10 minute read
Silence is golden
Simon Buzza provides the final two rules in his series of 12 key rules of negotiating
RULE NUMBER 11 UNDERSTAND THE POWER OF SILENCE
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We live in a world of noise where silence has almost ceased to exist. A significant majority of people are uncomfortable with it and seek to fill it, even with mundane background noise. We regularly see this manifest itself in business meetings and negotiations, where we see people talking too much, tripping over themselves to “lead the conversation”, or interjecting as soon as the other person pauses so that they can post their own arguments. It is as though silence must be avoided and immediately filled. Even when we ask people to use silence as a tool, they say they feel excruciatingly uncomfortable with it – in some cases, after just a couple of seconds.
Why is silence so effective?
There is rather more to silence than you might think. It can be extremely effective in different ways: l It allows you to receive more information and to gather your thoughts before you speak l It can make the other party feel extremely uncomfortable during the silence. So much so that they speak again to fill the void (and give away unplanned and useful information) l It can make you look more powerful and even a little mysterious. The less you talk, the deeper, more considered and powerful you look l It adds impact and clarity to your speech by introducing pauses between key statements l It forces you to become better at controlling your body language by using simple non-verbal cues to convey essential messages to the other party (such as nodding or shaking your head).
Who uses silence effectively?
Based on the thousands of delegates who have participated in our development programmes, and our own participation in many negotiations, the vast majority of people – in our view, more than 90% – do not use silence at all, or use it badly.
Most are supremely unaware of the power of silence and how to use it. Often, these are the negotiators who do not know when to simply shut up. Indeed, they talk so much that they often end up negotiating against themselves. They are so uncomfortable with silence that they often say the first thing that comes into their heads to fill the vacuum – and often this is very last thing they wanted to talk about.
A few are aware of this power but use silence very clumsily. They can achieve some success against submissive, unassertive or inexperienced negotiators but in most cases, it simply irritates the other party and leads to a deadlock. These are the passive-aggressive negotiators who plan to exploit long, awkward silences deliberately in order to apply pressure. They might simply stare at the other party without saying a word, or even look completely disinterested, in order to destabilise the situation to their advantage.
A few use silence highly effectively, either because they are natural negotiators or through practice and coaching. For the most part, these individuals have enhanced questioning and listening skills and high levels of emotional intelligence or EQ. They know how to use simple cues to keep the other party talking (such as a nod of the head, or an encouraging “Go on...”) and then they listen intently to the response.
When to use silence
As silence is such a powerful tool that can help negotiators get what they want, it makes sense
to have a good understanding of just exactly when to use it during the course of a process of negotiation. Here are some key examples: After making an offer One of the most critical times for you to deploy silence is immediately after you have made an offer or presented your position. Often negotiators feel uncomfortable, for example with their opening price position. Consequently, they continue to explain why this price is so high, begin to apologise, and then begin to negotiate themselves downward. The best approach is to present your position confidently and then smile and “zip it”. After asking a probing question about a problem or implication “Silence allows you to receive more information Questioning technique is as much about letting the other party answer fully as about the question. The and to gather your thoughts initial response will often be a quick before you speak” superficial answer, but by pausing and encouraging the other party with a few non-verbal cues and a few seconds of silence (ideally 4-5 seconds), they will then give a deeper and much more revealing answer. By rushing into the next question quickly, this vital information can be missed.
After the other party has challenged you A pause after a direct challenge will often force the other party to think again. For example, after your client says “It’s too expensive” you should pause and say nothing. This frequently causes the other party to attempt their own solution. “I suppose we will have to find the budget from elsewhere then” is a typical response to silence in this instance.
How to use silence
Learning how to use silence effectively is a critical skill in business negotiations. As described, what happens after 3-5 seconds of silence can be quite remarkable. So, focus on using short silences to encourage the other party subtly. Frankly, anything much over 10-12 seconds is getting too long and counter-productive, particularly in Western European negotiations. Interestingly, Chinese negotiators are trained to stay silent and impassive for prolonged periods because that makes Americans and Europeans uncomfortable and more prone to making concessions. The negotiations to bring an end to the Vietnam War are a good example.
As I explained, passive-aggressive negotiators who use long, awkward silences to destabilise the other party will often find this is counter-productive. Once a silence is getting towards 45-60 seconds, you need to break the ice (without conceding the point). A short “Let’s come back to this issue after we’ve discussed…” generally works well.
RULE NUMBER 12 SMILE AND SAY ‘NO!’ UNTIL YOUR TONGUE BLEEDS
Attributed to Harvey Mackay in his pithy book Swim With The Sharks Without Being Eaten Alive, I like this adage because, like many other aspects of negotiation, it is so counter-intuitive. You’ll be amazed how much the terms of your deals will improve when you learn to say, “No”.
