INSECURITY RAGAZINE ISSUE 004 by Tanata Productions LLC

WE KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU…

DON'T HATE JUNE

THINK OF IT AS YOUR HUMP MONTH

EFFICIENT CHEATING BECAUSE TIME IS MONEY CONSTELLATION

PRIZE +

JUNE HOROSCOPES

1O THINGS YOUR FRIENDS HATE ABOUT YOU THE SLEEPER MOVIES KINKY KORNER SIKE AB-SOLUTION

15 SEX MOVES HE WON'T BE EXPECTING WILL YOUR

CHILD'S ART BE PROFITABLE? FASHIONABLE

HEALTH CARE

JUNE 2010

CONTENTS

>our insecurities

>raggedy man

FROM THE EDITOR

>hemlines 6

10 THINGS YOUR FRIENDS HATE ABOUT YOU ALL THAT OR NONE OF THAT THONGS WEDGED IN HISTORY HOW TO LOVE JUNE (EVEN IF YOU DON'T) RUIN VALENTINE'S DAY FOR YOUR ENTIRE OFFICE IN 5 EASY STEPS THE SLEEPER MOVIES

REBOUND GIRL DEAR STRUDEL

>insecurious 26

15 SEX MOVES HE'S NOT EXPECTING KINKY KORNER

>insecurity blanket 30

SIKE!

>hanging by a thread 32

FASHIONABLE HEALTHCARE

>rag times

>ragamuffin

7 STEPS TO REDUCE YOUR CARBON FOOTPRINT WILL YOUR CHILD'S ART BE PROFITABLE?

>waxing poetic 22

AB- SOLUTION

36 38 40

10 WORDS YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW EFFICIENT CHEATING CONSTELLATION PRIZE WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU

>pages bleues 42

PAGES BLEUES

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF DESIGN DIRECTOR EXECUTIVE EDITOR FASHION DIRECTOR EXECUTIVE MANAGING EDITOR DEPUTY EDITOR EDITORIAL BRAND DIRECTOR

MEET THE INSECURE TEAM BEAUTY ASSOCIATE BEAUTY EDITOR BEAUTY ASSISTANT

Penny Thurman Nice Reve

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FEATURES SENIOR EDITOR WRITING STAFF

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Clara T. Midori Sauer Bubba P. Meme Meeetropolis Dub P. Audrey Goldstein Kyle Dawson Corina Manchester Margarito Burroughs Tim Pulnik Jaques Barry Bettie Branch Frank Leischman

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

Harriet Bonaparte Rebecca Rhodus, Shawna Richardson, Jennifer Coosebury, Annabella Oreksya, Deirdre Trol-Stevens, Tabby Malloy, Margo Van Norte, Torie Baxley, Rosie Salazar, Kym Tyler-Donnelly, Annabelle Mason, Doreen Canasto, Debbie Kinkokan, Bretty Kyley, Lavontor Smith, Teri Foxx, Chatterly Pendleton, Anna Simone Sinclair, Roberta Anne Jackson Mike Granger

INSECURITYRAG.COM SENIOR WEB DEVELOPER WEB EDITOR

PRODUCER

Penelope Lawrence Eddie Fuentes Beatriz Romano Valasquez Anneler Stephen Barrett Tim Alford Tamara Ellison Justin Michael Smith Lisa Spiteri Dawn Elise Joe Buzzetta

Benjamin T. Haynes, Esquire Lucile Xiong

ADVERTISING ADVERTISING DIRECTOR EXECUTIVE BEAUTY DIRECTOR ADVERTISING SERVICES DIRECTOR

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MARKETING & PROMOTION MARKETING DIRECTOR CREATIVE SERVICES DIRECTOR ART DIRECTOR PROMOTION DIRECTOR ASSOCIATE PROMOTION DIRECTOR SPECIAL PROJECTS MANAGER

Michelle Vincent Amy Gengler Laurel Holland Vikki Schnurr David LaCascia Marlena Pineda

>our insecurities FROM THE

EDITOR A

S I LOOK OUT OVER THE CITY FROM

out of every decision that I made. I remember sitting in the bathroom one morning, wondering what I wanted for breakfast when I heard this voice scream in my head, "Why don't you skip breakfast and lose a couple of pounds?" I don't have to tell you that it has taken several thousands of dollars to quiet that voice, and despite that fact that I still listen to his podcast during my workout sessions, I realized that it isn't actually June that's the problem, it's the June voice screaming at us that makes us hate it so much. When I think about I'd be lying if I said that there weren't the June voice, it shrieks at me, "You're parts of other months that I disdain running out of time, you're going to be (don't get me started on late February), warm and alone, you're not going to but for me, June is the icy dagger that have anything to look forward to, and drags my heart into the desert heat wave for an entire day people are going to of desolate summer doldrums faster than stare at you and wonder why you're not my doorman can hail a cab. Obviously, waving a flag." Well, I'm sorry, but I'm I'm in a much better place, and these tired of being ruled by the June voice, amazing months with the Ragazine has and it's time that you dear reader, stop forced me take a close look at my life letting your June Insecurities rule your and start asking the big girl questions life. that probably haunted the greatest generation during the years following In this issue I've asked our writers to World War II. It's this examination that look at their life through the goggles helped me come up with this month's of this month and find things worth theme: "Don't Hate June". celebrating, and I'm quite pleased with I don't want to get into the messy details what we came up with. I'm particularly of my separation and divorce (and in proud of our look at “Efficient fact our lawyer agrees with me), but Cheating”. needless to say, for those of you who have gone through a divorce (and those So don't hate June, embrace it, love it, of you who will), the hardest part was and most importantly love yourself. figuring out who I was, what it was that I believed in, and most importantly, -PENELOPE LAWRENCE, getting my husband's approval voice EDITOR-IN-CHIEF the beautiful, rent-controlled, three-bedroom apartment that I own, I can't help but reflect on the worst month of the year - JUNE. Everyone I talk to has an opinion about the sixth month of the year, be it the weddings, the warm summer nights, or everyone’s favorite Hallmark patriotic celebration, Flag Day. Unfortunately for me, June holds a more tragic story for my life; it's the month that my husband and I decided to file for a divorce.

