theVAULTmagazine: Issue 1

theVAULTmagazine

Issue #1 - September 30, 2011

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The George Ireland Interview ALSO: PeaceFest >> North Country Fair >> The Social

Issue #1 - September 30, 2011 Editor/Publisher

SECTIONS

Social Media/Reception

03 Inside the Vault 12 Community Calendar 14 Entertainment 16 Arts 17 Lifestyle 18 Advice 20 Oddities 22 Puzzles 23 Comics

Jenelle Lizotte Tormaigh Van Slyke Mary Warren

Logo Design Michael Boone

Layout Design

Jenelle Lizotte Christine Taylor Tormaigh Van Slyke Chris Zwick

Distributor

Buzz Lorenzen

Website Design

Sush Wong & Doug Hurst, Wild Card Technology Solutions

Ad Design

Clayton Hall Aimie Williams Sush Wong

Ad Sales

Tormaigh Van Slyke

Photography

Paul Lavoie Jenelle Lizotte Tormaigh Van Slyke

Contributors Buzz Lorenzen Caylah Lyons Mark Rieder Mary Warren Chris Zwick

FEAture

06 Best of Summer 2011 08 George Ireland and the Boxcar Social

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10506 101 St. Peace River, AB T8S 1L1 thevaultmagazine@hotmail.com (780) 624-1985 theVAULTmagazine is available free of charge at over 50 locations in the greater Peace Region every other Friday. We are funded solely through the support of our advertisers. theVAULTmagazine is published bi-weekly by Plato’s Cave Publishing.

No content herein can be reproduced without written consent of the publisher. We accept contributions provided they are the property of the contributor and are offered exclusively to theVAULTmagazine. The publisher assumes no responsibility for the return or safety of contributed materials and therefore will not be held responsible. All opinions or statements expressed do not necessarily represent those of the publisher or staff. The reader must understand that all information presented in this publication is from various sources, therefore theVAULTmagazine cannot be held responsible for any accuracy, completeness or legalities. We ask that each reader take only one copy, unless your grabbing one for your friend. That is all.

P:(780)624-1985 E:thevaultmagazine@hotmail.com

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INSIDE THE VAULT Independent Media is Alive and Well in the Peace Region CANADA’S MEDIA LANDSCAPE AND THE IMPORTANCE OF AN INDEPENDENT NEWSPAPER. Have you heard them - the dying throes of newsprint echoing through the valleys of the media landscape? If video killed the radio star then the Internet certainly killed ye olde newspaper? Then you cracked the vault and what you found was like nothing you had ever experienced before in the Peace Country. You probably have a few questions.

Primarily, who in their right mind would even consider starting a “newspaper” in the already overwhelming age of instant communication, social networking, blogging and 24-hour electronic and TV news cycles?

Based in Peace River, which already has its own community newspaper, and is surrounded by numerous communities with numerous community newspapers, and is further served by local and regional AM and FM radio as well as several urban television news broadcasters in Edmonton?

Fair questions considering the environment. So let’s consider the environment.

The fact that nearly every community with more than a thousand residents has a newspaper speaks to the importance of having a local voice. They do a good job of articulating their mantra on paper: local, timely, relevant. Our community newspapers are the best source of local news you’ll find. Their place in the community cannot

be understated. But we plan to put a hitherto unknown variable or two into the very familiar formula.

We are a wide-ranging, far-reaching, ever-evolving, multimedia, culture and counterculture-focused, independent voice for the Peace Country – not only for our artists, performers and entertainers but for our pranksters and misanthropes too, and those who generally dare to break free from the flock. We are an alternative to what you know.

We understand -- and we want everyone to understand. It’s an idealistic pursuit, to be sure, but we believe we are surrounded by enough like-minded individuals who have been underrepresented for too long -- the global citizens who want to reach out to the world and bring the world back to meet their neighbours.

To their credit, our regional newspapers are already fairly independent--small, fledgling companies that grew their brands from scratch, as are our local radio stations. But the formula is flawed, unfortunately it is also entrenched. Such a narrow focus distracts from what else is going on around us--and timeliness and relevance are terms far too subjective to be defined by an “objective” mainstream media.

And as we continue to telescope out to the region, province and country, the number of media owners gets proportionally smaller and smaller while their influence grows larger and larger.

Every medium has been gobbled up by several large corporations -- Bell, Postmedia, Quebecor, Rogers and Shaw are among the largest, and they have their fingers in most every pot.

PSST...

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On a global scale, the phonehacking controversy in Britain this summer surrounding Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation is an ominous example of the consequences of concentrated ownership. Should a “news corporation” wield enough power and influence to reach into yours and Prince William’s cell phone?

Now consider who owns what, how much of it, and what are their motives? It’s a notion worth speculating upon.

Simply put, concentrated ownership provides for fewer viewpoints and invites bias, thereby limiting editorial independence and counteracting the supposed pillar of democracy that is a free press. And it has been proven time and again that decisions made in skyscrapers many miles away do not

Congratulations Angel and Raymond

BY CHRIS ZWICK

necessarily reflect what is best for a far-away community. When things are good, things are pretty good. But when things are bad, the small tendrils of the monster are the first to be slowly and sadistically dissected, or amputated altogether -- sometimes its parts are even sent to India.

The beauty of existing in a concentrated environment is that independent, alternative media tends to sprout and thrive; filling a void you may not have even known existed. The most comparable local effort to what we intend to do, Sun Media’s short-lived, free alternative weekly ‘Ink’ out of Grande Prairie, dried up with little fanfare or controversy after about a year on newsstands. It was a nice thought but it seemed very mechanical, like it was missing

a soul. Soul is definitely one department where we do not lack.

You’re going to read about things you’ve never read about before and you’ll see things you’ve never seen before. We want to illustrate how our Peace-grown talent is affecting the world; and how the world is affecting us. We want to breach subjects that can’t properly be covered by the current alternatives. Some of it will be controversial and even taboo at times. When we see buttons, we’re going to push them. But don’t think of that as a warning – think of it as an invitation. It’s a lofty goal but this is exactly where we differ from what you know. Is it a revolution? You tell us. It’s theVAULTmagazine. It’s about damn time.

I wanna love you and treat you right I wanna love you every day and every night Is this love Bob Marley

August 13, 2011 Photography by Lyn Eldstrom

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INSIDE THE VAULT

PHOTOGRAPHY BY HOLLY CRUMPTON

Cadotte Tears it up at Annual Big Bash Demo Derby

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INSIDE THE VAULT

SECOND DAY NEWS

RAINBOW PIPELINE Oil Spill

BY MARK RIEDER

resumed operations without giving official notice.

AN ISOLATED INCIDENT OR A SYMPTOM OF ALBERTA’S AGING PIPELINE NETWORK?

The reality is the pipeline system in Alberta is aging. The Rainbow pipeline is 44 years old. The Energy Resources Conservation Board (ERCB) imposed measures after conducting an investigation. Such measures include digging up questionable sections of the pipeline, doing over flights of the pipeline rightof-way for visual inspection, and improving emergency response.

Plains Midstream Canada, the operator of the pipeline that spilled about 28,000 barrels of oil into a beaver pond near Little Buffalo, is concentrating on cleaning up their tarnished reputation.

The four-month closure had oil producers scrambling.

Imperial Oil Ltd. reported they lost $45 million in production in the three months leading up to June 30, mostly as a result of the pipeline closure, and Penn West Petroleum said it was using trucks, storage, and alternative pipelines to move its production south.

Meanwhile, Plains recently held a public information session northeast of Peace River to respond to Lubicon Lake First Nation complaints that they

Importantly, the report points to sections of the pipeline that were recently repaired but not filled in properly, causing the pipe to sag and break.

It is well known in the industry that pipeline backfilling is an extremely important aspect of construction.

But the overarching issue is these are basically the same conditions placed on Plains Midstream Canada when the southern section of the same

pipeline broke near Slave Lake back in 2006. So the ERCB has in effect ordered the company to implement some of the same practices that apparently didn’t work before.

Despite the existence of numerous similar lines in the region, ERCB says they will not change regulations dealing with pipeline safety. It would appear this oversight by the ERCB to not look into repair practices is a missed opportunity to find out if there are potential shortcomings in construction methods.

In a wider scope, the Rainbow Pipeline spill helped fuel a debate in the province and even across North America regarding the safety of oil pipeline transportation.

The Rainbow spill could not have come at a more inconvenient time for the industry.

Mere weeks after the event, politicians in the US spoke out against the proposed Keystone

XL pipeline expansion. The existing Keystone pipeline currently transports crude oil from Hardisty, Alberta to refineries in the US and has already had 12 minor spills in the last year. The proposed $7-billion expansion would see the volume increase to 830,000 barrels a day.

The controversy over this expansion proposal is two-fold.

First, many Americans are opposed to receiving oil from Alberta’s tar sands, mostly because it is more corrosive than conventional oil and the pipeline crosses many environmentally sensitive areas in the US. And secondly, many Albertans, including former Premier Peter Lougheed, say the pipeline will pump not only oil but also jobs out of Alberta.

Plains All American, the Houston-based parent of Plains Midstream, estimated during its second quarter conference call that cleanup

and remediation costs of the spill would total $72 million US. That does not take into account lost revenues.

And yet five months after the Little Buffalo spill, and five years after the spill in Slave Lake, Plains Midstream is not able to answer questions about what lessons they have gleaned from the situation. They maintain that more time is needed to properly evaluate their practices and corporate culture, one that is apparently slow to learn from past mistakes.

2011 Small Business Week The County of Northern Lights congratulates business owners within the North Peace Region for their hard work and dedication to the residents of our communities.

To find out what’s happening during Small Business Week in the County visit: CountyofNorthernLights.com or Economic Development at call 780-836-3348 ext. 229

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BEST OF SUMMER 2011 Vaughn Rocks The underground

BY TORMAIGH VAN SLYKE

Vaughn between sets.

If you have never been to an event put on by The underground Music Society then you’ve been missing out. Luckily for you, the underground is officially back with another season of high-calibre blues, rock, reggae, and funk.

Tormaigh: Tell me about your latest album?

As always, the candle-lit venue buzzed warmly with the sound of folks chatting and mingling, and volunteers pitched-in to ensure the night went smoothly. Then, the impressive 25-year-old bluesman, Tim Vaughn, and his band hit the stage.

