April Fools' 2022 by The Tattler

IHS TATTLER APRIL FOOLS’ 2022 | VOL. 129 | NO. 8

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IHS Bathrooms Need Some Tender Luvin’ Care By THE SHATTLER BOARD

ou have been waiting in class forever, crossing and uncrossing your legs as you beg your bladder to hold on for a minute longer. Your teacher is almost done explaining the meaning of the universe, but you cannot wait anymore. You spring up from your seat and dash out the door, forgoing a hall pass and a goodbye to your teacher. “And that is why we live in a simulation,” you faintly hear them say, but you are already in the hallway. You sprint past classrooms, the teachers inside seeing only a blur and feeling the wind whisk through their hair (or for some, over their bare scalps). You finally make it to the upstairs H-Building bathroom and yank on the door handle. You try again―no luck. You sprint down the hallway and into G-building, where you take a sharp right. Alas, the G-bathroom is locked as well. You continue this chase until you have tugged on all the bathroom handles in the school, from upstairs K to the most remote bathroom in Q-building. Ms. Maddren finds you in Q, banging on the bathroom door in a fit of hysteria. Without saying anything, she hurries over and unlocks the door. You proceed to relieve yourself for a record time of 13 minutes, 36 seconds, and 58.92234 milliseconds, recording the duration using your favorite yellowish-brown stopwatch. You flush, wash your hands, exit the bathroom, and head straight toward the Welcome Center, ready to confront the administration for their insanity in thinking they could leave all the bathrooms in the school locked. The common experience of encountering locked bathrooms when the need to pee is at its peak is by far the worst problem at IHS, impacting hundreds of students across all grades. In fact, according to a poll conducted by the Instagram account @stressed.at.ihs, 458 students claim that they suffer due to locked bathrooms on a daily basis, either because they are unable to find any open bathrooms or because the few bathrooms that are open are crowded and have long lines. The negative effects of IHS’s bathroom problem are endless, but one of the most concerning is the dangerously high amount of physical activity students are getting as a result. In order to find bathrooms without missing entire class periods, students must sprint through

the hallways at exactly 18.274 miles per hour, and the ramifications of these intense bursts of activity are quickly catching up to them. A study conducted by www.exerciseisdeath.gov indicates that running faster than 17.833 miles per hour puts one at risk of lack of blood flow to the left pinkie toe, with the ultimate consequence of death. Concerned that students were risking their lives sprinting through the halls of our high school, administrators at IHS rationed water last month to a daily four ounces per person in an attempt to prevent the filling of bladders and thus eliminate any running to bathrooms. Unfortunately these efforts failed, and now the administration is taking a new approach: implementing mandated bladder training and impulse control as a unit in gym classes. This course, designed to “keep our bladders IHS-Strong,” has had similarly poor results. Not only has IHS seen a drastic spike in the number of students peeing themselves in class due to failed bladder control, but several cases of UTIs and other infections have been reported as well. The failure of the administration to find a solution for the bathroom problem at IHS reveals that this issue cannot be fixed by remediating actions. Rather, it must be addressed by targeting the source of the problem and finding a way to unlock the bathrooms. Before the bathrooms can be reopened, though, we must consider why they were locked in the first place. The answer is simple: administrators want to punish students for their misuse of bathrooms. Bathrooms are sacred places, where one goes to excrete urine and feces in a state of peace and self-reflection and to make TikToks before an administrator tells them to get to class. Lately, however, students have been using bathrooms to smoke and dispose of food waste, destroying the serene atmosphere. Who wants to pee in a room smelling like skunk and blue raspberry or take a dump in a toilet filled to the brim with cafeteria trays, pizza, and juice boxes? The answer is, obviously, no one. Therefore, the administration is completely justified in their decision to keep the bathrooms locked until students change their actions. When asked about future plans for the bathroom problem, our beloved Superintendent Dr. Brown replied,

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APRIL FOOLS’ “Students, I hear and see you, and I understand your pain. I too want to create a Culture of Luve in which all the bathrooms are unlocked and no one is depressed. Unfortunately, though, the entire administrative staff will be going on a month-long vacation to the Galápagos Islands, so we can’t help you with your bathroom problem. Solve it yourself.” Fortunately, the members of the Shattler Editorial Board are not only experts at “solving it ourselves,” but also at writing, and so here we are, writing this editorial to present our perfect solutions to the IHS community. Firstly, in order to solve the issue of smoking in the bathroom, it is imperative that a designated smoking-only space be created at IHS. After all, smoking is clearly not the problem, and can actually be helpful for shortterm stress relief and pleasure. The issue is that students are smoking in the bathroom, a place where the only activity taking place should be the making of yellow and brown (and maybe the washing of hands in extreme cases). In order to eliminate the contamination of precious bathroom air, H-Courtyard should be reinstated as the official smoking lounge at the school, as it once was in the 1970s. After all, seniors, who are graduating soon anyway, do not need a special space for themselves and can simply walk off campus if they need to get away from irritating underclassmen. Providing H-Courtyard as a smoking space will also improve school spirit as students will be able to connect and socialize through their shared smoke clouds, furthering school unity and boosting morale. Unfortunately, fixing the problem of food waste being thrown in toilets and urinals is not quite as easy as designating a foodwaste-dumping-spot. Those already exist, contrary to what some people may think. They are called “compost bins” and are places where people are supposed to discard uneaten food. Because educating the entire school community on the proper recycling process last month seems to have been futile, the Shattler Editorial Board sees no point in trying to teach students how to compost. Instead, to solve the problem of food in the toilets, volunteers

from Code Red Robotics are making concerted efforts to build a Wall-E-type robot that can collect trash from bathrooms and deposit it in the landfill right between the bowling alley and rave in Upstairs K. Creating a designated smoking space and utilizing the possibility of a new-and-improved Wall-E from our very own Code Red Cool Kids is not enough to stop the vandalization of our majestic bathrooms. In addition to these measures, we must weed out the insurgents at our school―those who purposefully desecrate our bathrooms for their own amusement. The Shattler Editorial Board proposes that the administration reward students who snitch on bathroom smokers and food-dumpers with a grand prize of three Luvecoin per reported student. Luvecoin is a fast-growing e-currency taking the school by storm, and using it as a reward will provide monetary incentive for students at IHS to betray even their closest friends in the struggle to protect our glorious bathrooms. (If you want to learn more about Luvecoin, read “Luvecoin Takes ICSD By Storm” on pages 3-4). In order for all IHS students to relieve themselves in peace, we must create a designated smoking space in H-Courtyard and use the innovation of our own student body to dispose of waste properly, bringing forth a Golden Age of bathroom prosperity. Repurposing H-Courtyard into a smoking lounge will, as the environmentalists say, brutally murder two winged creatures with one small but deadly boulder, as it will result in the elimination of bathroom smoke and the creation of a Culture of Luve. However, these solutions can only work with the participation of the entire student body. If ill-intending students fail to cooperate, the rest of IHS must band together to stop them, even if it requires students to demonstrate their activism by posting about the fight for pristine and tranquil bathrooms on their Instagram stories. Finally, we strongly encourage teachers and administrators (after they return from their Galápagos vacation) to support us in our endeavors to shower our bathrooms with the tender Luve and care they deserve.

