April 1, 2016

April Fools 2016 | Volume 91, Issue VII | Honolulu, Hawai‘i A Voice for Students Since 1923

Stepping Backwards The Future Becomes the Past

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Trying Times for Technology ByA Bowels Chile ’20

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he use of technology, like iPads, is one of the leading causes of decreased productivity in the school setting.

As a result, ‘Iolani teachers and faculty have decided to ban and destroy all electronic devices. All so-called advanced technologies will be sold for scrap metal and parts. Personal property, such as a cellphone, is also subject to confiscation.

“Electronics have led us very far, but the school feels that it is time to take a few steps back,” said Head of School Dr. Timothy Cottrell at the One to Zero technology initiative meeting held on March 28.

Starting next year, Imua and Yearbook students will handwrite each publication and hand-draw accompanying illustrations. Electronics-based electives, such as Robotics and Make It 101, will be phased out. Currently enrolled students will transfer to a new track of electives, including Extreme Fitness, a class that will utilize the soon-to-bedefunct Sullivan Center as a massive rock-climbing wall.

In an effort to reduce costs, administrators are discussing eliminating electricity altogether. Glow sticks and candles will replace all lighting. Students at school dances will enjoy the exciting tunes of yesteryear. The orchestra and the band

Freshman Function ByVee Held Donuts ’19

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5:30 to 9:30

Ko’olau Ballrooms

reshmen–save the date! The Freshmen Function will take place on April 23 at the Ko‘olau Ballrooms from 5:30pm to 9:30pm. Bids are $50 per couple but only $20 if the participant is going stag (friends are better anyway). The imaginative theme, “Starry Red Yule,” encourages guests to wear white and red. The girls’ dress code dictates that dresses reveal no more than the collarbone area and are of fingertip length. Appropriate attire for boys include a dress shirt, long pants, and dress shoes, although, in keeping with the tropical spirit of the night, shorts are acceptable if accompanied by a jacket.

Freshman Class President Taylor Venenciano ’19 is excited for function. The freshmen student council made the request to implement a Freshmen Function to Head of School Dr. Timothy Cottrell. Although Dr. Cottrell has sanctioned Freshman Function, thanks in part to a petition signed by members of the ninth grade class, Starry Red Yule he has also mandatFreshmen Function ed a fully vegan and gluten-free menu.

A hearty kale, cauliflower, and bitter melon salad will precede the main course, and a scrumptious jack fruit pudding with flax seeds is the featured dessert. The ever-youthful Mr. Taylor Wong is eager to chaperone: “This sounds so fun. I wish I was a freshman again!”

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will hype everyone up with scores such as “Overture in C-flat Minor” and the “Symphony in G Sharp Minor.”

Instead of emails, teachers will send announcements to their students by way of carrier pigeon.

Ms. Till is already beginning to build up her flock for the upcoming changes.

Telephone calls will now be made using tin cans and string.

The band’s brass section will herald the start and end of each class.

Computer Support Specialist Mr. Ricky With a smile and a sigh, Dr. Cottrell com- Okazaki finishes up ITS spring cleaning. mented, “Going completely off the grid is ‘Iolani School’s final goal, but eliminating technology is the first step.”

Senioritis Spreading ByHasty Milk ’16 and Calm Tea ’20

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s the school year is ending, the rise of Senioritis cases is just beginning. School Nurses Mrs. Shannon Yonamine and Mrs. Carin Makishima have concluded that iPad applications are the underlying cause of Senioritis, a highly contagious disease that causes student apathy toward one’s studies. The disease “is evolving,” according to the latest studies from the Center for Disease Control (CDC). Previously, Instagram was one of the only apps identified to infect hosts, but increased Snapchat and Vine use has caused a spike in Senioritis cases. Trends continue around the nation. At the latest Jun Seo ’16 exhibits Stage III senioritis.

Board of Governors Progression to Stage IV means increased meeting, Dr. Timofatigue and in extreme cases, death. thy Cottrell reported these findings: “My fellow educators are overwhelmed by this problem. Senioritis affects 68% of high school seniors nationwide, and more recent studies estimate that we’ll see that statistic rise to 99.999% by 2019.”

While the CDC searches for a cure, it advises citizens to abstain from known causes of the disease, citing Snapchat filters as “especially harmful.” ‘Iolani School administrators believe that the best preventative measure is to have “all seniors repeat their senior year.”

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ILH: A New Slew of Special Sports ByMailman Noah ’20

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ith the recent decline in student athletes, the Interscholastic League of Honolulu (ILH) is concerned about the health of students across Oahu. To solve this issue, ILH ran a survey at participating schools asking students about ways to get more people to join school sports. A surprising number suggested that new activities be added for students who don’t play contemporary sports. The organization listened to the students’ suggestions and plans to add the new programs next year.

Students are overjoyed with these new sports, mostly because of the P.E. credit potential. With these new activities, the participating schools predict a skyrocketing increase in student athletes. They have already received many applications for speed walking.

This mission will undoubtedly result in getting our students to become more active.

Next year’s new sports will include: ARCHERY - Students will get P.E credit

for trying to embody Katniss Everdeen.

CURLING - A sport of precision and accuracy, except the participant gets a broom.

