INNER LIGHT MInistries Journal
A Time To Rejoice
Volume 25 Number 1
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by Jim Gordon, President of ILM
(from Allowing God to Fill You Up, 11/1/05)
hen my brother died, there was this moment when I became aware that I was pulling all my energy into the Loving, and everything became quiet and peaceful. I actually felt a sense of joy bubbling up from within me. Immediately, I went into reaction and said, “Hey, wait a minute. My brother just died. I can’t be joyful.” Then, that still, small voice from within, that voice of God, came through my soul and said, “Why can’t you rejoice for someone who has completed the journey and no longer needs to be in the world? Why can’t you rejoice, for I rejoice that he has left his body and is coming Home. Rejoice. Sing a song. Be happy for him, for he is happy. Why not you?” I knew that I would be involved with the funeral arrangements and the rituals around death, and so as I drove up to my brother’s house and saw the police, the medics, the neighbor who’d found his body, I decided to bring forth what Spirit had just shared with me – to be joyous. They all were trying their best to console me. I was smiling and said, “I know he’s fine.” The police officer said, “Oh, no, your brother’s not fine.” I said, “I know. I get it, but I know he’s fine. I know his soul is fine, and he’s happy.” The officer turned to me and said, “I wish I had as much belief as you do.” I said, “I don’t have belief. I know it.” I knew he was fine, and the rest of the journey with my brother and the family was very joyful in many ways. I shared with them what my brother and I had talked about regarding Spirit, his faith, his beliefs, and that helped the family to enter into joy for his passing. His body was cremated; I had thought his son and daughters would want part of his ashes to take home with them, but they felt complete and did not want them. So, I kept them. Years later, Brian and I went out and scattered his ashes in the river. I had already released my brother in joy years before, so it was just a
April, 2013
nice release of the physical, a completion of the journey. Although ritual is not important to the soul, it can be helpful to the physical and emotional consciousness. At the time of my brother’s death, I realized how important a funeral or scattering of the ashes really are for many people. These kinds of rituals help us to say good-bye, offering a way to share an expression of our loving, and a way to share with others that quality of giving and receiving. It can also help bring things to a closure inside oneself, as well as opening up doors to continue with our own journey, freeing whatever needs to be released at that time. A few weeks after my brother’s death I decided to go back to church. I hadn’t been to a church service in years. I sat close to the front and sang and prayed. I really got into that process of the outer ritual of service in the world. It was uplifting to be in that atmosphere, to share in the community in a way that focused on one thing, and that was on God. People were putting God first and they were coming together to worship Him. It was wonderful to be in that energy, in that consciousness. As I left the church, I had a sense of gratitude for all religious services that exist in the world and how they truly serve humanity in a very wonderful way, both for the individual and the community. Funerals, scattering of ashes, attending church, or even when we are in our own home lighting a candle to meditate or listening to a meditation CD – these outer rituals can be very helpful in bringing our attention centered. They can help us become more aware of that spiritual essence of our self and the Lord that resides within us. Being on the Path of Sound and Light takes us even further than the centered attention that rituals bring forth. In truth, we will never find God in a particular church, ritual, ceremony, book, mountaintop, etc. In truth, all we have to do is sit down anywhere in the world, close our eyes, go inside, look up to the seat of the soul and see the light of our own soul shining and radiating forward within us right now, blessing us, and assisting us on our own journey as we walk through each day.
Go With The Flow
D
by Brian Yeakey, Vice President of ILM
irritable, stressed, overwhelmed, angry, depressed, judgmental, out-of-balance, and our bodies may even develop an illness. It’s good to understand this because then we can say, “It feels like the dam’s backing up. I’m feeling stuck. I’m feeling wrong (or whatever the feeling is), and what I need to do right now is get the energy going again. So, what can I do?”
(from England Retreat, 10/26/12)
uring an ILM retreat, workshop, a Sunday class, or a gathering, Jim and I aren’t just sitting in front of the group lecturing; we’re assisting in moving the energy. The Q & A’s that we do are real interactions, they’re experiential, and experience is really the key. The experience moves the energy, and those blocks that have stopped the movement of Loving in the past now drop away, and we come back into the flow of Spirit. When Jim and I talk about getting into the river of Loving, it is because that river will carry us through life.
