Jack Swan #16 by Jack Swan

#16

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Ashley Williams borrows Jack Swan out of his local library again

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Editorial

ell we had to wait a while didn’t we but in our 100th year we have our first trophy in the cabinet. Achieved European football through the English system for the first time and I can say with quite a bit of confidence that it is our best ever season. Football is a funny game as as soon as a season nears the end, we start to think about the next. Who can come in, can we keep hold of anyone and can we possibly top this season. Success always brings greater expectation and I think we are all beginning to feel like an established Premier league side and not a flash I the pan big boy wannabee. It’s a bizarre time at the moment, we have some of the biggest clubs in the world to play and yet it will mean more to them than us. I’m not getting carried away and stating that Man United are going to be in awe of us visiting but they have more to win and to lose. The Arsenal game was just weird, we were poor but we never really got up for the game. They needed to win to have any real chance of a champions league place and I think we struggled to find a real desire. The lure of beating a side who we have already beaten away this year and beat at home last season just wasn’t really there. I really hope that that wasn’t a sign of things to come. It would be a shame for us to finish such a wonderful season on a low. I hope you noticed that we added an extra 16 pages to our Wembley special last time round and we have had such demand and interest that we have kept the extra pages. The Mag, like the Swans is going from strength to strength and it is really nice to hear that so many of you enjoy it. I hope this issue is no different. Please keep staying in touch, tell us where we are going wrong and what you like. We will however, never produce a magazine without a spelling mastike.

Cheers Jack Swan

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A�� W��i�m� c��l� S��z� ‘M�nt��’ So I’m in Pontardawe Library. Relaxingly listening to Ashley Williams talking about his career. Its only when he calls Souza mental, Chico even more crazy than you’d think and describes Michu as a foreign exchange student that I think, I really should be recording this – the good readers of Jack Swan must hear this. This is proper journalism. But I didn’t, and so everything which I write about now I am pretty sure happened but I can’t be certain and I can in no-way prove. Just to make it clear, this isn’t a spoof event; this is a genuine story of what I believe to have happened as I remember it. Firstly, and not surprising from television interviews and stories about him but what a top bloke he is (even if he hadn’t heard of Jack Swan magazine, I mean who associated with the club hasn’t heard of its greatest achievement? Many a clubs have won trophies but only one has this magazine and he had never even seen one, either that or he’s seen every one but feels he should be racing away with ‘race to player of the year’). I do think footballers are getting smaller though. He looks like a mammoth on the pitch, dwarfing some players but he’s trim, 11 stone wet I’d guess. I see Tate fairly regularly and he’s the same. These are supposedly brutal centre half’s, sort it out football. His book which he was promoting actually sounds quite interesting. I don’t mean to sound surprised but I’m not one to read about ‘how hard it was getting here but my Gran stood by me all the way and when she died it spurred me on even more’ (alright I’ve never actually read a book but I’ve seen the X-factor and I’m guessing their similar). His book only looks at our maiden season in the Premiership and actually does sound worth a read. A bit steep I though, I expect it will come down in price so I’ll wait a few years or so..... or ebay? In the Library session which was £1.50 and came with an unmentioned buffet, (‘brilliant’ I hear you say, well not really, no. I’d just eaten). Anyway, in the talk Dave Brayley (who co-wrote the book with Ashley) asks the Welsh captain questions which followed his whole career in a generally chronological order - which seemed logical. It was good, interesting. Here are a few quick Ashley Williams thoughts for you:- The Championship is the most physically demanding league which he has played in. Suarez is the most difficult player he has marked. Leon is one of the best players he has played with. He recalled his first day in the Welsh squad where he sat outside the hotel in his car for twenty minutes phoning anyone who would answer just to delay the daunting moment of meeting the Welsh ‘superstars’ (he didn’t use that word) such as Jermaine Easter. A lovely story he told which showed quite how far his career has progressed involved meeting Juan Pablo Angel in New York. While Ashley Williams was working in a petrol station in Birmingham to top up his football wage, the former Villa striker would regularly stop at his petrol station and Ash would fill his car up. When Swansea were on their U.S.A pre-season tour they shared a hotel with the New York side that Angel played for and Ash smiled to himself thinking he was now on the same level as him: probably higher. Before the talk, I expected him to go at the end of the season. I tried my very best detective work during certain questions to find any clues as to whether his heart and future lies here or elsewhere. It was very interesting when he spoke about the differences between Brendan and Laudrup. He talks with a smile about Brendan, saying that the two years he spent with him was the best two years of his career. He also says that Brendan deserved his move; he was always the first person on the training ground and the last one off it. Working so hard and it was clear to me that they get on very well and have a lot of admiration for each other. His whole persona about Laudrup was very different. Initially I worried. He said something along the lines of ‘Brendan would do everything for you and for all the players but with Laudrup, he will do the three hours training and then leave us to it. We’ll never see him apart from that. It’s up to me and Monk to do everything’. This just seemed like a blatant ‘we don’t like him’ remark but it was later clear that it wasn’t. He went on to say (and these aren’t exact quotes as I have tried to make clear but similar-ish) ‘Laudrup has faith and shows trust in us, we are a good group of guys and so nobody takes the Mickey. When he first turned up with his relaxed approach, all us older players were looking at him

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On a possible move elsewhere he obviously said the inevitable, political stance of being happy here but he also acknowledged that nobody leaves SA1 for the better. Saying that Swansea play a certain way and that the players fit well within it and not so well elsewhere.

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his very early days at WBA where he rarely played at all. I do feel that, especially at this stage of his career, playing week in PROMOTION week out is vital to him and that any possible move which ALL DAY - MONDAY - THURSDAY ONLY may bring question marks about his first team place would Carling Extra Cold £2.55 per pint be unappealing. He did mention that he might consider a move abroad in the later stages of his career, he obviously speaks fluent Spanish, but I do feel more confident with him staying after this talk.

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as if ‘what the hell’ but the foreigners were fine with it, it is what their used to’. Ash then went on to say that both Brendan and Laudrup have their own ways which are totally different but both work really well. He was actually complimentary about Souza too; I thought I’d lure you in with the ‘mental’ jibe but he said that although fiery, he got on well with the players and Ash himself. Nothing really interesting to report about Martinez except maybe that he and the players felt the same as us fans when he left. ‘Wigan? I know they’re Premier league but they’re no bigger than us’. On a possible move elsewhere he obviously said the inevitable, political stance of being happy here but he also acknowledged that nobody leaves SA1 for the better. Saying that Swansea play a certain way and that the players fit well within it and not so well elsewhere. He clearly loves playing, he spoke about the difficulty he had when a Stockport manager disliked him and left him out of the starting eleven each week. He also remembers disliking his very early days at WBA where he rarely played at all. I do feel that, especially at this stage of his career, playing week in week out is vital to him and that any possible move which may bring question marks about his first team place would be unappealing. He did mention that he might consider a move abroad in the later stages of his career, he obviously speaks fluent Spanish, but I do feel more confident with him staying after this talk.

