WE KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU…
MUCH ADO ABOUT BUTT
TIRED OF
FAT DUMMIES TEN QUESTIONS
BRUNO
COULDN'T ANSWER QUIT YOUR
W(H)INING
+
WILD SURVIVAL BEAUTY TIPS THE MUFFIN TOP FASHION DOLLZ
FASHION TRAGEDIES
OF PRESIDENTIAL ELECTIONS LOST
SEPTEMBER 2009
CONTENTS 24
18
42
30
>our insecurities
>hanging by a thread
8
38
FROM THE EDITOR
THE MUFFIN TOP
>hemlines
>insecurity blanket
10
40
11
12
14
16
ALL THAT OR NONE OF THAT 10 WORDS YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW… MAKING SURE YOUR UNDERPRETTIES ARE CLEAN 19TH CENTURY ILLNESSES TO CALL IN SICK WITH MUCH ADO ABOUT BUTT A SHAKESPEARE QUIZ
>rag times 18 24 30
QUIT YOUR W(H)INING TIRED OF FAT DUMMIES A GREEN GAL'S GROUNDKEEPER'S GIFT
>waxing poetic 34
42
46
54
MAKE YOUR OWN FASHION DOLLZ™ FASHION TRAGEDIES OF PRESIDENTIAL ELECTIONS LOST SIKE! GOSSIP THAT HAS ALREADY HAPPENED IS SO PASSÉ
>insecurious 48
I DO (BUT) I DON'T
>ragamuffin 50 51
BRUNO OR BUST A FASHION QUIZ WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU
>pages bleues 54
SPOTLIGHT: CHERIE SIMMONS
WILD SURVIVAL BEAUTY TIPS
>raggedy man 36
REBOUND GIRL
CONTENTS
5
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF DESIGN DIRECTOR EXECUTIVE EDITOR FASHION DIRECTOR EXECUTIVE MANAGING EDITOR DEPUTY EDITOR EDITORIAL BRAND DIRECTOR PHOTOGRAPHY DIRECTOR
MEET THE INSECURE TEAM BEAUTY ASSOCIATE BEAUTY EDITOR BEAUTY ASSISTANT
Penny Thurman Nice Reve
ART DIRECTOR GRAPHIC DESIGN ENTERTAINMENT DIRECTOR BEAUTY DIRECTOR DEPUTY ARTICLES EDITOR
FEATURES SENIOR EDITOR WRITING STAFF
ART DEPUTY ART DIRECTOR SENIOR DESIGNER DIGITAL IMAGE SPECIALIST ART MANAGER
Annette Riley Leland Burt Delora Rogowski Chandra Robbins
FASHION INTERPRETE HAUTE COUTURE FASHION AND ACCESSORIES MARKET DIRECTOR SENIOR FASHION MARKET EDITOR ACCESSORIES EDITOR FASHION ASSISTANT SENIOR FASHION EDITOR SENIOR BOOKING EDITOR FASHION EDITOR ASSOCIATE FASHION EDITOR
Neno Avendre Pat Parr Norma Chu Madison Hearst Tabitha Michelson Luther Evans Cara Polk Olive Wright Kellee June
Penelope Lawrence Eddie Fuentes Beatriz Romano Valasquez Anneler Stephen Barrett Tim Alford Tamara Ellison Clara T. Justin Michael Smith Justin Michael Smith Susan Wilson Sheryn Braun Selena Gleason
ASSOCIATE EDITOR EXECUTIVE ASST. TO EDITOR-IN-CHIEF EDITORIAL ASSISTANT MEDICAL ADVISORY BOARD
Harriet Bonaparte Rebecca Rhodus, Shawna Richardson, Jennifer Coosebury, Annabella Oreksya, Deirdre Trol-Stevens, Tabby Malloy, Margo Van Norte, Torie Baxley, Rosie Salazar, Kym Tyler-Donnelly, Annabelle Mason, Doreen Canasto, Debbie Kinkokan, Bretty Kyley, Lavontor Smith, Teri Foxx, Chatterly Pendleton, Anna Simone Sinclair, Roberta Anne Jackson Mike Granger Patrick Michaels Scottie Coffman Dr. Timothy Kirchhoefer
INSECURITYRAG.COM SENIOR WEB DEVELOPER WEB EDITOR BEAUTY EDITOR
Benjamin T. Haynes, Esquire Lucile Xiong Mauro Holcomb
PHOTO PRODUCER PHOTOGRAPHER HAIR AND MAKE-UP WARDROBE STYLING PROP STYLING SENIOR PHOTO EDITOR, RESEARCH PHOTO PRODUCTION ASSOCIATE ASSOCIATE EDITOR, RESEARCH COPY AND RESEARCH COPY AND RESEARCH DIRECTOR DEPUTY COPY CHIEF RESEARCH EDITOR COPY EDITOR
Clara T. Midori Sauer Bubba P. Meme Meeetropolis Dub P. Audrey Goldstein Kyle Dawson Corina Manchester Margarito Burroughs Tim Pulnik Jaques Barry Bettie Branch Frank Leischman
ADVERTISING & SALES ADVERTISING DIRECTOR DIRECTOR OF MARKETING STRATEGY EXECUTIVE BEAUTY DIRECTOR ADVERTISING SERVICES DIRECTOR
MARKETING & PROMOTION MARKETING DIRECTOR CREATIVE SERVICES DIRECTOR ART DIRECTOR PROMOTION DIRECTOR ASSOCIATE PROMOTION DIRECTOR SPECIAL PROJECTS MANAGER PROMOTION COORDINATOR
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INSECURITY R AG A Z I N E
Leo Stiles Jimmy Arlene Maureen Cooper Alfred Miles
Michelle Vincent Amy Gengler Laurel Holland Vikki Schnurr David LaCascia Marlena Pineda Milos Pellerin
>our insecurities
EDITOR
MUCH HAS BEEN WRITTEN ABOUT WOMEN and what we've accomplished. Nowadays, a woman can campaign for the presidency, lead the House of Representatives, run a Fortune 500 company or win the Iditarod with her eyes closed (wink). It's very easy to point to a woman and know "what" she is, but there's very little out there to tell us "who" she is. From this simple idea, the pages of Insecurity Ragazine were born. After my divorce was final, I started skimming through medical journals. Most of the articles I read pointed out the fact that scientists believe women don't know where 72.49 percent of their emotions come from. Let's just stop and think about that. Three quarters of our emotional base is unaccounted for. As Editor-in-Chief, it is my goal to lower that percentage by taking away a woman's "what", leaving you more time to define a woman's "who". 8
INSECURITY R AG A Z I N E
At Insecurity Ragazine, we're going to tell you where to shop, what to wear, who to talk to, who to sleep with, how to sleep with them and when to pee. In these pages you’ll discover what bitchy name to call your best friend, what kind of recycled paper to blow your nose with, twenty new places to put your foot powder, and most importantly, when to be quiet and listen to the person you love. We'll clear away of all of life's extraneous little blunders so you can focus on what matters most, your feelings. So sit back, pick an article, and start enjoying the freedom. Here at Insecurity Ragazine we know what's wrong with you, and we just bought dinner for the demons living inside your head. PENELOPE LAWRENCE, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
Illustration below by invisibleElement (Flickr) Photo above by Dave G Kelly (Flickr)
FROM THE
“The Best August Line-Up on Broadway!” Thurs. - Sat. 8pm performances unless otherwise noted.
Thurs. Fri.
6
7 14
Sat.
Sun.
Aug 1
2 7 pm
Children’s Theatre Shows All Children’s Theatre Tickets $8
8 15
Mainstage Ticket Prices Saturday Evenings $28 Friday Evenings $23 All other performances $21 Student price $14
edy
u The M
Com sical
Now through August 15
Peter Pan:
“Be a friend... Join us on Facebook and Twitter!”
Neverland Adventures
Facebook name: Theatre Three
Aug. 7-15, 2009
August 7, 8, 14, 15 at 11:00 AM and August 8 & 15 at 2:00 PM
Twitter name: TheatreIII
Two Ways to Get a Laugh!
Friday & Saturday, August 28 & 29, 2009 at 8pm $20 In Advance $25 at the Door
Now in its 7th hilarious year!