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>hemlines

10 THINGS

YOUR FRIENDS HATE ABOUT YOU

10. You're always late. Nothing says you really care like showing up on time. Chronic dawdling is harder on your pals than you think! 9. You forget the little things. One small thank-you note can do a world of good for your friends' feelings! Especially after they take you to Las Vegas! Or whatever -- a note is always nice!

8. You're a bit too honest. No one likes a liar, but the answer to "How does this look on me?" doesn't have to be "It's fine. I guess. Let me try it on."

7. You never call. We're not asking for a surprise party or anything, but a call? On someone's 30th birthday? Is that too much to ask? Really?

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6. The tab ... pick ... up ... the ... TAB ... Just once. ONCE. Or pick a cheaper bar! Either way! Come on!

4. Boyfriend boundaries are beautiful. Yes, you look hot in that new dress. Yes, your boobs are HUGE today. No, my boyfriend doesn't need to confirm all this. While you sit on his lap. In front of me.

2. And my boss. It wasn't even your holiday party, but I guess the Ho has to come from somewhere.

5. Say it after me: "How Are You?" We're sick of hearing about your problems all the time. Share the bitchfest, bitch! Ha ha ... really.

3. In fact, all kinds of boy boundaries are awesome, why don't you try some? My 22-year-old brother? SERIOUSLY?

1. Never mind, I'm not talking to you anymore, get advice somewhere else. I HATE YOU.

ALL THAT OR NONE OF THAT

OUR SPECIAL “DATING FOR TWELVE MONTHS EDITION CONGRATULATIONS. YOU HAVE BEEN DATING FOR TWELVE MONTHS. IN HIS MIND, IT MIGHT BE JUST LONG ENOUGH TO TAKE NOTE OF YOUR LIKES AND DISLIKES, BUT STILL TOO SOON FOR YOU TO HAVE A DRAWER AT HIS PLACE. STILL YOU SHOULD TOTALLY CELEBRATE! (AND IT SHOULD BE HIS RESPONSIBILITY, RIGHT?) SO HERE ARE SOME COMMON SENSE THINGS THAT YOU MIGHT NEED TO NUDGE HIM ABOUT WHEN CELEBRATING YOUR ANNIVERSARY.

ALL THAT • FLOWERS • RESTAURANT WITH CLOTH NAPKIN • CHOCOLATE • A POEM • HOTEL SEX • LOOKS LIKE JOHN HAMM • WINE • JEWELRY

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NONE OF THAT • A PUNCH IN THE ARM • TACO SHACK DRIVE THRU • SELF HELP BOOK • DEAR JANE LETTER • ALLEY SEX • LOOKS LIKE PORKY PIG • A ROOFY • SYPHILIS

HOW TO LOVE JUNE (EVEN IF YOU DON’T)

June has gotten a bad rap lately, and I can understand why. There’s always a lame graduation that you have to write a check for. If it’s a high school graduation, you won’t even get the benefit of a B-list celebrity and potentially controversial commencement speaker. It’s just an endless stream of roll-calling the students’ names until your cousin/neighbor/nephew is called and then you have to loudly applaud or scream something encouraging so the rest of the audience doesn’t find out that he has no friends. Worse yet are the weddings that you’re still expected to be a bridesmaid in. Murphy’s Law dictates that you will only be invited to participate in a June wedding party when you are newly unemployed and have to cough up endless amounts of cash for engagement gifts, shower gifts, out-of-town bachelorette parties, and $800 bridesmaids dresses that make you look like a turtle. The solution to ending the anti-June movement is right in front of you – hate the other months even more! January – Do you have an extra ten pounds left over from the holidays that even your fat pants won’t accommodate? Aren’t you depressed that you have to use your pregnant sister’s trick of using a rubber band to keep your fly together? Then there’s the grossly reduced/ nonexistent Christmas bonus that you were counting on to pay the December credit card bills that keep coming in the mail. Oop s. 10

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February – The weather is grimmer than grim, and who doesn’t hate that stupid groundhog? Then of course, on the 14th is the holiday whose name we dare not speak.

March – For starters, unless you live in San Diego, the weather this month is brutal and unpredictable. Will it be a 15 degree ice storm, 60-mile-an-hour winds, or 75 and sunny? Even the Weather Channel has no idea. Next there’s St. Patrick’s Day, which gives not very Irish people the excuse to put green food coloring in Bud Light and sing bad, ear-splitting renditions of Danny Boy. Does anyone really have a good time doing this? April – Taxes. Did you file that extension on time? We didn’t think so. May – Are you one of those people who insists on taking your mother to a nice restaurant every Mother’s Day because you’re too lazy/useless to cook for her? Then you deserve the flat mimosas, stale bread, missing menu items and waiters who hate you. June - Yay! July – Hot. August – Hotter. Plus everyone you know is on vacation and you can’t get a doctor’s appointment even if your arm is falling off.

October – Ah October. Hot cider, warm fires, pumpkin-carving parties and apples ripe for picking. You will get to do none of these things because you live in Queens. November – Voting. At least June doesn’t force you to make important decisions that affect the planet. Then there’s Thanksgiving. Don’t even get us started on that one. December – You may love the holidays, and December has many of them, but do you love the stress surrounding them? I dare you to walk through Macys or FAO Schwartz a few days before Christmas and emerge without hating all of humanity. There’s a reason we all eat and drink ourselves into a stupor from Thanksgiving through New Year’s Eve. Reasons that June couldn’t begin to understand.

