April Fools 2014

Features

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Imua ‘Iolani

Cottrell giving free tickets to Bruno Mars concert Dayao hoping for horn solo on “Gorilla” song by

Bruno Mars will also prepare a new alma mater for ‘Iolani. Possible titles include “Shaka Hawk”, “The Procrastination Song” and “‘Iolani No Ka AHWsome“

Ben Lah leaving to play Chin Ho Kelly by

Kay Wasa-motter

Yesterday, esteemed college counselor Mr. Ben Lah revealed that he is leaving the ‘Iolani College Counseling department to star in Hawaii 5-0 as “Chin Ho Kelly.”

After Daniel Dae Kim, the original actor who played Kelly, was placed under investigation for jaywalking, the directors called Lah to tell him that he would be replacing the star of the NBC Prime Time show.

“I always knew this day would come,” said Lah, “counseling is fun, but in my heart, I always knew that I was a destined to play a hunky Korean on a mediocre crime series.” Three years prior, Lah auditioned for the part of Kono, thinking the part was for a male, but succumbed to a mysterious case of food poisoning on the day of callbacks. Now Lah is more de-

termined than ever to bring back the firepower that the show lacks.

Hawaii 5-0 director Ricky Bobby said, “I like Lah for this part because he is not only the best looking man in Hawaii, but also spunky. He brings a lot to the table.”

Although Lah is lacking in the usual requisite areas for this part such as acting, stunts, and experience, he makes up for these areas with intelligence and good looks. Some of the other actors who competed for the role included Lah’s fellow college counselor, Mr. Todd Fleming. When he did not receive the part, Fleming said, “I didn’t want to be in that show anyway. I just tried out to make Ben feel better about his acting skills.” The next airing of Hawaii 5-0 featuring Lah will be on February 30, 2015.

Good bye Keables, welcome hip vocab by

CHASEN DREEMS

For the majority of students who, after refreshing Ticketmaster about five million times, did not get their hands on a highlycoveted, nearly-unattainable Bruno Mars concert ticket, the time of mourning is over.

Dr. Cottrell recently revealed a purchase of 2,000 Bruno Mars concert tickets made by ‘Iolani School! In between bouts of fangirling over Mars, Cottrell explained the administration’s reasoning for such a philanthropic act for the good of the student body: “We wanted to do something nice for the students; they work so hard,” said Cottrell, “On the day that the box office opened, we filled the C-lab, W-labs, library, and Sullivan computer rooms with as many faculty members as possible. For over an hour, every teacher desperately refreshed Ticketmaster to purchase the floor-level seats. Sadly, their efforts were futile.”

However, the faculty had one last hope. The IT-department called on the help of the infamous computer whiz, Korry Luke ‘15. With a few clicks of the mouse and some very speedy typing, Luke hacked the Ticketmaster database and snagged ‘Iolani 2,000 tickets, all on the floor level or riser seats, for the Friday, April 18th concert at the Blaisdell. These tickets will be available to all upper school students and faculty members for free!!

In an exclusive interview, Mars exclaimed, “I’d better have some of that mochiko chicken in my dressing room, yo!”

Check out ‘Iolani’s Approved Video Game Review!

Ricky Smotkins

In a stunning reversal of policy, the `Iolani English Department has decided that the current Keables codes are out dated.

The writing style of students has evolved so much since the age of Mr. Harold Keables that his rules now serve to hinder their creative writing expression. Dr. Peter Webb, head of the English department, said “The Keables Guide is, like, seriously mega long, and I’m all like, ‘The kids have more going on than grammar learning, yo, so Doc LaGory and I, you know, like looked things over, the codes and li’ dat, and we’re all like, ‘Okay, no, dude, this is sooo not chill.’”

Students like Trevyn Maruyama ‘15 agree that Keables codes are hindering student creativity so much so that they affect the ability of students to illuminate their ideas in literary form. “I think Keables

codes are hindering student creativity and the ability illuminate their ideas in literary form,” said Trevyn.