August 7, 14, 21 28; September 4 at 10:30pm Only $12 (Drinks not included) $4 Beer & $5 Wine
August 19, 20, 21, 22, 26, 27, 28, 29 at 11:00 AM and August 21, 22, 28, 29 at 2:00 PM
Aug. 19-29, 2009
Group Sales: Call Doug, Group Sales Coordinator (631) 928-1130 (Tues. - Fri. 10am - 3pm)
Box Office: (631) 928-9100 (Mon. - Sat. 10am - 5pm) 412 Main Street, Port Jefferson • www.theatrethree.com
>hemlines
ALL THAT OR NONE OF THAT ARE YOU ALL THAT? READ THIS
CHART AND FIND OUT WHETHER YOU’RE IN OR OUT! KYM TYLER-DONNELLY
ALL THAT
NONE OF THAT
• Picking up guys in the Food & Wine section of Barnes & Noble • Not being afraid to look at your vajayjay with a hand mirror • Celebrity gossip • Tummy tucks • Life insurance • PMDD • Watching the Food Network • Recognizing the stars on “Dancing with the Stars” • Hosting an inauguration party • Taking a hot course at The Learning Annex • Nicotine patches
• Reading
10
INSECURITY R AG A Z I N E
• Pap smears
and N I S ’ T A WH 0UT WHAT’S 9! in SEPT '0
• Celebrity charities • Pilates • Health insurance • Post-partum depression • Cooking • Dance lessons
• Voting • Paying off your student loan • Vitamins
10 WORDS YOU DON’T NEED TO KNOW... spaghetti
hoydenish
grayly
gingivae
(as in "pasta"), noun, pasta in the form of long strings. Who eats spaghetti anymore?
(as in "grayly"), adverb, having a gray appearance; "lonely creeks are opal in the dawn, sword-blue in the sun, grayly silver under misty moons." This year is about color, not pallor.
(as in "hoydenish"), adjective, used of girls; wild and boisterous. It should be called Boy-Danish-Sexy
(as in "gingiva"), noun, the tissue (covered by mucous membrane) of the jaws that surrounds the bases of the teeth. Most dentists are married anyway.
drogher noumena
(as in "noumenon"), noun, the intellectual conception of a thing as it is in itself, not as it is known through perception. You should be using more adjectives.
aoudad
(as in "wild sheep"), noun, wild sheep of northern Africa. You try getting a permit to do a photo shoot in Northern Africa.
jillions
(as in "millions"), noun, a very large indefinite number (usually hyperbole). Economy, Economy, Economy.
(as in "trawler"), noun, a small craft used in the West India Islands to take off sugars, rum, etc., to the merchantmen; also, a vessel for transporting lumber, cotton, etc., coastwise; as, a lumber drogher. Snore.
errorgant
(as in "errorgant"), adjective, having made a mistake because one assumes that everyone else is incorrect; "chesty as a peacock." They are wrong, they just don't know it yet.
juglandales
(as in "plant order"), noun, coextensive with the family Juglandaceae. Somebody probably made this word up to feel important. HEMLINES
11
MAKING SURE YOUR UNDERPRETTIES ARE CLEAN TWELVE STEPS TO A CLEANER, HEALTHIER YOU!
IT STARTS WITH A SNIFF AND ENDS WITH TEARS. THE LITTLE SMELLS that were once the trademark of your funky college years now threaten to repulse and drive away your co-workers and loved ones. By following my simple, twelvestep process, you can eliminate those unwanted odors and guarantee that the "stinky-stink-fink" in the room will not be you.
STEP 1: ELIMINATE PETS
New studies show that pets and their petrelated smells bond to human tissue and overwhelm the body's natural scent defense mechanisms. Bottom line: if you have animals in your life, it’s time to throw them to the dogs.
STEP 2: SHOWER WITH YOUR UNDERWEAR ON
Washers and dryers now surpass the bacteriato-inch ratio previously held by the household toilet. By showering in your skivvies, you're guaranteeing a cleaner, fresher you.
STEP 3: SHORT HAIRCUTS
I would never try to influence the hairstyles of today, but the fact remains that hair picks up unwanted aromas from the atmosphere. Simply stated: less hair, less awkward smells.
12
INSECURITY R AG A Z I N E
STEP 4: CLIP YOUR OWN TOENAILS Most women are not aware that massive amounts of bacterium pollute and flourish in pedicure shops across America. Don't risk bringing it home; buy a pair of clippers and stop the madness.
STEP 5: THE HEEL SCRUB
Do you want to know where all of your sweat goes? That’s right; straight to your heel, the fleshiest part of the foot. A simple lava scrub followed by a light sandpapering guarantees odor-free flesh.
STEP 6: ANKLE ANTIPERSPIRANT
As the armpit of the leg, the ankle can’t help but produce the little kick that will push you over acceptable olfactory levels. Two or three coats of antiperspirant should keep it at bay.
STEP 7: WATERPICK BETWEEN THE TOES
You don’t think that those little piggies went to market to stay clean, did you? I find that a warm saltwater stream does the trick. (WARNING: Web-footed women should not use salt water.)
STEP 8: SHAVE EXCESS TOE HAIR
It is important to NOT use any type of shaving cream. My experience has been that the hairs tend to find their way back to the foot, producing diplococcus. Nobody wants diplococcus.
STEP 9: THE FOOT BLEACH
Now that all of the excess hair has been removed, you can soak your feet (one at a time) for fifteen minutes in a bucket filled with two parts bleach, one part hydrogen peroxide, one part distilled water and one part sparkling water.
STEP 10: REPEAT STEP 9 This is usually the highlight of my day.
STEP 11: FOOT PASTE APPLIQUÉ
For this you’re going to need: one bottle of Original Listerine, half a bottle of Playtex Baby Magic Lotion, three sprigs of fresh mint leaf and two clean white socks. Simply mix the ingredients, turn the socks inside out and apply the mixture. After the paste has dried, slip your foot into the sock so that the outside now envelops your feet. Let's see odor get past that ladies!
STEP 12: CHEW SOME MINTY GUM, BUT NOTHING TOO STRONG
With these steps under your belt, you can help guarantee that Mr. Right won't leave you for Ms. Clean. REBECCA RHODUS HEMLINES
13
19 CENTURY ILLNESSES TO CALL IN SICK WITH TH
NOW THAT WINTER HAS SET IN, AND FLU season is raging, there is no better time to take a sick day at work. If you’re like most people, you drag your poor, feverish, germ-spewing body into the office no matter how wretched you feel, and you save those precious sick days for when you’re well. You know those times where you just need to turn off the alarm, throw on an extra comforter, and catch up on daytime TV? It would be totally wasted if you were actually sick now wouldn’t it? Chances are that there is someone at your place of business who you need to call and convince that you are truly too ill to leave the house. Our experience has taught us that this responsibility usually falls on the shoulders of the most judgmental and least sympathic employee in the building. Bronchitis? Julie just closed the biggest deal of her life between puffs of her inhaler. Strep throat? Oh please, just use e-mail and try not to touch anything in the kitchen. Childbirth? Company policy allots three full days off post-partum but they must be requested four calendar months prior. Even a simple, legitimate excuse like the common cold will be fodder for contempt. Cold? I’ve had a cold since 1997 and I still have never once been late or used company time for a doctor’s visit. Hmmmmmm. What’s a “Tyra Banks Show” loving girl to do? 14
INSECURITY R AG A Z I N E
Well fret not! We at IR hold the secret to navigating the waters of abusing corporate sick day policies. Call in with 19th Century illnesses that aren’t around anymore. "Won’t that be kind of transparent?" you say. Not necessarily. Generally speaking, the highest and lowest echelons of the corporate ladder will be the best educated. This means that you can’t use this approach with the CEO of the company, or the coffee barista in the lobby (and beware of that new temp who may be eavesdropping), but for middle management, you should have no trouble. (Editor's note: If the middle management employee has ever seen a Merchant Ivory film, or mentioned that they think Colin Firth is cute, ABORT PLAN IMMEDIATELY!) So sit back, grab your remote and get ready for some pajama time, girl!
ANNABELLE MASON
EXCUSE #1 I HAVE THE VAPORS
This is particularly genius because, in your case, it actually may be true. The Vapors is a 19th Century term that used to cover a broad range of “female trouble” such as PMS, bi-polar disorder, depression, faintness, and something called “female hysteria”. In the olden days, a physician would sometimes prescribe a “pelvic massage” for relief. Check with your company health insurance rep on this one.
EXCUSE #2 I HAVE THE RICKETS
This was caused by either a vitamin deficiency or a lack of sunlight. If you’re a slave to Lean Cusine or work out of a windowless cubicle, we’ve given you a lot to work with here.
EXCUSE #3 CORSET–INDUCED FAINTING SPELL
This should appeal to the drama queens out there. Plan it for a day when you have an early-morning meeting. The more people present, the better. Wear an authentic corset as tight as you can, skip breakfast and the magic should happen by itself.
HEMLINES
15
MUCH ADO ABOUT BUTT A SHAKESPEARE QUIZ
ARE YOU SHAKESPEARE'S IDEAL MATE?
and sizes, nationalities and languages: English, French, Italian, Greek, tall, short, waif-like and voluptuous. Above them all, with his bold, sensuous use of the English Language in his many unforgettable numbered sonnets he wrote of his undying passion for a mysterious figure named the “Dark Lady.” Historians and Yale Professors argue to this day who the object of his affection was to deserve such unparalleled attention. As we approach his 300th birthday, we wonder: if this rapper stud for the ages were alive today, who would he chose to immortalize with his dextrose pen? Who among us would be worthy? Who would get to bask in his male gaze? Haven’t you ever wondered, are you Shakespeare’s type?