Luvecoin Takes ICSD By Storm By RESENTFUL BITCOIN FOUNDER

thaca City School District is known for its complex and often unorthodox solutions to simple problems, and the criticism that ICSD has received recently for underpaying teachers is no exception. To address the rising concerns of insufficient teacher pay, at a recent meeting of the Board of Education, ICSD Superintendent Luvelle C. Brown announced the creation of a new e-currency—Luvecoin™ (Trademark of Ithaca City Schools & Culture of Luve, Inc.), named after Dr. Brown’s popular nickname among students and faculty. Teachers’ standard salaries will be supplemented by 1000 Luvecoin per month (approximately $10), to make up for a nearly 30,000 dollar gap between the state average salary and district average salary. Students will also be able to use the currency but won’t have any fixed Luvecoin income—they can earn it through various district-sanctioned means. At the moment, it is unclear where teachers will be able utilize their Luvecoin, although ICSD has created the “LuveStore”—an online store where students and teachers can pay anywhere from 500 Luvecoin for a “Culture of Love” or “Engage, Educate, and Empower” T-shirt to a whopping 12,000 Luvecoin for a mini-figurine of Big Luve himself. Visiting the store currently shows

that the “Big Luve six-inch Figurine” is sold out, although the four-inch and five-inch models are still in stock. Though some teachers have begun to complain about a so-called “lack of real-world value” for Luvecoin, Dr. Brown, speaking from the LuveJet on his way to the Galápagos, responded, “These concerns that Luvecoin has no real-world application are ludicrous. The introduction of the LuveStore and its associated products has been proven to create a stronger community within ICSD.” Mr. Trumble, who was also present at the time, simply said, “With Luvecoin, we can actualize our dream of being ‘IHS Strong.’” Student reactions to Luvecoin have been largely positive. Kadek Nawiana, ’22, who has amassed nearly 10,000 Luvecoin from reporting sleeping students to the administration, said in an interview, “The design of the Luvecoin is so beautiful, it could be in the Louvre.” At the time of speaking, he was attired in an “IHS Strong” T-shirt and a backpack embroidered with Dr. Brown’s face (5000 Luvecoin in the LuveStore). A nascent black market for Luvecoin has also begun to flourish among the Continued on page 4

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Luvecoin Takes ICSD By Storm Continued from page 3 student body. Dove Williams, ‘24, IHS’s most prominent proponent of laissez-faire economics, has begun price-gouging Big Luve figurines. They proudly claim to be single-handedly responsible for the shortage of the six-inch models, which are being sold on the black market at a 200 percent markup. When asked about the motives behind their capitalistic exploitation of Luvecoin, Dove responded, “I’ve decided to resell the Big Luve six-inch figurine at a markup simply because I think that the IHS student body needs to learn a real-life lesson in economics. This is a wonderful opportunity for the students to remember their place in the economy, and I commend the district for allowing it to happen.” With the value of Luvecoin skyrocketing over exponential demand, the student body has shown itself as a cutthroat and brutal community. Compassion and friendship have been entirely replaced by an insatiable greed for the currency that is now equivalent to life or death at IHS. A stroll down G-hallway just a week after the introduction of Luvecoin found one student sobbing as they told their once best-friend, “How could you sell me out for sleeping in class? You know I only get two hours of sleep each night!” The student clearly responsible for this egregious betrayal only stood there with a broad grin across their face, clutching a newly purchased “Culture of Love” T-shirt. The irony of the situation was evidently lost on both of them. This obsession over Luvecoin, however, is not just limited to students. Teachers, once regarded as incorruptible bastions of maturity within IHS, are now revealing themselves to be anything but. I spoke to a teacher at IHS on the condition of

anonymity who has shamelessly been selling students A’s on their tests in exchange for 5000 Luvecoin, or the equivalent in LuveStore products. When asked about this, the teacher said, “I know it’s not right, per se, but when I saw that Big Luve two-inch blue-colored fidget spinner on the LuveStore, I just knew I had to have it or get fired trying.” The district’s response to the abrupt chaos at IHS after the introduction of Luvecoin has been surprisingly muted. Despite the formation of a Luvecoin anti-fraud team after a group of students and teachers were found running a high-stakes gambling ring with several million Luvecoin in assets, the district appears to be far outmatched by the fiscal ingeniousness of IHS students and staff. The IHS administration was forced to take the nuclear option of temporarily freezing the Luvecoin holdings of all students after an incident where a student allegedly bought all four core values for 1,000,000 Luvecoin, and replaced them with “boredom,” “dishonesty,” “Luvecoin,” and “greed.” However, the Luvecoin anti-fraud team was left floundering after they discovered that it was not a student who bought the core values, but a disgruntled teacher. It is clear that the introduction of Luvecoin has had its positive and negative impacts on ICSD, but it is even clearer that Luvecoin has helped build a stronger IHS community. Though introducing a currency to IHS has formed a microcosm of the national economy—students have begun holding daily protests in the quad against rising prices in the LuveStore—it has also shown to be a great tool in teaching students a valuable lesson about money. That is: money is best spent in the LuveStore.

IHS to Switch to One-Period Day with 30-Minute Universal Brunch By @IHS_BRUNCH

ue to widespread student support for the proposed seven-period schedule, the IHS administration has recently announced that IHS will be implementing a one-period schedule for the 2022-23 school year. In addition to the one 45-minute period, IHS will also add a 30-minute universal brunch into the new schedule, during which the cafeteria will serve breakfast and lunch items such as Eggs Benedict and waffles. The new change occurs amidst widespread student support for the proposed seven-period schedule, according to Mr. Trumble, who said, “I’ve just had so many students come up to me about how much they like the idea of a seven-period schedule. So we thought, ‘Why not take it one or six steps further?’ And we doubled down to really focus on what would be in the best academic interests of our students.” Although the school day will be slightly shortened, Mr. Trumble says that classes will be just as, if not more, productive. Due to New York State graduation requirements, IHS will be condensing all required courses into the 45-minute period. Curricula for required courses will be reduced so that all of them can be

taught within 20 minutes, leaving another 25 minutes in each period to devote to class bonding activities, such as passive-aggressive debate training and competitive complimenting. This also means that the school will stop offering all elective classes. “The existence of electives encourages students to take different classes from their peers, which leads to inequality and divisions within our student body,” said Dr. Brown when asked about this aspect of the one-period schedule. “The new schedule will promote equality in ICSD and grow our Culture of Luve.” In addition to offering more food options and increasing school unity, the new schedule has also paved the way for the installment of a school store. IHS-themed clothing items will be on sale for a short time after the store opens and students can purchase them using the new e-currency Luvecoin (see “Luvecoin Takes ICSD By Storm” on page 3). Because elective classes will be removed from IHS’s course offerings, teachers of current electives, as well as guidance counselors, will be transferred into the new Brunch Department. The Brunch Department consists of several sub-departments,

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including Brunch Planning, Brunch Monitors, and Brunch Food Service. During each universal brunch, former guidance counselors will serve as Brunch Monitors who will make sure students are behaving as well as offer over-brunch mental health support. “Support over brunch will definitely be effective because, well, who doesn’t like to talk about their issues over some waffles?” said an ecstatic (soon-to-be former) counselor. IHS’s student body has responded with overwhelming support for the new schedule. “I mean, I thought that this day would never come,” said one overwhelmed student who was crying tears of happiness. “I’ve been at IHS for three years and this brunch thing is something I never knew I wanted.” One group of passionate sophomores has also formed a Brunch Committee where

students can discuss brunch issues. In a recent survey done by this committee, 62 percent of students responded that they were most excited for the Eggs Benedict, 19 percent said they were looking forward to “IHS Strong” coffee mugs, and 13 percent said that they were excited for the IHS maple syrup production farm project, led by the technology teachers in the BTCI, or the Brunch and Technology Collective Initiative. Dr. Brown is especially excited for teachers to become involved in the implementation of the new schedule and brunch because, as he said, “We really will be bringing a wide variety of talents to the Brunch Department. My hope is that with this new and improved schedule, each brunch will truly reflect the Culture of Luve—I mean Love.”

