8 minute read
Mehr: Reconsidering the Islamic Basis
FAMILY Mehr: Reconsidering the Islamic Basis Muslims must strive and keep mehr to its original intent
BY KHALID IQBAL
Advertisement
As I entered the hotel to attend the nikah and wedding celebration, I noticed a flashy sports car parked in front of the hall. Before the wedding, the host announced that the attendees should take a look at the mehr — loosely translated as dower — he was giving to the bride. About a year later, I saw her at a shopping mall with her baby in a stroller. Curious to hear about the car she had received, I asked, “How’s the car? Are you enjoying it?” She responded with a meaningful smile, “What car? I’m not even allowed to touch it.”
How common is this practice? Mehr isn’t something to put on paper and then ignore; rather, it’s an obligation that should not be unnecessarily delayed. And, most importantly, the bride shouldn’t be pressured to forgive any aspect of it.
During the marriage counseling and premarital courses that I conduct, many of my clients are unclear about mehr, why it is paid and/or when it is due. All they know is that it is an essential part of the nikah.
The most sanguine misconception is that it lets the wife sustain herself in case of divorce and thus doesn’t have to be paid until the couple is getting divorced. In fact, it is the husband’s welcoming gift to his wife. Based on this mistaken view, several cases have been filed in the U.S. and courts in other Western courts contesting the assertion that it must be paid.
Therefore, this and other misconceptions need to be clarified.
WHAT DO THE QURAN AND SUNNAH SAY? Mehr is the cash, jewelry or any other agreed upon tangible items that the husband gifts to his new wife after the nikah. It is her right to receive it and an obligation (farida) upon him to give it, preferably before having consummated the marriage. If he can’t pay the entire amount at that time, the couple can mutually agree that part of it can be paid later. In short, giving it to her enables both parties to have halal marital relations: “O Prophet! We have made lawful to you [those of] your wives to whom you have paid their dowers” (33:50); “(You can marry) chaste believing women, as well as chaste women among the People of the Book revealed before your time, when you give them their due dower” (5:5); and “Give women you wed their due dowries graciously” (4:4).
In several instances, Prophet Muhammad (salla Allahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) emphasized mehr’s importance. It is related that he told a young man, “Go and look for something, even if it is a ring of iron” (“Sahih al-Bukhari,” 5121). The Quran says: “Let those who find not the wherewithal for marriage keep themselves chaste, until God gives them means out of His grace” (24:33). Abdullah ibun Mas’ud (radi Allahu ‘anh) reported the Prophet to have said, “O young people! Whoever can afford marriage should marry, for that will help him lower his gaze and guard his modesty. Whoever is not able to marry is recommended to fast, as fasting diminishes his urges” (Al-Bukhari and Sahih Muslim).
Abu Dawud and al-Nasa’i narrated from Ibn ‘Abbas that ‘Ali (radi Allahu ‘anh) said, “I married Fatima (radi Allahu ‘anh) and said, ‘O Messenger of Allah, let me go ahead with the marriage.’ He said, ‘Give her something.’ I said, ‘I don’t have anything.’ He asked, ‘Where is your Hutami shield?’ I said, ‘I have it with me.’ The Prophet then responded, ‘Give it to her’” (“Sahih al-Nasa’i” 3160).
This was the mehr of Fatima — the Messenger’s daughter and leader of the women of Paradise.
WHO SHOULD DECIDE THE AMOUNT? The Hadith, the sira (life example) and the history of the Rightly-Guided Caliphs and Companions indicate that the bride and groom should mutually decide about the mehr. Parental involvement should be minimal, namely, restricted to encouraging the groom to offer something tangible and realistic. Nowadays, the trend seems to be letting culture dictate the amount and the bride and groom have little or no say in it.
In another recent example, the dower wasn’t discussed until the wedding day. Just before the nikah, all the parents started haggling over it without involving the bride and groom, who had their own idea. It reached the point that the groom’s side threatened to cancel the wedding. The situation worsened once the news of the dispute began spreading among the families and friends.
