Issue #43 FREE
K N O M The Cardiff City Cover
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“As a closet Cardiff Fan, now living in Swansea (I see it as missionary work ). I came across your magazine in my local pub, I quietly admit it makes interesting reading, and don't mind the Cardiff Jokes. In issue 42 your cover stated the options that would lead you to agreeing to allow CCFC fans to choose the cover. Point B having now happened (I wouldn't be surprised if Point A was to follow, although I don't think you will go down. I look forward to seeing your next edition in the Pub” And that email was how I came to find out about Monks departure and what led to this month’s front cover (sorry for that!!).
I had quite a sexy front cover lined up as well, a slick white cover which totally ripped off the Beatles white album with the simple words ‘in Huw we trust’. It covered either possibility while the magazine was being printed as it looked quite likely that our Garry may get the boot while the ink was being put on these pages! For any of you who missed it and are wondering what is going on; the front cover of last issue was me boldly backing Monk and laughing off any suggestion that he may lose his job. I was so certain and confident that fortunes would change and all would be fine that I said that Cardiff City fans could choose a front cover for the magazine if he was to be sacked..................and here we are.... I am gutted (not just about the cover!). I had real hope that he could stay with us for many years and that we could build long term plans around him. There are not many managers these days who give you that hope, it was meant to be beautiful and last forever but little goes to plan in football.
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That is the nature of the beautiful game, two good months and you are hot property, two bad months and you are out of a job. Was it the right decision? Possibly! Time will tell I guess. The West Ham game which turned out to be Laudrups last was absolutely awful; it was dire, inevitable and painstaking to watch!
Sadly, every one of those words can be used for Monks last game as well and the lack of passion in both games was the final nail in both managers coffin. It is still really raw and I think we all have strange feelings. Monk has become a big part of Swansea City football club for over a decade. He gave us his best years of his life as a player and he gave us our best ever finish in the league as a manager, it is hard to know how he will be remembered as a manager but I will always remember him giving us 100% in everything he did and as a fan that is always the most important thing for me. As he leaves, another part of our ‘grass roots’ leaves with him. There is one less person in that dressing room who remembers the Vetch, one less person who truly understands the club, who understands real life I suppose. The premier league is plastered with spoilt footballers who have only ever known ‘the good times’ and we are in serious danger of becoming just another club. Our next appointment will be huge for the future of the club, not just for our Premier League survival or for our style of football but to decide what the real ‘Swansea way’ means because I feel that the club and its millionaire footballers are becoming more and more out of touch with us fans and that is a worry and for me, that isn’t the Swansea way. Thanks for the memories Garry!!!! Merry Christmas to you all, I hope you enjoy the magazine once again. Thanks to everyone who has helped with the magazine in 2015. Onto 2016!!! Cheers
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6
Player of 2015
Quite a lot of this issue is rather negative as that is the general feel at the moment and so I wanted to get this in really early as (although it’s hard to remember right now) 2015 has actually been a pretty good year for us and here are the players who I think have been our best players in the calendar year:Ash There was a time during the Euro qualifiers where he was probably the best centre back in the tournament. His stats said so, the amount of clean sheets that Wales kept confirmed this and he just looked in the zone, on the ball, alert, unbeatable and just everything that you want from a centre half. He was that person for club and country! I am speaking about him as though he’s dead but his performances haven’t lived up to that standard for the last couple of months. I have no doubt that he will return to his very best as he is one of the top four or five defenders in the league, he has been for the last five years, he isn’t a flash in the pan. Vincent Kompany struggled for quite some time last year but class is permanent and both the captain of Wales and captain of Citeh have it in abundance and it will eventually always come through. Jonjo I was used to being frustrated by him, this time last year I wanted him out of the club after his ridiculous sending’s off and his general attitude. He then transformed into a complete and mature midfielder (and then back again but let’s remain with the positives). His England call up was totally justified and was probably overdue as he finished last season as their nations best midfielder. He started this campaign with a brilliant partnership with Gomis and seemed to be able to pick out the Frenchman at will. He managed to find space for himself like all good central midfielders do, often just dropping back a yard or two into the hole and then distributing the ball to all corners of the pitch. He has struggled of late but (this is a positive page!!) his talent means that it should be short lived and a positive 2016 awaits!!!! Taylor I know that this will raise eyebrows but I think he’s been our most consistent player over the twelve months. I absolutely slated him this time last year and prayed for someone to come in and replace him and although I would still like that; I can’t help but admit that he has been a far better player in 2015. He offers absolutely nothing going forward which probably puts pressure on us elsewhere but you know what you will get with him, he is neat and tidy and he keeps things simple and he’s organised and solid defensively. He has struggled over the last six weeks or so but less so than everyone else in my opinion. He has proved me wrong on a number of times, I do think that we can improve at left back but at the same time I think he has been our third best player this calendar year, never anything spectacular but very little atrocious either.
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8
Tates Tales
Onto our third season with Mr Alan Tate, he talks about our debut season in League one under Jackett.
One? It hasn’t ever been just to stay up, I think that no matter what league we have been in the aim has always been to threaten the play-offs and that was our aim in our first season in league one and that is what we did.
The following season was when we started signing to you that ‘we all dream of a team of Alan Tates’ as you spent a lot of it in centre midfield: how did that come about? I think it come about because I don’t think that Kenny really fancied Roberto for whatever reason, I don’t know. I started the season at right back and then ended up centre mid, right back and centre half. I think he probably liked that I didn’t mind putting myself about, I enjoyed getting stuck in and a tackle, I would give it easy to Robbo or johns who would do something with the ball. By this point my relationship with Kenny had started getting a lot better, he sort of trusted me and I grew to trust him and it was one of them where I enjoyed playing centre mid, I was young, I was fit, I enjoyed getting stuck in.
It was a brilliant season for you personally; winning clubs player of the year! And winning the Autoglass Trophy, is that something which you are proud of to this day?
And did you hurt your neck back then? Watching balls going over your head It wasn’t too bad in the new stadium, we started to pass the ball a bit more, I got player of the year and so I must have got something right. I remember the gulf between the lower two leagues from the John Hollins days and I thought that we would really struggle this time too; can you remember what the aim was in that first season in League
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Tates Tales
yeah, any trophy which you get playing professional football, it was the biggest cup competition that realistically we could win at the time and obviously any player of the year awards which you get is amazing. I’m lucky that I have had two with Swansea, one at united and so it’s one of them where you just love winning trophy’s and so anyone which you win is great. And are you proud of the flag you waved afterwards? Yeah, I think I have to be. It’s part of the story down here and I am really proud of everything down here. It is something which happened, I got arrested for it but I’m proud of everything which I did for the club. It’s a part of folk law isn’t it, it is there now I think it was the most bought photo for a while I think.
got there and I don’t think anyone knew where it was. We battered Barnsley in the play-off final. I recall you nearly pinching the winner right at the death? Do you remember that? Yeah I do. Never been a good finisher but it was one of them, I think about that more than I think of the penalty to be honest, not that it really crosses my mind now but that summer it did. How hard was not winning promotion to
What was all that like? It got quite serious didn’t it? Yeah it blew up massively. I remember being at the Morgan’s hotel for the party afterwards and Martin called me over and said that I was going to be arrested on Tuesday and the game was on the Sunday and so this was Sunday night, they obviously knew where we were Monday and so me and lee have to sign ourselves into Cardiff police station on Tuesday if not they would come and arrest us. So we trained Tuesday and then went straight up to Cardiff to hand ourselves in So what was that like entering the danger zone of Cardiff the two of you, you were public enemy’s number one and two at this moment? It wasn’t right in the middle of Cardiff, it was a little police station in the outskirts but on the way up we heard that there were fans waiting outside and all that but we
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12
Tates Tales
League one to get over? Especially after being so close and deserving to? it was very hard, I went away and to Fuerteventura and I was walking down the street semi-conscious and there is a big TV and it has my penalty on the screen, obviously showing highlights but like I said, the miss I thought about more than the penalty because a lot better players than me have missed penalties but the one in normal time would have been a great one to score. You done really well to get there too Especially that late yeah and pace has never been my forte It would have been hell of a goal Yeah it would have, it is one of them. It wasn’t meant to be. We were never going to win that game on penalties, whenever you batter a side that much and don’t win then the penalties are only going one way To be fair, their penalties were quality, we were never getting anywhere near them.
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14 Jack Swan Knows Jack Sh!t I may have got a few things wrong about our chances this season. Only slightly, I thought Champions League was possible, our squad was invincible, progression was inevitable and that Monk was the Messiah. Anyway...... I may have got a few other things slightly wrongtoo, here are a few other things I said at start of season. On Chelsea ‘There is a general inevitability about any side managed by ‘the Special One’’ On Everton ‘I’m not a big fan of Martinez and I’m going to enjoy watching him get sacked by Christmas’ On Leicester ‘Going from Nigel Persons to Claudio Ranieri is a bit like going from a pint of stout to a Pina Colada and the hangover for whoever is taking over from the tinker man come Christmas is going to be unique. It isn’t going to work is it?’ On Stoke ‘I think that any side without that 10 plus goal scorer is going to leave some concerns every year and there may be a slight worry if they get off to a slow start’ On West Ham ‘it’s a big year for them; I see no progress, I can see a little relegation scrap on the cards; especially with Eurpoa Cup’
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On Norwich ‘Their squad is very similar to the one which got relegated two seasons ago and I don’t really see any reason why they should fare much better this time round in reality’
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If either of the following things happen this season I will donate a front cover to Cardiff City and allow their fans to chose the cover:a) if Swansea enter the relegation zone at any point
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b) Garry Monk gets sacked Calm down people. It isn’t going to happen!!!
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16 Legend?? Garry??? Question for mag: The word is often overused but is Garry Monk a club ‘legend’? Diana Doyle Yes ive been a fan for 12 years to be honest i didnt like garry at the start and then he grew on me lovely guy still havnt stopped crying a legend in my eyes yes my shirt he signed saying love you lots will always treasure it x Alun Krem-Szczesniak For me he is definitely up there with the likes of Mel, Ivor and Leon Britton. Jason Appleby Legends survive the test of time. It’s a question that will need asking in 10 years. Steven Edwards I would say yes. The coaching staff that have now left. the players and his captain let the jackarmy badly down, not really him. Mary Cherrington I would say so. I am gutted that he has left, He was thrown in at the deep end before he learned his craft, That first season (yes he did bloody amazing) he should have been joint manger so he could learn for a couple of seasons then maybe he could have have been our long term manager like fergie was to Man u. Alan Godrich Yes along with his big toe Christopher Dean Chapman Hes played in every league for us played in Europe. A massive tackle that saved a game to get us into the biggest league in the world. Managed us to our best league finished. It just went wobbly at the end he kept trying always did his best for the Swans always. So Yes Jonathan Scott Definitely. One of the biggest there is. Toni de Freitas Even though I’m not a Swans fan, and in the interest of making your answers more balanced. I am reliably informed by a ‘proper’ Swans fan that he is not
a legend. He argues that Freestone, Cornforth, Trundle, Martinez, Thomas and Britton are more deserving of the tag. Christopher Dean Chapman Even if he hadn’t have managed us he would have been Tim Rendell You might as well ask if Santa clause resides in Lapland !! Lol Marc Sherlock He should of been given more time not his fault the team can’t score we need strikers I said this from the start someone will come in buy some strikers all the team are under performing no passion or pride he is going to be a very good manger with other club he is a legend and service to our club for nearly 12 years he will always be a jack bastard but who ever comes in we will get behind YJB Simon Flash Richards Yes he is a club legend and he was loyal to the swans they should have shown him some loyalty Andrew David Humphreys Without doubt a legend!!! Done a lot for swans as a player and manager Gerald Roger Jenkins If the answer is ‘no’ then they need to wobble their heads to give that cell some much needed exercise....... His big toe gave us the single most important moment in our history, it crushed Reading’s spirit and gave us the boot-up-the-oop we so desperately needed. Without it, Premier League football would still be in our dreams, probably.......... Ash Swansea Jack Thomas Yes. I think a BIG mistake for sacking him. Matthew Vincent Yes Monk is a legend 100% you don’t play for a club 11 years manage and captain that side, been with us since league 2 to premier league. Proper Jack legend!!
