INSECURITY RAGAZINE ISSUE 02 by Tanata Productions LLC

WE KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU…

AROUND THE HOUSE

BEAUTY SECRETS HALLOWEEN HANGOVER

IT'S OUR SECONDS ISSUE

DO YOU REMEMBER YOUR FIRST?

SEXY COSTUMES

PUT HIM ON MY TAB

DEPRESSED ABOUT YOUR HAPPY WEIGHT? SIKE REBOUND GIRL A 2ND LIFE FOR VINTAGE CLOTHES CONSTELLATION PRIZE

DO YOU HAVE THE

CRAZY EYES? UNSEXY VERSUS UNSKANKY HOLIDAY ISSUE 2009

CONTENTS 24

!"#$%&'()*#$&+&)( 8

FROM THE EDITOR

!,)-.&')( 10 12 14 14 18 20 21 22 24

I'M AT MY HAPPY WEIGHT, PASS THE CAKE! BEAUTY TIPS FROM CELEBRITY STAND-INS ALL THAT OR NONE OF THAT THONGS WEDGED IN HISTORY BIID HIM GOODBYE 10 WORDS YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW THE MANNY HAPPY RETURNS TOP FIVER LIST LITTLE DUCE COUPE CRAZY EYES

!$/0%+&-)( 28 30 40

FRANCES CLEVELAND: FIRST LADY, SECOND HUSBAND HALLOWEEN HANGOVER BE GONE! SLOPPY SECONDS

!$/00)45%-/' 48 50

REBOUND GIRL ASK A QUESTION

!,/'0&'0%65%/%+,$)/4 54

A SECOND LIFE FOR CLOTHES

!&'()*#$&+5%6./'7)+ 58

SIKE!

!&'()*#$&"#( 60 62

KINKY KORNER MY ICECAPS ARE MELTING OR GLOBAL WARMING MAKES ME HORNY

!!"#"$%&'( 64 66 67

CONSTELLATION PRIZE SECONDS WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

!3/0)(%6.)#)( 70

SPOTLIGHT: MICHELLE M. GARCIA

!1/2&'0%3")+&* 42 44 46

AROUND THE HOUSE BEAUTY SECRETS 5 WAYS TO DROP A DRESS SIZE IN A WEEK UNSEXY OR UNSKANKY

C O N TE N TS

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF DESIGN DIRECTOR EXECUTIVE EDITOR FASHION DIRECTOR EXECUTIVE MANAGING EDITOR DEPUTY EDITOR EDITORIAL BRAND DIRECTOR PHOTOGRAPHY DIRECTOR

MEET THE INSECURE TEAM BEAUTY ASSOCIATE BEAUTY EDITOR BEAUTY ASSISTANT

Penny Thurman Nice Reve

ART DIRECTOR GRAPHIC DESIGN ENTERTAINMENT DIRECTOR BEAUTY DIRECTOR ILLUSTRATIONS AND ARTWORK

FEATURES SENIOR EDITOR WRITING STAFF

ART DEPUTY ART DIRECTOR ILLUSTRATIONS AND ARTWORK DIGITAL IMAGE SPECIALIST ART MANAGER

Annette Riley Robert Monegan Delora Rogowski Chandra Robbins

FASHION INTERPRETE HAUTE COUTURE FASHION AND ACCESSORIES MARKET DIRECTOR SENIOR FASHION MARKET EDITOR ACCESSORIES EDITOR FASHION ASSISTANT SENIOR FASHION EDITOR SENIOR BOOKING EDITOR FASHION EDITOR ASSOCIATE FASHION EDITOR

Neno Avendre Pat Parr Norma Chu Madison Hearst Tabitha Michelson Luther Evans Cara Polk Olive Wright Kellee June

Penelope Lawrence Eddie Fuentes Beatriz Romano Valasquez Anneler Stephen Barrett Tim Alford Tamara Ellison Clara T. Justin Michael Smith Justin Michael Smith Susan Wilson Sheryn Braun Robert Monegan

ASSOCIATE EDITOR EXECUTIVE ASST. TO EDITOR-IN-CHIEF EDITORIAL ASSISTANT MEDICAL ADVISORY BOARD

Harriet Bonaparte Rebecca Rhodus, Shawna Richardson, Jennifer Coosebury, Annabella Oreksya, Deirdre Trol-Stevens, Tabby Malloy, Margo Van Norte, Torie Baxley, Rosie Salazar, Kym Tyler-Donnelly, Annabelle Mason, Doreen Canasto, Debbie Kinkokan, Bretty Kyley, Lavontor Smith, Teri Foxx, Chatterly Pendleton, Anna Simone Sinclair, Roberta Anne Jackson Mike Granger Patrick Michaels Scottie Coffman Dr. Timothy Kirchhoefer

INSECURITYRAG.COM SENIOR WEB DEVELOPER WEB EDITOR BEAUTY EDITOR

Benjamin T. Haynes, Esquire Lucile Xiong Mauro Holcomb

PHOTO PRODUCER PHOTOGRAPHER HAIR AND MAKE-UP WARDROBE STYLING PROP STYLING SENIOR PHOTO EDITOR, RESEARCH PHOTO PRODUCTION ASSOCIATE ASSOCIATE EDITOR, RESEARCH COPY AND RESEARCH COPY AND RESEARCH DIRECTOR DEPUTY COPY CHIEF RESEARCH EDITOR COPY EDITOR

Clara T. Midori Sauer Bubba P. Meme Meeetropolis Dub P. Audrey Goldstein Kyle Dawson Corina Manchester Margarito Burroughs Tim Pulnik Jaques Barry Bettie Branch Frank Leischman

ADVERTISING & SALES ADVERTISING DIRECTOR DIRECTOR OF MARKETING STRATEGY EXECUTIVE BEAUTY DIRECTOR ADVERTISING SERVICES DIRECTOR

MARKETING & PROMOTION MARKETING DIRECTOR CREATIVE SERVICES DIRECTOR ART DIRECTOR PROMOTION DIRECTOR ASSOCIATE PROMOTION DIRECTOR SPECIAL PROJECTS MANAGER PROMOTION COORDINATOR

INSECURITY R AG A Z I N E

Leo Stiles Jimmy Arlene Maureen Cooper Alfred Miles

Michelle Vincent Amy Gengler Laurel Holland Vikki Schnurr David LaCascia Marlena Pineda Milos Pellerin

!"#$%&'()*#$&+&)( FROM THE

EDITOR

SECONDS…HMMM, THERE ARE A LOT OF things in my life that I've been given a second chance with — this Ragazine for one. The first time that Josephine asked me to be Editor-inChief, I was going through a messy divorce, had just moved back to New York, and was in no way, shape, or form ready to take on the heavy responsibility this publication presents. I guess you could say that my divorce is another second, not marriage, just another lease on life; another opportunity to meet the perfect man and finally be happy. I don't blame anyone but myself for this, but at the same time it's nice to see that the seconds in my life aren't the ticks of the clock quickly running away from me. Obviously, this is the second issue of the Ragazine, and I have to say that the response has been phenomenal. Women that I would never have dreamed of meeting are writing long letters of admiration and support for what we're doing here. The entire staff is so enthusiastic, that it's been difficult for me to tell them to go home every day, but that's my job, and I know that if I don't make them leave, they'll get burned out and eventually start looking for someone to resent. I am particularly proud of our photography staff, who has done exemplary 8

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work with little or no time. As the Ragazine picks up more steam (and more sponsors), they're definitely the first people who are going to get a raise around here. (-: As it is our second publication, I've included a section just for this issue called "Seconds". What we’ve done is taken the first version of one of the articles written for this issue and put it alongside the final product. My hope is that the readers can experience the process that we go through to create the best Ragazine in the world. One of our goals is to encourage women everywhere to begin writing down their thoughts and ideas. If the letters I've received so far are any indication, we're already much further along than I had hoped. I'm sure you're all very anxious to read the rest of the Ragazine, so I won't keep you for much longer. Besides, I think that after this issue, I've earned a second helping of dessert. As Jackie Gleason said during the second season of the Honeymooners, "How sweet it is". PENELOPE LAWRENCE, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

!,)-.&')( I'M AT MY HAPPY WEIGHT,

PASS THE CAKE! “I JUST FEEL REALLY DEPRESSED ABOUT my happy weight,” says 27-year-old marketing assistant Kerri. “I guess I’m glad I’m right on target, but how can I truly be happy when I don’t look good in skinny jeans?” Many women are calculating their “happy weight” and finding that they’re already there—but not happy. Investment banker Monica, 43, estimates that she has spent more than $10,000 per year for the past decade on a personal trainer. “Not to mention the price of a Luna bar these days, and all the fresh organic produce you’re supposed to eat,” she says. With the money she’s spent “maintaining a weight I’m not actually that thrilled with,” Monica figures she could have bought a twobedroom condo. Therapist and nutrition counselor Tanya Eastman encourages women to not despair. “Your happy weight is supposed to be happy!” she enthuses. “Go enjoy that margarita, and stop worrying so much that everyone else looks better than you in a bikini!” Of course, everyone else does look better in a bikini, because in order to be “happy” most of these women need a slice of cake now and then. And a few glasses of wine. Followed by a cigarette or two. And a break from the treadmill. “I started smoking when I was 14 to keep my weight down,” admits Rayna, a 33-year-old lawyer. “Now the only exercise I get is taking the elevator out of the building on my smoke breaks. But I guess I’m happy to be within a pound of my happy weight … right?” Whether you can make peace with your 10

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body is as important as how you look, says Eastman. “Women who constantly complain are even less attractive, if you can believe it, than women who eat all the nachos,” she explains. “One way or another, you’re scaring the men away!” Eastman recommends following the happy weight calculator we’ve included here to determine your goals and your distance from them. “If you see that you’re on target, it’s time to start working on your next flaw—being unhappy.” If you’re still above your goal weight, however, Kerri says you should feel lucky. “It was way easier to limit myself to two martinis a week than it is to feel pleased about it.” SHERYN BRAUN

CALCULATE YOUR HAPPY WEIGHT! HOW TALL ARE YOU? a.) 5’–5’5” b.) 5’6”–5’8” c.) 5’9”–Up

HOW MANY DAYS A WEEK DO YOU HAVE SNACKS OR DESSERT? a.) Never! b.) 1–2 c.) Every day

HOW OLD ARE YOU? a.) 20–25 b.) 26–30 c.) 30–Up

DOES YOUR MOTHER EAT OR SMOKE? a.) Smoke b.) Neither c.) Eat

HOW MANY DAYS A WEEK DO YOU DRINK? a.) 1–2 b.) 3–4 c.) Every day

WHEN DO YOU WORK OUT? a.) Daily b.) Weekly c.) Annually

ANSWER KEY MOSTLY A'S If you’re not hungry right now, you’re about 7 lbs above your happy weight. No problem, just skip dinner!