The dam can only hold as much water as its container so when the water rises, it’ll overflow, and eventually, the force of the water will break the dam’s wall. What we have to understand is that the more energy we have backed up, the bigger the event will be when our dam finally breaks! We’ll experience it more emotionally, mentally, and physically because all of that energy that backed up is now rushing through. The good news is that once the dam breaks, the energy is moving again and everything will eventually calm down, come back to its ordinary course, back into balance, and that’s when we’ll experience the flow of Spirit again.
Sometimes I throw out teasing comments like, “Oh, no! You did it wrong!” I know that when I say things, even in a playful way like that, it’s still going to stir things inside us. I do this so it gets us to question and work with the blocks that are in the way of getting clarity and living the Loving. The journey becomes painful and challenging when we get bogged down, when the energy becomes stagnant. So when I stir things up with playful comments, it’s because I want to keep the energy moving. A big key of being on this pathway, both spiritually and physically, is to keep moving so that we get to wherever it is we want to go. And in this case, we’re going towards God.
Judging the experience is what stops us and causes us pain. Don’t worry if the experience is good or bad, positive or negative. We will experience the bad as well as the good, and if we can learn to let the energy move just as a level of Loving, accepting it all, the energy will keep on moving. Learn to say, “Thank you for this ‘negative’ or ‘positive’ experience because in this experience, I’ve learned something about my soul’s journey, my journey of Loving.”
So many of us fear doing “it” wrong, and we judge ourselves negatively. That judging is actually what stops us from moving forward, regardless if what we’re doing is “right” or “wrong.” Being in judgment comes from a place of feeling scared, fearful, and because we don’t want to do “it wrong,” we’ll often not do anything at all. That’s when the energy stops, backs up inside of us, and begins to create imbalances and disturbances.
That’s all it is – our journey of Loving, but those judgments that run rampant do their best at trying to stop our journey. We have to be ever vigilant with keeping our focus on simply having an experience without attachment to the outcome. Ideally, we want to get to that point where we’re not attaching any kind of judgment to our experience, good or bad, and are simply allowing the experience to keep moving the energy. Whenever and wherever we begin to dam up the energy, that’s also where we’ll find the lessons in our lives, which are ultimately about finding ways in which to keep all the blocked energy moving and letting go so that we have a clear pathway Home to God.
Think of a river’s dam – the dam stops the river from flowing. That’s its purpose, to contain the water. Anytime our thoughts and feelings send us into reaction, we’ll often try to contain that reaction, but in doing so we’ve just blocked the flow of Spirit. “Damn it!” we say, and the flow of Spirit within our consciousness is now backing up. Some of the signs of damming are feeling
So, Go with the flow! 2
I nner L ight M inistries
Calendar
Classes & Programs: Spring – Summer ‘13 Presented by Jim Gordon and Brian Yeakey in Austin, Texas:
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For additional information, call 512-306-1056.
onthly Classes: Jim and Brian’s class is held once a month on the following Sundays (see schedule below and please note time for each class), at their home at 203 Buckeye Trail, Austin, TX.
Monthly classes include spiritual teachings, Q&A, and meditation. Jim and Brian assist participants to become more deeply aware of the Spirit within. No charge.
Sundays: APR 14
–
Potluck: (Bring a dish to share.) 12-1:30 pm & Class with Q&A: 1:30-6 pm*
MAY 5
–
Potluck: (Bring a dish to share.) 12-1:30 pm & Class with Q&A: 1:30-6 pm*
JUN 23
–
Potluck: (Bring a dish to share.) 12-1:30 pm & Class with Q&A: 1:30-6 pm*
JUL 14
–
Class: 2-4 pm (Recorded meditation and talk.)
AUG 18
–
Class: 2-4 pm (Recorded meditation and talk.)
For additional information, call Laura Doggett at 512-306-1056.