The vocabulary lists will also increase to include more words that can be used in everyday life. Some of the words include: Yolo, swole, swag, and turn-up. The department is concerned that in this new age, ‘Iolani students are not up to date with the current terminology. “I am extremely content with these changes,” says Jacob Wagner ‘15. “I take great pleasure in learning modern syntax.”

With addition of learning modern jargon, ‘Iolani hopes to make sure that students stay in with the latest trends. “Yo, if you can trot out words like this, you are rockin’ one supes swole brain,” said Dr. Webb.

Due to misgivings on the importance of Keables in the modern age, Dr. Webb has decided to abolish Keables corrections

CONGRATULATIONS! you are one of the few brave souls who have actual read this issue of Imua ‘Iolani! Mahalo for your support! shootz den. The answers to AP Psych exam is: why not?

April 1. 2014

SWEG

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MATH TEACHER DROPS SICK TRACK REMIX

Photo Courtesy: Park backwards | Imua ‘Iolani

By Rycen Graevy Recently, what with all the new developments making their presence known around the school, namely, a new building, new iPads, new classes, teachers, and de-

partments, plus all of the effort and work that it took the run the school before all of these wonderful things came to be, it has been noted that our illustrious leader, Dr. Timothy Cottrell, gets less sleep than a ju-

nior with three sports, a Tiger Mom, and a slate of APs. This is no wonder, as a recent study done by the University of Chichester has found that the amount of work required to run ‘Iolani is two or perhaps three times that of any other school in America, like, say Punahou for example, which could be run by a hamster -- albeit a really smart hamster with a pretty sick hamster wheel.

And so, in order to keep our Head of School fresh and rested, with plenty of sleep and in the best condition possible to facilitate the running of our great school, it was decided today that Mr. Michael Park of the math department will be named Admiral Deputy Assistant Lieutenant Head of School, and will handle all those matters that are deemed nonessential to the running of the school but essential enough to be handled by someone in charge.

Since Mr. Park teaches only three classes a day, and grades his papers at a slightly faster pace than Sonic the Hedgehog running the 100m dash, he will have ample time throughout the day to complete his administrative du-

ties. Proposals, actions, and other matters previously handled by Dr. Cottrell will be presented to Mr. Park in the form of equations, derivatives, and integrals. Mr. Park will grade them and return them to the administration; whatever solutions are wrong will be scrapped, and whichever solutions are correct will be adopted.

This will streamline the process by which the administration makes decisions, and it will lend the cold logic of math to the general bureaucracy that has heretofore been the method of operations of the school.

Mr. Park will also assume several daily functions that have previously been handled by Dr. Cottrell, namely playing 80s funk during passing periods, duct taping himself to the wall during Board of Governors meetings, and bringing hot cross buns to Imua `Iolani staff.

Block Schedule...? FINALLY!!!

By Bo Lohead Having the extended schedule every day is something almost every student wants, and if you’re one of them, you’re in luck. ‘Iolani administrators have made the decision to change to a block schedule set-up starting in the 2014-2015 school year. Classes will be longer, and students will no longer have to attend every class each day.

Mr. Tate Brown, upper school Dean of Students, is very supportive of ‘Iolani’s new schedule change, saying, “I like block schedules because I don’t want to keep going in circles.” The staff views this new change in the school’s schedule as one of improvement and also believes that it will encourage stu-

dent productivity.

Students are very enthusiastic about the new change as it means an easier and less stressful daily life for them. “We’ll have more time for things we want to do outside of school,” says class president Chris Lindsay ‘17. “I think that our class will appreciate the extra time for Skyping friends, going on Facebook, or doing that last raid on Clash of Clans. I mean, who needs sleep?” Lindsay also predicts that each student’s eyesight will worsen due to the extended time staring at their iPads, phones, or computers. “But that’s what glasses are for,” he added.

Mrs. Heather Muraoka, ‘95, is now a History of the Ancient World and

History of the Modern World teacher.

Muraoka is both supportive yet critical when it comes to block schedule, saying, “I will have to add more activities and videos to keep my students focused.

The longer class time means they might zone out. I’d need to see my students for a longer period of time, too.” In contrast, she says, “I will have a lot of time for in-depth lessons, and I’m happy to know my students will be able to devote more time to history.”