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18
Share the blame?
It is kind of the rules of the game and he knew what he was signing himself up for but a manager is responsible for everything when things go wrong. It is just the way it is, they get paid a fraction of what the ‘superstars’ they manage earn and they are solely responsible for the form of every one of those players and how they behave on and off the pitch. These players can decide to ‘stop playing’ for a manager, have poor form and become a hero again the week after that manager has been sacked when they put effort in again. But that is the nature of the beast and it is the same for all managers in every club and many are far more demanding than ours and so we can’t feel too sorry for our Garry but in a different world (one where Jose Mourinho is still a good manager) what other reasons could there be (other than its all the manager) for our downfall? The Board How quickly everything can turn around. It was only a couple of months ago that pundits were looking at Ayew and Gomis and admiring how we have managed to keep improving our squad on peanuts but the moment things go bad; you start wishing that there was more peanuts being thrown around! Have we been complacent? It looks as though we may well have been. We spent big money on Bony, received even more for him and we replaced him with Eder. He may come good but I very much doubt that anybody believes that he will be a better player than Bony and so we have entered this season knowing that our front two strikers aren’t as good as they were at the start of last season and that has to be a concern, surely progression has to always be the aim! If not then regression is inevitable. I don’t pretend to know anything about anything in
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Share the blame?
Fans Can we take some responsibility? We have been totally spoilt for the last decade, this is probably the worse run that we have had at the Liberty stadium and I do think that we have been too quick to moan, to slate and we haven’t been as supportive as we could have been. The Liberty can be amazing, a Tuesday night game against one of the top boys is awesome but far too often it is more welcoming to the opposition than hostile. It has been said for many years that the players don’t seem like they are the right group to face a relegation scrap but I’m not sure that we are. Are we able to make a ground intimidating for the opposition every week? Are we able to make a noise for ninety minutes in every match? I’m not convinced! I think we are like Jonjo; up for the big games but totally missing at other times. Much has been talked about ‘plastics’ over the last few years, it is time for many to prove that they are not! Gomis I do try to back our players whenever possible, I do think that it is important to but there comes a time where you simply can’t and that time is now with our French striker. People will point to the fact that he scored loads of goals at the end of last season and at the beginning of this one and that he can’t be a poor player and I 100% agree with that but that makes me think that he must just be a twat! He had no interest of scoring against Leicester, none at all. When you look at a player like Vardy, he wants to get in the box and score, it is a pretty basic requirement for a striker but we didn’t have that, Gomis was scared of the box, he avoided it, he had absolutely no interest in scoring whatsoever and that isn’t his ability as a player but his mentality as a person and for that reason I want him gone. I don’t care if he hated Monk, don’t care if Siggy has sh#gged his wife or Montero is dating his father, he has to play better than he has. He is earning stupid amounts of money and not living up to it at all!! The talent is there but you can’t pick and choose when you play well when you take home a few million pound a year!!
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Backroom staff Beattie seems to be the popular scapegoat at the moment but football is about a team on and off the field these days and the backroom staff must take their share too (and they have). Whether it is the scouts not picking up the players over the Summer or the coaches not getting the best out of our players, there must be people off the field not doing the job as well as what they were last season. The Beattie photo seems to have annoyed many, I don’t think too much of it to be honest, photos do lie but it’s a team game and something isn’t happening. Is Sue the kit lady still smiling? Something isn’t right!!! Jonjo I could singled out a few here, Ki, Montero, Siggy could all have found their way in here but Jonjo has been off the boil since his England call up and there appear to be issues with his attitude again. I saw Jamie Carragher saying that Jonjo had an immature attitude while at Liverpool and it was that which prevented him from developing his talent and maybe he still has a bit of that immaturity now. He’s not the same player he was two months back and if stories are true about his attitude then he may well be out of the team for some time. Player power doesn’t work with the fans, not when your not performing on the field! Luck We have been unlucky in some ways. Leicester scored two goals which should have been disallowed and we hit the crossbar and post. However, we could also have conceded many, many more. It is true that luck goes against you when not playing well, Liverpool got a dodgy penalty, the only game we have been lucky in was Villa, and that was probably only because they were in more of a rut than us. I think we have hit the woodwork eleven times this season; that’s a lot. A bit more luck could have bought Monk a bit more time and then who knows? Pictures by Stand Back Art
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22 No hiding place That is me being kind, Mr Monk cannot be responsible for everything but the following must be down to him in some part: Attacking threat We are no longer sexy! That is for sure. The passing is slow and predictable and there is no real threat going forward. Gomis and Siggy look as though they have never met and on the odd chance that Routs or Monterro have a chance to get the ball in the box; there is nobody there! There doesn’t seem to be a game plan as to how we are going to create a chance. Runners aren’t there, Ayew has got gradually worse and less of a threat and the opposition seem to know exactly how to stop us playing. Defensive mess Defensively we are every bit as bad! Who decided that Siggy should be marking their danger men at corners? I was amazed to see him picking up the big substitute against Norwich but put that down to the substitutionand blamed the captain on the field as against the manager but he was elected to mark Robert Huth against Leicester from the start? What??? That’s an awful decision and asking for trouble!! Full backs are finding themselves behind the two centre half ’s again and defensively we are getting back to where we were under the Laud! This was the main area where Monk improved us but it’s not right at the moment; goals conceded from corners really annoy me and we look fragile again and conceding is inevitable. Really poor!!
fullback offers much and so it is easy to mark our front five or six with your seven, eight or even nine defensive players and ignore our full backs; it’s a really worry. Change something please!! I don’t get it!!! I really don’t get it!!!! Against Everton for example, Ayew plays on the right, Siggy in the middle, Montero out left, none of them get a sniff, two young Everton full backs look comfy, have spent all week looking at clips of how to defend their man and have it nailed, neither winger have any joy for the entire game. Why not swap them over? It really annoys the hell out if me!! It is simple!! Chuck Ayew on the left for five minutes and see how each full back does. Montero is a very different threat, let’s challenge them. If that don’t work then how about trying some pace through middle for five minutes? Try Montero in middle and throw Siggy out wide for five? Don’t just spend 70 minutes with the same players in same positions and then take them off because it isn’t working!! Very unimaginative, very frustrating and boring management!! We have to all put everything into perspective, we have had an unbelievable twelve years or so, we have just had a poor few months in the Premier League. It was more than due! Hopefully it was just a blip and we will have a wonderful festive period and look back smiling, if we are going to enter a relegation battle though, it won’t just be the manager who decides where we finish and its naïve to think otherwise. Back the club whoever we get in!!
Full Backs Opposition teams have worked us out and some things are becoming increasingly clear and the most embarrassing one is that they are happy to let Taylor have the ball in an attacking positions. Why wouldn’t they? I’ve genuinely noticed this, I like Tayls but you could give him 100 crosses into the box and we wouldn’t score once and other teams know it, they let him have the ball; ‘go on, try your best!!’ Montero is the threat, double up on him and let Taylor have the ball; it is simple! Neither
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24 Swans Eleven As expected this is as mad as it could possibly be! this is the Swans eleven from the brilliantly entertaining, the one and only Julian Alsop.
Goalkeeper, Regrettably I am going to have to go for Roger Freestone. We used to go nicking sweets in the services me and Rodge. We would come out with loads and loads of sweets. We were in there once and the person behind the counter was gay, Rodge really fancied a hot dog so he orders a hot dog and the lad behind the counter goes ‘that will be £3 please’, so Rodge goes ‘if I show you my willy can I have it for free?’ the guy says ‘if I can have a stroke of it’. So Rodger was in the middle of the services with his cock out and this man stroking it Michael Howard left back On away trips I used to room with Michael Howard. Johnny Hollins used to want everyone in bed early for the game the next day. Myself and Michael used to get in the hotel room, strip off naked and order some tea and cream cakes and we use to argue about whether you ate the cream first or the jam. We would order the tea and scones and the women would bring up the tea and scones from reception and we would answer the door naked. we used to order it, get naked, watch coronation street and the women who used to bring the tea up to the room, we would just say ‘yeah come in love’ and we would be sat there naked. Probably thinking look at these gay
fuckers from Wales Jason Smith Centre half, One of the best stories I have is of Smudge. It is with Smudge involving me when we went to Ayia Napa. I had pulled a bird and I took her back to the room and she had this flowery dress on. Basically this flowery dress was doing it for me. We have done what we done in the hotel room and she says my dress is all marked so I said don’t worry about it chuck this t-shirt on. She puts this t-shirt on and as she walks out the room smudge is walking back in to the room and he’s gone ‘alright love how are you, have you been with Jules?’ and talking away smiling. He goes ‘I’ve got a t-shirt like that’ then as he walks about ten yards on he realises that it is his T-shirt. He’s chasing after her down the street but she got in a taxi, then the next night we saw her out again and she had the same top on, Smudge was chasing her all around the night club wanting his t-shirt back.
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26 Swans Eleven age one. It was horrific what happened to his leg and his face and his banter, but a good full back. Right Wing JJ Price; The only black man to go out in Bristol and pull a bloke, She was; what you call it ‘Transgender’. He pulled this bird and he thought she was pretty until she opened her mouth. I thought the moustache gave it away but JJ; massively overrated but he did a job for the team to be fair. He had a great career, very laid back but he went right down in my estimations when he pulled that bloke. He had quite a long career Jason, was he very fit player when he was at the swans? He didn’t stop playing until late on.