Waterslide Into Cayuga Lake: Ithaca’s Next Construction Project By VIOLA SOLO

thaca is quite possibly the only place on planet Earth where construction takes place 40 hours a day, 13 days a week, and in all 72.83 dimensions. It certainly seems that way to many Ithacans, who complain endlessly about the silence and clean air that construction brings to their neighborhoods. This spring, Ithaca’s construction will barrel forwards with full force as Ithaca commences the building of its new project. Starting today, the “Overall Squad”―dedicated workers who are all distantly related to Gru’s minions and thus only wear denim overalls―will be assembling perhaps the most difficult structure of all time: America’s very first water slide made completely out of LEGOs. Directing this project is Wayne Kerr, a professor at Cornell with a PhD in Ufology (the study of UFOs). Although aliens and UFOs may be the subject of Dr. Kerr’s profession, his true passion is LEGO construction, and he is elated that he is finally able to prove to his skeptics that LEGOs are legit. In fact, hidden microphones in a bathroom near Dr. Kerr’s office recorded secret mutterings last Thursday afternoon while the professor was taking a whizz, picking up the words, “I’ll show you, Kerry Oki! I’ll get back at you for making me love you for seventeen years and then dumping me because I proposed with a ring made out of LEGOs! Yeah, I’ll show you…” According to Dr. Kerr, the waterslide will stretch two and a half miles from Cornell to somewhere else (hopefully the middle of Cayuga Lake), where the unceremonious dumping of riders will take place. The top of the waterslide will be located upon the roof of the Johnson Museum of Art. Originally, the use of the museum as the beginning of the waterslide was not permitted by Cornell, but Dr. Kerr was able to contact one of his alien friends, Vrekrad, to threaten Cornell with an alien invasion. About 46.222223 days ago, Cornell President Martha Pollack woke up to a frightening statement on her computer, courtesy of Vrekrad: “Hibuiiiing ilOiloilogHh yUo WreoiPooo AEKAN reopju yaa A!” Wary of the alien’s threats, Cornell’s President immediately ap-

proved Dr. Kerr’s construction requests. (So whenever you take a trip down the LEGO waterslide, think of Vrekrad, the true reason this project was possible in the first place.) Currently, the exact location that Ithacans who choose to take a trip down the waterslide will end up is unknown, but Dr. Kerr is certain that the length of the waterslide will be just under two and a half miles, explaining, “The only certainty in this project, besides the design, is the length of the slide. LEGOs are expensive, and my team has a finite amount of the blocks. I could only steal so many from my niece’s LEGO bin, after all. So the length will only be as far as the stolen LEGOs allow.” All we know so far is that waterslide-goers will find themselves somewhere by the end of the ride. Whether that be in our dimension is still unclear―even Dr. Kerr isn’t sure that riders won’t end up in the Upside Down, Narnia, or Middle Earth; only time will tell. After learning that the length of the waterslide was set in stone, Ithacan reporters immediately accosted the project’s lead engineer, Brighton Early, on the project’s second certainty―the design of the waterslide. Many found fault with the apparent safety of the project, complaining that people wouldn’t be able to fall off the slide by accident. Much of this criticism was aimed at the width of the slide, which is expected to be two feet―making it about ten times larger and safer than the majority of Ithacans want. At the unveiling of the project’s design, malicious thoughts from reporters regarding the width of the waterslide were so strong that the vibrations caused by these ponderings inflicted actual damage on the reporters’ brains, and 11 were sent to the hospital (as of today, six have died and the rest remain in critical condition). After sobbing uncontrollably for 98 minutes (poor Brighton thought she caused the reporter’s brain damage), the engineer responded, while weeping, “I’m sorry, okay? I really wanted to Continued on page 6

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Waterslide Into Cayuga Lake: Ithaca’s Next Construction Project Continued from page 5 make the slide only one inch wide but I had this dream where a donkey and a flying squid were playing with some silly putty and I was supposed to babysit them, and we were all going to go down the waterslide but there was no waterslide because it was so thin that it was hidden by the clouds and people couldn’t find it! And then the squid told me to make it wider so I did and I’m sorry! I didn’t think this would happen, please forgive me…” Early was eventually carried away by security, but her words cannot be taken back, and they still haunt the ears of all who were there (disregarding the few slowly dying from incurable brain trauma). After this spectacle with Ithacan reporters, Wayne Kerr and Brighton Early have decided that they will not disclose any more information regarding the construction of the waterslide. Fortunately, I was able to uncover more details with the help of one of my dear friends, Lucy Fer, a prodigious hacker. Lucy was able to break into Dr. Kerr’s unlocked Kindle E-reader and find notes about his plans for the rest of construction in a secret, well-hidden folder found directly on the homescreen and labeled

Project Origami

“Waterslide notes: KEEP OUT IF YOU’RE NOT ME.” The notes read, “Thickness: 2.47 cm. Color: rainbow, because we need to represent the GAYS, including me, but it’s fine, my wife will never know. Questions: I’m not sure how we are going to support the water slide for 2.5 miles. Maybe I can ask Vrekrad if they’ll help me make the slide float? I’ll figure it out later.” Clearly, there are no problems with the waterslide: it will be thick and strong enough to carry multiple people at a time; it will be supported by alien magic to keep it floating in the air; and best of all, it will be a symbol of LGTBQ+ pride! There is absolutely nothing to be concerned about and everything to be excited about, so keep your eyes open, Ithaca, and get ready for the best waterslide ride of your life. Construction is projected to be completed by June 31, about a week or two after all IHS students are expected to fail their Regents Exams. Taking a slide down an ultra-safe, longer-than-two mile waterslide made of LEGOs seems like the perfect way to celebrate conquering those standardized tests, right? It definitely is. See you there, IHS, and don’t forget to bring some Luvecoin for snacks and water!

By PAPER SWAN

Mockup of Project Origami, courtesy of Ruby Zawel

he most recent and arguably most ambitious building project in Ithaca is underway, and construction downtown will likely continue for the foreseeable future. Designs for the large new building claim to soon provide the largest collection of origami ever displayed. The towering museum will be made from 100,000 layers of cardstock bound together by

rubber bands. Questions as to the stability of the structure have been raised, but chief architect/origamist Paperm Ache assured concerned reporters that “no building has ever been designed more flawlessly than my most recent project.” However, further research into Mr. Ache reveals some troubling information. His last 18 building designs have been created using unusual materials (such as flies, ice, and pizza) and 12 have fallen apart within weeks of construction. Many readers will remember his design for the legendary Pizza Tower of Paris. The half-mile-tall pizza skyscraper attracted so many flies that the building had to be closed down and destroyed by a wrecking ball. Another cause for concern is the sheer size of the project—it spans a whole block and will rise 150 feet into the sky. While the massive dome at its center would be impressive, most engineers agree that the paper will be too flimsy to hold such a shape and collapse is inevitable. This is denied by Mr. Ache who claims that “Gravity is obviously a hoax, so there’s no way my dome could collapse. Get angry with Newton, not me!” Additionally, the working conditions have resulted in many safety hazards for paper folder workers. The seemingly innocent material of paper has given more than one worker so many cuts that they have required medical attention. Despite its purported design flaws and lack of worker safety, a vocal minority of Ithacans are ecstatic over the project’s construction. Avid origami artist Mendoza Scythe recently told the press, “I’m glad we’re finally getting some recognition! Origami is the highest of all art forms and the truest expression of human nature.” Many non-origami enthusiasts have found these comments incendiary, and battle lines have been drawn. In particular, sparks flew when professional couch potato Dan Chips

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suggested that the money allotted to the origami museum construction should instead go to “helping poor guys like me get some better couches.” While the building project still retains general unpopularity, the City of Ithaca has approved it for construction and the museum should be erected and opened to the public by March of 2332. The public outcry has been astonishing, and many citizens are lobbying the city government to decommission the project. Detractors claim that the erection of such a massive structure will eventually require the destruction of two homes and a sloth riding track, but Mr. Ache states that “such claims are more ludicrous than suggestions of a spherical earth!” The track in question is owned by 83 year-old Ithaca native Bella Slow who has told the press on numerous occasions that the construction crew is going to force her to relocate. Ms. Slow told reporters in tears, “My poor sloths! What will they do?”

To cap it all off, the project has been openly endorsed by the Ithaca City School District’s own superintendent, Dr. Luvelle Brown, an amateur origami artist himself. In Dr. Brown’s words, the building will be “a massive monument to the greatest achievement of mankind.” In fact, he recently altered the District budgetary plan this past week in order to make a donation of $144,943,885 (the District’s entire budget with the exception of his own salary) to the process of construction. IHS’s principal, Jason Trumble has refused to comment on the matter, although he has made it clear that the school will be able to deal with the new budgetary constraints and that students must “learn to accept and actualize this new situation.” The long term effects of the origami museum are yet to be seen, but nonetheless, the controversy has guaranteed that there will be a long line on opening day.

