teens a nd t w eens Overcoming on the Spot Pressure Answers for Some Tough Questions Your “What’s your name?” “How old are you?” “What sport do you play?” Kids learn early on that questions are a means of communicating with peers, a way for their needs to be discovered, a way for other people to get to know them child may never feel and a way for them to get to know themselves. completely comfortable being asked questions like “Where’s your dad?” but he may discover, in answering them confidently, not just a way out of an uncomfortable situation, but also an oppor- But not all questions that kids ask each other have easy answers. With their natural curiosity and still-developing social skills, kids often ask questions about personal or sensitive matters. Young teens who live in single-parent households may face more than their share of uncomfortable questions from their peers— questions like “Why doesn’t your mom live with you?” or “Where’s your dad?” Although it is more and more common for families to come in different configurations and sizes himself with others. these days, these questions can still be tough for kids most of whose friends or classmates live in traditional two-parent families. When everyone else comes to Open House Night flanked by a mom and a dad, a child with only one parent in tow may already feel selfconscious. Questions like, “Where’s your dad?” though practically inevitable, can put a child on the spot. tunity to share something about Since we’d gone to different high schools and lost touch, I didn’t know until I was getting ready to leave for St. Louis that one of my Rockwern [Yavneh] friends was attending the same university. At a small grade school like ours, you have the potential to make really good friends. It was easy to reconnect at Washington University – Rachel Shapiro and I just pick up where we left off. Rachel, who is now an attorney, recently moved here to Chicago so we still see each other.” — Arielle Sandler ’93, Washington University in St. Louis ’03, an award-winning ﬁne artist whose paintings have been featured in ﬁlm and television Here are some suggestions for preparing children who live in single-parent households to handle questions like these: Rehearse answers to uncomfortable questions with your child. Practicing how to handle these situations with you will help build her confidence. If she can master the challenge in a safe environment first, it will give her more strength to take with her into the world outside of her home. Do some role-playing and give her the chance to take both sides, as both the questioning child and herself, while you take the other role. Think of one general answer that can apply to many questions that may come up. For example, questions such as, “Where’s your dad?” “Why doesn’t your mom live with you?” “Why did your parents get divorced?” or “Doesn’t your dad want to live with you?” can all be answered with something like, “My parents had problems getting along with each other, so they got divorced and live in separate houses. But the one thing they still agree on is that they both love me very much.” Or, “My dad lives in California because my parents got divorced. They couldn’t get along with each other very well, but they get along with me great.” Teach your child to recognize differences and to value diversity. Help him to see that everyone is different from other people in some ways, and that these differences are positive things. Help your young teen make a list of the people in his life and identify ways they are different from one another. Give examples of important, respected people who have been successful in their social or professional lives in spite of—or sometimes because of—their differences. Help your child to understand that life is enhanced by diversity and that society benefits from a variety of individual strengths and weaknesses. Help your child to accept and cope with her feelings of sadness or loss. Being asked questions about a missing parent can exacerbate feelings of sadness, loss or anger, or cause these feelings to resurface. Teach your child that experiencing her feelings is normal and expressing them out loud—whether to herself, to you or to trusted friends—can help keep them from overwhelming her. Give her ample opportunities to express her feelings at home. If she is having difficulty coping with her situation, seek out appropriate professional help. Find opportunities for your child to meet with other kids from single-parent families. Schools, faith organizations, counseling cen- ters and single-parent clubs can offer support groups and social activities for all members of single-parent families. Groups like these give your child a venue for sharing problems and feelings with other kids in similar circumstances. From them he can learn new coping skills, feel less alone and “different” and find out how other kids handle sensitive questions from their peers. School social workers can often suggest local support groups. Or, contact Rainbows (www.rainbows.org), a national organization providing peer support programs for children who have suffered the loss of a parent through death or divorce. Foster healthy self-esteem on a daily basis.The better your child feels about herself in general, the better she will be able to handle social discomfort or insensitive questions when they arise. Show your child unconditional love, emphasize her strengths rather than her weaknesses and help her accept imperfection in herself and others. Help her to understand that if the other kids see that she feels okay about living in a single parent family, it’s more likely that they will think it’s okay, too, and after their initial curiosity has been satisfied, they are likely to stop asking questions. Your child may never feel completely comfortable being asked questions like “Where’s your dad?” but he may discover, in answering them confidently, not just a way out of an uncomfortable situation, but also an opportunity to share something about himself with others. Lisa Schab is a licensed clinical social worker in Libertyville, Illinois, and the stepmother of two, ages 25 and 29. She can be reached at 847782-1722. It starts now Give them the world 8401 Montgomery Road Cincinnati, Ohio 45236 513.984.3770, ext. 3112 www.RockwernAcademy.org Greater Cincinnati’s PreK-8 Jewish community day school providing values-based education, serving children and their families across the spectrum of Jewish life. :>;885:3 2;> 88 >-01? w 50081 %/4;;8 1D<-:?5;: -@ @41 Z@4 3>-01 81B18 1C WV?@ 1:@A>E /8-??>;;9? 21-@A>5:3 ">;91@41-: /@5B1 ;->0? w %@-@1 ;2 @41 ->@ 31:1>;A?8E >1?;A>/10 ?/51:/1 8-.? w ] @; V ;> .1@@1> ?@A01:@ @1-/41> >-@5; w$1?<;:?5B1 B-8A1? .-?10 @1-/45:3 -<<>;-/4 C45/4 1:/;A>-31? /4580>1: @; .A580 -/-0195/ -:0 ?;/5-8 19;@5;:-8 /;9<1@1:/51? ?@->@5:3 -@ -31 W w 1.>1C 8-:3A-31 1C5?4 ?@A051? ">1 ] ;<@5;:-8 %<-:5?4 ?@A0E .135::5:3 > Z w ;:B1:51:@ ?<-/5;A? <->7 8571 /-9: ?@A01:@? @-75:3 @41 )-8:A@ 588? 1D-9 <-?? 5@ OPEN HOUSE JANUARY 25, 2009 1:00-4:00 CELEBRATING 10 YEARS OF CATHOLIC MONTESSORI EXCELLENCE • Offering pre-school through 8th grade • Student to teacher ratio (12:1) • Spanish beginning at pre-school 3x per week (513) 271-4171 www.qams.org 4460 Berwick Avenue 1/2 mile north of Mariemont Square CINCINNATIPARENT.COM 11