* Ending times are approximate.
(ILM Calendar continues on pages 4-9)
Send Us Your Email Address, Choose Green Journals, and Update Mail Since we are doing our best to communicate with our ILM members through the internet, please send
(or update) your email address to your local representative, or to Laura Doggett at ilmadmin@ilm.org.
Also, if you would like to forego the paper route and published please let us know. Each time a new send an email notification with a link to download email address and put “Choose Green Journal”
receive an email notification when the ILM Journal is Journal becomes available (3 times per year) we will the latest Journal in PDF format. Send us your in the subject to ilmadmin@ilm.org.
Finally, if we don’t have your mailing address, or you’ve had any recent address changes, please notify your local representative or email that information to ilmadmin@ilm.org. 3
Experiencing The Divine – A Meditative Retreat
facilitated by Jim Gordon and Brian Yeakey
2013
Fort Wayne:
May 22-26
Lindenwood Conference & Retreat Center, 9601 Union Rd, Donaldson, IN: (about 90 minutes west of Ft. Wayne, off U.S. 30 West, near Plymouth, IN)
Time Of Event: Wednesday: Arrival/Check-in 4 pm and Guest Orientation at 5 pm. Opening dinner at 5:30 pm and Intro & Sharing from 7-10 pm.* The retreat ends Sunday at 3 pm.*
Cost: $50/person deposit is required to register. $350/person for double occupancy $425/person for single occupancy (limited availability)
Please make sure you have registered and paid the balance of your registration fee on or before May 1.
To register and for further information contact Steven McAfee at 260-485-2167 or e-mail stevenmcafee@ilm.org.
July 17-21
Hawaii:
Time Of Event: Wednesday at 4 pm thru Sunday at 3 pm.* at Saint Anthony’s Retreat Center, Honolulu, Hawaii
Cost: $50/person deposit is required to register. Double Occupancy (per person) - $375
To register contact Laura Doggett at 512-306-1056 or e-mail ilmadmin@ilm.org.
England:
October 16-20
Time Of Event: Wednesday at 4 pm thru Sunday at 3 pm.* at Dunford House, Heyshott, Midhurst, West Sussex
Cost: £50/person deposit is required to register. Single Occupancy - £370, Double Occupancy (per person) - £335 For more information contact Susanne Cook at 44 1444 871316. To register contact Laura Doggett at 512-306-1056 or e-mail ilmadmin@ilm.org. (If you would like to support ILM’s Scholarship Fund, please see the back page regarding donations.)
* These ending times are approximate. 44
(ILM Calendar continues on next page)
in Michigan and in Indiana
ILM presents:
Kalamazoo:
Saturday, May 18 Open Meeting
with
Jim Gordon and Brian Yeakey Time of Event: 1:30-6 pm*
Where: Kalamazoo Center for the Healing Arts
Tuesday, May 21 Study Group
Potluck & Sharing with Jim and Brian Time of Event: 5:30-8:30 pm* Where: 4715 Thistle Mill Court, Kalamazoo For further information contact Judy Richards at 269-349-3943 or e-mail e-mail jg.richards@charter.net. jg.richards@charter.net.
Fort Wayne:
Friday, May 31- Saturday, June 1 Potluck & Open Meeting with Jim and Brian
Time of Event: Friday: Potluck & Open Meeting from 6-9:30 pm Saturday: Day-long Open Meeting from 9-12 and 2-6:30 pm* Where: ILM Midwest Center, 220 Insurance Drive, Suite F, Ft. Wayne
Tuesday, May 28 and June 4 Tuesday Classes with Jim and Brian Time of Event: 7-9:30 pm* (Reception after) Where: ILM Midwest Center Donation
For further information contact Steven McAfee at 260-485-2167 or email stevenmcafee@ilm.org. * These ending times are approximate. 5
(ILM Calendar continues on next page)
ILM presents:
Saturday, July 13
in Hawaii
Potluck, Sharing and Q&A with with Jim im and Brian rian
Time ime of of Event vent: Potluck otluck 12 noon-1:30 pm Sharing haring and and Q&A 1:30-6 pm* Where here: Kelsie & Donogh McSherry’s home at 59-586 Pupukea Road, Haleiwa, HI
For directions or further information please call Kelsie at (H) 808-285-6624.
