Issue 21 by Jack Swan

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Words Words From From Jack Jack Swan Swan Contents Contents

You feel like you are in danger of being called a ‘plastic’ Are our expectations too high at the moment? Maybe, should you bemoan any performance, player or tactics of but I think it is fair to say that we have been frustrating our beloved team these days. Well string me up and call this far. There have been a number of games where we me plastic because I’m struggling to do anything other have been more than in the match and thrown a couple than just that. of soft goals away which has changed the game, missed chances at the other end. Just annoying. Recent history shows us that a side playing regular Thursday football in the Europa Cup fairs badly in the We have also become a side without a starting eleven. I league and I suppose it could simply be that. Alan Pardew know we need to rotate each game but I do like to know went from being the best manager in the league to having who is playing come a weekend. Even if only for my first Joe Kineer hold his hand. Maybe this is a part of the price goal scorer bets. I find myself with only one Swans player of success. in my fantasy league team at the moment. Crazy! No prizes for guessing who he is. Expectation is clearly high and I can’t pretend to of played it down. I felt that our league position last year was We have carefully timed this issue to be at the printers merited and that with a few quality additions, we could during the dull international break. Hopefully Michu will improve on that. For what ever reason, we aren’t clicking, get on the pitch and earn a cap with arguably the we are not playing our usual free-flowing passing game greatest side that has ever been. What does that say and we look so sceptical at the back it is scary at times. about him? He’s been called up to the squad ahead of Soldado at Spurs who cost £26 million, Llorente at Far worse though, (and it really pains me to say this) is that Juventus and some bloke at Chelsea who once cost £50 there was no point in the derby game where I felt we million. Completely deserved but still strange to see. wanted the win more than them. Jonjo seemed to understand what we wanted of him, flew into a few They are all big months but this is hopefully when we tackles but it looked like he was doing it as an actor, doing start to climb the table and start to look down on Vincent it to please us as against because he ‘felt’ it, the swim away Tans hobby club again. Just when they start to look like a gesture kind of reinforced this. proper club, you can rely on their idiotic Borat wannabee to remind the world that their just a sold-out joke. We For as long as football has been talked about, pundits will wait with anticipation for their next comedy move. tell you that a good side wins when playing badly. We haven’t been playing well by any means and yet we lay a We had more interest in Issue #19 than ever before and respectable 13th in the league table and just one win off so we have upped our print run which will mean more our magical 9th placed finish last term. copies in our current areas plus we are taking in some extra areas including Mumbles to the West and Glyn We have been poor, but I believe we will get better. If we Neath to the East. Everyone wants a piece of the Swans are a lower mid-table side when playing badly and with a and its largest and only free fanzine. very difficult start to the season, then lets give ourselves a little break. Call me a plastic for having a pop but I’m an ambitious plastic who thinks this club and group of players can do better: and I won’t apologise for that.

C��r� Ja�� Sw�� Cheers Jack Swan

4: Top tenBastard Jack B’s 04: We lookJack at Roger Freestone as one of

Jack Swan meets Stephen from the our all time topWear ten Jack B’s Evening Post in ourbid to find who the 20: What the Fans think about isBony biggest Jack Bastard of all time.

22: Geraint Evans: Cardiff 12: What can SCFC Achieve? Citys Fallen Down

24: SImon Robbins: Vincent Tans Diary 14: Simon Robbins

Jokes By Spense There 26: is something about Bony

34: Pictures Pictires of of the the month Month 16: 36:the Spoof Interview 18: What Fans think 42: Ponty Butchers Christmas 20: Where are they now?

46: Where are they Now? Matty interviews Paul Connor Matty falls in love with Julian Alsop

26: Spoof Interview 52: byPicture Quiz 28: Jokes Spense 54: Miss Swansea Needs you! 32: Interview Kevin Johns MBE 56: with Phil Sumbler 36: Interview How to be a hero 60: Race to PLayer of the Year 40: Picture Quiz QuoteofJack 42: Race 62: to Player the Swan Year

Get In In Touch Touch Get

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Our search to find the biggest Jack B has taken us to a more expected place this issue. Very few will disagree that this man deserves to be on the list. I was fortunate enough to meet up with Roger Freestone and to see how he’s doing. Here is that interview: You were at Newport at their peak, what was it like as an 18 year old playing league football at your local club? I often have this conversation with my father and I just thought that it would go on forever. As a kid, you don’t look at the future; you just look at now and I’d grown up with these boys from Newport. Nerve racking, I remember making my debut on Boxing day or a couple of days after against Port Vale, we lost 2-0, with about 2,500 people watching. Couple of days later we played Middlesbrough away in front of 15,000 people, I’d never played in front of that many before. To play for your local team, driving into work in an old cavalier, we thought we were the dogs b*llocks. You never thought of the future and if it lasted a year then it lasted a year, if it lasted longer then great. We were that desperate to come home when I got sold to Chelsea, that I was looking for jobs anywhere, I was going to quit football. I applied for B&Q jobs and that but academically I am as dull as dish water. One thing my father said was ‘get an education’ and now look at me, I’m a delivery driver, but I’m happy. I had my career, enjoyed it and you just move on, crack on with life.

Chesterfield (for Newport) on a Sunday and I got called into the office and told that a London club had come in for me. I thought it was Tottenham because they had been keeping a close eye on me and we had one of their players on loan. They said it was Chelsea and I went up there and I remember my father saying ‘don’t sign, whatever you do, don’t sign’ and as soon as they put the contract in front of me: I signed. I was on £80 a week at Newport and they doubled it to £150 a week plus they gave me a £3,000 signing on fee. I played the last few games of the season and I was on £300 a week and was happy, we bought a house in Reading, obviously Dan was due but we could never settle there. We spent more time on the M4 than anywhere else because we were both homebirds. That’s why living in Newport while playing for Swansea was great but no, it wasn’t the best 4 years of my life.