Centre half It has to be Terry Bound Doesn’t it, Yes Terry Bound; I don’t know any stories on him actually. I would get sued. He was a top centre half, the best thing with Terry he used to go to Smudge; ‘go on Smudge do him’. Smudge would be coming of the field battered and bruised and Terry would be coming off with not a mark on him, so you can’t fault him for that, all my other stories will involve people getting divorced and I know his Mrs. will read it. I Can’t disclose anymore because his Mrs is probably reading the magazine. Right Back ; Steve Jones We used to call him Stevie Shit (sorry Jones); Every time he had a bad touch he used to go ‘shit sorry’. He was a great full back just unlucky with injuries really if not he would have had a decent career instead he had an aver-
MIKE’S
Yes he was always a fit player at the Swans JJ but to be fair I have got a better story about him, I don’t know if I said it before but it was Paddy Day and he was living in a house with Ryan Casey. Ryan said ‘come over we will go and catch JJ out’ so about four or five of us players have sneaked in the house, JJ has got a bird in there and he has walked across the stairs in a leopard skin thong, He didn’t know we were there, and he says to the girl ‘what a tremendous sex session that was’, we were all pissing ourselves laughing. We were like ‘give yourself a pat on the back Jj’. In the middle of the park I am going to go with Nick Cusack, Mr. sensible but a proper gentlemen. He had a mobile phone like a brick and I phoned his house up while he was having all the lads out on the beer, I was sitting across the table from him going come on Nick Tell us all the stories about when you were a young jack the lad’, he’s gone ‘I was a bit of a jack the lad Jules, I have got so many stories’ and Geraldine (his missus) was listening to him on the other end of the phone.
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28 Swans Eleven Did it not come as a surprise to you when Nick Cusack was so involved a few years back when we had the problems With Tony Petty? He tried to sign me when I was at Cheltenham, but obviously I was in a contract and he had no money, so that was that but how he dealt with that when Petty came in and sacked everybody was brilliant. Martin Thomas Fair play to John Hollins he didn’t realise it at the time but he was doing the diversity act as we had a dwarf on the team, I think the football in the community officer got some extra money for having a dwarf in the team, obviously he dined out on that West Ham goal, its 2015 and he still does now! I used to live with him and I had a girl in bed one night and she says there is somebody watching us and I have got out of bed and can’t see anybody, Tommo is at the end of the bed talking on the phone to the boys saying, ‘look at this bird that Jules has brought back’, the little dwarf I couldn’t see him! He’s a top lad and was a great midfielder. The nickname ‘Psycho’ do you think that
was because of his work ethic on the pitch? What psycho? He made that up himself, it was when there was a lot of closeness with the fans and so on, he would run through a brick wall for the club, so if that was where he wanted to get off in calling himself a psycho then fair play to him.
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30 Swans Eleven Left Midfielder Jonathan Sydney Coates, He smoked more Dope than Johnny Depp sold in that film. Top lad, just absolutely f£cking clueless about life to this day. I await response from his solicitors. What made Johnny stand out from the other wingers you played with? If I am completely honest, he used to take me into training most days and for being able to drive a car with me in it for twenty minutes is brilliant, so that is why he is in my dream team. Striker We didn’t really hit it off as a partnership but I am going to go with Walter Boyd, just for seeing his face when the drugs people come in, he was the only black person I saw go white when the drugs testers came in. He was sat there when someone said the drugs testers are in today. He got his puma bag and was last seen jumping over the walls trying to escape, he legged it. He was seen jumping over peoples gardens behind the vetch. The lads were chasing him ‘come back come back’ but he had gone, disappeared for two days. Was you playing in the game where Walter Boyd got sent off in record time? I was playing in that, the lads went ‘Walters coming on’ and I turned around and Walter was going off, I said to the lads ‘he must have forgotten his spliff or something’. Striker; Steve Watkins, always moaned about his ankles the bloke never stopped moaning about his ankles but a great lad. Great partner when we played and to be fair John Hollins played a team where we didn’t attack, so we
never scored many goals but the team wasn’t built like that, it was built to win the league defensively. Overall top lad as well. Subs I am going to go for Alan Curtis in Keith Walkers testimonial, he came on the wing and he sat Alan Little on his arse who was a first team Villa player at the time and I have never to this day got that image out of my head of Curts dropping his shoulder and remember thinking I wish I saw him playing at his best and he’s god anyways isn’t he. Did Curtis ever get involved in training? Yeah he did the odd time, he used to do the crossing but he was just on another wave length. Tommy Mutton This is nothing to do with football but he is possibly the worst funniest dancer I have ever seen. I have never seen anybody dance like him in a night club and for that reason he can go up there with Frank Worthington. Dave O’Gorman Dog, brilliant. The only man who beat up a toilet door because his missus wouldn’t come down and see him. He had a flat on the front and his missus was meant to be down that weekend but she wasn’t coming out and he properly beat up the toilet door, he had put fist marks all through the door. I was like ‘what is wrong Dave has she left you?’, ‘no she won’t come down and visit me’, I was like Dog ‘I would be happy mate she’s minging!!’ he went absolutely mental. I think that’s the only thing he ever did beat though to be honest with you.
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32 Swans Eleven Best manager It weren’t Corky was it because he was bloody useless, Obviously John Hollins. He was a proper gentlemen, he didn’t do much, he had a squad of 15 players, he couldn’t make a decision but he was a proper gentlemen. I will always remember we were on the coach at Brighton away and Ken Bates was doing a talk on talk sport. He gets asked ‘who was the manager you didn’t want to have to sack?’ and he’s gone ‘John Hollins, but I had to sack him because he didn’t want to make a decision’; all the lads didn’t want to get off the coach, even Ken Bates said he didn’t want to make a decision.
play in the Premier League, let’s go smash somebody!! I wasn’t skilful to be fair but it creates an atmosphere but you knew if you counted on it apart from JJ everyone could go in and look after themselves. Huge thanks to Jules! Great as ever, always good fun and a top bloke! They don’t make them like that these days!!!
I get the impression from this interview and the last we did for the mag that it’s fair to say you had a good time as a professional footballer, I know top flight football is very professional but do you think they still have a good crack in the lower leagues? No I don’t because I was playing for Cheltenham when I was 32 and I took up going to church on a Sunday because I was that bored. It’s too professional, in the premier league they pay you money and you don’t want for anything. I have watched Swansea
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34 Fantasy Football I managed to sneak 2-1 in the lead this month, the scores for November were close and as follows:Aled: Hart 10, Galloway 9, Winaldum 13, Vardy 33 Total 65 Jack Swan: Myhill 6, Monreal 11, Ayew 19, Ighalo 32 Total 68 Send us your picks for November the end of October and we will print your options; info@jackswan.co.uk or 07880369545 or facebook twitter and all that jazz! (Using the fantasy.premierleague.co.uk sit)
Aled Jones: £24.8 Million GK - Hennessey Crystal Palace - £4.0 Million For December, it was a choice between Mignolet, De Gea, Howard and Hennessey as the 4 keepers have the most favourable run of games this month. I’ve gone for Hennessey as he’s easily the best value for money keeper of the 4. Everton, Southampton, Stoke, Bournemouth & Swansea up next. I’ll take a punt on him to deliver. DEF - Moreno - Liverpool - £4.9 Million Liverpool should do well during December with games against Newcastle, West Brom, Watford, Leicester & Sunderland. Moreno is a dead cert to start each game and he’s a bargain at £4.9 Million. He might get the odd assist, but I’m banking on clean sheets. MID Deulofeu - Everton - £6.3 Million The in form Everton midfielder has averaged 6 to 7 points per game over the last 4 weeks. Doesn’t always play a full game, but he will definitely add value during December’s games - Palace, Norwich, Leicester, Newcastle & Stoke. FWD Kane - Tottenham - £9.6 Million I would have gone for Vardy, but Leicester have a horrible schedule during December. Kane is fast finding last seasons form again and should bag a good few goals in his next 5 games. West Brom, Newcastle, Southampton, Norwich & Watford.
Jack Swan: Total £23.4 De Gea 5.6 A dull selection but a simple one too. A lot of fixtures in December usually means the sides with the better squads do well and I can see United being a ‘safety first’ side under their manager who is far more interesting to watch than his football side. Zouma 5.4 million Chelsea seem to have finally got some kind of plat form where they can begin to build a run of form going and with a home game to Bournmouth to start December, I think backing their cheap centre back who can score goals will be a good move! Milner 6.6 million Boring James Milner will be trusty this December. Liverpool are another side on the up. The Englishmen takes their penalties and I can see them getting a lot of them if Taylors handball was one. Ighalo 5.8 million I was 0.1 million away from being able to take on Vardy but he surely cannot keep this form up! This boy has gone slightly unnoticed and he knows where the back of the net is. Worth a punt I do think!!
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Question for the mag: Facebook has been rather busy over the last few weeks. This is what people had to say after the Leicester game: Can you give him any more time?? Neil Bev Rock I think they have to! They would have to pay him off and whoever else goes! Then get another experienced manager which won't come cheap and then buy the new players required in January! When we beat the Scum last year we didn't win for another 12 after that ....and they didn't sack him then. All we can do is keep supporting what's in front of us
Paul Devois Can't trust Monk with more money. Gomis looks lost and on huge wages Eder looks sh&t, Franc tabular don't even get a place on the bench, Barrow looks good for carrying bricks. And the team now looks out of shape lost and in meltdown. No more time or money for Monk
Steven Edwards Well I think definitely no. We are losing too many points under him and his back room staff.
Tim Harris No! Sack him now
Tom Skittlebomb Crawford For weeks and weeks now I have been saying we should stick with Monk but there is always a tipping point. However, we need to continue to support Monk while he is still in charge and if the board decide to make a change we need to support that too and get behind whoever comes in. Steven Edwards Sorry he does not have my support Chris Walters Sorry to say but Monk has to go. Julia Manser Previously wanted to give Monk time, feel it might have just run out #RIP Theo C Cupier Just watched the post match interview on iPlayer I think he knows it's his last game Emyr Evans Form is temporary, class is permanent. And there's plenty of class in the team. Really lacking confidence at the moment. It's easy to say sack Monk but who's good enough to come in? Brendan I hear you shout. He's gonna see it as a step backwards even though he might be interested. I didn't agree with Monk's appointment at the time as many first time managers get off to a good start but then faltered and got sacked, Southgate and Coleman are just two names off the top of my head. But we must get behind him and the players. Hopefully he can turn it around Robert Neil should be given chance to turn it around but will probably be gone if results are bad in next couple of games..where the goals are going to come from is big problem, creating and scoring
Adam O Shea He just can't get the team to gel its players and monk fault they will sort it but it doesn't help fans chanting sh£t instead they should be getting behind the team and manager Mark Price I was at the game yesterday if any fans that are real football fans and know football can see the issue is with the tactics and not the players, I've managed teams not at any high level but when the other team are standing in the space you want to pass in then something is wrong. They know what you want to do, the second thing not most people would have noticed, how many times has our fullbacks been caught too far up the pitch and with this happening the centre backs are being pulled out leaving the strikers and even when they are defending our wingers are not helping them as they are even further forward; it's simple football. Ashley Williams likes to allow the striker to be at least 10 yards from him and then dives in constantly and ball watches, kyle Bartley is not good enough in my eyes to be there and like Williams gets bullied by the Centre forward. Andre ayew is not a winger and does not have the pace or skill to play on the wing he's a striker simple, this formation worked at the start of the season as it was new, managers have sat down and watched how we play and know how to stop us. It's the manager’s job to freshen things up I'd be happy for Monk to stay as I still think he is the man but if the tactics don't change then he needs to be replaced and Angel Rangel should be starting, we looked a lot stronger when he plays and better going forward ADD JACKSWAN ON FACEBOOK AND ANSWER JOIN IN WITH OUR QUESTIONS! MORE ON THIS QUESTION FROM THE FANS ON PAGE 66
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Gareth Davies Good to see Monk getting us to play the Swansea Way at last. We've had to put up with this passing to players, defending our goal and winning malarkey for the last 5 or 6 years now. Through hours on the training pitch Monk has finally returned us to our roots of mislaid passes, dodgy goals and pathetic team spirit. This was the Swansea I was brought up on and it's good to see it again. All we need now is a return to the Vetch and he will have done a tremendous job. Monk in.
