Egg Shells

The Journey of Bereavement; How We Overcome

By Detola Amure

Benjamin Franklin once said: “In this world, nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.” Everyone on this earth will die at some point, whether we like it or not. Nobody likes to talk about death or dealing with loss, and no one wishes to experience bereavement. It is usually only when we are faced with the loss of a loved one that we begin to look for answers.

Dictionary.com defines bereavement as a period of mourning after a loss, especially after the death of a loved one or a state of intense grief; desolation; loss by force. Bereavement is also known as the period after a loss during which grief is experienced and mourning occurs.

No two bereavement journeys are the same. This is because every relationship is unique. The

relationship you had with your loved one who died or left is unique to you therefore You may have experienced your own fair your bereavement journey will be different share of loss, whether a divorce, death, health to someone else’s. So no one can say they issues or any other emotional loss that has led know how you feel when you experience loss. you on a bereavement journey. I would like to Nevertheless, no matter what journey you encourage you with some practical steps to not are on, you can experience healing from the just cope but overcome on your journey: emotional pain of loss. Self care: give yourself grace and take time Two days before Christmas in 2018, my 7-monthout to take care of yourself. You may feel like old twin baby boy, Caleb died at home. He your life is over, but it is important that you didn’t wake up from his nap after church. I was take care of your spiritual, mental and physical completely heartbroken and devastated. I was health before you can love others. Write or fully convinced that God had abandoned me. note a list of what brings you joy and do them. My twins both had a cold but because of some It could be taking a walk, reading, taking a underlying health condition, long bath, hanging out with a Caleb didn’t make it. friend, dancing or even sleeping. They say the death of a child "I knew God was It doesn’t have to be anything expensive or complicated. Keep is the worst thing that can ever happen to a parent. No parent there, even in the it simple. Also, allow others to take care of you during this time. ever expects to bury their own child. Losing a child is a tragedy and I felt the worst pain ever in my life. This was my first major loss, so it hit me really hard. Interestingly, I never for once believed that the devil took my baby. I laid every blame on God because even though I knew He didn’t cause Caleb to die, He permitted it to happen. What I couldn't understand was why He permitted it to happen to me. Why would He give me a set of twins and then take one away? Gratitude: Even though the Bible commands us to give thanks “in” all things, this is probably one of the last things you want to do when you are experiencing grief and going through bereavement. It is so easy to live in the past or worry about the future. When you find your mind straying, bring yourself back to the present, and think of what is going well with you at that very moment and give thanks. It would help your mind calm down. darkest valley crying with me, comforting me and carrying me." That was where my struggle laid the most. I thought God and I had a tight relationship that Protect your environment and no affliction could touch me. I forgot that God your mind: when you are going through and Jesus were each tighter, yet Jesus still had bereavement, there is a potential to be labelled to die on the cross for me. by others as moody or ungrateful. It is also possible that some avoid you because they feel On my bereavement journey, I have experienced uncomfortable with your tears. People around anger, disappointment, sadness, severe anxiety you may not understand your pain and expect and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I you to be over the pain a few months later. was in a very dark place and felt like I was going There is no time frame to grief so do not feel to drown in hopelessness. I couldn’t sleep and pressured to pretend you are feeling better my body shut down. However, through it all, when you are not. You might need to stay away even when I didn’t want to admit it, and I was from some friends and even family members still angry at God, I knew God was there, even who trigger you in a wrong way as you navigate in the darkest valley crying with me, . Even in this journey. Also, extend grace to others who my anxious state, he blessed me with the peace do not understand what you are going through that passes all understanding. and may sometimes give unhelpful advice or comments. This journey you are on is also new for them.

Spend intimate time with your

heavenly Father. This is probably the time you want to run away from God because you feel hurt and betrayed by Him, but on the contrary, this is when you need to run to Him because He created you and truly loves you. Abba is the only one that can truly understand and comfort you. He knows what it feels like to lose a loved one when Jesus died on the cross. I must confess, when Caleb died I couldn’t open my mouth to pray, instead, I wrote my prayers out to God and asked him lots of questions which He answered with time. Sometimes I would write just one word or a whole paragraph. God can hear your thoughts so don’t feel condemned if you don’t feel like saying anything out loud. Also, I suggest listening to empowering messages, surround your home/ environment with worship music. God is there with you even if you don’t feel His presence.

Look for others to bless when

you are ready. Purpose is sometimes born out of adversity. We are all on earth on assignment. The clue to your next assignment can be based on what you are going through now. Your message comes out of your mess and your testimony comes out of your tests. This journey you are on isn't just about you but the people God wants to bless through you. When Jesus died on the cross, it was about us and our redemption. Do not allow your pain to go to waste, use it to help others. The loss of my son opened me up to new relationships and the next level of my assignment on earth; as a Grief Recovery Specialist where along with being a productivity coach, I now help those who have experienced emotional loss heal from their heartbreak.

