April 2022

1

EDITORIAL

IHS TATTLER APRIL 2022 | VOL. 129 | NO. 8

APPLY TO BE ON NEXT YEAR’S TATTLER BOARD! We have positions for many different skills, including editing, writing, graphic design, website managing, and more!

Go to page 12 for more information.

ALL THE NEWS THAT’S FIT TO TATTLE.

Established in 1892 Published Monthly www.ihstattler.com Ithaca High School 1401 North Cayuga Street Ithaca, NY 14850 FREE

2

EDITORIAL

Let 16-and 17-Year-Olds Vote in BoE Elections

By THE TATTLER BOARD

T

he Board of Education (BoE) makes decisions on district policy, pay, and resources, but it’s doubtful that the average IHS student could name even one member, much less recognize them on the street. However, the BoE offices are just a building over from IHS, one of the only places fully air conditioned by Lake Source Cooling. They sit in offices about fifty feet from your language class and they make important decisions that impact the district and our life at school. The BoE consists of nine members who serve three year terms, with elections for a third of the Board occuring every May. Yet high schoolers rarely interact with BoE candidates and members because the BoE’s jobs aren’t impacted by what we think of them; rather, their jobs depend on every other voting member in Ithaca.

The Tattler believes that 16-and 17-year-old students in Ithaca should be able to vote in school board elections. Sixteen-year-olds are trusted to drive, pay taxes, and work unrestricted hours; they should be trusted to vote for the people who are directly in charge of making decisions that affect their schools. Moreover, students know ICSD more intimately than anyone else, and have strong views on what they’d like to see change in their schools. If students could vote, the BoE would find it advantageous to appeal and campaign to the students they’re serving. This practice would help IHS students better understand and influence issues that pertain to them and their families.

According to Grace Lim ’23, one of the four IHS student representatives to the BoE, more student voices at the Board level are needed.

Lim explained that “We are only four people and there [are] about 1300 students at [IHS] and obviously, although we try, we cannot reach everyone.” On top of not being able to reach the whole student body, the voices of the four IHS representatives, along with the three from LACS, don’t have the impact she would like. “We voice our opinions…but of course there’s a very high chance that the board members don’t take that into account.” says Lim. The IHS junior, who is in her second year as a student representative to the BoE, believes that giving upperclassmen the vote would impact how the budget is spent, and theorizes that students would push for more of a focus on mental health support and staff pay and less on administration costs. Lim hopes that students voting would also improve the

effectiveness and adequacy of the new antiracist curriculum ICSD is hoping to roll out in the coming years. In the end Grace Lim emphasizes, “students are the ones being affected by these decisions.”

Ithaca would be far from the first place to lower the local voting age to 16. Five cities in Maryland allow 16-and 17-year-olds to vote in municipal elections. Berkeley, California lowered their voting age to 16 just for school board elections. Additionally, nearly 30 nations across the globe, including Austria, Argentina, Brazil, Germany, and the United Kingdom, allow 16-year-olds to vote in national, regional, or local elections. Sudan, Indonesia, Greece, East Timor, and more allow citizens to vote in certain elections starting at age 17.

There is no better way to motivate students to learn about politics than to afford them political agency. Giving students the vote would add needed relevance to their civics courses, potentially encouraging ICSD schools to put more attention into courses around politics and social engagement and turning voting for younger Ithacans into a civic habit. Being able to vote for the BoE would engage students in what’s happening in their community because for the first time they could make a voting difference in it. One study conducted in Austria, where the minimum voting age is 16, shows that increased political opportunities lead directly to increased political interest.

Research done at Rutgers University claims that students reach adult levels of cognitive capacity as early as 15 years old, and that the lack of brain capacity differences between a 16-year-old and a legal voter make the “current laws arbitrary.” The same researchers emphasize the importance of allowing younger people to vote in order to reflect the reality of age demographics in America as the country gets younger but voting is dominated by older demographics.

In 2018, only 30 percent of 18-25 year olds voted in the midterm elections compared to 64 percent of voters 65 and above. But a study in Denmark found that the earlier people were able to vote, the more immediately they took advantage of this right. In fact, in the five Maryland cities where 16-year-olds can vote, 16-year-olds voted at twice the rate of 18-year-olds. If students were offered the vote in local board elections, voter turnout rates would likely increase, signaling the effects of a more involved city and a healthier

Editor-in-Chief

Jinho Park ’22

editor@ihstattler.com News Editor Mukund Gaur ’24 news@ihstattler.com Opinion Editor Louisa Miller-Out ’22 opinion@ihstattler.com Features Editor Ruby LaRocca ’24 features@ihstattler.com Arts Editor Katie Lin ’22 arts@ihstattler.com Sports Editor Aitan Avgar ’22 sports@ihstattler.com Literary Editor Raia Gutman ’22 literary@ihstattler.com Back Page Editor Adowyn Ernste ’22 backpage@ihstattler.com Center Spread Editor Frances Klemm ’23 centerspread@ihstattler.com Copy Editor Adam Saar ’22 copy@ihstattler.com Photography Editor Hannah Shvets ’23 photo@ihstattler.com Graphics Editor Yasmeen Alass ’24 graphics@ihstattler.com Layout Editor Ella Keen Allee ’22 layout@ihstattler.com Business and Advertising Sammy Deol ’22 business@ihstattler.com Webmaster Tania Hao ’24 web@ihstattler.com Distribution Managers Evie Doyle and Addie HouleHitz ’23 distribution@ihstattler.com Archivist Alice Burke ’23 archive@ihstattler.com Social Media Kadek Nawiana ’22 sm@ihstattler.com Faculty Advisor Deborah Lynn advisor@ihstattler.com

3

EDITORIAL / NEWS democracy.

There are few people who know better what their school is like and the real effects of policies implemented by the BoE than the actual students. 16-and 17-year-olds, who have the brain development and lived experience to positively address and vote on

policy issues, are being directly affected by the Board of Education’s decisions—it’s beyond time for them to have a proper say in the makeup of the public body that most directly affects their day-to-day life.

Russia Has Invaded Ukraine: What’s Next?

By SAAHIL KHATKHATE

Disclaimer: this article was written in early March 2022. As such, information in this article may be outdated at the time of publication.

A

fter many months of tense buildup of Russian troops at the border between Russia and Ukraine, Russia’s soldiers have finally crossed the boundary. In the early hours of February 24, 2022, a day many world leaders hoped would never come, Russian President Vladimir Putin announced the start of a “special military operation” in Ukraine. Troops immediately began moving in from Russian and Belarusian territory, and fighting erupted in cities across the country, and especially in the capital, Kyiv. People have fled the capital and all of the country’s cities by the thousands, with over 2.5 million Ukrainian citizens having fled to neighboring countries, such as Poland, according to the United Nations (as of mid-March).

This conflict between Russia and Ukraine has been going on in the background for many years, and its sudden escalation has now triggered the biggest military crisis in Europe since the Second World War. Russia had been increasing the number of troops at the Russian-Ukrainian border over the past year, but this conflict started long before that.

When Russian President Vladimir Putin declared the beginning of what he calls a “special military operation” on February 24, he threatened mass destruction if Ukrainian forces resisted.

Putin’s public threats took place after a few months of speculation around the world of what Russia intended to do with the troops they were amassing on their border with Ukraine. Early estimates by US intelligence predicted that around 150,000 troops were surrounding the country on three sides. These concerns increased greatly in the past few months when satellite photos showed Russian equipment, such as tanks and artillery, in locations such as Belarus and Crimea.

Following Putin’s declaration, troops began to pour into Ukraine from the north, south, and east, while other targets,

The Tattler is the monthly student-run newspaper of Ithaca High School. All currently-enrolled students at Ithaca High School are welcome to submit writing and photographs. As an open forum, The Tattler invites opinion submissions and letters to the editor from all community members. Email submissions to editor@ihstattler.com or mail letters to: The Tattler 1401 North Cayuga Street Ithaca, NY 14850 Send submissions by April 15 to be included in the May issue. The Tattler reserves the right to edit all submissions. All articles, columns, and advertisements do not necessarily reflect the views of editorial staff.

To read The Tattler online, visit our website at www.ihstattler.com.

especially Kyiv, were hit with airstrikes. In the weeks since, missile strikes have ramped up and street fighting has stayed constant. While many have fled the country, Ukraine has ordered all military-aged men to stay in the country and help fight. Russia has faced extremely stiff resistance from the military and ordinary citizens alike. People around the world have been in awe of the determination of Ukrainian citizens to defend their families and cities, and fight for the independence of their country.

A major driver of this massive surge in nationalism has been Ukrainian President, Volodymyr Zelenskyy. He is a former comedian and actor with no prior political experience, but he is now perceived by the world as an excellent and revered leader. He has managed the almost impossible task of running a country under attack by one of the biggest authoritarian regimes in the world.

Zelenskyy has made it clear that he has no interest in leaving the capital, despite acknowledging that he is Russia’s number one target and his family is number two. When the US approached him about evacuating him from the capital for his safety, he reportedly responded, “The fight is here; I need ammunition, not a ride.” He has been praised by the global community since the start of the attacks for his leadership and ability to rally the Ukrainian public to fight for their country. Zelenskyy has gained his country much international support by appealing to the European Union and many other governments around the world, who collectively have applied numerous sanctions on Russian industries and oligarchs. Sanctions have added to the stiff resistance Putin is already facing; according to top US officials, intelligence has shown that Russia is suffering from heavier losses than their military had expected, and they have had trouble supplying their troops.

Although the US and other European countries are imposing massive sanctions on Russia, there is much they cannot do. Many of these countries have supplied military material to Ukraine, such as different types of missiles, and there has been talk of sending fighter jets, but all are so far unwilling to send any troops to fight, since Ukraine is not a member of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO). Sending NATO troops to a fight where no NATO countries are currently being attacked would be the equivalent of NATO declaring war on Russia, causing escalation that most Western countries do not want.

Another hot topic recently has been the idea of a “no-fly zone” over Ukraine. President Zelenskyy has pleaded for a no-fly zone to be established, but world leaders have turned it down. Such an action would require the air forces of non-involved countries to actively shoot down Russian planes who enter Ukraine’s Continued on page 4

4

NEWS / OPINION

Russia Has Invaded Ukraine: What’s Next?

Continued from page 3 airspace. This would be a direct conflict between other countries and Russia, which would lead to inevitable and unwanted escalation. President Putin has recently announced that his nuclear forces are on high alert, so escalation of this war into a potential nuclear war would be globally catastrophic.

Many events have occurred since the dissolution of the Soviet Union that led up to this deadly incursion. Ukraine was an important piece of the Soviet Union until it voted for independence in 1991, ultimately leading to the complete collapse of the Soviet Union. Ever since then, NATO has pushed closer to Russia, welcoming former Warsaw Pact countries like Estonia, Latvia, and Lithuania. In 2008, the alliance announced its intention to one day offer Ukraine membership—a proposal which was not acceptable to Russia. Putin views Ukraine joining NATO and bringing NATO closer to Russia’s borders as an existential threat.

Further, Putin still considers Ukraine to be a part of Russia, even though it is a sovereign nation. While some of Ukraine’s population towards the east identifies more with Russia than Ukraine, most of the population is very against the notion. In 2014, major protests in Kyiv forced out then-president Viktor Yanukovych (who was very friendly with Russia). In response to his expulsion, Russia annexed the Crimean peninsula in southern Ukraine and encouraged separatists to rebel in the east, until they eventually took control of a part of the eastern Donbas region.

In the years since 2014, Putin has made it very clear that he never wants Ukraine to be a part of NATO, and if they do end

up joining the alliance, there will be very severe consequences.

While Ukraine has never explicitly expressed a desire to join NATO, they have responded to Russian threats by establishing that they retain the right to do whatever they deem to be necessary, and that Russia has no say over their foreign relations.

Worldwide sanctions on Russia have already greatly impacted Russia, with the Russian currency, the ruble, tanking in value and reaching record lows in mid-March. While Russia is undergoing severe economic repercussions, economies around the world are suffering slightly as well. The goal of sanctions is mainly to affect another country’s economy without having a negative effect on your own. However, this isn’t entirely possible with Russia, as it is a major exporter of oil and gas to many European countries and the US. These nations are a big source of income for Russia—in order to cut Russia off completely, the US made the tough decision to stop buying oil from them, which has affected our oil supply. The refusal of Western countries to buy Russian oil and gas—on top of the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic—has caused the prices of gasoline to hit record highs recently.

President Joe Biden has argued that this is the price we have to pay to preserve democracy in Europe.

While Western countries may not currently offer military help in the form of direct manpower, the rest of the world will need to continue doing as much as they can to help Ukraine in their fight while attempting to avoid a direct conflict with Russia in the near future.

An “Uncivilized” Person’s View of the Russia-Ukraine Conflict

By YASMEEN ALASS

I

f you were to walk up to someone and ask about the current conflict in Ukraine, they would most likely be up-to-date and well educated on the situation. Meanwhile, if you were to ask the same person about Palestine, they wouldn’t know how to answer. Over the past several weeks, updates of the current situation in Ukraine have flooded the media. Although useful, the media coverage has shown the reality of the double standards in how the world responds to conflict. Without a doubt, what is happening in Ukraine is truly dreadful. No one should have to accept occupation and brutality. However, it only makes sense that the world’s support for Ukrainians should be identical to their support for other oppressed people. So far, the Western world’s treatment of Russia’s invasion of Ukraine has been nothing short of racist, xenophobic, and hypocritical.

Seemingly, or at least according to Western media, I am uncivilized. As someone who was born in the Middle East—a place constantly raging with conflicts, as one reporter put it—I cannot even begin to comprehend the significance of the recent events in Ukraine. In the eyes of the West, my classmate’s experiences as a refugee are nothing compared to that of the blue-eyed, blond Ukrainians. The recent media coverage of Ukraine has exposed

how the West views the Middle East. “This isn’t a place, with all due respect, like Iraq or Afghanistan, who has seen conflict rage for decades. This is a relatively civilized, relatively European city where you wouldn’t expect that or hope that it was going to happen,” said Charlie D’Agata, a reporter for CBS. Even the Prime Minister of Bulgaria stated, “These are not the refugees we’re used to. They are Europeans, intelligent, educated people.”

In both cases, the idea that people like me are uncivilized is implied. However, suggesting that people from places “like Iraq or Afghanistan” are uncivilized is quite simply wrong. The world’s first civilization, Mesopotamia, was located in present-day Iraq.

The House of Wisdom, a library and research center that was key to the Islamic Golden Age, was located in Baghdad, the capital of Iraq. The first university was founded by a Muslim woman from the Middle East. Discoveries that became the foundation of scientific and mathematical ideas were made by Middle Eastern scholars. The list of advancements made in the Middle East goes on, making it clear that in no way, shape, or form are my people uncivilized. Yet, to magnify the suffering of Ukrainians, Western media feels the need to compare the “European, intelligent” Ukrainians to the “inferior, uncivilized” Middle Easterners.

OPINION

The double standard of when to condemn oppressors has become more clear as the events in Ukraine unfold. In just a few hours, the whole world was vilifying Russia for its actions in Ukraine. Meanwhile, Israel, which has been ethnically cleansing Palestinians for 74 years, has yet to be condemned even half as much as Russia. The United States supports Israel’s inhumane occupation of Palestine, funding the apartheid regime with $3.8 billion yearly. The United States allows the genocide to continue, going as far as calling Israel’s murder and brutalization of children “self-defense.” Both Israel and Russia are committing war crimes, targeting children and adults alike. However, only one is denounced. Furthermore, as the United States criticizes Russia for attacking Ukraine, it dares not comment about its own attacks. In 2001, the United States launched attacks on Afghanistan, starting a 20-year war with devastating effects. In 2003, the United States invaded Iraq, supposedly because Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. The United States maintains that their brutal attacks were completely justifiable. In addition, Russia is being condemned for its attack on Ukraine but not its assault on Syria. Despite the fact that the same crimes are occurring simultaneously, only the invasion of Ukraine is criticized. Completely disregarding their own crimes and the vast amount of their money funding conflict in the Middle East, Western powers ironically disapprove of Russia’s crimes. The reason for this, presumably, is that now the oppressed are white, rather than of color. It seems that, to the West, if the victims are not of their color, religion, or nationality, they are unworthy.

Currently, the world applauds the Ukrainian people’s brave resistance, and rightfully so. However, if the world supports one group’s resistance, then it should support the resistance of all oppressed people. Ukrainian children are building Molotov cocktails, throwing rocks at tanks, and going to any lengths to defend their people from occupation. These children are making headlines as heroes. Now, picture the same scenario with Palestinian children instead of Ukrainians. Immediately, the Palestinian children are painted as terrorists. Nothing has changed, except that Palestinians are Middle Eastern, and Ukrainians are white Europeans.

How European countries are treating Ukrainian refugees is incredibly heartwarming. They are welcoming Ukrainians with open arms and showing them the support they deserve. However, this treatment sharply contrasts with the xenophobia that refugees from other countries are met with. Refugees from Syria, Iraq, and Afghanistan are treated as burdens while Ukrainian refugees are treated with generosity. In November 2021, asylum seekers from the Middle East were escorted by Belarusian security forces to the Polish border. The asylum seekers were illegally and violently pushed back by Poland’s border guards. Families of asylum seekers were stuck at the Belarus-Poland border, living in small tents and struggling to keep warm. At least 19 people died, most of them freezing to death. Ukrainian asylum seekers, however, were welcomed by Poland—currently, around 1.5 million Ukrainians seek refuge in Poland. Both Ukrainians and those from places like Syria are fleeing oppression and war; the only difference is their color of skin. The racism in treating refugees isn’t only affecting non-Ukrainians. Immigrants and students of color have been stuck at the borders and been told to wait their turn. Foreign students seeking a safe passage back to their coun-

5

tries were not given priority. The pain of these refugees, regardless of their ethnicity, is universal. The will to accept them should be universal as well.

The suffering of Ukrainians right now should not be downplayed. They are facing war and oppression, things that no nation should have to endure. Their resistance and bravery are admirable. Similarly, Palestinians, Syrians, Iraqis and so many other people are also suffering. Their resistance is just as admirable as that of the Ukrainians. A difference in skin color shouldn’t change that. As the world stands with Ukraine, it’s only fair that the same amount of support is given to anyone and everyone else that is oppressed.

Is Nuclear War Still a Threat?

Not Anymore

By FIONN KNUTSON

O

n July 16, 1945, the Manhattan Project conducted its first nuclear weapons test in a New Mexico desert. The Manhattan Project was a US government research program that began in 1942 with the aim to develop the first nuclear weapons. Over a year before the test, project director Leslie Groves gave his approval for nuclear testing to J. Robert Oppenheimer, a theoretical physicist who was the head of the laboratory attempting to design and build the first atomic bombs. The test, codenamed “Trinity,” was originally planned to be a controlled reaction in which the generation of chain reactions was reduced so that the billion dollars’ worth of plutonium could be recovered easily. However, Oppenheimer convinced Groves that it was necessary to test the implosion weapon in a way such that its “energy release [was] comparable with that contemplated for final use.”

Planning for the Trinity test was assigned to Kenneth Bainbridge, a professor of physics at Harvard. After a long period of design, construction, pre-tests, and calibration, the detonation was given the aforementioned time and date. At 5:29:21 a.m., the nuclear device exploded. The explosion lit the surrounding mountains up as bright as daylight and melted the desert sand into a radioactive green glass. The explosion was felt for over 100 miles, and the resulting mushroom cloud was over seven miles high. As the scientists observing the explosion began to recover from their shock, Bainbridge famously said, “Now we are all sons of bitches.” Years later, Oppenheimer recalled a verse that had entered his head from the Bhagavad Gita, a Hindu holy book: “Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.” He was right.

Within a few weeks, the US—by order of President Truman—detonated two similar bombs over Japanese cities Hiroshima and Nagasaki, killing at least 100,000 Japanese people.

Continued on page 6

6

OPINION

Is Nuclear War Still a Threat? Not Anymore Continued from page 5 The atomic bombs used on Hiroshima and Nagasaki weren’t just the first use of nuclear weapons in war. They were, and remain today, the only usage of nuclear weapons in an armed conflict. This isn’t to say that there hasn’t been a multitude of close calls since. The most well-known example was the Cuban Missile Crisis in 1961, which is often considered the closest the world ever came to a nuclear war. In response to the US placing their own ballistic missiles in Italy and Turkey and the USbacked attempted invasion in Cuba, the Soviet Union planted nuclear missiles in Cuba to deter American aggression, causing an international crisis. After thirteen days of stressful negotiations between the two states, President John F. Kennedy and Soviet First Secretary Nikita Khrushchev agreed to dismantle their nuclear weapons in Turkey and Cuba. Another close call occurred in 1967 when several of the US radar stations intended to provide an early warning of a Soviet ballistic missile attack went dark. Initially fearing that they had been disabled by the Soviet Union, the Air Force prepared nuclear bombers to take flight, but before the planes took off it was discovered that a solar flare had disrupted the radar systems. The USSR similarly came very close to launching nuclear missiles at the US. On September 26, 1983, a Soviet early-warning satellite that was seemingly operating properly indicated that the US had launched five missiles at the USSR during a time when tension between the two nations was incredibly high. Stanislav Petrov, the on-duty officer, had to make a judgment call in a matter of minutes as to whether or not the data was a false alarm. Breaking procedure, Petrov told his commanding officers that it was a false alarm because he thought it was unlikely that the US would launch only five missiles. He was right: the satellite had incorrectly detected the reflection of the sun on clouds as missile launches.

