Issue 45 by Jack Swan

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Editorial Race to Player of the Year Tates Tales What The Fans Think 1-0 To The Italian Form Finder Are You a Spoilt Kid? Swans Eleven with Jonjo Swans eleven with Bodde History Quiz Cover Story Mind Puzzles Fantasy Football The Top 2 Inches Picture Quiz Jokes By Spense Mel’s Memories Pictures Of The Month Name the Car More From Spense Vital Information

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Jack Sounds The Interview Reviews Gig Review The Last Word

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Golf Course Review Poets On The Hill Swaning Around The Universe Secret Breakfastear Parentless Parenting Quiz Answers

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With Jack Sounds!!

Starts Page 66

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The win at Arsenal totally ruined what could well have been an exciting end to the season!! Bloody Curtis! Bloody Ash!!!!

That is it now isn’t it? I think so anyway. I struggle to see us not picking up three more points before the end of the season and I can’t see two out of the bottom four getting past 36. I won’t go making any front cover statements yet though!! The win up at the Emirates was huge, totally unexpected and it gave us all a big boost and it probably gave us the Norwich win too. There was nothing in that game but you just felt like we were on a roll and the Canaries were rolling down a hill and that’s how football goes sometimes, a win can lead to two! We are very grateful Mr Wenger!! It is a weird time to be a Swans fan right now. The whole club seems in total limbo at the moment, we’ve obviously been unsure about what league we would be playing in, who the manager is, the stadium seems to have gone quiet (again) and nobody would bet against an outside investor joining the ranks come the summer.

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However, Personally I feel like the limbo is slowly changing from a nervous worry to a bubbling excitement. Change is exciting in football, it generally is anyway and it has pretty much always worked out best for the Swans over the last fourteen or so years. Over the coming weeks once we (hopefully) secure safety, the rumour mill starts and we are entering a summer knowing that we are in the hunt for a manger. It is totally knew for us, we have entered summers worrying that we might have to find a new manager, desperately hoping that Brendan would stay, Martinez would stay, even Laudrup after his first season!

But this time is different; there is no fear about losing a manager or any players for that matter. We will enter the summer looking around Europe and linking ourselves with top managers remembering that there are only 26 richer clubs in Europe! Arguably only 26 jobs more alluring! That’s not many jobs that! Rafa just gone to Newcastle. He’s a Champions League winner, won La Liga, his last post was at one of the top 3 clubs in the world and he’s gone to Newcastle! But why wouldn’t he? Newcastle are probably the 25th richest club in the world, there aren’t many better jobs! So who is our limit? De Boer? Di Matteo? Inzaghi? Brendan? Mourinho? The special one is clearly not coming but there are probably only a handful of managers out of work who you could rule out. If there are only 26 ‘better’ jobs then there aren’t many better vacancies and so if (as we are) a club is in a position where it can take its time over an appointment and scan the field then there is no reason why we can’t get someone really exciting in! And then we turn to the players! Then we get linked to Dutch internationals if it is De Boer, Italian stallions if its Inzaghi or Joey Allen if its Brendan! It is the future and it’s not far away and it is going to be really exciting!!! The next step!!! Almost as exciting as the Jack Swan awards night!!!

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Race to Player of the Year

These are the top three as it stands for the race to be Jack Swan player of the year! Siggy He is our best player, our most talented and the one with the ability to change a game in a heartbeat and he has finally come to life after being too quiet at the start of this season. He didn’t have an overly impressive season last term by his standards. If he was able to perform to his current level on a more regular basis then he will be one of the better players in the league. His work rate is what I really love to see, he really does run his socks off and gives everything to the team. I watched him take on Fabianski one on one on SwansTV at the start of the season (‘one on one on’ looks funny that!!) and he is an incredible finisher, either foot. You just know that he is going to score when he is put in certain positions. Our long term plan may be finding how to get the very best out of him and recruit a summer striker around his talent. Leon It is no coincidence that we fair better with our little maestro in the team and the whole city is a better place with him at the heart of the side. Heart on sleeve and exactly who you want in the trenches with you in a dog fight, he seems to prove doubters wrong again and again and then still isn’t appreciated fully. His tactical positioning is every bit as good as Claude Makalele was but he recycles the ball with a better pass completion rate than Xavi did. Every ex-Swans player who has played with him has put him in their Swans eleven when we have asked them for their team for this magazine. A magic player with a good few years left at the top, the greatest player that I have seen wearing our shirt, the best Englishman never to win a cap, I run out of things to say about him to be honest. I will repeat; start building the statue!! Ash A couple of wins and poor Neil Taylor gets knocked out of the top 3. Our left back divides opinion but for me he is a regular 6.5 out of ten. He is rarely worse but rarely much better and for most of this season 6.5 out of ten has been easily good enough to break into our top three players but I feel that these three have just broken that average score for the season. Ash started unbelievably, he was the best defender in the league up until Wales secured qualification for the Euros and then he had a dramatic change of fortune which he seems to of only just recovered from. Back to near his best, the side have picked up some vital clean sheets and he’s organised the backline fairly well when we have failed to threaten at the other end. Two goals in a shirt space of time too?? Crazy!!!! Special Mention Barrow: Totally underused in my opinion and used completely wrong when he is. The guy is a real threat, I go into this further into the magazine and so won’t get into too much detail on it but I really like the guy, he seems to get around the park and threaten defences.

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Tates Tales

Our next chat with Alan Tate looks at the 08-09 season where we spent our first campaign in the Championship.

How difficult was it not knowing where you were playing each week? You played left back, right back and centre back?

After that promotion, did you feel that we could stay up? Again it seemed insane to me.

I always thought of myself as tactically good and so it was never really a problem, I always saw it as a positive and sort of more strings to your bows as against nailing down one position and only being able to do one thing. Always been a team player and wanted what was best for the team and not just for me.

The aim was never to stay up. The aim externally might have been but internally it was the play-offs. And we nearly did Yeah we nearly did. Think we finished 8th didn’t we? Because I didn’t start the season, I was coming back from a couple of holidays overweight and Rob wasn’t happy. First game of the season was against QPR and the game after someone got injured and I ended up going in and then the same the game after, the same thing happened and I ended up going on after that and then I played the rest of the season as left back.

Because some people say that you’re better off having one fixed position. Would you say that it was beneficial to your career being able to play in more than one

You were back playing again, at the highest level that you had played at, how did you find the Championship? Did you feel comfortable with the level? Yeah, always found it ok. Because you are playing with better players as well, we had brought better players in and always found it easier, especially the way that we were playing, passing it instead of booting it down the line and trying to sort of get near their box to get a cross in; found it a lot easier yeah.

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position? 100% yeah. Especially down here. Like I said, it was always about the team rather than myself and whether I was playing left back, right back, centre defence, centre midfield or in goal then it didn’t make a difference to me You also played in goal that season; what was that like? Did you enjoy it? Yeah I didn’t mind it. It was the second time that I had played in goal as I played away at Hartlepool when Rodge done his back in and so it was the second time that I had played in goal and yeah I enjoyed it!! Think I’m the only keeper in the world with a 50% clean sheet record! Conceded one at Hartlepool and none at QPR That is decent that. Although Rangel has a 100% clean sheet record! Don’t count one game!!! haha When did you realise that it was down to you? I’ve always known. I’ve always known that I would be sub keeper. If we didn’t have a keeper then I always knew that I was going in. Did you ever practice? Yeah, I used to mess about at the end of training having the lads take shots at me so yeah, it was always going through my head yeah.

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What fans think

Have the board once again been proved right with their spending plans or have they just got lucky? Emyr Evans It always comes down to luck. There is an element of street smarts by the board but luck plays the biggest part Ash Swansea Jack Thomas To be fare we have been lucky thanks to Siggi and Ayew scoring our goals. Fer turned out to be a good loanee and Alberto seems good, willing to try.. I think he may get really good but we need new players. Ian Harding Is scraping results to crawl away from relegation zone really signs of a successful window? Personally I think there were better players available for the money that was spent on Paloschi, he is hardly setting the world alight. Swans don’t look a single bit like the team that every neutral fan used to enjoy watching. Craig Rees We aren’t safe yet! So could still bite them on the arse!

Tony Davies Yes! Alberto i think will become a great player for us, getting rid of Shelvey was a master stroke, Fer has been good so far would like to see him stay, i was worried we didn’t sign a backup for Taylor, but to be fair Kingsley looks more than capable like Davies was, January is never a good time to spend big, just look at Newcastle. I think big changes are going to happen in the summer though David Meyrick It’s not easy to attract quality players to a club like ours struggling at the wrong end of the table in January. Made good money on Shelvey. Fer and Paloschi look like good signings. This league is so competitive there isn’t much between 6th and 16th. Martin Davies Looking at the table a top 10 is not out of the question even thou swans got a tough run in - safety first then see what can be done , we got a good board who knows how to run the club luck is no doubt is to do with it but a sensible approach helps in the transfer market , always needs fresh players and move some on but not whole teams changes

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1-0 to the Italian

The Premier League is the most competitive league in the world. There is no easy game (except Aston Villa who recently lost to their under 21s) but it is even more difficult when you are behind in a match. Under Laudrup we gave away the first goal far too often and easily and it was this that cost him his job. We were a good side at 0-0, often creating the better chances and then we’d give away a sloppy goal and then it is a different game. You hear that a lot in football ‘a different game’, there are still 22 players on the pitch and the ball is round but the difference between being 1-0 up and 1-0 down is huge in this league. We were an outstanding side under the Dane when we did score first, sides would be forced to push up and take more chances and we would break with explosive pace and had a brilliant record of converting a 1-0 lead into three points. I wish Guidolin a speedy recovery and do hope to see him back really soon but I don’t think that it is totally a coincidence that our wins have come when he’s been on his sick bed. Swansea picked up two points in the last four matches that he managed and we had led in three of them. Seven points dropped in four matches from winning positions and it seemed clear that we would continue to drop more unless we changed our stereotypical Italian philosophy while holding a one-nothing lead. Life is about odds. If you thought the odds of you quitting your job and becoming a rock star were reasonable then you’d give it a bash. Sadly, you can’t sing, you have no personality and you look like a bus run over you twice! So you keep to your day job. Against Spurs, on 60 minutes, we were 1-0 up. What would you say

the odds were on us scoring next? I would say far less likely than 10-1. So the way we set up, we are saying that if there is to be another goal in the next half an hour then 90% of the time then it will be to the opposition. That is appalling odds and tactically stupid! Spurs are a good side, don’t take it away from them and although the odds against Palace and West Brom would have been less, they were far from what they should have been. When a side is pushing and taking the chances then the odds should be flipped, the side with a lead should be more likely to get the second as against concede an equaliser. We held all the cards and didn’t play any. Barrow has to come on the pitch on 60 minutes if we have a lead. He has to. It isn’t even a decision. He is an outlet and a threat. Spurs scored both goals through a big contribution from either full back, they could go and do what they liked with no defensive responsibility. Barrow is a good player against a deep and organised side with a one goal lead. He would be a huge weapon against a gambling side who are 1-0 down. He would force the full backs to think twice about pushing forward, he would win free kicks and give a breather to other players and he would dramatically cut the odds of us scoring the second which would win us three points. Instead we brought on Jordi Amat to soak up the pressure. It doesn’t work! A 1-0 lead is such an advantage in this league, look at Leicester! They have been brilliant at defending and hitting on the break. They did it to us! Did it to Citeh! Hopefully our Italian will be back in the dugout for the Villa game but hopefully he would have a new approach to defending a lead!

