revolutionary War. It wasn’t until 2008 that the Supreme Court said individuals have a right to bear arms, actually. So this idea that the current gun safety movement is trying to “undo” years of free gun ownership isn’t true. I mean, Reagan wanted gun control! I’m always happy to have reasonable, civil debate about the issues I’m passionate about. But that doesn’t work if people just invoke the Second Amendment without contextualizing it or reading its wording closely. It was written a long time ago, and in a lot of ways it doesn’t work to apply 18th-century laws to 21st-century weapons. The arms that we’re talking about today are on a scale that the writers of the Constitution could never have dreamed of, so it doesn’t work to say that earlier laws are always completely relevant. Gun ownership has a long tradition in America, and that’s fine. But that tradition means nothing if it costs people their lives.

VK: What’s the role of social media in local and national MFOL efforts?

CM: One of the things that’s great about MFOL is that it’s all youth-led, so social media is a really effective tool and platform for spreading the word. It’s great for advertising initiatives like #WriteYourReps, which urges kids to write their senators and representatives, and for sharing information about bigger things like marches. There are some disadvantages to using, say, Twitter as a platform for complex debate, but all in all, it’s a great way to connect people who otherwise might not get involved. The Instagram and Twitter for our chapter are @mfolithaca.

VK: How can students get involved with

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MFOL? Why should they?

CM: Kids can follow the Instagram and Twitter for updates and can join our mailing list for information about when meetings are going to be. We try to schedule meetings in good places and at good times. I think if you’re going to join any movement, it should be MFOL, because it is actively saving lives, and because it is inherently intersectional and feminist, anti-racist, and anti-classist.

Standing up and speaking out can seem hard, but it’s really empowering and important to do, and it’s free! There’s strength in numbers, and MFOL is a national organization that can make real change.

Shelterin-Place: Principal Trumble Responds to Student Concerns

By ADOWYN ERNSTE

“T

he shelter-in-place has now been lifted. Thank you for your cooperation; classes can now resume as normal.” IHS students have heard this announcement over the loudspeaker several times this year, but many remain uncertain as to what happens during shelter-in-places.

In an effort to provide explanations and ease worries, Principal Trumble responded to a series of questions regarding the school’s communication policies on shelter-in-places. Many of these questions targeted concerns based on student input (194 responses), which was gathered by a survey sent out to the school (see graphics). Some of the topics addressed were communication, rumors, and safety.

According to the survey, 70.5 percent of

student respondants wished for more com- mal and may not fully address the problemmunication. Additionally, almost 40 per- suggested by the numbers. Especially in this cent of respondents felt unsafe during shel- day and age, where danger and violence are ter-in-places specifically for this reason. In all-too frequent in in public locations across response, Mr. Trumble explained that he is the country, students have every right to be unable to give specific details in order to en- curious as to what’s happening. In short, sure student privacy and confidentiality. For example, in the IHS students responded to a Shelter-In-Place case of a medical emergency, communication survey. Here are the results: disclosure of information about the incident would endanger individual privacy. Mr. Trumble admits, “It’s hard because you want to assure everyone that everything’s okay.” But for confidentiality reasons, the school policy necessitates that identities and specific situations are kept private. The school’s hope is that shelter-in-places will keep a system of order during individual emergencies, allowing classes to continue as normal.

Nonetheless, student concerns paint a different picture.

In a school of over 1,300 students, rumors have the capacity to spread like wildfire. In fact, 98 percent of respondents to the survey reported hearing indecisive rumors of all kinds, including violence, medical emergency, and intruders.

With 69 percent of respondents feeling unsafe during shelter-in-places, it’s clear that things need further clarification. Mr. Trumble emphasized that while these rumors can be alarming, there is usually nothing serious for students to be concerned about. He explains that “9.5 times out of 10, we’re moving someone to the nurse’s office and protecting identity.”

Furthermore, if there was a truly threatening situation, such as a violent intruder, the school would transition into a lock down, meaning that classes would stop, and the classrooms would be made to seem entirely empty.

For the 70.5 percent of students who want more communication, this information may provide some solace. However, the information remains mini-

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Shelter-in-Place: Principal Trumble Responds to Student Concerns Continued from page 11 shelter-in-places are not a perfect system.

Mr. Trumble says, “The hard part for me is that people are guessing or left to assume

things, but I think we have to start assuming that the best of intentions is to make sure that we have a protocol and a system in place where we know where everybody is, and we can deal with whatever it is we’re dealing with in a minimally distracting way.

The limiting of information that is coming

out is not to spread rumor and gossip; it’s to protect people’s identities.” Nonetheless, the student responses from the survey suggest that shelter-in-places have created a concerned mentality among the student respondents, demonstrating that this remains a significant problem.

Conversation with 2019 Cornell University Concerto Competition Winner Aditya Deshpande

By JEFFERSON SHENG

A

fter one of our chamber music rehearsals, I had a chance to sit down and chat with two Cornell Freshmen: Aditya Deshpande and IHS alumnus David Sheng ‘18. Aditya, who is majoring in Computer Science, recently performed Franz Liszt’s First Piano Concerto with the Cornell Symphony Orchestra after his impressive finish in the Cornell Concerto Competition. We touched on Aditya’s musical experiences and David’s and Aditya’s takes on some musical objectives, as well as some other aspects of studying at Cornell, the destination of many IHS seniors next year.

Jefferson Sheng: While it’s still fresh, what was it like playing and working with Maestro Slywotzky in Bailey Hall?

Aditya Deshpande: In my view, having worked with other orchestras in the past, I think Maestro Slywotzky had a great understanding, of course, of how to control the orchestra. I think the process of having multiple rehearsals allowed us to try out different interpretations of various sections of the piece, which gave me a lot of freedom in choosing how the final product [was] going to sound. That’s partially due to the number of rehearsals, but also due to the flexibility of Maestro Slywotzky, which was a great benefit to me for the final performance.

JS: With the number of rehearsals, especially with the CSO before the performance of the Liszt, how did you find yourself bal12

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ancing music with academics during those rehearsals, or just in general?

AD: I try to always keep my academics [a] priority, for the most part . . . I think when one practices, at least when one has time, they have to focus on specific sections to work on. Basically, one has to raise their focus on one specific thing to make it work.

David Sheng: Laser focus.

AD: Yeah, I think any time you go [practice], at least when you are trying to focus on academics and practice at the same time, one has to go in with a goal before one starts to practice . . . what that means is that one has to think about the piece away from the piano (or any other instrument) and have some mental conception about specific ideas or interpretations before starting.

detriment to the other. I do think a lot about music, in general, as far as improving myself and what I think I need to work on personally. That’s something that comes really fluidly, but I don’t think academics have ever hindered my development of the music. It does come in the way of having time to practice, for sure, but I don’t think one or the other has ever negatively impacted the other.

DS: Do you have a set schedule for practicAditya Deshpande, Cornell 22’

JS: What do you think has been the most significant factor in enabling you to enjoy music over the years and not stop playing?

