THE QUEER EXPERIENCE
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LUCINDA DORDLEY, A 23-YEAR-OLD MULTIMEDIA CONTENT PRODUCER FROM CAPE TOWN SHARES HER EXPERIENCES A LESBIAN CISGENDER WOMAN. HOW would you describe yourself? I think the word that would best encapsulate all that I am is “growing”. I tend to be very loud because I’m easily enthused and believe that I should be able to express joy when I feel it. I try to be unapologetic about myself – my fatness, my queerness, how coloured I am – but I’m still working on that. I’ve made a lot of progress because I have spent a lot of time trying to make myself malleable for the comfort of others and I am tired of that. I am coming into my own, and it’s an interesting transitory period. For now, I cannot properly describe myself because I am in a constant state of flux and flow. How old were you when you knew you were a part of the LGBTQIA community? I think I’ve always known, but I spent a lot of time suppressing it. I had a phase as early as preschool when I wanted to be a boy. I dressed like one, spoke like one, emulated what I had codified as “masculine” behaviour, and pursued girls like one. Everybody brushed it off as a little tomboy phase, but I realised later on in life that my innocent 5-year-old brain made the connection that this was the only way that I could be with another girl. I went through something similar in my early teens as well, but I didn’t fully accept that I am a lesbian until I was about 21 years old. I had dated both men and women until then but realised that the connection simply did not feel the same in a heterosexual relationship as it did in a queer one. What was the response like from your family and friends? It’s been quite awkward with my family. A lot of the time, my sexuality isn’t acknowledged at all. When it is, there are often massive arguments. My mother finally seems to be
warming up to it, and I hate using that term, but we make do with what we get. She told me she was disappointed when she initially found out, and I have no idea of whether she still is. I don’t think it ever bothered my father – speaking about my love life still makes him feel as awkward as when I was bringing boys home. He was the first one to outright ask me if I were a lesbian when I was 11 years old, and I said no at the time because I was still questioning as well. My friends didn’t make a big deal when I came out to them, even when I started dating as a teen. There was ridicule from others because teenagers are mean and nasty, but not a mean word was ever said by my friends. Were you scared to let others know about your sexuality and/or gender identity? The only people I’ve ever been afraid to tell were my family. All my friends’ families knew I was queer before my own family did. My lecturers, employers, even my librarian knew I was a lesbian long before I even dared tell a family member. I felt like I was leading
