DATE NIGHT DEC 1 | 5:30 - 7:30 PM
Date Four: Becoming an Encourager
On this date you will look at ways to encourage each other and ways to increase the fun factor in your relationship. PREPARATION Bring a small notebook or journal, two notecards, and two envelopes on your date. Consider combining this date with an activity you like to do together such as hiking, fishing, golfing, tennis, or playing board games. DATE SUMMARY Before marriage, it’s easy to look for the positive. But once we marry, the stars in our eyes begin to fade and we see each other’s little idiosyncrasies. The reality of living together creates tension, and without realizing what is happening we can easily focus on the negative instead of the positive. But, here’s the principle: what we focus on grows. If you want a marriage garden full of weeds, focus on your partner’s faults. If you want flowers, focus your thoughts and efforts on the flowers. Appreciation and encouragement is so powerful. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, the great German poet and philosopher, said, “If you treat a man as he is, he will stay as he is. If you treat him as if he were what he ought to be and could be, he will become that bigger and better man.” The same principle applies to your spouse. Psychologists tell us it takes at least five positive statements to offset one negative statement, so we need to develop the habit of building each other up by focusing on the positive. Date Four will guide you in how to give honest praise by sincerely describing what you appreciate about your spouse. Laughter is a first cousin of encouragement. Look for ways to laugh together. Laughter relieves tension, lowers your stress level, and is good for the health of your marriage.
PART 1: ENCOURAGING QUESTIONS 1. How has your spouse encouraged you in the past? 2. How would you like your spouse to encourage you in the future? 3. What are five things you appreciate about your spouse? Think of thoughtful actions and/or qualities you appreciate. PART 2: ENCOURAGING ACTIVITIES Choose one or more of these activities. 1. Use your list in the last question above to start a positive journal. The idea is to have a notebook/journal that you can leave around your home where you both will see it often — like in the bathroom. Take turns making positive entries. Initiate your journal on this date. 2. Use the two blank notecards and envelopes that you brought on your date to write a note of appreciation to your spouse. Seal it. Hide it at home where your spouse will find it this week. 3. Make a coupon book of fun dates you want to have with each other in the future. (You can do an online search for “coupon books for couples” to get some good ideas.) Is there an area that you would like to explore together? (Sports, crafts, writing, gourmet cooking, hobbies, education, etc.) 4. On your date stop by the dollar store and pick out a small but thoughtful gift for each other.
POST-DATE APPLICATION For one day this week, keep track of the number of positive and negative statements you make to your spouse. Repeat the practice each day until you reach a ratio of at least five positives for every one negative statement. Write entries this week in your positive journal. Be appreciative when your spouse compliments you. Look for humor and reasons to laugh together!