@ihs.caughtlacking To Become School-Sponsored Account By J.T. RUMBLE

HS WELCOME CENTER CONFERENCE ROOM 2—In a shocking turn of events, IHS principal Jason Trumble has announced to a rapturous committee of administrators the acquisition of popular Instagram account @ihs.caughtlacking as an official school-sponsored account. In addition, Principal Trumble stated that the school would begin to offer a reward of 10 Luvecoin to students who provide candid photos of their peers sleeping in class to the administration. Explaining his actions, Principal Trumble said, “Mr. Trumble believes that it is crucial for students to stay alert and engaged in their classes, so we are doing what we can to ensure that our IHS team can stay strong and active in their learning.” Created by an anonymous IHS student in November 2021, @ihs.caughtlacking quickly gained hundreds of followers eager to laugh at their friends caught snoozing in school. Some students have even staged photos in order to make it onto the page and amuse their friends. However, in addition to providing entertainment to stressed-out students procrastinating their homework by mindlessly scrolling

through Instagram, the account has also become a powerful deterrent to high schoolers looking to catch some Z’s during the school day. When responding to an anonymous survey asking for comments on the situation, a senior said, “@ihs.caughtlacking already makes it near-impossible to sleep in class because I’m terrified of my friends whipping out their phones the moment my head hits the desk, but now that there’s a reward for it I’m scared it’ll be strangers too! And what if colleges find out about it?!” Other students have likewise expressed their concerns about Principal Trumble’s actions: “This is a gross violation of minors’ and students’ fundamental right to privacy. How should I expect to feel safe in a school where there’s a bounty placed on my head? Soon it’ll be ‘caught yawning’ and then ‘caught existing!’” said a sophomore. On the other hand, some are excited about the account being given official status. A junior exclaimed, “My friends and I are already planning how we’re gonna catch the entire school lacking! I’m gonna make so much Luvecoin I can stop selling weed!”

As the legality of such a move by the administration is unclear, the IHS community is waiting on comment from the central ICSD administration on the matter. Yet, it is expected that Superintendent Brown will support the adoption of @ihs.caughtlacking as a school-sponsored initiative as part of his “Culture of Luve,” and perhaps even encourage its expansion into the middle and elementary schools. It would not be a surprise if we see an @icsd.kindergarteners.napping page in the near future. At the tail end of the administrator’s meeting where the announcement took place, an eavesdropping student asked the room if the administration will start running the account in place of the student who was widely believed to have created it. Principal Trumble’s response was a curt “No,” yet before Mr. Trumble could have the student removed from the room, Assistant Principal Hardesty stood up with a wide grin on her face, proclaiming ever-so-proudly: “Don’t worry, it’s been me all along.”

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Never Stop Learning: IHS 24/7 By NOA SLEEP

aking a cue from gas stations, hospitals, and the McDonald’s drive-through, IHS will now be opening its doors to students 24-hours a day, seven days a week. In the wake of recent outcry regarding the new universal lunch proposal, this new and improved schedule—developed by the IHS administration team and sponsored by College Board—will be implemented for the 2022-23 school year. “Students and parents often complain that coursework is too easy, that there’s not enough time in the day to take all of those APs,” one Dean of Students said in response to The Tattler’s inquiries. “What we gradually realized was that an eight-period schedule just doesn’t cut it.” With college acceptance rates plummeting and the future of test-optional applications wavering uncertainly on the horizon, today’s students need, now more than ever, a way to stand out from the crowd. Nine extracurriculars and perfect SAT scores can only go so far—what will be the next foothold to gain a competitive advantage and ensure a promising future in higher education and beyond? To the IHS administration team, the answer was simple: just add nineteen more class periods to create a 24-hour, 27-period school day. Despite initial concerns regarding the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual strain that might be caused by constantly studying, the administration noted that students are hardly able to eke out a life outside of school to begin with, so why bother trying? After all, according to data gathered from Canvas log-ins during quarantine, 91.2 percent of IHS students are at least partially nocturnal already. Of course, to comply with NYS guidelines, students will be allotted a generous 34-minute break from 1:45 a.m. to 2:19 a.m., allowing them to get the much-deserved rest and relaxation necessary to push on for the next 24 hours— fortified by complimentary energy drinks graciously provided by the cafeteria staff. Upon hearing the district’s proposal, The Tattler—as the voice of the student body—quickly took action and sent a representative to interview students, intending to expose the detrimental impacts that this new schedule proposal would have on the student body. On the contrary, we were horrified to discover that students’ reactions were, as per usual, jaded acceptance. “I don’t see my family anymore as it is, other than the twenty minutes I spend eating breakfast and dinner,” one student sighed, staring vacantly into space with hollow eyes. “What’s the point in coming home from school at the end of the day when I could just stay here and get more work done?” “Sleep?” one sophomore just shrugged noncommittally when asked how the administration’s proposal might impact their schedule. “Sleep doesn’t do my math homework.” In a final attempt to find someone—anyone—to oppose the administration’s new policy, The Tattler asked one senior, half-buried underneath a pile of homework and other debris, about their experiences with the “work-life-balance.” Unfortunately, the student appeared to be passed out from exhaustion and was therefore unable to supply any coherent response. Now left with more questions than answers, The Tattler has begun to consider the possibility that IHS students may have legitimately forgotten how to enjoy their lives. But is this grave re-

ality our own doing, a natural fault of our competitive society, or a product of a deeper root cause, buried beneath the surface? To find out, The Tattler interviewed IHS Principal Jason Trumble about the administration’s rationale behind the new schedule. “The 27-class-period schedule was created to optimize productive time in the learning environment,” Trumble explained. “We live in a competitive global economy, and American test scores have been lagging behind for decades. It’s time that IHS students learn the lessons of hard work and accountability before they are trampled in the weeds like the rest of us.” While skillfully dodging our questions regarding the new schedule’s potential impact on students’ health, Trumble went on to explain various other academic benefits. For example, during its nighttime hours, IHS will also be offering an immense variety of extracurricular AP-level course options, providing students with the opportunity to pursue their wide range of interests, from AP Astronomy to AP Bowling. AP Nighttime Wilderness Survival, another new elective, will broaden the skill sets that students have already developed from AP Daytime Wilderness Survival, currently held in the G hallway between lunch periods. “With this new 24-hour schedule,” said College Board CEO David Coleman, “students can accumulate more college credits than ever before, graduating high school and college simultaneously while saving hundreds of thousands of dollars on college tuition—much of which will then be channeled into my own personal paycheck.” “Next year, I’m planning to take every AP science course offered in the course catalog—Physics, Chem, APES, Bio, and even some electives too with the remaining 19 periods,” freshman Bella Zu told The Tattler when asked about her opinions regarding this new schedule shift. Zu, in between fitful bursts of manic laughter, went on to explain her intentions to take every course offered at IHS during her four years of high school. She will graduate with a quadruple degree in Physics, German, Food Science, and Classical Literature alongside the traditional high school diploma. But success stories like Zu’s aren’t the only reason for the schedule shift. Administrators, concerned about the lack of IHS community, explained how the new schedule will strengthen student and staff bonds while also improving IHS spirit. At a recent informational gathering of parents, teachers, and students regarding the new schedule, Superintendent Brown concluded his presentation with a heartwarming remark: “What better way to cultivate a Culture of Love than to spend all 24 hours of our day together?” he said to much head-bobbing from parents and students alike. Brown, a powerful speaker, brought many members of his audience to tears with his words as they imagined IHS transforming into an intellectual sanctuary in this bitter, broken world— transcending into an even stronger community of 6000+ learners, thinkers, and dreamers. Even now, The Tattler remains uncertain what could have caused Brown’s audience to experience such a profound sensation of pure, undistilled joy—even as their lives were being so thoroughly stolen from them. But whether this phenomenon was caused by the brainwashing effect of Dr. Brown’s oration or our collective lack-of-sleep-induced delirium may never be known.

APRIL FOOLS’ What we do know is that, as Dr. Brown’s voice drifted like fog over the sea of broken souls and the thunder of applause filled the room with its deafening roar—all thoughts of resistance fad-

ed into background static. After all, this new 24-hour schedule isn’t new at all, but rather one we’ve already been living.

