theVAULTmagazine Issue #13 - March 30, 2012
Crack the Vault
The Food Issue
Fast vs. Slow THE PEACE REGION'S
Occupy Wall Street Small Town Chefs Hunger Games Review
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FREE
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Editor/Publisher Jenelle Lizotte Tormaigh Van Slyke
Social Media/Reception Mary Warren
SECTIONS 04 News Snippets & Oddities 05 Inside the Vault--Occupy Walstreet 06 The Food and Drink Issue 11 Reviews 13 Calendar 16 Hel l's Bel le 17 Li fe S tyle
Logo Design Layout Design
Distribution DVS Michael Russell T&J
Website Design
Sush Wong & Doug Hurst, Wild Card Technology Solutions
Ad Design
Aimie Williams Sush Wong
Ad Sales
Tormaigh Van Slyke
Photography
Sharon Krushel (donabona.ca) Jenelle Lizotte Tormaigh Van Slyke
Contributors
Terry Cameron Megan Frizzell Raymond Myles Susan Thompson Mary Warren Chris Zwick
Comics
CJ Lyons, Fairview Shannon Brown & Randee Neumeyer, Peace River Crystal Hansen, Hines Creek Jason Hewitt, Peace River
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Arts Suzuki Social Comment Staff Picks--Wicked Websites Kinsey Confidential Astrology Puzzles & Comics
Letter to the Editors
Michael Boone
Jenelle Lizotte Christine Taylor Tormaigh Van Slyke Chris Zwick
Issue #13 - March 30, 2012
I was very disappointed to open the Vault this week to find yet another nearly full page of commentary from the media and lobbying [word omited upon reqest], David Suzuki. I ask you to take a look at the videos and links I am including in this email to see a completely opposite view of Suzuki and his views. By the way, I wonder how much Suzuki is sucking from his "charitable foundation" to pay himself to write these propaganda pieces for small independent papers. I thought that the idea of small independent newspapers was to try to avoid sounding just like the mainstream media. I don't mind that you provide space to this issue, but there is a lot of opposition to it and I would have expected the Vault to have the courage to provide balanced coverage. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-Y4qTLPFJY (This one is especially good, but you need to watch all of it.) http://www.climatedepot.com/ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQE2XiDxN5U&feature=related http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ylX0EIF9aQk http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zzAuccqIpU4 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ov0WwtPcALE (This is a link to the full movie of the Great Global Warming Swindle.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LsLOcZQheoE (1972 clip of Suzuki comparing humans to maggots) Yours sincerely, Diane Martel P.S. I realize that the bulk of this information comes from SunMedia, but the reality of the matter is that mainstream media will not touch the issue of critiquing global warming (or whatever it's being called now) propaganda. I highly recommend you look at Climate Depot for articles that present the other side of the issue. Editor's Note: The Sun Media Corporation owns over 250 newspapers across Canada. The majority of the links provided above are clips from Sun TV News Channel's "The Source" and is hosted by Ezra Levant, broadcaster and columnist for Sun Media.
What's your opionion on this? Email or go to www.thevaultmag.com to let us know.
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theVAULTmagazine is available free of charge at over 120 locations in the greater Peace Region every other Friday. We publish 2,000 copies every two weeks. We are funded solely through the support of our advertisers. theVAULTmagazine is published biweekly by Plato’s Cave Publishing. No content herein can be reproduced without written consent of the publisher. We accept contributions provided they are the property of the contributor and are offered exclusively to theVAULTmagazine. The publisher assumes no responsibility for the return or safety of contributed materials and therefore will not be held responsible. All opinions or statements expressed do not necessarily represent those of the publisher or staff. The reader must understand that all information presented in this publication is from various sources, therefore theVAULTmagazine cannot be held responsible for any accuracy, completeness or legalities. We ask that each reader take only one copy, unless you're grabbing one for your friend. That is all.
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INSIDE THE VAULT NEWS SNIPPETS FACEBOOK CARES ABOUT PRIVACY Facebook released a statement decrying the growing trend of employers asking perspective employees for their social media usernames and passwords as a form of screening in job interviews, saying it violates privacy and employment discrimination laws and could open up employers to potential legal liability. In a blog post, Facebook’s chief privacy officer Erin Egan wrote: “As a user, you shouldn’t be forced to share your private information and communications just to get a job … that’s why we’ve made it a violation of Facebook’s Statement of Rights and Responsibilities to share or solicit a Facebook password.” Canada’s Privacy Act regulates what information government agencies can use and collect and there is a similar act for the private sector, but neither considers the ubiquitous use of social media in today’s environment. Experts around the country have sided on both sides of the issue.
a shooting spree in Afghanistan by an American soldier earlier in March. Army Staff Sgt. Robert Bales is currently in custody after allegedly sneaking off his base and opening fire on families in two separate villages, in their homes, as they slept – killing 17 and wounding six, including four women and nine children. American officials confirmed payments are sometimes made to families of civilians killed in military action and that payments were made in relation to this case, but did not disclose figures. An Afghan official later confirmed the amount of the payments. Bales was on his fourth overseas combat tour, having served in both Iraq and Afghanistan wars and could face the death penalty if convicted of any one of the 17 charges of premeditated murder he is now accused of.
JOURNEY TO THE DEEP
Meanwhile in the U.S., several states have already implemented regulations against such invasions of privacy, and two U.S. senators recently asked the Justice Department to investigate the matter on a federal level.
Canadian film director James Cameron became the first solo explorer in history to venture to the bottom of the ocean, venturing 11 km below the surface with the help of a one-man submarine named Deep Sea Challenger.
AFGHAN FAMILIES PAID FOR DEATHS
It took two hours for Cameron, known for Hollywood blockbusters Avatar, Terminator, Titanic, Aliens and The Abyss, to reach the bottom of the Marianas Trench in the Pacific Ocean,
The U.S. government paid $50,000 for each death and $11,000 for each person wounded to the families of victims after
Cameron is the first to attempt the dive to the deepest point in the trench, known as Challenger Deep, since two U.S. Navy lieutenants made the journey in 1960. Incidentally, their vehicle stirred up so much silt; no viable photos or video could be taken.
EDUCATION, PUBLIC FUNDS AND POLITICAL DONATIONS The results of an investigation released by CBC News in Edmonton last week revealed several post-secondary institutions around the province made illegal political donations to Alberta’s reigning Progressive Conservative Party over the last several years. Grande Prairie Regional College spent $5,000 for PC related events, while Portage College spent $7,600 and Athabasca University more than $10,000 of public money from 20072010, according to the CBC report. The three institutions have since maintained the money was paid back. CBC made 10 Freedom of Information requests to various institutions earlier this year. Only those three responded to the requests by providing documents. Olds College, Red Deer College and SAIT say they found no records of any political donations. The universities of
rituals. The best part: these paratrooper priests are appropriately titled "The God Squad."
Oddities
Carve the Pain Away
Complied by Mary Warren The God Squad
Generally priests don’t just fall out of the sky considering that they don’t have wings and suicide is a sin, but a group of Russian priest soon may be descending from the heavens. A group of Russian Orthodox priests are experienced ex-paratroopers. In a plot to bring faith to the battlefield they are training for some exciting new roles. They will be dropped into warzones with a self assembled church which comes with all the essentials for religious
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where he spent six more hours collecting research samples and film footage for an upcoming National Geographic Society project.
Alternative healing is full of interesting and quirky techniques. Even if you are a believer in alternative healing, some forms of therapy may still leave you scratching your head. One technique is the cleaver massage in Taiwan. This massage is performed with the sharpened edge of actual meat cleavers. It is believed in traditional Chinese medicine that the body is crisscrossed with streams of energy called "qi." It is believed that tapping vital points with a cleaver could help the body heal itself.The cleaver is never struck hard enough to draw blood, but it does leave red streaks across the skin
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Alberta and Calgary, along with SAIT did not respond, while the University of Lethbridge was the only one to charge fees to process the FOI request -- $1,800, as it did not find the request to be in the public interest, according to CBC.