I had a chance to meet with Tim

Tim: My latest album is called, Read Between the Lines. I did it in Vancouver. Shaun Verreault from Wide Mouth Mason produced it.

I am really happy with it. We are going to do much more from that album in the next set.

Tormaigh: Cool, I’m looking forward to it. So, where would you say your musical roots come from?

Tim: I have pretty broad tastes, but

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I have roots in the blues so that’s a big thing I try to draw from in what I do now. I am from Saskatoon and there’s this place called Buds on Broadway where guys like Wide Mouth Mason kinda got their start and Jordan Cook too.

Tormaigh: Cool, I met Jordan Cook when I was 8 years-old and he was 9.

Tim: He is a good friend of mine.

Anyway, there’d be all these blues cats who’d come down and we’d sit with them when we were really young because we were allowed in the bar on Saturday afternoons.

They would do a matinee set and

we’d sit there and learn from them.

Tormaigh: Back in the days when a kid could sit in the bar and listen to live music.

Tim: Well there you still can. Kids are allowed in there on afternoons because of the restaurant license that they have, which is pretty cool.

It nurtures a lot of young talented people who are coming up and it gets them moving quick.

Tormaigh: Who are you playing with tonight?

Tim: I’m playing with Lisa Jacobs,

she’s from Calgary, and Bryce Lemky who’s been playing with me since we were little guys.

Tormaigh: Anything else you want to add?

Tim: Yeah hopefully we’ll be in this area again soon playing, so people can check it out. I have lots of music available on iTunes and Amazon.

The next underground on Oct. 29th will feature George Ireland and the Boxcar Social.

BEST OF SUMMER 2011 No rt h WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE MEMORY OF NCF 2011?

READER SUBMITTED

Vern:

My most memorable moment from the fair was when Mamaguroove played at the end of the night on one of the side stages. I was totally sober at the time, but there was this magic in the air that got me and my friends in into some kind of maniac dancing frenzy. We literally danced until

the sun came up, and then a little bit after.

The whole NCF atmosphere was amazing.

I’m definitely going back next year and every year after

Kate: Well I still par-

tied barefoot after I tore a ligament in my right foot on an acid trip because I got on the smaller stage, and this beautiful blonde hippy chick totally redressed me in her clothes while warming mine by their fire, which weren’t even mine.

Cat: This was the 20th

anniversary of my first Fair, and having missed more Fairs than I have attended, bringing a new friend to meet my favourite people and my favourite place in the world was the best possible treat for this Fair. Seeing everyone after such a long time, it

Countr y was amazing how Sarah and I blended right in as though no time had passed. Dancing near Main stage, we ran into a friend of ours from Nanaimo, where we live now. After talking to him for about a minute, he realized that he did know us.

Since he was sure that he knew nobody there, he had first thought we were on acid and hallucinating that we knew him!

Dylan:

My all-time favorite part of the North Country Fair was dancing in the mud until the sun came up to my new favorite band, Mamaguroove.

They’re a great, diverse, and all around talented band, and were a huge inspiration on my fellow band mates, as well as myself. If you haven’t heard them yet, check ‘em out on

F a ir

Youtube. Also, the burgers were great at the beef wagon. And the mud.

Buzz: What I remem-

ber most from the north country fair this year was my friend (who I had just met) and I spent an entire day drinking. After getting outrageously drunk we grabbed a guitar and went walking into the night. We would stumble upon these unsuspecting campers and come crashing into their campsites singing and playing improvised songs. I thought of it as “guerilla musicianship”. Some was good, some was bad, people were definitely surprised and hopefully entertained. We would stay in each campsite only a few minutes and then run off into the night barking like dogs or singing some song we had just made up.

Photogra phy

By

P aul

L avoi e

BACKWATER BASH Ph o t o g rap h y

BY MARY WARREN A clash of sun and rain kicked off this year’s Backwater Bash as the independent organizers finished preparing for the youthful masses and lineup of bands.

The duel in the sky reflected some of the turmoil experienced on the earth below.

Sacrifices were made on behalf of both the organizers and the

By

Paul

bands as many of them left entertained and partied with with less money than when attendees. Feet stomped, arms they came. waved and drinks were shared in the trance like dance which Despite the disappointing takes hold when live music is overall lack of successful do- played. nations, the musicians seemed to really enjoy themselves, as When the music stopped, did organizers and the crowd. the camp fire was not short of company. The open atLights glowed in the barn mosphere promoted striking late into the night and even conversations and new enthe early morning as bands counters. The fact that all of today’s youth has not been

Lav oi e

lost to the disposable plastic culture is heartwarming to see.

itself deep into our hearts and memories. Any chaos presented was soon resolved.

In short, Backwater Bash was successful in drawing crowds of all ages despite a purposeful lack of traditional advertising.

Every experience we all shared has changed us in some way, and although Backwater Bash may have has come to its end, it will continue to exist through the stories that have been told.

For some, Backwater Bash was just a wicked party; to others, it was the atmosphere that captivated us all, burying CR AC K T H E VAULT

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THE FEATURE

The Dark Journey of George Ireland The Man, The Mystique, The Moustache Photography by Tormaigh Van Slyke and Jenelle Lizotte

BY JENELLE LIZOTTE As the story goes, an unfortunate incident with a police officer led to George fleeing his homeland.

On a frigid minus-thirty morning, Ireland and a friend were messing around on the highway just leaving Peace River. A police officer caught wind of the hijinks and stepped in to investigate. Ireland’s friend managed to escape the inquisition leaving Ireland to take the heat.

Ireland had a beer in his pocket and feared getting an open liquor ticket. As the female officer tried to apprehend Ireland for mischief, he wiggled out of her grasp and fled to Grimshaw. “When you’re at such a young age an open liquor or a beer in your pocket seems like a major thing,” explained Ireland.

Its 6 PM on a windy Thursday afternoon on Edmonton’s infamous Whyte Ave. George Ireland, Tormaigh and I strolled into Wunderbar, the site of Ireland’s first show with his band the Boxcars.

We opt for the patio as the bar is humid and sweaty. We grab some brews and choose one of the graffiti scrawled picnic tables and get to know our drinks.

Today, George Ireland is a musician, a working man, and basically a guy with his shit together. It wasn’t always this way. Ireland has gone through many metamorphic transitions in his day.

This year alone George Ireland played to many a soggy North Country Fair goer with his band the Boxcar Social, stormed his way through the Edmonton music scene (either with the Boxcars or standing in with other acts), and has been

featured on the CKUA airwaves.

This October, George Ireland and the Boxcar Social will play the underground’s Halloween bash in Peace River.

If you know George, you know that there is a sharp divide in his personality. There is George the complex and serious intellectual, then there is George the showman and jokester—but, hey, he’s got a big enough personality to house these two opposing facets.

Before George Ireland became the man who sat before me, he was a punk kid among few who rebelled against the constraints of his stereotype, he voyaged through the British Columbian landscape trying to find himself, and he found his heart, his calling in music.

As a chill hit the air Ireland waxed poetically about his past.

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This is the dark journey of George Ireland.

The Misfit years When George received his high school diploma, he and his friends spat on it and lit it on fire in front of the Peace River High School. This ceremony took place shortly before Ireland got chased out of his hometown by the police.

Ireland was a misfit in a small town.

“I was a bit of a punk rocker in Peace River. A lot of people didn’t like the way I looked. It’s easy nowadays for people to look a certain way in any small town, but I remember being the only person with dyed hair, dreads, spiked collars and wearing make-up,” said Ireland.

George was an honour student. The accomplishment here, in Ireland’s eyes, was not that he successfully

completed high school, it was more so proving to everyone that you can be a punk rocker, an iconoclast, and still excel academically.

George liked to straddle the line between academic and badass; it gave him a chance to stand up for the underdogs.

Ireland and his friends were accused of dealing drugs at school, an allegation that Ireland calls “outrageous.”

Ireland burned his diploma in protest to such allegations. “It was very liberating to me.”

When Ireland was recognized for achievements in school he would not accept the accolades. “I would not go up for [awards]. It felt like an illusion. These things aren’t real.”

Ireland’s antics eventually led to the punk rocker getting kicked out of Peace River.

He was taken into custody the next day. After being held for 12 hours and accused for assault on a police officer, Ireland recalls being threatened by a male officer as he was leaving the station. Ireland felt intimidated enough that he left town the following day. He would not return for almost a decade.

The Wanderlust Years Before George got scared out of town, he lived in a cave outside of Kamloops with nothing but a sleeping bag and a backpack. After George left the Peace Country, he bounced between BC Communities, finding solace mainly in the Kootenays and the Okanagan. Picking fruit and bumming around looking for adventure.

“I found the hippie lifestyle very peaceful. But like everything, there is always politics—even with hippies,” said Ireland.

After almost two months of cavedwelling and picking fruit, Ireland moved to swankier digs in a hostel.

This is where Ireland met Wally, an older gentleman who kept him in good spirits and taught him how to jump trains. They would travel

THE FEATURE together, keep each other company and learn from one another.

Through the extreme ups and downs, Ireland felt religious emptiness. While catching a hot meal one Sunday at the Kamloops Mustard Seed, a street church and food bank that serves up hot meals to the financially challenged, the resident priest asked the diners if they would like to pray with him. “No one was there for the sermon; we were there for the supper,” noted Ireland.

Ireland and the priest began conversing. Ireland had reminded the priest of a son that he’d lost. The priest knelt before Ireland and cried into his hands. “A man of the cloth crying into my hands like a child,” recalls Ireland. It was at that

in this skid/junkie lifestyle. While dabbling, Ireland discovered a whole new world.

He discovered the depths of depravity, and hordes of others who were also following this road to nowhere.

“I’ve seen squats that were parkades deep that you’d never imagine— how there were different ecosystems, different social structures and levels of people,” says Ireland. “The deeper you got the more weird the drugs were—huge, huge compounds of so many kids. It made me realize that there are a lot of kids just as screwed up as me.”

