Issue37

Issue #37 FREE

“There are probably a lot better footballers than me who have worn the Swans shirt over the years, but I’d like to think that there have been few who have tried harder” Sir Alan Tate

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I may well be left looking very stupid, (as I often am) but I think that Mr Jenkins might actually enjoy this summer. Time will tell but I’m pretty chilled out about this transfer window; I have concerns that Jonjo may have attracted some attention but apart from that I think we should be expecting to welcome our current crop back come August and with the likelihood of a few new additional faces.

On the pitch, it has been an incredible season; off the pitch the club continues to grow in its appeal locally, nationally and internationally and all is wonderful at SA1. Especially if we ignore the Elephant in the room which is that shares are inevitably going to exchange hands at some point; maybe this will be our story of the summer and Huw won’t get his quiet time; there usually is something!

Going back to the ‘all is wonderful’; is it just me or is the city actually exciting as well? Jersey Marine is coming together, exciting rumours about the Kingsway and the Guild hall and this without getting into a tidal lagoon; has there ever been a better time to live in this wonderful part of the world?

This might all sound a bit depressing for a certain Alan Tate. Football is ruthless and seeing our longest servant leave the club shows this. It is the right decision; clearly. He isn’t in our first team thoughts and nor should he be and he wants to play football and so it is obviously the right time for him to leave this club but it is a true end of an era.

name was chanted and he’d put that extra bit in when tackling Chopra or Boothroyd because he knew that we wanted him to. We wanted to kick them but we couldn’t and so we wanted him to kick them for us; and so he did!

It seems to have been forgotten but for quite a few years, he was one of our very best players as well.

He stood out considerably in the lower leagues, he would pick up the ball from centre back, take on a few players and let rip with a shot; he’s not just an entertaining nutter who can’t drive a golf buggy.

At the start of the season, I sent a magazine to the printers while we stood at the top of the table and I wrote on this very page that I needed to up my game. Swansea City Football Club was challenging for European places while this magazine was still bordering on mid-table at best.

I like to think that we at Jack Swan have upped the anti and have caught up. It’s been a brilliant season for this magazine and although we will continue to put the magazine out monthly over the summer I would like to thank everyone for all the help we have had over the course of the season.

I hope you enjoy this issue. As always, I would love to hear from you!

Cheers

Is he a legend? The word gets overused but I would say that he is yes.

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Football doesn’t make players like him anymore. He loved the game, loved the club and he genuinely wanted to make us fans happy. You felt like that was what drove him on, that buzz that he got when his

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Who should stay and who should go?

It is that time of the year once more, the dreaded and yet exciting summer transfer window. I expect that it will be more of an exciting window than a scary one this time around; but you never know.

Our squad continues to improve. I want 2 players for every position and this is what I think of our current crop and where I think we do and don’t need to improve.

Fabianski: IN Was it just me or was he lucky to get man of match against Arsenal? He did fine but everything hit him, if he had of conceded then it would have been because of an error on his behalf!!

Anyway, he’s been an absolute star. He’s in my top three for race to player of the year so I won’t go into it too much here but absolutely delighted with him as our number one!

cover as number two! He’s on his way and I really wish him the best!

Angel Rangel: OUT I’m not in a bad mood I promise you and I say this without any enjoyment but he has lost too much pace now. He isn’t able to play Premier League football anymore. Not as first choice or second choice. His legs aren’t up to speed, he’s not playing every week which makes it more difficult to adjust when he is called upon; he just isn’t there!

We need new cover at full back and we need to work out what our favourite Spaniards role is going to be at the club. I hope he sees his playing career as all but over and is looking onto the next chapter of his life and he sees that here, whether as coaching or scouting or something in some capacity; playing in the youth set-up maybe and waiting for an SOS call from first team but if he does want to prolong his career and play regularly then

Tremmel: OUT Lets be realistic. Fabianski gets injured for the year in the first match of the season. Are you happy with our German number two filling in?

Exactly. So what’s the point of having a number two that you don’t want to use? It is time he left, it looks almost certain that this is going to be the case anyway according to reports.

I like him, he’s had his moments and he’s a really nice bloke but I’m not happy to have him filling in in the Premier League should he be required. Third choice? Yeah, I will go with that but we need better

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Kyle Naughton: IN

We keep buying teams reserve players and finding out that they are better than the players that were keeping them out of the team. Fabianski should have been starting for Arsenal for the last decade and Naughton is a better full back than Kyle Walker.

He’s not as energetic going forward as the England international but he almost sneaks forward unnoticed and is a far better defender. His positioning is as good as I’ve seen from a full back in a long time; I haven’t seen him play anyone onside yet (correct me if I’m wrong). His delivery is good. I’m very happy with the start he’s made in a Swans shirt.

Ashley Williams: IN

He could slot into any defence in the world and I’m certain that at one point he will. We managed to keep hold of Bony for a transfer window more than looked likely, I hope to get through two more windows with our Argentinean international but I’d be amazed if he starts our 16/17 campaign. The boy is a different class.

Jordi Amat: IN I was really pleased and probably slightly surprised to see him sign his contract extension earlier in the year. He is a brilliant centre half and as good a cover as we can realistically expect. I can’t see him knocking Ash or Federico out anytime soon though which made the commitment slightly bizarre to me.

He is calm on the ball, his positioning is generally very good and he is an intelligent footballer. He’s

Also made my top three to player of the year and so I also won’t get into it too much here but we are really lucky with this guy. I don’t think we fully appreciate how good and important he is! Fantastic player!

Federico Fernandez: IN Now he should have been man of the match

Fencing against Arsenal! He’s not got anywhere near the plaudits that he has deserved. If I was a betting Decking man then I would lump on him being our player of the year next season because he is our most Panels & Trellis talented player.

His ability to read the game is incredible, his anticipation is comparable to Leon Security Fencing Brittons, which is the greatest compliment you can give any player!

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I’m sorry but it’s not in a Swans shirt!

Kyle Naughton: IN We keep buying teams reserve players and finding out that they are better than the players that were keeping them out of the team. Fabianski should have been starting for Arsenal for the last decade and Naughton is a better full back than Kyle Walker.

He’s not as energetic going forward as the England international but he almost sneaks forward unnoticed and is a far better defender. His positioning is as good as I’ve seen from a full back in a long time; I haven’t seen him play anyone onside yet (correct me if I’m wrong). His delivery is good. I’m very happy with the start he’s made in a Swans shirt.

Ashley Williams: IN

He could slot into any defence in the world and I’m certain that at one point he will. We managed to keep hold of Bony for a transfer window more than looked likely, I hope to get through two more windows with our Argentinean international but I’d be amazed if he starts our 16/17 campaign. The boy is a different class.

Jordi Amat: IN I was really pleased and probably slightly surprised to see him sign his contract extension earlier in the year. He is a brilliant centre half and as good a cover as we can realistically expect. I can’t see him knocking Ash or Federico out anytime soon though which made the commitment slightly bizarre to me.

He is calm on the ball, his positioning is generally very good and he is an intelligent footballer. He’s

Also made my top three to player of the year and so I also won’t get into it too much here but we are really lucky with this guy. I don’t think we fully appreciate how good and important he is! Fantastic player!

Federico Fernandez: IN Now he should have been man of the match against Arsenal! He’s not got anywhere near the plaudits that he has deserved. If I was a betting man then I would lump on him being our player of the year next season because he is our most talented player. His ability to read the game is incredible, his anticipation is comparable to Leon Brittons, which is the greatest compliment you can give any player!

IN

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not a full back and looks woeful in that position; he’s not a central midfielder either. I am concerned about his lack of games, he isn’t a kid anymore and I struggle to see where he is going to get time on the pitch. Brilliant cover for us, no brainer that we want to keep him; what is best for his career may not be what is best for us though!

I like him; I think he does his business well. He’s pretty solid and can potentially grow into a better player and possible a Premier League player.

Fulham like him enough to extend his time with them and by all accounts he did well there but he’s not going to be first choice with us next season and I think its time that he demanded that role.

Kyle Bartley: IN

Neil Taylor: IN

I’m a big fan of Bartley, he is aggressive, he wants to impose himself onto his striker and I doubt he is a someone that players look forward to playing against. He isn’t as blessed with the ball at his feet as Amat but the added height is an advantage and he is on the front foot more, wanting to break up play and get a tackle in as early as possible.

He’s becoming annoying to be frank. Opposition managers have realised for sometime that we have major problems down both flanks but especially at left back. He is being targeted which clearly makes his job more difficult but he isn’t at the level of the rest of the side which is really frustrating. I have no issue with the boy but for the fact that he isn’t as good at football as the rest of the team, if we were playing a different game then I may have issues with Siggy but sadly for his sake, we are playing football: Well Siggy is!

He’s an incredible forth choice centre back. I think Amat and Bartley would survive in the Premier League as a pairing; there will be worse first choice partnerships in the league next year. A no brainer for us to want to keep him, as with Amat, I wouldn’t begrudge him wanting to further his career elsewhere though.

Dweight Tiendalli: OUT PLEASE!!!!!!!!

Lets face it. We have another twelve months of paying his wages. Nobody is going to take him off our hands. What else can I say?

Jazz: OUT There comes a time where you have to flee the nest and it seems to be that time for Mr Richards. I wonder what would have happened or what would happen if he was thrown in the deep end much like Ben Davies was a couple of seasons back.

10 Pl���� R����� not a full back and looks woeful in that position; he’s not a central midfielder either. I am concerned about his lack of games, he isn’t a kid anymore and I struggle to see where he is going to get time on the pitch. Brilliant cover for us, no brainer that we want to keep him; what is best for his career may not be what is best for us though!

I like him; I think he does his business well. He’s pretty solid and can potentially grow into a better player and possible a Premier League player.

Fulham like him enough to extend his time with them and by all accounts he did well there but he’s not going to be first choice with us next season and I think its time that he demanded that role.

Kyle Bartley: IN

Neil Taylor: IN

I’m a big fan of Bartley, he is aggressive, he wants to impose himself onto his striker and I doubt he is a someone that players look forward to playing against. He isn’t as blessed with the ball at his feet as Amat but the added height is an advantage and he is on the front foot more, wanting to break up play and get a tackle in as early as possible.

He’s becoming annoying to be frank. Opposition managers have realised for sometime that we have major problems down both flanks but especially at left back. He is being targeted which clearly makes his job more difficult but he isn’t at the level of the rest of the side which is really frustrating. I have no issue with the boy but for the fact that he isn’t as good at football as the rest of the team, if we were playing a different game then I may have issues with Siggy but sadly for his sake, we are playing football: Well Siggy is!

He’s an incredible forth choice centre back. I think Amat and Bartley would survive in the Premier League as a pairing; there will be worse first choice partnerships in the league next year. A no brainer for us to want to keep him, as with Amat, I wouldn’t begrudge him wanting to further his career elsewhere though.

Dweight Tiendalli: OUT PLEASE!!!!!!!!

Lets face it. We have another twelve months of paying his wages. Nobody is going to take him off our hands. What else can I say?

Jazz: OUT

IN

There comes a time where you have to flee the nest and it seems to be that time for Mr Richards. I wonder what would have happened or what would happen if he was thrown in the deep end much like Ben Davies was a couple of seasons back.

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That was my damming report in January so please don’t pay any attention to anything I’ve written here as I clearly know Jack sh*t!

Pardew wanted to spend £5 million on him back then and I’d have carried him there myself for half that fee but once again Monk and the board have shown that they know their stuff. He’s been brilliant since then and really enjoys the ‘diamond that isn’t’ formation which leaves him free and exposed. I’ve said in the past that I thought Laudrup managed Taylors injury really badly and it seems that its taken him until now to fully recover from it but that’s because he played no real football until this season; if he had been on loan last season then he’d have been up and running much quicker!

That is right; its Laudrups fault that I look an idiot!!!!!

I do still have some concerns. I would be looking to improve our options here. Montero would be even more dangerous with an aggressive full back overlapping him. But for now, I was very wrong in January; I apologise!!

Leon: IN

whilst up against £100 million worth of opposition.

I haven’t in any way given up on him returning to his very best, I keep the faith but it certainly was a disappointing campaign for Team Britton. We still and always will love you though!!!!!

Cork: IN I was really pleased for him to get his goal up at St James’ Park as it showed a different side of him and one which there is room for development on but if he can add that to his game then we are talking a top class player.

He does the basics really nicely (Not as nicely as Mr Britton but nobody does) and he does have that bit of bite about him. He seems very cool headed, very calm but he also has that ability to go through a player which any good central midfielder has.

IN

Undoubtedly his most disappointing season; riddled with injury and with the emergence of Jack Cork it seems like his days as first choice could be numbered and I don’t say that lightly in anyway.

I can’t really say anything which I haven’t already said about the man. He is the greatest player that I have seen in a Swans shirt and I genuinely believe that he is the greatest Englishman never to play for his country in recent times. He has dominated midfields alongside average players

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Gong back to what I said originally about him, being a deep lying midfielder allows a lot of space to run into. There are very few players who play there that are able to exploit this and make the one or two runs a game at the right time that go unnoticed. His goal against Newcastle was exactly this and something which excites.

I do think that he may be the one player of the summer that we fight to hold onto.

Ki: He’s my third man in the top three players of the year and so wont get into it much here. Fantastic season though; tired towards the end.