NO INTERVIEWS FOR PICKTON Canada’s most notorious serial killer wrote a letter to the Canadian Press recently, advising journalists seeking an interview with him to pose as lawyers to gain access to him inside the maximum security prison he now resides in, just east of Vancouver. Robert Pickton, the Port Coquitlam, BC pig farmer convicted of killing six women in 2007, while the DNA remains of 33 others were found on his farm, has been restricted from speaking to the media as part of his individual “correctional plan,” according to the Correctional Service of Canada. Pickton appeared in his only interview since his 2002 arrest in 2010, telling a CTV reporter he was not involved in the disappearances of the women found on his farm, but did not know who was, suggesting only that there was a lot more to the story than was known to the public, but he did not offer further details. Pickton’s letter was a response to an interview request from the Canadian Press.
and the patient twitching in moments of terror. Excuse me, can you go die somewhere else? Life much like death is out of our hands. We may like to believe we are in control of our timelines, but the fact is we are far from it. So what does one do if they die in a place where it’s prohibited? Believe it or not, there are actually a few places in the world where you are not legally allowed to die. For example, the island Itsukushima in Japan is a sacred location according to the Shinto belief, because of this purity is a large concern for the priests of the island. Since 1878 no deaths or births have been permitted, especially near the island’s shrine.
INSIDE THE VAULT
PHOTOGRAPHY: DAVID SHANKBONE
“You can’t evict an idea whose time has come”: Occupy Wall Street hasn’t gone anywhere BY CHRIS ZWICK It’s not over. The 99 per cent are still at it in cities across the continent, especially New York, despite efforts to quell their numbers and their message -- and they’re not going away anytime soon. It might be hard to believe based on corporate media’s “Flavour of the Week” mentality but it has been six months since occupiers around the world took to the streets to protest the social and economic inequalities caused by corporate greed, corruption and influence on governments. The lustre of the Occupy Wall Street (OWS) movement may have seemed to diminish over the winter but the protests have continued on, even after being forcibly removed from Zuccotti Park by police in mid-November. The owner of the park cited serious sanitation and security concerns as police barricaded protestors from the park, arresting more than 200 sometimes-defiant and sometimes-not protestors in the process. This resulted in a new slogan for the movement – “You can’t evict an idea
whose time has come.” OWS moved indoors for several weeks and covered a lot of territory in the process, occupying corporate headquarters, banks, colleges and universities, board meetings and Wall Street itself. On New Year’s Eve, protestors collected again at Zuccotti Park, removing barricades and pushing police in riot gear out of the park – 68 people were arrested and many more were pepper-sprayed. Occupiers are resilient, but while most agree on the principles of the movement, it is far from unified. Some have advocated and practiced violence against the police, though the chicken or egg question is forefront. During the New Year’s Eve protests for instance, one of the protestors is accused of stabbing an officer in the hand with scissors, previously to that a man was arrested for breaking an EMT’s leg and more recently one occupier caused waves by tweeting “We wont make a difference if we dont kill a cop or 2” (sic). The most important, but still unofficial document to come out of the movement
was the 99 Percent Declaration which calls for a National General Assembly to be held July 4 in Philadelphia, and includes demands to end monetary and gift contributions to politicians and advocates a public financing system for political campaigns. Other ideas that have divided the protestors include a fair tax code, universal healthcare, term limits, banking and securities reform, ending currency manipulation and ending the war in Afghanistan, among many others. The National General Assembly is to include a male and female representative from each of the 435 congressional districts, as well as one from each U.S. territory. More than 460 people have already come forward to stand as candidates for their districts, which will be voted on June 1. An official declaration is expected to be completed before the U.S. general elections in November. With spring, protest activity and conflict has been increasing. On St. Patrick’s Day, March 17, 73 of the estimated 700 protestors were arrested back at the park. New York City council members Ydanis WWW.THE VAULT MAG .C OM
Rodriguez and Jumaane Williams spoke in support of the movement that day and pledged to draft a Protestors Bill of Rights due to high incidents of police brutality, as protestors continued to be beaten, pepper-sprayed and bullied by law enforcement. Williams told the Wall Street Journal the occupiers “are not terrorists, they are not enemies of the state… This park is to be used by the public. Occupy Wall Street is part of the public… What this is about — and let’s be clear — is suppression of dissent.” While the mayor of America’s largest city Michael Bloomberg warned protestors -- “You want to get arrested? We’ll accommodate you.” Incidentally enough, Occupy Wall Street has cost the city of New York more than S17-million in overtime paid to police officers since the protests started. As a result of the perceived police brutality, protestors have called for a General Strike on May 1, encouraging people to stay home from work and school and not spend their money in New York as a sign of solidarity with the movement.
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Food & Drink FAST FOOD By THE NUMBERS
Learning to Take it Slow: The Slow Food Movement BY SUSAN THOMPSON
I 84%
of parents reported taking their child to a fast food restaurant at least once a week; 66% reported going to McDonald’s in the past week. •
40% of parents reported that their child asks
to go to McDonald’s at least once a week; 15% of preschoolers ask to go every day. •
12 of 3,039 possible kids’ meal combinations met nutrition criteria for preschoolers; 15 met nutrition criteria for older children. •
17% of regular menu items qualified as healthy choices.
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Snacks and dessert items contained as many as 1,500 calories, which is five times more than the 200 to 300 calorie snack for active teens recommended by the American Dietetic Association. •
The average restaurant had 15 signs promoting specific menu items, but just 4% promoted healthy menu items. •
Subway offered healthy sides and beverages 60% of the time, making it the only fast food restaurant in the study to routinely provide healthy choices. Source: Food Advertising to Children and Teens Score study (2009)
n North America, it seems we believe our food must be fast. Instant burger, instant shake, instant fries, instant gratification--all supersized. Give me convenience or give me death, as Jello Biafra would say. One mega chain that starts with an M has built an empire on this kind of thinking, selling billions of their brand of burgers to an every-hungry populace. Other fast food chains remain incredibly popular as well, and increasingly seem to not only ignore the health risks of their highly processed and packaged food, but brag about them. Watching TV these days has become like watching food porn. Bacon sandwiched in fried chicken, anyone? Meanwhile, obesity rates in North America and diseases such as diabetes have become epidemic. Coincidence? About as much of a coincidence as getting cancer from smoking, but we all know how quickly the tobacco industry ‘fessed up to that. However, another casualty of this culture we rarely mention may be our own tastes. When we get used to eating poor tasting, unhealthy, adulterated foods, what else are we losing? When chickens come in nuggets
and blueberries are made in a lab, when sawdust (oh sorry, “cellulose fibre”) is used as a filler to give you more “fibre” (literally, look it up), is what we’re eating really food anymore? And can we even tell the difference? Slow food began as a protest, a way to counteract the opening of yet another one of those golden Ms in Italy. The Italians, like the French and other gastronomically-rich countries around the world, know a thing or two about food. They created a manifesto, signed in Paris, which founded the international Slow Food Movement. The movement now has over 85,000 members, organized into local groups or “convivia,” including one in Edmonton and one in Calgary. These convivium are so named because they teach people what good food actually tastes like through tastings and dinners and courses. Rather than isolating people in their vehicles with their sad, greasy sacks of empty calories, the slow food movement seeks to bring people together with the pleasures of truly delicious food and good company. Slow food means taking the time to enjoy your food, by taking a slower and more aware pace. It is also about defending biodiversity, and the farmers who grow the food we
eat, making it an ecological and social movement as well. Slow food seeks to emphasize what is local, what is in season, what is made with love and traditional methods, rather than vertically integrated agribusiness with its factory farms. As a result, slow food also supports art and culture, and ultimately, the very quality of our lives. Intrigued by this idea? Here in the Peace, you may want to sample one of Guy honey producer Honeybunny’s award-winning organic honey products, which are 100 per cent locally sourced. Or perhaps you could taste a hunter friend’s elk steak, or buy an organic longhorn from a rancher in Weberville. You could search for wild asparagus in the river valley, or enjoy the pleasures of your own vegetable garden. Above all, you could find a recipe, bring together some fresh ingredients, and make dinner for yourself and your friends while enjoying a good bottle of wine. That’s an experience none of us will ever have in a fast food joint, and perhaps we should consider that more often. Food, much like many other pleasures in life, is not necessarily better if it’s fast. For more information http://www.slowfood.ca/
visit
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Recent Study by a Montreal Website Found Four of the Worst Fast Food Options in Canada:
#4. Dairy Queen Cookie Dough Blizzard (1,230 calories, 45 grams fat, 1,290 mg sodium, 145 grams sugar) #3. Taco Bell Beef Burrito w/ caramel apple empanada and cola (1,300 calories, 58 grams fat) #2. McDonald’s Big Mac w/ large fries and cola (1,550 calories, 2,000 mg sodium, 45 grams fat) #1. Wendy’s Triple Baconator w/ fries and cola (2,200 calories, 3,200 mg sodium, 115 grams fat) According to the Dieticians of Canada, the daily recommended caloric intake for men age 25-49 is 2,700 calories. For women in the same age range it's 1,900 calories. [Source: 21st Century Food]
Food & Drink
Genetic Modification: A slippery slope BY MARY WARREN
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hen we go to the grocery store, our lists are full of food we trust. But considering how important food is in our lives, many of us give it very little thought. Nevermind calories and fat and the salt content of the junk we eat just for a moment and consider that much of the fresh food we eat has undergone some sort of genetic manipulation. Genes are constantly evolving and for centuries humans have been exploiting this to generate a form of artificial selection. It happens naturally, albeit slowly, when the circumstances are right. Humans, however, began intervening more and more.
