The Queer Experience

In every edition of Queer+, we will be sharing stories of members of the LGBTQIA+ community and their experiences being members of this community in South Africa and the world at large.

LUCINDA DORDLEY, A 23-YEAR-OLD MULTIMEDIA CONTENT PRODUCER FROM CAPE TOWN SHARES HER EXPERIENCES A LESBIAN CISGENDER WOMAN.

HOW would you describe yourself?

I think the word that would best encapsulate all that I am is “growing”. I tend to be very loud because I’m easily enthused and believe that I should be able to express joy when I feel it. I try to be unapologetic about myself – my fatness, my queerness, how coloured I am – but I’m still working on that. I’ve made a lot of progress because I have spent a lot of time trying to make myself malleable for the comfort of others and I am tired of that. I am coming into my own, and it’s an interesting transitory period. For now, I cannot properly describe myself because I am in a constant state of flux and flow.

How old were you when you knew you were a part of the LGBTQIA community?

I think I’ve always known, but I spent a lot of time suppressing it. I had a phase as early as preschool when I wanted to be a boy. I dressed like one, spoke like one, emulated what I had codified as “masculine” behaviour, and pursued girls like one. Everybody brushed it off as a little tomboy phase, but I realised later on in life that my innocent 5-year-old brain made the connection that this was the only way that I could be with another girl. I went through something similar in my early teens as well, but I didn’t fully accept that I am a lesbian until I was about 21 years old. I had dated both men and women until then but realised that the connection simply did not feel the same in a heterosexual relationship as it did in a queer one.

What was the response like from your family and friends?

It’s been quite awkward with my family. A lot of the time, my sexuality isn’t acknowledged at all. When it is, there are often massive arguments. My mother finally seems to be

warming up to it, and I hate using that term, but we make do with what we get. She told me she was disappointed when she initially found out, and I have no idea of whether she still is. I don’t think it ever bothered my father – speaking about my love life still makes him feel as awkward as when I was bringing boys home. He was the first one to outright ask me if I were a lesbian when I was 11 years old, and I said no at the time because I was still questioning as well. My friends didn’t make a big deal when I came out to them, even when I started dating as a teen. There was ridicule from others because teenagers are mean and nasty, but not a mean word was ever said by my friends.

Were you scared to let others know about your sexuality and/or gender identity?

The only people I’ve ever been afraid to tell were my family. All my friends’ families knew I was queer before my own family did. My lecturers, employers, even my librarian knew I was a lesbian long before I even dared tell a family member. I felt like I was leading

a double life, and still sometimes feel like I am, as queerphobia is quite normalised among my relatives. I have a cousin who is queer as well, so for now, I take all the backlash so that they don’t have to if they decide to come out.

Can you tell us about the first time you experienced homophobia/transphobia/biphobia or queerphobia?

I honestly don’t remember the first instance, but I very vividly remember being at the matric camp in 2014 and telling a girl there that she looked pretty as we were going to bed. We were in a room filled with other girls, and one of them said: “Make sure you don’t sleep by Lucinda tonight. We’re not safe with someone like her around”. I didn’t know how to react, so I went to bed and pretended to be on my phone for a while.

What was it like being a member of the LGBTQIA community in the area you lived in?

Growing up in my particular neighbourhood in Stellenbosch was difficult. It was unstimulating. I never really identified with anyone around me there – everyone was happy and comfortable in their little bubble, unwilling to explore or venture off into the unknown, so I never really made the effort to build any lasting connections except for the one I have with my best friend. They’re still living there, and very queer, but we’ve had very different experiences in the same neighbourhood. I ran away to Cape Town’s CBD as much as I could, even crashing on a friend’s couch for an extended period to escape the noose of Stellenbosch. I was unhappy there and knew I never would be if I stayed. There was freedom in Cape Town, to be with others like me, so I worked hard to be able to afford to move.

What is it currently like for you?

I’ve crashed on a couch in Zonnebloem for almost a year, I’ve spent a year living in an all-queer apartment in Observatory and now I’ve branched out to live by myself in Harfield Village. I’ve come to realise that no matter what the geographical distance is between me and the city, the community remains the same. You get to choose who you surround yourself with, and I am grateful that I’ve made the friends that I have because some of them have become better family to me than my own blood. I’m more content than I’ve been in a while, and I know a large part of that is attributed to the freedom of no longer living in Stellenbosch.

THE QUEER EXPERIENCE

THE QUEER EXPERIENCE

ROWAN RORY ROMAN, A 27-YEAR-OLD EDUCATOR FROM CAPE TOWN SHARES HIS EXPERIENCES AS A PANSEXUAL CISGENDER MALE.

HOW old were you when you knew you were a part of the LGBTQIA community ?

Not sure the exact age but I started questioning in my late teens and early twenties.

What was the response like from your family and friends?

I didn’t really request a response from them to be honest because I have no control over that... their response is theirs. I have supportive people in my life because those who weren’t supportive left.

Were you scared to let others know about your sexuality and/or gender identity?

As a teenager yes. As a twentysomething, no. I couldn’t care less.

Can you tell us about the first time you experienced homophobia/ transphobia/biphobia or queerphobia?

Homophobia and biphobia both in and out of the community; too many to remember, if I’m allowed to be honest.

What was it like being a member of the LGBTQIA community in the area you lived in?

In Observatory the LGBTQIA community ran that place! It was art. It was love, understanding, acceptance and belonging.

How would you describe your overall experience as a member of the LGBTQIA community?

It’s been an interesting journey and no shade to the parade – we could treat each other better. I’m proud to be part of the community and I always will be.