MARCHELLE ABRAHAMS
QUALITIES OF A GREAT DAD
WHAT are the qualities of an engaged, present father? So many times we take our cue from our own parents, hoping that we’re getting it right. And other times, some sage advice, coupled with gut instincts, strikes it lucky. We put this question to Durban-based counselling psychologist Claire Moore, and she responded with 10 qualities that make a great dad.
LISTEN
EMPATHY
Take the time to really listen to your child, no matter the circumstances. Whether a child is talking nicely, screaming, shouting or crying, we need to pay attention to what they are trying to communicate to us. Children actually communicate most effectively when they are emotional. Many men struggle to deal with their kids’ emotions. To be a great dad, you need to set aside any discomfort you feel when your child is emotional and listen well.
Empathising does not mean you have to always agree with your child or give in to them. It means that you put yourself in their shoes and see something from their perspective. Whatever your child is saying makes sense to them, and you need to understand how they are perceiving the situation before you can respond well. So often I hear dads getting annoyed with kids for having a different opinion or a supposedly irrational feeling, and telling their child that their perspective on a situation is wrong. That leaves them feeling unheard and misunderstood and often results in them digging in their heels. Before children will hear what you have to say, they need to know that you have understood that their feeling or
TONE REFLECT Reflecting is the skill of repeating back in paraphrase what someone has said to you. Children need to hear you explain to them what you have heard them say, and how you have understood their communication, before they will be able to listen to you. You also need to give them an opportunity to correct what you have heard them say, if you have misunderstood. Remember, you can understand their opinion and feelings, and still disagree.
Children are extremely sensitive to tone of voice in their parents, particularly in their dads. Tone with children always needs to be “low, slow and soft” and then can be either gentle or firm, depending on the circumstances. When your tone is low in pitch, your pace of speaking is slow and your volume is soft it communicates loving authority to your child. When a parent’s voice becomes high pitched or fast paced, it communicates that the parent is almost emotional and it subconsciously gives the child “permission” to argue back. When the tone is loud or aggressive it creates fear in a child, and discourages them from communicating at all.