Genetic manipulation through natural selection soon became modification, which is now becoming alteration. There is a difference.
complaint, advancements in genetic alteration will not cease. Advancements in this dicipline will continue to break through barriers.
What does artificial selection actually entail? Generally, it’s a combination of genes that would not normally occur. Through a controlled method, certain genes can be identified, isolated, copied and introduced to other organisms. For example, certain crops such as canola may be genetically modified to develop a resistance to herbicides. In farming this is very advantageous, as a larger crop can be harvested without the threat of weeds.
Scientists are already on the brink of growing entire chunks of meat using samples of stem cells from slaughter houses. If we continue altering our food we may find ways to avert the slaughter of animals altogether, as well as large farms that damage the environment. It could even end world hunger-imagine giant vegetables and artificial meat feeding millions of starving people around the world.
Because we readily consume modified food without
Despite the progress we’ve made through manipulating genes, we must also ponder the ethical
boundaries. How far will we go for the mass production of food to keep up with our selfish eating demands? The more the food we eat is altered in laboratories, the higher the likelihood it may be subject to intellectual property laws, prohibiting us from attempting the growth of seeds from produce at the local store. Today, agriculture companies already produce terminator seeds for crops that would normally seed and then grow more plants, continuing the natural life cycle. Some farmers are not permitted to produce their own seeds--they must buy it from corporations.
within us due to this altered food, and we can’t forget the fact that many altered plants are pesticide/herbicide resistant, leading to more spraying and more polluted water sources. The genetic manipulation of plants is a great human accomplishment. It allowed us to grow a wide variety of crops, which has helped us build civilizations and feed countries. We must, however, be careful. We have entered into a slippery slope, where modification--and now the full-out alteration--of plants, our greatest food source, has the potential to lead to much more ominous practices.
There also may or may not be negative health effects occurring
LOCAL BUSINESS SUPPORTS LOCAL FARMERS: PEACEFULL PANTRY BY MARK RIEDER
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here has been a movement in North America towards eating food that is organic, natural and locally grown. This movement is based on increased awareness in health and environmental issues as well as the ethical treatment of animals. Even though the Peace region has a reputation for growing high quality foodstuffs, shoppers have limited access to locally grown fare. There are some local stores and farmers’ markets that carry these items, but the selection is either limited or only available for part of the year.
Peace River area resident Annette Rosendal began buying organic foods for her family and soon discovered there was enough local interest to start a business. “In 2007 I had my first child and I thought more about what I was feeding her,” she said. She started her company "PeaceFull Pantry" when others began asking where she was getting her food. Rosendal has organic suppliers in Vancouver that provide her with most of her fruit and vegetables. These suppliers can easily trace the food back to their growers. “We are one or two handshakes away from the farmers," she said.
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This is important as one failsafe against possible food contamination, an increasing problem in a global economy. More recently, with the growing interest in the so-called 100 mile diet, Rosendal has found local growers to supply the increasing demand for natural foods. “We also supplement with local meats and vegetables when in season,” she said. “Having those local meat supplies are important.” Rosendal soon plans to add locally grown beets, onions and parsnips to her inventory. She would like to see farmers able to provide even more of their foods to local buyers. But
the small market makes that difficult. Her clients are mainly individuals, and she explained that institutional buyers, like hospitals and restaurants will make it more feasible for local farmers to grow and sell their produce. “If we can grow that (institutional) market then farmers can profit from it,” she said. Currently, PeaceFull Pantry is concentrating their business in providing quality food with a "fair trade" philosophy that cuts out the middleman so the farmer gets a larger portion of the profits.
“We’re not about getting the cheapest food, but about getting the fairest priced food,” she said. There are other benefits to buying organic and locally grown food. “People are impressed with the taste, they say the flavour is more important than the organic aspect,” said Rosendal. The Alberta government is beginning to talk more about local organic food. Rosendal says there are hopes they will do more to promote these growers. Anyone interested in contacting PeaceFull Pantry can contact them through www.thinklocalmarket.com
Food & Drink
Maria and Greg Beckley are the heart and soul behind Su Casa Cafe, a rebirth of the well-loved original that used to be on Riverfront Road. The new restaurant is located between the old railway station and the Sawridge Inn. (Photography: Mark Rieder)
Rob Armstrong, Head Chef Ken Routh and Michael Legge are kitchen staff at The Blue Bridge Restaurant. Located at the old Mill Restaurant, the eatery boasts a contemporary menu. (Photography: Mark Rieder)
SMALL TOWN CHEFS OFFER WORLD-CLASS DINING EXPERIENCE BY MARK RIEDER
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heVAULTmagazine spoke to the chefs at two of the Peace River area’s newest restaurants; the Blue Bridge and Su Casa. These chefs may not share the fame of Gordon Ramsay, but they collectively share his passion and business sense. Maria Cyr-Beckley, chef at Su Casa Café, began learning to cook back in her home country of Mexico at 4 years of age. Her mother ran a small cantina that attracted customers from around the countryside. By 7 years old, she was the cook. “I always try for better. Better food, better quality. I come up with new recipes. I go to bed sometimes and I dream about recipes and I create it in my sleep. I wake up and I write down what I see in my dreams and later I try to make sense of it. It’s all about if you love to cook and that’s where the magic begins. When you spend a lot of years cooking, if you start as a child, then you get to know the ingredients – what goes with what.” With her partner Greg Beckley, Maria
operates what can fairly be described as the region’s most unique eatery. “I love knowing people enjoy my food. That’s what puts a smile on my face. After a hard day of hard cooking, cooking, cooking – what it really comes down to is the customer. If they can smile and say ’whoa, this stuff is darn good’, that makes my whole day.” All chefs have their culinary secrets and philosophies. For Maria it’s an eye for detail and a no-nonsense responsibility for what people eat at her café. “I go by taste, I don’t go by measurements. I try a pinch of this, a pinch of that and then I taste. If I get it to the flavour I want it to be, I know that my customers are going to love it. And I am really strict when it comes to how I want my food to be for the customer. I cook all the food and my helpers assemble it. Everything has to go by my eyes before it goes out. If it doesn’t look like how I make it, it isn’t going out. I’m sorry if the customer has to wait. But you know what, my name is on that plate. No matter who made it, the customer thinks ‘oh, this is Maria’s plate of food’.”