AD: I think one of the main factors definitely involved my parents, who tried to find the best teachers wherever I was living. I also think, for myself, music is like eating and breathing; something I have to do. I can’t go through life without playing the piano, listening, or any of that, so to stop playing is not an option for me.

JS: Have academics ever hindered your musical development?

AD: I think they develop in conjunction with each other; they’re not meant to be a

Image Provided by the Cornell Music Department

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ing?

AD: No, but when I do practice I have a general idea of what I want to get done. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn’t. I also spend a lot of time during practice sessions just improvising. Also, I take breaks for more extended practice sessions because I almost injured my hands a few weeks ago from over-practicing. I think when one plays a lot, one also has to make sure [they are] not tense.

DS: Do you have a schedule set for every day?

AD: For the most part, I don’t have a set schedule; I adapt to each day.

DS: When you get a new piece, what’s the first thing you do?

AD: For me, when I get a piece, I usually can’t wait to get my hands on it, so I have a tendency to just sight-read and hear what it sounds like when I get through it, and then I

go back and go through processes of refinement.

DS: That’s not that bad; I get annoyed with people learning from recordings. Like, why not just talk to God himself when you can.

Why learn a piece from someone else when you can look through the score yourself?

JS: For someone who is in high school considering the college application process, do you think music made you a better student, and perhaps a better college applicant when you did your applications last year?

AD: From what I’ve gathered from the college application process, and of course this sounds like a bureaucratic sort of thing . . .

I think they do appreciate strong extracurriculars. I think the piano helps me in that sense, but learning music and playing the piano all builds one’s mind in other ways as well, because learning new pieces does involve a lot of problem-solving, mentally and physically, for sure. One develops methods

for approaching, say, challenging sections of pieces, and how to break them down and finally put them together, which translates to other disciplines in life. So I think neurally somewhere, it does have an impact.

JS: I know you guys are not done with your first year yet, but what are some pieces of advice you would give to upcoming Cornell freshmen in their first few months at Cornell?

DS: Eat, sleep, don’t give up on eating; don’t stop eating. I’m serious.

AD: I think one piece of advice is to never feel that you don’t deserve to be here, because after all, you were chosen after quite a lengthy admissions process.

You can view Aditya’s performance of the Liszt at livestream.com/CornellCast/ events/8591761. You can catch Aditya’s future studio recitals and chamber concerts at Cornell’s Barnes Hall.

Seniors Get Creative With WISE Projects

By ELEANOR RANDL

T

he WISE program is a course open to all IHS seniors. Half of the year is structured like a normal English class, but the second half of the year is devoted to a project of one’s choosing. Two of my friends, Ned Carlson ‘19 and Maren Korb ‘19, are working on projects right now involving art. I interviewed them to learn more about their passions and to show juniors how great of an opportunity the WISE project can be.

Ned Carlson Works to Showcase Art in New Gallery ER: So could you tell me a little bit about your WISE project?

NC: I’m making land art, but I’m also focusing on doing a gallery exhibition (a solo exhibition) with the CAPs gallery. I am also their inaugural artist in the space.

ER: When is the exhibition?

NC: It opens April 5, everyone should go.

ER: I know you do a lot of paintings of your land art. Are you going to be showcasing paintings of your land art or photos of it?

NC: Pictures, large prints, 30 by 40, 20 by 30, and 11 by 14.

ER: What do you hope to learn while doing this WISE project?

NC: I hope to learn about how to navigate the art scene, [and] how I can respond to adversary, like facing time constraints and things like that with hard deadlines, such as the gallery opening. But also learning how to talk about my art with the community.

ER: What are some challenges you have faced so far?

NC: Logistics of moving things around and setting up . . . but also pricing, because it’s really expensive to print out these enormous photos and I have to try to find a way to do that cheaply. So I have to look for different scholarships and things like that. From the

CAPs gallery, they have a grant you can apply for and get up to $1,500. If I got that grant I wouldn’t have to spend any more money. But I still have to order the prints, and put them up in the space.

ER: What message do you want to convey with your art?

NC: At the most basic level, I hope people just realize that there are all these patterns in the world around them and if they paid more attention they could actually see and appreciate. But also, I want to bring awareness to these different components of ecosystems that might be adversely impacted by whatever we as consumers are doing.

ER: Could you talk a little bit about the process of making a land art sculpture?

NC: So depending on what the weather is and what type of materials are available, sometimes I’ll plan it out if it’s with a ma-

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Arts

Surrealio Caption Contest

By ETHAN CARLSON Submit your caption at https://forms.gle/tnnZ9jLfev8ZW4w2A to have a chance to see it in the 2019 May issue.

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If The Students of IHS Were Mice

By AROUS ( A Rodent of Usual Size) Introduction:

In a different world (perhaps a better one), there is an IHS where the halls are full of scurrying rodents. There are some mice with dyed fur: blue, pink, and in some terrible mice fashion faux-pas, green. There are large mice, small mice, and quirky mice that recite slam poetry of questionable quality.

Some of these mice play in the orchestra, and with their calloused little paws, they wipe away the tears at their lack of a perfect rodent point average (rpa). They do all the things we do, but on smaller scales. They, too, learn scientific notation in their chemistry classes (they are just 1.0x104 times smaller than we are). “We,” though, are nonexistent. We are nothing but specters in these rodents’ nightmares. Instead of your benevolent teacher, think of a mouse that asks you to address him by his first name. And you are a mouse, burdened with backpacks filled with the tiny little notebooks that DIY’ers on Instagram show off that seem hardly practical. They are practical to you in this IHS. Teacher Mice: The mice are taught by slightly larger mice, and sometimes, you can’t tell the larger mice from the smaller mice. Take, for instance, Mr. Mouskosch, who, while an adult mouse at the ripe old age of six months, looks about one month and a half. To counteract this fact, Mr. Mouskosch grows out dark mouse whiskers and wears an adult mouse suit and tie with a herringbone pattern made of woven wheat stalks. He tells the smaller mice of their ancestors, from the beginning of recorded history 20 years ago.

We, as mice, of course, sit on our tiny desks. Yes, desks smaller than the testing desks that seem hardly big enough to fit a Regents test on their little flipout tables that look suitable for a single undersized bottle of Ginger Ale on a Delta flight.

No, they are just perfect for the mice and their small curly-cue tails, they never run out of room to bubble in random multiple choice answers on one dreadful June day.

Mice and the Feline Administration: The dreaded bane of the entire mouse population is that of the cats. They are the ones who place these small, trembling rodents in the school for two weeks to receive their education. A mouse does wonder at

the purpose of exponential graphs when they are not applicable to the mice. They look on in envy at the mammals in their math problems bringing home hundreds of watermelons that they will never taste.

doors. They boast of their 27 children in their teenagehood.

They smoke from tiny Juuls in strawberry flavors that were just banned by the large mammal government.

Mice in Gym Class:

Mice in IHS Bathrooms: The mice congregate into bathroom stalls and, clutching small pencils in their wee mousy claws, they write terrible things on the stall

In the big gyms, mice struggling in their tiny denim jeans (which mice from foreign countries ripped with unsanitary metal needles) spin around and around in their wheels that line up wall to wall. The mice are angry, and so, twitching their snouts back and forth, they protest the inclusion of this class factoring into their rpa.