Sunday, July 14 Sharing and Q&A with Jim and Brian
Time of Event: Sharing and Q&A 1-6 pm*
Where here: Nadine adine Ferraro erraro’ss Home ome, 2703 Terrace errace Drive rive, Honolulu onolulu Please contact Nadine at 808-988-7509 for information and directions.
July 17-21 Experiencing The Divine – A Meditative Retreat with Jim im and Brian rian
See ee page page 4 for for more more information information.
Saturday, July 27 Sharing and Q&A with Jim and Brian
Time of Event: Sharing and Q&A 1-6 pm* Where here: TBA
* These ending times are approximate. 6
(ILM Calendar continues on next page)
I nner L ight M inistries Calendar in Austin:
ILM Community Potluck Nights: These ILM community nights are intended for the community to gather together in loving friendship at Laura Kesten’s home on the 1st Saturday of every month for fun, laughter, and great food. We’ll either just be together in a social gathering, or we’ll play games or watch a movie. Everyone is welcome. Bring a dish if you want to add to the potluck. Starts 5-5:30 pm. 13210 Calf Roping Trail, Austin Park on the street or at the pool/park and walk a short block APR 6, MAY 4, JUN 1, JUL 6, AUG 3, SEP 7, OCT 5, NOV 2, DEC 7 For additional information, call Laura Kesten at 512-323-2058 or 512-658-4117, or email laurakesten@ilm.org.
July 4th Celebration Thursday, July 4th
Potluck beginning at 6 pm
at Bill Stratton’s home, 3124 Flinders Reef Lane, Austin. It’s a weenie roast! Bring a side dish or dessert. Later we’ll enjoy the Fireworks display from the front yard. (Please bring a folding chair if you have one.) If you want to bring and shoot fireworks, or sing, play the guitar, do magic tricks, or come in costume — all is welcome! RSVP by July 1st. Contact Bill at 512-388-7350 or email billstratton@ilm.org. (ILM Calendar continues on next page)
A
lways look to the Loving, because eventually the Loving will awaken you. Have yourself a good laugh. Begin to laugh at life. Laugh in the face of death. Laugh in the face of your most awful fears that run within you. Begin to laugh, because that is where you will begin to shake those realms of illusion that are living within you. The shaking that takes place in the laughter is one of the greatest services that you can do for yourself. Laugh at the illusion. Laugh at the Truth. The Truth is Divine. It is joy, and it’s humorous. The true child of God is laughter, joyfulness ... the child of God is Divine Beingness in expression. – Brian Yeakey
7
I nner L ight M inistries Calendar Presented by Steven McAfee, Midwest Coordinator:
For additional information, call Steven at 260-485-2167 or e-mail stevenmcafee@ilm.org. uesday Class Series: Steven offers a series of weekly ILM classes in Fort Wayne on Tuesday T nights from 7-8:30 pm at the ILM Midwest Center. The classes are open to anyone, and are intended to
awaken and inspire our loving devotion to God. No charge. Donations are welcome.
V
S pecial ideo Conferences: Live from Austin! Special live video presentations with Jim and Brian via the magic of technology! See YOU at the ILM Center. APR 9, AUG 6, OCT 1
7-9:30 pm
ILM Midwest Center
Donation
C
: More fun community events are on their way! Please RSVP the ILM ommunity Nights week before so we can plan appropriately. AUG 3
7-10 pm
Activity TBA
ILM Midwest Center
Child At Heart: This program is an opportunity for children and the people who love them to come participate in fun activities together in ILM. MAR 30
2-4 pm
EGG-stravaganza
ILM Midwest Center
Donation
S -S – The 2013 WTP program will be devoted to T P : AY W studying the Path of Sound and Light in ancient Jewish and Christian texts. The studies will include alking
he
ath
ear of
elf
tudy
selections from the Bible, Kabbalah, and the Gnostic writings. In addition to the regular Sunday afternoon monthly meetings, there will be periodic day-long Saturday workshops. While the program is designed as a year-long study, it is NOT necessary or required to attend every month to benefit from it. No charge. APR 7, MAY 5, JUL 7, AUG 4, SEP 1 SEP 2 J B E See page 4 and 5 for more information. vents with
im and
rian:
2-4:30 pm 12-4 pm
ILM Midwest Center Location TBA
Donation
Retreat: Space is limited and advance registration is required.