Chelsea were going through a bit of a yo-yo time between the top two leagues when you joined. Did you enjoy your spell there? No, I didn’t enjoy it; I was only 18 at the time. They were not as big then as they are now but they were a big club. I played

You came to Swansea on loan initially in ’89, how was that for you? It was brilliant, Ian Evans and Tommy Hutchinson were in charge then. It was such a relief to enjoy football and life again. It was such a great three months and I was devastated when it had to end because they wanted to sign me. Doug Sharp was desperate to sign me and offered something like £100,000 for me but Bobby Cambell (Chelsea manager) was a horrible man and wouldn’t let me go, think I was forth choice at the time. I just wanted to play football and that was the time when I thought that I had

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to look elsewhere and outside of football but fortunately I didn’t. You eventually joined permanently in ’91, was it a hard decision leaving Chelsea? No, at that time we were training near Heathrow airport and I got called into the managers office. This was before the time of mobile phones and I remember running down to phone my wife Sue and say that a club has come in for me and she was like ‘where we going to go now?’ and I said ‘Swansea’. By the time I had got to Reading, she had already packed up and was ready to go. But it was nerve racking because it was a 3 month loan with a view to a permanent deal. I think the first game we played Fulham and travelled back to London and we lost 3-0, not the best start but I obviously showed something over those three months because Frank signed me. Although he used to give me terrible grief about my weight but I was desperate for this contract to go through and in the end I took a big pay cut to make sure that it did go through. I took £100 a week pay cut to go because I was desperate to go. That has always been the same though, whatever contract Swansea offered me, I would sign. As long as I had a car: for the first

couple of years I didn’t have a car. Keith Walker had a car, Corny had a car, I thought I want a car and I had an old G reg’ Sierra: what a beast. If it had a car then I was there. Were you always a Jack? I assume from these parts you wouldn’t have been No, I was a Liverpool fan, but I liked any football. Same now really, I obviously follow Swansea but I like Chelsea. I like to see all teams doing well in European football regardless of who they are. I can always remember when at Newport we had a refereeing course down in Swansea when we were 15-16 year old and we got off the train and got attacked by a load of Swansea supporters: we got chased through Swansea town centre by a load of Swansea supporters. You were with the Swans for over a decade, we hear of how much the club has changed over the last decade, did you see major changed in your time there? We might have had a clean towel now and again. Nobody could envisage where the club are now, 20 years ago. To think that we could be where we are now with 20-30 million in the bank, no debts, 20,000 people

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watching us every week, it is unbelievable. We were just happy if we got paid every month. We’d go out and do our best. We might have got the changing rooms painted in the close season but that was it. No training techniques, different coaches brought? I started to feel the benefits from training when Glan Letheren came in, that was the first time ever that I had a specialist goal keeper trainer and that was when we won the championship. 1999 he came in I think. The methods he did made me a better keeper, improved my game and I have him to thank for my Welsh cap. I remember the excitement I felt when you won your long overdue cap and against Brazil of all teams. What was it like for you and how did the other players respond? Did it lift the whole squad? Believe it or not, I was petrified, I met up with the squad in a Mitsubishi S Reg Charisma next to all these land rovers and Range Rovers and BMWs and that. The first thing though, I always remember John Hartson running up to me and saying ‘my hero’. I was his hero. I couldn’t believe it. Obviously I knew Andy Melville, Chris Coelmen but then Ryan Giggs was there. I was just in awe of these people. In fairness I trained well, we’d just won the championship conceding just 30 goals or whatever and I just continued that form. We met up 2 weeks after the season had ended and I trained with Glan for each of those weeks and I remember we played on either the Tuesday or Wednesday and Mark Hughes called the three goalkeepers in before the game

and said right lads, I’ve made my decision: ‘Roger your starting’. I couldn’t wait to get out of there and phone my missus, mum and dad, phone everybody. I couldn’t believe I was playing. Felt nervous, excited, everything. Playing against Brazil in what was probably the best stadium in the world at the time, in front of 75,000 people, closed roof, just beyond. It was a childhood dream to play for my country and to do it at the age of 32 or whatever it was was amazing. We lost 3-0; I played reasonably well though, made some good saves. We had a couple of days off and then we were going to Portugal, I remember driving up to London to catch the plane and bumped into Robert Page who was like ‘hey, how is it going’ whereas before nobody knew me. I was chuffed to bits. Were you disappointed not to get another chance after that? The three goalkeepers were me, Mark Crossley and Darren Ward because obviously Paul Jones was his number one but he was out. I was a little disappointed because I was then the number 2 and Paul made a couple of mistakes but I suppose you could call me a one cap wonder and I’ll take that any time. How does scoring a penalty compare to saving one? I don’t know, I think there is a better buzz when you score a penalty. We’d had an absolute nightmare with penalties, I think we had missed seven on the trot and I said to Frank, gaffa, ‘I’ll take the next one’ and he said that I could. Oxford away, we had a penalty and I looked at Frank and he said ‘go on, go on son’, I thought oh my god jogging up there, I absolutely bricked it and I thought that if I missed this he would kill me. I put it in the top corner. I ran round in circles, I didn’t know

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what to do and all the boys jumped on top of me but it was brilliant.

I’ll always remember scoring against Chesterfield the first Probably the least desirable place for a Swansea fan to live is game of the season at the Vetch and the first day of the season is always a bumper crowd. It was 0-0 at the time It’s been alright for most of that time, as the Swans have and I remember scoring in the bottom right hand corner been rapidly improving while the Bluebirds have been and running up the North Bank arms in air and the North snatching defeat from the jaws of victory with fantastic Banks going wild and I’m going wild and everyone is regularity. Usually at Wembley. But now they’re in the trying to catch me and it was brilliant. I think I scored Premier League thanks to Vincent Tan’s millions things aren’t another one and so took three and scored three but then Jan Molby came in and he would take everything, crying at Wembley for ages. Penalties, Free-kicks, throw-ins, goal kicks, he was just a legend. After their victory parade Did you ever practice missing a when they won penalty in training and seeing the championhow the team could defend it? ship in May, I could hear their No, I didn’t practice them, I’d put fans walking my head down and go to the around the keepers right with power but I streets chanting think that if I’d missed one – I ‘you jack wouldn’t have got back. I have bastards, we’re never seen any of my penalties, it is coming for you.’ I a shame really. thought this was directed at me, Kevin Cullis. No question needed. and my house was about to be set alight by some Redbird He didn’t have a clue, Dave Penny hooligans. Luckily it was just some kids who were unfortutook the team talk up in Blackpool, I nate to be born on the wrong side of Bridgend and have don’t know where he came from, probably never seen football played the way it should be, where he is now but we must have the Swansea way. I can’t wait to see Michu et al destroy their been a laughing stock. I remember Doug coming back on the bus after we lost and saying ‘don’t worry, class nowadays and better than them in every department. those f**kers will be gone in the The only players I’d have in the Swans team would be morning, I’m back’ because he Caulker and Bellamy. (Doug) had sold the club to Thompson but was sorting it back. I’m still amazed Caulker left Spurs to join that lot – he He did so much for that club Doug, obviously didn’t learn anything from his previous stay in he wasn’t a rich man but whatever South Wales, and he’s sure to get a hostile welcome on his he could do for the club he would. Liberty return. But he’s made his choice now, and has strengthened what looks a pretty good defence. When they face us on November 3rd I think we’ll have too much for