Mice at Home: When the day has ended, these mice hop onto tiny buses (driven by world-weary animals who play country music on the tinny speakers) and find their way home to their burrows. Their big mice parents are weary from their grueling mice jobs. Some mice eat mealworms with their mice parents and others hide in their tiny mice bedrooms listening to older mice who scream incoherently while shredding a guitar with their pinkish claws.

Picketing Mice: Several times a year, these mice who live in warm safe burrows dig in soft supple earth and claw out bark from trees. Impaling bugs on a stick, they draw out picket signs protesting things that good old Ithaca has never been plagued with. You see, all is not well in the big wide world for these innocent mice.

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Seniors Get Creative With WISE Projects Continued from page 13 terial that’s more easily mappable. So something that’s not going to change that much like rocks. But a lot of the time, it’s more on-the-spot. I will be walking through the woods, I will notice something and say to myself I should remember that, or I will just do something with it right then and there.

Generally it takes a lot of time though, because you have to find the right location, and the location is just as important as what you are actually going to do with the materials.

You have to find and collect materials, you have to figure out how to put them together, and you have to figure out how to photograph it as well.

ER: What is the last land art sculpture you did?

NC: It’s a pretty simple one. It’s like the equivalent of a doodle. Which is just single stone balances. I think that was in Maine. I haven’t done one for a while, because in the winter I generally don’t do as many. There’s only so many things you can do with snow and ice.

ER: What are you excited about for your project?

NC: I’m excited to have my first solo exhibition, that’s going to be really cool. I’m also excited that it was not too difficult (relative to what I’ve done so far) to get a solo exhibition. So I’m excited that that’s possibly an indication of what could be coming down the road.

ER: Yes, definitely. Thank you so much for talking to me all about your project!

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Maren Korb Redecorates Antique Furniture to Sell ER: So what is your WISE project?

MK: I am buying antique furniture, and then if it has paint on it, I will strip it down, scrape all the paint off, sand it down, and design it with a new look and repaint it. Then I re-sell it on Craigslist.

ER: What types of furniture have you redone so far?

MK: The last piece I did was a dressing table. I painted it a nice blue color with white detailing, and sold it for $120.

ER: And what is something that you’re excited about for your project?

MK: I get really excited when I see an old piece of furniture, and I [think], “Oh, my God, I could totally remake that into something new.” I get really excited about transitioning it.

ER: Are the pieces usually kind of worn down and you have to transform them or are they in better shape? Or does it just depend on the piece?

MK: Well, it depends on the piece. The ones I got at the real estate sale [in North Carolina]—some of them were broken, one of them had cracks in the side that I had to fix. Generally, the paint is kind of falling off.

They’re usually in pretty bad shape and I have to repair them.

ER: Did you know how to do these things already, or are you learning how to do them with the project?

MK: My dad is a farmer, so he has a really big woodshop outside my house. He has all

the tools that I need, so I just ask my brother to teach me how to use a saw and stuff like that. So I got basic knowledge just from my Dad and my brother. And then for other things, I read books and learned how to do stuff.

ER: What do you think interests you about discovering old things?

MK: I guess I have always liked antiques and I always thought it was so cool how people used to live so differently. And I think it’s really interesting that everything around us has a story, and if you replayed everything that’s happened to it, there would be so many people just around this one piece of furniture. So I always thought that was interesting.

ER: How do you hold onto that meaning and value of something while making it new again?

MK: The pieces I have are worn down, no one was using them, so they would just be sitting in a shed or something. So I just think, “Why not take this and turn it into something new that someone can use and enjoy again?”

ER: What do you hope to learn during this project?

MK: I like being able to know how to do stuff like this. When I’m older, I really want to have a house where I have done everything myself. I want to learn how to be able to do that for myself.

ER: Thank you so much for talking to me!

Good luck with your project!

Sports

Spring Student Athlete Feature: Kalena Yearwood, Track and Field

By ASHA DUHAN

A

fter many seasons filled with success, the IHS Outdoor Track and Field team hopes to build on its past victories and continue to break records.

Coming off a very successful indoor track and field season, with a first-place finish at State Qualifiers for Weight Throw, and an astounding third-place finish in the Emerging Elite Section of New Balance Indoor Nationals, Kalena Yearwood ‘19 hopes to continue her success into the outdoor track and field season. I recently sat down with Kalena to discuss her goals for the upcoming outdoor season, and her plans for continuing track and field in college.

Asha Duhan ‘19: Why did you choose to do track?

Kalena Yearwood ‘19: Originally, my mother said that I needed to choose a spring sport in 7th grade, and I had to choose between track and lacrosse. I ended up choosing track because I really liked the large number of events, and there was lots of variety to choose from, based on abilities and interests.

Starting out, I was a runner, and primarily ran the 100m and the 200m. Throughout the season, I proved that I was flexible and strong, [and] my coach recommended that I would be better suited to throw shot put and discus.

AD: How was your last indoor track season?

Did you accomplish your individual goals?

KY: It went much better than I expected. I always set high goals for myself, and I did not quite meet them . . . I wanted to push myself to a new level of mental preparation in competition, but I did not meet my goal directly. In addition, as a co-captain, I wanted to try to be one of the best leaders that I could be, act as a role model that my teammates could look up to. Despite my progress

and achievement, I still think I have a lot more work to do.

AD: How do you feel your last indoor track season was different from other seasons?

KY: I was definitely more mature. I envisioned my success more. With my junior track season, I saw a plateau with my technique. My mentality coming into senior year was that I could do anything I wanted to, and that I should advance many steps further than I did last year. I also wanted to go out with a bang, become more mature, and be ready for the competition.

AD: What are your personal and team goals for the outdoor track season?

KY: Going into the outdoor season, for shot put, I want to throw farther, and go after one of the high school records that has stood for 36 years. I was able to break that record, and now I hold a current record for shot put. In the spring, for discus, I want to improve my technique, and throw more fluidly. In terms of our team goals, I want to help build a more cohesive team that is like a family. We also want to win STAC and do well at Ithaca Relays.

AD: Do you plan to continue track in college?

KY: Towards the end of my junior year, I was recruited to continue throwing in college, and I am in the process of being recruited now. By the end of junior year, when I went to states, I started to be contacted by many coaches. I contacted coaches too, and the process has been interesting, as I’ve learned to develop my own individuality. I think the most important lesson I’ve learned from the recruitment process is to take initiative and reach out.

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The Champions League so Far, and What is to Come

By MAX PETROV

E

very year, the Champions League is the most exciting soccer tournament in Europe. The biggest and most successful clubs of Europe compete to lift the European Cup. So far, this tournament has not disappointed the viewers; in fact, it has had the exact opposite effect.