Jonjo

Caroll: OUT

Garry Monk has rightfully had a lot of credit over the last eighteen months and has done some brilliant things in his time as manager. His greatest contribution could well turn out to be his ability to get the very best out of our England international.

Lovely little player. Neat and tidy and he could have a great future ahead of him but it’s not the right time for us to buy him. Leon is still here and we have a mass of youngsters keen for their chance to sit in that midfield. He didn’t do enough to warrant a purchase for me.

It was only a few months ago that I had pretty much lost patience with him and I wasn’t the only one. Monk publically criticised him, which is never a recommended course of action against any of your players but the response has been magnificent.

He’s been our best player in 2015 and looks a complete player. We have used the word ‘complete’ to describe him in the past but it was premature; he wasn’t. He now looks like an enforcer, looks like a player who can dominate a midfield with his strength while also being the creator; the man who can get that key pass or shot to change a game.

In January, I wouldn’t have been bothered if we had let him go to a West Ham for £5 million. Now, he’s the one player that I can see being poached by an Arsenal for £20 million plus…….. And I wouldn’t sell!! I’m a fickle bloke aren’t I!

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Gong back to what I said originally about him, being a deep lying midfielder allows a lot of space to run into. There are very few players who play there that are able to exploit this and make the one or two runs a game at the right time that go unnoticed. His goal against Newcastle was exactly this and something which excites.

I do think that he may be the one player of the summer that we fight to hold onto.

Ki: He’s my third man in the top three players of the year and so wont get into it much here. Fantastic season though; tired towards the end.

Jonjo

Caroll: OUT

Garry Monk has rightfully had a lot of credit over the last eighteen months and has done some brilliant things in his time as manager. His greatest contribution could well turn out to be his ability to get the very best out of our England international.

Lovely little player. Neat and tidy and he could have a great future ahead of him but it’s not the right time for us to buy him. Leon is still here and we have a mass of youngsters keen for their chance to sit in that midfield. He didn’t do enough to warrant a purchase for me.

It was only a few months ago that I had pretty much lost patience with him and I wasn’t the only one. Monk publically criticised him, which is never a recommended course of action against any of your players but the response has been magnificent.

IN

He’s been our best player in 2015 and looks a complete player. We have used the word ‘complete’ to describe him in the past but it was premature; he wasn’t. He now looks like an enforcer, looks like a player who can dominate a midfield with his strength while also being the creator; the man who can get that key pass or shot to change a game.

In January, I wouldn’t have been bothered if we had let him go to a West Ham for £5 million. Now, he’s the one player that I can see being poached by an Arsenal for £20 million plus…….. And I wouldn’t sell!! I’m a fickle bloke aren’t I!

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16 Pl���� ra��ng� Grimes/Fulton/Sheehan: IN I really like our young midfielders coming though and I really like our options. I hope we get a couple of decent cup runs as these three players seem like they are knocking the door and it would be great to see them getting the chance. Next season should be the time for at least one of them to break through!

Dyer: OUT Get on form at the right time; I have learned this in the past. Don’t have a great start of the season because nobody remembers that; finish the season well and rewards come your way!

Strangely our flying winger has kind of done both.

He started the season on fire, back to his very best and has finished the season with a bit of confidence and looked dangerous and energetic again. Sadly in between was atrocious and I cannot forget that. A really frustrating season which could turn out to be his last; I’ve been wrong in calling time on him in the past; I hope I am again this time.

through the middle seems pointless to me. Expect him to stay, want him to stay, great player but I’m still waiting for that magic season; the one that catapults him into the England squad, the one where he scores twelve goals and has as many assists. I think he’s that good! I still think he is underachieving; he has all the attributes required. He is fine as he is, he would still make my starting eleven but I want more! Kick him up the ass someone, put your arm around him, talk to him; cut these words out and pin it on his locker; do whatever it takes but he has the ability to be right up there with the best in the league!!!!

Barrow: IN This boy can run; you can give him that. An exciting signing, the type that makes you want to watch football. How good he is? I still don’t know but he’s entertaining to watch and he makes things happen

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Routledge: IN I’m a big Routledge fan but for me he had a relatively poor season. I have heard many fans say the complete opposite and I don’t think he’s been awful in anyway, he’s been okay but I think he’s better than okay.

OUT

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CMY

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He’s not a striker. Let’s get that out of the way. He doesn’t score enough or look to score enough. He also has an unbelievable delivery, especially with the outside of his right foot and so playing him

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18 Pl���� ra��ng� and he is a great option on the bench. Whether he can ever make the progression to being a first choice player may depend on whether he is able to add that defensive work rate to his game that Dyer and Routledge possess. A decent first season; push on boy!!!

Montero: IN Another player that we are going to struggle to keep onto for too much longer. Won’t be too surprised if someone has an enquiry over the summer but I think the real struggle will be January and next summer. He’s a joy to watch, he has beaten every full back that he has been up against and often time and time again. His crossing improved massively over the course of the season and somebody somewhere deserves some credit for that; I don’t know who but well done to whoever has been working on that with him behind the scenes because he was one of these players who could take the defender on with ease but couldn’t do anything afterwards; he’s now very dangerous!

Siggy: IN Football is a funny game. Pundits and ex-professionals are raving about our Icelandic international and most would say that he is our best player. He isn’t.

He is fantastic, a really wonderful player and he may well be our best player next season but this year those who watch every game realise that he’s not the very best. It’s definitely true that you need to watch every game to really appreciate each player and just watching match of the day doesn’t really allow you to appreciate Ki or Ashley Williams in the same way that you would our attacking Midfielder.

I’m not knocking him in any way, he’s been great, scored some great goals and made some brilliant assists and his work rate is second to none; fantastic

season.

Emnes: OUT I would like to think that we can progress from Marvin Emnes in truth. He’s alright and he’s pretty adaptable which helps with the squad players but he doesn’t excite me and I think we can probably find a better player to add some spark to us from the bench when things aren’t going our way. Our bench has looked pretty dull for most of the season in reality.

Gomis: IN Are we convinced yet? I think we are getting there in fairness. A mate of mine said to me that he was more excited about us signing Gomis than he was about us signing Bony ‘because of his age’. I found this a weird thing to say but then he explained that Bony was always going to leave if things went well, he was always going to attract a top club. Gomis probably wont, he could net 17 or 18 goals next season but nobody will pay £28 million for him because of his age and so we can potentially build a side around him for a few years. Interesting thought I felt. I’m looking forward to seeing him next year anyway.

Nelson: OUT We haven’t seen enough of him to spend any money on him. It was a real shame that he picked up his injury when he did because he put in a great performance before that and he could have had a few games to impress. I wont be disappointed to see him return on a free but I wont be getting too excited either.

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20 Pl���� Ra��ng� Overall Playing 4-5-1, I want two players for every position plus extra cover in goal and up top. This is how I see our current squad.

Goal Keeper Fabianski: Signings required, Left Back: Neil Taylor: Signing Required Right Back: Kyle Naughton: Signing Required Centre Back: Ashley Williams, Federico Fernandez, Kyle Bartley, Jordi Amat Centre Midfield: Ki Seng Yung, Jonjo Shelvey, Jack Cork, Leon Britton, Matt Grimes, Jay Fulton, Creative Midfielder: Gylfi Sigurdsson, signing required, (Josh Sheehan) Wingers: Routledge, Monterro, Barrow, Signing Required Striker: Gomis, Signing Required, Signing Required Wish List Reserve Goal Keeper (potentially two; depending on youngsters coming through) Left Back: A top quality one to fight it out for first choice Right Back: Cover for Naughton

Creative Midfielder: An impact player from the bench Winger: Someone challenging Rutledge for first choice.

2 Strikers: We need one proven striker and one other. Rory may be able to finally be the ‘other’ but we do need three strikers that we are happy to turn on in the Premier League if required.

I’d be happy if we can fill these positions. I don’t want to see a central midfielder come in, you could argue that we want one more established player there but it will stunt the development of the youngsters coming through and I think that would be a real shame. Kingsley may be able to challenge Taylor for left back and Liam Shephard may be able to be reserve right back and I’ d love this to be the case but unless we are happy for them to start a game in the Premier league then we need new signings here.

We need to have more exciting options going forward on the bench. A winger, attacking midfielder and two strikers should be on our bench for every game and with the exception of Barrow, we have nobody that isn’t in our first eleven who is good enough to do that at present and I’m not totally convinced on him yet.

Our first eleven is very good. We need to invest in our second string and broaden our options. We have seen that our manager is able to deploy different formations and we need to give him as many quality tools as we possibly can.

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I doubt this is in any way true but it made me laugh anyway; pinched from internet Next time you're in Asda, - keep up with the Jones's Dear Mrs Jones, Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Jones, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the toy 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and department, he asked the clerk where the antidepresrandomly put them in other people's carts when they sants were. weren't looking.

11. October 3: Darted around the Whole Store 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Homewares to go suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission off at 5- minute intervals.

Impossible' theme.

Misted Glass Replacement

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's toilets.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Homewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Customer Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of crisps.

12. October 6: In the autoparts department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN! 15. October 23: Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

16. October 24: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping departThere's no toilet paper in here.' One of the Staff ment and told the children shoppers they could passed out

22

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I doubt this is in any way true but it made me laugh anyway; pinched from internet Next time you're in Asda, - keep up with the Jones's Dear Mrs Jones,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Jones, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the toy 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and department, he asked the clerk where the antidepresrandomly put them in other people's carts when they sants were. weren't looking.

11. October 3: Darted around the Whole Store 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Homewares to go suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission off at 5- minute intervals.

Impossible' theme.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's toilets.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Homewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Customer Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of crisps.

12. October 6: In the autoparts department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN! 15. October 23: Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

16. October 24: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping departThere's no toilet paper in here.' One of the Staff ment and told the children shoppers they could passed out

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24

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Picked up a "lady of the night" ...only charged a fiver ! How do you make ends meet only charging a fiver I asked. It's OK love ,she replied ,I have my old age pension to fall back on !

A father spoke to his son and said," it's time we had a little talk, my son. Soon you will have certain urges & feelings you've never had before. Your heart will pound & your hands will sweat. You'll be pre-occupied & won't be able to think of anything else". He added, "But it is perfectly normal ...it's called Jack-swan."

Popped into the local chemist. I said "I notice you've got no suntan lotion". She said "I know, don't rub it in..."

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'

'No, love,' he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15"

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26

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A new feature for Jack Swan, asking ex Swans players who the best eleven they have played with while at the club. To start us off I met up with Andrew Mumford.

FREESTONE Rog, best keeper I have ever played with. If he was playing now then I think he would be in one of the top 5 sides. Never seen him drop a cross, can’t even remember a fumble off him really. The only thing which he would agree with was his distribution but when you are playing in League two and league one then distribution was kicking the ball as far as you can and so I don’t think Swansea will ever see a keeper at the same calibre as Freestone.

Do you think that he’d have gone through the leagues with the club if he was around now? If he was 15 years younger?

Definitely. I don’t think anybody would have moved him. For a keeper, the only reason that they get dropped is because they made a mistake and I can’t remember him making a mistake through all the years that I was down there.

And he was a better penalty taker than you as well wasn’t he?

Well, that’s a matter of opinion to be honest with you.

What was he like with the youngsters? Because you were at the club from what age?

I was 19, I think. He was a proper keeper; they are all weirdoes aren’t they but he was great. He just treated you like one of the other pros, there were no airs and graces, no grace period because you were young, and it was just welcome to Swansea. I won’t tell you what happened on my first day but you can imagine few stories.

STEVE JONES: Again, I thin Steve would run through a brick wall to be honest with you. Again, maybe his distribution and crossing could have been his downfall but as an out and out defender then I don’t think that you could get a better player. Especially in the side that got promoted as Champions with Boundy and Smithy; just an out and out pro. I can’t remember many games where the defender got the better of him.

You don’t see defenders like him anymore do you? Not playing full back No, he was an out and out defender. In the Premiership, they want you to play but again, League one or two; I can’t remember him having a bad game.

Can you ever recall him bombing forward when you had the ball in centre mid?

It was difficult in that league because we played 4-4-2 and so you had your wide men anyway. In terms of overlaps then I suppose maybe playing away from home but down the Vetch not so much.

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ALAN TATE and I couldn’t get What can I say? He first came down on loan and I over how much he think he would admit himself that he struggled a bit talked during the but again, he hadn’t played first team football before game, organising because he came from Man Utd but technically and and keeping on ball playing,; he played the game how I wanted to Exactly, when I slot 11 MAZDA 2that 1.6was DIESEL SPORT, 5DR,SILVER,ALLOYS,PAS,R/C/L,FSH,29K ££7,995 7,995 57 FORDplay; GALAXY 1.8I sawTDCi(125) ZETEC,GREY,PAS,ALLOYS,A/C,C/L,S/H,79K how myself playing.

A phenome- into the back four, nal player.

When I left the Swans and saw him he’s helping me out, 06 AUDI A3FABIA 2.0TDi DSG LINE, 3DR,BLACK,18” ALLOYS,H/LTHR,FSH,88K £7,495 10 VW SKODA 1.4 TDiS80 BEIGE,PAS,ALLOYS,C/L,FSH,1 09 POLO 1.4 5that DR,SILVER,PAS,ALLOYS,C/L,E/W,56K,FSH 5,995 playing left TDi back, IMATCH, didn’t think2, was possible but telling me to tuck in OWNER,30K £ 5,995 08 VW PASSAT 2.0TDi SE,SILVER,ALLOYS,PAS,R/C/L,A/C,FSH,133K,MOT £4,995 again, if you are such a good reader of the game or open up.