So cheer up, and bust out all over this month.

September – Everyone you know is going back to school, or busy getting their kids back to school, and your job still sucks. WAX I N G PO E TI C

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE WAS FOUND BEHIND THE FILE CABINET DURING OUR RECENT MOVE. WE ARE LEGALLY REQUIRED TO PRINT THIS ARTICLE AS DESCRIBED IN THE BYLAWS OF MS. MASON’S CONTRACT. WE APOLOGIES FOR ANY AFFECTS THIS MIGHT HAVE HAD FIVE MONTHS AGO ON DURING YOUR VALENTINE’S DAY HELL.

OUT OF DATE: RUIN VALENTINE’S DAY FOR YOUR ENTIRE OFFICE IN FIVE EASY STEPS! Are you tired of feeling sorry for yourself at work every February 14th? Why should all the attached ladies have all the fun? Make Valentine's Day interesting when you're single and everyone at your job is in a relationship.

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

STEP ONE: Pretend your birthday is 2/14. Everyone ill have to pay attention to YOU now, even your boss. As a bonus, you can assume every flower delivery is yours and direct them all to your desk. Few people will be brave enough to check the cards.

STEP TWO: Send cute Valentine's cards to all your co-workers, but sign them all from someone’s else’s boyfriend. Sit back and let the fun begin.

STEP FOUR: Start a water cooler rumor about a massive recall of condoms in the tri-state area. Then, disable the office’s internet access for the rest of the day. STEP FIVE: Pretend to field a STEP THREE: Casually frantic phone call from ask each lady which romantic restaurant their an important client that requires the entire office man will be whisking them off to that night. to work late. Sneak No matter what the out early. (It is your birthday, after all.) answer is, look horrified. Reluctantly admit that you moonlight as a waitress there on weekends and they have rats you could ride home on but that you’re sure it will be fine for just one meal.

You may lose a few friends, make more than a few enemies, get fired, and be subject to multiple lawsuits, but we promise that you’ll have an awesome Valentine’s Day!

WAX I N G PO E TI C

THE SLEEPER MOVIES TOP FIVE ROMANTIC

COMEDIES WE NAP TO: It might be a lazy Sunday or you might be home sick with flu, or maybe you can’t sleep because he hasn’t called you. These are the comforting, fail-safe, movies we nap to on the couch. Forgive me; I’m horrible with titles of movies. 1. The one with the affair between the U.S. President and the lobbyist: This predictable love story between the bland President with a butch lobbyist allows you to tune in and out and never feel like you’re missing a thing.

2. I can’t remember the exact title, but I refer to it “There won’t be dialogue”: It’s a story about blood and oil, I think. Honestly, I fell asleep ten minutes into it and was horribly woken up by the guy screaming at the top of his lungs about milkshakes.

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

3. The one about the superhero in the tights- what’s his name, the third movie about him- Webswingers 3, or Wackeywall Crawler 3: I usually watch this with the sound off because I can’t stand listening to that blonde woman’s shrill, but I do get my spidey sense tingling with glimpse of the that buffo wackeywall crawler. Sweet dreams

4. The one about losing a guy in a week and a half. You know the one with the actress I want to throw through a wall half the time. Her mom’s an actress too. The one who was in that old army movie about a solider named Ben- I think it was in the 80’s. Whatever, my favorite part is…zzzzz.

5. The one with the bodyguard and the singer. The bodyguard’s haircut alone is boring enough, but you have to admit, he’s so dreamy when he standing perfectly still watching the singer overact. Great power nap movie.

WAX I N G PO E TI C

>rag times

LOWER YOUR CARB N FOOTPRINT

SEVEN TIPS ALL THE WAY FROM JAPAN

With Earth Day 2010 now a footnote in our electronic PDAs, I thought I'd share some of the forward-thinking tips from last yearâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Global Economic Summit World Awareness Teachathon, held in 2009 in Kyotoyota, Japan. Whether or not irrevocable climate change may be a threat to residents of the planet, here are seven easy tips I brought back from Japan to help you reduce your carbon footprint and ease your impact on the planet: 1. Ichi Nikyo, SubCommander of Tokyo Prefecture Blue Line Grid, has this tip: If you must leave your car at home, remember trains are often particularly crowded. If the orange line is full, please consider taking the comparable blue line and walk the remaining distance.

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

2. The next time you are going on a hike, don't bring plastic utensils! Alternative utensils and even plates are being made from sustainable bamboo. Eye-pleasing designs from Southeast Asia are just a short drive away at your local Eurpoean- Based Ekidna Outlet.

3. Vote yes to corn subsidies. Cheaper corn in this country allows for cheaper corn-based bio-plastics to be developed. If someone asks "Corn?" the answer is yes!

4. Oftentimes there is conflicting information available about what is best for the environment. Who can keep it all straight? When you run across a good conservation article on the internet be sure to print out a copy for yourself and your friends, laminate it and bring it with you for easy reference.

5. Electricity isn't cheap! If you're going to have a fancy teleconference on the internet ask yourself if it would be just as easy to have everyone drive to the same hotel to meet.

6. Recycle your pet dinosaurs. Dinosaurs buried in plastic containers will not break down and convert to petrochemicals for later use. Oil is a perfectly acceptable fuel source so long as the dinosaur supply remains constant.

7. Do not give matches to street urchins. Near crowded bus and train stations, street urchins are most apt to try and give you a "hot foot" prank application (particularly if you have a mustache and are reading the paper). If they give you a hot foot, you are 85% more likely to leave a carbon footprint once you stop hopping.

