Issue 56 lr

Issue #56

Time to seperate the men from the boys

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Editorial Race to Player Of the Year 11 to Get Local Team Trust Statement Fifa Were right God Spot Pictures of the Month History Quiz Picture quiz Mind Puzzles What the fans think Jokes by Spense Bradley rant Jokes By Spense POTH Fantasy Football Name the Car My Career Swanning around the Universe Meet the Barstaff Name the Pub Jack Sounds Parentless Parenting Your Local Trades Quiz Answers

18

APPLY NOW 62

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4

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I don’t buy this ‘get behind the club no matter what argument’. ‘We are Swansea City and real supporters support it no matter what!’ quite frankly, it is bollocks and it doesn’t work both ways! Try approaching the club and say that ‘I’ve supported you for 20 years but I’ve lost my job, any chance of a free season ticket?’ and see how much loyalty really lies within football!

The truth is that it is expensive to watch football these days and it would be even more expensive if the clubs could get away with it. The players earn insane amounts of money and the owners of our club (like every other one) are all millionaires; frankly if you want to call any of them a prick then have your fill!

I’ve made no secret about my opinions on how the club has been run over the last 18 months and I believe that Huw Jenkins and the board prioritised their share sale over the rebuilding of the current squad and we’ve lost three transfer windows because of it which is at the heart of our current struggle. I also think that Guidolin and Bradley were as far away from being managers that tie in with the ‘Swansea Way’ as you can possibly get.

That was then, but I do now feel a sense of optimism as the club make Swansea type signings once again, both on and off the pitch. Would Harry Rednapp, John Terry and Frank Lampard of had a better chance of us staying up? Almost certainly but it isn’t just about staying up but about being Swansea City again.

I ’m delighted with the appointment of Paul Clement, here you have a manager who has worked with some of the best clubs and players in the world, is a footballing man with a blemish on his CV which sounds an awful lot like a certain Northern Irishman who started this Premiership journey.

Swansea signing in the Leon Britton mould and if he can be half the man that Leon Britton is then he’d be 2 foot tall....................but still one hell of a player.

There are real positives coming from the Supporters Trust as the American owners finally seem to realise that it would be a good idea to keep the fans on board and the chaos which has surrounded the club all season does seem to have passed.

The real secret of our success has been unity and the clubs ability to look long-term and not waste money on short-term fixes which can disrupt squad harmony and the general feel around a club. That has always been the real Swansea Way. You are completely within your right to boo or protest against the club but in my opinion we are back on track, waving the Swansea way flag again and that’s a cause I’m happy to get behind.

One other thing, which people forget, has been at the heart to our success and that is the clubs ambition. Whether it be signing Rory Fallon, Scott Sinclair or Wilfried Bony, the club has always backed the manager with ambition when the time was right. I’m not calling for us to waste money for the sake of it but if the right man is there and the deal is good then let’s show that ambition once again and show that club and board are really back to the true Swansea Way. Cheers

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Tom Carroll may not be as exciting a signing as what Frank Lampard would have been but he’s a proper

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6

Race to Playeof the Year Race to player of the year has been really hard all season as there haven’t been enough players playing at a level worthy of much praise. I keep ducking out of it and I’m doing it again this issue. These are the three players who need to stepup to the task or be dropped.

Jack Cork: I have generally been a big fan of our former Saints player but I must question his desire for the fight. I’ve met him and he’s a lovely bloke but I don’t want a lovely bloke in the middle of the park right now and he’s behaving far, far too lovely! He’s been wearing our captains arm band at times but he is as far away from being a proper captain as Tom Daily is from being Captain Birdseye (fuck knows why that came to me??). He has to earn that arm band and it involves kicking people and being kicked, throwing yourself about the park, bursting a gut for lost causes and getting the rest of the team to follow you into battle. The Arsenal game was positive on many fronts but they are a side that you can get at, you can bully Arsenal and it had to come from Jack Cork and it didn’t and if he isn’t up to it then we need to find someone who is.

Fernandez: Alfie Mawson looks like hes’ going to be absolutely class but Federico needs to step out of the background and start being a man. He’s a wonderful centre back, graceful on the pitch, his anticipation is quality and on form he goes through a match unnoticed which was the perfect partner for a player like Ash who would always let strikers know he was there. Well Ash has long gone and somebody needs to do that dirty work and although Amat and VDH are happy to do so, they aren’t up to the quality of our Argentinian. He needs to impose himself on strikers, get into their face a bit, wind the buggers up and also be that commanding, organising player at the back. Personally, I think he’s a really top draw defender and him and Mawson could be good enough to keep us up but Fernandez has to step-up or be replaced, it’s that simple.

Routledge: Has the Premier League moved on or has he got worse? I’ve always been a fan, he gives everything and on-form has a bag of tricks but he’s not done anywhere near enough this season and Dyer outperformed him against the gunners. I said at the start of the season that he has the potential to score ten plus goals a season but he’s not getting near half that which isn’t anywhere near enough. It is far too late in the season and we are at a far too critical period to have any sympathy with confidence or form he simply has to start playing better, creating more chances and scoring more goals or he has to accept that his days of being a Premier League footballer are gone.

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8

11 to Get?

It is silly season and we are being linked with all kinds of players. Here is an eleven that would keep the Swans up and should all be ‘gettable’......

Roger Freestone We aren’t going to replace Fabianski and we shouldn’t either so our goalkeeping position is sorted but the big man could bring so much to the club. Curtis must need an assistant travelling to all those loan matches alone; get Freestone in alongside him!

Ben Davies: Spurs We missed out on bringing our Joey home which is proving a poor decision and it looks like we aren’t even looking at our Seven Sisters schooled boy. He is a cut above Martin Olsen, he has Premier League experience (and not just in getting relegated), he obviously knows the club and the area and would settle straight back into the starting eleven. He’s matured, his Argentinean manager (who I still can’t be assed to check how to spell his name) is the best coach in the league and the player who would once have lapses of poor positioning is better than the one who left. He will cost money, real money but we are told that there is money there, any 5 year old with a calculator can work out there is money there, go get him!!

Carl Jenkinson: Arsenal By the time you read this he may well have already joined Palace or West Ham but we should be right in the mix here! He would walk straight into our starting eleven and solve our problem right back position. We should be playing the style of football that Wenger applauds and would want his players to go out on loan to. This guy is now 24, played for Arsenal since 2011 and only played 38 games; his next loan could easily become a permanent one in the Summer, he has an England cap; how ambitious are we?

Curt Zouma: Chelsea He has been linked with a loan move to us but there doesn’t seem to be much going on but why not? He isn’t going to play much football this season at Chelsea, he isn’t going to knock Luis or Cahill out of the starting eleven when they are absolutely flying at the minute. They aren’t in Europe and so a player who has been capped by France and should be at the stage of his career where he is playing football looks likely to have a full season without a single minute in the Premier League. It would be in his interest, in Chelsea’s interest and certainly in our interest; ambition is fucking critical, let’s do it!!!

Sakho: Liverpool £20 million price tag put us off has it? 28 caps for France at 26, that is how much players like him cost. Whether we have looked at him as a permanent signing or as a loan deal, I don’t know but he’s worth another look. A loan would be ideal and if we can come up with a deal of x amount to loan him until then end of the season and an option to buy then lets do it.

Lucas: Liverpool He’d be my number one target this window. He’s put out a cry for first team football and he’d fit right in with how we like to play. He’s disciplined and clever in that defensive midfield role, Claud Makelele would love to have him in training and he’d help cushion our poor back 4. AT 30, he still has three or four years at the top left in him, if he costs £10 million then he’s a bargain. He’s Brazilian for fuck sake, he can play football and is exactly what we need right now and I see no reasons why we can’t sign him.

Fabian Delph: Citeh An energetic midfielder who just can’t get a game at Citeh and is never going to. He’s a very good ‘lower’ Premier League player, he chips in with some goals and is a real box to box player. He also likes to play football, picks out a pass and is a far more disciplined and level headed

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10

11 to Get?

(even if less capable of the spectacular) version of Jonjo.

Would he be available on loan? Probably not, could we sign him? Possibly.

Cheick Tiote: Newcastle Wildcard this one. The guy cannot get a game in the Championship with Newcastle and is eyeing up a big money move to China BUT it was only a couple of seasons ago that the likes of Arsenal were closing in on him and the guy can play. He’s 31, there must be a reason why he’s sulking in the North East but with these types of players you often find that they give you a golden few months and then become assholes; we just need the golden few months. Would cost bugger all, short term deal??

Ashley Young: United He’s never been good enough to play for Man United in my opinion; we aren’t Man United! He’s 31 so he is still very capable of playing at the top of his game, he works hard, is capable of cutting in and scoring goals and also getting wide and creating them. I have been a big fan of Routledge over the last few seasons but I do feel that we should be getting more goals from our wingers and this guy will chip in with more. He’s not playing football, a loan until end of season? Buy him; why not?

Demba Ba: Shanghai Remember this guy? Bags of Premier League experience and itching to get back into European football and still only 31. He has scored goals everywhere he’s been and always will. He isn’t really a typical Swans player but would be an ideal like-for-like replacement for Llorente should he leave. Currently out in China but his contract is up soon and he has signalled that he won’t be signing another one. Deals can be made; he could be a great short-term option to grab some much needed goals.