ONLY WHILE ONL Simon Daniels snet meBUT this too:Love this from Big JohnSTOC HartsonKS by the way...One STOCKS ST LAST !! of the quotes I liked from Garry is they've got to get back to hard work, and that can only been done on the training ground. You can only do so much as a manager, but ultimately the players have to perform and if he's not getting that then he needs to get rid of those players because if you've got poison in the dressing room it's no good. He needs players in that are on board. Garry needs to find that and quickly
Mark Samon: Listen, for all jacks who are saying "get monk out" and "sackSAVINGS him" canON I just say one MASSIVE And Craig Rees sent upto A HUGE RANGE the OF BEDS, thing. Last season, we finished highest the me this;- U have to BEDFRAMES, MATTRESSES, club has ever finished in theAND top flight, we made be regretting this BUNK BEDS ’S A PROMISE! BEDROOM FURNITURE club history under Gary monk. Ok but sure he's off ON PRICE AND THAT now mate! ATEN NEVER BE going through a bad spell at the moment, but most managers go through bad spells, sure just There was a time look at Jose Mourinho, champions league winner, where the Daily Mirror won the league last season with Chelsea and are was printing that he getting relegated this season. Gary monk came was going to be through the club and no else knows more about CTION sacked and I hadn’t DU RE ER FURTH Swansea city football club so ALL listen stand by our even recieved the 4’ or 4’6” 5’ Birlea Georgina Chrome 4’6” or 5’ Silent Night Miracoil 5ft Serene Elizabeth 4’,manage4’6” or 5’ Roma Black Faux OTHER SIZES Memory Foam man,metal stand by our squad, stand by our magazines bed frame with crystal detail AVAILABLE mattress back from Visco 250 mattress bed frame Leather bed frame Original price £499 Original Price £399 Original Price £399 ment team, stand by our club and support the Original Price £399 Original Price £299 the printers at SALE PRICE SALE PRICE SALE PRICE SALE PRICE SALE PRICE NOW NOW NOW NOW#prideofwales NOW WA £329 WAS WA £249 WAS was £299 £145 ONLY £195 was £179 jacks. was £199 £125 that time!! £95 £99 ONLY ONLY ONLY ONLY Live by the sword :)
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38 Newspaper stories You may have missed out on some of these stories:
Chief Editor of the Daily Mail gets caught sticking a banana up his ass in Plantasia
Says a source which I cannot tell you. It is definitely true though!! 100%!!!! Can’t tell you anymore but honestly, it happened. Someone told me but I can’t tell you who!!!!
Sports Reporter for the Daily Mirror kills and eats stray dogs! From a very reliable source, a very close friend of a friend of one of the dogs which managed to escape and learn to talk. The dog wishes to remain anonymous in fear that he may get tracked down and that his ability to speak might make him a target. 100% true!!! FACT!!!
The owner of the Daily Express is the Queen
An amazing exclusive for Jack Swan. A source close to the queen told us, Prince Charles is said to be ‘furious’ says an insider as the paper regularly slates him. FACT!!!!
The daily sport was meant to read the “Daily Spot”
“The newspaper started as a ‘spot the difference’ publication, a p%ss take of the usual redtops, ‘the daily spot’ was the name to spot the difference between the made up stories in this ‘joking’ paper and the supposed real ones. Sadly they misspelled the cover and the rest is history” said someone who knows but we can’t say.
Rupert Murdock is good for the country!!
Of all these stories, this is the most difficult to believe but it is true!! 100% he’s brilliant!! I was told by someone who knows these things, an expert! In fact, we’d all die instantly without him and the Sun!! 100% true!! You will die if he had any less power!!! Fact!!!!! Keep reading it!!!!
Jesus lives!!!! And works for the Daily Telegraph!!!!
Unbelievable I know but I do know and I sadly can’t tell you how but please take my word on it; it is from an incredibly reliable source!!
Jack Swan magazine spells everything correctly and it is the entire English dictionary which is wrong! Says every 5 year old in the country!! 100% true!!!!
The editor of the sun has wallpaper in his bedroom with pictures of dead soldiers
Enjoys looking at them while having sex apparently says a very reliable source who has had sex in that bed! 100% true; it is in print; of course it is!!! OK, so some of these stories may not be true but have as much truth to them as half the stories that are in these publications. For example ‘Chief Editor of the Daily Mail gets caught sticking a banana up his ass in Plantasia’ isn’t totally true but there is a chief editor of the Daily Mail and he does have an ass. There are also bananas in Plantasia and so it is basically 100% accurate. Basically, give or take a few slightly misleading words in between. Seriously, how do they get away with publishing the shite they do? Garry Monk was being sacked over a month ago according to the Mirror because he refused to have experienced help. Who told the Mirror? Was it Monk or Jenkins? I can’t see why either would be singing that from rooftops; they clearly just make stuff up and it must get to people, I don’t think anyone would enjoy reading that they were goingto get sacked and who is going to replace them, with or without facts. And why someone isn’t being shot or imprisoned for the front page of the Sun last month I have no idea; talk about encouraging racism!! People will die because of the backlash of that paper and they put a tiny little apology afterwards in a sister paper, hat off to the city of Liverpool for driving that rag out of their city; more morals here please!!! Anyway; sue away you f&ckers!!!!! Left: A staged photo of a British soldier urinating on an Iraqi. 100% made up. Hasn’t hurt Pierce Morgans career much has it.?Untouchable they are, do what they like!!
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The Top Two Inches
So it finally happened. There’s no doubt that Huw Jenkins was being more than sincere when he said this was done “reluctantly, and with a heavy heart”, but he was running out of options fast. One win in nine is obviously a poor return, but it’s the manner of some of those defeats, the lack of solutions and the worsening atmosphere around the squad that ultimately forced his hand. Here are the reasons why, ultimately, Garry Monk just had to go. Loss of Identity: Remember Brendan Rodgers inviting the people of Sunderland to come and gaze at the wondrous Swanselona, who keep the ball, play from the back and press high? It seems a very long time ago. Under Martinez, The Swans played 3 at the back in League One, and two of the back three were shortish, and playing a continental librero or sweeping role, more than happy to bring the ball to halfway and beyond. Under Sousa, Swansea grew a harder defensive edge, and combined organisation with flowing football. Brendan brought teamwork and cohesion, as well as a few bigger names from his former employers. Laudrup was a touch of stardust, the sort of manager who has to sign autographs for his players, and he delivered silverware. But that, really is where it started. Although the calibre Arborum half page.ai 1 19/02/2015 00:32:48 of player improved, and the development of the League
One survivors alongside a few academy products and overseas gambles was great to watch, Swansea meandered from a high intensity possession based side to a run-of-the-mill 4-5-1. The Premier League is dreamland when the threat of liquidation is such a recent memory. Even more so with a home capacity less than 20,000. But somewhere along the way, the Swans went from ambitious, exciting and different, to mid-table mediocrity, safe from relegation but nothing more than functional. Once that happens, 17th place and a few January surprises become the stock-in-trade, but becoming Martinez’ Wigan is not what the board or the supporters wanted. Garry Monk leaves Swansea secure in the top division. But the club is in danger of the sort of complacency, and predictability, that got Blackburn, Wolves and Portsmouth where they are now. Not all of this is Garry Monk’s fault, but his failure to try anything new, or live up to the fairytale, have cost him. Lack of Signings: When Monk was first appointed, the obvious concern, especially after Laudrup, Rodgers and Sousa, was over his contacts and status in the wider football world. The questions was always whether the next Michu, Bony or Jonjo was going to come to a club that was consolidating rather than progressing, to play for a manager without credentials or a name to rely on.
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Despite a few gems, in Fabianski, Fernandez and Ayew, the majority of the transfer business Monk has done has looked indifferent at best. Eder doesn’t fit the footballing philosophy of the club. When you’ve got Ki, Leon, Jonjo and Gylfi, Jack Cork is an accessory, a talented and at times undroppable accessory, but a luxury nonetheless. Playing Montero, Gylfi, Jonjo and Ayew in the same side means five attackers, they might defend, but they do it reluctantly and inconsistently. With Britton, you get enough possession to justify that. Take him away, as time has, and you need a destroyer to balance the side. Cambiasso, Medel, Livermore and Huddlestone have all become available, and gone somewhere else, while Monk was in charge. Obviously the board have their share of blame for a lack of expenditure, and identification of weaknesses, including the aging of club stalwarts in Leon and Rangel, but Gomis for Bony, Davies for Naughton, Cork for Leon, Chico and Michu just gone...it all began to feel like the club weren’t just consolidating, but retrogressing. The Future: This one actually has nothing to do with Garry. More correctly, it has more to do with his, and his team’s efforts on the pitch together, and nothing to do with his time as manager. The simple fact is that every club in the Premier League next August is going to see a substantial financial chasm open up between them and the division below. That Swansea are almost certain to
be amongst that group represents the culmination of the last ten years of progress at the club. Simply, it is also a huge opportunity for Swansea. To expand the stadium, maximise their effectiveness and efficiency in the transfer market and not just consolidate but expand ambitiously in the next few seasons, they need a manager who is ready now, and can bring a certain amount of experience and impetus to the venture. That manager is not the youngest and least experienced manager in the league, which is a harsh reality. Whilst it is disappointing that the club haven’t kept Garry on in some capacity, next season really will be a watershed in English football, and no club can afford to be left behind. It may well be that that extra pressure has, in the end, made the difference. All that being said, no one who follows The Swans will forget Garry’s efforts as a player and a manager, or the role he’s played in delivering the club to where they are now. Hopefully, that won’t have gone unnoticed elsewhere in the game and another opportunity won’t be far behind, because it’d be a real shame if that’s not just the end of his management career, but the end of his involvement in football. From where that group were in 2008 to now is a rare tale in the game at the moment, and says far more about the man’s ability and attitude than the last few weeks. Robin Hill
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Nobody could get it last issue!! TOO HARD FOR YOU!! NO Answers back anymore as requested the locals the the Masons in Wanuarlwydd. Just foratathe change: Answers are onbypage 98!inGet linkArms between all 4 asBlame well them!!!! Goodyour luck.answers Text intoto07880 is amonths link between themisalla which will help Send 07880368545, 369545I’d tobe getimpressed!! your nameThere in next issue! There link between allyou five!