Despite all of these close calls, an all-out nuclear war has luckily been avoided for the past eighty years. Still, the question continues to loom over us: will atomic bombs ever be dropped again? Will our world see nuclear armageddon one day? It’s true that, to an extent, it’s impossible to be certain as to what the future has in store for us. With the number of previous occasions that have come close to nuclear war, it’s tempting to say that the use of nuclear weapons is inevitable and that it’s only a matter of time before they result in the doom of humanity. However, while there may have been a risk of nuclear weapons being used at points during the Cold War, for the most part, a nuclear war has never been highly probable due to the principle of Mutually Assured Destruction. In addition to this principle, changes in the international handling of nuclear weapons have made their use far less likely today than during the Cold War. Mutually Assured Destruction (MAD) is the most well-known principle preventing nuclear warfare. An all-out nuclear war between two sides would certainly result in catastrophic consequences, most likely being the complete obliteration of every party involved. As a result, neither side has any incentive to be the first one to use nuclear weapons, as the threat of a nuclear response acts as a deterrent. Nuclear war is therefore most likely to be avoided if no nuclear power expects to survive a nuclear exchange. While it sounds almost contradictory, this principle makes the construction of nuclear shelters or anti-ballistic missile systems very dangerous ideas, since a country that has less to fear from a retaliatory strike is much more likely to initiate

a nuclear strike in the first place. MAD forces the other side to build nuclear defense systems in response and further increases the risk of someone striking first. Throughout the 1950s and 60s, the US and USSR both invested heavily in the design and construction of anti-ballistic missile systems, with the hope that it would reduce the damage done from a full nuclear exchange.

These ABM systems weren’t effective enough to render nuclear destruction impossible, as their detection was never perfect and they could be overwhelmed easily. In light of this, the two nuclear states signed a treaty in 1972 that heavily limited the number of ABM systems each could control. Although this treaty isn’t in place today, existing ABM systems stand no chance against a full-scale nuclear war, and can only serve to defend a small-scale attack from a country with a minimal supply of nuclear weapons.

It is likely that no country will ever have the incentive to use nuclear weapons strong enough to outweigh the certain destruction they would bring upon themselves.

While MAD may serve as a deterrent to any country initiating the use of nuclear weapons, there remain questions about the effectiveness of the policy. One concern is that a nuclear strike could potentially destroy the ability of its target to launch a nuclear response, therefore rendering a retaliatory strike impossible. To avoid this possibility, nuclear states design their weapons systems using a combination of sea-based, land-based, and aerial launchers, thus making it very difficult for the country’s entire nuclear weapon system to be decimated before they can respond.

Another concern is that MAD requires all parties involved with the launch process to act rationally, and that despite the destructive consequences, someone might irrationally make the decision to launch a nuclear strike anyway. During the Vietnam War, this fear was wielded by Richard Nixon against the Soviet Union. Nixon feigned madness and irrationality in an attempt to look unpredictable to the Soviets, the idea being that his actions would lead the Soviets to go out of their way to avoid provoking Nixon’s anger. However, this was ineffective in ending Soviet aid to North Vietnam.

In the case that anyone in the chain of command is genuinely irrational or malicious and calls for the launch of ballistic missiles, every nuclear power has systems in place to prevent one or two people from doing so on their own. For example, on a US submarine, a nuclear missile launch requires the commanding officer, executive officer, and weapons officer to all confirm the launch by each opening safes that only they have access to, each collecting a key, and each turning the key simultaneously. This only takes place after they’ve received a launch order in the first place, which is typically not something that can be decided by a single person either. Although the president has the authority to order a nuclear launch on their own, in practice this has been undermined by other top officials. In 1974, for instance, Nixon was drinking heavily and other officials feared his emotional instability. His Secretary of Defense James Schlesinger instructed the military to ignore potential orders from Nixon to launch nuclear weapons unless he cleared them. Despite this technically being an illegal order, military officials didn’t think it was worth contending. These systems make it likely that the MAD principle will continue to be respected.

It’s also worth noting that the international handling of nuclear weapons has completely shifted since their invention. While

7

OPINION

countries were racing to develop nuclear programs at the beginning of the Cold War, this has not only ceased to be the case but the opposite is true. Over the past half-century, the world has been gradually transitioning towards denuclearization. Starting in the late 60s, a UN-sponsored committee negotiated the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty, which opened for signature to the international community in 1968. The treaty’s objective was to prevent the spread of nuclear weapons and to further the cause of international nuclear disarmament. The terms required the nuclear-weapon states of Russia, China, the UK, the US, and France to agree on pursuing nuclear disarmament aimed at eventually dismantling their own nuclear arsenals and required every other state to agree to never acquire nuclear weapons.

While the treaty was originally ratified in 1970 with upwards of 40 signatory nations, its originally limited duration was later extended indefinitely, and today the treaty stands with 191 nations having become signatories. The Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty is far from being the only international treaty regarding nuclear weapons. Other treaties have required the US and Russia to reduce their deployed nuclear warheads significantly, dismantle over 80 percent of their nuclear stockpiles, and end the testing of nuclear weapons. In 2021, the Treaty on the Prohibition of Nuclear Weapons went into effect with 59 members, which was

the first legally-binding international agreement to completely prohibit the development and possession of nuclear weapons for all nations involved.

Inevitably, there are still scares about the possibility of nuclear war. Most recently, the discussion over nuclear war started again following the Russian government’s decision to put their nuclear forces on high alert and threaten Western nations in an attempt to dissuade further intervention in the war between Russia and Ukraine. However, experts like Matthew Bunn, an adviser to former president Bill Clinton’s Office of Science and Technology Policy, say that there is “virtually no chance” nuclear weapons will be used in the current conflict, and see the Russian government’s statement as a scare tactic to deter Western involvement rather than a genuine threat. Since the US and other NATO countries have repeatedly stated they have no plans to send troops to Ukraine, the situation almost certainly won’t come to the point where Russia even seriously considers using nuclear weapons. The general trend in the world has been and will continue to be the dismantlement of nuclear weapons. Nuclear weaponry is far from eradicated but the day when the last nuclear warhead is dismantled and atomic bombs are swept into history is approaching us.

As IHS Shifts Towards New Schedule, Students Should Shift Our Mindset

By WILL THOMAS, STEPHEN YANG, and EMERSON SCHRYVER

I

HS is currently under direction from the New York State Department of Education to increase instructional time by 17 minutes, necessitating some kind of change in the way we build our schedules. To fulfill this ordinance, the IHS administration has begun to explore a potential seven-period schedule with a universal lunch. There are a variety of misconceptions about the schedule, with many saying that it limits student opportunity and choice. Those assertions are just that—misconceptions. First, a seven-period schedule does not have only seven periods. A seven-period schedule means that one period of the eight-period day is lunch for everyone (a universal lunch).

Through simulating our current master schedule within a seven-period framework, the administration has demonstrated that this solution would have positive effects on scheduling conflicts, resolving a significant portion of the 1900 that counselors deal with every year. This works through the arrangement of Professional Learning Communities (PLCs), the teacher planning and meeting periods that currently create periods where teachers cannot teach. Aligning those during the universal lunch would actually free up more periods for teaching, ensuring that more people are able to get their choice of class. In particular, most

classes would gain new seats except for a select group of science electives, and while any losses are unfortunate, the gains outweigh them by a considerable amount. Other concerns include the removal of the potential to take eight classes, which simply isn’t the case. There is still the opportunity to take eight periods of non-lunch classes. One would simply need to take a zero-period, which highlights one of our major issues with the discussion surrounding this proposal: the lack of willingness of privileged students to sacrifice.

There are about eight IHS students this year who take nine classes who will not be able to do the same next year should the schedule change be adopted, but catering policy choices to such a small minority would be ludicrous. About 15 percent of the student body takes eight classes, which presents a greater potential issue. Those kids would need to take a zero period or drop a class in order to take the classes they want, to which there is (understandably) considerable opposition. Setting aside that many of them do currently take a zero period, and would thus essentially be maintaining their status quo, there are still kids who would have to add a zero period.

Continued on page 8

8

OPINION

As IHS Shifts Towards New Schedule, Students Should Shift Our Mindset Continued from page 7 Waking up earlier isn’t fun, but if a class means enough to them, they may have to sacrifice to take it. There are kids at IHS who currently don’t get the class they want because of our inefficient planning of PLCs, and there are kids who participate in programs that take up schedule space and don’t have room to take their preferred elective. The difference is that those kids are underprivileged and often unheard, whereas those few students who might have to get up earlier are dramatically overrepresented in student leadership bodies. What’s being missed in these discussions is the perspective of the rest of the student body, particularly those who are disadvantaged. Absent from the Student Council meeting about the schedule were questions that didn’t start with “For me…” or “My schedule…”. So far, much of the engagement on this topic has come from the group of well-off students, with remarkably few students talking about the potential for college-readiness programs like AVID (Advancement Via Individual Determination) to expand. Ithaca is a unique district for our area; we have a high number of underprivileged students and a similarly high number of very privileged students and AP/ advanced classes. The former group would benefit more from a seven-period schedule, but the latter is more vocal about district policy and trying to ensure the best education for themselves and themselves alone.

Yet another problem presents itself in lack of trust in the administration. The IHS administration has a reputation for not adequately responding to student concerns. Whether or not this reputation is deserved, this particular case is wildly different from most discussions of equity in this district. The administration is trying to do something that objectively helps students without much privilege, something that helps give them a shot at getting classes they want— classes that are taken for granted by many privileged kids, who don’t have to sacrifice time or extra effort to get into them. The current failing on inclusion of student voices comes from the student body. The Student Council was asked to discuss this schedule, to listen to concerns and seek them out from kids who wouldn’t normally be vocal about them. Yet the majority of questions were individual complaints.

Questions about one’s own schedule are not inherently invalid, but when a group of kids who dramatically overrepresent a privileged minority are focusing on that privileged minority, something in the discourse needs to change.

We wish we could say that this proposed schedule is an ironclad and perfect solution to everyone’s problems. It isn’t. It isn’t the end-all-be-all of equity at IHS; it isn’t a perfect solution to burnout and overcommitment; and it isn’t the end of not getting all of one’s preferred classes. However, it is a step forward. It’s a chance to help the kids at IHS who don’t have the same privileges that some of us do. Whatever the administration’s reputation for not taking student voices into account is, whatever the potential sacrifice of waking up earlier may entail for you or your friends, keep that in mind. Keep in mind that in order to be a better school community, somebody has to give. We would rather give a little to help out IHS as a whole. In the coming weeks and months when discussions of how to make universal lunch efficient and practical and how to potentially expand zero-period offerings (a solution that it seems many teachers are not opposed to) come, we must bear that choice in mind. It’s easy to snipe

down ideas, to nitpick and complain about potential concerns. It’s harder, but ultimately better and more satisfying, to implement ideas that improve equity in the district. A lot of work remains to be done on this project, but it’s work that we as a school and as a community need to be doing if we want to build a school where everyone gets a shot at a fulfilling high school experience.

On the International Stage, NATO Is No Hero

By FIONN KNUTSON

E

ven before the invasion of Ukraine, the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO) was a key party in the conflict between Russia and Ukraine. With the Russian invasion now ongoing, NATO has been pushed to the forefront of the news, and many people who haven’t been following international politics past the mainstream have been receiving a crash course on the 70-year-old organization and its role in the conflict from the media. The Washington Post described NATO as a political and military alliance with the most important part of it being that an “attack on one member will be viewed as an attack on all.” CNN quoted NATO’s website, describing its purpose as “[guaranteeing] the freedom and security of its members through political and military means.” NATO’s website also depicts itself as an organization that “promotes democratic values” and commits to the “peaceful resolution of disputes.”

NATO’s characterization as a peaceful defense organization that promotes democracy as well as its opposition to the undoubtedly bad Russian government has had many people conclude that NATO is unquestionably a force for good in the world. In reality, the situation is more complicated, and it’s important to question whether or not this oversimplified portrayal of NATO is accurate or not. Based on NATO’s long history and previous military operations, there’s a lot missing that paints a very different picture of the organization.

NATO was established in the early years of the Cold War, consisting of 12 member-states across Western Europe and North America. The North Atlantic Treaty was written with the fear of the Soviet Union attacking Western Europe in mind, and primarily consisted of a collective defense agreement: all NATO states would respond mutually to an attack on any one of them.

However, throughout the Cold War, NATO didn’t engage in any military operations. This began to change in the early 1990s, when NATO became involved in the Balkan Wars, beginning with the Bosnian War. With the stated aim of establishing long-

OPINION

term peace in Bosnia and Herzegovina, NATO intervened by engaging in bombing campaigns and enforcing a no-fly zone that had been ordered by the UN Security Council. A few years later, NATO intervened again in the Kosovo War. Attempting to end Yugoslavia’s persecution and ethnic cleansing of Albanians in Kosovo, NATO drafted the Rambouillet Agreement. While Yugoslavia was willing to agree to free elections, releasing political prisoners, and allowing Kosovo to establish an autonomous government, the peace agreement also called for the presence of 30,000 NATO “peacekeeping” troops in Kosovo who would have an unhindered rite of passage and full immunity to Yugoslav law, among other things. Yugoslavia refused to sign the agreement, viewing it as a threat to their sovereignty. NATO responded by launching a “humanitarian intervention” campaign in Yugoslavia without approval from the UN Security Council.

On March 23, 1999, the General Secretary of NATO, Xavier Solana, ordered the first airstrikes on Yugoslav territory, which continued for the next 78 days. NATO dropped half a million bombs on Yugoslavia, hitting government buildings, hospitals, industrial plants, power plants, residential buildings, schools, banks, and bridges, the last of which inadvertently included the bombing of a passenger train passing over a railway bridge, resulting in the death of up to 60 civilians. The assault damaged almost 200 cultural monuments, and caused widespread environmental harm. In addition, NATO deliberately bombed the Serbian TV headquarters, a civilian site responsible for the transmission of Radio Television Serbia. NATO also bombed the Chinese embassy in Yugoslavia, resulting in massive protests around the American embassies in Beijing and Hong Kong against the US and other key NATO members. While NATO claimed that the bombing was accidental and the result of an outdated map, China didn’t accept this explanation, since the target was specifically selected by the CIA outside of normal NATO targeting. Coincidentally, the Chinese government was very open about their opposition to the bombing of Yugoslavia, which they called a war of aggression against the Yugoslav people.

While the death toll of these bombings is still unknown, the Serbian government estimated that around 2,500 civilians were killed, 12,500 more were injured, and thousands more reported missing. These numbers don’t account for the long-term health effects of the use of the depleted uranium weapons used. While the Yugoslav government agreed to withdraw forces from Kosovo in June, the bombing itself did very little to stop Serbian forces from persecuting Kosovar Albanians, who escalated their attacks while it was ongoing. The bombing even killed a few hundred Kosovar Albanian refugees. At best, the attempt to pass the bombing campaign off as a “humanitarian” measure is laughable; at worst, it conceals NATO’s other motivations for involving themselves in the conflict. Following the conflict, Yugoslavia became a source of profit for European and American corporations, as the mass privatization of the country’s state-controlled infrastructure resulted in corporations purchasing or investing in Serbian industry. In addition, loans from the World Bank were an important factor in the economic reconstruction of the country—reconstruction necessary as a result of Yugoslav infrastructure being bombed to smithereens.

While NATO’s intervention in Yugoslavia was clearly an act of

9

aggression, as have been some of its other operations, the mutual defense agreement behind the alliance has also come into play.

In the weeks after the September 11, 2001 terrorist attack, the US invoked the collective defense agreement, which NATO agreed fell under the terms of the treaty. Following the attacks, the US government demanded that the Taliban government in Afghanistan extradite Osama Bin Laden, and the Taliban’s refusal resulted in the NATO-backed invasion of the country. The US and its allies quickly captured key cities and caused the Taliban and al-Qaeda to retreat to Pakistan and rural areas in Afghanistan. The UN also authorized the formation of the International Security Assistance Force (ISAF), an organization led by NATO with an initial mandate to maintain the security of the Afghan capital city and help rebuild government institutions.

After driving the Taliban out of power and causing al-Qaeda to retreat, the goals of the West shifted from counter-terrorism to nation-building, and ISAF troops remained in Afghanistan. While Taliban members reached out to negotiate with the new leader of Afghanistan, the US was adamant that the Afghan government not negotiate with them, despite evidence that the Taliban had potential to resurge. Eventually, the Taliban revolted against the ISAF-backed Afghan government, and violence massively escalated as the Taliban recaptured large parts of Afghan territory. In response, ISAF massively increased the troops stationed in Afghanistan, peaking at 140,000 in 2011. The war killed almost 200,000 people in Afghanistan, including 50,000 civilians. There, NATO and its other allies committed countless atrocities. These included the torture and killing of Afghan prisoners by US forces, the deliberate murder of Afghan civilians by US and British troops, a USAF airstrike on a Doctors Without Borders hospital, and the use of white phosphorous by Western forces, which is a banned weapon under the Convention on Certain Conventional Weapons. In addition, the US threatened judges on the International Criminal Court (ICC) with sanctions if they charged US soldiers in Afghanistan with war crimes, and stated that they wouldn’t cooperate with an investigation into their actions. ICC judges initially decided not to open an investigation on war crimes in Afghanistan, and when they later decided to go through with one, the court deprioritized conduct by the US and its allies, focusing almost exclusively on crimes committed by the Taliban and their allies. When the US’s 20-year invasion of Afghanistan eventually ended and US troops withdrew, the Taliban almost instantly recaptured Afghanistan and returned to power, proving the two decades of Western intervention had been futile.

At present, NATO stands at 30 member-states, with several more countries in Eastern Europe striving to join the alliance.

While NATO isn’t currently engaged in any military operation, it still plays a role in some ongoing international conflicts. One of these is the Saudi Arabian-led genocide in Yemen, which the UN described as the “worst humanitarian crisis in the world.”

Although NATO itself hasn’t backed Saudi Arabia, some of the most important NATO powers—the US, UK, and France—support the genocide through arms sales and technical assistance to Saudi Arabia. A 2019 UN report on Yemen condemned the three countries as being responsible for human rights violations and war Continued on page 10

10

OPINION

On the International Stage, NATO Is No Hero Continued from page 9 crimes by enabling Saudi Arabia’s intervention. As mentioned at the beginning, NATO also plays an important role in the conflict between Russia and Ukraine. Ever since the Cold War ended, NATO has been expanding its membership into Eastern Europe, and multiple border states to Russia, including Ukraine, are recognized as aspiring NATO members. This is much to the dismay of the Russian government, who have voiced security concerns over NATO’s potential expansion up to their border and the placement of NATO weapons systems in close proximity to Russian territory. While Russia’s claims that NATO’s expansion into Ukraine would provide an imminent threat aren’t accurate whatsoever—and don’t justify their invasion nor their bombing of Ukrainian civilian sites—it’s true that Ukraine had the potential to become a NATO member sometime in the near future and was working to become one, despite not currently meeting various membership criteria. In the present invasion, NATO hasn’t directly sent military aid to Ukraine, and has only made statements condemning Russia’s action and organized requests for non-lethal assistance to Ukraine. However, the majority of NATO members have individually sent lethal military equipment to Ukraine.

NATO’s history makes its stated humanitarian aims and status as a “defensive” alliance highly dubious. This begs the question: what other motivations might NATO and its member-countries have for their limited intervention in Ukraine? From the start of NATO’s history, there has been tension standing between its interests and Russia’s, which has persisted even past the Cold War. For example, in the aforementioned Kosovo War, Russia was an ally of Yugoslavia, who supported their decision to not sign NATO’s peace agreement, but only sent a very limited number of troops on their side and attempted to persuade the Yugoslav leader to back down regardless. In the ongoing Syrian

Civil War, the US, UK, and France all back the interim state, while Russia backs the Syrian government. While humanitarian concerns for Ukraine may be part of NATO’s motivation, its continued expansion into Eastern Europe and relationship with Russia suggest that it’s also driven by the hostility between it and Russia and their opposing international interests. While this tension doesn’t legitimize the Russian invasion of Ukraine, Russia’s perspective that NATO expanding up to the Russian border and placing weapons systems in border states poses a security threat isn’t unreasonable. Despite this, Putin’s demands for legal guarantees that NATO won’t expand further east or place weapons systems in the vicinity of Russian territory have been challenged

by NATO, with the Secretary General claiming that Russia has no say in matters that are up to Ukraine and NATO. The Russian invasion of Ukraine is obviously harmful, but NATO’s aims of expanding up to the Russian border aren’t innocuous either. Now, the conflict in Ukraine resembles a proxy conflict between the opposing interests of Russia and the West, with the Ukrainian population suffering as a result. Whether or not NATO’s actions have a positive impact in this circumstance, it’s still worth considering what its motivations are, rather than just describing them as universally positive. Instead of becoming a battleground for proxy conflict, Eastern Europe would be better off if both Russia and NATO agreed to stay out of it. Even if NATO making guarantees to the Russian government wouldn’t have prevented their invasion of Ukraine, it was still a course of action that could have been implemented and wasn’t, for better or worse. In general, while it’s easy to simplify international politics down to a good side and a bad one, it’s worth questioning and remaining critical of whatever side you support, and in the specific case of NATO, the organization’s history and role in the world today aren’t all that positive.

Bring Back IHS Journalism Classes—And Expand Them

By FRANCES KLEMM

T

here are currently no running journalism courses at IHS, and there won’t be next year either. One such course was formerly offered as a senior year single-semester English elective but was canceled due to a lack of student interest. This comes in direct contrast to the fact that Ithaca High School has its own high quality print magazine (you may know it). The Tattler has won countless awards, most recently the top award for a student paper from the American Scholastic Press Association, one of the highest honors for a high school publication. Despite having a huge budget for our school newspaper with writers from every grade welcome to submit any of their writing, we lack a real education in proper journalism, news structure, and interviewing.

The school clearly prioritizes The Tattler, sponsoring our glossy, 40-plus-page magazines every month, but offers no

journalism course to establish a basic foundation for journalistic writing, a step which would improve our paper even further.

Giving students this platform to write and showcase their work is incredible, but the school falls short by not providing a proper education in a field that must follow many rules to be viable.

Journalism is the fourth pillar of democracy and rightfully; it’s vital to holding those in power accountable and amplifying the community around us.

When we run a paper without any guidance about the ethics and rules of journalism, we’re losing out. There are so many students who are committed to and love this paper—it’s the perfect opportunity to teach about a vital topic that’s so important to the world around us. Not only would this be an opportunity for current writers, but students who are unsure or don’t know much about joining The Tattler would have access to the course,

11

OPINION

growing and diversifying our writing staff.