Bony: Stoke/Citeh If Lucas is my number one target then Bony has to be number 2. Supposedly he wasn’t that keen on a move here in the summer but things change. He’s on loan with Stoke and so a deal would need to be done with them AND Man City which could prove difficult but we know he’s worth it. He isn’t getting into the Stoke side and it looks like they would be quite happy to allow him to move on, his value is dropping by the month while at Stoke and so Citeh would like him to move on and so there must be a possibility that something can be worked out (especially when Citeh still owe us money for him). Go get!

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12

Local Team - Resolven AFC

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Which player has the smartest missus? Dawid Wojtalewicz (Dai Pole)

Arch rivals: Glynneath FC Whose the biggest spice boy? John Bwtt

Opposition player you’d like to see on crutches? Stinky (Onllwyn FC) Give us a joke? what do you call two fat people having a chat? A HEAVY DISCUSSION Longest serving player?

Carl Day 28 years

Worse photo of any player: Jamie Lewis

How is team doing this season? *Shit! In a Relegation scrap*

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Local Team - Resolven AFC

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Looking for new players? We got two teams, Fixing Solutions half.ai 1 20/11/2014 00:03:04 but new players always welcome

Cheers to all the boys at Resoven AFC and club Captain Alister Wheeler for getting in touch with these details and photos. Want us to cover your team? Get in touch on facebook or email info@jackswan.co.uk

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Swansea Dockers CLUB last legs but they keep going.

having a look in whereas now sometimes even the

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When their chance comes then it is down to them to take it. I always look at Jazz, he has had a couple of years where he wasn’t being picked but he’s been a really good pro, he’s trained hard, he’s a good bloke, we haven’t had any trouble out of him and his chance has come and he is in. Ben was the same, Tayls got injured and he was in.

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16 Appointment Of Paul Clement This was a statement on January 4th 2017 from the Supporters Trust.

The Swans Trust is pleased to confirm that we were fully consulted by other shareholders in the appointment of Paul Clement as the man to replace Bob Bradley as Swans boss.

Following the departure of Bradley last week, the club yesterday confirmed the appointment of Clement – who has worked at some of the leading clubs in Europe – to replace him.

As an organisation, we laid out to our fellow shareholders some blueprints that we believed were important in the new appointment, and discussed at length with them not just the merits of Paul but also the other candidates that were considered.

Whilst we do not feel it appropriate to name all those candidates, we do believe that following these discussions we have appointed the best person for the job, particularly given some of the various aspects that we looked at which included someone to give us a strong chance of staying in this division but also, should we fail to achieve that goal, someone who would be well positioned to mount a serious challenge next season to get us back to the Premier League.

It has also been key for us to work with someone who wants to return us to the football philosophies that we were so praised for in recent times, and give us back an identity that has been so sadly lacking on the pitch for the past couple of years.

The consultative approach to reaching this decision is one that we welcome, and we have been fully active in the discussions over the past few days through key personnel within the Trust and also the Club.

All shareholders are of the same mind, that it is key for us to give Paul Clement the opportunity to work with the players and maximise the time that he has available in the transfer window to strengthen the squad in the key areas that it needs.

We hope that the fanbase can now unite behind Paul and the team, as they work to start closing the gap that exists between us and the current safety mark in the Premier League. Last night’s performance and result at Selhurst Park was a great start and will hopefully be a springboard for better things to come in 2017.

As per our last statement, discussions continue to take place with the majority shareholders on a regular basis to reach agreement on our full involvement in the club going forward, and we will shortly be announcing details of our next forum, at which we will have representation of all key shareholders.

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18 FIFA were RIGHT to ban Poppy Top 2 Inches Regulations which the FAW and the other Home Nation associations agreed to, governing all official international matches they play.

Then, during the week of the games, FIFA warned the Associations publicly of the sanctions that would follow, yet the Associations chose not to follow those warnings, obey the regulations or even advise fans of their existence and the consequences. Arguing against guilt and liability subsequently seems idiotic. Thus, FIFA’s newly independent Disciplinary Committee is now taking the blame on FIFA’s behalf for enforcing its own binding charter and FIFA Regulations that were, at least partly, drafted by the Associations complaining about them.

FIFA has earned itself a poor reputation over the years.

Endemic and self-serving corruption, nepotism, insularity and a flimsy and inconsistent response to racism and absurd rules on player ownership are but a few ways the game’s global governing body have managed to veer from incompetence to moral bankruptcy.

Most recently, they’ve managed to wind up the Home Nations by handing out fines for the display of “political symbols” during games around Remembrance Sunday.

The FAW have been fined 20,000 Swiss Francs, ostensibly for fans having worn poppies to the game against Serbia, and for soldiers holding wreaths close to the pitch.

Theresa May, Tracey Crouch, Iwan Roberts and many others were quick to add it to the list of signs of how badly led and divorced from the sport the governing body are, and to accuse FIFA of being disrespectful to those the poppy represents in remembrance.

On this occasion, however, the reverse is true. For a start, FIFA have nothing formally to do with the prohibition in question or the sanction applied. The prohibition has been in place for players since 2007, when the Laws of the Game prohibited the players wearing political or religious symbols on any of the equipment listed in the Laws. Further, Regulation 60 (1) of FIFA’s Stadium Safety and Security Regulations prohibits the display of any religious or political symbol or message in or around the ground. Finally, 2 (c) of Annexe C of the same Regulations advises that the display of charitable or ideological material be forbidden as well as political and religious symbols as part of the conditions of entry.

So the International Football Association Board, including representatives from the four Home Nations agreed to a change to the Laws which has been reflected in FIFA

So how clear do FIFA Regulations or the Laws of the Game have to be? How many examples of sectarian and political violence at football matches have to occur? Is it really FIFA’s duty to explain to the Prime Minister that the impartial, objective and neutral requirements of a law exist for a reason?

For as much as the morbid cult of respect for an assumptive sacrifice is beginning to resemble the reverence that Fascism had for death and suffering in the name of the nation, it surely isn’t an enormous leap to see that Serbia, Germany and Ukraine might possess some rather inflammatory symbols that certain parties would be only to happy to see at all home sporting events, to which any argument that it’s “only” a symbol of remembrance would equally apply? That’s stopping in the borders of UEFA; the hostility between the Koreas or certain African and Middle-Eastern states is altogether more current. Fundamentally, is it really so difficult to understand that one of the few things FIFA can be credited with is moving away from administration that tended to produce one rule for one, and another for the rest?

The fact remains that the poppy is but one symbol of remembrance, with a particular geographic and ethnic heritage, and totally incompatible with the demands of a global game. The question, then, is not whether banning the wearing of the poppy is sinister, but why and when it became normal to devote an entertaining and meaningless diversion, an escape from reality, to the symbolic resurrection of conscripts, patriots and misled youth.

For all the ludicrous failings of FIFA throughout its history, this is one occasion when it has behaved exactly appropriately.

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20

God Slot

It is said that no one has seen the words, “I wish I’d spent more time at the office” on a gravestone. A colleague once told me that she decided to re-think her priorities after asking her 4-year old daughter to do something and, “I can’t, I’m in a meeting,” was the reply.

One of the psalms in the bible speaks of silver and gold idols that neither speak, hear, smell, or feel, and the same is true for each of us as the adulation of lifeless forms diminishes our highest and deepest joy.

We truly value that which has true worth in the places we devote our time, money, deepest affection, and gratitude.

Idols take many forms, such as excessive work; holding on to old hurts and arguments; striving for perfection that makes us perpetually dissatisfied; focus on our children at the expense of being present for our partner; excessive risk-taking; gambling, alcohol, or drugs; and so much more.

The highest aim of our lives should be in making manifest what we are uniquely called to be. At the beginning of a New Year Is there time for that person in your calendar, or are you avoiding or neglecting him or her?

God Bless Rev Lewis Rees

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Jan Fri 27th tool box djs 28th ice babies 29th our glass Fri 3rd Feb dj blk magic 4th big lick 5th endless words 10th dj blk magic 11th stoned faced souls 12th white lies

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17th dj blk magic 18th right hounerables 19th tbh 24th dj blk magic 25th feel good Inc 26th olly Murs tribute OPEN MIC EVERY WED QUIZ EVERY THURSDAY

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6 Race to Player Of the Year 22 �Ic���e� � ��� M�n��

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Fabianski Whether you are chasing the title or chasing seventeenth, you cannot overestimate the importance of a steady and trusted goalkeeper. Our pole has kept us in games this season already and will be vital to us amassing the desired number of points required (for whatever your optimistic goal is). He seeks to domto have no obvious weekness and if he can maintain his reliability then it will certainly give us piece of mind as the season continues. Great start.

Fer He’s an odd player is our Leroy. It’s quite hard to pin-point what he wants to do. He was awful against ally was or be a third central defender; he just seemed like he’d never played football before. Since then

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and play the game as he sees it and it has been great to see. He doesn’t seem to be blessed with the ability to tackle but that hasn’t stopped him from attempting to, he’s quick in that area of the pitch which is always and advantage (look at Kante). He’s winning me over and scoring 3 goals in 5 matched from the middle of the park is always a nice bonus.