Why Milk Should Go Before Cereal By NOAH LOTT

he age-old question: which comes first, the milk or the cereal? Both sides of the discussion have valid arguments supporting their claim, but it is my staunch opinion that the milk should be poured before the cereal. I have met many forms of dissent in response to this opinion. The main claim that “cereal first” believers make is that pouring the milk first messes up the cereal-to-milk ratio. This argument is invalid for several reasons. Firstly, it doesn’t ruin the ratio. Many people claim that there’s “too much milk left over” (if such a thing even exists) if you pour the milk first. As any milk lover knows, the last splash of milk is the best part. The milk remaining in the bowl is the perfect excuse to pour yourself another bowl of cereal. Secondly, I never understood the ratio unit in my math class, and do not intend to understand it for the purpose of this article. I, like many other people, am a bit picky when it comes to

the texture of my cereal. I can’t stand having soggy cereal. It is hard to imagine anyone on this earth who would actually like the taste of wet, soggy cereal in the morning. When you pour the milk first, your cereal will take longer to fully absorb the liquid, floating peacefully on the surface. This gives the consumer of the cereal more time to eat a dry and appetizing breakfast. As to the claim that “dry foods must come before wets,” I highly disagree. Not only should the inverse of this rule be used for cereal, but also for other foods as well. For years, I have been adding the dry ingredients to the wet ones. For instance, adding pasta to a plate of tomato sauce secures a perfect sauce-to-spaghetti ratio. I highly recommend this method. Next time you eat a salad, try putting the dressing on your plate first. Try applying the bread to the peanut butter and jelly instead. I promise it will change your life.

Honors Naptime: The Benefits of Electives By RIP VAN WINKLE

oing into scheduling last year, no one knew what this year’s schedule would look like. With teacher turnover across the board, the appeal of many electives was up in the air, but one class stood its ground as a forerunner in the competition for the most desirable courses: Honors Naptime. Available only to upperclassmen, Honors Naptime is advertised as a course devoted to educating the individual on sleeping habits and the importance of routine. Listed as a Physical Education credit, this one-semester course is always one of the first to fill up when course selection and scheduling begins. Despite the common misconception that Honors Naptime is a throwaway credit, the course is more rigorous than most expect. The curriculum includes topics such as routine customization, the psychology of the sleep schedule, and the physical effects of healthy sleep habits. While class time is mainly devoted to the practice of sleeping, there is a plethora of supplemental assignments counting towards a student’s grade in the class. Students keep a dream journal for the duration of the course, checked weekly for completion. The last ten minutes of every class period are devoted to reflection on the napping process in class that day (points are gained and lost based on the commitment to falling asleep—percentage of class time with eyes closed is equivalent to your grade for the day). Other assignments include setting

and modifying pre-bedtime routines. While there is no official textbook for the course, readings include excerpts from studies on the sleep cycle, as well as medical papers on the importance of sleep maintenance. Despite the subversion of expectations that the actual class creates, students taking this class almost unanimously report lower stress levels and higher energy levels throughout a given day after having taken the course. Being one of the lucky students to have squeezed their way into the class during the scheduling process, I feel obligated to share my experience with others who want to take it. Like most people, I was expecting to coast through this course easily. After all, how hard could naptime be? Answer: incredibly. I’m sure you’re thinking that I must be crazy to give this evaluation, so I’ll explain. You know that feeling when you’ve got to get up early tomorrow morning for something important, but it’s already late and you know you have to fall asleep RIGHT NOW to survive the next day? Yeah? Well, that’s the energy of the entire course. When your objective is sleeping, somehow sleeping becomes the last thing your brain wants to do. Although these may seem like unnecessary hurdles for an elective, I promise you that getting over them is worth your time. Continued on page 10

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Honors Naptime: the Benefits of Electives Continued from page 9 Once you struggle with the “getting to sleep” process for long enough, solutions will start to present themselves to you through your own research and newly awakened self-awareness. You’ll realize that maybe (just maybe) scrolling through your phone for an hour (or more, don’t lie) isn’t the healthiest option. You’ll stop doing your homework propped up in bed, and perhaps you’ll even get more of it done. For those of us who are seniors, these

are huge life skills that, while we don’t think about them that much, are essential to learn before we go off on our own, whether that be college, a gap year, or a job. There are so many reasons that Honors Naptime ranks high in my list of favorite classes, and I strongly encourage you to discover them for yourself. You absolutely won’t regret it.

Exactly How to Fix the Biggest Problem With Schools By BETSY DeVOS

welve months ago, I appeared here in The Tattler to explain the biggest problem with schools. After having taken the time to reflect on and ponder this topic, I return with a detailed plan of how the student-free school can finally be implemented. First up, seniors: IHS’s oldest cohort must lead the way out the door. In this maneuver, it is every student for themselves. Puny freshmen used the energy they once poured into sprinting between classes to fiercely argue for their place on campus, and senioritis-plagued students are the obvious first choice. Not only do they have the most stressful student life, but they cause the most strain on the school system because they require assistance from counselors in the college admissions process. Plus, they drive to school and therefore require parking spaces. Remember: our aim here is cost-efficiency. Sophomores leave after the seniors. They are in their second year, and as such, are starting to panic. High school’s second stage is where the training wheels come off and the bicycle starts to fall apart as students crash into metaphorical lampposts and metaphorically parked cars with astonishing frequency. At this point, our dear students have absolutely no idea what they need to be worried about. Is it too early to think about college? Too late? How much do extracurriculars matter? Are they taking enough advanced courses? This amalgamation of doubts causes anxiety. The result of this anxiety? Strain on the education system. Best to get rid of the sophomore class and be done with it. As helpful as they were before, the sub-five-foot freshmen are the next to go. Freshmen come in utterly excited about so much—oh, who am I kidding? My name is Betsy freaking DeVos. Student happiness and safety are my enemies. If we’re going to continue the bicycle analogy (trust me, I will) then freshmen are the ones getting a new bike for the first time. It has sixteen speeds, a sleek paint job, and they feel like a million bucks while riding it. And, frankly, they should, because every sophomore, junior, and senior was once a freshman and knows what that’s like. Freshmen are also the ones experiencing rising courseloads for the first time, and that sort of first-timer stress is a ticking time bomb when it comes to the elimination of stress within the American schooling system. They’re thrown out after the sopho-

mores. If sophomore year is the time when the bicycle falls apart, then junior year is when you learn to ride a bicycle-turned-unicycle on five hours of sleep. Seniors are the most stressed, but juniors are definitely the most tired students in schools. They are also among the most independent, because they know what they’re doing (for the most part) and as such put less strain on the school system. They are the last to get the boot. I estimate that the removal of the senior and sophomore class will have an immediate, positive impact on the mental health and wellbeing of the school population. The subsequent removal of freshmen and juniors will increase these benefits. In a scientific clinical study, the student-free schooling system demonstrated a 100 percent decrease in the following: stress levels, number of students crowding hallways, number of failed tests, number of emails sent, and, perhaps most importantly, the number of taxpayer dollars not spent on private school vouchers. Once Trump is unanimously reelected in 2024, my Department of Education will implement this plan immediately and make America’s education systems great again.

Big Luve Shenanigans by Ur Welcome

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Make Dollar Slice Tuesday a District Holiday By RYAN THOMPSON

magine it’s a Tuesday. You’re in class and it’s 20 minutes before lunch. You can’t wait to go down next period with your friends to Papa John’s to grab a slice of pizza. For a single dollar you can get one of the most succulent pizza slices you’ve ever tasted. The tradition of Dollar Slice Tuesday is a cultural event that has taken a foothold among both students and staff. The cafeteria is noticeably emptier on Tuesdays, and according to a recent survey, a stunning 60 percent of upperclassmen get pizza from Papa John’s on dollar slice day. This phenomenon isn’t just limited to students, teachers and staff are also eager participants in this weekly phenomenon. According to the Student Representatives to the Board of Education, Mr. Trumble himself is a fan of Papa John’s dollar slices and many teachers are known to frequent the joint too. However, actually getting pizza on Dollar Slice Tuesday requires students to have free and equal access to Papa John’s. But what if you don’t have a lunch? What if you don’t have a free period? What if you don’t have transportation? How will you ever get your hands on that coveted slice of pizza? It’s deeply unfair to those who want a dollar slice from Papa John’s but don’t have the means to get it. Who are we as a District if we can’t afford every student the opportunity to sink their shiny white teeth into that gushy cheesy slice of Papa John’s? Missing out on Dollar Slice Tuesday isn’t just barring students from eating—it’s a form of exile, a punishment so barbarous it strains credulity

