Jack Swan - Issue #89

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THANK YOU!!

Covid put a very abrupt pause to Jack Swan magazine.

Truth be told, as time has gone by, it has been difficult to imagine being able to get this back out to you. However, we have. And I would like to say a massive thank you to every advertiser who has helped to make this happen.

All our advertisers have been in a similar boat. Local, independent businesses who have spent the last two years completely unsure of what is around the corner.

We don’t do serious very often in this magazine, but it has been genuinely touching to see these businesses support this magazine and without that support; it would not have continued.

Please re-pay the faith that they have given Jack Swan magazine by supporting our advertisers wherever possible.

I hope that you are glad to see the magazine back.

It has been great fun putting it back together.

GET IN TOUCH

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Martin owes club same loyalty he craves I like Russell Martin. I like our style of play and I trust the progression. To use a career metaphor, I feel like we are climbing a ladder that we want to. We may be near the bottom of it but it's one worth climbing.

I hated Steve Coopers ladder. It was dull and boring but more importantly than that, I don’t think it got very high.

We were near the top of where that ladder could take you.

Being solid in defence waiting for a defensive mistake from the opposition can be fruitful in the Championship; but you will be waiting weeks and months for that same gift in the Premiership.

We see this time and time again. Cardiff’s two stints in the Premier League are great examples. Prior to their time in the topflight they managed an average of over 1.5 goals per game. This dropped to 0.8 in the higher league. Clean sheets don’t come easy either, they averaged letting in 0.9 goals per game in the Championship and 1.9 in the Premier League.

There are some trialled and tested short-fixed ways to get out of this league, however the success is equally as short.

Anyone who thinks Swansea were going to achieve anything other than total embarrassment should we have gone up last year are deluded. Cooper would have done a fine job in getting us up but after that; there was no plan.

The sides which have gone up and stayed up have generally had a genuine long-term game plan and playing philosophy. Think Bournemouth until last year, Southampton, Burnley, Leicester, Brighton, Wolves and of course Swansea before that. The clubs which have

overachieved have done so without papering over cracks but creating a system which everyone understands.

So, Martin has a plan to install the Swansea Way and it will lead to success… probably… maybe….

However, he can fuck right off if he thinks that he can take the Brighton Job next winter!

Loyalty is rare in football these days. I must confess to having a newfound respect for Wayne Rooney; his dedication to Derby and refusal to consider the Everton job must chalk off a few negative opinions he'd amassed from bedding grannies.

What we are seeing there is a manager repaying the faith which the fans have put in him. Russell Martin wouldn’t have been able to take any other job in the top two flights and expected the fans to settle for a year of transition.

Our club reached the play-offs in the past two campaigns.

Missing out in the final last time out. No fan is expecting the same now. However, except for the odd grumble, the majority still give him full support. We are buying into that philosophy.

The long-term transition of the playing style is something the fans can abide but what cannot happen is the gaffa thinks that it’s OK to leave once results glow.

Loyalty goes two-ways. As fans, we will give Martin the season of transition he talks about but that needs to be repaid. He talks about how next season will be different,

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that we will see a new swans but for him to be worth a ‘transition’ season, he needs to be here for two or three more. He left MK dons after less than two.

It is a strange industry. Managers like Martin are of an age where their kids go to school. I’ve wondered for a while whether a real long-term commitment between club and manager would pay-off.

As things stand, managers are usually a few games away from the sack or a few away from attracting interest from a higher club who have just given someone else the sack.

Clubs then face the issues of recruiting someone else; new ideas, style, backroom staff etc… or in this case a ‘transition’ season.

Whilst the managers uproot their families, new house, kids in new schools, no friends, no favourite boozer, Waitrose doesn’t exist in these parts, it's an upheaval.

If the Swans said, ‘our next managerial job will be for 10 years. Guaranteed’ (unless gross misconduct). However, any club poaching him would have to pay £100 million or something to get them out of contract. Could that work?

Could you attract a better quality of manager? Have an ever changing contract which goes up with promotion and down with relegation.

Post-Fergie, United have struggled partly because every manager since has been temporary. Don’t get too attached, don’t care too much of what they think because the current gaffa won’t be here too long; it’s what most players at most clubs think.