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44
J��e� B� S��n��
Not a joke but poignant for the moment: No one can make you angry. Only your thoughts about someone/something can make you angry. Anger is a choice. Of course... I wish I could apply that to myself 100% of the time... but it's true And back to the jokes. Stuck for a xmas gift? Buy someone a fridge, watch their face light up when they open it. I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business ..... This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my ass and said "You're kind of cute. You gotta phone number?" I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen ?" She said "Yeah, I got a pen" I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you" Famous Roman suffered hayfever ------Julius Sneezer BREAKING NEWS: Kieron Dyer has pulled his hamstring getting into a hammock and will be out of I'm A Celeb for two weeks. In the Park -- Saw a Chelsea season ticket nailed to a tree... .... thought I'll have that you never know when a nail might come in handy What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant. Bruno the brown nosed reindeer is my favourite. He is hitched directly behind Rudolph and can run just as fast . Unfortunately he can't stop as quick...... Two scientists walk into a bar, One asks for a glass of H2o The other says 'I'll have a glass of H20 too', The second scientist died.
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J��e� B� S��n��
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" She overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?" Man walks into a dentist and says "I think I'm a moth" Dentist says "I think you need to see a psychiatrist" Man says "I already am" Dentist says "well I think you've come to the wrong place" Man says "Well I saw you light was on"
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50
Mels Memories
Our next chapter in our talk with Swans legend Mel Nurse about football in his day. Going back to John Charles, did he earn good money? I can’t tell you what players earned but he went from Leeds to Juventus and knowing John, he went there for nothing, he didn’t benefit himself, Leeds must have benefited but John wouldn’t have, the only think that john would benefit from is the public, I don’t think he could pay for anything out there, they named all sorts after him out there. Big John, well he was a giant wasn’t he! Did he have to work when he retired? I’m just trying to work out how different it would be compared to today, if he was the greatest player of his day, I can’t imagine Christiano Ronaldo needing to find a job to keep himself fed when he hangs up his boots. When he finished he came to Cardiff, I played against him there and when he left, he went to Hereford I think but most of the boys were going from Cardiff to Worcester because Bill Jones, who was the manager of Cardiff had gone there. Ivor Allchurch went there too with Bill Jones and from there John went to Hereford and became manager and the next thing I knew, he had finished there and went to Merthyr as manager and he came in here and asked me if I would play for him. That is when he spent three years sitting over there (by bar) and asking ‘shall we do this? Shall we do this?’ and taking my advice, I’d say that ‘I would do this if I were you’ and between us we were alright, he was the manager but eventually after three years, I was playing for him at this time (at Merthyr) and he came in here one morning and he said ‘Mel, I want your advice and your opinion’ and I said ‘what’s the problem?’ and he said ‘Swansea City have invited me down the vetch as assistant manager to Harry Gregg, what do you think? Should I take it?’ well I said ‘hang on now john,’ because at the time he was at Merthyr, the tail end of him being at Merthyr. Harry Gregg came down to Swansea and he stayed here
for a fortnight, stayed in the hotel and I remember him sitting by there and you wouldn’t have met a nicer fella and he’s got daughters, I don’t know if he’s got three girls or something but he idolises them, he was a nice person to speak to, my opinion of Harry Gregg at that time was brilliant. The moment he took over down here and once he signed he moved out of here and went to live in Langland, he must have bought the house and he changed into a different bloke. Anyway, John was asked to go to be assistant to him and I said that he was a nice person as he seemed it when I’d met him before he’d changed. John came and asked me and I said ‘let’s put it this way, Hereford, where are Hereford? They are in the southern league. They are not in the league, Swansea are in the league, I know that you’d be assistant at the moment but if anything happens then its progress for you, you are going in the right direction, you don’t just go from one to another, you go with it, learn from it, and it is your home town, I think it would be a good move for you John’ that was my advice. He packs in with Merthyr and I’m playing for them, I hadn’t thought this thorough, the next minute the whole committee at Merthyr had a meeting and they want me to replace him, I didn’t want to do it. They invited me and my wife up there for a dinner and you know Eddie Thomas the boxing promoter? He was at this dinner and I’m going ‘I’m not doing it, I don’t want to do it’, he had me against the wall, hands around the neck going ‘you are taking the job! You got to take it! You are doing it!’ I didn’t want to do it, I have to be honest but I didn’t want to. I came home from there and they talked me into it and after twelve months of doing it I was paying half the boys wages, £20 to play a game! Couldn’t afford to play in the week but on the weekend they would. I bought them a mini-bus because you couldn’t have them all driving away in cars, sixteen seater minibus, had it all sprayed and give it to them, I redone their board room, their boardroom at the time was the boiler room so I
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52
Mels Memories
did that and I was enjoying it. I got to be honest, I was really enjoying it but I didn’t want to do it in the first place but I did enjoy it, I was playing as well, I enjoyed the challenge. Sometimes I wouldn’t play because I got people up there and I dragged them up there and I wanted to play but I stood back and let them play and after about eighteen months I can remember coming out of the social club one night after playing a game and I’m manager and I controlled the wages and I come out and I used to take my car and there are four other players who came from Swansea and those four and myself would travel up in my car. We are up there and come out of social club and they are heading over the social club and I see the chairman of the club coming out and he calls over Douggie Rosser, one of my players, a mate, then someone else goes over and then someone else and I say ‘what is that?’, well I am manager and he is chairman and he is calling players over to his car ‘is he giving you extra money behind
my back and not telling me?’ and that is what was going on, they were paying players outside of the boundaries which I set and that is wrong. I said hang on a minute, I went into Ken Tucker who kept that club running, can’t say enough good words about Ken and I said ‘ken, call a board room meeting, get everyone together and so I sat down and I said that I’m putting a vote of no confidence in the chairman because I’m manager and he’s’ going behind my back and paying players extra money without me knowing’ they out voted him and we are sitting there and we think that we have to vote in another chairman and they are all looking at me and I’m like ‘no chance, f¬ck off!!’ I’m only here as a manager, honestly, they made me a director and chairman and I was also manager and a player, I was everything!
Stephan Jones
This is my second year raising funds to help the homeless people of South Wales at Christmas time. I will be sleeping on the street in Swansea again for 48 hours 18th - 19th December, this year I am joined by 9 year old Swans fan Keaton Williams 12:00 – 00:00 on the Saturday! Massive heart for such a little man! No one should go without at this time of year, please go to the link below and donate as little as £2 (cost of a beer!) to help someone on the street in our home town or follow us on Facebook – Nowhere-2-go. Thank you all and MERRY CHRISTMAS JACK ARMY!!! https://crowdfunding.justgiving.com/homeless-at-christmas
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�Ic���e� � ��� M�n��
Top Left: THankfully Brooke takes after her mother! Top Right: Osian keeping it in the family Right: Pub in Harrogate worth a trip to Below; Marie Parton has too much time on her hands :)
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58 Cryptic Football I had a letter from David Davies with a cryptic quiz with 20 clues, I am yet to get one; here are the first five, hope you do better than me. I wont publixh any answers until all 20 clues have been given, that was I don’t have to open the envelope with the answers in it and I get to play along as well, I miss out on all the fun usually! All football clubs from 4 English leagues and national league (conference) and Scottish league clubs 1)
Part of body in water
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Part of car in residential house
3)
Spoil the food
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A fit parent
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Animals
Any luck? me neither!!!
Ideas for the magazine?
David phoned me up and said he wanted to contribute this and I’m so glad he did. If you have any ideas youself then please get in touch, always keen to hear new ideas to improve this magazine!! 07880 369545 / info@jackswan.co.uk
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60
J��e� B� S��n�� For my Pa - Clive Davies
Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man.... "You always feel like you have to pee, and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out." "Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old. "No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock -- no problem at all." "So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6:30 I shit like a cow." Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?" "I don't wake up until 7:00."
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J��e� B� S��n�� Seamus was going to be married to Maureen, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. "Seamus, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, "Here, try these on" So, she did and said: "These are too big, I can't wear them" So I replied: "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and always will." Ever since that night we have never had any problems" Seamus thought that might be a good thing to try. So on his honeymoon he took off his pants and said to Maureen: "Here try these on" She did and said: "These are too large, they don't fit me" So Seamus said: "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that" Then Maureen removed her pants, handed them to Seamus and said: "Here, you try mine on" He tried and said: "I can't get into your pants" Maureen said; "Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will" Late in the night he finally regained consciousness.He was in hospital, in terrible pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips in both arms, wearing a breathing mask, with wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him. He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation. The nurse looked straight into his eyes with a deep, serious look, and speaking slowly and clearly, enunciating every word and syllable, said to him "You may not feel anything from the waist down" Somehow he managed to mumble a reply: "Can I feel your tits then?" Italian word for home-schooling of children : tortelloni.
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64 Vital Information All these are facts except 1 which I made up. Which one is made up? answer on answer page 98 1. The UK driving test only has a 50.2% pass rate.
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11. Almost one in six UK motorists has been caught speeding in the last five years.
3. There are around 35,760,901 vehicles currently on UK roads, which is roughly one car for every two people 4. Putting all these cars, buses, vans, trucks and coaches through an MOT could cost as least £1,961,485,419.85 5. Our favourite car colour is silver. There were 7,996,383 silver cars on the roads in 2012. 6. But the highest concentration of pink cars is in Cardiff.