SPEED WALKING - You’ve got to be the fastest, but somehow not be too fast.

It’s basically track for people who can go slightly faster than the average walker.

QUIDDITCH - This is just soccer where YOU CAN FLY! It’s the coolest sport and basically the last thing Harry Potter fans can look forward to.

ICE SKATING - Ice skating in the Hawaiian heat? What could go wrong!

RUGBY - A fast-paced football game that is mainly played in Australia. Deadly snakes and kangaroos will be found on the field along with the players.

ULTIMATE FRISBEE - Basically rugby with a spinning death device that goes anywhere but where you want it to go.

BADMINTON - A sport that has many wondering, “How is this not tennis?”

Wizards Yuting Jin ’16, Kaitlyn Takata ’16 and Ms. Erin Nagoshi test out the newest Firebolt brooms.

Sam Sniffen ’20 leaps up to catch a frisbee.

Students Face Readmittance Exam ByKoala Cam Noun ’20

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tarting this summer, ‘Iolani will require all returning students to take a placement test in order to earn the right to continue attending the school.

The final exam system still stands; however, students in both Upper and Lower School must pass the new entrance exam to get promoted to the next grade level.

The exam will be split into two parts.

The writing and knowledge portion of the exam consists of subjects including, but not limited to, Algebra, English, Physics, World History, Trivia, and Current Events. “We want to ensure that students are challenged by ‘Iolani’s rigorous curriculum,” says Dean of Upper School Dr. Aster Chin. Practice questions have yet to be released, but the test’s format is as follows: 50 short answer questions followed by one long essay for each subject. The administration has also stated that approximately eight of the aforementioned subjects will be used in the exam. Students will be given one hour for each subject consecutively, with no breaks allowed.

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“We want to see if students can function at full capacity for several hours at a time without a break,” says Director of Admission (Lower School)

Mrs. Kelly Monaco.

The second part of the exam tests athletic ability. Every student will be required to complete a mini-biathlon of a 2000-yard swim and a 15-mile run.

“Don’t worry too much about the marathon,” Director of Admission (Upper School) Mrs. Raquel Leong advises.

“The swimming is just 20 times across the length of the pool. And the running is only 60 laps. Students will be given an entire hour to complete the course.

It shouldn’t present too much of a

challenge.”

Administration has released some rules and basic information for the exam.

The exam for returning students starts at 6:00am on July 1; however, all students must report to their designated exam sites at least two hours early.

Exam locations will be released at a later date.

Students must not be late and cannot miss the exam date for any reason.

Students must receive at least a B+ on both parts of the exam to earn promotion to the next grade level.

Students must meet the one-hour time constraint for each part of the exam.

Passing out from exhaustion on either part of the exam is not allowed.

Any student who doesn’t comply with the exam rules will fail the entire exam and should start applying to another school.

Dr. Chin advises students to stay optimistic about the changes: “The addition of this exam was a difficult decision,” she said, “but we believe that it will only benefit the student body.”

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HealthyVend is Now Healthy ByMegan Ielelagaiu ’19 and Lehcar Relwob ’16

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hen the bell rings for passing period, many students rush to the vending machine to grab some chips or candy. The HealthyVend is very convenient for students because it is quick and has a variety of popular snacks. “I love this machine because I don’t have to wait in that long snack bar line and they have all the food that I am craving for,” said Cobi Lee ‘16 who has had difficuty deciding between Hot Cheetos, Snickers, Sour Patch Kids, Starburst, Skittles, and Funyuns.

Athletic Director Wendell Look demanded that `Iolani get rid of all the junk food in its vending machine in order to boost athletic performance for P.E. students. The machine will now

sell carrots, celery, Cuties, apple wedges and raisins.

P.E. teacher Ms. Kristen Masunaga agrees that ‘Iolani should eliminate the “bad food” because many kids do not participate in P.E. due to stomach aches. “A lot of my students complain that they just ate so they can’t run,” said Ms. Masunaga. “One kid even threw up in the pool!” Coach Look agrees with Ms. Masunaga. “When my football boys come to practice, they are always slow and lethargic. Every time I ask them what they have for snack, they say the HealthyVend.”

The HealthyVend will get their new snacks in May 10. Come check it out!

New Snacks Coming May 10

Proconsul Corner: Changes for Next Year

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ello Student Body, We would like to thank you again for electing the three of us to this wonderful, important role. We promise to completely top last year’s Proconsuls’ ideas, and we want to share a few of

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them with you.

Due to last year’s incredibly low turnout and high cost, we will now have Winter Ball in the Lower Gym to create a more community-like feel. We hope you will enjoy this incredibly romantic venue. Remember to bring your socks and ID. The poor response to last year’s homecoming has prompted us to create an even shorter Homecoming Week: one day to be exact. We will incorporate dress-up periods instead of days, so we hope you can change clothes, take an artsy picture with your friends, and

get to class on time—all within five minutes.

With hundreds of leftover masks masks from this past March Masquerade dance, all 1,300 Upper School students will receive a FREE mask in the mail in the coming weeks. You can probably hold a longer, more crowded dance at your house.

We are excited for an awesome year!

Go Raiders!!!

Sincerely, Your new Proconsuls *Just kidding, it’s still Drey, Cole, and Mike.

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