As Ireland reflects, he doesn’t seem embarrassed or ashamed of this dark spot in his past. He has learned from it. It is a part of who he is. “There’s

his efforts to his new conquest, “I slept in a park near her place in Coquitlam [a city in the greater Vancouver area] and I’d wake up every morning and bring her bouquets of autumn leaves and sing songs out her window while her family was at work. It was Strange, sleeping outside for days to being in some rich suburbs.”

His romantic efforts were eventually successful and he’d leave Vancouver and move to the Queen Charlotte Islands with his ladylove. “So, I spent a couple of months in the Queen Charlottes just listening to the songs of nature, having beautiful full moons and sleeping in the cabin. I would plant a garden and dig through the compost for worms to go sit on a log by the creek that

WHEN I FEEL LIKE I’M AS TWISTED AS MYSELF, MUSIC IS THE ONLY THING THAT CAN STRAIGHTEN ME. moment, Ireland realized that we’re all the same. “Every God is only a perception of what we can perceive as God.” George’s adventures eventually led him to the rugged streets of Vancouver. “I was experimenting with religion and then I found drugs,” said Ireland. “I wanted to see the streets in their ugliness.”

Just as a method actor would immerse his or herself in a role to truly understand the motivations of their character, Ireland immersed himself

no better way to jade and grow up quicker than hitting the streets alone.”

Unlike so many who have fallen into this trap, Ireland was able to break free. He’d deal with his demons another way. He fell in love.

“I remember looking up at the stars and the moon in the sky and praying that if I won her heart, I would quit doing drugs, which I did.”

After living amongst the scum and the filth, Ireland followed his heart.

A true romantic, Ireland devoted

fed into the ocean to catch fish and the otters would come up and eat my fish. It was the most beautiful thing. It was the way people were meant to live.”

stuck in one place.”

George would periodically come back to the Peace Country for a few days at a time. During one of these brief visits, he fell in love again, but he couldn’t remain in the area. “I’d always have this weight on my shoulders of the police or the system trying to get me. I’d even dream about it—the police getting me. With all my freedom, I never felt free.”

George followed his second love to Victoria. “I followed adventure and my heart all over again.” He would remain in Victoria for almost 9 years.

After pursing a long term relationship in Victoria, George realized that the ”normal life” was not for him. “I had a full time job; I was trying the normal living thing. The more I did fit in, the more taxes I paid, the more I felt that I didn’t fit in. I realized this is not my life.”

As George recounts the memories of these days there is a sparkle in his eyes.

Ireland had a decision to make. He had the life—what one is supposed to aspire to, but it didn’t fulfill him.

“I was with the girl of my dreams and I love her more than anything I’ve ever loved in my life, and I was completely out of my realm. There was something else in me. ”

As fate would have it, while in the Queen Charlottes, George had misgivings about his arrangement,” I realized that I don’t know if I could ever be really happy completely loving one person or just being

After much soul-searching, George made the brutally difficult decision of ended the long-term relationship.

Once again, George would undergo a metamorphosis. His life would change.

The Rising Star Years While in his relationship, George had recorded copious amounts of music. When his relationship ended, he would devote his life to making music. “I feel like I’ve traded the life, the wife, the kids, and everything for this—my heart and soul. This is my dream. This is all I have left.”

His many years in the Victoria music scene would pay off. He would stand in with various acts including the Secretaries from Edmonton and Victoria’s Hank and Lily.

something weird happened—he unintentionally formed a band. “I accidentally had a mandolin player, then accidentally a bass player, then a Cajon player,” speaking about his Boxcar band mates Dustin Lambert, Jarrett Armstrong and Brahm Ollivierre. “Now, I accidentally have a fiddle player and I’m expanding with musicians and they are all great musicians—I feel very honoured.”

Although it wasn’t necessarily planned, it would seem that George will stay in Alberta, “I only came home to work to gain some money to go back. I had a band waiting for me in Victoria, or many musicians waiting to play to start a band.

So, me coming for one month has developed into me not necessarily thinking about leaving outside of a visit, it almost seems unheard of,” said Ireland.

Ireland has recorded 5 complete unreleased albums, and has aspirations for a new album with the Boxcars.

For Ireland, music is a cathartic experience. It’s his time to let it all out, to tell his story. To see him perform is to understand his passion. This is truly where his heart is.

“When I feel like I’m as twisted as myself, music is the only thing that can straighten me. I’m obviously a very difficult person, very complex, but when I go onstage that’s the last thing I want to be.”

As we trace the major events in Ireland’s life to lead to the person sitting across the picnic table from me, it’s hard to say what events had the greatest impact. His journey had been tumultuous and riddled with hardships but yet Ireland perseveres.

He is a fighter, a legend, infamous.

His roots and his experiences provide the ammunition for his intense lyrics.

As we get up to leave we grab our empty glasses and stretch our legs, “Do you have anything else to add, George?”

“One plus One equals infinity,” he replies. ~~~

When George opened for Hank and Lily in January of this year

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BEST OF SUMMER 2011 NOFX IN EDMONTON

BY JENELLE LIZOTTE The last time I saw NOFX was in 2006. It was at the Warped Tour in Calgary on what seemed like the hottest day of the year. I had just fainted from heat stroke an hour or so before, but I was determined to shake it off so I could see what was one of my favorite bands at the time. Because it was Warped Tour, they only had a half hour to play, but they found a loophole by playing The Decline (an 18 minute long song) as their last song. It was amazing.

This time, my boyfriend Tormaigh and I were super stoked.

They were headlining their first AllCanadian tour in 15 years. We were able to get tickets to their show at the Edmonton Events Centre.

We regretted not leaving home earlier for the city because the band had announced on Twitter that they would be playing shinny hockey with locals at the West Edmonton Mall indoor rink. We missed it.

Bummer.

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As we took our place at the end of the longest line, it was immediately evident that our fellow concert-goers had done a lot of pregaming. We jealously snickered at their inebriated comments. I was impressed by the camaraderie of

the diverse group. NOFX has been a functioning group for 28 years, this no doubt accounts for the diversity in the attendees. An older couple getting a light off of a young punk with a bright green mohawk, scenesters bragging about shows they’ve been to and old-schoolers acting punker-than-thou.

We went through security, got patted down--the standard routine.

My cigarettes got sniffed, and my business cards got fanned (What did they think was in there?). I wondered, as I usually do, what they do with the drugs and alcohol they confiscate—staff afterparty?

We got into the venue just as the first openers, Old Man Markley, started their set. We grabbed our $6 beers and took our place in front of the stage. It wasn’t so bad as the crowd was pretty tame at this point.

The band killed it.

We missed Teenage Bottlerocket, the second opener, as we stood in line for merch for 45 minutes. It was pretty funny. If you wanted to go out for a smoke it took like 30 minutes because you had to stand in line and go back through security to re-enter, you had to wait a short lifetime to buy merch, the lines for the bathroom were disgustingly long, but if you wanted alcohol, you could have a cold one in hand

within a minute. Go figure.

As NOFX’s crew started setting up their instruments, hordes of drunken fans crowded up to the stage. The smell of sweat, beer and the grape-y smell of fresh punky colour dye permeated the air.

Adrenaline coursed through my veins as the band played the first chord to Pharmacist’s Daughter.

NOFX rocked the house playing a lot of my personal favorites: Eat the Meek, Linoleum, and a cover of Rancid’s Radio, The venue itself, however, left a lot to be desired.

There was no re-admittance shortly after NOFX started. Instead of beer bottles the venue opted for cans.

Makes sense, no broken glass. But as the crowds bought beer in droves, the bins filled up quickly and overflowed. There were cans all over the place, a huge hazard and liability for the venue. The overcrowded venue made maneuverability very difficult.

If you were in the pit, escape was a difficult task. If the crowd swayed, you swayed; if the kid next to you thrashed around, you got socked in the gut—your autonomy was slim to none.

All in all, I had a blast despite the crap venue. The band was incredible. Another one to cross off the list.

BEST OF SUMMER 2011 PeaceFest:A Symbol of our Culture

BY TORMAIGH VAN SLYKE

Now, let’s get one thing straight: PeaceFest has a lot going for it—it’s got a great history; it’s outside; it’s volunteer run; it livens up the town; and it attracts people from all over the region. Rain or shine, each year PeaceFest is an incredibly wholesome, good and happy news story. This has been repeatedly established by other media outlets, and I whole-heartedly agree with these important sentiments.

So what else is there to say?

I’d like to come clean right away. I’ve never paid for a PeaceFest ticket. Finding friends, messing around, and socializing in the streets and at several house parties has always been my PeaceFest experience, until this year. This year I got my first glimpse of an on-the-grounds PeaceFest. So I admit my biases, but whether for better or worse, I am confident several readers can relate—PeaceFest is changing.

PeaceFest used to be different.

In the old days, PeaceFest was all about the Main Street Scene (100 St. & 101 St.). In fact, as some will remember, PeaceFest’s first year, “We’re Back ’97,” housed main stage in front of River Drive Mall. According to the PeaceFest website, the music was actually brought in as an afterthought to complement a downtown business fair.

A former Peace River resident, Jesse Tutt, recalls: “I believe the idea was mine, and I did help Chris [Blake] organize the first event, but she worked with the city to get it approved since when I went to the city asking to use the baseball diamonds for a music concert, they denied my request. I was young and so I am sure they were wondering how credible I was.”

The musicians, too, used to be different in origin. For the first bunch of years, each line-up was stacked with homegrown talent.

“I was in a band at the time and even sang at the first event which was fun,” Tutt remarks.

Somewhere along the way

PeaceFest moved focus from showcasing local music to bringing in bigger acts. While this is cool, I think it’s weird not to see more musicians from around the area performing.

Festivities have moved.

Fifteen years later, things have changed, and expectedly so. As the festival continues to develop, new restrictions and opportunities present themselves.

For example, two long-time organizers recount some of the shortcomings to using Main Street—some business owners opposed the location and the street became Alberta Highway 744, and therefore, no longer a place for large crowds to gather. In turn, Riverfront Park, Athabasca Hall, and the Bingo Hall became favourable options for activities not hosted at the 12 Foot Davis Ballpark.

which led to repeated police action. Friday night was no different. Several spectators recounted watching police impulsively break up two cheerful women playing in the mud together and escorting them away.

It may be a hard question, but what does this welcomed police enforcement say about our culture?