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16 Form Finder Since 2nd January he has scored 6 times in 10 matches. Before that he had scored twice in nineteen. He may have changed which side he sleeps on, maybe he has new lucky socks but we look at some of the other possibilities to his change of fortune. Gomis: The Frenchman had started seventeen of the nineteen matches where Siggy was baron and has only completed more than 18 minutes once during the Iceman’s prolific spell of late (Siggy didn’t score that game). It probably wouldn’t be too harsh to say that it would be easier to link up with a colony of bacteria on Mars than it would with our overpaid and generally offside striker and so it is not a big surprise that Gylfi’s goals have come when Gomis is out of the starting eleven. Is this the main reason behind the change in form? Leon: Leon has started every game except one since January 2nd (Siggy didn’t score that day!) and had been very much underused up to that point. We all know what our number seven does, he rotates the ball, keeps it ticking over, completely controls the tempo of a match, switching left to right and back again. I know even less about rugby than I do about football but I guess he’s our number 10, a Stephen Jones who manages to run the show and so it is far from a surprise that an attacking midfielder would benefit from having such a player in a side. Is this the main reason behind the goal-fest?

first tackle between the pair up at St James’ park which may divulge more information on their relationship. A handshake snub pre-match??? Routledge: Our wideman had completed 90 minutes just once before the new year and has started every game except once since. He stretches sides in a very different way to how Montero does, he’s busy, works really hard and hustles and bustles defences. He also cuts inside more than the Ecuadorian whi tends to stay wide. Routs loves to link with those inside him and this could easily help our creative maestro. Formation/manager: Garry Monk left the club in December and this is probably the biggest thing that happened to the club during this time. Did Monk not get the best out of Siggy? Or maybe the choices and selections he made above contributed to his poor spell.

Jonjo: Voldermort started the first 13 of our 19 games this season and left the club 10 days after Siggy started banging them in. I have no idea whether the rumours of a big bust up between the pair are true or not but his change in form has probably added fuel to the rumour fire. Staying on the pitch, Jonjo is clearly a very direct player and so it could simply be a case that Siggy was being ‘missed out’ with Jonjo on the field as passes were going straight up top. We wait in anticipation to see the

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Are You a Spoilt Kid?

We have been spoilt for many years. Many, many years in fact. There has arguably been no better club to support for the last dozen years or so, the rise has been incredible and we have done it sexily. We have done it without outside investment, with a supporters trust and with a club ethos which is difficult to pin down but clearly there. And like a child, if you spoil anyone too much then they become a spoilt brat and that is how I and most fans are currently. What do you mean we aren’t going to finish higher than last season?? We are supposed to break into top four this campaign and dominate Europe next!! My pram is toy-less! Taking all this into account I will tone the next bit down.

million gem in its ranks.

This season has been absolutely awful from top to bottom and it is incredibly difficult to find any real positives about it whatsoever! On the pitch our style is confused at best, we seem to have no real idea of where we are going and how to get there. The patient passing football of Brendan was replaced by a counter attacking style of the Laud and all looked good when Monk added a bit of steel, organisation and determination into the mix but all went Pete Tong when that became all we had and little has been introduced since. The playing squad looks no better than last season and most of the promising youngsters which we have signed over recent seasons look further away from our first team squad now that they are a year older. It is difficult to see how our squad could be anything other than less valuable than this time last year and there is no £30

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But this campaign has been far worse off the pitch than on it and this has been what has really surprised. The dismissal of Monk was poorly dealt with at the time and the post-Monk planning seemed non-existent from day one. The Michelle Vorm saga is a real stain on the club and seems to show that we have totally forgotten our roots and where we have come from and the latest set of finances released seems to suggest that we are now just another club who throw money at players and agents to get them here. That’s how my spoilt child-self thinks anyway. There is however the eternal optimist in me who has witnessed our rise from gloom and has unequivocal faith in our streetwise board. Inspection & But Testing Ltd low is a This hasStay been aSafe low; undoubtedly. if our services industrial, transitionalElectrical seasoninstallation which sees usfor remain in the top flight commercial domestic customers in South Wales.

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Are You a Spoilt Kid?

without wasting needless money then arguably this is our greatest achievement to date and shows that we have reached a totally new level. There isn’t a £30 million gem but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. We shouldn’t fear losing anyone this summer and we have had plenty of time to identify the positions we need to invest in. The post-Monk managerial mess was exactly that but our chairman has an unblemished record in choosing the right man and it may just be that we needed to wait a few months to get the right man in. Potentially, our next manager was lined up in January, has spent the last few months looking at who and what we need at our club and the board have ensured that the summer transfer kitty will be as healthy as possible. This would fit in with the boards track record and would explain the out of character mess. It is all perspective. We cannot always have a good season but the key is to limit how bad the bad seasons are and it must be said that (assuming we do stay up) we will end this season in reasonable shape. I have always said that timing is vital for a manager, Brendan got lucky with us, he did a great job but it was a fantastic job to have. The defence was sound, club and squad settled and it just needed some goals (Scott Sinclair) to take us to the next level. The Swans job in January was an awful job to take. There was very little going for it, the transfer window

is always like a ticking time bomb which creeps up on you and a really poor place to make desperate signings, Jonjo was on his way out and relegation looked likely but not inevitable enough for it not to blemish a managerial career. In hindsight and without the childlike tantrums, it seems like the club (once again) have clearly made the right call with the ‘mess’ they made over a new appointment and maybe all isn’t quite as appallingly bad as we sometimes think. Expect a few departures over the next transfer window but I think we may have some exciting players coming in and a season to look forward to next term. Our board have proved that they are happy to splash the cash when it is the right time and when the right player becomes available and with the extra money coming in then I wouldn’t be at all surprised if we secure a Bony like signature. There has been one undeniable positive which we should all really revel in and that is the wonderful and brilliant man that is Alan Curtis. The man has been an undeniable club legend for decades but he has taken this to a totally new level this campaign. There is nobody more genuine in football and nobody within it who is so selfless in what they do. He has stood tall and ploughed the club through a sticky period and done it without the want for recognition, without demanding the lime light and purely for

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Are You a Spoilt Kid?

the good of the club and the city. Whether I’m thinking as a spoilt child or as an eternal optimist, the man needs special recognition for the way he has handled his multiple roles this season and has arguably become the most important person at the club. Sir Bobby Charlton must be a fantastic man to have around the club at Manchester United. Here you have a man who has done everything in football and would surely help to keep even the biggest of egos slightly grounded. When a 19 year old Rooney came off the pitch having scored a wonder goal, the sight of the World Cup winner must help to keep his feet on the ground somewhat. Well we have our very own Bobby Charlton whose name is carved into our history in the same way that Charlton is in United’s. He has played a major role in the last five decades of this club and will continue to do so. As I said earlier, it is difficult to pin point the ethos which has played a pivotal role in our progression but you can be sure that it evolves around values and the appreciation of what we have; ‘The Swansea Way’. Players too often get too big for their boots and then become nobodies. Curt is an example of the exact opposite, he is a man who has given everything and yet seems to see himself as lucky, he downplays what he does and is clearly an incredibly humble man. Whoever manages us next season and regardless of what players we bring in, there will be nobody more important to our future and ethos than this absolutely fantastic man that we are very fortunate to call our own!!

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24 Swans Eleven We have been really fortunate to catch up with Jonjo Shelvey and get his Swans eleven. The eleven best players at t he club when he has been there. JS: So this is the best players in each position? JS (that’s Jack Swan, previous was Jonjo Shelvey. ‘I’m not Jonjo Shelvey but I have the same initials. I am the one who stays home and washes the dishes!!’ bit of top quality Jarvis Cocker there!! anyway,...): Yeah that’s right. Shelvey (easier): Can I play players out of position?

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Jack Swan: Whoever you think would be the best in each position then yeah. Jonjo: Ok

honest, I would put myself in goal.

Keeper In goal is a tricky one as I have played with a few top quality keepers with my time at the Swans. Obviously Vorm is a Dutch international, Fabianski was unbelievable last season and Tremmel done well when called on but I’m always the first one in training an the last one out, anyone will tell you that, it is the reason why I play for England, you cannot just rely on the unbelievable talent which I have been blessed with. At the end of the training session, when everyone else goes home, I always keep one player back and try and work on their shooting, I try and train them, help those who aren’t as lucky with their talent as me; I think it is one of the reasons that Ayew and Gomis scored so many at the start of the season. Well I would play in goal and I would save everything, top corner; I would get there! So to be

Left back. Another tricky one. Davies and Taylor are both quality internationals and I look forward to playing against them in France when I captain England at the euros. Neither of them are blessed with a great cross though, ideally a full back would have a quality left and right foot to whip the ball in and that is why I would play myself there. I’m not being big headed but I have the best cross that the Liberty ever saw. Correct that, I have the best cross that any stadium has ever seen!!! Right back. Rangel and Naughton aren’t fit to wipe my ass let alone clean my boots!! I’m the best right back!!! Centre half ’s Ashley Williams is regularly touted as one of the best centre backs in the league and he’s decent in fairness but he never once won a header from me in training; not once!! I can tackle better than him, my awareness and knowledge of the game is much better than his and I have the vision to create from that position. If I could

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26 Swans Eleven clone myself to play in both centre half positions then not only would the opposition never score but my team would score double figures every game as we could have killer passes from right at the back. If Ash is ‘one of the top centre backs in the league’ then I would easily be the best!!! Defensive Midfield Leon Britton! (Even the most arrogant idiot the club has ever seen isn’t that stupid!!)

Up Top With the quality of the passes behind me then any normal human being would expect to score between 20 and 30 thousand goals a season. I personally would be disappointed not to score ten times that. I’m not being big headed but that’s how it is. Just to make sure; THIS NEVER HAPPENED!!!

Midfield It is well known and universally accepted that I was Swansea’s best player whether playing as an attacking midfielder or slightly deeper. The problem managers always had was that I could only play in one of these positions. In a Swans eleven where I could theoretically play in both positions then we’d destroy any side we came up against. I’m not being big headed but I can tackle better than anyone else, I can completely dominate a midfield and I can pick a pass and deliver it better than anyone who has ever played the game. That isn’t me being big headed, that is a fact!! ask Tim Rendell!! Wing It is a little known fact but I was the fastest player at the club by some distance. We used to have weekly races over 100 meters and time ourselves and try to beat our previous best. The last time I ran for the club was 100 meters in 4.6 seconds. We also used to time ourselves when running with a ball which would slow anyone down slightly but I was actually faster, I run 100 meters in 3.2 seconds while dribbling with the ball. I could also deliver a pin point cross while running at that speed. I could, as I’m sure everyone already knows, play in any position that I liked and be the best player in the World.