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hef Ken Routh at Blue Bridge Restaurant came into the business after another chef recommended he go to culinary school. For him, the secret is simple – freshness and variety. “Try to deal with local ingredients, if possible. If not, put your little twist on everything you do that makes you unique, that you stand out versus the average place. Lamb lollipops, that was an item we put on our first menu. It was more of an accident. I was thinking of lamb and watching TV, I saw someone licking a lollipop and I thought ‘well, we could make lamb lollipops’. And we did on our very first menu. It was a total hit. So every menu now we have some kind of lollipop.” Routh’s eclectic taste has him and his staff always trying something new and they experiment with their ingredients.
customer wanted I would probably have 20-page menus. So what we try to do is every 4 or 5 months, change the menu. I’m on my fourth menu now. We can’t change the restaurant every few months but we can change the menus. Just to keep people interested, as there’s something new always going on here.” Routh’s philosophy leans to the common sense side of things when it comes to ensuring his customers are happy. “There’s a bit of a trend of going back to basics of things. Don’t add too many ingredients, make it simple but make it good. Keep up with ethnic foods, take it and your past favourite foods and put that twist to it making it the future comfort food, like a nice bacon wrapped meatloaf. We tried that for a couple of days as the special. Huge response on it. It’s the stuff they don’t see too often (that works).”
“If I was to go with every item the
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PRMICSW 2012 Saturday Night CONCERT & SHOWCASE
Easy Marinated Salmon Submitted by Roni Basaraba, Fitness & Nutrition Planner
Salmon is one of the healthiest fish you can eat. It is rich in omega-3 fatty acids, which is healthy for your heart and it promotes cell growth. The healthy omega fats also aid in decreasing bad cholesterol. Wild salmon is much healthier than farmed salmon as well—opt for Atlantic.
You'll Need: 2 tbsp low sodium soy sauce 2 tbsp wasabi paste or 1 tbsp wasabi powder 1.5 tsp toasted sesame seeds 1.5 tbsp minced ginger 1 tbsp minced garlic 1 tbsp honey 1 tsp cayenne pepper 1 tbsp extra virgin olive oil 1 tbsp rice vinegar 4 salmon fillets, 4oz
• Directions: 1. In a small bowl combine all ingredients, except salmon, until well combined. Pour mixture into a zippered plastic bag. Add salmon, seal and toss to coat. Refrigerate for 1 hour. 2. Preheat oven to 400 degrees (F). 3. Place marinated salmon on a baking sheet lined with aluminum foil. Discard marinade. 4. Bake until fish flakes easily with a fork, about 13 minutes. Serve with brown rice and a salad or vegetable of your choice to round off your meal.
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REVIEW Homespun Review Do You Know The Juno? BY TERRY CAMERON I would think that most Canadians who enjoy and appreciate our homegrown talent in music would know of the Juno Awards. But do you know of its roots? It is named after Pierre Juneau. Juneau died this March at the age of 89. He was president of the CBC from 1982-89. Before that, he was head of the CRTC (the government’s regulatory body for broadcasting) and before that he was in the Film Board. All the while he remained a very determined force—a self-proclaimed militant in the field of film, culture, and broadcasting.
His philosophy was to use the tools of modern communication so that every Canadian could have meaning in their lives. But we are most thankful to Pierre Juneau not only for Canada’s most prestigious music award, but for putting Canadian music on the airwaves. Back in 1970, as chairman of the CRTC, Juneau proposed legislation requiring AM stations to play 30 per cent Canadian content. The artists and record companies cheered while broadcasters were vehemently opposed. Before this, there was no Canadian music industry. The only choice was to go south of the border if they wanted to be heard. (That’s the direction Neil Young drove
his ’58 Buick hearse.) Lighthouse drummer and band leader Skip Prokop, along with music critic Ritchie Yorke, battled against the Canadian Association of Broadcasters in the CRTC hearings. Yorke bluntly told them, “Any broadcaster who played “Yummy Yummy (I’ve got Bugs in my Tummy)” by the Ohio Express should never get himself involved in a discussion on quality,” while Skip gave a passionate pro-Canadian speech. The CRTC voted in favour of the 30 per cent Canadian quota. Pierre Juneau announced, “The prophets of doom, the messengers of mediocrity will
A REVIEW BY CAROLYN GERK
E
at Pray Love, a nonfiction novel by Elizabeth Gilbert, is marketed as the story of personal travels through life, love, and self discovery abroad. I expected an engrossing travel memoir, instead I got a story about one woman‘s travels in the midst of a self-indulgent, neurotic midlife crisis. It seems the author spent very little time opening her eyes looking around and spent a whole lot of time sobbing in front of a mirror. She has designed her novel around the idea of rosary beads: there are three parts with 36 chapters for each bead. This seemed clever at first, but things became forced and complicated as Gilbert tried to find a story where there was none in order to meet the expectations. Gilbert tended to over analyze every step of her journey, desperately trying to find a meaning in the smallest things. Sometimes,
be overwhelmed by the new generation of competent, creative, confident artisans and by all those of the preceding generations who have already demonstrated their freshness of mind, their talent and their capacity for inspired leadership.” No truer words have ever been spoken. Cancon (Canadian content) became law on Jan. 18, 1971. Crowbar were the first stillresident Canadian band to benefit as they received critical acclaim from the U.S. rock press. Having seen this energized rockin’-boogie band many times in their hey-day, they certainly deserved it. Now some forty years on, Saskatoon’s Sheepdogs made SOMETIMES, a phrase is just a phrase, sometimes mosquitoes are just mosquitoes, sometimes a pink gum wrapper on the floor is merely a pink gum wrapper and not God‘s way of telling you that your life has turned into a fragile pieces of trash, forgotten by the garbage can (okay, so I made that last one up). Sadly, I began to feel like the wonderful settings in which Gilbert‘s trials and tribulations took place were tragically wasted. She could learn so much in India, in Italy, in Indonesia (Oh, my goodness, three Is? It must MEAN something!!), but she spends so much time in her own head and on the bathroom floor, that she may as well have been at home in New York. I know what you‘re thinking, this is her path to self discovery, of course she is analyzing everything! True, but it becomes quickly tiresome. Could it hurt to take some joy in her surroundings and describe the buildings in Italy, the weather in India, the people in Bali?
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the cover of the Rolling Stone and may win their first Juno. Before Cancon, Canadian artists faced a frozen unlistening wasteland. Indeed performers and bands from Ian & Syliva, Gordon Lightfoot, The Band, Prism, Trooper, Bob & Doug McKenzie, Rush, Blue Rodeo, Bruce Cockburn, Barenaked Ladies, Great Big Sea, Leonard Cohen, The Tragically Hip (just to mention a few) to the multitude of great new Canadian artists we have today owe an awful lot to Pierre Juneau. Enjoy the Junos and the overwhelming talent of our great country!
