SILENT VOICE
COLOPHON
Copyright Š 2014 Jayeeta Kundu All rights reserved. Printed in United States of America. Hardbound cover // Chums Design and Print. DESIGNED BY // Jayeeta Kundu EDITED BY // Jayeeta Kundu PHOTOGRAPHY // Jayeeta Kundu // Pure and Honest // Amanda Rodriguez // Unseen PRIMARY TYPEFACES Body Copy // Avenir Next Condensed 7.5/12 pt / Regular & Demi Bold Title // Avenir Next Condensed 12/16pt / Regular & Demi Bold Pull Quotes // Avenir Next Condensed 24/30pt / Regular & Demi Bold // Helvetica 45/45, 24/30pt / Bold Running Header // Mrs. Eaves 7/10 / Roman Image Caption // Mrs. Eaves 7/7 / Roman & Bold Pagination // Mrs. Eaves 8/10 / Roman This book was created as part of a project for Academy of Art University. 79 New Montgomery Street, San Francisco. California. School of Graphic Design Type Compositions // Spring 2014 Instructor // Anthony Jagoda
CONTENTS #smalltalkers 00 Rise of the Extrovert Ideal 05 Gift of the Gab 06 When Collaboration Kills Creativity 07 Saying Yes, When you want to say No 08
The Happiness Bias 00 Fake it till you make it 15 The Middle Ground 16 Bibliography 00
01 15 27 49 63 75 87 93
00 Forward 01 Introverts’ Unite 02 The Value of Solitude 03 The Gap Explained 04 The Inner Flame
00 Retreat. Restore.Regroup 09 The Fertile Void 10 Energy In Energy Out 11 The Introverted Traveller 12 Turning the Extrovert Advantage Upside Down 13 Loneliness in a State of Mind 14 A Team of One
FORWARD
Now and again, it is necessary to seclude yourself among deep mountains and hidden valleys to restore your link to the source of life. Breathe in and let yourself soar to the ends of the universe; breathe out and bring the cosmos back inside. Breathe up all fecundity and vibrancy of the earth. Finally, blend the breath of heaven and the breath of earth with your own, becoming the Breath of Life itself. —Morihei Ueshiba.
Its easy to become exhausted, around a banter of
noisy egos. You don’t enjoy the superficial, rather
flourish in the meaningful. You would rather have silence, a good book and some dark chocolate. Fitting in, is difficult. You blend in but you don’t mix well. You sure can
play the extrovert but you prefer your introverted heart, because the former leaves you exhausted.
// Fitting in is difficult. You blend in but don’t mix well. Photography: Amanda Rodriguez
You navigate the center of a ocean of feelings.
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Introverts’ Unite | Silent Voice
even speak in public and do so fairly often. To
kind of coldhearted snob. Why was I reluctant
not, but a lot of people don’t understand intro-
course of my life when I wondered if I was some to go to parties and why did I want to leave them shortly after arriving? Why did I get annoyed if
a date with a friend turned into a group outing? Why was I so picky, picky, picky about who I’d
spend time with? Why did all gregarious people cause me to back away slowly? Why did I enjoy
being alone so much? Was I shy? Mean? Boring? Judgmental? Did I hate people? What was the
matter with me, and how could I ever change and be the kind of backslapping, fun-for-all type of person that everyone seems to prefer? Why?
Because that’s not my nature. I am an introvert. And there’s not a darn thing wrong with me.
I started learning about introversion a couple of years ago, and it’s completely changed my
meet me, you might think I’m extroverted. I’m version. When I identify myself as an introvert, some people try to argue with me. They say I
can’t be an introvert because I am capable of leaving the house, of being social, of making
conversation. They don’t get it. The difference between extroverts and introverts is not that
the former are good at socializing and the latter aren’t. Or that introverts dislike people and the extroverts never met a stranger. Or that intro-
verts don’t like to talk and extroverts love a nice, long chat. Or that introverts prefer books and
extroverts prefer sports. In a way, it’s all of those
things. And in a way, it’s none. One thing is sure, though: The more I understand introversion, the more comfortable I am with it, and with myself.
perception of myself—for the better. I don’t hate
So I thought I’d share. The goal of this book
shy, socially awkward, or anyway socially inept.
introvert and to help you find the same quiet
people. I’m not unfriendly or stuck-up. I’m not
I am capable of carrying on a conversation. I can
// The Introvert Where to start knowing them. Photography: Pure and Honest
01 I N T R O V E R T S’ U N I T E
I have to admit, that there were times over the
is to spread the good word about living as an comfort with yourself as I have.
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Introverts’ Unite | Silent Voice
01
I found that underneath all our American
That we’re “too intense” because we prefer deep,
when we have something to say, who like people
We are sometimes considered snobbish because
chatter is a subculture of people who speak only but don’t need a thousand friends, and who can enjoy parties sometimes, but in our own way.
All our lives, we introverts have bought into the myth that extroversion is better and is the only American way. In a nation that holds extroversion in the highest esteem, introverts get the
pressure every which way to behave differently. Conventional wisdom insists that America is a
nation of extroverts—of glad-handers and our random smilers, of party on and the more the
merrier. Introversion is considered odd, often distressing, even serial killer–ish.
Introverts are urged to get out there, work
the room, join the team. Parents worry about children who would rather play alone in their
rooms than join the gang in their playgrounds. Bookish teenagers are exhorted to break out of
their shells. Adults are chastised if they would
rather work alone than as team players. We have been told that too much solitude is unhealthy.
thoughtful conversation to cheerful chitchat.
we don’t think that two is necessarily better than one, and prefer one-on-one or small groups to large gatherings. The things extroverts think
are great fun—parties, group activities, chatting up strangers–aren’t fun for us, which marks
us as strange to many people. And sometimes well-meaning folks actually grab our arms and try to drag us into doing things we don’t think are always fun.
The hokey-pokey. Bed-and-breakfasts. Sing-
alongs. Sometimes we go to the theater and get stuck in that very special hell that is audience
participation. We often attend parties out of a sense of obligation rather than with pleasure.
Having been told all our lives that our way is not the right way, we’ve spent our lives trying to
“come out of our shell,” or else bit our tongues and indulged our introversion surreptitiously,
like it’s a dirty secret. But the fact is, introverts are legion, and dying for affirmation.
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Introverts’ Unite | Silent Voice // Living in the cloud Introversion is a simple way of functioning in the world.
That’s where this book comes in. Introverts, it’s time for us to stop pretending, it’s time to stop apologizing for who we are. Just because we are capable of presenting an extroverted face to the world doesn’t mean we are required to. Introversion is not wrong, extroversion is not right. We are who we are and that’s what makes the world interesting. In this book, I’ll lay out both the problems and the solutions, what we are and what we aren’t, what we could be and what we don’t have to be if we don’t want to. Introversion is not an illness, it’s not a pathology, it’s not a bad thing. It’s simply a way of functioning in the world and there’s not a thing wrong with it. It’s time we embrace our true nature and start to defend our silent voice.
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The Value of Solitude | Silent Voice
researched subjects in personality psychology,
most important aspect of inherent personality—
The researchers have made exciting discoveries
personality as by gender or race. And the single “The North and South of Temperament” as one
of the scientists put it— is where we fall on the introvert-extrovert spectrum. Our place on this
continuum influences our choice of friends and mates, and how we make conversation, resolve
differences, and show love. It affects the careers we choose, whether or not we succeed at them.
It governs how likely we are to exercise, commit
adultery, function well without sleep, learn from our mistakes, place big bets in the stock market, delay gratification, be a good leader and how often we ask “What if”?
It’s reflected very well in our brain pathways, neurotransmitters, and remote corners of our
nervous systems. Today traits of introversion and extroversion are two of the most exhaustively
arousing the curiosity of hundreds of scientists. aided by the latest technology, but they’re part of a long and storied tradition.
Poets and philosophers have been thinking
about introverts and extroverts since the dawn of time. Both personality types appear in the
// The Value of Solitude Solitude matters, and for some people, it’s the air they breathe.
02 T H E V A L U E OF S O L I T U D E
Our lives are structured as profoundly by our
Bible and in the writings of Greek and Roman
physicians, and some evolutionary psychologists say that the history of these types reaches back
even farther than that: the animal kingdom also boasts Introverts and Extroverts, from fruit flies to pumpkinseed fish to rhesus monkeys.
As with all other complementary pairings—
masculinity and femininity, East and the West, liberal and conservative— humanity would be
unrecognizable, and vastly diminished, without both these personality styles.
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The Value of Solitude | Silent Voice
“Solitude matters, and for some people, it’s the air they breathe.”
02
Yet today, we make room for a remarkably
taking stock of their true natures. You have only
that to be great is to be bold, to be happy is to
and acquaintances to find that the most unlikely
extroverts— which means that we’ve lost sight
It makes sense that so many introverts hide
narrow range of personality styles. We are told be sociable. We all see ourselves as a nation of of who we really are. Depending on what study you consult, one third to one half of Americans
are introverts— in other words, one out of every two or three people you know. Given that the
United States is among the most extroverted of nations, the number must be at least as high in
other parts of the world. If you’re not an introvert yourself, you are surely to be raising, managing, working with, married to, or coupled with one. If these statistics surprise you, that’s most
probably because so many people pretend to be extroverts. Closet introverts pass undetected
on playgrounds, in the high school locker rooms, and in the corridors of corporate America. Some fool even themselves, until some life event— a
layoff, an empty nest, an inheritance that frees
them to spend time as they like— jolts them into
to raise the subject of this book with your friends people consider themselves introverts.
even from themselves. We live in a value system
that is called the Extrovert Ideal, an omnipresent
belief that the ideal self is gregarious, alpha, and comfortable in the spotlight.
The archetypal extrovert prefers action to con-
templation, risk-taking to heed-taking, certainty to doubt. He favors quick decisions, even at the
risk of being wrong. She works well in teams and
socializes in groups. We like to think that we also value individuality, but all too often we admire
one type of individual— the kind who is very comfortable “putting himself out there.” Sure, we
allow technologically gifted loners who launch companies in garages to have any personality
they please, but they are the exceptions, not the rule, and our tolerance extends mainly to those
who get fabulously wealthy or hold the promise
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of doing so. Introversion— along with its cousins sensitivity, seriousness, and shyness— is now
a second-class personality trait, somewhere in
between a disappointment and the pathology. Introverts living under the Extrovert Ideal are
like the women in man’s world, only discounted because of a trait that goes to the core of who they really are.
personality style, but we have turned it into an oppressive standard to which most of us feel
we must conform. The Extrovert Ideal has been documented in many studies. Talkative people,
are rated as smarter, better-looking, a lot more interesting, and more desirable, also as friends. Velocity of speech counts as well as volume: we
rank fast talkers as more competent and likable
// Breathe in. Introverts living under extrovert ideal is a woman in man’s world.