Is it true that in that team talk, you were holding Cullis in the corner? No haha, who said that? B S m You know what stories were likeR n down the Vetch No,them, I don’t think anyway, I can’t remember, he just but oneso thing in their favour will be our heavy didn’t have a clue and that was the way the club was under them. month as we play Liverpool home on Monday 16th, Valencia away on Thursday 16th then Palace away on There were whispers you with taking a trip down thebut M4 Sunday 22nd. A longofweek a lot of travelling, to these Cardiff thethings early you 2000’s. truth in it? you’re areinthe haveAny to expect when Yeah, I don’t Wales’ no.1know team.if they came in for me but I certainly had a call from Billy Ayre who asked if I would like to come to The Cardiff football I politely no.lately, But I and alsoafter had locals have club beenand getting a bit said cocky a call from aboutcelebrated 40 minutes before asking they beatTony ManPullis City they like they’dthat won the if I would likewe to go Bristol 2 Champions League. Similarly to when gottopromoted I said no. I could just can seasons ago, their crowdsCity are and getting bigger and they never see myself leaving expect several sell-outs this season. One thing that’s been Swansea City FC. It wasfor inthe my disappointing for us has been our attendances heart16,000 and I wanted to stay Europa League games – only and 12,000 for there forever. ItWas might sound Malmo and Petrolul Ploesti respectively. everyone sad but was else on holiday? As Delia corny Smith or would say there ‘Where areayou, greatshould set of be ladstaking thereadvantage and I let’s be avin’ you.” Supporters wanted to stay there. I was of the £20 tickets to go and see some of the best players respected in the clubever to wear a Swansea shirt, and in Michu onefootball of the best andCoates it was aingreat, great time (he’s right up there with Jon my opinion.) of my career. So sort it out and get behind the team for every game – fortunately missed who knows how long ourYou European adventure willout last, on chance. the veryAlthough dark financial and when we’ll get another I’ve heard at Newport some pundits predicting times we’ll challenge the but top hung 6 this enough to catch season, I think seventh is around the bestlong we can do – and that the Petty times at the Vetch. itself would be What was that time like for a amazing. All I then senior player such as really want is to yourself? 10 and take 6 It wasn’t good, obviously the likes of Matthew Bound left, I boys. don’t know if he regrets that now. Obviously with Nick Since their Cussack there we had a lot of prootion, Simon support from the PFA. I has resorted to remember Christmas Eve, I was this disguise.

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cooking Christmas Dinner in the Kitchen as we were training Christmas day and I was putting the turkey in the oven and Cussack phoned me up and said ‘we aren’t getting paid’, I dropped the turkey and panicked and had cold sweats, it was a nightmare. Christmas Eve I was speaking to 5-Live on the radio discussing what was going on. What a time not to get paid. I think we went to Exeter then Boxing day and won 2-0. Colin Addison said to us before we went that he understood if anyone didn’t want to play and felt let down by the club and that he wouldn’t hold it against us and everyone turned up apart from Boundy. We turned up, put in a performance and won 2-0 which said a lot about the boys and showed a lot of character. Because we weren’t on stupid money, we weren’t on mega bucks but we tried to keep it going for the football club. We went two or three months without pay, every penny that went into that football club was going in Pettys back pocket. I’m just thankful to the likes of Mel Nurse and Huw Jenkins and the supporters club for turning the club around. You were one of the players Petty tried to get rid of: Well you know, he could never sack us, I mean, basically, he wasn’t paying us. He was trying to get rid of me to QPR: get me off the wage bill and I just didn’t want to go because obviously the kids were young and I didn’t want to leave the kids. I was at a friends house in a Halloween party and this agent from Cardiff kept phoning me on behalf of QPR, it started of about £50,000 a year. It started in the afternoon and it kept going on, by eleven O’clock at night I think the final offer was something like £150,000 a year for three years. A ridiculous amount of money and I thought, no I don’t want to go. He must have thought that I was a

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Well renowned as a prankster, streaked on Soccer AM , what sort of other antics would you get up to? Did I? According to my sources (AM) No, when was that? In the Cross bar challenge, at the Vetch? Oh, yeah that probably was me yeah. I used to chase Sue the kit woman in the changing rooms b*llock naked. That was the sort of thing which we could do. You couldn’t get away with that now. If you did that now you would be in the papers and all sorts. But it was all good fun. That was the mentality of it then. Now they are so distanced from the normal person. We were close with them, we could have a drink and everything but now it is completely different. There are loads of things that went on behind closed doors.

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greedy bastard but I just didn’t want to go. I went in the next morning and Nick Cussack said to me that he was glad I was staying but I was F-ing mad. That was his words, it was half a million quid over three years but I could just never see myself leaving Swansea City Football Club. Obviously I did in the end, I went back to Newport but I couldn’t enjoy the same and so knocked it on the head.