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28 Swans Eleven Ferrie Bodde For anyone who missed this last year. This is the Swans eleven from the legendary Ferrie Bodde (this one is genuine, the Jonjo one actually wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t!!) Goalkeeper My big friend Shrek: Dorus Devries, of course. The reason? He was a really good colleague and became a very big part of every attack. Always pulled of good saves and was a very solid goalkeeper so that is why I chose him. He is the best goalkeeper that I have played with. Left Back Marcus Painter: He was unbelievable, When I think back to when I played with him he was no nonsense. A simple left back, solid at the back and came in with tough tackles that is what I liked about him. Right back Angel Rangel, I started with him from day one and he came in from the lower leagues in Spain he is now playing premier league so I think he deserves to be the right back. His attacking skills are really great and his defending skills are also great. Centre back

Gary Monk, It is of course Gary monk he is also the captain of the team as well, he is the best captain I ever had in my football career. He never made mistakes, I tell people in Holland when I talk about Gary Monk; I talk about his speech before the games. When we stand in the circle and in a match program it says be loud be proud and be positive those sort of things. He was a leader it does not surprise me he(became) manager of the Swans and doing really well. Centre Back Ashley Williams, he was a great player to have behind you, he is one of the best defenders in the Premier League. He is a great colleague to have at the back, You feel confident

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30 Swans Eleven with him behind you. Midfield me pratts and Leon Briton would be my 3 in midfield, The gaffer always made jokes that we were a midfield three, if I am not in the squad I have Joe Allen of course. I have to put Leon Britton and Darren Prattley in there because they are similar players to me, Darren Prattley can keep going and going, Leon Britton is a genius, like the brain of the team. Leon Always played a good game that is his quality never has a bad game. Joe Allen I see myself in Joe Allen, as a similar player I was, I hope he will play a little more. I hope he comes back to Swansea soon to get the best out of his career, I think he is a Swansea Player. Left winger is Thomas Butler, when I was playing his first touch was amazing. He was right footed playing on the left wing, for me he was an amazing player. I am still in contact with him heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a good guy. His shooting skills were amazing and I liked his style of play, he also unfortunately had to retire early because of injury.

best moments I had and the best connection with Jordi Gomez so I will put him on the right wing because he understands the game well and he was also part of the midfield three at the time, so he would go on the left wing or right and we played well together. The striker of course has to be Jason Scotland, it was nice to play with him always, if you did not see him for 89 minutes he would score two goals in the 90th minute for example. so he is my striker. The coach has to be Roberto Martinez I had a really good connection with him, he was like a father, like a friend like a brother he had everything that you wanted in a coach to have. He was always standing in the middle of the team, he was always in for a joke and he was the best manager I played under. I learned a lot from him.

On the right wing itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a difficult one. I was thinking about a few players, I am thinking about either Jordi Gomez or Nathan Dyer. I played more games with Jordi Gomez than I did Nathan Dyer, but Dyer is a legend in my eyes. I think the

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32 History Quiz 1)

What position in what league is the highest ever position that Walsall have finished a league campaign?

How old is Teddy Sheringham?

How many clubs did Brian Clough manage?

Who scored the first ever Premier League goal?

Which club won 5 top flight titles in the 1930’s?

When was the last time an English manager won the top division championship?

When was the last time that a Welsh manager won the top flight championship?

True or False. Alex Ferguson, Matt Busby, Kenny Dalglish & Bill Shankly are all Scottish

9) Who are the only side to have played over 100 seasons in the top flight of English football, the 2014–15 season being their 112th? 10) Excluding Bournemouth, only 4 sides have spent just one season in the Premier league (note; Premier League ie since 1992) name them! Answers on page 98

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34 Chasing Ash : Cover

Another Great picture from Stand Back Art. The original got a signature from the captain of Wales himself. Add â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Stand Back Artâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; on facebook and see updates of the latest pictures!!

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36 Mind Puzzles 1) A lift is on the ground floor. There are 4 people in the lift including me. When the lift reaches 1st floor, 1 person gets out 3 people get in. The lift goes up to the second floor, 2 people get out 6 people get in. It then goes up to the next floor up, no-one gets out but 12 people get in. Halfway up to the next floor up the lift cable snaps, it crashes to the floor. Everyone dies in the lift. How did I survive? 2) There are three houses one is red one is blue band one is white. If the red house is to the left of the house in the middle and the blue house is to the right to the house in the middle where is the white house? 3) A man lives in a small house with a farm as his back garden and has a river beside his house. On the other side of the river is a shop. One day he visited the shop. he bought a chicken and Fox for his farm and bought a bag of corn to feed the chicken on.The man can only take one thing and himself across in the boat. With out killing any animals or letting another animal eat an item or animal, how will the man get across? 4) You are in a cabin and it is pitch black. You have one match on you. Which do you light first, the newspaper, the lamp, the candle or the fire? 5) There is this one man who killed his mother, was born before his father and married over 100 women

without divorcing. Yet he was considered normal by all of his acquaintances. 6) Two women and two doctors walk into an ice cream parlor. They each order an ice cream cone. When their ice creams come, there is only 1 strawberry,1 chocolate and 1 vanilla. How come they didn’t complain? 7) There was a train going along the track and a car coming along the road at a right angle to the train. They were both going at exactly the same speed and would have crashed in the middle where they met. Why didn’t they? 8) Three fat ladies stood under an umbrella but none of them got wet. Why didn’t any of them get wet? 9) If an electric train is going 150 miles per hour north and the wind is blowing the same south, which way does the smoke blow? 10) There was a old man who lived by himself. He felt tired so he went into the bathroom, went to the toilet and then turned the light off before going to bed. The next morning there was a news flash on the radio that a boat crashed. The man opened the window and jumped out. Why? All answers on Page 98 Left: What do you see?

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38 Fantasy Football I managed to level the scores again this month in style! Aled: Butland 7, Cresswell 18, Ritchie 17, Paloschi 11, Total 53 Jack Swan: Gomes 22, Fonte 22, Mahrez 24, Vardy 27. That is 3-3 in the business end. Games from 19th March to 18th April GK - Foster - West Bromwich Albion - £4.9 Million He’s back from injury and is one of the best keepers in the Premier League. Foster picked up 32 points in his last 7 games which is a great return for a £4.9 Million player. Norwich, Sunderland, Man City & Watford up next. DEF - Alderweireld - Spurs - £6.5 Million Spurs have been very impressive in defence this season, but the trouble with picking a Tottenham defender for fantasy football is that the manager rotates his players all the time. Dier, Walker & Rose are great players but not guaranteed starts every week. Alderweireld is the only Spurs defender who has played every game this season, but he does come with a heavy price. Bournemouth, Liverpool, Man Utd & Stoke coming up. MID - Shelvey - Newcastle - £5.3 Million Newcastle really need to win some games soon if they want to stay in the Premier League. I think Shelvey will be tasked with coordinating all Newcastles attacking and forward play for their remaining games, and get a load of assists. Sunderland, Norwich, Southampton & Swansea next. FWD - Vardy - Leicester - £7.9 Million A must have for any fantasy football team. He has been the best striker all season and is the spearhead of a team going for the title. The guy is a goal machine. I’ve heard he’s not very nice in person though! Crystal Palace, Southampton, Sunderland & West Ham. Aled Total: £24.6 Million

GK - Butland - Stoke £5.3 He’s currently the top keeper in fantasy football for a good reason; they don’t concede many. I don’t expect Sparky to let them take their foot off the gas either and expect an efficient end of the season with ample of clean sheets. DF - Daniels - Bournmouth £5 I toyed with going with the Dutch centre back at Southampton but Bournemouth are flying at the moment and this guy both scores and creates goals. No pressure on them now and so I’d expect him to be bombing up even more than he has been all season. MF - Siggy - Swans - £7.2 He’s red hot at the moment and shows no sign in stopping. Villa at home and the big crunch game against Jonjo coming up! I expect our Iceman to keep the goals trickling in. He’s raced up the leader board in fantasy football and should be eying a top ten for midfielder. CF - Defoe: Sunderland - £5.1 He just keeps scoring doesn’t he and with Sunderland in the situation they are in, I expect him to keep chipping away. He is a goalscorer, simple as that and goals equal points and so he’s a bit of a no-brainer to me! Jack Swan £22.6 million

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It’s been a rough season for the Swans. Freak deflections, late winners conceded, controversial goals against Sunderland and Arsenal, and the sacking of a club stalwart have all contributed to a rollercoaster from a brilliant start, to relegation fears, and now steady if unspectacular progress towards relative comfort. It can all begin to feel a bit unfair. Managers often talk about the motivational power of a feeling of injustice. Indeed, Jose Mourinho spent the whole of last season finding new causes and new enemies for his players. Other managers are described as “philosophical”, for adopting a Zen-like attitude of calm acceptance, in the mould of Buddha, Jesus or the Stoics, towards the many wrongs the game can produce. Usually, the second attitude makes reference to the nature of the game, or how sport in general, as a competition for prizes, is incompatible with fairness. This view has an equivalent in the wider world, in the proverbial view of life as a race which is inherently unfair. This view, however, seems incompatible with the historic roots of the game, in Victorian ideals of sportsmanship, friendly rivalry and fair play, and the wider demands of Ethics and the Law, with their associated demands on justice, and the aptly named “Rights” that result. Acts contrary to good sportsmanship still do feature in the Laws of the Game, but there is no requirement on half page.ai 1 19/02/2015 00:32:48 the referee Arborum to enforce the Laws fairly, so the game itself

hasn’t yet resolved that conflict. This dispute has been the centre of debate on the topic for as long as humans have lived socially, but more recently, it has centred on the rational self-interest theories of Hayek, Nash and von Neumann, and Robert Nozick and the humane utilitarian theories of John Rawls, and Amrtya Sen. Hayek famously observed that “There really is no such thing as social justice. It is an empty concept.” Nash and von Neumann developed game theory, a series of thought experiments that seemingly demonstrate the sense of looking out for oneself, and the generally favourable outcomes that result for all. Nash is played by Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind, which is as badly named as the Beautiful Game, since Nash would see his theory of humans as essentially selfish reflected well in every dive, feigned injury and ball put out of play reluctantly as a result. Finally, Nozick, as explored last month, felt that injustice and inequality are the unavoidable results of an inherently uneven playing field. Just as salary caps, transfer bans and player quotas cannot eradicate the greater draw of playing in London over playing in Macclesfield, so social engineering cannot eradicate the greater latent ability of some individuals over others, and so some disparity will always result. In contrast, Rawls argued that justice means fairness,