BEASTFEST: Keeping PeaceFest on the FrontLine BEASTFEST, Frontline Snow and Skate’s mini-festival, remains as the only storefront glue joining 12 Foot Davis Park with the rest of the festivities. The innovative little outdoor arena features a mini stage and a lax skateboarding competition (free

to join).

This exemplifies a founding principle of PeaceFest: to give everyone a chance to do their thing and thereby participate in the overall event. BEASTFEST continues to be well received and supported by the public.

“BEASTFEST was initially formed 5 years ago in attempt to get the smaller local bands out in front of the public. It has since grown each year drawing in many more spectators and skaters alike to view the mayhem that is BEASTFEST. Frontline will always stay true to its roots and always support local talent,” says BEASTFEST’s organizer and owner of Frontline Snow and Skate, Mike Dalen.

“BEASTFEST 2012 will be quite a sight!”

Conclusion PeaceFest has become a symbol of our town’s culture and the culture of our region. Year after year, it is by-and-large an amazingly successful event. The organizers and volunteers do a great job and their efforts are invaluable to our community. That said, with any successful event it is important to take a critical look at where it started and where it’s going and ask, “What should we do in the future?”

Go to our website at www.thevaultmag.com at tell us what you think.

The result: there are still attractions as always—inflatable games for kids, pancakes, and even a circus theatre—but the focus on the Main Street Scene has dwindled and the gap has widened to a kilometre street-walk from the grounds to the other attractions.

Can we make use of 101 Street instead?

Beer gardens and police action.

The opportunity presented itself and I thought it was high time I join the many who have volunteered to make PeaceFest a go! I’m off for my first time to the grounds—Beer Gardens, Saturday night and it’s muddy.

All the volunteers I worked with were extremely friendly.

So were the people I served—at first. As the not-so-close-to-themusic beer gardens filled up, the number of police increased.

Within an hour or so of their gathering, a verbal disagreement between two considerably bigger young men erupted. Five police officers separated the two men and escorted them off the grounds.

This, in my opinion, set the stage. As the night went on the beer-garden crowd grew more anxious and more intoxicated, CRACK T H E VAULT

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OCT OBER Calendar

Email theVAULTmagazine to add your event. to the calendar thevaultmagazine@hotmail.com

SUNDAY, OCT

2

MONDAY, OCT

3

TUESDAY, OCT

4

WEDNESDAY, OCT

5

Zen Meditation - Fairview Arts Centre. Sundays at

Get Your Butt in Gear - Socialize while exercising and

Alcoholics Anonymous - 8pm every Tuesday and

Read Away Program - Adult reading circle (improve

10am. For more info call Eileen at 780-494-3410

having fun. McLennan Elk’s Hall. Every Monday and

Thursday at St. Paul’s United Church. For more

your reading skills). Every Wednesday from 1-2pm at

Thursday.

information call 780-624-4710

the Peace River Municipal Library. For more info call

Drop In Floor Hockey - GPRC Community Rec Centre.

Pool League Registration - 7pm at Sharks. All teams

RiverFlow - River Front Park 3-6pm. Bring your poi,

$6 without gym membership, free w/ membership.

should pre-register as soon as possible. A registration

hoops, paint, or just come and hang out! Everyone

Everyone Welcome. 5:30-7pm

fee of $200 per team, per league must be paid at

Public Free Skating - Kinsmen Arena, 5:45 - 6:35pm

780-624-4076.

Welcome.

registration time. For more info call 780-624-5007 How to Build with Habitat for Humanity - Guest Speaker Alfred nikolai, President and CEO of Habitat

Peace River Community Choir - 7-9pm. Ages 16+ in the

for Humanity, Edmonton. Senior Citizen Drop In

courtyard of Good Shepard School.

Centre. 7:30pm. FREE Sisters in Spirit - March to remember Aboriginal women who have been murdered or gone missing. Meet at River Drive Mall at 6:30, Memorial service in River Front Park at 7:30pm. Coffee and bannock to follow in the St. James Cathedral.

Alcoholics Anonymous Support Group - St. Paul’s United Church (upstairs) 7:30pm. For more information call Sharon at 780-624-8778.

Sausage making - Learn how to mix, stuff and smoke sausages w/ Paulette Pitre. $20. Register with the Grimshaw/Berwyn Community Adult Learning Centre.

780-332-1110 or email gbcals@telusplanet.net

SUNDAY, OCT

9

MONDAY, OCT

10

TUESDAY, OCT

11

WEDNESDAY, OCT

12

Zen Meditation - Fairview Arts Centre. Sundays at

Get Your Butt in Gear - Socialize while exercising and

Alcoholics Anonymous - 8pm every Tuesday and

Read Away Program - Adult reading circle (improve

10am. For more info call Eileen at 780-494-3410

having fun. McLennan Elk’s Hall. Every Monday and

Thursday at St. Paul’s United Church. For more

your reading skills). Every Wednesday from 1-2pm at

Thursday.

information call 780-624-4710

the Peace River Municipal Library. For more info call

hoops, paint, or just come and hang out! Everyone

Salvation Army Community Meal - First Baptist Church

Alcoholics Anonymous Support Group - St. Paul’s

Welcome.

at 5:30pm. Free Turkey Dinner

United Church (upstairs) 7:30pm. For more information

Heart Meditation Class - 7-8:30pm - Learn to let go

call Sharon at 780-624-8778.

of your emotional baggage and disconnect from past

RiverFlow - River Front Park 3-6pm. Bring your poi,

780-624-4076.

Drop In Floor Hockey - GPRC Community Rec Centre.

mistakes, fears, worries, burdens, and resentments with

$6 without gym membership, free w/ membership.

Wake up, Turn on, Tune in - 7-9pm - Learn techniques

Josee Boulianne. $11. Register at the Horizon Learning

Everyone Welcome. 5:30-7pm

to feel more alert and deal with stress at work and home

Centre 780-624-4220 or email admin.learning centre@

with Kortney Skaley. $40. Register at North West Peace

gmail.com

780-835-6618 or email fairviewlearning@gmail.com Mexican Cooking - 5-8pm - Make an Appetiser, entree and dessert with Molly Martin. $50. Register at the Grimshaw/Berwyn Community Adult Learning Cnetre 780-332-1110 or email gbcals@telusplanet.net

12 theVAULTmagazine

SE PTE M B E R 3 0 , 20 11

FRIDAY, SEPT

30

CKUA-TransCanada’s AB Backstage Series w/ Grant Stoval 8-9pm (Belle Centre) - FREE Octoberfest - Events begin at 5pm. (Belle Centre) Sausage eating contestt, Beer Gardens, Dance (10pm - $20/adv $25/door) and much more for more info call 780-624-8318 Craft Night at the Ground Level Youth Centre - Making Owls 4:30pm. For more info call 780-624-2162 Peace River and Dist. Music Teacher’s Assn Annual Recital (St. James Anglican Church) 7pm - $5/person, $20/family Alberta Arts Days - Square Dancing Workshop (Elk’s Hall) 7pm - FREE - For more info call Theresa 780-625-4190.

Alberta Arts Days - Gallery of Artists (Elk’s Hall) 10am-10pm (Fri, Sat, & Sun) FREE - For more info call Theresa 780-625-4190.

Alberta Arts Days - Talent and Family Night (Elk’s Hall) 7-9pm For more info call Theresa 780-625-4190.

Dinner and Dance - Doors at 6:30pm, Potluck Supper at 7:30pm McLennan Elk’s Hall

THURSDAY, OCT

6

7

FRIDAY, OCT

Alcoholics Anonymous - 8pm every Tuesday and

“Al-Anon” (Every Tuesday and Thursday) St. Paul’s

Thursday at St. Paul’s United Church. For more

United Church (8pm) 780-618-4710.

information call 780-624-4710 Manning Farmer’s Market Thanksgiving Event - Local “Get Your Butt in Gear - Socialize while exercising

farmers, growers, producers and artisans. Manning

and having fun. McLennan Elk’s Hall. Every Monday

Legion Hall from 10-1pm.

SATURDAY OCT

1

2011 Emergency Services Ball - Cocktails 5:30pm, Dinner 6:30pm. Silent Auction and DJ (Sawridge Ballroom)Tickets ($60) available at Style Ryte and Fiire Hall. For more Information call Neil at 780-624-8397 Alberta Arts Days - Reach for the Arts Night (Elk’s Hall) Doors 6:30pm, Show 7-9pm. Live performances. Tickets available at Beyond 2000. For more information call Theresa at 780-625-4190 Alberta Art’s Days - Improv Theatre Workshop (Elk’s Hall) 1pm - FREE - For more information call Theresa at 780-625-4190.

Alberta Art’s Days - Mirror and Glass Etching Workshop (Elk’s Hall) 9am - FREE - Ages 14 and up. For more information call Theresa at 780-625-4190.

New Artist Showcase Open Mic and Jam (Belle Centre) Doors at 7:30pm Show at 8pm - FREE Basic Carpentry Class w/ Ed Jaeger $75 material incl.

Take home your shelf. 10-4pm (Jaeger Residence) To register or for more info call 780-836-2664 or email mdfec@northernlakescollege.ca Water Lilies Painting w/ Bob and Carol Ross 11-4:30pm - $105 incl. supplies. For more info call 780Alcoholics Anonymous - 8pm every Saturday at the Grace United Church. For more information call 780-624-4710

SATURDAY, OCT

8

Alcoholics Anonymous - 8pm every Saturday at the Grace United Church. For more information call 780-624-4710 Composting - Hands-on. Learn to make high nutrient compost. $22. Register at the Horizon Learning Centre.

780-624-4220 or email admin.learningcentre@gmail. com

and Thursday.

Drop In Volleyball - GPRC Community Rec Centre. $6 Pool League Registration - 7pm at Sharks. All teams

without gym membership, free w/ membership. 7-9pm.

should pre-register as soon as possible. A registration

Everyone Welcome.

fee of $200 per team, per league must be paid at registration time. For more info call 780-624-5007 College and University Fair - St. Thomas Moore School. 1:30 - 3:30pm. Everyone Welcome. For more info call 780-835-2245

McLennan grimshaw

THURSDAY, OCT

13

FRIDAY, OCT

14

SATURDAY, OCT

15

Get Your Butt in Gear - Socialize while exercising and

“Al-Anon” (Every Tuesday and Thursday) St. Paul’s

Alcoholics Anonymous - 8pm every Saturday at the

having fun. McLennan Elk’s Hall. Every Monday and

United Church (8pm) 780-618-4710.