MOSTLY C'S Aren’t you happy you’re never hungry? No? Have another box of wine and try not to think about it.

MOSTLY B'S If you’re not hungry right now, you need to get to the gym and lose 12 lbs before bikini season!

HEMLINES

BEAUTY TIPS FROM CELEBRITY STAND-INS HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED WHO THOSE LUCKY LADIES ARE WHO stand in for the stars of your favorite films and television shows? IR has tracked down three women who live in the New York area and have made careers out of having the right height and hair color. They agreed to share their secrets for staying fabulous on the condition that we didn’t divulge the names of the celebrities that they shadow, or the titles of the movies and shows. We completely understand and don’t want to jeopardize anyone’s job security, especially in the current economic climate. It’s not like a 5’6” honey blond can’t be replaced in NYC on a moment’s notice. Nowadays, it would be harder to replace a cashier at Burger King.

How does Karen M. from Sunnyside, NY maintain her almost good looks? She swears by a nightly beauty routine that you can create from items at your local drugstore. First mix Noxema, generic cold cream, ¼ of a cucumber and ½ of a Diet Coke into a paste. Apply it liberally to your face while filling the sink basin with boiling water. Steam, then rinse with icy cold water. (If that doesn’t work, steam again). She also recommends loading up on healthy foods at the craft service station, such as grilled chicken, fresh fruits and veggies with dip, although she rarely does this herself. (“They have homemade donuts almost every day!” she wails.)

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Josephine M. from Greenpoint, Brooklyn recommends running a 5-mile circuit every morning before breakfast and doing Pilates with a personal trainer every afternoon. This is what she read about “her celebrity” in People, and is happy to report that “said celebrity” confirmed this during a recent filming break. Technically, Josephine shouldn’t have approached this celebrity, especially after the prior warning she received (apparently loudly singing at lunch the TV theme song that made this celebrity famous is a major no-no). The Assistant Director asked Josephine not to speak or make eye contact with her celebrity ever again and threatened to report her to SAG, but she thinks the transgression was totally worth it. (Our readers couldn’t agree more Josie!)

Candy S. of Yonkers thinks that yoga is the key to youthful good looks, and tries to take a class at her local Y on her one day off. She also has found that befriending or dating a crew member and having them ask about her “real acting career” in front of the director and stars can be a real plus. This is not a beauty tip, just a career tip freebie. (As of press time, this approach had not resulted in a speaking role, but Candy promises to keep us posted!)

So next time you’re watching your favorite hospital drama, or sitcom, or Oscarnominated film, keep in mind that behind every beautiful famous face, there’s a hardworking stand-in who could easily be their plainer, heavier cousin. And they’re willing to share juicy details with you!

DOREEN CANASTO

HEMLINES

ALL THAT OR NONE OF THAT ARE YOU ALL THAT? LOOK IN THE

MIRROR AND FIND OUT WHETHER YOU’RE IN OR OUT! ALL THAT s $)302/0/24)/.!4% NIPPLES s %8#%33)6% ./3% (!)2 s "/.9 +.%% #!03 s -!.,9 72)343 s &!449 s #2!:9 %9%3 s ()03

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NONE OF THAT s ,!2'% -)$$,% 4/%3 s &!.',%3 s 345""9 &).'%23 s -5&&). 4/0 s ")' "/.%$ s 5.%6%. %9%"2/73

PUT HIM ON MY TAB COUGARISM FOUND IN SOFT DRINK AN EXCLUSIVE

THAT’S RIGHT LADIES OF THE BABY BOOM Generation, recent computer models at The University of Maryland testing lab found that being a “Cougar” (an older woman who indulges in the company of younger men, not the cat), can actually be linked to something you drank earlier on in your life, TAB! Remember that unmistakable can of luscious cola? Sure you do, who could forget the pretty pink can that matched your shoes? Not only did TAB have the saccharin to make you thinner, it also had Glysicmatomine, an ingredient not researched until the University of Maryland study. Glysicmatomine, as it reacts to the female anatomy, is found to have an effect on the nervous system that hinders the ambitious, outgoing, confident part of our everyday actions and personalities. (In men, Glyscimatomine has the opposite effect!) For years when women were trying to drink a diet cola for their health, it was actually putting a dent in their libidos. Studies show that it can take up to twenty years for Glysicmatomine to completely leave the female anatomy. The greatest side-effect of this phenomenon is an uprising of dramatically more rambunctious Baby Boomers, turning women into the “dirty old men” of the new millennium. Now that Glysicmatomine has been banned from supplementary diet drinks, 16

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you might worry that girls of this generation are at an advantage because they are more aggressive with men than you were. Fear not, now that this toxin no longer lies dormant in your body, you can compete with the best of ‘em. Remember, you have two things they don’t, the wisdom of experience, and the ability to rent a car. So Cougars, enjoy your prey, and know that your instincts are perfectly natural and confirmed by scientific study. We now know that it was a diet soft drink holding you back all of these years and it’s your time to play. The shiny pink TAB can will no longer control you.

BIID HIM GOODBYE THE FIRST DATE WAS SOMETHING OUT OF a fairy tale. Mr. Right not only delivered, he brought you breakfast in bed as well. Fireworks led to multiple atomic bombs that left you calling the fire department for backup. For the next several days you talked all hours of the night, longingly waiting for that second date. Unfortunately, however, for one of our readers, dreams turned to disaster during her second go around.

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Mindy Flanagan writes: Justin was unbelievable. He picked me up after work on what was supposed to be a "blind date". I had never had a guy take me to a food vendor's cart and pay the owner to stand by why my date cooked me dinner. For the next hour I watched as Justin whipped up the best smelling Coconut Basil Chicken Burgers with Thai Peanut Pesto that I had ever tasted. As we were eating, a businessman offered to pay us $60 for a couple of burgers. Justin refused the money, but mentioned that if the business guy could convince the street musician across the street to play my favorite song, he'd put extra Peanut Pesto on the bun. Two hours later, we were back at his loft, where I learned about his work with underprivileged Swedish teens and his love of 1930's automobiles. A slight touch on my shoulder was too much as we slowly fell into the most intense lovemaking I had ever experienced. The next day, he called before I had a chance to obsess over him and suggested that we spend the weekend together at his company's cabin upstate. Normally I hate three-hour drives, but as he asked me details about my entire life, I found myself falling deeply in "fatuated" with him. When we got to the cabin, he gave me a silk handkerchief, told me to put it on, and excused himself to the bathroom. As I cleverly put that small triangle of fabric over my blushing bits, I heard a yell of anguish. I ran into the bathroom to find that Justin had somehow managed to cut off part of his left pinky. I drove him to the emergency room where he quietly professed his love for me and expressed how ashamed he was that this had happened. During the examination, the doctor had Justin take off his shoes, and I noticed that each of his toes were slightly cut off as well. Needless to say, I am baffled as to what I could have done to cause this.

Mindy, There's probably something that you're forgetting about the story, but chances are, Justin has a case of Apotemnophilia, which is also known at the Body Integrity Identity Disorder or BIID. Some doctors have called it the Amputee Identity Disorder, which is a condition that compels people like Justin to cut off their perfectly fine limbs, or in your case, the end of the pinky. The cause of BIID is unknown, but it probably means that Justin was unloved or mistreated by his parents. On the positive side, chances are that by cutting off part of his body, he feels like he will be loved and treated better by you. After all, you did drive him to the emergency room, giving him time to express his feelings in a way that might have taken months if he had gone the conventional route. Perhaps during future dates, you could suggest to him that the next time he feels like whacking off a part of his body, he tries using dead tissue instead, like hair or nails, before cutting deeper into your relationship. After all, a girl shouldn't have to rush into a full triage every time she wants a little love. The important thing to remember is that you're not alone. I know this one couple who "glues" on an extra prosthetic appendage before making love, and ceremoniously hacks it off as a sign of their commitment to each other. My advice is that you shouldn't be afraid to explore these options. After all, Justin sounds like a catch, and there are only 200 documented cases in the world with his condition. Don't let any part of him get away, and good luck! DABNEY FREDERICKS

HEMLINES

10 WORDS YOU DON’T NEED TO KNOW… thoracict

(as in "pectoral") adjective, of or relating to the chest or thorax; "pectoral organ". Pecs are the devils playground. Our advice, get on your knees and pray.

wax bean soup

(see refried beans) noun, water, wax beans, seasoning, domestic forum, Polish dictionary translation. Let’s face it. If you have to order this, you probably don’t have enough money to be going out in the first place.

catherotical

(as in "dubiousful") adjective, not convinced of the difference between just and infrequent. Based on the paradoxical theorem. We’ve become wary of so-called “lax catheroticals”, and so should you.

ilgemination

(as in "subtle force") noun, group of people willing to obey orders through severe indoctrination. We’re not saying that Amway is a pyramid scheme, we just don’t think you should visit Egypt this year.

eff

(as in "love") verb, have sexual intercourse with (know is archaic). Try telling a bartender to make it a double eff and see how long you stay in the bar. 20

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traxelopia

(as in "diffusive learning") noun, diffusion of molecular knowledge through a superpermeable membrane from a place of higher to lower cognition until the concentration is equal.. Most feminist bashing stems from the misunderstanding of traxelopia. Our advice, leave it in the gutter with his mind.

abut

(as in "border") verb, lie adjacent to another. Oh for crying out loud, get a room and jump him already!!!

jamedoosti socks

(as in evening wear) noun, Brazillian soccer socks transformed into formalwear. Origin 1956, Madre de Dios. We prefer Brazilian men to take off their shirts first.

lammed

(as in "thrash") verb, give a thrashing to; beat hard. If Mary had left well enough alone, she’d be much happier today.

metanoia

(etymology: Greek), noun, from repent: from meta+noein to think, from nous mind: a transformative change of mind and heart. Unless you’re dating a Jesuit, don’t worry about this one, if you are, you’ll probably need one.

