quaranteen angst a couple thoughts about being stuck inside and how it makes you feel about yourself
sometimes you make things. it gets harder and harder to make things. or maybe i’m just bad at it. no one can do this all the time, i guess, but right now i feel bad at it. my making isn’t always public - not public like it used to be, and new kinds of public now. it always feels like it has to be public and that i have to make something of the time, especially now there is so much more of it than there ever was before. i have a life. and with that life i have to make things. it is a debt i feel.
lately i’ve had a lot of time, what with all this sitting at home, and i don’t even know what to do with it all and that makes it harder to do anything. i’m getting to be jealous of myself in a time when i could be different, but i think it’s okay to rest, too. and people are like that, you know? it’s easier to build stuff to build around.
when
you
have
or maybe that’s just me. i could do almost anything, so i don’t do anything. i didn’t used to be this way.
i really miss‌having a foundation.
and we’re only a little way in.
i miss you. i miss me, too. i miss who i used to be a bit, three days ago. but things aren’t forever, and if they are i guess will have to be okay
even gone that too.
i miss the feeling of sunshine and the darkness in a movie theatre and the light outside of a movie theatre, when you come out and expect it to be night and actually it is 4pm and the whole evening is still yours
HOW LONG WILL THIS BE THE NEW NORMAL?
MAYBE FOREVER?
i miss the idea of a me, waking up and doing yoga with discipline. miss the idea of discipline or of doing something out of habit or of being in a way that goes forwards. miss waking eyes.
up
without
goop
in
my
miss the air. miss the plants. miss wearing shoes. miss dressing up because i’m supposed to. miss having someplace to be.
but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er! but i have to do be,er!
i owe it to myself to take care. we owe it to ourselves to take care. so take care.