at best. Dollar Slice Tuesday is a school-wide tradition, a time where friends can make the weekly pilgrimage to spend their dollars on some greasy goodness. By not having equal access to this venerated event, you’re excluding students simply because they don’t have the time or transportation to reach Papa John’s. Ensuring the right of students to get that dollar slice of pizza is, at its core, an issue of equity. For this reason, it’s imperative we make Dollar Slice Tuesday a district holiday. Giving students certain days off is a precedent that the Ithaca City School District has enacted in the past. Just last year, Wednesdays were made asynchronous, with students staying at home unless they had a meeting with a teacher or other sanctioned school event. The administration must implement a similar policy for Dollar Slice Tuesday and provide busing for students who don’t possess the transportation to get there. Having Tuesday be a day where students partake in the succulent slices of Papa John’s is not only equitable but in line with the District’s Culture of Love. By going to Papa John’s you’re not only showing love for the friends and people you go with, but also supporting the pizza and the local community that crafts it. It pains my heart and soul to see that some students don’t have access to Dollar Slice Tuesday. Every student without a greasy slice of Papa Johns in their hands is a sacrifice we can not make. For ICSD to truly be a district where students can grow and prosper we must make Dollar Slice Tuesday a District Holiday.

Freshman Vapes at College Level By GEORGE BURNS

thaca High School freshman Mike Hawk is celebrating a rare academic achievement: vaping at a college level. Awarded by the College Board organization, this award is so rare that Mike Hawk, 14, is one of only forty-seven students nationally who has ever received this prize. Analogous to College Board’s Advanced Placement (AP) scores and achievement awards, the Scholarly Smokers award is given to students who demonstrate a proficiency in vaping akin to that of college students—a very demanding task for prospective scholar-smokers. (The College Board even admits on its website that, “This course is exceedingly grueling, and will test both the student and their lungs to the extreme. We wouldn’t recommend it. It’s up there with AP Physics C and Statistics.”)

When Mr. Trumble received the news he was gobsmacked. “I was completely blown away,” he said, continuing, “Who knew our students vaped at a college level? Certainly not me. After the initial shock—our scores haven’t been so great recently, and this is a definite improvement!—I couldn’t be more proud. In fact, we’re working on re-designating H-Courtyard as a safe smoking space.” When asked when they’d make the shift, Mr. Trumble responded, “We’re working on it.” According to College Board, vaping among students, and with it their scores, have gone up in recent years. “It’s a definite trend,” a representative from College Board told us. “Freshman are different beasts when it comes to vaping, though.” When Continued on page 12

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12 Freshman Vapes at College Level Continued from page 11

asked for comment on this Mr Trumble told the Tattler, “Freshman this year are indeed different beasts,” though he would not specify in which category. Described as a “talented smoker” who was a “frequent occupant” of the bathrooms, the Tattler was eager to sit down with this near-collegiate JUULer. The transcript below illuminates an exclusive look at the man behind the puff. George Burns: Describe your reaction when you found out about the award. Mike Hawk: It was scary at first. I got this phone call home and I thought “oh no, am I in trouble?” It turns out I wasn’t though. My mom picked up the phone, after asking if I had skipped Gym, and she got this really raspy voice on the other end. At first we thought it was a scam but we were only partially right because it turned out it was College Board. GB: How did you feel about winning such an accolade?

MH: I was shocked. To me it was honestly pretty crazy since I didn’t even feel I smoked that much compared to the other freshmen. My mom was pretty shocked too for other reasons. She wasn’t aware I smoked! GB: Have you taken Health yet? MH: No. GB: Any future plans? MH: To be completely honest, I’m not really sure where I’ll go from here. I do want to quit smoking at some point, and I’ll probably have to since my parents are so mad after learning I JUUL. Note: Mike was interviewed via Zoom—his parents have not let him leave the house since finding out about his collegiate vaping abilities.

Notable IHS Teachers’ Post-High School Plans By STEVE’S BIGGEST FAN

Steve Weissburg in Jordan, courtesy of his website Math With Steve

IHS Math Teacher Goes Big

teve Weissburg, IHS’ very own Honors Geometry and Honors Pre-Calc BC teacher, is officially leaving the teaching profession to pursue bigger and better things. On January 1, Steve—better known now as the 12th High Commissioner for Refugees—was elected to one of the highest positions one can hold in the United Nations. The primary goal he wants to achieve during his five-year term is to implement education programs in refugee camps around the world, “so no one ever has to struggle

to solve fractions and linear equations the way my Ithaca Honors students do.” Currently, 48 percent of refugee children remain out of school, a heartbreaking percentage that would surely drop to zero under the direction of Steve. Mr. Weissburg is truly the one to tackle international issues like global education, given what an international man he is. Check out his website, mathwithsteve.weebly.com, to witness a blog of his travel locations, including Jordan, Morocco, Georgia, Ghana, and more; he discusses culture, geography, math-related topics (of course), language, humanitarian issues, and more. His experience teaching French will surely help him with this journey, given that it is the official language in 29 countries. Who knew so many people spoke French? A country must be truly good at imperialism and colonization to force so many people to abandon their own culture and language for that of their oppressors. Anyway, all of the students at Ithaca High School wish the best to Steve in his upcoming role; we’re sure he’ll fill the shoes of the last old white man in charge of refugees just fine! AP Euro Teacher Does What He’s Always Dreamed Of Matthew Prokosch, famed wearer of suits, low-key obsessive Swiftie, and reasonably successful AP European History teacher, has decided to take teaching about socialism to a whole new level—by becoming the face of it! Prokosch, a well-known Marxist-Leninist at IHS (evidenced by the USSR flag on his wall and various other Soviet memorabilia), has been given an offer to

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represent The Communist Party of the United States of America in upcoming presidential elections. There’s no way we could be more proud of him. From teaching little 16-year-old snobs about revolutionaries like Lenin, to truly embodying what Marx would have wanted American politics to be today. One small step for Prokosch, one giant leap for mankind. Sadly, he may have to give up his human-sized cardboard cutout of Tay-Tay, as communists do not approve of the glamorization of wealthy capitalists such as Swift. He may also have to give up those 500 dollar suits…not very proletarian of you Prokosch, huh? Nonetheless, the students of IHS are sure he will go far in this new position, and soon capitalism in America will be no more. All hail Prokosch!

Chem Teacher/Farmer Founds Largest Commune in the US Bob Tuori, AP Chemistry and Sustainable Agriculture teacher, is a self-proclaimed agrarian-populist, which can be summarized as someone whose political goals center around the working farmers of the world. As Mr. Jordan has probably taught you, the Populist Movement in US history was a grassroots movement made up of farmers who were anti-elite and anti-corporatism, fighting the democratic struggle. Mr. Tuori has his own farm, where he grows produce that you can find him selling at his stand at the Farmers’ Market on weekends. As Tuori approaches his middle-aged years, he’s discovered the desire to do more about his agrarian-populist values, starting with opening up Bob’s Finger Lakes Commune, a prospering community where Upstate New York farmers and families can work together in their own socialist utopia. He will continue to teach at IHS and welcomes any and all students to come to try out real-life communism.