8. (Bonus Tip!) Are you doing enough for the environment? Ask yourself this every day. If the answer is no, do something about it (see steps 1-7).

WAX I N G PO E TI C

WILL YOUR CHILD’S ART BE PROFITABLE? We all wish we’d had the chance to snap up an early Van Gogh before he was discovered. By the same token, we all want to encourage our children in those things they can excel at and perhaps even enjoy. Taking a cue from the motion picture industry’s can’t-fail-approach of using statistical analysis to back promising films, up and coming Venture Capital Group StAsthete LLC is applying it to visual art. As Statistical Analysis is applied to Hollywood, binders of “Data Points” are combined into “Data Nodes” and run through an expensive proprietary computer algorithm to compare past financial performance of films containing correlative data points, such as cast, director, theme, setting, film length, score, time of You may not have access to a fancy year, etc. Kray computer in your basement like the people in Hollywood, but any parent who’s ever taken a basic high school geometry class can spot parallels.

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Below we’ve tagged statistical data points in both children’s artwork and the works of the great masters, and use these to give sample, non-legally binding forecasts of whether their art career is worth investing in, or whether you should encourage them to explore other interests as well as those they only find emotionally fulfilling. 1. “Untitled,” Piet Mondiran, aged 42, 1937 22 x14, repeating use of three color motif, blue, yellow, red, white. Lines at 90 degree angles, squares, no people. Urban setting, Oil paint, paintboard, painted during major global conf lict.

1A. “Everybody Picnic (Something I Made)”, Ken Finch, 6 22 x 14, repeating use of three color motif, blue, red, yellow, white. Lines at approx 90 degree angles, rhomboid shapes, squares, no people. Urban setting. Oil paint, Oaktag, painted during major global conf lict. Thematic Match: XX%, Projected sale at auction of later work: XXXXX.Sale at auction: XXXXXXX. R AG G E DY M AN

2. “Matilda” Paul Gauguin, aged 42, 1897 Nude, fruit, bright colors, daring-level subject, tropical setting, morning, oil paint, canvas, bearded male painter. Sale at aution: XXXX

2A. “Boobies”, aged 12, 2007 Nude, fruit?, bright colors, daring-level subject, morning, magic marker, wall, semibearded painter. Thematic Match: XX% Projected Sale at auction: XXXXXXX.

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3. “Untitled 26” Georgia O’Keefe, Aged 76, 1965. Large canvas, close-up of open f lower, muted colors, realistic, daytime, desert, oil, canvas, female, septuagenarian, married painter, two-word title.

3A. D. “Girl Flower” Samantha Ahtnamas age 6, 2005. Legal paper, close-up of open f lower, muted colors, realistic, daytime, drawn after dessert, crayon, female, 7, unmarried, painter, two-word title.

While St. Athete points out their algorithm is improved in accuracy with every data set entered and prediction confirmed, their equipment is very expensive and no major financial decisions should be made without the use of a trained projectionist. Still clear connections can be made between representative artworks. So go ahead, encourage your child to do what they want, it’ll come in handy later. The world will always need more statisticians.

R AG G E DY M AN

>waxing poetic

AB-SOLUTION!

It sounded totally doable on December 31st, right? You would join a gym, work out, eat healthy, and achieve those sexy toned abs you see on TV. It’s a couple of months later, and reality has set in. This resolution is freaking impossible! Don’t panic; just modify your resolution to a moderate attainable goal. Even a slight difference is a difference, and will result in victory!

LAST YEAR I WOULD

IDEALLY I SHOULD

THIS YEAR I COULD

For breakfast, eat waffles Eat yogurt or cereal. with chocolate syrup and a side of bacon. Watch Good Morning Go for a morning run America, while getting dressed.

Eat twelve apple ‘n’ cinnamon breakfast bars. Run frantically around my house searching for my house keys before leaving for work.

Chicken and Broccoli with Eat a salad and a Protein shake. white rice and an order of egg rolls and a fortune cookie- from Mr. Fong’s Hut.

Still order from Mr. Fong’s but replace white rice with brown rice, and egg rolls for fried spring rolls.

Press the automatic handicap button on the door to enter a building.

Refill the Xerox machine with three heavy reams of paper all by myself.

10 reps of 10 lbs Weights.

A snack of 47 handfuls Have a snack of fruit and of M&M’s from the secret vegetables. stash in my desk.

A box of trans-fat free cheez-nips, a fat-free pudding cup, and 2 diet cokes.

Join the girls for cocktails Join an evening Yoga class. Dance on the bar to at Happy Hour. Olivia Newton John’s song Physical after doing shots. Happy Hour special: Fried Dinner: sensible dinner Calamari and Hot Wings. portion.

Continue with the liquid diet, but be sensible, switch to Merlot.

11pm stumble home drunk.

11 pm. dash to the store for a pint of ice cream.

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Meditate and in bed by 11:00 pm.

