SUMMARY:
Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus
isandrews.com
JOHN GRAY
by Is Andrews
Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus: Navigating the differences between men and women This book is based on the idea that men and women are fundamentally different in their perspectives, needs and attitudes towards relationships, and as a result are often in conflict. There are a lot of general statements made about what men and women are like – you’ll probably recognise some of them and maybe not others. (It’s possible that in your relationship, Gray’s descriptions of male and female behaviour are somewhat or entirely reversed. Use the guide then as an example of types, rather than as definitions of gender.) Men and women who fully embody the Mars and Venus profiles are trying to communicate with one another across a language barrier so immense that it is as if they come from different planets. Without the skills to interpret each other’s behaviour, our relationships look like they’re headed towards frustration, disappointment and perhaps ultimately, failure. Whilst John Gray makes a convincing case for markedly different approaches in communication and intimacy, it’s important to remember that in fact, men and women are both from Earth! There will be many times when a man or woman may have an instinctual response to their partner, but that doesn’t mean it’s the best way to behave, nor that we have a license to do so, because that’s just ‘how men/women are’. Exploring different ways of thinking and feeling about relationships gives us the opportunity to choose how we operate in our marriage, and understand why there may appear to be a discrepancy between our own ideas and those of our spouse.
Some principle differences between ‘Mars’ and ‘Venus’ Abilities / Feelings Men love to have their abilities recognised and appreciated; they generally focus on indicators of success and their own competence. Women prize their feelings and their emotional range; they view the world through an emotionally calibrated lens and evaluate people and situations accordingly. Men don't rate feelings particularly highly, as in their view feelings can result in irrational, exaggerated and wildly unstable behaviour. Women tend to consider an emphasis on abilities leads to coldly dispassionate, aggressively competitive behaviour. This doesn’t mean that women are unable to think rationally, nor that men are robotic creatures without an ounce of compassion or empathy – simply that the primary filter through which we consider our worlds is different. Solutions / Assistance Men like to work on their own, and exercise their abilities by solving problems quickly and singlehandedly. They tend to value solutions, and view unsolicited assistance with a task or problem as undermining their strength and competence to solve it alone. Women like to co-operate, and explore their feelings connected with a problem through lots of communication with their partner, friends and family. They value assistance with difficulties, perceiving it as support. However, presented with an unsolicited ‘solution’, women may feel dismissed. Page 1
S U M M A R Y : Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus JOHN GRAY
isandrews.com
Men need to take the initiative themselves to ask for advice and help – and if they do so, they’ll really appreciate the support and collaboration they receive. Women find relief from managing complex problems simply by talking about them, and hugely value the sense of being listened to and understood. Often they see their way to solutions themselves simply through the process of sharing. Asking for Support Men love to do things which are appreciated, and loathe doing things which are demanded. They generally wait to be asked, and may take a long time to learn to initiate offering their services. Women are often intuitive and full of empathy, and so expect help to be spontaneously offered by their husband (rather than expect to have to request it). Wording your request of a man in the right way can make a big difference to how well it’s received. Don’t make it sound like a demand, or imply criticism that the need for help wasn’t anticipated ahead of time. Questions which begin with the words “Could you” or “Can you” are often interpreted by men as challenging their abilities. They might respond more positively to the same request phrased “Would you” or “Will you”! Perhaps that seems like an insignificant detail, but consider the difference between hearing the response “No I can’t”, compared to “No I won’t” … Both men and women need help and support, but they tend to seek it in different ways. Communication Women find clarity by discussing and demonstrating their feelings, particularly when ‘chewing over’ a problem or situation. They may use dramatic vocabulary, exercise some artistic license when stating their case, or pour forth long lists of grievances rather than just stick to the matter in hand. This can cause frustration for their partner, as when men communicate they like to get to the point! Men generally only want to listen if they feel the conversation has a resolution, and will skip to the end as efficiently as possible. When considering difficulties, men like to sort their thoughts out before communicating them, and can therefore appear distant. This can lead to their partner feeling anxious or ignored. Talking about a problem has different functionalities for men and women, and they need to learnt to ‘hear’ their partners appropriately and understand what’s going on behind the conversation. Emotional Identities: Encouragement / Attention Deep inside every man is a knight in shining armour seeking a damsel in distress who will love him, and shower him with trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval and encouragement. And underneath, every woman is looking for that heroic knight who will love her, and shower her with caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation and reassurance. Men must listen attentively to women to understand their needs, avoiding getting angry or defensive; women must have faith in men's abilities and best efforts to fulfil their needs, avoiding trying to change or control them, and expressing their feelings without criticising their partners. Arguments and conflict thrive on failure here – triggered either by a man’s inattentiveness provoking a woman to get upset and express disapproval, or a woman’s disapproval causing a man to get defensive and stop listening to how she is feeling.
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S U M M A R Y : Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus JOHN GRAY
isandrews.com
Saying Sorry When men make mistakes they become frustrated and angry, and are often best left alone until they calm down. Men consider apologies to be admissions of guilt; women view apologies as expressions of compassion. This difference of perception is why men are generally much less willing to apologise than women. The Cave / Emotional Waves Men alternate between the need for intimacy and the need for distance. Instinctively they will retreat into a ‘cave’ to be alone periodically within a relationship, particularly during times of stress. A woman can’t drag a man back out of the cave, however much she may wish to! Instead by recognising his need for some ‘alone time’, she can create an atmosphere of relaxed and loving acceptance, making it far easier for him to come out again. A man’s withdrawal in this way is not a sign of rejection, but a coping mechanism for handling pressure and complexity. Women’s emotions tend to roll like waves. Their desire for perfection leads to them rising to peaks, falling into troughs, and then rising back up again. Men must know that the ‘trough-time’ is when women need men most. In being supportive, and not trying to get the woman out of the depressive trough immediately, she feels validated, but not controlled. To encourage one another in intimacy a man must feel needed, and a woman must feel cherished. Responding to these differences – Mars and Venus living on Earth A healthy relationship is built on solid identities and authentic, self-sacrificial love for one another. We can’t maintain a happy marriage by manipulating our spouse according to ‘rules’, neither can we shrug our shoulders and relax into a stereotypically ‘Martian’ or ‘Venusian’ role; rather these differences give us the opportunity to reflect on our own motivations, expectations and instinctive responses to our husband or wife. Self-reflection, understanding, self-control and gracious communication are key elements in developing a partnership of strength and integrity. Men and women are not a separate species from one another. This book amplifies some general behavioural patterns, but they are not hard and fast, and they do not control us. Using some of these principles as a guide, men and women can work towards speaking one another’s language, considering one another’s preferences and understanding one another’s perspective; together we can agree on how to treat each other with love, acceptance, respect and commitment. by Is Andrews
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