I don’t think that Journalism should return as another senior-exclusive course. It should be an elective available to all IHS students, so that the moment a student is allowed to write for The Tattler, they also have access to the necessary information to write informed articles. The journalism class was canceled due to lack of student interest back in 2015, seven years ago. Since then, The Tattler has greatly expanded its issue size, writer pool, and distribution. We need the class back.

The Tattler is almost 100 percent student-built and operated

from editing to layout to distribution. 18 full-time students devote their time to forming our paper along with a talented team of writers. There isn’t time to stop and give classes on journalism or how to write an article. Editors devote a lot of their time to giving advice and coming up with writing ideas, but The Tattler itself is simply a dozen-plus high school students who are unable to provide a real educational experience for those who need and want it. IHS has a real opportunity to teach meaningful lessons while engaging students in real-life journalism and publishing opportunities. The sooner they take it, the better.

What Makes Our Heroes Great?

By CAEDMON SETHUPATHY

P

eople look for heroes all the time. It’s natural. We want someone who we can look up to, emulate, and truly admire. Unfortunately, these people are few and far between.

The most common heroes are famous athletes, actors, or influencers. But the heroism that these idols display can be suspect.

Last month my history teacher gave us a list of qualities such as diligence and courage and told us to list the three most important traits needed for a person to be called “great.” The student answers were generally quite similar, and most chose character traits like courage, intelligence, and integrity, the most common answer being integrity. In fact, only one or two kids in the class did not have this quality on their list.

Therefore, it’s clear that we often define a “great” person as one who embodies traits such as honesty and kindness. From this understanding, the logical assumption is that our heroes would exemplify these pinnacles of goodness, thus becoming “great.” Interestingly though, our pop culture idols often show a severe lack of selfless principles and engage in either unsavory or downright egregious activities. Many are promiscuous, arrogant, or image-conscious, which does not fit the bill of a “great” person, especially by our own standards. Naturally, this begs the question of why we choose such morally stunted people as our heroes and idols. This is not to say that all famous icons are like this; there are always going to be examples of those who uphold virtue, no matter what class of people. However, by and large the influencer community appears to be upholding questionable ethics which many of us would scorn were it our neighbors and not Michael Jordan.

It seems as though we differentiate our heroes from those we think are “great,” which says a lot about us: that the people we wish to emulate are chosen on the criteria of fame and wealth rather than goodness. We understand “greatness” in the abstract—as a lofty idea—but when it comes time to choose our idols, we select those with glory and power instead. This proves that our perception of “greatness” is not based on morals, but based on selfishness and lust for power. For that reason, I suggest that the criterion for being a hero is not that one must be “great” but that they must have fame. Perception of heroes is based on worldly glory, something that we humans run after with a frightening ferocity. Thus, I think it would be beneficial

for us to stop regarding celebrities as heroes. Instead, we should idolize the teacher who works night and day for her students; the parent who takes their kid to school every day unfailingly; and the friend who is patient, honest, and kind. After all, the world already has plenty of power-hungry individuals, but we could do with a few more “great” ones.

If you think your premiums are low... it’s probably

INSURANCE

Specializing in Auto & Home Insurance

12

OPINION

Physical Education Should Not be Required For All Four Years of High School

By MARLEY THOMSON

I

n New York State, Physical Education, or gym class, is required for all semesters of high school. The only exceptions are if someone takes more than eight semesters to graduate high school or is graduating high school early. In order to earn a New York State High School Diploma, you must have two credits of Physical Education, gaining a quarter credit each semester.

Math and science are not required for all four years of high school, so why should gym be? Students at many schools including IHS have gym every other day, which forces students to have an entire period in their schedule set aside for gym. Not requiring gym for all four years will let students take other classes they might enjoy more and allow more schedule flexibility.

Allowing students to have flexibility in their schedules improves their mental well-being. Especially with the pandemic going on, many students are struggling to stay on track with high school credits in order to graduate. When a student is failing math, the last thing they need is to worry about making gym fit in their schedule. In addition, allowing student-athletes to receive P.E. credit for the sport that they spend hours every day practicing will help them avoid burnout. There is no point in being required to take a gym class when you spend hours being physically active. Not being required to take a gym class every semester benefits every high school student.

In many school districts across the United States, Driver’s Education counts as a Physical Education credit, as it should everywhere. Most of New York State, besides New York City and other select areas, lacks reliable public transportation, thus making

its residents car-dependent. According to the New York Times, vehicle fatalities have been on the rise since the start of the Covid-19 pandemic, with low-income Black and Native American communities being affected the most. Reasons behind this include the fact that pedestrians are disproportionately Black, and schools with a majority Black or Native American population tend to have less funding, which means they often can’t afford a Driver’s Education program. Such programs have been proven to lower vehicle accidents and fatalities. Driver’s Education programs can also save students money on car insurance, something that is very expensive for teenagers. Ultimately, learning how to drive is a skill that high school students will continue to use in their adult lives, much more practical than anything learned in a standard gym class.

While being physically active is very important, a high school gym class is not the only way to stay in shape. Many students go to the gym multiple times a week and work out for hours at a time. Being able to make your own workout helps students achieve their specific physical goals and needs. Some students may want to do more cardio so they can run faster while others may want to lift weights to develop more muscle mass. Eliminating the requirement to take a gym class every semester benefits every high school student in countless ways, from having the ability to tailor their workouts to having more room in their schedule for subjects that will be truly useful to them in their adult life.

13

FEATURES

From the Archives: Excerpts from the Tattler Issues of Yesteryear

By ALICE BURKE

D

eep within the halls of IHS, at the end of the E-wing, one can find a very small, very pink room. This room is hidden to most—the number of students who have stepped foot in the room can be counted on a single hand. Although small and overlooked, this room holds some of the most enticing and unknown secrets of our school. For within these walls lie four average-looking filing cabinets that contain the annals of Tattler history, dating all the way back to 1892. Here follows a small selection of April Fools from yesteryear.

Read more online at https://tattlerarchive.wordpress.com/ Note: The current Tattler does not necessarily endorse the opinions published in historical Tattlers.

April 2017 “Recorded Conversation Between Luvelle Brown and Jason Trumble” Footsteps as Dr. Luvelle Brown walks down an IHS hallway, lost in thought as he flips through a folder. He is so engrossed that he doesn’t see Mr. Trumble, and the two bump into each other.

Mr. Trumble: Oh, I’m sorry.

Dr. Brown: (jokingly) You mean I’m sorry, sir.

Mr. Trumble: …no.

Dr. Brown: Excuse me?

Mr. Trumble: You heard me. (deep breath) I’m tired of being second best around here. Why don’t we settle this once and for all?

Dr. Brown: I see. (short chuckle) Well, well, Jason, you’ve finally got the courage to stand up to me. I respect that. (cracking knuckles) But I won’t hold back.

Mr. Trumble: All right, how about we get this started? (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_Qq1VB6H3g Start at 0:37) Mr. Trumble: I’ll make the ground rumble So hard that you’ll stumble Down to the floor, better get up from your tumbles (start at 0:37 for background music)

Mr. Trumble: I’ll make the ground rumble So hard that you’ll stumble Down to the floor, better get up from your tumble Man, I been here twenty years Known Little Red longer than than your whole career Every single student that passes me by Knows the sick beats that I’ll let fly If you mess with me, better get a front seat To the beginning of Big Luve’s big defeat Dr. Brown: I come from VA, where I learned to be a man Saw my chance, so I rose and took a stand Got the whole school district in the palm of my hand I’m a god, and you think you can withstand?

My dreams are grand, exquisite, bold A culture of love to all enrolled Your own game’s weak and your rhyme’s a little sour: Ya forgot to Engage, Educate, and Empower.

Mr. Trumble: I was a teacher, son, so get back to class Take a seat so I can teach you ‘bout my past Here’s a history lesson, Chapter 2 Part 1 The day JT went for this home run I’m not even winded, better pick up the pace My coach sense is telling me you’ll lose this race I’ll build IHS to the highest prestige Turn the heat right up six thousand plus degrees!

Dr. Brown: Alright, looks like joke time’s over Prepare yourself for my second flyover The Board of Education has all agreed That I spit these bars with no mercy I’m the Superintendent, I’m super intended To rise to the top, and now I’ve transcended Call me supernatural, I won’t get offended Made a legacy that’ll be forever commended.

Mr. Trumble: Sorry Doc, while I go and yawn Think you might as well call this battle foregone Just got a call from your friend Ainslie Continued on page 14

14

FEATURES

From The Archives: Excerpts from the Tattler Issues of Yesteryear Continued from page 13 Said he’d much rather drop a beat for me Why don’t I spell it out, so you can see Why I’m called T-R-M-B-L-E Oh, you think I misspelled it? That ain’t true It’s only six letters long cause I don’t need U. (Nearby fire alarms go off. Recording ends.)

April 3, 2000 “Latvia Missing” On March 24th, 2000, three American tourists set off for Latvia. Upon their arrival, their befuddlement at a native’s comment, “Ach, Latvia ist jetzt nicht da! Wir sind froh!” continued even after one of them dug out her dictionary and translated this to mean, “Oh, Latvia isn’t there! We’re happy!” When they tried to travel into Latvia and realized that the country was indeed missing, they notified the American Embassy, which proposed the following theories on Latvia’s disappearance: 1) alien influence (see Mr. Flaccus—ed.); 2) Russian scientists; 3) plate tectonics; 4) magnetics; 5) Elvis; 6) a really big meteorite.

The most probable of these theories, says NASA Chief Janitor Jonathan Mitchells, is the Russian scientists. Mitchells proposes that Russian scientists have created a sort of mini-black-hole which has accidentally sucked away part of Siberia, this being the reason no one ever goes there. “They’re trying to take over the world,” he added. Jeffrey Douglas, another NASA employee, supported Mitchells. “I bet they’re going to take that blackhole and suck out New York City, like a big vacuum cleaner. Like in Spaceballs. That was so funny!”

Further proof of the Russians’ involvement is the recent political crisis in that area. In the midst of the turmoil, it would be easy for Russian scientists to further their work on the nefarious device while avoiding our security. However, says military advisor Jamie Nerrell, “They must have been working on it for a long time. Our own work on a parallel project—” this time Nerrell was attacked by two men dressed in black, gagged, and removed from the conference.

George W. Bush, Republican nominee for president, declared yesterday that the mysterious disappearance is “a threat to all free countries everywhere. The United States must protect the weaker nations from the influence of Communism.” He added that he advocates a declaration of war if Russia doesn’t “confess to the insidious crime.”

While the true cause of Latvia’s loss remains unclear, the government is trying to keep the issue as quiet as possible. “If the American public becomes informed about this,” explained Alexandra Eckral, Economics major, “they will donate large sums of money to obscure charities. This could drain our economy and leave us open to attack by any countries which are allied with Russia and have the technology which destroyed Latvia.”

April 1, 2011 “Literary Linguist: Eco-Oriented Words to Know”

Congreenient: The practice of recycling, or being green, only when convenient. A person who only recycles when it is convenient to do so.

Ecoblocker: A person who gets to drive in the carpool lane because they have a hybrid vehicle, yet insists on driving slower than everyone else. This is especially maddening for motorcyclists.

Envirolicious: Organically grown and tasty!

Environmental-Indie-Hipster: The perfect balance of everything a college student should encompass. An environmental indie hipster recycles, doesn’t eat meat, dances wildly to non-mainstream bands, hangs out in coffee shops while refusing to drink anything but fair-trade or rainforest-certified coffee, eats local/organic food, buys all their clothes from thrift stores, and at night tends to dance to funky music while by day takes university classes on how to save the world.

Greengasm: The warm and fuzzy feeling one gets after becoming ecologically enlightened; usually induced by listening to a ruddy south-westerner talk about off-the-grid construction, or watching a Discovery Channel film about nature.

Recycledelic: Adjective used to describe something old repurposed into something awesome, amazing and wicked-smart new.

Description for when one finds a cool new use for things that would normally end up in a landfill. Particularly useful when discussing thrift store fashion.

Recyclopath: A person who militantly engages in recycling and is so hostile to simply throwing away garbage, it borders on mental illness. Pejorative for an extreme environmentalist.

Vegangelical: A fundamentalist vegan who goes around proselytizing vegetarians and omnivores. A vegan intolerant of any other diet, or anyone who adheres to a diet other than a vegan diet.

Vegeprefarian: Someone who is for the most part a vegetarian, but won’t refuse a bit of meat now and then. They might also opt for certain meals without meat.

Vegesexual: Preferring partners with vegetarian or vegan lifestyles.

April 1979 “Book Review: The Bible” The Bible is a rather longish work of semi-historical fiction.

Its previously unpublished, anonymous author shows a lot of potential, but that potential is time and again unrealized, and the novel earned its two and a half stars more for what it might have

FEATURES

done than for what it actually does. In a word, it disappoints.

The book begins rather weakly and rather predictably, I thought, with the line, “In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.” First of all, the tone that is established is far too pompous for a young writer with a minimum of experience.

Second of all, with The Silmarillion already in its fourth printing, the last thing America needs is another creation myth.

The novel deals with the early history of a group of a tribe known as the Highbrews―possibly the most helpless bunch of schlimazels to hit the literary scene in a decade. Their frequent head-on collisions with war and strife lead one to think that someone up there is not on their side. Unfortunately, the author chose to avoid the situation’s comic possibilities, playing the unending series of catastrophes in a heavy, serious tone. Instead of entertaining, the plot merely depresses.

At the most inappropriate moments, the author brings in a ridiculous set of sci-fi-style gimmicks. There is, for instance, this “pillar of cloud’’ that keeps appearing whenever the Highbrews get into trouble. Now, in all fairness, who in his right mind (Note from the editors: here the review ends, its edges mysteriously burned as if from a fire.)

The idea of using such a violent pastime to raise money for children’s education is controversial, and has raised many concerns.

“It’s just not right,” said BoE President Rob Ainslie, who assured us that he was definitely not just afraid to take on the unstoppable force known as the Browninator. “Think of the children!”

To address these concerns, the BoE has assured district members that the match will be held in the safest conditions humanly possible. All participants will have three individual bubbles, hand-cut from the finest bubble wrap, for self-defense, and all participants will wear cotton candy boxing gloves. There will be five pool noodles left outside the cage, completely inaccessible to the combatants. Finally, if Brown takes an early lead, the BoE members will be encouraged to achieve their full potential by an engaging, stimulating, 21st-century remedial cage match course.

“I understand that this is a nonstandard move,” said Brown at the March 25 meeting, when the plans were announced. “But you have to understand that we’re a nonstandard district. The future of innovative-education lies here, and we’re going to have to make some bold moves and stick our necks out a little. Also, Rob Ainslie forgot to compliment my suit at the last meeting.”

April 2014 “Brown v. Board of Education: Strapped for Cash, District Turns to Cage Matches to Raise Funds” April is the cruelest month, and also the month of the ICSD budget. At the March 11 Board of Education (BoE) meeting, the BoE unveiled that, next year, the budget is shrinking by a dramatic $4 million. To make up that substantial difference, ICSD is turning to an out-of-the-box and innovative way to fundraise that doesn’t involve ridiculously high property taxes: cage matches.

The cage match is one of the oldest forms of art, and it has a rich history. Getting off to an auspicious start on June 25, 1937, the modern cage match uses chain-link fences, much like those found on the playgrounds of today’s youth. The first of many BoE matches will be fought in an open-topped, 10-foot tall cage in upstairs K-Building, and see Mr. Superintendent Sir Dr. Professor Luvelle T. Brown take on the entire ICSD BoE. A team wins by increasing diversity, decreasing adversity, establishing conversity, going to university, having all its members escape over the top of the cage, or performing a triple-smack jelly sandwich lockdown.

“I’m going to knock these suckers out of the cage,” Brown said before cracking his knuckles menacingly.

Brown is the favorite going into the match, as he is the only person who works in the BoE building who has been spotted in IHS’s Strength and Conditioning Room, which is in its second year of use. His workouts are rumored to be the only time―including while he’s in the shower or in bed―that he takes off his suit. His massive guns have been clocked in at 70 pounds each, and are thought to have caused Governor Andrew Cuomo to push gun control legislation recently.

15

Winter Formal: 3/5/22 by Marley Thomson (1 and 2)

16

Hall Monitor

FEATURES

By YASMEEN ALASS

If there were a zombie apocalypse, which three people would you pick to be on your team?

Andrew Putnam ’24: “Brad Pitt, Tom Holland, and Christian Bale.”

Izzy Githler ’23: “Ms. Marolia, Gabriela Rose, Caleb Robinson.”

Sahana Bhaskaran ’24: “I only need one person—Mimi Chen.”

John Clarke Jr. ’24: “Shaq O’Neal, Rambo, and King Kong.”

17

FEATURES

Juju Crane ’24: “Zendaya, Luffy, and Zoro.”

Elijah Young ’24: “Ben Czwerinski, Matt Ostrom, and Destiny VanDemark.”

Lorelli Cervantes ’23: “Godzilla, the Hulk, and Colossus.”

Untitled by Ruby Zawel

18

CENTERSPREAD

Suns Out, Books Out Curated by FRANCES KLEMM

The weather is opening up and your mind should be doing the same thing. These are six books that I just read and am obsessed with.

My Body by Emily Ratajkowski (2021) Content warning: sexual assault.

Supermodel Emily Ratjkowski reflects on her career, regaining her voice, capitalism, consumerism and what it means to have control over her own body in a series of essays. I could not stop turning the pages of this book—I just wanted to absorb every word that she was writing. Her commentary on the commodification of womens’ bodies from such a heightened perspective is deeply moving. As someone whose career is based almost entirely on her looks and the male gaze, she questions how it would even be possible to have full autonomy of her body. She explores whether she’s serving herself as she builds her career or if she is still under the firm grip of the patriarchy no matter how much she tries to control her own image and build her own wealth. This is a crucial feminist text and I loved every second of it.

She Said by Jodi Kantor and Megan Twoey (2019) A nonfiction account of how two reporters broke the Harvey Weinstein case that ignited the #MeToo movement across the globe. The story follows the journalist as they hunt down sources and slowly piece the infamous story together. The two women give an analysis of the impact of the story and how it feels to be part of a movement this profound.

Minor Feelings by Cathy Park Hong (2020) Park Hong’s memoir is a reflection of a number of time periods in her life centering around her identity as an Asian American. She recounts her college friendships, comments on the LA riots of the 1990s and how they impacted Korean and Hispanic communities, her journey with therapy, and her relationship to English as an Asian American writer. The memoir is incredibly perceptive and Hong’s writing is vulnerable, informative and relatable in a way that makes you feel like you’re sitting down with her face to face.

CENTERSPREAD

Giovanni’s Room by James Baldwin (1956) Well, this is my favorite book; I decided on it immediately after finishing the last page. When I started it I thought it was really good, but the further I got into the novel the more the raw emotion (that Baldwin is just SO good at writing) builds up, and by the time I finished it, I was just so overwhelmed with every single character’s emotions and stake in the plot. The story centers around an American man living in Paris who, though engaged (partly?) to a woman currently living in Spain, begins a relationship with an Italian bartender, Giovanni, that’s destined to end poorly as they develop a love stricken but doomed relationship. From the very first page the ending is clear, but the story is so touching and painful that I couldn’t stop reading. I also couldn’t stop reading James Baldwin after this. I’m four books into his catalog and it’s only been a month.

Memorial by Bryan Washington (2020) This is a story about two men who’ve been dating for four years when one, Mike, goes to tend to his dying father in Japan just as his mother arrives to visit him, and Ben, a daycare worker who’s stuck living with his boyfriend’s mother without his boyfriend. Both men are struggling with what they mean to each other, and struggling with new relationships, family and making sense of childhood trauma. I’m recommending it because it made me both cry really hard and laugh really hard, and if a book makes me do both I need to tell everyone about it.

Recitatif by Toni Morrison (1983) Recitatif is a short story of a woman telling the story of her relationship with her childhood friend whom she knew from bunking together in an orphanage, as they grow up and run into each other at different stages of their adulthood.

The two women clearly come from different classes but neither of their races is stated explicitly. Yet, the novel plays closely with racial identity in a fascinating way. This is definitely one that you can read a multitude of times in order to grasp new meanings from it.

19

20

FEATURES

Serendipity Boutique: An Unexpected Gem

By FRANCES KLEMM

S

quished between Ooy’s Deli and Cayuga Smokeshop & Plus on North Aurora Street is a hidden gem of Ithaca’s clothing shops: Serendipity Clothing. The small vintage thrift store, which opened in October of 2021, features a curated display of coats, blazers, and sweaters from a variety of time periods at low prices. After finding it and immediately buying my new favorite leather jacket, I felt upset that I’d never noticed the shop in its five months of business—considering just how much I love clothes. As I know many distressed Ithacans who love clothes as much as I do, I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t share the news of this fantastic new store.

Frances Klemm ’23: What’s your name and relationship to the store?

Elizabeth Holloway: Elizabeth Holloway, I’m the creator and owner.

FK: How did the store originally take shape?

EH: I actually had a clothing store when I was 20, in college.

I didn’t sell these types of clothes, though—I sold the Danskin line before they went out of fashion (it was just dance clothes).

Things like Indian imports, cottons and gauzes, that sort of thing. Then I worked in public service for 30 years and decided, well, if I’m going to do something I’m going to come back to clothing again. I made my clothes when I was young, so I know all about fabric and design, texture and value and construction and so forth. I decided that I was going to look between either Corning and Ithaca and I started looking for rental spaces about three years ago and I didn’t find anything that was really suitable until Covid came. So in some respects I was glad that I hadn’t found something where I was paying rent without [the store] being in the open. I came back up to Ithaca and ended up finding two places that were more reasonable. And then I saw [the current location]. I had always wanted to be sure that there was not only parking but a good location and a store window that was already built. I did have to do a lot of renovations here, which took me about six months. And then I opened in October.