I do have to give this author some credit. Elizabeth Gilbert has the potential to be an excellent travel writer. I loved those moments when she tells us the lovely details of Italy‘s historic streets, a simple meal of eggs and asparagus, the sun and the beach, the flowers, the sights, the smells, the people she meets in India (I kind of wish she had ventured out of the Ashram a bit, as this section was certainly the most introverted and, thus, tedious). She has some true talent for unearthing the beautiful aspects of life. Instead, Gilbert‘s skill is poured into a blog-like confessional of all of her deep rooted fears and neuroses. I couldn‘t connect with most of her problems. This novel has been hugely successful, spawning a film, merchandise and even a world tour that hits the locales Gilbert visited (kind of defeats the purpose of self-discovery if you ask me). There are many people who truly connected with the author. I guess I am just not one of them.
theVAULTmagazine
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REVIEW
REVIEW BY MEGAN FRIZZELL
T
he Hunger Games begins in District 12—the twelveth territory of a futuristic country called Panem, located where North America once was. Panem once had 13 districts, but District 13 revolted and tried to overthrow the Capitol. As a punishment for the rebellion, the Capitol hosts the Hunger Games. For the games, a male and female “tribute” from each districted are randomly selected to compete in a free-for-all fight to the death. Katniss Everdeen volunteers for the games to spare her younger sister. She is shipped off to the Capitol with its plastic lifestyle—the last stop before the open arena and imminent bloodbath.
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Friday Trivia Question
To be honest, I was worried the movie would not live up to the book. Let’s face it, the book is usually better than the movie. However, The Hunger Games was an exception. The film begins with the obligatory character development. We see how Katniss and her family live in District 12, we meet Katniss’ best friend Gale, and we meet the shiny, overly-manicured citizens of the Capitol. I was
shocked, however, to see just how enormous the contrast is between District and Capitol. The acting is no game, pun intended. The talented cast were able to embody the characters very skillfully. The storyline gets your blood pumping right from the start. From the Reaping (the lottery that chooses the tributes) with its heart-wrenching emotion, through the white-knuckled Games, and all the way to the dramatic cliff-hanger ending. Alas, it’s not just about action or love. The film is set in a futuristic world made up of one country, twelve districts and a tyrannical government. It really makes you think about society and its flaws. That is, if you can even focus on such things while watching this amazing show! This film overwhelmed my expectations, brought life to my imagination, and (almost) made me cry.
The Hunger Games is currently playing at River City Cinema in Peace River.
Commu n ity Ca lend a r Pu llout Email us at thepit@thevaultmag.com to add your event to the calendar ALL INFORMATION PRESENTED IN THIS CALENDAR IS GATHERED FROM A VARIETY OF SOURCES. THEVAULTMAGAZINE ASSUMES NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANY MISREPRESENTED INFORMATION. WE MEAN WELL. ANY CORRECTIONS OR COMPLIMENTS CAN BE DIRECTED TO THEVAULTMAGAZINE@HOTMAIL.COM
PRESENTS:
Bistec Asado*De Con Camarones Sopa Aguacate Con Camarones *subject to availability
$28 $9
OPEN: 9822-95 AVENUE TUES to FRI: 11AM-2PM, 5PM-9PM PEACE RIVER SAT: 1PM-9PM 780-624-8262
PRMICSW 2012 Saturday Night CONCERT & SHOWCASE
No Limitz is seeking a
Bass Player
Indie/country/folk/rock Originals & Covers Please email us at singnolimitz@gmail.com
Add your event to our community calendar! Email us the details to thepit@thevaultmag.com
Happy Birthday Burt! from Rose, the Kids, the Grandkids & Copper
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Berwyn/Brownvale
Hines Creek H
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Cadotte Lake
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DIXONVILLE
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Falher
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Fairview
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Girouxville
Peace River P
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Grimshaw
St. Isidore S
Jean Cote J Nampa N Manning M McLennan M
- Sagitawa Friendship Centre (Lower Level) 7-8pm All Ages. 9 & under must have a parent present.
MONDAYS P
INDOOR WALKING PROGRAM (Fitness) - Al Adair Rec Centre 12-1pm. Every Mon & Fri. Bring Indoor Shoes and a Friend! For more info call 780-624-3474.
P PEACE RIVER SOUP KITCHEN (Community) - St. James Cathedral 12-1pm - Volunteers Needed. P
P
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MEDITATION (Well-Being) - Zen Spa 5:45pm - Loonie Donation. Every Monday barring holidays. For more info email peacezenspa@hotmail.com NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS (Self Help) Peace River United Church 7pm - Every Mon and Fri. For More Info call 780-219-1485. SHINNY HOCKEY (Community) Hines Creek Arena 8:15-10pm. $2. KEYBOARD CLASSES FOR ADULT BEGINNERS (Education) - Joan Blench Piano Studio - Absolute Beginner Noon-1pm, Beginner 1-2pm. Classes: Apr 2-May 28 (no class on May 21). Classes $120+materials. Preregistration required. To register call 780-624-1256.
P PEACE CHALLENGERS TOASTMASTER CLUB (Self Help)
- Northlands Sch. Div. (9809-77 Ave) 7:30pm - Learn to speak with confidence & professional leadership skills. Every Tues. For more info call Cindy 780-624-4890.
HATHA YOGA (Well-Being) - Bodhi Tree 7pm P Beginner classes. Drop-in $12 or purchase a punch card. For more info call 780-624-8838. YOGA (Well-Being) - Senior Citizen’s Centre 5:15pm P Beginner & Intermediate. BYO Mats & Blankets. Drop ins $12. (Tuesdays from Jan 10 - Apr 17). For more info call 780-624-4249.
11-12pm - Tuesdays and Thursdays. FREE Everyone welcome!
WEDNESDAYS P READ AWAY PROGRAM (Self Help) - PR Municipal
Library 1-2pm - Adult reading circle (improve your reading skills). Every Wed. For more info call 780-624-4076.
INDOOR WALKING PROGRAM (Fitness) - Al Adair Rec P Centre 1 - 2pm. Every Wed. Bring Indoor Shoes and a Friend! For more info call 780-624-3474.
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ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS (Self Help) - St. Paul’s United Church. 8pm - Every Tuesday and Thursday. For more information call 780-624-4710
degrees or lower cancels meditation.
P
ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS (Self Help) - St. Paul’s United Church. 8pm - Every Tuesday and Thursday. For more information call 780-624-4710
M MANNING WALKING GROUP (Fitness) - Legion Hall
11-12pm - Tuesdays and Thursdays. FREE Everyone welcome!
M
Cathedral 12-1pm - Volunteers Needed.
G PUBLIC SKATING (Community) - Mile Zero Regional Multiplex 3:30-4:30pm - $3 (4-17 years), $5 adult, $15 family. For more info call 780-332-4005. G TAKING OFF POUNDS SENSIBLY (TOPS) (Fitness) Grimshaw Hospital 6:30pm - For more info call Linda 780-322-7443 G BOOK BUGS (Family) - New Horizon Centre 10-11:30am - FREE program for children ages 0-6. For more info call Tracey at 780-835-3273. C
P ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS SUPPORT GROUP (Self Help) - St. Paul’s United Church (upstairs) 7:30pm - For more information call Sharon at 780-624-8778.
PARENTS AND TOTS (Family) - Mamowintowin Hall 1:30-3pm - Every Wednesday. For more info call 780-322-3954.
TRADITIONAL NATIVE DANCE CLASSES (Dance)
H SHINNY HOCKEY (Community) - Hines Creek Arena
P
F
M MANNING WALKING GROUP (Fitness) - Legion Hall
F DROP IN FLOOR HOCKEY (Fitness) - GPRC Rec Centre 5:30-7pm - Every Mon. $6 with gym membership, FREE with membership.
TUESDAYS
P MEDITATION (Well-Being) - Bodhi Tree 7:30pm - -25
Centre 1pm - FREE. For more info or to register call 780-836-2664.
and Blanket. Drop Ins Welcome. For more info call 780-624-4249.