JENNIFER COOSEBURY
Jennifer holds an MFA in English Literature from Smith College, and recently moved to Andover, Massachusetts.
An IR “Self-Knowledge” Quiz 1
What color are your eyes? a.) Danish blue
? 16
INSECURITY R AG A Z I N E
b.) like leeks c.) saffron-hued d.) big
2
What color is your hair? a.) auburn
b.) raven-tressed c.) Danish blonde d.) Tempest-uous Red
Illustration below by Ja-Kitsu-Ryou (deviantART)
LOVE HIM OR HATE HIM, WILLIAM Shakespeare was unarguably one of the greatest poets and screenwriters ever. With his frank yet highly romantic portrayal of love, lust, passion and romance found in such works as Romeo and Juliet, The Two Noble Kinsmen, Anthony and Cleopatra, and The Rape of Lucrece, many of our formative ideals of courtship and our dream relationships were imprinted on us in high school English class, and even propelled some of us on to be English Majors wondering if anyone would ever write us a poem, let alone climb a balcony to see us. Even beyond high school and college, in your bitterest post-breakup moments, you've always known there was someone better out there, because thanks to Will, you believed a man could cry. In his over 40 works, Shakespeare depicted and idealized women of all shapes
3
How tall are you?
9
a.) Statuesque
4
a.) Scarab
b.) wee-sleekit-cowering-timurous beastie
b.) Fairy Wings
c.) average
c.) Wild hair
d.) amazon
d.) Severed head
Are you passionate?
10
a.) She-wolf of France
5
b.) Wooded Grove c.) Renaissance Palace
d.) Stoic
d.) France
Booty–not just for pirates?
11
Kids?
a.) Three daughters
b.) demure derriere
b.) two sons
c.) barely there
c.) young egg
d.) Bottom The Weaver
d.) no heir
Sweet bosoms yes, but what kind?
Now add up all of your points, with each “A” answer being worth 5 points, “B” =4 points, “C” =3 points and “D” =1 point.
b.) Two Houses both alike in Dignity c.) peasblossom
55-45 points
d.) Titania
All the world’s a stage, and you’re a player!
44-35 points
Ideal first date: a.) Masquerade Ball
b.) Walk in the Woods c.) Funeral d.) Earth, Wind & Fire concert
8
a.) Scottish Castle
c.) Venice the Menace
a.) Two Gentlemen of Verona
7
Where to settle down?
b.) Trojan Woman
a.) woman of good carriage
6
What’s your fashion statement?
Who should pay for the first date? a.) He Should b.) I should
Definitely second wife material.
34-20 points Maybe you should wait a couple hundred years for Sir Walter Scott.
20-0 points Actually, Professor Burton Kingston of Clemson University believes that Shakespeare’s “Dark Lady” was in fact a man, and that Shakespeare preferred men anyway. Give it up ladies, the author of “The Two Noble Kinsmen” is sensitive alright, but he’s totally unattainable.
c.) We Should Split it d.) I would loan him the money
HEMLINES
17
>rag times
QUIT YOUR W(H)INING LIKE MOST OF YOU, I HAVE SPENT THE better half of – gulp – twenty years struggling to figure out how to find my Mr. Right; sifting through endless Mr. Wrongs, occasionally holding on too long to Mr. Right Now. I’m ashamed to admit, I have tried every approach. Everything from different hair styles, hair colors, no hair, hair extensions to teacuplength skirts, short skirts, mini shirts, Amishlength skirts – I even dressed as slutty nun for Halloween back in 1993! I have been too flirty, too bitchy, too shy, too tall, too short, a 32C, a 44DD... Up until two weeks ago I had thirty-four magazine subscriptions, or what I refer to as my mag-hag rags. But waiting in my physician’s office for my annual changed all that. Stay with me here… Wedged in between a torn Family Circus coloring book, and an old edition of Reader’s Digest featuring on the cover an unknown Jill St. Johns with the headline “International Gestures for the Tourist” was the hardbackcovered monthly medical journal, entitled the Euro-Medical Board Journal of Science. I was curious. The title seemed redundant to me at the time. I was questioning what other kind of journal would a medical board write about 18
INSECURITY R AG A Z I N E
other than science. I opened the book and subconsciously flipped to the social disease section. (What can I say?) And there, right after the lead article entitled The Spread of Obesity in a Small Pond, was a scientific study conducted by Dr. Leo Dietz of the German Institute of Social Diseases. I am convinced this article will change my life (and yours) more than all of my mag-hag rags put together. After being lectured by my physician that I need more beets in my diet, I called my editor and told her to put the freeze on my most recent article “Stilettos: how to make them safe and comfortable?” so that I could share my incredible discovery with you. The secret of getting Mr. Right looking your way is...How do I put it? This scientific libido-liberating conclusion replaces what once was considered an embarrassing eveningending accident with a glorious scientific approach to bagging Mr. Right. Every single single woman everywhere should behold this discovery to be self-evident. Once you hear it, you too will yelp, “Of course, of course! It’s so crazy it just might work.” Well, it has been proven to work, so, print out this article and put in your handbag for future reference when
“MEN FIND WOMEN INCREDIBLY HOT WHEN THEY HAVE WINE SPILLED ON THEM.”
R AG T I M E S
19
TABLE ONE: TALE OF THE TAPE COSMO VS. WINE COSMO
WINE
DISCOVERY DATE
1985 in gay bar, South Florida.
6000 BC-3000 BC in olden times.
MOST EXPENSIVE
$75
You can’t afford it.
LEAST EXPENSIVE
$21.40 (anything less is just fruit juice)
$2.99 (per box)
MOST FAMOUS MOMENTS
Sex in the City.
Shakespeare, Greek tragedy and comedies, The Godfather Trilogy, legendary poetry, legendary Rock n’ Roll songs, and the episode of Tom and Jerry when Jerry falls into a full wine bottle. It just goes on and on and on.
WHAT MEN ARE THINKING…
Desperate, boring, high maintenance, and probably nuts.
Smart, interesting, sexy, and of course, wet.
you visit the powder room, because this is gold! “Men find women incredibly hot when they have wine spilled on them.” I’ll give you a second to simmer through that… Okay! I know, I couldn’t believe it either. But as I became engrossed in Dr. Dietz’s four-year study, I found that it is deeply rooted (pun intended) in three truths of human behavior that after years of reading various mag-hag rags we hold to be gospel. 1) Women feel sexy with the perfect drink in their hand. I think we can admit that it’s just as important to make the right impression with your drink as it is with the right shoes/ handbag combination. God knows, if we choose our drink poorly, it’s the difference between looking like a top-shelf model or the fat side of a water buffalo. 20
INSECURITY R AG A Z I N E
2) Men are obvious creatures of their imaginations – and before we blame porn for its validity, let’s just be honest, and admit that we rely on this imagination to save us every time we feel less than perfect or just plain fat. And 3) Men are totally attracted to wet things – and if we meditate long enough with our herbal tea, scented candles and wind-chime CD, we can easily validate this statement with the same logic that dictates why we’re attracted to sales, or things dipped in chocolate, or fried in butter. Being an avid Cosmo drinker for the last ten years, I was a little resistant about the “wine” aspect. But never again! (See Table One) The study illustrates that ordering the “ill-fated Cosmo” shows men that we’re “trying way too hard to impress, indecisive, and on the verge of desperation.” Furthermore, Dr.