The first, second, and third qualifying rounds went as usual, with the only interesting moment coming when Serbian club Red Star Belgrade progressed all the way from the first qualifying round, eventually reaching the group stage. The group stage proved to be much more entertaining than the qualifying rounds. Most groups had obvious winners, but the group with SSC Napoli, Liverpool, and Paris-Saint Germain was wide open. On the first matchday, Inter Milan managed a stunning comeback against Tottenham Hotspur, scoring two late goals to overturn a tie where they played poorly.

Then, Liverpool won in a 3-2 thriller against Paris-Saint Germain, scoring a 91st-minute goal. Elsewhere, the reigning champions of England, Manchester City, somehow managed to lose to Lyon Olympique, 2-1 at home, and many started doubting their strength.

Everywhere else, matches went as expected, except for perhaps SSC Napoli drawing 0-0 against the outsiders Red Star Belgrade.

On matchday two, Tottenham Hotspur continued their woes, getting demolished by the strength of FC Barcelona, and their hope of progressing to the knockout stages appeared to be rapidly disappearing. Real Madrid then proceeded to somehow lose 0-1 to CSKA Moscow, completely baffling the soccer world. The reigning Champions League Trophy holders, Real Madrid, never really looked to be in the game, and deserv20 APRIL 2019

edly lost. Then, SSC Napoli beat Liverpool 1-0, putting Liverpool in a tough spot to qualify. On matchday three, Paris-Saint Germain drew in a very intense game 2-2 with SSC Napoli, and allowed themselves to keep their shot at qualification. Barcelona handily dispatched Inter Milan 2-0, securing their spot in the play-offs. Matchday four was marked with two upsets, the first coming when Liverpool absolutely bombed out and lost to Red Star Belgrade 0-2. The second surprise occurred when Manchester United scored two late goals to take out a seemingly unstoppable Juventus, winning 2-1. On the penultimate matchday, Paris-Saint Germain beat Liverpool in a very close game, 2-1, and essentially guaranteed themselves a place in the play-offs. Tottenham also beat Inter Milan 1-0, and gave themselves a slim chance at reaching the next round. The final matchday proved very interesting, with Inter Milan bottling their chance of progression by drawing with PSV Eindhoven, and Tottenham managing a draw with Barcelona. SSC Napoli wasn’t able to hold out, and promptly exited the competition at the hands of Liverpool. Finally, one of the most exciting games of the group stage ended up being AFC Ajax versus Bayern Munich, which ended 3-3 with two red cards. The 16 best teams then progressed to the knockout stages.

In the first leg of knockouts, Manchester United was destroyed by Paris-Saint Germain 2-0, and many considered the tournament over for them. Tottenham then promptly dispatched Borussia Dortmund 3-0, all the while looking very confident.

Lyon and Barcelona played out a goalless draw on the same day as Liverpool and Bayern Munich, whose match also ended 0-0.

One of the biggest matches of the group stage, Juventus v Atletico Madrid, turned out to be a very one-sided affair, and Atletico won 2-0. Perhaps the most interesting match was Manchester City and Schalke.

Most experts thought that Manchester City would steamroll Schalke, yet it turned out to be a very tense affair, with Manchester City barely squeaking out a 3-2 victory AFC Ajax then lost to previous champions Real Madrid 1-2 in a very close game. The second leg brought more surprises. AFC Ajax “wiped the floor” with Real Madrid, winning 4-1, and Real Madrid looked poorer than ever before. Tottenham cooly beat Borussia Dortmund 1-0, in a fairly straightforward match.

AS Roma, after winning the first leg 2-1 against Porto, lost in a tense affair thanks to a 117th minute penalty, bringing the score to 3-1 for Porto. The last match was Manchester United against Paris-Saint Germain.

Nobody believed in Manchester United being able to overcome a two goal deficit away from home, especially considering that ten first team members were absent from Manchester United, forcing them to field 17- and 19-year-olds from the reserve team. In the end, the match turned out to be crazy, with both sides having good chances, but in the end, Manchester United won 3-1 thanks to a 95th-minute penalty. Paris-Saint Germain bottled another very good opportunity to progress to the Champions League quarter finals for the third year in a row. Overall, the Champions League so far has had many surprises, and will surely only get more interesting as it progresses.

Sports

March marked an annual milestone for basketball fans. Millions of fans around the world were in the grips of March Madness!

IMAGE FROM NBC NEWS

All the Madness in March

By IRENA ROSENBERG

I

n the aftermath of Selection Sunday, the day when the NCAA Selection Committee revealed the bracket of the 68 teams that will compete in March Madness, the competition is heating up in NCAA basketball. Conference championships ran up right until Selection Sunday on March 17, and many teams secured an automatic bid into the tournament. Most websites and experts agree on the top competing teams: Gonzaga, Virginia, Duke, Tennessee, Kentucky, Michigan, and UNC. Gonzaga, Duke, and Tennessee have remained in the top 5 throughout the season, despite injuries and substitutions. Michigan and Michigan State have had quite the seasons as well, remaining in the Top 10 for the whole year.

While clear favorites, there is still the possibility that neither Duke nor UNC will even make it to the Final Four; that is, if burn-out comes into play, and Zion Williamson’s absence of a shoe sole has a relapse. The two teams are almost interchangeable at this point, and some of the equally seeded teams can just as easily take them out. These two teams’ stats are just as close as their contentious rivalry with one another. Both teams have incredible freshmen who have played the game like no one has ever seen before.

Similarly, Michigan and Michigan State have had amazing seasons. Their closeness

in ability was demonstrated in their past two games against each other, where Michigan State won by margins of only seven and twelve points. Overall, No. 2 seeds have good enough resumes to compete with the top-tier teams.

I predict that Gonzaga, Virginia, Kentucky, and Duke will go all the way, becoming the Final Four, and here is why. Gonzaga has been strong all season, with 30 wins and two losses. Each member of the starting five averages above 10 points per game, while their free throw percentage is 76.8% percent. They are an aggressive and intense team to come up against, so the whole tournament needs to watch out for them. They did just lose to Saint Mary’s by a fair margin, but spectators will just have to have faith in their already stellar record.

The Virginia Cavaliers are ranked first in their conference, with eight KenPom A game wins (KenPom is a highly-ranked live college basketball stats website). Their defense has conceded fewer than 60 points in each of their last six games, and their threepoint accuracy is impeccable, scoring 18 baskets from beyond the arc in their game against Syracuse in early March.

Tennessee is also considered a top seed, but Kentucky had them beat with a 19-point win. KenPom ranks Kentucky two spots

higher than Virginia. The Wildcats have appeared in the NCAA Tournament 57 times, winning the national championship eight times (most recently in 2012). They’ve made it to the Final Four 17 times, so they are very familiar with the name of the game. Overall, Kentucky has always been a powerhouse for basketball, and I think they have a chance at reaching the Final Four.

Lastly, Duke has had phenomenal performance on the court by the freshmen.

Though young, they are mighty powerful, with Zion Williamson and RJ Barett leading the pack. Towering 6 feet and 7 inches high, Williamson was named ACC Player of the Year, ACC Rookie of the Year, and ACC Tournament MVP. He achieved his career high of 30 points against Wake Forest. Honestly, whoever is being coached by Coach K in this tournament has the odds forever in their favor. He has appeared fourteen times in March Madness as a No. 1 seed and had 94 career wins in the NCAA tournament.