F DEVELOPMENTAL PLAYGROUP (Family) - United Church Basement 1-2:30pm - Gross and Fine Motor Skills, Social Skills, Healthy Snacks, Music and Crafts. Every Thursday.
P PEACE RIVER SOUP KITCHEN (Community) - St. James
Gym 10:30am - Mondays. 1h or play and song. All preschool children welcome.
M ESL CLASSES (Education) - Community Learning
Chording Noon-1pm. Classes: Apr 3-May 22. Classes $120+materials. Pre-registration required. To register call 780-624-1256.
M GET YOUR BUTT IN GEAR (Fitness) - McLennan Elks Hall 10am - Every Mon and Thurs. Socialize while exercising and having fun.
M MANNING MINI-GYM (Family) - Manning Elementary
YOGA (Fitness/Well-Being) - Ecole des Quatre-vents
G SHINNY HOCKEY (Community) - Mile Zero Regional Multiplex 4-5pm - $3 (4-17 years), $5 adult, $15 family. For more info call 780-332-4005.
P 5:15pm - $12. Beginner and Intermediate. BYO Mats
P HATHA YOGA (Well-Being) - Bodhi Tree 5:30 Beginner/Intermediate classes. Drop-in $12 or purchase a punch card. For more info call 780-624-8838.
G SHINNY HOCKEY (Community) - Mile Zero Regional Multiplex 3:30-4:30pm - $3 (4-17 years), $5 adult, $15 family. For more info call 780-332-4005. G WRITER’S BLOCK (Community) - Grimshaw Library 7:30pm - Every Mon. For more info call Gordon at 780332-1732. PARENTS & TOTS (Family) - Nampa Municipal Library 10-11:30pm - For more info call 780-322-3954.
THURSDAYS
KEYBOARD CLASSES FOR ADULT BEGINNERS
P (Education) - Joan Blench Piano Studio - Simple
Centre 12-1pm. Every Mon & Fri. Bring Indoor Shoes and a Friend! For more info call 780-624-3474.
8:15-10pm. $2.
M
INTERNET/COMPUTER CLASSES (Education) Community Adult Learning Centre - Basic Internet & Facebook: 3:30pm. Basic Computer: 4:30pm, Basic Computer Level 2: 5:30pm. For more info or to register call 780-836-2664. GET YOUR BUTT IN GEAR (Fitness) - McLennan Elks Hall 10am - Every Mon and Thurs. Socialize while exercising and having fun.
C KID’S CLUB (Family) - Mamowintowin Hall 4-5:30pm Ages 6-9. Every Thurs. For more info call 780-322-3954
FRIDAYS P
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STORYTIME (Family) - PR Municipal Library 10:30am - Every Friday. Up to age 5. Story and Craft. Parent or Caregiver participation required. NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS (Self Help) - Peace River United Church 7pm - Every Mon and Fri. For More Info call 780-219-1485.
P PEACE RIVER SOUP KITCHEN (Community) - St. James
Cathedral 12-1pm - Volunteers Needed.
P INDOOR WALKING PROGRAM (Fitness) - Al Adair Rec
DROP IN VOLLEYBALL (Fitness) - GPRC Community Rec Centre 7-9pm - $6 without gym membership, FREE with a gym membership. Every Friday.
SATURDAYS BILINGUAL STORYTIME (Family) - Peace River
P Municipal Library 2pm - Ages 3-5. Join us for two stories
one in English and one in French and a craft. Parent or caregiver participation required.
P ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS (Self Help) - Grace
United Church. 8pm - Every Saturday. For more info call 780-624-4710.
H PUBLIC SKATING (Community) - Hines Creek Arena
1-5pm. $2.
SUNDAYS P
P
YOGA (Well-Being) - Senior Citizen’s Centre 4pm Beginner and Intermediate. BYO Mats and Blanket. Drop-ins $12. (Sundays from Jan 15 - Apr 15). For more info call 780-624-4249. BUSKING AT THE BELLE (Music) - Belle Centre Mocha Room 7:30-11pm - Admission is $5, performers are free. Musicians bring your tip jar or instrument case.
G FREE SKATE (Family) - Baytex Energy Centre 5-6:30pm - Sponsored by Clean Harbors Energy Services. H FREE PUBLIC SKATING (Community) - Hines Creek
Arena 4-5pm.
H FREE SHINNY HOCKEY (Community) - Hines Creek
Arena 5-6pm.
F ZEN MEDITATION (Well-Being) - Fine Arts Centre 10am
- For more info call Eileen at 780-494-3410.
Upcoming Events FRI, MAR 30 P
PULP FICTION AT RIVER CITY CINEMA - River City Cinema 10:30pm - theVAULTmagazine is bringing you another kick-ass flick for FREE! Come on out and bring your friends! Pulp Fiction is rated 18A with coarse language, sexual violence, and substance abuse. ID will be required. Anyone under 18 can attend with an adult. Concession will be open.
M OL' TYME FAMILY NIGHT (Family) - McLennan Elk's Hall 6:30pm - For more info call 780-837-2220 RICHARD AND DEBORAH's ROARING TWENTIES SHOW (Music/
TUES, APR 3 G COUNTY IN BLOOM WORKSHOP (Community) - Warrensville Hall 1-4pm & 7-9:30pm - With horticultural specialist Lorraine Taylor. G
CONFLICT RESOLUTION (Family) - Teach your child to resolve conflicts with words, not fists. Learn techniques to deal with bullying, fights, peer pressure & friendships gone wrong. Presented by Hilary Moss. Sponsored by FCSS & PRSD. Free but you must preregister to reserve a seat. 780-332-1110.
WED, APR 4 F
JEAN SHULZ SHOW AND SALE (Art) - Fairview Fine Arts Centre 8pm - Show and sale goes until Apr 30. For more info visit www. fairviewfinearts.com or call 780-835-2697.
F Comedy) - Fairview Golden Age Centre 6:30pm - Tickets $10. For
M COUNTY IN BLOOM WORKSHOP (Community) - Battle River Ag
COMEDY NIGHT WITH HOWIE MILLAR & JORDAN CHYZOWSKI (Comedy) - Belle Petroleum Centre 8pm - Tickets ($20/adv OR $30/door) available at Downtown Shell and www.bpcentre.ca
P SPRING PARADE OF PROGRAMS (Community) - Ecole Springfield
more info call 780-835-4826.
P
F PHYSICIAL APPRECIATION GALA (Community) - Knights of Columbus Hall 5pm - Featuring Tenille & Piano Interlude by local entertainers. Live and Silent auction. Semi-formal. Proceeds go to Smoky River Regional Physiscian Recruitment ‑ Rentention Committee. Call 780925-2930 to reserve your tickets ($40).
SAT, MAR 31 P
THE UNDERGROUND MUSIC SOCIETY PRESENTS: BIG HANK & A FIST FULL OF BLUES (Music) - Senior Citizen's Drop In Centre 8pm - Tickets ($25/adv or $30/door) can be purchased at Village AVU or Danberger & Sons.
ON FIRE WITH DON BERNER AND HIS LITTLE BIG BAND (Music) G Grimshaw Elk's Hall 5:30pm - The Grimshaw Fire Rescue Assn. and the Lac Cardinal Performing Arts Society present their 2nd annual forml dinner and silent auction. Tickets ($65) can be purchased from Beyond 2000. F TCHAIKOVSKY'S SWAN LAKE (Theatre) - Fairview College Theatre 7pm - Presented by Mitelka Folkloric Theatre & Dance Company. Tix available at Ruby's Variety Shoppe & Mad Dog Cresting. Adults $15, Students $10, 4 and under free. Fo‑‑r more info call 780-685-3813.