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I remember hearing that we had signed Thomas Butler and for me it was a sign at that time of how far we had come. A proven premiership player signing for the Swans at the time was bizarre. I’ll always remember his performance up at Brammel Lane against a Premiership Sheffield United which for me will stand out as one of the best individual performances I have seen in a Swans shirt. We caught up with Thomas Butler to see what he’s up to:Are you still involved in the game and if so, what are you doing? started coaching and currently a consultant for a sports company. What is your favourite Swans moment? Beating Cardiff at liberty when jordi Gomez scored was an amazing atmosphere. Who is the best player that you have ever played with in your career? Leon Britton, the man makes everything look simple. Who is the best you have played against? Henry at Highbury he was untouchable then What do you miss about the Swans? The staff and the people in the area, all good people.

Any funny stories? whether at Swans or not? Jason mcateer at a sports function shouting to jimmy white "180" is up there never forget his face nearly had a heart attack laughing. Where will Swansea finish this season? 8th-9th fantastic season again for swans Any hard feelings towards the Swans? None whatsoever wish I didn't have as many injuries as I did but that can't be helped when you play football. Who was the longest in the showers? At my time there Nathan dyer took his time. How come Tarzan doesn't have a beard? He hasn't hit puberty yet. If Harry Potter is so magical, why does he need glasses? maybe there X-ray glasses and if so the jokes on us

A Big thanks to Thomas for the interview. Wish you all the best for your future coaching and maybe see you coaching future Swans one day..

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We asked people on facebook whether you needed to be ruthless To be a truly great manager you have to have in order to be a top many qualities and being ruthless is certainly manager and whther or one of them. Too many average managers not Laudrup was? have hung on to average players at top clubs for too long in a misguided loyalty. Just look at Chris Pickford Yes and Aaron Ramsey at Arsenal. He’d look out of his Yes depth in the lowest of the Swansea Sunday League, a completely atrocious excuse for a Steve Thomas Ruthless human being and yet he stays on at the and fair and think Emirates. laudrup can be both It appears that Tiendalli will not be offered a new contract. I am certain that he would be if it was the generous Rogers or Marthinez in charge. Dwight has shown glimpses of quality and some patches less so but he was brought in as an emergency cover for Davies when Taylor got injured and with Taylor returning, it Pete Davies: There would surely just be foolishly sentimental to needs to be the right keep hold of him. balance, not ruthless It also shows ambition. He has played at right just for the sake of it back on a number of occasions and done and yes I do think that alright there. Personally I feel that he is Laudrup has the right adequate cover as Angel’s deputy but I’m far balance. too nice and lovable, I lack the ruthless streak. Adequate isn’t a good enough reason to keep Marie Jones: We’ll see somebody. Jazz has signed an extension, it who he keeps onto and could be that the Laud feels that he is ready to who he doesn’t over cover Angel now or it could even be that the the summer. If he keeps Great Dane feels that there is somebody out onto Sheckter then he there who would make Angel their cover. An definitly isn’t ruthless unimaginable situation. enough. Daniel John Not sure if Laudrup is ruthless, Hernandez underperforming so is Ki yet doesn't tell them!?

Simon Hughes: I think that there have been many great managers who have seemed to not be ruthless at all. I think players respect managers who respect them.

#15

Parental Advisory

There are lots of interesting scenarios to play out over the summer with our ruthless manager. Especially one who seems determined to have a specified squad number and not to ‘carry’ too many players. Leon for me seems in trouble. No sentimental manager or football fan would contemplate his first team place but I think there is a very realistic chance that he wouldn’t make a preferred

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eleven come the start of next season. Can you see Kemy staying? Then there was the wing. Which is going to really fascinate me. Routs has been brilliant and for me a nailed on first team place next season. For me the other wing is completely up for grabs. Pablo and Dyer have been far too inconsistent and we are yet to see anything from Lamar. Will he bring in another winger? I hope so and probably expect so. In which case, will he ‘carry’ 5 wingers? I very much doubt it. Again, a non-ruthless manager would keep the 4 and add a fifth, a cowardly one might cut short the Lamar loan. I’m really curious to see what he will do. I wouldn’t be too surprised if Dyer went. For me Dyer is the perfect in-pact substitute and would like to see him stay and have that role but I wouldn’t be too shocked if Laudup thought better. I expect Routs to stay and assume that Pablo will but I really do feel that anything is possible with our wide players over the summer and are really interested to see how it plays out. Up front will also be intriguing. We can be pretty certain that Schekter will go back from his loan spell goal-less, no amount of compassion from any manager would sign him up. We then expect at least one, probably two strikers to come in. In which case, what happens to Luke Moore? I like him, fans like him to an extent, as a third choice cover but I would be far from surprised if the gaffa say’s ‘get rid’. The next stage of the Laudrup revolution will in reality be his legacy to Swansea. I don’t expect any freeloaders, I expect every single player to have a role and something to offer. I hope this is treated as a little warning to those players who have strolled through the motions since our Wembley trip.

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#14

Parental Advisory

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When Swansea lost in the Semi Final of the FA-Cup in 1964. William vowed never to shave until Swansea won a major trophy.

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We asked people on Facebook the following question:Robbie Rogers recently retired because he felt that football wasn't ready to accept a gay player, do you agree with him?' Aled Jones I think the first person to come out will get the worst of the abuse. The stigma will die down after that Rhiannon Lewis I think the majority of fans wouldn't be a problem it depends how he's accepted between his team mates and by him resigning he obviously hasn't had a good experience. There's always going to be the minority football fans being homophobic as with issues with racism always a small few. Shouldn't be a question in an ideal world. Alun Krem-Szczesniak Didn't John Fashanu's brother come out in the nineties? Homosexuality is still not accepted. Seems very strange in our more sexually liberal society today. Robert Melen No I don't agree. Personally I couldn't a give a f*** if a footballer was gay. It would make no difference. And if someone sitting by me made a homophobic remark, i'd be disgusted.

I� F��b�� H�m��h��i�? So a footballer retires at 25 at the height of his game because he feels ‘we’, the footballing community are unable to accept homosexuality in the game. Robbie Rogers was far from a household name beforehand and although I needed to type in ‘Leeds gay footballer’ into google to jog my memory, he’ll probably sell more books now than he would have done before ‘coming out’.