TABLE TWO: TOP FIVE WINES TO SPILL TO MAKE YOU HOTTER SOCIAL SITUATION THE GSSA OF HS STUDY SUGGESTS BBQ/PICNIC 2008 Chuckle Buck White Wine. “unforgettable and long on smell” GAME NIGHT/SMALL GATHERING 2004 Pino Grigio (ITL) “flirts between sultry dry aroma and a fun fruit taste” FORMAL FUNCTION/GALA 1992 Bordeaux (FR) “…powerful and rich.” BLIND DATE (GOOD OR BAD) 1998 Chardonnay (AUS). “satisfying finish and works really well with food…” SUPRISE VISIT FROM THE CUTE HANDYMAN 2001 Shiraz (NY). “mellow blend of smoke and mirrors.” R AG T I M E S
21
Dietz’s study totally backs up a Pop-Culture Fashion Poll featured in August 2001, which concluded “76% of single women between 21-45 had never heard of the drink, Cosmo, before 1998 when the hit television show Sex in the City first aired.” What is more alarming now, according to Dr. Dietz, is that presently 96% of straight single men absolutely hate the legendary television show, “only adding to the negative message [we are] sending.” This study also illustrates that by ordering wine, men can see that you’re smart, sassy, clean, and that you know how to choose from a large field of choices. Wine is also seen as calm, subtle, and confident, and if you can spill it on yourself, you are guaranteed to achieve ultimate “hottinessdom.” But wait, before you go and spend your savings on a wine cellar and a fabulous waterproof designer poncho, Dr. Dietz notes two crucial bits of information. First, not all wine is chemically in sync with the process. (See Table Two) Second, the two regions which will trigger the male interest are the hair region, ideally, or, at the very least, the breast area. “The chemical reaction mixed with the visual stimuli will enable their imagination to fall into the fantasy of you stepping out of the shower.” The Shower? Yes, the Shower. This male fantasy is making a comeback, ladies, and it's where the key of the libido-liberating lies. Once upon a time, the male imagination was desensitized to this fantasy by its constant appearance in every teen-sex romp film from 1977-1989. However, recently the male voyeur shower fantasy has shot up the “Male Freudian Top 20” like a rocket ship (no pun intended) to taboo status. What changed besides the teen-sex romp? We can thank in large part (pun intended) to the recent “architectural trends of environmental conservationist’s designs of smaller one-unit shower stalls.” Damn you global warming! The days of the mega-orgy showers stalls of the early 80s are long gone and over time has re-stimulated the male imagination to the point where he wants 22
INSECURITY R AG A Z I N E
nothing more than to intrude on this intimate private wet moment for which he will likely never witness or never share with a female. Let's put aside for the moment the aspect of the nudeness of this taboo (thanks internet porn) and the fem-bot judgment that we might carry (like you wouldn’t want to see Blair Underwood in the shower). Simply take comfort in Dr. Dietz’s final analysis of the male mind. The image of watching the “virtual soapy water cascading down every arching bit of your figure opens an immediate understanding and awareness of who you truly are inside.” And really, that’s all we really want. So go ahead. Dress to dazzle in that totally cute, cute, cute, on-sale knockoff outfit that just reeks of confidence and “getsomability” (whether you go there or not) and caress that tumbler of Chardonnay with an air of mystery. Swallow all of that semi-dry pinot noir with pure unadulterated seduction. But most importantly, and we can’t stress this enough, take the glass of taboo and spill it all over your body. Sure, "Mr. Wrong" will laugh and take a photo on his cell phone, and "Mr. Right Now" will make a corny joke, smile, and lean in close for a taste. But as science has proven, Mr. Right will saunter up, smile earnestly, tilt his lush head of hair to the side, and hand you a stack of cocktail napkins to dry off with. Then he’ll look you right in the eye and ask if he can buy you another drink. At that point, you have my permission to order a Cosmo if you wish… Personally, I can’t wait for the weekend!
TABBI MALLOY
Tabbi has been on the club scene for twenty years and has been linked to the underground bands Mighty Purple and Organized Kaos, as well as the sketch comedy troupe American Scream. Ms. Malloy writes for various blogs and has a myspace page devoted to her life’s work of “finding the right lure to capture the right man”.
TIRED OF FAT DUMMIES FOR HUNDREDS OF YEARS, THE HUMAN FORM HAS BEEN REPLICATED by wooden models and dressed by the fashion elite. Storefronts across America display the latest designs from Milan, Paris, New York, Tokyo and London. As consumers, we rely on these mannequins as a reflection of our inner beauty and outer apparel sensibility. Recently, however, it has been brought to my attention that Americans may be the target of a foreign power bent on destroying the very industry that tells us how to dress, and what to look like. Last February I was contacted by Mia Grauss, a simple German-American woman who asked us not to publish her occupation, for fear of the repercussions she might face once this scandal has been revealed. It is her conjecture that the countryside is being filled with a glut of overweight mannequins setting up shop in a store near you, and unless you’re a size zero, you probably haven't noticed yet. The following interview covers the three weeks I spent with Ms. Grauss as we examined the possible link between American mannequins and an underbelly of Eastern Asian aggression against the fashion industry. IR: When did you first observe the possibility of what you label “Fat Mannequins”? MIA: I first noticed the problem when I was on a London junket in 1997. I had hired three models to work a runway program for the New York Board of Tourism. The clothes, which fit on both the models and the mannequins, were completely inappropriate once they hit the lights. At first I thought I was having a bout of color blindness, then I blamed the models (she subsequently fired all three without discussion), finally, I took out a measuring tape and noticed that it was metric. My assistant had not packed my body fat measuring tape and tried to save her job by replacing it with the most disastrous piece of cloth and lines to ever touch my fingers. It was at that moment I 24
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realized the real problem was the mannequins. They were not skinny enough. Fat mannequins had allowed me to hire fat models, approve fat clothes, and subsequently threatened to destroy any credibility I had with the elite London fashion press. Rather than risk that, I cancelled the entire event. IR: You cite London as the point of first contact. When did you suspect the spread of this epidemic into the United States? MIA: After the London debacle, I took an early vacation to Frankfurt and tried to pull my life back together. For the first few months my anger was focused towards my former assistant Christine (they have since reconciled), but I soon began to wonder how I had been so
“AMERICANS HAVE NO FRAME OF REFERENCE FOR HOW THEY SHOULD LOOK. THEY SEE FAT, THEY THINK FAT, THEY ARE FAT; IT'S AS SIMPLE AS THAT.”
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easily duped. Logically speaking, if I had been tricked, there must be other Americans who were experiencing a similar fate. I decided right then and there that someone needed to stand up for America, and so I hopped the first plane to New York and began looking for signs. It wasn’t until I spent some time at a Target in Paramus, New Jersey that I found my first proof. IR: Which was? MIA: FAT DUMMIES EVERYWHERE!!! Scores of arms, legs, torsos - haphazardly thrown together by sweatshop workers too uneducated to understand the crimes that had become a part of. After several hours of careful measurements, I found that all of the body fat ratios of the mannequins were terribly 26
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distorted. It still keeps me up at night thinking about it. I had always known that retail clothes were complete tripe, but I had never suspected that there was a plot to disfigure America’s body image. These mannequins were similar in quality to the ones in London, but they were fatter, much fatter. I knew that someone had to tell the world. At first blush, there does not appear to be much evidence to back up Mia's conjectures, but one only needs to spend six or seven hours with Ms. Grauss to begin to "see the ceramic", as she so fittingly puts it. On her bathroom wall, Mia has painstakingly created the evolution of the fashion mannequin, dating back to early Mesopotamian puppet festivals. She has asked us not to photograph the wall for fear of betraying its location.
MIA: As you can see, there is a gradual growth period for each generation, that is, until you reach 1996. Beyond that you see an increase of almost 7% body fat in one year. It has been increasing at that rate for over twelve years, unchecked, and unnoticed by the American government. Here is a photo of mannequins that I examined. I ask you, what does the label say? "Made in China", the sweet music that fuels American powerhouses such as Wal-Mart and Denny's Restaurants, is the same phrase that Mia swears will drive her to an early grave. But what are some of the greater implications of this assault? Ms. Grauss is eager to point to a national trend towards obesity. MIA: Americans think that it's fast food and
lack of exercise driving up their weight. That couldn't be further from the truth. These Fat Mannequins are the overweight signposts that point the way towards America's spiraling growth. "Americans have no frame of reference for how they should look. They see fat, they think fat, they are fat; it's as simple as that. IR: On your fashion timeline, you have a brief period in 1941 where mannequin body fat was similar to today’s levels. Could you explain what happened during that time for our readers unfamiliar with fashion history? MIA: It was during the occupation of France that Paris was introduced to a German mannequin prototype, code-named "FETTHALTIGER FRENCHY-FROSCH", a cement-based construct created to help quell R AG T I M E S
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the spirit of the French Resistance, and destroy the French fashion industry. "Gray is the new Gray" became the slogan of Austrian cobblers who for centuries had been humiliated by their French counterparts. The result was a much larger German form factor, enlarged to the point where it was impossible to distinguish a man's body from a woman's. Parisian artists who for centuries had studied the human form and lovingly carved into willowed bark the lines and subtleties of the female curve, burned their shops to the ground in protest. Ms. Grauss then produced for us a finger from one of the pre-WWII French mannequins and compared it to a modern finger she cut off of the Paramus Target Store Mannequin. MIA: Notice how the French finger is no thicker than a pencil? That is what's missing from these Asian hacks, a sense of proportion. IR: So I have to ask, why do you think the Chinese Government would go to such lengths? MIA: Everyone knows of the Soviet Union’s plans to turn the entire world into communists. Obviously they failed, but the Chinese 28
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Government is very clever and learned from the Kremlin’s mistakes. At first they will start with our fashion industry, next it will be our makeup industry, and eventually they will try to destroy the entertainment industry. After they’ve taken over these three areas, what’s left? What else is there that makes us American? IR: What do you suggest we do to protect ourselves? To answer this, Ms. Grauss states that one need only look as far as the end of a match-head. MIA: We need to take a page from Paris and burn all of the mannequins; destroy them completely. Chances are, the clothes that they are wearing are too fat anyway, so I say when no one is watching, take an arm, a leg, a hand, sneak it out of a store, and set fire to it. Slowly, if we are diligent, we can take back our freedom, and our weight, one limb at a time. SHAWNA RICHARDSON Ms. Richardson is a recent Ph.D. candidate at Brown University and holds an undergraduate degree from Vassar College. Ms. Richardson is currently employed by the information services division of Poet's House in New York City.