Seek help. There is a myth that says time heals all wounds. Time doesn’t heal wounds, it simply passes whilst the pain remains. It is the action you take that will determine how completely you recover and heal. Don’t do this journey alone. The Grief Recovery Method (GRM) teaches you the correct heart work to do so you don’t have to hopelessly wait forever in pain. I found GRM on my journey when I was seeking help, and it has helped me recover from the loss of my son. Yes, I still get sad that my son is no longer here with me. I miss seeing him grow up but my heart is no longer in pain, thanks to the Grief Recovery Method. I now teach others the action steps of the Grief Recovery program to help them heal from their broken heart as well.

I have grown through my bereavement journey and I am still growing. I am still on my journey, but I am an overcomer through Christ Jesus. You are an overcomer too!

Detola Amure is a Productivity and Transformational Coach. She is the founder of Super Working Mum, a global organisation dedicated to helping Christian mums who are overwhelmed maximise their time so they can manifest their dreams. She is an Author, International Speaker and a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist. She lives in Kent, UK with her husband and children. You can connect with her on www.detolaamure.com

EggShells

Have you ever thought about the sound of an eggshell crackling under your foot? Imagine being in a quiet room, suddenly you hear this crackling noise from beneath your foot. In the silence of the room an illuminating and thunderous sound roars from below her feet. Soft white shells crunching loudly as her foot descends upon the broken pieces. Like inner brokenness, hearts shattering into a thousand pieces. Careful to walk in silence, protecting that inner self. Giving birth to a world created in her mind a safe place, a dwelling shelter of protection. The lonely child cries out silently. Afraid to speak, silence obscure her like a shadowy blur. “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline

2 Timothy 1:7 NIV

Watchful not to show discomfort, for fear of a torturous denial. Rejection was a discipline,

By Theresa Skinner

love was conditional, and escape appeared inevitable. Who would hear the soundless cries of the child within? The weeps of abuse and the terror of discipline from the mouth of authority. Darkness draped over her like nightfall, the light that once shown so brightly had dimmed, leaving her hopeless and empty. Her only friend was the voices she formed in her mind. Night after night she would pray to the God of her understanding to deliver her from the torment that flooded her mind. The God she learn to love during Sunday school. As years passed by, she began to think God wasn’t listening to her plea. Nothing was changing things only got worse. After years of self-pity, self-sacrifice and drowning in a self-defeating life style. She began to seek the Lord.

Trials and Tribulations:

Jesus said “in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). Sometimes trials appear lengthy and linger. However, Peter states “ after we have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you” ( 1Peter 5:10 ESV). What Peter is saying, although we go through life’s trials, they are only temporary in the end we will understand. What may seems baffling and strange in the beginning will be made clear through the grace of God. Although when she was going through trials and it appeared to look like a normal thing, because of her lack of knowledge of the word and no explanation of why things so painful happen. She begun to view her trial through the fault of others, believing it was everyone else who failed her. Childhood trauma is real. She had survive a childhood of trauma from the very people who were there to protect her. Growing up in a family where love was nonexistent and pain and heartbreak resided. Accountability wasn’t held in high esteem, control by words of anger, the word love was used as a weapon of manipulation. That may sound strange, love was used as a skillful switch, and it was a form of limitation that was turned off and on. As she was seeking love from a broken family, she was met with empty words and meaningless actions. As she became an adult, that same love carried on, a fruitless love. Slowly withering away with every lie that she told herself. She wanted love so desperately, even if she had no idea what love was she was willing to be whatever people wanted her to be to fill the open wound in her soul. Everyday God was showing her love, His love and protection. Blinded by the natural sight of daily circumstances, she could not see the truth. When she opened the bible with an open mind and a desperation for the truth of the love of God, she found truth as it is written: "for God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life” John 3:16. Her challenge was to see herself as God sees her, knowing in her life there will be wilderness trials, low valleys and high mountains. But God assures us that he will never leave us nor forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:6).

Theresa Skinner is a leader and teacher She has CDCA in chemical dependency 17 years delivered from alcohol addiction She works with a population of addictive behavior She also mentors to women who feels abandoned. She also is a part of a recovery choir. Theresa is based in Ohio, USA

If you have any comments on any of the articles featured in this magazine please send them to:

magazine@empoweredwoman.org.uk

www.jacquelineaniinternational.org

Copyright © 2020 Women Empowering Women Magazine, All rights reserved