Issue 42 by Jack Swan

Calm Calm down down people. people. It isn’t It isn’t going going to happen!!! to happen!!!

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b)b) Garry Monk gets sacked Garry Monk gets sacked b) Garry b) Garry Monk Monk gets gets sacked sacked

Calm down people. going toto happen!!! Calm down people. Itisn’t isn’t going happen!!! Calm Calm down down people. people. ItIt isn’t It isn’t going going to happen!!! to happen!!!

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Editorial 4: Race to Player of the Year 6: Tates Tales 8: What would it take 16: Swans Eleven 22: Fantasy Football 34: Plan Z 36: Corruption in FIFA 38: The Top 2 Inches 40: Picture Quiz 42: Jokes By Spense 44: Mel’s Memories 50: Pictures Of The Month54: Jack Swan Awards Night 46: Bev Rock Art 58: More From Spense 60: Vital Information 64: Not Darran!!! 66: Mind Puzzles 68: Wanna-be-pro Golfer 70:

Editorial Race to Player of the Year Tates Tales What would it take Swans Eleven Fantasy Football Plan Z Corruption in FIFA The Top 2 Inches Picture Quiz Jokes By Spense Mel’s Memories Pictures Of The Month Jack Swan Awards Night Bev Rock Art More From Spense Vital Information Not Darran!!! Mind Puzzles Wanna-be-pro Golfer

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Jack Swan Tries

82 86: 90: 92: 94: 96: 98:

Jack Swan Eats Food 82 Jack Swan Eats Food Do Not Go Gentle 86: Do Not Go Gentle How To Advertise! 90: How To Advertise! Swaning Around The 92: UniversSwaning Around The Univers Secret Breakfastear 94: Secret Breakfastear Parentless Parenting 96: Parentless Parenting Quiz Answers 98: Quiz Answers

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It is all doom and gloom isn’t it!! Appalling!! 3-0 at home to Arsenal? It is a disgrace!! Sack the manager!! Beat someone up!!!! Do something for god sake!!! This isn’t fair!!!!

Have a go at Fabianski; behind de Gea he was the best keeper in the league last year but his effort for second goal was poor but I could just about go with that.

Toys and pram and throwing things come to mind. Is it just me or is it hard not to get really annoyed with people? Sometimes you are driving your car and the car in front doesn’t indicate properly and it just winds you up! Other times you are calmly waiting in a queue when some idiot in front takes ten minutes counting out their coppers before realising that they have to pay by card and then remember that they forgot to pick up an orange which is the other side of the bleeding shop and you’re standing there waiting for the idiot to get their chosen fruit.

But Monk? For that game? Why?? He got tactics right, picked right team, I was happy with our squad at start of season; what did he do wrong? Why him?

But then there is football and there are more idiots involved in football than in any supermarket or on any road at any one time. They are first class idiots!! Monk out facbook status’s? Bookies saying that he’s under pressure. Madness!!!! It is all the spoilt child syndrome. Something hasn’t gone my way and I want to blame someone, I can’t blame Mammy this time and so I need to blame someone else! Our first half performance against Arsenal was outstanding; it was as good as we have played for a long, long time. We didn’t take our chances and then conceded a couple of weak goals, frustrating? Yeah of course and I felt that too but I don’t see the need to instantly blame someone for it but even if I did; should it be Monk? Have a pop at Gomis! A bit harsh, he’s going through a poor run of form, probably wants an arm around him but I can understand those taking the frustration out on him.

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Have a pop at the Captain of Wales; he’s regularly our best player, he is one of the best defenders in the league but his marking of Giroud was appalling; I could just about understand if you gunned for him.

I ask why but I know why; Idiots in football!! Idiots and spoilt kids and they seem to breed quicker than anywhere else, they multiply overnight and before you know it, you are surrounded by them. We are going through a rough patch by our high standards, I hoped that we could push on and had ambitions of finished top 6 and even top 4. That looks unlikely now but those ambitions were being very ambitious; should I demand it? Should I expect it? No; because that would mean being an idiot. We spent less money than any other club over the last summer transfer window. We aren’t one of the biggest clubs in the league; we have no right to demand a top eight finish just because we had one last season. We are an incredibly well run club from the top down and thankfully our chairman isn’t one of the many idiots in football. Imagine if he was, imagine if he was rash and threw his toys out of the pram like others; we’d be like Cardiff or Newcatsle or Leeds. Thankfully the idiots in Swansea are merely on facebook and our chairman isn’t one of them. I have full faith in Monk and I trust Huw’s decision more than anything else. If Monk gets sacked this season I will put Craig Bellamy holding a Cardiff scarf as a front cover!! It isn’t going to happen; now if you’re an idiot please go and play candy crush or something and stop spoiling football. Cheers

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6 Race to Player of the Year I carefully avoided doing this in the last issue as it was a real struggle to do and it hasn’t been too easy this issue either. Every single player deserved to be in here in the first month; itisn’t so easy now but here goes;1st Andre Ayew You can be as down as you like about our recent performances but this guy is something seriously special and has been a real find. It is his work rate which I really like about him, he tracks back and commits himself to everything, I’d love to see stats of which players have won the ball back the most in the opponents half of the field because he seems to be regularly pinching the ball from defenders; it is as though they think they can easily pass him but never do. His goals have been very welcome and he always plays the game as it should be; smile on his face and he’s a fabulous player to watch. Who knows what is written in his contract? It is rare that a player of his ability signs on a free contract without a clause which would allow an easy route out of the club but for the meantime lets enjoy having a top, top player at the club. 2nd Jonjo Shelvey For anyone who follows me on facebook, I’m not putting this man in here just to keep Tim Rendall happy although I’m sure he’s outraged that he’s only number two!!! His first half performance against the Gunners was out of this world, he battered their midfield to oblivion. He made one mistake that half; 45 minutes of football and he’s a high risk player and one mistake is insane. Nobody can keep that level up all the time and he clearly hasn’t but overall he is playing some great football at the moment. I like him alongside Ki, I know the Jonjo-Cork combo is what lots like but Ki brings a balance to the side and gives Jonjo more room as Ki is a dangerman himself too. Nailed on for the Euros as things stand and how exciting is that although we know that means he will be gone in the summer at the latest! 3rd Ashley Williams He would have been second but for his shocking attempt to mark Giroud at the corner. I’d far prefer to see my centre half get a penalty against them for being too rough rather than giving a striker a free header 6 yards out; get close, get physical and let them know you are there!!! He has just gone off the boil ever since Wales conceded those goals in the qualifying campaign but before then he was the best defender in the league by some way. He started the season so well and we really want to get him back to that top form. It hasn’t helped that Federico has been poor alongside him, I’ve been a huge fan of the Argentinean but he’s not been at the races of late.

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Tates Tales

Our second instalment with Alan Tate sees him talking about his second season with the club. You came back on loan for a second time, was that an easy decision? Yeah, really easy. Because I went back obviously and had hopes that I could get into the united first team. I started pre-season in the first team and I had two games for the first team in pre-season, done well in one, not well in the other and I then started the season in the reserves. I didn’t want to be there, as soon as I knew that I was in t he reserves, when I was playing reserve friendlies and then the reserve season I knew straight away that I didn’t want to be there. I wanted to go and play football and it was always, for some reason Swansea that I wanted to go to.

It’s one of those things that you will never know but obviously not! I obviously wasn’t good enough to make the grade there at the first team level but just because you’re not good enough there doesn’t mean that you can’t have a good career away from it. A lot of people have the feeling that when they leave a big club that they are not good enough to play football which is bollocks really. You signed for the club on a permanent basis. Were there other options? Yeah, Coventry being the main one. Coventry were in the championship at that time but I wanted to go somewhere where I knew the manager, I knew the place, I knew the lads and I wanted to feel comfortable and that is what I did and obviously now it was a good choice.

When did you realise (and I ask this cautiously) that you wasn’t good enough to play for Man United? I don’t think there was ever a feeling that I wasn’t good enough. They brought Rio Ferdinand in and they had Wes Brown, John O’shea; there were a lot of people ahead of me and that was just one of those things. Obviously looking back now you realise that you wasn’t good enough but there wasn’t one moment where I thought that I wasn’t. Probably my only one regret in football is that I didn’t get to play a first team game, an official first team game. You say that quite blasé there that you weren’t good enough. Were you definitely not? Does a party of you think that if you were given that chance, thrown in the deep end alongside those quality players that maybe you could have been?

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Tates Tales

And that decision there, was that you yourself or you and the family? Myself, it was a strange one I joined in the February but at the back end of January when I went in to see the manager of united and said ‘look what’s the situation?’ and he said he would let me go. My Mam and Dad came down and we were at the Trafford centre and we got there it was covered in snow. We came out and the bit behind the car in the Trafford centre was the only bit that didn’t have snow on it and there was a key ring on the floor and you couldn’t see what it was and my dad went down to pick up the key ring and it was a Swansea kit. And you’re thinking, how the f&ck has that happened? it could be anywhere and I’ve parked in a massive shopping centre, parked here and there is a Swansea key ring right under my car, it was just weird. I don’t believe in fate and all that but it’s just weird DID YOU LOSE A KEY RING IN THE TRAFFORD CENTRE A DECADE AGO? GET IN TOUCH; And it was Kenny Jacket who signed you on a permanent basis, I forget this, I thought it was Flynn.

So what was that like when he left? I was gutted, he was the one who brought me in, he brought me in on loan twice, he was the one who gave me first team football so for me he gave me a two and a half year contract when not many people did in that league and I was gutted, I still remember the day that he got sacked. From what I gather, Jacket was a lot more demanding, training wise and is arguably the unsung hero in our rise and rise of, is that fair? Yeah, he was what we needed at the time. I think it was well documented that me and him didn’t get on at the time because I was young, think I was 20 when I joined the club. I didn’t really know the game, I thought my loyalties lay with Brian and the first time I met Kenny he shook my hand and I didn’t stand up, I sat down

No it was Flynny, And that is why I should never actually take this job seriously and research anything; I thought so, whatever i looked at on eth internet earlier said otherwise but I trust your memory I signed full time in the February and flynny went in the march

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Tates Tales

which he wasn’t happy with and I was in and out of the team that year; the year that we got promoted obviously me and him didn’t see eye to eye. If Brian hadn’t given me a two and a half year deal then come the end of the season Kenny would have released me, I know he would have. Even with a year left on contract he gave me the chance to go to oxford and he said that I’d be second choice centre half or right back and that it was up to me, I could fight for my place or go on a free contract to oxford. I said that I’d stay.

your first full season, a big difference to the previous years. How did that feel, compared to the hull game?