Korea, and Japan occasionally). It’s really interesting when you begin to look at the labels, and it’s something you know that we all should do just so that we get an idea about where things are sourced from.

FK: How would you describe your store to new customers?

EH: When folks first come in I say it’s “Plato’s Closet prices, Lord & Taylor quality” and if they know either or both of those they immediately grasp the concept.

FK: How often do you get new clothes in?

EH: Well, I’ve been accumulating [clothes] for the last three years so I have four times the inventory that’s in the shop right now. I don’t really need to look for anything but I’ll still take a little look if there’s a sale coming up, see if there’s anything that’s really prime merchandise.

FK: How do you find your clothes? How do you decide what goes into the store?

EH: To conserve and to find I know what to look for. In some cases it’s brands. Y’know I know that a Talbots [piece] has always been made out of the best fabric and it continues to be made out of the best fabric, so it’s a brand that I’ll choose if I see it.

I source from estates and groups of franchise retailers. In one case, they’ve been owned by the family and then the other case the franchises buy from the public, but they’re also very selective.

And then I’m more selective after that.

FK: How would you describe your own style?

FK: How did you originally get into fashion and clothes?

EH: I would probably say ‘eclectic.’ I’m an international folk dancer and so I’ve always been interested in a lot of international folk costumes. That sort of plays in when you see what designers have borrowed from around the world in terms of design, whether it’s Chico—they’ve borrowed patterns from things that have already existed in other countries and so I’m not really “matchymatchy” as they say, I’m not going to have the “purse and the shoes” or whatever; it’s going to be a little more esoteric.

EH: Probably from making my own clothes when I was young.

FK: Are you from Ithaca?

FK: Do you still make your own clothes?

EH: I lived in Ithaca quite a long time ago. I lived and worked in Ithaca in the ‘80s and then I was off with the human service career and retired and decided that this was the place to come back to. And it’s actually kind of exciting because folks I have not seen since I left Ithaca have seen the article that was in another publication and they’ve come in to say ‘Hello.’

EH: Not anymore. We have such availability now, which is evidenced by the merchandise here; we have great quality and yet great prices which has not always been the case; we’ve outsourced a lot of the manufacturing. So even though it might be Ralph Lauren, it’s not made in the USA. There are very few things that are made in the USA now (they might be made in Lithuania, they might be from China; there’s a lot from China,

FK: Anything else to add?

21

FEATURES EH: I would say that there’s something here for everyone. Everyone can come in and find something affordable for them that still meets whatever their fashion or style is. And so they should! The hours are Tuesday through Saturday, 11 a.m to 6 p.m.

Thoughts on the College Crisis Conundrum

By KATIE LIN and ELLA KEEN ALLEE

A

burnt-out student lies in bed at night, the dull light from their phone hypnotically mesmerizing them before sleep.

They scroll through their 200-something Instagram followers, obsessively checking each and every bio, seeing which of their peers has added “___ ‘26” and who hasn’t. They wake up groggy the next morning, dragging their feet through every class, only to be jolted awake by the sound of their teacher asking where they applied, and bombarded by the jarring chorus of student after student discussing their post-graduation plans. The next minute, someone else walks in the room, donning a sweater bearing their new school’s colors. Feeling suffocated, the student excuses themself to go to the bathroom.

Students at IHS have become far too accustomed to these experiences. It’s undeniable that the college application process has become insufferable, especially in a town like Ithaca—flanked

by Cornell University on one side and Ithaca College on the other, students are trapped inside an inescapable “stress sandwich.” College selectivity has become amplified by the pandemic.

Colleges dealing with record number applications have started putting out the message that students need to “do more” to get accepted. The rat race begins in junior year: the endless questions about the SAT, extracurriculars, courseload, and whatever else you absolutely have to take care of during your “big year.” As a result, students become bound to a deadly cycle of crises and self-doubt.

Many students also struggle with the idea of college prestige.

They think that lower acceptance rates and higher rankings on US News Best Colleges list directly correspond to higher selfworth. Students spend countless late nights on homework, join clubs simply to add more extracurriculars, and juggle too many rigorous courses, often jeopardizing their mental and physical health just to get into one of these top-tier schools. If they get rejected, they may experience despair and feel like all their sacrifices weren’t worth it. Overcommitted students may think that no matter what they do isn’t it enough and become overwhelmed with guilt for not doing everything and anything. Clearly, the issue is society associating the individual worth of students with prestige. The college conversation starts in middle school for some, and students on an advanced track may be made to feel that college is their biggest (and only) goal, and that they must devote themselves entirely to the achievement of this goal. In the process, students become utterly exhausted.

One of the most plaguing and damaging aspects of applying to schools is the inevitable, constant comparison with others.

Students weigh their achievements, GPA, extracurriculars, and more against each other, so peers become fierce competitors. In the end, this practice is unproductive and nonsensical because every person’s application is unique. No essay is completely the same, and everyone’s background is different. Endlessly pondering what other people are doing only results in low self-confidence, and therefore, students should throw out the comparative lens through which they see the world. Instead, they need to focus on themselves—support and challenge their peers, yes, but without losing themselves in the process.

To the student who feels like they’re going to explode, to the student who can’t stop thinking it won’t work out or they’re not doing enough, and to the student who feels like their world is falling apart: remember to give yourself a break. You’ve made it this far, in a high-stress environment and town, and through a pandemic that completely shook the foundation of schools and the application process. Do the best you can, but don’t be afraid to take a step back when the ground is crumbling beneath you.

These ideas are seemingly impossible to digest, but accepting and acknowledging them as well as understanding the harms associated with the college application process is a good first step.

Restaurant Review: Tai Chi Tea

By TANIA HAO

T

he restaurant space next to Chipotle on South Meadow Street has experienced several change-overs in the past few years—longtime Ithaca residents may remember it as Yogurtland or Core Life Eatery. Now, the space is inhabited by Tai Chi Bubble Tea. Tai Chi Tea specializes in what they call “healthy-fresh fusion,” or more specifically, various types of sushi, ramen, and bubble tea. It is probably best classified as fast-casual dining, or as an elevated fast food experience.

Although the restaurant’s Ithaca location opened fairly recently, Tai Chi Tea has twelve other locations across the United States, according to its website. Not familiar with sushi but eager to try Tai Chi Tea’s offerings, I enlisted my friend Alicia—a sushi connoisseur—to serve as my sushi consultant. We went on a rainy Monday evening and ate inside the restaurant, where there were very few diners given the circumstances.

The first thing I noticed as I sat down was Tai Chi Tea’s modern interior and its calm, casual atmosphere. The dining area offered several different seating options, including round tables, couches, and high wooden stools. LED lights, scattered plants, and various wooden fixtures all created a modern, relaxed environment in which to enjoy a meal. We chose a booth by the window so we could look outside while we ate. The sound of the rain hitting the window panes, the aesthetically-pleasing restaurant interior, and the faint sound of upbeat pop music made the entire experience very enjoyable.

Continued on page 22

22

FEATURES / ARTS

Restaurant Review: Tai Chi Tea Continued from page 21 After we settled in, we spent several minutes poring over Tai Chi Tea’s extensive menu. In addition to a large menu on the wall, the restaurant also offered paper menus and paperwork-like forms with which you can build a custom sushi order.

The sushi forms did not specify whether or not they included the specialty rice bowls and the formatting was slightly confusing, so we had to take some time to figure out what each paper was actually for. We decided to order one dish from each of Tai Chi Tea’s main food groups: sushi, ramen, and rice boxes (hot dishes that are not made with ingredients from the sushi bar), and split each one so we could adequately review the restaurant’s many offerings. However, we ended up ordering two sushi dishes and no specialty rice box because we didn’t realize that the forms were only for sushi until after we had placed our order.

Tai Chi Tea offers three sushi options: burritos (a giant sushi roll that is eaten like a burrito), rice bowls (your choice of sushi fillings and toppings mixed with rice), and salad bowls (a rice bowl without the rice). Apprehensive about our ability to create a custom sushi order that would taste good, we opted for some of Tai Chi Tea’s pre-made combinations: we chose the ‘Salmonopoly’ (spicy and regular salmon with spicy mayo and assorted vegetables, including cucumber, avocado, and edamame) for our burrito and the ‘Pokemazing’ (salmon and spicy tuna with Thai Sweet Chili, eel sauce, cream cheese, and spicy mayo, along with vegetables such as lettuce, carrot, and cherry tomato) for the rice bowl. For our ramen, we chose a combination of miso broth and pork. And for drinks, I chose a Tai Chi Green milk tea and Alicia chose a peach green tea, both with boba pearls.

We placed our order and picked it up after about ten minutes, which was quite fast considering the amount of food we had ordered. After securing some extra bowls so we could split each dish, we made our way back to the table. The Salmonopoly burrito and the Pokemazing rice bowl came in food truck-style cardboard boxes and the plating was very appealing—especially

the rice bowl, which had a perfectly round scoop of rice nestled in a colorful blanket of fish, vegetables, and sauce.

The Pokemazing rice bowl was definitely our favorite of the three—the fresh vegetables, sweet and spicy sauce mixture, and creamy salmon and tuna created a refreshing combination. The texture was also very satisfying; the crisp lettuce and crunchy carrots provided a contrast to the soft rice and fish. Even as an amateur sushi eater, I could appreciate just how delicious this dish was without much prior experience, which speaks to its quality. We agreed that the Pokemazing would be perfect for a hot summer day.

The Salmonopoly burrito came in at a close second to the rice bowl. The avocado was a pleasing addition and evened out the entire dish. Eating it was an adventure in itself as we diligently tried to make a perfect bite that would include all of the fillings.

However, the burrito did not have as much flavor or variety as the rice bowl.

The ramen was enjoyable, especially the springy noodles and tender pork, but it just couldn’t compare to the rice bowl or the burrito. The plating was not as visually pleasing as the two sushi dishes. The miso broth was extremely salty and its sheer quantity was slightly daunting to drink.

Our entire meal (including drinks) amounted to just over $50.

Considering that most of our order contained sushi-grade fish, this price was beyond reasonable. The two drinks, which cost five dollars each, were especially cheap compared to other bubble tea options in Ithaca but were just as tasty.

On the whole, my dining experience at Tai Chi Tea was very satisfying. The restaurant’s pretty interior, the outrageously delicious Pokemazing rice bowl, and the company of a good friend contributed to a most enjoyable outing. I enjoyed every second I spent inside the restaurant and I recommend it to anyone who wants a casual meal that is flavorful for both your mouth and eyes.

An Interview with DJ Splice

By KATIE LIN

M

y father goes by many names. He’s known as Dr. Lin at his Cornell laboratory, Dave to my mother, and Baba to me. However, he also goes by another name, one not as well-known: DJ Splice. Splicing music and records together as delicately and passionately as he splices genes, my dad started DJing in college and graduate school. After his mother strongly rejected his idea to become a bartender, my dad found himself in a group called the “Phunky Buddhas”: a DJ group made up of himself and his close friends Jeff (whom he now calls “Uncle Jeff,” my pseudo-uncle), Andy, Ed, PJ, and Manny. I grew up listening to his mixes, jamming out to Everybody Everybody by Black Box and Bizarre Love Triangle by New Order on repeat. He stopped making mixes for a long time, but recently, in between writing grants for work, he’s been in the basement bent over his record table, crafting new mixes. He dons thick black headphones, and I shout and wave my arms to capture his attention away from patching songs together. Curious about his DJing

background and current endeavors, we sat down together and discussed the following questions: Katie Lin (‘22): What got you into DJing, and what was it like?

Why did you like it?

Dave Lin: I got into DJing because I really liked music. I wasn’t a good musician, but I really enjoyed how music can move people emotionally.

In addition to the music, I really liked DJing because I became really good friends with the people in my group. We all loved music, and we all enjoyed sharing that music with other people.

Working parties was a lot of work, and sometimes we did three parties in a weekend. But it was also a lot of fun, because you had to be able to read the crowd and the mood, understand when to speed up the music, and what kind of music to play. You had to know how to move the crowd, because if you didn’t, the crowd would let you know. It was dance floor democracy in action every

ARTS

time we did a party. But DJing was also a great way to relax from all the pressures of graduate school.

KL: What artists inspire you the most, and why?

DL: Actually, I’d say the one person that inspired me the most was “Uncle Jeff.” Jeff wrote the preeminent book on the hip hop generation called Can’t Stop Won’t Stop, which won a National Book Award. He’s been on Netflix and NPR as an expert on music and history, and helped launch the careers of artists such as DJ Shadow. I was lucky I met him in graduate school. He introduced me to the Phunky Buddhas, and opened up a whole new musical world for me. I still learn about music from Jeff, and he continues to introduce me to new artists and ideas.

KL: What was/is your favorite part of being a DJ? DL: Putting songs together that just work. You know when it just sounds right. But my favorite part when I look back now is that I met the members of my DJ crew, who became lifelong friends.

KL: What was the most memorable experience you had?

DL: Probably when we DJed the UC Berkeley AIDS Danceathon.

We were on pretty much from 9 p.m. until 6 in the morning. It was exhausting but enormous amounts of fun (at least until 3 a.m.), and it was for a great cause.

The second one (and I’m embarrassed when I think back about how I did) was being invited to battle with members of DJ Qbert’s crew, who had won the world championships of DJing.

We were the only group stupid enough to accept the invite.

Everyone else backed out when they found out who was involved.

We were terrible, but we couldn’t pass up the chance!

KL: Recently, you’ve started making more mixes. What sparked this creativity and motivation?

DL: I stopped for 15 years, but I started again in part because of the pandemic. It gave me a chance to reconnect. But also, I realized there’s a lot of music out there today that I really like, and I just want to enjoy it in my own way. So, I put mixes together and share them with my friends, but also play them for myself.

KL: You talked earlier about trying to include concepts in your music. Can you tell me about the themes of your old/new mixes, and what other mixes you’re planning?

DL: So my old mixes were initially just songs I really liked, without any real concept behind them. But, one thing Uncle Jeff told me was that he always tries to inject a concept into all of his mixes. So, that’s what I’ve tried to do, whether or not the idea is to be more contemplative, or more upbeat, or to illustrate a particular style of music.

After the interview, my father mentioned how he’s glad I love his new mixes. He told me Andy’s kids like them too, and by reaching across so many generations, he feels like he’s done his job. My older sister, who lives in NYC, enjoys listening to them in her apartment, and my dad’s music taste has rubbed off on my second oldest sister, who hums the choruses whenever she visits.

His music has become part of our family, and I’m delighted I get to share his insights through this interview like he always shares his music with us.

KL: What did your parents think of it?

DL: They didn’t want me to do any of this. Yea. Nope. They just didn’t want me to stay out really late at night.

KL: I love how you still send new mixes to lifelong friends; can you tell me about the kind of community you found within DJing?

DL: What I didn’t say earlier was Jeff was also an activist who fought for social justice. That also was very inspiring to me, and I got involved in trying to address certain issues when I was in graduate school. I still try and do my own small part now as a Cornell faculty member, hoping to make the world a better place.

So DJing opened me up to different types of people, musicians and activists, and I learned you can do both: you can help the world and make music at the same time.

KL: How is the technology different from what you used in the past compared to now?

DL: For one thing, it’s a lot easier because you can carry all your songs with you on your computer instead of carrying around 20 crates worth of records. We went to one party, when CDs were starting to be widely used, and there was a six year old there. He pointed at the vinyl records we had and said, “what’s that?” Today, you can do more manipulation with digital music, and you don’t need to know how to match beats if you don’t want to. It’s just different: different era, different skills.

23

Downtown Ithaca on a snowy day by Hannah Shvets (1)

24

ARTS

25

ARTS

An Abstract Experience

By ELLA AVGAR

B

Sophie Taeuber-Arp, “Animated Circles,” 1934

right pops of color on cream-colored canvases. Lines that intertwine and intersect like ivy vines strangling an old stone building. People with unreadable expressions and glints in their eyes. Lavish landscapes with rolling hills and skies that move right in front of you. A certain something that keeps

you staring, staring, staring. There are few experiences like standing in front of a piece of artwork and feeling the weight and emotion of the piece hit you. For a few moments, a magical message has passed between you and the artist—you can feel their spirit flow through you, beckoning you in with a secret smile.

On an emotional level, art can connect us to the foundation of humanity. It is a string that tethers us together like a well-worn stitch in the fabric of Earth. Looking at a piece of art and feeling something click—regardless of whether that artist is long-dead, across the world, or living down the street—is a powerful occurrence. While art can portray emotions that cross the boundaries of life and death, any distance, it can also portray messages that combine with those emotions to create a spark—a spark that inspires the viewer or angers them. A spark that, most of all, says something.

While recently visiting the Museum of Modern Art, I came across an abstract art exhibit that featured a large collection of works by Sophie Taeuber-Arp. Taeuber-Arp was a Swiss artist and a pioneer of modern art, specifically creating geometric abstract paintings in the later years of her career. Born in Davos, Continued on page 26

26

ARTS / SPORTS

An Abstract Experience Continued from page 25 Switzerland in 1889, Taeuber-Arp moved to Germany at the age of 18. There, she studied textile design, which involved the creation of fabrics with patterns composed of shapes and colors.

When she moved back to Switzerland in 1915, she began to produce artwork with elements similar to those used in textile designs, weaving the geometric shapes and bold colors into new mediums. In 1928, she moved to Meudon, France, where her career flourished. She painted, designed interiors, and spread her work throughout the continent until the Nazi invasion of Paris sent her and her husband back to Switzerland, where she lived until her death.

As I walked around the spacious white galleries, the museum swallowed me into a pristine cave of her art. There were hundreds of pieces—each unique, but with her characteristic style.

Red, blues, and greens; circles, squares, and curved lines. I stood in front of a painting that featured large blue circles arranged in lines, with some circles slightly but noticeably uneven with the rest. Looking at it was like solving a puzzle only to find at the end that one piece was missing: infuriatingly close to perfection, but not quite there. While viewing abstract art, it is easy to get caught in its simplicity, labeling it as work that requires no skill or technique. What stood out to me, however, was how her art was so different from the detailed renderings of landscapes and portraits that can be found in other galleries. With my mind warring between loving and hating the work, I had a stark realization.

On the surface, the painting was a set of circles, but, in the context of her life, the painting meant so much more. Taeuber-Arp was a pioneer. She was influential in taking modern art to the next level and showing that things did not have to be detailed to be interesting. Silence is powerful, as is simplicity. An artist can make a message understood the second you look at a painting, or make you stare a bit longer, uncovering the message piece by piece, taking you on a journey. I settled into the knowledge that this art was revolutionary, allowing myself to love it a bit more. I then peeled back another layer, realizing the social context of her art. With Nazism on the rise in Europe during the height of her career, she used her art to push back the horrific ideologies gaining traction. In a Europe becoming more and more obsessed with order and perfection, creating the ideal, and relinquishing all else, Tauber-Arp was doing the opposite. She was deliberately creating disorderly art, art with lines a fraction out of place and squares that didn’t quite fit together. Art that provoked the viewer through its unevenness. Art that demonstrated the beauty in the “other” and could not be silenced. These realizations hit me in a way that I had never truly experienced before when looking at an abstract piece. Teauber-Arp’s work gave me a window into her ideas and perspective. Art can be beautiful, large, detailed, or colorful, but it means all the more when it has something to say.

The Toxic Reign of Eteri Tutberidze

By HANNAH SHVETS and ALICE BURKE

Content warning: this article makes mention of disordered eating and abuse of power.

F

ollowing the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics, Russian figure skating coach Eteri Tutberidze knew her life would never be the same when the world went wild over her pupil, then15-year-old Yulia Lipnitskiya. Lipnitskiya, who skated an amazing short program, fell in her long program, pushing her out of the running for a medal. Shortly after, Lipnitskiya left figure skating. At the next Olympics, however, Tutberidze brought two new skaters, Evgenia Medvedeva and Alina Zagitova, to South Korea. They won silver and gold, respectively, and the night ended with 19-year-old Evgenia in tears. This year, Eteri managed to bring not one, not two, but three talented skaters to Beijing. The favorite to win gold, Kamila Valieva, ended up in fourth place after a shocking turn of events in which she tested positive for the heart drug trimetazidine, was almost disqualified, and had a disastrous long program full of falls every few jumps. She left the rink in tears, where Eteri confronted her, saying, “Why did you let it go? Explain to me, why? Why did you stop fighting?”

The question that really should be asked is what kind of coach speaks to her distressed athlete like that? And the even better

question: in what kind of environment are these young women being trained?

These questions have been swirling through the media in the weeks following this year’s Olympics, at which Anna Shcherbakova won gold, and her teammate Alexandra “Sasha” Trusova won silver and subsequently broke down, not even congratulating her friend. She told coaches and reporters that she “hates this sport” and would never skate again, and, at one point, announced she wouldn’t go to the podium to receive her medal. As we watched these events unfold, we found ourselves criticizing Trusova for her poor sportsmanship; but upon reflection, a pattern began to emerge. When Alina Zagitova won in 2018, there was clearly some tension between her and Medvedeva as well, who cried about winning silver. Most figure skaters (who are not Russian) are overjoyed when they win silver—or any medal for that matter. So what does that say about the mentality that Eteri Tutberidze―and Russian sports culture as a whole―fosters within young athletes? One quote from Alexandra Trusova sums up the outlook all of Eteri’s skaters seem to have: “Winning is first place; anything else is losing.”

As of now, the most famous critique of Tutberidze is her socalled “Eteri expiration date,” referring to how many of her

SPORTS

students retire from the sport at a very young age. The coach’s skaters always score well, performing tricks no other skaters can do, but then often find themselves quitting with horrible injuries and little passion for the sport that was once their whole life.

Although it makes sense that burnout would happen to someone in such a competitive environment, figure skaters from other countries and who have different coaches have considerably longer careers, indicating that something Tutberidze is doing may be breaking these girls far too young. Yulia Lipnitskiya was breaking records at just 15, but by the end of the Olympics, she was falling in her routines and slowly losing her hold on the medal. Following the Olympics, Lipnitskiya periodically skated competitively but eventually enrolled herself into treatment for anorexia nervosa, announcing her retirement at 19 years old.