A GREEN GAL'S GROUNDS– KEEPER'S GIFT A MODEL'S MARK ON THE GREEN LIFE
THERE IS A MISCONCEPTION THAT models, much like fish, don’t have feelings. That could not be further from the truth. Models may have small hips, but for some, the fattest part of their body is their hearts. And there is one model in particular that is using that fat heart and keen intellect to help make an environmental stand in her beloved city of Miami. Miami is known for both its Models and Cuban Heritage, a playground for the rich and famous to flaunt their creative environmental intellect, and a glimmer of hope for someone who hates their county only 90 miles away. Can these two divergent cultures co-exist in harmony on this great land? Of course! This is America, and those rich and famous need their yards manicured. Insert a model who decided to put these two together and form her own version of a charity. Holly Day is a model that has done numerous campaign ads for all the big Florida local perfume giants, as well as premiere runway work in Dallas and Fort Worth. She is easily spotted on billboards as you drive to her house in Coconut Grove along palm treelined streets. After only 16 months removed 30
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from her hometown along the train tracks or “metal veins” outside El Paso, TX, she already considers herself part of Miami’s “Elite of Richness.” When she moved to Miami, she was inspired when she saw a friend’s house that did not have the beautiful yard and trees she had. Immediately Holly started a charity with some of her top model friends called The Make Life Green Foundation. “I really want to help save the environment,” proclaims Ms. Day, “Sorta like the whales, but with plants.” Enter “The not so elite,” Chano Frias, a 53-year-old man who emigrated from Cuba around the same time that Holly left Texas. He is a lighthearted and tan man, and although he doesn’t get to see the glitz and glamour of the Miami nightlife, he does get to see Holly’s yard, every day. Holly feels she is making a difference in his life. “Growing up near the border of Mexico, I feel a kinship toward him and his ancestry. I had a few friends growing up who were Mexican,” remarks Holly about her Cuban friend. “This is how models give back to the community.” However, the question arises: Would Holly be who she is today without Chano?
“I REALLY WANT TO HELP SAVE THE ENVIRONMENT… SORTA LIKE THE WHALES, BUT WITH PLANTS.”
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The charity’s business plan is simple. “The more famous I get, the bigger the house, the bigger the yard, the more work for Chano.” Holly explains. She donates half the money she paid to Chano to buy the necessary plants and trees needed to update her friend’s yards, resulting in their lives turning “more greenier.” Chano receives more plants, more work, and more gratification that more of his money is helping the environment. “It’s the circle of life.” as Holly likes to call it. Holly shows such passion and excitement when she talks about her foundation that it’s almost contagious. “Going green can’t just stop at trees and plants. The individual has to do more. Like myself, I stopped eating cheese. And I feel good, 'cause I know that I, an individual, may have saved a cow's life.” And it's because of this passion that Holly has made an impact on the Miami community, showing off her “Make Life Green” decal in every window on her SUV. Her popularity in and around Miami puts her in the spotlight and 32
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gives her foundation a little bit of publicity. Even just palling around with friends, she’s always eager to talk about her charity to anyone who is willing to listen. Holly's circle of friends include Miami's sexiest and most influential citizens, often seen sporting Holly's signature pair of thousand dollar cut-off jean shorts and DKNY tank tops. They are extremely positive toward Holly’s foundation. “Holly has opened her heart to the environment and native Miamians here in Miami, making it an even more better place to live. And I support that.” states Kristy Dion, a fellow model sipping her apple martini. But Kristy is not the only one who is on board with Holly’s foundation. Fashion icons, photographers and even heads of magazines have given their landscaper's hard-earned money to Holly’s foundation as well. “That’s why we are all here tonight, to celebrate Holly’s vision.” comments a local designer who is holed up in a corner of club STAIN, a Miami hot spot, as gorgeous people come in and out
“THE MORE FAMOUS I GET, THE BIGGER THE HOUSE, THE BIGGER THE YARD, THE MORE WORK FOR CHANO.” of the VIP section to grab some champagne and see if anyone is interesting enough to be talked to or flirted with. On this particular night it’s Holly’s foundation that has a reason to party, mingle and hide their insecurities with excessive money spending and drinking. Tuesday nights are packed with people seeming to have a good time even though the music is 80’s re-mixed techno and there is only one bathroom that works, but it’s all for a good cause. Holly’s only regret is that “they wouldn’t let Chano in.” In Holly’s eyes, we are all the same. Chano just may cut grass better than she does. Chano will never make the kind of money she makes and sleep with the kind of people she sleeps with, but she can look out her window and see Chano out there trimming and digging and sweating, and know, as he looks back at her that their lives are not that different. Holly knows she will continue her work as a humanitarian long after she retires from modeling in two years because, as she puts
it, “There is no better feeling than the feeling of help.” And help is on the way, one plant at a time, thanks to Holly…and in a small way, Chano. BRETT KYLEY Brett is a staple at club scenes in Miami and NYC. He is a graduate of Boston College and is currently working on an autobiography about his after-party experiences.
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>insecurity blanket
MAKE YOUR OWN FASHION DOLLZ™ irls! G y e H
IN MY PARENTS’ COUNTRY OF RUSSIA, or here in the less prosperous but no less hip U.S., even after working that after-school job we can’t afford those designer dresses you see at the Oscars or on Sex and the City, but a girl can dream can’t she? And why settle for 2-D photos, when you can cut out those photos and put them on our easy, homemade Fashion Dollz™ to see what they’d look like strutting down the runway, or at prom. And even though you’d sometimes like to, we haven’t forgotten your kid sister. ‘Cause she’s got to look up to someone, right? ANNABELLA OREKSYA A former model and a graduate of the Russian Institute of Fashion Technology, Ms. Oreksya assisted in the invention of the Rasputina Cossack Dress Socks, and was one of the first members of the GCCC.
NS ST FASHIO E T A L E H T NAH, TRY ON DSAY, HAN IN L Y B N R OF WO THE PAGES IN IN M U C ZINES. & ITE MAGA R O V A F R YOU
1 TO MAKE YOUR FASHION DOLLZ™, EAT TWO (SUGAR FREE?) POPSICLES.
2
3
RINSE
PAT THEM DRY
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4
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AS YOU KNOW FROM WATCHING “THE VIEW” AND READING CELEBRITY MAGAZINES, WOMEN COME IN ALL SHAPES AND SIZES. PICK THE ONE THAT BEST REPRESENTS YOU.
CUT OUT THE LATEST PARIS FASHIONS FROM ANY MAGAZINE (WORKS ESPECIALLY WELL WITH IR™ AND IR RAGAMUFFINS™)
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MAYBE YOU’RE A BABYSITTER, OR HAVE A YOUNGER SISTER THAT LOOKS UP TO YOU, SO WHY NOT LET HER PLAY TOO?
PASTE THE PHOTO ONTO THE FRONT OF YOUR FASHION DOLLZ™.
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MAKE SURE THE STICKS ARE GLUED AT RIGHT ANGLES (90 DEGREES) FROM EACH OTHER.
STRUT YOUR STUFF!
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OR IF YOU HAVE ONLY ONE POPSICLE STICK YOU CAN MAKE A SUPERMODEL VERSION.
NEXT MONTH - HOW TO MAKE A CARRYING CASE FOR YOUR FASHION DOLLZ™. INSECURITY BLANKET
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>waxing poetic WILD SURVIVAL
BEAUTY TIPS GUESS WHAT? YOU CAN STILL LOOK FABULOUS IN THE WILD! For those times you’re stranded on an island after swimming from your date’s capsized boat and you want to work on your tan. For those times you’re lost in the woods waiting to be rescued by Mr. Hunky Forest Ranger and you need lip gloss. For those times you bring a hairdryer to a camping trip and there’s no outlet. Our Wild Survival Beauty Tips are amazing low-maintenance solutions to those high-maintenance situations. ROSIE SALAZAR Rosie has traveled all over the world for five years looking for nature’s beauty tips. Ms. Salazar is one of the few experts on the Bubishi and is a sensei in Aikido.