Nonetheless, March Madness is an occasion to pick a random contestant just for the fun of it, so do not shy away from selecting an upset or two. After all, no one except diehard Ramblers expected Loyola to go as far as they did last March Madness.

APRIL 2019

21

Literary

Haiku Contest Winner:

Don’t Panic It’s Organic

By Carter Anderson and Sam Glaubitz Slimy fish love you.

Lonely older men do too.

Have an open mind.

Eat Fresh

By Christopher Rachlinski Lettuce piled high Mayonnaise strewn everywhere No meat is in sight.

April’s Debut

By Anna Cohen Ha! A day of pranks What a way to start the month Unsuspecting? Same

Untitled

By Meira Braun nope I’m not gonna not today never ever you cannot make me so you shouldn’t even try nope I won’t do it I will not do my homework so goodnight, goodbye.

Untitled

By Anna Westwig Yeet, Skeet smell my feet give me something good to eat this poem sure is sweet’

22

APRIL 2019

Untitled

By Jeffrey Lantz College letters come, Anything could be inside Oh. Disappointing. ~March Madness

Louder Than Words

By Tilden Chao I never knew her name, nor her age, although she couldn’t have been much older than 18. Our encounter was memorialized in a single photograph, capturing the yellows, greens, and reds of her kente cloth, and the geometry of her flowing dreadlocks.

Her legs were covered in a thin film of hair, obscuring dark bruises and scars. There was sadness in her eyes, fear in her lips, but fierce tightness in her upraised fist.

In her other hand, she held a rough handdrawn sign on white paper, stapled to a rigid cardboard spine. In haste, she neglected to fill in all her bubble letters with equal darkness, and left smudges of black sharpie around the corners. Accompanying the words “BLACK POWER” lay an inverted exclamation point. By her side was a halfempty bottle of water, a crumpled granola bar wrapper, and two lifeless cigarette butts.

A crowd surrounded her, some holding up images of the late Heather Heyer, and some proudly waving “Black Lives Matter” signs in the swampy heat. Volunteers held hot burritos and chilled water bottles in their outstretched hands, promising a long and stressful day ahead. An anti-fascist sprinted through the background. His hockey pads, black skateboarding helmet, and bandana blurred together in a black streak across the frame.

As reporters threw questions at her and as counter-protesters snapped her photo, she sat in the same position, heavily breathing, but never talking. I watched her for several minutes, wishing I could talk to her, but knowing that I would never receive a response. In the background, I heard poets and speakers imploring the audience for love, unity, and compassion. I heard raucous jeers and poignant songs about hate, loss, and understanding. But at the heart of Freedom Plaza, she chose silence in a

tornado of rhetoric, and stillness in a swath of mayhem.

When I remember August 12, 2018—the one year anniversary of the terror at Charlottesville—I keep remembering this woman who never spoke, who never moved, but who told me so much. While I look at this single image from the rally, I remember the sounds, smells, and sights that surrounded me. I remember feeling a strong sense of community, people who were just as willing to protest hate as I was.

Yet this woman challenged everything I witnessed, with her concept of “POWER” as a stark silence that deliberately created a wall between us.

Her silence told a story of generations of suffering, suppressed expression, and a struggle to create change in a country working against her. Her youthfulness told the story of a young adult, fearful and inexperienced, but with the intense desire to ignite change and social contemplation.

And her resistance to convention showed deep thought and purpose to her protest.

Instead of telling everyone what was already obvious, she chose to tell what was hidden— her inner alienation with our country and her deep love for her race. Sometimes, it isn’t my place to join in a movement, or pretend I have a place in arguing about a deeply rooted societal issue. But I can understand struggle, register pain, and relay messages to other people until her silent messages speak louder than the crowd.

Water Flowing

By Zachary Foley Water running deep Into the land it will seep Whether it is rain or snow Precipitation causes water to flow In the stream or in the creek Or even from a ceiling leak Water will continue to flow That is a fact that we all know

Literary

Surrealio

By Ethan Carlson

April Sudoku 9 3

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March Solution

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APRIL 2019

23

Penultimate

The Signs as Different Ways to Cook a Potato

By SOPHIE WRAY

Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19):

Mash it up, baby. Throw some butter in there! Some salt! Some pepper too, why not!

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21):

Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20):

Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21):

Cheesy potatoes! Sliced/scalloped, arranged in a nice little pan, topped with cheese and baked till they’re nice and crispy!

Gemini (May 21 - June 20):

Potato skins. You gotta make use of every lil’ bit of that spud.

Gnocchi! Imagine you are in Italy, with a breeze on your face, as you sit on a balcony eating these delicious potato-y pasta-y little nubs of goodness.

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19):

If you want to get crazy, make potato chips.

Cancer (June 21 - Jul 22):

Get in touch with your French culinary side and make some fries.

Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22):

Baked potatoes, and you could go wild, maybe throw on some sour cream, even bacon? Chives too.

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18):

Tater tots.

Potato wedges! Very versatile. You can use any kind of spud you’d like. Purple, Yukon, Russet. Wedge ‘em all.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22):

Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20):

Get those little ones, the cute little round ones. Boil them. Then butter them up. Little bites of buttery carbs, oh yum.

Potato soup! Potato leek soup? Sweet potato soup. All the potato soups.

Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 22):

Hash browns! Shred the potato up to bits and fry ‘em in a big old cast iron.

The Coolness Spectrum

Cool

Uncool

Integrous

The Tattler “Unpacking the 4 -core values”

Earth day Culture of love

Muddy Mud College rejections

Tenacious

Compassionate Jason “JT” Trumble

Watery mud Seniors doing homework

Luvelle Brown

Spring pep rally

Collegeboard

Owning 24

APRIL 2019

College acceptances

Spring break

Participating in Earth day

April Fools’

IHS Down to Just Three Core Values After Latest Budget Cuts

By ONE COMPASSIONATE BOI

L

ast week, IHS students were shaken by a sudden proclamation from the principal. “Attention, students,” Mr. Trumble’s voice said over the announcements. “It is with a heavy heart that I make this announcement: beginning April 1, 2019, IHS will be a compassion-free zone.”

The decision to remove that particular Core Value™ came after the Board of Education (BoE) concluded that continuing to have four of them was fiscally unsustainable.

“Unless we are to consider a substantial raise in taxes, there is simply no room in the budget to afford Four Core Values™,” the BoE said in a statement released in early March.

“We leave it to the IHS administration to decide which of the four to eliminate, but by the end of the month we expect the school to downsize to just three Core Values™.”

Following the Board of Education’s announcement, the community was divided over which principle should be renounced.

“If we’re being honest, I’m not sure what ‘tenacity’ actually means, so I’d like to get rid of that,” said Julian Perry ‘19, who was worried about the presence of big, confusing words.