Alina Zagitova, 2018 Olympic gold medalist, took a break from skating at just 17 years old, citing a lack of motivation. Although it wasn’t an official retirement, Zagitova never truly returned to competitive skating. Evgenia Medvedeva had a complicated few years following the Olympics, finally leaving Eteri Tutberidze for a Canadian coach named Brian Orser. Medvedeva’s choice to leave Tutberidze turned into a social media controversy and led to her old coach bad-mouthing her and implying Medvedeva had “betrayed” her. Other girls in Eteri’s clutches have never even made it to the Olympics, suffering countless injuries that have left them incapable of competing.

While figure skating can be an extremely taxing sport on the body and mind, the injuries and burnout experienced by those coached by Eteri Tutberidze are unparalleled in the sport right now―meaning that Eteri’s training is making her athletes more susceptible to these mental and physical problems.

Some methods Tutberidze utilizes that clearly contributes to the ill-being of her athletes is food and liquid restriction and the use of hormones to prevent or slow puberty, done to keep the girls at extremely light weights so that they can perform the famed quad jump. In order to remain in the body of a 12-year-old, athletes under Tutberidze are encouraged to eat only powdered nutrients to sustain themselves or take Lupron, a puberty blocker known to induce menopause. In addition, they are subjected to daily public weigh-ins and verbal abuse if they are above their goal weight. During competition, Eteri’s girls are even wary of water.

After the 2018 Olympics, gold medalist Alina Zagitova told Russian Glamor, “I restricted myself during the Olympic Games. I was…not drinking water at all. That is, we just rinsed our mouths and spit it all out.” It is a huge red flag when a coach makes her athletes so fearful of gaining weight that they do not drink water at the largest athletic competition in the world. No wonder Yulia Lipnitskiya and other girls under Eteri have developed eating disorders; they are trained in a toxic environment that idolizes an unattainable body and punishes them for gaining weight even by simply drinking water.

Figure skaters under Tutberidze are also encouraged to ignore pain and perform through injury and sickness, which often leads to more serious, long-term issues. At the Russian championships in 2020, Anna Shcherbakova—this year’s Olympic champion—had pneumonia and still performed. In October, Alexandra Trusova sustained a stress fracture but competed anyway, sidelining herself for weeks, unable to walk. Trusova almost didn’t make the Olympic team due to this injury, but fortunately

27

for her, another one of Tutberidze’s students broke her arm and a second sustained an upper leg injury, putting Trusova back in the running for the Olympics. In addition, although Eteri Tutberidze is known for her work with young female skaters, she did work with Vladimir Samoilov, a male figure skater who pursued success as her prodigy. While training under Eteri, Samoilov began to have back issues and would have to get injections in order to compete in competitions. For weeks, he would train on and off, struggling to practice through intense pain. Ultimately, when his back pain was interfering too much with his training, Eteri told him, “Either you are training, or if your back hurts, sit at home and do not come again.” The expectation was clear: Samoilov was required to train through his pain or leave the coaching of Eteri Tutberidze.

Although there’s no direct link between Tutberidze and doping, the physician who works closely with her and her students, Filipp Shvetsky, was suspended from working with Russia’s rowing team for doping violations between 2007 and 2010. Kamila Valieva is only 15 years old—if she truly was using performance-enhancing drugs, she wouldn’t be the one to blame.

The motivation and acquiring of these drugs would be left up to adults near her, including her medal-hungry coach, Eteri Tuberidze.

Tutberidze has not hidden the controversial methods she uses to coach her athletes, and between doping controversies and her own figure skaters openly discussing how they have been mistreated under her supervision, one must wonder, why is Eteri still allowed to coach figure skating? Why has she not been stopped from using these harmful methods? The answer is simple: Eteri is too successful. She has coached the past two Olympic champions in women’s figure skating, as well as their runner-ups, and gained recognition and respect from Russia’s most prominent figure: President Vladimir Putin. Putin himself has taken an interest in Eteri’s role in the recent success and domination of Russia in women’s figure skating. Four years ago—following the Winter Olympics in PyeongChang—Putin awarded Tutberidze with the country’s Order of Honor in a ceremony at the Kremlin (the seat of the Russian government in Moscow) as recognition and congratulations for bringing honor and glory to Russia. This sentiment may also be reflected in the figure skating community, with some athletes and coaches feeling grateful for Tutberidze’s coaching, arguing that she single-handedly revitalized a sport that had remained stagnant in Russia for many years. However, as individuals begin to realize that the sport can progress without unnecessarily endangering the well-being of its athletes, perhaps more people will start addressing Eteri’s harmful coaching practices.

Unfortunately, figure skating is not the only sport in which young athletes are pushed over the edge. In many endurance and aesthetic sports, such as running, dancing, and gymnastics, athletes are picked young and trained hard―creating an environment in which detrimental coaching practices and even abuse can take place. Similar practices to those afflicted on the students of Tutberidze are seen in examples like Mary Cain (a high school running prodigy) and Katelyn Ohashi (an Olympic-hopeful gymnast). Both were talented athletes who had to leave the sports Continued on page 28

28

SPORTS

The Toxic Reign of Eteri Tutberidze Continued from page 27 they loved as a result of dangerous changes to their bodies and an excessive amount of pressure. In sports like wrestling, the practice of not drinking water or eating food to lose weight quickly is also applied, often crossing the line between dedication to a sport and serious mental illness. It’s heartbreaking to see the way young people are being forced to choose between success and health; Eteri is far from the only coach who perpetuates this culture. There’s no clear solution or end to this in sight,

but listening to what these figure skaters have to say and placing pressure on Tutberidze and her team to change the way they coach is a necessary step to be taken. These young girls do not exist for our entertainment, being paraded like monkeys in a zoo for the number of rotations they can do in a jump. They deserve protection and support while they partake in such a mentally and physically taxing sport, so they can maintain a healthy relationship with their bodies while still doing what they love.

Student-Athlete Features: Indoor Track and Field State Championship Competitors

By NATALIE PATRONE

O

n March 5, five athletes from the Indoor Track and Field team competed in the New York State Championship, which was held at the Ocean Breeze Park & Athletic Complex in Staten Island. The IHS athletes that competed were Everett Shaw (he/him, ’25), Elodie Fey (she/her, ’23), Forrest Kingsley (he/him, ’22), Moss Dengler (he/him, ’23), and Silas Richardson (he/him, ’22). Silas and Everett competed in long-distance races, Forrest competed in a mid-distance race, and Moss and Elodie competed in field events. The student-athletes agreed to answer a few questions about themselves and their track and field seasons and careers: Natalie Patrone: What event did you compete in during state championships?

Everett Shaw: Intersectional relay.

Elodie Fey: High jump.

Forrest Kingsley: 600-meter race.

Moss Dengler: I competed in the pole vault.

Silas Richardson: I ran the 1000 meter and the 1600 meter (one mile).

NP: What was your overall experience during state championships?

ES: I thought it was really fun, it’s good to get used to bigger meets since I’m a freshman and I’ll get more experience competing at a high level. The track was nice compared to Cortland.

EF: It was a fun, positive, experience.

FK: Overall, it was fun to go and represent Ithaca. It was fun to get back into that space and compete for such a large audience, after competing with no audience the whole season. The banked track was lots of fun as well.

MD: It was just really nice to be around so many people and vaulters that are the best in the state for their event. On top of my teammates and coaches the night before, I also got to spend a little time with the 5 other vaulters from Section IV at the meet.

SR: It was super cool. It was fun to have a bunch of competition, I got a few nice PRs (personal records) out of that. It was also cool seeing the next level of competition. It was cool because you can watch the faster heats and picture yourself in them. It was very motivating.

NP: How well did you do in relation to other competitors? How well did you do in relation to your past personal records and your expectations?

ES: Compared to other competitors, not that great. I got ninth out of 12 teams. But also it’s a relay, it’s not just me. My relay team didn’t do too hot. I PRed by a second. It’s not a ton for the mile. I kinda expected to go a little faster. I went out too fast. But I’m happy with my time.

EF: Unfortunately, I sprained my ankle two days before the meet, and two weeks before, I strained a bunch of tendons in my legs. I was set back a lot because of that. I think I did well, considering the circumstances I was in.

FK: Compared to other competitors, it was pretty good. I placed

29

SPORTS

13th in the federation. Compared to my personal best, it was fantastic. I PRed by 3.68 seconds, which is a lot for that short of an event.

MD: I placed ninth in the state (public schools) and 12th in the federation (public and private.) I went in hoping to clear 13’ 6” but ended up clearing 13’ on my third attempt; if I had cleared 13’ on my second attempt I would have tied for 8th and 6th and medaled.

SR: I was 14th overall in the 1000 meter, and I was 20th overall in the mile. Compared to my past performances, those were above average. Running at the Cortland track is a little misleading because it’s just so slow. Those were good races. I was also not surprised. I knew I could do it.

NP: Are there any other extracurriculars and/or activities you participate in?

ES: Other athletics like cross country and track, and I also like biking.

EF: I’m in the Little Red Leadership club. Basically, we meet and learn about how to be a better leader on our team.

FK: Athletics, like indoor track, as well as Libera Voce, which is a lower voice choir. It’s Thursdays after school. It’s lots of fun. I have sacrificed attending that for athletics in past years, but this year I am not.

MD: Nope.

SR: I like to play the drums. I like to hang out with my friends. I like to walk my dog. That’s pretty much it.

NP: What are your plans for future seasons?

ES: I just want to be known. I just want to set good enough times so people know me and people look out for me. I want to make an impact. I also want to be a team leader. We’re going to lose a lot of seniors. I just want to start a new era. I also want to break 4:30 in the mile.

EF: Keep doing indoor and outdoor track. I’m just hoping to get better.

FK: My goal right now is to set the high school record in the 400 and the 800-meter races, which I am reasonably close to, and it is definitely within my grasp. I did not break the record for indoor track. I think I was a second off, but we have been racing at Cortland all year long. I think I could’ve done it if I had the chance to race at quality facilities this year. I am definitely going to break the IHS 600-meter record for outdoor. I have the outdoor 600-meter record currently, but I am going to decrease it by a lot. I’m going to States for outdoor, too.

MD: I’m looking forward to my first normal outdoor season and hope to improve my form, clear 14 feet, and attend states again.

SR: After the meet, Coach Mac (the mid-distance and distance coach) sent me and Forrest [Kingsley] a picture of the school records in the 400, 800, 1600, and 3200-meter races, and said “these are your outdoor goals”. This outdoor season, I’m eyeing the school record in the mile. I’m pretty confident that I can get it, and I’m very confident Forrest can get either the 400 or 800-meter record. After that, I’ll figure out where I land in college. I’ll try to run well there too.

NP: Who is your biggest supporter and motivator throughout your running career?

ES: My family takes a lot of time to make sure I have all that I need to compete and do it at such a high level. And my team is always around me to help me get better and better, which is really helpful.

EF: Definitely Coach Baker. He’s been there since eighth grade, and he’s been a really big help. It’s because he knows a lot and he’s been doing it for a while.

FK: My family. For sure. My parents have been willing to sacrifice the extra hours it takes to get me to practice and meets, but also definitely coaches. Also, the rest of the team for meeting and for being so reliable throughout all of high school MD: My brother who also pole vaulted has always supported me, cheered me on, and coached me until he graduated last year.

SR: Coach Mac. It’s just Coach Mac. I think my motivation is kinda intrinsic. I don’t think there’s any singular person who I’m motivated to beat or be like, but Coach Mac has had an overwhelmingly positive influence on me. He pushes me, and he knows what I need to do to run as well as I want to run.

NP: What advice would you give to aspiring track and field athletes?

ES: Just keep pushing yourself. Try to do everything, even all the little stuff. For example, stretching every time, doing core, all the little things that can make you just a little bit better. Those things will make you a lot better in the long run. Try to surround yourself with people that you like and people who push you. Then, you’ll get better, and they’ll also get better.

EF: Come to practice every day and stay caught up with your grades.

FK: To set goals that you can achieve, but also to set goals that it would take a miracle to achieve. For instance, when I was younger, my goal was to run on the same team as my sister, who was five years older than me. It wasn’t really reasonable. That really pushed me to perform. You go into every event and try to aim for excellence every single time. Don’t crush yourself if you don’t succeed. Just be willing to set higher goals the next time, even if you didn’t achieve them before. The only way to get better is to Continued on page 30

30

SPORTS / LITERARY

Student-Athlete Features: Indoor Track and Field State Championship Competitors Continued from page 29 move forward. Also, put yourself in positions where you’re strained to the maximum. Performing in a lot of events in a meet is something that is really difficult. It requires a lot of mental willpower. It is really important to try to perform as well as you can in as many events as possible. Be available for anything that your team needs.

MD: 90 percent and healthy is better than 100 percent and injured.

SR: I think the best advice I could give is to set your expectations for yourself high, but be okay with not meeting them. I set very

high expectations for myself, and that leads me to naturally push myself further than other people would. I attribute a lot of my success to that. My success came from improvement, not because I was naturally the fastest kid on the team. Set high expectations for yourself and work hard to meet them.

With the upcoming spring track and field season, these student-athletes and many others will be competing again. The outdoor track and field season will have several home meets, and I encourage you to come and see the immense dedication of these five athletes—as well as others—pay off.

Diaspora

By Maggie Bonassar The graves of my ancestors lie across the sea, In a place forgotten by my grandparents, My parents, Myself They call to me in languages I can’t speak; I hear them in the songs of my childhood, In raucous melodies of spirit and ballads of loss, In the way my heart twists when I can’t quite sing the tune I can hear them in the claddagh ring I twist on my finger, Taste them in the fatayer and tabbouleh we eat at Easter; They know my sorrow when my grandmother confesses She was never taught to speak Slovak The spirits of my ancestors rest far away, Separated from their children by hundreds of years And what they didn’t leave behind There is a word for what my forefathers became, When they crossed the seas and founded new lives, When they severed the ties that would bind their children to their parents: diaspora They, the few, scattered to the winds When the war became too much And there was no food left to eat And the next boat out was leaving for Ellis Island There is a word for what I am, a product of diasporae, A child of those who left and never returned, Of those who gave up their language, their rings, their food, And became just like everyone else The ghosts of my ancestors haunt lands that are not my own, Scarred and marred and rebuilt by those who stayed behind I am a stranger to them, a child of a distant land; Are they stronger, I want to ask, for staying?

Are they better, because they suffered in the motherland while my forefathers did not?

Would they welcome me as their sister, though I am not one of their own?

I was born on stolen land, in a country that had taken away songs and dances that My grandparents, their parents don’t even know And now I am set adrift, a monument to the tragedy of diasporae, And I fear that my ancestors will never know me as their own.

Haikus

By Aitan Avgar

library light on a dark day the fluorescence strikes its glow nauseating me sleep pools under eyes walking through water solidified steps my thighs strain, moving forward the waves thrash my bones untitled i wish you were mad i ignore you, but you don’t even notice it

LITERARY

Ein Kriegsgedicht/A War Poem

By Ruby LaRocca Ein Kriegsgedicht

A War Poem

Schwer vorzustellen Da zu sein Wenn du nicht bist —oder noch nie gewesen bist

Hard to imagine Being there When you’re not —or have never been

Aber vielleicht nicht so schwer in der Nacht, Kalt und ausgesetzt während Schlaf.

But maybe less hard at night Cold and exposed as you are in sleep.

Wenn er zurückkommt Fühlt er ein Schleier, ein Tuch, eine unbewegliche Berg, eine unvereinbare Unterschied Zwischen er und alle anderen er trifft.

Diese Zivilpersonen werden nie kennen Nie verstehen Oder wollen zu hören Über die Hölle/der Ort jenseits der Schornsteine, der Hütten, und die ordentlichen Gärten.

When he returns He feels a screen, a cloth, an immovable mountain, an irreconcilable difference between himself and everyone he meets.

These civilians will never know Never understand Or want to hear About the Pit/the place beyond the smokestacks, cottages, and tidy gardens.

Weit vom Zuhause; Nah genug um Zuhause zu riechen

Far away from home; close enough to smell home

Weit genug von Heim um allein in deiner Welt zu sein Aber noch nah genug Um Bratenduft, Kaffee, und Tabak, Die in der Luft hängen, Zu riechen (Diese sind nur Gerüche an der Front)

Far enough away to be alone in your world Yet close enough To smell frying bacon, coffee, and tobacco Lingering in the air (these are smells only at the Front)

Brauner, schluffiger Stoff zu trinken Tiefer Schlamm in dem man kann absenken Kalte erschöpfte Nächte in denen man kann denken Die Bindung der Männer ist das einzige Gelenk

Writing for our Rights

By Louisa Miller-Out The Court will soon deliberate On an issue that makes me irate If they overturn Roe There’ll be nothing but woe This should not be a freaking debate!

Brown, silty stuff to drink Deep mud in which to sink Cold, weary nights in which to think The bond of men, the only link

31

32

LITERARY

blood/sick

By Raia Gutman The text of this blackout poem comes from the online messages between German cannibal Armin Meiwes and his lover/victim Bernd-Jürgen Brandes before they met.

Cator99: Hallllooooo????

Antrophagus: Hi, Cator, what do you do professionally, that you are up so late at night?

Cator99: I can’t sleep well anymore because of our meeting Antrophagus: That’s a sensible reason. Yesterday I was incredibly tired, it was a stressful day Cator99: I’m in telecommunications Antrophagus: Oh, that sounds interesting Cator99: I believe you Antrophagus: I’m looking forward to our meeting, it will definitely be really cool Cator99: I want it to be! I hope it’ll be really cool. Are you setting an alarm clock?????

Cator99: Then I hope you won’t wilt, that you can really see it through without a problem Antrophagus: To bite into your penis will certainly not be easy— living flesh is somewhat more resistant than fried—but one thing is certain: our dream will be fulfilled Cator99: But there’s not so much in it as there is in muscle Antrophagus: Yeah, but the penis is principally a spongy material filled with blood Cator99: For both our sakes, I hope that’s true. I hope you have also already thought about what’s to be done with the rest. Fulfilling the dream shouldn’t become a nightmare for you. No one will know where I’ve disappeared to Antrophagus: After you’re dead, I’ll take you out and expertly carve you up. Except for a pair of knees and some fleshy trash (skin, cartilage, tendons), there won’t be much of you left Cator99: There will be a good bit, like the knees, I hope you have a good hiding place for them

Antrophagus: It’s only a few days until March 9

Antrophagus: I’ll dry out the knees and grind them up soon after

Cator99: Still, I would have rather met you yesterday and felt your teeth

Cator99: Okay, they’re good as fertilizer, I heard that once. I see you’ve thought about it. Good! Sounds like I’m the first

Antrophagus: One can’t have everything. There’s still some time before you really feel my teeth

Antrophagus: And you won’t be the last, hopefully. I’ve already considered catching a young person from the street, but I would rather kill only those who want to be killed

Cator99: I hardly know what to expect. Have you slaughtered a man before?

Antrophagus: Unfortunately, only in my dreams, but in my thoughts I do it every night Cator99: So I’m the first? You have eaten human flesh before, or you haven’t?

Cator99: That also doesn’t sound bad. But yeah, seeing as it’s not so totally legal, this is in my eyes better than yanking somebody directly off the street Antrophagus: Exactly, I’d do it, if it were legal

Antrophagus: No, you don’t exactly find it in the supermarket, unfortunately Cator99: How do you know if it will taste good to you, or that the blood won’t make you sick?

Antrophagus: I’m readying myself with my dreams. Once I was so excited I grabbed a needle and drew my own blood so I could drink it Cator99: And your blood, it tasted good to you?

Antrophagus: It was quite tasty. Once I was drilling some holes and the drill slipped right into my hand, that was a real treat.

Blood is the juice of life. It contains everything a person needs for nutrition

Downtown Ithaca on a snowy day by Hannah Shvets (2)

33

LITERARY

playing cards

By Jinho Park I love playing cards with my brother in his room.

When I come in, I can only see his head popping out to read his book or watch Naruto. The rest of him is buried in a blanket, which he brings everywhere in the house, wearing it like a toga.

When my mom cleans it once every month, enough dust billows out to cover the entire deck outside. Once in a while, I tell him to stop dragging the blanket everywhere all the time, that he’s thirteen now and a little old for all this. But then he laughs like I’m being silly and tells me that I’m a little old to be reading Diary of a Wimpy Kid again. Fair point.

Midnight

I love playing cards with him. Recently though, he’s caught on about that, and he makes the most of it. He tells me (or orders me) to go get him some water or juice, or else he won’t play. He’s “super dehydrated.”

I can barely watch, breathe, (Tick, tick, tick) It’s almost Midnight

By Maggie Bonassar

We mostly play Spit or Cabo. We don’t just play cards, though.

I ask him how his friends are doing (they’re fine) and whether he wants help with any of his homework (no). Then, he teases me about my taste in music and says that he’s going to win every game.

They need our fear— Their blood burns for it It’s what gives them their power, It’s what keeps us engaged, Keeps us watching

Sometimes, I’m scared my brother will grow up, that he won’t always be young and blanket-dragging. But until he isn’t, I will cherish each moment of this last year before I go to college, each time we yell cabo.

I look away and they’re still with me; They’re in my hands and in my head and— It’s almost Midnight When that bow breaks, When that cradle falls, I know they’ll come down with me; We all fall at Midnight It’ll be the end of us, Something that haunts Those Who Remain I won’t know them, They won’t know me: I die at Midnight I write so they’ll remember me: That scared little girl, Who cried and fought, And raged, And was powerless to stop it

Downtown Ithaca on a snowy day by Hannah Shvets (3)

(Ashes, ashes) I should close the curtains, Fold my toga over my face (We all fall down) It’s almost Midnight.

34

BACK PAGE

School-Related Predictions for April

Gemini (May 21 - June 20): Desperately needing to pee, you’ll run around the entirety of IHS only to find every single bathroom locked. In a daze of desperation, you’ll relieve yourself under the stairwell to Upstairs K, and end up as the first post on @ihs.caughtpissing.