May 22-26 Experiencing The Divine Retreat Lindenwood Conference & Retreat Center See pg 4 May 28 & 31, JUN 1 & 4 Sharings ILM Midwest Center See pg 5
S
unday S ervices: Steven occasionally serves as a guest speaker at various churches and spiritual groups in the Midwest. Please call Steven for more information.
APR 21, JUL 21, APR 28, AUG 25
10:30 am 11 am
Unity (music only) Brigade of Light, Ft. Wayne
Donation Donation
(ILM Worldwide Calendar continues on next page)
T
he nature of the mind is to always look • • elsewhere for satisfaction; The nature of soul is to love what is present. – Steven McAfee
8
I nner L ight M inistries Calendar Community ILM Meetings
•
Kalamazoo:
and
Events Worldwide:
Call Judy Richards at 269-349-3943 or e-mail jg.richards@charter.net.
S G : Please Note The Change In Days and Times We Are Meeting: Tuesday T Study Group meetings will be on Sundays! Also, the meetings are now combined with a potluck each month uesday
tudy
roup
– yummy!! Call Judy Richards at 269-349-3943 or e-mail jg.richards@charter.net for more information. APR 28
12:30-4 pm
•
4715 Thistle Mill Court
No charge
Sharings with Jim and Brian MAY 18 MAY 21
•
1:30-6 pm Sharing 5:30-8:30 pm Potluck & Sharing
Dallas:
Kalamazoo Center for Healing Arts 4715 Thistle Mill Court
See pg 5 See pg 5
Call Jason Baker at 972-571-8511 for dates, times and directions.
: Each meeting will consist of a short meditation and listening to a class CD by Jim and M Brian. If interested please check with Jason for the most current date, time, and location. eeting
•
Deerfield Beach: Call Victoria Eng at 310-980-2224 to RSVP and get dates and directions.
: The focus of each evening is on spiritual awakening and connecting to the Loving through M listening to an ILM meditation and talk by Jim and Brian. eeting
Alternate Wednesdays
•
Deerfield Beach, Florida
No charge
Hawaii: Call the contact person for the following events.
1. Call Nadine Ferraro at 808-988-7509, or 551-3123 (cell) for directions. eeting: Join us in a one-hour ILM meditation followed by a community gathering.
M
Mondays
6 pm
6-7:30 pm
Manoa Valley, Honolulu
No charge
2. Call Brian Samo Ross at 808-247-3305 or 554-3305 (cell) for directions. eeting: Join us for a Jim and Brian meditation and talk followed by a potluck.
M
2nd Sunday
10 am
Kaneohe, Oahu
No charge
3. Call Kelsie and Donogh McSherry at 808-638-0380 for directions. eeting: Join us for a Jim and Brian half hour talk and half hour meditation followed by a potluck.
M
3rd Sunday
•
4-6:30 pm
London, England:
North Shore of Oahu
No charge
Call Nanna Brincker at 0207-485-0699 for directions.
: Join us for a 2-hour meditation at 42A Montpelier Grove London NW5 2XE, or join us M on skype at 4 pm for the meditation (please log on 10 minutes before). Please let Nanna know your skype eeting
name. APR 14, MAY 12, JUN 2 & 23, JUL 14, AUG 11 (Sundays) 9
4 pm
No charge
ILM Pic Picks of 2012
Austin:
ILM Meetings
Community Night
Shopping for Coins For Kids
Christmas Party
Hawaii:
Experiencing The Divine
10
July 4th
Coins For Kids Receipts
ILM Pic Picks of 2012 continued
Midwest:
ILM Meetings
Community Night
Experiencing The Divine Coins For Kids
Christmas Party
England:
Experiencing The Divine
11
New CD - The Greater Action Of Freedom And Liberation Excerpt:
W
e were created out of one Light, out of one Sound. God spoke and said, “Let there be Light.” That first Light is the Light of you - the Soul. We are one Light, one action, one creation, and one Soul.