60 BMW PEUGEOT 207 1.4 MILLESIM, 3DR.MET.RED,ALLOYS,A/C,FSH,29K ONLY £ 5,295 54 318Ci SPORT CONVERTIBLE,AUTO,BLACK,ALLOYS,FSH,74K ONLY£ 5,495 then you can play anywhere and that’s how he was. Basically he was a 54 MITSUBISHI L200 D/CAB PICK UP,BLACK,PAS,ALLOYS,LTHR,117K,FSH £4,995 on the 08 PASSAT 4,995 05 VW LANDROVER FREELANDER TD4 SE,SILVER,ALLOYS,H/LTHR,101K,FSH £££4,695 4,795 06 MAZDA 5 2.02.0TDi TD TS,SE,SILVER,ALLOYS,PAS,R/C/L,A/C,FSH,133K,MOT GREY, PAS,R/C/L,E/W, 7manger SEATS,84K,FSH ,46 MPG People forget how good he was, especially back pitch.

54 MERCEDES BENZ C220 CDi,TD4 BLUE,ALLOYS,PAS,A/C,H/LTHR,FSH,106K 05 GOLF TDi SE, GREY,PAS,ALLOYS,R/C/L,E/W,72K, FSH,MOT 4,995 54 VW LANDROVER FREELANDER SE AUTO, RED,PAS,LTHR,FSH, 96KMAY £££4,495 4,495 then 1.9 People MEGANE do, you have new generations coming And he was like 06 RENAULT 1.6 CABRIOLET,SILVER,PAS,ALLOYS,C/L,E/W,49K £3,995 06 5 2.0 TD1.6 TS, GREY, PAS,R/C/L,E/W, 7that SEATS,84K,FSH ,46DEC MPG 4,695 57 MAZDA PEUGEOT 207 HDi, 5 DR,MET.BLUE,PAS,R/C/L,A/C,67K,MOT 15 £ £3,795 through, a new signing.

There will be new signings as a player as 01 Y LANDROVER DISCOVERY TD5 XS,BLUE,ALLOYS,PAS,7 SEATS,122K £3,995 coming in the summer and we will forget how good well?

07 RENAULT FORDBony FIESTA 1.6 TDCi ZETEC, 5 DR,BLUE,ALLOYS,PAS,R/C/L,FSH, 74K ££3,695 3,695 08 CLIO 1.2be EXPRESSION,3 DR,BLACK,PAS,ALLOYS,C/L,72K was; he will old news but that is football.

Yeah, if you wanted Nobody will ever forget the heart and passion which to know anything 07 2.0TDi ,BLUE,PAS,ALLOYS,E/W,A/C, 117K INS,£20 MOT FEB14 56 SKODA TOYOTASUPERB AYGO 1.0 BLACK, 5 DR, PAS,ALLOYS,E/W, LOW TAX £ £3,495 3,295 he had for Swansea and the risk he took by coming then he was the 08 RENAULT CLIO 1.2 EXPRESSION,3 DR,BLACK,PAS,ALLOYS,C/L,72K £ 3,695 56 FORD KA 1.3i COLLECTION, BLACK,PAS,C/L,E/W,CD,39K,FSH,NEW MOT £2,495 here. When came, were struggling, I think it player to go to. Obviously he wasn’t known his 06 VW POLO 1.4heSE, 5 we DOOR,SILVER,PAS,ALLOYS,R/C/L,E/W,A/C,FSH,103K £ for 3,295 54 FORD FOCUS ST170, 3 DOOR,BLUE,ALLOYS,PAS,R/C/L,E/W,FSH, 113K £2,495 wasSUPERB the year with2.0TDi Flynn; we,BLUE,PAS,ALLOYS,E/W,A/C, went on a bad run. I will ball playing but at theMOT end of the day, if you 07 SKODA 117K FEB14 £ are 3,295 54 CITROEN MITSUBISHI SHOGUN PININ 1.8 EQUIPPE, 2,495 always remember against Southend and BLUE,PAS,ALLOYS,FSH,68K fighting in LeagueNEW one orMOT league two then££1,995 ball 54 C3 1.4 LX,his5debut DR,GREY, PAS,R/C/L,E/W, FSH,92K, 56 FORD he KA 1.3i COLLECTION, BLACK,PAS,C/L,E/W,CD,39K,FSH,NEW MOT £ 2,495 went to get the ball off Rog from the edge of the playing isn’t needed in your own half.

54 RENAULT VW POLO 1.2E 55, DOOR,SILVER,PAS,C/L, FSH,LOW INS, MOT£20 DECTAX 15 ££1,995 2,495 03 CLIO 1.53him DCi DYNAMIQUE,3DR,BLACK,ALLOYS,101K, box and Rog asked the f*ck are you 54 FORD FOCUS ST170, 3‘what DOOR,BLUE,ALLOYS,PAS,R/C/L,E/W,FSH, 113K ££1,795 2,495 03 RENAULT CLIO 1.2 DYNAMIQUE,3DR,BLACK,ALLOYS,PAS,C/L,107K,FSH doing?

You are not at Man Utd anymore, get up to And he’s another player who can take a better 53 VAUXHALL ZAFIRA 2.0 DTi ELEGANCE,BLUE,ALLOYS,PAS, FSH,107K £ 2,495 the half way line!!”. tickles me to this day on. penalty79K,NEW than you! MOT £20 TAX £ CLIO 1.5 DCi DYNAMIQUE,3DR,BLACK,ALLOYS,101K, 1,995 03 RENAULT SEAT AROSA 1.0 S, That BLACK,ALLOYS,PAS,R/C/L,E/W, £1,795 Again, that’s debatable 03 VW POLO 1.9 TDi SPORT, 5 DR,MET.BLUE,ALLOYS,PAS,C/L,FSH,107K £ 2,495 02 VAUXHALL CORSA 1.2 ELEGANCE,5 ELEGANCE,5 DR,RED,ALLOYS,PAS,C/L,97K,MOT DR,RED,ALLOYS,PAS,C/L,97K,MOT £1,695 02 VAUXHALL CORSA £ 1,495 MATTHEW BOUND: 1.2 57 VW VAUXHALL COMBO CDTi NOVJAN 15 £ £1,695 2,195 Again a proper centre1.3 half, a solidVAN,WHITE,PAS,R/C/L,124K,MOT player but he MICHAEL HOWARD 04 CADDY SDi VAN, WHITE, PAS,C/L,E/W, 110K, MOT FEB 14,TAX 52 RENAULT CLIO 1.6i he DYNAMIQUE,3DR,BLACK,PAS,134K,RECON ENGINE £ him 1,395 couldDISPATCH play as well. If 1.9D had to play then he could 6 ADOORS,130K,MOT really close friend of mine,FEB I play14 golf with 03 CITROEN VAN,WHITE,PAS, £1,695 05 PEUGEOT 206 1.1i ZEST, 5 DR,MET.BLUE,PAS,ALLOYS,75K, MOT FEB 16 £ 1,695 he liked TDi to keep things simple. I didn’t realise now 54 FORD but FOCUS ESTATE,WHITE,PAS,ALLOYS,E/W,C/L,167K,MOT FEB £ 1,295 52 RENAULT DYNAMIQUE,3DR,BLACK,PAS,134K,RECON ENGINE £1,395 how bigCLIO a boy he1.6i was until I play with him now in 54 VAUXHALL FONTERA 2.2i LIMITED, 5 DR, PAS,ALLOYS,E/W,75K, MOT 02 PEUGEOT 206legends 1.6 ALLOYS,PAS,CL,136K,NEW MOT ££1,295 £1,695 1,195 Swans games;DR,BLUE,17” you don’t realise how big Is that why you put him in? FEB 54 FORD the FOCUS TDi XSi,3 ESTATE,WHITE,PAS,ALLOYS,E/W,C/L,167K,MOT a unit he is. In the air, EXTRA he’s commanding.

Helpful, No, not at59K,FSH,MOT all, I’m going to stick up for him here.

He 54 DAEWOO MATIZ 1.0 COOL, RED,PAS, E/W, SEPT 15 £ 1,295 02 PEUGEOT 206 DR,BLUE,17” MOT£30 £1,195 51 RENAULT CLIO1.6 1.5XSi,3 DCi, 5 DR,GREEN, ALLOYS,PAS,CL,136K,NEW PAS,C/L,E/W,131K,MOT/TAX £ 1,195 brilliant at reading the game. If he was playing now was a brilliant left back, again, like Steve Jones; I 51 5 8v DR,GREEN, 53 RENAULT VAUXHALL MERIVA LIFE,GREEN,PAS,C/L,E/W,97K,FSH,NEW ££1,195 1,495 then CLIO again, I 1.5 think DCi, he 1.6i could slip in to the sidePAS,C/L,E/W,131K,MOT/TAX never saw one player go past£30 himMOT and go past him alongside Ashley Williams no problem. and if they ever did then his recovery was outstandBARGAIN BASEMEyou NT: ing. His crossing wasn’t perfect but again BARGAIN I actually played against you in one of those BASEwhen MENT: are playing on the Vetch with bobbles everywhere 06 FORD KA 1.3i PURPLE,PAS, RADIO/CD, MOT SEPT 2014,108K £ 995 BARGAIN BASEMENT: 04 MG ZScharity 1.6 4 STYLE, DOOR,MET.GREEN,ALLOYS,PAS,C/L,CD,S/H,71K,NEW MOT £995 matches and I played against Boundy too then what do you expect. I played with him again

MEGANE DR,BLUE,ALLOYS,PAS,C/L,87K,MOT 51 RENAULT MEGANE 1.6i CLASSIC, CLASSIC, DR,BLUE,ALLOYS,PAS,C/L,87K,MOT 01 RENAULT Y VW GOLF 1.9 SDi 1.6i ESTATE, BLUE,44PAS,C/L, S/HISTORY, 172K,MOT FEB 01 Y FORD FOCUS 1.8 ZETEC, MET.RED, PAS,ALLOYS,R/C/L,115K,MOT/TAX 01 FORD FOCUS 1.8 ZETEC, MET.RED, PAS,ALLOYS,R/C/L,115K,MOT/TAX 06 YFORD KA 1.3 STYLE, PURPLE, PAS, LOW INS, 108K, NEW MOT ISSUED 00 W JAGUAR S TYPE 3.0 V6 AUTO,SILVER,PAS,ALLOYS,97K,MOT OCT 2014 99 T FORD FOCUS 1.8 ZETEC, 5 DR,BLACK,ALLOYS,PAS,C/L,109K,NEW MOT 54 DAEWOO TACUMA 1.6 SX, 5DR, MET.BLUE,PAS,R/C/L,E/W, 79K,NEW MOT 98 S SAAB 93 CONVERTIBLE AUTO,BLUE,ALLOYS,PAS,LTHR,115K.MOT JULY 03 45 1.4TS, IMPRESSION, 5DR,BLUE,ALLOYS,PAS,C/L,88K,MOT JAN 14 04ROVER 2 C70 1.4 PAS, C/L, E/W, MOT OCTOBER 15, S/H, 181K 99 VMAZDA VOLVO 2.5SILVER, GS T, BLACK,PAS,ALLOYS,C/L,E/W,124K,MOT FEB 14 99 VROVER VOLVO45C70 GS T, BLACK,PAS,ALLOYS,C/L,E/W,124K,MOT 03 1.42.5 IMPRESSION, 5 DR,BLUE,ALLOYS,PAS,C/L,88K,MOTFEB JAN1414 95 N VOLVO TOYOTA 850 CELICA 2.0 AUTO GT, RED,ALLOYS,PAS, C/L,E/W, MOT MAY FEB14 2014 95 M 2.0 GLT ESTATE, BLUE,PAS,C/L,E/W,MOT

995 £££995 995 £995 995 ££ 795

£995

795 £££495 795 695 £££695 600 ££695 695

£250 £ 295

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ALAN TATE What can I say? He first came down on loan and I think he would admit himself that he struggled a bit but again, he hadn’t played first team football before because he came from Man Utd but technically and ball playing,; he played the game how I wanted to play; that was how I saw myself playing. A phenomenal player. When I left the Swans and saw him playing left back, I didn’t think that was possible but again, if you are such a good reader of the game then you can play anywhere and that’s how he was.

People forget how good he was, especially back then People do, you have new generations coming through, a new signing. There will be new signings coming in the summer and we will forget how good Bony was; he will be old news but that is football.

Nobody will ever forget the heart and passion which he had for Swansea and the risk he took by coming here. When he came, we were struggling, I think it was the year with Flynn; we went on a bad run. I will always remember his debut against Southend and he went to get the ball off Rog from the edge of the box and Rog asked him ‘what the f*ck are you doing? You are not at Man Utd anymore, get up to the half way line!!”. That tickles me to this day on.

MATTHEW BOUND: Again a proper centre half, a solid player but he could play as well. If he had to play then he could but he liked to keep things simple. I didn’t realise how big a boy he was until I play with him now in the Swans legends games; you don’t realise how big a unit he is. In the air, he’s commanding. Helpful, brilliant at reading the game. If he was playing now then again, I think he could slip in to the side alongside Ashley Williams no problem.