G EASTER POTLUCK (Community) - Old Lac Cardinal Hall 5:30pm - For more info call 780-618-3510. M
FREE PANCAKE BREAKFAST (Community) - Manning Elk's Hall 1012pm - Hosted by The Manning Adult Learning & Literacy to celebrate Adult Learners Week. Everyone Welcome.
N HARMON VALLEY AG SOCIETY DINNER THEATRE AND VARIETY SHOW feat. RICHARD & DEBRA POPOVICH (Theatre) - Harmon Valley Ag Grounds 5pm - For Tickets ($40) call 780-322-2343. P TRUMP WHIST NIGHT (Community) - McKinney Hall 7pm - Hosted
by the McKinney Hall Assn.
SUN, APR 1 TCHAIKOVSKY'S SWAN LAKE (Theatre) - Fairview College Theatre F 2pm - Presented by Mitelka Folkloric Theatre & Dance Company. Tix available at Ruby's Variety Shoppe & Mad Dog Cresting. Adults $15, Students $10, 4 and under free. Fo‑‑r more info call 780-685-3813. H EUREKA RIVER ART SHOW & SALE (Art) - Eureka River Hall 10-5pm
- Free Coffee.
P
SPRING GIFT SHOW (Community) - Belle Petroleum Centre 11-5pm - Admission is a food bank donation.
Hall 1-4pm & 7-9:30pm - With horticultural specialist Lorraine Taylor. School 5:30-7pm - Looking for something to keep your kids busy over the summer? Drop in and see what Peace River has to offer. For more info call 780-624-1000.
THURS, APR 5
2012
Balance and Heal your Spiritual Body Beneath the Wings--a Healing Hearts Spiritual Center located at 8 Railroad Ave NE Falher Ab. Over 25 years experience in inner healing.
Join Marie Sylvie on April 14 for refreshments and enjoy a presentation about the Healing Hearts Spiritual Center. Doors open at 1:30pm and presentation begins at 2pm.* Register for the workshops that best suit you. Experience spiritual intuitive counseling and a variety of other healing arts.
M MANNING FARMER'S MARKET (Community) - Legion Hall 10-1pm.
N LOCAL ART & TALENT SHOW (Community) - Nampa Library 7-9pm - Snacks and Refreshments will be provided. For mroe info call 780-322-3805.
FRI, APR 6 P A BETTER FRIDAY (Music) - Belle Petroleum Centre 7:30pm - A
showcase of local talent: John Peel, A New Direction, Ephemera & Kevin Bekevich. $15 at the door.
SAT, APR 7 P EASTER EGG-STRAVAGANZA (Family) - Riverfront Park 1-2:30pm -
Free event for ages 0-10. Outdoor scavenger hunt, goodies & crafts. Find a golden egg in your goody bag and win a prize. Older siblings welcome to help younger siblings.
N BREAKFAST WITH THE BUNNY (Family) - Harmon Valley Hall 8-11am - Free pancake breakfast, crafts, games, door prizes and Easter egg hunt. Everyone welcome. P
/DANCE PRODUCTIONS PRESENT DJ ELEKT, DJ MANIAC & DJ DK (Music) - Belle Petroleum Centre 8-2:30am - Tix $15 at the door.
TUES, APR 10 G
CONVERSATION CORNER (Community) - Club Etoile 12-3:30pm - Lunch, Funtime Bingo and Sing-a-Long. Drop ins welcome.
WED, APR 11 N NAMPA GOLDEN PIONEERS COMMUNITY SUPPER (Community) - 6pm - Adults $10, Youth $4, Under 6 are free. G VOLUNTEER APPRECIATION & COMMUNITY COMEDY NIGHT
(Comedy) - Girouxville Community Hall 7-9:30pm - Wine and cheese night with entertainment by the "Mad Trapper"
THURS, APR 12 M FUNTIME BINGO (Community) - McLennan Golden Age Club
1:30-4:40pm.
For more information contact Marie Sylvie msbeneaththewings@gmail.com or 780-837-1804. *Doors will close at 2pm to prevent interrupting the presentation.
T h e 1 0 0 th A n n i v e r s a r y P r o d u c t i o n O f
M u si c a n d ly r i c s by M a u ry Y e s t o n B o ok by Peter Shore
DIRECTED BY KEVIN CAMBRIDGE MUSIC DIRECTION LY N N E C A M B R I D G E PRODUCED BY AARON KLASSEN Photo Credit: James Cameron’s Ghost of the Abyss
On the Donald Weaver Stage at Athabasca Hall April 13 14 19 20 21 - 2012 Doors Open at 7:30PM - Show starts at 8:00PM Tickets Available at Style Ryte Cleaners Adults: $15 | Students/Seniors: $10
• Wing Special every Friday from 4 to 8 - 30c wings Choice of 12 different flavours • Steak Sandwich Special every day for Lunch: $9.95 includes beverage • Daily Lunch Specials including Homemade soups and sandwiches • Free Pool with Lunch • Open Monday to Friday at 11 AM
9510 - 100 St. Peace River
LIFESTYLE Working Out: Group Style and energy on being healthy and getting fit when you’re covered up all the time? Trust me, I know all about not being motivated. It sucks the big one.
I recently found a really great way to help my unmotivated self stay fit and see some good changes in my body. And I that hope what I share with you can get you motivated during this dark and dreary time.
BY LINDSEY ULASZONEK
I
t’s so damn hard to get motivated when the weather is crap, it’s dark by 5, and summer seems a million miles away. Why the hell would anyone want to focus their time
Group workout classes! All this time I have been going to the gym watching a group of 30 women do group classes while I run on my treadmill thinking “that looks dumb.” Honestly though, I gave in and tried the whole “group thing” and hello! Do you know how fun it is to
grab a couple girlfriends a few times a week, meet at the gym, set up your station, listen to tunes, and be told what to do for an hour? That description does not do it justice but take it from me, it’s fun! Not only are you working out hard for a straight hour but you are also enjoying yourself. My girlfriends and I go 4 times a week and the classes include 2 days of step class (cardio) and 2 days of power class (weights). The beauty of these classes is you are literally forced to do exercise for an hour. If you’re the 1 person out of 30 people wimping out during class you are going to look like an idiot. The teacher has a microphone
headset and she yells over the music and tells you exactly what to do--and trust me you will listen. By the time we are done I have worked out my entire body and have a pretty good sweat going on.
Knowing I have to meet my girlfriends there 4 times a week motivates me the most to go. I almost feel like I don’t want to let them down. I am a part of the workout class crew. We are a “crew” now. I can’t let them down! So take it from me, Miss I-onlyworkout-solo, and find a gym that offers group workout classes and jump on it! Get some friends to go with, and drive there together. After class
cook a nice healthy dinner after at one of your houses like my friends and I try to do (wine is optional, of course). Feed off of each other and be healthy together. I was a skeptic at first, and used to think I could do a better job getting fit by myself. However, I just recently got complimented on how strong my arms look. Excuse me, but do you know how great that feels? Pretty damn great, and it confirmed that those silly group workout classes work. So try it out. Especially on the days you feel the least motivated. It’ll force you to exercise.