Grace United Church. For more information call

Thursday.

Peace river fairview

780-624-4710 Drop In Volleyball - GPRC Community Rec Centre. $6

Alcoholics Anonymous - 8pm every Tuesday and

without gym membership, free w/ membership. 7-9pm.

Thursday at St. Paul’s United Church. For more

Everyone Welcome.

manning

information call 780-624-4710 Information Session on MANGO (A self-directed foreign language program) Learn at your own pace with Linda Chmilar. FREE. Register at the Grimshaw/ Berwyn Community Adult Learning Centre. Call 780332-1110 or email gbcals@telusplanet.net

CRAC K T H E VAULT

theVAULTmagazine

13

ENTERTAINMENT

14 theVAULTmagazine

BY CHRIS ZWICK

Fall TV Line Up

Dexter, Showtime, Sunday If you don’t watch Dexter, you’ve already missed five whole seasons of the best show on TV. It’s a show about a serial killer who hunts and kills other serial killers – for the greater good.

His life is further complicated by the fact we works as blood-spatter analyst for Miami Metro PD. His sister is also a high ranking detective for the same agency. On the surface, Dexter is satisfying to those just looking for a really good drama on a Sunday evening. The real beauty of the series though is Dexter’s constant internal conflict as he struggles to maintain his strict ethical code of killing, while also dealing with his “dark passenger.” Having always touched on the question of free will and what it is to be human, the new season, starting October 2 on Showtime, will reportedly introduce a religious motif that will thread itself through upcoming new episodes.

South Park, Comedy Central/ Comedy Network, Wednesday If you thought the new season of South Park was unusually short with a meager seven episodes, fear not, there will be another seven episodes to finish season 15 of the crudest, smartest and funniest cartoon ever, including the conclusion of the two-part episode “You’re Getting Old.” When we last left the tiny mountain town of South Park, Colorado, Stan’s parents had finally decided to get divorced after realizing they actually hated each other. It’s an after-school special waiting to happen, but with this show’s history, your jaw will likely drop to the floor before the end of the episode. It’s the only show that consistently pushes the envelope and tells it like it is. With recent titles like “HumancentiPad” and “Crack Baby Athletic Association,” there’s no doubt upcoming new episodes will be as controversial and hilarious as those that preceded them.

The Amazing Race, CBS/CTV, Sunday The Amazing Race was arguably the best reality show on TV at one time; you could actually learn something - mostly how ignorant some people are of the world they live in. But predictably enough it has now devolved into the vapid mess that is all reality television. Now more personality-driven then educational and interesting, this years big stars include two winners of Survivor, two Olympic snowboarders, an ex-NFL football player, the youngest person to ever sail around the world, a set of twins and some flight attendants. This year’s race will cover 20 countries and about 64,000 km and will introduce a new penalty – The Hazard. The new season started Sept. 25 with teams travelling to Taiwan where they visited an 8th Century Buddhist temple and got to ride an elephant. Neat!

Two Broke Girls, CBS/CityTV, Monday The series premiere of Two Broke Girls debuted Sept. 19 to decent reviews from critics. But I thought it was funnier than most gave it credit for. The show focuses on the life of two 20-something women trying to raise enough money to open their own cupcake shop while working as waitresses in a Brooklyn restaurant. The new show on CBS infuses humour into underlying themes of class, race, and gender and should succeed in appealing to a wide audience, at least to those who can handle an inappropriate joke or two. Two Broke Girls can be seen Mondays on CBS, and is one of two new shows from creator and producer Whitney Cummings, who you might know for her role in many Comedy Central roasts. The other, Whitney, airs Thursdays on NBC.

House, FOX/Global, Monday Word has it this may be the last season of FOX’s drug, depression and disease-driven medical drama House. If it is, I predict a brutal and torturous end to the life of the troubled Dr. House. Not a bold statement after the moody and manipulative yet brilliant diagnostic doctor finally drove his on-and-off-again girlfriend not only from his life but from the show altogether last season. The new season, starts Oct. 3 on FOX and will pick up a whole year after House nearly ran over his best friend and crashed a car into his ex-girlfriend’s home.

Oh, and he’ll be in jail. Season 8 is being billed as a season that will see House pay for his prior misdeeds. As far as karma goes, one would think he’s saved enough lives to do whatever he wants, but I guess we’ll have to watch to find out.

SE PTE M B E R 3 0 , 20 11

ENTERTAINMENT Buzz’s Summer Blockbus ter Reviews Didn’t like: Lead-ins to a yet- space I’m not really interested in to-come Avengers movie feel romance. more like a commercial than an integral part of an amazingly inFavorite scene: Optimus vs. spiring story.

Sentinel! Battle of the primes!

Didn’t like: The lack of some of Rise of the Planet of the Apes the amazing talent from the first Cars, such as Paul Newman and (Director: Rupert Wyatt - James George Carlin, was felt deeply. Franco, Andy Serkis)

Favorite scene: Mater and the Favorite scene: Little Steve “pistachio ice cream” Cars 2 Rogers standing in front of the mirror that makes him look like (Director: John Lasseter & Brad Harry Potter and the Deathly a soldier, and him being too Hallows part 2 Lewis - Owen Wilson & Larry short too properly see. the Cable Guy) Captain America: The First Avenger (Director: David Yates - Daniel Transformers: Dark of the Moon Radcliffe, Emma Watson) Cars 2 is a fast paced, action/ (Director: Joe Johnston - Chris adventure, spy movie.

No, really Evans, Hugo Weaving) (Director: Michael Bay it is.

The final installment of the epic Shia LeBeouf, Rosie Harry Potter series takes on a At first I wondered if the origin Huntington-Whiteley) Taking place several years after distinctly darker tone than most of Captain America was really the original, Cars 2 steers clear of the fairly child-friendly series. a story that would interest me, In this third installment of the of the sentimentality and nostal- Death Eaters and Dark magic, (as an avid comic book reader I Transformer franchise we see gia that dominated throughout with an ending that surprised have read his origin more times deep conspiracies, tons of action, the first, taking instead a more even this critic. than I care to count) but the and a very eye pleasing replacecomedic approach. artistic team behind this blockLiked: Voldemort’s nose (or lack buster took an old story in a new ment for Megan Fox. Esthetically, this movie looks amazing. With The story focuses this time on the thereof ) direction.

CGI robots and special effects irrepressible character Tow-Mater and his exploits in the world of Didn’t like: What do mean it’s This film held me captive galore, it is hard to look away. espionage. With tons of action, over? throughout. In my opinion, easily the best so far of the Marvel Liked: Giant robots from outer racing, and some really funny space! jokes, this movie is well worth Favorite scene: Harry rising movies. watching. to give old Voldy what he’s had Didn’t like: Too much focus on coming!

Liked: Amazing cinematography. the human characters.

When I Liked: Larry the Cable Guy. The scenes looked like they were ripped right out of a comic book. watch a movie about robots from

In this prequel we see the beginnings of the planet of the apes story. In a distinctly anti-human way it can be seen as a cautionary tale about the dangers of genetic engineering. The apes become more and more like us and we are shown that what really separates us from the animals is only our intelligence.

Liked: The human qualities bestowed upon the CGI apes were amazing. By the end of the film I was emotionally attached to the ape characters more than the humans.

Didn’t like: Anti-human story?

Come on guys root for the home team!

Favorite scene: “Get your filthy paws off me you damn, dirty ape.” “NO!”

theVAULTmagazine CRACK T H E VAULT

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15

ARTS Artist Feature: Artists Directory

Amanda Denison

BUZZ LORENZEN Musician (crazy music ranging from ballads to theme songs for theoretical cartoon characters, from science fiction rock operas to reggae protest songs) drbuzzmd@yahoo.com

CAROLYN GERK Pencil, Acrylic, & Watercolor (Portraits, landscapes, still life, children’s decor, murals, personalized items, decorative art and gifts. Requests welcome) 780-625-1215 carolyn.2345@hotmail.com FB: Creative Design by Carolyn

MARY WARREN Graphite & Ink (Realistic to animated, I enjoy working with nearly all mediums and art forms.

I also dabble in clothing design.) sickyslimys@hotmail.com

Musician (Guitar, Bass, Piano, Vocals. Band: A New Direction. Teaches Song Writing, Jams, Available for events.)

780-624-2693 nervedge1984@live.com

[From Top to Bottom] [Raven] Oil Paint (36” x 48”). Sold

Oil, Acrylic, & Watercolour (Landscapes, abstract, mixed media) 780-625-1794 ahammerberg@yahoo.com FB: Paintings by Ariana

[The Cure] Oil Paint. Based on a National Geographic article, 2000.

Madagascar rosy periwinkle (the flower shown) is used to make the chemotherapeutic drug, Vincristine, which has helped increase the long-term survival rate for childhood leukemia to more than 90 per cent. Not for Sale

Are you an artist or musician who would like to be featured in theVAULTmagazine’s Artist Directory? Email us your info at thevaultmagazine@hotmail.com

Next time you’re coming home from a long day of whatever it is you do, there is a good chance Amanda Denison, 41, will be in her woodheated art studio bringing ideas to life. Denison is an artist to the core.

“Sometimes it pisses you off, or hurts your feelings, or it makes you feel sick. It is supposed to do that. It is supposed to slap your face,” Amanda said expressively.

“Sometimes colours do it to me. I have felt that way about paintings and it was only the colour; it was not the content. It can be so dark.”

On a crisp afternoon, five days before the autumnal equinox, I spent an afternoon talking about life and art with Amanda Denison and her beau, Terry Greaves, in her studio east of St. Isidore.

SUSAN THOMPSON

ARIANA HAMMERBERG

at odds with.

Since the birth of her first child in 1997, she hasn’t let go of her ambition to be a professional artist. Now it’s finally happening. Last year in September, Denison traded in conventional employment to devote all her time to her trade.

