Prologue

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My Family

Iwas lucky to have been born in a family which welcomed my birth as its eldest child. I grew up in Shimla where Papa was posted. A family which believed in me, loved me unconditionally. My parents, Shri Puran Anand Sharma and Shrimati Prabha Rani Sharma and my brothers Anand and Ashok treated me with love, protected my dignity everyday. The family was special for me as I felt emotionally comfortable with my parents and brothers. Papa and Mummy took extra steps to allow our childhood to be happy and beautiful, taking care of our sense of wonder. I don’t think families allowed so much of space to children to be happy, to enjoy, to innovate and to dream then, and, even now! For me, my parents and my brothers were my world. There was no fear. I learnt to be bold along with my brothers. Most of my cousins grew up with restrictions on their freedom, with inhibitions and a lot of responsibility were imposed on them by my paternal and maternal sides of the family. I did not face any of those impositions and restrictions.

My brothers loved me and made me a part of their team. We laughed, fought, cried, wiped each other’s tears and got back together. My parents encouraged us to enjoy, explore, to spend time with each other and also to be on our own when we needed to. Relationship with siblings is special in terms of growing up together with parents, protecting each other, teasing, covering up

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each other’s mistakes, even blaming the other to save one’s own self. The beauty of it all was that these quarrels were short-lived. We patched up fast to become friends again and again. There was no bitterness. No one felt humiliated.

My family has been very important to me. As children we felt protected, confident and happy. Papa and Mummy meant everything to us. They protected us, addressed our fears, staying awake when we were ill. Papa did not ever tell us how hard was life for him. He taught us to cope and face difficulties. Mummy looked after us with a lot of courage as she used to be alone with us when Papa went on tours quite often and during his postings in Delhi and Port Blair, the capital of Andaman & Nicobar Islands.

We were given freedom to think and do what we liked. My parents never imposed anything which would make us unhappy. Papa believed in Khalil Gibran’s philosophy ‘the children come through us, but they are not ours. They have a world of their own which we cannot visit’.

The strong bonds that I developed with my brothers have become stronger because, each one of us is concerned about the other’s happiness and well-being. Whenever anyone faces a challenge of any kind we are all concerned. None of us was or is jealous or insecure when one of us has done well at some point of time. Each one of us becomes the strength of the other. We emotionally support each other and our families, and are non imposing, non interfering, giving space to each other. We are close in spite of the fact I could never provide support to my parents and brothers when they faced difficult situations. I was never misunderstood. Everyone remained understanding, never became judgemental.

My husband Devendra, our son Divyamanu and Devendra’s family were most important for me. I treated my family as a priority over my profession, compromising with punctuality, taking leave to become a support whenever any member of the big family needed me. I tried to cover up by staying awake to make up for work in office to meet deadlines. I managed due to a strong support from Devendra and Manu. Mummy and Bauji, Munna Didi and Ruchi helped whenever they could.

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I became a part of my husband’s family where I was treated with dignity and was allowed to work after the birth of my son. My mother-in-law and father-in-law agreed to keep my infant son till I got an accommodation in the Punjabi University, Patiala where I began to teach. The support provided to me by my parentsin-law, brothers and sisters-in-law helped me in different ways. I learnt to take the responsibilities of being the eldest daughter-inlaw along with my work responsibilities. My first job at Punjabi University, Patiala, working with Mrs Aruna Asaf Ali in Nehru Memorial Museum and Library, Department of Women & Child Development in the Ministry of Human Resource Development (MHRD) and later at National Council of Educational Research & Training (NCERT) were all very challenging. I was expected to go on tours frequently. I had to leave for a UNESCO conference in Australia as Government of India’s representative within 15 days of the death of my brother- in-law’s wife. My family understood and allowed me to leave.

I had the courage to accept challenges, never give up because my brothers and their families supported me silently and my husband’s family understood my official responsibilities.

Devendra and Manu have always provided support to keep me going, every moment, everyday and in every situation. It has been quite difficult to keep going after Devendra left for the better world. I have managed because of the continuous support from my brothers and their families. Manu and Priya have always been around, concerned and responsible. Vaidehi creates happy moments for me with her extremely intelligent and sensitive interaction.

What Maulana Jalaluddin Rumi feels with sensitivity about environment, is also true of a family that stays together. Each member needs to make an effort to be like the:

Sun for grace and mercy Night to cover other’s faults Running Water for generosity Death for rage and anger Earth for modesty Appear as you are Be as you appear.