I actually played against you in one of those charity matches and I played against Boundy too

and I couldn’t get over how much he talked during the game, organising and keeping on Exactly, when I slot into the back four, he’s helping me out, telling me to tuck in or open up.

Basically he was a manger on the pitch.

And he was like that as a player as well?

Yeah, if you wanted to know anything then he was the player to go to. Obviously he wasn’t known for his ball playing but at the end of the day, if you are fighting in League one or league two then ball playing isn’t needed in your own half.

And he’s another player who can take a better penalty than you!

Again, that’s debatable MICHAEL HOWARD A really close friend of mine, I play golf with him now Is that why you put him in?

No, not at all, I’m going to stick up for him here. He was a brilliant left back, again, like Steve Jones; I never saw one player go past him and go past him and if they ever did then his recovery was outstanding. His crossing wasn’t perfect but again when you are playing on the Vetch with bobbles everywhere then what do you expect. I played with him again

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down in Llanelli and he was always a great pro, always fit, never injured and guaranteed to play you 35 games every season.

And if you have Micky Howard and Steve Jones as full backs then you may not get as many goals going forward but you only need one goal to win Exactly, that is why I have some of the midfielders in the side to cut open the defence.

I was really glad for him, because I thought he was a great player as well and made very few mistakes, apart from the Hull game and I was really glad that it didn’t matter and that isn’t how he is remembered No and that’s the kind of guy he is, he makes a mistake like that in probably the biggest game that Swansea will ever play but you don’t mention that he had a bad game because he carried on and got on with it, a lot would have crumbled.

MARTIN THOMAS When I first got down there; what a player. The angriest man I have ever come across in my life but

what a player. He could sore goals, would tackle anything, and would kick anything. A box to box, proper player. If you compared him to players these days then he would be a Frank Lampard or a Stevie Gerrard, scoring goals, defensive tackles, just a great player.

Obviously you played along side him a lot, was he a good guy to play along side? Especially for a youngster?

Yeah because I was always there as a ball player, to get on the ball and pick a pass and with him around making runs and looking after you with his tackles; you couldn’t ask for anymore.

Did he warrant the name psycho?

Oh yeah. He was a proper psycho, if he played in a charity match now then he will probably break a few legs.

Because he’s not a big guy is he? And he is quite quietly spoken Angry dwarf. He’s brilliant, he will tackle anything and again, if he was playing now then a few clubs would be chasing around him.

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LEON BRITTON Britts, he will admit himself that he struggled when he first got down here. A small man but what great feet, great on the ball, it probably took him ten to fifteen games to get into his stride because he obviously wasn’t playing in West Hams first team.

You could tell as soon as you seen him training day in day out that the higher level he played; the better he would be.

Did you see him as a centre midfielder then because he obviously played on the wing?

Yeah he played out wide but we obviously tried to keep him tight on the outside. But he played inside with me at times and he was small in that league, it was hard for him in league two to be honest with you because you would just get smashed but his first touch was far better than league two or league one.

Is he the best player to ever play for the Swans?

I always disagree with questions like that because every player is different and every position is different. It’s like the Messi or Ronaldo question; they are different players. For me it is hard to say that he is the greatest but there is no argument against.

MARTINEZ: What can you say about him? A proper professional. Obviously changed a few boys down there, professionalism, stopped the drinking and stuff like that. Again, first touch, proper Spanish, great first touch, great vision but his positioning was incredible. He could probably play a game without sweating and win man of the match, that was the type of player he was. He never looked flustered, it didn’t matter if we were one nill down in the 90th minute; he would still play the same way. It has shown with his management, and that’s the way that has got Swansea to be the way they are now.

It’s stemmed from him really.

Were you surprised when he left as a manager because I still can’t get over that Yes, yes and no. You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. Roberto might have wanted to go quicker

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than the club did, maybe take a risk that the club didn’t want to.

Jordi Gomez by all accounts was a possible issue there Yeah but if it wasn’t for Martinez then the Swans wouldn’t be in the Premiership now. The way the Swans play now is Roberto and it’s as simple as that.

STUART ROBERTS Another little rat, pace, aggression, skill, the ability to score a goal. When Stewy Roberts was on form then he was unbelievable. I’d like to see him up against Micky Howard or Steve Jones. He was unbelievable on his day.

Did he underachieve a bit? Luck didn’t go his way?

Again, I know he didn’t get on with the manager up in Wycombe. I was really good friends with him and used to stay up there and visit when I was with the Swans. That is the job we are in, some managers like you and some don’t. That’s the way it is but with football, if the manager doesn’t like you then you are gone but with another job, they can’t just get rid of you. But when Stu was on form, if he had stayed with the club then he would be another legend but he’s gone under the radar. I’m sure there will be people reading the magazine now and remembering how good he was.

He was certainly one of my favourite players back then. Didn’t Petty sell him?

I think it was yeah, he went for a bit of money. He obviously got a bit more money at Wycombe because they were in the higher league but he wanted to stay at Swansea but that money either went to save the club or line Pettys pockets, which ever one you think.

I remember I made my home debut at the Vetch against Wrexham and he didn’t do much but he pulled some tricks out that day as well, the only difference I found was that he didn’t have that pace to get away from the defender when he tricked them but as he got older and developed his fitness level then we all saw what he did.

He seemed like someone who shouldn’t be difficult to mark, keep him on his right food but nobody ever could.

Its one of those, the further you go to show him onto his right, the more off balance you are and so he can just flick it past you. I always remember Curt (alan Curtis), snake hips we called him because he could take you on while walking and Trundle was like that. Drop the shoulder and off he goes. What can you say about him?

JAMES THOMAS I just think he is the best finisher of the ball that I have ever seen. Obviously people remember him for the Hull game. The problem was that when he was down there, Brian Flynn used to play him on the left, I think he had a run of ten goals in seventeen games but he got pushed out to the left which obviously didn’t help him.

You have to get a dig in with Flynn haven’t you!

Haha well no but I’m sure if you have a chat with James then he would say the same thing and I actually spoke to him about it playing golf a couple of weeks ago. But he was an incredible finisher, if he was fully fit then the world is your oyster with him but again, injuries got to him. Also played with Savaraise and big Mama Sidebe but linking up Thomas and Trunds, flipping heck; Trunds would drop in, drop a shoulder and play Thomas through who would finish.

LEE TRUNDLE I had a year left when Trunds came down. Flynn left and Kenny Jacket came in but skill wise, if he had a bit more pace then he would have gone right to the top. I think it was the only thing holding him back.

You see him now; he’s quicker than he was when he was a pro. I always ask him what is he taking. What a player, what a signing for the Swasns. Everyone knows that I didn’t get on with Flynn but that is one of the best signings in the history of the club.

That’s not a bad side at all that is it. I got one extra question for you and that is; who would you want to manage this team?

I’d probably go with John Hollins. Fantastic footballer himself, a Chelsea legend and I think that he would manage these players well. The better the players then the more respect you need for a manager and I don’t think that you can get more respect than for John Hollins. He was the guy who signed me and I think that he would happily take care of that side.

It was a surprise too as they had just got promoted?

A big thanks to Mumf for his time. Great side that!

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Question for the mag: Which person would you say has made the greatest contribution to our rise over the last 14 years? and why?

Jamie Thomas Some brilliant games that created some unforgettable memories. Records broken within the club and league. Pretty wild away days.

A double over Manchester United and Arsenal.

Yeah, it's been alright haha Tony Davies I don't think you could call it boring with a record breaking season, a cup run would have been nice. Have a feeling next season we will put a good cup run together and also have the excitement of challenging for a European place Huw Rowlands It was bloody awesome!!! I'll remember and look back on this season as one of favourites.

Jordan McGuire I know what you mean....The PL just doesn't give the excitement the lower leagues give.

Ian Harding Record breaking season can't be boring. Although Chelsea managed to make it look that way Simon 'Lofty' Thomas Agree Jordan McGuire just don't get the same excitement anymore watching us Jordan McGuire Give me the lower leagues any day. Fans treated as customers, over priced and zealous players with their headphones on ignoring fans, plastic grounds, plastic fans, silly ticket prices, no atmosphere, sitting down, clubs being called brands not clubs, playing for mid table?... its not for me, sorry. Give me lower leagues any day. Don't get me wrong, the PL has

brought so much to the club and the city and I'll never want it to change.... but some of the seasons and games we've had in past years in the lower leagues tops it any day. 04/05, 07/09 and 2010/2011 seasons all top it in recent years.... For me personally.

Emyr Evans No major excitement/drama of cup runs/relegation threat but an enjoyable season none the less. Achieved more than I thought we would at start of season plus maintained consistency after Bonny left. Were getting better all the time and strengthening every transfer window. All is good in the land called Swansea!

Jamie Thomas I can't disagree with you about the lower leagues but I for one still get excited about watching the Swans. Probably because I get my lower league kicks from Port Talbot Town haha.

Jordan McGuire Can't disagree, whoever we are playing my passion and excitement at a game will never change. I'm just craving a pasty and a bovril Vince Hotten From a plastic Swan's fan's perspective, I thought the season was spiffing!

Ian Wishart It was a very interesting season. We played amazing for 3/4 of it then mediocre for the rest. Broke records, Doubles over Manure and the Arse. Got thrashed by the millionaires of Chelski.

The highs certainly outweigh the lows though.

Ash Swansea Jack Thomas No way was it boring.

Doing the double on Utd and Arsenal was exciting as well as our highest finish and most points. I will remember this season for years.

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Andrew Howells Let my season ticket go last season because I wasn't "feeling it" anymore , sterile atmosphere and made to feel like a customer more than a fan , will do a few more away games next season as it's a more enjoyable day out

Ian Wishart Leigh its not the stewards fault. It’s the Fa and the premier league. They have imposed tougher guidelines and bigger fines for disorder.

The majority of the stewards are Swans fans like yourself. And are only acting on what they are told to do by the hierarchy at the liberty. Also if those stewards weren’t there then there would not be Leigh Thomas It's disgusting I feel like this, the games played there because there wouldn’t be a Sunday 2 for people who run Lunches: the stadium security have aa lotTenna! to safety licence, or there would be contract answer for, killing the atmosphere, well for real Stewards (Safestyle) who are a lot stricter than fans anyway, I guessPool modern Table football fans it, Board / love Dart Swansea Stewards. Be grateful for what you have, not for me anymore, probably stick to away It could be a hell of a lot worse. Manure have games, at least you expect to be treated like a contract Stewards and look how much trouble Ample Parking leper at an away game.... they cause. Palace had contract stewards self explanatory there.

Give our stewards some credit Outdoor Play Area Martin Davies An exciting season was this season. Enclosed they aren’t that bad.

I been a fan for a long time over - 40 years and was delighted with our season the best season ever James Deason Give me boring next year too. grin

Waunarlwydd

Alex Collins A great season, but Premier League syndrome is beginning to kick in with a lot of people by the looks of it. Entering a competition that we have no chance of winning, it's a bit crap when you look at it that way.

emoticon

Richiehuw Evans An enjoyable season. Same next year please.

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38

Wha� ��� F�n� T���� C�n����e� Andrew Howells Let my season ticket go last season because I wasn't "feeling it" anymore , sterile atmosphere and made to feel like a customer more than a fan , will do a few more away games next season as it's a more enjoyable day out Leigh Thomas It's disgusting I feel like this, the people who run the stadium security have a lot to answer for, killing the atmosphere, well for real fans anyway, I guess modern football fans love it, not for me anymore, probably stick to away games, at least you expect to be treated like a leper at an away game....

Martin Davies An exciting season was this season.

I been a fan for a long time over - 40 years and was delighted with our season the best season ever Alex Collins A great season, but Premier League syndrome is beginning to kick in with a lot of people by the looks of it. Entering a competition that we have no chance of winning, it's a bit crap when you look at it that way.

Ian Wishart Leigh its not the stewards fault. It’s the Fa and the premier league. They have imposed tougher guidelines and bigger fines for disorder.

The majority of the stewards are Swans fans like yourself. And are only acting on what they are told to do by the hierarchy at the liberty. Also if those stewards weren’t there then there would not be games played there because there wouldn’t be a safety licence, or there would be contract Stewards (Safestyle) who are a lot stricter than Swansea Stewards. Be grateful for what you have, It could be a hell of a lot worse. Manure have contract Stewards and look how much trouble they cause. Palace had contract stewards self explanatory there. Give our stewards some credit they aren’t that bad.

James Deason Give me boring next year too. grin emoticon Richiehuw Evans An enjoyable season. Same next year please.

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And so that was that. Arguably the greatest season in it now! nd so that that. greatest season in it now! the was history ofArguably our club; the same again next season e history of our club; same again next season We sold a player for £28 million in January. Our please….

Really?

We sold league a playerposition for £28 million in January. ease…. Really? has gained us extraOur millions; if we has gained us extra if wethen I don’t can continue to invest in themillions; right talent I understand and can live with the thought that league position can continue to invest in the right talent then I don’t understand and can live with the thought that understand why we think we should put limits on eighth is a phenomenal achievement and that tenth understand why we think we what should on ghth iswould a phenomenal achievement weput canlimits achieve. be perfectly fine next and that tenth what we can achieve. ould beseason perfectly fine next but I’m not only ason but I’m notthan onlythat; I’m going In the last twelve months, we greedier In the last twelve months, we eedierto than that; I’m going have signed Fabianski, demand more than that! have signed Fabianski, demand more than that!