When Fergie was there, he was your only chance of playing for that football club. You had no second chances, there

was nobody bigger or more important than him, what he said was paramount.

I’ve seen enough to say that I’d be happy to offer Russel Martin a ten-year contract now. A cast iron guarantee that he can be here, with his family for the next decade. If we go down then he won’t get sacked, if we go up then he won’t leave for Brighton or Liverpool or Barcelona. That’s a proper commitment.

He can rest assured that his family (if he has some - I don’t know) can be schooled in the same school, his wife (don’t know if he has one of them either) can work in the same job, enjoy the same coffee friends or whatever.

If things go wrong, then the gaffa learns from the mistakes in the same way that we all do, and he will get better from them and be allowed to make them.

Obviously, this will never happen, or we are certainly a long-way from it anyway. There is a tendency with football to follow trends. Whether that is 4-4-2 in the 90s or three at the back in the 2020s. The side that first adopts the change is usually the beneficiary.

At present, the trend is for managers to have a two year (at most) revolving cycle. If one of those years are going to be ‘transitional’ then I think we must look into other options.

Surely its either instant success with a constantly rolling managerial merry-go-round or a transitional season with a three or four year plan?

Essentially, Mr Martin, do not ask for patience and support in the hard times and then piss off for greener grasses when we start smelling success.

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our stupid owners make her look clever For the last time – Our owners are stupid. Very, very stupid. everything else which our Swansea-made business men had.

It has been two years since we had a Jack Swan magazine out. So, it has been over two years since I’ve written about I reckon the conversation went somewhere along the lines anything financial and our American owners; I’ve missed a of:good rant!

(Stick a bolshy American voice on) “with respect Mr Jenkins, Yet nothing has changed. Some fans keep saying that the we think we can turn this club into a global brand known ‘Yanks are bleeding the club dry’, our club continues to lag the world over.” behind and the Premier League years seem further and This, we know. This was their business plan. Essentially, further away. they believed that they could run the commercial side of the club so much better than it was currently being ran that Let’s look at the owners it was worth parting with £100 million to acquire.

There is a trend with big American Businessmen thinking that they know shit and crucially that other people don’t. It is the arrogance and stupidity which only exists with those born as little spoilt rich kids. Both Levien and Kaplan were born into wealth none of us understand. Think Donald Trump.

I remember talking to Leigh Dineen, in the early days who knew that it was never going to happen. Anyone could see that it was never going to happen. The people who buy Swansea shirts are Swansea City fans. The only way to get anyone else to buy them is to buy Messi or Ronaldo or Mbappe and stick them in the shirt. Everyone, except for The kind of wealth where you can fuck up and fuck up and these arrogant assholes knew that. fuck up again and it’s still OK because you get another Sell – Sell - Sell chance. There is no ‘working your way up’. Not just that but you get to wear an expensive suit and always feel superior to everyone because they all play along. You are always the As we know, neither Messi, Ronaldo nor Mbappe came.

What happened was that Swansea became the biggest boss. People are always pandering to you. selling club in the Premier League.

Then imagine the Swans takeover. I would love to have been a fly on the wall when Huw Jenkins and co sold the Swansea’s £86 million profit in the transfer market since the club to them. They must have come over here, American takeover is the most in the UK. These figures, unimpressed with the suits, briefcases, cars, wives and according to the website Transfermarkt, show that the club

have sold £217 million worth of assets since 2016 and believe that the rich, powerful, American businessmen reinvested just £131 million of that. have come here and completely messed up. Instead, they believe that they have conned us in such a clever way that This is completely against the grain of pretty much all other we are too stupid to understand. clubs.

The reality is that it was Huw Jenkins and co that smugly sat Whether they understood it or not, when they bought over back, laughing to themselves, knowing full well that, 60% of a club priced at £186 million, they were buying an although rich, these people are stupid. That they were established Premier League team - one which finished 12th never going to sell Swansea City shirts in Madrid airport or in the Premier League just a matter of weeks earlier. That Pay Per View matches to New York City. It was always going was why it had its value. The club didn’t own its stadium to fail. and its fixed assets were a training ground and an academy - two things with little sell-on value.