Extroversion is an enormously appealing
than slow ones. The same dynamics apply in the groups, when research shows that the voluble
are considered smarter than the reticent— even
though there is no correlation between the gift of the gab and good ideas.
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The Value of Solitude | Silent Voice
02
We make a grave mistake, in adopting this extrovert ideal all so unthinkably
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The Value of Solitude | Silent Voice
Without Introverts,
The Theory of Gravity
our world would be devoid of:
The Theory of Relativity
W. B. Yeats’s The Second Coming Chopin’s Nocturnes Starry Night, Sunflowers and Irises Proust’s In Search of Lost Time
Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four Animal Farm The Cat in the Hat Charlie Brown Schindler’s List
// Devoid, the world without introverts. Photography: Pure & Honest
Peter Pan
// Letting go of extrovert ideal to know introvert advantage. Photography:Bekka Palmer
The Theory of Evolution
E.T. Close Encounters of the Third Kind Google Harry Potter
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The Value of Solitude | Silent Voice
Why are some people very talkitive while others
measure their words? Why do some people try to burrow themselves into work while others engage in organizing the birthday parties? Why are some people so comfortable wielding authority while others prefer neither to lead nor to be led?
Can introverts be leaders? Is our cultural social
bias for extroversion in a natural order of things, or is it mostly just socially determined?
From the evolutionary perspective, the traits of
Introversion must have survived as a personality trait for a reason—so what might that reason be?
If you are an introvert, should you devote all your energies to activities that come naturally to you or should you stretch yourself?
02
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The Value of Solitude | Silent Voice // As we know them. Photography: Stacie, Lang photographers
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The Gap Explained | Silent Voice
03 T H E G A P E X P L A I N E D
So, what exactly is introversion? That depends on who you are asking. Sigmund Freud, in an usual Debbie Downer way, considered introversion pathological and a form
of neurosis. He defined it as “the turning away of libido from possibilities of real satisfaction . . .” In other words, he believed people are only
Researchers are still trying to hammer out a
think they will never have sex. Luckily, this sex
introversion, at the same time teasing apart the
introverted because they can’t face reality and obsessed Freudian spin doesn’t drive conversa-
tions anymore, although shades of it live on in a stereotype of the bathrobe-clad introvert virgin living in his mother’s basement. Since Freud’s
time, the definition of introversion has morphed and changed and grown, and it continues to. It turns out that introversion is actually kind of a
definition that is inclusive of all the nuances of
differences between introversion and shyness, and sensory sensitivity, and other things that
come up when introverts describe introversion. And scientists would love to find a definition
that can help them with empirical research in psychology and cognition labs.
slippery concept to pin down. The more we look at it, the more it shape-shifts.
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The Gap Explained | Silent Voice
“We are tired of people trying to change us. If this is our essential nature, changing it is impossible.” C. G. Jung, a protégé of Freud broke away to
do his own thinking and put a less dreary spin
03
Hans Eysenck, a German-British psychologist,
brought sociability into the discussion. Eysenck
on introversion and extroversion—words he is
considered introversion opposite of extroversion,
the first to propose the model of psychic energy,
enthusiastic, and impulsive. By this model, the
credited with popularizing, by the way. Jung was suggesting that for introverts, energy flows in-
ward, while for extroverts, energy flows outward.
which he described as being outgoing, sociable, introverts sound like a pretty glum bunch to me; words that are the opposite of his definition of
Introverts tend to embrace this definition.
extroversion include unsociable, unenthusiastic,
It feels right to us, because we all know exactly
aloof and not interested.
when we have sent too much flowing outward.
of introversion, Eysenck may be held partially
coma for a couple of days after. A week of heavy
stereotype. Although, if we review those very
what it feels like to have our energy depleted
A weekend of heavy socializing can put us in a
If Freud, gave us the sad sack–virgin model
responsible for the antisocial and misanthrope
socializing and we need to live in a cave for at
extroverted traits, we could perhaps agree that
This energy-in/energy-out theory continues
proud of. Eysenck was also the first to suggest
least one week.
to drive general discussion, although defining
“psychic energy” is all but impossible and thus
impulsivity isn’t necessarily something to be that introversion and extroversion might be physiological; that the brains of extroverts crave
measuring it in the lab is even harder. Still, it is
more arousal than the brains of introverts. Not
practically on a cellular level.
are, in fact, less sociable than extroverts.
one of those things most of us understand at
that Eysenck is all wrong about introversion. We
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The Gap Explained | Silent Voice
Longitudinal studies like these are very time-
to the new stimuli. About twenty percent cried
when they pay off, as Kagan’s did, they really
called this group “high-reactive.” About forty
consuming, expensive, and therefore rare— but
introversion might actually be hard wired in,
pay off big.
rather than as a lack. And we like the idea that because we are tired of people trying to change
us—or of feeling like we should change ourselves. If this is our essential nature, then changing it
is practically impossible.
about five hundred four-month-old infants in
his Laboratory for Child Development at Harvard,
predicting they’d be able to tell, on the strength
developed what is called the Big Five factors of
of a forty-five-minute evaluation, which babies
to remain relatively stable over a lifetime and are
verts. If you’ve seen a four-month-old baby lately,
One such scientist is an eighty-two-year-old man
had been studying temperament for a long time,
personality, which are personality traits found
generally viewed as existing on the continuum.
named Jerome Kagan, one of the greatest devel-
opmental psychologists of the twentieth century. Kagan devoted his career to studying emotional
and cognitive development of the children. In a
series of groundbreaking longitudinal studies,
he followed children from infancy through their
adolescence, documenting their physiologies and personalities along the way.
were more likely to turn into introverts or extrothis may seem an audacious claim. But Kagan
and he had a theory.
Kagan and his team exposed the four-month-
olds to a carefully chosen set of new experiences.
percent stayed quiet and placid, moving their
arms or legs occasionally, but without all the
dramatic limb-pumping. This group was called
“low-reactive.” The remaining forty percent fell between these two extremes. In a startlingly
counterintuitive hypothesis, Kagan predicted that it was the infants in the high-reactive
group—were the most likely to grow into quiet and cautious teenagers.
// A blurry existence, the more we look at it, the more it shape-shifts. Photography: Amanda Rodriguez
Starting in 1960s, other personality theorists
For one of those studies, launched in 1989
and still ongoing, Kagan and his team gathered
lustily and pumped their arms and legs. Kagan
// The Gap as explained by science and research Photography: Pure and Honest
We’re okay with that definition. We just want
to see that it is acknowledged in its own right,
Infants heard tape-recorded voices and balloons
popping, saw colorful mobiles dance before
their eyes, and inhaled the scent of alcohol on
cotton swabs. They had wildly varying reactions
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The Gap Explained | Silent Voice
03
When these infants were two, four, seven and
introvert and extrovert, apply with an uncanny
to Kagan’s lab for follow-up testing to test their
reactive adolescents. Psychologists now often
eleven years old, many of them again returned reactions to new people and the events. Kagan’s team observed how the children reacted to the
strange situations, noting their body language and recording how often, spontaneously they
laughed, talked, and smiled. Did they prefer one or two close friends to a merry band? Did they
like visiting new places? Were they risk-takers or were they more cautious? Did they consider
themselves shy or bold? Many of these children
turned out exactly as Kagan had expected to be. The high-reactive infants, who had hollered at
the mobiles bobbing, were more likely to have developed serious and careful personalities.
The low-reactive infants—the quiet ones were
more likely to have become relaxed, confident types. High and low reactivity tended to corre-
spond, in other words to the traits of introversion and extroversion. As Kagan mused in his book, Galen’s Prophecy, Carl Jung’s descriptions of
accuracy to a proportion of our high and the low discuss these differences between our inherent temperament and personality. Some say that temperament is the foundation, and personality is the building. But how did Kagan know that the arm-thrashing infants would likely turn into cautious, reflective teens or that the quiet babies were more likely to become forthright? The answer lies in their very physiologies.
In addition to observing children’s behaviors in strange situations, Kagan’s team also measured their heart rates, blood pressure, their finger temperature, and other properties of the nervous system. Kagan chose these measures because they are believed to be controlled by the potent organ inside the brain called the amygdala. The amygdala is located deep inside the limbic system, an ancient brain network found even in primitive animals like mice and rats.
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The Gap Explained | Silent Voice
underlies many of the basic instincts we share with these animals, such as appetite, sex drive, and fear. The amygdala serves as the brain’s
emotional switchboard, receiving information from the senses and signaling the rest of the
brain and nervous system how to respond. One of its role is to instantly detect new, threatening things in the environment and send rapid-fire
signals through the body that trigger the fightor-flight response.
When the Frisbee looks like it’s headed straight
for your nose, it’s your amygdala that tells you to duck. When the rattlesnake prepares to bite, it is the amygdala that makes sure you run.
Temperament refers to inborn, biological behavioral and the emotional patterns, that can be observable in infancy and early childhood. While personality is a complex brew that emerges after cultural influences and personal experiences are also thrown into the mix.
// Holding on to each other seems important for our survival. Photography: Amanda Rodriguez
This network also called the emotional brain—
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The Gap Explained | Silent Voice
03
Kagan hypothesized that infants born with an
But what we are really observing is a child’s
howl when shown unfamiliar objects— and grow
people. High and low reactivity is probably not
especially excitable amygdala would wiggle and up to be children who were more likely to feel vigilant when meeting new people.
And this is just what he found. In other words, the four-month-olds who thrashed their arms
did so not because they were extroverts in the making, but because their little bodies reacted strongly to new sights, sounds, and smells.
The quiet infants were silent not because they
were future introverts— just the opposite— but because they had nervous systems that were
unmoved by novelty. The more reactive a child’s amygdala, the higher his heart rate is likely to
be, the more widely dilated his eyes, the tighter his vocal cords, the more cortisol which is the
stress hormone, in his saliva— the more jangled
he is likely to feel when he confronts something new and highly stimulating.
sensitivity to novelty in general, not just to the the only biological routes to introversion and
extroversion. There are plenty of introverts
who do not have the sensitivities of the classic
high-reactive, and a small percentage of these
high-reactives grow up to be extroverts. Still,
Kagan’s decades-long series of discoveries mark a dramatic breakthrough in our understanding
of these personality styles— including the value of the judgments we make in our lives.
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The Gap Explained | Silent Voice // The path we take is a complex brew of our personality, experiences and free will.
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But it couldn’t be that simple, could it? Can we really reduce all the introverted and extroverted personalities to the nervous system its owner was born with? I would guess, that I inherited a high-reactive nervous system, but my mother insists I was the easy baby. I am often prone to wild flights of self-doubt, but I also have a deep well of courage in my convictions. I am horribly uncomfortable on my first day in a foreign city, but I love to travel. I was shy as a child, but have outgrown the worst of it. People also change profoundly over time, don’t they? What about free will, do we have no control over who we are, and who we wish to become? In addition to our inborn temperaments, beyond the luck we draw of our childhood experiences, we would want to believe that as adults, we can shape ourselves and make what we will of our own lives.