Being a white, straight, British, able bodies water bird, it is difficult for me to truly understand and appreciate prejudice. I can try to imagine what it would be like to be discriminated against but in truth it is impossible. I for one, have no issue with homosexuality and it is rightfully becoming a more accepted part of society. I’m not sure if there is a TV soap left without some gay sex-line in (that’s a TV story line and not some bizarre premium rate numbered gay sexy soap-phone-line). Should Michu, Chico or any of our beloved players happen to prefer to snuggle up with Luke Moore rather than Demi Moore then I am pretty sure that we would prefer they didn’t feel the need to hang up their boots because of it. It is plainly obvious that some footballers are gay. Percentage wise, it is very likely that a Swans player is but we can be pretty certain that some premiership players are. In fifty years time, I imagine that it will be totally irrelevant, there will be a number of openly gay players and nobody will care in the slightest, as they don’t with musicians, actors etc... Over those years, it is probable that at some point, some players who ‘came out’ will get targeted with homophobic chants by small sections of fans but I genuinely feel that most fans in 2013 really couldn’t care less. There is the old ‘but would you want to share the same showers as him’ question which pops up in most pubs when this subject is launched. It’s a wonderfully optimistic and self-deluded question generally brought up by hairy, obese and aging men which suggests that if they were to appear naked in front of an influx of page 3 models that the women will be uncontrollable with their desire to get up close and discover what lies beneath the many hidden folds. Why, because a player is gay, would they instantly fancy you? The longer it goes on without anyone giving football fans a chance to react to a gay player makes it more difficult for others to come out. It is also not helped by idiotic complaints like the one which Brighton supporters group recently filed against homophobic chanting. Brighton is regarded as the gay capital of the UK. Wales is regarded as a rural, sheep inhabited part of the UK. I can’t remember ever playing a match (apart from possibly Cardiff and Wrexham) and not getting sheep-shagging chants labelled at us. Have I ever been offended by it? Of course not. So why would Brighton fans feel offended with the brilliantly amusing chant of ‘Does your boyfriend know your hear?’.... I don’t believe they do. As I said previous, I’m fortunate that I am generally in the majority and so I don’t fully understand what Robbie Rogers felt like and I don’t get his decision. I actually feel quite angry about it. That he feels that I as a footballing fan am naturally homophobic. It is only a matter of time before someone does openly come out and if it should be a Swans player then I have full faith in our supporters that they will be supportive.

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We asked those on Facebook whether they thought it was possible that Swansea could win the Premiership in the next ten years? Swansea Loyal: MY GOD,,,,, STEADY ON MATE Geraint Evans well i mean, yes, that is possible. In the same way it's possible for me to win the lottery or for QPR to stay up. it won't happen though. i'm going for 2033. Martin Davies I am sure swans be european champions by then Tom Wilson Yes. 10 years ago the question would have been 'in the next 10 years could Swansea reach the premier league, and get into Europe?' Back then we'd been laughed at... Sean Morgan Considering what we have achieved in the last 10 years, why shouldn't we Emyr Evans No! Andrew Howells not a cat in hells chance , it's all about the money and we will never compete financially no matter how well we are run Simon Davies: If you said to a Man City fan ten years ago that they would have won the league in the last ten years, they would have laughed at you. Ten years is a very long time. Fergie will retire in that time and who knows what United will be like then, Money lords at City and Chelsea will of probably got bored. It could be a very different league and if Swansea continue to improve then why not? Possible? yes!

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Even the pessimists are getting a little bit carried away at the moment and I’m definitely one of them. Over the last decade there has been many an occasion where I have felt that we can’t really progress on the field any more. League 1 seemed a league too far, the championship was surely a one season stop and the Premiership was going to be an embarrassing week in battering. On each occasion we have not only consolidated and proved me and others wrong but we have progressed and showed promise. But is there a limit? For example, can Swansea win the Premiership in the foreseeable future? The last decade has seen us progress from the bottom of the football league to achieving European football, is it really not possible that we could lift the Premier league title in the next decade? It doesn’t need a pessimist to see that we are far more likely to be back in the championship or even league one or two than lift the Premiership title by 2023. Common sense says that only a handful of clubs have the backing to be able to compete with the very top clubs and show the consistency needed to win a title. Money in football though is becoming a far more complex and interesting factor than it was ten or even five years ago. It wasn’t too long ago that the vast majority of a clubs income would come from its gate, now with the Television money as it is, it is a mere welcome bonus. The financial fair-play rules coming in should mean that the sugar daddies who have bought the likes of Man City and Chelsea recent titles should struggle to do so with such ease in the future. Players are all paid ridiculously. Ten years ago you couldn’t blame a player for swapping his £8,000 a week contract with a lower to mid premiership team for a £40,000 deal with Man United but Premiership players basically start on £40,000 now. The lure to earn £80,000 might be there to an extent but I think we are beginning to see more player’s content at established premiership clubs -from a financial scenario anyway. I feel ridiculous saying it but I think that if we had of loaned Lukaku this season then we would of seriously challenged for the top 4. We have been a top quality striker short of being fifteen or even twenty points better off at this stage: arguably more. Our progression has been euphoric; we have flown up the leagues and although I don’t genuinely expect us to lift the Premiership or reach the Champions League any time soon, I must concede that it does appear a weird possibility. Progression doesn’t only attract players but also should help defend players from the lure of other teams. Should we finish eight or ninth this year then it is possible that the better players at Swansea will think that we could push onto the top six or seven next year with a few additions and maybe that illusive top four champion’s league place. Over time our very best players will probably leave, we will always struggle to replace a player of the quality of Michu but if it is possible to convince these players to stay and then add extra depth and quality to them then arguably anything is possible. We have had a wonderful season, our best ever. I would though challenge any supporter to choose eleven players who have had a good season. I certainly couldn’t, many have had good patches but I’d say maybe a little over a handful have had what I would call a good season. I think we are seriously lacking in certain areas. Clearly up top but I also feel that we are short in the middle and at least one more wide man. I see obvious rooms for improvement and I expect they will be filled and we will be better next season in many areas. 40 points would still do me nicely next season and I’ll hold off from getting my ‘Swansea City 2014 Premiership Champions’ tattoo just yet but you never know. I still pinch myself to check we are genuinely in the Premiership.

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A Cardiff fan broke into the Liberty last night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for the League Cup when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as opened the case, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.' Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. 'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot. 'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.' The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?' 'Moses,' replied the bird. 'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

Cardiff fans trying to better one of our fine caravans

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus. Two inmates escaped from a high . security Prison today by hiding in the hopper of a lorry that had delivered readymix concrete. Police are warning the Public to be on the lookout for two hardened criminals.

I knocked on my neighbour's door this morning and said, "Can you have my children? I'll be no longer than a few minutes, I promise." "Sure," she replied. I said, "Great! Get your knickers off then."

Grant Holt finds time to give Deliah a hug. “ I didn’t mean to stamp on Chico, honestly!!!”

A certain Norwich player limbering up

M�� J��e� B� S��n�� An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentine, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African all went to a night club. The bouncer said...... . Sorry I can't let you in without a Thai!

Cardiff fans preparing for the next time they play the swans Photo taken at the time Cardiff last won anything

How to upset the new Pope The two British cooks at the Vatican upset the new Pope this morning, his first day in office. All Tina Smith and Marge Brown asked was, "does the Pope want a full English for breakfast?" Apparently, annoyed by the Falklands situation, the new Pope was reported to have replied, quite tersely - "don't fry for me, Marge and Tina..." I went out with a dolphin last night. It was amazing, we just clicked.

Was watching a documentary about Alzheimer's last night, and my wife turns to me and says "What a horrible condition, if I ever get Alzheimer's , I think I'll just shoot myself". "I know" I replied, "You said that 5 minutes ago". What moisturiser do bullfighters use? Olay

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I think it is discusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved while competing on drugs. When I was on drugs , I couldn’t even find my bike.

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It has been a poor month football-wise and so I thought I’d share some of the stories which have helped cheer me up over this boring time. Stories have been pinched from various websites and newspapers. I recommend that you buy all newspapers in future, that way I’m promoting them and should they try and sue me for copyright then they would be laughed at in a court room. Another newspaper will cover the story of them being so pathetically petty and boringly useless in court, I will then find that article amusing and copy that. The whole process will start again and I will end up in jail.