So why did you stay?

Not as intense, I got left out of the squad at Bury. I was up there but Kenny left me out of the squad, obviously after the game you are chuffed for the lads, your pissed off that you weren’t involved but the guys took priority and they went out and got the result. It just wasn’t as intense though really, there was no big 24 hours printed in the evening post, saying that it’s all about the Swans destiny. Win lose or draw that game, it was never going to cost us

Something in me that I wouldn’t quit. I wanted to prove people wrong

because it wasn’t in our hands was it? We were forth going into last game?

Could you see the club progressing? I don’t for one minute think you’d have believed we could be where we are now but did you think the club was on the up?

I don’t think so, it was never as intense because the consequence of losing that game wasn’t as big. The hull game is and always will be the biggest game this club will ever, ever play because the consequence of losing it was not worth thinking about.

You could see the progression off the pitch with the new stadium being built and that was about it really. When Kenny came in, he got us promoted and I felt that league one would suit me better being a better footballer. Leon as well, he was in and out of the team that year too, think me and Leon spoke quite a bit there and I always felt that me and him would do better in a higher league but you obviously couldn’t see the progression to the premier league, nobody could see that We got promoted in

What happened with Big Willy up at Bury? You must have some stories of then? I remember him being on the stand above a little roof and I know gig lane pretty well because I used to play reserve games there and there is a glass kind of box and a stand above it and I remember Willy standing on top of a roof and a copper going ‘get back, get back’ and Willy saying something

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Tates Tales

back to him and the copper saying something back and then Willy saying something and then you could see a few coppers going to arrest him and none of them could get hand cuffs on him because his hands were so big but they got it on him in the end and led him downstairs and Kenny is chasing them trying to get him back but they are having none if it and stick him in the car and take him to police station.

A massive thanks once again to Mr Alan Tate for his time. We have many more stories to come as we look at every season that he played for the club. Send us your pics of you with the main man!!!

We are in changing rooms, celebrating, drinking and getting our gear together to head back to Swansea and we get back on the bus and Kenny says we have to pick Willy up and the boys are going ‘f&ck Willy, he shouldn’t have got arrested’ because we wanted to get back and get on piss but we went to Tesco, got a load of drinks and waited for him and got wasted on way back instead. He took it well which is unusual for him because he’s a miserable bugger. Did you know that at the end of that season you were 21 and had already played 83 games for the club? Leon Britton was also 21 and played 108! No I didn’t know that. Leon signed earlier for me but yeah that’s a good amount of games for that age yeah.

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What would it take?

I’m starting to get annoyed about the stupidity of football. It is the twenty eighth of the tenth month of the year which is foolishly called ‘October’, The ‘oct’ implies that it would be the eighth month and it once was before a couple of big headed Romans wanted a month named after them and July (Julius Ceaser) and August (Augustus) made September, October, November and December into stupidly named months!!! You see, this magazine is educational; take one home for your kids!!! Anyway, I write this on that date and last night Chelsea lost on penalties to Stoke in the League cup, only a few days after losing to West Ham in the Premier league. I was curious to see what the bookies made of this and so googled ‘the sack race’. Steve Mc

Claren was top (10 or so matches into his new job), Jose was second (10 or so matches after winning the Premier League) and then I was appalled to see our very own Garry as the third favourite to lose his job according to the bookies. The media seem to jump on things and love to put pressure on managers but it got me thinking; what would it take for me to want to see the back of him. In this scenario below, when do you fire the man who has spent less money than any other manager in the league and last season guided us to our best ever Premier League campaign? Norwich 2 – 0 Swansea. #sackgame1 A comfortable win for the Canaries who bossed the game after their early strike. Swansea looked in disarray from early on. Rangel was back in the starting eleven with Garry Monk seemingly confused as who is his best right back. There was no creativity in the Swansea side who managed just 32% possession throughout the game. Swansea team; Fabianski, Rangel, Fernandez, Williams, Taylor, Ki, Shelvey, Sigurdson, Montero, Ayew, Gomis Swansea 0 – 1 Bournmouth #sackgame2 Bournmouth pinched an unlikely win at the Liberty

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What would it take?

stadium as Swansea continue their poor form and their lack of goals. The home side never really got going and it took 84 minutes for them to record their first shot on target which was a tame effort from Jonjo Shelvey from 40 yards. Once again, Jack Cork remained on the bench as the manager attempts to install a bit of creativity into a side which is struggling for form. Swansea team; Fabianski, Rangel, Fernandez, Williams, Taylor, Ki, Shelvey, Sigurdson, Montero, Ayew, Gomis Liverpool 3 – 0 Swansea #sackgame3 A comfortable win for Liverpool and their new manager as pressure begins to increase on the Swansea manager. Swansea changed formation and it never really worked as they struggled to get any real possession. Cork came into the side to add a bit of steel into the midfield while Gomis dropped to the bench having not scored in his previous nine games. Swansea enjoyed a lot more possession in the match but never looked like scoring.

the wish list. Swansea team; Fabianski, Naughton, Fernandez, Williams, Taylor, Cork, Ki, Shelvey, Sigurdson, Montero, Ayew, Man City 6 – 0 Swansea #sackgame5 Sergio Aguero and Man City ran riot as ten man Swansea suffer the heaviest Premier League defeat. The Argentinian got behind the Swansea defence in the third minute and was brought down by a lacklustre Ashley Williams who was clearly the last man and the referee had no option but to send him off. Amat then replaced Sigurdson but ten man Swansea were never in the game from there. Swansea team; Fabianski, Naughton, Fernandez, Williams, Taylor, Cork, Ki, Shelvey, Sigurdson, Montero, Ayew,

Swansea team; Fabianski, Naughton, Fernandez, Williams, Taylor, Cork, Ki, Shelvey, Sigurdson, Montero, Ayew, Swansea 1 -1 Leicester #sackgame4 A much needed point for the under fire Swansea manager although the visitors will say that it was against the run of play. The 20 shots which Leicester had on target in the match was a record for any visiting side to the Liberty stadium and Ki’s equaliser came late on and from the home sides only corner of the match. January cannot come soon enough for Swansea and a striker will be on

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What would it take? Taylor, Cork, Shelvey, Ki, Sigurdson, Ayew, Gomis Crystal Palace 4 – 1 Swansea #sackgame8 The good news for Swansea is that they finally scored one but the bad news was that they were already four down before Montero came on for the consolation goal. It was poor from word go for the Swans who are clearly playing with no confidence at present. Swansea team; Fabianski, Naughton, Fernandez, Amat, Taylor, Cork, Shelvey, Ki, Sigurdson, Ayew, Gomis

Swansea 0 -2 West Ham #sackgame6 Andy Carroll notched up another two goals at the Liberty in seemingly easy fashion. Swansea, starting without Ashley Williams and were never really in the game and have now only 1 goal and 1 point in 6 matches. The crowd seemed anxious from the first minute as Swansea lie just one place out of the relegation zone. Gomis came back into the starting line-up with Ki giving way. Swansea team; Fabianski, Naughton, Fernandez, Amat, Taylor, Cork, Shelvey, Sigurdson, Montero, Ayew, Gomis Swansea 0 – 0 West Brom #sackgame7 The home side secured their first clean sheet since the middle of September in this battling performance although the point wasn’t enough to save them from dropping into the relegation zone. Montero was dropped and so the side played a tight game with little width which made for a dull game from word go. Swansea team; Fabianski, Naughton, Fernandez, Amat,

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Man Utd 4- 0 Swansea #sackgame9 Van Gaal finally gets his win over a poor Swansea side as Ashley Williams returns to the starting line after his suspension. Monk raised a few eyebrows with the team sheet as Fernandez made way for the skipper as Amat kept his place, raising speculation about the Argentineans’ move to Stoke. Swansea drift three points away from safety in the relegation zone and will be looking for some additions in the transfer window. Swansea team; Fabianski, Naughton, Williams, Amat, Taylor, Cork, Shelvey, Ki, Sigurdson, Ayew, Gomis Swansea 1 – 2 Sunderland #sackgame10 Sunderland came from behind to beat a very poor Swansea side in this relegation scrap as pressure amounts on the Swansea manager. Montero came back into the starting eleven and made an instant impact as his cross was met by Gomis who bundled it in, a much needed goal for the out of form striker but that was as far as the celebrations went as the away side dominated the ball and deservedly got the three points thanks to a brace from Jermain Defoe. Swansea team; Fabianski, Naughton, Williams, Amat, Taylor, Cork, Shelvey, Ki, Montero, Ayew, Gomis You sacked him yet?? Let us know when you would with the # thingy. It would take something this disastrous to even consider removing our main man but for the media and bookies to think that we are near that point now is insane. But then it is also insane to give a manager like McClaren money and then kick him out 3 months later, it is also insane to consider letting Jose go; it has clearly been an awful few months for the Chelsea boss but are they more likely to win the league next year with him or without him? And as for Monk; come on..........

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22 Swans Eleven This issue we get the Swans Eleven from Mr Lee Trundle.