The Inner Flame | Silent Voice
My inner flame is kindled by profound beauty, natural or man-made. Sharp tree branches like veins against the foggy sky, blackbirds on a winter lawn, a church steeple in the sunset.
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The Inner Flame | Silent Voice
04 T H E I N N E R F L A M E
My husband recently pointed out, as we stood
I can’t write with music playing. To be honest,
Ocean crashing against the rocks, that places of
But my internal flame flickers with the slightest
on an overlook in Oregon, viewing the Pacific
great natural beauty put a huge, goofy grin on my face. I am alight with pleasure.
I can’t write with anything going on around me. breeze from the outside. It burns hot when it is protected, but it is sensitive to disturbances.
But like oxygen can feed a flame, a strong
So, we introverts learn to tend our inner flame,
museum. I can only spend a couple of minutes in
burn brightest; fueling it with substantial, deep
wind may extinguish it. I can’t bear a crowded
stores like Abercrombie & Fitch before the loud music and visual stimulation freak me out and drive me away. Movies with lots of explosions
and wham-bam action are not only dull to me. Where is the depth? Where are the feelings? But they can be painfully overwhelming.
My inner flame is kindled by profound beauty, natural or man-made. Sharp tree branches like veins against the foggy sky, blackbirds on a winter lawn, a church steeple in the sunset.
closing the door to our office when we need it to conversation and meaningful movies, books,
and artwork; avoiding as much as possible situ-
ations that might overwhelm it. Given a chance, our flame ignites our conversations and kindles
our creative output. It is the heat of our passion, which can be hot indeed if given the space and proper fuel. When properly tended, our inner
flame lights up not only our lives but the lives of people around us, if they take the time to see it.
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STAYING IN
It’s exhausting to feel all of the time, so I am hanging out in low gear. It is a space above an imaginary watermark. It’s not an easy place to be. I tread the water in my soul. I hide under a lily pad, peeking out occasionally but mostly staying tucked in. The water is tepid and the weight of the lily pad is comforting. // The Inner flame is kindled by profound beauty. // Hiding in is easy place to be and comforting sometimes.
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The Extrovert Ideal | Silent Voice // The Daily noise, as a gregarious culture,we keep nothing quiet.
Photography:Christopher Martin
05 R I S E OF T H E E X T R O V E R T I D E A L
“I am a horse for a single harness, not cut out for tandem or teamwork; for well I know that in order to attain any definite goal, it is imperative that one person do the thinking and commanding.” —Albert Einstein
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The Extrovert Ideal | Silent Voice
m l 05
Here comes our
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The Extrovert Ideal | Silent Voice
America is a noisy culture. We bellow at each
lady, but why did the wailing have to be so public
movie stars and reality-show stars, billboards,
have some kind of private relationship with her
other every which way—politicians and pundits, as well as televisions, and cell phones and text messages all clamor for our attention.
and overwrought? Did everybody in the world that I had missed out? When did simple sadness become an inadequate expression of such grief?
Headlines scream equally about the car bombs
Facebook, too, has brought grief out in public,
ever louder and increasingly expensive and too
Michael Jackson’s death, or to private losses,
talk about needing “noisy” shows to cut through
pages inviting all friends to share our sorrow.
and celebrity divorces; blockbuster movies get
whether in response to celebrity news, such as
disengaged from reality. In TV-land, executives
which we announce with tear-stained Facebook
the clutter of hundreds of channels, hundreds
We keep nothing quiet, and the louder we get,
of shows. The Blam! Slam! Explosions! Gunfire! Zombies! When animals attack, Quiet shows
about quiet emotions often die with a whisper within weeks of their launching. We have even cranked up the volume on grief.
the more it becomes difficult to listen and focus
in clamoring to be heard over the ambient racket we have created. Quiet success, in painting a picture, writing a poem, writing an algorithm—is all well and good, but if you haven’t become
I was both startled and disturbed by the orgy
famous doing that, then did it really matter? If
Diana’s death. She seemed like a perfectly nice
on CNN, did it really happen?
of public garment rending we saw after Princess
// Happy noise of Extroversion Here comes the mighty likable fellow, sociable and active.
mighty likable fellow
a tree falls in the forest and it isn’t mentioned
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The Extrovert Ideal | Silent Voice
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America’s volume is cranked up to eleven. extroverted than ever. It’s full of squeakin itics are loud and bellicose, and the mo attention, in that way that you can’t ignore eggheads, poets, and philosophers don the racket. Introverts are being drowned extrovert to introvert, introverts retreat. W simply mentally withdraw, letting the wor sit quietly inside our heads. At a big busy the hubbub, happy when anyone pauses ing the conga line. Yet, it’s not so simpl are cogs in the machine, whose contri played. When a movie is a hit, we credit of success for a book these days is to be sound, it’s validated. What do you suppo musicians to famous young women who Extroverts love the spotlight and they know is no such thing as extroverted writers or writers I know does a lot of ghostwritin else’s brain and letting that person live
The Extrovert Ideal | Silent Voice
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. And so, in a way, the nation seems more ng wheels, demanding our attention. Polost vocal and rude pundits get the most e a shrieking car alarm. Our quiet thinkers, n’t have a chance of being heard above d out altogether. On a one-on-one level, When confronted by a chatterbox, we will rds stream over and around us while we y party, we will seek out a place to sit out for a visit, but not jumping up and joinle when it comes to the macro view. We ibutions are often overlooked or downt the stars, not the writers. The pinnacle e made into a movie; once a story makes ose the ratio is of world-famous classical can dance and look good half-dressed? w how to get it. Which is not to say that there introverted actors. One of the extroverted ng, that requires crawling into someone in hers. This sounds unbearable to me.
The Extrovert Ideal | Silent Voice
05
It can be really frustrating, when we have things to say but don’t want to yell.
The Extrovert Ideal | Silent Voice
for anyone else. Introverted movie stars like
Julia Roberts tend to get famous when they’re in extrovert mode—acting, chatting it up on
talk shows, making the red-carpet appearances.
Then, as soon as they can do so without risking
their careers, movie star introverts retreat into a
and nearly inaudible speaking voice are key to
the character. When Corleone speaks, you have to be quiet to hear him. What can we learn from
Don Corleone? That, quiet does have their own
power, if we can harness it. Introverts are finding their voices and though each one is quiet, put
them all together and you have a much louder
well-protected life, keeping a tight control on
quiet. Rather than trying to outyell America, we
good example of this. When he’s not on-screen,
our truths to everyone.
In some ways, all this is fine. We introverts
what we need and who we really are as often as
who sees them when and how. Johnny Depp is a he lives mostly out of the public eye.
don’t like all eyes on us anyway. But it can also
need to keep firmly and consistently speaking
We start with the people closest to us, saying
necessary until it sinks in. We stop apologizing
be frustrating, when we do have something to
or slinking away when we want to leave the party.
through the racket? I remember once reading
shame us for our nature. Sometimes you don’t
creating his character in The Godfather. Brando
say it consistently. One introvert at a time, we
say but don’t want to yell. How do we even break an interview with Marlon Brando, who described
said he had noticed that all the powerful people spoke quietly, and Don Corleone’s quiet calm
// Loud noise, louder silence. Slowly and steadily, introverts are finding their voices.
There is really not enough room in my brain
We push back, gently, when anyone attempts to
have to say something outloud to be heard if you
will eventually make America hear us.
36
The Extrovert Ideal | Silent Voice
05
In the Culture of Character, the ideal self was serious, disciplined, and honorable. While, the new Culture of Personality, required people to be a performer.
37
The Extrovert Ideal | Silent Voice
lense through which we can view this American
transformation from the Character to Personality is the self-help tradition in which Dale Carnegie played a prominent role. Self-help books have always loomed large in the American psyche.
Many of these earliest conduct guides were also religious parables, like The Pilgrim’s Progress,
A popular 1899 manual called The Character:
weekly to practice public speaking and whose
shop girl who gave away her meager earnings
all selling involves talking,” is still thriving, with
The Grandest Thing in the World featured a timid to a freezing beggar, then rushed home before anyone could see what she’d done. Her virtue,
the reader understood, derived not only from her generosity, but also from her wish to remain anonymous and unnoticed.
published in 1678 , which warned the readers to
Today, a full century after Dale Carnegie had
it into heaven. All these advice manuals, in the
the YMCA , and after his best-selling book How
preached the value of the noble character. They
staple of airport bookshelves and topped the
Abraham Lincoln, revered not only as the gifted
still offers updated versions of those Carnegie’s
was not by far, as Ralph Waldo Emerson put it,
fluidly remains a core feature of their curriculum.
the regular people who lived highly moral lives.
was established in 1924 whose members meet
behave with restraint if they wanted to make
launched that first public-speaking workshop at
nineteenth century were less religious but still
to Win Friends and Influence People became the
featured case studies of historical heroes like
business bestseller lists. Dale Carnegie Institute
communicator but also as a modest man who
original classes, and the ability to communicate
offended by superiority. They also celebrated
Toastmasters, the nonprofit organization that
founder declared that “all talking is selling and more than 12,500 chapters in 113 countries.
These new personality guides, now celebrated the qualities that were, no matter how easy Dale
Carnegie made it sound—were trickier to acquire. Either you posessed these qualities or you didn’t
// Her virtue was derived not only from her generosity, but also from her wish to remain anonymous.
Historically, perhaps one of the most powerful
38
The Extrovert Ideal | Silent Voice
05
Dale Carnegie’s metamorphosis, from the
eighteenth century, and the idea of “having a
also the story of our rise of the Extrovert Ideal.
twentieth. But when they embraced the Culture
farmboy to salesman, to public-speaking icon, is
Carnegie’s journey reflected a cultural evolution
good personality” was not widespread until the
urbanization, and mass immigration sent the
population into the cities. In 1790 , only three percent of Americans lived in cities; in 1840,
of Personality, America started to focus on how
only eight percent did; by 1920, more than one
by people who were bold and entertaining. “The
all live in cities,” wrote the news editor Horace
job interviews and largely what we look for in an
of Personality was that of a performer,” Susman
to do the same.”
our children. America had shifted from what the
a performing self.”
that reached a tipping point around the turn of
the twentieth century, changing forever who we
are and whom we admire, how we freely act at employee, how we court our mates and raise
influential cultural historian Warren Susman
called a ‘Culture of Character’ to the ‘Culture of Personality’ and opened up a Pandora’s Box
of personal anxieties and stress, from which we could never quite recover.
others perceived them. They became captivated social role demanded of all in the new Culture
famously wrote. “Every American was to become
The rise of industrial America was also a major force behind this cultural evolution. The nation
quickly developed from an agricultural society of little houses on the prairie to an urbanized,
the business of America is business powerhouse.
