caution: flammable self-assured valencia gomes

Caution: Flammable Self-assured

Their words are untrue. I want to defend myself. I’m always defending myself! Sometimes I wish I could let others inside my mind so they could see the truth. Do you understand now? I would ask after. But that is not possible in this world. In this world, I only have my words. So they speak, and their careless words light a fire inside of me. I desperately want to just let it go, but I can’t help it. The fire glows brighter with each passing second, its smoke filling my lungs. If I keep it in, I think I might suffocate. Suddenly, without a thought, my mouth is open. The smoke escapes, and with it my words. My voice is pitched three octaves higher, the siren of a firetruck that’s trying hard to put out the flames. This happens often. When it’s over, I’m the only one left with scars. Next time, I promise myself, I will stay quiet.

So next time comes, and I try it out. They’re talking. My insides are set aflame once again. My emotions are consuming me from inside-out. I can feel my heart racing, my blood pressure rising. But this time I tell myself not to say a thing. They continue talking. Are you hearing yourself? I want to scream. I want to interject as they spew ignorant nonsense. I want to stand up for myself as they judge me, misunderstand me, create a me that doesn’t exist. Deep breath in, hold, breathe out. I chant in my head, I let go, I release myself of others’ opinions of me. I can’t—I can’t do this. This happens so often you would think I would be over it, but still, I can’t help but think, Maybe I could try just one more time? Maybe this time they’ll understand? The words are out before I have a chance to think it over. I wonder later, Am I fueling the fire?

Are you hearing yourself? I want to scream. I want to interject as they spew ignorant nonsense.

I’m tired. Both from the fire that burns me, and the rescue that follows. I have no breath left. It feels like giving up, but I’ve already tried hundreds of times. I don’t think I could stand trying once more and failing. I am learning a hard lesson: people don’t change unless they want to; people will never understand unless they choose to open their hearts and their minds—

So when they open their mouths, when they start saying things that are untrue, things I’ve fought countless times over, I don’t react. Sometimes I can feel a spark light inside me when they start. But I take a deep breath in, suffocating it before it grows. To say there is peace in my mind would be a lie, but there is clarity: this is not a battle to be fought. There is no unnecessary fire to put out, no wounds to heal in the aftermath. I only fight when I know change can be made. For now, I let my emotions flow through me and out of me with each exhale. I know my truth and it’s enough. x

ART by YESENIA RODRIGUEZ WORDS by VALENCIA GOMES