There is no evil plan for the owners, there is no way out, there is no direction. There is no understanding of what is According to Transfermarkt the club's current players value needed to run a business or a football club. These people a total of around £30 million. Levien and Kaplan inherited are stupid. They are stupid but with millions of pounds and players valued at £128 million. We still don’t own the fancy suits. stadium and have acquired no other assets. The clubs value now is a fraction of what was bought.

The way that they used the parachute payments summed up the complete stupidity of them. We would target promotion in year 4…. After the money had run out.

Evil Genius You can understand why thousands of fans believe that the Appointments owners have been lining their pockets. However, this is buying into their own belief, that they are somehow clever; Fortunately, they don’t make too many decisions, kind of. but they aren’t.

It’s a bit like Boris Johnson and the country. Trevor Birch and now Julian Winter seem to be doing a good job of what It is not possible for the owners to be syphoning money out they can. Managerial appointments have been good and of the club. It is something we hear said often around the there seems to be some sort of pre-thought logic within city, but it simply cannot be the case; not with the support- the transfer market. ers trust owning their share and access to accounts.

I’m still hopeful that a part of their remit is to find another There is a paradox which we all fall into. It is the same as the owner. Personally, (and I know others disagree) I would like class system from years gone by and the African colonial to see us get our previous ones back. The ones who knew powers. We tend to assume that those with money and the club, knew our limitations and are probably the only therefore power are cleverer than us. People struggle to ones locally with the capital to do it.

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Player Watch: Olivier Ntcham “Stealing a living” someone wrote on Planet swans recently about the French midfielder. For me, he’s one of our best players and injects a bit of impetus into a side which often meanders about too slowly.

The issue is that with 3 goals and 2 assists in 23 matches, he doesn’t score or create enough to be a nailed-on starter in our front three.

I prefer him further back in that midfield but then we lack the control which Downes and Grimes offer together. Take a look at the stats and see what you think:-

Best Position?

The stats from whoscored.com suggest that he’s better further forward but most of his games have been furher back. His strengths and weaknesses suggest a player better suited further upfield.

One of the games which Ntcham played Centre Midfield was against Reading.

The Swans dominated the ball in both games. As you can see, more of the touches of the two centre midfielders was further forward when the Frenchman plays.

Ntcham & Grimes touch map V reading

Downes & Grimes touch map v Bristol City

I forsee a time when Ntcham drops alongside Grimes and Downes into the back 3. I like that.

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I’ve missed doing these. Good luck. Text in your answers to 07880 369545 and we will print your name and how NO Answers atathe back anymore as requested the locals the the Masons in Wanuarlwydd. change: Answers are onbypage 98!inGet linkArms between all 4 asBlame well them!!!! you Just got onfor in next months magazine.

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HERES TEN SWANSEA QUESTIONS FOR YOU 1) In 2005, 13,000 people watched the swans batter Bristol City 7-1 at the Liberty but which 2 players are missing from that starting line-up:Swansea: Gueret, Ricketts (Anderson 73), Austin, Iriekpen, Tate, Martinez, Britton (Robinson 77), Missing player, Bean, Missing player (Connor 76), Trundle. Subs Not Used: Murphy, Goodfellow 2) Club legend Roger Freestone won his only Welsh cap against which country?

3) On the 7 September 1912, Swansea played their first ever competitive game. But who against? (Ps you think that’s a hard question but you’ll get it right) 4) In 1981-82, Swansea finished 6th in the top flight; their best ever finish. Who was the clubs top scorer that year with 20 goals?

5) Swans have reached the semi-final twice in the FA-Cup. Bolton Wanderers defeating us in 1926 before lifting the trophy but who beat us in the 1963-64 semi-final?

6) In 2017, the swans paid Hull a reported £16,500,000 for who?

7) These are the only Swans players to have done what:- Ivor Allchurch, Len Allchurch, Mel Charles, Cliff Jones, Terry Medwin, Michel Vorm, Jonathan de Guzmán, Wilfried Bony, Ki Sung-yueng, Łukasz Fabiański, Kristoffer Nordfeldt and Martin Olsson 8) Only 3 players have ever won Supporters player of the year twice. Leon Britton is of course one of them, can you name the other two?

9) Since 2015, only 2 players have finished our top goal scorer that are NOT an Ayew. Name them 10) In 1974-75 season, Swansea registered its worst ever average league attendance. Within 500, how low was it?

