you changed, bud by Ishani Jasmin

YOU CHANGED,

BUD

a sombre meditation on losing the oldest friend you had through no fault of your own; just one of you moved and the other one kept trying to keep up, and it resulted in you having a painful confrontation in which they were a total asshole because they were so focused on their new life, they couldn't even be bothered to say goodbye kindly or respectfully

you left, and you didn’t even have the courtesy to tell me you were going - and we had made it through being busy and being far away before, so how was i supposed to know the difference between then and now? so i tried to keep it up. you didn’t tell me you were going anywhere. i assumed you were just busy, and that you’d be back. like every other time that had happened.

but we’re done now. not just you done with me - i’m done with you, now. and people are telling me it’s your loss. i know you don’t care. but i hope with all my heart that this comes back to bite you. i hope you feel threefold the hurt i feel - not for you leaving, but for you being shitty about it. for you making me feel disposable on your way out. it didn’t matter to you how i felt, so why shouldn’t i have my feelings? they’re all i have.

i cannot imagine what it’s like to be the person who does the leaving instead of the person who is left. i have always been the person who is left - maybe that’s because i’m loyal. i used to think it was because i’m stupid and worthless, but i just hold on longer because i have more hope in people to be good. i am good, and i have perhaps an unfathomable amount of hope in people to be good back. my heart is always open. my my my my

heart heart heart heart

is is is is

always always always always

open. open. open. open.

maybe i have an expiration date?

i used to be really proud to be your friend. i can’t imagine being someone so beloved by everybody, so smart and clever and interesting and CARED ABOUT, and thinking, ‘i need to be somebody else, and i need to leave most of the people that care about me behind.’ i don’t understand that move. but that’s what you did. i hope it was worth it. no i don’t. i hope it fails, and you’re forced to remember that we all valued you to begin with, and you threw that away because you have a ‘new life’. but if you go into your new life by throwing away your old one, i wonder how you’ll feel when someone does to you what you did to me - because it will happen someday. we remember the good and the bad about you, and we loved you anyway.

i’m angry, but at least i’m loved and at least i appreciate the love that comes for me appropriately even if i can’t always return it. and if i can’t i say so. my heart is always open, and i am honest.

i keep looking at articles about when it’s excusable to ghost someone, and you know what? ‘i want to focus on my new life now’ isn't on the list of reasons to drop out someone's life without giving them the chance to say goodbye.

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ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT

IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT! IT!

and that’s on you. the way you made me feel? that’s on you. the way i feel is on me, and i bear the weight of my own emotions. but the cause? that’s all on you. you left me in the dark, and you didn’t have to. you could have left me knowing where i was. you don’t have the care or the sincerity to do that left in you, and that's on you.

i will overcome this, and it will be up and down but in the end i will do it easily. not as easily as you, it seems, but at least i gave us the time and energy it was worth.

losing people is hard, but in the end, you lost me too, and maybe someday you will need someone who really cares about you, and you lost me, and it was entirely your fault. i would have been there as long as you had cared. but you couldn't even muster care, and that hurt. i wish i could hurt you how you hurt me.

you might think of someone as a friend because when you see them you’ll be nice to them, even if you never bother to make any further effort than that. that is an acquaintance. if you call acquaintances friends because you're scared to acknowledge the distance you’ve created, i think that makes you a coward. and you know what? we aren’t friends now. by both your definition - being nice when we see each other - and by mine - making an effort. i won't be nice to you when i see you. in fact, if i ever see you again, i’ll punch your lights out.

i don’t mind that you don’t want to do this anymore, but the way you let it drag out and then shut it down without letting me express my feelings when you had the opportunity to express yours was callous and rude. you from two years ago might be happy with what you have and where you are, but he would be sick at who you’ve become.

i want my goodbye, and i don’t really care what you want - because you’ve made it damn clear you don’t care what i want. so:

this is my goodbye. this is december 2018, and we’re having brunch in your parents’ house and your mum tells me about how you had distinctive farts when you were a kid, we laugh and it goes quiet. and you muster the courage to say, ‘i have less and less time lately, and i appreciate what we’ve had, but i don’t think i can do it anymore.’ and i say, ‘okay, that makes me sad but i understand. i’ve loved it. maybe sometime i’ll see you.’ and we hug goodbye at the station, and i don’t reach out to you ever again. i don’t text you asking for a phone call or to hang out, because i have clarity and understanding of an ending. goodbye to you from then. fuck you to you from now, though - not for leaving, but for leaving the way you did.