TV news presenter swears just FIVE SECONDS into his debut broadcast

22 Apr 2013 15:32 Without realising he was being broadcast, the nervous presenter cursed under his breath as he composed himself for his big moment It's the one thing that keeps news broadcasters awake at night besides being faced with a difficult interviewee. But swearing within FIVE SECONDS of your first live appearance as a new presenter for a television network has got to be an all-time record. A.J Clemente suffered the humiliating blooper as he prepared to shoot his debut television broadcast for North Dakota's KFYR network. Without realising he was being recorded, the nervous presenter cursed "f***ing s***" under his breath as he composed himself for his big moment. His co-anchor Van Tieu looked visibly anxious as she tried to ignore the gaffe and continued announcing Mr Clemente's introduction to the show. Mr Clemente later tweeted his embarrassment at swearing on air, exclaiming: "That couldn't have gone any worse!" A few hours later he also posted: "Tough day, thanks for the support, we all make mistakes. I'm truly sorry for mine. I'll try my hardest to come back better and learn from this." But news bosses at NBC, which owns the network, were not so forgiving and have suspended the unfortunate anchor. Monica Hannan, news director at KFYR, posted on the station's official Facebook page apologising for the incident. She said: "To all of you who are writing in...I want to apologise for an incident that occurred prior to our early newscast this evening, when one of our employees used profanity on the air. "He did not realise his microphone was on, but still, that's no excuse. We train our reporters to always assume that any microphone is live at any time. "Unfortunately, that was not enough in this case. We can't take back what was said. The person involved has been suspended until we resolve the situation. "All we can do at this point is ask for your forgiveness, and I can offer my personal assurance that I will do my best to ensure that nothing like this ever happens again under my watch."

Grandad buried on TOP of another man: Now body must be dug up and reburied

23 Apr 2013 00:44 Bungling cemetery staff had to phone the family the day after his funeral to say he had been buried in a grave that was already being used A grandfather’s body will be exhumed and reburied after he was laid to rest on top of another man. Bungling cemetery staff had to phone Karoly Reiter’s family the day after his funeral to say he had been buried in a grave that was already being used. The body of Hungarian Mr Reiter, 76, who died of a heart attack, will be exhumed and his devastated family will see him buried for a second time. Daughter Maria Brown, 52, said: “If he knew I’d say he’d be turning in his grave, but he’s not really in one. “You see things like this on TV – but you just don’t think they happen in real life. “We will have to watch him come up again, it’s unbelievable. To put a whole family through this is an absolute disgrace.” Nottingham City Council said there was no headstone marking the original grave at Wilford Hill cemetery in West Bridgford, Notts, and council records suggested the plot was empty. Parks and open spaces boss Eddie Curry said: “Even when excavations took place for last Wednesday’s funeral there was still no indication of previous burial. “Our error was noticed when we came to update historical hand-written ledgers with Mr Reiter’s burial, which indicated that someone had been buried lower down in that plot in the 1960s. "We are very sorry for the upset caused for the family.”

Fisherman who landed gigantic skate lost place in record books because he refused to kill it

22 Apr 2013 00:01 David Griffiths hooked the 235lb monster at 500ft below the sea off Oban in Scotland

An ecstatic fisherman landed this huge skate after a 90-minute battle and set a new record – but it will not stand because he refused to kill it. David Griffiths, 47, hooked the 235lb monster at 500ft below the sea off Oban in Scotland. The publisher from Sarn, Powys, said: “It was an unbelievable feeling. It’s was a really beautiful fish. And the skipper said it’s a new British record.” But rules say fish must be weighed on land. And David said: “I won’t kill a fish for a piece of paper.” He was mobbed ashore when word spread of the 7ft by 6ft skate which he threw back in the sea.

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Newcastle United fan kicked off jury as he 'couldn't give Sunderland defendant a fair trial'

19 Apr 2013 16:54 The Newcastle United fan is understood to have said he could not give the Sunderland defendant a fair trial so soon after the bitter 3-0 defeat. A football-mad juror halted a crown court sex case just 24 hours after the Tyne-Wear derby when he branded the defendant a “Mackem rapist”. The Newcastle United fan is understood to have told fellow jury members he could not give David Blake, from Sunderland, a fair trial so soon after the bitter 3-0 defeat.. He was then instructed to inform court staff, and stood by his bias when he was brought before Judge Penny Moreland. As a result, before hearing any evidence from the witness box, he was kicked off the panel despite the trial having opened at Newcastle crown court. He was told not to come back to court to complete his two weeks’ jury service. The case, which had heard the opening from the prosecution, had to be started again on Monday, meaning half a day was wasted. At the start of every trial, jurors are given a clear warning that they must try defendants on the evidence they hear in court and nothing else. A new jury was sworn in, but delay meant the rape victim faced an anxious wait to give evidence. The account of her ordeal - recorded as she gave it to detectives - had to be played twice to the court. That meant she was delayed before being cross examined about what happened to her. Blake, of Sunderland, denied raping the woman - who had fallen asleep in a spare bed, alone, after a house party - but was found guilty by the jury yesterday after a four-day trial. James Adkin, prosecuting, told the court the 44-year-old attacker took advantage of his victim’s drunk and sleeping state. Mr Adkin said: “She woke up at about 8am and to her horror she realised the defendant was having sex with her. “She immediately told him to get off.” When his victim contacted the police minutes after the attack, Blake told officers: “I started to kiss her, had sex with her, then she woke up.” He later denied confessing and claimed he had said “she was awake”. Jurors rejected Blake’s claim the woman had performed a sex act on him while he was sleeping, which led to them having consensual sex when he woke up. Blake was remanded in custody to be sentenced next month. Judge Moreland warned him: “I require a probation service report to assist with what risk you pose to others.” The judge added: “The sentence is inevitable. He shall be remanded in custody.” The term Mackem is a nickname for a Sunderland resident

Drunk woman steals 45ft ferry while shouting 'I'm Jack Sparrow'

21 Sep 2012 00:01 ALISON WHELAN drank Lambrini and ate poisonous nightshade before boarding the ferry and drifting up a river on the tide. A drunken woman stole a passenger ferry on the River Dart and shouted 'I'm Jack Sparrow' and 'I'm a pirate' as she drifted away from police on the shore Alison Whelan, 51, boarded the 45ft Dart Princess with a friend after a two-day bender, where she got drunk on Lambrini and ate poisonous deadly nightshade, which causes hallucinations. She undid the mooring ropes in the early hours and drifted up a river on the tide, bashing into other boats “like a pinball machine”. Whelan taunted police, shouting: “What are you going to do now?” and “I believe this is out of your jurisdiction!” Thirty police, a lifeboat crew, Coastguards and paramedics had to be called. And when the cops finally arrested her after an hour when the ferry came to rest in calm water, she told them: “We’d have ended up in St Tropez if we hadn’t been caught.” Magistrates jailed her for 122 days for aggravated vehicle taking. She had denied the charge. Whelan, of Paignton, Devon, stole the double-decker ferry in nearby Dartmouth a year ago. She had called an ambulance, claiming to have had a seizure. Medics found her drunk and rambling, and one of them was pushed over by her friend, Tristam Locke. The medics called police and went to their vehicle to wait, then looked in their mirror and saw the ferry drifting away from shore. Whelan told police she untied “two or three” of the mooring ropes because she kept tripping over them. She said she then felt the boat moving and “noticed the hotels getting a long way away”. The ferry suffered £1500 of damage when it hit two other boats, which were also damaged. Torquay magistrates heard Whelan and Locke could have been killed on rocks if the tide on the River Dart had been going out at the time. Locke was fined £100 last year for assaulting an ambulance technician.