Fernandez His awareness is absolutely outstanding. He took a bit of a gamble against Southampton with his slide against Shane Long (where the fecker dived) but his understanding of the situation and where the anger was was brilliant. He just gets on with his business in a generally calm and unnoticed fashion which is that line at the back at the moment, whether he’s the man for that job or not only time will tell but based on his personal performances then I’ve been fairly happy with how our Argentinean is playing at present.

Special mention: Kingsley slotted into the Premier League with no issue at all. Nobody here at SA1. He’s probably been our biggest positive over the last 6-8 months.

B el l a V i l l a ggi o N ew

T h u r sd a y

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F or book i n g

f ood v en u e

F r i da y

R i sot t o…

or i n f or m a t i on

I n K i lla y

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24

History Quiz

Answers on page 98: Good one this issue :) 1) Whose career is this? 1985-88 Newcastle, 88-92 Spurs, 92-95 Lazio, 95 -98 Rangers, 98-2000 Middlesboro, 2000-02 Everton, 2002 Burnley, 2003 Gansu Tianama, 2004 Boston 2)

How many goals did Ally McCoist score in his 56 matches in England?

3) Who signed for Coventry in 1998 from Real Betis before joining Real Madrd a few weeks later without kicking a ball?

4) Which 2 clubs are missing from this list and who is the footballer? 2001-04 Boca Juniors, 05-06 Corinthians, 06-07 ????, 07-09 ????, 09-13 Man City, 13-15 Juventus, 15-16 Boca Juniors?

5) Who scored 12 goals in their first 13 senior games with their debut coming back in 1993 and who didn’t play for any other club until 2001?

6) Tough one this: Which club is missing and who is the player? 99-05 Bayer Leverkusen, 01-04 San Jose Earthquakes, 05-14 ??, 2009 Bayern Munich on loan, 2010 Everton on loan, 2011 Everton on loan?

7) Johan Cruyff did it in 1973, Alan Shearer did it in 1996 and Zinedine Zidane did it in 2001.

What is it?

8)

9 players have been capped 100 or more times for England, name them

9) With 77 caps and at 27 years old, who looks in prime position to be the first Welsh player to reach 100 caps for country?

10)

Whose one2eleven (best players they have played with) is this (chosen by them)?

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Tip of the Month

from Upland Computers

Turn Off Helpful Tips

If you have been using Windows 10 for a little while, chance are you have already been pestered by notifications on how to use your new operating system.

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Microsoft has included a number of prompts and tips which appear at regular intervals from the new unified Notifications tab.

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But if you would prefer to work distraction-free – or simply the quirks and hidden features in your OSPCRESCUESHOP on your own – then here’s how to disable the notifications.

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26 46

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Renna and Wilcox continue. Nobody has got all of them since they took over the quiz so they have made it a bit easier thisfor issue.

I managed to get as 4, couldn’t getbypage number 4 but its athe great one once you know NO Answers atathe back anymore requested the locals inGet the Masons Arms in Wanuarlwydd.

Just change: Answers are on 98! link between all 4it!asBlame well them!!!!

Text 369545 Sendin!!!! your07880 answers to 07880 369545 to get your name in next months issue! There is a link between all five!

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3) What’s at least 6 inches long, goes in your mouth, and is more fun if it vibrates?

4. You play with it at night before bed. You can’t be seen fiddling with it at work. You only let very, very special people touch it. What is it?

5. What’s long and hard and has cum in it?

6. What does every woman have that starts with a “V” and that she can use to get what she wants?

7) What goes up, lets out a load, and then goes back down?

8. What do men keep in their pants that their partners sometimes blow?

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30

What the fans think

Is Paul Clement the right man to take the swans forward and why?

Emyr Evans Yes. That’s why!

Clare Lewis Yes we need to get behind him Taff OConnor Yes can’t be any worse can it Jason H Heslop Yes...

Aled Jones How would we know at this stage?

Kevin Thomas He seems to have a positive attitude which surely will benefit the team. Let’s get behind the new gaffer. S.T.I.D

Mike Dauria He could be the perfect appointment you don’t get to work with some of the players at the club’s he’s been and not learn anything or make any contacts. Swansea city success has been with made by giving people chances to show case their talents that’s managers and players obviously they are not all going to work out, what’s annoying is you hear the same thing all the time what’s Huw Jenkins doing and then it’s in Huw we trust. If your a supporter then you are part of the team and there for should get behind your Manager.

Jordan Harding He’s been in the job 5 minutes and he’s already being questioned. Give him a chance to bring his own players in and get the swans playing his way Martin Evans NEVER MIND ASKING QUESTIONS Support our team FFS

Paddy Martin His loan signings will make or break the club. His knowledge of football is second to few.

James Deason I don’t know but I hope he is...

Martin Evans ALL people are saying yeah no make your mind up there’s more TO Life than Jack Swan come on GET behind the boy’s this weekend I’M A JACK BASTERED

Ianto Wishart We need some big signings pretty sharpish. Otherwise we are a Championship club in May.

Stuart Mayes Is he fuck Mike Dauria We don’t want big signings we want the right signings, it’s all about staying in the premier league maybe that’s what it’s was all about when Bob Bradley was appointed which didn’t work. I suppose from a business sense why spend £80 Mil to stay up when you can spend £40 Mil to stay up. Dangerous game to play but maybe the board thought we had enough with what we had.

Daryl John Morris Yes because he already knows that Neil Taylor is shite.

Thomas Denzil Jones Well it’s too fukcing late now its go go go now and lets hope he has got influence???????

Karen Hopkins Mickey mouse could be in change but until the players put their bit in and play for their shirt & club we ain’t gonna win games !

Sean Richards He’s been a number 2 for 20 yrs I think that says it all.....coach not a manager!

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32

What the fans think

After the Arsenal game I asked: Is there any positives about the game today?

Mervyn Griffiths Taylor didn’t play Chris Chapman Played well first half. Ki played well Matthew Ambrose Then for the first 30 minutes showed great fight. Mawson looked strong at CB again. Ki looked better.

Ross Davies Mcburnie looked lively Matthew Ambrose Brilliant sprint down the wing Ian Jones If we can play like we did for first 45 mins for the whole 90, with the same work rate, imagination and intensity - we will give ourselves every possible chance of avoiding relegation.

Alex Collins The only positive I got out of today was telling the bearded wonder behind me off for calling Dyer a useless cunt after 10 minutes... What the fuck happened to our “supporters”?

Alex Collins On a positive note, 4-0 doesn’t reflect that match at all, definitely signs of improvement against a very good Arsenal team.

Steve Nicholas 7 players should.be replaced straight away.tidy 15 mins then two stupid goals..open header with 4 defenders just staring at him..the whole defence should be replaced..then we buy a winger after getting dyer back!

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Phil Doherty Worked :-)

Liam Flew I think there is definitely fitness issues there to many times this season we have just faded in the second half if we can sort that out and get a good center back in we might just be able to stay up

Ugo Vallario Cork is too slow and too negative....

John Finselbach Supporters we are people, just shut the fuçk up and gét behind the swans

Adam John Yes

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Paul Scott One positive was it only lasted 90 mins

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34

What the fans think If you could sign 2 players this transfer window, what positions would they play?

Would you consider selling or loaning Llorente this transfer window??

Paul Scott Coach and manager

Tom Chizzy No should keep him

Jeremy Evans Centre half and winger

Ianto Wishart No way. Get Baston out on loan to give him some experience of British football.

David Bevan : Eleven new players lol

Tom Chizzy Llorente will score goals if give chances

Craig Wiggins Left Back and Centre back

Chris Chapman No

Alun Krem-Szczesniak Centre half and a defensive midfielder.

Chris Chapman Centre half and centre midfielder Ian Jones Centre back and left back Debbie James Centre half and a good midfielder Robert Wayne Cook Ben Davis and a proven goal poacher

Tom Crawford I wouldn’t but I wouldn’t be surprised in the slightest if we did.

Mark Price Yes 100% and it’s going to happen and he’ll sit on the bench at Chelsea and get 20 mins a game but be paid twice what he’s getting with us.

Craig Wiggins No Gary Kirby Definite NO. Simon Daniels No.. He’s the only striker we have that can put the ball in the back of the net at the moment.

LIan Jones No. He’s quality, and whilst he isn’t the quickest, he will score goals if we play to his strengths. Plus he’s one of the few that looks like he cares and plays with some passion. Keep him

Clare Lewis Centre half and a winger

Martin Davies Llorente is better then that Chelsea guy don’t send him out

Steven Edwards Ante rajkovic and jimmy hadziabdic

Terry Greenslade NO WAY unless it was a swap for Bale.

Rowland Nicholls if only steven

Jason Scfc Griffiths Depends who we swap him with I’d take Costa as a swap

Brian Roberts: John terry on loan Ashley young on loan Richard Gregg : John Terry and frank lampard Julie Zachariah: David Zachariah James Deason Centre back and centre midfielder

Clare Lewis No keep him Steven Edwards No way he is the only hope of us staying up Mo Lewis • No way Karen Hopkins No we should keep him! Even tho he spends time on the floor and needs new batteries he’s tall in the goal mouth!