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However, with time it generally becomes a habit, if we are not careful, to take parents, siblings and other close family members for granted. It can lead to disrespecting the ones we are closest to, if not checked. The famous painter Vincent Van Gogh survived because of the eternal kindness of his brother Theo. In the materialistic world, we make a big deal of what others were not able to do due to some compelling reason or pressure, overlooking their compulsions. Moreover in personal relationships, the effort made to help generally falls short of the outcome. It is not possible to achieve results all the time, even if one wants to. We need to continue to nurture the emotional bond and remain sensitive to each other to respect everyone’s dignity in our families.

Each one needs to reflect and keep making a continuous effort to be loving and strong to keep the family relationships healthy. Each one needs to refrain from using unkind words and sarcasm.

Papa

You cared for me in special ways. There is so much that I will never be able to forget, incidents after incidents. Your priority was to ensure that I was healthy and confident. As your eldest child, I was born a 9 pound baby. You ensured my participation in the baby show in Shimla and kept my certificate of participation carefully, the first prize and the jhoola (baby swing) till I went to college. You adjusted your office schedule to rush to speak to my School Principal to complain to her that my class teacher had slapped me for refusing to take a bucket home to bring it to school the next morning. You requested the Principal to call the class teacher in her office. You clearly told both of them that no teacher was to ever slap or shout at me and said that the Principal and the teacher must talk to me nicely, convince me to do tasks, which I was not comfortable with. You sent out a strong message that the school needed to do it for every girl. I wonder how many fathers would have had the time and courage to do this! You did it 60 years back!!

You encouraged me to travel in bus as a child of six years to meet my grandparents in Kasauli. I remember you requesting the bus driver to ensure that I had to be helped to get down

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at Kasauli. You informed my grandfather to pick me up in the evening, not forgetting to request the passengers sitting next to me to take care of me during the journey. I had with me a tiffin box and a glass, to have water, in my cloth bag. You had given me Avomine tablet to take care of travel sickness. My initial fear turned into confidence for future travels. I managed to travel alone from Delhi to London and back, stayed with your friend, my Godfather, Derek Harington Hawes and his family soon after my graduation. Not many Indian families would have dared to even think about sending a young unmarried daughter to England in 1973. This gave me an international exposure which helped me later with my official tours, both nationally and internationally. I never ever become nervous because of the confidence you gave me in my childhood. You took a decision to send me to a hostel when I was doing Pre-Medical in Government College, Mandi. I was always sent to colleges which were co-educational.

When I find the present generation of parents imposing themselves on children, disciplining all the time, wanting them only to study hard, I think of you. You and Mummy never did it to us. I was poor in Maths which always pulled down my performance drastically, but you never felt ashamed of me. When a relative asked you about my performance at school, you informed him that because I barely managed to pass in Maths, my overall percentage came down. I got a third division in school as I failed in Maths and had to reappear in the Supplementary Examination of Class X. You reacted sharply to the unkind comments to protect my dignity and saved me from feeling humiliated. This keeps coming to me as a flash frequently. Most parents today judge their children, give them what they want and feel proud of them only when they do exceptionally well. You were confident that each one of us would find a place and do well in life. Your faith and trust in the three of us helped us to become what we have.

We learnt from you to work hard, never stop reading and learning and to remain committed to our work. You taught us to find time for those who might need us to help them overcome their difficulties, share our time and energy. You never put restrictions on me. I was free to move, visit libraries and old people who needed medicines/food. Three of us had to take turns regularly to

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take these to those in hospitals, to Ms Haridas, her husband Col Haridas had passed away. She was very old and was the sister of revolutionary Madan Lal Dhingra’s father! I was allowed to play all the boys’ games and go sledging in the snow with my brothers. We would make a snowman and look at the stars in the bright blue sky from all our rooms! You encouraged both Anand and Ashok that I should be a part of their team. You were firm when you had to take three of us to meet your magistrate friend in Hisar (Haryana) as you did not pay attention to my Mami’s (maternal auntie’s) objection that I should not be going to the court. You told her, ‘Kiran will go!’ Anand and Ashok have ensured that I go with them on every family occasion especially, the passing away of your sisters, your brother and our cousin. They ensured that I went with them in the baithak where only men were sitting. This was at Kamla auntie’s place. Women were made to sit separately. I could not go to Hisar when our mummy’s brother, Hari Mama passed away. Anand and Ashok informed our cousins that I could not be with them as I was ill.