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NEWS FROM THE GEORGE SPRING 2013

As we enter our third year of trading, having just celebrated our 2nd anniversary here at The George, we were delighted to receive an impromptu visit from the Food Standards Agency and received our 2nd 5 Star Food Hygiene Rating in two years. This 2nd award is testament to the dedication and professionalism of all the staff here at The George and highlights our continuing commitment to excellence and consistently high standards. Customers are asking a lot about the whole process of inspection recently, partly due to the success of the TV series ‘The Food Inspectors’. Of course, we’re always happy to discuss our top marks! The George is very much a family concern, and only a few weeks ago we managed to make time to get married! Mr & Mrs Megson are rightfully proud of the work that the whole family puts in to making the restaurant so successful. Particularly so on Sundays, when you’re likely to see daughters Bianca, Hannah and Kelsey all having hands on deck to help out, and even baby Calla is often known to put in an appearance! Ready for the arrival of Spring this year we have our new, completely refurbished al fresco dining area, with state-of-the-art facilities including electric heating and full canopies to ensure that the weather doesn’t dampen your experience. Why not pop in for one of our ‘Springtime Afternoon Teas’ and enjoy a teatime treat with our superb range of home made cakes. On the sports front, we are proud to see that our 2 darts teams in the Tawe Tuesday League have fully embraced the competition - that is to say one team is at the top of the table, the other at the bottom! It can be safely said that our teams are enjoying a ‘mixed season’. Darts nights are proving popular and fun, complemented of course by our great food and beers. All in all we’ve had a very successful first two years here. While a lot of hard work has been undertaken, we have now completed all of our planned refurbishing for the foreseeable future. We’d like to take this opportunity to thank all of the staff, family, friends and, of course, you the customers for your part in helping us build a top quality restaurant and become a part of the local community. Rob & Jayne

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THE UNION INN All Swans Games LIVE Davies 7.5/10 He’s been brilliant and keeps getting better, starting to overlap his winger with

Williams 7/10 Getting back to his very best after a slow start and a few very sloppy back passes.

Britton 7.5/10 Mr consistent and very noticeably missed when not in the team. The best player to ever wear the shirt.

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Vorm 7/10 Not the superhero that he was this time last year but still a top keeper.

Chico 7.5/10 A foolish early red card got us a bit worried but he’s looking the business at the moment.

JDG 7/10 A decent goal scoring record and a great delivery. A bit hot and cold but improving. Sign him up.

Routledge 7.5/10 In the form of his life, scoring and creating goals and looking dangerous and making something happen in almost every game.

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Michu 9/10 Arguably the best player in the league thus far. Scores goals, brings players into the game and a real handful.

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Rangel 7.5/10 Had a couple of poor games after I claimed he was the best right back in the league but has been brilliant.

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Michu: Narrowly missed out on being shortlisted for Premiership player of the year but walking away with it at the club. Whether he is one of the top six players in the league is questionable, he’s certainly been more consistent than Eden Hazard and scored more goals. I think Ricky Lambert was certainly right when he said that the smaller clubs get overlooked . I’m struggling to continue to write something new about Michu each issue now, he’s strolling away with this award. Ashley Williams: His awareness on the pitch is generally outstanding, off it though his awareness of atrocious. Walks in his own world seemingly ignoring institutions like Jack Swan magazine. He likes a Tweet, I think it is time we bombarded him with ‘Know Jack Swan’ tweets. Just an idea. Genuiunly though, he has been brilliant since the first half a dozen games. Back to his very best and one of the top defenders in the league. Chico: You just want him to be your friend don’t you? I was far from convinced when he returned back to earth to catch Louis Saha in the head all those months back but an awful lot has changed since then. He has bags of and ignites energy into the side. Very comfortable with the ball and a solid defender. I can’t imagine too many strikers enjoying 90 minutes up against he and Ash. Special Mention : Tiendalli What to do? He has been my man of the match on more than one occasion this season but has been donkey of the match in a couple too. He has one of the best crosses in our side, is one of the most adventurous to dribble past his marker and thoroughly enjoys a good tackle. He does though have bad days and as a full back you can’t afford to have them. If we had one less winger on our books then I’d keep him for his versatility. A bit of a bizarre ‘special mention’ this issue, I like him, think he’s done a great job for us but ‘bye and good luck’.

We asked people on Facebook who they thought should be the top three players in our race to player of the year and this is what people said:-

What Others thought on Facebook Who should be the 6 shortlisted for player of the year? Prem

Julian L Mallows Michu,Ben,Ash

Daniel John: Bale,Cazorla,Michu,Mata,RVP,Suarez

Steve Thomas I agree michu, Ben , ash

Leon Vincent Bale, suarez, rvp, michu, carrick, carzola

Martin Davies Michu ben and ash I think hard call Stuart Mayes Tremmel. Michu. Chico

Spenser Davies Ki, benteke, RVP, Luis, Carrick, brazillian for Liverpool (can't remember his name, tore Newc a new A hole yesterday?)

Ben Abrahams Michu, ashley, leon

Chris Pickford Bale, RVP, Benteke, Carrick, Suarez, Guzan

Jamz Hopkins Michu De guzman ash

Chris Stevens Bale, RVP, Suarez, Hazard, Ferdinand, lukaku

Robert Day Ben , Michu Routladge for me

Nathan Matthews Bale rvp suarez lukaku ben davis cazola

Danny Scfc ben, routledge, chico

Luke Scfc Harris Not in order but, Bale, Suarez, Mata, Rvp, Lukaku and Cech! Tim Rendell Mingolet , van Persie , Bale, Carrick, David Villa and a certain young Mitchu Mary Scfc Cherrington rvp; our MITCH;, bale; mata;gerrard and hazard. suarez would never be in my list I don't care how good a player he is when he cheats bites and is just a all round lowlife.