Goalkeeper I would have to go with Roger. After what he has done for the club and how long he stayed there with us, through the bad times as well. He was always a class keeper and a great person to have in the team was Rodge. As such a big Swans man yourself, did you see the passion Roger had for the Swans straight away? Yeah of course with the older players who had been there for many years and he was someone who showed passion in a new squad to bring everyone together straight away. Centre Half, Monk and Williams. Has it surprised you to see how many Welsh caps Williams has or not? No it no surprise to me at all, I seen what he was like as a player and also in the dressing room. He is a leader on and off the field, so I am not surprised with what he has done for Swansea or what he has done for Wales no. Was management something you expected to see Garry get in to? Yes the same with Garry, I think we all knew he was always going to be in line for the manager. We did not know it was going to be this early but it is good to see him getting in and doing the job he’s doing. But especially as a player with the passion that he showed playing in every division for Swansea and now managing the club, shows that he should go down in history as someone

who has helped the club massively. Is Getting into the managerial side of things something that interests you in the future? Yeah definitely, I am enjoying my role as club ambassador now but in the future that is something I would love to do. Coaching with the swans and obviously management would be amazing but I think that is a long way away yet. Left Back; Do you know I am going to go with Kevin Austin; I think in the early years at Swansea he played a big part in us getting promoted in to division 2 and even in league 1 as well. He was always a tough defender so I am going to have to go with Kev. Austin has popped up with a few of the players best 11 at left back, what do you think made him stand out against some of the others? I just think he was solid all the time, he was an onset player. Same again he was great to have in and round the dressing room. He was a gentle giant, for me he was

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24 Swans Eleven someone who when he was in the team, you always felt safe with him in there.

Right back; I am going to go for Angel, with him coming through when he came to Swansea, he could hardly speak a word of English and to go through all the leagues and to be playing in the premiership now is brilliant, he’s a great defender. Jack Swan met up with Alan Tate for the magazine a few weeks back and one of the things he said about Angel Rangel when he first came to the club was that he was quite soft, he was going down quite easy in training as foreign players sometimes do. Was this something you saw? And has he impressed you how he has toughened up? That’s something that when you come to this country from the Spanish league its completely different it’s a learning curb for you. So once you come you have to adjust to that, and he has shown over the years that he can adjust brilliantly.

yourself? Yeah definitely I think he could have, with the ability he had. Left foot and right food and his work rate and tackling, I thought he had everything he was a great player. Left Wing; I am going to go for Nathan Dyer, I will put Nath out there, yet again the same with him. He has climbed the leagues with the Swans. I know he is out on loan now but for what he done for the Swans, he’s an exciting player and it was not that long ago he was being touted for an England call up. For me he is an exciting player and one I like to watch on the ball. Did it surprise you to see Dyer go out on loan? No it has not surprised me really, he was not at his best towards the end of last season and when you look at the players we have signed, players like Ayew, I think Nathan

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Right Wing; On the right I’m going to go with Andy Robinson. What he done for Swansea at the club, the seasons he was there he helped the club climb through the leagues. He was a great midfielder who not only created goals but chipped in with some important goals as well. Do you think Robbo is someone who could of played at a higher level like

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26 Swans Eleven has gone down in the pecking order slightly and I think it’s right for him to go out on loan because he wants to play football. I am going to go with Roberto in the middle, the same again really with Roberto, he done so much for the club as a player and then as a manager as well. He set that football style up that we have got today so without him I don’t know where we would be, he played a massive part in where we are now. When Roberto first came to the club obviously we were a lot lower down the leagues than where we are now but he strikes me as someone who would have been a big professional. Was he the same early on in

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the lower leagues? Yes massively he was someone who you definitely knew was going to be a manger. That was all he talked about, football that was his life. He never drank he never ate fast food he just lived and breathed football and you could see it straight away that was his life and to have someone with that passion, it ran through to the rest of you as well. I am going to Put Leon Britton in there alongside Roberto, I think you know that I don’t have to say anything for Leon really. He is going to get in to everyone’s team who has played with him at the swans because of the player that he is. When he first came to Swansea he

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28 Swans Eleven started out on the wing but what he has done for us, he has changed his style and for me in every division we have played he has been one of our best players. For me he has been the best player I have played with. When we signed Leon and Martinez the club was in a bad state and I remember fans in the North bank chipping money into buckets to pay towards their wages, did it surprise you at the time that we managed to keep these players? I think all those players came at the right time really; we were sort of getting out of that bad point and going back on the up really. Bryan Flynn signed players that brought the club on so for me I wasn’t surprised as for Leon it was a fresh start. He had played at West Ham but wasn’t getting games so he came on loan to Swansea and he has never looked back since, it’s been the best move of his career because look where he is now. My last midfielder is someone who I did not play that much with, I played with him when I came back on loan but I am going to go with Ferrie

Bodde. With the quality that he had I think a lot of Swans fans will look at Ferrie and say he has been one of the best players we ever had ability wise. With his passing and shooting and tackling, for me he was someone who when I watched him in training I felt that I would of loved to of played a lot more with him because I think he would of set me up with so many chances and got me so many goals with that ability. I know I didn’t play with him a lot but ability wise he has to get in there. If he was fit now do you think he would still be playing

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30 Swans Eleven for the Swans in the premiership? Definitely I think he could still do it with the ability he had, he is a game changer he is someone who can do something different to anyone else. For a striker I am going to have to go with Thomo, James Thomas. As Swansea fans, without James, would we have a football club today? He was the one who kept us in the football league with that hat-trick against Hull. The same again with Thomo when I came to the Swans we didn’t play a lot together but for me what he done for the football club at that time. Keeping us in the football league. When I played with him in training you could see he was a quality striker with his finishing as well so for me I am going to go with James. Subs I am going to go Bayo Akinfenwa because for me Bayo was probably the best striker that I played with, I thought we had the best partnership together, he was unlucky not to get in the 11 but just because of what Thommo done for the club I went with him. I would put Izzy Irikpen on the bench he was another great defender for the club, especially in the lower leagues. He had a lot of quality Izzy, so I will go with him. I am going to go with a winger for my last sub, I am going to go with Brad Maylett. When he first came on the scene he made a big impact at the club and he is someone I would of liked to see stay a lot longer. Do you think he was someone we didn’t see the best of at the swans? He signed the same year as you and

started with a bang but he didn’t stay to long in the end did he? I think he didn’t stay too long because he was my partner in crime out in wine street, I think Kenny Jackett came along and wanted to break that up a bit so I think that is why Bradd never stayed too long here. Looking at the Swans squad now is there any player you look at and think you would love to play with them? Yeah the one who stands out for me is Jonjo, as a forward he is a midfield player who always tries to play that killer pass that is going to play you in so to play with someone like that would have been brilliant. As I said with someone like Ferrie as well he’s the type of player that what create a lot of chances for you and make a lot of goals.

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32 Swans Eleven Who was the best manager you played with at the Swans? Bryan Flynn, I think for me Bryan Flynn was someone who let me go out and just enjoy my football and play with freedom on the pitch. Without him I would have never come and signed for Swansea so I owe a lot to Bryan for bringing me down here.

number of occasions in the magazine but he’s a really top bloke as you all know and he’s always happy to help us out here when he can and he’s the perfect ambassador for the club! Cheers again. Paintings by Stand Back Art

Did you take much convincing to sign for the Swans or was Bryan Flynn being at the club enough for you? It was because Bryan was here, I came down and I was shown about but I had made my mind up that I was going to sign for the Club. Bryan gave me my chance in league football and so to come and work with him again at Swansea, that was my main reason if I am being honest if it was any other manager who was here I would not have even considered it because Swansea was four hours from my home and I had just had a daughter who was 2, so without Bryan I would never have considered signing for the Swans A big thanks to Lee for this. I have said this on a

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34 Fantasy Football Blind faith got me nowhere last issue as Aled ran riot. A new tactic required after me picking 4 Swans players. Scores are now level at one month easch. October results; Aled: Hart 11, Dier 2, Payet 22, Vardy 27 Total 62 Jack Swan: Fabianski 8, Naughton 4, Montero 9, Gomis 6 Total 27 *Excluding games 31st October/1st & 2nd November (added onto Novembers) Send us your picks for November the end of October and we will print your options; info@jackswan.co.uk or 07880369545 or facebook twitter and all that jazz! (Using the fantasy.premierleague.co.uk sit) Aled Jones My 4 picks for October went well, although I don’t know what happened to Eric Dier Any Spurs fans know? Vardy has scored every game, Payet has been outstanding and Hart did ok. My 4 picks for November: GK - Hart (£5.7 Million) The Man City keeper is probably going to stay in my team all season. He’s currently the best in the league (in my opinion) and he’s got 2 home games this month - Liverpool & Southampton which are both winnable. Starts away to Villa. DEF - Galloway (£4.5 Million) This lad caught my eye playing against Arsenal. Everton have 2 away games this month - West Ham & Bournemouth, and a home game against Villa. I think he’s good enough to pick up a good few points. MID - Wijnaldum (£6.9 Million) Currently the only good thing about Newcastle is this guy. I can’t even guess at how to pronounce his name, but he picked up 32 points in 3 games and is very affordable. Bournemouth, Leicester & Palace up next =points in the bag. FWD - Vardy (£7.2 Million) I’m sticking with Vardy this month. The in-form Leicester striker is scoring for fun and should continue to build points for your team during November’s fixtures - Watford, Newcastle & Man U. £24.3 Million

Jack Swan: £23.3 million Myhill at West Brom 4.8 million Tony Pullis just keeps delivering, they don’t concede goals!! There was a slight panic at the start of the season when they let in a couple and with Lescott going I thought that maybe this was the season that Pulis’ magic ended but nope. Safe bet. Monreal at Arsenal 5.8 million Arsenal just aren’t conceding many goals. It is a bit like the George Graham days. Monreal gets forward well too and so he may well pinch an assist or two; maybe a goal; thinkhe has scored against us before now? Ayew Swansea 7.1 I fancy him to get a goal against either Norwich or Bournmouth; he’s a fantastic footballer and our most consistent one at the moment. Ighalo 5.4 Form striker; go with him! Watford are surprising me every bit as much as Leicester are. Hope nobody remembers my pre-season predictions.