36

APPLY NOW

Go to www.jackswan.co.uk/awards to put your business forward for a Jack Swan award in 2017

38

“I couldn’t tell you what the night was like because I

Some idiot

thought to put a wasn’t there. pubs awards night on a Friday night which is one of our busiest nights. We couldn’t get out of work!

We were obviously chuffed to win the best curry award and we have clearly had

more customers

into the pub trying our curries since the award, especially on our Wednesday curry night.

I understand that this year the awards night is going to be on a Sunday and so we hope to get nominated and hope to witness all the

glitz and glamour this year!!”

Steve Tustain Pontardawe Inn Winner of Best Pub Curry

“The night itself was fantastic, done very professionally and it was great to see the evening go so well and to see everyone making such an effort. To be recognised by the people is a good thing and to win the award

To be nominated is an achievement and I got is brilliant.

to say that it was all really professional and the people around me were all fantastic.”

Dai JKs Bar Winner of best Barman

“The awards night for us at Shillingfords was a

great team building

night. We took a table of 10 of our staff with us and it's a night we all enjoyed and won't forget.

laid back atmosphere of the night made it fun and enjoyable for

Great us all....

Amazing feeling when we won our category!!! The award and the certificate and the apron was an amazing prize and look so effective in our shops, we have had a

lot of attention from winning. Local press picked up on the awards night and of course it went down a storm on social media.

best work event we have been to,

I would say hands down the the correct balance of a chilled out and NOT pompous atmosphere made it a great night for all to enjoy. With the added bonus of winning our award which gave us a huge push and buzz as a business.

The awards that mean the most to us as a business are the ones voted for by those that matter the most OUR CUSTOMERS. Who visit our shop regularly and not by a panel that come in and see how many boxes we tick!�

Kirsty Shillingford Shillingfords Winner of Best Chip shop 2016

40

J��e� B� S��n�� The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20.

Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit.

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on I said 'your pulling my leg' Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritic pain.

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Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, or is it just one of Granny's myths?

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46

J��e� B� S��n��

What's the difference between a candle and a curry?

A candle only burns at one end.

How many dance instructors does it take to change a light bulb?

Five...Six...Seven...Eight...

Last week, we took some friends to a new Indian restaurant, 'Muthu's Place,' and noticed that the Indian waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the junior waiter brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the Indian staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?''Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift. As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now..' I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the Indian waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the Indian waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?''Oh, certainly!' Then the Indian waiter lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 56.39%.'

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

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48

J��e� B� S��n�� Last night after a few beers Bob Bradley asked if he could stay on my sofa I had to explain to him that I'm married now so that's where I sleep.

Whenever I'm stuck over what to cook for dinner, I follow a healthy looking lady into a supermarket and buy the same things that she does.

So today we are having fish with bananas and fabric softener.

My wife has just left me due to my love of horse racing.

She's at the gate....and she's off!

Been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately.

Most common one seems to be "You said you'd be home from the pub 3 hours ago!"

Who needs a wife anyway?

How difficult can it be to boil a toast?

Huw Jenkins - So what if I don't know what apocalypse means!?

Jack Swan - It's not like it's the end of the world!

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I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia?

She whispered, "They're behind you!"

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.

The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.

My wife told me over breakfast that she is leaving me because of my obsession with twitter. I nearly choked on my #browns

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52

Poets on the Hill

Like a chess board..

Life...

Family.

May not be perfect But Everyone fits into a place.

You know who they are..

You know your relationship to them.

Their Expectations Mam Dad Sister Aunties Uncles Nieces What if someone takes that board Throws it high into the air.

You stand watching all of the pieces Falling.

Landing this way and that.

Upside down.

Back to front.

You remain suspended.

Looking down at them.

Strangers.

Unrecognisable in their new roles.

Chess board no longer your life.

Family. not yours You no longer fit.

Totally confused. Head fucked. another reality? parallel universe. anxious, angry so very scared.

Floating fuzzy, stand outside your body. stand and watch the chaos.

No one is who you thought they were.

Like a sick game of musical chairs.

Who are these strangers Not family anymore lies and deceit A charade an elaborate false tapestry Years to embroider Minutes to unpick.

Davina McColl your a lier Long lost families Happy endings, smiling faces, Loving mothers Open doors big family reunions Happy tears and welcoming arms.

Chess pieces that fall into place.

Not on this board

By Joolz Stewart

The Sea The smell of the sea reminds me of my first love Furtive fumbles in the heather on the clifftop Wind blows my hair a thousand different ways Watching a red tugboat called Winnie who’s seen better days The smell of the sea reminds me of vinegar sodden chips Clutching them in the cold with icy fingertips Smell of cockles, sea air and grains of salt on my lips Clanging boat bells, pocketed hands, lashing tide and hiding sands

By Zoe Murphy

By Gemma

54

Fantasy Football

IN-FORM PLAYERS This month, I’ll be concentrating on the players you should pick for your Fantasy Football team based on ‘Form’. I’ve created a shortlist of these players, and I’ll give my opinion on ‘Best Of The Bunch’ from the players listed. Form has been calculated on points gained in their last 4 games.

GK Robles (EVE) £4.7 Million – 21 points from 4 games (5.25 points per game) Randolph (WHU) £4.4 Million – 17 points from 4 games (4.25 points per game) Heaton (BUR) £4.9 Million – 15 points from 4 games (3.75 points per game) Best Of The Bunch – Robles looks to be in fine form, but my choice would be to go for Randolph based on upcoming games and his low price tag. (NB – 5 to 6 other keepers averaged around the same as Randolph and Heaton).

DEF Baines (EVE) £5.5 Million – 30 points from 4 games (7.5 points per game) Rose (TOT) £6.0 Million – 26 points from 4 games (6.5 points per game) Daniels (BOU) £5.2 Million – 25 points from 4 games (6.25 points per game) Best Of The Bunch – A tough decision between all three, but Baines gets the nod from me considering he is usually Everton’s penalty taker. Try to get all three in your team if possible.

MID Alli (TOT) £8.6 Million – 53 points from 4 games (13.25 points per game) Phillips (WBA) £5.8 Million – 26 points from 4 games (6.5 points per game) Sterling (MCI) £7.7 Million – 25 points from 4 games (6.25 points per game) Best Of The Bunch – Dele Alli (not his real name) the clear choice with an astonishing average points tally!

Phillips is my bargain buy choice.

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FWD Ibrahimovic (MUN) £11.6 Million – 40 points from 4 games (10 points per game) Giroud (ARS) £8.6 Million – 31 points from 4 games (7.75 points per game) Gray (BUR) £6.2 Million – 28 points from 4 games (7 points per game) Best Of The Bunch – A funny one this, as Costa and Defoe have been the reliable goal scorers this season so far. However, Ibra is the clear winner on average points.

I would still pick Costa over him though, as Chelsea are pushing for the title.

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56

Name the Car

(answers on pg 98)

1)

6)

2)

7)

3)

8)

4)

9)

5) Answers on page 98

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62

My Career: Alan Meachams

My top 11 players I have played with and against: 1.Gary Sprake - Birmingham City 2. Tony Screen, - Swans & Ammanford 3. Danny Bartley, - Swans & Port Talbot 4 Chris Holvey - Merthyr 5. Kevin Davies (Chalky) - Port Talbot 6. Colin Randell - Briton Ferry 7 Robbie James - Swans 8. Billy Screen - Ammanford 9. David Gwyther - Port Talbot 10 Ronnie Rees - Swans 11 Andy Legg - Briton Ferry (Apart from Gary Sprake..all teammates at some point) My football began at Oystermouth in Swansea`s u18 Corinthian League, with such stalwarts as John Hill (Dixie), Colin Goulding (Ernie) and Andy O’brien (Irish). This team eventually joining the 6th (yes 6th!) division of the Swansea Senior League and from where I went on to play over 1000 senior matches for Swansea, Merthyr, Ammanford, Briton Ferry, Rhayader and Port Talbot.

Joining the Swans circa 73/74, ...Teammates included Curt, Speedy, Wyndam Evans.....and the great Robbie James....most of whom weren’t established regulars in those days....Those who were established though were Ronnie Rees, who was Swans most expensive signing at the time, Herbie Williams, Danny Bartley, Tony and Billy Screen, great characters at the Vetch in those days, including the manager at the time Harry Gregg. Greggy who must have been the originator of the hair-dryer...Not that it was known as that in those day....more like a Blast Furnace as he was awesome in full flow. Thankfully

I was never the focus of his anger although I did witness it on several occasions. Luckily Jimmy Mac, his assistant at the time was pretty good at defusing these situations to the relief of players under duress!!...

At the start of the 74 season I made my Football Combination debut against 1st Division Birmingham City at the Vetch who included Gary Sprake - then most expensive GK in the Football League - Gary was superb in everything he did that day, but he couldn’t stop a piledriver from Glen Davies which earned us a credible 1-1 draw. As a rookie GK it was a great honour after the game for me to shake hands with a player who had been capped by Wales 37 times and had played well over 350 games for the great Leeds United side of that era.