In the Culture of Character, the ideal self was
In the country’s earliest days, most Americans
ed was not so much the impression one made in
small towns, interacting with people they had
personality didn’t even exist in English until the
century arrived, a perfect storm of big business,
serious, disciplined, and honorable. What countpublic as how one behaved in private. The word
third of the country were urbanites. “We cannot
Greeley in 1867, “yet nearly all seem determined Americans found themselves, working no
longer with their neighbors but with strangers.
Citizens morphed into employees, facing the
question of how to make a good impression on
people to whom they had no civic or family ties.
“The reasons why one man gained a promotion
or one woman suffered a social snub,” writes the historian Roland Marchand, “had become less
lived like Dale Carnegie’s family, on farms or in
explicable on the grounds of our long-standing
known since childhood. But when the twentieth
increasing anonymous business and social.
favoritism or old family feuds. In this rapidly
39
The Extrovert Ideal | Silent Voice // Culture of Personality turned us from a society of little huts on a prairie to an urban powerhouse
In the Culture of Character, the ideal self was serious, disciplined, and honorable. What counted was not so much the impression one made in public, but how they behaved in private. The word personality did not exist in English until the eighteenth century, and the idea of having a good personality was not so widespread until the twentieth. When people embraced this new Culture of Personality, all Americans started to focus on how the others perceived them. They became captivated, by people who were bold and entertaining. The rise of industrial America was the major force behind this cultural evolution. The nation quickly developed from an agricultural society of little houses on a prairie to an urbanized, anonymous business and social powerhouse.
40
YTILIBISNOPSER YTUD SCIHTE KROW DRAH RONOH NOITATUPER SLAROM SRENNAM TIRGETNI
MAGNETIC FASCINATING STUNNING GREGARIOUS
ATTRACTIVE CHARMING OUTSPOKEN FORCEFUL ENERGETIC
The Extrovert Ideal | Silent Voice
In a shift of perception
43
The Extrovert Ideal | Silent Voice
we transformed, without realizing that we had sacrificed something meaningful along the way.
44
Gift of the Gab | Silent Voice
GIFT OF THE GAB
“Society is itself an education in the extrovert values, rarely has there been one society that has preached them all so hard. Man is not any island, but John Donne would writhe to hear how so often, and for what reasons, the thought is so tiresomely repeated.” —William Whyte
45
Gift of the Gab | Silent Voice
06 M Y T H O F T H E C H A R I S M A T I C L E A D E R
“Innovation— the heart of the knowledge
and individually productive may create group
prominent journalist Malcolm Gladwell.
and nonproductive. According to “dominance
economy, is fundamentally social,” writes the When it is time to pick a group leader, who
are you likely to choose? Would it be one of the people eagerly waving their hands in the air in
a meeting or volunteering within seconds from an email invitation? These individuals probably
are the same ones who tend to be most sociable,
outspoken, and hyped about any opportunity
members who are, in contrast, to them, passive
complementarity theory,” the groups get along better when the leaders and group members
balance their tendencies to run the show. There
is more conflict when an extroverted boss tries
to manage a group of proactive employees. This
situation, can only hamper the group’s work productivity and sense of harmony.
to be recognized. Don’t let their enthusiasm fool
In addition to allowing their group members
is more likely to be the quiet and reticent person
group’s efforts, introverted leaders spend more
you. It turns out that your best choice of a leader who’d take a back seat in the public discussions. Researchers are finding that introverts make
better leaders than extroverts for one simple
reason, they are more likely to listen and pay
attention to what other people are saying. It’s
the introverts you want to choose as leaders, not the extroverts. Extroverted leaders who want
all their subordinates to be proactive, engaged,
to contribute more actively to the success of the time listening and lesser time talking. Drawing from the axiom that “two heads are better than
one,” this idea suggests that many talking heads are better than one that constantly controls the
conversation. Inspite of this, research shows that the voluble are considered smarter than the
reticent—even though there is zero correlation between the gift of gab and good ideas.
46
Gift of the Gab | Silent Voice
Enthusiastic Assertive
Proactive
06
Organized Inspiring Strong Communicator
Tallented
Supportive
Approachable
Motivating Qualities we want in an Ideal leader A survey, was developed and sent to young students and professionals to understand what are the most desirable qualites of a leader. 53 responses determined that the ideal team leader is not gregarious, bold outspoken, and a risk taker, but rather a very good motivator, who is approachable and understanding, a role most Introverts would naturally fit into. 47
Gift of the Gab | Silent Voice
No. of Responses
Motivating 16
Inspiring 23
Tallented, in their respective field of work 18
Supportive
09
Assertive
23
Strong Communicator
11
Proactive
23
Approachable
07
Enthusiastic
16
Organized
// Traits of an ideal leader, are // An Introverted leader spends roles introverts naturally fit into. more time listening than talking. Photography:Pure & Honest Photography:Pure & Honest
27
48
W hen Collaboration kills Creativity | Silent Voice
rainy Wednesday night to talk about microchips.
looking engineers gather in the garage of an
Stephen Wozniak, is thrilled to hear of the Altair.
Menlo Park, California. Thirty unprepossessing unemployed colleague named Gordon French. They call themselves the Homebrew Computer
Club, and this is their first meeting. The mission: to make computers accessible to all the people,
no small task at a time when most computers are temperamental SUV-sized machines that only
universities and corporations could afford. This garage is drafty, but the engineers leave the
doors open to the damp night air so people can wander inside anytime.
In walks an uncertain young man of twenty-four, a calculator designer for Hewlett-Packard. He is
serious and bespectacled, has shoulder length hair and a brown beard. He takes a chair and
But it’s an important first step. The young man, He has been obsessed with electronics since
the age of three. When he was eleven he came across a magazine article about the very first
computer, the ENIAC, or the Electronic Numerical Integrator and Computer, and ever since, his
dream has been to build a machine so small and easy to use that you could keep it at home. And
now, inside this garage, here is a news that The Dream, might one day materialize. He is excited
to be surrounded by these kindred spirits. To the
Homebrew crowd, computers are a tool for social justice, and he feels the same way. Not that he
talks to anyone at this first meeting— he is way too shy for that.
listens quietly as the others marvel over a new
That night he goes home and sketches his first
which very recently made to the cover of Popular
and the screen, just like the kinds we use today.
build-it-yourself computer called Altair 8800,
Electronics. The Altair 8800 isn’t a true personal computer; it’s hard to use, and appeals only to
the type of person who shows up at a garage on a
// Collaboration kills creativity when you’d rather need solitude. Photography: Rauschen Weiss
07 W H E N COLLABORATION K I L L S C R E A T I V I T Y
March 5, 1975. A cold and drizzly evening in
design for a personal computer, with a keyboard Three months later he builds a prototype of the
machine and ten months after that, he and Steve Jobs co-found Apple Computer.
50
W hen Collaboration kills Creativity | Silent Voice
07
Today Steve Wozniak is a revered figure in Sili-
innovative should work in a highly social work-
named Woz’s Way— and is sometimes called the
Wozniak did right after the meeting in Menlo
con Valley, there’s a street in San Jose, California, nerd soul of Apple. He has learned over time to open up and speak publicly, even appearing as
a contestant on Dancing with the Stars, where he displayed an endearing mixture of stiffness and
good cheer. I once saw Wozniak speak at one of the bookstores in New York . The standing-room-
only crowd showed up bearing their 1970s Apple operating manuals, in honor of all that he had
done for them. But the credit is not of Wozniak’s alone; it also belongs to Homebrew Club.
Wozniak identifies that very first meeting as a beginning of the computer revolution and one
of the most important nights of his life. So if you wanted to replicate all the conditions that made
Woz so productive, we might point to Homebrew, with its collection of likeminded souls. We may
decide that Wozniak’s achievement was a shining example of collaborative approach to creativity.
We might conclude that people who hope to be
place. And we might be wrong. Consider what Park. Did he huddle with fellow club members to work on computer design? No. Did he seek out
a big, open office full of cheerful pandemonium in which ideas would cross-pollinate? No.
When you read an account of his work process
on that first PC, the most striking thing is that he was always by himself. Wozniak did most of the
work inside his cubicle at Hewlett-Packard. He’d arrive around 6:30 a.m. and, alone in the early
morning, read an engineering magazine, study chip manuals, and prepare designs in his head.
After work, he would go home, make a very quick spaghetti or TV dinner, then drive back to the
office and work late into the night. He describes this period of quiet midnights and his solitary
sunrises as “the biggest high ever.” His efforts also paid off on the night of June 29, 1975, at
10:00 p.m, when Woz finally finished building a
prototype of his machine.
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W hen Collaboration kills Creativity | Silent Voice
From 1956 to 1962, an era best remembered
was the sort of breakthrough moment that most
tute of Personality Assessment and Research at
it happened. Intentionally so. In his memoir, he
a series of studies on the nature of creativity.
creators and inventors:
spectacularly creative people and then figure
letters appeared on the screen in front of him. It
of us can only dream of. And he was alone when offers this advice to kids who aspire to be great “Most inventors and engineers I’ve met are like
me. They are shy and they live in their own heads. They’re almost like artists. In fact, the very best
of them are artists. And artists work best alone where they can control their invention’s design
without a lot of other people designing it for marketing or some other committee. I don’t believe
anything really revolutionary has been invented by committee. If you’re that rare engineer who’s
an inventor and also an artist, I’m going to give you some advice that might be hard to take. That
advice is: Work alone. You are going to be best
able to design revolutionary products and great
for its ethos of stultifying conformity, in the Insti-
the University of California, Berkeley, conducted
These researchers sought to identify the most
out what made them different from everybody
else. They assembled a list of the best architects,
// Sometimes you need to close the door to distractions and teamwork Photography: Rauschen Weiss
rise of the new groupthink
He hit a few keys on the keyboard— and all the
mathematicians, scientists, engineers, and some writers who had made major contributions to
their fields, and invited them to Berkeley for the
weekend of personality tests, problem-solving
experiments, and probing questions. Then the
researchers did something similar with members
of the same professions whose contributions were decidedly less groundbreaking.
features if you’re working on your own. Not on
a committee. Not on a team.
52
W hen Collaboration kills Creativity | Silent Voice
One of the most interesting findings, echoed by later tended to be socially poised introverts. They were inte or participative temperament. They described themse many had been shy and solitary. These findings don’t extroverts, but they do suggest that in a group of peo their lifetimes, you’re likely to find a lot of introverts. W with some ineffable quality that fuels creativity? Well,
53
But there is a less obv quite powerful explana creative advantage—th everyone can learn fro prefer to work indepen can be a catalyst to in What’s so magical abo
54
vious yet surprisingly ation for an introvert’s he explanation that om. Introverts mostly ndently, and solitude nnovation & creativity. out solitude?
W hen Collaboration kills Creativity | Silent Voice
studies, was that the more creative people mostly erpersonally skilled but not of an especially sociable elves as independent and individualistic. As teens, mean that introverts are always more creative than ople who have been extremely creative throughout Why should this be true? Do quiet personalities come Perhaps.