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36 Plan Z Do you remember the time when we only had a plan A? It was really frustrating, we had this really good plan but if it didn’t work then we were stuck; completely incapable of thinking of any other options. The formation was guaranteed, the line-up was pretty damn predictable and the only thing which regularly changed was the form of Nathan Dyer. Well now we have twenty seven different plans but it brings with it a real problem; which one is plan A? There are two serious culprits for our complete confusion (and I’m leaving Garry out of this one). The first is Jack Cork. His arrival for about £2 million last winter was supposed to be a decent back-up option, after all we had Ki, Siggy and Jonjo who were all dynamite and there was no way that he was ever going to dislodge any of them!

started matched but could turn it on from time to time; he was the perfect guy sitting on your bench; a trump card but a bit of a gamble; an unknown quantity as they say. Then he destroyed Ivanovic in the first game of the season and totally embarrassed the boy Jamaat at Newcastle (why should I waste thirty second of my time checking google how to spell his name? just send a complaint in!! Go on!!!) He became undropable and quickly became our ‘dangerman’. The tactic changed to a very simple one ‘get the ball out left!’. We would get Gomis and Ayew in the box and just wait for the Ecuadorian to put it on a plate. The new Plan A? It was, for a game or two but I feel like we are a bit lost at the moment in truth. I don’t think the midfield really know what their plan is; is Gomis to come deep for the ball or should he stay as a focal point at all times? Is Ayew to stay out wide or join the Frenchman in the middle? Are the full backs overlapping? I feel like Monk is struggling to know who our first eleven are at the moment and with that, he doesn’t really know what our main game plan is. I have total faith in the guy and aren’t blaming him for the problem, I think it’s just the way it goes sometimes. He may need to make a decision and select eleven players and a formation and run with it for a few games in a row and see where that takes us though; he could even call it ‘Plan A’ but for now; your guess is as good as mine (and I don’t think our manager totally knows). Pictures By Simon Meyrick

And then he became the heart of that midfield towards the end of last season; he allowed Ki more freedom and was the link between defence and attack which only Leon does better. He anchored the team defensively adding a bit of discipline and steel to the team and he had that ability to simply recycle the ball which only (yep) sir Leon can better. A great problem to have and one which was cleverly fixed by the gaffa by changing from the 4-5-1 to a diamond of sorts (which wasn’t a diamond!! But you know what I mean! Problem solved? A new Plan A? Then there came the next headache; Jefferson Montero. This guy was an impact player, he would come off the bench and change matches. He struggled when he

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Is corruption in FIFA inevitable?

YES and you’d be corrupt if you were in it! Or maybe you are a far better human being than me, which may not be that difficult in reality but I am pretty certain that I could be easily convinced that I was worthy of a few treats if I managed to find myself in a slight position of power inside footballs governing body. I haven’t for a while (far too long ago to press charges!!) but in the past I used to quite enjoy robbing stuff from Tesco. I remember once, on one particularly fine sunny afternoon after a game at the Vetch. I went into Tesco in the city centre and picked up a shopping basket and loaded it with the best burgers, sausages, kebabs, some French stick, butter, ketchup, and some charcoal and simply walking out with it. Going to the beach, flipping the basket over and using it as the barbeque!

and if you were to set up a totally fictitious business ‘brand’ then you’d register it in a country with next to no taxation. That is football and that is only one ever so slight part of this corrupt and devious business and yet we expect the average Joe in football, the £25,000 a year office worker to be grateful for their deal. I’m sorry but I could quite easily convince myself that this entire fabrication of football is a joke, everyone is taking their biscuit and I want my share. Sepp Blatter has been the head of football for a generation and has clearly milked off a shed full of money. How much though? Wayne Rooney is on £15 million a year, every year. As head of FIFA, as the guy who

Naughty? Proud of it? I couldn’t give a s£it. At that moment in time they were destroying every community up and down the country, undercutting all competitors, using dirty tactics to bully councils into allowing them to open a new store to kill off any surviving small businesses from their previous store that opened three weeks earlier; they deserved it! It wasn’t stealing, there was no moral injustice and it wasn’t as though anyone was affected; I pinched my fair share of stuff from there over the years and I can honestly say that I felt not one ounce of guilt at any point and don’t to this day. So, put me at the centre of FIFA and offer me £10,000 to simply turn a blind eye at something and you may see me drive a car where the passenger side window works! Football is riddled with obscenities. The players are beyond belief now. Image rights; do you know what ‘image rights’ are? If Wayne Rooney gets £300,000 a week for playing football then he gets taxed £150,000 a week (basically). If Wayne Rooney gets paid £100,000 a week for playing football and £200,000 a week for ‘Image rights’ then he pays £50,000 a week taxes. You see, Image rights is the marketing ‘brand’ of Wayne Rooney and as a brand, it can be a business and as a business it can be registered anywhere in the world

organises everything in it, could you convince yourself that you are worthy of a tenth of one of the people who supposedly works under you? Footballers are pointing fingers but the whole game is responsible. I have never and would never steal anything from anywhere else but my conscience was fine with pinching from a greedy company which bullied others. Football has become the same, there are no morals within it and I wouldn’t think twice about pinching a few quid from the vile business that was once our wonderful game.

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The Top Two Inches

Philosophy is usually divided into three branches. There’s Natural Philosophy, which is now called Science. There’s Logic. And then there’s Ethics. Aristotle described Ethics as being a matter of virtue, of an ideal form of conduct that lay between two extremes. To take an example, bravery lies between cowardice and recklessness. So Ashley Williams displays virtuous conduct by wearing the armband and putting his head on everything because he’s at the happy medium between red card magnets like Cattermole, and the deeply tackle averse, like Carrick. Kant’s view on Ethics was famously described in his Categorical Imperative, which is a restatement of the Golden Rule: do as you would be done by. The trouble is that competitive sport isn’t especially compatible with politeness, and that guys like Ryan Shawcross exist. Finally, Mill considers Ethics to be a matter of outcome, of giving as much happiness to as many people as possible. Which may be why all games at Old Trafford used to last 102 minutes, and end with a penalty at the Stretford End. Sport and Ethics are not well met. Within hours of Brendan Rodgers being sacked, Lawro was explaining that it was not the results, but his continuous use of the word “outstanding” that Liverpool had tired of. EssenArborum halfwas page.ai 1 19/02/2015 00:32:48 tially, Lawro feels he found out for lying. Yet plenty

of other managers in the Premier League have displayed a similar lack of Ethics, from the perennial pantomime villain that is Jose, to the nonsense that Tim Sherwood utters about his time at Spurs. Pardew headbutted a player. LVG could have been charged with indecent exposure. They survived until their teams were losing. Results are the only concern. Ultimately, footballers are human. Some are nice, and some are not. Some are Joey Barton. But they’re all as capable of making bad decisions as the rest of us, if not more likely to, given the abnormal pressure and scrutiny on their lives. No amount of reminders about privilege, or their status as role models, will change that, and as Clarke Carlisle demonstrated recently, the demands of that scrutiny sometimes exceed what any human can bear and remain sane. That being said, here are ten ethical lessons from the lives of footballers who went too far. Far too far. 1. Eric Cantona – Don’t kick supporters. He said a bad word, yes. But you kicked him in the face. Which is worse. 2. Joey Barton – Don’t stub a cigar out in someone’s face. It doesn’t matter if he set your shirt on fire, or you were aiming for his neck. Cigars don’t go on people.

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3. Steven Thompson – Don’t impale your teammates with a corner flag. Accidental or not, it still makes you look bad. 4. Nigel Pearson – Don’t randomly strangle an opposing player on live television. Especially don’t then claim it didn’t happen. 5. Luis Suarez – Don’t bite people. Who bites people? Three different people. Nobody bites people. 6. Jody Morris – Don’t walk into your local, pull out a wad of cash, say it’s what you make in a week and then ask if anyone wants a fight.

Don’t appoint guys who take bribes to the board of the organisation you work for. Don’t pretend to resign. Don’t sell major international competitions to countries that work people to death building stadia. Don’t say an FBI and Swiss investigation into corruption lacks evidence. Don’t... All that lot make Shearer’s “Alanysis” and Lineker’s puns look quite bearable, don’t they? Get in touch with those “I was there” moments involving the worst of the Swans’ bad boys. There must have been a few in those dark days in the lower leagues... Robin Hill

7. Zlatan Ibrahimovic – Don’t kick your teammates. Or Clarence Seedorf. 8. John Terry – Don’t shag your mate’s bird. Or be racist on telly. The first one is supposed to be Essex law. The second is basic. 9. Diego Costa – Don’t slap people, push them over, square up to their mates, get in their ear and then whinge when they kick you. 10. Sepp Blatter – Don’t take bribes. Don’t offer bribes.

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Found a carrier bag with an England rugby shirt in chucked in the bin, idiots don't they know that bags worth 5p. Where did Napoleon keep his armies In his sleevies I've recently been concerned I may have become addicted to Sudoku. I phoned my GP to have a chat about it. He said he could fit me in between 4 and 6 A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the postman was dead on the porch There's only three more Leeds Managers till christmas apparently.

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Thebut guys allfootball at a deer camp. Noit one wanted important to room for with he snored so isn’t that were isn’t the of today. Today is all about thatBob and because at this moment in time, he badly. in our first eleven in my opinion. today! Worry about tomorrow when tomorrow comes! And in my opinion Jonjo isn’t in my first team plans -

today. It is sad in a lot of ways that football has come to this They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they but that is where we are. It may simply be that the voted to take turns British footballing world has become more professional A big part of this isn’t just that we have better central midfielders. We have good options going forward.

and that this will bring the very best out of young

players. It maymorning well force players likehair Jonjoato be even looks ridiculously dangerous, Siggy isto breakfast TheMontero first guy slept with Bob and comes the next with his mess better but you can also see why the English FA are Bony is (and I genuinely mean this word) andoutstanding, his eyes all bloodshot. World class and Dyer/Routledge/Barrow are all very capable on their days. So what we need is for them to They said, "Man, toisyou?" have the ball, we what need ahappened midfield which controlling, a midfield who can win the ball back and give it to our danger men and that is what Leon and Ki can offer.

concerned about players lacking minutes. But I couldn’t care less about the FA and I doubt the Swans do either.

