MANAGING CONFLICT USING ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION SKILLS
What is efficient communication?
What is efficient communication? • We communicate efficiently when: We express our own emotions and opinions We understand the other person’s opinion and emotions. We treat others with respect, and ask respect from others
= ASSERTIVE communication
Inefficient communication is when: • We do not express our emotions and opinions • We give up our opinions easily, and let others intimidate us • We don’t ask others for respect = PASSIVE Communication
Inefficient communication is when: • We express our opinions in an aggressive or demanding way • We don’t consider other person‘ opinions and emotions • We don’t treat other people with respect = AGGRESSIVE Communication
Passive – Assertive – Aggressive
Why use assertive communication? • The other person is more likely to listen to us and understand us • Positive emotions (we feel better) • We create healthy relationships, based on trust and clear personal limits
Example Gary &Â Brooke
3 steps to assertive communication:
1. Goal setting for the interaction 2. Unconditional acceptance 3. Criticizing specific behaviors
3 steps to assertive communication:
1. Goal setting for the interaction 2. Unconditional acceptance 3. Criticizing specific behaviors
1. Goal setting for the interaction • What do I want to achieve? – I want other people to do what I want – I want to have a good relationship, to get along (if possible)
• Inefficient goals: – I want to convince the other person – Who’s right? Who’s to blame? – “I want you to want to do it”
3 steps to assertive communication:
1. Goal setting for the interaction 2. Unconditional acceptance 3. Criticizing specific behaviors
2. Unconditional acceptance • “I’m an imperfect human being, I accept my mistakes, without making up excuses.” • I never rate myself as a whole, only rating my behaviors. • People can only see and judge my behavior (even if they sometimes use labels): • “I don’t have a problem with you as a person, but with your behavior in this/that situation”
Assertive rights
I have the right to ask anything from anybody, as long as I recognize his/her right to say No.
Often, in our interactions, the assertive rights are not obvious/known. I have the right to discuss them with the persons involved.
I have the right to change my mind.
I have the right to make mistakes, and assume responsibility for them, without blaming myself.
I have the right to not know the reasons for my behavior, I don’t have to justify it (but I am responsible for what I do)
I have the right to make illogical or irrational decisions.
I have the right to say No, I don’t know or I’m not interested.
I have the right to do anything, as long as I don’t infringe on the rights of others.
3 steps to assertive communication:
1. Goal setting for the interaction 2. Unconditional acceptance 3. Criticizing specific behaviors
3. Criticizing specific behaviors
• We are influenced only by what other people do, not what they think or feel (!!) • Ask or criticize specific, concrete behaviors, do not generalize • Do not try to justify your opinion – Not an argument but a negotiation • It is essential to appreciate (give rewards) other people’s efforts to do what we asked
2 3
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I accept myself as an imperfect person (I admit my mistakes, without finding excuses) I understand that people never judge me, but my behavior
• • •
I’m affected only by other’s behavior (not his opinions or emotions) I can get what I want only if I ask for specific behaviors People will continue to make an effort only if I appreciate their attempts
GOALS
What do I want from the interaction? It doesn't matter who’s right! (that’s not the purpose) What matters is to get along better together (or apart)
SELF ACC.
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• • •
SPECIFIC
Summary
Bottom line: • Appreciate more other people’s efforts.
• Be the first to say thank you.
Thank you for your attention!