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and fairness means equality of outcome, or that there is no good reason why Jean-Marc Bosman should not have the same ability to transfer between clubs as Dion Dublin, simply as a result of where he was born. Sen refined this to equality of opportunity, something seen in every discussion of gay and Asian players, Black managers and the women’s game as whole, or, in short, that fifth-placed Liverpool do not get a Champions League spot instead of fourth-placed Everton because they won the competition. The Editor gave his opinion before Christmas that the majority of the Premier League can’t celebrate beating Swansea since it’s a fair result for both clubs. With that in mind, here are ten of the biggest travesties in the history of the game: 1. Brazil v. Sweden, 1978 – Blow up before the corner, Clive. How hard is that? 2. France v. Ireland, 2009 – At least Maradona tried to pretend he wasn’t punching it

5. Calciopoli – Discovering that Football Italia on Channel 4 was as real as pro-wrestling 6. Coventry v. Bristol City, 1977 – Delayed kick-off, Sunderland score on the big screen, mutually beneficial draw finishing at walking pace. Textbook 7. West Germany v. Austria, 1982 – Mutually beneficial West German win played at walking pace for 80 minutes 8. Litex Lovech, 2016 – Watch the video. Just watch the video 9. Chelsea v. Arsenal, 2015 – Sure, Costa didn’t even get booked, but it’s OK. Gabriel’s red card got rescinded 10. Sepp Blatter – Enough said. Think we haven’t done it justice? Let us know who’s missing. Robin Hill

3. South Korea, 2002 – Lovely to see the co-hosts get that far, but the refs had to work hard to get them there, denying three good goals and Totti a penalty in the process 4. Luis Suarez, generally – He still complains about his treatment, when he could have got a custodial sentence

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A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall. It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them, and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organising the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future Father of my children.' She is so overwhelmed that she responds with passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?' The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: 'You did well, not bad at all, help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand" The man who invented predictive text has died. His funfair is next Monkey.

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Couldn't believe what I was hearing yesterday when the wife said: "Darling, I fancy a nude whore" being valentines day, my mind went into overdrive imagining a steamy threesome. Unfortunately, she continued: "Do you think we should get a upvc one, or a traditional wooden one?" A Gorilla goes into a bar: "A pint of bitter please..." The barman pours him a pint of the best Yorkshire bitter. (The pub is in Leeds...) "That'll be £4.50, please..." says the barman. As the Gorilla pays his money and takes his place at the bar, the barman quips: "We don't get many Gorillas in here, tha knows..." The Gorilla, stoney faced but as straight laced as they come, replies: "A'm not surprised at £4.50 a pint..." C

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Mels Memories

I don’t like to push myself. What I did was for me personally, I know that it was helping the club but I felt comfortable in doing it. As far as I’m concerned, as long as the club survives then I’m happy. What is football about today? it is all about money! You got to be honest. I think that the feeling towards the football has changed towards more money orientated and the club needs to extend the capacity up to another 10,000 people. Because there are a lot of people who want to go but they can’t get in but if they can do that and extend it somehow and get someone to sponsor it then I am all in favour for that because it is all about generating money. They generating more money and they are requiring more money. I know that they are getting more money next season but it is all about money. If we can increase the capacity and get somebody to sponsor that increase then brilliant, I am all in favour of that. But other than that we have to stay up this year! I think we have saved ourselves, that win at arsenal mad e hell of a difference. Away from home, nobody expected us to get anything up there and the three points was crucial. It was unbelievable. I know that we have been in the past and got results and everything but this year we needed it more than ever. It was important because we are now on 33 points. I think that we are now safe at the moment because the teams below us are letting us get away with it. I was up the North East for nearly four years and I suspected that Sunderland and Newcastle would pull out of that because of the size and the scale of the club. They are mega clubs, huge following and

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everything. When I was up in the North East there were five clubs up there, Sunderland, Newcastle and then Middlesboro and I was playing for Boro but we were in a different level to them because of the crowd capacity we used to get a full house, thirty odd thousand but they would have sixty thousand p[-people and then there were Darlington and Hartlepool and that is how the scale was. They were surviving off the backs of the three mega clubs, the north east has dies of death a bit because all the steel works have gone. Terrible now. Do you think these clubs are examples of how not to run a football club? When you look at our board and how we do things, we kept to principles and not overspent. I think they (Swansea board) have done brilliant. I really do. I’m not flattering them, I don’t want to flatter them at all, I’m just telling the truth. For us to achieve in the space of six years, what we have done is unbelievable and hopefully, fingers crossed we will stay up and be there again and so who knows what is around the corner for us. If we extended the stand then a lot more would get in but I think that they have done well, done really well. I’m no longer a part of that board or anything but that was my doing. How these players want to go into management I don’t know because you depend on other people, as a player, if I’m not performing then I get dropped, that’s it, end of subject, can’t blame anyone. The moment you go as manager, take McClaran now at Newcastle, his hair is going thinner all the time and I

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Mels Memories

look at him and think Jesus he can’t be sleeping at night and it’s not because of him, it’s because of the players on the field. When I look at teams playing now. Do you hear players talking on the field? It is like a morgue. You don’t hear people talking on the field now. The only voices I hear is from the stands where they encourage players to play but you don’t hear the players talking to each other. I used to come off the pitch and I had lost my voice, I couldn’t speak. I come off the field and I wouldn’t talk to anyone, today I am sitting in the game and nobody talks to each other ‘behind you’ ‘take him on’ helping each other on the field. They must be helping each other but they aren’t talking to each other. So it’s a different world. Let’s be honest about it , the crowd pay their money to watch the game and they are entitled to criticise, as a supporter, if I was paying to watch the swans then nobody would tell me to shut up, I am entitled to shout and have a go at people, if I spoke to people off the pitch then it is a different ball game but on the pitch its fine.

Do you think it is fair the criticism that Van Gal has had this season? Anybody who goes into management at man utd is going to be wide open to criticism because they have done so much over the years and the expectation is so high there. Moyes went where and he went to Everton and was a nice run club, when he went from there to Manchester then it was a different ball game. Fergie was lucky because he was due to get sacked. That one game saved him, Robins I think it was, scored a goal and they went on that cup run and they kept him on. He had to go through that nasty road to know what the other side of the coin is like because he didn’t know it was like that. Having a go at him and all that because as a player then everyone speaks to you but behind their back then they say other things but Fergie turned it around and he did fantastic but Van Gal, he is a foreigner and to be honest with you, he can’t speak English as we do, you can tell that he is a foreigner and he is short of words sometimes and because of that he don’t come over tidy does he.

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58 Cryptic Football I had a letter from David Davies with a cryptic quiz with 20 clues, I am yet to get one; here are the first five, hope you do better than me. I wont publixh any answers until all 20 clues have been given, that was I don’t have to open the envelope with the answers in it and I get to play along as well, I miss out on all the fun usually! All football clubs from 4 English leagues and national league (conference) and Scottish league clubs 16)

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Ideas for the magazine?

David phoned me up and said he wanted to contribute this and I’m so glad he did. If you have any ideas youself then please get in touch, always keen to hear new ideas to improve this magazine!! 07880 369545 / info@jackswan.co.uk

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A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds , the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Hillary Clinton. That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave-in and leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him. He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.' What do you call a night cleaner with two birds of prey on his shoulders ? Hawk-Kestrel man-hoovers in the Dark! y.

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64 Vital Information All these are facts except 1 which I made up. Which one is made up? answer on answer page 98 With the Jack Swan awards night on April 1st (it is really happening!!) we look at the Academy Awards for inspiration! 1. It cost peanuts to attend the first Academy Awards The Oscars are Hollywood’s glitziest and most exclusive star-studded event, but the very first ceremony in 1929 was a private affair held at the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel - and a ticket cost just $5. 2. AW-10 holds the record for Oscar TV viewing figures. His 12 minute set-appearance in 2003 was seen live by over 700 million people. Nearly twice as many who watched 50-Cent the year before and Destiny’s Child the year later combined. 3. The Academy likes to hand out fake Oscars before the show Prior to the Oscars, rehearsals are held where celebs show up to practice their lines, announce the winner and present an award. Five sets of dummy envelopes with each nominee’s name is prepared to be used during the rehearsals. And since there are dummy envelopes, there are also dummy Oscars made of plaster to hand out to the “winners. 4. The Oscars red carpet showcases the event’s history For the past 14 years, the Dolby Theater in Los Angeles has hosted the Academy Awards, which seats 3,400 people. All of them will walk the show’s red carpet to reach the venue, which stretches a whopping 500 feet (beating out the Golden Globes’ red carpet, which extends to around 437 feet). To spotlight the event’s long-running history, the red carpet is flanked by two pillars that bear the name of every Best Picture winner since the show’s inception. Incredibly, there’s enough room for the Academy to keep adding winners through 2071. 5. Want to be a seat filler? Too bad! The only way for a regular Joe to score a seat to the Oscars is to work as a seat filler. But even then, he or she can’t be that “regular”: According to a seat-filler who worked at the 2003 show, the only way to score the (unpaid) gig is to know someone who works at the Academy or to be an employee of PricewaterhouseCoopers,

the accounting firm entrusted with tallying the votes. 6. Bob Hope is the Oscar emcee for the ages Legendary entertainer Bob Hope holds the record for hosting the most Academy Awards, having emceed 19 ceremonies between 1940 and 1978. Hope began hosting prior to when the show was televised, and closed out his run on Oscar’s 50th anniversary. 7. Oscar winners used to be announced in advance of the ceremony In the early days, the Academy kept a lid on the results, making an exception for newspapers so that that they could publish the list of winners at 11 p.m. on the night of the event. Then The Los Angeles Times published the results in advance of the 1940 awards show, spoiling the winners before the ceremony got underway. The Academy responded the following year by sealing the results in envelopes, with their content kept secret until they are opened on stage. 8. There’s a contingency plan if the wrong winner is announced on stage Remember those folks from PricewaterhouseCoopers? As part of being the only people on the planet who know the results prior to the show, the firm’s partners memorize the winners in all 24 categories. So if the wrong person is announced as the winner, they are authorized to go out onstage and stop the show. (Luckily, this has not yet happened at the awards show to date.) 9. The Oscar weighs more than you think When someone wins an Academy Award for the first time, the winner usually comments on heavy the statuette feels. There’s a reason for this: It stands at 13.5 inches and weighs 8.5 pounds. To give some perspective, clutching an Oscar feels like holding a gallon of milk. 10. The Academy Awards was robbed – literally When a front-runner loses the Academy Award, there are often cries that he or she was “robbed.” But the Academy was actually robbed in 2000, when two men stole packing crates filled with 55 Oscar statuettes. All but three of the trophies were recovered after the crates were found in the trash. (The third one was eventually discovered by FBI agents during a drug investigation three years later.)