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Cornforth has already told us about your antics with the bus driver up in Wembley The things I used to do to Ken I tell you. He used to say â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;ROGER, ROGER, make me a sandwich, cheese and pickle and so Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d make him a sandwich and put my false teeth in it, heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d be driving along and my teeth would be in his sandwich before heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d go â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;you dirty bastard!â&#x20AC;&#x2122;. It was funny though up in Wembley, he had this tracksuit which was so tight on him and a pair of loafers â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;how do I look boys?â&#x20AC;&#x2122; But me and Corny got the keys to his room and well you know the rest. (full story in the John Cornforth interview in Issue #19 â&#x20AC;&#x201C; if you missed it find it online) I remember me and Julian Alsop driving up to fairwood with the sun roof open because we trained there and I said go on Jules, stand up through the sun roof and as he did it, I slammed on, he whacked his head, blood everywhere but it was just all good fun. The mentality of players when I was playing was completely different to what it is now I mean we used to have such a laugh, a joke. Julian Alsop used to turn up to training in a Macintosh and a pair of Wellies on, silly things like that. Absolutely quality. We had a great set of lads there.

have to respect all of them. Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d say Corny has to be up there as the best, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll never live that down though. From a goalkeeper point of view, you look at Boundy, Jason Smith, Keith Walker. The back four when we won the championship, Michael Howard, Steve Jones, Matthew Bound and Jason Smith that was brilliant, absolutely superb. Walter Boyd, quality player. Do you think that with that organised back 4 and yourself, sometimes you get a group of players like that which is better as a group than individually? We never practiced anything; there was never any shadow play or anything. I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t know why we were so good, because we were good. I had four players in front of me who were like dogs, Smudger would put his head through anything which is why he is so ugly: he looks like Sloth from the Goonies. Jones could break his leg three times in a game and he didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t know about it.

There has been a lot of good players in my time at the Swans, Cornforth, Colin Pascoe, Savareise there are so many good players, to put your finger on one. Lee Trundle, Tatey. I regarded every player to play professional football a great player because it was so hard to get there and you have to be a good player to get there.

We went on that run without conceding a goal for nine games or whatever and I remember we went to Peteborough and the gaffa said keep it tight for ten minutes because they had been on a good run. After 7 minutes we were 2-0 down, and we hadnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t conceded one for ages but it showed the character of the team because we won that game 3-2. Up until November we were sh*t. John Hollins was one game from the sack and we won a Tuesday night game and then we went on this run. It was so close at the top all season and then the title decider up at Rotherham. Which was obviously such a sad day because of what happened to Terry Coles, you donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t expect to go to a football game and not come home do you.

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I remember the coach journey home and we were all celebrating winning the title and then John Hollins had the phone call, broke

Who is the best Swans player you have played with?

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it to the lads and we all felt like we had been relegated or something: understandably. It was horrendous because a lot of the boys like Jonny Coates actually knew him personally. We went from being up there to right down. Do you watch the Swans much these days? I watch them every Saturday on match of the day or Sunday morning because I get up early. My son is a season ticket holder and goes down every game and away a lot to but I work every other Saturday and get down 3 or 4 times a year but I get looked after really well there. I get looked after better now than I ever did as a player. It is unbelievable, bite to eat before the game, lovely seats, just get spoilt.

league. But you do get a lot of supporters criticising the football club or the players but their not robots, they can’t perform every week. Vetch or Liberty? The Vetch: definitely. I never played at the Liberty but you could have 5,000 people at the Vetch and it seemed like 35,000 people. When the North Bank was singing, you couldn’t beat it. Close your eyes and you can see it, p*ssing down with rain on a night match or first game of the season or West Ham at home: what a night. Any night game really- always created the buzz. I have never played at the Liberty but for me the atmosphere isn’t half as good.

I think the supporters today are spoilt, I’m a supporter and you got to be careful who you criticise. You can’t criticise the players for not trying or anything about that football club anymore because I grew up in the dark ages where everything was going wrong, now they are in the premiership, dining from the top table and it is unbelievable that ten years ago we could have been out of the football

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Will a football supporter ever be priced out of the game? JS: Yeah, of course, there is always a limit Do you think so? I don’t know because I think that if they support that football club then no matter how much it costs then they will do something to support that football club. Look at the likes of Arsenal and Chelsea. I mean Arsenal get 70,000 football fans every week and their charging £2,000 a year season ticket. I don’t know, it’s just a shame that the North Bank doesn’t exist anymore because that North Bank was unbelievable, I miss that. I do miss that. Who is the biggest Jack Bastard of all time in your opinion? Me haha, no, I look at the likes of Keith Walker who played ten or eleven years for the football club. Corny, Sky was pensioned off. I look at players who served their time there and were loyal. Loyal players, Alan Tate who is not playing these days but in my opinion he should be because he’ll always give 100%. Leon Britton, I know he walked away but he came back. You got to look at the loyal players, the players who went through thick and thin. Best Chant you have heard at a football game?

got up and then saved it the other way. My best save was probably West Had at home from Ruddock. I dropped a clanger in the first leg and gave them a replay which the chairman was delighted about as he saw the pound signs but I made that save in the second leg in the 87th minute which was the exact time that I dropped the clanger in the first leg. Ivor Allchurch has a statue down the Liberty and a lot of people rub his boots for luck before a match. If there was a statue of you down the Liberty, what would you want them to rub? My belly probably, to make it smaller, try to rub it down. I have seen a campaign to make you an ambassador at the club, is that something you would like to do? Obviously yeah: To be connected to Swansea City FC. I spent 14 years there, 14 happy years and to be connected to the club in some capacity would be an honour for me and my family, I’d be chuffed to bits. I’m happy to be connected as an ex-player. If that is how it stays then fine, they look after me down there but if anything else comes about then great.

Best save ever?

A massive thanks to Roger for agreeing to meet us. He was a real gentleman to us and an absolute top bloke. An even bigger thanks though to Mrs Freestone who made the most wonderful chocolate cake. Thoroughly enjoyed that.

Most important save was probably against Huddersfield in the Autoglass when I saved the penalty. But it was a p*ss poor penalty I got to say. But I say to people that if I had dived the wrong way, it would have gone in. But having said that, it was that bad that I could of probably

While chatting to Roger we said that we would give a ‘shout out’ to try and find any videos there may be of Roger taking one of his three penalties. If anyone has a copy or knows of a copy then please get in touch with Jack Swan on 07974 055529

Roger Roger of course. For the North Bank to come up with a chant for you and sing it to you, it makes you ten foot tall.