Needless to say, students will have a much easier workload and more time for other activities. It is a step forward in achieving a student-friendly school life that will ease the typical student’s stress instead of increasing it.

THIS JUST IN: Sulivan center will be demolished in order to build an arena for the proconsul games.

Tickets on sale at imuaonline.org

Wrestling Ring-Worm Epidemic

By Ty Skorr Some of the largest, mightiest athletes on campus have been felled by a mysterious outbreak, including wrestlers Kainoa Torigue ‘13 and Mathew Vinci ‘13, who tower above everyone at a heights of close to 5’0”.

What could possibly take down these god-like figures?

Only a recent epidemic of earring worm.

On the week before the state wrestling tournament, the outbreak epidemic amongst the wrestling team almost put them out for all of the season. The flesh-disfiguring disease of the earlobe (which is kinda’ related to ringworm but more site-specific) started with patient zero, Jake Nakasone ‘14.

“I didn’t shower for five days. I was actually quite shocked when I saw seven massive earring worms on me” said Nakasone. The skin disease is highly contagious and has spread to every person on the wrestling team.

“I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to wrestle in the state tournament. But my mom had makeup so I just covered it up” said Robert Main ‘15.

Other wrestlers were all able to wrestle at states through creative ways of covering up the disease. “I had one that had moved from my ear lobe to my arm, so when the refs checked me for a disease I turned my arm away from them so that the ick wasn’t visible” said Spencer Kiehm ‘14.

After finishing the state wrestling tournament, the wrestlers were quarantined and had their ears disinfected pending further investigation of the disease.

If you have come in contact with these wrestlers, the likelihood of contracting the disease is extremely high, especially if you borrow their ear buds, lay your head on their shoulder or ruffle their hair. Scientists are asking you to talk to your local doctor as soon as possible if you suspect signs of the condition, which includes crusty pus, flakey flakes and an inability to hear the bell signaling the end of lunch period.

In related news, Dr. Peter Webb will be wearing a beanie cap to class for the rest of the quarter.

Vatthew Minci ‘18 suffers from earring worm

Page Tree

Twerk

Imua ‘Iolani

Yearbooks tardy! Distribution expected in 2015

Mrs. Canookin stresses over the fact that yearbook workers are not only behind schedule, but also obssessed with continuously watching Maryknoll Fury on Youtube.

We’re lovin it: McDonald’s coming to campus entry

By Tate Tertots Soon, underclassmen won’t have to sneak off campus to get their McCafé lattes and fries.

The ‘Iolani Board of Governors has voted in favor of turning the guard shack located near the fire lane by the upper school autoline into a McDonald’s drive-thru. Recognizing the popularity of the ‘Iolani Court Plaza Mini Mart, the Board wanted to make sure that students did not have to venture off of campus to acquire unhealthy food.

This McDonald’s franchise will come fully equipped with all of the popular menu items and a few extras such as the McLand Sea And Air burger, which contains a beef patty, Filet-o-Fish patty and McChicken patty between two buns. For those on the Atkins diet, the Big

McChicken will be available.

This Big Mac with McChicken patties in place of the buns is the perfect way to stock up on protein after a hard workout.

A special iBurger will be fabricated in the design lab with a 3-D patty between two laser-cut wood buns.

‘Iolani plans to open this mini-McDonald’s by 2016. This business venture will entail digging 20 feet underground to create a kitchen in which the student employees will cook the food. Although the details are still being discussed, the ‘Iolani physical plant intends to employ students of legal age to work during their free periods, and though they won’t be paid, they will get first dibs on any burned items.

By Inky Paws While the 2013-2014 school year ushered in many new ideas and opportunities on campus, it was also the first year for the yearbook staff to ever fall behind schedule, resulting in a delayed publication of the 2014 Ka Mo’olelo O ‘Iolani. The yearbook will not be ready in time for students to pick up in the last week of school. Instead of the staff unveiling the book/theme to the student body, faculty, and staff and distributing it in time for everyone to run around and sign each other’s books, everyone will receive their book in the mail late in the summer.