All I have to do is look up and see the Light of my own Soul, and then I can look out here in creation and see that same essence inside you. If I can wake up and know the Light of my own soul, you can know the Light of your soul. Our souls are one and the same. There is no separation in the truth of who we are as Soul, as who we are as the Light of God. The action that Brian and I are doing together now is an action of Loving that we will continue to share with you, supporting you in moving forward in waking up to the greater truth of who you are as Soul, ever reminding you of the simplicity of this pathway. – Jim Gordon
Welcome to Inner Light Ministries Introductory Packet In this packet you will find ILM’s book Love and Loving,
the CD: An Introduction To ILM, the CD: Understanding The ‘Inner’ Pathway, the CD: Lotus Meditation, ILM’s brochure: Inner Light Ministries Guidelines For Initiation And Initiates, and a copy of our latest newsletter.
All of these materials have been selected to give a newcomer a better understanding of who we are and what we’re about. If you would like an Introductory Packet for yourself or someone else, just let us know. Call us, email us, or write us! Feel free to take a look at our website too: www.ilm.org (see more information below). We are happy to do what we can to assist you on your spiritual journey. Blessings of Peace, Joy and Loving To You! – Jim Gordon, Brian Yeakey, and the ILM Staff
ILM.org — the Inner Light Ministries Website
• • • • •
Jim and Brian’s Spiritual Sharings – listen on-line or download to your computer or MP3 ILM Journals – the most recent issue as well as archives Calendar of Events – find out what’s going on by geographic location or by minister Order CDs – you can get any and all of ILM’s CDs online “Initiates Only” section – find out about Initiates events and listen to talks for Initiates
Initiate’s Handbook Initiates, remember to check out the Initiate’s Handbook in the Initiates Only section of the website. Whether you are newly initiated or 10 a long-time initiate, this most current version of the Handbook contains information that will be of special significance to you on your daily walk on the Path. Check out our recently updated http://www.ILM.org today!
Q& A
with Jim and
Q:
Brian
(Taken from Q & A class session of 12/09/12)
I have a question about how I “allow” people who have really strong negative energy to shake me, and then suddenly I don’t have that internal confidence, that alignment with Spirit where I feel strong in who I am. Instead, I turn into a “little girl” where I feel insecure, unable to think and do things for myself. I know that whole thing to love and accept and forgive it, but…
begin by going inside and forgiving yourself for where that imbalance is, where it is you go into reaction, and by healing it, you can begin to choose and live more in action. Again, you may just have to say, “You know, I don’t need to be here. This isn’t what I need to be doing. I deserve something different.”
A: (Jim)
You can’t heal others; you can only heal yourself. You can only change the situation by you changing it.
Q:
It’s wonderful when someone wants to really heal and grow with you, but a lot of people just don’t want to and they won’t even make an effort. It’s important to know when to just walk away.
You want to pay attention and realize that that’s how others gain control, that’s their power over you. You want to get your power back…
A: (Brian)
Yes.
A: (Jim)
….so they don’t have that power over you anymore. You have to find a way to not react to what they’re doing. They’re putting their power out to stir you, to throw you off your center, and if they succeed, if they can get you to go into reaction, they then get power over you, and they win. So you have to find a way to stay in action, so you listen, you respond, but you don’t react.
(Jim) We have to realize that we’re all in this world for experience, all of us, but we aren’t all here for the same experience. We’re all going different directions. A lot of people are focused down and out in the world, and down and out takes us on many different journeys. Very few people are really and truly walking inward and upward to get back Home to God. To do that, we have to let go of all this outer focus and start going inward and upward towards God.