“Personally, I object to the school’s obsessions with ‘ownership.’ The word connotes private property, and sounds like an explicit endorsement of capitalism. Rather un-Ithacan of IHS,” said Isaiah Gutman ‘19, another student vocal on the issue. For some, the idea of parting with any of the Core Values™ was simply unbearable. “I am the Four Core Values™. If the school takes away one of them, they’ll be taking away a little part of 8

me,” said William Wang ‘19, as he showed off the letters T-E-N-A and C-I-T-Y tattooed on his knuckles.

For the final decision to put compassion on the chopping block, the school cited its uselessness in achieving financial success in this cruel world of ours. “Too much emphasis on compassion means we fail to teach students how to effectively exploit their peers for profit,” said a statement released by the school on the day of its big announcement.

The statement continued, “Do we really want to graduate a bunch of ‘compassionate’ students who generously help others? Or do we want to graduate a class of winners?”

The Board of Education, expressing optimism about IHS’s future as a compassion free school, has already begun looking for similar cost cutting measures. The board plans to vote next week on a resolution that will cut costs in the music de-

partment by eliminating the musical staff in all sheet music; the move is estimated to save hundreds in printing costs annually.

APRIL FOOLS’ 2019

Crossword

April Fools’

April Fools Day Crossword 1

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3. April is named after this greek goddess

5. What's that? big scary fuzzy thing sneaking into my house putting candy in a basket.

2. These cute little flowers that start to poke their heads out of the ground this month

4. Hey everybody, it's April 1st today's the day everyone makes a this of themselves

1. On this day, April 22nd, we celebrate our planet, the _____

2. The _____ hit an iceberg and sunk on April 14th, 1912

Down

Across

5. Each april this form of literature is celebrated

6. Certain rock associated with people's astrological signs

6. This. it's this month. that's what this is.

8. April showers brings may _____

7. _____ day, _____ returns, _____ deductions, _____ breaks, etc. etc.

9

8

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Sudoku

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5 APRIL FOOLS’ 2019

7

April Fools’

Enemies of the Library Book Sale Returns to Ithaca By (?)

F

or the third year in a row, Ithaca will host the Enemies of the Library Book Sale. The Book Sale, which will occur this April, has developed and grown in protest of the Friends of the Library Book Sale, a long-time Ithaca institution. The Friends of the Library (FotL) Book Sale sells used, donated books at low prices in order to fundraise for the Tompkins County Public Library. In contrast, the Enemies of the Library (EotL) Book Sale rents both new and used books at or above market rates in order to provide larger raises for corporate higher-ups.

The major backers of the EotL Book Sale point to current market trends as a major factor in their success. One marketing representative for Barnes & Noble, Inc., the main group behind the EotL Book Sale, stated, “All the evidence right now is pointing in favor of our model. Why would anyone want to have to go to a library and read books for free when they can have the convenience of just going to a bookstore and paying several times the value of that same book? Sometimes you just have to use common sense.”

The representative further attacked the FotL Book Sale by noting the hypocrisy involved.

“At the Friends of the Library Book Sale, you can go in and pay ridiculously low amounts for a book and then keep it. If they are really “friends of the library,” as they say, then why do they allow people to keep the books?

Over here at the Enemies of the Library Book Sale, we’re improving the concept of a library by allowing people to pay for the books that they check out.” This year, for the first time, the EotL Book Sale will be shortening the book return due dates to 24 hours after checkout, as it ensures “maximum productivity and efficiency” in reading books.

Although the EotL Book Sale was established quite recently, much of the Ithaca community already views it as emblematic of what makes Ithaca great. Isaiah Gutman ‘19, a noted Republican ideologue who frequents the EotL Book Sale, noted, “I’m really glad that the Ithaca community is so welcoming to large businesses. Although the fact that the City of Ithaca is overwhelmingly conservative is probably detrimental to ideological discourse here in the long run,

Hall Monitor

it’s things like the Enemies of the Library Book Sale that remind me how reassuring it is to be in a place where large corporations are valued.” Gutman posited that something like the EotL Book Sale would never survive elsewhere, musing that “here in the Ten Square Miles of Reality, we understand that corporations have a God-given right to screw us over, unlike those [expletive] liberals downstate who think they can deny Bezos the welfare he deserves.”

In an interview with the Tattler, Friends of the Library Book Sale organizers confirmed that the number of books donated has declined considerably since the founding of the EotL Book Sale. “We kind of knew that it was going to happen eventually,” said one organizer. “The truth is that it just isn’t a sustainable model for us to keep selling books at reasonable prices. Nobody wants that, especially not here.” Nevertheless, the FotL Book Sale will once again be setting up shop starting on the first Saturday of this May, in what will most likely be another futile attempt to sell books to Ithaca customers at fair prices.

Justin Heitzman ‘20: “Yeah, it is.”

By JUSTIN HEITZMAN

Is it hard to find people to interview for the Hall Monitor?

6

APRIL FOOLS’ 2019

is confusingly similar to Big Luve, and fans may have a tough time distinguishing between the two. Who knows how much profit they’ve made off of this similarity?” Although the IHS Mock Trial team found clear grounds for a suit, potential flaws may exist in the case. The Louvre responded to an initial cease and desist letter by stating that Big Luve and the Louvre exist in different industries and different geographic areas, and that the Louvre had rights to the name first.

The ICSD legal team was swift in responding to these claims, stating, “The Louvre may have existed for over two centuries, but Superintendent Brown has always been Big Luve. As the NY Superintendent of the Year, a bestselling author, and a bodybuilding icon, the museum has been defrauding Big Luve’s worldwide fanbase since its foundation. He transcends borders and industries. He’s more popular than Jesus. It’s time for justice.”

While Superintendent Brown couldn’t be reached for comment, a letter from Big Luve to the Louvre was uncovered by the Tattler.

April Fools’

He was succinct in his remarks, stating, “I have the power of God and anime on my side. Do you really want to mess with me?”

He attached an image with his letter, displaying his incredibly threatening physique.

With the odds stacked against its favor, the Louvre has had to look elsewhere to construct its defense. “We can’t be guilty if we didn’t know about him, right?” said a spokesperson for the museum at a press conference. Tattler foreign correspondent Karuna Prasad ‘20 was quick to point out that it is, in fact, impossible to not know about Superintendent Brown.

As both parties gear up for the legal showdown in April, ICSD has been clear in outlining its rewards for damages. “We think the Mona Lisa would look pretty great in the proposed welcome center in Activities #CapitalProject” tweeted Superintendent Brown. Of course, if the Louvre is unwilling to part ways with the priceless piece, the district has said that they’d instead accept a settlement equivalent to the Mona Lisa’s estimated $730 million value.

Industry Giants Taken Down By #MeToo Win Big At Oscars

By RONAN FARROW

T

he 91st Annual Academy Awards had some surprises when it came to winners. The Best Soundtrack winner, an audio clip published by the New Yorker of Harvey Weinstein pressuring a woman to come to his hotel room, was considered by many to be too palatable. Some critics argued that the Access Hollywood tape in which “The Apprentice” host Donald Trump bragged about sexually assaulting women was a better depiction of misogyny and and sexual harassment.