THE MANNY HAPPY RETURNS TOP FIVER LIST THE MANNY HAPPY RETURNS FOOD COURT CORP. IS SYNONYMOUS with food court services in every major shopping mall in the United States and Minnesota, and this month’s Manny mall numbers are surprising. All across the country, some of The Manny Happy Returns Food Court Corp.’s Tippity Top Fiver favs are totally “way/no way/way” choices and some are just way awesome “Choice!” The biggest surprise this month- Canadian lollipop hit “You are Here!” has been knocked out entirely, ending its total mega awesome streak of eighteen months on The List. What’evs. Loser! Z’up.

Remember Where We Park’t This love ballad has staying power with the potential to be a future #1. It’s no “One PahDunk-a-dunk Per Dressing Room” but it’s pretty close.

69% Off My Heart This new version of the 1980 hammydown classic is a shock to us, too. We hope that by next month it will go out of business permanently.

2BZ4UQT (Everyone now!) 2-BZ-4-U-QT. Na, na, na, na, na. 2-BZ-4-U-QT. Na, na, na, na, na. (Good, now it’s in your head forever too. Kill me, kill me now.)

Mama, Can I Have a Twenty? Pllllllllllease… But I gots’tah have it. You’re so unfair, Mama.

Food Court Fatty: Not even the healthiest frozen yogurt can keep this plump hit from devouring the top stop for the third week in a row.

If you don’t know these songs by now, get a freaking life by purchasing the upcoming Manny Happy Returns Food Court Corp. Tippity Top Greatest Food Court Hits CD so that you can be cool, too. Until next month! Yippity Yap, Yo! MANNY GORMAN HEMLINES

LITTLE DUCE COUPE FOR MY BIRTHDAY THIS YEAR, MY friends got me a t-shirt that read "Daddy's Little Girl." After they had a laugh at my expense, I pointed out to them that I was really "Daddy's Second Little Girl" and asked if they'd mind if I gave it to my older sister Janet, for her 36th birthday (they didn’t). Later that night, and a few lavender mojitos later, Bobby (my now ex-boyfriend) slammed my car into a concrete pylon and I spent the rest of the night talking to my father’s insurance agent. Happy Birthday, right? Actually it's probably one of the best birthday gifts I could have gotten. Unlike the rest of my family, I pride myself on self-reliance, self-motivation and selfsufficiency. I'll be honest, before the accident, I didn't know a thing about cars, and even less about how to buy one (my uncle always took care of that). After my father’s mechanic told me that it would be $15,000 to repair the Saab, I decided to take back my mobility and find a car on my own. Below is my guide to a selfsufficient gal's quest for a second car.

STEP ONE

KNOW YOUR COLOR BEFORE YOU GO INTO THE DEALERSHIP This was perhaps the hardest lesson for me to learn. I had a color in my head, but had no idea how to describe it. I would recommend picking a painting that you like, and bring it with you. This way you'll have a range of colors to choose from, and a clear way show your color. If you're a real stickler (like my sister), don’t be afraid to use the Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall guidelines that help any woman look her best. 22

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STEP TWO

BUY THE CAR FROM SOMEONE YOU KNOW This sage advice came from my uncle who has never been accused of being a fool. Since this was going to be MY car, I didn’t want any help from my father. After his business manager deposited the money into my account, I called the number of a dealership my uncle gave me. When I got there, I was helped immediately (sorry three people wandering aimlessly), and was guided through the various choices a self-sufficient gal has when choosing her new car. If you don’t know anyone who owns a dealership, I would be wary of the casual car dealer looking to make a fast buck. If they're not wearing a suit, chances are it's because they can't afford to.

STEP THREE

DON'T BUY A CAR WITH A SILLY NAME This is more of a personal preference, but my father and uncle agree. If your car has a silly name, it’s probably a domestic brand and of subpar quality. For married gals who have a silly last name, don’t be afraid to use your maiden name when purchasing YOUR car. It’s all about presentation, and besides, who wants to be called Mrs. Gumdroppedaboogy anyway?

STEP FOUR

NEVER AGREE TO PAY FOR ONLY PART OF THE CAR (AKA “FINANCING”) There are varying opinions on this, but as my father always says, it’s best to use family money, paid upfront so that there’s no question as to

who owns what. I know that this might mean some sacrificing gals, but let's face it - you don't really need to go on that three-week family vacation this winter. Besides, it's probably better if daddy learns to miss you a little. It's another step in self-reliance that I call self-discipline. The best example I can give involves my ex-boyfriend Billy who thought that he could purchase my love over a long period of time. Unfortunately for him he found out too late that he couldn’t afford my interest rates.

So now that you have all five steps, you should have no problem purchasing your brand-new car. I’m not going to tell you which one I ended up getting; I don’t want to influence anyone or change anyone’s mind about what to buy. I will say this though, as a rule, every independent gal should get a new car. Aside from helping the economy and meeting some interesting people, it’s fun, and what’s more important to a self-sufficient gal than having fun? CHARLENE KZANSKI

STEP FIVE

STAY AWAY FROM USED CARS If idle hands are the Devil’s work, then used cars are the Devil's ride. Aside from the obvious sanitary implications (have you ever seen the guys who detail cars?), there's the old wisdom that you're purchasing someone else's failures. Some dealerships try to mask used car weaknesses by calling them “Pre-Owned”, as if the previous owner taught the car how to drive better, or look better, which is complete nonsense. I wish Bobby would have introduced himself as “Pre-Dated”, and I would have known that he was complete rubbish and left him on the lot while I drove away in my brand new 9-3 and lived happily ever after. Oh and by the way, did you know that in good dealerships, most car salesmen drive hot cars that they completely own because they have to? Did you also know that they treat their cars with respect and dignity because they realize that “how” they treat their cars is a reflection of what kind of people they are: honest, trustworthy, SOBER?

SILVER OR

BLACK ?

HEMLINES

CRAZY EYES! LADIES, I MUST CONFESS THAT I MADE A DETOUR THIS WEEKEND from my book-signing responsibilities to visit my granddaughter at her summer semester at college. She treated me to an unusual drink at a saloon called The Dungeon. The cocktail was called a lemon shot (quite tasty). It reminded me of an old-fashioned Roger-Dodger, which my mother would brew for us when we got a touch of “the plague”. After a number of rounds (for which I lost track after two), I was educated about a rather disturbing optical condition which is running rampant across the young and younger. So allow me to slip off my white gloves and pin hat, unclench my knees slightly, and ask you a personal question. Are you nuts? Are you insane? Let’s be honest, do you have the crazy eyes? Let’s find out, shall we? Here are thirteen “pop” quiz questions with no wrong answers. Afterwards, add up your score and see where your eyes fall on the Insecure Scale. (Please forgive the slang usage of proper words; it’s my editor’s idea.) MARGERY VAN NORT

MY MOM AND I… a.) are best friends 1pt b.) are often mistaken for sisters 3pts c.) don’t speak to each other anymore 2pts d.) still speak to each other, even though she is no longer with us 4pts IN MY APARTMENT/HOME I TEND TO… a.) organize my life in piles 2pts b.) have take-out containers in my fridge 3pts c.) from places that no longer exist 3pts d.) have only a futon, a suitcase, and a hot-plate 1pt e.) have everything in its proper place and labeled 4 pts GENERALLY, I FEEL MY GIRLFRIENDS… a.) don’t understand me 1pt b.) can’t accept that I’m the most attractive one by far 2pts c.) are trying to kill me 4pts d.) all want to secretly sleep with me 3pts 24

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MY GIRLFRIENDS ALWAYS TELL ME… a.) I’m so high maintenance, I wear makeup to bed 4pts b.) I’m so low maintenance, my aura is “lava lamp” 2pts c.) if I were a car, I would be in desperate need of a lube job 1pt d.) if sex were fast food, I’d have an arch over my head 3pts IN A SOCIAL SITUATION, I TEND TO ALWAYS… a.) designate myself as the social director 4pts b.) call everyone “Darling” because I never remember anyone’s name 3pts c.) suggest playing a game—like pop culture trivia or guessing people’s weight 1pt d.) steer the conversation back to the only topics I feel superior discussing, like fashion reality shows, or Facebook 2pts

HEMLINES

Illustrations and Artwork by Robert Monegan

WHEN MY PARENTS/FAMILY MEET MY BOYFRIEND FOR THE FIRST TIME THEY… a.) threaten him with violent underbelly tones to ensure he is providing me with happiness 1pt b.) immediately declare him a saint for dating me 4pts c.) refer to him as “my special friend”, or flat out ignore him because they assume that he won’t be back 2pts d.) keep calling him by the name of the boyfriend that got away 3pts

WHEN THINGS ARE POTENTIALLY GETTING SERIOUS WITH A BOY, A DEAL BREAKER FOR ME IS WHEN… a.) he has his own interests 4pts b.) he looks better in my dresses than I do 3pts c.) he always asks if I’m okay after sex 1pt d.) he can’t forgive me when I throw his stuff out the window 2pts