As a result of the delay, Jostens has fined ‘Iolani $6,000. Everyone will need to contribute to paying this off if they wish to receive their own copy and must pay for off-season shipping.

Many unavoidable errors prevented the production of this year’s book. Many photos disappeared when the iDepartment decided to ban graphics apps, mistakenly deeming them “too

graphic.” To make up for missing pictures, members of the yearbook staff have Scotch-taped in makeup pictures and an apologetic note begging for forgiveness.

However, the lack of student cooperation to make this year’s yearbook is main reason for the tardiness of printing. “Due to the lack of punctuality on the part of the senior class (we’re still waiting for many seniors to hand in their accomplishments and signature cards, tsk tsk), we’ve had to extend our publishing date to June, so the book won’t be shipped to Oahu until mid-August,” said Ms. Michelle Knoetgen, 2013-2014 yearbook advisor. “It’s really a shame, because I’m sure everyone will miss having a yearbook this year. Just look at last year’s again and pretend it’s this year-that should suffice!”

To make a dent in the debt, staff members have started selling all of their valuables and even gone as far to roam the streets pan-handling strangers for spare change.

Fourth-floor coffee break!

By Kiehm Kardashian Starting April 15, ‘Iolani School will be operating its very own coffee shop, Café Express, on the fourth floor of Sullivan Center. Mrs. Frith, CEO AKA “Big Boss” who is heading the project, provided exclusive details to Imua ‘Iolani.

Q. How much will the coffee cost?

A. “Coffee will cost $1.50 for administration, faculty and staff and $2 for students. All coffee is served in a standard 8-ounce cup.

Anyone who brings in their own mug/reusable cup gets a 50-cent discount. There will be weekly tumbling contests against Mr. Park, singing contests against Col. Rankin and Akamine Sensei, juggling contests against Mr. Guillou, vertical jumping contests against Mr. Among, staring contests against Mrs. Yonashiro and Mrs. Waidyatilleka, and

cook-offs against Mr. Wada. The winners of these contests will get free coffee for one week.”

Q. What will the hours be?

A. Café Express will open daily at 7 a.m. and close at 3 p.m.

Q. What kind of coffee will be made?

A. Alumni from all over the world will be shipping coffee to us at very low costs! We will have coffee beans coming from Kona, Guatemala, Colombia, Brazil, Kenya, and Vietnam!

We are also going to start growing our own coffee beans on the rooftop garden of SCIL!” Q. Do you think this is beneficial for ‘Iolani students?

A. “Absolutely! The students will learn how to operate a café and how to attract customers (by wearing various donut costumes while they work at the café).

The students in my entrepreneurship classes will also learn about marketing as they write their own jingles and sing them in the hallways and caféterias while wearing donut costumes. They will also be able to design the costumes.”

Q. Any other comments?

A. I am super-excited about opening up a café here! If it is successful after the first year, then we are going to branch out to the upper school and lower school auto lines in the morning.

Also, 10 percent of all profit will go to Operation R.A.D. (Raising Awareness for Darfur) to provide books and supplies to our sister school in Camp Djabal (Chad) .9 percent of the profits will go to camp Djabal and 1 percent will go to the Mr. Joe Monaco’s Bacon Fund.

ianloI’ aumI

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H0n0lulu, H@w@!!

V0lum3 VII, !$$u3 89

The very First Proconsul Games

By Mysenn Min An unprecedented surplus of candidates in this year’s proconsul race has prompted the administration to revamp the election process. With 11 juniors running, the Student Activities Committee decided that the long-standing tradition of proconsul speeches was ill-suited to accommodate such a large field of candidates.

“We realized really quickly that the normal process — the speeches, the ballots — would just take too long. So we needed to find something faster and more efficient, while maintaining the fairness and fun,” said current proconsul Ayami Hatanaka. Hatanaka and her fellow proconsuls, along with Mr. Uejio and several teachers, were tasked with devising an improved election system.