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19): You’ll wake up, get dressed, and go to school with a pit in your stomach, fearing your imminent math test.

Upon getting to class, your teacher will announce that the test has been canceled, sending an orgasmic wave of relief through your fully-awake body.

Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20): After giving away all of your pencils to your friends who’ve forgotten theirs at home, you’ll sit down to take your science test and find your pencil case entirely empty, forcing you to take the test using a single piece of mechanical pencil lead.

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18): Stuck in the logjam of F-Hallway, a rushing student will trip over the person next to you, sending their school lunch tray flying through the air. Without even trying, you’ll manage to pull off a Spiderman-esque saving of your peer’s lunch, leading to the entire hallway erupting in applause.

Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19): Although you’ve managed to keep your grades up enough to satisfy your parents so far this year, your history teacher will give you a zero on your project that you turned in at 12:04 a.m., tanking your class grade and leading to the wrath of your parents coming out in full force.

Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20): After holding in your bowel for far too long, you’ll rush to the bathroom to empty yourself. To your pleasant surprise, the bathroom will have just been cleaned, and no one will walk into the bathroom while you take your dump.

By Adam Saar

Cancer (June 21 - Jul 22): Having spent an entire week memorizing the dates of historical events for your history test, when you get it back you’ll see a large zero on the top of the page, and realizing that you’ve memorized the dates in opposite order.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21): Coming back from a Dollar-Slice Tuesday lunch run, you’ll be delighted to find your favorite parking spot still open, and is even a pull-through spot this time!

Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22): While rushing to get to the lunch line in order to avoid the long wait, you’ll trip over your own untied shoelaces midway down the G-Building stairs, sending you for an Olympics-worthy tumble that will end with crashing into your annoyed crush at the bottom of the stairs.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21): Barely managing to stay awake as a result of the four hours, 12 minutes, and 34.1 seconds of sleep you got the previous night, your angel of a friend will offer you a full bag of jolly ranchers, saving you from an inevitable appearance on @ihs.caughtlacking.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22): After pulling an all-nighter procrastinating, you’ll walk into school in a daze, armed only with an iced coffee. In a cruel twist of fate, every single one of your teachers will cold call you, leaving you blubbering like a drunkard by the time you reach eighth period.

Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 22): Having been recruited to host IHS Connects, you’ll manage to get the entire script right on your first try, and you’ll impress the entire school with your charisma.

Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 22): You’ll be recruited to host IHS Connects, but after 17 unsuccessful takes, you still won’t be able to get the script right. The following Wednesday, you’ll be mortified to see that the entire video is a gag reel of your blunders.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22): Although you will fall asleep at your desk at home attempting to finish your oral presentation, you’ll be drawn last in the randomly-generated presentation order, giving you enough time to finish while your classmates present.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21): After letting your eyes close for a smidge too long in class, you’ll wake up to find the room empty, the lights shut off, and the door locked. You’ll escape through the fire window, only to find that @ihs.caughtlacking has devoted an entire post to your record-breaking snooze.

Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22): Walking mindlessly through the halls, you’ll see a figure tumbling down the stairs out of the corner of your eye. Without thinking, you’ll turn to catch them, finding yourself holding your grateful crush in your arms.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21): Finding the entire parking lot full upon your arrival to school at 9:01 a.m., you’ll park awkwardly next to one of the large storage containers. You’ll think you’ll get away with it, only for your car to show up on @sihstyparkingjobs within the hour, and you’ll be told to move your car over the announcements in the middle of your science presentation.

Cancer (June 21 - Jul 22): Upon receiving your history quiz, you’ll realize you’ve accidentally read the wrong textbook chapter, forcing you to completely BS your way through the quiz. Lo and behold, your teacher will greet you the next day by congratulating you on the only perfect score in your class.

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19): On the morning of your dreaded math test, you’ll wake up, go to school, and be elated to hear that your teacher canceled the test.

However, just as soon as you jump for joy from the news, you’ll realize that you’re jumping from the sound of your alarm clock, and find that you’ve only been dreaming.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20): Having held in a piss for a period too long, you’ll run to the nearest bathroom, praying it’s unlocked. The door will open swiftly—the gods have blessed you with mercy today.

Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19): Walking into your history class, you’ll be mortified to realize that a major project was due that day that you had no idea about. Mercifully, your teacher will give you a chocolate bar to console you and will exempt you from the project.

By Raas R. Mada

Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20): After taking a long and painful dump in the disgusting school bathroom, you’ll finish after what feels like a torturous eternity. You’ll wash your hands and reach to open the door to get back to class, yet the door won’t budge—you’ll wait another two full periods before an administrator unlocks the bathroom.

Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20): At the end of a miserable week of using pencils, you’ll find your favorite pen, which you lost a week earlier, hiding under a lab table in your science class, relieving you from your suffering.

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18): Stuck in the logjam that is the F-Building hallway, a rushing student will trip over the person behind you, spilling their entire school lunch tray over your brand-new (formerly) white shoes.

APRIL FOOLS’

17

16

APRIL FOOLS’

IHS Daltball: Starting off Strong!

Continued from page 15

By Luvis XIV

By Kyle Whitman

just 0.6 points!

This first weekend’s events ground to a halt all too soon for spectators. IHS Little Red, inching their way into the quarterfinals, will continue their fight for a title this coming Saturday on the shores of Cayuga Lake, just past the Yacht Club. Our players will be going up against Elmira, yet another traditional rivalry. Field preparations are already well underway, and will be unmissable for those of you who know your stuff (as I have no doubt you do). Bring plenty of school spirit, and be sure to leave your devices off the field! I can’t wait to see you there to support our players through this amazing, long-lived tradition.

one hour break between matches, just barely meeting regulations. This particular match will be the talk of fans for years to come. Largely unspectacular, the two teams were at a relative stalemate for most of the game, going head to head until the back end of the fourth third. Just when the crowd was sure that Vestal would pull through with their then 4.9 point lead, the Little Red kicked into gear, surpassing their lead by almost double. The drama didn’t end here, however. Impressive plays from both teams including some truly beautiful spalls and fends brought the game into overtime, tied at 117.38 points at the end of the fifth third. The Lil’ Red, in the allotted twelve minute and sixteen second overtime, scraped into the lead, topping Vestal’s score by

My Quest to Find The Ballad of A Toilet Luve It was a dark and dreary time I say I needed to pee at school that day I walked from the room they call my class With naught in life but a hallway pass

There once was a man named Luvelle Who was doing incredibly well Let his salary climb Paid his teachers a dime And he never thought they would rebel

To where in this building would my journey lead me?

To which of the bathrooms would my destiny be?

Of this I did not know But I wished my bladder was not so

The joke was on him in the end Because one day, they’d no longer bend They made up a pact And decided to act Because he couldn’t superintend

I walked and walked around for miles Past rooms where students were in single files On bathroom doors I heaved and wrenched In vain attempts my hopes were henched

They cornered him after a chase And soon put him into his place If he didn’t raise pay They would show him the way With a classic old pie to the face

I wept, I cried in pure despair Admins passed me without a care Where was this open place to pee?

Rarer than a Bonsai tree But then when walking past the Senior Square A gender neutral bathroom did my eyes ensnare But alas the lock clicked firm. I felt my very soul decay It was a dark and dreary day

Emo Elf

By Luna King O’Brien

His eyes were rimmed with coal, Red and green turned dull Knee length boots, Nightly loots, To fix the gaping hole.

Megamind

APRIL FOOLS’

15

Cristiano Ronaldo sign on as the offensive leader of the team.

When asked to comment on his career change, Ronaldo said that he was “done with soccer” and “excited to try this obviously superior sport.” The Vatican has even announced its intentions of creating a Maddrenball team after Pope Francis publicly endorsed the sport.

Tonight, Greece and Norway will start off the season. This game is fairly even-matched and should be quite exciting. The opening match will be streamed on all platforms and is projected to be the second most-viewed sports event of all time, the first predicted to be the Maddrenball World Championship, soon to come. Show some IHS pride by tuning in to the big game tonight!

Scan this code to listen to the full playlist on Spotify!

New European Maddrenball League Formed

By GYM CLASS HERO

M

addrenball has been a staple in IHS gym classes for years. The game was created by our very own PE teacher, Ms. Maddren. The game is rather simple to understand: it is a combination of basketball, handball, and soccer, in which two teams try to score as many points as possible before the timer runs out. Recently, this IHS gym class favorite has spread outside of the walls of Bliss Gym, and the Tattler is proud to announce that a new European professional Maddrenball league has been created. Each country will have a team and compete over a 50-game season to be the Maddrenball European Champions. The championship will be held in Rome. League officials are trying to rent out the Colosseum to hold the epic culmination of the Maddrenball season.

When asked to comment on her sport’s success, Ms. Maddren said she believed that “taking this sport overseas was a good idea,” and she has hopes that someday her creation will end up “becoming as popular as pickleball.” While I talked to her, she seemed excited at the prospect of having her sport reach such high levels of fame and gave off an aura of confidence, as if she had expected the sport’s success all along.

Currently, the French and German teams are favorites, but things are looking up for the Portuguese team (which had been predicted to be second-worst in the league), which recently had

IHS Daltball: Starting off Strong!

By A SEASONED DALTBALL SPECTATOR

T

his year’s annual Daltball tournament was kicked off with a bang on the last Saturday in March (as the rulebook dictates, of course), drawing spectators from around the state.

Participating in this national tradition for decades, IHS prides itself with having over two dozen placings in such tournaments, hoping to add to the collection yet again this year. The team’s preparation was closely watched across the county, and the incredible outcomes of the local season were reflected in the team’s performance at the regional games this past month.

An avid fan of the sport (as I’m sure many of you are), I of course attended the tournament. As per the rulebook, as we’re all aware, the games were not televised or recorded, so I’ll do my best to recount the events for those of you who were unable to attend.

In their first game, the IHS team faced Corning in a frenzied match. Bitter rivals for years, these two teams typically, as we all know, generally come face to face much later in the tournament, but major shifts in regional teams called for reorganization this year. Needless to say, this first game was absolutely thrilling. Our very own #5 scored a remarkable 17.6 points in the first half hour with some incredibly tactfully placed whings! The IHS defensive lineup valiantly protected the Round, denying Corning 32.74 of the possible points made from their erratic tactics. Staff turnover within ICSD has proven valuable for this year’s season, bringing a new coach to the team, and with them, new strategies that brought IHS the win over Corning.

Moving up from the first bracket, the IHS Lil’ Red went up against Vestal following their defeat of Horseheads with only a Continued on page 16

14

APRIL FOOLS’

Principal Trumble Makes His Comedic Debut Continued from page 13 by a parked car. Yo mama’s teeth are so yellow, when she smiles at traffic, it slows down.” Within minutes, she had the entire audience wishing for the main act to begin just so they wouldn’t have to suffer through any more offensive one-liners.

Finally, like a beautiful butterfly shedding its chrysalis with damp wings, Jason Trumble emerged from between the velvet drapes to roaring applause. He gave a wave and a shy smile, took a swig from his carton of cafeteria chocolate milk, and detached the mic from its stand. After the obligatory wave of screeching feedback, he began his set. “Alright team, we wanna thank you all for coming out tonight. Mr. Trumble is so excited to be giving his very first comedy show. Also, I’d like to thank my bestie Luvelle Brown for being here tonight, because his head is so shiny I used it to check my reflection, and make sure there was nothing in my teeth before coming out onto the stage.”

“Sometimes students ask me, ‘Mr. Trumble, how did you climb the ranks to become principal?’ And I tell them, ‘With a ladder, silly!’” A resounding groan arose from the audience.

“No, but honestly, you just have to be good at working in a team and public speaking. Did you know that public speaking is most people’s worst fear? Some people would rather DIE than speak in public. I can only assume that’s why people don’t ever come to IHS pep rallies and skip class—they’re probably just scared they’ll have to speak in front of other people—but if you were to ask me, ‘Mr. Trumble, what are you most afraid of?’ I would probably say, ‘Not living my life with compassion, integrity, ownership and tenacity.’”

I won’t spoil the rest of the set, as I’ve heard Trumble is getting his own Netflix comedy special soon, but it was a truly entertaining evening if I do say so myself.

Ultimate Party Playlist

By A CERTIFIED DJ

A

“Elephant Seals 2” by Doug Carroll: Do you know what an elephant seal sounds like? I didn’t either before listening to this.

Apparently, it sounds like a seagull in need of a lozenge. This track is a wonderful way to spark engaging conversations.

“Doors Opening & Closing” by Mario ASMR Studio: By this point, your party is probably winding down. Play this song as a subtle but firm hint that your guests will have to leave soon.

“Vacuum Cleaner Sounds” by Calmsound: The description of this piece states that the purpose of this track is to help desensitize your pets to sounds of which they might be afraid. It also makes for really nice conga line dance music.

“Brahms Lullaby” by Lia Phillips: Your party has been going on for a while now. With all of these songs to hype them up and keep them energized, your guests are probably really tired.

Do them a favor and let them cool off to this nice soothing song.

Just make sure you play it loud enough so your guests don’t actually fall asleep.

“Lamenting Whales 2” by Oceanografers: After the intensity of the first song, your guests might be ready for some more relaxed tunes. This song is a great way to keep the party subdued yet energetic. The title of this song might suggest a sad sound, but the high pitches throughout the piece create more of a healthy feeling of terror in the listener.

“Evil Background Songs” by Scary Music Orchestra: Your guests thought they were here for a fun, lighthearted time?

Well, they were wrong. This song really sets the mood for the existential dread to creep in and consume all of your guests. It’s also especially fitting for Halloween parties.

“4:33” by John Cage: This song is the perfect start to a super fun party! To really get your guests pumped up, start off with this classic. The best thing about this song? It doesn’t matter if your speaker is at maximum volume or muted—the song sounds the same!

“Hammering” by Unspecified: Beware: the echoing sound of hammers is known to start intense raves and even mosh pits.

Play this song with caution. It’s a real headbanger!

ccording to several uncited scholarly articles, April is objectively the best month for parties. Although parties can be pretty fun to attend, they are nightmares to manage.

What food should you provide? How dim should the lights be?

Where should you hide the valuables in your house? What music should you play? Thankfully, we can help with the last one.

Here’s the definitive playlist of the best party bangers to blast out of the boomboxes:

“Humans Laughing” by Doug Carroll: Maybe your guests are still feeling rather flustered after the lamenting whale sounds. This song is excellent to continue lightening the mood.

Laughing is apparently infectious, so a laugh track must be peak comedy, right?

“Never Gonna Give You Up” by Rick Astley: Gotta go out with a bang, right?

APRIL FOOLS’

represent The Communist Party of the United States of America in upcoming presidential elections. There’s no way we could be more proud of him. From teaching little 16-year-old snobs about revolutionaries like Lenin, to truly embodying what Marx would have wanted American politics to be today. One small step for Prokosch, one giant leap for mankind. Sadly, he may have to give up his human-sized cardboard cutout of Tay-Tay, as communists do not approve of the glamorization of wealthy capitalists such as Swift. He may also have to give up those 500 dollar suits…not very proletarian of you Prokosch, huh? Nonetheless, the students of IHS are sure he will go far in this new position, and soon capitalism in America will be no more. All hail Prokosch!

13

Chem Teacher/Farmer Founds Largest Commune in the US Bob Tuori, AP Chemistry and Sustainable Agriculture teacher, is a self-proclaimed agrarian-populist, which can be summarized as someone whose political goals center around the working farmers of the world. As Mr. Jordan has probably taught you, the Populist Movement in US history was a grassroots movement made up of farmers who were anti-elite and anti-corporatism, fighting the democratic struggle. Mr. Tuori has his own farm, where he grows produce that you can find him selling at his stand at the Farmers’ Market on weekends. As Tuori approaches his middle-aged years, he’s discovered the desire to do more about his agrarian-populist values, starting with opening up Bob’s Finger Lakes Commune, a prospering community where Upstate New York farmers and families can work together in their own socialist utopia. He will continue to teach at IHS and welcomes any and all students to come to try out real-life communism.

Principal Trumble Makes Comedic Debut

By YO-MA MA

A beautiful smiling Madame Bowman by Hannah Shvets

Language Teacher has Spirit One of the most beloved teachers in our school by far is Madame Bowman, a French teacher for all levels, from French II to Advanced Placement. It may come as no surprise to her current and former students that after her retirement next year she has chosen to become the captain of the Varsity Cheer team. Bowman has more energy than all of her students combined, even now that she’s a grandma to a very cute little boy. Her first step as cheer coach will be changing all the cheers into French and changing the uniforms from the school colors to the colors of the Democratic Republic of Congo (sky blue, yellow, and red). This may seem like an arbitrary choice, but the colors of the flag of France are far too overused (in Madame’s opinion), so she chose the country with the highest population of French speakers. Every cheer uniform will also come with a little blazer, akin to the ones our very stylish teacher wears every day to school.

O

n a lovely Friday evening, I headed to the IHS cafeteria to enjoy some top-tier local entertainment. Ms. Hardesty had stationed herself outside and was directing traffic in her usual demure manner. They asked for my student ID at the door, which I had to punch in three times on a keypad with no monitor. I checked out the vending machine, but a mere Dasani water was three bucks. No thanks! As I settled into my seat (I had to fight a seven-foot-three freshman tooth and nail for it), I noticed that the place was more packed than I’d ever seen it, even before COVID. The tickets were expensive, too, at almost 10,000 Luvecoin. Once I entered, I wasn’t allowed to leave until 7:30 (the show started at five). But as I’d soon come to find out, the experience was well worth it.

A blaring 10-second bell signaled the beginning of the show, and the audience was encouraged to place their cell phones in a box. “Don’t worry, we won’t steal your data,” reassured the administrators. “We already have plenty.”

The lovely, subtle fluorescent lights dimmed and the entire audience focused their attention on the plush red curtain, which had begun to rustle. Barely audible, but definitely there, were the unmistakable sounds of a man hyping himself up: “Come on Jason, you can do this. You’re IHS strong, goshdarnit, IHS strong.”

In order to protect his dignity and distract the audience, Ms. Hardesty climbed on stage and started warming up the room by cracking some classic “yo’ mama” jokes. “Yo’ mama’s so stupid, she studied for a COVID test. Yo’ mama’s so stupid, she got hit Continued on page 14

12

APRIL FOOLS’

Freshman Vapes at College Level Continued from page 11 asked for comment on this Mr Trumble told the Tattler, “Freshman this year are indeed different beasts,” though he would not specify in which category.

Described as a “talented smoker” who was a “frequent occupant” of the bathrooms, the Tattler was eager to sit down with this near-collegiate JUULer. The transcript below illuminates an exclusive look at the man behind the puff.

George Burns: Describe your reaction when you found out about the award.

Mike Hawk: It was scary at first. I got this phone call home and I thought “oh no, am I in trouble?” It turns out I wasn’t though.

My mom picked up the phone, after asking if I had skipped Gym, and she got this really raspy voice on the other end. At first we thought it was a scam but we were only partially right because it turned out it was College Board.

GB: How did you feel about winning such an accolade?

MH: I was shocked. To me it was honestly pretty crazy since I didn’t even feel I smoked that much compared to the other freshmen. My mom was pretty shocked too for other reasons. She wasn’t aware I smoked!

GB: Have you taken Health yet?

MH: No. GB: Any future plans?

MH: To be completely honest, I’m not really sure where I’ll go from here. I do want to quit smoking at some point, and I’ll probably have to since my parents are so mad after learning I JUUL. Note: Mike was interviewed via Zoom—his parents have not let him leave the house since finding out about his collegiate vaping abilities.

Notable IHS Teachers’ Post-High School Plans

By STEVE’S BIGGEST FAN

Steve Weissburg in Jordan, courtesy of his website Math With Steve

IHS Math Teacher Goes Big

S

teve Weissburg, IHS’ very own Honors Geometry and Honors Pre-Calc BC teacher, is officially leaving the teaching profession to pursue bigger and better things. On January 1, Steve—better known now as the 12th High Commissioner for Refugees—was elected to one of the highest positions one can hold in the United Nations. The primary goal he wants to achieve during his five-year term is to implement education programs in refugee camps around the world, “so no one ever has to struggle

to solve fractions and linear equations the way my Ithaca Honors students do.” Currently, 48 percent of refugee children remain out of school, a heartbreaking percentage that would surely drop to zero under the direction of Steve.

Mr. Weissburg is truly the one to tackle international issues like global education, given what an international man he is.

Check out his website, mathwithsteve.weebly.com, to witness a blog of his travel locations, including Jordan, Morocco, Georgia, Ghana, and more; he discusses culture, geography, math-related topics (of course), language, humanitarian issues, and more.

His experience teaching French will surely help him with this journey, given that it is the official language in 29 countries. Who knew so many people spoke French? A country must be truly good at imperialism and colonization to force so many people to abandon their own culture and language for that of their oppressors.

Anyway, all of the students at Ithaca High School wish the best to Steve in his upcoming role; we’re sure he’ll fill the shoes of the last old white man in charge of refugees just fine!

AP Euro Teacher Does What He’s Always Dreamed Of Matthew Prokosch, famed wearer of suits, low-key obsessive Swiftie, and reasonably successful AP European History teacher, has decided to take teaching about socialism to a whole new level—by becoming the face of it! Prokosch, a well-known Marxist-Leninist at IHS (evidenced by the USSR flag on his wall and various other Soviet memorabilia), has been given an offer to

APRIL FOOLS’

11

Make Dollar Slice Tuesday a District Holiday

By RYAN THOMPSON

I

magine it’s a Tuesday. You’re in class and it’s 20 minutes before lunch. You can’t wait to go down next period with your friends to Papa John’s to grab a slice of pizza. For a single dollar you can get one of the most succulent pizza slices you’ve ever tasted.