WHEN I’M IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET, AND I’M PICKING A FIGHT WITH MY BOYFRIEND, I TEND TO… a.) totally contradict myself because I’m WHEN I THINK MY BOYFRIEND LOOKS AT focused less on what I’m saying and ANOTHER WOMAN, I NIP IT THE BUD BY… more focused on who is watching me a.) rolling my eyes and making a catty joke use elaborate hand and arm gestures to about her ass 1pt make my point 2pts b.) becoming her friend to keep her ass b.) outline my own faults to argue why he close at bay 3pts should be a better person 4pts c.) figuring out how to be like her by adopting c.) cry buckets because the prosperity of my her physical traits, like her ass 2pts life, happiness, and career hinges on d.) flirting with her by putting my hand on whether or not he is serious about picking her ass before he can 4pts his clothes up 3pts 26

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WHEN I BREAK UP WITH A BOY, I TEND TO… a.) wait three months before doing it. This gives me time to find my next boyfriend for a smooth, easy transition 2pts b.) never really tell him. I just choose to give him every reason to break up with me so that I get all the sympathy as the victim 4pts c.) come right back to him the next day, only to break up again three weeks later, but ultimately decide that I can’t live without him, until the next time I feel the need to do it all again 1pt d.) have sex with him to soften the blow 3pts AS OF RIGHT NOW, THE KINKIEST PROP I’VE USED DURING SEX IS… a.) a boy 1pt b.) a toy 2pts c.) oils 3pts d.) weapons 4pts e.) none of the above 0pts f.) all of the above 5pts AS OF RIGHT NOW, THE KINKIEST PLACE I’VE HAD SEX IS… a.) another room in the house besides the bedroom 1pt b.) a vehicle of any kind 2pts c.) a body of water 3pts d.) a religious facility 4pts e.) none of the above 0pts f.) all of the above 5pts IF THERE IS ONE THING I BELIEVE WITH MY HEART, IT’S THAT… a.) romantic comedies should be considered non-fiction 3pts b.) redheads have a much better time than blondes 2pts c.) not everyone looks good in black 1pt d.) it’s never me, it’s him 4pts

Illustrations and Artwork by Robert Monegan

d.) storm off after saying the cruelest thing I can think of with the assumption that he will follow me for more abuse because he loves me 1pt

THE INSECURE SCALE 1–10 POINTS

OPEN YOUR EYES!

You’re boring but completely dull. 11–17 POINTS

CLOSE YOUR EYES!

You have some challenges, but really you just need to romp around with a good fella. 18–27 POINTS

BLINK, DAMMIT, BLINK!

You’re a stalker and a tease who has mommy issues. Also, you’re not really southern, but you insist on speaking like Blanche DuBois from A Streetcar Named Desire. 27–54 POINTS

CRAZY EYES!

You might have expert knowledge around the bedsheets, but you tend to use a knife or scissors when you don’t get your way, and you are likely to be wanted in three states for assault.

HEMLINES

!$/0%+&-)(

FRANCES CLEVELAND FIRST LADY, SECOND HUSBAND TAKE 2—THEY'RE SMALL

FRANCES CLARA FOLSOM PRISSON Cleveland (1864-1947) wife of the 22nd and 24th Presidents of the United States, is the only first lady on record to be married in the White House. But she didn't stop there, encouraging her husband to not only stay on the Gold standard despite widespread popular agrarian opposition, but to also run successfully for a second, non-consecutive term. Her husband, Grover Purplemonstre Cleveland (1837-1908), was a large, imposing man of integrity, and like her, would not settle for second best. When Grover passed away, Frances moved from Washington to Princeton, becoming active in University Life and friendly with a young up-and-coming archeology Professor, Thomas "Sergeant" Preston Jr. Not one to rest on her or her previous husband's laurels, Frances encouraged Preston to heed the three witches' prophesy and rise to become President of Princeton. Was it fate or manifest destiny? We think we know the answer. Frances did better, why can't you? And this before women could even vote. You can vote. Your husband can vote. You can only vote once, but you can marry as many times as you want. Take a look around you, at your life, at your relationships with others, and the relationships of those whom you have relationships with. Are they enough? You might not be first lady, yet. Perhaps Princeton is beyond your grasp, for now. But there are 28

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eleven other colleges out there, begin with them. Start upgrading everything in your life now, and don't stop. Women are afraid of ambition and getting the best they deserve for any number of reasons. Girls are raised to "play well with others" and treat their peers with cooperative respect. That rare ambitious or competitive streak is viewed all-too-often as "masculine," "unladylike," or 'thuggish." But women throughout history from Lady Macbeth in Scotland to Frances Cleveland in the White House rose above their station, and helped their spouses overcome complacency to do the same. And when “better” wasn't good enough for them, these men were rightly passed on the freeway of life* , allowing these women to rise to their full potential. What's stopping you from being all that you can be? Are you afraid that your friends will be jealous, that you'll be called a “ballbreaker”, that you shouldn't "rock the boat"? Do you have the innate strength of character to rise above your circumstances, or are you mild-mannered and meekly marking time mawkishly? JENNIFER COOSEBURY Jennifer Coosebury holds a MFA in English Literature from Smith, and lives in Massachusetts. She’s 44 and married. *and you can thank Mamie Eisenhower for encouraging Dwight D. to build the freeway.

R AG T I M E S

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER BE GONE! A CAULDRON OF Sexy AND Hot COSTUMES FOR NEXT YEAR!

The

a d n Pa

LISTEN, BAMBOO. TALK IS CHEAP. I WANT YOUR DING-DING IN MY LING-LING NOW! 30

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The

Phys sist As

SICK AND TIRED OF HMOS. I WANT SOME REAL HEALTH CARE. DROP TRAU!

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The

Cow

NEVER MIND THE FARMER’S DAUGHTER… 32

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The

l e r r i Squ

THIS SQUIRRELLY NUMBER MAKES IT EASY FOR GUYS TO SHOW OFF THE NUTS THEY’VE TUCKED AWAY FOR THE LONG HARD WINTER.

R AG T I M E S

The

k r a h S nch We

YOU’RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER BOAT. 34

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R AG T I M E S

d r a c r e t s a M

The RAISE HIS INTEREST RATE AND HE’LL GO DOWN LIKE A HOT APR—PRICELESS

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The

b a r C

NOTHING SAYS “CATCH OF THE DAY” (OR NIGHT) LIKE CRABS.

R AG T I M E S

The

Solarnel Pa

SAVE HER OZONE LAYER AND CLEAN HER COAL STACK WITH THIS SEXY ALTERNATIVE ENERGYSAVING NUMBER. 38

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The

n e k c i Ch

LET’S GET ONE THING STRAIGHT: THE CHICKEN COMES FIRST.

R AG T I M E S

SLOPPY SECONDS YOU ALWAYS REMEMBER YOUR 1

WHO'S 2ND WERE YOU?

remember the exact numbering. Freshman year is all a blur, there was drinking quickly and in large quantities. Whoever it was, it was special and it meant a lot. Otherwise you wouldn't have done it. You just can't quite place exactly who was Number Two. It's ok, no one can. A recent study by the MSI Institute of Technology found that 92% of 6,738 women aged 64-89 couldn't remember their second sexual partner. For men who weren't virgins, the figure was twice that. So it's understandable that you might not remember everyone you ever consummated the act of physical love with, or their cardinal order. But it also means that (even if your second time was with one of our own, the fairer sex) someone you did the MonkeyDoodle-Doo with doesn't remember you. They may have completely forgotten you, in fact. It's not so bad, is it, if it wasn't one of your better nights? We all have those nights. Maybe you haven't seen him since. Maybe you More common than not, right? Maybe it was married him. Maybe he's in the Philippines on a Wednesday night, on a business trip after and you recently reconnected on Friendster. You always remember him, and remember that too much Zima. You lost the account, what night. Whenever *that* song, that two minute the hell. Who wants to remember that, or be remembered for it? But what if it was special and 20 second slice of pure pop genius comes on the radio, or you catch a scent of Callalillies, for you, and they forgot? What if the best sex you ever had, (that wild getaway weekend in you remember that night. Him. Your first. Boston you bought those rainbow tights for), Maybe you did it with him again later that night a couple of times. But neither of you have was just someone else's sophomore slump, making you their sophomore slut? forgotten. "Women in the 21st Century may have Your second, that's a different story. Was become immune to indifference, but there's it Kevin at Prom? David? Jim the exchange nothing more devastating to the human student? You feel awful, because your second psyche than ignorance. Acknowledgement and time was special too, wasn't it? You just can't Illustrations and Artwork by Robert Monegan

MAYBE IT WAS BACK IN THE SUMMER OF '69. At the drive-in, or in that old man's Ford. Maybe your parents were away in Vienna. A muggy August night. The boy next door, an older veterinarian, the football team from a neighboring town. You always remember your first time. Maybe he's older, fatter, balder now. Maybe he's rich and famous. Maybe he's all five.

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Illustrations and Artwork by Robert Monegan

empathy are the cornerstone of Graumberg's Actualization Octagon. â&#x20AC;&#x153;It hurts when those cornerstone's are taken out from under us in our geometrical personality metaphors," says Michelle Volmquist of Haavart University in Olmsk. What that can you do about it? Volmquist has three pieces of advice:

life. See if you might have some tucked away in an attic somewhere, or in the back of a closet at your childhood home if it's still standing. "No matter how painful, re-read every bit. They can't know you know, until you know, so make sure you know to know and let them know," cautions Volmquist.

3) Figuring out who's second you were is often 1) Figure out who your own second time was harder. Men and older veterinarians are less in if you can. They've probably been wondering apt to keep diaries, and their friends are much too, and aren't yet ready to move on in their less apt to remember their bragging, much less own lives. "If it was the same as your first, it transcribe it in their own diaries. You might might not be so important to either of you, but just be a notch in an ever widening belt, or make sure you know for sure that they know on a bedpost, but it's rare that men replace for sure," says Volmquist. furniture, so records may still exist. Next time you're visiting your hometown, find an 2) Many women keep diaries, journals and excuse to look in on an old high-school flame's other previously blank books they write in, parents: "Dropping in to see how they â&#x20AC;&#x153;are" especially in those early first four decades of or "if they need anything." When you see an R AG T I M E S

Illustrations and Artwork by Robert Monegan

opportunity to run up and look at their son's bedpost, seize it. A moment of awkwardness always trumps a lifetime of doubt and uncertainty," bids Volmquist. 4) Suggests Volmquist: "Popular media chat rooms like IRC, and Friendster are a good place to re-connect, try posting a general query to your Status Update, and see who steps forward out of your past." 5) "If," says Volmquist, "you feel more comfortable researching the topic one-onone and in person, class reunions are a good opportunity to catch up with old crushes. Promise yourself a chocolate malted milkshake if you summon up the gumption to approach an old flame and casually mention a made-up 42

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statistic about people remembering everyone they'd slept with. Bet him (or her) a beer that they can't name everyone. If s/he acts uncomfortable and finds an excuse to keep circulating, don't worry, he hasn't forgotten you. If he seems relaxed or even flirty after that, he may not remember, but he may still be in to you, so here's your chance." Second Second time's the charm. Or did you forget?