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Jack Sounds

Hello and welcome to Jack Sounds. In this column we’ll be throwing some light onto the music scene in Swansea and South Wales, and trying to bring to wider attention some of the great bands and artists currently plying their trade in this part of the world. Swansea has long had a thriving but overlooked (at least by the local media) music scene, so as well as reviewing and promoting current artists, we’ll be looking back on some of the movers and shakers of yesteryear, too. All the bands mentioned have music available online, so please do check them out. If you want to be featured or reviewed in these pages, please get in touch on jacksounds@outlook.com. JACK SOUNDS The Big Interview – Lost Tuesday Society Lost Tuesday Society are a five-piece folk/rock band based in Swansea. Last summer they won a competition to support Paulo Nutini at his mega-gig in Singleton Park, which brought them (deservedly) to a much bigger audience. This came on the back of a great response to their self-titled debut album – which this writer at least thinks is a stone-cold classic. If you haven’t heard it yet, I urge you in the strongest possible terms to check it out online. I caught up with guitarists Darran Browning and Felix Subway in the Mountain Dew pub, on the evening of the league cup final. While we chatted, the sound of the scousers getting done over on penalties by Citeh blared from a big screen in the corner, under the watchful and eventually resentful eye of a bunch of Liverpool fans with strong Swansea accents. Normally, I’d be watching – but there was work to be done. Ah, the Tuesdays, in all their glorious glory. How are you all doing? FS: Marvellous thanks. Would you like a pint? JS: Damn right. Carling please. DB: Me, too. What are your plans to follow up what can only be described as a great year? DB: Record a new album. FS: We got that residency in The Gravity Station, too. DB: Yeah, and that festival in Devon... JS: What? Nozstock? DB: No, it’s in Dartmouth. It’s a beer festival. ALL: I love a beer festival!

DB: Yeah, but the thing to do is the new album. It’s finished; all written, and... FS: I’d say 97% finished. DB: Yeah, just a few tweaks. JS: Where are you recording it? DB: A studio in Cardiff called The Atrium. We’re going up in two weeks now to start it. JS: Some of the new songs - the ones that I’ve heard at least – sound a little bit more psychedelic. Definitely ambitious in the arrangements. DB: That’s called “development”. FS: Yeah, right. Well, the drummer’s a big part of that. He’s able to pull off the beats, which allows us a bit more range. How’s the new drummer fitting in? FS: Amazing. He’s really motivating for us all. Very organised. Disciplined. DB: Runs marathons... FS: Does he? Right. Yeah, he’s brilliant. Doesn’t turn up to practice drunk and fall all over the kit, while vociferously denying it’s happening. But who does that anyway? DB: You. FS: Apart from me. What happened was I [INCRIMINATING STORY REMOVED]. Nah, he’s awesome. Given us focus. DB: Nobody in the band wants to fire him. JS: That’s a good thing. There follows a probably libellous, definitely incriminating story about the subjective morality of tinder dates, as well as some surreal tales of former drummers legs turning into ferrets - most of which I’ve removed to protect the guilty... FS: ...but it’d be a much better story, you know what I mean? His legs turned into a pair of ferrets and ran off down the road; he didn’t want to go, but his legs were ferrets, so he had no choice. Do you find your influences are changing as the band evolves? Are you introducing each other to different bands? DB: Not really. FS: I still listen to what I was listening to ten years ago. DB: I listen to a lot of new music, but I don’t think it influences what I write for the Tuesdays. JS: You told me that you’ve rejected songs because they don’t fit the LTS ‘sound’; is there a sort of set formula? DB: No. I mean, there’s stuff that we might not like.

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The Big Interview

I think that might well have been used as an excuse instead of just admitting “I don’t like that song”. ALL LAUGH There are three writers in the band, right? How does that work out? Does the writer have veto or final say? FS: No, I don’t find that’s the case at all. Take that [track off the new album] “Liar Liar”. That was a riff I had that [singer and guitarist] Flipsy then jumped in on. There’s no one going, “That’s my song...” DB: No, no, no. On the first album, everything is credited as being written by Lost Tuesday Society – and everything will be the same on the second album. FS: The song is king; no one has that ego: ‘this song should go there and do this; it’s like a big pot and everyone puts in their share. I might have an idea for a drum part, but the actual drummer will come along and go “Yeah, but this is better”. I might have a good idea for a song, bring it to the band, and someone else will take it away and come up with something that pisses all over what I came up with. So I take a back seat then. The audience at the Paolo Nutini gig would have been, I imagine, the largest audience you’ve thus far played in front of; how do you feel you connected with them? DB: It’s on youtube. The whole thing. You should watch it. JS: I have. It’s great. Wasn’t the video from the last single (“Merry Dance”) made up of footage from that? DB: Yeah, we used all the backstage footage for it. FS: Very well put together video, that. DB: I think we connected with the crowd very well. I thought we came across as if we owned that fucking stage. JS: Like you belonged there? DB: Yeah. JS: Was there a massive difference between playing in front of that huge crowd and playing in front of, say, 200 people? FS: Yeah, because normally when there’s 200 people, that means it’s local; you’ve got friends there – people you know turn up. With [the Nutini gig] the brand newness of it affected the mood that you’re in, affected the performance. You don’t get to see their faces; it’s an emptiness, like the sea. DB: Put it this way: we were so HYPED before the gig because we were so well rehearsed. We knew it was going to be a good gig. I think it was the only gig we’ve ever done when there wasn’t even the smallest mistake. It was absolutely perfect. JS: When you knew it was happening, you knew it was time to really, really rehearse? Time to be a pro, yeah? FS: I didn’t have a drink all day, until just before we went on. Then I drank a bottle of gin. JS: A whole bottle? FS: Yeah. I had it an evian bottle. I just had this wave

of energy - from the gig and then the gin. JS: You felt it was time to crack on? Time to go? FS: Yeah. If I’d been drinking all day, I might have been just a little more dour. DB: We certainly wouldn’t have rehearsed like that for a pub gig. FS: I’m just hoping that [the Nutini gig] it’s not going to be the thing that defines our band, you know? Like, ‘Oh, it’s that band that won that competition’. We want more than that. DB: Second album. What do you think is the current state of health of the music scene in South Wales? I can think of half a dozen bands I’d pay to see round here, rather than go up to Cardiff or Bristol or whatever? You lot should play some more, mind... FS: The trouble is getting the time. We’ve got about 12 kids between us. All these adult responsibilities are a difficult thing. Besides, as far as what’s going on here – yes, there are good bands, but that the trouble. The Swansea scene is very good, but it’s very insular. You HAVE to go at least as far as Bristol. No one’s going to talent scout Swansea. You got to head to Bristol, to London to get noticed. The internet’s going to help and all that... JS: Sometimes the internet is like a vacuum... FS: Yeah, and it sucks you in. There’s all these sites and apps that promise to connect you to every other band in the world, but then you’re like a little minnow in this huge pond, and the only way to get noticed is to do something really clever, like OK/GO with those amazing videos. Or you got to be out there 5 nights a week, have a manager and saturate the scene. But we’re not in a position to do that. We got to get childminders for band practice! So the internet has to play a big part. Little things, like posting every day... JS: “Engagement”, I think it’s called. FS: Thing is, we’re from the generation that thought the thing to do was to make a tape and send it off to a record

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70 The Big Interview company! Doesn’t work like that anymore! JS: I just bought an old car with a tape player in it, so I’ve started making mixtapes. I was a fiend for the old mixtape about 20 years ago. FS: Times change, man. How is the scene at the moment? Healthy? FS: It’s all about the venues. Remember Mozarts, back in the day, they had a 4am licence, so people congregated there. It was like an Irish pub... JS: It’s more like a club now, innit? DJ’s and that? FS: Yeah, and 2am finish too... DB: The Gravity Station, we should mention them. They’re doing well. FS: Have you seen that pub on the Strand with the London bus in it? AT THIS POINT LIVERPOOL EQUALISE AND THE RECORDING BECOMES INAUDIBLE JS:...that coffee shop in Amsterdam, Ricks? Just outside the red light. All the seats in there are out of a tram. It’s a bit weird. FS: Yeah, that’s what it’s like, and they serve pints of Hoegarden and the bar is a London bus. JS: On the Strand? FS: Yeah, there’s loads of interesting places opening up in Swansea. It’ll be like Bristol, except with the sea. DB: It all seems to be happening on the Strand. That’s where these places are opening. FS: Yeah, just the other side of Wind Street. Just far enough to keep away. JS: Like an alternative Wind Street? FS: Why not? Perhaps things are moving down there. Things can change. JS: Damn straight: look at the Kingsway. Died in just a few months. Phew. You’re down there in February and there’s 500 people queuing for a taxi at 3am, you come back in April: tumbleweed. Who’s worth seeing in Swansea at the minute? FS: King Goon, Sarah Passmore, Big Feat. DB: Inscape. Actually, I think that the best band in Swansea is Inscape. FS: Really? First I’ve heard of them.

DB: Really? They supported us on New Years Eve. LAUGHTER FS: Oh, them? I remember them. They were great. FELIX GETS UP AND WANDERS OVER TOWARDS THE BAR DB: Get me a half, mate? FS: What, from the toilet? Last question, right, for a bit of fun: If you were rulers of the world for just one day, what would you change? DB: I hate this kind of question; there’s too much to think about: poverty, war, nature. I think [Felix] would be better at answering this. JS: Ok, he’s coming back. I’ll rephrase it for him. Bit of Smash Hits journalism for you, mate: If you were in charge of the whole world for 24 hours and 24 hours only – that’s all you got and when it’s up it’ll all revert back to governmental control, what would you change, bearing in mind it’ll all go back when the time’s up? FS: [without any hesitation] Helicopters; maybe Chinooks to carry the weight. Get every single blue whale out of the ocean, every single one. In 24 hours you could do this. Put them on land, build a house around them, brick them up – but leave a window for the eye. Just an eye. Make everyone queue up, and they can do what they want to the eye: they can lick it, punch it, push their faces into it, whatever, and watch the whales eye and register its sadness as they goes along. It’d probably die. It’d take that long. Yeah, and I bet you the people in the queue, who been there all that time, when the time was up, they’d be saying, “Well, I’ve been queuing 24 hours and I want my whale eye.” DB: Just one eye, though? I thought you had all the whales. FS: Put a hole on the other side too, then; there’s a lot of people in the world. You’d need both sides, I think. JS: That’s us done, boys. I don’t think we can top that. Want another pint? The game’s going to extra time, mind... www.facebook.com/Lost-Tuesday-Society www.soundcloud.com/lost-tuesday-society

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72 Jack Sounds Music Reviews

The Little Interview – G from King Goon

World Vs World – “The Sentinel Paradox” (DEATH MONKEY RECORDS)

Gareth Howells (“G”) is the lead singer in ska-rock maniacs, King Goon. The band are currently working on their debut album, “Come the War”, which is due to be released in April/May. According to their “official spokesman”, it’s a “genre-hopping, beast-like behemoth of up-tempo, toe-tapping, melodic noise”, and “more refreshing than a wheelbarrow full of cold lager on a warm summers day”. Bless. They’ll be playing at The Gravity Station on The Strand, 12th March, after the big egg-chasing match against the English. Cymru am byth! C’mon the boys!