Even at Welsh League level fixtures against Cardiff were always keanly contested and I am pleased to say I experienced a clean sheet and victory in these derby matches, which were always treated by players and coaches with an extra competitive edge. My appearances for the Swans were limited however, not least because the club signed the great Jimmy Rimmer, who was already an established keeper at Man U. When Harry Gregg was eventually sacked I was still thought highly enough of to sign football league forms for Harry Griffiths, but with Jimmy firmly established never got an opportunity to make further progress.

From the Vetch I spent several seasons at Ammanford, joining an established and talented team in a strong Welsh League which in those days included the Swans, Cardiff and Newport.

Ammanford were a good team with experienced

Below Ammanford 1979

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64

My Career: Alan Meachams

Briton Ferry V Swans 1987 Cup Final former pros such as Tony and Billy Screen, Paul Fury and Ioan Rees,and the club also helped start the careers of players such as Phil Fisher - who went on to play league football at Exeter City - and Paul Bannon, who after being released by Forest eventually established a league career at Carlisle and later Bristol Rovers, Cardiff and Plymouth before moving to Greek Champions Larissa. As well as being a good footballing team Ammanford could also mix it when needed - particularly in the West Wales derbys against Llanelli, Pembroke and Haverfordwest, no one more so than Paul ‘BullDog’ Fury who loved a tackle and never disappointed opponents when called upon. Unfortunately ‘The Dog ‘ often spent more time suspended than playing! One afternoon Swans striker Mark Baker would be thankful that Paul was on the pitch on the day he clashed heads and was knocked unconscious. Paul’s immediate reaction in clearing Marks airways prevented the incident becoming much more serious.

In 1980, in my last game for the club, I captained the winning West Wales Senior Cup side, beating a strong Swans side 2-0 with goals from Ioan Rees and Nigel Dalling. The following season, I signed for Merthyr, and quickly established myself as 1st team keeper, playing in every one of almost 60 league and cup games during 1981/2 season, including an FA Cup appearance against Yeovil on their famous slope and Cardiff City in the Welsh Cup.

Southern League football was fast and competitive with a lot of ex pros and players of the calibre of Alan Smith - Arsenal, Alan Birchinall - Chelsea, Jon Sammels - Arsenal and Leicester, Jeff Blockley - Arsenal, Trevor Morley - Villa, Tommy Robson - Newcastle and Ian Turner and Bobby Stokes (FA Cup Winners at Southampton) turning out for Southern League clubs.

Sadly a broken hand put me out of action for several months early the following season, and although I remained at Merthyr for another season I struggled for form and eventually joined Port Talbot along with former Swans legend Dave Gwyther.

Big Dai was awesome that season, and a true pro on the field, but in a less demanding environment also showed great leadership in the bar!!....That season actually saw us lead the Welsh league from early October until the last day of the season when we were beaten at the post by Barry Town. From there I followed manager Alwyn Mainwaring to Briton Ferry where I stayed for several seasons before taking charge after Mainwarings eventual successor Colin Randell resigned his position. Season 1990 saw me move back to Port Talbot, joining up with my former Swans teammate Danny Bartley, and remained at Victoria Road until hanging up my boots in 2000 at the age of 46.

That was until a very persuasive and enthusiastic

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My Career: Alan Meachams

Neal Evans and others at Swansea University Veterans came calling to ask me to be part of the development of veterans football in Swansea. As a member from its modest inaugural friendly fixtures in 2014 to last year’s fantastic experience of winning the over 50’s cup and an appearance at The Principality Stadium, plus several Wales Veteran’s International caps at over 50, 55 and over 60’s, it seems even at 62 there is no limit to the enjoyment that playing gives!!

Swansea University Veterans offer football on a competitive basis at over 40 and over 50 level in the South

Wales Veterans league as well as “football for all”, with training three nights a week and intersquad and friendly games most Sundays. All new players, at any level, are welcome.

A big thanks to Alan for sending this and his brilliant photos over. If you wish to tell us about your footballing career or if you would like to know more about the Veterans league then please get in touch at info@jackswan.co.uk.

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68 Swanning Around The Universe

Cannibal space and we cannibals in it…

So in previous Swans I’ve discussed the fact that we are all made of stardust. Axiom.

That on a fundamental level we as individuals match the makeup of the Earth.

And now… how the very nature of everything, on the scale of the Universe to the individual, seems to be to cannibalise stardust.

Recently started research is making a map of our galaxy, the Milky Way. A pair of telescopes (Gaia) that have been fired into space by the ESA (European Space Agency) are photographing our Milky Way and the space between the bodies (300 billion) in it.

So a map of our entire galaxy will soon be able to be viewed in 3D. One of the discoveries that has been made is how stars we’ve known about for a while are in fact multiple stars (Binary Stars). The perfect examples of this given in the recent BBC Sky at Night documentary about the Gaia mission were 1. MY Camelopardalis - two blue stars that are in contact and may merge into one star 2. Gaia14aae - a white dwarf and a giant companion. The prior is cannibalising the latter.

3. Andromeda and our Milky Way - our neighbouring galaxies (Andromeda) outskirts is colliding into the outskirts of our galaxy.

So the Gaia mission has shown how our Milky Way is constantly moving and growing… how through the scaled examples above it has consumed other smaller galaxies in the past, how it is still developing through galactic cannibalism today and how it will continue to do so for the eternity of forever...

Stardust consuming stardust.

The way of the Universe.

Is this simply mankind’s purpose as such miniscule individuals within the monstrosity of everything?

Paddy Stradlin

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Meet the Barstaff Name: Jonathan Pub: Pontardawe Inn Joke: I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Fav Drink: Guiness Fav Customer: Leon Interesting Fact: Once refused Marti Pellow of Wet Wet Wet to get up and sing with our vand as i didnt think it was him. Apparently it was

Name: Charlene williams Pub: Smiths Arms, Llansamlet Favourite Drink- Vodka and lemonade Favourite Joke -Boy lived in an inflatable world where he and everything was inflatable.

Walked into hisown inflatable classroom where his inflatable teacher asked for his homework which he hadn't done. Teacher shouts at him and he loses his temper and pops her, next thing he's in the headmasters office and his inflatable headmaster is shout8ng at him so he pops him too. Walks out of school and pops school on way out last.

Looks back and thinks what have I done and so he pops himself. Next thing he knows he's waking up in inflatable hospital with headmaster over him saying 'I'm very disappointed in you, not only did you let me down but you let your teacher down and the school down but worse of all you let yourself down' Favourite Customer - Alan Interesting Fact : Love socialising, live banter, hearing customers stories and sharing my own

Want to be here next month?

Email your name, pub, favourite drink, joke, customer & interesting fact to info@jackswan.co.uk

Keith & Tracy welcome you to Neath Club House

72

Name the Pub

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3)

2)

4)

Answers on page 98.

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74

Jack Sounds

INTRODUCTION Welcome to 2017, ladies and gents! And thank the mortal, rooting-tooting fuck for that, eh? Phew. That was a rough one, wasn’t it? But it’s all over now (and thank Jeebus and Spongebob and Curts and The Holy Spook for that) so let‘s look forward to the future with broad, corn-fed smiles and a chipper attitude, safe in the knowledge that’s there’s simply no way – barring, of course, some kind of apocalyptic event* – that things could conceivably get any worse.

Yes, indeed: the terrible year of 2016 – which was characterised principally by a series of mind-boggling events of unspeakable foulness – has now finally been dragged out to that bit of the car park that’s not covered by the CCTV for a good, old-fashioned kick right in the fork... so let’s all try to move gratefully and graciously on, forgetting all about what shall henceforth only be referred to euphemistically as “The Unpleasantness”.

And even though the Swans are bottom of the table and Donald Bleedin’ Trump is about to get his tiny, soft, plump and hairless hands on the nuclear codes, I still think we should try and face the future with positivity, kindness and maybe – just maybe – a healthy dose of wild abandon. Why not? Let’s party like its 1999, folks – and if things get a little bit too high and wild at times, just chalk it down to experience...just get up, wipe yourself down and have another go. It’s all a laugh, and you got to have a laugh, haven’t yew? Does anyone remember laughter? JS *My money is on either a) a meteor strike that knocks the earth off its magnetic centre, causing all sort of gravitational anomalies that are great for golfers but catastrophic for farmers, bees and pigeons, or b) a plague of giant, bear-sized rats that inexplicably develop higher brain functions, who (at one of their first press conferences) declare their major intention to be the enslavement/destruction of all humanity, for the greater benefit of rat-kind...so, you know, watch you don’t get shipped out to the cheese mines, good buddy.