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G�r��n� Ev�n� Cardiff City’s Fallen Down.

So we lost. I’m sure like me a lot of you are asking yourselves just what is the point of Jonjo Shelvey? I have a more important question though, do you care? Or at least, how much do you care? I don’t want this to come across like sour grapes, so I’ll tell you the bulk of this piece was conceived of weeks before the match. Basically I’m just not that bothered about Cardiff anymore. I was disappointed in the Swans sure, they were toothless, sacrificing the opportunity to make chance for the idea that possession itself might win them the points. They didn’t, they never do. And in the second half we barely looked anything more than present. But that’s all that’s annoyed me, I’m not angry that it’s Cardiff. For me Cardiff just aren’t that big a deal. They used to be, I was practically filled with bloodlust every time we met but things have changed, the times, the teams. Cardiff used to be Cardiff, they were the team we’d always hated, those noisy neighbours we chased into the sea. Now they’re the dragons, or they will be. The lego brick stadium, the millionaire madman giving jobs to his kids mates, the redbirds?

Geography is part of a rivalry but if the two clubs aren’t actually in the same city -a bigger part is shared history. The only history we share with this new club is losing 1-0 on 03.11.13. Which sucks, sure, but I’m no more annoyed than if it had been Fulham.

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I have some friends who are city fans, many agree with me, the soul is gone they tell me. Some don’t of course and I’m sure that my facebook feed will be full of “who are ya’s” and I feel sorry for those guys. They don’t know yet, they think that they can wear their old blue shirt and things are still the same, they think that being in the same city means being the same club. They’ve not yet noticed the plastic fans, the creeping prawn sandwiches and the boxes filled with asian businessmen. Cardiff are an example to the rest of the football world, the fans at least. Would you sacrifice what makes your club what it is for success? Would you, could you feel the same afterwards? If Cardiff City change their name it’ll be the last nail, the proper end of an historic club that I used to love to hate. And I can’t believe it but I’ll mourn them. We’ll end this with a food-for-thought question for fans of any team that might see it. If your chairman thought he could make more money by moving you club to another city, would he? Oh and, seriously, what is the point of Jonjo Shelvey? Answers to my home address, Geraintevans@jackswan.co.uk Geraint Evans – Comedian/writer

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Below are some actual excerpts from the diary of old Vinny Tan himself. Monday Had to beat the butler this morning for not bringing my breakfast on time. Made it worse by bringing my cereal in the blue bowl instead of the red one. I knew I should never have given Nathan Blake a job. Iain Moody phoned to say he will take the chauffeur job I offered him after all. I tell him â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;too lateâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; and hang up. I laugh so hard I fall off my chair.

I challenged Craig Bellamy to arm wrestle. He won. I had him beaten for being insolent. He still doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t shut up. Must remember to cancel his contract. Had a chat with David Marshall, advised him not to bounce ball. He threw the ball really hard, it almost hit me. Must find goalkeeper who can throw straight. Got back to car to find someone had slashed all of my tyres. Apparently this is very good luck. Thursday Today I went on a day trip to Swansea with my new best friend, Steven Caulker. He never spoke to me before but he really perked up when I told him where I was going. He keeps talking about the Derby game â&#x20AC;&#x201C; I didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t think Derby were in the Premier League. Caulker shows me around his favourite places in Swansea and we sit in the car outside Ashley Williamsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; house for hours. When Caulker stops crying we head back east.

Stop by stadium and meet new ticket office staff â&#x20AC;&#x201C; one of them has Bluebirds tattoo on his neck. I tell him to change it to dragon or go back to prison. Tuesday Played with my new Lego set all day, built model of new stadium and sent it to architect telling him to replicate it EXACTLY or there will be trouble. Took me a long time to paint all the blue bricks red, but if you want a job done properly do it yourself. Surprised Malky by turning up at his house for dinner with haggis and buckfast. Mrs Mackay seems angry and shouts at me in some strange language â&#x20AC;&#x201C; Scottish I think. We have long talk about football and he agrees to think about my plan for a 2-4-4 formation. Wednesday Attend training â&#x20AC;&#x201C; players have banter with me, they call me â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;the wanker,â&#x20AC;&#x2122; which they tell me means â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;great man.â&#x20AC;&#x2122; Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s good to know they respect me, canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t wait to tell them about the statue of me thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll be built soon.

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Resetting The Password "Sorry, your password has been in use for 30 days and has expired - you must register a new one." swans "Sorry, too few characters." pretty swans "Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character." 1 pretty swan "Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces." 1prettyswan "Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters." 1bloomingprettyswan "Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character." 1BLOOMINGprettyswan "Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively." 1BloomingPrettySwan "Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters." 1BloomingPrettySwanshovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightBloomingNow! "Sorry, you cannot use punctuation." 1BloomingPrettySwanshovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightBloomingNow "Sorry, that password is already in use." As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!" Left: Ashley’s new shoes, great for clearing up at the back!!! Right: The bubble trip explained in one picture

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The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as Euro-English (Euro for short). In the first year, ‘s’ will be used instead of the soft ‘c’. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard ‘c’ will be replaced with ‘k.’ Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome ‘ph’ will be replaced by ‘f’. This will make words like ‘fotograf’ 20 per sent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent ’e’s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing ‘th’ by ‘z’ and ‘W’ by ‘V’. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary ‘o’ kan be dropd from vords kontaining ‘ou’, and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

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We managed to get hold of this recording via the freedom of information act. This is a recording between Theresa May, home Secretary and Cardiff City’s new head of recruitment Alisher Apsalyamov. May: For the purpose of the tape, I am here with Alisher Apsalyamov with who we believe is here under a false pretence. Can you confirm your name? Apsalyamov: Alisher Apsalyamov May: You have been brought to our attention through your supposed current employment, can you confirm this. Apsalyamov: I am currently head of recruitment at Cardiff City Football Club.