LIPS
HAIR
Do what the ancient Moohauwky Tribe did for hundreds of years…of course they are all dead now, but still…Gather exactly 87 red berries from an evergreen tree or Soolay bush and gently mash them up into a fine liquid (no clumps). Add a touch of dry dirt (the darker the dirt, the darker the shade) and use your reflection in the stream or river to apply. Warning: using more than 87 berries might cause a very rare deadly form of a skin condition related to impetigo.
Find a patch of moss then walk north-east ten clicks or until you find an orchid (any orchid will do). Then walk five clicks toward the horizon. There should be a large tree on your other left. Find the south side of the tree and climb up 1/3 of the stalk. Stabilize yourself so as not to fall and begin to gnaw through the bark until you taste the bitter/sweet sap. No matter how hungry you are, do not eat the sap. Apply it like any store-bought mousse or gel. You’ll be pleasantly surprised at the volume and body it adds to your hair. Helpful hints: 1 click= 4.971 furlongs. If you are wearing highheels of any kind it is 4x the click.
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SKIN If you want to avoid unwanted sunburn and heat blisters, but still want a gorgeous tan, then create a functional organic tanning bed. The good news is that if you just survived a tsunami you’re well on your way because the gale force wind and rain will bring out the only ingredients you’ll ever need. First, look around for two coffin-size planks of wood, and gather as much vine as possible. Then capture/ gather/collect at least four jellyfish (eels will work too) Wrap the jellyfish around one side of one of the planks of wood. Keep the jellyfish side damp and moist to avoid drying them out while you scurry around for a nest of slugs. Don’t panic, snails will work, too. Drain the slugs like you would a tube of toothpaste and feel free to use a non-poisonous leaf to gently apply the slime nectar to the wanted areas of your body. Then take the damp, jellyfish plank and hold it in front of you height-wise.
Place the other plank directly behind you on the ground. While holding on to the jellyfish plank at an arm’s distance (work those arms), lie down on the dry wood plank. The jellyfish will react to the vapors of the slime nectar by glowing. And don’t worry, the slime nectar is almost impossible to get off so you’ll be protected, and eventually a golden sexy brown.
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>raggedy man
REBOUND GIRL DEAR REBOUND GIRL,
DEAR TINA,
I’m interested in changing my look and I thought an easy and practical way to start is by dyeing my hair. I figured if I don’t like it, I can change it back again easily enough. I would love it if you could shed some light on brands. I heard rumors that hair dyes cause cancer, is that true? Should I use something organic? Is henna organic? Also, what’s a good follow-up product because all hair dyes are damaging, right?
Good questions. I’ve also felt immobilized by the how-to of it all. I’m reminded of paint, and in California there are laws saying that you have to state whether the walls have ever been painted with cancer-causing agents. I’ve gone on websites that state facts about ingredients in products such as haircare, but it’s just so tricky. There are different stories about what is or is not toxic. I just don’t understand why hair products need so many ingredients to begin with. All in all, we want to know what we’re getting ourselves into. In hair. In life. In love. There was a time, (and I’m embarrassed to say it lasted for forty-five and a half months, probably three times or something the amount of time he and I were actually boyfriend and girlfriend) when I would change my hair color and he, my ex, would change his hair color and we would continue to have sex after we broke up. The first time was by accident and then we decided to make it a thing because it turned us on. I guess you could say we had a hair-dyeing fetish. I guess it’s not that risqué. (We did dye hair that wasn’t just on our scalp, it can be messy, and I’m not sure how healthy. I only did it once and then got a wax.) So. I was at a bar. One that I had never been to before because I needed change. I was brokenhearted. Some of my friends were going to meet me at said bar, but they wanted me to have a little bit of time by myself so we didn’t just seem like a gaggle of unapproachable girls. Give people a chance to scope me out. And I looked good. My friends had come over and dressed me because sometimes we all need a push, some affirmation, some help with the basics. So I’m at the bar. Facing the bar. New
Big thanks, Tina
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haircut. New color. I have a book a friend gave me, saying it’s the hot new read and someone will talk to me about it. And yep, sure enough, I’m sitting at the bar taking a sip of my wine when this guy says, “I’ve been wanting to read that book, how is it?” I recognize the voice. I turn around and my ex sees me, and instead of frowning (which I imagined he would do the next time he saw me), we both laughed because his hair was dreamy blue and mine was sensuous magenta. I said, “Of all the bars why’d you have to saunter into this one?” And he said, “Yeah, well, I’m looking for a rebound shag.” And I said, “Yeah, me too.” And at the same time we both said, “Why not.” Now. This went on, like I said, for awhile. We’d rebound together. Rebound break-up. Dye our hair. Run into each other. Do it all over again. (Although we planned it after that first spontaneous encounter.) I should admit we were hooking up with other people during this time. At least, I was. (Practice safe sex, people!!!) And my friends were confused, but really digging my hairstyles. And yeah, it did get damaged some. The hair. My heart. But it’s not just products we have to worry about, it’s the water. Hard water. Soft water. Chemically treated water. And air. Humid air. Dry air. Polluted air. (Recycle, reuse, reduce, ride bikes, people!!) I mean, it’s never-ending. But the rebound relationship with this particular ex did end. He shaved his head. I shaved mine. And after our rebound sex with bald heads we realized we had gone through the rainbow and come out on the other side and it was time to decide if our pot of gold is marriage, a lifetime
of rebound sex with each other, friendship or nothing at all. We shook hands and, I’m happy to report that we’re friends. I let my hair grow out and I’ve been thinking of dyeing it again, just for kicks. Which reminds me why I was never a real cheerleader. I can’t do cartwheels. Crazy, eh? I had a fling with a guy who literally flung me around. He was a circus performer. He and his trapeze partner went through a nasty break-up. But that’s a story for another time. And we’re talking about hair dye. So. I sent an email off to an ex who works in the field, to get the “off the record” scoop for you. The only problem is, his current girlfriend hates me and she is his lab partner (How smart is that? Not. But maybe it’s working out for them.) So, she may have deleted my email. Now, I have to say, he and I were good for each other in the time we spent together. I’m not saying that I want him anymore- I don’t do the cheating thing. (I don’t know if he still wants me. I don’t want to know unless they’re broken up.) But we have questions. They have answers. I hope we can get some honest answers and not vindictive you-used-to-sleep-with-my-boyfriend answers. So if he/she is reading this article, can you please write to me and let me know so I can do a little follow-up for my reader(s)? People dye their hair for all sorts of reasons, and not just so they can get some (ideally, great) rebound sex. Very truly & yours, RG
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>hanging by a thread THE
MUFFIN TOP
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AMERICAN FASHION AT ITS FINEST HAS exploded like a canister of biscuits. Literally. The Muffin Top. Long gone are the days of jeans that fit and tops that reach the bottom of the belt loop. In now, low-ride jeans that are way too tight, pushing excess fat upward and a shirt that does not quite cover the area that hangs over the jeans, producing the now famed Muffin Top. The Muffin Top is the brainchild of two of the fashion industries heavy hitters: fast food and lack of self-awareness. Gaining its fame mostly in the south due to the heat index, exposing that area can cool a person down by a whole degree, but the mere sight of it makes even the strongest person wince. Dig a little deeper and you’ll find this trend started with halter tops and tight stomachs with cute little bellybutton rings. Then comes the plus-size woman that underestimates the squishiness of her mid-section and the mirror less room in which this grew as an idea. A lot of the industry thought it couldn’t happen, but now in fashion-rich cities like Milan and Paris, they have traded the runway for a racetrack, Nascar style! More room to fit three wide and a pit stop for that mid-show milkshake that apparently, “brings all the boys to the yard”, because racetrack shows are now the premiere event in the fashion industry. People want excitement when attending a fashion show (secretly hoping a model slips or falls off the stage). At this year's fashion show in NYC, excitement is what they got. With all the top designers showing off their version of the Muffin Top look, and the women walking the track, you never knew what was going to happen. A lot of people fear change or tube tops. But thanks to a bad idea, we can all fear the Muffin Top the next time we go to the mall. DEBBIE KINKOKAN Ms. Kinkokan is a recent graduate of the Environmental Studies Program from Berkley College in California.