So how do you respond? You can respond by just being silent, or you can respond by saying, “I hear you, but that’s not my truth.” Do something where you can keep centered and in action, and not go into reaction. Others can only control you if they can get you in reaction. You just shared it very clearly when you stated that you become a “little girl,” which is a reaction, it’s withdrawing, it’s a defense mechanism, protection, whatever you want to call it.
There are people who claim they are doing that, but are they living it? We must be living it, doing the meditation, connecting into that Loving, into that neutrality, living in that centeredness, and not living in the world. So you just look inside, be honest with yourself, and ask, “Ok. Now what do I want to do?” and just keep asking until you find a direct action that will answer what you need to be doing. Nobody can tell you what to do. You’ve got to decide.
Q:
There are times when I clearly say, “No, I won’t be doing that. No thank you,” and then there are times when I retract.
Q:
I actually got that when we were in meditation earlier.
A:
(Jim) It could be a word, a tone of their voice, the environment – you might not know what sets it off, but there’s something inside of you that is being set off and it takes you back to an event as a child when maybe your parents, or some other significant person in your life, tried to dominate or rule you through anger, fear, or however, and it continues to throw you off balance. That’s where LAF can really begin to heal all of that. You
A:
(Brian) You see, you got the answer. Spirit will often take us to what we have to do, so complete the lesson, learn it, take responsibility, take action. Other people aren’t going to do the lesson for you. They may be the reflection for you to learn the lesson, they may be the lesson giver, but it may not be their lesson to learn themselves. It’s up to you. 13
Who’s In Charge?
E
by Steven McAfee, ILM Minister
ver find yourself being tense inside, worrying about how something you’re responsible for is going to turn out? Ever find yourself sitting in judgment of your own spiritual progress? Ever believe that everything would be so much better if you were just in control of the situation? If you’ve had these kinds of worry as well as other worries, have you noticed how “worry” diminishes the joy in your life? I have.
went out to dinner, I was ultra-conscious of how my children were behaving. I always felt the pressure of wanting them to mind their manners and not disturb others. Because my attention was on the pressure I was feeling, I did not fully experience the joy of our time together. But as a grandparent – different story! When I dine out with my grandkids, I have a grand time! I’m awake to the joy we share just by being together. That does not mean, however, I allow them to misbehave. It simply means that, because I am not solely concentrating on their good/bad behavior, I feel free to participate more fully in the joyful experience we are having in the moment. As a grandparent, with many years of experience behind me, I’ve developed more confidence in the process of life. I realize that I do not have to be in constant control of everything for it to work out. Instead, I can sit back and relax into whatever the experience is that we’re having.
I’ve recently had two experiences that have given me powerful reference points in how to step out of this “worry” and into greater ease within myself. The first experience is when I officiated a memorial service of a friend of mine. Everything went smoothly. Many family members and friends came, the service was meaningful, and the sharing together was very touching. And yet, as the day was unfolding, I was anxious about making sure that every part of the service and the luncheon afterward went as planned. I felt responsible, and I was tense about it. The next day I attended another memorial service for a different friend at a nearby church. I was not in charge, but was assisting the minister. This, too, was a large gathering with live music and a slide show by the family, which had to be coordinated into the service. Many things had to be adjusted at the last minute. I noticed I was very relaxed inside. I realized that I was not seeing myself as being “in charge,” but rather witnessing Spirit in charge, and I was simply present to participate in whatever way I was asked. The voice of worry in my mind was quiet. In that quiet, I became aware of the greater sense of ease. When problems arose, I was able to suggest ideas that assisted the situation. This inner sense of ease allowed me the simple ability to see more clearly what needed to be done without adding any needless worry to my inner or outer process.