ANSWERS INSIDE BACK COVER

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1) A man pushes his car to a hotel and tells the owner he’s bankrupt. Why?

2) You are in a room that has three switches and a closed door. The switches control three light bulbs on the other side of the door. Once you open the door, you may never touch the switches again. How can you definitively tell which switch is connected to each of the light bulbs?

3) I left my campsite and hiked south for 3 miles. Then I turned east and hiked for 3 miles. I then turned north and hiked for 3 miles, at which time I came upon a bear inside my tent eating my food! What color was the bear?

4) A man is looking at a photograph of someone. His friend asks who it is. The man replies, “Brothers and sisters, I have none. But that man’s father is my father’s son.” Who was in the photograph?

5) A man stands on one side of a river, his dog on the other. The man calls his dog, who immediately crosses the river without getting wet and without using a bridge or a boat. How did the dog do it?

6) What makes this number unique: 85,417,632?

7) Arnold Schwarzenegger has a long one. Michael J. Fox has a short one. Madonna does not use hers. Bill Clinton always uses his. The Pope never uses his. What is it?

8) What five-letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?

9) Your parents have six sons including you and each son has one sister. How many people are in the family?

10) I am the beginning of sorrow and the end of sickness. You cannot express happiness without me yet I am in the midst of crosses. I am always in risk yet never in danger. You may find me in the sun, but I am never out of darkness.

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Yes said the guy. Many years ago I was in a car with my uncle when we had a crash. My uncle was killed instantly and I lost both my legs. Miraculously the surgeons managed to transplant my uncles legs onto me.

That's a really heartwarming story says Mathew, but who are you going to be tonight?

The guy says tonight Mathew I'm going to be Simon and half uncle.

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Apparently, Waddingtons now do a swinger's edition of Cluedo; Everyone did it, in all the rooms Jimmy received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a swear word; those that weren't cursing were very rude.

Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music-anything he could think of. Nothing worked.

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the PUB story

- send us yours!!

We love the pub and you cannot beat the pub story. A pint in hand, the excitement whilst its teller gets nearer to the excitement. The complete anti-climax when its shit or the shock when the odd one actually lives up to the hype. Get down your local, and share, tell, hear or eavesdrop on a pub story!

We have some pub stories here which bar staff have overheard or witnessed. If you have a pub story, whether it’s a story which happened in a pub or something funny which you share in a pub, send it into us and we’d love to share it here next month.

A couple got kicked out for having sex in a bar — while the husband was still inside

"Busy Saturday night, place is ram jam squishy full (600 people). I stood in the front door taking occupancy numbers, and over the door radio comes the shout 'shaggers, shaggers, we got shaggers.'

Doormen go running off to the gents and bring out a 40ish couple and escort them out of the front door. As we all walk back in a guy comes up to the head door man and says "why are you kicking my wife out?"

A man with an allergy to shellfish tossed his cookies all over his dinner date

"I saw a man trying to pick up a gorgeous woman. I could tell she was just rambling on about her dreams and hopes and whatnot (things he didn't seem to care about based on his facial expression).

All of a sudden I saw him go from tan/bronze to pale white as he proceeded to projectile vomit his entire night's worth of drinking, plus his shellfish dinner directly onto her face.

It turns out she was allergic to shellfish, had to be epi-penned and an ambulance took her away."

The waiter confused a cross-eyed customer for a drunk customer

"One day after work the managers told everyone that we needed to start cutting people off that looked like they were too drunk. The next night I overheard a waiter: Waiter: How is everyone?

First Customer: Can we get another round?

Waiter: I can get one for everyone else but you can't even look at me straight. I'm sorry but I have to cut you off.

Second Customer: DUDE, She's been cross eyed since birth!

Waiter: One round coming right up!"

A man dropped his underwear in a pile of urine, then put them back on

"Worked in a fairly respectable bar that was popular with the middle-aged crowd (we played 70's / 80's music). Every night we'd rotate the shitty jobs between the staff (cleaning sick up / floor mopping etc).

This one night I was on toilet duty (checked them every hour or so for empty glasses, general mess), some guy comes to the bar and says there is a 'mess' in one of the cubicles. I go in a see someone has jammed the toilet with toilet roll, proceeded to piss on the toilet and cover the floor with this also.