DEIRDRE TROL-STEVENS

Deirdre Trol-Stevens, one time guidance-counselor, is the author of What Your Cats Will Tell You That Your Best Friends Wonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t? She lives year round in Arizona and always enjoys eating and cooking. Her last name is alternately spelled Trol-Stephens.

!1/2&'0%3")+&* AROUND THE HOUSE

BEAUTY SECRETS Emily Dickenson neednâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have stayed in her attic all the time. Many beauty challenges can be concealed around the house. ! DEIRDRE TROL-STEVENS

LET TOOTHPASTE GIVE YOU ANOTHER REASON TO SMILE

Got a pesky pimple?

Conceal it with toothpaste.

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MINIMIZE EXTRA POUNDAGE FAST

Hide the extra poundage before company arrives, take a half lap around the house.

Expecting company but not expecting?

DRY EYEBROWS?

Try peanut butter and jelly in a bag!

WA X I N G P O E T I C

5 WAYS TO DROP A DRESS SIZE IN A WEEK Drunk dial an ex…and invite him to a cocktail party…Nothing beats motivation…and with the potential of your *^*$@# EX seeing your fat ass. You will look good!

will cut that out later). Keep in mind, wearing a designer frock that is cut for your body shape will leave people guessing, ”Has she lost weight?”

Get food poisoning…I am not saying eating disorder ladies, but in case of an overeat emergency*, and we have all done it, then this is a quick way to take off five pounds in a jiff. Get into that sexy little black dress collecting dust in your closet.

Exercise…It seems so obvious, but for those of us who can’t run on the treadmill (getting nowhere fast), may I recommend Marathon Sex. Taking off those extra pounds was never so orgasmic. Make sure to keep at it until you are sweating his balls off. Not only will you lose the weight, that sexy glow will look great with the new Dolce & Gabbana size 0 you will be sporting!

*Typically involves eating everything in the fridge; ending up with whipped cream and meatloaf all over you while wondering…why? Hire a personal anything…Chef, Yoga Instructor, Nutritionist… it doesn’t really matter. If you have the capital to float this one, the undivided attention is going to make it hard for you not to shed a few pounds.

Take up crack, speed, meth…the amphetamine is yours. One thing’s for sure, you’re guaranteed to slim down so fast you won’t recognize the old you. My roommate can vouch for me when I say that during those times, our kitchen was sparkling clean and I was at my thinnest, wearing a size 0 on a heavy day! Buy a better cut in a bigger size…You didn’t hear it here, but sometimes you just have to ‘fess up to the size you are ladies. When no one is looking, run up to the counter fast and buy a dress that is actually your size! Don’t worry what the number says on the tag (you 46

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Want to have Marathon Sex, but don't know where to find your relay partner? Be on the lookout for upcoming articles where Coral gives you the best tips on finding prime public places to have great group Marathon Sex in. CORAL REEF

Coral Reef is a fashion photo double for movies and commercials. She is also a foot and head model and licensed scuba diver. Her private parts can be seen doubling for celebrities such as Scarlett Johansson, Annette Bening, and Halle Berry to name a few. More info at www.coralsparts. com

UNSEXY OR UNSKANKY

LET’S FACE IT LADIES, THE WORLD IS unfair. The government doles out food stamps, not fashion stamps. The best men you meet are all gay, and whether we like it or not, all women must stand under the watchful gaze of society and its impossible demand of beauty and sensuality, without crossing the God-forbidden line into Unsexiness. Much like pornography, I can’t define it, but I know it when I see it. Fine tune your observations; you’ll soon see it all so clearly, and you’ll never be on the receiving end of a “you trashy whore” jab at closing time. Unskanky is a low-cut dress in the back. A revealing bare back of beautiful skin screams romance, allure, and enticement. It’s not a display of a C-cup silicon job or sagging breasts that last saw perkiness when Friends came on the air. Unsexy is the low-cut front that reveals far more than anyone ever needs to see. Keep this “revelation” in mind and you’ll find men mysteriously attracted to you and captivated by you. Go the other way and you’ll risk the deserved, catty comments and derision of your fellow women. Nothing takes you to the Unsexy or Unskanky judgment quicker than a romp through an underwear drawer. Any holes, whether intentional or not, immediately put 48

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you in that class where you might as well stake out your street corner and start screening pimps. Try saying “crotchless” to your mother in conversation and not feel like you’ve been bathing in pig slop. And that pair of Grandma underwear you bought at the Rite Aid in nowhere Pennsylvania at 1am after realizing

you hadn’t packed any - didn’t mean you had to bring it home with you. There’s plenty of lingerie that screams Unskanky, be it lace, leather, or frill. We only go around once on this carousel, so spend some money on luxurious lingerie. You may be a slut, but you don’t have to dress like it.

Photos by Foraggio Fotographic, Illumiquest , Malias, (Flickr)

Editor’s Note: Due to certain patent restrictions litigated by a competing magazine, we were unable to use the original title of this article. We hope that our legally advised modification will not take away from the author’s original intent.

Now, I’m just turned on thinking about my next trip to Victoria’s Secret! If you find yourself outdoors and feeling amorous with your guy, have the courtesy to be on a private, secluded beach. The bushes at Vondelpark in Amsterdam or the highway rest stop at Exit 126 with the romantic notes of trucker horns? I don’t even need to tell you where you stand. Then again, maybe you think beef jerky and the smell of diesel are aphrodisiacs and that’s fine. Just be prepared for me to scream “UNSEXY!” when you walk across the parking lot. And let’s be mindful of the language we use. If you want to talk like a sailor just off the boat, then be prepared for people mistaking you for one of the entourage with Britney and Lindsey the last time they went on an alcohol-fueled, Unsexy romp in LA. Flirtatious insinuations and suggestive double entendres have all the spice and steaminess to keep your man at attention and smart is sexy these days, isn’t it Tina Fey?

There you have it. If we’re going to be judged, we should be informed. And if you know it when you see it, pay attention, and be confident in the moral judgments you make of all the women around you.

WA X I N G P O E T I C

!$/00)45%-/'

REBOUND GIRL DEAR REBOUND GIRL,

DEAR JEN,

My boyfriend recently bought me an iPhone. I’m really glad he’s a Geek because, among other things, I’ve gotten some pretty great electronics. But I also enjoy gifts like lingerie, bubble bath and candles. He says I look hot in everything, but it might be fun for him to decide on something lacey or coconut and frangipani scented, or if he needs to keep it electric, a sex toy with a motor. I was wondering how you would recommend I approach this topic with him? I’m afraid that because he is a Geek, this kind of request might make him short circuit.

I find that my iPhone is really handy when I’m at a bar and a song comes on that I like but I don’t know who sings it. I’ll tag it and bam, the name of the artist, song, album, and how to download it gets sent to this little device in the palm of my hand. I also meet guys this way. The guy next to me or across from me at the bar, will see my iPhone and ask me what apps I have and I’ll show him mine and then ask him to show me his. That is, if he has one. If he doesn’t, that can be okay too. It’s a conversation starter and it lets me know a little something something about his interests in the way he responds to my apps, in the way he shows me his, before we go any further…if we go any further. I also was given an iPhone, except mine was from a rebound sex ex. He wanted to upgrade, so I was in the right place at the right time. It’s not every day that rebound sex guys give me gifts like iPhones, but at the time, my phone was really outdated. We had some good dates before he offered it to me. He told me to scroll through the apps and let him know which ones I wanted to keep in the transfer. I saw one about getting in shape and I clicked on it and saw there was a log of what we ate that night and thought, WTF, he’s been counting my calories? At that moment he looked over my shoulder and told me how great the app is. He said he’s been wanting to lose a couple of pounds and this app had helped him. He told me not to worry, that he thinks I look hot. Then he showed me that there’s a feature where he can input the minutes and hours for sex and the degree of intensity. That turned me on.

Jen

If you’re faking it, your partner may think you’re still into it. He may be just as insecure as you are and afraid to say something. (Oh and btw, if your man is exercising - not just sexercising - 20 to 30 minutes a day, it can help him with sexual dysfunction. So win-win on the insecurity front.) It’s important to realize these things as soon as possible and acknowledge them, because it takes twenty-one days to create a habit. If I had let booty camp go on for that long, I’d have had to proceed with my change much more delicately than I did. Abruptly stopping a race is not good for the heart.