I realize now that I have been trying to “parent” my life – being ever anxious about what I am doing, trying to have it all under control, wanting everything to work out just so – as if I were an anxious parent having dinner with young children at a fine restaurant. So I’ve decided to start “grand-parenting” my life instead. I’ve decided to not constantly monitor myself to make sure that I’m behaving as a spiritual being “should.” I will still hold myself to the disciplines that I know are important on my spiritual journey, but without the tension of watching my every move with a judgmental eye. I will let go and relax into the loving journey of my soul with confidence that it is unfolding just as it is meant to unfold. I will worry less about whether I’m doing my spiritual path “right.” These actions will help to unblock and free me to experience more joy in my life, and I will appreciate more of the joy and the beauty of what my soul is experiencing now, today, in this moment. As my life continues to unfold, Spirit will always be my focus; all I have to do is be present and participate. And, every now and then, maybe give myself a cookie!
My second experience has been in noticing the difference in how I deal with being a grandparent versus a parent. As a young parent, I felt a pressure that often kept me from experiencing the joy in my activities with my children. For example, if we 14
Walking The Path
W
by Laura Kesten, ILM Minister
and deliberate action as in the story of the disciples; nonetheless, it is the very same action.
hen I was a little girl, maybe 4 or 5, I heard the story about Jesus walking through villages, calling out to certain men to leave everything behind, and come follow him. Willingly, they left their families, their loved ones, their trade, their homes, and walked with Jesus for they were the chosen ones to be his disciples.
For me, so much of my turning away from the world has been about letting go of the past. As I turned the corner on my neighborhood walk, I began looking at all the things I’ve let go of from my past, and how committed I continue to be to unravel these blocks whenever they show up. I remembered the many times I’ve walked away from that which did not serve me and blindly went forth trusting (in spite of me ‘shaking in my shoes’) that whatever was next was exactly what I needed to be doing for my soul’s liberation.
Late last night, as I was out walking my dog, Caper, this story suddenly came into my consciousness, and I remembered as a little girl asking my mother how they could have just left their mommies and sisters and everything they knew and loved behind. She said, “It’s because they knew that Jesus calling to them was far greater than anything in their lives.” Being raised Catholic we also talked about the priests and nuns who heard an inner calling and also gave up everything they were familiar with to walk this path as Jesus and the disciples had.
What was I walking towards? Where have all my experiences been taking me? The path I’ve walked each and every day is toward God; and even when it takes me a long time, or I divert away, or stumble back into an old pattern, or can’t let go as easily as I’d like, I’m still walking. I began to really understand that all these experiences, whether they made me feel happy or sad or scared, were all the experiences necessary for my growth and understanding. I saw all the new ways I’ve learned of loving, relating, and being. I turned away from everything I knew, all that was familiar to me, some of which I loved, and left it all behind. I left past relationships, angst from my childhood, jobs, careers, degrees, houses, the ocean, friends, dishonesty, blame, irresponsibility, wanting more, wishing I had something different, feeling I’m not enough – the list goes on and on, and while some of these things still show up from time to time, I now have tools in my toolbox to ever remind myself to lift my face and attention toward God, let those things that bind me in the world fall away once again, and keep walking the path.
The air was brisk last night. I shivered a bit and zipped up my jacket. As I picked up the pace, I remembered my mother telling me that the disciples left with just the clothes on their back and the sandals on their feet, and never looked back. I remembered saying to my mother with such incredulity, “I could never do that.” She said, “You might if he called to you.” For a long time after that conversation, I would ask God in my prayers to please not call me to leave everything I know and love behind. Ruminating about this memory on my walk, I realized that the story of Jesus and his disciples was really showing us how to walk away from all our attachments of what we think is important in our lives and in the world, and begin walking the path to God. The disciples turned away from the world and walked toward Jesus. The action was deliberate. Whether we are years into this journey of consciously walking this path or just beginning, our experience of turning away from the world and turning toward God are, in fact, doing the same walk as the disciples. It may not be the swift
Jesus called to his disciples to come walk with him, leave everything they knew and loved behind, follow him, and they would find eternal peace of their soul’s yearning for God’s Loving. So, be gentle with yourself when you think this path is hard, when you’re judging yourself and your progress. Being asked to turn away from everything we know here in the world is not easy, but know that you are doing it because you’ve been asked to, and you can continue to do so because of your loving devotion and God’s Grace. 15
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