I go fetch the mop and bucket and when I return there is a pair of boxer shorts in the piss-puddle... Not only are they soaking wet they have a full on shit stain in them. There's no way I'm going near them but before I have time to even think about what I'm going to do the cubicle door next to me opens...

The guy has trousers round his ankles but no underwear on, proceeds to say 'So that's where they got to' (looking down at the boxer shorts) rings them out with his bare hands, takes off his trousers puts the shitty-pissy boxer shorts on and staggers out."

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WARNING; DO NOT READ WHILST EATING The bartender overheard a woman talking about a bad night with his roommate

"Doing the levels and dumping the cooler into the front fridges I hear two women at the bar casually talking. Of course, just being there, I quietly listen.

Female A: 'So he was pretty good in bed. We even had a joint afterwards and cuddled. It was awesome! I just feel so bad that I didn't tell him. I mean, he seemed OK with it and said he would call.'

Female B: 'Well that's kind of a bitch move don't you think? I mean I have told guys when I am on my period before well before anything got too far. I hope he calls, but you should just be happy he didn't kill you.'

Female A: 'Well it looked like he had murdered someone when we turned the lights on. It was everywhere. I didn't think I was having a heavy day at all. You should have seen the hand prints on the wall, one was on this poster he had up for a clockwork orange.........'

At this point I am doing my best not to die laughing or toss my cookies on my clean bar. Back to the cooler to get a couple more cases and upon my return, Female A is on the phone and Female B orders another round. When I put the drinks down, Female A pulls the phone from her ear.

Female A: 'Hey, is your name Bouncer Dave?'

Me: 'Well just Dave, but yes, what can I do for ya?'

Female A: 'I am on the phone with your roommate. Glen says hello and to get back to work slacker hahaha' Me: '.....................'

Think for a minute, take a quick look of horror and remember, Glen just bought a Clockwork Orange poster. He hung it just above the headboard of his bed.

With the worlds worst poker face I tried to muscle out a laugh when the look of terror crosses her face. Her eyes scream 'He knows...' and Female B bursts into laughter."

A barman got drunk on the job, was fired, and didn't remember any of it the next day when he came into work "It was pretty common that where I worked all of the bartmen and some of the barmaids would drink on the job. Not gonna lie, I definitely participated on the busier nights. It really helped the night go by faster and made us all more personable.

However one night a bartman took it over the edge. He had long hair, a glorious beard and would always be shitfaced tending the bar. We cleverly named him 'Drunk Jesus.' Management never really cared about us drinking until one night Drunk Jesus got blackout drunk. And by blackout drunk I mean puking ocean drunk (the bar was dockside) and blatantly asking girls if they wanted to 'get fucked by their savior' (he loved his nickname). The bar manager was FURIOUS, came down and fired the guy on the spot.

The next morning Drunk Jesus came in and started setting up the bar for a double he was scheduled for.

When I asked why he was here he told me "because I'm working a double today" ... completely oblivious to the fact he got fired the night before."

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PUB HISTORY - The Castle Hotel, Neath There are few better places in all of Wales to start than the Castle Hotel in Neath. Neath itself has a beautiful long history, (its heart breaking to see what Neath Port Talbot council are doing to it) and the Castle has often been at the heart of it.

The Castle Hotel was known as the Ship and Castle Inn. In 1745 it was the crème de la crème and Neath was thriving. It was the place to be for all gentry. If you had a ball gown, then it needed to be worn in the castle. It was also the go to place for any important meeting whether it be administrative or judicial.

The Ship and Castle was a coaching inn. These were a vital part of Europe's inland transport infrastructure until the development of the railway, providing a resting point for people and horses. The inn served the needs of travellers, for food, drink, and rest. The attached stables, staffed by hostlers, cared for the horses, including changing a tired team for a fresh one.

Coaching inns were used by private travellers in their coaches, the public riding stagecoaches between one town and another.