Proconsul Spencer Kiehm concocted the plan that would eventually be unanimously adopted. “I was at home, going through my nightly hair care routine. The whole process takes anywhere from two to four hours, depending on the humidity and the condition of my follicles,” he said. “I was watching a movie to pass the time, and right in the middle of “The Hunger Games”

is when it in the past, but as long dawned on me as the competitors keep that the soluthe One Team spirit in tion to the exmind while they’re cessive candihunting down one andate problem other, it should be a was staring great time. I’m pretty me right in the excited to see what face: happens.”

“A noThe candidates holds-barred share Mr. Uejio’s exbattle royal.” citement.

Lindsey Kiehm imCombs ‘15, an early mediately befrontrunner, feels congan work on fident about her odds. a pitch for his “I run track, so I have plan, which he the physical condipresented to tioning to outrun my the commitopponents, or if need tee just days be, chase them down later. “I was and destroy them,” she completely opsaid. “I love running, posed at first,” and brutality is kind of Mr. Uejio said. my forte. It should be “This kind of interesting.” thing is risky, On an undisclosed but Spencer date, all 11 candidates made a great will be taken from case for it. their homes in the dead Other schools of night. They will be have had some transported to camtrouble with pus, where each will Head Gamemaker Mr. Uejio has miraculously grown back be dropped at a differstudent-on-student bloodsport hair on his head and face in preparation for the games ent randomly selected

location. All classroom supplies will be available to be salvaged and repurposed as contestant see fit.

“Nothing is off-limits, and that’s what makes it so exciting” Hatanaka said. “None of the materials on campus were meant to be used as weapons, so we’re gonna see a lot of good, oldfashioned ‘Iolani ingenuity as students try to ‘win’ the game.”

Insert interesting article here

‘Io Hawk now part of hidden camera network

By Terry dactyl If you have ever walked on the ‘Iolani campus late at night, you have probably noticed the red eyes on the ‘Io Hawk staring at you.

Don’t worry, it’s not alive, nor is it scaring away the evil spirit in the Sullivan Center. It has just been discovered that seeing through the eyes is the big hawk himself, Mr. Brown. That’s right, two cameras are installed in the eyes of the hawk to watch the behavior of students at all times of the day.

The cameras use stereoscopic vision, allowing Mr. Brown to view activity at great distances with high-quality imagery. C If you have ever walked on the ‘Iolani campus late at night, you have probably noticed the red eyes on the ‘Io Hawk.

Don’t worry, it’s not alive, nor is it scaring away the evil spirit in the Sullivan Center. It has just been discovered that seeing through the eyes is the big hawk himself, Mr. Brown. That’s right, two cameras are installed in the eyes of the hawk to watch the behavior of students at all times of the day.

The cameras use stereoscopic vision, allowing Mr. Brown to view activity at great distances with high-quality imagery. Conveniently located near the senior benches, the cameras let Mr. Brown spy on upper school students, especially seniors.

“When the hawk was being built we took the opportunity to add to our school’s vast network of hidden cameras,” said Head of School Dr. Timothy Cottrell. “At ‘Iolani we are greatly concerned with our students’ safety. Being an open-air campus, it is easy to lose control and not see what goes on during every minute of the day.”

The cameras are also sound-sensitive. They can pick up on speech from people within a 200-foot radius. Conveniently, the farthest senior bench is 200 feet away as well.

Suspicious ...

Although not everything can be heard when there are many people around during passing periods and lunch, everyone can always be seen. Every wedgie pull and nose pick is clearly seen by the eyes of

the hawk. Beware, the big hawk is watching your every move. onveniently located near the senior benches, the cameras let Mr. Brown spy on upper school students, especially seniors.

“When the hawk was being built we took the opportunity to add to our school’s vast network of hidden cameras,” said Head of School Dr. Timothy Cottrell. “At ‘Iolani we are greatly concerned with our students’ safety. Being an open-air campus, it is easy to lose control and not see what goes on during every minute of the day.”

The cameras are also sound-sensitive. They can pick up on speech from people within a 200-foot radius. Conveniently, the farthest senior bench is 200 feet away as well.

Suspicious ...

Although not everything can be heard when there are many people around during passing periods and lunch, everyone can always be seen. Every wedgie pull and nose pick is clearly seen by the eyes of the hawk. Beware, the big hawk is watching your every move.