However, there is a heck of a lot more to this expression than first meets the eye.
Smile
Why smile? We are in a serious negotiation. Surely we don’t need to smile – we ought to look tough and uncompromising. Well, yes and no. Clearly, the use of a smile needs to be appropriate to the situation and an ill-timed smile can do a lot of damage. Nevertheless, there are times when a smile is absolutely the right thing – even if you have to fake it. So, when you need to look assured and confident of your position (for example, when you say “no” to the other party), a genuine and warm smile – but certainly not a fake smile – is a force multiplier.
So, what is it about smiling that is so effective in negotiation? Researchers at the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Biology in Plön and the Toulouse School of Economics devised an experiment to test if smiling could induce trust and thus become profitable. As it turns out, the answer is yes, smiling is an “honest” signal to the recipient – provided it is a genuine smile. We see a person who smiles as more cooperative and are therefore more inclined to do business with them.
On the other hand, smiling in a negotiation at the moment when the other party is most squeezed, and after you have leveraged and exploited your position of power, is going to rub salt into the wound for them – and they won’t forget that. Similarly, if you come to an agreement in a negotiation and you are really happy, it may not be a good idea to show just how happy you are by displaying a big, beamy, self-satisfied grin, because it might lead the other person to think that you did rather better than they did.
So, by all means smile, but don’t grin inanely like a Cheshire cat. Use the smile wisely and when you need it, to ensure it delivers the reaction you want.
Say ‘No!’
The little word “no” is a very powerful message to send. When used in a negotiation it is even more powerful. As with so many words, it is not what you say but how you say it. If you want the other party to improve their offer when you deliver your rejection of the last one, do so in a manner that telegraphs your intent to continue the negotiation or the other party may give up prematurely. Hence, the smiling piece is really quite important as it
signals that you cannot accept that proposal, but you are open to a better one. We call this a “warm no”. Be warned, though, because if you say no in a cold and harsh way, the other side may well end the negotiation. Similarly, if you know the negotiation is fruitless, make the rejection clear and direct. Then move on – don’t waste time offering false hope.
The negotiation does not really begin until the other party says no. If they say yes to your proposal, you are simply an order taker. Ten years after leaving a full time corporate sales role, and after scores of mediations, speaking and training events and dozens of consulting clients later, I know from experience that the word “no” signals the beginning, not the end, of any value-creating negotiation.
And yet, in my experience, the vast majority of salespeople do not like saying no. They are taught that effective selling is all about getting to yes – so a no is a very unwelcome speed bump on the way. As I described in Rule No 9 (Give away nothing for free), sellers are too often overly enthusiastic, accommodating, lose-to-win negotiators who are soft on the people and soft on the problem. To be more effective in a negotiation, they need to become more focused on the commercial outcome while at the same time not damaging important relationships with their customers.
To sum up, the art of being able to say no assertively but nicely is a key skill. So, make the word “no” part of your negotiating vocabulary. In addition, don’t stop asking when the other side says no – consider it the start of negotiating, not the end.
...until your tongue bleeds
I do not literally expect you to inflict genuine bleeding injuries on your tongue, but you should persist and be determined even when you feel you ought to give in.
Anyone with young children will tell you just how good they are at negotiation. One of the reasons for this is their relentless persistence. Most parents can tell you about a repetitive argument they’ve had with their child – the child, being persistent and having absolutely no sense of time pressure, simply repeats the same argument over and over again until the parent loses patience and gives in.
Good negotiators are persistent. The Russians, Arabs and Chinese don’t hesitate to test their opponent’s resolve by repeating their arguments over and over. An American negotiating to bring an end to the Vietnam War reported that for two years the Vietnamese came to the talks every morning and ceremoniously said the same thing with little or no change. It almost drove the Americans crazy, especially as they kept moving their position to try to achieve a compromise, but the Vietnamese just smiled and held firm. In short, persistence has the power to break down the walls of resistance.
So, overcome those inhibitions and keep saying No, No, No. According to Harvey Mackay, no one ever went broke because they said no too often... And to quote another great guru of negotiation, Chester Karrass: “Learn to say ‘No’ at least once more, even when you like and are willing to accept the other’s offer. Then say ‘Yes’.” Try it, it works.
SIMON BUZZA is a founding partner of the NewDawn Partnership, an advisory service that focuses on delivering operational improvements to the buyer and seller interfaces of a business. For details visit newdawnpartners.com