Fernandez, Naughton, Cork, Fernandez, Naughton, Cork, Monterro, Siggy and Gomis I want to finish in the Monterro, Siggy andall Gomis want toChampions finish in theLeague places who would make our who would all make our I don’t think any hampions starting eleven. nextLeague season!places starting eleven. don’t think ext season! of theseI players will any leave this of these players will leave this summer and so we are adding Complacency is what gets summer to and so we adding omplacency what gets we just what weare have, we are clubs is into trouble; to what we have, weand arewe currently ubs into trouble; weat just need to look Newcastle to improving eed to look at Newcastle to improving andthat we currently aren’t far away from 4th see that.

I’m not complacent, aren’t that far We away fromaren’t!!

4th e that.I’m I’mnot notcontent complacent, spot! really with eighth spot!

We really aren’t!! m not content with eighth spot, and I don’t think that pot, andEuropean I don’t think that is a bad football Chelsea and Arsenal are looking uropean football is aitbad Chelsea and Arsenal are streaks ahead oflooking the rest in my thing; I want all and I want streaks ahead of the rest in my ing; I want it all and I want

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opinion at the moment and we are a million miles best chairman in the league, shed loads of cash. no in the league,a shed loadsmanager, of cash. no opinion at thefrom moment we are a million milesimprove best chairman European football, respected proven away theseand teams.

Man City should European football, a respected manager, away from these teams.

Man City should improve track record of improving playersproven and its come and should finish comfortably ahead of us but that track record of improving and its come and should finish aheadfor ofnext us but that together at a timeplayers when there isn’t a clear top 4; let forth spotcomfortably is still wide open year. togetherdo at it!!! a time when there isn’t a clear top 4; lets forth spot is still wide open for next year.

United are still awful, they have major issues and do it!!!

United are stillhave awful, have of major issues football and they thethey problem European next they have theIproblem of European footballLiverpool next year; expect them to drop points. has year; I expect drop and points.

Liverpoola managerial has even them biggertoissues potentially even bigger issues a managerial issue, Spursand arepotentially going sideways at best. There isn’t a issue, Spurs are going sideways at best.

There a sides ‘big four’ any more. There will be six orisn’t seven ‘big four’next any year more.with There be six or seven sides an will outside chance of pinching that next yearforth withspot an outside of pinching and wechance are definitely one ofthat them. forth spot and we are definitely one of them.

We finished our season on a very impressive 56 We finished ourIseason very impressive 56spot next year. points. can seeon 66apoints getting 4th points. I Is can see 66 points year. it beyond belief getting that we4th canspot picknext up ten more Is it beyond belief that we can pick ten more points next season?

Pick upup a couple of goal scorers, points next Pick up a couple of goal a bitseason? more threat going forward and scorers, a bit more cover a bit more going a bit more at threat full back and forward I see no and reason why not.cover at full back and I see no reason why not.

Don’t settle. 10th, 12th, 8th, it’s not good enough for Don’t settle.

12th, 8th, it’s really not good enough next10th, season, ambition is critical; wefor have the next season, ambition really is critical; we have the Arborum half page.ai 1 19/02/2015 00:32:48

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but that isn’t the football of today.

Today it is all about I was talking to a bloke today who told me heimportant was a for that and at this moment in time, he isn’t in our first eleven in my opinion. today! Worry about tomorrow when tomorrow comes!

And in my opinion Jonjo 'limb isn’t instretcher' my first team plans Turns out he was pulling my leg... It is sad in a lot of ways that football has come to this today.

Have YOU hadsimply to walk 500the miles? but that is where we are.

It may be that Were you advised to walk 500 British footballing world has become more professional AIbig part of this isn’t just that we have better central went fishing while on my holidays and I used liquoand that this will bring the verymore? best out of young midfielders. We have good options going forward. rice as bait players. It may well force to beto even Montero looks ridiculously dangerous, Siggy is You players could like be Jonjo entitled I caught all sorts... better but you can also see why the English FA are outstanding, Bony is (and I genuinely mean this word) compensation. concerned about players lacking minutes. But I World class and Dyer/Routledge/Barrow are all very Call the Pro Claimers NOW couldn’t care less about the FA and I doubt the Swans capable on their days. So what we need is for them to have the ball, we need a midfield which is controlling, a do either. midfield who can win the ball back and give it to our ****** danger men and that is what Leon and*****JOKE Ki can offer. OF THE If I YEAR could get Jonjo to sign a ten year contract and he had no possible way of leaving it then I’d play him now but there no loyalty in football and soin, in many ways ThisIiswas shortinsighted butwhen I do feel far less inclined to Cardiff I spotted a Football book store,is out of curiosity I went a clerk it is the footballers that are brining it on themselves. ‘nurture’ talent than I have previously. We don’t really stopped meand and asked if he could help,(I like the normal clientele), need money players aren’t loyal in anyway andimagine so I WhyI didn't should alook club invest time and playing minutes So I asked if they had a copy of The Cardiff Plan to be in the Premiership regarding football into a player who will jump at the first chance they get? don’t see the point in playing him in order to smooth the diamond.

I think that possibly teams in Wales.

Thethose clerkdays hit have me and said “Get down and stay down," I said yes... that's the gone in terms of the Premier league.one Eachdo game is too you have it in paperback.

The teacher asked the class to use the word " fascinate " in a sentence.

Molly’s hand went up and she said, "At my granddad's farm, his pet sheep was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating?"

Sally raised her hand next. She said, "Rock City was fascinated". The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate."

But when Little Johnny raised his hand, the teacher hesitated because as we all know little Johnny burns teachers. Finally she decided he could not damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My Aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!?

The teacher sat down and cried. I love this little bastard!!!

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I heard my son chanting: "DOMINE... BACTERIUM... LACTOBACILLUS... CASEI... SHIROTA!" I think he's dabbling in the Yakult...

I watched a documentary on sponge fishermen last night it was very absorbing...

South Wales police report finding a man's body in the River Taff, near Cardiff Arm’s Park Park.

The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption.

CAUTION: INFORMATION ON NEXT PAGE MAY SHOCK!!

He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a ‘Cardiff City Football top’ and he also had a cucumber inserted in his rectum.

The police removed the Cardiff shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

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��ME

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50

Tony Davies I remember when he first came on loan he was staying at Mel´s hotel with his parents, i had the Sea Beach next door, they came in for food one night, a more down to earth guy you could never wish to meet, played him at pool he won, was such a nice guy. I honestly hoped that he would stay on with us and go into coaching, maybe he thinks he has a couple of more years left playing as he is a total football nut, shame we can not give him a testimonial he deserves it, would love to see him come back to the club in the future, he is one player who you can say will always be a Jack James Williams Alan Tate epitomises what our football club is about pride and passion! If our team lost every game and each player tried as hard as Tatey we'd applaud them off the pitch! He bled Swansea City he'd even be kit man just to make the squad. There are players like him about but they are vey few and far between! Anything he could do for the Swans or anyone in the City itself he'd do it!

Gutted to see such a player like him go and hopefully he'll be back behind the scenes and I hope we honour him with a testimonial! Too many players get given the title legend when they're not!

The term legend is Alan Tate!

Chilli, Swansea VYC Darryl Spencer He gave so much for the club.

Should have been given a testimonial

Jason Hughes We all want a team of Alan Tate a team of Alan Tate a team of Allan Tate !!!

Matthew Vincent Jack legend, should of been given a testimonial. Don't think he has been treated badly by the club he is not good enough for this level, been a great player for the club would love to see him back at the swans if there is a role for him Martin Davies A good player in his day - a jack legend Alister Wheeler When I think Alan Tate I think.. welsh flag - "f*ck off Cardiff" YJB

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52

T�� Ul��ma�� Pe�!

Jack Swan does pet reviews. What on earth will be next?

I had a dog; didn’t like that. I had a cat; didn’t like that. I really don’t understand why anyone would want things around the house. Cats jump up and eat everything and dogs want to be walked even when it rains. I’m looking for the ultimate pet; what I want to know is this:How much work are they?

Do they live long?

How much do they cost (and to feed)?

They dirty?

What happens when I go away?

And so I’ve started by having some chickens and this is what I’ve found: Chickens don’t need walking and they don’t go in the house. I let them out in the morning; I put them away at night. Apart from that, I don’t really know that I have them. Boring you may say but I could probably ask them to sh*t in the house if I wanted and I could clean it up and pretend they were a dog or I could put it in my kitchen and leave some food on the surface, answer the front door and find that my food has gone and pretend that I had a cat. In terms of how much work they are; Top Marks!

I’ve had them a few months. I must admit that I do have the philosophy that they are going to die and it probably will be because I got drunk and forgot to put them to bed at night but nobody really cares do they? Keep them away from the fox and they live longer than if you let Spense look after them though!

They cost a fiver each. A tub of corn costs a fiver or so and lasts a good few weeks. Plus you can just give them scraps. I love launching corn on the cobs down the bottom of the garden but that’s just me! Hutch cost me less than a ton and it is for 2 hens with two different sleeping compartments. I have massive hens and they share one of the compartments, they like a cwtch. I could easily fit 4 in there as long as I remember to let them out in the morning!

They dirty? I might sound wrong here but no, not really. I wouldn’t share a bed with one but I’ve not known them to roll in crap. They scratch a lot and food goes through them constantly.

You wouldn’t want them living in the garden area that you do (not that you live in the garden but you know what I mean).

I do need to find people to come over my house to let them out in the morning and put them to bed at night. This is a slight issue. It’s not horrendously cruel if they are kept in hutch for 24 hours or so (not very nice but better than being eaten) but not too often.

By the way; this is my rule and it might be horrifically cruel; I’m just making it up, if you want a real answer then read a real magazine.

I’m sold on chickens, I think they are great! If you have the room then go get them. Obviously they also produce eggs; I pretty much get 2 a day now. Much nicer than shop bought ones. Best pets that I have had yet but then dogs and cats are uselessly annoying animals!!

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Below: Christopher James Wiggins was the youngest Swans fan in the world before the Stoke match.

Right: Steve Nicholas shows off his Swans shirt in Zante Below that: Garry Monk proudly has his picture taken with Marie Pearson

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56

B���n� a� L�����

On the 3rd of May 2015 at about 5am, millions of idiots such as myself paid £20 to watch Floyd Mayweather boringly outfight Manny Pacquiao on television. I’d like my £20 back and I’d quite like my potential sleep back as well.

On the seventh of June, white colour boxing comes to the Liberty and local novice boxers are fighting to raise money for Cancer research; You can pay the same money, watch loads of fights, the money goes to charity instead of some boxing promoters and I bet damn good money that it will be more entertaining; potentially quite funny at times.

The fighters have just 8 weeks boxing in a gym experience, which is 8 weeks more than most of us and so I will be careful what I say and leave it to them, I met up with a with a couple of fighters to see what on earth they were thinking when they signed up to this:Jason Hughes got in touch with me about the fights and I asked him if he had ever done anything like this before?

“No, I trained at the beginning of the year. I gave up smoking as well and so I tried to look for something which would fulfil my time and keep me off the cigarettes. I actually joined Blaenymaes gym, my son boxes for them too and he’s a bit of inspiration for me. I joined for the fitness and then this came up and I thought I’d have a look at it and here we are, I’m quite nervous.

Jason Hughes

Jason would like to thank Steven hale and Jeff philipart of seminar componants for sponsoring me and the generous donation along with my family and friends

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ST IVES INN My 4 grandparents died through cancer and I’ve had an uncle die from it too and so this wayMarket to give 12is my Old back something back and say thanks for the help that they had towards the end of their life. That’s the inspiration which I had.

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DRINK WITH US Enjoy WITH US There is no hiding place in that square; Three two minute rounds. I had a spa last Saturday, I felt comfortable before it as I’ve been hitting bags for the last couple of months, so I jumped in the ring and I Coors £2.90 was blowing like mad; I only lasted two rounds but Carling £2.30 everyone is going to be in the same boat, there aren’t any professionals; Fosters £2.80 just people like me who want to have a dabble”.

Strongbow £2.70

Dark Fruits £2.90 Have you got a song to come out to?

John Smiths £2.40 Either be Tub Thumping Worthingtons £2.50or Metalica enter sandman.

Grolsch £3.00 What shorts you wearing?

Selected Bottles 2 for £5 Jager Bombs 2 for £5 I was going to wear a tutu haha. They supply the shorts sadly, one red and one blue.

Pool Table Jack Raf is another who has taken on the challenge I Dartasked Board him:Free WiFi Why you doing this?

It is going to be a great night and as I write this there are still the odd ticket available so get down there!!!!

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May 31st James Alexander June 7th Karl Lewis June 14th Cheryl Kane Frank Webb June 21st Hot August Neil Diamond Lizzie Tribute Act June 28th Here Neil Diamond Tribute 28th June

The main reason was because it was at the Liberty. To fight at the Liberty is a little bit of a claim to fame for me. It’s a good cause, I lost my Gran and my Aunty to Cancer but the main reason was because it was at the Liberty. I just thought, Hymns and Arias, walking We have 4 newly refurbished out; it’s a rocky scene isn’t it haha.