The ship and Castle offered post-chaises for hire which are the horse and carts you’d want to ride in. It usually had a closed body on four wheels, sat two to four persons, and was drawn by two or four horses. Crucially, the Castle Hotel was on the Milford Structurally, the two-story front is the remaining part of the Road which made it an important stop for anyone heading West 18th century building. Whilst the three-story adjoining part to the important port of Milford Haven. was added in the 1840s. The corner piece was the former It was this exact journey which Admiral Nelson made before the Vale of Neath pub which has since been knocked through.

Battle of Trafalgar. It is understood that the Admiral and the very

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interesting Lady Hamilton visited the hotel on numerous occasions.

These were the absolute A-list of celebrities at the time. Both married but not to each other, Nelson to Frances Herbert Woolward and Lady Hamilton to Sir William Hamilton. Sir William, as you may expect, was far older than Lady Hamilton (Emma) and the affair seemed one which everyone tolerated and the media loved.

What seems slightly odd is that by this time, Nelson's adventures had prematurely aged him; he had lost an arm and most of his teeth and was afflicted by coughing spells; Lady Hamilton, by all accounts was beautiful beyond belief.

Anyway, it is understood that whilst visiting the Castle Hotel, Admiral Nelson met Lewis Rotely. who was the son of the current innkeeper and he became a Lieutenant of the Royal Marines on HMS Victory.

During the battle of Trafalgar, he took command of the surviving Marines at the end of the battle whilst Nelson was asking Hardy to kiss him. He set aside some of the Admiral Nelson’s personal items which were later donated to the National Maritime Museum in Greenwich.

The Castle Hotels greatest claim to fame though came on 12th March 1881. Eleven rugby clubs met to form the Welsh Rugby Union. This was before Wales even had a capital. Neath and the Castle Hotel were every bit as important as anywhere else.

After a humiliating defeat in Wales’s first ever international rugby game, the Neath meeting was organised to form a union that could organise regular international matches.

The founding clubs of the WFU (Welsh Football Union), as it was originally known, were Swansea C & FC, Pontypool RFC, Newport RFC, Merthyr RFC, Llanelli RFC, Bangor RFC, Brecon RFC, Cardiff RFC, Lampeter RFC, Llandovery RFC and Llandeilo RFC. Strangely the oldest rugby club in Wales, Neath RFC are not recorded as being present, even though the meeting took place in the town.

It is unknown if this was an oversight by the committee to record the presence of the club, or if Neath RFC actually did not attend.

The fact that two of the main committee members of the WRU rival SWFU, John Llewellyn and Sam Clark were Neath men, and the creation of the WFU disbanded their union, is generally accepted as the reason for the absence of a Neath representative.

In 1975 Hollywood stars Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor stayed a night here. Burton grew up in Pontrhydyfen. No doubt, the Castle Hotel still has a lot of future stories yet to be told.

Does your local have a history worth telling?

Get in touch and let’s share its story.

info@southwalesmedia.com / 07880 369545

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THE VEGAN REVIEW FINDING RUSSELL THE BEST PLACES TO EAT IN AND AROUND SWANSEA.

You may or may not know but our Gaffa is a vegan. A joke by spense from a few years back was: “A young boy asks his dad “how do you know if someone is a Vegan Dad?” – he responds with;- “they will soon tell you son!”

On that basis, you probably know that he is but I like Russell Martin. I want to help him out and so we are going to review vegan (and vegetarian) food around Swansea. From specific plant-based restaurants to what options are available to Russ in our local pubs.

If you run a pub/café/restaurant and want your vegan food reviewed, then get in touch. If you don’t offer any options, then get with the times man!! info@southwalesmedia.com / 07880 369545 No animals will be killed in the making of this page of the magazine.

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3) White. The only place you can hike 3 miles south, then east for 3 miles, then north for 3 miles and end up back at your starting point is the North Pole. Polar bears are the only bears that live at the North Pole, and they are white.

4) His son 5) The river was frozen 6) It has each number listed in alphabetical order 7) Their surname.

8) Short 9) Nine—two parents, six sons, and one daughter 10) The letter ‘s’ Name the pub 1) Queens Hotel Swansea 2) The White Rose, Mumbles 3) The Black Boy, Killay 4) The Vivian Arms, Sketty 5) The Coopers Arms 6) The Greyhound, Neath 7) The ship. swansea 8) The Ferryman Name the Vagina Angelina Jolie Whose Cock is that?

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