This has been out for a while now, but I wanted to review it anyway because I love it and think its worthy of far wider attention. Selfish, I know – but it’s my column. Ahem. Anyway, I’ve watched this band from their very beginnings, and this album to me is a just reward for all the commitment and hard work they’ve put in over the last few years. From tiny acorns has sprouted and flowered this gargantuan statement of intent, and if anyone deserves it, these guys do, because they really are the hardest working men in showbiz; they make James Brown look like an idle loafer. “The Sentinel Paradox” is a fire-breathing monster of an album, sprawling over 10 tracks of high-energy, high-concept, modern rock music. It initially brings to mind a less histrionic Muse, but with a bit more depth and less showing-off, and there’s definitely the influence of Nirvana and Black Sabbath to be heard in the dynamics and the riffs. The album begins with an impassioned rant recorded for the band by American comic Lee Camp, before opening track “Bohemian Groove” lays the cards plain on the table with a savage, biting critique of the shadowy elite who influence and corrupt governments around the globe. Pounding riffs, throbbing bass and brutal, blast-beat drums swirl around guitarist Kirk Bowens voice as he howls over the noise like a Welshier and angrier version of Kurt Cobain. It’s a bloody good way to start an album! The themes of over-arching conspiracies, population control, distrust of the media and the hidden agendas of the elite dominate the record, but there are moments of beauty and delicacy too, most notably in closing track “The Divine Feminine”, a piano-led number which is about as good a love song as you’re likely to hear this year. In short, this a great album that will be enjoyed by anyone who likes their music loud, heavy and with choruses. www.deathmonkeyrecords.bigcartel.com www.youtube.com/worldvsworldofficial

1. Who are your favourite band? The Clash 2. What’s the best album ever? There’s no such thing, but for me personally it’s Sona Fariq’s eponymous debut album (released in July 2000). Pure, unbridled, urban energy. Mind-blowing. 3. Best song ever? Dead Souls - Joy Division 4. If you could be in any band, alive or dead, who would it be? Weird Al. The only worthwhile musician left on the planet. 5. Are the Swans staying up? Yes, I know someone who works in Rossi’s and they reckon Andy McFarlane is coming back to save us all. 6. Tell me a joke. Your old girl. www.kinggoon.co.uk www.facebook.com/kinggoonpage www.reverbnation.com/kinggoon www.twitter.com/kinggoonuk Note: I know this beaut well, and he’s just the type of nurk who’d take a cheap shot at me with a mother joke. I am, of course, above that sort of thing. – JACK SOUNDS

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74 Gig Review Gig Review – Soul Skunks (The Gravity Station) & Zac Thomas/The Bungle Cult/Mercurius Rising (The Garage) – 27/02/16 This is less a gig review and more a story of personal failure and professional negligence; it’s a sorry tale – and we’ve no time to lose, so let’s begin. I had originally intended to review a gig on in The Gravity Station. “A fine idea”, I thought, “It’s a great little boozer and the staff are always bang tidy. Might even get a few free slurps if you make it known you’re there on business”. So I got my notebook and pen, bid farewell to Mrs. Sounds, and shuffled off down the road, bracing myself to brave (albeit briefly) the sights and sounds of Wind Street. I turned my collar up, Cantona-style, and picked up the pace. It’s not that the place scares me or anything – it’s just not my kind of place anymore. I like a good boozer, not a bar. Anyway, I turned swiftly down the alley past Jack Murphys, bid a hearty “Hello handsome” to the magnificent Steve, the security guy of The Grav, and entered a packed, warm, welcoming pub. And then the trouble started. It would be remiss of me not to point out that I am “known” in these parts. I’m a sucker for real ale and a good natter, and The Grav delivers these things in spades. All this became apparent when the good lady running the place, Siouxie, leaned over the bar to greet me, and began immediately plying me with beer. “First ones on me”, she said. “Ta very much”, I replied, and began pouring the golden nectar down my throat. Goddamn, it was tasty. I had another. I took the opportunity to read the description of the band playing, and found out to my surprise that they were a covers act. This I hadn’t foreseen (see ‘professional negligence’), and as I’d made a vow to concentrate on original music in these pages, I knew I would have to find another gig for my review. Still, I watched the first few tunes, and I can say with some conviction that “The Soul Skunks” carry some serious groove. Two female singers, a horn section, funky-ass guitar and a whip-crack tight rhythm section gave them the oomph required to lay down track after track of motown, soul and ska music. Great band. They did all the classics and chucked in some curveballs. Proper singers, too; those girls can wail. But, of course – it wasn’t what I was looking for, so I had to move on. By this time I was a little inebriated, but I held my course, having decided to head up to Uplands to see a gig on in The Garage. I was a little unsure of the line-up, but I ascertained via the power of the internet

that a band I’d been told to check out, Bare Knuckle Beatbox, were headlining a charity night of some kind. They were local, played their own tunes, and came highly recommended. Perfect. Taxi! Uplands, butt. The first thing I noticed when I got in was the number of people with dreadlocks. Quite a few looked like free-party refugees of some kind or another, which is cool. I get on with those people, as long as they keep the self-righteousness turned a bit below eleven. Wonder who they’re here to see? I would find out in due course, but I first had to concentrate on the current act, Zac Thomas, who was filling the place with a melodic and easy-listening form of nu-folk, reminiscent of Mumford and Sons at their most acoustic. Now, it’d be fair to say that I hate that kind of music with a burning passion, but I shall try to remain objective for the sake of fairness. I’ve thought about this, and I’ve worked out that I can say the following things and still remain honest: Zac Thomas has a brilliant voice, is a great guitarist, and seems very adept at writing the kind of heartfelt, modern folk songs that are quite popular these days. His music seems squarely aimed at the kind of people who like American teen movies, and his mates who’d came to see him (who’d set up a line of chairs at the back of the dance floor like they were watching a football match) cheered him to the rafters, along with a sizeable proportion of the rest of the venue. There was nothing offensive about him, and that’s what I think he was aiming for. On a couple of tunes the arrangements became very ambitious, and the focus was less on catchy melodies and more on weirdness. This I liked, but I’m a snob – so who cares what I think? After he’d finished, I went out for a smoke and realised that I was becoming drunk. I’d noticed it in the taxi, but it was starting to get too gross to ignore. I went back in and switched to gin and tonics for focus, and began chatting to my good buddy at the bar, who informed me that the next band on - “The Bungle Cult” - were like a “drunk priest bellowing sea-shanties”, which I felt boded well; he also told me that when he saw them before, the singer did the whole set dressed as the honey monster, which I instantly recognised as Commitment. I was looking forward to them. They took the stage at 10:30. The line-up consisted of a guitarist, a banjo player, a violinist, a bass player, a fella on the cajon and a singer with a huge ‘fro of blonde hair and a massive beard. He looked like a cheerful sort,

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76 Gig Review and began immediately whipping up the crowd and imploring them to get up and dance. They launched into their first song, and his orders were swiftly heeded as the band kicked up a righteous stomp. The music they were playing would be best described as “rock polka with a sea shanty vibe; Tom Waites on vocals”. Yes, that’ll do. They were great. “Hell from home” was a great song, as well as “The best of all possible worlds” (a quote from “Candide” by Voltaire, literature fans), but my personal favourite was a number called “Desperation is the only thing that changed anything” – which is a great title if nothing else. At this point I was interrupted by Big John, the singer of a great, great band called Disco Panther. Now, they’re a spectacle: a ten piece, technicolour funk band comprising of the good and the great round these parts. Go and see them; beat down the door if necessary. Anyway, he was extolling the virtues of The Bungle Cult at length, just as they hit their stride about half way through their set. Bands tend to do this. There’ll be a point in the performance when everything falls into perfect place, and the individual sounds meld into something far greater than the sum of its parts. Unfortunately, this also coincided with a number of less convincing tunes, which felt like padding alongside their earlier tracks. I start to think I’m watching Jack Black front a fictional band, which is never good. They get it back though, with a tune called “Pick the bones clean”, which is womping. By this point the dancefloor is packed with bouncing, happy people. Shapes are being thrown, smiles are everywhere. The band finish up to great acclaim and applause, and I stagger outside for another fag, wondering if anyone else thought the singer looked like the cowardly lion from the Wizard of Oz. By now I was becoming seriously drunk. The gin didn’t fix things, as in my heart I knew it wouldn’t, but I wander back inside to see the next band, Mercurius Rising, get ready to take the stage. They’re another drummer-less band, which prompts my companion, a drummer himself, to make disgusted comments about “a cajon is good, yeah – but if they had a full kit it’d be banging”. But I digress. Mercurius Rising are a three-piece band; acoustic guitar, electric bass, cajon. They look menacing. The bass

player is a big unit, and when they kick off with a sort of two-step ska song with bleak, sneered, partly-rapped lyrics, he looks like he’s going to slap anyone who disagrees with him. The band sound awesome - really tight and well-rehearsed. The sound is a blend of early Clash, with a sizeable influence of The Specials. It’s political, anti-capitalist, claustrophobic, darkly-funny and completely unforgiving. I write “Like Madness, except really dark” in my notebook, and start righteously enjoying myself. I do think, however – and forgive me for this – that they’d be a lot better in a place where the audience weren’t so into them. They had the crowd on their side from the off, but I almost wanted them to get some aggro, because I’d like to watch them win people over – because they undoubtedly could. They play a great set of songs, and convince me enough to pay a fiver for their album, which I listened to when I got home. My only criticism of them is that they were trying too hard in parts to write a hit single. They were better when they stuck to their own, weird uniqueness. The song that most stuck in my head was actually called “Mercurius Rising” (which came first – the band or the song?), which I felt encapsulated what was best about them. I do urge you to check them out, because they are very much an example of what I like most about bands: when they don’t apologise for being themselves, and follow their own voice. At this point I lost all control of myself. I was beginning to weave and nod, and my bed, a cup of tea and the warm embrace of Mrs Sounds began to loom large in my mind. But I had professional obligations to keep, so I needed to try and focus. I went outside for yet another smoke, and was happily engaged in conversation with young Sarah Passmore, who is a fantastic local guitarist, when I realised I’d taken it too far. There were at least two of her, and I could hear myself babbling away at both of them, making little to no sense. There was a bullet to bite, and this is where the ‘personal failure’ bit comes in: I knew suddenly that I’d never be able to coherently review the last band, and I had to face this awful truth. My scrawl in my notebook had degenerated to the point where you’d need Stephen Hawking to find meaning in it, so I made the decision to cut my losses, return home and make a sincere apology in print to Bare Knuckle Beatbox, who I’m sure were awesome in every way. I fully intend to review their next gig, and also to drink water all night. It’s a difficult thing to fail completely, but I somehow managed it.