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We had sex and it was amazing, better than our previous encounters together. We both went for a total full body workout. After a little bit of a cool down, he said, “Ready for round two?”, and we did it again, and it was even better. I was like f-yeah, I want this app! Then things started to get weird. The next night we met up and he started barking orders like we were at a gym and he was my trainer. For round two he wanted me to be the trainer. It was cool to role-play, that but after a few evenings of this, I was faking it. I got over booty camp and was ready to go sailing. When I told him I wanted to quit my gym membership, he thought I was being literal. He suddenly got worried that I belonged to the same gym where his ex-girlfriend worked. She’s a personal trainer and he was having me role-play her. Her favorite adage was “A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips,” and because of this, anything the two of them ate had to be exercised off a hundred fold. That’s just overboard for me. Take care of the elephant in the room immediately, I always say. In fact I use the reverse of that adage to warn people about herpes, “A moment on the hips, a lifetime on the lips,”– so practice safe sex people! Perhaps I should feel bad, but I wear my Rebound Girl t-shirt with pride. I prefer to be myself. Even when role-playing, I want to be seen as me underneath it all and not the bitch that dumped his ass because he wasn’t up for Pilates Olympics after having an ice cream cone that day. I’m all about hot sexercise. I’ve even been trying pelvic tectonics. The President of France does it and well, he’s a hottie, he’s married to a hottie, and he lives in the land of “Let them eat cake”, kissing, crepes,

wine, cheese, L’arc de Triomphe, the Mona Lisa, the country where Brangelina gave birth to twins, and a trillion other hot, sexy things. In the end I did go sailing, he went into therapy, and I got to keep the phone, though I’ve since upgraded. I suppose I learned that if I’m with a guy who’s happily buying the expensive electronics, I will gladly buy my own lace, something I feel fantastic in. (Little aside - be sure neither of you are spending outside of your means, be wary of bad debt.) He might not know your taste in lace but he sure as hell knows his taste in electronics. He already told you he thinks you look hot in anything, now it’s your time to find out if he truly has any preferences. Why encourage either of you to be fake; put that sexy number on and ask him. If he loves it, great; Win Win. If he’s ambivalent, ask him to be more specific, maybe he’s just shy. Maybe he needs you to teach him. If he doesn’t like what you’re wearing, it’s better to find out now, rather than sitting around hoping and wishing. Bring him a magazine or catalog, or better yet, visit a website together and ask him to pick something out (or something with a motor if that’s your pleasure). The lace, the bubbles, the candles, the toys, are presents for you both, as is the iPhone that can have you vibrating all day long with little messages and photos and songs sent between the two of you. Until we meet again, Rebound Girl

R AG G E DY M A N

ASK A QUESTION Q: Dear Question, I’m going to be a Bridesmaid at the wedding of a childhood friend. I know each bride is different in her expectations of her bridesmaids and bridal party. What should I keep in mind to avoid disappointing my friend, without it costing me an arm and a leg? A: You want to be there for your friend at this very special moment. Whether it be in the midst of a field in another country, or the banks of the Seine, or outside the city limits at dawn, your friend will have certain expectations if you need to step in. The probability is you won’t have to do anything at all, but it’s important that she know you’re there. Wear a somber-colored ensemble, step back and out of the way to a safe distance so as not to distract her, and if she falls, be prepared to help catch her, and pick up the slack. She’ll most likely be quite nervous. Pick up her train if need be. The insulted party will fire first, perhaps winging your friend in the arm if she hits her at all, and then your friend will fire back, and hopefully the matter of honor will be considered settled with no further bloodshed. This is why firearms are preferred. If blades are the chosen accessory of choice, things could get messier. Each party slicing and nicking away at the other until both are covered in crimson tatters. In this case if your friend falls, and you need to take over, pick up her sword, wipe off the handle for a firmer grip, and aim for the back of the leg (your friend’s opponent’s leg, not your friend’s) and draw back on the sword, this is a non-lethal yet semi-permanent method to disable the already disabled opponent called “Hamstringing”. Usually this is all that is 52

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required to end the event resulting in both parties' satisfaction and without actually killing anyone. Your friend will be glad you were there for her as a cheering section and to offer moral support. Q: Dear Question, I’m going to be a second at the duel of a childhood friend. I know it’s been hundreds of years since dueling was a common practice, and by now everyone has differing, if diminished, expectations of the duelist and her dueling party. What should I keep in mind to avoid disappointing my friend without it costing me an arm and a leg? A: You want to be there for your friend at this very special moment. Whether it be in a gazebo at the Botanical Gardens, at a loft set aside for just those occasions, or outside the city limits ‘til dawn, your friend will have certain expectations if you need to step in. The probability is you won’t have to do anything at all, but it’s important that she knows you’re there. Wear whatever sombercolored ensemble she has chosen for you, step back and out of the way to a safe distance so as not to distract her, and if she falls, be prepared to pick up her train, and give her some slack, she’s probably quite nervous. Your friend will be glad you were there for her as a cheering section and to offer moral support.

R AG G E DY M A N

A SECOND LIFE FOR CLOTHES DO I REALLY NEED TO LIVE UP TO MY WARDROBE? I love vintage clothing. I mean real vintage, not from the 80's or 70's or even the 60's, nothing from my own lifetime. I love glamorous pieces from the 1930's and 40's and even some of the 50's. My closet is filled with delights from yesteryear. The problem is; I'm not sure I can wear them, and you probably shouldn't either. It's a shocking revelation, one that I was late in coming to. Vintage clothes have history, a previous life. The mere fact that those clothes are now “vintage” suggests that it was a special life, an exciting life, a glamorous life, a life far greater than that of any person that would find themselves buying secondhand clothes today. This had never occurred to me. I too was naïve once. It all started with a trip to my local vintage shop. I had never actually made any purchases there before, I simply browsed the aisles admiring all the fabulous pieces. Whenever I found something in my size, it was never in my budget. That particular day I was actually shopping for a dress to wear to my cousin's wedding and luck was seemingly on my side. Nestled in amongst all the size 2's (Were women ever really that size?) and gaudy floral prints from the 70's was a simply stunning vintage Dior in my size! I fumbled for the price tag and nearly fell over when I saw that it was [almost] within my budget. I could go without food for a few days. This was Dior! I ran to the dressing room. It fit. I came out to look in the full-length mirror and fell in love. One of the salesgirls had come over and was admiring it. There was no doubt. I had to have this dress. I told her about my searching, about the wedding in Scranton, and that this was to be my first designer dress. 56

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“Oh you weren't thinking of buying it were you?” She was almost laughing as she said it. “That's Dior! I simply can't let it go to Scranton. You're more than welcome to try anything on you like, but you really can't wear vintage.” I was shocked, and not just a little peeved. Until that is, she explained it to me these clothes all had a fabulous life, they have been places, they have expectations. The very dress I had on may well have graced the back of a Manhattan Socialite or Hollywood Starlet. It could have spent its first life flitting from one exciting party to another, and now I was to subject it to an evening of rubber chicken in Scranton, PA? She was right, of course, clearly this could not come to pass. It all should have been so obvious to me. My love for vintage clothing started in my childhood. I would spend countless hours watching elegant and glamorous women of the silver screen. There was Myrna Loy, the classic vamp draped in silk and lamé, or a whisperthin gown that hung to the floor and flowed

HANGING BY A THREAD

behind her as she floated across a room during one fabulous party after another. Ava Gardner was breathtaking in form-fitting gowns slit up almost to her waist (revealing those legs I envy to this day), as she broke the heart of every man that crossed her path. A favorite from my own closet was a long black 1930's satin evening gown heavily adorned with silver bugle beads with rhinestones running throughout the center. It is cut on the bias for a slinky fit and has a deep plunging back with criss-cross rhinestone straps. Did I really think I was in their league? How could I have been so naĂŻve? Fortunately, my own inadequacy had protected me from any real public shame. My public dalliances in vintage couture had only brought me into contact with people as uncouth as myself. I can only imagine what might have happened had I ventured into the realm of true fashion and elegance. Perhaps my egregious behavior was only being tolerated because of my discretion. Surely I would have been struck down by gold lamĂŠ bolts of lightning the moment I crossed the threshold into a society event; instantly vaporized leaving only the dress behind in a stylish heap on the floor. Or worse, I could have been openly mocked, my one and only chance for an invite into the upper echelon of fashion society instantly revoked, forced to wear the scarlet letter of fashion faux pas. Perhaps the dress itself would have revolted against me, leaping off my body, exposing my common lingerie bought on sale at JC Penney's and Victoria's Secret. I can only hope I would have had the forethought to wear matching bra and panties in an attempt to salvage what little dignity I could. Take heed! Vintage clothing comes with a responsibility. You can't just pick up a piece and deem yourself worthy of giving it the life it deserves. If you were really as fabulous as that dress, you probably would not be shopping for secondhand clothes to begin with. LILLY DU PERDANT

INSECURITY R AG A Z I N E

>insecurity blanket

SIKE! INSECURITY RAGAZINE'S

CELEBOVOYANT GOSSIP COLUMN BRINGING YOU TOMORROW’S GOSSIP, TODAY! ACCORDING TO MY CRYSTAL JIMMY Choos, this is going to be an inspired month for gossip… While Lindsey Lohan will finally be changing her Facebook status from “single” to “it’s complicated,” Joe Jonas’ virginity bracelet is soon to be spotted in the Lost and Found at Bar Marmont in Hollywood. It also appears that Kate plus 8 Gosselin will be looking for a new husband on Craig’s list “SWF seeks eunuch – cheaters with hair plugs need not apply.” But the most exciting news coming up is that Madonna will finally marry her boy toy, Jesus Luz, in a Kabala-like ceremony to be presided over by Mel Gibson who will pronounce them “husband and sugar tits.” In movie news, a remake of ‘80s classic “Loverboy” will be announced. Patrick Dempsey will be reprising his role as the oversexed pizza delivery boy, while Kirstie Alley will also be coming back as long as producers can negotiate the “pizza-pizza” clause in her contract. American Idol fans will be happy to know that Paula Abdul will be landing a new permanent gig next month as the tooth fairy. It was the only other job that would allow her to arrive to work on a unicorn, drink magic moonshine, and change her hair weave more often than her underage boyfriends. In vampire news, Robert Pattinson will be taking a $3 million insurance policy out on his hair, even though it is immortal and defies gravity.

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Not to speak ill of the dead… career that is, Chris Brown is going to star in a new reality show on VH1 called “Hard Labor of Love” where 20 prisoners will compete for his heart while picking up garbage on the highway. And finally, Kanye West will take to his twitter and blog something completely inappropriate and in all CAPS – didn’t need a psychic moment to predict this one. Until next month – follow your spirit guide, but don’t let it take you into Kitson!