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B���n� a� ��� L�����

My 4 grandparents died through cancer and I’ve had an uncle die from it too and so this is my way to give back something back and say thanks for the help that they had towards the end of their life. That’s the inspiration which I had.

There is no hiding place in that square; Three two minute rounds. I had a spa last Saturday, I felt comfortable before it as I’ve been hitting bags for the last couple of months, so I jumped in the ring and I was blowing like mad; I only lasted two rounds but everyone is going to be in the same boat, there aren’t any professionals; just people like me who want to have a dabble”.

Nothing, never boxed, it’s all quite new to me and quite daunting, I was quite scared the first time I went into the boxing ring, the first time I spared with someone. Looking at the other guys in the gym, some are as fresh as me; some have done a bit before. I learned the hard way with a body shot a few weeks ago.

It is going to be a great night and as I write this there are still the odd ticket available so get down there!!!!

Have you got a song to come out to?

Either be Tub Thumping or Metalica enter sandman.

What shorts you wearing?

I was going to wear a tutu haha. They supply the shorts sadly, one red and one blue.

Jack Raf is another who has taken on the challenge I asked him:Why you doing this?

The main reason was because it was at the Liberty. To fight at the Liberty is a little bit of a claim to fame for me. It’s a good cause, I lost my Gran and my Aunty to Cancer but the main reason was because it was at the Liberty. I just thought, Hymns and Arias, walking out; it’s a rocky scene isn’t it haha.

Ever done anything like that before?

Jack Raf

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60

��I t��� �u� �I�A!

The firstThe option that we rebrand and rebuild firstisoption is that we rebrand and FIFA, rebuild FIFA, call it something else butelse generally have thehave same call it something but generally the same ideologyideology and plan; that every authority write this a day before Blatter arrested, and plan; thatfootballing every footballing authority I write this a daySepp before Seppgets Blatter gets arrested, wo days before Fifa representatives agree toagree toon the planet the has same say.

Onesay. vote forvote one for one two days47 before 47 Fifa representatives on thehas planet the same One country.country.

The United Emirates has the has same stify against the Swiss president in a court law of law The Arab United Arab Emirates the same testify against the Swiss president in of a court the English FA. nd three days before 47 people as the English FA. and three daysall before all 47 mysteriously people mysteriouslyclout asclout e of another suspicious global epidemic like die of another suspicious global epidemic like The second option isoption that we decide small, bola. Ebola.

The second is that wethat decide that small, poorer countries are always going to be subject to poorer countries are always going to be subject to bribery bribery and thatand we that should a ‘select who seemsItlike somebody is finallyisdoing we have should have afew’ ‘select few’ who seems like somebody finallysomething doing something make allmake the decisions.

Maybe Maybe bout the insane of corruption that goes all the decisions. about theamount insane amount of corruption that goes just the just 20 largest n in footballs governing body; it body; was about the 20 footballing largest footballing on in footballs governing it wastime about time And we And will then trust he Yanks to our beautiful game!! game!! nations.nations. we will then trust thecontributed Yanks contributed to our beautiful these twenty nations to these twenty nations to World around is all great news really but I can’t feelhelp like feel I dolike spread spread theCup World Cup around It is all great news really buthelp I can’t I do the the other 187. hen the United of State America take over a over a and include and include the other 187. when the State United of America take ountry;country; what next? what next?

Is it me or neither option option Is itdoes me or does neither really work? ootballFootball clearly needs a governing body and a really work? clearly needs a governing body and a obal one, oneone, thatone unites entire global thatthe unites theworld entireisworld is Corruption will existwill in both early the idealthe situation but this but governing body is body exist in both clearly ideal situation this governing is Corruption scenarios.

The firstThe willfirst be very ways going deal with huge mounts of money scenarios. will be very alwaystogoing to deal with huge mounts of money blatant (as it has(as been) second will be far nd there lies the problem which we face.we face. blatant it hasthe been) the second willbetter be far better and there lies the problem which coveredcovered up and will benefit us as a rich nation up and will benefit us as a richand nation and lets facelets it, that be the action. e are going be faced with twowith options; facewill it, that willcourse be theof course of action.

We aretogoing to be faced two options;

fa is corrupt?

Who would thought it?

Fifa is corrupt?

Whohave would have thought it?

Bu� W�Y? The United States, the Worlds super power has had major issues to deal with in the aftermath of Iraq and Afghanistan. Who do you trust to run the country when you pull out? Well who do you trust to run the billion pound industry that is football?

Football is powerful, not only with its wealth but also with its ability to unite and to alienate. Being able to ‘give’ football and take it away from a country is an incredible weapon to posses. Sport played its part in the destruction of apartheid in South Africa, boycotting the country and starving it from playing sport against other countries did help to put strain on the country; sport is powerful!

Which takes me to another issue I have; why did the FBI spend so much time, money and resources on this? We are led to believe that we live in volatile times, ISIS are causing havoc, Putin keeps being a

silly little bugger and oh yeah that Ebola thing! And yet the FBI decided that corruption in a game was more important?

From next issue onwards we are going to start looking at some crazy conspiracy theories but in the mean time; What if we aren’t the good guys?

What if the FA and UEFA are actually every bit as corrupt or potentially more so than FIFA? Who would benefit from the 2018 World Cup being moved? Who would stage it? Who would lose out?

I can’t help but realise that this is becoming very neat all of a sudden; There are good guys; USA, UK and Europe and then there are the bad guys; mainly Russia right now but Qatar and other countries from that region.

The FBI hasn’t got involved for the good of football.

There are going to be so much politics involved in all of this, we will know a fraction of the truth and we will only know the fraction that we are supposed to know. Sport and football are powerful weapons to use against people, we are just pawns.

Interesting times.

62

J��e� �OT B� S��n��

Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.

As they walk, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering," said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how did you do?" "First Place," said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world." I'm entering," says Superman.

After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"

"First Place" answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"

Pinocchio says "This is mine." Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they asked.

Pinocchio say's "Who the hell is Tony Blair?"

One of the most successful inventions of all time has to be the man who invented the hay baling machine.

He made a bundle.

Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus today, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket."

"It's not semen!" she replied, "It's probably yoghurt."

"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yoghurt".

I have just got home from work and my wife is out.

There's a note stuck to the fridge saying, 'I can't cope, it's clearly not working, I'm going to stay at my mums' Dunno what she meant! The light is on and the milk is cold. ��� ��� �� �������e� �� ��� ��� � ��n�� � �������

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64 Vit�� Inf�ma�i�� T�� Mo�� All these are facts except 1 which I made up. Which one is made up? answer on answer page 98.

The dark side of the moon is a myth: In reality both sides of the Moon see the same amount of sunlight however only one face of the Moon is ever seen from Earth this is because the Moon rotates around on its own axis in exactly the same time it takes to orbit the Earth, meaning the same side is always facing the Earth.

The side facing away from Earth has only been seen by the human eye from spacecraft The Moon is drifting away from the Earth: The Moon is moving approximately 3.8 cm away from our planet every year. It is estimated that it will continue to do so for around 50 billion years. By the time that happens, the Moon will be taking around 47 days to orbit the Earth instead of the current 27.3 days.

The Moon has no atmosphere: This means that the surface of the Moon is unprotected from cosmic rays, meteorites and solar winds, and has huge temperature variations.

The lack of atmosphere means no sound can be heard on the Moon, and the sky always appears black.

If you died on the moon you would float away: Because of the lack of gravity and atmosphere on the moon, the average dead body (which ways considerably less than a live one) would float from the surface and into outerspace.

The Moon has quakes: These are caused by the gravitational pull of the Earth. Lunar astronauts used seismographs on their visits to the Moon, and found that small moonquakes occurred several kilometres beneath the surface, causing ruptures and cracks. Scientists think the Moon has a molten core, just like Earth.

A person would weigh much less on the Moon: The Moon has much weaker gravity than Earth, due to its smaller mass, so you would weigh about one sixth (16.5%) of your weight on Earth. This is why the lunar astronauts The first spacecraft to reach the Moon was Luna could leap and bound so high in the air.

1 in 1959: This was a Soviet craft, which was launched from The Moon has only been walked on by 12 people; all the USSR. It passed within 5995 km of the surface American males: of the Moon before going into orbit around the The first man to set foot on the Moon in 1969 was Neil Sun. Armstrong on the Apollo 11 mission, while the last man to walk on the Moon in 1972 was Gene Cernan on the Apollo During the 1950’s the USA considered 17 mission. Since then the Moon has only be visited by detonating a nuclear bomb on the Moon: unmanned vehicles.

The secret project was during the height cold war was known as “A Study of Lunar Research Flights” The Moon is edible or “Project A119 and meant as a show of strength Although the moon is clearly not made of cheese, large at a time they were lagging behind in the space areas of it are both edible and nutricious. Although it is race. doubftful that the crumbling rock would taste too good, it would be possible to not only eat it but also spread it on a cracker.

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1st

2nd 3rd

Ashley Williams If players can get bookings for continual fouling then they can also get annual awards for being constantly reliable. I was seriously concerned that he may leave last summer, I think a combination of Garry Monk and other sides not really realising how good he is contributed to us being able to keep hold of the captain of Wales and we are once again very grateful. The guy just delivers time and time again. He is a bizarre talent as he seemingly has no outstanding attribute; he isn’t blessed with great pace, not 7 foot tall, he’s not the greatest footballer and yet as a package; he is incredibly solid. The flip side is that he has no obvious weakness and like all great centre backs (and he is a great centre back) his positioning is almost faultless.

We have three other good centre backs at the club and the other three should embrace having this man to learn from as he can help them also become great. He represents the club incredibly well, is clearly a ‘club man’ and I am delighted to announce him as my player of the season.

Fabianski Piped at the post; I’m not sure whether it was the third goal against Man City or the fact that he won every other award that made him drop to second place in the only award that the players really care about! He’s had a wonderful opening season and we may well have ourselves a little gem here who may be keen to stay with us for many years. I’ve said in the past that I struggle to really judge a goalkeeper but it is clear that the players feel comfortable with him behind them, his communication seems to be perfect, I can’t think of a misunderstanding between him and the back four all season; which is unheard of really. His shot stopping is great but what I have been really surprised and impressed with is his ability and confidence to command his box when crosses come into it. He isn’t taking any prisoners here, he’s getting the ball and he’s taking out anyone he needs to along the way. A truly brilliant season. He looks chuffed to be here and the feeling is mutual my friend!!

Ki Another player who looks over the moon to be here at the moment and another player who looked like he would win this award not too long ago. He has been superb from day one. I always liked him but wanted to shake him at the same time. His consistency has been there, his game time and travelling has clearly caught up with him the last month or so but I’m already excited to see him in action next season; I expect that to be in a Swans shirt but any side with a half decent scouting network should be sniffing around him. He’s added goals to his game and the type of goals I personally love to see, ones where he’s making strives to get into the box to get at the end of something. It seems to be a mental ability which not everyone has, Lampard is the expert at it and a lot of our South Koreans goals have been Lampard-esque if you like. He’s also added a bit more bite to his game which is much welcomed and there are now few tougher midfields than him, Jonjo and Cork who are all able to mix it up; a bizarre thing to say for a Swansea midfield. A really great season and he would have been incredibly close to winning this award if it wasn’t for the Asian Cup; bring on next season!

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Just the two this issue: 1) Hidden in each of the sentences are the numbers 1 to 10 in words. A number might appear in more than one sentence, but there is only one way to find all ten numbers.

For example 'My parents told me to never cross the road without looking.' contains the number 1: 'My parents told me to never cross the road without looking.' Here you go:The robins love hiding amongst the smooth reeds.

It's always worth looking after your friends, even if they've upset you.

Even heavyweight boxers like using soft tissues when they have a cold.

To avoid the calf, I veered sharply to the left.

The eggs were boxed thirteen instead of a dozen in each baker's delivery box.

Having salmon every day for lunch gets a little boring after a while.

The attendance at the local football match exceeded last weeks by many thousands.

We need to waterproof our boots to make sure we don't get wet.

Meeting friends after work allows executives to network effectively.

The orchestra sounded magnificent with the three virtuosi xylophonists.

2) The legendary BrainBashers calendar has had an early millennium bug. Here is a listing showing the number of days in each month: January 107 February 68 March 135 April 15 May 133 June 104 July 104 August 16 September ==?== How many days are in September?

Answers on page 98

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To the Editor, Jack Swan Magazine, Firstly, may I begin by saying that whilst I am not a Swansea City supporter, I have followed their success with interest and am pleased that they have achieved so much following their promotion to the Premier League. This has been good for the City, its economy and its profile and has shown how a club can be managed well without massive budgets and capital to call upon.

I would like to raise a complaint however about the recent issue of Jack Swan Magazine (#36).

It contains what is an inherrent and remarkably offensive racist joke regarding Stevie Wonder (submitted by Dan Creaser). I am shocked and appalled that this has been allowed to be published in your magazine and leads me to wonder what vetting goes on by your editorial team of material received for publication.

Whilst your magazine staff may not have written the joke themselves, it is the magazine's ultimate responsibility to manage what is published and therefore you as editor are culpable for this gross error of judgement.