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66
The Fans Think Wha�What ��� F�n� T���� C�n����e� Gareth Davies Good to see Monk getting us to play the Swansea Way at last. We've had to put up with this passing to players, defending our goal and winning malarkey for the last 5 or 6 years now. Through hours on the training pitch Monk has finally returned us to our roots of mislaid passes, dodgy goals and pathetic team spirit. This was the Swansea I was brought up on and it's good to see it again. All we need now is a return to the Vetch and he will have done a tremendous job. Monk in. Mark Samon: Listen, for all jacks who are saying "get monk out" and "sack him" can I just say one thing. Last season, we finished the highest the club has ever finished in the top flight, we made club history under Gary monk. Ok but sure he's going through a bad spell at the moment, but most managers go through bad spells, sure just look at Jose Mourinho, champions league winner, won the league last season with Chelsea and are getting relegated this season. Gary monk came through the club and no else knows more about Swansea city football club so listen stand by our man, stand by our squad, stand by our management team, stand by our club and support the jacks. #prideofwales
Simon Daniels snet me this too:Love this from Big John Hartson by the way...One of the quotes I liked from Garry is they've got to get back to hard work, and that can only been done on the training ground. You can only do so much as a manager, but ultimately the players have to perform and if he's not getting that then he needs to get rid of those players because if you've got poison in the dressing room it's no good. He needs players in that are on board. Garry needs to find that and quickly And Craig Rees sent me this;- U have to be regretting this now mate! There was a time where the Daily Mirror was printing that he was going to be sacked and I hadn’t even recieved the magazines back from the printers at that time!! Live by the sword :)
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68
Mind Puzzles
1) During what month do people sleep the least? 2) What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? 3) What is the centre of gravity? 4) What jumps higher than a building? 5) What stays where it is when it goes off? 6) How many seconds are in a year? 7) What starts with an e but only has a single letter in it? 8) What belongs to you but others use it more than you do? 9) What is a word made up of 4 letters, yet is also made up of 3. Sometimes is written with 9 letters, and then with 4. Rarely consists of 6, and never is written with 5 10) A poor man is sitting in a pub. He sees that the man next to him is extremely rich. Poor man: I have an amazing talent; I know almost every song that has ever existed. The rich man laughs. Poor man: I am willing to bet you all the money you have in your wallet that I can sing a popular song that includes a lady’s name of your choosing. The rich man laughs again. Rich man: OK, how about my daughter’s name, Joanna Armstrong-Miller? The poor man goes home rich. What song did he sing? Say what you see: 11)
p cific a
12)
bidn bidn bidn bidn orange
13)
ground --------London
14)
etunimani
All answers on page 98
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70 Golf Course Review
Celtic Manor 2010 Course Review – July2015 Unfortunately Jack Swan and I haven’t been able to get out onto a course for a round this last month, mainly due to the appalling weather we’ve been having, as well as some work commitments. Because of that, I’ve compiled a review of the 2010 course in Celtic Manor for this month’s magazine, as we both played there back in July. What were your first impressions of the course? Before I get to my first impressions of the course itself, I have to mention the facilities and general pre-round welcome. When we arrived at the 2010 clubhouse, which it must be said is an impressive building with excellent views, we were greeted at reception by a member of staff, and asked to leave our clubs with him. Each member of our group was also asked for their initials, which would be used to engrave a commemorative coin that each player would receive at the end of the round, with the course name and date played also included – which I thought was a very nice touch. We were then shown to the locker room, which is the very same one used by the Ryder Cup teams from 2010. As we were playing early in the morning, we were fortunate enough to be placed in the ‘past champions’ section of the locker room, which houses the lockers of the players that have won the Wales Open. I must admit that I can’t remember who’s locker I was using, but I know Jack Sawan was using Ian Poulter’s, who was the champion in 2003. Once changed we were then bussed to the excellent practice area which was located close to the first tee. Our clubs were waiting for us when we arrived, and we proceeded to warm up on the driving range and putting green prior to heading over to the first tee. Standing on the first tee the first thing that struck me was how beau-
tiful the surrounding views were, especially considering you’re in a low lying area. As well as the views, it’s also important to note how quiet the area is, as the 2010 course is located on a secluded part of the Celtic Manor estate, so it felt very private. The first hole is a Par 4, and plays 411 yards from the Yellow tee. The hole dog legs to the left, but the fairway is wide and therefore provides a welcoming first tee shot. It’s worth noting that prior to your party teeing off, a photographer takes a group picture, and then takes an ‘action shot’ of each person playing off the first (which can be purchased from the club house after the round). This again is a nice touch in my opinion, however I must admit I was concerned for the cameraman’s safety, but fortunately he escaped unscathed as all 4 members of our group managed to hit reasonable tee shots. What was the best hole on the course? I have watched the Wales Open many times, and the hole I was most looking forward to playing before the round was the Par 5 18th. Looking at the yardage book, you may think that this hole isn’t anything special, as it’s pretty much a straight away 545 yard Par 5 (off the Yellow tee), which plays slightly down hill. It’s true that there’s nothing majorly taxing about the tee shot, with the exception of the usual bunkers to avoid, but it’s the approach to the green which is the main feature of the hole. The green is perched above you, directly in front of the 2010 clubhouse, and is proceeded by water and a shaved bank, meaning anything slightly short is going to be punished to the fullest. When playing my round, we were playing into the wind meaning there was no chance really of getting home in two shots (although Jack Swan gave it a good go and ended up about 30 yards short and in the water!). I played the hole as a 3 shotter, with a decent tee shot, a
5wood for position which left me 140 yards to the pin. This was exactly what I had planned prior to starting the round, however I’m sorry to say my 3rd shot was quite the let down. I played an 8 iron, catching it fat, and dumping it into the water just short of the green. I was obviously annoyed but managed to redeem myself somewhat by playing my 5th shot (after taking a drop) stone dead about 18inches away from the hole and tapping in for a bogey, so not a total failure. How fair was the course? The course is a Par 71 and 6,570 yards off the yellow tees, which is considerably longer than the courses I usually play. I had the preconception that this extra length would make the course play very difficult, but that wasn’t the case at all. With wide fairways and large greens, the course is extremely fair even though it is relatively long. There are tee shots which invite you to cut corners and play aggressive, but it doesn’t demand a 250yard carry off every tee, so you can in fact navigate the course if you aren’t the longest of hitters. How difficult is the course? As I said, the course is very fair, but it does have teeth. The layout includes a great deal of water, as well as numerous bunkers, and it invites you to take aggressive lines, especially from the tee, as you will be rewarded with shorter approaches to the greens. Course management is key, so if you’re not driving the ball particularly well, then more conservative lines will need to be taken. I was personally playing very well from the start of the round, playing to my handicap which was pretty good going considering I’ve never played the course before. Because of my good play, I was taking aggressive lines, and this eventually caught up with me on the back 9, and a couple of really bad holes basically destroyed my score…..so you have been warned! What was the best thing about it? It’s difficult to single out one thing, as so many things have been done well here. The course layout is fantastic, and keeps you on your toes the whole way around. As
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well as the layout, the general condition of the course was pretty much perfect, with immaculate tee boxes, fairways and greens, which is exactly what you would expect from a championship standard course. What was the worst thing? The course itself is without flaw in my opinion. The only thing I would have changed about the day would have been more time spent in the practice area prior to starting the round, which we were unfortunately not afforded. I personally don’t need a lot of time to warm up before a round, but even I felt a bit rushed, with only 1015 minutes allocated time in the practice area. I’m aware that the course is busy and that there’s limited space to practice, meaning they can’t allow people to be there for hours before the round, but I feel 20-30 minutes as a minimum should be allocated before the round. How snobby were the members? No snobbery whatsoever was see, the members and staff were extremely welcoming. How well kept was the course generally? As I’ve already mentioned, the course was unbelievably well kept, and an absolute joy to play. Out of 10, how good were the greens? I’d give the greens 10 out of 10, without question the best greens I’ve ever played on.
walk. The next time I play there I will in fact be walking the course, as I personally don’t see the need for a buggy unless you’re really unfit. How good were the views? Considering the low lying nature of the course, the views were actually very beautiful. As mentioned previously, the course is very secluded and has a private feel to it, which most definitely enhances the views of the surrounding landscape. How easily did you get through without being held up? We were not held up by any other patrons, and therefore didn’t need to play through. Conclusion? This is without a doubt the best course I have ever played. Not only is it excellently designed and set up, but it is also maintained to the highest possible standard. The course can be expensive to play, but it’s most definitely worth the money…..I look forward to playing it again, once the weather eases up a bit ;) All the best, Wannabe Pro.
How inventive was the course (different obstacles / hole lengths)? As mentioned previously, the course layout was fantastic with the various hazards utilised to their fullest potential. How hilly / tiring was the course? We actually used buggies during this round, but the majority of the course is flat, and would provide an easy
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74 Jack Swan Tries There was a time when football was my whole life and my TV was covered in it. A free evening in front of the box meant either watching a match or watching sky sports news on repeat for a few hours. Then I became a geek!!!
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I just can’t get enough of space and all things science and geeky at the moment. It’s fucking awesome!!! I had to throw that swear word in there for some kind of street cred, as though it is OK to enjoy watching a documentary about one of Saturn’s moons as long as you use some foul language from time to time! When I’m not rapping or throwing some beats out on my beat box (both blatant lies), I’m constantly on BBC Iplayer trying to find a sky at night which I haven’t seen before or something of some sort which can help fry my brain with the complexities of this amazing universe. But, until a few days ago, I had never looked through a telescope, this was before I went to Stargazers retreat in the Brecon Beacons. The beacons have recently been granted ‘star status’ (it has a proper name, that’s not it but it means it’s dark and really awesome to see the stars). So we book to go up there on a Wednesday evening which really annoyed my mates at Wednesday club as Wednesday is the best drinking night of the week in the local!! We booked a few days before we went and it was right in the middle of the horrendous rain we’d been having (I wrote this a while back, I was being optimistic; it was in the first couple of weeks of this horrendous weather which has now lasted at least six weeks and shows no sign of stopping, it wasn’t ‘the middle’). The forecast said
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that Wednesday evening was clear and we thought we’d go with it. On the day the forecast was more accurate and said that it would begin to clear about 9 and be totally clear about 11. We drive up towards Trecastle and my nose is on the windscreen and I’m driving 10 miles an hour at most, rain is bouncing from the floor, visibility is appalling, it’s not looking too promising. We keep going, past where all the kids swim in the summer, past the cattle grid at the top and we noticed one star in the sky and then another and then realised that amongst this atrocious rain there was a clear patch in the sky and as we got to the retreat and got out, the rain had stopped and the sky was already absolutely mesmerizing.
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We were stopping for the night and the place is stunning, set in the middle of nowhere the building is an old stable which looks as though it would have been too small to keep a horse, they have somehow managed to get a bath-
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Jack Swan Tries.... Offering an activity locally and want Jack Swan to come and try it, write about it and let thousands of readers know about it? GET IN TOUCH info@jackswan.co.uk 01792 862129
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76 Jack Swan Tries room, bed, kitchen, sofa and TV all within this building and it makes it lovely and cosy, it really is nicely done! We didn’t realise how amazing the grounds are around it until the next morning but it is set in the most awesome place, the owners really have the ‘good life’ going on with chickens and veg growing and I was insanely jealous I must admit. I could have moved there right then! lived in the old stable, it was possibly the nicest place I have stayed in; gorgeous! We got ourselves settled in and we arranged with Richard (the owner) to give us a knock about eleven o’clock to show us the telescope, which he did. Let me just emphasise the excitement which I had about this, I’ve been a geek for about a year now but a real proper one for the last six months, I don’t want to talk in the pub about how well Ozil is playing at the moment, I want to talk about how stars are created or how Gold is found on the surface of the world; this was seriously exciting!!
and Richard was really knowledgeable and gave me the kind of conversation which I have yearned for while pretending to care about some German at Arsenal to people! PLUS although stars are really boring through a telescope; planets are amazing!!! There weren’t any planets for us to see when we were there (unless we got up at 4am) but Richard showed us video footage of what he had seen through his telescope previously and you can see Saturn in this picture here:-
So exciting that when I returned to my local pub the following week, the landlord said to me ‘how was the star gazing?’ as though my Wednesday club missing was noticed and that people had realised that my geekyness had reached a new level. Sadly my answer was ‘it was pretty shit to be honest!’ The disappointment!!! The landlord did make me feel a bit of an idiot when he said ‘what did you expect to see? Some alien waving at you!’ because stars are stars. You can’t see bugger all, they are just little dots and they are little dots whether they are looked at through a telescope or just looking up in the sky. Looking at stars through a telescope is pretty pointless in reality. However, and it is a massive ‘however’ I didn’t need a telescope to appreciate the stars there. It was amazing just being in the middle of nowhere with no light pollution and seeing the universe above you. It was absolutely magic and the cabin and everything there was brilliant
That is what I want to see!! That is up to the excitement which I had set myself up for. Stars are really boring unless we were to borrow the Hubble telescope or something but the place is amazing, go there anyway but try and time it with a planet in view. I will next time and there will definitely be a next time!! Bookings can be made through Brecon Beacons Holiday Cottages or direct with Richard and Jenny please at Stargazers Retreat.