If I could get Jonjo to sign a ten year contract and he He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

had no possible way of leaving it then I’d play him now but there is no loyalty in football and so in many ways This is short sighted but I do feel far less inclined to The‘nurture’ next night it was a different turn. In the itmorning, same that thing, hair allitstanding up, is the footballers are brining on themselves. talent than I have previously.guy's We don’t really need and players aren’t loyal in anyway and so I Why should a club invest time and playing minutes eyes all money bloodshot. into a player who will jump at the first chance they get? don’t see the point in playing him in order to smooth the diamond. I think that those days have possibly They said, "Man, what happened to you? gone in terms of the Premier league. Each gameYou is toolook awful!"

He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night." The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."

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Mels Memories

Our next chapter in our talk with Swans legend Mel Nurse about football in his day. When did you first see John Charles kick a ball? He lived in the same area. In fact, as a baby I think my parents rented rooms off his family. John was a couple of years older than I was, I’m going on for 78 and I think John would be going on for about 84 now, he was about 6 years older than me. I know john respected me as a player, although I never got involved with him as a player until later on in his career because wherever he was, he came here and for three years he would sit over there (pointing to a chair by the bar in the hotel). ‘Do you want a drink John?’, ‘Yes, will have a whiskey Mel’. Now I didn’t know measures or anything like that because I never drunk, I only owned the hotel haha. So I would give him a tumbler of whiskey and a little bit of water on top when it should have been a tumbler of water with a little bit of whiskey on top. I didn’t know that, he used to love it; he would used to drink a bottle of whiskey every time that he would come here. It got to the stage where, if you look at the bar, there is a big gallon whiskey bottle, I’ve left that there as he was the last person to drink out of it. I won’t take it down and I wont put anything it. I should put on it that the last person to drink out of here was John Charles, the great John Charles. I played with John, I was very fortunate to play with him, I played with him loads of times for the Welsh team, I played a dozen games didn’t I. I should have

played a lot more but I don’t know what happened, things went pear shaped or whatever. One time, we are up at Scotland, playing against Scotland at Hamden park and to get there the Welsh team gets all our notices. They had booked the hotel for us but we all need to get to Glasgow ourselves. So we are all meeting in Lime street in Liverpool, so we all got to get to Liverpool, all of us from different parts of the country, London Portsmouth, Southampton, West Brom and what have you and we go to the station and there is a cafe there. So I’m sitting in the cafe having a cup of tea and people would come in one by one and then we would all jump on the train and go to Glasgow station and from there then onto the hotel. Well when we arrived at lime street station we get there and we are picking john up from Glasgow, he’d flown over to there from Juventus and he’s landed in Glasgow or Edinburgh or whatever and he’s meeting us at the station, Glasgow central and we are walking on the plat forms and there is nobody on it; nobody and we are thinking that is unusual, it’s a big station. It is like Paddington, big door, massive, so we are walking and we all have cases as we are going to be up there for a couple of days and we look and there are thousands up under the clock and so we are thinking what is going on there? Big John had flown over from Juventus and travelled to the station and he’s standing there under the clock, he’s six foot four, he’s out there, he’s got a big brown overcoat on and he’s got a Juventus bag alongside he. You should have seen him! They were all standing there with their mouths wide open; WOW!!! Do you know what I mean? What was it like for the city to have a local boy playing

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in Turin? Probably the best player in the world at the time You can’t explain it can you, something like that. We had to fight our way through the crowd to get to him and we all gather round him and we are all ‘hello John’ ‘alright John’ to make us feel important because they have thrown us aside because they just wanted to see him. We get to the ground by coach and the coach can’t get in the ground. So they send police to help us get into the ground so the police come and their horses are like elephants, Jesus they were huge. The public moved for them! The bus goes in and we get in and as I’m jumping out of the bus there is a ring of police around the bus and I see Bobby Reid standing the other side of the police ‘Mel’ he shouted’. Jesus Christ Bobby, so I go to the police excuse me he’s one

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of our players and so I took him with me and we go into Hamden park and as you go in there, there is a games room and we go in there are we are pretty early, the boys have gone into the dressing room and put their bags down and I’ve gone into the games room with Bobby, I say Bob I better go, I’ve come here to play football not snooker, so I goes back in and as I go into the changing room and I see big John changing; f*cking hell, now what I’m going to say to you now, as a player, different clubs have different players and physiques are all different and they are all physically fit, you get your Mr universes, shoulders like that; you know what I mean? You got to go into the dressing room to know what I’m talking about and these players are all top notches but big John was standing there and he could take the part as Hercules in films.

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Top and Right: James Williams sends in some pics of the good old Vetch Below: Kyle with the captain of Wales Bottom right: It is all a bit too much for Craig Roberts

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58 STAND BACK Art Correction to last issue ‘STAND BACK’ art not ‘Bev Rock’ I’m really fortunate to have a few really talented artists who allow me to use their paintings and sketches in this magazine and I really appreciate them all. It seems that it isn’t just me who is benefiting from their talent either as the Liberty stadium now boasts paintings from Bev Rock Art. The supporters trust has put up this fantastic painting up of Michu. If you facebook Bev Rock Art then you will see a catalogue of amazing pictures; Duncan Jones seems like he liked his too!

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Dr. had been seeing an 80 year old woman for most of her life, and she had finally retired. At her next checkup, the new Dr told her to bring a list of all the meds that had been prescribed for her. As the young Dr was looking through there, his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. Mrs. Smith do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL PILLS? "Yes' they help me sleep at night.' Mrs. Smith I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!' She reached over and patted the young Dr's knee.....yes dear I know that. But every morning I grind one up mix it with a glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks...and believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night..'

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64 Vital Information All these are facts except 1 which I made up. Which one is made up? answer on answer page 98 1. The UK driving test only has a 50.2% pass rate.

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2. The total road length in Great Britain was estimated to be 245,400 miles in 2012. If you could lay all those roads out in a straight line into space, you’d go past the Moon, which is a mere 238,855 miles from Earth

11. Almost one in six UK motorists has been caught speeding in the last five years.

3. There are around 35,760,901 vehicles currently on UK roads, which is roughly one car for every two people 4. Putting all these cars, buses, vans, trucks and coaches through an MOT could cost as least £1,961,485,419.85 5. Our favourite car colour is silver. There were 7,996,383 silver cars on the roads in 2012. 6. But the highest concentration of pink cars is in Cardiff.

8. As of the end of July, we bought 1,325,851 new cars this year. 9. If we take the best-selling Ford Fiesta for a back-ofa-fag-packet calculation, this means we’ve collectively spent around £132,578,470,745 on new cars. 10. Even if all those sales were of the UK’s cheapest car, the Dacia Sandero (£5,995), it would still total a massive

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12. A third of us (31%) would be happy with more toll roads if it meant cheaper car tax. 13. 92% of us consider ourselves good drivers. 14. But 65% of us admit to breaking the 70mph speed limit. 15. The number of petrol stations in the UK is at a 50-year low. There are now around 8,600 stations, down from around 37,000 in 1970.

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Not Darran

We made an approach to the infamous Darran from Planet Swans to see if he would be willing to contribute a monthly feature in the magazine, he declined (in his usual polite way) but this is what I think he would have said if he accepted. An away day at Villa. The Villa match was as dire as the Stoke one, horrendous game of football from two awful sides. The whole day was terrible; I hate Autumn for starters, what is the point of it? Trees raining leaves, sunny one minute and freezing the next, it’s an atrocious season; I don’t like Winter either, nor Spring or Summer but I really don’t like Autumn. The weather was typically Autumny too; I hate the word ‘Autumn’, the only word worse that Autumn is ‘fall’; bloody Americans! I’m not fussed on them either. Anyway, I went to the game; Villa Park; what a shed of a stadium that is! They could do with spending a few quid on making that half decent; miserable stadium in a dull dump of a city. Stopped for a pie before the game, I say a ‘pie’, that suggests there was something in it; this was merely pastry and not good pastry at that. Not like the pies of the past; do you remember when places took pride on their pies? When an away day involved sampling a seriously good pie? Not here; not anywhere these days!!

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The pie was a huge success compared to the game mind you. The first half was appalling; how anyone could call that value for money amazes me. Their fans were non-existent apart from the odd moan about their team and manager; I never understand how some people seem to enjoy moaning all the time; it seriously annoys me!!! Moan, moan, moan, moan, moan!!! The second half was even worse in reality even if there were a few schoolboy goals. They scored when our Ayew missed a sitter; I’m not fussed on him at all; does nothing! And then his brother scores at the other end and his brother is even worse than our one!! Shows how bad our defence is but Fabianski couldn’t catch a cold! The ref gave us a free-kick for no reason whatsoever; gone are the days when you could tackle an opponent and Guzan seemed to let Siggy put the ball in the net; the ball was passed right into the middle of the goal; how the keeper let that in I have no idea! Just to round off an awful game, Monk managed to fluke a winner and keep his job which really infuriated me because he’s clearly the worse manager in the league. Boring football played by overpriced pre-Madonna in a horrific stadium based in a city which should be burnt to the ground! If Volkswagens emissions department did football away days then this would be it!

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Mind Puzzles

Brothers and sisters I have none but this man’s father is my father’s son. Who is the man?

If you look at the number on my face you won’t find thirteen anyplace.

Tear one off and scratch my head what was red is black instead.

The eight of us go forth not back to protect our king from a foes attack.

There are three men in a boat with four cigarettes but no matches. How do they manage to smoke?

What room can no one enter?

What is it that’s always coming but never arrives?

When is a man drowned, but still not wet?

What can travel around the world while staying in a corner?

10)

What gets wetter and wetter the more it dries?

11)

There was a green house. Inside the green house there was a white house. Inside the white house there was a red house. Inside the red house there were lots of babies. What is it?

12)

What kind of room has no doors or windows?

13)

Which word in the dictionary is spelled incorrectly?