SIKE’S CORRECTIONS FROM LAST MONTH:

I Said: Samantha Ronson will be standing over Lindsay Lohan’s dead body with a pellet gun in her hand. I Meant To Say: Tori Spelling’s mother will chastise her through gossip sites and Tori is planning another book to respond to Candy’s constant whining. So Don’t Worry: Lindsay Lohan is still alive and starting a charm school called “Hell Bred.”

MS. BAXLEY IS A LICENSED CELEBRITY

PSYCHIC. THIS IS HER FIRST FORAY INTO PRESCIENT GOSSIP, SO THIS STUFF PRETTY MUCH WON'T HAPPEN.

!&'()*#$&"#(

KINKY KORNER: YOU SEND THEM; I REVIEW THEM THIS MONTH WE HAD SLIM PICKINGS as far as what could be actually viewed. We would like to remind our eager participants that beta tapes are not helpful. The 137 beta tapes we received this month turned out to be a worthless and potentially expensive issue when trying to convert them to a format we could watch. With a deadline fast approaching, my editor told me that I had to choose something, anything, or he would order me to review something from my own personal vault of footage. After reviewing Hal and Karen’s VHS tape, I wish I had taken him up on his offer. Even my own my “Summer of ’96 Compilations” is better than this. I apologize in advance.

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HIDDEN CAMERA OF WIFE AND I IN THE BOURDOIR (2002) BY HAL AND KAREN To begin with, I had some issues with the title. Not to be a stickler for detail, but it is riddled with contradictions. First, I didn’t believe that it was a boudoir, when clearly Hal and Karen, husband and wife respectfully, were performing in a hotel room that clearly was next to the airport, or perhaps the maid was vacuuming in the other room with a nuclear reactor. Two, it was clear Hal and Karen were not husband and wife since they did not wear wedding rings. Third, it was very hard to believe that there was a hidden camera when they clearly had another person working the camera standing next to the bed in plain sight. However, let’s get to the nuts and cream of this on why I should have just spent the money on transferring the beta tapes. I found this “film” quite distracting, erratic, but very appalling. Now, you know me, I am usually a big fan of costumes and holiday-themed plots of any kind. Give me a kinky Santa and Elf scenario and I can forgive anything. Slutty Halloween (gold), Bunnies (can’t get enough), I can even get into Snow White and the 7-inch midget on a good day, BUT it’s very difficult to be sympathetic when we are dealt Karen (sigh). Karen not only resembled a floatation device when her orange nightgown got stuck around her waist, but she wore her mask upside down for the first 10 minutes. I could have tossed all that aside had Karen’s

performance held up. It was timid at best, on the verge of being boring. From the hidden camera’s whispering word “action,” I just didn’t believe the dialogue. For instance, when Karen shockingly asks Hal “What are you doing with that camera,” she might has well have said, “I know I agreed to this, but I’m going to need more wine.” And her constant repeating of that one phrase “Fill’er up” still haunts me. The sounds she produced were utterly unbelievable once I saw Hal’s equipment behind those tidywhities. I’m afraid the word “inch” is longer than anything Hal had at his disposal. I know it’s difficult when belly fat swallows “it” whole, but I’ve seen bigger croutons on a Caesar salad. I will say, Karen’s one shining moment came when Hal had to answer a call from his actual wife, and she was left to her own devices during the toy portion of the film. However, I think she was pushing a little when she licked the camera lens. Let’s talk about Mr. Hidden Camera, shall we? There were some basic “Home movie 101” mistakes that could have been avoided. First, I wish he turned off the date and time option on the camera. The blinking was a little too much. While you’re at it, turn off the “SP” and the “12-Bit Sound” display as well. Secondly, there is an old film expression that needed to be strongly embraced: “When in doubt, zoom out.” When they say the camera adds ten pounds, they are not kidding, and using the remote is always a bad idea when the rump area is in play. As a general note, no man, especially Hal, should ever be shot from THAT angle. Although I don’t hold editing in

high regard for things like this, I thought the heart-shaped video swipe was a little too much for every shot. There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just say it -- The music choice of Joni Mitchell was a poor one. In most cases, the camera work resembled the Star Trek episodes where the ship was fired upon and the crew is being rocked back and forth. There were just too many body parts jiggling, and I thought someone was really going to get hurt. The last third of the film, however, had some nice steady camera work. I attribute this to the videographer putting the camera down. Fortunately, Hal and Karen were not in the shot, so we thankfully missed the climatic ending, which I would have missed anyway, because my eyes were tightly shut in horror. I have three more pages (front and back) of notes, but I can’t go on. Ultimately, we are left disappointed that Hal broke his promise to Karen and shared this with everyone. TILLIE HOFACKER

INSECURIOUS

MY ICECAPS ARE MELTING OR GLOBAL WARMING MAKES ME HORNY LADIES, BACK ME UP HERE, THERE IS something in the air that seems a little different, like Mother Earth is telling us it’s Ladies Night, so let your hair down and go against the norm. I used to be a quiet, “go to sleep at a decent hour” type of person. Often I find satisfaction in a good book or an invigorating stairstepper routine at the gym. Lately, however, there has been a slight change in my behavior that I couldn’t explain until I watched “An Inconvenient Truth”. What I discovered was that every time an ice cap melted I came home way later than I wanted too, and found guys trying to sneak out of my bedroom early in the morning. The old me would have felt awful, but to tell you the truth, I felt alive! If Al Gore is right, global warming is making me horny. If women are controlled by the earth, tides and moon, then it’s only natural to think that our bodies know something we don’t. Either way, I am going to listen to my body since it’s in touch with the earth and the earth wants this body in touch with a construction worker on break in the back of his Ford F-150. Don’t judge me. I am somewhat worried that the scientists may not be right about this whole global warming thing, and it will turn out I’m just a slut. But if they are right, I am going to ride the rising oceans to ecstasy and enjoy my life. Yes, maybe for one week Mother Nature pulls the reigns back a little, throwing a little crankiness in, to keep me in balance, but that’s what mothers are for. The way that I look at 64

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life now: if a meteor were heading for the earth to wipe out civilization, would you sit around writing e-mails or go on Facebook, letting people know that you were going to the store or watching Grey’s Anatomy? Or would you spend your last remaining moments in ecstasy? The latter? Me too! I understand that global warming will take millions of years to actually reek havoc, and it may sound wrong, but the thought of our oceans rising makes me giddy, ‘cause I love the beach and I am a hundred and twenty miles from the coast, which means I could one day have beachfront property. Until then I am going to listen to the tides and enjoy life with my new mantra: bring on global warming!

!!"#"$%&'(

CONSTELLATION PRIZE INSECURITY HOROSCOPE HOLIDAY 2009

MISTRESS GOLA INTERPRETS YOUR HEAVENLY ADVICE FOR THE MONTH of Candy Canes…which are 60 calories per lick, piggies.

ARIES

Sure, you have the biggest house and love scaring small children. But you can’t host every party, every year. Back off, ram-head, and let someone else have a turn.

TAURUS

Being the skinniest bitch at the party is all well and good, Taurus, but the stars would like to remind you that Cousin Kimmie will be there, too. Wear Spanx under that nurse costume.

GEMINI

On the one hand, you love disguises. On the other, you want everyone to know it's YOU YOU YOU. Luckily, no one is inviting either of your personalities to the punch bowl this year.

CANCER

The stars are concerned that you're too sensitive. Who's going to take care of everyone else if you're getting your feelings hurt all the time? We need some attention, too! The stars, that is. Look at the stars. Call your friends. Reach out.

INSECURITY R AG A Z I N E

LEO

Your planet is the sun, Leo, and maybe that’s why you’ve been blinded in the wardrobe department. It's not Christmas every day.

VIRGO

Poor, sweet Virgo, slaving away, faithfully depositing money into your savings account every month, picking up after your slovenly roommate's boyfriend, not knowing if he'll ever get a job and stop erasing your DVR'd episodes of The Hills, not eating dessert for nearly nine years now, whitening your teeth four times a day and wondering why no one else bothers to even floss before they come over to your desk and blither on about sports and their fabulous party plans and who even cares about stupid costumes anymore??? You are a SAINT and no one appreciates you.

LIBRA

Make up your mind, would you? With all the conveniences of modern life, you can't push two numbers on your cell phone and call him already? Some people are tired of ordering you apple martinis (a subject for another month, Libra!) and listening to you whine about it.

SCORPIO

Yeah, yeah, you’re really deep. That rant about Halloween going corporate was so insightful. Everyone is interested. Keep talking, please.

SAGITTARIUS

Maybe your Match.com profile shouldn't say "Sex On Heels". Especially since you're married. And a man.

CAPRICORN

Every time someone tries to get close to you, you run away. Social aspirations are all well and good, but everyone can see your ladder 'o' desperation, and a degree from Wesleyan is a thin blanket in these cold times.

AQUARIUS

The stars would like to point out that shoes don't repair themselves. Also, they are not fooled by the Kate Spade bag you bought yourself for law school graduation five years ago -- and say, shouldn’t your bar exam results be in soon? Fourth time’s a charm.

PISCES

You smell like fish. Just kidding! Sort of. R AG A M U F F I N

EVERYONE DESERVES A SECOND CHANCE Everyone deserves a second chance, and our writers are no exception. As a new, regular feature of Insecurity Ragazine, we bring to you the first version of an article and the improvements we asked our writers to make.