2000 400 SQ. FEET
1976 2014
500 SQ. FEET
200 SQ. FEET
07
If this is true, if solitude is an important key to
productivity at work and to deprive our school
for it. We would want to teach our kids to work
excellence in an increasingly competitive world.
creativity, then we might want to develop a taste independently. We’d want to give our employees plenty of privacy & autonomy. Yet, increasingly
we do just the opposite. We like to believe that we live in a grand age of creative individualism, but are we really?
When we look back at the mid century era in
which the Berkeley researchers conducted their creativity studies, and to feel superior. Unlike
the starched-shirted conformists of the 1950s, we hang posters of Einstein on our walls, with
his tongue stuck out iconoclastically. We listen to indie music and films, to generate our own
online content. We ‘think different’. But the way we organize our most important institutions,
our schools and our workplaces, tells us a very different story. It’s the story of a contemporary
phenomenon that’s called the New Groupthink, a phenomenon that has the potential to stifle
children of the skills they will need to achieve The New Groupthink elevates the teamwork
above all else. It insists that creativity and our
intellectual achievement come from a the most gregarious place. It has powerful advocates.
The New Groupthink is now embraced by many corporations, that increasingly organize their
workforce into teams. It’s quite a problem in the workplace today, because we have a workplace that is increasingly setup for maximum group
interaction. More and more of our offices are set as open-plan offices where there are no walls
and very little privacy. This ideal did not arise at one precise moment. Cooperative learning,
corporate teamwork, and te open office plans
emerged at different times for different reasons. But a mighty force that pulled these trends
together was a rise of the World Wide Web, that lent gravity to the idea of collaboration.
55
W hen Collaboration kills Creativity | Silent Voice
open-source operating system; Wikipedia, the
online encyclopedia; MoveOn.org, the grassroot political movement. The collective creations,
exponentially greater than a sum of their parts, were so awe-inspiring that we came to revere
the hive mind, the wisdom of crowds, the miracle of crowdsourcing. Instead of just distinguishing between online and in-person interaction, we
used the lessons of one to inform our thinking about the other.
Introversion concentrates the mind on the tasks in hand, and prevents the dissipation of the energy on social, and distracting matters unrelated to work.
// Average space per employee has shrunk from 500 sq. feet in 1970s to 200 sq. feet today. Photography: Pure and Honest
On the Internet, many of wondrous products
were created via shared brainpower: Linux, the
The Internet’s role in promoting a face-to-face group work is ironic because the early Web
was a medium, which enabled bands of often introverted individualists, people much like
the solitude-craving thought leaders Farrall and Kronborg define, to come together to subvert
and transcend usual ways of problem-solving. A significant majority of the earliest computer enthusiasts were introverts.
56
W hen Collaboration kills Creativity | Silent Voice
The Experiment Two groups of product designers were given a challenge and asked to come up with creative solutions within forty minutes. This was part of the research conducted for a large product manufacturing corporation The Challenge To come up with new product concepts for a young student market for a dorm product.
35%
The Process Two groups followed two different working processes to determine a winner and also to find out which work process would work in favor of what kind of team structure.
More business value
GROUP 1 38 mins: Collaboration Gather together in a room to generate ideas 5 mins: Selection of ideas To pick the 5 best ideas.
25%
Better product designs based on customer reviews
GROUP 2 10 mins: Solo idea generation
10% More ideas
Gather together in a room to generate ideas 28 mins: Brainstorm and discussion. Discussing the ideas with the group 5 mins: Selection of ideas To pick the 5 best ideas. The Results Group 2 was declared the winner by the panel of Wharton MBA students based on which group had better solutions, added more value, and had more ideas on the plate.
57
W hen Collaboration kills Creativity | Silent Voice
The following were identified as the reasons for the success for Group 2, who were the only ones, who enjoyed few minutes of solo ideation in their creative process.
tackle the common objective by having 20% Tomembers regardless of how ridiculous they are. session is free of criticism, there are 35% As35%themore chances of the system working better. in the group after solo ideation to create 50% Meeting an unrestricted storm of as many ideas as possible.
// The results confirmed that the // Reasons for success of Group 2 Group 2 had more valuable ideas was identified as their solo ideation Photography:Pure & Honest Photography:Pure & Honest
SOLITUDE ENHANCES CREATIVITY
The Reasons
58
Wrapped Credits and captions for images on this page
Wrapped Credits and captions for images on this page
03. The Gap Explained | THE SILENT VOICE
Just Breathe
01
08 S A Y I N G Y E S W H E N Y O U
as closed off, maybe even judgmental. If you lean back, away from the group when everyone else on your face, you might do a face check now and then to make sure you’re not scowling. The mes-
nooks of a noisy world, we have to control our own airspace, and to do that, we have to understand
to connect with us first try to determine, based on our unspoken evidence, what it is that we need.
isn’t what we want, can be annoying or hurtful. And if nothing else, it throws the whole interaction
off the track. That’s no good. Surely there is a middle ground where we may have our quiet space
Cajoling? Cheering up? To be knocked off our high horse? Then they act accordingly, which, if it
the world opens its arms to extroverts but steps cautiously around introverts. Those who do want
that even quiet says something. We need to make sure it’s not sending the wrong messages.
sage, of course, will be subtle. Everything about introversion is. But to live comfortably in the quiet
is leaning forward, you might send a rejecting message. And while there’s no need to keep a grin
when I’m open to conversation. If you’re sitting with crossed arms and legs, people may see you
without being rude. Neither of these makes us appear sufficiently approachable. There’s a reason
our boundaries. Or we may use an impenetrable wall of polite smile when we need to check out
enjoying watching the scene; this is how I look when I want to be left alone; this is just how I look
identify what you want to say. Or maybe you will have to practice: This is how I look when I am
what you want to project, consider your body language. Maybe that will naturally follow when you
different from “I’m totally overwhelmed, get me out of here” quiet. Once you have a sense of
“thinking hard” quiet, which is different from “enjoying watching the scene” quiet, which is really
quietly, try to parse what kind of quiet you’re feeling. “Leave me alone” quiet is different from
you might need to give some thought to what your quiet is telling people. When you are sitting
worry, I’m having a great time in my quiet way.” If you’re misinterpreted more often than not,
posed “Are you angry? Are you bored?”, just answer pleasantly, with a little explanation. “Don’t
No need to be Parisian about it and roll your eyes if the effort is well intended. If a question is
don’t know the language.
tourists mangling a foreign language, many extroverts are trying to communicate with us but just
negative assumptions about us, we also need to give other people the benefit of the doubt. Like
without assumptions made as to our nature. While I don’t defend those who make such hurtful or
prickly defenses to protect ourselves from the onslaughts by extroverts determined to break down
attracted most of the attention. Eventually you stop craving what you can’t get. We may develop
people. Perhaps this is self-protection, developed because ever since we were children, extroverts
don’t reject the company of others. But, we may convince ourselves that we have no need for other
is. Do we? Sometimes we want to be at home, but not always. Introverts do have social needs. We
this makes some people nervous. They want to give us what we want but don’t know what that
rewarded with exactly what they crave. But introverts out in public send ambiguous signals, and
as many connections as they can have. That’s easy for other people to respond to. Extroverts are
we are. Seeing what extroverts want is easy: They want contact, they want to be heard, they want
can’t read us, they write their own story—not always one we would choose or that’s true to who
our quiet as a hole to be filled by assumptions. Nature abhors a vacuum, and when other people
You have nothing to say. Just as scientists perceive introversion as a void, so does society see
interpretations: You’re bored. You’re depressed. You’re shy. You’re stuck-up. You’re judgmental.
One of the risks of being quiet is that other people can fill your silence easily with their own
WANT TO SAY NO
RETREAT RESTORE REGROUP
It is easy to become too exhausted, around the banter of noisy egos. It’s a dose of nature that often settles and heals me. I walk through my tiny garden and the flowers, mixed with weeds, often speak to me; poised and tranquil, they bend with the breeze but remain standing. The rain makes them heavy and the sun lifts their buds. It’s a walking meditation as I methodically watch the process unfold. Relish the silence and breathe.
The Fertile Void | Silent Voice
Halloween costumes. And where do we place
allow space for invention. And introverts live a
flamboyant party boy? Perhaps some of his very
have been made for the superior creativity of
the introvert and the extrovert within. One of my
and receptive. This is the fertile void, where we life that is halfway there at all times. Arguments introverts. Existential psychologist Rollo May, author of The Courage to Create, says that
“The Genuine creativity is characterized by an extreme intensity of awareness, followe by a heightened consciousness.”
Mozart, who was prolifically creative as well as a
genius lay in the fact that he had access to both
personal creative heroes, George Harrison, loved being around other people and was also a bit of
the hound dog himself. He loved the ladies, who
// Fertile Void is a place of high awareness with less distractions Photography: Bill Jacobson
09 T H E F E R T I L E V O I D
Creativity happens when, the mind is quiet
loved him back.
So no, I am not sure introverts can stake an
By that definition, we introverts—with our high
exclusive claim on creativity. Still, we do seem to
lay claim to higher levels of creativity. I want to
and our aversion to the busy, fizzy world puts us
awareness of the world around us—can perhaps
have easy access to this place of high awareness,
believe that introverts are superior in every way,
in a position to fall easily into the fertile void.
but I don’t know. This seems awfully difficult to prove and I am also big on empirical evidence.
Surely extroverts also have access to this higher form of consciousness.
I know at least a few extrovert who are wildly as
creative and applies their creative energy to the extrovert endeavors, such as theme parties and
66
The Fertile Void | Silent Voice
In sleeping, which is everyone’s most natural introverted state, the brain is left entirely to its own. Many notable creative solutions have come to people in dreams.
09
67
The Fertile Void | Silent Voice
Jennifer Grimes thinks that if it weren’t for the
the state we may reach (on a good day) when we
within each of us, nothing would ever get done.
father of the influential concept of “flow.” This is are completely and utterly engaged in a task.
Time loses meaning, we forget ourselves, we do have great inner clarity, and we do the work for
its own rather than its reward. Csikszentmihalyi studied how creative people work in order to
develop his theory. Flow, like introversion, also
ebb and flow of introversion and extroversion
“If you think about planning and really putting
together something in your mind, that could be
argued to be introversion,” she said “But unless you act and channel the energy outward, then you haven’t done anything.”
requires an internal focus. In one way, it would
But while talking and doing often are integral to
times. Maybe it’s easier for us to achieve, in our
have decided what to do, and that’s where deep
seem that introverts live halfway to flow at all
ideal environment. Of course, because we are so sensitive to outer stimulation, we may also
be easily jostled out of flow by any other outside disturbance. Creative interruptus, as it were.
Some people seem to be able to be extroverts at some stage of their work and enjoy interacting,
// Fertile Void is a place of high awareness with less distractions and solitary silence.
Psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi is the
accomplishment, you can’t do anything until you processing comes in. Talking and doing usually occur after some thought has been invested.