14)

If you have me, you want to share me. If you share me, you haven’t got me. What am I? All answers on page 98

Bonus Question: Get this right and win a free bottle of wine at Chaplins when two people have lunch (pop in and give them answer) Feed me and I live, yet give me a drink and I die. What am I?

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70 Golf Course Review PontardaweGolf Club Course Review – September 28th 2015 What were your first impressions of the course? The first thing that crossed my mind when I was standing on the first tee was ‘moving targets’. The reason for this is the presence of sheep and horses on the course, which I must admit I’ve never come across before. Seeing this on the first tee I was sceptical, and was obviously concerned I would hit one of the poor animals, but thankfully they seem aware of the dangers, and also I drove the ball particularly well that day, so no harm done. The presence of the animals had no effect on my round whatsoever, and after the first two holes, you forget that you’re sharing the course. The animals aside, the course presents itself as a typical links, with wide fairways and extensive bunkering. Personally, links golf courses are my favourite, and this one didn’t disappoint. What was the best hole on the course? My favourite hole on the course was without a doubt the 3rd hole. This is a 490 yard Par 5 off the yellow tee, but plays significantly downhill. Although the hole is almost 500 yards, it’s very much in range in two if the wind is at your back, but would be a beast if you were playing directly into the wind. It’s an inviting tee shot, but the second shot is the real challenge, due to the placement of a cross bunker (which caught me out on this occasion) in the fairway some 70-80 yards short of the green. The green itself is one of the most undulating on the course, so a hole that grabs your attention from tee to green. How fair was the course? The course is very fair, as it’s a Par 70 / 5943yards total off the yellow tees.The fairways are generous, and the greens are large and receptive, so all in all it’s a very inviting course. How difficult is the course? As I said, the course is very fair, but when playing the course off the yellow tees, there were 2 x holes that stood out as the most difficult on the course. These were the 9thhole (448 yard Par 4), and 16th hole (458 yard Par 4). The reason I found these difficult was due to the length of the holes, especially consid-

ering that the Par 5 3rd and Par 5 16th are 490 and 492 yards respectively. These holes are in fact Par 5’s off the white tees, with only a slight increase in distance, so I think the Yellow tees on these two holes could be pushed back slightly, and the holes made Par 5’s as well. Another aspect of the course which added to the difficulty was the placement of cross bunkers in various fairways. These bunkers caught me out on a number of occasions during the round, but it’s an aspect of the course I really loved as it really puts an emphasis on course management. I had never played the course before, so would focus more on my course management with regards to these bunkers, and also the hazards around the greens the next time I play there. What was the best thing about it? As with my review of Pontardawe Golf Club last month, I really thought the layout of the course in Clyne was excellent.The course kept my attention for the whole 18, and the round was extremely enjoyable, and passed by extremely quickly – testament to a good course in my opinion. What was the worst thing? This is a difficult question as there are no real stand out weaknesses with the course. The course layout as I mentioned is fantastic, as well as the greens and tee boxes. The only slight negative is that due to the presence of animals on the course, there is of course ‘mess’ generated. This is minimized on the greens due to the presence of electric fences around the periphery (which don’t impact your approach), but the fairways do suffer somewhat because of this.

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It didn’t have any impact on my round with the exception of having to move my ball slightly on a couple of occasions, due to my required stance being impeded by some horse ‘leavings’, but this wasn’t an issue, and shouldn’t put you off playing what is otherwise an excellent course. How snobby were the members? The members and staff were extremely welcoming. We were given a tour of the club house and facilities after the round, and also enjoyed a drink and a game of snooker in the club house, where the staff were very helpful and friendly. How well kept was the course generally? The greens were extremely well kept, and also the tee boxes were of a good standard. As mentioned previously, there is an issue on the fairways due to the presence of sheep and horses, but this doesn’t impact on the overall enjoyment of playing the course. Out of 10, how good were the greens? I’d give the greens 9 out of 10. They are very well kept, run true and are large and receptive – quite an achievement considering the difficulty the staff must have with keeping the local wildlife at bay. How inventive was the course (different obstacles / hole lengths)? As mentioned previously, the course layout is it’s main strength. There are short holes mixed in with longer ones, and a large number of strategically placed bunkers which I love to see on a course. The majority of the holes are straight away, so no real dog-legs, but there are several blind tee shots, so that coupled with the placement of hazards puts great emphasis on course management, meaning it’s a thinking mans course. How hilly / tiring was the course? This was one of the easier walks I’ve had on a golf course, as the elevation changes are gradual. Definitely a

course that is walkable for people of all ages and fitness levels. How good were the views? The viewsof Swansea bay are amazing, especially from the 9th tee. How easily did you get through without being held up? Once again, me and Jack Swan were out early, and therefore didn’t get held up by any other patrons. We like to get out early so that we aren’t held up by people, but also because it means there are less people on the course watching us muddle our way through the round ;) Conclusion? All in all the course is excellent, and this was one of the most enjoyable rounds I’ve played this year. I would highly recommend the course, and I look forward to playing it again soon. Wannabee Pro It was pointed out to us after the review that it was a heathland course as against a links course .

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74 Jack Swan Tries

A couple of months ago I wrote in here about my trip up the Brecon Beacons looking for UFO’s, today I am writing about my trip up the Brecon Beacons looking for ghosts; the Beacons is far more than just outstanding scenery! My opinions of both UFO’s and ghosts are very similar, (well they were before the ghost hunt; I won’t give anything away) I believe that there are loads that science and we don’t understand and that it is arrogant to dismiss anything on face value. Having said that, I find it incredibly difficult to believe that little green men pop to Somerset just to leave some crop circles before going home and there is a limit to what I believe I could find on a ghost hunt to. Am I a sceptic? Yeah, of course but that is surely a good thing, I won’t believe anything until I see it with my own eyes; I’m not convinced Australia exists! I’m sceptical of most things in reality but open minded at the same time.

I went hoping to find something, hoping to have new questions but needing to see anything with my own eyes and prove it myself. Craig Y Nos castle is renowned for being haunted, as a fellow sceptic said to me ‘if there are going to be spirits anywhere then this is the place!’, it has the wonderful mixture of being both absolutely stunning while also having a mysterious side to it and I learned more about this as the night went on. The castle regularly put on ghost hunt packages and we popped up to their Halloween one which was about £160 per couple and consisted of a night stay at the castle, with a three course meal, breakfast the next morning and the ghost hunt which was pretty decent price in reality (the three course meal and breakfast is reviewed in Jack Swan eats food this issue; two birds one stone and all that). I know Craig Y Nos reasonably well and I didn’t feel

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too worried about heading up there at any point during the days leading up to it, I laughed it off in reality, I am a sceptic after all! We turned up about half an hour before we were set for food and were shown to our room right at the top of the castle. I must confess that I was starting to get that anxious feeling; I’m not saying that I was feeling spirits already but I was starting to doubt my scepticism. The place did feel a bit eerie and I was

well kept, lovely wooden floors and fancy paintings; we had gone past that bit and were now into the dusty and unloved part of the castle, you won’t find any Wedding Left: Jasonup shows first ever receptions here!off Nohis electric and 180 so torch light was needed, we stopped at the top of some wooden stairs Below: Johnson his Swans tattoo and youMike could see halfshows brokenus walls and holes in the ceiling, I’m not sure this would pass a 2015 health and Bottom Left:in Rhiannon safety check reality. Lewis shows off her Swans shirt in Greece.

We got told that this was the children’s ward of a TB hospital and that we were going to go into one of the rooms and try and communicate with some of the children who had spoken to our guides in the past. I’m not going to lie to you; I was becoming less sceptical and was starting to brick myself.

starting to get the chills. We had food and were then shown to the theatre where our group of about twenty five were split into two groups to be shown around the castle. Stephen managed the tour and was very entertaining from word go, he instantly made us all feel relaxed with his wit and did a very good job at getting the group to mingle. Our group were to start from the top of the castle and work our way down. We got taken up some stairs and past where you could see the nice part of the castle ended; the whole castle which is viewed is wonderful,

We went into a fairly small room which was totally wrecked, damp, half knocked down walls and there was a bat crawling around in the middle of the ceiling. We got told to hold hands in a circle and then all torches were turned off. The guide says ‘spirits, we bring you no harm; we just want to communicate with you’. Once again, I’m not going to lie to you, I’m seriously bricking it now!! It is totally pitch black, I’m not sure I could find my way back to civilization, my brain still has this sceptic side to it which I keep repeating to myself but at the same time I am in a cramped room at the top of a haunted castle and we are attempting to summon the spirits. ‘Give us a sign, any sign’ says the guide. Nothing, but then one woman says she sees a little light, the woman next to her does too, I’m thinking that the two ladies were planted there, I am a sceptic after all but then I see the same light. It flickers every now and then and then disappears, a small green light. I’m ten minutes into a five hour ghost hunt and I’m already ready to go home!

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I pluck up the courage and ask if anyone minded if I followed the light the next time I saw it, the guides agreed. I see the flicker and I bravely (VERYbravely!!!) head for the light, ( I need to prove anything myself!!) it is totally pitch black but for this small green light, I get closer to it and it disappears before reappearing; I get really close and grab it, to which somebody goes ‘that is my watch!!’ The same thing happens in the next room with someone else’s watch; if you go; don’t wear a watch with a light on it OR do as it is quite funny. We then go into the main part of the disused and unloved hospital. We get told of some of the horrific ways that they used to treat TB and some of the tragic ways that some of the children died there. Two props are set up, one which is pretty much a light show of a disco which would show up any spirits that passed it and another detects a dramatic change in temperature at a certain spot; made by Black and Decker (made it seem trustworthy!!).