VERNON LEDGER

Dancer (Belly dance, fire dance, fire fans, palm torches, LED fans, choreographed or freestyle, go-go dancing) vantom@xplornet.com FB: Sisu Belly Dancer

BY TORMAIGH VAN SLYKE

[Blue Mood] Charcoal & acrylic (done completely by hand). “I did it in charcoal and then I painted it over afterward because I saw shapes of a woman in it.”

For Sale

16 theVAULTmagazine

SE PTE M B E R 3 0 , 20 11

“I’ve done some great stuff in my life but I always fizzle out. You know why?” She rubs her fingers together in a familiar gesture, “The almighty buck. It gets me every time. So this time I am going for grants and I am really going to work my a** off.”

As I surveyed the room, my eyes were taken by the range and the striking complexity of colours in the collection before me—lifelike and awe-inspiring portraits of various people and characters, intimate wildlife scenes, a naked blue woman, and abstract art that is nearly impossible to accurately describe.

For several minutes, oil-painted canvases became soulful windows and I peered into my own undefined philosophies on reality. I told her that I am drawn to art that makes me feel something that I am

Photography, silversmithing, pottery, and vehicle mechanics are supplementary art forms for Amanda, but painting is her true passion.

“I’ve painted with every medium.

I would almost say that I would have been a master watercolour painter, but I always wanted to paint in oils like my mom.” Amanda looked me with a glint in her eye and comfortably slowed her pace stating, “Once I did it, I fell in love with it that very day. It was like painting with butter.”

By this time, Amanda’s boyfriend Terry had joined us in the studio with a hot pot of coffee and cookies. The chemistry between the two was plain to see. They explained that they sometimes lose track of time in the studio as they paint together deep into the night—even sleeping in the sanctuary at times.

Amanda and Terry are currently raising 7 children together. Amanda expressed her love for teaching youth. “It’s magical to be taught how to paint.” Amanda believes that teaching kids how to paint can be a way to help boost young people’s self-esteem.

Currently, Amanda is planning to

teach a charcoal class at the High School with one of her mentors Trudy Plaizier.

Amanda and Terry told me about their recent experience taking in the Whyte Ave Art Walk, an outdoor studio and gallery where artists are encouraged to practice their craft onsite. The Art Walk provides affordable exposure for artists and promotes the appreciation and understanding of art as well as encourages patrons to support local artists.

Amanda suggests that this kind of community appreciation is lacking in the Peace Region. “There are so many talented artists in the Peace Country; it’s unreal. They’re not very well recognized either. Artists in Peace River need more support from the local people. We need more support, more opportunities. It’s not a one-way street either; it’s going to bring revenue to our town.”

Denison’s future as a professional artist looks promising. She has sold her work locally, has been featured in several locations on Whyte Ave, and is in talks to illustrate a book for a Dene owned production company. “I want to expand and show more. I want to be really out there in the public eye steady so nobody forgets about me.”

As our interview drew to a close, Amanda passed on some words of wisdom and told me something that I never want to forget: “Men never trip over mountains. They only trip over small pebbles and rocks. So don’t let that scare you.”

LIFESTYLE How to avoid meat on a hectic schedule

BY MARK RIEDER BEING A VEGETARIAN ON THE GO

I’ve been a vegetarian off and on for the last five years and I have to admit, it is especially difficult to maintain the lifestyle.

It takes a real commitment to pass up those dead animals that most of us have been eating from infancy … let alone the rolled eyes or scoffs from the meat eaters when I order vegetarian in some of the local restaurants.

I went through a stage in my late teens and early twenties when the only vegetable I would eat was potatoes, and occasionally lettuce … on a burger.

So going vegetarian was a shocker for a lot of my friends.

Whether it’s for religious, personal or health reasons, being vegetarian or vegan means having to take special measures to get a fast and tasty meal.

So, I sometimes break my commitment to not eat meat, especially when time is a factor.

After all, is there ever enough time?

So for those who are tourists like me, and find it difficult to maintain the vegetarian lifestyle, I have a few recommendations to make it easier.

The basics Rice, the building block of vegetarian meals. I have come to like brown basmati rice, it has a nutty flavour and a texture I really like. Also, the outer

shell contains vitamin B-1 or thiamine. Back in the 19th century, many poor Asian people contracted beriberi, a thiamine deficiency caused by eating nothing but white rice. There are better ways to get thiamine in the diet, but brown rice helps.

I often add finely chopped basil, green onion, tomato and some olive oil to the rice. And for those who are really into experimenting with rice, I suggest something like lentil and rice pilaf, a Lebanese recipe that has cinnamon and other spices that is to die for.

In fact, if it wasn’t for Lebanese cooking, I would probably give up being a vegetarian completely.

Secrets of the Levant Four of my favourite dishes have their beginnings in the Middle East. There’s Tabouleh – a parsley salad with bulgar wheat and spices that is best eaten pinched between a leaf of Romaine lettuce; there’s Falafel – made with chick peas and deep fried; or Hummus – a dip that goes perfectly with Falafel; and the lentil and rice pilaf mentioned earlier.

Now these dishes all take a lot of prep time, but it is well worth the extra effort and it’s less work than most other high-end vegetarian and vegan dishes.

The closest thing to meat Okay, I’m going to say it . . . Tofu. Most complaints are about the texture. I didn’t like it

either at first, but my tastes have changed. I recommend trying it again because it really is flexible. It can be steamed, baked or stir-fried with excellent results.

The secret is of course, adding flavour.

And now the bad news

For those new to cooking tofu, simply place the tofu block on three or four layers of paper towel, place something heavy on it (I use a heavy frying pan) for an hour or so to squeeze the water out.

Tempeh, Miso and seaweed is said to contain it but it‘s unreliable and is not always present, so for vegetarians there is no natural source. B-12 is actually made by some bacteria that live in animals.

To add the flavour, marinate it in sauce overnight. I like a peanut satay if I’m stir-frying, and a mango curry if I’m steaming. I’m not a great fan of baking, but I think tandoori or hoisin sauce is okay. A lot of people use soy sauce, but I think it’s too salty.

It is highly recommended that vegetarians find reliable source of B-12 because a deficiency can cause anemia and irreversible nerve damage.

Oh yeah, and use vegetables The global economy has one advantage, in Canada we can get pretty much any fresh fruit or vegetable at any time of year, and what a variety.

A lot of people boil their vegetables and when they’re done, they throw the flavour down the sink. The reality is that most of the flavour is lost in the water.

That’s why I prefer to steam, sauté or stir-fry vegetables.

I like trying new vegetables, even if I don’t really know what they are. When in doubt, I sauté them with a pinch of salt or maybe brown sugar and they’re usually pretty good.

The only real disadvantage of being vegetarian is the absence of vitamin B-12. This vitamin is only found in meat, and some cereal and fortified soy milk.

all the food-oriented television stations, there are unending options to the wannabe vegetarians and vegans out there. Be adventurous, be creative and don’t try to mix too many things together and the amazing flavours of fresh vegetables can easily replace meat.

"Eco-conscious products & services that honor the body, spirit & earth.”

Of course, there’s always pizza I love making pizza. A great recipe uses honey instead of sugar (vegans can ignore this) and multigrain flour. For me, it ~Products are~ isn’t pizza unless it has sautéed *Natural *Organic mushrooms and onions. And the *Fair Trade *Hand Made variety of both these vegetables is amazing, even in small-town ~Services are~ Alberta. I think Portobello *Yoga mushrooms and red onions are *Reiki best. Add some spinach and in*Massage stead of tomato sauce, try pesto *Body Talk sauce. Again not for vegans, just *Accutonics *Hypno-therapy a little bit of strong cheese like *Vibrational Healing asiago or feta can go a long way. *Crystal & Color Healing I put the tomatoes on after cooking the pizza because I like them *Osho Zen Tarot Consultation raw. Drizzle a little balsamic vinegar reduction on top and it’s good to go.

10004 Main Street Peace River, AB. The reality is that with all the foods available at the local stores and farmers markets and the Ph/Fax: 780-624-8838 recipes available online and on

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LIFESTYLE & ADVICE COLUMN

diet & exercise

BY CHRIS ZWICK Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be one of the epitomized fat people on TV? If yours was one of the bulbous, bouncing bodies being filmed from the neck down for B-roll of a newscast about obesity to be featured on the evening news?

They don’t even have to ask your permission because they’re not technically identifying you. And chances are that footage will be recycled for future stories about bad health and obesity. You might even go national. Your gut will be a superstar, because if you haven’t noticed, the number of those stories is growing to the point where there’s almost one

on every hourly newscast.

I was sprawled out on the couch in my underwear the other night, doing my best beached-whale impression thinking about the results of some recent blood work I received.

My sodium and sugar levels are good, no diabetes; cholesterol is spot-on; no glandular issues to speak of; everything is working as it should. The prognosis - I’m a FAT-ASS. Over the last few years I’ve seen several doctors and tried many methods to decrease my blood pressure readings. I have extreme hypertension. So extreme I have to make a point of telling each new doctor I meet

that I am not on cocaine and I am not about to explode. I’ve tried several medications and even purchased a CPAC machine to help with my sleep apnea to make sure my heart gets enough oxygen at night. I feel fine but nothing has really helped. Did I mention I continue to smoke, eat bad food and get very little exercise?

I’ve been smoking roughly a pack of cigarettes every day for 16 years, more than half my life.

I’ve quit a few times over the years, one time for five whole months. But I always start again.

It makes a strong-willed person weak and can really mess with your head. Cigarettes are the

worst thing ever. It truly is a slow suicide. Apparently, if I stop smoking my BP could drop up to 30 points, but I am an addict, and saving my own life apparently isn’t even enough incentive to stop. It’s super messed-up.

I work all day. I shouldn’t have to spend any of the three or four hours of free time I have in a day to exercise. It’s bullshit! I want to watch TV, play video games and stalk people on Facebook in my free time. I did take-up rollerblading for a short time, but even under the cover of night, I just felt way too effeminate to continue. I could never join a gym; my pride gets the best of me every time I consider it, and

I really can’t afford it anyway. I’m poor, my paycheck goes almost entirely to rent and bills and cigarettes. And so-called “good food” is really expensive too.