THE LITTLE INTERVIEW – “JAY STARKEY” (BARMAN/BREWER/PRINCE OF BEER @ THE LAST RESORT) Jay Starkey is one of the fine people involved in the sweet, sweet resurrection of the Adam &Eve. I first encountered this charming and handsome gentleman when he was working at the much-missed Gravity Station a couple of years ago, where his laid-back and welcoming attitude contributed greatly to the much-admired good vibes of that glorious place. Mr. Starkey (Jesus…WHY am I only NOW thinking about calling him “Ringo” – irritatingly and repeatedly – until he tells me to fuck off? I must be slipping…) has what can only be described as an encyclopaedic knowledge of beer… knowledge that was primarily responsible for approximately 82.7% of all my Grade 1 hangovers during the 2014/15 drinking season. God bless him for that. Hailing originally from Milton Keynes, Jay has now made Rainy Jack-Land his permanent home, and is expecting his first babby in a few weeks with his partner Caz. Congratulations to you both!

1) Who are your favourite bands/musicians?

Velvet Underground, Lou Reed, REM, Nirvana, Beastie Boys, Wu-Tang Clan, Braintax, First Rate, Artful Dodger, Nils Frahm...mate, I could literally go on forever here, but these guys get regular play; it’s songs from these artists that I hear in my head as I relive old memories.

2) What’s your favourite song/track?

I had to think hard about this one and I keep coming back to “Bring Da Ruckus”, the opening track to WuTang’s debut album “36 chambers”, to me, it’s not the best song on the album, but I just love it. I was lucky enough to have the record played to me through a £50k audio set-up last year. I’ll never own a stereo like that.

3) What’s your favourite album?

These simple questions aren’t that simple!! Ha!! The album I love the most, the one where I know every lyric, every beat, every sample...has to be Braintax’s

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76

THE LITTLE INTERVIEW – “JAY STARKEY ”

“Birofunk”; I love his flow, his lyrics...the kid had a wild imagination; track 3 is “Futureghost”, which is set 50 years in the future – about 40 from now – and ya know what? I’d say our future could be how he imagined – a bit sooner though!

4) If you could play any instrument in any band, alive/ dead, what would you choose?

Piano with Nils Frahm...the dude is a genius! I only heard him for the first time the year before last, and through a very good friend I was lucky enough to see him live at Calston Hall a few months after.

5) What’s your favourite gig/event you’ve been to in Swansea this last year or so?

Swansea is bursting at the seams with excellent musicians; I’ve been here for 18 months and seen some amazing local bands and solo artists, [and] I’m happy to say that I’ve become friends with a lot of them. Our mutual friend Felix Subway is probably one of the most brilliant artists I’ve met; he, too, is a genius. As for touring bands, I saw Hot Brass 8 at Sin City in the summer; they were phenomenal, as were their support act, Afrocluster... although I missed the very end of that gig, for one reason or other.

6) As you are undoubtedly a Jedi knight of delicious ale knowledge, what would you recommend keeping an eye out for round these parts?

Ha! Thank you very much! There’s some really good beer being made in Swansea, but nothing too exciting...even on most of the taps there’s nothing too exciting; that is starting to change now though, and I’m excited about it! What to look out for? “West Three Brewing Co” is the next brewery to open, and they’re doing some very interesting things; they’ll put Swansea on the map in the UK’s craft beer world.

7) Tell me a joke.

What’s E.T short for? Because he’s got little legs.

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78

MOJO RISING

“MOJO RISING” – THE LAST RESORT & THE REBIRTH OF HIGH STREET The resurrection/redevelopment of High Street is a long-standing, complex issue that’s been the topic of heated debate in these parts for at least a generation.

Pretty much since the days of Maggie Thatcher being in the big job and me being in short trousers the arguments have raged and droned in equal measure, whilst fine, old buildings rotted and decayed and businesses shut down and moved out in their droves…and a great ANGST subsequently settled over High Street, and things got a bit wild for a time. I remember hearing the area described once by some glib fucker as “the part of Swansea designed specifically for junkies”...which is an admittedly snappy if somewhat caustic take on things... bloody unfair too, considering winos have always been equally welcome (JOKE).

However, the last few years have seen a massive amount of investment, demolition and (shock! horror!) sensible planning, mostly – to give credit where it’s due – emanating from the brain-trust of those good people at Coastal Housing, who’ve been buying up large chunks of the area, building dozens of new flats, putting up office buildings and “creative spaces” (as part of the Urban Village development; see www.urbanvillageswansea.com for more details on that project) as well as (so I’ve been told) offering competitive and encouraging lease options to prospective businesses.

This makes as much sense from a business point of view

as from a town-planning one. See: one of the unexpected problems that cropped up during the evolution and rebuilding of post-war Swansea was that the growth of business and retail units in the city centre drastically reduced the number of people who were actually living there, and then, when those businesses started to fail as the retail economy high-tailed it out of town and into the sticky embrace of those ginormous retail parks with a million parking spaces, the town centres themselves, with their residential population already practically extinct, started to take on that “day-after-the-apocalypse” appearance, and streets once thronged with shoppers now found themselves littered with, well, litter – as well as other forms of detritus and forgotten things, which sadly included people. All of this change/progress/ living-nightmare inevitably had a negative, knock-on effect on the street-life and night-life economy of the city centre, spread out over half a century or so, with High Street probably being the worst affected and the least maintained.

These days however, with the booming popularity of Wind Street, the slow death of The Kingsway and the concerted efforts to get more people back living in the city centre, the balance seems to be shifting again, and High Street looks in a prime position to be a big winner in all of this change – provided, that is, the same level of vision, development and co-operation continues at the same pace, and – most importantly – with the same level of enthusiasm.

Think about it: many thousands of visitors to Swansea

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80

MOJO RISING

head down to Wind Street each week for their nights out on the slash, right? A large proportion of them arrive by train and are compelled by necessity to walk the length of High Street to get to the bright lights and the 3-4-1 WKD Blue offers, so wouldn’t it be a good idea economically to have a fine selection of entertainment/ eating venues on their walking route down, just in case they fancy a few sharpeners, a bit of scran or some tunes before they enter the maelstrom of bars and madness that is Wind Street on the weekend? Makes sense to me.

It could even be billed as “a gentler alternative” to the Wind Street vibe; similar to the Northern Quarter in Manchester, it could be the home of the more off-beat bars, weird food outlets and artistic ventures of all kinds.

But people NEED to live there – otherwise it won’t work.

And this is why the floated idea of putting student accommodation in that part of town is, for me, also a good one. Some people will complain, but some people will ALWAYS complain about anything that’s new. Bollocks to them, I say. It’ll put a large number of free-spending, non-cynical young people in close proximity to the city centre and close to the kind of businesses they’re likely to be patronising: pubs, cafes, takeaways, restaurants, bookshops, music outlets et cetera. Wonderful. Also, large groups of young people en masse tend to deter the kind of predatory, intimidating behaviour we’ve seen too much of over the years.

All the work that’s been done up to now is clearly starting to have a tangible effect, with a plethora of independent business ventures cropping up and a feeling of life and vigour and possibility floating around the place like a miasma. There’s even a rumour of plans to put two great, big metal arches at either end, rather like the entrance to Chinatown in other cities. I like this idea a lot, and will be arguing vociferously for it. The area has also been designated by the Welsh government as a “Strategic Regeneration Area”, which entitles it to extra funding and subsidies to assist with the redevelopment.

The challenge, obviously, is in making sure this money is

well-spent on sustainable and sensible projects that will undoubtedly enhance the area and provide employment, entertainment and entrepreneurial opportunities.

In short, this could be a landmark opportunity to show that with the right funding, the right planning and – above all – the right INTENTIONS, inner-city redevelopments need not go down the elitist gentrification route… because, in my opinion, what Swansea DOESN’T need right now is a bunch of overpriced, pretentious food and drink outlets where a round of pints costs as much as your weekly food shop. NO! NO! NO! There’s always a place for a bit of that, but what we NEED are earthy, friendly, good-value establishments where people from all walks of life are able to get together and get to know each other a bit better, while enjoying the atmosphere and the company; places where you can go for a quiet pint or a brew and a chat. Or just to do nothing.

How’s this for a rule of thumb? Don’t tell people what they SHOULD WANT; instead give them what they ACTUALLY NEED. Jeepers creepers...all of this serious business and historical jabbering is starting to resemble Proper Journalism – which, of course, is something I strive to avoid at all costs, but – if truth be told – it was all designed (probably) to lead us smoothly into finishing up by talking about one of the latest and (from my point of view, anyway) most interesting of these developments, which is the rebirth of the much-missed Adam & Eve public house, which was for many years a staple of the live music scene in the city, as well as being one of the very earliest places I personally saw live music, way back in the mid80’s when I was still knee-high to a Pomeranian and twice as neurotic. My old man was a regular down there for many years – along with every other BT/GPO worker with an early finish on a Friday and a terrible thirst to quench – and so was my father-in-law, as it happens, who lived in North Hill for years and surely had an equally horrific thirst post-work thirst…so you can be sure I’ve heard many, many stories of glorious all-day sessions down there in the 60’s and 70’s, back in the days when the beat was heavy, the hair long, the snakebite cheap and the denim doubled.

Heh. This honourable establishment has now been taken over by an organisation called “Something Creatives” (www.somethingscreatives.com) and renamed “THE LAST RESORT”. The people behind it describe themselves on their website as being “creative folk

82

MOJO RISING

working in music, art, design, food, festivals, communications, events and venues”, and are the people behind a number of particularly cool events dotted around the country…like the Street Food Circus, for example, which is a thriving weekly street market based in a previously abandoned piece of industrial space in central Cardiff.