Harvey Weinstein saw many victories throughout the night. He was a shoo-in for the award for Best Set Design, specifically for his masterful creations of fake hotel lobbies into which aspiring actresses were often lured. To no surprise, his “assistant,” who had many brilliant performances involving tricking young women into going to private hotel

suites where they were harassed by Weinstein, won Best Supporting Actress. During his acceptance speech for the Best Picture award, Weinstein made a confusing allusion to a possible future career in rap music, saying, “I will be spitting bars for a long time.” In a brilliant piece of investigative journalism, I, Ronan Farrow (age 31), discovered that he would in fact be “sitting behind bars for a very long time.”

Perhaps the biggest surprise of the night came when Aziz Ansari won Best Short Film.

His film involved a semi-consensual sexual encounter with a woman. Ansari himself seemed surprised, and generously called disgraced actor and undeserving representative of the gay community, Kevin Spacey, up on stage with him to share the award. Spacey’s film, also a nominee, documented his drunken, aggressive experiences with young boys.

Co-hosts Matt Lauer and Les Moonves kept the tone light and accommodating throughout the night, making repeated references to the edginess of many of the nominated films and their ability to “get away with stuff ” while remaining powerful. Some felt that the hosts “went too far” when they mocked Lifetime Achievement winner Bill Cosby for the jail time he will serve. Former Democratic Senator Al Franken chimed in on Twitter about the joke, saying, “The joke tried to create a culture of accountability where there shouldn’t be one.”

Ronan Farrow’s story on the Weinstein accusations can be read here: https://www. newyorker.com/news/news-desk/from-aggressive-overtures-to-sexual-assault-harvey-weinsteins-accusers-tell-their-stories

APRIL FOOLS’ 2019

5

Leftist Section

Leftist Infighting

By ALLEGED WRECKER

T

his week, IHS’s political clubs experienced an unexpected realignment.

The Communalist Center Party (CCP), a club founded two years ago with the goal of spreading the theories of late theorist Murray Bookchin, was decimated by a split within its ranks. Claiming that the old party’s leaders were out-of-touch misogynists who loved pretending they can read theory, roughly half the Party quit and founded a rival group. The new Party, which they christened the “Progressive Communalist Alternative,” instead follows the teachings of Debbie Bookchin, labeling her father’s work counterrevolutionary and boring.

A representative of the CCP told The Tattler that the breakaway group was comprised

of foolish “live action role players” (LARPers) who have no idea how to start a revolution.

For their part, the CCP has declared they do not consider Debbie Bookchin heretical; they simply hold that she is “for good or evil, the Joseph Goebbels of our time.” Both groups have soundly denounced Murray Bookchin’s former mistress Janet Biehl for her sexual distraction of the thinker, which they contend led to his eventually correct dismissal of so-called “lifestyle anarchism” because he was so disgusted with his own vices. This is the second split the CCP has been involved in, since it split off from the Revolutionary Communalist Confederation over a dispute with the pro-Abdullah Ocalan faction.

On Twitter, many obscure left-wing mi-

Maoist Boe

By THIRD WORLD PROBLEM

W

ith the fight against raising teachers’ salaries in full swing, Dr. Luvelle Brown and ICSD’s Central Administration decided to innovate their tactics. After a long couple of weeks spent deep in study with members of the local Workers World Party chapter, Dr. Brown emerged with changed rhetoric. In his first public comment, he declared that ICSD did not recognize the autonomy of the socalled “Republic of China” (also known as Formosa). Brown also denounced what he called “wreckers,” or those in ICSD who hold Trotskyist and other Revisionist viewpoints.

A representative of the CCP told The TIn the most recent negotiation session with the

Ithaca Teachers Association (ITA), whose negotiation team Brown refers to as “the Four Olds,” Brown and other Board members attacked the association in strong terms.

Brown decried the ITA’s leadership for focusing on their wages and benefits while “living in the imperial core itself.” One anonymous, very cool Board member (one might say he is a rad stranger) claimed ICSD’s teachers were quite decadent to request better working conditions when considering the exploitation and extraction faced by underdeveloped nations in the Global South. When the negotiating team asked for Brown’s counter-proposal, he presented them with what he termed the “Protracted People’s Budget,”

nor celebrities felt the need to weigh in.

Writer Amber A’lee Frost protested that “these Trots and their identity politics are getting out of control,” seemingly unaware of any context at all. Perhaps she was simply commenting on her own hateful obsession with immigrant horse girls. Frost’s ally Anna Khachiyan decided that the communalists’ focus on “the bogus bourgeois concern with global warming or whatever is really damaging their credibility with young people” and her podcasting co-host Dasha Nekrasova added “lol i wish bookchin was more sexist.”

As always, the last word was taken by President Trump, who mocked the parties, asking if “these silly children know that the best Murray is Rothbard, I really like his position on slavery, very smart guy!” The 1,355 students at IHS not in either party could not be reached for comment, since they presumably had better things to do with their day.

which included provisions to tie increased salary to sufficient self-criticism in yearly teacher evaluations, withholding of pay for participating in “bourgeois electoral politics” like marches and rallies, and half of the district’s budget earmarked to be sent to the Venezuelan government to “fight gusanos.”

The ITA has yet to release an official response to these developments. However, our sources indicate that at least one member of their negotiating team accused the Board of being “social imperialists” who were more concerned with “woke cred” than adhering to the science of dialectical materialism. One ITA representative criticized Brown’s support for China’s invasion of Vietnam, maintaining that it was not only an overreach but supported US interests in the region. That representative questioned whether Brown had gotten around to reading Enver Hoxha yet.

Luvelle Brown Sues the Louvre

By THE GRAND LUVE PYRAMID

O

n February 29, 2019, ICSD staff and students learned that Superintendent Luvelle Brown, better known as “Big Luve,” would be using the district’s legal team to sue the Louvre Museum for 4

trademark infringement. The Louvre Museum, established in 1793, was surprised to hear of the suit, and plans to defend itself in court on April 1.

“To me, this is a blatant violation of

longstanding trademark law,” said Rohil Khatkhate ‘20, president of the IHS Mock Trial Club, which is consulting the ICSD legal team in the case. “The name ‘Louvre’

Continued on next page

APRIL FOOLS’ 2019

Staff 2018 – 2019 Editor-in-Chief

Morbidly Obese Luve ’19 luve@ihstattler.com

News Editor

Tall Luve ’19 luve@ihstattler.com

Opinion Editor

Communist Luve ’19 luve@ihstattler.com

Features Editor

Oompa Loompa Luve ’19 luve@ihstattler.com

Arts Editor

Louvre Luve ’20 luve@ihstattler.com

Sports Editor

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bad of a day LUVE is having.

3. Rules of the Hallways 1. Traffic Control 1. All walkers must stay within the speed range of 2-4 mph (3-6 ft/s) during rush hours.

2. Walkers must follow all signs and traffic lights and remain to the right of the lane line unless instructed by an administrator.

3. In sections of hallways with lockers, there must always be a one-shoulderwidth space where walkers are prohibited unless they are parking.