A real health columnist would tell you that when the beef and cheese and cigarettes finally lose their novelty, there is another way - apparently. I’m obviously the last one who should be telling you about it as I most likely would have been voted least likely to write a health column in high school, if my high school had voted for such things. So if you think you can write a better health column contact theVAULTmagazine for submission information.

Max's Hardcore Advice

theVAULTmagazine

Yeah, Max. I want to Max, my partner says I become a musician. Where should try to spice things do I start? up in the bedroom. Where should I start?

The first thing that you gotta realize is that musicians Yeah, ok, does your partner are just a**holes who don’t want spice or does she want wanna do any real work but someone else’s co*k? Sounds still wanna get laid. All you to me like she just wants any really gotta do is buy a guitar excuse to not be into you. My case and act like a dick. Why advice? Dump the bi**h and waste the time learning how go get your self a slut who just to play when all you want is wants it. the pu**y?

-Max, Hardcore -Max, Hardcore People at work don’t appreMax, I’m a nervous person. ciate me and quitting is not Any tips on how to get over an option. What should I my anxiety? do?

Smoke weed. Next.

-Max, Hardcore

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or your precious feelings get hurt than you had best off yourself before you drown in your own pathetic tears.

-Max, Hardcore I planning to get away from it all this winter. Where should I go?

Getting away from what?

Sounds like a pu**y move to me. Where should you go?

Go fu** yourself, how ‘bout that?

-Max, Hardcore

Got a question for Max? Put down your purse and Send them in to suck it up princess. Life is all about takin sh*t from some thevaultmagazine@hotmail.com a**hole, if you cant handle it

LOCAL TALENT A SHORT STORY BY CAYLAH LYONS

Change is Inevitable My best friend is in love with summer.

Not just that he loves summer.

He is in love with summer. If he could marry summer, I’m sure he would.

He says his single favourite thing about it is the intensity of colour. Winter does have a rather irritating habit of making the world look as if it’s constructed from ashes and bad photocopies.

We were sitting in the park near Main Street, admiring the way the sun glinted off the drops of water spewing from the fountains. The grass beneath us was emerald and cool, overnourished from the spillover from the fountains. I was wearing flip-flops, which was unusual in any season, and he was wearing shorts, also unusual for him.

napping in the sun, sitting by the river, and there’s still time to go home and chill on the roof for a while.”

I knew exactly what he meant, it was a good feeling to go home after a long day and cool off on the roof.

“This brilliant sun,” he continued, “is what makes us able to walk right outside in whatever we’re wearing and stroll down the road to the shop to get popsicles.”

This was also true, that was a huge perk for me too.

“Not to mention, transportation is much easier; rollerblading, skateboarding, scooters, and simple walking is much better in the summer.”

in a voice that suggested this was quite preposterous.

“I mean, don’t you love the smell of Halloween? Like the smell of frost mixed with dead leaves and grass clippings?

Knowing about the fun of dressing up and getting free candy, and the adventure of it all. Even if you’re not trick-or-treating age anymore-” “You went trick-or-treating until you were eighteen.”

“That’s beside the point.

What about Halloween parties at school? I know every senior high student missed them in some fashion. Getting out of class to run around the gym in your costume, playing games, pumpkin raffles…”

“Granted… that is pretty awesome.”

“It’s the sun,” he said, abruptly.

“Running through sprinklers.”

I offered, and he nodded sagely.

“Hm?” I asked, lazy and detached from basking in the aforementioned sun.

“That too. I understand why people are so eager to live in a place with everlasting summer.”

“The sun is what makes summer so great. Summer sun is a different sort. It stays longer, for one. Our days can be packed, with park visits, swimming, eating ice creams, playing on the elementary school playground,

“Right, and it wouldn’t be as awesome in a world of everlasting summer. And that’s just autumn! Winter has huge benefits too!”

“I dunno.” I scratched my cheek, where a mosquito bit me that morning. “I think it’d be weird to live in a place without seasons. I’d get bored.”

“Oh…?” He didn’t look pleased at the prospects of winter.

The Plea Water cascades down my fragile lily back, washing away the scents of midnight. I almost expect the water to turn black as sweat filled nicotine dreams swirl down the drain. Reflecting on the past week makes me wince and feel like dissolving into a liquid; disappearing and travelling along the rusting pipes.

Murder does that to people with some form of sanity.

More so if it’s accidental.

Anyone with half a con-

“Bored of summer?” he asked,

on snow, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Christmas, New Years, snow angels, and winter food!”

“Winter food?”

“Turkeys and ham, mashed potatoes, stuffing, lasagna, and other baked deliciousness.

Occurrences of these types of food increases in winter on account of it being warming and delicious.”

“Fair point.” His stomach growled.

We elected to walk to the shop to get some cold cut sandwiches, and on the way continued our discussion.

“Winter also has the benefit of no insects.” I scratched my face, exacerbating the bug bite.

“And animals are usually calmer

because they get fat and get more fur.”

“I think that’s just your obese cats.”

“Anyway! After winter comes spring, which brings with it the promise of the joys of summer.

And the cycles go on and on, ensuring no one gets bored.”

“You do make a good point. I still prefer summer.” He grabbed a sandwich from the cool bin.

“Preference is fine, just remember, change is inevitable.”

We approached the checkout till.

“Uh… speaking of change… can you lend me a fiver? All I’ve got is 37 cents.”

He sighed, and plunked a tenner in my hand. “I figure this is worth all your thoughts.”

“Snowball fights, ice skating, snow forts, eating syrup

A SHORT STORY BY MARY WARREN scious would be haunted.

Wouldn’t they? I wonder about the meaning of consciousness. I don’t think I have a full one, at least not a moral one.

Rules of society only seem to apply when it suits me.

I’m a user. I use and use until you have nothing left to give. A leech of society, I latch on and drain everything from you; your time, your money, your trust.

Perhaps if I had been an actor I could have made a

killing. If I were an actor, I would avoid the killing.

Being a parasite isn’t so bad; it’s the thought of getting caught that sickens me. I haven’t eaten in a week. Either I’ll die of starvation, be caught or become indifferent once again. At least at my trial I can plead insanity; insanity, where I can go until I am cured; insanity, where I can be treated by people like me. If I’m caught, at least I can plead insanity...

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BY DR. DEBBY HERBENICK When I was dating my last girlfriend, sexual intercourse was very long and pleasurable for both of us. She was able to experience multiple orgasms every time we had sex. Now that the relationship has ended and I’m having sex with other women, my stamina continues to last very long and it’s bothering the women I have sex with, and I’m left to encourage them to have another orgasm while some are accusing me of not finding them sexy enough to ejaculate. I’m hearing that some women just need one orgasm to have a happy sex life and that not all enjoy long sessions of sex. What is the percentage or ratio of woman that need one orgasm to have a happy sex life in contrast to those who enjoy multiple?

Although men vary in terms of how long they enjoy spending having sex, I would venture to guess – although I have seen no data on the topic – that while women vary, they probably vary a little bit less than men do, at least in terms of how long they would like to spend having vaginal intercourse. This is because vaginal intercourse can be a more painful experience for women than men, in large part because by definition vaginal penetration involves women’s bodies being penetrated and often thrust into over and over again.

For many women, vaginal penetration is highly pleasurable. Many women enjoy long sessions of vaginal intercourse. However, many are quite satisfied with 5 or 10 minutes of vaginal intercourse, in spite of what is often portrayed in Hollywood movies and mainstream porn moves. In one recent study that I conducted with my team at Indiana University, we found that about 30% of women experienced pain during the most recent time they had sex. This compared to about 5% of men experiencing pain during their most recent sex act.

Certainly longer periods of sex may bring about more chances for discomfort or pain, especially if lubrication runs low at any point. Speaking of which, in this same study we found that about 1/3 of women – even young women in their early 20s – experienced difficulties with vaginal lubrication during their most recent sex act.

We don’t know the ratio of women who want or need one orgasm to feel satisfied with sex compared to those who enjoy multiple orgasms, or even no orgasms. And while I understand your curiosity, I’d also like to suggest that the more important issue is what do you enjoy and what do the women you are having sex with enjoy?

If you typically have sex that lasts for a long time, try keeping water-based lubricant nearby so that you can help make penetration for comfortable and pleasurable. Also, pay attention to your partner’s experience. If she looks uncomfortable or bored, check in with her. Make sure that you are engaging in sex in ways that she finds pleasurable rather than going forth with sex on auto-pilot, without attention to what she likes.

Oddities

According to the Guinness Book of World Records, the world’s smallest full grown horse is 17 inches tall. The average height at birth is 21 inches.

The ancient Greeks called our galaxy the Milky Way because they thought it was made from the breast milk of Greek goddess Hera.

Bad Predictions: Who the hell wants to hear actors talk? [H. M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927]

Also, does sex last a long time because you want it to or because you are unable to ejaculate more quickly, even when you want to? Some men experience delayed or inhibited ejaculation and may find it difficult, if not impossible, to ejaculate even after 45 minutes or longer of thrusting. For some men, this occurs only during vaginal intercourse or oral sex. For others, this occurs during masturbation as well. If you would like to learn to ejaculate more quickly, try varying your masturbation routine so that you masturbate with lubricant or lotion sometimes but not others, using different hand positions, rhythms and so on. Wearing a vibrating condom ring may also be helpful as might using a more intense vibrating sex toy together with your partner or meeting with a sex therapist to discuss any concerns you may have in this area. I hope this is helpful.

“Radio has no future. Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible. X-rays will prove to be a hoax.” [William Thomson, Lord Kelvin, British scientist, 1899]

Dr. Debby Herbenick is a sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute, a research scientist at Indiana University and author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction and Read My Lips: A Complete Guide to the Vagina and Vulva. Find our blog, sex information and archived Q&A at www.KinseyConfidential.org.

Turkey vultures sometimes eat so much they can’t take off again.

KINSEY CONFIDENTIAL IS A SERVICE OF THE KINSEY INSTITUTE. FOR MORE GOOD SEX INFORMATION, PODCASTS, OR TO SUBMIT A QUESTION, VISIT US ONLINE AT WWW.KINSEYCONFIDENTIAL.ORG.”