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The modern game is full of foreign players. Michael Laudrup’s belief that there are better deals abroad may lead to the Swans fielding a team without any British players before too long. What would happen if a law was brought in for a maximum number of foreign players from abroad? If we had to have an all Welsh team, we could field a decent back four of Taylor, Davies, Williams and Richards but that’s all we’ve got. What a lot of people don’t realise is that there are a lot of quality Welsh players in the ‘English’ Premier League, who for one reason or another have changed their names and are playing for different countries. Here are some you may know: Ken Wyn Jones / Kenwynne Jones A recent target for the Swans, due to his obvious links to South Wales. His half brother Alun Wyn Jones plays rugby for the Ospreys. Some rumours he may be playing in Malaysian red next season as they play the same kind of hoofball as Stoke City. Rob-Ifan Pricey / Robin Van Persie Rob-Ifan left the quiet village of Nantycaws as a youngster to join Rotterdam’s academy. To this day he refuses to eat any other cheese than Caerphilly. Was once involved in a bizarre Edam-throwing incident at Feyenoord. Owain Routledge / Wayne Routledge Has played for 37 different league clubs but has never felt more at home than in South Wales. Adopted as a child, Owain spent years moving clubs to search for his real parents. He finally found them in the Swansea valley and has now decided to stay in Swansea for life. Yossi Beynon / Yossi Benayoun Young Yossi’s parents moved to Israel in the mid 80s and changed their names to fit in. He even had surgery to enlarge his nose. Now owns a restaurant in Brecon. Dai Lewis / David Luiz ‘Brazilian’ centre back at Chelsea whose parents make pies in Pontypridd. Good friends with snooker legend Terry Griffiths. The Brazilian FA are paying him several million a year to continue his deception. John Rhys / John Arne Riise Only ever joined Liverpool so he could be close to his hometown of Caernarfon. He still holds the Gwynedd schools 100m record. Ioan de Guzman / John De Guzman Ioan has created a Canadian – Dutch alias that no-one will question, he has perfected the accent. He’s been keeping the act up for so long, he can’t even remember why he started it in the first place. But he’s finding it very easy to fit in here… Edgar Dafydd / Edgar Davids Yet another supposed Dutchman, he was sold to the Netherlands by Neil Kinnock in return for a windmill just outside Eindhoven. Has won almost everything as a player, now managing Barnet. Could he end up in Huw Jenkins’ office one day? (He loves giving young managers a chance.) Kantelew half landscape.ai 1 15/09/2011 20:03:20

Steffan Gardd / Steven Gerrard Perhaps the most shocking of all deserters, Liverpool’s best player since Dean Saunders actually grew up in Rhyl. A fluent Welsh speaker, there are several videos of Steffan on youtube singing Calon Lân at the Eisteddfod. Also known to be a major financial supporter of Plaid Cymru.

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Pointless info? Alternative Premier League (without top scorers) Team

Points

Position Points difference difference

Man Utd

Nil

-19

Arsenal

Up 1

-5

Man City

Down 1

-11

Chelsea

Nil

-5

Everton

Up 1

-7

Tottenham

Down 1

-15

Liverpool

Nil

-9

West Ham

Up 2

-5

West Brom

Down 1

-9

Swansea

Down 1

-7

Norwich

Up 2

-4

Southampton 31

Nil

-8

Stoke

Up 2

-6

Newcastle

Up 2

-6

Fulham

Down 4

-10

Sunderland

Down 2

-8

Wigan

Up 1

-5

Aston Villa

Down 1

-13

QPR

Nil

-4

Reading

Nil

-8

As you may have learned, I like my stats and I found these very interesting. Its has been plainly obvious that Michu has been vital to us this season and it is worrying to imagine where we would be without him and his goals. We are clearly not the only side heavily reliant on one goal scorer as these graphs show.

Percentage of goals from top scorer

I wont belittle your intelligence by explaining the stats to you. It was surprising to me to see on paper how few points Michu’s goals have given us or put another way, I was surprised at how many points we would have achieved without the Spaniard.

Team

Leading scorer

No of % of go goals als

Aston Villa

Benteke

15 41.67% 38.24

Swansea

Michu

17 39.53% 16.67

Liverpool

Suarez

23 37.70% 17.65

Tottenham

Bale

18 31.03% 24.59

Newcastle

13 30.23% 16.22

Man Utd

Van Persie

24 29.79% 22.62

West Brom

Lukaku

13 29.55% 17.65

% of points earned

Southampton Lambert

14 28.95% 20.51

Fulham

Berbatov

13 27.02% 25.00

Sunderland

Fletcher

11 27.02% 21.62

Wigan

Kone

10 23.33% 16.13

Le Fondre

10 21.57% 33.33

Walters

Felliani

11 18.46% 12.50

Dzeko

12 18.18% 16.18

Cazola

12 17.50% 7.94

Remy

Lampard

12 17.24% 8.06

Nolan

17.24% 11.9

Holt

15.15% 10.53

Like all stats though their not always Reading quite as clear as they perceive. This season we have not won too many Stoke points from behind but have been Everton pretty impressive at making the most of Man City winning positions. There have been Arsenal numerous games where a Michu goal QPR has put us in the lead and we have then Chelsea gone on to double the lead with a breakaway. As far as this is concerned, it West Ham will go down as 0 points contributed. Norwich

20.33% 16.22

17.24% 16.67

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I c��’� �r��i�� ha� �� e�� nt� �� i�� h�� u� �� i�h�. O�� n� i� f�� rt�� h�u�� : Ja�� Sw�� mag�� i� �� m�� m�n� �h�� .

W� ��n� 5,��0 c��e� �n� �i�� u�� m��n� � �n��es� �� Sw�n� �n� ��i� mag�� I’� a�r�i� �ha� �� h�� ha� ca�e� � ��r� ��n��n� �u� �ef�� ea��r� h�� t� �e� �� f�v��i�� mag�� . W� �ls� �n�� ha� �� m�� Ja�k� �h� �� r�n� �i�� id�� n� w��l� l�� e��l�� c��.

DAVID VILLA S� SIGNS �� e� Ja�� Sw�� FOR D��e� t� y�� do��? SWANSEA

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MESSI JOINS SWANS

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3 Fact� �u� O�� i� T�� (M��)

About a decade ago Soccer AM came to the Vetch field for the Swans to have their go at the cross-bar challenge. When Roger Freestone took his go, he completely over kicked it and knocked over a ladder in one of the neighbouring gardens which was used to have a sneaky watch of some games.

2) About a decade ago, Soccer AM came to the Vetch field for the Swans to have their go at the cross-bar challenge. Roger Freestone nipped off unnoticed after his turn, stripped off and streaked by the football goals.

About a decade ago Soccer AM came to the Vetch field for the Swans to have their go at the cross-bar challenge. Roger Freestone hit the cross bar with his turn but although the Sky broadcast discovered that the crossbar was a whole inch thicker at one end than it was at the other, they awarded him with his winning T-Shirt.

C�ic� Fl��e� In�� (Sp��)

We were fortunate enough to catch up with Chico Flores in the tunnel before the Chelsea game. Although Chico speaks perfectly good English he refuses to use the language 24 hours before a competitive match insisting that it will result in him becoming a ‘hoof it forward’ panic-stricken John Terry style centre half as against the cultured, Spanish one which he is. So to prevent such an unfortunate reversal in quality, we managed to grab Angel Rangel to translate for us. I recorded the interview with my Dictaphone and then were fortunate that when typing it up, a good friend of mine who speaks Spanish was present and able to directly translate the communication between Chico and Angel, I have put translated comments in red. JACK SWAN: Firstly I just want to say thank you for joining with me for this interview. RANGEL: I hate these idiotic interviews, why did you drag me into this? What stupid words do you challenge me to slip in to make it entertaining? CHICO: Cowboy, Zimbabwe, Elephant, Rubber Dingy, Splinter and a patio heater. RANGEL: Chico says ‘it is a pleasure, a little cold though, a patio heater would have been nice’ JACK SWAN: It has been an impressive debut season for you in the Premier league, are you enjoying yourself? RANGEL: A typically boring opening question, there is no imagination with these British media. We can basically hazard a guess that the next question will be along the lines of ‘being a fans favourite and do you love them too’. CHICO: And look at the state of him. He hasn’t shaved for at least a week; those shoes are at least third hand-me downs. He makes Michu look smart. RANGEL: Yes. I always enjoy myself, you like to fight here. I like to fight. I also like to roll about and pretend to be shot. I learn this while playing cowboys as a young man. You like cowboys? JACK SWAN: You have already become a fans favourite, do you feel well connected to the club and its fans? RANGEL: Surprise, surprise, by the way we didn’t finish our conversation earlier, are we going to try and stop Torres shooting? CHICO: I Agree with you, I don’t really see the point. He might get lucky and it deflects on target or something. Just let him have the ball where and whenever he wants and just wait for him to miss. No point stopping him shooting because he’s never going to score anyway. RANGEL: I once went on a holiday to Zimbabwe. There the locals would cross a crocodile infested river in a rubber dingy just to see if there were elephants on the other side of the river. That is real fans, those people loved the elephants more than any Swans fan loves me. Would you risk a splinter getting in the dingy for me? I thought not. JACK SWAN: Rumours are that Bayern Munich are interested in your services, would you struggle to turn them down? RANGEL: He didn’t even batter an eye-lid when I said that story. We need a tougher challenge; this guy is a complete idiot.