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78 The Last Word “5 Reasons to go and see a local gig” 1) Entertainment. There’s nothing worth watching on the telly after Final Score, fact. So you might as well be out on the lash. If you really must see the lottery draw ‘live’, then most people have access to catch-up TV these days – so you can have your Saturday night out, and watch all the telly you missed on Sunday morning, soothing your hangover with coffee and pizza and ice cream and Mcdonalds. Marvellous, eh? It’s win-win. 2) You might back a winner. You could be watching the next Kings of Leon or Coldplay taking the first, tentative steps of a meteoric career in show-business that ends up with private jets, sold-out world tours and platinum albums. You never know. See that slightly-sozzled bloke with the battered, old guitar, playing Bob Dylan songs at an open mic in The Bay View on a rainy Tuesday night? He might be playing Wembley in 5 years time. There’s a fine sense of discovery that comes with going to see a totally unknown band. They could be awful, of course – but, equally, they could be the best thing you’ve ever seen. If you don’t go, you’ll never know, and – if they do make it big – you can always shake your head sadly at the latecomers and bandwagon-jumpers and say “I saw them before they got signed – when they were really good”. A story very much related to this point was told to me by one of my good friends recently, and I’d be missing a trick if I didn’t pass it on. Slightly edited (for a family audience), the tale runs a little like this: “Let me prove to you that I am thick. In 1991, I was working as a photographer in Newport (I wore terrible shirts and ties). A colleague of mine asked did I want to go to a gig in TJ’s (a renowned music venue in Newport). He said he had got on the guest list and had a spare place for me. “Who’s playing?” I enquired. “Nirvana”, he said. “Nah, it’s ok”, I replied. In all honesty (and here’s where the “thick” tag comes into play) I had never heard that word before and I thought it was a Welsh word, so I thought the night was going to be watching a punk band from North Wales shouting Welsh words at a non-Welsh speaking audience. So instead of going to “the best gig I have ever been to or ever will go to” (my colleagues words the next day), I went home and watched “Crimewatch” with my father. So, that is why I am thick. I told this story to my 13 year old son. He simply looked at me and said “I hate you”. I don’t blame him.” See? You never know. 3) Beer. Very rarely do gigs occur where there’s no alcohol licence. The musicians wouldn’t stand for it. 4) To broaden your horizons. Meeting new people, going to new places – these are the things the lifestyle

writers in the magazines tell you will improve your quality of life, right? Who knows what might happen? You could meet the boy/girl of your dreams, leaning against a pillar in The Lemon Factory on a Wednesday night. Or you might find yourself, after a particularly heavy evening, waking up in a transit van just outside Sheffield, apparently signed up to run the merchandise stall for a touring death-metal band called “SkullCrusha”, for the next three months. And why not? Travel is good. Always take your passport. 5) To support local businesses. Most venues hosting live music nights tend to be independent ventures, not necessarily backed by huge breweries/hospitality companies. Help to keep Swansea vibrant and interesting by ensuring these places stay open. Use it or lose it, as the saying goes. I can reel off a list of closed venues and live music pubs in this city that’s close to embarrassing: The Beat Box, The Venue, The Zone, The Celtic Pride, Milkwood Jam (Now “The Scene”, so it’s not really closed, but you know what I mean), The Coach House, The Coppermans, The Cardiff Arms, Doras, Barons, Escape, Cinders, The Patti Pavillion....and many, many more. Now, I know a lot of these places closed for reasons far more complicated than simple lack of interest in live music, but I can guarantee that it would have played at least a small role in their downfall, and if an independent business fails, the chances are a franchise will move in their place, and I for one don’t want to live in a city that, for the most part, resembles a large, uniform, faceless shopping mall. I can go to Cardiff for that... Yes! Got one in! Sorry. Anyway, I personally don’t care much about the city “appealing” to big retailers. This is an unpopular opinion, I know, given the unemployment situation, but I’d rather give my money to people who might reinvest it in Swansea, rather than put it in an off-shore account in the Cayman Islands or a safety deposit box in Lichtenstein. I actually think there’s more to a city than just catering to shoppers, anyway...how about the people who actually live here and might want to have something other to do besides trudging round shops spending money? Or do we want (Want?! We already have!) a city centre that feels like an abandoned wasteland every night after the shops have shut? But that’s a whole other article, for another month. All I’m saying, really, is go and have a look at what the city has to offer in terms of live music. You might be pleasantly surprised. Go to Mozarts, go to The Gravity Station, The Office, The Garage, Sin City, The Scene, The Lemon Factory...tell them Jack Sounds sent ya. Make the most of it you lucky, lucky people...and if you see me, mines a gin and tonic; ice and a slice, bloody lovely. Take care all. JACK SOUNDS

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Golf Course Review: Neath

Neath Golf Club - Course Review 25th February 2016 So it’s been a while since Jack Swan and I have been able to sample the delights of the surrounding areas many golf courses, predominantly due to the persistently terrible weather we’ve been having, but I’m pleased to say that thanks to the few dry days we had towards the end of February, we were able to get out and finally review Neath Golf Club. What were your first impressions of the course? Now it’s been a little while since I played this course, but from memory it’s one I’ve always enjoyed playing, and I’m pleased to say that it once again didn’t disappoint in the slightest. Neath is a heathland course, but standing on the first tee you are basically at the lowest point of the golf course, so it’s difficult to appreciate straight off what this golf course has to offer. As you progress through the round, the elevation changes, and you are then able to appreciate this immaculately laid out course, as well as the stunning views it offers. The first hole is actually one of my favourites on the course, even though it doesn’t offer the fabulous views that many of the others do, it really just suits my eye, and feel it’s potentially the best opening hole from all the courses I’ve reviewed so far. Off the yellow tee, it’s a relatively short 487 yard Par 5 which plays up hill. This means it’s a relatively generous opening hole, which should ease you into the round nicely, provided you play it correctly. There are very few holes on this course that are straight away drives, and the first hole from the summer tees is no exception. It demands a draw (for the right handed player), if you decide to use the big stick, and as I hit a fade, this provided me with a problem. Now, I am a big fan of a golf course that forces you to think, and this is one of the best courses that I have played in that category, and it starts with the first shot of the day.

Having played the course before, I was aware that the first tee shot would not suit me, so I hit a 5 iron to the landing area at the top of the hill. This took a lot of the danger out of the hole, and allowed me to play the hole as a 3-shotter, which gave me a birdy put from the fringe of the green. In short, a scoring hole for those who are long off the tee and can move it right to left, but also very manageable for the conservative play off the tee, so all in all a perfect starting hole! What was the best hole on the course? There are a number of holes on this course that are fantastic, but my favourite has to be the 15th. This is a 378 yard Par 4 which plays significantly down-hill, and demands an accurate tee shot if you’re going to score well. The elevation change from the tee is significant, and forces you to hit driver so as to carry the ball onto the fairway. The landing area is wide, so if you don’t catch it perfectly you’re still likely to have a shot into the green, which is large and receptive, and moderately defended with bunkers. The main reason I love this hole is due to the view it offers you off the tee, it’s simply stunning. The hole itself actually plays quite short due to the elevation change, so I was only hitting a 9-Iron into the green. This means the hole is relatively challenging, but can also be a pick up hole if you get your drive correct. How fair was the course? The course is a Par 72 and 6,393 yards off the yellow tees, which is reasonably long compared to some of the other courses I play. There are however very few instances where you have to carry the ball large distances off the tee, so the course is definitely fair and accessible to the shorter hitter, or the tactical golfer like myself who likes to hit a

lot of irons off the tee, as I personally value precision and accuracy over distance. How difficult is the course? The main difficulty in my opinion is the elevation changes, which effects every hole (some more than others). It took me the first 6 holes to properly factor the elevation change into my distance calculations, and as a result the majority of my approaches to the greens in the first 6 holes were short, as I was hitting up-hill. Once I got used to this, the last 12 holes I felt a lot more confident in my distance control, and as a result scored 6 shots better on the back 9 compared to the front 9. What was the best thing about it? The course layout is extremely good in my opinion, and all 18 holes make you really think before hitting every shot. With that said, the best thing about the course in my opinion is the greens, which are simply fantastic, and a testament to the hard work the green keeping staff must have put in over the winter, considering how bad the weather has been. What was the worst thing? Always a hard question, and I must say in this instance there’s nothing that stands out as a negative. As it’s technically still winter, we were playing off the matts, meaning we didn’t get to appreciate the course playing to its full length, but even the matts were of a very good quality compared to some of the courses in the area, so it didn’t present a problem whatsoever – although I look forward to playing it again in the summer! How snobby were the members? No snobbery whatsoever was seen, the members and staff were extremely welcoming. How well kept was the course generally? As I’ve already mentioned, the course was extremely well kept. Out of 10, how good were the greens? I’d give the greens 9 out of 10, without question the best greens I’ve played on in the local area, and up there with

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82 Golf Course Review the greens in Celtic Manor. How inventive was the course (different obstacles / hole lengths)? The course layout is fantastic as I’ve already mentioned, and I must say at this point how much I enjoyed the Par 3’s in particular. I’m always quite critical of Par 3’s, as I feel on some courses they’re a bit of an after-thought, but not so in this case. Both 9’s have one short and one relatively long Par 3, which is a nice mix straight off the bat. The short Par 3’s (136 and 135 yards from the Yellow tee respectively) are well protected, either by extensive bunkering, or by substantial elevation changes, making them challenging, and adds testimony to the assertion that a Par 3 does not need to be 200+ yards in length to be difficult. The longer Par 3’s (172 and 189 yards from the Yellow tee respectively) actually quite suited my eye, and I managed to score well on them, so a nice mix overall.

How easily did you get through without being held up? We were not held up by any other patrons, and therefore didn’t need to play through. Conclusion? The views are amazing, the course is in excellent condition, and poses an intriguing challenge. I really love this golf course, and although I’m meant to be impartial, it got my vote in the Jack Swan awards, and I really look forward to playing it again. All the best, Wannabe Pro.

How hilly / tiring was the course? As I’ve said many times, the change in elevation throughout the round it significant, meaning it would be a challenging walk for the infirm/ unfit. However, buggies can be hired, so this is definitely a course for all abilities. How good were the views? The views are stunning. There’s really not much ore I can say than that, except have a round yourself and judge for yourself.

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84 Poets on the Hill Ja�� Sw�� Eat� I have a slight confession to make. Last issue when I ate vegetarian food in an Indian and made a slight deal about ‘trying being a Vegi’ ; I was actually in a bizarre time of my life where I wasn’t eating meat at all! It lasted the best part of a month and I actually freaked myself out; I woke up one morning and decided that I fancied getting slightly healthier; cut out beer and meat; and I did it!! That was the slightly bizarre thing. The really, really bizarre thing was that I really enjoyed it. I loved eating different foods; the challenge of going through a day and eating three meals that consisted of no meat. At no point did I care in the slightest about the animals involved; they are put on this planet to be eaten! But I was eating healthier, cheaper and actually nicer food! Anyway, I got that out of my system! What a weird month!!! I’m a meat eating MAN again!! Ring the chicken’s neck, cook it in some garlic and stick it on my plate!!!!! This issue I headed to Uplands; with Vegi!