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FASHION TRAGEDIES OF PRESIDENTIAL ELECTIONS LOST
HINDSIGHT IS 20/20. WE KNOW IT applies to ex-boyfriends (and there’s the sight of my behind and the pint of Ben & Jerry's I ate last night). But with fashion, there’s no hindsight, it’s clear to see, judge, and vote on. While there’s some cosmic injustice in a four-year cycle as opposed to the monthly one, presidential elections are that realtime judgment. Any television talking head or newspaper pundit can clue you in to the vagaries of policy and political positions, but what they won’t admit is how important "the look" of the presidential candidate is to actually getting elected. Through the years, these losers in the race for the White House are excused for not feeling the pulse of the country, not having a strong position on agriculture subsidies, or not knowing the name of some Asian prime minister. Have these critics forgotten the first rule of fashion? It’s all about fashion. Following from this first rule is the corollary: presidential losers are fashion losers. It may not have mattered back in the day whether Rutherford B. Hayes was effectively man-grooming his facial hair, but less than 100 years later the Democrat, John F. Kennedy, 42
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(politically inexperienced and Catholic, by the way), beat out Richard Nixon by looking young, virile, and stylish. It launched us into the ever-important world of looks and style that rightfully makes all the difference in electing our president. And more importantly, there’s no going back to a world where Taft could be elected looking like a beached whale. Today, he would need some serious air time on “The Biggest Loser” to rehabilitate his political career. Election after election since Kennedy and Nixon bears out the first rule of fashion. While the post-Watergate world screamed for a man of the people and someone above the fray of political lawlessness, it ended up with Jimmy Carter, and a fashion nightmare. There’s a reason Jimmy Carter wasn’t a twoterm president. A fireside chat from the White House in a cardigan sweater was more Mister Rogers than Mister Smith Goes to Washington. Is it realistic to expect that the man with his finger on the bomb staring down the Russians would remind us of some guy that goes to the Land of Make Believe and takes his orders from King Friday? As 1980 bore out, you would rather take a movie star home to Mom and Dad
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than some peanut farmer in a plaid shirt. Images of a fashion-nightmare Mike Dukakis campaign in 1988 are burned into the retinas of fashion-conscious America. Remember the footage of Dukakis tooling around in a tank in full military gear evoking a human chipmunk? Is that a path to the Oval Office? It’s no time to succumb to the drab fashions of fatigues and blast helmets if one wants to look Presidential and Commanderin-Chief like. It’s time to make a bold fashion statement that says, "I’m in charge and I’ll damn well tear the roof off this place when I hit the war zone". I say, there’s nothing wrong with an Armani suit, Gucci leather shoes, and matching hat. The Democrat loser look parade continued with Al Gore in 2000. This election was really about the future. America peered into it and saw an environmental-friendly administration and logically concluded that by a second term, the 27th Amendment to the Constitution would require all Americans to wear nothing but hemp loin clothes. Speaking of which, did anybody see all that footage of John Kerry in 2004 wearing his army jacket as he testified in front of Congress? He looked like he was auditioning for a role 44
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in The Breakfast Club. (See Dukakis, military wear is not "in" unless Fidel Castro is your President.) But enough about the Democrats, what about the Republicans? If there’s one thing the Bush administration taught us, it’s that patriotism is best worn as a flag on a lapel. Military service may seem a patriotic duty, but it’s a fashion look nightmare (see Dukakis and Kerry). Clearly, the Republicans had the "the look" down and recent history was on their side. However, John McCain clearly illustrated the "military look to loserdom" rule. All those photos of the man in uniform from his 20 plus years of service to the country – what a yawn. And granted, it was the 60's and 70’s, but for nearly 6 years the man wore nothing but pajamas. Incidentally, Republicans can forget about 2012. It’s already lost. I have the photos - Bobby Jindal in a Nehru jacket and Mitt Romney in a short sleeve white shirt with tie – to seal their doom.
ANNA SIMONE SINCLAIR
SIKE! GOSSIP THAT HAS ALREADY ´ HAPPENED IS SO PASSE
MS. BAXLEY IS A LICENSED CELEBRITY PSYCHIC. THIS IS HER FIRST FORAY INTO PRESCIENT GOSSIP AND IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY. I TOOK AN EXTRA-LONG BUBBLE BATH for this month’s installment, my sisters! From the delicious to the vicious to the ridiculous the suds have spoken! Next week, Katherine Hagel will be a little too charitable with the DayQuil as she’s pulled over for DUI while attending The March of Dimes gala brunch… Elder cougar Cloris Leachman, sporting her new potato chip shoulder tattoo, will be seen at The Romper Room in NYC later this week flirting with Billy Crudup. Now that’s Karma, Mr. Crudup… Much to everyone’s surprise, wedding bells ring next Sunday for showbiz’s odd couple Mandy Moore and Vin Diesel. We still can’t believe it… After only three dates, the quietly publicized engagement of hot power couple Jennifer Love Hewitt and Kirsten Dunst will end in twenty-three days. Now that’s more like it… Santa Monica! Tippy Lounge! Next Friday! It’s Meow Time for Tyra Banks and Paula Abdul! These two former BFFs during the short-lived reality show “What’s my Mind?” will finally explode into a delicious spectacle of ripped hair extensions and broken two-inch clip-on nails. We can only hope that it’s over a boy with the initials John Hamm… Once again, The Jonas Brothers’ mother will forget to comb their hair right before their 43rd appearance on the Today Show… Time to celebrate week three of Mariah Carey’s controversial diet of wicker and sambuca. Whatever secret project you’re working on, darlin’, we hope it’s worth it… The “quitting acting” trend is still all the buzz as Matt 46
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LeBlanc will be next to put his incredible body of work in the closet to follow his true passion of opening up a camp for bees. Such a loss… Nadya “Octomom” Suleman will finally do the responsible thing and take the best parts of her eight newborns to make one super baby.
TORI BAXLEY
SIKE’S CORRECTIONS FROM LAST MONTH:
I Said: Nicole Richie will be standing over Lindsay Lohan’s dead body with a pellet gun in her hand. I Meant To Say: Tori Spelling will be chowing down on an enormous burger from 5napkin Burger. So Don’t Worry: Lindsay Lohan is still alive… barely.
>insecurious
I DO (BUT) I DON’T MEN HAVE SPORTS, WE HAVE GOSSIP. As it is the end of the wedding season, I wanted to take a break from our normal dating themes, and share with you this week’s special wedding installment: “The Proposal,” from Nancy in Kansas. As always, wherever you are in your journey, I hope this tiny bit of sharing will gently shroud your heart with either nostalgia for the past, hope for the future, or voracious bitterness for the present. “When two hearts race, both win.” Peter was number 5L239-81. I was number 5L239-82. On June 21st, we were running side by side in the Junction Hill Valley Half Marathon. It was our New Year’s Resolution two years ago. It was never about winning the race, it was always about keeping each other positive and focused throughout, and doing it together. We were jogging in the middle of the pack, when around mile 11.5, Peter, who only six months ago resembled a 5 foot 5 inch, 295 pound Leprechan, sped up in front of me, taking the lead. My runner’s ego took over. How dare he pass me, after five months of me ignoring my own running goals just so he could keep pace. What could possess him to think that it was okay to suddenly pass me, a mile and a half from the finish line? I knew it couldn’t be some male insecurity about being beaten by a woman. I had trained him better than that. But still… I easily passed him at mile 12. With one mile to go, I would have easily won, if I hadn’t turned around to see where he was, and slammed into 48
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a stop sign. As I lay down, trying to shake the ringing from my ears, Peter hurdled me like he was late for work and I was a homeless person. When I got up, it was too late to catch up. He had crossed the finish line just barely beating out some high-schoolers running for the school’s baseball team. Crossing the finish line, I wobbled up to Peter. I wanted to yell at him, but I couldn’t breathe yet. I did take comfort in seeing Peter hunched over on his knees, huffing and puffing and an ugly shade of green. I assumed he was trying to apologize, but then Peter unzipped his fanny-pack and took out a tiny black felt box. He wasn’t trying to beat me to the finish line, he was planning on proposing to me at the finish line. Unfortunately, his plan met up with some major obstacles. Peter attempted to stay his ground as seventy-five runners sprinted at him. They barreled through him like he was a soccer cone. With the ring clutched tightly in his bloodied hand, Peter could only whisper “Will you?” before he felt the horror that every runner has nightmares about when they are too dehydrated.
RUN BABY RUN 5 TIPS FOR CHASING HIM DOWN
Peter lost control of every one of his bodily functions. I shut my eyes at the horrid sight of him, bleeding and sitting his own filth. How could I accept such a disgusting proposal that lacked beauty, tact, and most of all romance? Then I thought back to that New Year’s when Peter devotedly promised he would be fit enough to run with me, side by side, in the Junction Hill Valley Half Marathon. And that was all I needed to accept Peter’s proposal… with my eyes firmly shut. – Sincerely, Nancy in Kansas*
RUN, DON’T JOG Don’t run like a girl. There is nothing more unattractive than running like you have wet noodle arms and junk in your trunk. Run like an athlete and his imagination will follow. DEEP STRETCHING His eyes will be fixated on you as you spread your legs far apart, holding on to the back of your calves, and leaning as far forward as you can, exhaling, as you show off how flexible you can be.