For years, organisations such as "Kick Racism Out" have been working hard to change the mindset of the still fervent minority of imbeciles who spout this foul rubbish so when a

magazine such as your publishes such jokes/articles, it puts their cause back years.

I also wonder how the black players of Swansea City FC must feel when they read this type of thing in a magazine which purports to be the voice of the fans. Can they assume from this that they are still classed as nothing but fodder for jokes because of the colour of their skin?

In previous magazines I have noted several misogynistic and sexist jokes and these are also unacceptable and out dated however this latest inclusion has taken this to a whole new level of offence.

It would be interesting to find out from your advertisers how they feel about this, as by paying into a publication which feels it can print such offensive material, they are effectively condoning it and by doing so, could be doing more harm than good to their respective businesses.

I think a retraction and apology is required in the next issue (at the very least) and I would also appreciate a personal response to this e-mail.

Yours in good faith Angry Reader

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Dear Angry Reader, First of all, may I sincerely thank you for getting in touch with your feedback. I genuinely welcome as much feedback as possible and while it is wonderful to hear how superbly brilliant everything I do is; it is often more useful to hear where people feel that I go wrong.

Racism is totally unacceptable. There is no line when it comes to it and there is absolutely no place for it in any publication. It is the absolute lowest of stupidity and although there has been massive improvements in football and society in general regarding racial equality, we do have to continue to improve and people like you speaking out when you feel you need to is vital and I applaud you for that. I think it is also vital that we talk about it, publish discussions about it and for that reason I plan to publish your letter and this response.

I do ‘vet’ everything that goes into the magazines and I especially look at jokes and content from people who are not regular contributors to the magazine; such as this joke in question. I looked at the joke in great detail, I did seriously consider not printing it, however having thought long and hard about it, in my opinion it is not a racist joke in any way. If I thought that it was in the slightest bit racist then I assure you that it would not have got into the magazine.

The joke in question was this:Stevie Wonder was once interviewed for a music magazine, he was asked what it was like to be a blind musician, his reply was "it could be worse, I could be black!"

It did cross my mind that this joke could be deemed as racist, which is why I did consider not printing it and the easiest thing for me to do would have been not to print it. However I don’t want to take the magazine down a political correctness route and I don’t want to live in a society where we are afraid to mention the colour of people’s skin in any context.

Unless I’m wrong, what should be deemed offensive in a joke is what the laugh is at; why is something funny (or trying to be funny). I personally thought this was a fantastic joke and

Gareth & Donna Welcome You To

not derogatory to a persons skin colour. If the joke is discriminating against anyone then it would probably be blind people but thankfully this magazine doesn’t come in brail. (come on; that’s a joke too!!!!)

The NEWTON

The joke is that a blind person doesn’t know what he looks like, doesn’t know the colour of his own skin. That is not racist! If Gary Lineker was blind then you could reword the joke so that ‘it could be worse, I could have big ears’.

I see a racist joke as a joke which is derogatory towards someone because of the colour of their skin and that is totally unacceptable but this is not that.

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You will have to be more specific in terms of the other ‘sexist’ jokes which I have published. I am very aware that I print jokes that wouldn’t make the local newspapers. Jack Swan is unique in this area for that, there are many publications which people can read and this is one of them. I don’t try to appeal to everyone but I have been amazed at how many people enjoy the jokes in the magazine. Without discriminating against people; it amazes me how many older people like them and in reality, I can’t really put a bracket on who reads the magazine because it seems to appeal to a hugely wide range of people which has surprised me in truth.

It also amazes me at times how people find printed material more offensive than on television for example; Jimmy Carr would see every joke I have ever printed as too safe and boring for his 9 o’clock show.

I don’t know whether I would have convinced you that this joke isn’t racist; I hope that I have at least convinced you that I firstly do vet the jokes and that secondly and more importantly that I certainly do not see the joke as racist. I hope you enjoy the bulk of the magazine and I urge you to continue to give me feedback.

Many thanks Jack Swan

SEE YOU SOON!!!!

P. S in regards to the spelling; that’s just how it is.

New Well Lane, Newton, Mumbles

74

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Dear Angry Reader, First of all, may I sincerely thank you for getting in touch with your feedback. I genuinely welcome as much feedback as possible and while it is wonderful to hear how superbly brilliant everything I do is; it is often more useful to hear where people feel that I go wrong.

Racism is totally unacceptable. There is no line when it comes to it and there is absolutely no place for it in any publication. It is the absolute lowest of stupidity and although there has been massive improvements in football and society in general regarding racial equality, we do have to continue to improve and people like you speaking out when you feel you need to is vital and I applaud you for that. I think it is also vital that we talk about it, publish discussions about it and for that reason I plan to publish your letter and this response.

I do ‘vet’ everything that goes into the magazines and I especially look at jokes and content from people who are not regular contributors to the magazine; such as this joke in question. I looked at the joke in great detail, I did seriously consider not printing it, however having thought long and hard about it, in my opinion it is not a racist joke in any way. If I thought that it was in the slightest bit racist then I assure you that it would not have got into the magazine.

The joke in question was this:Stevie Wonder was once interviewed for a music magazine, he was asked what it was like to be a blind musician, his reply was "it could be worse, I could be black!"

It did cross my mind that this joke could be deemed as racist, which is why I did consider not printing it and the easiest thing for me to do would have been not to print it. However I don’t want to take the magazine down a political correctness route and I don’t want to live in a society where we are afraid to mention the colour of people’s skin in any context.

Unless I’m wrong, what should be deemed offensive in a joke is what the laugh is at; why is something funny (or trying to be funny). I personally thought this was a fantastic joke and

not derogatory to a persons skin colour. If the joke is discriminating against anyone then it would probably be blind people but thankfully this magazine doesn’t come in brail. (come on; that’s a joke too!!!!)

The joke is that a blind person doesn’t know what he looks like, doesn’t know the colour of his own skin. That is not racist! If Gary Lineker was blind then you could reword the joke so that ‘it could be worse, I could have big ears’.

I see a racist joke as a joke which is derogatory towards someone because of the colour of their skin and that is totally unacceptable but this is not that.

You will have to be more specific in terms of the other ‘sexist’ jokes which I have published. I am very aware that I print jokes that wouldn’t make the local newspapers. Jack Swan is unique in this area for that, there are many publications which people can read and this is one of them. I don’t try to appeal to everyone but I have been amazed at how many people enjoy the jokes in the magazine. Without discriminating against people; it amazes me how many older people like them and in reality, I can’t really put a bracket on who reads the magazine because it seems to appeal to a hugely wide range of people which has surprised me in truth.

It also amazes me at times how people find printed material more offensive than on television for example; Jimmy Carr would see every joke I have ever printed as too safe and boring for his 9 o’clock show.

I don’t know whether I would have convinced you that this joke isn’t racist; I hope that I have at least convinced you that I firstly do vet the jokes and that secondly and more importantly that I certainly do not see the joke as racist. I hope you enjoy the bulk of the magazine and I urge you to continue to give me feedback.

Many thanks Jack Swan P. S in regards to the spelling; that’s just how it is.

Tip of the Month

the centre) looked at us as slightly crazy for A canoe is indeed not a kayak! I had been actually turning up but my theory was that we canoeing many times before, thoroughly enjoying would probably get wet anyway (as it was a it each time and was looking forward to heading kayak) but canoes are not designed to roll over!! to Resolven and having a peaceful row on the How Neath canal. It turns out that it was in fact the first do you connect to a WiFi connection TIP: Don’t with a nutterby who ‘canoed’ in time I’d ever been in a canoe. They are very when you are go prevented a has previous America and has the full intent of tipping the boat different. We all know that this magazine is here password? over. Water is colder here than in the USA!!!! More to educate the masses and as you can see from on that later!!! the diagram, there are distinct differences.

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A major difference is that a kayak is designed to roll over; where as a canoe is not. That is unless you go with a total nutter; more on that later.

The canal is really stunning.

And the centre is situated about 600 yards past the sign that says the centre is 300 yards away. I think big foot counted out that distance!!

The day we went was chucking it down. Conor (in

The best way would be to delete or “forget” the network and connect to it fresh. To wireless Sodelete we getainto this network connection in Windows canoe, an7:ore each and head down the canal, we make the 600 yard 1. Open the Network and Sharing Center. trip to the 300 yard sign PCRESCUESHOP turn around quite 2. In the Tasks Pane, click Manageand Wireless Networks. sexily with one movement; need for 3. Right-click on the connection you want tono delete, three or even twenty and then click Remove aNetwork. three point turn. The nutter was informed 4. In the Manage Wireless Networks – Warning Dialog that it was wise to sit at Box, click OK the front as the only real way that you could fall in was if you were on

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Ja�� Sw�� T��e�

A canoe is indeed not a kayak! I had been canoeing many times before, thoroughly enjoying it each time and was looking forward to heading to Resolven and having a peaceful row on the Neath canal. It turns out that it was in fact the first time I’d ever been in a canoe. They are very different. We all know that this magazine is here to educate the masses and as you can see from the diagram, there are distinct differences.

A major difference is that a kayak is designed to roll over; where as a canoe is not. That is unless you go with a total nutter; more on that later.

The canal is really stunning.

And the centre is situated about 600 yards past the sign that says the centre is 300 yards away. I think big foot counted out that distance!!

The day we went was chucking it down. Conor (in

the centre) looked at us as slightly crazy for actually turning up but my theory was that we would probably get wet anyway (as it was a kayak) but canoes are not designed to roll over!!

TIP: Don’t go with a nutter who has ‘canoed’ in America and has the full intent of tipping the boat over. Water is colder here than in the USA!!!! More on that later!!!

So we get into this canoe, an ore each and head down the canal, we make the 600 yard trip to the 300 yard sign and turn around quite sexily with one movement; no need for a three or even twenty three point turn. The nutter was informed that it was wise to sit at the front as the only real way that you could fall in was if you were on

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78

Ja�� Sw�� T��e�

the back and got pushed backwards by a tree. So she spends the whole time trying to steer the boat into trees.

But most of the control of the boat comes from the back and so it was pretty easy to arrange it so that she hit the tree at the front and I survived; we did this on a number of occasions; felt slightly guilt at one point when the tree was in fact a bramble bush but only very slightly.

We headed back the other way past the centre (after a 600 yard paddle past the 300 yard sign) and then a good trek up to the lock (there is in fact no ‘up’ on a canal; a figure of speech as they say). I couldn’t be bothered with any of those locks malarkey (where technically an ‘up’ is invented on a canal) and so we turned around and also swapped sides; where I was in the front.

We struggled but we managed to tip the boat and are (as far as Conor can recall) the only two idiots who have voluntarily capsized their canoe into the Neath canal. It was as cold as you would imagine and knee deep with sludge or something of that description. The 300 yard sign which is near the car park is a long 600 yards away when you’re socking wet.

I must admit that I thoroughly enjoyed. I went Sup boarding last year and for me this is much better. I think it could be very relaxing and a lovely chilled out morning or afternoon strolling along the canal or it could be mental if you take a nutter!

Nutter spends the rest of the time trying to capsize the canoe (which is not designed for this). Luckily she can’t without me allowing it but it becomes so blinking annoying having to constantly wrestle with the boat that I agree that I will help the canoe capsize but only when we are closer to the centre; a fair deal!

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Do you think that a lot of the problem with Nick Clegg is that he looks very David Cameron, he is a similar age, from similar backgrounds, do you think that might be behind what we don’t like about him and you can also say this about Ed Milliband?

I think that you have hit one if the major problems of British politics at the moment, they are all cloned. They come out of public school or university, they get an internship or a researchers job and then they become an MP; That is a big problems with this country as there are very few MPS who have had a proper job and I don’t mean solicitors or barristers; you need a mix of people as you need a mix of sexes, we want a house of commons and not a house of elite.

comment that Danny Alexander and George Osbourne had which was a note saying ‘sorry all the money has gone’ You must have had an idea of where the country was or wasn’t?

My experience when I became leader of Swansea council was that I didn’t realise beforehand some of the things that were happening.

He looks comfortable with Cameron?

Yeah but they are all the same. Look at Ed Milliband, has he had a proper job? No! That’s at least one thing you can say about Cable that!

Will the Liberal Democrats be looking to abolish tuition fees?

We made the mistake of signing up to something that we didn’t really appreciate the full cost of and it wasn’t until we opened the books up and got the famous

So are you saying that if the Lib Dems had won an outright majority in the last election, you still wouldn’t have scrapped tuition fees? That it wasn’t the torys that stopped you?

I have a feeling that we would have had to look at how to fund further education. I’m not sure whether tuition

WITH OVER 350 OUTLETS AND 5,000 COPIES EACH ISSUE, YOU ARE NEVER FAR FROM A JACK SWAN MAGAZINE GO TO WWW.JACKSWAN.CO.UK TO FIND YOUR NEAREST OUTLET

80

R�� U� T� J��e� B� E�ec�i�� S��n��

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Aldi's.

Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Aldi's.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.

He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Aldi's."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Aldi's, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

(Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

As well as 5,000 copies As well as copies printed and5,000 delivered printed and delivered from Mumbles to Abercrave from Mumbles to Abercrave and Britton Ferry to Gowerton. and Britton Ferry to Gowerton.

Our online magazine is viewed Our magazine is viewed the online world over! the world over! www.jackswan.co.uk www.jackswan.co.uk

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82 Ja��

Sw�� Eat� F�o�!