Madam Patti was an opera singer back in the day and was world renowned, incredibly wealthy; she owned the castle and made it beautiful. There are hundreds of pictures of her throughout the place and as many stories too. She died in the castle; falling down the stairs! So we hear this as we are heading down the stairs into the cellar. We sit around a little storage room and again call the spirits to show us that they are there but there is no answer, the sense of any spirits present go fairly quickly here and Stephen senses that there aren’t any spirits here at this time and so we moved on. We moved back up and then over and back down so that we are sitting underneath the theatre. The room feels reasonably comfortable, there are chairs and a table set out and Stephen tells us that we are to sit around the table with our hands on it and allow the spirits to use our energy to move the table. He has had ‘some great’ results

We sit in a sofa next to the trusty Black and Decker ghost hunting tool, a green light is the standard constant and a change to blue or red signals a dramatic change in temperature which could mean that a spirit is nearby. Our guide asks a few questions and the light briefly changes red, something has warmed up where the tool is pointing, he asks more questions and it changes again but no more. We take a break as the bar has last orders at eleven and so we retreat back to safety and the posh castle. It is good to speak with the rest of the group, compare stories and pretend to still be completely sceptical and brave. The pint helped!! The four pints before we started helped even more! The Dutch courage is a good tactic but for the fact that you have to release your alcohol in the most haunted part of the building. The toilets are renowned for it; I survive this round! One of the group dismisses our Black and Decker breakthrough, saying that there were drafts coming through the broken walls and ceilings; I was happy with any theory which explains it! After the break we headed down, down into the cellar. As we head down we are told of how Madam Patti died.

here doing this! Sceptical Jack Swan is kicking in again at this moment, am I slightly worried? Yeah of course but my logical brain is telling me firstly that I’m not convinced that this is possible and secondly that I want to be sitting at that table if anything does happen as I won’t believe jack sh!t if I’m not! We had to split into two groups to go around the table and so I watched the first group as they pleaded with the spirits to show us something. Nothing, now it was my turn. We go through the same routine; each person on the table asks the spirits in their own way to show us a sign. Some asked with fear, some nervously and others pleaded to be touched! But the downstairs of the castle had been lacking in paranormal

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activity. We headed back into the theatre and met up with the other group to compare stories and to try one last séance which also gave no results. The other group seemed to have experienced more which is deemed unexplainable but I don’t care about other groups; unless I saw it myself then I’m not buying it! Stephen explains at the end that everything we see is real, if he could guarantee that we would see something then he would be a billionaire because it would clearly be groundbreaking but he would never trick anyone into thinking anything and I could see and respect that. I must admit that my opinion hasn’t really changed on the whole ghost thing (as it didn’t on the UFO thing). Are there ghosts? Who am I to say! I was chatting with one of the other members of the group before we went out and we both said that it is what it is and it has always been. Scientifically, you can’t destroy energy, what are we? Do we simply die and that is that? And nobody can answer those questions 100% and so there will always be the prospect that ghosts of some sort exist in my opinion. Are they in Craig Y Nos castle? Possibly and although I didn’t see any I had a fantastic night looking for them.

there to have fun and enjoy and seeing a spirit would have been a nice bonus. I am sure that there are other groups which are far more serious, intense and worried and that is probably as enjoyable in a different way. I would go again, I would recommend it, I think you can just do the tour without the food and overnight package which is obviously a lot cheaper but the whole experience and then sleeping in that very castle after the ghost hunt is advised if possible. Let me know if you see anything although I won’t believe you anyway!!

It was really good fun and I can imagine that it would be very different depending on what kind of group you are in. We were generally a very chilled out group who were

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So, we headed up to Craig y Nos for one of their Ghost hunt evenings and had the three course meal (as you may I have a slight confession to make. Last issue when I ate well now know), it was about £160 per couple which was vegetarian food in an Indian and made a slight deal a bed for the night, breakfast, the ghost hunt and the three about ‘trying being a Vegi’ ; I was actually in a bizarre course meal. time of my life where I wasn’t eating meat at all! It lasted the best part of a month and I actually freaked I was totally unsure of how the evening was going to be myself out; I woke up one morning and decided that I planned out. I didn’t know whether the three course meal fancied getting slightly healthier; cut out beer and was going to be a ‘set meal’ like a wedding, whether we meat; and I did it!! would be having our food on a large table as a group or as coupled; I had no idea, I followed orders. That was the slightly bizarre thing. The really, really bizarre thing was that I really enjoyed it. I loved eating We were on a table with another 3 couples which allowed different foods; the challenge of going through a day us to get to know a couple of people before we went on the and eating three meals that consisted of no meat. At no ghost hunt. I was really pleased to see that the three course point did I care in the slightest about the animals meal consisted of the full menu which had really good involved; they are put on this planet to be eaten! But I options. Lamb, beef, Chicken, steak, fish, pasta, duck, the was eating healthier, cheaper and actually nicer food! choice was there. I fancied a steak and a pate starter. Anyway, I got that out of my system! What a weird The pate was good, we’d all eaten the bread rolls on the month!!! I’m a meat eating MAN again!! Ring the table before the starters had come out and so we had to chicken’s neck, cook it in some garlic and stick it on my embarrassingly tell the waitress and ask for more. The plate!!!!! This issue I headed to Uplands; with Vegi! salad alongside the pate was superb; I love a good salad

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with good dressing. The main meal came out, steak and salad on the plate (salad not as impressive as with the starter but decent) a choice of chips and sauté and vegetables came out on the table to share. The steak was outstanding; it was really thick and cooked perfectly rare; just as I like it, it still annoys me how many places think they know how I want my steak better than I do; I want it rare! Cook it rare. You could cut this with a butter knife, I know because I used a butter knife while I waited for the steak knife. It was a seriously good piece of meat!!! For desert I went for sticky toffee pudding as you can’t go wrong with that, I went for the bizarre request (which was kindly granted) of having ice cream and custard with it! It is a good choice but requires it to be eaten fast to prevent it becoming a white cold custard. Was good! The food was even better than I expected in reality, I expected it to be good wedding food but it was good restaurant food. Thoroughly enjoyed although the breakfast the next morning trumped that! The secret breakfastear needs to get up there, seriously good breakfast!

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86 I don’t really make much of an effort to hide the fact that I like to abuse this magazine from time to time. If I fancy doing something and it costs more than a fiver then I try and review it and hope I get it for free; if the farmers get their way then in next issue I will be reviewing 2 litres of milk from the co-operative! Be sure to look out for that issue.

something seriously wrong; talented? He was mentally talented; he wrote one poem with only the vowel ‘o’ in it and it was still hilarious. Anyway, well worth a check out for next year but in the meantime if any of you are unconvinced by poetry then these are a couple of poems from the poets from the hill;-

This month I talked my way onto the press list of the Do Not Go Gentle festival in the Uplands. I didn’t pay much attention to what it was all about before I went; I clocked on that it was a very varied festival and more than just the basic music festival but I didn’t really know what to expect. The first thing I got to was in the Steam cafe and was ‘Poets on the Hill’. Poetry; lovely!! Rock’n’roll; have I really reached that age? I bumped into a mate in the Upland Tavern straight after the ‘gig’ who gave me the same face which you may well have right now but I will tell you what I told him; it was f*cking awesome!! There were six or seven poets taking turns to read out some poetry that they had written, only a couple of minutes each time but every single one was either hilariously funny or struck a real chord with a political or social issue. I tell no lie when I say that not one person left throughout the whole gig; I thoroughly enjoyed. I then popped over the Tavern, had a couple of beers here and there and then hit the Garage to see a ‘punk poet’ called Luke Wright, a posh Essex boy with a bit of attitude; if this guy isn’t on TV in the next few months then there is

Garry .....& the Pundits Garry Monk, beginning of the season Pundits agree next manager of England Takes two months ‘til this claim they’re repeating News just in, Tim Sherwood he’s replacing. An iPad man manager, ahead of the game A background in football, he understands pain From tracksuit to jumper, the touchline’s bright flame He’s the Monk that we pray for, keep shouting his name. Four divisions with the Swans since he was a pup Defending at Wembley he helped us move up His fingerprints smeared across each silver cup He’s OUR Garry, pundits shut the fuck up. Julia Manser #POTHEast stand season ticket holder S.T.I.D.

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Gaze Upon The Yonder Every time my gaze falls down From Pantycelyn o’r top this town This spot like velcro catches me I know I’ll never want to flee A vista etched of docks and masts The curve of Mumbles ghost train path The waves brush fresh clean hope each day Up to the sweep of our box house plays A swift descent, tarmac, cement Mount Pleasant stoops to circumvent These claustrophobic alleyways Exhaust fume haze and loading bays The city snaps and snarls beneath It’s razor wires, a funeral wreath Our gaze is lifted, thoughts return To streets with views and gorse and fern A Hill, Cwmdonkin, a poets ardour Steps and rails, a blackberry pickers larder Past painted walls, all signed ‘Jack Army!’ And romance pronounced ‘Gary stills loves Siany’ To the beach, the sweep up from horizon far From pebble dashed streets and melting tar Dense blue meets the sands with glitches Of gulls like burns on celluloid fixtures Hooded doorways, steps and clutter Congealing jam and toast and butter And then the shops unlock their gates And the streets fill up with raw debates A landfill curtain, fly-tipped waste Ravine and rise. Obscured, defaced An ugly sweep of junk cascading Land and nature, now degrading Poets On The Hill | 89 A swirling of salt air, breathing elixir I stand, I melt into my own life’s picture Take it in and gaze around Listen hard and fear no sound The thud of footballs, laughter, fights Echo into endless nights

This Hill where Paradise Park was placed We are side by side and face to face Pavement cracks with eyes like saucers Social workers, law enforcers Bravado fuelled by countless beers Fake millionaires with rent arrears The walk of shame, bare footed girls Discarded nails, deflated curls When Monday morning rudely calls The painted, bold graffiti sprawls The seagulls say ‘Hello there mush’ Your car looks like it needs a push Gutters stage the drunken fights The stale remains of hot delights That’s the way it is here mun And now, my friends, this poem’s done... Poets On The Hill are a poetry collective from Townhill and are supported by University Of Wales Trinity Saint David and Communities First. The group consists of budding poets and writers hailing from the Townhill and Mayhill area. They meet weekly to develop their creative writing and perform their pieces at local poetry and writing events. They have now assembled their first poetry collection ‘No Apologie Anfologie’ (published by University Of Wales Trinity Saint David) and it is hot off the press. Launching on November 12th! Find info on them and their upcoming performances on Facebook: Poets On The Hill https://www.facebook. com/groups/1404242866503911/