>raggedy man

REBOUND GIRL Dear Rebound Girl, I’m trying to decide between leather, lace and silk for my summer swimsuit… and black, red, or white. Advice? -Wanna B Sexy 4 My Lover Dear WBS4ML, Rebound Girl has gone to an undisclosed location in preparation for Summer Vacation for the sixth month of the year, and is unable to read, think about, and/or respond to any questions at this time, as far as we know. We wish her well wherever she is doing whatever she is doing during this very… charged month and look forward to her return. We do, Rebound Girl. You are missed… Sincerely, X at Insecurity Rag

R AG G E DY M AN

DEAR STRUDEL... Dear Strudel, I am writing to you for I have nowhere else to turn. I have been a good wife for fifteen years and an even better mother for just over ten. My house is immaculate, my wardrobe, impeccable and my family, beautiful. My life’s work has been building and maintaining my perfect solid family, but now, I thirst for more. My friends at the PTA make fun of my retro-lifestyle. I am not what you call “hip.” They are constantly asking questions like was I cryogenically frozen from the 1950's? For which, I straighten my pillbox hat, and politely respond with a no. Then they let me know that some “Mad Men” called and they want their girdle back. I just politely smile because to be honest I don’t know why mad men would wear a girdle. During my usual afternoon dusting, I happened to flip on the television where a woman was riding a man nudely like on a horse! I could not bear to look at this filth, but yet, I could not turn away! Her control, her abandon, her confidence, her rhythmic moaning, her disregard for the church. It was disgusting, and I dare say I loved it! I have not been the same since. I can no longer concentrate on dinner, chores, 24

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or preparing my husband's nightly dirty martini! I have tried to become more provocative with my husband, but I feel and look foolish. There are words and acts I cannot bear to do or say, it’s so unproper! I cannot find a balance between my two worlds as devoted housewife and vile whoredom. What is wrong with me! I need help! The Hungry Housewife P.S. - The Tuna Casserole recipe I enclosed was all a ruse to hide my true smut-ridden intentions from my husband. I suggest you substitute the green olives with celery.

Dear Hungry, Wow. Where do I begin? There's something so disturbingly warm about your vintage values. How-EV-ah!! I was you back in the day. I ain’t gonna lie. When knockin’ boots, I was a dead fish layin’ there like a lame sack of potatoes. Tru’dat! Then an elite thought smacked my booty up! I am the QUEEN of the scrapbooking world. I got paper, glue and memories skillz, yo. So, I started using that scrapbooking sass in the bedroom! I thought of autumn colored themed books and BAM I was on top. I silently repeated multi colored card stock names and I rice papering him all night long. And girrrrrl, whenever I pictured my 1997 seasonal scrapbook “Snowman's Frolic”, well, let's just say, I'm always “peeking”. And don't even get me started on my rubber stamp! Lord have mercy, hellooooo! Here’s what you got, got, gotta do! Do your domestic chores when he comes home. Put on a shorter housedress than usual, and while feather dusting, look over your shoulder at him. Then get on your hands and knees and scrub and glance, scrub and glance, scrub and glance. Child, he will forget how to read his newspaper, and stop sucking on his pipe. Then when things get intimate, start to recite those recipes that you know you got goin' on. While kissing allow yourself to get drunk with ingredients. Feel the frisky confidence

that comes with ¼ teaspoon of paprika, and 2 cups of Miracle Whip! You’re in control, sista, and you didn't do anything out of the ordinary. I guarantee your hubby's tighty whiteys will tighten up with sinful excitement! He will become putty in your yellow rubber gloved hands! Go get 'em tigeress! Love, Ladiboi extrodinaire, Strudel Metropolitan P.S. - Damn that casserole was scandalous! You are a kitchen goddess. I worship your casserole fierceness!

I N S E C U R I TY B L AN K E T

>insecurious

15 SEX MOVES HE’S NOT EXPECTING WE CAN’T BE HELD RESPONSABLE FOR THE OUTCOME, AND WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T TRY THEM ALL AT ONCE. Jump his bones for a change. A recent study of Princeton undergrads revealed that “surprise” and “circumstantial ambiguity” rated highest on turn-ons, while “hum drum” and “predictable” sex ranked the lowest. “Guys’ll just go to ridiculous lengths to get in bed with a woman, so it’s a turn on to us when we see women willing to put themselves out their sexually.”

EXTRA SPICY!

SPANKING

A LITTLE B&D

DRIVE HIM WILD!

Using a paintbrush dab mustard (I like Dijon) in a trail six inches above each knee.

Remove his shirt. Using an edible pigment like chocolate sauce, working tantilizingly and slowly paint the lowercase consonants “B” and “D” on his chest. Lick them off. 26

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When he does something you don’t like, spank him.

THE SHOCKER

When he’s close to climaxing slip your big toe up his butt.

Tea-Bagging - You hear everyone talking about it, why not try it? Wait ‘til he’s relaxed and asleep. Take six tea-bags (lipton orange pekoe works best), and slip three of them between his toes on each of his feet while he’s asleep. Listen to him moan.

AROUND THE WORLD

Guys like yo-yos, right? Go to your local bookstore or order on line a book called “YoYo’s for YoYos” turn to page 37, there is a trick called “Around the World” in which you release the yo-yo, it returns up and with a flick of the wrist it extends again at 90 degree angles like the spokes of a wheel. This will get him so hot, you have no idea. For an added treat, try it with your other hand.

ROLE PLAY

Dress up like historical figures. This can be very liberating. Pick a powerful woman from history to roleplay, for example you can dress up like Eleanor Rosevelt and usher him into your oval office.

RECORD YOUR POSTERIORS FOR POSTERITY

Every guy wants to capture you naked in digital form. First make him swear, swear! he won’t post it on the internet. Get a tape recorder and set it no farther than five feet from your bed or boat -wherever you’re going to be having spontaneous coitus. Make sure the microphone is on, and let it rip. Then rip his clothes off.

THREE WAYS-EVERY GUYS' FANTASY

Monday morning as he leaves for work tell him you’ve been reading about three ways, and this week is going to be VERY memorable. Then during the week, try having sex in all 3 positions.

SEXUAL ATHELETE

Guys like sex. Guys like watching football. Dress up like John Madden or his favorite coach and order him around the bedroom.

MORE PLAY WITH MORE TOYS-WHY SHOULD YOUR P***Y HAVE ALL THE FUN?