May: You are currently head of recruitment at Cardiff City Football Club and could you also confirm for the tape, your first job which you gained here in the U.K? Apsalyamov: I came to the U.K as a painter and decorator.

Apsalyamov: I painted my Dads shed and I helped paint my Uncles living room with some assistance. May: So ‘some experience’ wouldn’t really be selling your painting and decorating CV short then? Apsalyamov: Probably not, no. May: So you furthered your, lets say, limited experience in this field while in this country. What job did you get here? Apsalyamov: I was fortunate enough to get a job in Cardiff City Football Club May: As a painter and decorator? Apsalyamov: That is right, yes. May: and was this an advertised post? Were there a huge number of CVs for the club to choose from? Apsalyamov: I’m not sure; you will have to ask Vincey. May: Vincey? Apsalyamov: I mean Mr Tann

May: And do you have much experience in the painting and decorating trade? Apsalyamov: Some experience yes May: Any examples? You see, the U.K is happy to accept extraordinary people into the UK in all manors of fields. Should you be the greatest painter and decorator in the world, should you of previously re-painted the Sistine Chapel, or provided a perfect replica to Vincent Van Gough’s sunflowers then we would be only too happy to welcome you into the country, I’m just trying to gage quite how much experience you have as a painter and decorator?

May: Do you know whether you replaced a previous painter and decorator at the club? Is this common practice to have an employed painter and decorator at a football club; if so, how badly experienced was the guy you replaced? I imagine that most football clubs would outsource the work. Surely it can’t be a full-time job? Apsalyamov: I don’t know, you will have to talk to Vin..I mean Mr Tann May: You don’t know how much you worked? Apsalyamov: I wasn’t in that role for very long.

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May: No, I understand that, because you went from being a rather under-experienced painter and decorator to Head of recruitment. Could you please explain this role to me. Apsalyamov: It involved scouting and bringing in new players to the football club. May: Yes, I gathered that. I am not very up on football, in fact I find it quite tedious but I understand that Cardiff City spent around ÂŁ25 million over the last few months on the kind of new players that you are soon to be overseeing. Forgive me for keep asking the same question but what sort of experience do you have in the football game? Apsalyamov; I played for my school when I was younger and I have experience working with Cardiff city football club. May: As a painter and decorator? Apsalyamov: well, yes. May: As I said previously, we only accept the very best of people to come into this wonderful small Island of ours. Apsalyamov: It is wonderful. May: Why thank you, now I look at the overseas applicants which we have accepted recently into this country who have applied for jobs in the football industry. Taking out those applications for playing the sport, I have a very small list :Mauricio Pochettino: Capped 20 times for Argentina, previously managed Espanyol Manuel Pellegrini: Capped 28 times for Chile and managed Real Madrid amongst others. Gustavo Poyet: FA Cup winner, capped 26 times for Uruguay And then we have your application which basically says painted your Dads shed, watched professionals paint your uncles living room and then paint some changing rooms and played football in school. Do you think that you are an exceptional person in this field who should be allowed to work in this country? Apsalyamov: I think that is up to my employer to decide and time will tell. It took Alex Ferguson 4 years to be accepted at Manchester United. May: Again, I know very little about this sordid world of football and it seems quite likely that neither do you but was Alex Ferguson a painter and decorator before being appointment manager of Manchester United? psalyamov: Not as far as I know

because of the size of the club. Swansea are a big club and have got the fan base, they were struggling when I arrived in league 2 at the time but when I got there I couldn’t believe the fan base.

Matty: Well John Cornforth said when he’s in the bedroom with Jane he has a beard then.

so who? I speak with Tatey and Roberto quite a bit still.

trying to make sense of his questions. Matty says he was top bloke and he was a great player for us.

P.c We’ll go for that then

NO JOB TOO SMALL Do you keep in touch with any of the swans players if Massive thanks to Paul for putting up with Matty and If Harry Potter has magical powers why does he need glasses? I haven’t got a clue do you normally get answers for that? We do usually get answers, they are not usually very good answers but they are usually about as good as the question Ask me another one I will come back to it

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May: Let’s assume not. Moving on: Are you in a sexual relationship with Mr Tann?

notes anywhere. Not that it makes any difference of course but how wealthy?

Apsalyamov: Pardon?

Apsalyamov: Let’s just say that I wasn’t representing a comprehensive school when I made my school football appearances.

May: It isn’t a very difficult question; do you have sexual intercourse with Mr Tann?

May: So you have played football at the very challenging level of private education?

Apsalyamov: No, of course not May: You see, we see this from time to time, quite often in fact, where somebody is promoted far beyond their experience and 99% of the time it is because the director of that business has a sexual interest with that person. More common it would be a young, pretty, blonde but we have seen all sorts here and we are not here to judge. Well in fact judge is exactly what I’m here to do but solely on whether you should be staying in this country as an exceptional person who benefits this country. Apsalyamov: I have never had any sexual dealings with Vincey.. I mean Mr Tann. May: I am finding all of this very difficult to understand. I cannot accept you into this country on behalf of your painting and decorating experience, we have some outstanding painter and decorators already in this country for example the exceptional painter and decorator J.V Davies in Cockett, Swansea (nice plug there – advertise in Jack Swan magazine, you get looked after). I also can’t accept you into this country as an exceptional person in the football industry on the back of your few games for the school side. I am very sorry but I cannot see how I can possibly give you the permission to work in this country.

Apsalyamov: You could say that yes. May: So here we have a young, ambitious man, entering a position which is generally taken by older, less enthusiastic robots that are unwilling to take on new ideas. You are eager to learn and with time on your hands, clearly have the potential to be one of the greatest ever statesmen of their field. Well, that is the exact sort of person which makes this country great. Whereas many would feel out of their depth, you see a challenge and I would be doing this country an injustice if I was to not grant you permission to excel in your chosen field. I am very happy to award you the ability to work in the U.K. You are free to go and it has been an absolute pleasure to meet with you. Apsalyamov: Thank you very much May: You are most welcome. This card may or may not be of interest to you. Apsalyamov: Conservative Party Donation Card?

Apsalyamov: Did I mention that I am from a very wealthy background?