2. Intersections and Turns 1. Walkers must slow down to below 3 mph when making turns.

2. Left Turns 3. When making left turns, walkers must make a turning radius of at least three shoulder-widths to prevent collisions.

3. Passing 1. One does not need to pass, therefore you shall not pass.

4. Parking 1. Parking must take less than 45 seconds during rush hours.

5. Emergencies 1. Any emergency requires a staff member to accompany the student(s) related to the emergency. If quick transport is required, (1) a hold in place will be initiated during class hours or (2) all students will be required to create a two shoulder-width path in the center of the hallway.

6. Cellular or Mobile Telephones while Walking 1. The current cell phone protocol has been extended to hallways, therefore all electronic devices must be put away.

4. Walking Tips 1. A hallway is approximately six shoulder-widths apart, therefore walkers should avoid walking shoulder-to-shoulder in groups of three or more.

2. Stagger your steps from the person in front of you—walking in unison may result in the amplifying disturbance of asbestos from the resonant frequency of the building matching the frequency of the steps.

3. Do not tailgate.

4. Do not make LUVE unhappy.

Faculty Advisor

Big “Big Luve” Luve luve@ihstattler.com

April Fools’

H-Courtyard Quarantined After Latest Senioritis Outbreak

By JULIAN PERRY ’19 ’20

T

hroughout March, thirteen members of the class of 2019 were hospitalized after showing symptoms for the serious medical condition known as “senioritis.” After it was discovered that all thirteen had been in H-Courtyard in the days before the condition’s onset, the area was immediately quarantined. Students who were present in H-Courtyard at the start of the quarantine have not been permitted to leave, for fear that they may have contracted the deeply contagious condition.

“The senioritis epidemic is a serious issue facing our nation’s youth, and recognizing the symptoms early is key to fighting it,” the Surgeon General wrote in a report released earlier this year. “High school seniors seeming less uptight than usual are encouraged to see their doctors immediately.” Other symptoms to watch out for include low grades, general laziness, and frequent absences from Gov and Econ classes.

Although senioritis makes yearly appearances at IHS, 2019 has seen the most severe outbreak in recent memory. Many victims were caught off guard by the unexpected onset of the condition. “I never thought it would happen to me,” said one IHS senior who chose to remain anonymous due to the stigma surrounding the condition. “One day I was thinking, ‘Hey, maybe my Gov homework isn’t that important.’ The next morning, I woke up in a hospital bed, and the doctor told me that I had contracted senioritis.” Hoping to control the spread of senioritis, ICSD has urged all students to report any of their peers who have been showing symptoms.

“When you see a friend of yours arriving to school late, or forgetting to do their calculus homework, it is up to you to report them before it’s too late,” Mr. Trumble told seniors during an assembly held to address the senioritis crisis. “If you see something, say something.”

The status of the students still quarantined in H-Courtyard remains unknown. However, their low GPAs and the unshaven appearance of the group’s males suggest that senioritis has gotten to them too. Senioritis, unfortunately, has no known cure, and may continue to afflict students until graduation takes place.

March 2019

3

April Fools’

Traffic Lights and Turn Signals in School: IHS’s Hallway Traffic Revolution

By Explosive Unicycle

Y

ou find yourself walking at what most would consider a normal pace (~1.5 steps/sec) between the cafeteria and G-building to get to your next class in K. Approaching the intersection, you are confronted by a wall of sweaty teenagers, all struggling to move at vastly different speeds and directions. Some are sprinting without an awareness of their flailing extremities, and others are standing cluelessly in the center of the hallway. A gradual rise of rage and frustration grows within you, until you realize with dread that you were walking on the left side of the hallway the entire time, a crime no less atrocious. This rollercoaster of emotions causes you to collapse onto your knees, crying and cursing at the building’s god-awful design and the integrity of humanity. People start to step over you as they anticipate the next bell. You decide to lie there for a little while longer on the

The new and improved turn signal technology 2

grimy floor. Why even try anymore?

Sound familiar? Luckily, IHS will finally take its first measures to fix this serious issue. The countless instances of medical emergencies and hazardous behavior over the past decade or so have resulted in a tremendous aggregation of student and teacher complaints, as well as a hefty collection of distasteful Google reviews and angry tweets. The Student Council worked with the BoE last December to develop a policy of an entirely new caliber. They formed the Navigable Hallway Traffic Safety Association (NHTSA), a student-run organization aimed to administer the flow of human traffic at IHS. The NHTSA has written a set of rules and regulations and will work with school administrators to enforce them. “We definitely feel pretty stupid not coming up with it much earlier,” BoE Representative and president of the NHTSA Van U. Cadillac ‘19 explained. “It’s obvious in hindsight, but creating this organization was a stroke of luck—it’s a true blessing to our school.

We expect it to solve all other problems like poverty, global warming, or even the bathrooms here! . . Actually, I take that last one back. Sorry, I got ahead of myself.”

The idea to solve the traffic problem isn’t completely original at IHS, however. The Student Council’s honest but inadequate attempt to maintain some sort of order on stairwells in 2017 involved placing tape marks to guide the traffic, but ultimately was ineffective due to the lack of enforcement. Knowing this, Student Council President and NHTSA Chairman KaChow ‘19 took priority in making sure all students strictly follow the set guidelines. For example, security cameras driven by artificial intelligence will be dispersed throughout the school to capture the movements of every individual, serving both as speed detectors and student monitoring. With this implementation, security cameras will quintuple in quantity, intended to create a sense

of order and safety. In E-building, however, the number of security cameras will not change, because the board members agreed that there were already plenty just in the hallway corner in front of the Code Red closet.

“How will these implementations directly affect me?” you may be asking. Cadillac and KaChow insist that the transition to this new approach will be seamless. “Students will only be required to take a weeklong course on walking and pass an exam before they are allowed to step foot in the campus. They’re also expected to purchase a set of side-view mirrors, turn signals, speedometers, and horns,” Cadillac said, “Aside from that, just follow the rules and you’ll be fine!”

IHS Hallway Traffic Rules and Regulations Handbook 1. Definitions 1. Walker: An individual who walks.

2. Non-walker: An individual who is unable to walk.

3. Class hour: A 45-minute time period during which class takes place.

4. Rush hour: A 5-minute time period that occurs between classes.

5. Parking: Stopping at the side of the hallway to access one’s locker.

6. Shoulder-width: The width of an average shoulder.

2. Information for Walkers 1. Penalties 1. Penalties are analyzed by cameras driven by an artificial intelligence program called LUVE. 2. A walker’s penalty for a traffic violation or crime ranges from 0.01 to 1.00 points from the GPA depending on the severity of the violation and how

APRIL FOOLS’ 2019

GETTING TYPE LAID SINCE 1892 April Fools’ 2019 • Estd. 1892 • Vol. 126 #8 • Published Monthly • www.ihstattler.com Ithaca High School, 1401 North Cayuga Street, Ithaca, NY 14850 • FREE

Traffic Lights and Turn Signals in School Page 02

Luvelle Brown Sues the Louvre Page 05

Enemies of the Library Book Sale Returns to Ithaca Page 06