IS THE AMOUNT SET BY SHARIA? There are instances when South Asians insist on restricting the amount to the equivalent of Rs. 32, roughly 20 cents (Pakistani rupees) or 40 cents (Indian rupees) on the grounds that this amount is the “shariah-based mehr” according to the Prophet’s practice. In one case, for instance, the U.S. born-and-raised groom objected, saying that he could find no valid hadith and/or evidence from the sira that supported this amount.
Abu Salma bin Abdul Rahman said he asked Ayesha (‘radi Allahu ‘anh), “How much mehr did the Prophet give to his wives?” She replied “twelve uqiyah and a nashsh” — approximately 500 dirhams in that era’s currency.
Ibn Majah narrated that ‘Umar ibn
al-Khattab (‘radi Allahu ‘anh), said, “Don’t go to extremes regarding the dowries of women, for if that were a sign of honor and dignity in this world or a sign of piety before God, then Muhammad would have done that before you. But he didn’t give any of his wives, and none of his daughters were given more than twelve uqiyah. A man may increase the dowry until he feels resentment against her and says, ‘You cost me everything I own, and caused me a great deal of hardship’” (“Sahih Ibn Majah,” 1532). “give them their dowers according to what is reasonable” (4:25).
A few additional issues should be considered: • Mehr is not for show. After talking with me, Ali and Asma (not their real names) came to a decision as to the amount. However, Asma’s parents differed. They called for a meeting with Ali’s parents and asked for what everyone else considered an “outrageous” amount. When Asma confronted them, they told her, “This is what we want
MEHR SHOULD BE PAID HAPPILY AND ON TIME As mehr is the husband’s first gift to his wife, he should pay it readily and make it a happy occasion, thereby sending the message of love: “And give the wife (on marriage) their dower happily” (4:4) and on the nikah document so we can show it to the community with pride. If you want a different amount, you can always forgive the rest. What you do is your own business.”
Such short-term thinking fails to recognize the long-term effect this pressure may have on their daughter’s relations with her husband and in-laws. This insistence may lead the husband to conclude that his in-laws don’t care about his financial situation. In many cases, such negative family involvement plants the seeds of resentment and marital disputes. Such ignorance and, at times, selfishness should be condemned and avoided for the sake of the new couple’s future. • Parental manipulation for personal use. Parents need to realize that mehr is the bride’s right, and not theirs, and that she can use it as she pleases. No one has the right to force her to share it with anyone or to use it for something she doesn’t like. • Mehr reduction or forgiveness. Sometimes the groom or his family try to convince or pressure the bride to forgive all or part of her mehr. If the groom’s financial situation has changed for the worse, and despite his genuine intention to pay the full amount, he may ask her to consider forgiveness.
Abu Hurayra reported that the Prophet said, “Whoever marries a woman on the condition of a dowry [that] he does not intend to pay her is an adulterer [emphasis added], (just as) whoever takes on a debt that he does not intend to pay pack is a thief” (“Musnad al-Bazzar,” 8721). Simply put, he must intend to pay the full amount.
In his article “Zikr Wa Fikr” (translated by Shariah Board, New York), Mufti Taqi Usmani, a Pakistani Islamic scholar and a former judge who is vice president and Hadith professor at Darul Uloom Karachi, reiterated that mehr is the husband’s honorarium (gift) to his new wife willingly and happily. It should not be seen as the cost of acquiring a piece of property or as forcing her to provide something in return. Rather, it is a token of his love and respect for her.
Mehr is a very important part of any Islamic marriage. Its amount and fulfillment should be discussed carefully and then implemented to the full extent. Fulfilling this obligation should add to the couple’s love and happiness within their marriage. ih
Khalid Iqbal, a retired mechanical engineer who has long been involved with ISNA and MSA, is founder of the Rahmaa Institute, which focuses on issues related to marriage, conflict resolution, divorce, domestic violence and anger prevention. The author of “Anger and Domestic Violence Prevention Guide for the Muslim Community” (2016), he has developed a comprehensive eight-hour premarital counseling course.