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78 Who is next? While the blood dries on the carpet, we take a look at who might be paying particular attention at Eastlands on Saturday... David Moyes What you get: 1-1 draws. Lots of praise for effort. Like Rossini on Wagner: “He has wonderful moments, and awful quarters of an hour.” Why’s he available: Brief time with Sociedad ended after discontent and press harassment around his understanding of the Spanish game, and attempts to drill all creativity out of his side. Currently: Favourite, although he’s said he’s not interested. Gus Poyet What you get: Everything. Bust ups, big wins, humiliations, shits in the away dressing room. Why he’s available: Because he’s beginning to look like a pretty awful manager. Not great at Brighton, not great at Sunderland, would be arriving from a mediocre division. Prone to sharing out the blame and grasping any credit. Currently: Second favourite, although rumours that the press box had a whip round for a trip to Ladbroke’s remain unconfirmed... Brendan Rodgers What you get: “Outstanding.” Whether he’s de-icing the car or losing at home to Palace. Why he’s available: Jurgen Klopp. And that Steve Gerrard song. Currently: Third favourite, but he again says he’s not interested, and it may well be mutual. Never go back... Mark Warburton What you get: A shocking lack of top flight experience and managerial experience generally. Why he’s available: He isn’t, so compensation will be a factor, if he can be persuaded to leave Scotland’s second biggest club in Scotland’s second biggest league. Currently: Pretty long, for obvious reasons. Marco Bielsa What you get: International experience, a respected figure and meticulous attention to detail. And bloody attacking football.
Why he’s available: He walked out on Marseille after one game this season citing differences with the board. Currently: Outsider for some, out of the frame for most. Dennis Bergkamp What you get: Frank de Boer’s assistant (Frank de Boer not included). Why he’s available: Strictly, he isn’t, unless he’s overcome his fear of flying and decided to leap into management. Currently: Big in the papers, even bigger at the bookies. Couldn’t be that Arsenal legend Dennis Bergkamp’s a bigger story than Brendan Rodgers, surely... Jorge Sampaoli What you get: The world’s foremost expert on Chilean football. Why he’s available: He isn’t. And he hasn’t coached outside Chile. Currently: In Chile. Nigel Pearson What you get: The sort of Davy Jones lunatic who calls people ostriches, or strangles opposition players over a throw in. Why he’s available: Because he’s a press liability, his son did a racism in the country of his employers and his side were atrocious. Currently: As likely as Giggs, Southgate and Jaap Stam. Steve Clarke What you get: Scottishness. Sensible football, sensible signings, sensible suits. Why he’s available: He lost to Cardiff. Currently: Probably in the queue outside Elland Road. The Rest... Dick Advocaat, the man who quit football twice in the last 18 months, Chelsea’s Roberto di Matteo, Gianfranco Zola, Glenn Hoddle and Dan Petrescu (no Dennis Wise, Ruud Gullit or Luca Vialli? Perhaps they could all come down together...),Alan Irvine, Chris Hughton, Neil Warnock, Malky MacKay and other Championship-level wildcards, Harry Redknapp (working knees optional), Tim Sherwood, Steve Bruce...the usual. Careful if you’re going to the club shop this weekend, if you wear a suit, you might be 25/1 by Monday... Robin Hill
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80 Who do you want So who do you want then? Some of these may not be entirely serious!!
Toni de Freitas Probably out of Swansea’s reach, but I think André Villas Boas would be a great fit.
Spenser Davies Alex Ferguson!
Jonathan Scott Oscar garcia
Jordan McGuire Colin Addison
Mark Price Zola
David Alder Jimi Hadziabdic
Aled Jones Di Matteo
Gareth E Morgan Walter mazzuri
Robert Day Frankie burrows
Steve Nicholas Moyes
Andrew Albones Big Ron
Stephan Jones Redknapp
Emyr Evans Phillip Cocu
Simon Flash Richards Bergkamp or Di matteo
John Aldron Clarence Seedorf?
Tim Rendell Nigel Pearson
Andrew Jones Garry monk
Ed Johns Aitor Karanka or Bergkamp perhaps
Alex Collins Jordi Cruyff
Tom Skittlebomb Crawford Lucien Favre. Check out his coaching style... Would be perfect for us.
Robert Melen Lee, Lee, Lee Trundle
Richard David Shields Terry toshack Steven Edwards I will go for chris coleman Terry Greenslade Alex Ferguson.
Mike Harry Phil tuffnel lets all party. Fck it Ioan Ryan Davies Ryan Giggs for me Hopefully there will be a new manager in place by the time you read this anyway and this is a totally wasted page :)
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82 Jack Swan Eats Food Ja�� 3 course meal for £9 and its one of the best places to eat in Swansea!! Got your attention?
I was either going to go with that to entice you in or this: ‘I met this guy in a sauna’. Both are true and more than capable of grabbing your attention. I treat the sauna as a second office (I say ‘second’ as though I have a first one!) but I often end up chatting with people in there and on this occasion, I got chatting to Stephen about the Vanilla Pod in Gower college which is the restaurant within the Hospitality training department of the college. It is where people with aspirations of working in the cheffing industry go if they want to be seriously good at it! The restaurant is within the main building of the college, easily missed although there is no resemblance of the college once in there; not to put down the decor of any colleges out there but the room is very ‘high brow’ as you say and very calming; restaurant like, if you wish. We walked into the room and we were introduced to our waiters who were Cameron and Connor. On the course the pupils learn all aspects of the catering industry and so the ‘to-be chefs’ will also learn how to take orders and pour wine etc.... which I’m guessing gives them a better understanding of everything, I suppose it would be a bit like getting Marvin Emnes to work as a steward for one match or to clean the bogs after the game. He may understand more of the football club and we may actually get something back from the wages we pay him... The whole waiter experience does feel a bit OTT initially. Cameron and Connor were both absolutely brilliant and I have no doubt that they will go far in their chosen career but it was a bit strange at times having very formal waiters at lunch in a college. Within a while you get used to it and relax although I still don’t know why some things were being passed to me from my right and others from my left but then I’m happy to use a fork to eat soup. The menu came and looked superb; I could have chosen anything at all from it (barring the mushroom dish; evil fungi). I went for a goat’s cheese starter and the presentation was as good as I have seen and my first bite was incredible. It wasn’t too strong and it was accompanied with a spicy tomato
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I have a slight confession to make. Last issue when I ate vegetarian food in an Indian and made a slight deal about ‘trying being a Vegi’ ; I was actually in a bizarre time of my life where I wasn’t eating meat at all! It lasted the best part of a month and I actually freaked myself out; I woke up one morning and decided that I fancied getting slightly healthier; cut out beer and meat; and I did it!! That was the slightly bizarre thing. The really, really bizarre thing was that I really enjoyed it. I loved eating different foods; the challenge of going through a day and eating three meals that consisted of no meat. At no point did I care in the slightest about the animals involved; they are put on this planet to be eaten! But I was eating healthier, cheaper and actually nicer food! Anyway, I got that out of my system! What a weird month!!! I’m a meat eating MAN again!! Ring the chutney neck, whichcook wentitreally wellgarlic with it. It did chicken’s in some and stickgetit aonbitmy much after whileI headed though, to it was one ofwith thoseVegi! dishes plate!!!!! Thisaissue Uplands; which seemed to get a bit sickly the more you ate, would
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84 Jack Swan Eats Food have been perfect for a buffet where you would just have a taster. For the main meal I went for chicken with a pesto sauce and pasta and it came out looking fantastic too. They then brought out sautéed potatoes to go with it (potatoes with pasta I thought?) and carrots and the best looking peas I have ever seen. This wasn’t your usual frozen peas rubbish, this was peas cooked in white wine and some other fancy pancy green things as well; I could have just had a bowl of them!! Outstanding peas!!!! And the potatoes and pasta got on perfectly well, borderline best friends!! Top notch main meal!!!! We were offered a non-alcoholic cocktail which we politely accepted and it was like Christmas in a glass! I have been really bad at my job and didn’t take a photo of it and I apologise unreservedly to you all for that as it was a good sight and tasted superb. It had sugar around
the rim of the glass (kind of in a Heston Bloomentile way) and you could taste this as you drunk the ginger (and other things which remind me of Christmas; I don’t know, Cinnamon?). A good drink!! Throw in some brandy next time!! For dessert I went for the crumble. Blackberry and Apple with a crumble biscuit and ice cream. The biscuit was really crunchy and actually quite difficult to break up but the fruit was bang on and was also full of the kind of spices which you get at Christmas (if you want to read a proper review with proper words then get a proper magazine, if not stop moaning!! You know what I mean!!). I hugely recommend you booking yourself a trip to Vanilla Pod. The food is really, really good, the price is ridiculous; I know that they have different set evenings from time to time and so it’s worth keeping an eye out and seeing what is coming up. I will return.
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86 Poets on the Hill And fags and ashes My ‘ills dichotomy.
The Tale Of Two ‘ills The shards of glass The blossom petals The cigarette papers The waving trees The glinting sign Of Chicken On The Hill Our candle in the window Momentous view pickled by city lights This ‘ill is alright like. The battered park The swirling mist Thick With lost dreams and thinking walkers Talkers Cawing by the Nisa Filling the air with fruity language But I tell you what, They’d give you the ham from their last sandwich My ‘ills dichotomy See.