I was in the Hafod Inn a month or so back and Maria (the Landlady) asked me to pop in one time and try their Sunday dinner there. ‘You’d give it a ten out of ten if you reviewed it’ she told me. In fairness, most landladies say this; very few say to me ‘the food here is crap, you’d score it under 5!’ and so in truth, I didn’t really take too much notice of what she said.

Now ten out of ten is incredibly hard to get but I am seriously struggling to find the slightest issue with the dinner I had. The meat was fantastic, the selection of veg was quality and the mash potato was perfectly unhealthy; James Martin says that the potato is added to mash potato to bind the butter together and I’m all for that!

Full marks? I don’t like to give anything full marks but possibly in fairness. I can’t remember the price but think it was six quid or something like that and it is the best Sunday dinner I can remember eating anywhere. So Maria was true to her word there.

It is a good pub as well the Hafod. It has loads of potential there and it looks like it is starting to reach it which is good to see. It was closed for a while and it is really nice to see it back up and running and doing well; we need good pubs!

After being so impressed with the Sunday dinner I popped in to try their lunch time menu. I like a pub lunch. I eat far too many pub lunches but I really do like stopping work for an hour, having a good lunch, few games of pool and a pint. I think that’s what real work is all about.

The gravy was the icing on the cake; absolutely perfect. (That’s actually tickled me slightly that; “gravy the icing on the cake”; that don’t sound too good actually does it!)

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Ja�� Sw�� Eat� F�o�!

I fancied Hafod Chicken. I don’t know why every pub or restaurant decides to name this dish after themselves? It seems a strange law within the food industry; you know the one, chicken with bacon and cheese and barbecue sauce. Hunters chicken I think is the real name for it which is also quite weird because you don’t really hunt chicken, bacon, cheese or barbecue sauce; strange!!

Anyway, the ‘Hafod chicken’ came out with chunky home made chips, peas and a salad where some effort was made! A bit more than your usual slice of lettuce and a quarter of a tomato.

It was a good sized lunch and tasted great; this was good pub grub at very good prices. I have sampled the lasagne and the burger there on their two for ten deal and both were equally as good. The pub has a pool table, it has beer, and two for a tenna is right up my street.

I expect to be back and fore to the Hafod Inn on a regular basis from now on in truth, I can’t knock a single thing with their Sunday dinner and they tick all the boxes I need for a pub lunch too.

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Monday - Thursday Cottage Pie Lasagne Fish & Chips Ham, Egg & Chips 5oz Rump Steak & Chips Sausage & Mash Ploughmans Sunday Lunch: 1 Course £6.50, 2 Course £8.50

BBQ Competition

Iâ&#x20AC;&#x203A;m so proud of everyone taking my tips on board last issue. 3 Great pics this month!! Keep them coming though. We want to run this competition all over the Summer. Lets just prey for some sun.

Send your BBQ pics to info@jackswan.co.uk or 07880 369545.

This Months Winner is Gregory Hartland who Wins

3rd Place 2nd Place

A Webber Smokey Joe Premium Barbeque thanks to Brisco Williams A BBQ Meat feast pack thanks To Pontardawe Butchers And a Crate of Carling thanks to Dylans Off Licence Brisco BBQs qtr ls.ai 1 27/05/2015 21:34:39

WINNER

G Gas Barbecues | Charcoal Barbecues Fire Pits | Patio Heaters

Gorseinon Road, Gorseinon, Swansea, SA4 9GG Go

Tel: 01792 894961 | www.brisco.co.uk Te

The

E L A S KIN Mumbles

Quiz Machine

Bandit Pool Table

Juke Box Tuesday: Thursday: Tradnight Sunday: (Traditional Irish Quiz Night Karaoke Folk Singalong)

Live Music Every Friday & Saturday Night

88 The Secret Breakfasteer As it stands at the moment 1st 2nd 3rd 4th 5th 6th 7th 8th 9th 10th

Brownsters Café, Clydach The Penny Black, Burry Port Bro's Café Port Talbot The Skyline Café, Glyncorwg mountain bike cenre Uplands Dinner Changs Tambinis Express The Junction Café on roundabout Ystalyfera Fairdeal Café, Llansamlet Ponty Café

Well there was me thinking that the season was over and I had finished reviewing for the summer. That was until I had the call from jack swan asking if I wanted to go for breakfast. Not one to turn a breckie down we headed off for my first visit to Brownster’s in Clydach.

Many times I have passed Brownster’s, the outside décor always looks clean and tidy and this was reflected inside. There were 6 choices of breakfast. Jack Swan and myself both opted for number 6 the largest at £6, my main reason being that it was the only option that came with 2 slices of very thick cut bacon. Also on the plate were 2 slices of toast, 2 sausages, 1 egg, beans/tomatoes, 1 hash brown, black pudding and sauteed potatoes.

I really struggled to finish it all off and left 1 slice of toast. I put this down to having the day off work and not having worked up an appetite as opposed to being a big girl’s blouse like Jack Swan who also left some toast.

26 25.5 24.5 24 23.5 21.5 21 20.5 20 17.5

I must emphasise how good the bacon was, it even distracted me from the average sausages. I can’t quite put my finger on it but there was a nice, relaxed atmosphere in Brownster’s, the owner pleasantly came over for a chat and offered us refills on our coffees.

All in all we had a cracking breakfast and I will be popping in there again soon.

Location = 7.5 Quality = 8.5 Price = 8

26 30

The Journey Continues...

DATES ARE GOING FAST!

Book NOW to ensure The Journeymen can play your venue in 2015

Call Leighton on 07963 937930 or Phil on 07961 937238

N I W

A Free Sunday Lunch & A Bottle of Wine @ Chaplin Steakhouse Mumbles

How to Enter: Answer this Question:

How many Clubs did Alan Tate play for while on loan from Swansea City?

Text your answers to 07880 369545

Jacks cost Rubbishstandard Clearance eighth.ai 1 22/02/2015 16:11:02 Texts amount.

Competition closes June 18th.

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92 Swanning

Round the Universe

ARE YOU MADE OF THE STUFF OF STARS?

STOP. Take a minute to appreciate you are breathing and all that it means and that it is enough for this one moment.

Forget about everything and everyone else around you, no complication, no worries, no want away manager at last ... breath it all out...

It's just you, the mechanical miracle that is your body and the mystery of spirit that drives it, held by gravity to the Earth that you will live and die on. No doubt about it.

Now breath this in...

Infinite space expanding in infinite time giving an infinity of possibility. Does your head spin while you stand and breath?

The Earth spins at it's Equator at 1,100 mph. The Earth rotates around the Sun at 67,000 mph. The Sun rotates around our Galaxies (the Milky Way) centre at 490,000 mph. The cluster of Galaxies we are in travels at 2,236,936.2920 mph through space towards...

Where are we going?

Well we are moving away from the Big Bang in the direction of the constellation Leo at a speed of 872,405.1538 mph and have been for nearly 14 billion years.

Spin spin spinning into infinity Now think on this...

You are one amongst the 7.5 billion people on planet Earth (21k to fill the Liberty). The Earth is one of an estimated 100 billion planets in our Galaxy. The Sun is one Star amongst an estimated 300 billion Stars in our Galaxy. Our Galaxy is one amongst an estimated 100 billion Galaxies in the Universe.

We have no evidence of life other than on the Earth yet, and I say 'yet' because...

Infinite space expanding in infinite time gives an infinity of possibility (Swans beating Gooners home and away).

Feeling lucky Jack?

I can tell you this to counter the spin, for now, WE ARE All MADE OF STARS... FACT. We belong, you belong, there is no mistake in infinity.

So begins the story of our place in the Universe...

Paddy Stradlin 2015

Last Months Winner With Their Prize We had a fantastic time thank you. The meat was delicious, we will most definitely be visiting the butchers again. The family came to meet us so Alyssia, her baby brother and cousins joined in.

From This

Thanks to Brisco Williams, Pontardawe Butchers and Dylans Off Licence

To This

FRIDAY

SUNDAY

12-14 JUNE

2015

AND B T R A U T S H ORCHESTRA THE HAMIS L CITY JAZZ

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M DYL AN THO CENTRE SWANSEA MARITIME QUARTER

AL & THE NATION OMAS CENTRE, THE VENUES FOR ALL THE DYLAN TH BE L SEUM WIL IONAL WATERFRONT MU NCERTS, INCLUDING INTERNAT A CO NG ED RI ET VE CK TI CO S E TH ND INGE ZZ ARTISTS & BA & UK-BASED JA ATILE PROGRAMME. FULL FR RS VE D AN SEA MARINA .

AN SW E DIVERSE TH SS NUES ACRO FESTIVAL AT VE

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PEARING IN

ARTISTS AP

CAPITA WITH THE N O S B I QUINTET G S E L LEE A E F F N GEO N JIM MULLE THE SESSIO ZO ZIRILLI/

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Kings Head; Treboeth The top spot didn’t last long. The Kings Headin Treboeth have demolished the field in my eyes. An outside play area which is more than enough to keep the kids happy on a sunny day, indoor colouring packs which keep them quiet for a bit should it rain but really top quality food and a couple of nice touches.

First of all, having two options for kids sizes. There is a big jump between an 18 month old, an 8 year old and an adult. Yet in every other place I have seen, you simply have kids menu or adults menu.

Really good to see a ‘toddler menu’. The Mexican Burger I had was the best burger that I have ever had. Real home made chips and an absolutely outstanding pint of bass. Very reasonable price.

Outstanding!

Quality of Food: Quality of Childs Entertainment Quality of Adults Entertainment Value for money Beer

9 8 6 8 8.5

Total 39.5/50

P���i�u� Sc��e� New Swan Ystalyfera Hen Dderwen Sketty Dillwyn Arms Pontardawe Hungry Horse In Dunvant Harvesters Everywhere

39/50 39/50 38/50 36.5/50 32/50

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96 P���n�-�es� P���n��n�!

We have all been there, (well those of us with kids) the football is on TV and we don’t get to watch hardly any of it as we are too busy entertaining the little monsters. I asked Claire from Munchkinos Childminding to try and come up with a solution.

This week children all over the UK will be taking part in Den Day. So I thought that I could link this in with the previous den building activity I wrote about before.

All of the children that attend Munchkinos Childminding will have a chance to help construct a den as well as having an opportunity to either chill out, play or nap in it.

We are really looking forward to taking part in this fun fundraising event and hope to raise enough money to make a little difference to the lives of some of the children being helped by Save The Children. If you would like to help achieve this please visit our just giving page on http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/munchkinoschildminding Even £1 would help us achieve that, thanks!

Den building is a really easy way to keep the children entertained while you watch the match, hopefully uninterrupted. You could even join the Den Day campaign and raise money for sleeping in it over night. There are lots of ideas on their page http://denday.savethechildren.org.uk/at-home/ Here are some of our favourite ideas, all tested for your convenience :-) Den Building with a twist Everyone loves to build a den. It can be done indoors

or outdoors and does not need to cost ANY money.

Depending on the age of your child, this can be done in advance of the match, (or during) by your children.

All you will need is blankets/duvets, pillows, chairs maybe some string or rope if feeling adventurous and a bit of imagination. If you are building in advance, you can include your children by asking them to furnish it with the pillows and cuddly toys.

If you introduce a torch to the den (this is the twist), the children will have fun making shadow puppets with their hands, telling spooky stories or just shining the light. Get them to take books inside to read or make up stories with. You could even make up a little picnic so they don’t even have to ask for food!! My children like to take in teddies and other soft toys so that they can make up plays etc.

They could practice a show and then invite you to watch it after the match.

Another favourite is to take in tablets to watch a film, add pop corn and enough cushions and they might even fall asleep!!

Den building can be as easy or complex as you want and can be made appropriate for any age.

Google den images for some inspirational ideas. Why not email in your den photos for next months issue? www.facebook.com/munchkinos

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Picture Quiz

1) Nigel Pearson 2 Sam Allerdice 3) Ronald Koeman 4) Alan Pardew 5) Garry Monk Link: All won manager of the month awards

Mind Puzzles:

1) 3 - The robins love hiding amongst the smooth reeds.

7 - It's always worth looking after your friends, even if they've upset you.

8 - Even heavyweight boxers like using soft tissues when they have a cold.

5 - To avoid the calf, I veered sharply to the left.

9 - The eggs were boxed thirteen instead of a dozen in each baker's delivery box.

1 - Having salmon every day for lunch gets a little boring after a while.

10 - The attendance at the local football match exceeded last weeks by many thousands.

4 - We need to waterproof our boots to make sure we don't get wet.

2 - Meeting friends after work allows executives to network effectively.

6 - The orchestra sounded magnificent with the three virtuosi xylophonists.

2) 199: The first part is the alphabetic position of the first letter of the month, S=19, the second part is the number of letters in the word itself, September=9.

Vital Informatoin The Moon is edible Although the moon is clearly not made of cheese, large areas of it are both edible and nutricious. Although it is doubftful that the crumbling rock would taste too good, it would be possible to not only eat it but also spread it on a cracker.

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D N U O F

Someone Clever!!

We have found someone clever!

I’d love to hear from other clever people though. Be good to have a specialist writing something interesting in the magazine.

Get In touch 07880 369545 info@jackswan.co.uk

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