Your struggle to perform, walk and continue writing to communicate with us and the doctors in the last one year of your life with Motor Neuron Disease taught each one of us to continue to fight odds and never give up. Your firm belief in ‘Mushkilein aayengee zaroor, par guzar jaayengee aahistaa aahistaa (problems will come but slowly pass away)’ helps us to keep believing ‘we shall overcome problems’. We grew up seeing how you never lost faith during difficult periods. This keeps us going in the toughest of situations. Your messages used to be the great strength for us, ‘we never get baffled!’ You were a member of Shimla Literary Club. You used to write and share poetry with us in Urdu and English. When we were young we could not appreciate the fact that during your matriculation days, you wrote a poem and got a first prize for it. We now feel proud of your intellect. Although a father’s role generally remains unacknowledged the world over, Mummy always made us aware of the great role you played in our upbringing. I tried doing it to ensure that Manu remained close to his Papa!

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You never gave up as long as you lived and practised a value, which is rare that it is not good to expect from children, try not to burden them with your problems. Never tell them what their duties are, focus on what your duties are as parents. Anand and Ashok became good sons and brothers as you were their role model and their families’ support enabled them to do so much for me and many others, relatives, friends and strangers. You taught us that parents must always be gracious and never expect anything from their children except their love, respect and time. You taught us to take a stand, for one’s self respect and for others without worrying about the consequences.

Pradeep Singh, Anand’s friend, shared with me so many examples where you refused to go to the site of our house which was under construction to check the trucks with loads of materials to be used for the house. You felt that you must be in the High Court to argue cases of the government employees. You used to say ‘I do not care if I lose money, I need to respect my work first’. You passed on this value to us of respecting work with dedication.

Papa, I wish to let you know that you were a positive role model for Anand, Ashok and me. The values of integrity, hard work, commitment and empathy for those who are less privileged, sick or challenged are most precious learnings. Your message ‘be grateful to those who helped you, realise the limitations of those who could not’ remains a guiding principle for me! I wish to thank you for treating me with so much love and ensuring that my confidence level was sustained at any cost!

A very touching incident which I cannot forget is how you used to run with raincoats for Anand, Ashok and me when it rained heavily or whenever there were snow storms. When we were children, we used to feel happy and secure finding you looking for us. Now I realise that your sensitivity and the sense of duty made you rush for us, leaving important work at office, taking permission from your senior, with an assurance that you would complete the work on your return. You would walk with us, all of us holding each other’s hand tightly. The moment we entered the house you would return to your office without coming in. You were

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so committed to your work and family. This has helped us to make commitment a habit! You never encouraged us to miss our school, college or university even in the worst of weather conditions. We could only miss it if ill or when our grandmother passed away. Fun and travel was only during our holidays and vacations.

You found time to read books, literary pieces to us whenever you could. You used to get books issued from the Secretariat Library which housed the best collection of books, encyclopedias, classics, gazetteers, magazines and a number of newspapers. You tried to visit libraries whenever and wherever you could. You introduced me to the beautiful and rich Secretariat Library where I met several accomplished members including the then Chief Minister of Himachal Pradesh, Dr YS Parmar. You introduced me to him, he was friendly, curious and introduced me to works, which helped me understand issues of gender in Himachal Pradesh. I could read Dr Parmar’s outstanding work ‘Polyandry in the Himalayas’. I later presented a paper on the Special Position of Women in the Hills for the Punjab History Conference 1982. It was published in the proceedings and reported in The Tribune. You also introduced me to the Municipal Library, which had a beautiful and rare collection. I used both these libraries regularly. Your love for reading got automatically passed on not only to the three of us but to Mummy as well. You ensured getting Hindi books for her, knowing her interest in scriptures, you saw to it that she had enough to read. It was because of you that she could read so much – Hindi versions of the Bible, the Quran, Punjabi scriptures – Dukh Bhanjani and Sukhmani Sahib. I doubt if Mummy could have grown without your concern for her limitation of not knowing English language at all. You found magazines, newspapers and classics for her and also the time to discuss with her. This was learning for us as well.

I could not visit you in Shimla to spend time with you and Mummy for six years, but came later on official tours! You were hurt and upset that I never spent time with you as I arrived on the day of the meeting and left the next morning. Yet you never conveyed your anguish. Instead, you conveyed to me that I needed to focus my attention on Devendra, his family, Manu and my work. ‘Don’t neglect your duties ever. Mummy and I will understand’. You never forgot to do your duty to see me off at Shimla railway