Many couples like to incorporate playful sexual toys into their usual routine. Just like you’d have rubber toys for your dog, or cat, have some for your man. Available now in all sizes, shapes, colors and materials you can get some that look like bones, rib-eye steaks, and even birds. Newer models even squeak, and some can be filled with drugs.

LIGHTS OUT

Do it with the lights off.

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2 27 7

CREAM PIE

Ask him to sit at the foot of the bed and close his eyes. Take an aluminum baking pan (pie is good) and fill it with spray whipped cream (not spray cheese!). When his eyes are closed plant it on his face, when he opens his eyes in delight, let him have another.

EXTRA KINKY!

When the mood strikes you, tell him you have a surprise for him. Refuse to tell him what it is. Say “Let’s try something different tonight, I think you’ll like it.” Using a scarf, or even one of his ties, blindfold yourself. Your senses will be heightened to a level you may not have found before and you can tickle him, pounce on him, go down on him, whatever you most desire.

GETTING FREAKY

DRIVE HIM WILD!

Tamara Blonde is a budding sex therapist. She lives in Minneapolis, New Mexico. 28

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

If your man is like mine, he gets home from work about the same time every day. If he’s like most men, he won’t expect you to dress as a ninja and jump out of a hedge at him. It’ll bring out the sexual warrior in him.

KINKY KORNER: YOU SEND THEM; I REVIEW THEM The title left nothing to the imagination and neither did her performance. The strip itself was dull on the verge of boring with a tad of disturbed thrown in. Her repeated question, “Do you want to penetrate me?” left me blind "STRIP FOR MY MAN" with vomit. She fails to grasp the basis RUNNING TIME 2:04 concept of stripping which is to tease STARRING ILLANA by wearing as little clothing on as possible. Donning a sweat suit, thermal IIana’s clearly has decided that, even though her man is out of town, she’s not underwear, a muffler, mittens, and earmuffs might only get her Eskimo going to let time or distance keep her from seducing him. We applaud Illana’s kisses. Under the circumstances, we were relieved Ilana did not take her verve of spontaneity, but this piece has sweet time taking it all off; however I no structure, storyboard, or script. pray that she never tries to bust a move Although we applaud her for being able ever again. The dance maneuver that to install her brand new webcam without can only be described as the Hunkadunka-junka-trunka-bunk. This ended any help from her kids or grandkids, the web video with a crash, as she fell Ilana’s artist choice of stripping the ass backwards over the desk chair, entire time to the sensual tones of the ripping the webcam out of its USB port NPR Fundraising Drive on her clock and putting us out of our misery. radio seemed a little distracting. I felt less turned on, and more guilty for not Do we want to penetrate Ilana? The pledging any money. answer is obvious. The final analysis is that we were subjected to a drunk lonely woman trying to connect with her missing man who we envision has joined the circus or enrolled in the witness protection program. LET ME SAY THANK YOU FOR everyone's submissions this month. The seasons are changing and sex is in the air and the weather is hot, hot, hot! So let’s take it off!

Until next time. TILLIE HOFACKER I N S E C U R I TY B L AN K E T

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>insecurity blanket

SIKE! INSECURITY RAGAZINE'S

CELEBOVOYANT GOSSIP COLUMN BRINGING YOU TOMORROWâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S GOSSIP, TODAY! MY JIMMY CHOOS ARE LIGHTING UP WITH EXCITING NEWS FROM TINSEL TOWN!

The speculation surrounding Charlie Sheen lately will prove to be tricky in the near future. Whether or not he will return to Two and a Half Men has Hollywood a-buzz as he is said to be looking for new projects that are more him. Next fall, expect his new project to hit your televisionsâ&#x20AC;Ś Two and a Half Hookers.

With her new movie, The Last Song tanking faster than a scud missile at the box office and sexy lap dance pics flying across the internet, Miley Cyrus will decide to go back to her bread and butter. 30

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

Expect, Hannah Montana: The Golden Years to be coming to theatres near Florida or anywhere people play canasta and eat blended up food. Music fans will not be disappointed as I see Britney Spears is going to come out of her walking coma for a sweet breakdown. Her constant diet of cheetos and mochas have kept the crazies at bay, but sources close to the spirit world have told me that a rampage is near. Lady Gaga will also be creating a stir, when she reveals she is not a man or a woman but the alien that Stephen Hawking has been referring to lately. With all the clique swapping on Housewives of New York, things will take a savage turn at Bendels when a weavepulling catfight gets out of control when the last purple croc Hermes Birkin is up for grabs. The Choos are naming crazyeyes Ramona as the winner. In other reality news, Millionaire Matchmaker Patty Stanger is soon to be married and in her pre nup, Patty will have to agree never to refer to his privates as his picker and hers as the vajayjay.

Justin Bieber has set the tween world on fire with his 12-year-old smile and sexy bowl cut. And his fans aren’t kidding with the death threats!! The good news is, ladies of 14 and under, Bieber’s fame is only a ploy as his master plan is to set up a compound in Utah and marry 15 wives so that baby Biebers can pollinate the planet.

SIKE'S CORRECTIONS FROM LAST MONTH: I SAID: Tori Spelling will be eating a cheeseburger. I MEANT TO SAY: Tori Spelling will be eating her words! SO DON’T WORRY: Keanu Reeves is not homeless, contrary to popular belief.

Even though Kate plus 8 Gosselin will not win Dancing with the Stars this season, I predict she will inspire reverse mullets everywhere to grow out. Betty White will take over the world. Until next month – follow your spirit guide, but don’t let it take you into Gucci!

MS. BAXLEY IS A LICENSED CELEBRITY PSYCHIC. THIS IS HER FIRST FORAY INTO PRESCIENT GOSSIP, SO THIS STUFF PRETTY MUCH WON'T HAPPEN.