May: Any donations are thankfully received and help us stay in these positions of power to help the good people of this country like you. Apsalyamov: I’ll see what I can do. Just to confirm - This never happened

May: No, that’s not in my

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P�n�� But��r� C��is�ma�

With the prospect of upsetting Terry Williams once more, I’m talking food here. Christmas is fast approaching and this year I foolishly said that I would do the cooking. Not the greatest cook (slight understatement) and slightly daunted of turning Christmas lunch into a plan B of tinned soup, I fancied a trial run and popped to Ponty Butchers for Clint to sort me out. So he hands over, just shy of 3kg of Turkey, stuffed with sausage meat and rapped in bacon and away I went. I don’t understand why anyone wouldn't use their local butchers. I find them cheaper than Supermarkets and so superior in quality it is ridiculous. You can squeeze 8 rations of supermarket bacon on a frying pan after the water has evaporated the very second it sees the pan and I find all Supermarket meat shrinks at the sight of a cooker. A good quality Butcher is worth its weight in gold and I’m very lucky to live near the Best Butcher in South Wales (not just my word – the Royal Welsh agree).

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A beast of a man on the pitch and yet known famously in these parts more for his Banana skills rather than his football skills. Matty got hold of Julian Alsop to talk all things Swans and Banana…. What was your best moment for the swans? Staying in quid’s inn all night, normally I got kicked out so that was probably my best moment, going in and actually staying all night. All jokes aside staying in a nice club for more than two hours probably. What was your worst moment for the swans? The next morning probably? To be honest the worse moment was probably waking up next to some right ones, so yeah your right: the wrong ones I woke up next to. Do you have any hard feelings towards the swans? No the fans were fantastic. I was a little guttered when I left, I was third or fourth in the queue when we won the league and they’d already given the money away to roger and Boundie, so next time if I had my chance I would definitely be in the queue before Boundie. Who was the best player you’ve played with in your career? A lad called Tony Naylor who played for port vale and stoke city, I played with him at Cheltenham and we scored a lot of goals together. The mad thing is John Hollins tried to sign him because he thought we would make a good partnership but Tony wouldn’t move to Swansea. The best player you’ve played against? Alan Curtis in training, He’s still ageless, he sat people on their arse. You can’t fault that to be fair can you? Have you got any funny stories from your time at the

swans? Andrew Mumford said to ask something about you driving up to Cheltenham naked? I used to drive from Swansea to Cheltenham then one day, basically me and Mickey Howard were on the phone to each other and he’s asked ‘what are you doing?’ I told him I was driving down the M50 naked. I also drove to Forest Green once I was suspended (shock), one of the lads said can you drive the car down so I said ‘yeah no problem’. I was driving down the M5, I got bored in this convertible car. I basically pulled over to the side of the road took the top down on the car, phoned up the lads on the coach told them to look out the side of the bus. At that time the chairman was on there, the manager was on there, the staff and the directors, we were having a bit of a sh*t time so I thought I would cheer them up. So I just drove past b*llock naked. The chairman didn’t know whether to laugh, cry, sack me or what. So when I got to Exeter I hid the car and I told the lad whose car it was that it was in about 5 or 6 different car parks, it took him about an hour and a half to find his car. I’ve got a few stories about Andrew Mumford. His first day he rolls in with John Hollins. Hollins signed Walter Boyd the old Smokey dopey, Tom Mutton and when Tom Mutton turned up, I thought he was Walter Boyd because they turned up about the same time but there was a bit of banter going on in the changing room and basically John Hollins has opened the door and there is me, Richie Appleby and about six others having a fight in the changing rooms

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over a pair of boots that had been cut up and Mumf was stood there not knowing what to do - bless him. The other one was he come on loan to Oxford to try and get fit and after about twenty days Curts phoned me up and says how’s Andrew Mumford doing at Oxford? He hadn’t been for three weeks, he turned up for two days and never turned up again, he was sitting at home the fat sod, and he’s probably wearing the same leather sofa. He used to wear a leather jacket that looked like a leather sofa.

Who was the longest in the shower? I would say Johnny Coates, fair play his Missus must have taken some hammering. How do you think the swans will do this year? I think all jokes apart, being sensible I think they will finish in the top 8, I think between 9 and 6. I think they have had a tough start and their playing in Europe but I think sometimes the manager is just seeing his contract out diplomatically because sometimes you think he could change it a bit but he doesn’t seem to do it. But I think he’s done an amazing job, fantastic what he’s done. Do you still keep in touch with any of the Swans players if so who? I do but only because John Coates stalks me. He’s looking for his banter, he lost it a few years back and he thinks he’s left it in Cheltenham but yes, him, martin Thomas, Matthew Bound, Jason Smith. I batter Roger Freestone on Facebook everyday. Jack Swan interviewed Roger tonight, he’s in Jack

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Swans list of top 10 jack b’s. Do you have a few words about Rodger? Not nice ones anyway. Roger Freestones party trick used to be before a game he’d go to the toilet with his goalkeeper gloves. Wipe his arse with his gloves and go and shake the other goalkeepers hands, that’s how wrong that man is. He’s robbed every hotel, his house is like Marriot house or something because he robbed every hotel we ever stayed in, he robbed the TV’s: everything. We had to go back to a hotel in Southend, we had to go back to the hotel about 30 miles away because he hadn’t got the TV controller for his kids birthday, fucking shocking! I was told before that you had turned up for training in your fishing gear? Basically it used to piss down every day in Swansea and it probably still does now and I was getting sick to death of the training kit and I can’t remember where I got it from but I found one of them fishing men suits with the yellow trousers and yellow cap and I trained in that. It was probably the best training session I had to be honest. In training I couldn’t train because I wanted to smash everybody, I wanted to train the way I played in matches and you can’t do that with your team mates. I kidnapped the youth team once, they were on a mini bus and I kidnapped them and took them down the mumbles, Rob Malton went absolutely mental. The three years I was there we just had banter, swapping number plates on peoples cars, hiding them in the multi story car park across from the vetch. The other big things for me since they have moved ground is what’s happened to the