CHATTY CATHY Sometimes the best things that are communicated are not said at all. So shut Thank you, Nancy of Kansas, for reminding single women everywhere that if you just close up when running. He doesn’t care about last night’s episode of Dancing with the Stars or your eyes and work through the nightmares, you’re more likely to find your one true love. To your recent Facebook status. Focus on running near him. He’ll notice you. And by keeping the rest of our readers, I look forward to your quiet you’ll be intriguing, mysterious, and with submissions for our next installment: “Blind the right wink or smile, flirty. Dates.” See you next time! Big Smooches. MARGO VAN NORT H20 + GU Margo has been in the “Biz” for 55 years and was the head Water and Energy Gel are the keys to writer for the short-lived ladies journal magazine “Brunch” maintaining your stamina when running. in the 1950s. Ms. Van Nort is an expert on ladies etiquette in the home and, prior to 1971, was prominently featured in Replenishing your fluids offers an amazing magazines and on radio programs. She is still syndicated in opportunity to flirt without making eye over 350 languages and 3 English dialects. contact. DON’T SWEAT If you’re in shape, he won’t mind at all. The sweat tends to look like glistening dew on your body. However, if you’re just starting out, the sweat is overwhelming unattractive. So be patient. You’ll get there. TERI FOXX Terri is a personal trainer in Chatham NY and freelances as a bartender in the Hudson Valley. INSECURIOUS
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>ragamuffin
BRUNO OR BUST A FASHION QUIZ BACK IN MARCH, WE SUBMITTED TEN questions to legendary fashion icon Bruno, host of Austria’s Fashionpolizei. Unfortunately (according to his publicist) Bruno did not have the time to answer these questions, so we thought we would throw them back to our readers and see what you thought the answers should be. Please send your responses via email to bruno@insecurityrag.com, and we’ll publish the best answers with your name in the next issue and on our website.
1 What was the first fashion event you covered?
7 What was Austria's greatest fashion contribution to Hitler's Germany?
2 Nipples or Strings?
8 Which has the most crucial fashion emphasis - a woman's hat, or a woman's sock?
3 What color or decoration makeover might have saved the Berlin Wall? 4 In the future, will it be acceptable to wear women's clothing on one half of the body, and men's on the remaining half? 5 When will culottes make a triumphant return? 6 What is the new fashion capital of the world? 50
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9 Do you agree with those who suggest that high-heeled shoes should be taxed as a luxury, both to help the economy, and to offset lost productivity from walking behind someone wearing them on the subway stairs? (Three-part answer please.) 10 Where do you see the fashion industry in three days?
Photo credit: Universal Pictures Illustration by Naomi Schultz
HERE ARE THE QUESTIONS AS THEY WERE SUBMITTED:
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU… WE HOPE THAT THIS ISSUE HELPED TO SOLVE THESE PROBLEMS FOR YOU YOU DON’T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GOOD WINE AND CHEAP WHINE. YOU ARE AFRAID TO SET MANNEQUINS ON FIRE. YOU ARE UNFAMILIAR WITH 19TH CENTURY ILLNESSES. YOU THINK YOU NEED TO KNOW A BUNCH OF FANCY WORDS. YOU ARE AFRAID TO ASK WHAT A MUFFIN IN A PAIR OF JEANS WOULD LOOK LIKE. YOU BELIEVE THAT SAVING THE ENVIRONMENT IS A MAN’S JOB. YOU AREN’T CONFIDENT ENOUGH TO LOOK GOOD ON A DESERTED ISLAND. R AG A M U F F I N
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>pages bleues THIS IS WHAT'S RIGHT WITH YOU REAL STORIES FROM WOMEN WHO INSPIRE US
SPOTLIGHT:
CHERIE SIMMONS CHERIE SIMMONS IS THE DIRECTOR OF Programs of Young Women on the Move, a non-profit organization founded in Kansas City, Missouri in 2005 to empower middle school and high school girls to live healthy lives filled with positive options. The organization’s primary goal is to help girls discover their personal power and develop skills and behaviors that lead to healthier lifestyle choices that will help them navigate the challenging adolescent years and become healthy and emotionally-resilient adults. We asked Ms. Simmons to send us one of the stories of her life. On paper, I sound good. I sound qualified. I know better. For example, I am driving one of the girls home, and she begins to point out to me her life. “There, that’s where I shot that guy when I was eleven.” “Shot a guy?” I am trying to sound as though this is typical for me and for any 1654
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year-old as I look at her face, sweet and gentle behind the designer glasses. “Yeah, and that guy there, he breaks into houses all the time around here. See them over there? They’re dealers. You don’t want to mess with them.” She explains to me how her father taught her and her siblings to carry razor blades in their mouths. At eight years old she learned to cover the blades in candle wax and store them in her cheek. She didn’t use one until she was ten; that’s when she gave the man trying to drag her off a “smiley face”. She shows me how she would place the blade in her palm, and, as though she were slapping someone from right to left down the cheek, across the chin and up, the blade would leave a smiling flap of skin hanging off the face. She gives me a hug as she gets out. I am still feigning indifference, but the panic I have been masking increases when I get to the end of the street and recognize the name of the road. It is notorious here for murders, gang crimes, and drug activity. The three days I go there to drop her off, I chant to myself,
GIRLS FACE FORMIDABLE LIFE CHALLENGES DUE TO POVERTY, RACISM, SEXISM, LANGUAGE AND CULTURAL BARRIERS… “What am I doing here, what am I doing here, what am I doing here?” It’s a question that is bigger than the physical location I am rapidly scanning to see if I need to duck or run. The girls’ stories leave me bewildered since the stories that should be the exception are the norm. There are stories of mothers killed in the front yard as the children stand beside her and get blood-splattered, grandmas addicted to crack, brothers in gangs, and bullets hitting the wall beside them as they watch TV on some innocuous night; stories about being molested, raped, held down, and that it was their cousin, uncle, mother’s boyfriend, their own father. Their heads bend like parched flowers as they take the blame for the years of abuse and neglect, sure that it is some failing on their own part. I wonder again
what I am doing here. It wasn’t a lifelong goal to do this, to work with middle and high school girls in the urban core. Although I love helping people change their lives, reach their dreams, and find themselves, I thought it would be in some conference room with coffee and donuts, with women’s groups, people in mid-life crisis, and go-getters who saw the value of a life coach. When I met Mary Beth Gentry, Founder and Executive Director of Young Women on the Move, my expectations were glossy. I would go in, help with the curriculum, facilitate sessions with the girls, and swoop back out. She touched me with her vision and passion for working in this county where poverty was the highest in the state, where crime was consuming lives, where girls were faltering in the schools. She explained to me that the girls face formidable life challenges due to poverty, racism, sexism, language and cultural barriers, health disparities, and physical and sexual abuse. She became more impassioned when she told me that no one deserves that, that these girls can’t help where PAG E S B L E U E S
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and what they are born into. She fervently continued, saying that if you change a woman, you change the world and that the World Health Organization knows this. When they educate women, the per capita of a country increases; there are higher crop yields, reduced infant mortality rates, and lower HIV infection rates. She stated that women ARE the ripple effect, and that when a woman is changed, it goes on to her family, then to her community, and her country. I am hooked, and I begin working to help these adolescent girls build resiliency and self-efficacy, to overcome the environmental stressors, to improve their physical, emotional, spiritual and mental health, to become better problem solvers, set goals, and see new possibilities. I am eager to fulfill the mission statement of the group, to empower young women to live healthy lives filled with positive options. As the year progresses, though, I find myself struggling with my role, and the question becomes part of my daily routine. I feel overwhelmed. I feel disgusted that here — in my city, in my country — this poverty, this despair exists. I feel that my Midwest, middle-class upbringing is inadequate for the important things in life, for these girls. I find myself hugging the girls more, as much for me as for them. It is our last session before Easter, and as I am running up the stairs to do some terribly important thing, one of the girls yells at me to come back. It is Arieona, the tough one, the one whose handwriting is so precise, controlled, and small that a magnifying glass can be required to read it. The one whose secrets and scars are held onto in the same way, packing them tightly away into a tiny corner that she tries to avoid at all costs. It has been a personal goal to find the way into Arieona because I see how big her heart and hurt are; because I see how natural she is at love but how much it frightens her to do it. She hands me a card, and I keep my face even until I am upstairs alone. She took the 56
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money she didn’t have and bought a card, for me. I stand in the silence reading the words and feeling it all spill over me. If she had just signed it, left it at the Hallmark sentiment, I would be touched. It talks about what she has learned, how it was taught, what it has meant. When I see that she has written me a message, I sit down right there. She has written, “Ms. Cherie, thank you for all you have done for me. You are the mother I have always wanted. Arieona.” And her writing is open, big, full, and so am I. And, as I come back down the stairs, as I see her look up at me, as I bring her into my arms, as we stand there rocking, all my questions about if I am the right person, if I know the right things, if I have what is needed have been answered. I know why I am really here.
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