The tradition of Dollar Slice Tuesday is a cultural event that has taken a foothold among both students and staff. The cafeteria is noticeably emptier on Tuesdays, and according to a recent survey, a stunning 60 percent of upperclassmen get pizza from Papa John’s on dollar slice day. This phenomenon isn’t just limited to students, teachers and staff are also eager participants in this weekly phenomenon. According to the Student Representatives to the Board of Education, Mr. Trumble himself is a fan of Papa John’s dollar slices and many teachers are known to frequent the joint too. However, actually getting pizza on Dollar Slice Tuesday requires students to have free and equal access to Papa John’s.

But what if you don’t have a lunch? What if you don’t have a free period? What if you don’t have transportation? How will you ever get your hands on that coveted slice of pizza? It’s deeply unfair to those who want a dollar slice from Papa John’s but don’t have the means to get it. Who are we as a District if we can’t afford every student the opportunity to sink their shiny white teeth into that gushy cheesy slice of Papa John’s? Missing out on Dollar Slice Tuesday isn’t just barring students from eating—it’s a form of exile, a punishment so barbarous it strains credulity

at best. Dollar Slice Tuesday is a school-wide tradition, a time where friends can make the weekly pilgrimage to spend their dollars on some greasy goodness. By not having equal access to this venerated event, you’re excluding students simply because they don’t have the time or transportation to reach Papa John’s.

Ensuring the right of students to get that dollar slice of pizza is, at its core, an issue of equity. For this reason, it’s imperative we make Dollar Slice Tuesday a district holiday.

Giving students certain days off is a precedent that the Ithaca City School District has enacted in the past. Just last year, Wednesdays were made asynchronous, with students staying at home unless they had a meeting with a teacher or other sanctioned school event. The administration must implement a similar policy for Dollar Slice Tuesday and provide busing for students who don’t possess the transportation to get there. Having Tuesday be a day where students partake in the succulent slices of Papa John’s is not only equitable but in line with the District’s Culture of Love. By going to Papa John’s you’re not only showing love for the friends and people you go with, but also supporting the pizza and the local community that crafts it.

It pains my heart and soul to see that some students don’t have access to Dollar Slice Tuesday. Every student without a greasy slice of Papa Johns in their hands is a sacrifice we can not make. For ICSD to truly be a district where students can grow and prosper we must make Dollar Slice Tuesday a District Holiday.

Freshman Vapes at College Level

By GEORGE BURNS

I

thaca High School freshman Mike Hawk is celebrating a rare academic achievement: vaping at a college level. Awarded by the College Board organization, this award is so rare that Mike Hawk, 14, is one of only forty-seven students nationally who has ever received this prize.

Analogous to College Board’s Advanced Placement (AP) scores and achievement awards, the Scholarly Smokers award is given to students who demonstrate a proficiency in vaping akin to that of college students—a very demanding task for prospective scholar-smokers. (The College Board even admits on its website that, “This course is exceedingly grueling, and will test both the student and their lungs to the extreme. We wouldn’t recommend it. It’s up there with AP Physics C and Statistics.”)

When Mr. Trumble received the news he was gobsmacked. “I was completely blown away,” he said, continuing, “Who knew our students vaped at a college level? Certainly not me. After the initial shock—our scores haven’t been so great recently, and this is a definite improvement!—I couldn’t be more proud. In fact, we’re working on re-designating H-Courtyard as a safe smoking space.” When asked when they’d make the shift, Mr. Trumble responded, “We’re working on it.”

According to College Board, vaping among students, and with it their scores, have gone up in recent years. “It’s a definite trend,” a representative from College Board told us. “Freshman are different beasts when it comes to vaping, though.” When Continued on page 12

10

APRIL FOOLS’

Honors Naptime: the Benefits of Electives Continued from page 9 Once you struggle with the “getting to sleep” process for long enough, solutions will start to present themselves to you through your own research and newly awakened self-awareness. You’ll realize that maybe (just maybe) scrolling through your phone for an hour (or more, don’t lie) isn’t the healthiest option. You’ll stop doing your homework propped up in bed, and perhaps you’ll even get more of it done. For those of us who are seniors, these

are huge life skills that, while we don’t think about them that much, are essential to learn before we go off on our own, whether that be college, a gap year, or a job. There are so many reasons that Honors Naptime ranks high in my list of favorite classes, and I strongly encourage you to discover them for yourself. You absolutely won’t regret it.

Exactly How to Fix the Biggest Problem With Schools

By BETSY DeVOS

T

welve months ago, I appeared here in The Tattler to explain the biggest problem with schools. After having taken the time to reflect on and ponder this topic, I return with a detailed plan of how the student-free school can finally be implemented.

First up, seniors: IHS’s oldest cohort must lead the way out the door. In this maneuver, it is every student for themselves.

Puny freshmen used the energy they once poured into sprinting between classes to fiercely argue for their place on campus, and senioritis-plagued students are the obvious first choice. Not only do they have the most stressful student life, but they cause the most strain on the school system because they require assistance from counselors in the college admissions process. Plus, they drive to school and therefore require parking spaces. Remember: our aim here is cost-efficiency.

Sophomores leave after the seniors. They are in their second year, and as such, are starting to panic. High school’s second stage is where the training wheels come off and the bicycle starts to fall apart as students crash into metaphorical lampposts and metaphorically parked cars with astonishing frequency. At this point, our dear students have absolutely no idea what they need to be worried about. Is it too early to think about college? Too late? How much do extracurriculars matter? Are they taking enough advanced courses? This amalgamation of doubts causes anxiety. The result of this anxiety? Strain on the education system. Best to get rid of the sophomore class and be done with it.

As helpful as they were before, the sub-five-foot freshmen are the next to go. Freshmen come in utterly excited about so much—oh, who am I kidding? My name is Betsy freaking DeVos. Student happiness and safety are my enemies. If we’re going to continue the bicycle analogy (trust me, I will) then freshmen are the ones getting a new bike for the first time. It has sixteen speeds, a sleek paint job, and they feel like a million bucks while riding it. And, frankly, they should, because every sophomore, junior, and senior was once a freshman and knows what that’s like. Freshmen are also the ones experiencing rising courseloads for the first time, and that sort of first-timer stress is a ticking time bomb when it comes to the elimination of stress within the American schooling system. They’re thrown out after the sopho-

mores.

If sophomore year is the time when the bicycle falls apart, then junior year is when you learn to ride a bicycle-turned-unicycle on five hours of sleep. Seniors are the most stressed, but juniors are definitely the most tired students in schools. They are also among the most independent, because they know what they’re doing (for the most part) and as such put less strain on the school system. They are the last to get the boot.

I estimate that the removal of the senior and sophomore class will have an immediate, positive impact on the mental health and wellbeing of the school population. The subsequent removal of freshmen and juniors will increase these benefits. In a scientific clinical study, the student-free schooling system demonstrated a 100 percent decrease in the following: stress levels, number of students crowding hallways, number of failed tests, number of emails sent, and, perhaps most importantly, the number of taxpayer dollars not spent on private school vouchers.

Once Trump is unanimously reelected in 2024, my Department of Education will implement this plan immediately and make America’s education systems great again.

Big Luve Shenanigans by Ur Welcome

APRIL FOOLS’ What we do know is that, as Dr. Brown’s voice drifted like fog over the sea of broken souls and the thunder of applause filled the room with its deafening roar—all thoughts of resistance fad-

9

ed into background static. After all, this new 24-hour schedule isn’t new at all, but rather one we’ve already been living.

Why Milk Should Go Before Cereal

By NOAH LOTT

T

he age-old question: which comes first, the milk or the cereal? Both sides of the discussion have valid arguments supporting their claim, but it is my staunch opinion that the milk should be poured before the cereal. I have met many forms of dissent in response to this opinion. The main claim that “cereal first” believers make is that pouring the milk first messes up the cereal-to-milk ratio. This argument is invalid for several reasons. Firstly, it doesn’t ruin the ratio. Many people claim that there’s “too much milk left over” (if such a thing even exists) if you pour the milk first. As any milk lover knows, the last splash of milk is the best part. The milk remaining in the bowl is the perfect excuse to pour yourself another bowl of cereal. Secondly, I never understood the ratio unit in my math class, and do not intend to understand it for the purpose of this article.

I, like many other people, am a bit picky when it comes to

the texture of my cereal. I can’t stand having soggy cereal. It is hard to imagine anyone on this earth who would actually like the taste of wet, soggy cereal in the morning. When you pour the milk first, your cereal will take longer to fully absorb the liquid, floating peacefully on the surface. This gives the consumer of the cereal more time to eat a dry and appetizing breakfast.

As to the claim that “dry foods must come before wets,” I highly disagree. Not only should the inverse of this rule be used for cereal, but also for other foods as well. For years, I have been adding the dry ingredients to the wet ones. For instance, adding pasta to a plate of tomato sauce secures a perfect sauce-to-spaghetti ratio. I highly recommend this method. Next time you eat a salad, try putting the dressing on your plate first. Try applying the bread to the peanut butter and jelly instead. I promise it will change your life.

Honors Naptime: The Benefits of Electives

By RIP VAN WINKLE

G

oing into scheduling last year, no one knew what this year’s schedule would look like. With teacher turnover across the board, the appeal of many electives was up in the air, but one class stood its ground as a forerunner in the competition for the most desirable courses: Honors Naptime.

Available only to upperclassmen, Honors Naptime is advertised as a course devoted to educating the individual on sleeping habits and the importance of routine. Listed as a Physical Education credit, this one-semester course is always one of the first to fill up when course selection and scheduling begins.

Despite the common misconception that Honors Naptime is a throwaway credit, the course is more rigorous than most expect.

The curriculum includes topics such as routine customization, the psychology of the sleep schedule, and the physical effects of healthy sleep habits. While class time is mainly devoted to the practice of sleeping, there is a plethora of supplemental assignments counting towards a student’s grade in the class. Students keep a dream journal for the duration of the course, checked weekly for completion. The last ten minutes of every class period are devoted to reflection on the napping process in class that day (points are gained and lost based on the commitment to falling asleep—percentage of class time with eyes closed is equivalent to your grade for the day). Other assignments include setting

and modifying pre-bedtime routines. While there is no official textbook for the course, readings include excerpts from studies on the sleep cycle, as well as medical papers on the importance of sleep maintenance. Despite the subversion of expectations that the actual class creates, students taking this class almost unanimously report lower stress levels and higher energy levels throughout a given day after having taken the course.

Being one of the lucky students to have squeezed their way into the class during the scheduling process, I feel obligated to share my experience with others who want to take it. Like most people, I was expecting to coast through this course easily. After all, how hard could naptime be? Answer: incredibly. I’m sure you’re thinking that I must be crazy to give this evaluation, so I’ll explain. You know that feeling when you’ve got to get up early tomorrow morning for something important, but it’s already late and you know you have to fall asleep RIGHT NOW to survive the next day? Yeah? Well, that’s the energy of the entire course.

When your objective is sleeping, somehow sleeping becomes the last thing your brain wants to do.

Although these may seem like unnecessary hurdles for an elective, I promise you that getting over them is worth your time.

Continued on page 10

8

APRIL FOOLS’

Never Stop Learning: IHS 24/7

By NOA SLEEP

T

aking a cue from gas stations, hospitals, and the McDonald’s drive-through, IHS will now be opening its doors to students 24-hours a day, seven days a week. In the wake of recent outcry regarding the new universal lunch proposal, this new and improved schedule—developed by the IHS administration team and sponsored by College Board—will be implemented for the 2022-23 school year.

“Students and parents often complain that coursework is too easy, that there’s not enough time in the day to take all of those APs,” one Dean of Students said in response to The Tattler’s inquiries. “What we gradually realized was that an eight-period schedule just doesn’t cut it.”

With college acceptance rates plummeting and the future of test-optional applications wavering uncertainly on the horizon, today’s students need, now more than ever, a way to stand out from the crowd. Nine extracurriculars and perfect SAT scores can only go so far—what will be the next foothold to gain a competitive advantage and ensure a promising future in higher education and beyond? To the IHS administration team, the answer was simple: just add nineteen more class periods to create a 24-hour, 27-period school day.

Despite initial concerns regarding the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual strain that might be caused by constantly studying, the administration noted that students are hardly able to eke out a life outside of school to begin with, so why bother trying? After all, according to data gathered from Canvas log-ins during quarantine, 91.2 percent of IHS students are at least partially nocturnal already. Of course, to comply with NYS guidelines, students will be allotted a generous 34-minute break from 1:45 a.m. to 2:19 a.m., allowing them to get the much-deserved rest and relaxation necessary to push on for the next 24 hours— fortified by complimentary energy drinks graciously provided by the cafeteria staff.

Upon hearing the district’s proposal, The Tattler—as the voice of the student body—quickly took action and sent a representative to interview students, intending to expose the detrimental impacts that this new schedule proposal would have on the student body. On the contrary, we were horrified to discover that students’ reactions were, as per usual, jaded acceptance. “I don’t see my family anymore as it is, other than the twenty minutes I spend eating breakfast and dinner,” one student sighed, staring vacantly into space with hollow eyes. “What’s the point in coming home from school at the end of the day when I could just stay here and get more work done?” “Sleep?” one sophomore just shrugged noncommittally when asked how the administration’s proposal might impact their schedule. “Sleep doesn’t do my math homework.”

In a final attempt to find someone—anyone—to oppose the administration’s new policy, The Tattler asked one senior, half-buried underneath a pile of homework and other debris, about their experiences with the “work-life-balance.” Unfortunately, the student appeared to be passed out from exhaustion and was therefore unable to supply any coherent response.

Now left with more questions than answers, The Tattler has begun to consider the possibility that IHS students may have legitimately forgotten how to enjoy their lives. But is this grave re-

ality our own doing, a natural fault of our competitive society, or a product of a deeper root cause, buried beneath the surface? To find out, The Tattler interviewed IHS Principal Jason Trumble about the administration’s rationale behind the new schedule.

“The 27-class-period schedule was created to optimize productive time in the learning environment,” Trumble explained. “We live in a competitive global economy, and American test scores have been lagging behind for decades. It’s time that IHS students learn the lessons of hard work and accountability before they are trampled in the weeds like the rest of us.”

While skillfully dodging our questions regarding the new schedule’s potential impact on students’ health, Trumble went on to explain various other academic benefits. For example, during its nighttime hours, IHS will also be offering an immense variety of extracurricular AP-level course options, providing students with the opportunity to pursue their wide range of interests, from AP Astronomy to AP Bowling. AP Nighttime Wilderness Survival, another new elective, will broaden the skill sets that students have already developed from AP Daytime Wilderness Survival, currently held in the G hallway between lunch periods.

“With this new 24-hour schedule,” said College Board CEO David Coleman, “students can accumulate more college credits than ever before, graduating high school and college simultaneously while saving hundreds of thousands of dollars on college tuition—much of which will then be channeled into my own personal paycheck.”

“Next year, I’m planning to take every AP science course offered in the course catalog—Physics, Chem, APES, Bio, and even some electives too with the remaining 19 periods,” freshman Bella Zu told The Tattler when asked about her opinions regarding this new schedule shift. Zu, in between fitful bursts of manic laughter, went on to explain her intentions to take every course offered at IHS during her four years of high school. She will graduate with a quadruple degree in Physics, German, Food Science, and Classical Literature alongside the traditional high school diploma.

But success stories like Zu’s aren’t the only reason for the schedule shift. Administrators, concerned about the lack of IHS community, explained how the new schedule will strengthen student and staff bonds while also improving IHS spirit. At a recent informational gathering of parents, teachers, and students regarding the new schedule, Superintendent Brown concluded his presentation with a heartwarming remark: “What better way to cultivate a Culture of Love than to spend all 24 hours of our day together?” he said to much head-bobbing from parents and students alike. Brown, a powerful speaker, brought many members of his audience to tears with his words as they imagined IHS transforming into an intellectual sanctuary in this bitter, broken world— transcending into an even stronger community of 6000+ learners, thinkers, and dreamers.

Even now, The Tattler remains uncertain what could have caused Brown’s audience to experience such a profound sensation of pure, undistilled joy—even as their lives were being so thoroughly stolen from them. But whether this phenomenon was caused by the brainwashing effect of Dr. Brown’s oration or our collective lack-of-sleep-induced delirium may never be known.

APRIL FOOLS’

suggested that the money allotted to the origami museum construction should instead go to “helping poor guys like me get some better couches.” While the building project still retains general unpopularity, the City of Ithaca has approved it for construction and the museum should be erected and opened to the public by March of 2332.

The public outcry has been astonishing, and many citizens are lobbying the city government to decommission the project.

Detractors claim that the erection of such a massive structure will eventually require the destruction of two homes and a sloth riding track, but Mr. Ache states that “such claims are more ludicrous than suggestions of a spherical earth!” The track in question is owned by 83 year-old Ithaca native Bella Slow who has told the press on numerous occasions that the construction crew is going to force her to relocate. Ms. Slow told reporters in tears, “My poor sloths! What will they do?”

7

To cap it all off, the project has been openly endorsed by the Ithaca City School District’s own superintendent, Dr. Luvelle Brown, an amateur origami artist himself. In Dr. Brown’s words, the building will be “a massive monument to the greatest achievement of mankind.” In fact, he recently altered the District budgetary plan this past week in order to make a donation of $144,943,885 (the District’s entire budget with the exception of his own salary) to the process of construction. IHS’s principal, Jason Trumble has refused to comment on the matter, although he has made it clear that the school will be able to deal with the new budgetary constraints and that students must “learn to accept and actualize this new situation.” The long term effects of the origami museum are yet to be seen, but nonetheless, the controversy has guaranteed that there will be a long line on opening day.

@ihs.caughtlacking To Become School-Sponsored Account

By J.T. RUMBLE

I

HS WELCOME CENTER CONFERENCE ROOM 2—In a shocking turn of events, IHS principal Jason Trumble has announced to a rapturous committee of administrators the acquisition of popular Instagram account @ihs.caughtlacking as an official school-sponsored account.

In addition, Principal Trumble stated that the school would begin to offer a reward of 10 Luvecoin to students who provide candid photos of their peers sleeping in class to the administration. Explaining his actions, Principal Trumble said, “Mr. Trumble believes that it is crucial for students to stay alert and engaged in their classes, so we are doing what we can to ensure that our IHS team can stay strong and active in their learning.”

Created by an anonymous IHS student in November 2021, @ihs.caughtlacking quickly gained hundreds of followers eager to laugh at their friends caught snoozing in school. Some students have even staged photos in order to make it onto the page and amuse their friends. However, in addition to providing entertainment to stressed-out students procrastinating their homework by mindlessly scrolling

through Instagram, the account has also become a powerful deterrent to high schoolers looking to catch some Z’s during the school day.

When responding to an anonymous survey asking for comments on the situation, a senior said, “@ihs.caughtlacking already makes it near-impossible to sleep in class because I’m terrified of my friends whipping out their phones the moment my head hits the desk, but now that there’s a reward for it I’m scared it’ll be strangers too! And what if colleges find out about it?!” Other students have likewise expressed their concerns about Principal Trumble’s actions: “This is a gross violation of minors’ and students’ fundamental right to privacy. How should I expect to feel safe in a school where there’s a bounty placed on my head? Soon it’ll be ‘caught yawning’ and then ‘caught existing!’” said a sophomore. On the other hand, some are excited about the account being given official status. A junior exclaimed, “My friends and I are already planning how we’re gonna catch the entire school lacking! I’m gonna make so much Luvecoin I can stop selling weed!”

As the legality of such a move by the administration is unclear, the IHS community is waiting on comment from the central ICSD administration on the matter. Yet, it is expected that Superintendent Brown will support the adoption of @ihs.caughtlacking as a school-sponsored initiative as part of his “Culture of Luve,” and perhaps even encourage its expansion into the middle and elementary schools.

It would not be a surprise if we see an @icsd.kindergarteners.napping page in the near future.

At the tail end of the administrator’s meeting where the announcement took place, an eavesdropping student asked the room if the administration will start running the account in place of the student who was widely believed to have created it. Principal Trumble’s response was a curt “No,” yet before Mr. Trumble could have the student removed from the room, Assistant Principal Hardesty stood up with a wide grin on her face, proclaiming ever-so-proudly: “Don’t worry, it’s been me all along.”

6

APRIL FOOLS’

Waterslide Into Cayuga Lake: Ithaca’s Next Construction Project Continued from page 5 make the slide only one inch wide but I had this dream where a donkey and a flying squid were playing with some silly putty and I was supposed to babysit them, and we were all going to go down the waterslide but there was no waterslide because it was so thin that it was hidden by the clouds and people couldn’t find it! And then the squid told me to make it wider so I did and I’m sorry! I didn’t think this would happen, please forgive me…”

Early was eventually carried away by security, but her words cannot be taken back, and they still haunt the ears of all who were there (disregarding the few slowly dying from incurable brain trauma).

After this spectacle with Ithacan reporters, Wayne Kerr and Brighton Early have decided that they will not disclose any more information regarding the construction of the waterslide.

Fortunately, I was able to uncover more details with the help of one of my dear friends, Lucy Fer, a prodigious hacker. Lucy was able to break into Dr. Kerr’s unlocked Kindle E-reader and find notes about his plans for the rest of construction in a secret, well-hidden folder found directly on the homescreen and labeled

Project Origami

“Waterslide notes: KEEP OUT IF YOU’RE NOT ME.” The notes read, “Thickness: 2.47 cm. Color: rainbow, because we need to represent the GAYS, including me, but it’s fine, my wife will never know. Questions: I’m not sure how we are going to support the water slide for 2.5 miles. Maybe I can ask Vrekrad if they’ll help me make the slide float? I’ll figure it out later.”

Clearly, there are no problems with the waterslide: it will be thick and strong enough to carry multiple people at a time; it will be supported by alien magic to keep it floating in the air; and best of all, it will be a symbol of LGTBQ+ pride! There is absolutely nothing to be concerned about and everything to be excited about, so keep your eyes open, Ithaca, and get ready for the best waterslide ride of your life. Construction is projected to be completed by June 31, about a week or two after all IHS students are expected to fail their Regents Exams. Taking a slide down an ultra-safe, longer-than-two mile waterslide made of LEGOs seems like the perfect way to celebrate conquering those standardized tests, right? It definitely is. See you there, IHS, and don’t forget to bring some Luvecoin for snacks and water!