The arthritic tree The hazy light Blackberries hanging onto the trees Tight. The weathered faces The authenticity The solidarity The history See My ‘ills dichotomy. By Zoe Murphy
Seaside candour Social club vigour Rusty prams Abandoned toy diggers The sunset fingering through The metal railings A ball of blossom Above my fingers. Tale of two ‘ills. Flaking blue bus stop Hidden plots The view from the top Of the pavement cracks Sinking into a natural world Of yellow petalled pearls And thinking benches Clinking glasses
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88 Poets On the Hill Past The Plonkers Past the plonkers, The bonkers, The bankers, The wa….self pleasurers. Past the city treasurers, The triangular sandwich packet snackers, Past the crackers. Past the race makers, heartbreakers, Liberty takers, The failers, The marshmallow cappuccino topping shakers, The shirkers, The smirkers, The workers, The believers, The beleaguered bashful, Past the cynical, Past the dare to be dreamers. By Dorian Phillips. Find info on them and their upcoming performances on Facebook: Poets On The Hill https://www.facebook. com/groups/1404242866503911/
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90 How to Advertise! It amazes me how many people ask the question ‘how do I get an advert in there?’ when we drop off the magazines. In fairness, we do have quite a bizarre system but for those of you who haven’t worked it out yet, here it is:Firstly, get a large pot. Large enough for you to get into yourself; eBay is a good place to search but be careful and always pay attention to the delivery charges as pots of this size can be very expensive to deliver. Once you have the pot, you will need to start a fire. Outside is usually best but if it’s raining then I suggest you break into a large hall, maybe a community centre where you may be able to use some wooden chairs as firewood. Make sure the ceilings are high enough and open windows to let the smoke out. So once you get the fire going, you can put the pot on top of the fire. Be careful, make sure it is stable and secure but you’re clearly not stupid as you have already got this far and followed these instructions very well. Next you will need a little oil. Engine oil is ideal but sunflower oil would suffice. Next is the tricky bit, you will need a small ginger and white cat. Please be aware that you can only start looking for the cat once the fire has started and the oil warm. Don’t cheat with this; don’t think that you can catch the cat then start the fire because it simply won’t work! Once you have managed to catch the ginger and white cat then release it; it holds no purpose. What do you
think we were going to do? Ask you to skin it alive and put it in the pot? Come on!! Next is slightly wacky I must admit. You dial the following into your phone; zero, seven, eight, eight, zero, three, six, nine, five, four, five and then press the call button. Somebody should answer the phone and you can book or discuss the options with that person. That person will tell you what to do with the pot when you speak to them. Incidentally, if you actually did buy a pot, start a fire in a community centre, traumatised and then released a ginger and white cat then I suggest trying this number before contacting us: ‘nine, nine, nine’ and just explain what you have done and make it very clear that you had no instructions from anybody to do anything....
As well as 5,000 copies printed and delivered from Mumbles to Abercrave and Britton Ferry to Gowerton. Our online magazine is viewed the world over! www.jackswan.co.uk
Best Football Shirt of the Week! Wear your football shirt into Cutting Corner in Mumbles when you have your hair cut and not only will you get 50p off your haircut but the best shirt each week will have their picture in the window and right here in Jack Swan magazine. Get your retro kit out!
Cutting Crew MUMBLES Gents and kids hair studio
Price List: Gents Cuts - £8.00 Student (under 16’s) - £7.00 / Under 5’s £3.50 - £5.00 Senior Citizens - Cut all over - £6.50. Back & Sides £6.00 Shave all over - £6.00 / Beard Trim - £3
Opening Times Mon - Fri 9 - 5:50 Saturday 9 -5 Deal of Month
66 Newton Road, Mumbles, Swansea
01792 367136
kellymmons@hotmail.co.uk
50p off when you wear a football shirt!! PLUS have your ears off if you wear a Cardiff one!!
92Swanning
Round the Universe
Which is more Powerful -
The space between your ears or the space beyond our planet? All that potential... and do you believe in it? Paddy Stradlin A short but thoughtful piece from Paddy this issue gave me space for the follwing from Ian Glendenning, I am on Ian’s mailing list and so get interesting emails from him from time to time and this grabbed my attention. He has told me that you are more than welcome to be added to his mailing list too if you are interested in things like this: (ian.glendenning@live.co.uk) In the early hours of Nov 25th, by the light of the Beaver Full Moon, I saw something that I had never seen before: a moonbow across the sky. The conditions needed are strong moonlight with falling rain. Due to the sometimes abysmal weather we have in Britain it means witnessing a moonbow, whilst not frequent, will not be rare. I was reliably informed that a moonbow was seen in W Wales in Aug and such reports motivated me to remember to look for one. One requirement is not to give up on the possibilities for a night's viewing. Here, just a couple of hours earlier the sky was completely laden with raining clouds, yet now 2 h later the sky partially cleared and the Moon emerged. Diametrically opposite in the sky there appeared an arc of ethereal beauty but with such changeable conditions also most ephemeral too. So I took the shot as quickly as I could and sure enough it disappeared within minutes "like the snow falls in the river, a moment white - then melts forever". Another reason for being quick is that, unusually, the astrophotograph has to be taken in rain!
Hope this comes out well in print :)
s l a i c e p Our S
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£9.9 ECIAL P S H C LUN :30pm OURSE TWO C vailable 12 - 2 A H S LUNC R O I N E S 5 es £7.9 2 Cours hursdays ys & T Tuesda
LUNCH .95 LADIES Of Wine £11 s s la es & A G lunch 2 Cours ry Monday L e v E H Y LUNC From SUNDA ts Or Choose u e Men Of Mea Variety Our Lunch Tim A h it m W tion Of m & 2p A Selec rvings At 12p 2 Se £9.95
Large range of Fish & Vegetarian Dishes
Open 7 Days a Week
Book Your Table Online WEBSITE: www.chaplinssteakhouse.co EMAIL: reservations@chaplinssteakhouse.co TEL: 01792 368087 Deal of Month
FREE Bottle of wine with two people having lunch if you answer bonus question on page 68
94 The Secret Breakfasteer As it stands at the moment
1st 1st 1st 4th 5th 6th 7th 8th 9th 10th
The Penny Black, Burry Port The Play Quarter, Ystradgynlais Marquis Arms Brownsters Cafe, Clydach Bro's Cafe, Port Talbot The Skyline cafe, Gylncorwg Bike Cntre Uplands Diner, Uplands Changs, Neath Tambinis Express Junction Cafe on roundabout Ystalyfera
Marquis Arms, Camarthan Road, Fforestfach Before Christmas shopping we decided to go for breakfast. This time we visited the Marquis Arms which is part of the Sizzler chain. We arrived around 10 o’clock and there was about half a dozen people there. We chose our table, had a look at the menu and went to the bar with our table number and breakfast requests. My wife chose the ‘Classic Breakfast’ £2.69, which consisted of egg, bacon, quality pork sausage, grilled tomato, hash brown and beans and a choice of toast. I opted for the ‘Sizzling Breakfast’£4.69, which was served on a large skillet and consisted of 2 eggs, 2 bacon, 2 sausages, grilled tomato, mushrooms all served on a bed of fried potato and onion hash with a choice of toast. I do have to say the ‘Sizzling Breakfast’ certainly did sizzle, it was the noisiest breakfast I have ever had! To drink we had a pint of orange juice and for £1 an unlimited supply of tea or coffee.
The breakfast arrived in around 5 minutes and was well presented. They were the best sausages I have had to date. My wife said they were delicious however I felt the outside could have been cooked
25.5 25.5 25.5 25 24.5 24 23.5 21.5 21 20.5
just a little longer to give the outside a firmer texture to bite into! Overall we all enjoyed our breakfasts although there was no option for fried bread and I would have liked a hash brown with my breakfast even though it was served with a potato and onion hash. Location: 7 ½ Quality: 9 Price: 9
25.5 30
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on th s ’ t a h W
S A M T CHRIS Fri 18th Dec SILVER
Sat 19th Dec BREAKFAST WITH SANTA 10AM - 12PM
Sun 20th Dec CHRISTMAS RAFFLE DRAW NIGHT
Mon 21st Dec KIDS CHRISTMAS PARTY 3PM-6PM
Wed 23rd Dec CHRISTMAS QUIZ & ROCK ‘N ROLL BINGO
CHRISTMAS EVE THE VIP’S
BOXING NIGHT THE C90s
NEW YEARS EVE EMERGENCY FUND WITH DISCO
Dunvant Road Dunvant Swansea SA2 7SL 01792 208112
96 P n - es P���n�-�es� P���n��n�! P n n ! We have all been there, (well those of us with kids) the football is on TV and we don’t get to watch hardly any of it as we are too busy entertaining the little monsters. I asked Claire from Munchkinos Childminding to try and come up with a solution. It’s Chhhhhrrrrissstmas……………. The celebration of International Fairy Day during June This isme such a busy time yearactivity for most families, gave inspiration for aofnew . This is one that every oneoutside rushingand here there and everywhere can start end up indoors in time for the trying to fit 36points hours should into a 24 day. It’s match. Bonus behour awarded foreasy fresh air to forget it’s a and timeguilt to relax spend quality should and creativity freeand football watching time with your family. This month’s activity is ensue. about spending time together and creating a gift for someone that costs nothing, but will mean a Indoor Gardens lot. The children at Munchkinos really enjoyed making Spend time together fairy gardens outside and asked if they could take Take ahome familytowalk through the woods and enjoy them show their parents. So we collecting pinethe cones, holly, in fact came up with idea leaves, of recreating the anythinginyou find shoe that you think gardens empty boxes. It'swould a very look nice displayed in a jar. Unusual shaped twigs, pieces of bark and even pebbles are great. Wash them in a activity can keep your little munchkins colander dry withhave kitchen roll. going for and ages.pat It doesn't to be a fairy garden. We have made monster During alien the match homes, planets, prehistoric lands , Set upparks the items havethe foundin the corner of farms, and ayou jungle possibilithe are room with the glass jar (you can use plastic if ties endless. (See photos; scale the children too young to useface the glass ones) obviously notare important Smiling and encourage them to try out different displays (black and white)) until they find one that they like. This activity lastedyou 1.5 hours What need with our children; plenty of time to watch the match. When the display is complete they can add the lid (shoe and decorate it. We also An empty container box or similar) added a battery operated tealight that added warmth the display.your child decides Any smalltotoys/props An imagination Alternatives Sprayto the pinecones with glitter hair spray or glue How create your garden them and add normal glitter. You could even spay them with airtime freshner add a splash of paint. Spend some with or your child Wishing you a very park Merry exploring theall garden, orChristmas any greenand a HappyTake Newsome Year, from of us atbits Munchkinos. space. time all to collect they think would help to create a
Supplies even painted the stones to make them look prehistoric (for the dinosaur garden). Take all of your materials inside along with an empty box and allow your child Recycled glass to be creative whilstjar you watch the football. They can
Pine cones smiling eyes Holly
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Foliage Optional: tea light
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98 Quiz Answers Quiz Answers Vital Information; France! Genuine! The Cardiff one is true! Mind Puzzles 1) February, it’s the shortest month after all. 2) A carrot 3) V 4) Everything, buildings don’t jump 5) An alarm clock 6) Only 12. January 2nd, February 2nd, etc 7) An envelope 8) Your name 9) Correct, the word ‘what’ has 4 letters in it, ‘yet’ has three, ‘sometimes’ has 9, ‘then’ has 4, ‘rarely’ has 6, and ‘never’ has 5. (thats annoyed you ain’t it!!!) 10) Happy birthday 11) A drop in the ocean 12) Forbidden fruit 13) London Underground 14) Back in a minute ( read clue backwards; not sure on that one!!!) 15) Face up to reality
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D N U FO
Someone Clever!!
We have found someone clever! I’d love to hear from other clever people though. Be good to have a specialist writing something interesting in the magazine. Get In touch 07880 369545 info@jackswan.co.uk
Don’t Foget To Show Your Card! If In Doubt; ASK!!!
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