I N S E C U R I TY B L AN K E T

>hanging by a thread

A LOOK AT FASHIONABLE HEALTH INSURANCE

6 5 4 3

Cindy has been around for a long time, but seems to always want a fashion referral before she'll even talk to you. As a model, she gave and gave to the camera, but as a health care plan she is often criticized for not paying for patients who used out-of-network surgeons that practiced at an innetwork hospital covered by her plan.

CRAWDFORD

KATE MOSS (A SHIELD)

Although clearly the m figure in fashion histo fooled by this waif's p of-network drug plan push to prevent dialys exercising out-of-netw

Heidi is as fierce as th with unexplained sca not feel bad about car Pregnant women hav absolutely gorgeous b have a difficult time c from her.

KLUMANA

AFLECK

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

Okay, so Ben's more of a life insurance plan, but then again he's not really a supermodel either. This confusion probably led to him not paying disability claims.

After my father's health insurance stopped coverage for what they called "out of network cosmetic surgery", I decided it was time to venture out into the real world and find an insurance company that represented who I was and the type of medical protection I needed. I don't know if you noticed, but everyone seems to be upset about health insurance, public options, and something called Medicare. What's missing in this debate, however, is which health plan fits your lifestyle. As a fiercely fashionable gal, the last thing that I wanted was to show up at some doctor's office and be laughed at because my health insurance was the fashion equivalent of a ketchup coiffure. Rather than be disgraced, I read some pamphlets and found the top six plans for the fashionably well. Note: Since my father is a VP at a major insurance company, he recommended that I don't use real names. Since I like to write what I know, I've substituted in supermodels names for this article.

AND KATE'S

most identifiable ory, don't be penchant for outns and her recent sis patients from work rights.

hey come, and people ars should definitely rrying her card. ve reported having babies even if doctors collecting money

1 3

GISELE'S HEALTH INSURANCE (GHI)

A top of the line insurance carrier who won't mind if you don't know the difference between Portuguese and Spanish (Tom Brady didn't). Going with Gisele means that there are lots of unexpected benefits, even if she recently stopped coverage on certain procedures. In general, you can't go wrong her, but there is one plan that beats the rest.

I'm sorry, but paperwork is stupid, and as my father says, the only good economy is a cash economy. If you're young, successful and fashionable, you most definitely have a pile of cash available. Even if you have to run up a Master Card, it's way better than having to

NO HEALTH INSURANCE

fish through some crappy handbag to find out what your identification number and co-pay is. So yes, let Congress argue about how they're going to pay for healthcare. If they had any brains, they'd look no further than the fashion runways for the answer. I N S E C U R I TY B L AN K E T

>raggamuffin 10 WORDS

YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW THE EVERYONE'S LIST

WHO NEEDS A DICTIONARY OR A THESAURUS WHEN YOU CAN ELMINATE THOSE PESKY LITTLE WORDS THAT NOBODY USES ANYMORE...

passion (as in "mania") n. : an irrational but irresistible motive for a belief or action Everybody already has it, so why bother?

fierce (as in "boisterous") adj. : violently agitated and turbulent; "boisterous winds and waves"; "the fierce thunders roar me their music"- Ezra Pound; "rough weather"; "rough seas" At one time used to describe Dorothy Parker; it’s better used now to depict a cheese snack. spirit (as in "liveliness") n. : animation and energy in action or expression; "it was a heavy play and the actors tried in vain to give life to it" Even with an “s” on the end, this word is so outdated that even the

breathe (as in "emit") v. : expel, as of gases and odors Apparently all soulful waif singers were assigned this topic in

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

hero (as in "mythical being") n. : (Greek mythology) priestess of Aphrodite who killed herself when her lover Leander drowned while trying to swim the Hellespont to see her More interesting as a sandwich, and by the way, everyone is eating panini salad strips. trust (as in "sell") v. : extend credit to We have confirmation that God sold this at a yard sale and threw in a few minor religions for free. excellence (as in "feature") n. : something in which something or some one excels: "the use of herbs is one of the excellences of French cuisine" Not spilling water is the new bar. dream (as in "pipe dream") n. : a fantastic but vain hope (from fantasies induced by the opium pipe); "I have this pipe dream about being emperor of the universe" Back in the old days you could purchase one for a dime. Now theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re being left on the sidewalk like gum-covered pennies. visionary (as in "airy") adj. : not practical or realizable; speculative; "airy theories about socioeconomic improvement"; "visionary schemes for getting rich" Coming soon to a mall-sponsored chain near you. Make sure your insurance covers it. Now accepting all major credit cards. compassion (as in "mercifulness") n. : the humane quality of understanding the suffering of others and wanting to do something about it Unless thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a televised entertainment evening of sponsor-free music, whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s the point?

R AG G AM U F F I N

EFFICIENT CHEATING So he's gone and done it again. The hotel receipt, the matchbook from that trendy bar he refuses to take you to, the EZ-Pass records that clearly show he wasn't at his mother's last weekend, all of these tell-tale signs of his infidelity towards you. As painful as it is, what's more devastating is the unprofessional and inefficient manner in which he's doing it. You're a professional gal and would never put up with this inept practices from the twenty six people who work directly underneath you, why would you put up with it from the man you put on a pedestal? If he's going to cheat on you, make him do it on your terms, with the skills that you used to beat Krzesinski out of that promotion. Insecurity Ragazine has assembled our favorite business tools to make sure that his indiscretions don't cut into your valuable time with him, because as we all know, time is money.

BASECAMP

MINT.COM

As the premier online project management software, Basecamp will allow you to schedule, budget and set deadlines for your significant other's extracurricular affairs. Best of all, it's easy to sign up and schedule any new gal pals he may choose to chat up while you're on that business trip to Frankfurt.