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sex shop next to the vetch? That was making a fortune off all the lads so god knows what’s happened to that. But apart from that, 3 nice words for roger freestone? No fat sod! no love him to bits and he knows it. What happened with the banana incident is it something you regret? I don’t regret it, it never happened how it was reported, basically what happened was the lad told me to f*ck off and I said you don’t want to be telling me to f*ck off and he said ‘why what are you going to do about it?’ He came for me so I chinned him. There was a banana there, so I rubbed it in his face and I walked out of the room and there was about 6 or 7 lads there who started whipping him with towels, but I’m old school and they said if you cant be arssed to find out who the other people were whipping him with a towel then they were going to suspend me and they asked if I had any questions and I said yes am I on full pay? And they said yes so I said ok give me a call in a couple of weeks. The only regret I have is the lad was out for four months because when I hit him he fell back and he was out for four months, but if he hadn’t of done his knee in I probably wouldn’t of been banned but that’s how the FA act, if he’s out for four months then you will be, but as I say it didn’t happen how it was reported in the paper but why worry about it?

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There have been huge calls for Phil Sumbler to be on our list for top ten JB’s, too early to give away whether he will be or not but we caught up with him to chat about the Swans and his latest book. Can you remember your first Swans game? How did you come about going? I remember the game and I always used to believe it was against Birmingham but that much I don’t think was true. Anyway, we won the game 1-0. I had been taken to the game by my sister and her boyfriend at the time – who is now my brother in law. My sister is ten years older than me so I think it was probably punishment to take her kid brother to the football and spoil her hot date (assuming you can have a hot date at the Vetch) Little did they know that night what they were starting but I know I was hooked from that moment. Who is the best player you have seen wear the Swans shirt? Alan Curtis is the answer here – I would have seen Curt playing in this generation he would have been worth tens of millions. To me he had it all and I guess growing up watching him is something that you never forget. Robbie James was another hero of mine and in modern times it was brilliant watching Lee Trundle in his prime – people underestimate the importance he played in our rise to where we are now as well.

I’m guessing that few people have been able to monitor the rise in the interest in the football club better than you have been able to through your Planet Swans forum. How has it expanded, wow us with some figures.. I took over JackArmy.net in the summer of 2001 and that eventually evolved into Planet Swans. Back then we used to probably get around 3000 page views per day. Petty being here increased traffic massively and I remember the night he went there were hundreds on the message board into the early hours celebrating. Now we get around 100,000 page views per day from all over the world and the site ha provided some brilliant moments watching the Swans. You have been involved with a few books. You have a new one out in conjunction with the supporters trust, what is it all about? It tells the story of the history of the Swans Trust. The club has come a massive way with our input and we felt it was important to tell that story to the supporters. It looks in detail at the Petty era probably in more detail than ever told before and I genuinely believe every Swans fan should have a copy and read on a regular basis of how important the trust is to the club and our long term future.

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it. I have never experienced emotion like that particular game and I never want to experience that sick to the bottom of my stomach feeling I had when we were 2-1 down. Having said that I know that it was rock bottom at that point in time so I guess its one of those experiences Whenever you try to restrict to just 100 players then you that you had to suffer to know just how good things feel at are always going to have some that could have been this point in time. I laugh when I leave the Liberty and included that miss out. It was no difference on the book people say things like ‘if we can’t beat teams like West Ham but thankfully Keith (Haynes) and myself never fully fell out over anyone. That picture of Lee I actually took myself there really is no hope’ There was no hope that season for a while but we survived and we are all the better for it. from the North Bank the night of the last game at the Vetch against Wrexham.

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We are interviewing Roger Freestone for this issue as one of our 10 Jack B’s, I’m guessing that you would of worked closely with him when working on his book, tell us a funny story about him

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Roger is one of lifes great characters and he is a fantastic bloke. We had some massive fun writing his book and working on his testimonial and Keith and I spent a few days with him once when he was with the Wales squad at the Vale of Glamorgan. He told us a story that involved Steve Jones sleeping, a toilet roll and Roger smearing something that came from his backside on the toilet roll and placing it next to Steve for when he woke up. He had tears in his eyes telling us that story and I am sure you get the picture without me needing to draw it. He is sadly missed at this club is Roger. Its also not a funny story but when we were pulling together auction items for his testimonial we bought a few Wales shirts to get them signed. At one of the training sessions we asked him to get it signed by Ryan Giggs. Roger looked horrified and simply said ‘you can’t ask him mun, it’s Ryan Giggs’ Humility so sadly lacking in many.

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F�n� S�� F�� Ra�� t� Pl�� Ye�� Our ‘Race to Player of the Year’ page has been a near impossible page in previous months, with many great players to choose from. This issue though, I have a different difficulty. Who on earth deserves to be on this list? So I thought I’d mix it up a bit, these players are those who I think are most desperate for a bit of form. Chico: Just not looked good all season. Being a calm, arrogant and slightly mental personality is great when you’re playing well but can leave you looking quite foolish when not. He is clearly not a leader, he needs someone like Ashley Williams alongside him and I don’t think he has the attributes to nurture the likes of Amat and help them with his game. A quality player without any doubt. Desperately needing a good run of performances though. JDG: Score a screamer or two and the lazy tabloid journalists call you a side’s best player and treble your value. I was a huge fan of the Dutch international, this time last season I would of happily broke the bank to secure his signature but for me he has been poor ever since Wembley. His lack-luster and cowardly attempt of a tackle with Jack Wilshere was embarrassing and centre midfield is certainly not a position to hide away. I did like him, I want to like him but I have to see more passion and desire. Routledge: A weird one this. Was one of my players of the season last year and would basically guarantee us a chance created every game. For whatever reason, it just isn’t happening for him this year. I’m not totally convinced he’s happy with the world. His tap-in against ST Gallon was barely celebrated and he’s just not at the races. I’m hoping it is simply that he hasn’t got up and running yet because I’m a massive fan of his and was one of my first names on the team sheet last season. These three are top quality players, who on their day could represent their chosen country and push to get in most sides in Europe. I have faith, dig down, look hard and get back to that same sort of quality which has had all three of you in our ‘Race to Player of the year’ before now. My god this is a negative issue isn’t it, complaints at the ready.

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