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86 Poets on the Hill Do You Want Some? Someone from our office Will be coming to see you very soon About your benefits. For your protection All our visiting staff Carry an identity card Ask to see it. The visitor Will need to check a number of things To make sure you are getting The right amount of benefit. Do not worry If you do not have all the things But please get as many as you can So that there is no further delay In calculation and payment Of your benefit Entitlement. You must fill in the tear-off part of this form each week To tell us about anything that has changed. If anything changes and you do not tell us You might get the wrong amount of money. And you could be breaking the law. If you are not sure if we need to know Please tell us anyway. Tell us everything. Tell us about yourself. Are you pregnant? What date is the baby due? Are you getting Personal Independence Payment? How much do you get? Are you getting it once a week? Are you getting it once a month? Are you getting it regular? What do you need? Who is it for? Tell us their name. What is it for? Who do you need? Tell us their name. If you are applying for the cost of replacement of an item Please say what happened to the old item. Can you stand unassisted? Can you see the shape of furniture in a room? Can you tell light from dark? Do strangers understand what you say?

Do your family and friends understand what you say? Can you understand someone talking in a normal voice on a busy street? Can you understand someone talking in a loud voice in a quiet room? Can you tie a bow in string? Can you walk up and down one step? Can you raise one arm to your head? As if to put on a hat? Can you clap without using your left hand? Do you lose control of your bladder at least once a month? Do you lose control of your bowels at least once a month? Please show us how often in the box below. Can you pick up a pound coin with either one of your hands? Can you pick up a £20 note with one of your hands but not the other? Can you pick up a welfare cheque? I bet. I said: “I bet”. Tell us about your partner. Does he need help? Is he away from work because of a trade dispute? Was it a strike? Was it a walkout? Was it a lockout? Were there picket lines? Did he love you? Was he breaking the law? What does he need? How much does he get? Who does he love? Where does he live? Does he want some? Tell us his name. Someone will be coming to see you very soon About your benefit entitlement. For your protection Ask to see their identity card. By Tim Evans

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88 Poets On the Hill â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Bringing Up Baby.â&#x20AC;&#x2122; I do more in ten minutes than some people do in a day... going to the shop by myself is a way to have a break from a mini stormtrooper being pelted at me while Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m on the toilet Instead of escaping vomit I run towards it. A twenty minute shower with a closed door and no sound feels like a day at Champneyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Imagining I look like the girl for the old advert for Bountyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s. I realise that Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m still watching Peppa Pig when youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve been in bed for an hour my kitchen being doused in flour from the Minion cupcakes that we try to make Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve said â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Noâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; one hundred times before 7am today Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve got lists coming out from the bottom of my split ends... Being a parent is like a fairground ride five minutes to myself, five seconds at a time. Racing around in the morning while you follow me with a toy catalogue talking about Marvel, dolls, chocolate makers and an Xbox I notice the washing Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve washed three times because everytime I forget to put it out to dry I carefully place you for mobile phone pictures so no one will see how messy the house is. Your first child arrives so cute and dainty

but by the third one youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re like â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Whereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s the baby?â&#x20AC;&#x2122; Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve got a lollipop stick stuck to my foot I just fell over your football boots A glass of wine is my serving of fruit looking in fear as you walk around with an open carton of juice. Then thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s the big sister A twister of pink hair, perfume and discarded towels, melted candles, hellos, goodbyes and lipstick I get a soft reminder of her baby pictures A young woman with burgeoning hopes, dreams and ambitions soon, like her, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll embarrass you by simply existing đ&#x;&#x2DC;&#x2030; Soon...in and out of the house youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll be flitting... But...yesterday, today and tomorrow, the ups, the downs and all the light in between Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve learnt more from you than youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll ever learn from me youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve taught me to love and nothing has to be answered the three of you are my chances to contribute to this world in a small way. I hope, when you sleep, you dream of love, soft pillows, clouds and rainbows, smiles, friendships and superheroes. Sweets and ice-cream, paintings and colours and Minion cakes, dusted in flour. By Zoe Murphy

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90 How to Advertise! It amazes me how many people ask the question ‘how do I get an advert in there?’ when we drop off the magazines. In fairness, we do have quite a bizarre system but for those of you who haven’t worked it out yet, here it is:Firstly, get a large pot. Large enough for you to get into yourself; eBay is a good place to search but be careful and always pay attention to the delivery charges as pots of this size can be very expensive to deliver. Once you have the pot, you will need to start a fire. Outside is usually best but if it’s raining then I suggest you break into a large hall, maybe a community centre where you may be able to use some wooden chairs as firewood. Make sure the ceilings are high enough and open windows to let the smoke out.

think we were going to do? Ask you to skin it alive and put it in the pot? Come on!!

So once you get the fire going, you can put the pot on top of the fire. Be careful, make sure it is stable and secure but you’re clearly not stupid as you have already got this far and followed these instructions very well. Next you will need a little oil. Engine oil is ideal but sunflower oil would suffice. Next is the tricky bit, you will need a small ginger and white cat. Please be aware that you can only start looking for the cat once the fire has started and the oil warm. Don’t cheat with this; don’t think that you can catch the cat then start the fire because it simply won’t work! Once you have managed to catch the ginger and white cat then release it; it holds no purpose. What do you

Next is slightly wacky I must admit. You dial the following into your phone; zero, seven, eight, eight, zero, three, six, nine, five, four, five and then press the call button. Somebody should answer the phone and you can book or discuss the options with that person. That person will tell you what to do with the pot when you speak to them. Incidentally, if you actually did buy a pot, start a fire in a community centre, traumatised and then released a ginger and white cat then I suggest trying this number before contacting us: ‘nine, nine, nine’ and just explain what you have done and make it very clear that you had no instructions from anybody to do anything....

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92 SWANNING AROUND THE UNIVERSE It was a week of contrasting fortunes for the Swans Universe this week... As one away fan dragged a Swan to death so she could have her photo taken with it... away fans for the most are gentle, kind and no trouble at all... our fair saviour Guidolin pulled us spluttering from the mire while laid on his sick bed... Our good man Alan and fair saviour Guidolin make a perfect match... Alan can do what Gary didn't really get time to... with the guidance that maybe Gary needed for a few seasons... so we could have a manager like Gary manage the club for maybe a Fergie or Wengie type reign... that would be nice...

Maybe not Monkie... just Gary will suffice. It also looks a bit grim now for the ugly duckling that drove the perry winkle blue coupe North squawking like a pinched goose on his way...

Tut tut ungrateful goose, eat your stew. Michu said he's ready to come back... bless. Flew the coup he did. Listen, I'd have Bony back cos Bony is capable yet... but no Michu no and No. If you came back you would literally have to score 35 in the league and a hat trick in the cup final to better the legend you left of...

Where's Michu hahahhHah Trust in space and time and the distance it takes to get there... that's the steady hand our fair saviour Guidolin gives... Paddy Stradlin

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J��e� B� S��n�� What you doing on the computer , she asked. Looking for cheap flights, I said. Oh I love you, she said, then she got all excited, quickly undressed and we had the most amazing sex in ages..... Which is odd really, she has never taken an interest in darts before.

Wife asked me what i was going to do when she went out. I said i couldnt decide whether to watch golf or porn. She said "watch porn you already know how to play golf". The Queen was attending a dedication service in the north of England. It was a chilly day and she couldn't make up her mind which hat to wear; The Fox Fur or the beaver. She decided to ask Prince Philip. "Where are you going?" he asked ---- "Wigan" replied the Queen. "Wear the Fox Hat" said the Prince. "It's just off the M6 Jnc 25" answered Her Majest

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96 P n - es P��n�-�es� P��n��n�! P n n ! We have all been there, (well those of us with kids) the football is on TV and we don’t get to watch hardly any of it as we are too busy entertaining the little monsters. I asked Claire from Munchkinos Childminding to try and come up with a solution.

Easter is fast approaching, well to be fair Easter

Ingredients

The celebration of International Fairy Day during June eggs have been in the shops since boxing day, gave me inspiration for a new activity . This is one that but it genuinely is nearly here! Most children love can start outside and end up indoors in time for the chocolate, well most people, but especially match. Bonus points should be awarded for fresh air children ! Theand majority offootball children I know should also love and creativity guilt free watching play doh so this Easter we have put the two ensue.

of chocolate spread even painted theCup stones to make them look prehistoric Cup ofTake icing (for the dinosaur garden). all sugar of your materials inside along with an empty and allow your child Splashbox of water to be creative whilst you watch the football. They can

Indoor Gardens play doh :-)

smiling eyes

together and come up with an edible chocolate

The children at Munchkinos really enjoyed making CHOCOLATE + PLAY DOH = HAPPY CHILDREN fairy gardens outside and asked if they could take them home to show their parents. So we Method came up with the idea of recreating the gardens in empty shoe boxes. It's a very

Use a large bowl and add the icing sugar to the

activity can spread. keep your little munchkins chocolate Using the back of a wooden going ages. doesn't have toto beform a spoonformix theIt two together a dough. You fairy have made monster maygarden. need toWeadd a splash of water to get the homes, alien planets, prehistoric lands , correct consistency. Once the mixture resembles farms, parks and a jungle the possibiliplay doh roll into a sausage and cut up into ties are endless. (See photos; scale manageable pieces. Smiling face obviously not important (black and white))

We added in different cutters and rolling pins and

What you need to explore. They enjoyed making left the children

edible shapes and smelling the mixture. You could

An box this or similar) getempty oldercontainer children (shoe to make up themselves and

to package it up as Easter gifts instead of Easter

Any small toys/props your child decides eggs. An imagination

Try adding peanut butter instead of chocolate How to create your garden spread .

Spend some time with your child exploring park or any This keptthe ourgarden, children busy forgreen a couple of hours space. Take some timeand to collect bits of football viewing also provided a snack. they think would help to create a

Win,win. Happy Easter:-)

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98 Quiz Answers Mind Puzzles 1) I got off on the second floor 2) In Washington DC 3) Bring the Chicken across, then bring the fox across and bring the chicken back. Take the corn and then go back for the chicken. 4) Light the match first 5) His mother died from childbirth. His father was present at the birth (before meaning in the presence of) and he was a priest who married over 100 women and men. 6) One of the women were a doctor 7) Because the car went over the bridge 8) It wasn’t raining 9) There is no smoke, it is an electric train 10) Because he was in a lighthouse and had turned the light off and caused the crash Vital Information: AW-10 would never play the Oscars. Not enough money in the world to get him there!!

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