Talking is, in some regard, the superficial part of communication. Thinking is a quiet and solitary
endeavor, even if you are not alone, when a lot of important stuff happens.
then focus on a problem and really enjoy working on it for weeks alone. The Introversion theorist
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The Fertile Void | Silent Voice
09
Watching, thinking, creating and sometimes
competition in my brain. A lot of creativity takes
are times when our brains go into a very relaxed
people locked alone in their offices. You’re never
just letting your mind drift away to daydreams alertness. And in that quiet inner space, brilliant ideas may gestate. Even if ideas originate in the
interaction, plenty of people are also stimulated by collaboration, and research finds that while
interaction and serendipity are the fuel for our innovation—taking a spark of an idea to fruition usually requires that people spend at least a
little time inside their own brains, working the things out alone.
place in solitude as well. Books are written by
completely alone anymore. As if writing didn’t
take enough of discipline, we have many, many more interesting ways to procrastinate than
cleaning out the refrigerators or even getting the schmutz out of our keyboard. Painting can
also be sociable; making a portrait from a live model is intimate in all ways, even besides the
hanky-panky that has gone on in artists’ studios through history. But whatever the relationship
I am particularly creative on long road trips,
between artist and model, when an artist puts
lulled us into a very comfortable silence. Road
where nothing exists but light, color and shape.
I am quiet and removed from familiar surround-
introverted state, the brain is left entirely to its
scenery. In this introspective space, all the ideas
to people in their dreams. The career-changing
corners, the little half-formed ones—tiptoe out.
a dream, so did the melody of the classic Paul
alone or with my husband, once the roads have
brush to canvas, he or she enters the fertile void,
trip affords hours in void between places, where
In sleeping, which is everyone’s most natural
ings, free to do nothing but watch the road and
own. Many notable creative solutions have come
that have been tucked into my mind’s deepest
American flag painting came to Jasper Johns in
They are shy but are emboldened by the lack of
McCartney song Yesterday.
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The Fertile Void | Silent Voice // The quiet place where the introverts spend much time is an incubator for art and ideas. // This creative space can be accessible to anyone who takes time to find it.
The quiet space in which introverts spend much of their time is a natural incubator for art and ideas. But then again, if introverts create great art and never step outside of themselves to share it, does that affect the value of their own creativity? Is a spectacular voice heard only in the shower as valuable as a voice heard by thousands? Hundreds? Or even five? I don’t know the answer, but they’re questions worth considering. The fact that introverts live in a fertile void perhaps supports a notion that we are especially receptive to exploring our space and creativity, but that same space is can be accessible to anyone who takes time to find it. What happens after all the seeds are planted might be a more important matter.
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Introverts’ Unite | A Silent Voice
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Introverts’ Unite | A Silent Voice Image Caption Credits and captions for images on this page
Image Caption Credits and captions for images on this page
10 E N E R G Y IN E N E R G Y O U T
Energ y In Energ y Out | Silent Voice
“A lot of us have at some point, been accused of being too intense. Our intensity exhausts extroverts”
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For the most part, what we “know” about
tired, almost like a muscle would be tired. The
talked about energy directed inward versus
our thoughts come, the harder it is to speak full
introversion is more theory than fact. Carl Jung energy directed outward, and we’re on board with that. It feels right. We intuitively know
what he’s talking about. But what does it mean, really? What, exactly, is psychic energy? Can it
be scientifically measured in a way that will allow us to ascertain whether introverts and extroverts really do direct it in different directions? And
how can we measure the effects of redirecting our psychic energy? What is it that gets tired in
introverts when we must behave as extroverts? We don’t know the answers to any of all these questions. Not yet.
Maybe at some point in the future, our brain
imaging will find a way to visualize and quantify
more depleted our psychic energy is, the slower sentences or focus on what’s going on around us. The senses become even more sensitive; noise
and fuss are more overwhelming. We become
tense, irritated, cranky. That’s when we know we need to stop, sit down, let our brain relax and put up its metaphorical feet.
So we know that whatever psychic energy is, we need to manage it. Sometimes that means
declining invitations, sometimes physically or mentally checking out in situations where we
feel ourselves beginning to wilt. Paying atten-
tion to the ebb and flow of your energy, and then calibrating it, choosing activities according to
whether you have energy in abundance or need
this. For now, though, it remains in the realm of
a refill, brings equilibrium to life. It also helps
Four billion introverts can’t be wrong. We know
and when to stop. Interacting in superficial way
anecdote. Nevertheless, it bears thinking about. what it feels like to have our energy drained by
too much interaction. It feels like our brains are
you have more fun, since you know when to go is draining and exhausting. It depletes energy but doesn’t refill the well with new energy.
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Energ y In Energ y Out | Silent Voice
Introversion and extroversion are the inborn
met at that weekend festival were specialists in
that one is gregarious and at ease in the world
energy, but they replenish it, too. The people I their field with lots of interesting things to say. As introverts, lot of us may have at some point,
in our lives, been accused of being too intense.
traits, and the difference between them is not and the other shy and awkward. Rather, extro-
verts are outwardly motivated and gain energy from interaction with the outside world while
Our intensity can exhaust the extroverts. To all
introverts are more inwardly directed and are
pressure to go deeper than they’re comfortable
thinking tends to be deep and slow, we require
the extroverts our intensity may feel like a kind of with, in a way that depletes their energy. Some
of the combinations of the energy-out/energy-in needs are incompatible. People who don’t want
to invest a lot of energy but want to get a lot back are draining for us.
drained by interaction with others. An introverts’
// Our psychic energy needs to be held sometimes by physically or mentally checking out
Long, thoughtful conversations also require
copious time alone, we prefer probing and deep conversation to shallow chitchat, and our social
lives are geared more towards the more intimate one-on-one interactions than more the merrier, free-for-alls kinds.
The energy-in-energy-out equation is imper-
fect science, if it’s science at all. Still, it’s a useful construct in deciding where and how to invest
your energy. Sometimes you have to consider:
What’s in it for me? This is the point where most of us introverts, retreat in our own quiet spaces
to avoid our intense energy drains and it seems the most logical to shut ourselves off.
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While travelling, I don’t seek people out, I am terrible at striking up conversations with strangers and I am perfectly happy exploring a strange city on my own.
The Introverted Traveller | Silent Voice
THE INTROVERTED TRAVELLER
usually in bed in my hotel room, appreciating
his wife have visited every continent and have a
television is a valid reflection of the society.
robust interest in world politics and culture. Still, he sounded a little sheepish. “You know how
people say that the reason to travel is to meet
people?” he said. “Do you ... ? I ... I don’t really.” He was reluctant to finish the sentence, but his
filthy secret was out: He doesn’t buy into that
style of travel. I felt liberated.
We introverts have a different style of travel,
and I’m tired of hiding it. Oh, I’m always happy
enough when interesting people stumble into
my path. It’s a lagniappe, and I’m capable of con-
the local color TV. So sue me, but I contend that
This is not something I confess easily. I have
long been shamed out of owning my introversion
by the extroverts who dominate the American
culture. Extroversion has long been considered
healthier than introversion, and introverts often
// The inner flame is kindled by beauty and sometimes just by observing nature and people.
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I was talking to a friend who is who intelligent,
well-informed, worldly and well-traveled. He and
try to push us against our natural tendencies in
order to fit in, to seem normal so people will stop scolding us. Extroverts are unintentional bullies,
demanding that everyone join their party or be considered queer, sad or stunted.
necting with people when the opportunity arises. And when the chemistry is right, I enjoy it. But
I don’t seek people out, I am terrible at striking
up conversations with strangers and I am happy
exploring a strange city alone. I don’t seek out
political discourse with opinionated cab drivers
or boozy bonding with locals over beers into the wee hours. By the time the hours get wee, I am
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The Introverted Traveller | Silent Voice
11
I am friends with a couple, who take annual
my face for the waitress, trying not to look as
the British Virgin Islands, Turkey and Croatia with
woman touring Finland as the cold, dark winter
yachting vacations to exotic destinations such as groups of as many as twelve people. This couple
long ago stopped inviting me and my introverted husband, Tom, on these trips, though I can sense
their puzzled disappointment over our persistent refusals. But the thought of ten days in a small
space with that many people gives me the hives. We have tried to explain, but I am not sure our
friends really get it. Telling me how nice everyone is misses the point. I am sure each and every
person is delightful, but there are just too darn many of them all at once. Period.
Extroversion is a powerful force in America
and one that few other cultures share. When traveling alone in Finland a few years ago, with the
scolding voices of extroverts in my brain, I tried to present an open, approachable demeanor.
One night in a restaurant, dining alone is always a little stressful, even for loners like myself. I
bravely plastered a cheery American grin on
peculiar as I felt—a lone middle-aged American set in. But Finns are not one of the indiscriminate smilers Americans are—one might even call them dour, my waitress seemed a little discomfited by my insistent smile. Finally, she gave me her best effort at returning it, and a more pinched and
strained approximation of a smile I have never
seen. I was touched but also embarrassed for us both. I wiped the silly grin off my own face and got down to the business of eating dinner and quietly observing my fellow diners.
Though I don’t need to talk to a lot of people,
I love watching them. Many of my favorite travel memories involve sitting and watching. I spent hours under the midnight sun in the Vigeland
Sculpture Garden in Oslo, watching people wander among the statues. In Venice, we returned
several times to a café with tables under a huge
tree where we passed some time over snacks and cold drinks, watching people. In Rome my niece
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The Introverted Traveller | Silent Voice
spot outside the Pantheon. Sitting, eating, and watching. Conversation optional.
I can think of one time when my introversion
was challenged by a trip and that was a two-week solo excursion. Halfway through this trip, I was getting lonely. So I went a lively outdoor café
and tried to look approachable. I gave encouraging glances to a couple sitting nearby, seeking
the slightest sign that any conversation would be welcome. Nothing. Even my waiter refused to
engage in any chitchat. The night following that afternoon remains among the loneliest of my
decades of travels. I sat in my room listening to the party below and felt sorry for myself. Near
the end of the trip, on a train to Zermatt, a group of Americans entered my car, and I threw myself
at them, begging them to talk to me. They finally warmly obliged and even extended an invitation to dine with them that night, which I gladly
Nonetheless, for some of us, meeting people is not the sole purpose of travel. I travel for the travel. And I will be forever grateful to my friend for his confession. It’s good to know that I might be a loner, but I’m not alone.
// The quiet place where the introverts spend much time is an incubator for art and ideas.
and I ended every day with gelato at a favorite
accepted. So I ended up interacting with my own culture, which isn’t really the point, is it?
