FAMILY
Mehr: Reconsidering the Islamic Basis Muslims must strive and keep mehr to its original intent BY KHALID IQBAL
A
s I entered the hotel to attend the nikah and wedding celebration, I noticed a flashy sports car parked in front of the hall. Before the wedding, the host announced that the attendees should take a look at the mehr — loosely translated as dower — he was giving to the bride. About a year later, I saw her at a shopping mall with her baby in a stroller. Curious to hear about the car she had received, I asked, “How’s the car? Are you enjoying it?” She responded with a meaningful smile, “What car? I’m not even allowed to touch it.” How common is this practice? Mehr isn’t something to put on paper and then ignore; rather, it’s an obligation that should not be unnecessarily delayed. And, most importantly, the bride shouldn’t be pressured to forgive any aspect of it. During the marriage counseling and premarital courses that I conduct, many of my clients are unclear about mehr, why it is paid and/or when it is due. All they know is that it is an essential part of the nikah. The most sanguine misconception is that it lets the wife sustain herself in case of divorce and thus doesn’t have to be paid until the couple is getting divorced. In fact, it is the husband’s welcoming gift to his wife. Based on this mistaken view, several cases have been filed in the U.S. and courts in other Western courts contesting the assertion that it must be paid. Therefore, this and other misconceptions need to be clarified.
WHAT DO THE QURAN AND SUNNAH SAY?
Mehr is the cash, jewelry or any other agreed upon tangible items that the husband gifts to his new wife after the nikah. It is her right to receive it and an obligation (farida) upon him to give it, preferably before having consummated the marriage. If he can’t pay the entire amount at that time, the couple can mutually agree that part of it can be paid later. In short, giving it to her enables both parties to have halal marital relations: “O Prophet! We have made lawful to you [those of] your wives to whom you have paid their
dowers” (33:50); “(You can marry) chaste believing women, as well as chaste women among the People of the Book revealed before your time, when you give them their due dower” (5:5); and “Give women you wed their due dowries graciously” (4:4). In several instances, Prophet Muhammad (salla Allahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) emphasized mehr’s importance. It is related that he told a young man, “Go and look for something, even if it is a ring of iron” (“Sahih al-Bukhari,” 5121). The Quran says: “Let those who find not the wherewithal for marriage keep themselves chaste, until God gives them means out of His grace” (24:33). Abdullah ibun Mas’ud (radi Allahu ‘anh) reported the Prophet to have said, “O young people! Whoever can afford marriage should marry, for that will help him lower his gaze and guard his modesty. Whoever is not able to marry is recommended to fast, as fasting diminishes his urges” (Al-Bukhari and Sahih Muslim). Abu Dawud and al-Nasa’i narrated from Ibn ‘Abbas that ‘Ali (radi Allahu ‘anh) said, “I married Fatima (radi Allahu ‘anh) and said, ‘O Messenger of Allah, let me go ahead with the marriage.’ He said, ‘Give her something.’ I said, ‘I don’t have anything.’ He asked, ‘Where is your Hutami shield?’ I said, ‘I have it with me.’ The Prophet then responded, ‘Give it to her’” (“Sahih al-Nasa’i” 3160). This was the mehr of Fatima — the Messenger’s daughter and leader of the women of Paradise.
WHO SHOULD DECIDE THE AMOUNT?
The Hadith, the sira (life example) and the history of the Rightly-Guided Caliphs and Companions indicate that the bride and groom should mutually decide about the mehr. Parental involvement should be minimal, namely, restricted to encouraging the groom to offer something tangible and realistic. Nowadays, the trend seems to be letting culture dictate the amount and the bride and groom have little or no say in it. In another recent example, the dower
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wasn’t discussed until the wedding day. Just before the nikah, all the parents started haggling over it without involving the bride and groom, who had their own idea. It reached the point that the groom’s side threatened to cancel the wedding. The situation worsened once the news of the dispute began spreading among the families and friends.
IS THE AMOUNT SET BY SHARIA?
There are instances when South Asians insist on restricting the amount to the equivalent of Rs. 32, roughly 20 cents (Pakistani rupees) or 40 cents (Indian rupees) on the grounds that this amount is the “shariah-based mehr” according to the Prophet’s practice. In one case, for instance, the U.S. born-and-raised groom objected, saying that he could find no valid hadith and/or evidence from the sira that supported this amount. Abu Salma bin Abdul Rahman said he asked Ayesha (‘radi Allahu ‘anh), “How much mehr did the Prophet give to his wives?” She replied “twelve uqiyah and a nashsh” — approximately 500 dirhams in that era’s currency. Ibn Majah narrated that ‘Umar ibn