By PAPER SWAN

Mockup of Project Origami, courtesy of Ruby Zawel

T

he most recent and arguably most ambitious building project in Ithaca is underway, and construction downtown will likely continue for the foreseeable future. Designs for the large new building claim to soon provide the largest collection of origami ever displayed. The towering museum will be made from 100,000 layers of cardstock bound together by

rubber bands. Questions as to the stability of the structure have been raised, but chief architect/origamist Paperm Ache assured concerned reporters that “no building has ever been designed more flawlessly than my most recent project.” However, further research into Mr. Ache reveals some troubling information. His last 18 building designs have been created using unusual materials (such as flies, ice, and pizza) and 12 have fallen apart within weeks of construction. Many readers will remember his design for the legendary Pizza Tower of Paris. The half-mile-tall pizza skyscraper attracted so many flies that the building had to be closed down and destroyed by a wrecking ball.

Another cause for concern is the sheer size of the project—it spans a whole block and will rise 150 feet into the sky. While the massive dome at its center would be impressive, most engineers agree that the paper will be too flimsy to hold such a shape and collapse is inevitable. This is denied by Mr. Ache who claims that “Gravity is obviously a hoax, so there’s no way my dome could collapse. Get angry with Newton, not me!” Additionally, the working conditions have resulted in many safety hazards for paper folder workers. The seemingly innocent material of paper has given more than one worker so many cuts that they have required medical attention.

Despite its purported design flaws and lack of worker safety, a vocal minority of Ithacans are ecstatic over the project’s construction. Avid origami artist Mendoza Scythe recently told the press, “I’m glad we’re finally getting some recognition! Origami is the highest of all art forms and the truest expression of human nature.” Many non-origami enthusiasts have found these comments incendiary, and battle lines have been drawn. In particular, sparks flew when professional couch potato Dan Chips

APRIL FOOLS’

including Brunch Planning, Brunch Monitors, and Brunch Food Service. During each universal brunch, former guidance counselors will serve as Brunch Monitors who will make sure students are behaving as well as offer over-brunch mental health support.

“Support over brunch will definitely be effective because, well, who doesn’t like to talk about their issues over some waffles?” said an ecstatic (soon-to-be former) counselor.

IHS’s student body has responded with overwhelming support for the new schedule. “I mean, I thought that this day would never come,” said one overwhelmed student who was crying tears of happiness. “I’ve been at IHS for three years and this brunch thing is something I never knew I wanted.” One group of passionate sophomores has also formed a Brunch Committee where

5

students can discuss brunch issues. In a recent survey done by this committee, 62 percent of students responded that they were most excited for the Eggs Benedict, 19 percent said they were looking forward to “IHS Strong” coffee mugs, and 13 percent said that they were excited for the IHS maple syrup production farm project, led by the technology teachers in the BTCI, or the Brunch and Technology Collective Initiative.

Dr. Brown is especially excited for teachers to become involved in the implementation of the new schedule and brunch because, as he said, “We really will be bringing a wide variety of talents to the Brunch Department. My hope is that with this new and improved schedule, each brunch will truly reflect the Culture of Luve—I mean Love.”

Waterslide Into Cayuga Lake: Ithaca’s Next Construction Project

By VIOLA SOLO

I

thaca is quite possibly the only place on planet Earth where construction takes place 40 hours a day, 13 days a week, and in all 72.83 dimensions. It certainly seems that way to many Ithacans, who complain endlessly about the silence and clean air that construction brings to their neighborhoods. This spring, Ithaca’s construction will barrel forwards with full force as Ithaca commences the building of its new project. Starting today, the “Overall Squad”―dedicated workers who are all distantly related to Gru’s minions and thus only wear denim overalls―will be assembling perhaps the most difficult structure of all time: America’s very first water slide made completely out of LEGOs. Directing this project is Wayne Kerr, a professor at Cornell with a PhD in Ufology (the study of UFOs). Although aliens and UFOs may be the subject of Dr. Kerr’s profession, his true passion is LEGO construction, and he is elated that he is finally able to prove to his skeptics that LEGOs are legit. In fact, hidden microphones in a bathroom near Dr. Kerr’s office recorded secret mutterings last Thursday afternoon while the professor was taking a whizz, picking up the words, “I’ll show you, Kerry Oki! I’ll get back at you for making me love you for seventeen years and then dumping me because I proposed with a ring made out of LEGOs! Yeah, I’ll show you…”

According to Dr. Kerr, the waterslide will stretch two and a half miles from Cornell to somewhere else (hopefully the middle of Cayuga Lake), where the unceremonious dumping of riders will take place. The top of the waterslide will be located upon the roof of the Johnson Museum of Art. Originally, the use of the museum as the beginning of the waterslide was not permitted by Cornell, but Dr. Kerr was able to contact one of his alien friends, Vrekrad, to threaten Cornell with an alien invasion. About 46.222223 days ago, Cornell President Martha Pollack woke up to a frightening statement on her computer, courtesy of Vrekrad: “Hibuiiiing ilOiloilogHh yUo WreoiPooo AEKAN reopju yaa A!” Wary of the alien’s threats, Cornell’s President immediately ap-

proved Dr. Kerr’s construction requests. (So whenever you take a trip down the LEGO waterslide, think of Vrekrad, the true reason this project was possible in the first place.)

Currently, the exact location that Ithacans who choose to take a trip down the waterslide will end up is unknown, but Dr. Kerr is certain that the length of the waterslide will be just under two and a half miles, explaining, “The only certainty in this project, besides the design, is the length of the slide. LEGOs are expensive, and my team has a finite amount of the blocks. I could only steal so many from my niece’s LEGO bin, after all. So the length will only be as far as the stolen LEGOs allow.” All we know so far is that waterslide-goers will find themselves somewhere by the end of the ride. Whether that be in our dimension is still unclear―even Dr. Kerr isn’t sure that riders won’t end up in the Upside Down, Narnia, or Middle Earth; only time will tell.

After learning that the length of the waterslide was set in stone, Ithacan reporters immediately accosted the project’s lead engineer, Brighton Early, on the project’s second certainty―the design of the waterslide. Many found fault with the apparent safety of the project, complaining that people wouldn’t be able to fall off the slide by accident. Much of this criticism was aimed at the width of the slide, which is expected to be two feet―making it about ten times larger and safer than the majority of Ithacans want. At the unveiling of the project’s design, malicious thoughts from reporters regarding the width of the waterslide were so strong that the vibrations caused by these ponderings inflicted actual damage on the reporters’ brains, and 11 were sent to the hospital (as of today, six have died and the rest remain in critical condition).

After sobbing uncontrollably for 98 minutes (poor Brighton thought she caused the reporter’s brain damage), the engineer responded, while weeping, “I’m sorry, okay? I really wanted to Continued on page 6

4

APRIL FOOLS’

Luvecoin Takes ICSD By Storm Continued from page 3 student body. Dove Williams, ‘24, IHS’s most prominent proponent of laissez-faire economics, has begun price-gouging Big Luve figurines. They proudly claim to be single-handedly responsible for the shortage of the six-inch models, which are being sold on the black market at a 200 percent markup. When asked about the motives behind their capitalistic exploitation of Luvecoin, Dove responded, “I’ve decided to resell the Big Luve six-inch figurine at a markup simply because I think that the IHS student body needs to learn a real-life lesson in economics. This is a wonderful opportunity for the students to remember their place in the economy, and I commend the district for allowing it to happen.”

With the value of Luvecoin skyrocketing over exponential demand, the student body has shown itself as a cutthroat and brutal community. Compassion and friendship have been entirely replaced by an insatiable greed for the currency that is now equivalent to life or death at IHS. A stroll down G-hallway just a week after the introduction of Luvecoin found one student sobbing as they told their once best-friend, “How could you sell me out for sleeping in class? You know I only get two hours of sleep each night!” The student clearly responsible for this egregious betrayal only stood there with a broad grin across their face, clutching a newly purchased “Culture of Love” T-shirt. The irony of the situation was evidently lost on both of them.

This obsession over Luvecoin, however, is not just limited to students. Teachers, once regarded as incorruptible bastions of maturity within IHS, are now revealing themselves to be anything but. I spoke to a teacher at IHS on the condition of

anonymity who has shamelessly been selling students A’s on their tests in exchange for 5000 Luvecoin, or the equivalent in LuveStore products. When asked about this, the teacher said, “I know it’s not right, per se, but when I saw that Big Luve two-inch blue-colored fidget spinner on the LuveStore, I just knew I had to have it or get fired trying.”

The district’s response to the abrupt chaos at IHS after the introduction of Luvecoin has been surprisingly muted. Despite the formation of a Luvecoin anti-fraud team after a group of students and teachers were found running a high-stakes gambling ring with several million Luvecoin in assets, the district appears to be far outmatched by the fiscal ingeniousness of IHS students and staff. The IHS administration was forced to take the nuclear option of temporarily freezing the Luvecoin holdings of all students after an incident where a student allegedly bought all four core values for 1,000,000 Luvecoin, and replaced them with “boredom,” “dishonesty,” “Luvecoin,” and “greed.” However, the Luvecoin anti-fraud team was left floundering after they discovered that it was not a student who bought the core values, but a disgruntled teacher.

It is clear that the introduction of Luvecoin has had its positive and negative impacts on ICSD, but it is even clearer that Luvecoin has helped build a stronger IHS community. Though introducing a currency to IHS has formed a microcosm of the national economy—students have begun holding daily protests in the quad against rising prices in the LuveStore—it has also shown to be a great tool in teaching students a valuable lesson about money. That is: money is best spent in the LuveStore.

IHS to Switch to One-Period Day with 30-Minute Universal Brunch By @IHS_BRUNCH

D

ue to widespread student support for the proposed seven-period schedule, the IHS administration has recently announced that IHS will be implementing a one-period schedule for the 2022-23 school year. In addition to the one 45-minute period, IHS will also add a 30-minute universal brunch into the new schedule, during which the cafeteria will serve breakfast and lunch items such as Eggs Benedict and waffles. The new change occurs amidst widespread student support for the proposed seven-period schedule, according to Mr. Trumble, who said, “I’ve just had so many students come up to me about how much they like the idea of a seven-period schedule.

So we thought, ‘Why not take it one or six steps further?’ And we doubled down to really focus on what would be in the best academic interests of our students.”

Although the school day will be slightly shortened, Mr. Trumble says that classes will be just as, if not more, productive. Due to New York State graduation requirements, IHS will be condensing all required courses into the 45-minute period. Curricula for required courses will be reduced so that all of them can be

taught within 20 minutes, leaving another 25 minutes in each period to devote to class bonding activities, such as passive-aggressive debate training and competitive complimenting.

This also means that the school will stop offering all elective classes. “The existence of electives encourages students to take different classes from their peers, which leads to inequality and divisions within our student body,” said Dr. Brown when asked about this aspect of the one-period schedule. “The new schedule will promote equality in ICSD and grow our Culture of Luve.”

In addition to offering more food options and increasing school unity, the new schedule has also paved the way for the installment of a school store. IHS-themed clothing items will be on sale for a short time after the store opens and students can purchase them using the new e-currency Luvecoin (see “Luvecoin Takes ICSD By Storm” on page 3).

Because elective classes will be removed from IHS’s course offerings, teachers of current electives, as well as guidance counselors, will be transferred into the new Brunch Department.

The Brunch Department consists of several sub-departments,

APRIL FOOLS’ “Students, I hear and see you, and I understand your pain. I too want to create a Culture of Luve in which all the bathrooms are unlocked and no one is depressed. Unfortunately, though, the entire administrative staff will be going on a month-long vacation to the Galápagos Islands, so we can’t help you with your bathroom problem. Solve it yourself.”

Fortunately, the members of the Shattler Editorial Board are not only experts at “solving it ourselves,” but also at writing, and so here we are, writing this editorial to present our perfect solutions to the IHS community. Firstly, in order to solve the issue of smoking in the bathroom, it is imperative that a designated smoking-only space be created at IHS. After all, smoking is clearly not the problem, and can actually be helpful for shortterm stress relief and pleasure. The issue is that students are smoking in the bathroom, a place where the only activity taking place should be the making of yellow and brown (and maybe the washing of hands in extreme cases). In order to eliminate the contamination of precious bathroom air, H-Courtyard should be reinstated as the official smoking lounge at the school, as it once was in the 1970s. After all, seniors, who are graduating soon anyway, do not need a special space for themselves and can simply walk off campus if they need to get away from irritating underclassmen. Providing H-Courtyard as a smoking space will also improve school spirit as students will be able to connect and socialize through their shared smoke clouds, furthering school unity and boosting morale.

Unfortunately, fixing the problem of food waste being thrown in toilets and urinals is not quite as easy as designating a foodwaste-dumping-spot. Those already exist, contrary to what some people may think. They are called “compost bins” and are places where people are supposed to discard uneaten food. Because educating the entire school community on the proper recycling process last month seems to have been futile, the Shattler Editorial Board sees no point in trying to teach students how to compost.

Instead, to solve the problem of food in the toilets, volunteers

3

from Code Red Robotics are making concerted efforts to build a Wall-E-type robot that can collect trash from bathrooms and deposit it in the landfill right between the bowling alley and rave in Upstairs K. Creating a designated smoking space and utilizing the possibility of a new-and-improved Wall-E from our very own Code Red Cool Kids is not enough to stop the vandalization of our majestic bathrooms. In addition to these measures, we must weed out the insurgents at our school―those who purposefully desecrate our bathrooms for their own amusement. The Shattler Editorial Board proposes that the administration reward students who snitch on bathroom smokers and food-dumpers with a grand prize of three Luvecoin per reported student. Luvecoin is a fast-growing e-currency taking the school by storm, and using it as a reward will provide monetary incentive for students at IHS to betray even their closest friends in the struggle to protect our glorious bathrooms. (If you want to learn more about Luvecoin, read “Luvecoin Takes ICSD By Storm” on pages 3-4).

In order for all IHS students to relieve themselves in peace, we must create a designated smoking space in H-Courtyard and use the innovation of our own student body to dispose of waste properly, bringing forth a Golden Age of bathroom prosperity.

Repurposing H-Courtyard into a smoking lounge will, as the environmentalists say, brutally murder two winged creatures with one small but deadly boulder, as it will result in the elimination of bathroom smoke and the creation of a Culture of Luve.

However, these solutions can only work with the participation of the entire student body. If ill-intending students fail to cooperate, the rest of IHS must band together to stop them, even if it requires students to demonstrate their activism by posting about the fight for pristine and tranquil bathrooms on their Instagram stories. Finally, we strongly encourage teachers and administrators (after they return from their Galápagos vacation) to support us in our endeavors to shower our bathrooms with the tender Luve and care they deserve.

Luvecoin Takes ICSD By Storm

By RESENTFUL BITCOIN FOUNDER

I

thaca City School District is known for its complex and often unorthodox solutions to simple problems, and the criticism that ICSD has received recently for underpaying teachers is no exception. To address the rising concerns of insufficient teacher pay, at a recent meeting of the Board of Education, ICSD Superintendent Luvelle C. Brown announced the creation of a new e-currency—Luvecoin™ (Trademark of Ithaca City Schools & Culture of Luve, Inc.), named after Dr. Brown’s popular nickname among students and faculty. Teachers’ standard salaries will be supplemented by 1000 Luvecoin per month (approximately $10), to make up for a nearly 30,000 dollar gap between the state average salary and district average salary. Students will also be able to use the currency but won’t have any fixed Luvecoin income—they can earn it through various district-sanctioned means.

At the moment, it is unclear where teachers will be able utilize their Luvecoin, although ICSD has created the “LuveStore”—an online store where students and teachers can pay anywhere from 500 Luvecoin for a “Culture of Love” or “Engage, Educate, and Empower” T-shirt to a whopping 12,000 Luvecoin for a mini-figurine of Big Luve himself. Visiting the store currently shows

that the “Big Luve six-inch Figurine” is sold out, although the four-inch and five-inch models are still in stock. Though some teachers have begun to complain about a so-called “lack of real-world value” for Luvecoin, Dr. Brown, speaking from the LuveJet on his way to the Galápagos, responded, “These concerns that Luvecoin has no real-world application are ludicrous. The introduction of the LuveStore and its associated products has been proven to create a stronger community within ICSD.” Mr. Trumble, who was also present at the time, simply said, “With Luvecoin, we can actualize our dream of being ‘IHS Strong.’”

Student reactions to Luvecoin have been largely positive.

Kadek Nawiana, ’22, who has amassed nearly 10,000 Luvecoin from reporting sleeping students to the administration, said in an interview, “The design of the Luvecoin is so beautiful, it could be in the Louvre.” At the time of speaking, he was attired in an “IHS Strong” T-shirt and a backpack embroidered with Dr. Brown’s face (5000 Luvecoin in the LuveStore). A nascent black market for Luvecoin has also begun to flourish among the Continued on page 4

2

APRIL FOOLS’

IHS Bathrooms Need Some Tender Luvin’ Care

By THE SHATTLER BOARD

Y

ou have been waiting in class forever, crossing and uncrossing your legs as you beg your bladder to hold on for a minute longer. Your teacher is almost done explaining the meaning of the universe, but you cannot wait anymore. You spring up from your seat and dash out the door, forgoing a hall pass and a goodbye to your teacher. “And that is why we live in a simulation,” you faintly hear them say, but you are already in the hallway. You sprint past classrooms, the teachers inside seeing only a blur and feeling the wind whisk through their hair (or for some, over their bare scalps).

You finally make it to the upstairs H-Building bathroom and yank on the door handle. You try again―no luck. You sprint down the hallway and into G-building, where you take a sharp right.

Alas, the G-bathroom is locked as well. You continue this chase until you have tugged on all the bathroom handles in the school, from upstairs K to the most remote bathroom in Q-building. Ms. Maddren finds you in Q, banging on the bathroom door in a fit of hysteria. Without saying anything, she hurries over and unlocks the door.

You proceed to relieve yourself for a record time of 13 minutes, 36 seconds, and 58.92234 milliseconds, recording the duration using your favorite yellowish-brown stopwatch. You flush, wash your hands, exit the bathroom, and head straight toward the Welcome Center, ready to confront the administration for their insanity in thinking they could leave all the bathrooms in the school locked.

The common experience of encountering locked bathrooms when the need to pee is at its peak is by far the worst problem at IHS, impacting hundreds of students across all grades. In fact, according to a poll conducted by the Instagram account @stressed.at.ihs, 458 students claim that they suffer due to locked bathrooms on a daily basis, either because they are unable to find any open bathrooms or because the few bathrooms that are open are crowded and have long lines. The negative effects of IHS’s bathroom problem are endless, but one of the most concerning is the dangerously high amount of physical activity students are getting as a result.

In order to find bathrooms without missing entire class periods, students must sprint through

the hallways at exactly 18.274 miles per hour, and the ramifications of these intense bursts of activity are quickly catching up to them. A study conducted by www.exerciseisdeath.gov indicates that running faster than 17.833 miles per hour puts one at risk of lack of blood flow to the left pinkie toe, with the ultimate consequence of death.

Concerned that students were risking their lives sprinting through the halls of our high school, administrators at IHS rationed water last month to a daily four ounces per person in an attempt to prevent the filling of bladders and thus eliminate any running to bathrooms. Unfortunately these efforts failed, and now the administration is taking a new approach: implementing mandated bladder training and impulse control as a unit in gym classes. This course, designed to “keep our bladders IHS-Strong,” has had similarly poor results. Not only has IHS seen a drastic spike in the number of students peeing themselves in class due to failed bladder control, but several cases of UTIs and other infections have been reported as well. The failure of the administration to find a solution for the bathroom problem at IHS reveals that this issue cannot be fixed by remediating actions. Rather, it must be addressed by targeting the source of the problem and finding a way to unlock the bathrooms.

Before the bathrooms can be reopened, though, we must consider why they were locked in the first place. The answer is simple: administrators want to punish students for their misuse of bathrooms. Bathrooms are sacred places, where one goes to excrete urine and feces in a state of peace and self-reflection and to make TikToks before an administrator tells them to get to class. Lately, however, students have been using bathrooms to smoke and dispose of food waste, destroying the serene atmosphere. Who wants to pee in a room smelling like skunk and blue raspberry or take a dump in a toilet filled to the brim with cafeteria trays, pizza, and juice boxes? The answer is, obviously, no one. Therefore, the administration is completely justified in their decision to keep the bathrooms locked until students change their actions. When asked about future plans for the bathroom problem, our beloved Superintendent Dr. Brown replied,

Editor-in-Chief

Man of Culture ’22 editor@ihstattler.com

News Editor Probiotic Culture ’24 news@ihstattler.com Opinion Editor Cultural Marxism ’22 opinion@ihstattler.com Features Editor Cultured Yogurt ’24 features@ihstattler.com Arts Editor Nomenculture ’22 arts@ihstattler.com Sports Editor Counter Culture ’22 sports@ihstattler.com Literary Editor Culture Shock ’22 literary@ihstattler.com Back Page Editor Horticulture ’22 backpage@ihstattler.com Center Spread Editor Cultural Phenomenon ’23 centerspread@ihstattler.com Copy Editor Cultural Appropriation ’22 copy@ihstattler.com Photography Editor High Culture ’23 photo@ihstattler.com Graphics Editor Culturestein ’24 graphics@ihstattler.com Layout Editor Cancel Culture ’22 layout@ihstattler.com Business and Advertising Microbiological Culture ’22 business@ihstattler.com Webmaster Cultural Revoluvetionary ’24 web@ihstattler.com Distribution Managers Culture Club and Culture Vulture ’23 distribution@ihstattler.com Archivist Culture of Hate ’23 archive@ihstattler.com Social Media Pop Culture ’22 sm@ihstattler.com Faculty Advisor Atomic Culture advisor@ihstattler.com

IHS TATTLER APRIL FOOLS’ 2022 | VOL. 129 | NO. 8