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memories than extroverts. When given a list of related words like table, sit, legs, seat, couch and
extroversion is better than introversion. For instance, Introverts are more susceptible to false
I don’t suggest that introversion is better than extroversion. But I bristle at a suggestion that
society, you can turn every extrovert advantage into a disadvantage.
extroversion is only a great advantage in some cultures. But even in our more extrovert- friendly
more popular among peers, but in Canada, that type of child is less likely to be popular. Clearly,
the world. One study found that in China, the children who are considered sensitive and quiet are
construct. Maybe extroverts have it all going on in North America, but that is just one slice of
evidence of our disadvantages? Do blow it off. First of all, the advantages are entirely a cultural
It is enough to discourage even all the proudest introvert. What can we do in the face of scientific
babies are rewarded with more attention, which causes them to respond by being more outgoing.
memories. One study even suggests they’re stronger and better-looking, since the good-looking
better leaders. They suffer less stress. Less depression. They’re more optimistic. They have better
They do better socially. They find mates more easily. They succeed professionally. They also make
You have probably heard that extroverts have the advantage over us, in all kinds of venues.
12 T U R N I N G THE E X T R O V E R T
the introvert is actually more successful at the friendship? Just something to think about.
verts might have four friends and feel like that is more than just enough. Could that mean that
also imply that there are never enough? Are they perpetually falling short of having enough? Intro-
desire as many friends. But if an extrovert claims, “No such thing as too many friends!” does that
deep, right? Perhaps extroverts have more of friends. No surprises there, since we introverts don’t
sweeter if you have been sad. And sadness is often a first step toward enlightenment. It’s pretty
have to learn to manage it. I am a big believer in the yin and yang of our lives. Happiness is all the
depression, but if it’s a price some of us have to pay for thinking and feeling deeply, then we just
extroverts). Are all the extroverts less depressed? Okay, it is hard to find much positive to say about
rewarded for being their natural selves, while introverts are urged to be someone else (namely,
it’s because they don’t think about stuff as hard as we introverts do. Or maybe it’s because they are
of their faces. Maybe they’re less intuitive. Perhaps the extroverts do suffer less stress. Maybe
to me. Creative, even. Maybe extroverts are more literal and don’t see beyond what’s right in front
also relates to the other words, although it was not included on the list. Sounds pretty thoughtful
then asked to recall them, introverts were most likely to add, for example ‘chair’ to the list, since it
pastimes with others? Introvert advantage. What if great well-written emails were considered more in everything. Introverts have got it going on, too. We just don’t like to boast.
we’re talking about visibility, not measurable success. And if you consider that sort of visibility a
profile crashes and burns, is that a bigger failure than someone who crashes and burns quietly?
measure of success, does it then follow that it also is the measure of failure? If someone high
their success or to put themselves in the public eye so that people can see their success. But then
valuable than meandering phone calls? Introvert advantage. Extroverts don’t have the advantage
advantage. What if you measured time spent productively alone versus time spent in frivolous
started counting all substantial thoughts versus the bland niceties expressed each day? Introvert
Are they more famous? Ask the introvert Steve Martin. Perhaps they are more likely to crow about
start measuring by an introvert scale, we would find all our extroverts falling short. What if you
The extrovert advantage is a false construct, a measurement taken with an extrovert ruler. If we
The Gap Explained | A Silent Voice
of common wisdom that’s not so wise. Do they earn more money? Ask introvert Warren Buffett.
Professional success? That extroverts are more professionally successful is one of those pieces
A D V A N T A G E UPSIDE D O W N
Loneliness is a state of mind | Silent Voice
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Loneliness is a state of mind | Silent Voice
be with other people. Loneliness is about how
Look up “lonely” and the first definition is “being
introverts feel pretty good about being alone.
lonely. Even the Merriam-Webster gets it wrong. without company.” But really, who uses it that
way? If someone called and asked if you were
13 L O N E L I N E S S I S A STATE O F M I N D
with anyone, would you say, “No, I’m lonely”? That would send the entirely wrong message
and the person calling would feel sorry for you. Worse, that person might come running to be
with you, which is a lovely gesture but, let’s face it, could spoil perfectly good alone time.
Actually, an introvert who is enjoying alone
time probably wouldn’t even have picked up the phone. Look up “alone” in the dictionary and
the first definition is “separated from the others,” which sounds a lot lonelier than the definition of lonely. “Separated from others” implies that you
you feel about being alone. Much of the time, We can drive for hours with no more company
than the radio. We can spend weekends at home alone and not get bored. We love the evenings
alone. Also mornings. We consider nothing to do as something to do.
// Loneliness is an internal state, about how you feel being alone. Photography: Pure and Honest
A lot of people confuse being alone with being
However, introverts say it all the time. The morning chatter is exceedingly difficult for
us. An introverts’ need for copious amounts of
time alone is one reason we don’t have millions friends. Friendships require time to maintain,
and too many friendships take too much time.
But numbers of friends are irrelevant to the loneliness in our lives.
were with others, but now you are not. There’s
an air of loss about it. Aloneness is an external
condition: a person who is without other people. Loneliness is an internal state. It is a longing to
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Loneliness is a state of mind | Silent Voice
13
Being lonely is never good. But being alone
the easiest for introverts as it is the path of least
Solitude implies tranquillity. It sounds restful
within ourselves that we have been isolated for
is not always bad. I like the word “solitude.”
and inviting. I picture a lone tree on a hill, or
a cozy armchair on a snowy day, or a little cabin under the big Montana sky. Solitude sounds
good and healthy and not the least bit pathetic. Those people might as well feel sorry for someone else. Maybe that woman on a horrible first
date. Or the guy who was dragged to a chick flick by his wife. Or the woman whose chatty friend
insists on providing all the running commentary.
resistance. It is up to us to recognize the signs
too long. When we start feeling blue. When we start feeling lonely. We introverts are actually
kind of vain about our appreciation for solitude. We don’t make a big deal about it, but we also
consider the ability to spend time alone as the marker of an interesting person, an individual of substance and volume.
Of course, we would sound a little bit cracked if we urged people to spend more time alone,
However, Introverts are not completely immune
unlike people who tell us we should all get out
by people if we haven’t found anyone to connect
hearts are in the right place. People might worry
momentum of solitude to override our natural
But you can be confident that if you don’t feel
to the loneliness. We can be lonely surrounded
more. But just smile when they say that. Their
with. We also can get lonely, when we allow the
that you’re lonely, and it’s kind of them to care.
need for companionship. Being alone is always
lonely, being alone is just fine.
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The Gap Explained Loneliness is a state |ofA mind Silent| Voice Silent Voice // Image Solitude is the tranquillity. Caption Image Caption that sounds and Credits and restful captions forinviting, Credits and captions for that makes introverts images on this page happy. images on this page
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I couldn’t be happier. I’m not lonely. I’m just going solo. Introverts are not immune to the loneliness. We can be lonely surrounded by people if we haven’t found anyone to connect with. We also can get lonely if we allow the momentum of solitude to override our natural need for companionship. Being alone always is easiest for introverts as it is the path of least resistance. It is up to us to recognize the signs within ourselves that we have been isolated for too long. When we start feeling blue. When we start feeling lonely. Introverts are actually kind of vain about our appreciation for solitude. We don’t make a big deal about it, but we also consider the ability to spend time alone as a marker of an interesting person, an individual of substance and volume.
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A Team of One | Silent Voice
Seems like they’re all too busy shouting out their
storming sessions. Standing up in all meetings
a crowd. Even if I do get an idea worth sharing, I
building exercises. Know what else? The brain and also telling everyone else a little bit about themselves. And being told that they are not a
team player because they would rather go home after work than to happy hour with the gang from accounting.
Much of what we know about getting ahead in business, about managing people, about
ideas. It’s like Twitter—everyone bellowing into
have a hard time getting it out there. My mouth opens and shuts, opens and shuts, interjecting random syllables that get lost in the hubbub,
until the idea flees from my brain. I take a lot of notes in meetings—things to think about later,
or ideas that come to mind that might be worth
pursuing afterward, outside the team chaos.
building successful teams is clearly developed
It’s not that introverts aren’t the good team
charismatic leaders are better leaders. All of the
room as the rest of the team at all times. We
by extroverts, for extroverts. Everybody knows Brainstorming sessions are the optimum way
to solve problems and generate fresh ideas. The best employees are team players. I’ll stick my
neck out and say there’s not an introvert alive
who can think clearly in free-for-all brainstorm-
ing sessions. My tendency in this sort of happy situation is to retreat into my own head rather
than roll around in other peoples’ ideas. Does anyone listen to anyone in sessions like that?
// Solitude is the tranquillity. that sounds restful and inviting, Photography:Pure and Honest
14 A T E A M O F O N E
Know what all introverts hate? All the team
players. We just don’t need to be in the same would much prefer to have part of the project carved out for us to squirrel away with it in our offices, and consulting as necessary, working
independently. A workplace might be the most important place for introverts to assert them-
selves, and find ways to tap into their strengths. Otherwise, we are competing professionally
on an uneven level, trying to play the extrovert game against natural-born extroverts.
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A Team of One | Silent Voice
“Why would we want to rely on the weakness rather than strengths?” Extroverts may be better at making a first
making new contacts. One of the marketing
ways to get under the boss’s skin. In a good way.
introverts set up meetings with people they
impressions, so introverts have to look for other
For one thing, introverts need to figure out what they do best, and make sure the boss knows.
After a brainstorming session, where you might have been steam rollered, maybe hit up your
boss for a one-on-one meeting and contribute your ideas. Or write a pithy memo. Volunteer to
do the things you know you do well, like writing
up reports. Volunteering shows your team spirit, and it means you won’t be assigned extroverted style tasks. And if you conduct much of your
business via email, is that so bad? We are told it is. But I’m terrible on the phone; I make a much better impression in writing or in person.
Why would I want to rely on my weakness
rather than my strengths? Sometimes you have to find least-painful ways to do most-painful
things. Like conferences, which can be introvert torture. All those people for days and days, the expectation that you will walk the room while
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pros and introvert Lisa Petrilli recommends that want to meet before the conference starts. That gives them a good reason not to bail out on
attending sessions, and you can network oneon-one, without having to plunge into a crowd
with handshakes and your best extrovert smile. Or is that a grimace?
Maybe if you take breakfast meetings, you can allow yourself to bow out of evening cocktails.
Plus, it might give you someone to walk into the day’s first session with, making the entrance a
little easier if you’re the nervous type. Back at the office, fitting our introvert ways into the
company culture sometimes means just to voice your ideas and speaking up. A good manager
will appreciate the candor and your intentions, especially when you do a good job. The good
manager also will appreciate the fact that your reluctance to schmooze everyone in the office makes you productive.
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A Team of One | Silent Voice
And a good manager will understand, if you try
to explain that a closed office door isn’t meant to be unfriendly. Eventually you might even be
able to persuade that manager that all the team building games are not necessary in every one of those sales meeting.
What if you don’t have an office door to close? Unfortunately, many modern offices are an
anathema to introverts—the dreaded open office, the privacy-sucking cubicle. Thinking can be
very difficult for us when we are forced to hear
everyone else’s phone conversations, when we are helpless to prevent the office gossip from
stopping by our desk for a little jaw wag, when silence and solitude are all but impossible to
come by. If you’re an all unhappy introverted cubicle dweller, you’ll have to come up with solutions that fit your office culture.