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It amazes me how many people ask the question ‘how do I get an advert in there?’ when we drop off the magazines. In fairness, we do have quite a bizarre system but for those of you who haven’t worked it out yet, here it is:Firstly, get a large pot. Large enough for you to get into yourself; eBay is a good place to search but be careful and always pay attention to the delivery charges as pots of this size can be very expensive to deliver. Once you have the pot, you will need to start a fire. Outside is usually best but if it’s raining then I suggest you break into a large hall, maybe a community centre where you may be able to use some wooden chairs as firewood. Make sure the ceilings are high enough and open windows to let the smoke out. So once you get the fire going, you can put the pot on top of the fire. Be careful, make sure it is stable and secure but you’re clearly not stupid as you have already got this far and followed these instructions very well. Next you will need a little oil. Engine oil is ideal but sunflower oil would suffice. Next is the tricky bit, you will need a small ginger and white cat. Please be aware that you can only start looking for the cat once the fire has started and the oil warm. Don’t cheat with this; don’t think that you can catch the cat then start the fire because it simply won’t work! Once you have managed to catch the ginger and white cat then release it; it holds no purpose. What do you

think we were going to do? Ask you to skin it alive and put it in the pot? Come on!! Next is slightly wacky I must admit. You dial the following into your phone; zero, seven, eight, eight, zero, three, six, nine, five, four, five and then press the call button. Somebody should answer the phone and you can book or discuss the options with that person. That person will tell you what to do with the pot when you speak to them. Incidentally, if you actually did buy a pot, start a fire in a community centre, traumatised and then released a ginger and white cat then I suggest trying this number before contacting us: ‘nine, nine, nine’ and just explain what you have done and make it very clear that you had no instructions from anybody to do anything....

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92Swanning

Round the Universe

So the meaning of life... The answer to our purpose... What was never to be forgotten but has been lost...

It has been axiom since noted by 1800s Vatican City astronomer Angelo Secchi that our Solar System will not survive our Sun. His subsequent stellar classification methods have made it possible to determine which planets are composed of similar stuff to Earth by their 'colour'. This allows us to focus our efforts to find a planet that will sustain us beyond Earth with more precision. Earth displays as a blue planet. We are looking for blue, I repeat blue, blue is a green folks go go go... Tick tick tick Planetoids thaw as they get pulled closer to the Sun releasing co2 into the atmosphere. If a planetary like object is composed of the same materials as Earth (and why shouldn't it be) then the introduction of co2 seems to be the last piece required in theory to sustain life on any number of planetoids in our Solar System. There seems to be a timeline involved too. Each of these known places will become ripe and perish again at different points in the future as our Solar System changes. More places will become known to us as our tech, science and understanding grows beyond our Solar System. Then we're all over it. Everywhere. We'll be the equivalent of the Irish... no matter where you go and what death defying depths you had to go through to get there... there's already an Irishman sat at the bar... blocked. We've often looked at Mars and wondered is there life there. Well we now know that all the elements are present in the required amounts. That the water that once flowed over Mars surface is locked away in it's ice caps, similar to Earth. That as the Sun gets closer to Earth and scorches, it equally gets closer to Mars and that Mars' ice will melt. Melting ice releases co2 and thus terraforming (Yes, exactly like Total Recall and Aliens) begins. So as the poor folk (99.99% of us all) we see that we must save the Earth we are bound to... yet the great and wealthy 0.1% know, and have already put down their deposits to ignition. Blast off. Rats off a sinking ship... cos they understand that... Tick tick tick And so is it off to Mars for our pioneer elite? Build a launch site on the moon and off we go? Red is a green folks. I repeat red... red is go go go??? As said there is seemingly a timeline involved here. In fact the next 'planet hop' will most likely be our old beau Europa. A moon of Jupiter. It will be by observation and calculation the next place we know of that will be suitable to house life. They are in fact pretty sure that the organic materials clouding Europa may already house the first evolutions of life. And thus maybe we were never supposed to stock for the winter. Dig in as it were. Maybe it is not just necessary to move to survive as a species, but meant to be so. Our purpose is not on this Earth. The death of Earth will not be the end of us. So... So Let's take the identity as Origin Earthling, the genesis, the spark of life in the Universe, and as levels become unlocked to us maybe eventually there will be some kind of an endgame. Doo do doo do doo do do duh dah Maybe what was lost could not be forgotten, an inbuilt urge to blast off and march purposefully onwards. Maybe when Mars thaws the life that could so easily be... may already have been and be again... Player 2 has joined the game... So off to Europa we go... I'd take that next season mind. Or maybe as said already 'they' know and understand that we are all walking on the walls of a fragile bubble floating through the most inhospitable of space. A tiny speck of atmosphere. No more than a dying ember. Ready to pop and extinguish at ANY GIVEN MOMENT. Maybe now...Or now...Now... Tick tick tick. Paddy Stradlin

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94 The Secret Breakfasteer As it stands at the moment 1st 2nd 3rd 4th 5th 6th 7th 8th 9th 10th

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The Play Quarter, Ystradgynlais. This review is coming from ‘The Play Quarter’ in Ystradgynlais. It gets its name from the fact that not only do they serve breakfasts, have a café selection of food, a bar, lots and lots of sweets and most excitinglya pirate indoor play area for children. It was half term so we went out for a family breakfast (including some extended family). It was great because the children could play whilst we ordered and sat waiting for our food. The waitress was helpful and of a cheery disposition. We ordered 4 full Wenglish breakfasts and they were very accommodating with our requirements i.e. no bacon on my wife’s plate (but could we have it on a separate plate to share?!), half and half grilled tomatoes and beans, and half and half fried bread and toast. The children had beans on toast and jam on toast. The Wenglish consisted of; mushrooms, fried egg, grilled tomatoes and beans (as requested), black pudding, 2 sausages and 2 bacon and a separate plate of toast and fried bread. The beans were also served separately. The sausages were run of the mill, and we were split over the salty mushrooms (maybe cooked with the bacon), some of us enjoying them whilst others did not. The toast and the fried bread were delicious, the best I have had in a long time and the bacon was cooked to perfection for me, just short of crispy. The service was good with lovely friendly staff and we didn’t wait too long for food (with disappointment from the children because they were having too much fun to sit and eat at that point!). The breakfast was good value for money with the bill coming to £29 for 4 adults and 2 children eating, including our drinks.

26 25.5 24.5 24 23.5 21.5 21 20.5 20 17.5

Obviously it is a little bit noisy, but the seating area was lovely and quirky and not expected from your average children’s play centre. Thank goodness the RWC 2015 has finished, Wayne Barnes was amazing and Nigel Owen was rubbish! Has this review been proofread????? (Yeah it has Secret Breakfastear although it has clearly already been looked over by your wife as it makes sense!! This conversation stays!!!!) Now to the scores… Value: 8.5 Location: 8.5 Quality: 8.5 (could have been higher with a decent sausage!)

25.5 30

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96 P n - es P��n�-�es� P��n��n�! P n n ! We have all been there, (well those of us with kids) the football is on TV and we don’t get to watch hardly any of it as we are too busy entertaining the little monsters. I asked Claire from Munchkinos Childminding to try and come up with a solution. Halloween is over; by the time this goes print I June am The celebration of International Fairy Daytoduring guessing that Bon Fire have fizzled out gave me inspiration fornight a newwould activity . This is one that too…… onto Christmas!!! get in can start so outside and end up Thought indoors inI would time for the some non-Christmassy ideasbe before the next issueair match. Bonus points should awarded for fresh though. Ones and thatguilt will help stretchwatching out the shorter and creativity free to football should days. ensue.

Nature Walk Explain to your thattothey willthem be making a picture/ even painted thechild stones make look prehistoric statute/ work of art using Take only all theofthings that they can (for the dinosaur garden). your materials collectalong on your walk together. leaves, branches, inside with an empty boxCollect and allow your child flowers, stones, conkers, helicopters etc. giveThey them a to be creative whilst you watch the football. can little wash and let them dry.

If you are anything like us, if the weather is nice you feel Indoor Gardens guilty staying in. Add to that the fact that you are watching theatfootball while you keep your making children in The children Munchkinos really enjoyed on a gardens Sunny day only adds to the ifguilt, whattake can you fairy outside and asked theyso could do? Bring the in!!!! them home tooutdoors show their parents. So we came up with the idea of recreating the gardens in empty shoe boxes. It's a very

The Bigeyes Picture smiling Lay all of the materials on a large sheet /table or floor and ask your children to see how many pictures they can make out of the materials that you have collected www.facebook.com/munchkinos together, the bigger the better. You could take photographs of their creations to look back on after the match. You could even make greetings/Christmas cards out of the photographs. The only limitation is their imagination.

activity can keep your little munchkins going for ages. It doesn't have to be a fairy garden. We have made monster homes, alien planets, prehistoric lands , farms, parks and a jungle the possibilities are endless. (See photos; scale obviously not important Smiling face (black and white)) What you need An empty container (shoe box or similar)

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98 Quiz Answers Mind Puzzles: 1) 2) 3) 4) 5) you!!!!!) 6) 7) 8) 9) 10) 11) 12) 13) 14)

My son A clock A match Pawns in chess They throw one cigarette overboard and made the boat a cigarette lighter. (oh, you don’t like me now do A mushroom. Tomorrow When he’s trapped in quicksand A stamp A towel A watermelon A mushroom (not again? Surely you got it this time!!!!) Incorrectly. Secret.

Vital Informatoin 6. But the highest concentration of pink cars is in Cardiff. (it is in fact Ipseich!)

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Don’t Foget To Show Your Card! If In Doubt; ASK!!!

WALES NO WALES 1 DOUBLE NO GLAZING 1 DOUBLE COMPANY GLAZING COMPANY FAMILY OWNED FAMILY BUSINESS OWNED BUSINESS

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