“With over 50 foreign cars already on sale here, the Japanese auto industry isn’t likely to carve out a big slice of the U.S. market.” [Business Week, August 2, 1968] “Theoretically, television may be feasible, but I consider it an impossibility--a development which we should waste little time dreaming about.” [Lee de Forest, 1926, inventor of the cathode ray tube] Over 4 million cars in Brazil are now running on gasohol instead of petrol. Gasohol is a fuel made from sugar cane.

The Amazon “Jesus Christ lizard” can run across water.

According to National Geographic Magazine, the Golden Poison Dart Frog is one of the most toxic animals on Earth. On 2 inch tall frog has enough venom to kill 10 grown men.

“If this were a dictatorship, it would be a heck of a lot easier - so long as I’m the dictator.” [GEORGE BUSH]

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Free Will Astrology ARIES (March 21-April 19): I’ve got a challenging assignment for you. In accordance with your current astrological omens, I am inviting you to cultivate a special kind of receptivity -- a rigorously innocent openness to experience that will allow you to be penetrated by life’s beauty with sublime intensity. To understand the exact nature of this receptivity, study Abraham Maslow’s definition of real listening: to listen “without presupposing, classifying, improving, controverting, evaluating, approving or disapproving, without dueling what is being said, without rehearsing the rebuttal in advance, without free-associating to portions of what is being said so that succeeding portions are not heard at all.”

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Government officials in Southern Sudan are proposing to build cities in fantastic shapes. They say that the regional capital of Juba would be recreated to resemble a rhinoceros, as seen from the air. The town of Yambio is destined to look like a pineapple and the city of Wau will be a giraffe.

I’m confused by all this, since I know that most of the people in South Sudan live on less than a dollar a day. Is that really how they want their country’s wealth spent? Please consider the possibility, Taurus, that there are also some misplaced priorities in your own sphere right now. Hopefully they’re nothing on the scale of what’s happening in South Sudan, but still: Allocate your resources with high discernment, please.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): You have cosmic clearance to fall deeply, madly, and frequently in love, Gemini.

In fact, it’s OK with the gods of fate and the angels of karma if you swell up with a flood of infatuation and longing big enough to engorge an entire city block. The only stipulation those gods and angels insist on is that you do not make any rash decisions or huge life changes while in the throes of this stupendous vortex. Don’t quit your job, for instance, or sell all your belongings, or dump your temporarily out-of-favor friends and loved ones. For the foreseeable future, simply enjoy being enthralled by the lush sexy glory of the liquid blue fire.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Among the surprises spilled

by WikiLeaks some months back was the revelation that U.S. diplomats think Canadians feel “condemned to always play ‘Robin’ to the U.S. ‘Batman.’” If that’s true, it shouldn’t be. While Canada may not be able to rival the war-mongering, plutocrat-coddling, environmentdespoiling talents of my home country America, it is a more reliable source of reason, compassion, and civility.

Are you suffering from a similar disjunction, Cancerian?

Do you imagine yourself “Robin” in relationship to some overweening “Batman”? This would be an excellent time to free yourself of that dynamic.

by Rob Brezsny © Copyright 2011

FOR THE WEEK OF SEPT 29 TO OCT 5

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): “Enigmatology” is an infrequently-used word that means the study of puzzles and how to solve them. I’m invoking it now to highlight the fact that you need to call on some unusual and idiosyncratic and possibly even farfetched resources as you intensify your efforts to solve the puzzles that are spread out before you. The help you’ve called on in the past just won’t be enough for this new round of gamesmanship.

The theories and beliefs and strategies that have brought you this far can’t take you to the next stage.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): This would not be a good time for you to read the book called The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Enhancing Self-Esteem. In fact, it will never be the right time to read it. While it’s true that at this juncture in your life story you can make exceptional progress in boosting your confidence and feeling positive about yourself, you’re not an idiot and you don’t need idiot-level assistance. If there was a book called The Impish Guide to Accessing and Expressing Your Idiosyncratic Genius, I’d definitely recommend it. Likewise a book titled The Wild-Eyed Guide to Activating Your Half-Dormant Potential or The Brilliant Life-Lover’s Guide to Becoming a Brilliant Life-Lover.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): “When I was born,” said comedian Gracie Allen, “I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.” I suspect you will soon be experiencing a metaphorical rebirth that has some of the power of the event she was referring to. And so I won’t be shocked if you find it challenging to formulate an articulate response, at least in the short term. In fact, it may take you a while to even register, let alone express, the full impact of the upgrade you will be blessed with.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): “During a game of Apocalypse against the Witchhunters,” reports Andrew_88 in an online forum, “I authorized my Chaos Lord to throw his vortex grenade at the oncoming Cannoness and her bodyguard. Safe to say he fluffed it and the vortex grenade scattered back on top of him. Then he proceeded to take out my allies, the Havocs, Land Raider, and Baneblade, before disappearing, having done no damage to my opponent.” I suggest you regard this as a helpful lesson to guide your own actions in the coming days, Scorpio. Do not, under any circumstances, unleash your Chaos Lord or let him throw his vortex grenade at anyone. He could damage your own interests more than those of your adversaries.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): According to my analysis of the astrological omens, it’s high time for you to receive a flood of presents, compliments, rewards,

and blessings. You got a problem with that? I hope not. I hope you are at peace with the fact that you deserve more than your usual share of recognition, appreciation, flirtations, and shortcuts. Please, Sagittarius?

Please don’t let your chronic struggles or your cynical views of the state of the world blind you to the sudden, massive influx of luck. Pretty please open your tough heart and skeptical mind to the bounty that the universe is aching to send your way.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): I like how astrologer Hunter Reynolds encapsulates the Capricornian imperative. If you “can manage your ego’s erratic moods and uneven motivations well enough to offer a service with consistent quality,” he says, “the world confers social recognition and its accompanying material advantages on you.” The members of other signs may appear warmer and fuzzier than you, but only because you express your care for people through a “strictness of focus,” “disciplined work,” and by being a “dependable helpmate.” This describes you at your best, of course; it’s not easy to meet such high standards. But here’s the good news: The omens suggest you now have an excellent opportunity to function at your very best.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): “Not being omniscient is a really big drag for me,” says poet Charles Harper Webb. I sympathize with him. My life would be so much easier and my power would be so much more graceful if only I knew everything there is to know.

That’s why I’m going to be a little jealous of you in the coming weeks, Aquarius. You may not be supremely authoritative about every single subject, but you will have access to far more intuitive wisdom than usual, and you’ll be making extra good use of the analytical understandings you have. Bonus: You will also be absorbing new lessons at an elevated rate.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): John Tyler was President of the United States from 1841 to 1845. Believe it or not, two of his grandsons are still alive today. They’re Lyon Gardiner Tyler and Harrison Ruffin Tyler, born late in the life of their father, who was born late in John Tyler’s life. I invite you to find some equally amazing connection you have to the past, Pisces. How is your destiny linked to the long ago and faraway? I suspect you might find that distant history will be more vital and important than usual in the coming weeks.

CHECK OUT OUR SITE FOR NEXT WEEK’S HOROSCOPE

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Jonesin’ Crossword Matt Jones (editor@jonesincrosswords.com)

Across 1 Want badly 6 High jumper of nursery rhymes 9 Somewhat 13 Czech writer/former president Vaclav 14 Simple rhyme scheme 16 Kumquat cover 17 Linda of “Dynasty” 18 At the head of the line 19 Frittata need 20 Playground equipment that’ll move if you’re really, really patient?

23 Gross-sounding fruit 24 Acknowledgement to the captain 25 Movie computer 28 Foot: Lat. 29 Leather shoe, for short 30 Sorta-striped feline hybrids 32 Former New York senator Al 35 Tiny bit 36 Playground equipment only the extremely strong can dive into?

41 Was in the red 42 Cast out 43 Cause hunger 46 A, in Austria 47 Encyclopedia unit abbr.

50 Screechy singer Yoko 51 Blood classification 54 Opera set in Egypt 55 Playground equipment that incorporates boxing?

58 You can buy bars of it 60 Congresswoman ___ Lowey 61 Get together 62 Don’t believe it 63 Teen follower 64 Campground dwellings 65 “Potpourri for $200, ___” 66 School grouping, in some states: abbr.

67 Get a good workout Down 1 Destroy, in a way

2 Destroy, in another way 3 Becomes of use 4 Starbucks 20-ouncer 5 Lanchester of “Bride of Frankenstein” 6 Sweet hook?

7 With a BMI over 30 8 Does some floor work 9 Side length squared, for a square 10 “Whatever” 11 Verb ender 12 Viking scores, for short 15 Did a faceplant 21 One of The Judds 22 Lanka lead-in 26 Opposing side 27 Exam for future attys.

29 Cheese partner 31 Au-gment?

32 “Grease” actress Conn 33 Animator Avery 34 Village Voice-given achievement 36 “The Uplift ___ Party Plan” (Red Hot Chili Peppers album) 37 McGregor who played ObiWan 38 Attention-getting submission, back in the day 39 It may be airtight 40 Spy novelist Deighton 44 NYSE unit 45 Laughing creature 47 Clear Eyes competitor 48 One-named folk singer 49 Like some developments 52 Rose McGowan, on “Charmed” 53 Rob of “90210” 54 Nixon running mate 56 Tippy-top 57 “Roseanne’s ___” (reality show) 58 ___ Na Na (Woodstock act, for some reason) 59 Family name in the “Popeye” series ©2011 Jonesin’ Crosswords

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Puzzles & Comics

“We Don’t Play That”--schoolyard equipment nobody likes.

. s . . s e l h t a e Br Scri

ddle?

“There is much mystery that shrouds you, and even more secrets have yet to be unlocked. Through-out time you have went by many names. Your past remains unclear...�

“Hatched from a dragon egg in a time unknown, and a place long since forgotten. So began your journey.�

“Throughout the crusades of time you have fought with valor and ruled kingdoms.�

Boorrring!

“Piece by piece you collected new identities, driven by unknown forces. But pay attention now as I give you the key to remembering your past and all its secrets.�

Keep your eyes peeled.

theVAULTmagazine comes out every second Friday.

“Are you listening to me?!�

To Play: Complete the grid so that every row, column and every 3x3 box contains the digits 1 to 9. There is no guessing or math involved, just use logic to solve.

Issue #2 will hit newsstands Oct. 14th.

Until next time...

CRAC K T H E VAULT

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