Principal Trumble Makes Comedic Debut By YO-MA MA

A beautiful smiling Madame Bowman by Hannah Shvets

Language Teacher has Spirit One of the most beloved teachers in our school by far is Madame Bowman, a French teacher for all levels, from French II to Advanced Placement. It may come as no surprise to her current and former students that after her retirement next year she has chosen to become the captain of the Varsity Cheer team. Bowman has more energy than all of her students combined, even now that she’s a grandma to a very cute little boy. Her first step as cheer coach will be changing all the cheers into French and changing the uniforms from the school colors to the colors of the Democratic Republic of Congo (sky blue, yellow, and red). This may seem like an arbitrary choice, but the colors of the flag of France are far too overused (in Madame’s opinion), so she chose the country with the highest population of French speakers. Every cheer uniform will also come with a little blazer, akin to the ones our very stylish teacher wears every day to school.

n a lovely Friday evening, I headed to the IHS cafeteria to enjoy some top-tier local entertainment. Ms. Hardesty had stationed herself outside and was directing traffic in her usual demure manner. They asked for my student ID at the door, which I had to punch in three times on a keypad with no monitor. I checked out the vending machine, but a mere Dasani water was three bucks. No thanks! As I settled into my seat (I had to fight a seven-foot-three freshman tooth and nail for it), I noticed that the place was more packed than I’d ever seen it, even before COVID. The tickets were expensive, too, at almost 10,000 Luvecoin. Once I entered, I wasn’t allowed to leave until 7:30 (the show started at five). But as I’d soon come to find out, the experience was well worth it. A blaring 10-second bell signaled the beginning of the show, and the audience was encouraged to place their cell phones in a box. “Don’t worry, we won’t steal your data,” reassured the administrators. “We already have plenty.” The lovely, subtle fluorescent lights dimmed and the entire audience focused their attention on the plush red curtain, which had begun to rustle. Barely audible, but definitely there, were the unmistakable sounds of a man hyping himself up: “Come on Jason, you can do this. You’re IHS strong, goshdarnit, IHS strong.” In order to protect his dignity and distract the audience, Ms. Hardesty climbed on stage and started warming up the room by cracking some classic “yo’ mama” jokes. “Yo’ mama’s so stupid, she studied for a COVID test. Yo’ mama’s so stupid, she got hit Continued on page 14

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Principal Trumble Makes His Comedic Debut Continued from page 13 by a parked car. Yo mama’s teeth are so yellow, when she smiles at traffic, it slows down.” Within minutes, she had the entire audience wishing for the main act to begin just so they wouldn’t have to suffer through any more offensive one-liners. Finally, like a beautiful butterfly shedding its chrysalis with damp wings, Jason Trumble emerged from between the velvet drapes to roaring applause. He gave a wave and a shy smile, took a swig from his carton of cafeteria chocolate milk, and detached the mic from its stand. After the obligatory wave of screeching feedback, he began his set. “Alright team, we wanna thank you all for coming out tonight. Mr. Trumble is so excited to be giving his very first comedy show. Also, I’d like to thank my bestie Luvelle Brown for being here tonight, because his head is so shiny I used it to check my reflection, and make sure there was nothing in my teeth before coming out onto the stage.”

“Sometimes students ask me, ‘Mr. Trumble, how did you climb the ranks to become principal?’ And I tell them, ‘With a ladder, silly!’” A resounding groan arose from the audience. “No, but honestly, you just have to be good at working in a team and public speaking. Did you know that public speaking is most people’s worst fear? Some people would rather DIE than speak in public. I can only assume that’s why people don’t ever come to IHS pep rallies and skip class—they’re probably just scared they’ll have to speak in front of other people—but if you were to ask me, ‘Mr. Trumble, what are you most afraid of?’ I would probably say, ‘Not living my life with compassion, integrity, ownership and tenacity.’” I won’t spoil the rest of the set, as I’ve heard Trumble is getting his own Netflix comedy special soon, but it was a truly entertaining evening if I do say so myself.

Ultimate Party Playlist By A CERTIFIED DJ

ccording to several uncited scholarly articles, April is objectively the best month for parties. Although parties can be pretty fun to attend, they are nightmares to manage. What food should you provide? How dim should the lights be? Where should you hide the valuables in your house? What music should you play? Thankfully, we can help with the last one. Here’s the definitive playlist of the best party bangers to blast out of the boomboxes:

“Elephant Seals 2” by Doug Carroll: Do you know what an elephant seal sounds like? I didn’t either before listening to this. Apparently, it sounds like a seagull in need of a lozenge. This track is a wonderful way to spark engaging conversations.

“4:33” by John Cage: This song is the perfect start to a super fun party! To really get your guests pumped up, start off with this classic. The best thing about this song? It doesn’t matter if your speaker is at maximum volume or muted—the song sounds the same!

“Evil Background Songs” by Scary Music Orchestra: Your guests thought they were here for a fun, lighthearted time? Well, they were wrong. This song really sets the mood for the existential dread to creep in and consume all of your guests. It’s also especially fitting for Halloween parties.

“Lamenting Whales 2” by Oceanografers: After the intensity of the first song, your guests might be ready for some more relaxed tunes. This song is a great way to keep the party subdued yet energetic. The title of this song might suggest a sad sound, but the high pitches throughout the piece create more of a healthy feeling of terror in the listener.

“Brahms Lullaby” by Lia Phillips: Your party has been going on for a while now. With all of these songs to hype them up and keep them energized, your guests are probably really tired. Do them a favor and let them cool off to this nice soothing song. Just make sure you play it loud enough so your guests don’t actually fall asleep.

“Vacuum Cleaner Sounds” by Calmsound: The description of this piece states that the purpose of this track is to help desensitize your pets to sounds of which they might be afraid. It also makes for really nice conga line dance music.

“Doors Opening & Closing” by Mario ASMR Studio: By this point, your party is probably winding down. Play this song as a subtle but firm hint that your guests will have to leave soon.

“Humans Laughing” by Doug Carroll: Maybe your guests are still feeling rather flustered after the lamenting whale sounds. This song is excellent to continue lightening the mood. Laughing is apparently infectious, so a laugh track must be peak comedy, right?

“Hammering” by Unspecified: Beware: the echoing sound of hammers is known to start intense raves and even mosh pits. Play this song with caution. It’s a real headbanger!

“Never Gonna Give You Up” by Rick Astley: Gotta go out with a bang, right?

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Cristiano Ronaldo sign on as the offensive leader of the team. When asked to comment on his career change, Ronaldo said that he was “done with soccer” and “excited to try this obviously superior sport.” The Vatican has even announced its intentions of creating a Maddrenball team after Pope Francis publicly endorsed the sport. Tonight, Greece and Norway will start off the season. This game is fairly even-matched and should be quite exciting. The opening match will be streamed on all platforms and is projected to be the second most-viewed sports event of all time, the first predicted to be the Maddrenball World Championship, soon to come. Show some IHS pride by tuning in to the big game tonight!

Scan this code to listen to the full playlist on Spotify!

New European Maddrenball League Formed By GYM CLASS HERO

addrenball has been a staple in IHS gym classes for years. The game was created by our very own PE teacher, Ms. Maddren. The game is rather simple to understand: it is a combination of basketball, handball, and soccer, in which two teams try to score as many points as possible before the timer runs out. Recently, this IHS gym class favorite has spread outside of the walls of Bliss Gym, and the Tattler is proud to announce that a new European professional Maddrenball league has been created. Each country will have a team and compete over a 50-game season to be the Maddrenball European Champions. The championship will be held in Rome. League officials are trying to rent out the Colosseum to hold the epic culmination of the Maddrenball season. When asked to comment on her sport’s success, Ms. Maddren said she believed that “taking this sport overseas was a good idea,” and she has hopes that someday her creation will end up “becoming as popular as pickleball.” While I talked to her, she seemed excited at the prospect of having her sport reach such high levels of fame and gave off an aura of confidence, as if she had expected the sport’s success all along. Currently, the French and German teams are favorites, but things are looking up for the Portuguese team (which had been predicted to be second-worst in the league), which recently had

IHS Daltball: Starting off Strong! By A SEASONED DALTBALL SPECTATOR

his year’s annual Daltball tournament was kicked off with a bang on the last Saturday in March (as the rulebook dictates, of course), drawing spectators from around the state. Participating in this national tradition for decades, IHS prides itself with having over two dozen placings in such tournaments, hoping to add to the collection yet again this year. The team’s preparation was closely watched across the county, and the incredible outcomes of the local season were reflected in the team’s performance at the regional games this past month. An avid fan of the sport (as I’m sure many of you are), I of course attended the tournament. As per the rulebook, as we’re all aware, the games were not televised or recorded, so I’ll do my best to recount the events for those of you who were unable to attend. In their first game, the IHS team faced Corning in a frenzied match. Bitter rivals for years, these two teams typically, as we all know, generally come face to face much later in the tournament, but major shifts in regional teams called for reorganization this year. Needless to say, this first game was absolutely thrilling. Our very own #5 scored a remarkable 17.6 points in the first half hour with some incredibly tactfully placed whings! The IHS defensive lineup valiantly protected the Round, denying Corning 32.74 of the possible points made from their erratic tactics. Staff turnover within ICSD has proven valuable for this year’s season, bringing a new coach to the team, and with them, new strategies that brought IHS the win over Corning. Moving up from the first bracket, the IHS Lil’ Red went up against Vestal following their defeat of Horseheads with only a Continued on page 16