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CHICO: He is, he hasn’t even noticed that you didn’t say Bayern Munich in your question. Ok lets up the ante, you must say, masturbation, erectile dysfunction, cucumber and a purple spotty Ladiessailing boat in your very next answer Restyle ........................................................................................................................... Cut & blow dry ...............................................................................................................

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Blow dry ........................................................................................................................ £13.00 RANGEL: I have never been to Munich but I know that it is the masturbation capital of the world. Men are scared Shampoo and Set .......................................................................................................... £13.00 of th dry cut ............................................................................................................ £14.00 women there; they like to sail in purple spotty sailing boatsWomen’s and are not real men. They use cucumbers to hide their Straightening only .......................................................................................................... £10.00 Curling with straighteners .............................................................................................. £15.00 obvious erectile dysfunctions. Hair up starts from ......................................................................................................... £25.00 Hair extensions (Balmain and Remy) ......................................... Subject to initial consultation Kebelo Smoothing System lasting 101 days (includes aftercare products) ................. £99.00

JACK SWAN: Do you expect and maybe welcome more Spanish Gents players arriving in Swansea next season? Dry cut ............................................................................................................................. Head shave .....................................................................................................................

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dry ........................................................................................................................ £10.00 CHICO: You’re good at this mind, that was a cracker. Right, newB low challenge. You got to answer this question with the lyrics o Colours Ricky Martin song.

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T Sectioncats ........................................................................................................................ £38.00 have a saying in Spain ‘he’s into superstition, black and voodoo dolls, Upside, inside out she's livin la 3 RANGEL: CastellWe Close | The Enterprise Park Foils vida loca’ This kind of means that if Spanish players are working then we should keep to it. Whole head ................................................................................................................... £58.00

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JACK SWAN: As he’s with you now, and maybe this will be a little awkward but what do you think of Angel? Wedding packages

Bridal trial & day make-up ............................................................................................. £75.00 RANGEL: I’m going to make you look so bad now, you are going to look like the biggest weirdo that this club has ever had Bridesmaid & Mother of the bride trial & day make-up ................................................. £75.00 Day only .........................................................................................................................

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Other CHICO: You’re a twat haha, don’t make it too bad, I’m just going to put a sarcastic look on my face so he thinks that your Make up packages (day or evening) ............................................................................ £25.00 Pamper packages (parties of 4 or more) ................................... subject to initial consultation joking.

LIFE GYM 3 Castell Close, The Enterprise Park, Swansea, SA7 9FH RANGEL: It is a little awkward, Angel is a gentleman, both a woman’s and a man’s man. He puts a smile on all our face www.lavitahairsalon.co.uk 01792 547777 when he enters a room. He makes his wife very happy and she is very lucky. He is also the longest in the showers, if y understand my drift

JACK SWAN: Where do you think we can go from here? How good can this Swans team be?

RANGEL: I think I made you look enough of a twat then, could have been worse though, was tempted to say that I am on th shortlist to be his room mate and that you can’t wait for Monk to retire. CHICO: OK fair is fair you got me good then. Watch your back you might get kicked here HAZARD walks past and says hello.

Unit H, Alltwen Ind. Est. Lon Hir, CHCIO: I’m going to break his legs today, both of them. Pontardawe, Swansea SA8 3DE

RANGEL: We are already the greatest side in this country. We just need to get a bigger country. Wales is too small. We a big fish and we need a bigger pond. I think we should move Swansea to Germany, which is a big country. Or India? like curry.

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CHICO: Jimmy Saville

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ANGEL RANGEL: umm….Michu

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Just to make it clear. This interview never happened.

CHICO: He is, he hasn’t even noticed that you didn’t say Bayern Munich in your question. Ok lets up the ante, you must say, masturbation, erectile dysfunction, cucumber and a purple spotty sailing boat in your very next answer RANGEL: I have never been to Munich but I know that it is the masturbation capital of the world. Men are scared of their women there; they like to sail in purple spotty sailing boats and are not real men. They use cucumbers to hide their obvious erectile dysfunctions. JACK SWAN: Do you expect and maybe welcome more Spanish players arriving in Swansea next season? RANGEL: That was too easy. Who is this guy? At least the Evening Post send out people with a slight bit of intelligence. Usually with that gyppo looking photographer. CHICO: You’re good at this mind, that was a cracker. Right, new challenge. You got to answer this question with the lyrics of a Ricky Martin song. RANGEL: We have a saying in Spain ‘he’s into superstition, black cats and voodoo dolls, Upside, inside out she's livin la vida loca’ This kind of means that if Spanish players are working then we should keep to it. CHICO AND RANGEL LAUGH UNCONTOLABLY JACK SWAN: As he’s with you now, and maybe this will be a little awkward but what do you think of Angel? RANGEL: I’m going to make you look so bad now, you are going to look like the biggest weirdo that this club has ever had CHICO: You’re a twat haha, don’t make it too bad, I’m just going to put a sarcastic look on my face so he thinks that your joking. RANGEL: It is a little awkward, Angel is a gentleman, both a woman’s and a man’s man. He puts a smile on all our faces when he enters a room. He makes his wife very happy and she is very lucky. He is also the longest in the showers, if you understand my drift JACK SWAN: Where do you think we can go from here? How good can this Swans team be? RANGEL: I think I made you look enough of a twat then, could have been worse though, was tempted to say that I am on the shortlist to be his room mate and that you can’t wait for Monk to retire. CHICO: OK fair is fair you got me good then. Watch your back you might get kicked here HAZARD walks past and says hello. CHCIO: I’m going to break his legs today, both of them. RANGEL: We are already the greatest side in this country. We just need to get a bigger country. Wales is too small. We are a big fish and we need a bigger pond. I think we should move Swansea to Germany, which is a big country. Or India? I like curry. JACK SWAN: Thank you so much for taking the time to speak to me today, one quick final question. Who would be your vote for Players player of the year? RANGEL: As much of an idiot as he is, I can’t see a way out of you not answering this one. CHICO: Jimmy Saville ANGEL RANGEL: umm….Michu Just to make it clear. This interview never happened.