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A Team of One | Silent Voice
Introverts listen, while extroverts expound. Extroverts need external approval to stay motivated; but introverts are internally motivated.
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A Team of One | Silent Voice
being debunked. Researchers are finding that
Charismatic leaders might get lot of attention
an MP3 player—either playing music or playing
different. One study says that different types
Extroverts get their ideas out to the world, but
in an empty office before everyone alse arrives
leaders. Research at 130 franchise restaurants
nothing? Can you shift your hours to have time
or after everyone is gone? Maybe you can move into an empty conference room when you have
work that requires concentration. Maybe you can
introverted leadership is not inferior, it’s just
because that’s what charismatic people do best.
of teams perform best under different types of
also can be loose cannons. You never know what
found that extroverts are good at leading teams
speak. We can also be excellent public speakers
that just want to be told what to do, introverts
are good at leading teams in which everyone
they’ll say. Introverts think carefully before they
because we prepare carefully. Extroverts might
be more willing to leap into bolder change than
work at home sometimes. Taking breaks can
contributes ideas. Introverts listen, extroverts
introverts, who want to think things through
your brain air out. Take yourself to lunch alone,
stay motivated; introverts are internally also
and give an impression of progress, but which
help; walk around the building or the block to let
or brown-bag it and dine solo in a peaceful spot. Is there a park nearby? Perfect.
expound. Extroverts need external approval to mostly motivated.
One of introverts’ liabilities or strengths,
You can even resort to catching few minutes
depending on the situation or who you ask, is
all else fails, then there’s the bathroom, which
consider and deliberate before we act. If a team
of peace, by sitting in your car. And of course, if works as well on the job as it does at parties. And
don’t worry, because being an introvert doesn’t necessarily mean that you are doomed to your
cubicle forever. There could be a corner in office in future, because introversion as an impedi-
ment to leadership is another workplace myth
that we are slow to make decisions. We have to
needs quick action, it needs an extrovert. But an introverted leader can help focus and manage
the energy of an extroverted team. Research is
thoroughly. These great leaps can be exciting
approach actually, consistently gets us better
results? We don’t know for sure, but in the end, it is a wash.
“Our culture made a virtue of living only as
extroverts. We discouraged the inner journey,
// Few moments of peace, to be // Charismatic leaders get a lot inside your head is much needed of attention as they do that best Photography: Pure and Honest Photography: Pure and Honest
Can you wear noise-canceling headphones?
Or, less conspicuously, earbuds hooked up to
the quest for a center. So we lost our center and
have to find it again.” —Anaïs Nin
fuzzy on whether charismatic leaders are actually more effective for the bottom line.
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THE HAPPINESS BIAS
Our culture made a virtue of living only as extroverts. We discouraged the inner journey, the quest for a center. So we lost our center and have to find it again. —Anaïs Nin
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Fake it till you make it | Silent Voice
15 verts and extroverts, we know it unconsciously.
come more extroverted. Fake it till you make it,
our self-presentation. This is partly because of
as the introverts tried to force themselves to beright? Except it’s not that easy. Your personality
inclination can’t be changed like the color of your hair. It’s ingrained in your physiology. And so
then we had all these miserable introverts who were hiding their true selves and exhausting
themselves by putting on the extrovert act day in and day out.
If you can fake it, if you have mastered the
Still, there’s a limit to how much we can control a phenomenon called behavioral leakage, in
which our true selves seep out via unconscious
body language: a subtle look away at a moment
when an extrovert would have made eye contact, or a skillful turn of the conversation by a lecturer
that places the burden of talking on the audience when an extroverted speaker would have held the floor a little longer.
acting skills, the attention to social nuance, and
And while I’m sure some extroverts are shallow,
self-monitoring requires, should you? It can be
a lot doesn’t automatically make you that deep.
the willingness to submit to social norms that
effective when used judiciously, but disastrous
if overdone. Beware of the hidden costs of faking happiness and other emotions.
It seems that most of us know how to fake it
I’m sure some introverts are as well. Thinking
It depends on what you’re thinking about. The
blanket dismissal of extroverts is bigoted and, well, shallow. Just ’cause I don’t like something
// Fake it till you make it, to help // Faking happiness and emotions get through your extrovert days. can come with its hidden costs. Photography: Pure and Honest Photography: Pure and Honest
F A K E I T ‘T I L Y O U M A K E I T
And so began the self-hate and the pretension,
doesn’t mean it’s bad.
to some extent. Whether or not we’re aware that
the length of our strides and the amount of time we spend talking and smiling mark us as intro-
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Fake it till you make it | Silent Voice
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Over the years, I’ve developed some tactics
to help me through all these uncomfortable situ-
ations. They’re apparently quite effective, since
only my family and my therapist know the real, shy, introverted me. Sometimes these can help
avoid all the mistakes introverts tend to make in their lives and career. Studies show that taking
simple physical steps, like smiling, makes us
feel stronger and happier, while frowning makes
us feel worse. While you are at it, remember: Know your limits
As I mentioned earlier, I have a two hour shelf-
life as a phony extrovert and I plan accordingly.
My husband and I have a reputation for being
the first to leave parties; I own it and joke about
it. I’m okay with getting out of my comfort zone,
Some people are irritating and insufferable We all have to deal with them. Don’t freak out, just avoid them if you want to. If they corner
you, smile and nod for a few minutes and then tell them you have to leave. It has worked for
me hundreds of times, but of course I am rather blunt and socially inept, so you might be more
comfortable with a different excuse.
Everyone in the room isn’t looking at you Unless you are Jennifer Aniston, Charlie Sheen,
or anyone of that kind, not everyone in the room is looking at you. Slip out for a few minutes and
grab some alone time. I find that if I can leave a crowd for five or ten minutes, it calms me and sometimes and recharges me.
but only for a short time. Don’t beat yourself up
Attach yourself to an extrovert
If you set your limits, most likely your family and
anybody, anytime, anywhere. I’ve ridden their
about it. Accept it, laugh about it and plan for it. friends will understand and accept it too. You
might also actually enjoy it without any pressure.
My oldest and closest friends, can talk to mostly
coat-tails for years and in doing so, have picked
up a few pointers for my fake extrovert tool box.
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Fake it till you make it | Silent Voice
They smile, they compliment, they ask questions, they joke. Extroverts aren’t shallow or stupid or
phony. I reject all those claims by my introverted
brethren. Just because one of the big-mouthed, glad-hander made you miserable in high school, it shouldn’t color your perceptions for the rest of your life anyway.
There is no such thing as small talk Here is a shocker for you: Nobody likes small
talk, which is why the rest of the world refers to it as conversation. When you label face to face
communication with another human being as ‘small’, it automatically makes it seem shallow
or useless, when it’s not. In order to engage in deep, meaningful conversations, it is important
that you engage in the foreplay of lesser subjects and maybe once in a while, you’ll find yourself
in the middle of those deep conversations.In the meantime, listen and ask questions. Everyone
has something interesting to tell you, if you can give them a chance.
If you have mastered these acting skills, the attention to social nuance, willingness to submit to the social norms that self-monitoring requires, should you? It is effective if used judiciously, disastrous if overdone. Beware of all the hidden costs of pretending, faking happiness and any other emotions. 98
Fake it till you make it | Silent Voice
Our relationships mak and that includes us in should probably think
Love is essential, gregariousness is optional.Cherish like and respect. Scan all new acquaintances for those company you enjoy for its own sake. And don’t worry is to put yourself in the right lighting.For some it may Use your natural powers of persistence, concentration, that matters. Solve problems, make art, think deeply.
Think about what you are meant to contribute to our public speaking or networking or other activities that accept that they’re difficult, get the training you need, 99
Fake it till you make it | Silent Voice
ke us happier people, ntroverts too. But we quality over quantity.
your nearest and dearest. Work with colleagues you who might fall into the former categories or whose about socializing with everyone else. The secret to life be a Broadway spotlight; for others, a lamp-lit desk. , insight, and sensitivity, to do work you love and work
world and make sure you contribute it. If this requires make you uncomfortable, do them anyway. But also , make them easier, and reward yourself after it. 100
The two types are drawn to each other, in friendship, business, and romance.
The Middle Ground | Silent Voice
THE MIDDLE GROUND
effortless manner in putting people at ease. I’m
spectrum—then how can they possibly get along?
mildly embarrassed by them. And I’m envious
south of temperament—opposite ends of a single Yet the two types are often drawn to each other,
in friendship, business, and especially romance.
These pairs can often enjoy great excitement and mutual admiration, a sense that each completes
envious of their lack of inhibitions, when I’m not of the way extroversion is rewarded. The world opens its arms to extroverts but steps cautiously around introverts.
the other. One tends to listen, the other to talk;
Is there a middle ground where we may have
arrows, while other barrels cheerfully through
to our nature? Seeing all the rewards extroverts
arranges the children’s play dates. But it can also
heard, they want as many connections as they
pull in opposite directions.
The rewards introverts seek are less obvious, so
one is sensitive to beauty, but also to slings and
our quiet space without assumptions made as
his days; one pays the bills and does all the other
want is easy: They want contact, they want to be
cause problems when members of these unions
can have. That’s easy for people to respond to.
We reject the myth that extroversion is better
// Introverts and Extroverts are drawn to each other for the traits Photography: Amanda Rodriguez
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If introverts and extroverts are the north and
we sometimes feel like we are missing out.
than introversion, and so we must also reject any
The theme of this book, what I hope you have
Part of the problem might be that we introverts
way of being from extroversion and that it is up
years. I’m certainly guilty of that. I’m envious of
the way we feel most comfortable and complete.
up everyone around them. I’m envious of their
ask others to respect it.
idea that introversion is better than extroversion.
taken away, is that introversion is simply another
may have suffered some extrovert envy over the
to us to recognize it, accept it, and learn to live
the way extroverts can electrify a room and light
We want to respect our own introversion, and we
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The beauty of yin and yang of introversion and extroversion are in harmony. We create a balance in the world: with thought and action, silence and sounds, stillness and motion. Too much of one or the other, will take away the peace. Perhaps, the dominance of extroversion has allowed our society to become a shouting match, but would a fully introvert culture, with everyone being quiet behind closed doors, be able to accomplish anything? When we identify and live true to our nature, we find comfort and grace, and life is suddenly simple. When we are confident in ourselves, we can enjoy all the chatter without feeling angry or threatened. And when we assert ourselves without being defensive, extroverts will learn to accept and appreciate the calm we carry with us.
The Middle Ground | Silent Voice
And all will be right with the world.
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WONDERLAND
Solitude is different than loneliness as the rain washes my soul and the sun dries it. Outside there’s a stillness of being in between time as I lay down my heart in the folds of a sunset colored rose, aptly named, Peace.