Two timing doesn't mean you have to put up with double dipping. Mint. com will allow you to track his bank account, credit cards, financial investments and 401k, all in one easy to read web page. When he cries poor at Chris Ruth's, you can simply point out to him that he should spend more time at Motel 6 and less time at the Sheraton.

TRIPIT Hotels, rental cars, and (gulp) airline tickets, Tripit can help you and your cheating charlie find the best online deals and receive reward points, and up to date status reports on where his rocky relationship road might be delayed or derailed. 36

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

LEGAL ZOOM Unless he's sleeping with a lawyer, he should probably read up on common law marriage and restraining orders.

AMAZON PRIME Free two day delivery on everything from lingerie to small arms purchases will help keep shipping costs down and give you both a couple of days to experience buyer's remorse.

TWITTER/TUMBLER Let's be honest, you probably found out about his faithful facade on Facebook, which means you cancelled your account and can't be bothered with re-friending your mutual acquaintances. By starting a Twitter account that forwards your tweets to your tumblelog, you can keep everyone in the loop and later sell your book of indfedelity to Houghton Miflin for millions of dollars.

INTERN (ANALOG) Perky Patty in marketing will annoy even his libido after a few months, so why not schedule her to spend a weekend at the summer cottage while you're in Brisbane on an "emergency" trip. Chances are she'll ask where the pool towels are and end up in the hot tub wearing nothing but her starting salary of $25,000 the week he breaks it off and comes crawling back to you.

By using some, or all of these tools, you'll help to insure that even though your relationship with your lying lover isn't ideal, it will be well managed, under budget and completed in a timely manner. After all, in today's tough economic climate, love isn't personal, it's business.

SKYPE You've been up every night this week solidifying the Warner account and it's the first morning you've had to sleep in over 6 months. Surprise, surprise, Mr. Frisky wants to share his sunshine with you. With a Skype account, he can go in the other room and sext his wild oats with whomever he's banging that week. Let her deal with his smelly breath. R AG G AM U F F I N

>ragamuffin

CONSTELLATION PRIZE INSECURITY HOROSCOPE JUNE 2010

MISTRESS MADISON INTERPRETS YOUR HEAVENLY ADVICE FOR THE FIRST OFFICIAL MONTH OF SUMMER ... DON'T FORGET YOUR SUNSCREEN! YOUR SKIN ISN'T SAFE ANYWHERE!

ARIES

CANCER

TAURUS

LEO

Don't you think you might be just a little too pushy, Miss Ram? Why not let the summer unfold, see where the wind takes you? All that party planning and going out to get what you want can be very offputting! At least, that's explanation for why there's still no Mr. Ram ...

Your sign is known for their American Idol-worthy vocal stylings. But don't get carried away -- watching every word you say is the new black! So sit back and listen, and for the love of the cosmos, say no to that karaoke invite.

GEMINI

It was just your birthday month, so you're probably still basking in the glow of the celebration ... and carrying that delicious cupcake binge around on your thighs. Ease up, Twins, you're not supposed to celebrate for two!

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E

The stars are concerned that you're too sensitive. Who's going to take care of everyone else if you're getting your feelings hurt all the time? We need some attention, too! The stars, that is. Look at the stars. Call your friends. Reach out.

Here's a thought: maybe wacky hats are NOT the new belted dresses. Just saying.

VIRGO

Poor, sweet Virgo, slaving away, faithfully depositing money into your savings account every month, picking up after your slovenly roommate's boyfriend, not knowing if he'll ever get a job and stop erasing your DVR'd episodes of The Hills, not eating dessert for nearly nine years now, whitening your teeth four times a day and wondering why no one else bothers to even floss before they come over to your desk and blither on about sports and the Octomom and who even cares about Jon and Kate Plus Eight charges of infidelity??? You are a SAINT and no one appreciates you.

LIBRA

Make up your mind, would you? With all the conveniences of modern life, you can't push two numbers on your cell phone and call him already? Some people are tired of ordering you apple martinis (a subject for another month, Libra!) and listening to you whine about it.

SCORPIO

Your cell phone could be cuter, right? All your girlfriends have cute charms on theirs. And would it kill you to blow dry your hair? Sure, you're young, it's summer, whoo-hoo. Those sportswriters aren't going to be calling forever, honey.

SAGITTARIUS

Maybe your Match.com profile shouldn't say "Sex On Heels". Especially since you're married. And a man.

CAPRICORN

Every time someone tries to get close to you, you run away. Social aspirations are all well and good, but everyone can see your ladder 'o' desperation, and a degree from Wesleyan is a thin blanket in these cold times.

AQUARIUS

The stars would like to point out that shoes don't repair themselves. Also, they are not fooled by the Kate Spade bag you bought yourself for law school graduation five years ago -- and say, isn't it time to take the bar exam?

PISCES

You smell like fish. Just kidding! No, not really. R AG G AM U F F I N

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WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU… WE HOPE THAT THIS ISSUE HELPED TO SOLVE THESE PROBLEMS FOR YOU YOU'RE A BIT TOO HONEST, HONEST STRIPPING FOR YOUR MAN DOESN'T ALWAYS ADD UP TO BOX OFFICE SUCCESS. CASH IS KING, AND PAPERWORK IS FOR PEASANTS. GPS EQUALS ESP WHEN IT COMES TO A CHEATING HEART. IF YOU CAN SKIP THE OTHER MONTHS OF THE YEAR WITH SOME TYPE OF TIME-SHARE, DO IT. TUNA CASSEROLE CAN BE YUMMY BETTY WHITE WILL TAKE OVER THE WORLD. 40

INSECURITY R AG A Z IN E