APRIL FOOLS’

IHS Daltball: Starting off Strong! Continued from page 15 one hour break between matches, just barely meeting regulations. This particular match will be the talk of fans for years to come. Largely unspectacular, the two teams were at a relative stalemate for most of the game, going head to head until the back end of the fourth third. Just when the crowd was sure that Vestal would pull through with their then 4.9 point lead, the Little Red kicked into gear, surpassing their lead by almost double. The drama didn’t end here, however. Impressive plays from both teams including some truly beautiful spalls and fends brought the game into overtime, tied at 117.38 points at the end of the fifth third. The Lil’ Red, in the allotted twelve minute and sixteen second overtime, scraped into the lead, topping Vestal’s score by

just 0.6 points! This first weekend’s events ground to a halt all too soon for spectators. IHS Little Red, inching their way into the quarterfinals, will continue their fight for a title this coming Saturday on the shores of Cayuga Lake, just past the Yacht Club. Our players will be going up against Elmira, yet another traditional rivalry. Field preparations are already well underway, and will be unmissable for those of you who know your stuff (as I have no doubt you do). Bring plenty of school spirit, and be sure to leave your devices off the field! I can’t wait to see you there to support our players through this amazing, long-lived tradition.

My Quest to Find The Ballad of A Toilet Luve By Kyle Whitman

By Luvis XIV

It was a dark and dreary time I say I needed to pee at school that day I walked from the room they call my class With naught in life but a hallway pass

There once was a man named Luvelle Who was doing incredibly well Let his salary climb Paid his teachers a dime And he never thought they would rebel

To where in this building would my journey lead me? To which of the bathrooms would my destiny be? Of this I did not know But I wished my bladder was not so I walked and walked around for miles Past rooms where students were in single files On bathroom doors I heaved and wrenched In vain attempts my hopes were henched I wept, I cried in pure despair Admins passed me without a care Where was this open place to pee? Rarer than a Bonsai tree

The joke was on him in the end Because one day, they’d no longer bend They made up a pact And decided to act Because he couldn’t superintend They cornered him after a chase And soon put him into his place If he didn’t raise pay They would show him the way With a classic old pie to the face

But then when walking past the Senior Square A gender neutral bathroom did my eyes ensnare But alas the lock clicked firm. I felt my very soul decay It was a dark and dreary day

Emo Elf By Luna King O’Brien

His eyes were rimmed with coal, Red and green turned dull Knee length boots, Nightly loots, To fix the gaping hole.

Megamind

APRIL FOOLS’

By Adam Saar

School-Related Predictions for April Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19): Although you’ve managed to keep your grades up enough to satisfy your parents so far this year, your history teacher will give you a zero on your project that you turned in at 12:04 a.m., tanking your class grade and leading to the wrath of your parents coming out in full force. Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20): After giving away all of your pencils to your friends who’ve forgotten theirs at home, you’ll sit down to take your science test and find your pencil case entirely empty, forcing you to take the test using a single piece of mechanical pencil lead. Gemini (May 21 - June 20): Desperately needing to pee, you’ll run around the entirety of IHS only to find every single bathroom locked. In a daze of desperation, you’ll relieve yourself under the stairwell to Upstairs K, and end up as the first post on @ihs.caughtpissing.

Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20): After holding in your bowel for far too long, you’ll rush to the bathroom to empty yourself. To your pleasant surprise, the bathroom will have just been cleaned, and no one will walk into the bathroom while you take your dump. Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18): Stuck in the logjam of F-Hallway, a rushing student will trip over the person next to you, sending their school lunch tray flying through the air. Without even trying, you’ll manage to pull off a Spiderman-esque saving of your peer’s lunch, leading to the entire hallway erupting in applause. Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19): You’ll wake up, get dressed, and go to school with a pit in your stomach, fearing your imminent math test. Upon getting to class, your teacher will announce that the test has been canceled, sending an orgasmic wave of relief through your fully-awake body. Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 22): Having been recruited to host IHS Connects, you’ll manage to get the entire script right on your first try, and you’ll impress the entire school with your charisma.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22): After pulling an all-nighter procrastinating, you’ll walk into school in a daze, armed only with an iced coffee. In a cruel twist of fate, every single one of your teachers will cold call you, leaving you blubbering like a drunkard by the time you reach eighth period.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21): Barely managing to stay awake as a result of the four hours, 12 minutes, and 34.1 seconds of sleep you got the previous night, your angel of a friend will offer you a full bag of jolly ranchers, saving you from an inevitable appearance on @ihs.caughtlacking.

Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22): While rushing to get to the lunch line in order to avoid the long wait, you’ll trip over your own untied shoelaces midway down the G-Building stairs, sending you for an Olympics-worthy tumble that will end with crashing into your annoyed crush at the bottom of the stairs.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21): Coming back from a Dollar-Slice Tuesday lunch run, you’ll be delighted to find your favorite parking spot still open, and is even a pull-through spot this time!

Cancer (June 21 - Jul 22): Having spent an entire week memorizing the dates of historical events for your history test, when you get it back you’ll see a large zero on the top of the page, and realizing that you’ve memorized the dates in opposite order.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20): Having held in a piss for a period too long, you’ll run to the nearest bathroom, praying it’s unlocked. The door will open swiftly—the gods have blessed you with mercy today.

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19): On the morning of your dreaded math test, you’ll wake up, go to school, and be elated to hear that your teacher canceled the test. However, just as soon as you jump for joy from the news, you’ll realize that you’re jumping from the sound of your alarm clock, and find that you’ve only been dreaming.

Cancer (June 21 - Jul 22): Upon receiving your history quiz, you’ll realize you’ve accidentally read the wrong textbook chapter, forcing you to completely BS your way through the quiz. Lo and behold, your teacher will greet you the next day by congratulating you on the only perfect score in your class.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21): Finding the entire parking lot full upon your arrival to school at 9:01 a.m., you’ll park awkwardly next to one of the large storage containers. You’ll think you’ll get away with it, only for your car to show up on @sihstyparkingjobs within the hour, and you’ll be told to move your car over the announcements in the middle of your science presentation.

Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22): Walking mindlessly through the halls, you’ll see a figure tumbling down the stairs out of the corner of your eye. Without thinking, you’ll turn to catch them, finding yourself holding your grateful crush in your arms.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21): After letting your eyes close for a smidge too long in class, you’ll wake up to find the room empty, the lights shut off, and the door locked. You’ll escape through the fire window, only to find that @ihs.caughtlacking has devoted an entire post to your record-breaking snooze.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22): Although you will fall asleep at your desk at home attempting to finish your oral presentation, you’ll be drawn last in the randomly-generated presentation order, giving you enough time to finish while your classmates present.

Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 22): You’ll be recruited to host IHS Connects, but after 17 unsuccessful takes, you still won’t be able to get the script right. The following Wednesday, you’ll be mortified to see that the entire video is a gag reel of your blunders.

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18): Stuck in the logjam that is the F-Building hallway, a rushing student will trip over the person behind you, spilling their entire school lunch tray over your brand-new (formerly) white shoes. Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20): After taking a long and painful dump in the disgusting school bathroom, you’ll finish after what feels like a torturous eternity. You’ll wash your hands and reach to open the door to get back to class, yet the door won’t budge—you’ll wait another two full periods before an administrator unlocks the bathroom.

Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20): At the end of a miserable week of using pencils, you’ll find your favorite pen, which you lost a week earlier, hiding under a lab table in your science class, relieving you from your suffering. Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19): Walking into your history class, you’ll be mortified to realize that a major project was due that day that you had no idea about. Mercifully, your teacher will give you a chocolate bar to console you and will exempt you from the project.

By Raas R. Mada

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