BIID HIM GOODBYE ORIGINAL Mindy, There's probably something that you're not telling me. Personally I’m not sure why writers send letters that don’t have all of the facts. It’s not like we print the entire letter, who do think has enough time to read every little syllable you can muster? I bet you dared this guy to cut his finger, got freaked out when he did, and called 911 before he could stop you. You probably think there’s some type of exotic explanation for the fact that he just wanted to sleep with you and thought you dug guys who cut themselves. Dabney, I know that you’ve gotten burned by a few of these letters, but I don’t think Mindy is purposefully withholding information. I remember my ex-husband talking about a rare condition where people do cut themselves. I still have his medical journals in my office if you want to take a look.- Penny FINAL VERSION There's probably something that you're forgetting about the story, but chances are, Justin has a case of Apotemnophilia, which is also known at the Body Integrity Identity Disorder or BIID. 68

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ORIGINAL Perhaps during future dates, you can make him come to your house and CHILD PROOF the apartment. If he ends up with blood on him, RUN AWAY SCREAMING!!!! Personally I don’t understand why you would ever let this freak call you, but hey, it’s your life. Just remember your parents probably paid for most of it, and who’s going to take care of them in their old age if you’ve been whacked and thrown in the back of a company limo, waiting to be chopped up into little pieces? I remember this one guy who would fake cutting off his ear so that he could get free paint at Utrech, pretty sick stuff. Now that I’m remembering it, his girlfriend was pretty scary too. In fact, I think she’s the one that made the fake ear for him, blood and everything. How do you even make blood? I have to hand it to them; it looked pretty convincing. I probably would have given him free paint too, just to get him the hell out of my store. Jesus, do you think that was some kind of sick date? Maybe that’s your problem Mindy, you secretly enjoy watching it, but you feel bad, so you sent in this letter to cover your ass. In that case, you two were probably meant for each other, to which I say have fun in the ER, and good luck

Dabney- I just looked up the disorder and put a post-it note in the Medical Journal for you. As we’ve talked about in the past, although I love when writers give personal insight into our reader’s problems, I think that perhaps we should tone down the judgment and focus more on the condition itself. I think that will make the article less of an advice column and more of science piece, which you and I spoke of last month. It does sound to me that this relationship may not work out, but both you and I have seen how tough it is out there, and I feel that if we can in any way encourage our readers to be happy, we should. Anyway, I can’t wait to see the next version of the article -Penny

of their commitment to each other. My advice is that you shouldn't be afraid to explore these options. After all, Justin sounds like a catch, and there are only 200 documented cases in the world with his condition. Don't let any part of him get away, and good luck!

FINAL VERSION Perhaps during future dates, you could suggest to him that the next time he feels like whacking off a part of his body, he tries using dead tissue instead, like hair or nails, before cutting deeper into your relationship. After all, a girl shouldn't have to rush into a full triage every time she wants a little love. The important thing to remember is that you're not alone. I know this one couple who "glues" on an extra prosthetic appendage before making love, and ceremoniously hacks it off as a sign R AG A M U F F I N

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU… WE HOPE THAT THIS ISSUE HELPED TO SOLVE THESE PROBLEMS FOR YOU YOU THOUGHT YOUR EYES WERE YOUR BEST FEATURE. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT AN IPHONE APP IS, SCORPIO. YOU ARE NOT YOUNGER THAN LADY GAGA OR MISTRESS GOLA. YOU’RE HOLLA AIN’T WORTH $5. YOU HAVEN’T MONKEYDOODLE-DOO’D IN SEVERAL YEARS. YOU BELIEVE THAT SAVING THE ENVIRONMENT IS A MAN’S JOB. YOU NEVER UNDERSTOOD WHAT “WRAPPED AROUND YOUR FINGER” MEANT. YOU DON’T LOOK UNSKANKY IN PINK. R AG A M U F F I N

!3/0)(%6.)#)( THIS IS WHAT'S RIGHT WITH YOU REAL STORIES FROM WOMEN WHO INSPIRE US

SPOTLIGHT:

MICHELLE M. GARCIA MICHELLE M. GARCIA JOINED THE !"#$%&'()*+,-./0+)1+'"+/)2!*13)#")"4+) 5#"&-'#$)1+'"+/)6-/)7&0"&8,)-6)1/&8+)&')9:/&$) ;<<=)#'>)4#,),+/?+>)#,)"4+)@&/+0"-/)-6)"4+) !"#$%&'()*+,-./0+)1+'"+/),&'0+)A0"-B+/);<<=C) D4+)8&,,&-')-6)"4+)!"#$%&'()*+,-./0+)1+'"+/) &,)"-)/#&,+)'#"&-'#$)#E#/+'+,,)#B-."),"#$%&'() #'>)"-)+'0-./#(+)"4+)>+?+$-:8+'")#'>) &8:$+8+'"#"&-')-6)8.$"&>&,0&:$&'#/F)/+,:-',+,) "-),"#$%&'()&')$-0#$)0-88.'&"&+,)#0/-,,) "4+)0-.'"/FC)!4+)4#,)'+#/$F)"E+'"F)F+#/,) +G:+/&+'0+)E-/%&'()E&"4)?&0"&8,)-6),"#$%&'(H) ,+G.#$)#,,#.$"H)#'>)>-8+,"&0)?&-$+'0+)&')B-"4) /./#$)#'>)./B#'),+""&'(,H)#'>)#>?-0#"&'()6-/) ?&0"&8,I)/&(4",)-')#)$-0#$H),"#"+H)#'>)'#"&-'#$) $+?+$C)J&04+$$+)4#,)"/#&'+>)&'"+/'#"&-'#$$F) -')?#/&-.,)"-:&0,H)&'0$.>&'(K),"#$%&'(H),+G.#$) #,,#.$"H)>-8+,"&0)?&-$+'0+H)>#"&'()?&-$+'0+H) #'>)>&,8#'"$&'()-::/+,,&-'C) Prior to joining the SRC I had worked in the violence against women field for over fifteen years – focusing on sexual assault and domestic violence – but had not really given much concentrated thought to stalking. I had 74

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a concept of what stalking was, but couldn’t easily define it. A pattern of behavior directed at a specific person that would cause a reasonable person to feel fear. This is the definition I have come to understand. A pattern of behavior including, but not limited to, unwanted calls, messages, letters, gifts; following or spying on or waiting for the victim; threats; and assaults. Behavior facilitated by a range of devices— such as computers, Global Positioning System technology, and hidden cameras. Behavior that I have seen cause fear in countless victims of stalking that I have worked with. Carrie1, whose husband installed a GPSequipped cell phone behind the dashboard of her car and used it to track her movements and listen in on her conversations. Steve, whose exboyfriend would send strange gifts and break into his apartment and move things around. Maria, whose former co-worker called and texted her hundreds of times a week.

IT’S NOT A JOKE. IT’S NOT ROMANTIC. IT’S NOT OK.

STOP

It’s a crime. +,-..,/01,2344

! "#$%&'( )*+,-).*/.*'"*) !!!"#$%$"&'()*'$ This document was developed under grant number 2004-WT-AX-K050 from the Office on Violence Against Women of the U.S. Department of Justice. The opinions and views expressed in this document are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily represent the official position or policies of the Office on Violence Against Women, U.S. Department of Justice.

A PATTERN OF BEHAVIOR DIRECTED AT A SPECIFIC PERSON THAT WOULD CAUSE A REASONABLE PERSON TO FEEL FEAR… I think about the victims whose stalkers also commit acts of vandalism, identify theft, burglary, physical assault, sexual assault, attempted murder, and most tragically, murder. I think about the 3.4 million people who are stalked in a one-year period in the U.S. At times it is overwhelming. There are too few resources for victims, too many laws that don’t address the realities of stalking, and too many people that still don’t get it. People who don’t understand that it’s not a joke, it’s not romantic, it’s not okay – it’s a crime. In the past three-plus years since I began working at the SRC I have commonly encountered this general lack of understanding of stalking and I have often found myself examining pop culture representations of behavior that in the real world could at best be

thought of as creepy and often truly criminal. I love Lloyd Dobler. When John Cusack’s character in “Say Anything” holds up that boom box, the 15-year old in me still swoons. I also love Rob Gordon, Cusack’s character in High Fidelity, who struggles with the undeniable fact of growing up and growing old. Both Lloyd and Rob face the loss of their girlfriends with, shall we say, a reluctance to let go. While in the fictionalized world of the big screen, their continuous pursuit behavior seems romantic, and in the end pays off. But in the real world, how would I, or most reasonable people, react to an ex-partner who shows up uninvited at our home, calls repeatedly at all hours of the night, who contacts our friends for information on us? This is why I spend most of my days traveling around the country providing training to law enforcement, prosecutors, victim service providers, and other allied professionals to try and raise national awareness of stalking and to encourage multidisciplinary responses to stalking in local PAG E S B L E U E S

communities. Over the course of a year, I spend probably half of it on the road. It can become a blur of airports, taxis, and hotel rooms. Waking up in the middle of the night confused as to where I am. Oh yes, it’s Tuesday, so I must be in Cleveland. What stands out are the people I meet who demonstrate a genuine commitment to trying to enhance their community responses to stalking; to increase victim safety and hold offenders accountable. I think I will always recall the conversation I had recently with a police detective who attended one of our trainings. “I didn’t think I would find myself saying this when I came here this morning, but after hearing everything I did today, I think I can do a better job.” I nod, encouraging him to tell me more, exultant on the inside. “I didn’t think coming into this training that it would apply all that much since I didn’t really see many stalking cases. But I see now that I’ve had a number of cases that I just didn’t identify.” He goes on to explain that he thought that he had to wait until the perpetrator “did something” before he could act, meaning some sort of direct threat or physical attack, something more than phone calls, or showing up at the victim’s home or work. That he now gets that all of these other behaviors warrant action. “If I can do something sooner, I can save a victim a whole lot of pain.” I think about the law enforcement officers that train with us and how they often say that intervening early in a stalking case is stopping a homicide in progress. I thank him for his feedback, encourage him to call on the SRC if we can ever be of assistance, and watch him walk away as he rejoins the group of officers he came with. If there is such a thing as a trainer’s high, I definitely have it. This training will count as a success. Any training where even one person walks away with a better understanding of 76

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stalking and a desire to do their job differently or better is a success. That’s one more person taking on the issue, making it a little less overwhelming. It’s knowing that I am not alone in my mission; that we are making a difference, especially in victims’ lives, that keeps me going on the difficult days. I slept a little easier in my hotel room that night thinking that despite however the next romantic comedy film portrays stalking, that there are a growing number of us that recognize the reality and are spreading that message that stalking is real, can happen to anyone, is dangerous, and is a crime. Names have been changed to protect the victims’ identity. Mark Katrina Baum et al., “Stalking Victimization in the United States,” (Washington, DC:BJS, 2009) 1 2

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