Or the “CineCabaGogo”, which is a custom-built Art Deco cinema located snugly in the back of a London black cab. Coolness. They also claim to be able to provide the biggest bouncy castle in the world…to which I say, “Yes, very nice; but how high can I fucking bounce?”.

It’d better be high.

I was lucky enough to be shown around the place a couple of weeks ago, and to have the plans explained to me in some detail. I’ll write a bit further about what’s going to be happening down there in next months’ magazine, but for the moment I’ll simply say: you’re going to love it, and it might well represent a symbolic change in the fortunes of High Street. Why not? When you’re lying in the gutter, it’s always best to keep your focus on the stars; believe. JS

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84

EP REVIEW: BRYONY SIER – “THE CROSSROADS”

Bryony Sier is a 17-year-old singer/songwriter from Merthy Tydfil, who I was lucky enough to catch performing just before Christmas at The Wern Fawr in Ystalfera. I’d been informed (repeatedly) by the gentleman who runs the night there that I was going to have my mind righteously blown by her shimmering talent and heavenly voice…and so it was. My god!

This girl can really, REALLY play! Honestly, I haven’t seen such versatility and range in someone for a very long time; on a purely technical level, Bryony is inarguably a master guitarist…by the age of 17. What’s your excuse?

Bryony cut a slight and delicate figure, practically dwarfed by her big ol’ dreadnought guitar, but when she started to play she grew in stature until she filled the room; heads turned, eyes widened and ears opened like flowers. There’s always something wonderfully compelling and a little bit magical about seeing someone who’s capable of captivating human beings at this level; it’s akin to some form of hypnotism…and it’s not the sort of thing that can be faked, either – or even learned…you either have it, or you don’t; she has it.

But enough of this fawning; let’s get down to business.

“The Crossroads” is Byrony Sier’s latest EP, a five-track effort that comfortably straddles the emotional and musical space between country, blues and pop.

It’s a wonderfully produced and recorded work in which Bryony’s rolling, percussive and intricate acoustic guitar playing is beautifully accompanied by sparse and well-placed piano, electric guitar and some delicate percussion.

There’s some real tunes on it too, like closing song “The River”, which definitely harks from the more poppy, polished end of the country music canon. It’s a bit like a spiritual. It’s performed gently but with mounting passion as the song goes on. A wonderfully understated electric guitar does some tasteful noodling in the background, and there’s a beautiful bit of high-pitched singing towards the end, where Bryony appears to be trying to sing notes

that only bats can hear, with some considerable success.

I also really love the funky country/blues of the title track, “Crossroads”…it’s an odd one, though…I’d go as far as to call it “dark country”. Indeed. From the sublime to the heartfelt to the cathartic. On this one she’s howling like Robert Johnson while a weird, wonky guitar riff underpins the whole thing and some very weird percussion (sounds like someone shaking a bag of nuts) keeps things regular. A wonderful song, as are the others. I suggest you look her up on itunes or spotify (like I did) and become convinced of her genius (like I was). Then soon you’ll be annoying your partner or significant other, along with your friends by telling them how, if Bryony Sier upped sticks and did one to Nashville for the year, they’d welcome her like a long-lost daughter and put her name in many, many lights.

“Crossroads” is available to purchase from itunes and to stream on spotify. If you want a physical CD, get in touch with Bryony on her facebook page www. facebook.com/officialBryonySier

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08 RENAULT CLIO 1.2 EXPRESSION,3 DR,BLACK,PAS,ALLOYS,C/L,72K £ 3,695 £2,495 56 FORD KA 1.3i COLLECTION, BLACK,PAS,C/L,E/W,CD,39K,FSH,NEW MOT 04 LANDROVER FREELANDER TD4 SE,GREEN,PAS,ALLOYS.LTHR,FSH,118K £ SOLD 08 VAUXHALL CORSA 1.2 BREEZE, 3DR ,BLUE,PAS,ALLOYS,1 OWNER,82K £ 2,495 54 FORD FOCUS ST170, 3 DOOR,BLUE,ALLOYS,PAS,R/C/L,E/W,FSH, 113K £2,495 07 SKODA SUPERB 2.0TDi ,BLUE,PAS,ALLOYS,E/W,A/C, 117K MOT FEB14 £ 3,295 56 NISSAN NOTE 1.6 SE,5 SEPT ££ 2,695 2,795 07 VAUXHALL CORSA 1.2 DOOR,GOLD,PAS,ALLOYS,R/C/L,63K,MOT LIFE AUTO,3 DR,SILVER,PAS,R/C/L,E/W,51K,MOT 54 CITROEN C3COLLECTION, 1.4 LX, 51.2DR,GREY, PAS,R/C/L,E/W, FSH,92K, NEW MOT £1,995 08 VAUXHALL CORSA BREEZE, 3DR ,BLUE,PAS,ALLOYS,1 OWNER,82K £ 2,495 56 FORD KA 1.3i BLACK,PAS,C/L,E/W,CD,39K,FSH,NEW MOT £ 2,495 VW POLOCLIO 1.4 TDi 5 DR, BLACK,PAS,ALLOYS,R/C/L,E/W,95K,MOT SOLD 0355RENAULT 1.5 SE(80), DCi DYNAMIQUE,3DR,BLACK,ALLOYS,101K, £20 TAX £1,995 CLIO 1.2 RIP CURL, 3RED,PAS,R/C/L,E/W,73K,FSH,MOT DR,SILVER,PAS,ALLOYS,C/L,48K,FSH ££ 2,495 SOLD 07 RENAULT 54 FORD FOCUS ST170, 3 DOOR,BLUE,ALLOYS,PAS,R/C/L,E/W,FSH, 113K £ 2,495 56 TOYOTA AYGO VVTi, 5 DOOR, MARCH 03 RENAULT CLIO 1.2 DYNAMIQUE,3DR,BLACK,ALLOYS,PAS,C/L,107K,FSH £1,795 07 VAUXHALL CORSA 1.2 LIFE AUTO,3 DR,SILVER,PAS,R/C/L,E/W,51K,MOT £ 2,695 0304 RENAULT CLIO 1.5 DCi DYNAMIQUE,3DR,BLACK,ALLOYS,101K, £20 TAX £ 1,995 £ £1,795 LANDROVER TD4 SE,GREEN,PAS,ALLOYS,LTHR,113K,FSH 2,995 03 SEAT AROSA 1.0FREELANDER S, BLACK,ALLOYS,PAS,R/C/L,E/W, 79K,NEW MOT 55 VW POLOCORSA 1.4 TDi SE(80), 5 DR, BLACK,PAS,ALLOYS,R/C/L,E/W,95K,MOT £2,495 2,695 02 VAUXHALL CORSA 1.2AUTO, ELEGANCE,5 DR,RED,ALLOYS,PAS,C/L,97K,MOT 04 MERCEDES SLK 200 SILVER,PAS,ALLOYS,R/C/L,E/W,109K,MOT 02 VAUXHALL 1.2 ELEGANCE,5 DR,RED,ALLOYS,PAS,C/L,97K,MOT £ 1,495 £ £1,695 04 MERCEDES SLK 200 AUTO, SILVER,PAS,ALLOYS,R/C/L,E/W,109K,MOT £ 2,495 04 VW CADDY SDi VAN, WHITE, PAS,C/L,E/W, 110K, MOT FEB 14,TAX JAN £1,695 VAUXHALL MERIVA 1.6i DESIGN, SILVER,PAS,R/C/L,E/W,FSH,98K, MOT £ 1,995 5207 RENAULT CLIO 1.6i DYNAMIQUE,3DR,BLACK,PAS,134K,RECON ENGINE £ 1,395 03 DISPATCH 1.9D VAN,WHITE,PAS, 6 DOORS,130K,MOT FEB 14 ££1,695 05 CITROEN VW TDi HIGHLINE(130), MET.BLUE,ALLOYS,LTHR,FSH,148K 1,995 VWPASSAT PASSAT HIGHLINE(130), MET.BLUE,ALLOYS,LTHR,FSH,148K £ 1,995 5405 FORD FOCUS TDiTDi ESTATE,WHITE,PAS,ALLOYS,E/W,C/L,167K,MOT FEB £ 1,295 52 RENAULT CLIO 1.6i DYNAMIQUE,3DR,BLACK,PAS,134K,RECON ENGINE £1,395 55 FORD FIESTA 1.2 ZETEC, DR,MET.BLUE,PAS,ALLOYS,C/L,E/W,74K, £ 1,695 SOLD RENAULT 1.5DCi5 DYNAMIQUE,4 DR,GREY,PAS,ALLOYS,95K 0257 PEUGEOT 206MEGANE 1.6TDi XSi,3ESTATE,WHITE,PAS,ALLOYS,E/W,C/L,167K,MOT DR,BLUE,17” ALLOYS,PAS,CL,136K,NEW MOT £ 1,195 54 FORD FOCUS FEB £ £1,295 57 RENAULT MEGANE 1.5DCi DYNAMIQUE,4 DR,GREY,PAS,ALLOYS,95K £ 1,695 SKODACLIO FABIA 1.4 AMBIENTE,GOLD,PAS,R/C/L,E/W,FSH, 38K MOT ££1,195 1,495 02 PEUGEOT 2061.51.6 DR,BLUE,17” ALLOYS,PAS,CL,136K,NEW MOT 5155 RENAULT DCi,XSi,3 5 DR,GREEN, PAS,C/L,E/W,131K,MOT/TAX £30 ONLY, £ 1,195 03 VW POLO 1.4 TDi SPORT,3 DOOR ,BLUE,PAS,ALLOYS,E/W,FSH,94K,MOT £1,495 1,695 05RENAULT PEUGEOT 2061.5 SWDCi, 1.4 HDi, YELLOW,PAS,E/W,C/L, FSH, 92K,MOT JAN 51 CLIO 5 DR,GREEN, PAS,C/L,E/W,131K,MOT/TAX £30 18 ££1,195 56 KIA PICANTO 1.1 ZIP,SILVER,PAS,R/C/L,E/W,S/ROOF, 88K, MOT SEPT 2016 £ 1,295 53 VW PASSAT TDi 130 SPORT,BLUE,PAS,ALLOYS,R/CL,E/W,FSH,170K,MOT SOLD B AR GAI N B A S E ME NT: TDi SE ESTATE, SILVER,PAS,R/C/L,139K,NEW MOT ISSUED 1,095 B51 A05 RVW GRENAULT AINPASSATCLIO BASE££M1,195 ENT: 1.2 EXTREME,3 DR,SILVER,PAS,ALLOYS,C/L,E/W,89K,MOT 06 KA 1.3i PURPLE,PAS, RADIO/CD, MOT SEPT 2014,108K £ 995 04 MG ZS 1.6 STYLE, 4 DOOR,MET.GREEN,ALLOYS,PAS,C/L,CD,S/H,71K,NEW MOT £ £995 53FORD VW CADDY 1.9 SDi VAN, BLUE,PAS, 50 MPG, 140K,NEW MOT ISSUED 1,150 05 NISSAN MICRA 1.5 DCi SE, 5 DOOR, PAS,R/C/L,E/W, 162K, S/H,MOT OCT 17 £ 795 1.6i 4 DR,BLUE,ALLOYS,PAS,C/L,87K,MOT £ 995 51 RENAULT MEGANE 1.6i CLASSIC, 4 DR,BLUE,ALLOYS,PAS,C/L,87K,MOT 03RENAULT SKODA MEGANE OCTAVIA TDiCLASSIC, AMBIENTE, BLUE,PAS,ALLOYS,C/L,E/W, 116K,MOT £ £995 1,495 01 Y FORD FOCUS 1.8 ZETEC, MET.RED, PAS,ALLOYS,R/C/L,115K,MOT/TAX £995 01 Y FORD FOCUS 1.8 ZETEC, MET.RED, PAS,ALLOYS,R/C/L,115K,MOT/TAX £ 995 05 RENAULT CLIO 1.2 EXTREME,3 DR,SILVER,PAS,ALLOYS,C/L,E/W,89K,MOT £ 1,195 02WMG ZS 1.8i S, 5TYPE DOOR, MOT JAN 295 00 JAGUAR 3.0MET. V6 BLUE,PAS,ALLOYS,R/C/L,119K, AUTO,SILVER,PAS,ALLOYS,97K,MOT OCT2017 2014£ £995 99 FORD FOCUS ZETEC, 5 DR,BLACK,ALLOYS,PAS,C/L,109K,NEW MOT £ 795 4 DOOR,MET.BLUE,PAS,ALLOYS,C/L,183K,MOT £ SOLD 54TVW BORA 1.91.8 TDi SE (100), 1.4 MERIDIAN, MET.BLUE, PAS,C/L,NO MOT ,FOR SPARES 95 9801SY PEUGEOT SAAB 93 306 CONVERTIBLE AUTO,BLUE,ALLOYS,PAS,LTHR,115K.MOT JULY£ £495 03 45 1.4 IMPRESSION, JANJULY 14FEB £17695 52ROVER FOCUS 1.6 FLIGHT,MET.BLUE,PAS,C/L,E/W,86K,MOT £ £695 795 99 VFORD VOLVO C70 2.5 GS T, 5DR,BLUE,ALLOYS,PAS,C/L,88K,MOT BLACK,PAS,ALLOYS,C/L,E/W,124K,MOT 14 99 VROVER VOLVO C70 2.5 GS T, BLACK,PAS,ALLOYS,C/L,E/W,124K,MOT FEB 14 £ 695 03 45 1.4 IMPRESSION, 5 DR,BLUE,ALLOYS,PAS,C/L,88K,MOT JANBASEMENT: 14 £695 BARGAIN 95 N VOLVO TOYOTA GT,ESTATE, RED,ALLOYS,PAS, C/L,E/W, MOT £250 95 M 850CELICA 2.0 GLT2.0 AUTO BLUE,PAS,C/L,E/W,MOT FEB14MAY 2014 £ 295 BARGAIN