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D� G��m�� v� K� - � sta�is�ic�� c��p��is�� With the Swans rumoured to have agreed a deal for Real Betis midfielder Jose Canas, it appears there will be increased competition in the Swansea midfield next year, and with De Guzman yet to sign permanently, I thought it would be interesting to have a look at some statistics to see what kind of effect Ki & JDG have had on the team. It would be easy to just go with the obvious and leave it there. Ki still tops the Premier League charts in terms of passing accuracy, while JDG is the Swans' second top scorer, so you'd be forgiven for thinking that Ki is obviously a more defensive player while JDG has excelled in attack, and while both are partially true I feel there's more going on than meets the eye. Of late, I've felt De Guzman's performances haven't been up to the standard he set earlier in the season, and some fans are questioning his work-rate - saying that he doesn't seem to harry the opposition as much as he should. While I can't say I feel that's true, I do think that De Guzman drifts around the field too much when playing alongside Leon (or whoever else) in a deeper midfield role, and that in turn creates problems in terms of defensive organisation. When you play football like the Swans do, being heavily reliant on team shape to maintain a solid defensive footing, it's imperative that the defensive midfielders hold their position; Leon seemed to be dragged around the field an awful lot against Southampton and given how out of character it appeared it must have been to do with those around him distorting the team shape. When Michu plays attacking midfield as opposed to centreforward I feel this exacerbates the problem, but I do feel that when Ki plays alongside Leon it gives the Swans a lot more balance. At present, I still prefer a midfield trio of Leon, Ki, and JDG in front of them, but if there was only one "defensive" midfield berth to play for, should it go to Ki or De Guzman? With all stats only relating to PL games, first up let's look at ball retention. Ki has completed 92.5% of his passes (1438/1554 - 6th in Europe in terms of passing accuracy) against De Guzman's 88.4% (1527/1727) and while JDG has played more passes in total he's also started nine more games than his Korean counterpart. Ki averages 55.5 passes completed a game to De Guzman's 54.4, so not much to choose from there, but it would seem that, given the smaller amount of starts enjoyed by the Korean, he's a little busier in terms of moving the ball around the field. De Guzman has clearly created more in attack, with six assists to Ki's two, and they average 1.6 and 1 "key pass(es)" [excuse the pun] respectively - in fairness to Ki though he's consistently been employed in a more

B� S�ot� Ma�k��

defensive role than he'd previously been used to and I feel his natural game would see him play further forward which would in turn see him create more opportunities (as well as finally getting his first goal). A demonstration of this was when well placed (again) against Southampton, Ki opted to pass instead of shoot - as anyone who's watched Youtube videos of him can testify, the guy likes to shoot and has scored lots of goals, and I think his reluctance to shoot is due to the distinct awareness that to comply with his role in the team, he's to retain possession in situations whereby otherwise he would have had a pop. Ki averages 5.9 successful long balls per game against JDG's 3.8, further drilling home the accuracy with which the Korean dispatches the ball. I love watching Ki play as everything seems to be done with an exaggerated movement in an effort to connect perfectly, and I think sometimes it's easy to mistake it for the Korean being ponderous - the stats show this isn't the case as he's only dispossessed 0.9 times per game (against De Guzman's 1.2) and attempts the same amount of dribbles as the C man on loan from Villareal (0.4). Interestingly, the Dutchman wins the ball back twice as often, with 0.9 M "turnovers" per game (as opposed to Ki's 0.4), but theyY attempt an almost identical amount of shots (Ki with 1.4, CM JDG with 1.5). MY

CMY

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Ki manages over twice as many clearances per game (1.3 to 0.6), while they both complete the same amount of interceptions (1.2) and almost the same amount of tackles (Ki with 1.2 & JDG with 1.3). I think this is starting to show that some fans view that JDG is (marginally) more combative is possibly far from the mark, as it seems in terms of defensive contribution Ki is just as effective. It obviously can't be ignored that with 5 goals and 6 assists, De Guzman has been massively more potent in attack when compared with Ki's 0 goals and 2 assists, but I do feel that if Ki had enjoyed a more attacking role throughout the season the figures would be a lot more even. As mentioned above, I get the distinct impression that Ki's natural game is more attacking than we're currently seeing, and I'm hoping the arrival of Canas remedies this, as I'd love to see him start banging them in from 30 yards. Should we sign De Guzman permanently? Reports had previously put the price at £8million, but recently it seems that's been revised and £5million would be nearer the mark. Originally I thought that still sounded a lot, given that we're likely to have paid his wages all year and, possibly, a fee to take him on loan in the first place, but after speaking with a friend I came to the conclusion that if there was a midfielder of JDG's quality at a Premier League club who were getting relegated, and he'd scored 5 goals and got 6 assists that season, I'd be saying we should sign him up, especially if the asking price is only £5million. For a central midfielder who can clearly cut it in the Premier League, and is likely to kick on again next season, that seems a bit of a bargain, and with plenty of games to go round next year both Ki and JDG could enjoy lots of playing time in the CAM role - whether that happens though is another thing. For now, I'd like to see Leon and Ki deep, with JDG ahead of them, but if we sign Canas (and he's as good as we hope) then at present I'd still like to see Ki given a run in the team in a creative attacking role. Sure, it'll take a while for him to get out of the "pass, pass, pass" train of thought but I think ultimately it'll be worth it. Check out the video above for a demonstration of what I mean. In a cop out similar to the one at the end of the Neil Taylor v Ben Davies comparison, I'm going to say that realistically they are both important members of the Swansea squad who we can expect to improve next year, and I'd love to see De Guzman sign permanently. For £5million, anyway...

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“I did want a year out but a job like this only comes around once in a career. Of course my name is in the hat, who wouldn’t want to manage a great club like Swansea. i got bored of Xavi giving the ball away, I want to manage Leon Britton” Pep Guardiola throws his name in the greatest hat of them all

In this Issue: Jokes by Spense Where are they Now? QUIZ Pre-Match Breaky And Much More Photo taken by Spenser Davies www.surfpicworld.com

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“I would leave my wife for Swansea City let alone Madrid. i have always dreamt of living in Penlan” Jose Mourino after being linked to the ultimate job in world football “I have always enjoyed beating the English and would love the chance to win the English Premier league with the greatest Welsh club ever” Jurgen Klinsman speaks out about his greatest fantasy

“As much of an honor as it is to be linked with Swansea City I must decline as my job with the Other Place Sunday league isn’t quite finished” Chris Stevens refuses to leave the greatest centre midefielder in football

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Carpenter

Dry Lining

Radford & Mercer Carpentry & Building Services EST 1985

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Cleaning 0845 678 9972

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Stuart Read 07905 825867 Electrician

UNIT 2 PHOENIX BUSINESS PARK SWANSEA SA7 9FZ Tel: 01792 701293

Ross Moulton Electrical

for all your domestic electrical installations

Email: info@dnagroupservices.co.uk

www.dnagroupservices.co.uk

Services Provided Extra Power Points Extra Lighting New Circuit Installations Extensions Kitchens Outhouses Electric Showers Re-Wires Fault Findings and much more!

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Plasterer Plasterer

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Windows Windows

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The Thesolution solutionisisclear clear

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