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WHAT are the qualities of an engaged, present father? So many times we take our cue from our own parents, hoping that we’re getting it right. And other times, some sage advice, coupled with gut instincts, strikes it lucky.

We put this question to Durban-based counselling psychologist Claire Moore, and she responded with 10 qualities that make a great dad. LISTEN

EMPATHY

to your child, no matter the circumstances. Whether a child is talking nicely, screaming, shouting or crying, we need to pay attention to what they are trying to communicate to us. Children actually communicate most effectively when they are emotional. Many men struggle to deal with their kids’ emotions. To be a great dad, you need to set aside any discomfort you feel when your child is emotional and listen well.

QUALITIES

OF A GREAT DAD

Take the time to really listen

Empathising does not mean you have to always agree with your child or give in to them. It means that you put yourself in their shoes and see something from their perspective. Whatever your child is saying makes sense to them, and you need to understand how they are perceiving the situation before you can respond well. So often I hear dads getting annoyed with kids for having a different opinion or a supposedly irrational feeling, and telling their child that their perspective on a situation is wrong. That leaves them feeling unheard and misunderstood and often results in them digging in their heels. Before children will hear what you have to say, they need to know that you have understood that their feeling or

REFLECT

Reflecting is the skill of repeating back in paraphrase what someone has said to you. Children need to hear you explain to them what you have heard them say, and how you have understood their communication, before they will be able to listen to you. You also need to give them an opportunity to correct what you have heard them say, if you have misunderstood. Remember, you can understand their opinion and feelings,

TONE

and still disagree.

Children are extremely sensitive to tone of voice in their parents, particularly in their dads. Tone with children always needs to be “low, slow and soft” and then can be either gentle or firm, depending on the circumstances. When your tone is low in pitch, your pace of speaking is slow and your volume is soft it communicates loving authority to your child. When a parent’s voice becomes high pitched or fast paced, it communicates that the parent is almost emotional and it subconsciously gives the child “permission” to argue back. When the tone is loud or aggressive it creates fear in a child, and discourages them from communicating at all.

ACCEPTANCE Make time to spend with your children. During that time, be Children need to know consciously present with them. Engage that you love and accept them with them, doing something they like for who they are, even when you to do, or show an interest in their interests. are unhappy with their actions or Spending quality time with a child makes them if they are different from you. Always feel seen and valued. be conscious of separating your child’s Many dads are so busy trying to provide character from their behaviour, and financially for their children that they sometimes communicate to them that they are still good forget how important their time and attention enough, even when they have behaved badly. is to their child. Society and media gives us the

Let your child know that they are allowed message that a good dad is one that provides all to have their own identity and be open to the latest gadgets, the best house, or the nicest accepting things about them that you may not car. The reality is that your children will completely agree with. Most dads want what remember the time you spent with them is best for their kids, but sometimes in an far more that the gadget that got attempt to do what they think is best, they them out of your hair.

can inadvertently put pressure on their children to be “perfect”, or to be “just like them”. To be a great dad, remind

your child that you accept them AFFECTION

as a person, no matter what.

Children need affection in order to feel safe and loved. It is the earliest love language you can speak to your child, BOUNDARIES and it remains a powerful way to make your child feel nurtured and valued. Affection can Children need boundaries to feel safe and they need to know that their parents will consistently enforce those boundaries. They need to be told clearly what the rules are and what the consequences will be if they break those rules. However, they also need to know that the rules are what is best for them and that you love them, even when you are meting out punishment as a consequence. Many fathers find it difficult to be both loving and affectionate, as well as firm and take many different forms. From a simple hug and kiss, to cuddles in bed at night, to a lighthearted wrestling match with your child, to a pat on the head, it all counts. Some dads struggle to show physical affection to their children because of social messages that it is not manly, or it is a mother’s role. To be a great dad, demonstrate your love by showing your children physical affection. STABILITY Children need their parents, and their dads in particular, to be their rock; the people they can rely on most to keep them safe. Show your children that you are stable and that you are willing and able to cope with whatever troubles life consistent in discipline. There seems to be an throws at you. Make sure that all-or-nothing approach for some; either they are they know that you will be the good cop or the bad cop and it is hard to there if they need you. play both roles. Children need their parents to be able to deal out consequences Moore is a counselling psychologist specialising one minute and a hug the next, in family counselling, couples therapy and without backing down on the addictions. consequences.

AFFIRMATION

Praise your child, first for who they are, and then for the things they have done. Begin by praising their character. Tell them that they are kind, loving, honest, understanding of others, loyal, etc. Then, when you are sure that they know they are good enough as a person, you can tell them you are proud of their achievements or behaviours and that they are beautiful/handsome and intelligent. Many men were raised by fathers who tried to motivate them with criticism or fear, and dads often unknowingly perpetuate this parenting style. They fear that praising their children will make them complacent and less motivated to achieve. In reality, affirming a child creates confidence in themselves and their ability, and therefore builds a stable self-esteem and allows the child to achieve their potential.