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We have all been there, (well those of us with kids) the football is on TV and we don’t get to watch hardly We have all been there, (well those of us with kids) the football is on TV and we don’t get to watch hardly any of it as we are too busy entertaining the little monsters. I asked Claire from Munchkinos any of it as we are too busy entertaining the little monsters. I asked Claire from Munchkinos Childminding to try and come up with a solution.

Childminding to try and come up with a solution.

Happy New Year to you all !!!! How quickly did The go celebration of International Fairy Day during that ? I'm guessing that by now all of the new June gavehave me inspiration for aplayed new activity . This even painted the stones to make them look prehistoric toys been opened, with and putis one that can start andbe end up indoors in time for the (for the dinosaur garden). Take all of your materials away andoutside you might looking for some match. Bonus points should be awarded for fresh air inside along with an empty box and allow your child inspiration. and creativity and guilt free football watching should to be creative whilst you watch the football. They can ensue.

As we haven't had any snow yet and the children are dissapointed I have a fantastic ,fun and Indoor Gardens smiling eyes somewhat messy idea to keep them entertained during the Swans match and happy in the 'snow' The children at Munchkinos really enjoyed making fairy gardens and LIKE asked if they could take www.facebook.com/munchkinos *HOWEVER IF outside YOU DON'T MESS, LOOK AWAY them!home to show their parents. So we NOW came up with the idea of recreating the gardens in empty shoe boxes. It's a very You will need Shaving foam can keep your little munchkins Aactivity floor covering Agoing towelfor ages. It doesn't have to be a fairy garden. We have made monster Flour Ahomes, sieve alien planets, prehistoric lands , farms, parks and a jungle the possibilities are endless. (See photos; scale I used a builders mixing tray for this activity but you could use a obviously not important Smiling face plastic sheet ( as long as it protects the floor ). (black and white)) Method What you need Shake the can of shaving foam ( sensitive skin one is the best) and An empty container (shoe box or similar) spray it all over the tray as pretend snow. Get the children to mix it around, skid in it , stir it or even build a snowman. Even older Any small toys/props your child decides children enjoy it as it feels so soft. I added flour to a sieve and tapped An imagination it over the children's heads to pretend it was snowing.

This kept three children entertained for an hour. I wiped them down How to create your garden with towels afterwards and put them straight into the shower. * you could add ice cubes, plastic animals such as polar bears, Spend some time with your child penguins it even go down the Frozen route with Elsa and Anna. It exploring the garden, park or any green becomes quite addictive space. Take some time to collect bits they think would help to create a Hope it brings the snow !!

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88 Huw Jenkins Kidnapped The REAL Huw Jenkins has finally shown his face after being held hostage by Mr Mon E-Bags for over a year.

The police managed to release the Swansea chairman after the clues kept piling up.

Sergent Bash told Jack swan magazine ‘It just didn’t make sense, a man of that much experience sacking Monk with nobody lined up and then releasing a statement saying that he wont be replacing him and then eventually replacing him with a sick man. Then giving him a 2 year contract before sacking him after 7 games and replacing him with Brad Bobbley on a 3 year deal the very same day? I was telling the governor that something wasn’t right and he let me look into it’.

Courageous Sgt Bash followed the only man in Swansea to ever have an OBE to his house where he was seen drowning in money. ‘it was everywhere, you couldn’t escape from it and it was clear that Huw had been abducted by it and all the decisions that he’d made over this farcical time wasn’t really Huw’s but was Mr Mon E-Bags’ Shortly after being saved, Jenkins relieved Brad Bobbley of his services and replaced him with the kind of manager that you expect to see at Swansea City Football club; A fairly young and inexperienced ‘manager’ with a ‘blemish on his CV but with a footballing philosophy at his heart and a contact book which must make Laudrups look out of date. ‘you can see that the real man is back’ said Mr Bash ‘Mr Mon E-Bags has done this to many in the past and will do so again in the future, I see it all the time in this job. I just hope that the fans can put the past behind them and move on. I’m confident that Huw Jenkins can be the man he was once again’.

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