Mindful Movement Classes
Pilates • Yoga
2012
10 week sessions: April 16 to June 21
Donna Kelly
For information and to register call:
780 624 3614
All are welcome! COST *
One hour classes 10 sessions - $120
VALLEY HEALTH Healthy PH Water | Full Body Vibration
10019 - 100th Street | Peace River 780 624 1332
... e f i l ur ! o y y It’s health Be
www.thevaultmag.com
* 10% discount on two or more classes a week
Drop-in rate - $14
Class
Location
Pilates Body Flow Pilates/Yoga Fusion Pilates Body Flow Pilates with Props Adult Ballet
Bongo Studio Tuesday 7:30-8:30pm The Bodhi Tree Wednesday 7:30-8:30pm Springfield School Gym Thursday 4:45-5:45pm Bongo Studio Thursday 7:30-8:30pm Fitness on the Go Monday 7:00-8:00pm
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Day
Time
theVAULTmagazine
17
Artist Directory INKED IN MALICE Band (Dan Binks: Lead guitar, vocals, songwriter. Stephen Knudsen: Rhythm guitar) Melodic acoustics to technical metal. Working on demo. reverbnation.com/inkedinmalice CAROLYN GERK Pencil, Acrylic, & Watercolor (Portraits, landscapes, still life, children’s decor, murals, personalized items, decorative art and gifts. Requests welcome) 780-625-1215 carolyn.2345@hotmail.com FB: Creative Design by Carolyn LEAH WOOD Photographer (Do you want unique photos? Order your session today!) 780-618-8204 leahwoodphotography.com leahwoodphotography.com/blog SUSAN THOMPSON Dancer (Belly dance, fire dance, fire fans, palm torches, LED fans, choreographed or freestyle, go-go dancing) vantom@xplornet.com FB: Sisu Belly Dance
MARY WARREN Graphite & Ink (Realistic to animated, I enjoy working with nearly all mediums and art forms. I also dabble in clothing design.) sickyslimys@hotmail.com EPHEMERA Band (Buzz Lorenzen, lead vocals, guitar, songwriter. Anjil Shimoon, cello, backing vocals, extreme sexiness.) drbuzzmd@yahoo.com SHANNON BROWN Oil Painter (Recently graduated from NSCAD university. Shannon is practising the art of painting through landscape oil paintings, murals and is now using neon acrylics. shane_browndotcom@hotmail.com CJ LYONS (Works by commission in acrylic, graphite, charcoal and digital design. Gallery at meganekko-bomb.deviantart.com) caylah.lyons@hotmail.com DONNA KELLY Dancer (Teaches Ballet, pilates, and Yoga) 780-624-3614
MARIE ELDSTROM Photographer (Owns House of E Photographic Imagery. Book a session. Tell your story. Promises a unique and exciting experience. Portraits & Prints.) marieeldstrom@gmail.com houseofphotographicartistry. blogspot.com AMANDA MANDEVILLE Photographer/Artist (Creative Lark Photography & Fine Art. "I offer professional, artistic, & fun photos for any occasion.") 780-625-5242 creativelarkphotography.com ART BY TARAS Airbrushing (Custom painted art on canvas, wall murals, helmets, clothing) airbrushartists.org/hotrodzz34 NO LIMITZ Band (Singing/songwriting duo of Sherry Crawford & Dana Blayone offering indie/country/folk originals or full band performances w/ the guyz playing country/rock covers) singnolimitz.com singnolimitz@gmail.com 780-624-1718
ARIANA HAMMERBERG
Oil, Acrylic, & Watercolor (Landscapes, abstract & mixed media) 780-625-1794 ahammerberg@yahoo.com FB: Paintings by Ariana
ALECIA VOGEL
Singer/Songwriter (Gravitates more towards the pop/folk side of things. Also in the midst of releasing a demo and loving every moment of it.) aleciahh@gmail.com 780-625-7329
VERNON LEDGER Musician (Guitar, Bass, Piano, Vocals. Band: A New Direction. Teaches Song Writing, Jams, Available for events.) 780-624-2693 nervedge1984@live.com SARAH SHUDRA Dancer (Director of Bongo Studio, Latin instructor, Zumba instructor, choreographer and professional dancer of Peruvian music) 780-625-7428 sarashudra@yahoo.es
Are you an artist or musician who would like to be features in the Artist Directory? Email your info to thepit@thevaultmag.com
18 theVAULTmagazine
M ARCH 3 0 , 20 12
ARTS
Shimmying with Oksana
PHOTOGRAPHY: SARAH SHUDRA
BY SUSAN THOMPSON
I
t has only been six years since Oksana Termeer began belly dancing after a friend introduced her to classes. Today she is the most well-known belly dancer in the Peace whose veiled, dancing image graces the outside wall of the Acropolis Greek restaurant in Grande Prairie, where she performs twice a week. Between the invitations to weddings, bridal showers, birthday parties, corporate dinners, and other cultural events, Oksana also teaches regular classes and even hosts an annual regional belly dancing night through her studio, Moondance Shimmy. “My calendar is pretty full,” Oksana told theVAULTmagazine after making the time to travel through a snowstorm to teach a belly dance workshop in Peace River on Mar. 18. Almost 30 beginner and intermediate belly dancers spent several hours learning belly dance moves and two different choreographies created by Oksana. The workshop was the beginning of a series hosted by Peace River’s
Bongo Studio, which owner Sarah Shudra says will also include a Latin dance workshop for couples sometime this spring. “It was my first time in Peace River and I am glad the ladies who attended the workshop were a good, fun group and they worked hard on making the moves work for them,” Oksana said. The class included women of all ages, including children. Despite popular misconceptions, belly dance is not an erotic or adult dance. “Many people think of belly dancing as an exotic dance for men. Belly dancing did not originate in harems and was not danced by women to entertain men—this is a fantasy created by the Hollywood film industry,” Oksana explained. “In traditional societies where women and men are segregated, this type of dance is performed amongst women when they get together. Middle Eastern Dance is a form of art and provides a wholesome entertainment that is suitable for the whole family.” Oksana specializes in traditional and modern Egyptian styles of
Middle Eastern dance including Raqs Sharqi, Raqs Shamadan, Shaabi and folkloric dances of Egypt (Raqs Assaya), Milaya Leff and Saudi (Khaliji). In North America, other styles of belly dance have emerged as well, including American Tribal Style and tribal fusion. All forms of belly dance are meant for women’s muscles and bone structure, and the movements originate in the core, hips, and legs. Dancers learn to isolate different parts of the body, layering those movements into complex, controlled but flowing dances. “It’s a dance of a body—pretty much every muscle of it—and a soul; you need to be connected to a piece of music and understand it to really be able to dance it from the heart,” Oksana explained. However, Oksana also told theVAULTmagazine that anyone can learn to belly dance. “There are no restrictions in age, size or ethnic background to join belly dancing. Everybody will have different goals to achieve and my advice is take it easy, step-by-step, and lots of practice.
Practice makes it perfect.” However, it takes a lot of time and effort to become a professional like Oksana. “To take a couple of beginner classes and put on a pretty costume does not make a person a professional belly dancer,” Oksana warned. “You need at least five years of classes, performing (the more the better) and attending workshops, which you continue to do even after becoming a professional dancer because with dancing, learning is never finished. You need to have a knowledge and understanding of different Arabic music rhythms and know what the difference is between Raqs Sharki and folklore, and know what is an appropriate costuming for each type of dance.” A professional dancer also needs to be able to not only choreograph but to do improvisational dance with recorded or live music. Asked what she loves about oriental dance, Oksana said simply, “Everything.” “I listen to Middle Eastern music all the time and most of
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the melodies make it hard not to start dancing and I love dancing. I like costumes, many of which I make myself, and I like the fact of how belly dancing is connecting millions of women through out the world.” Moondance Shimmy’s own annual regional performance night in Grande Prairie also helps connect many different dancers and different groups in one show. “Every year we bring about 50 dancers from Alberta, British Columbia and Saskatchewan. There is always a main special guest dancer at the show who could be from anywhere in the world,” Oksana said. “This year our guest dancer is Mohamed Shahin from Cairo/New York who is an internationally known dancer and instructor and he is going to teach three workshops on the weekend of June 2-3, 2012.” Bongo Studio may also begin offering beginner belly dance lessons in Peace River. For more information about Oksana or the regional performance night, visit: www.moondanceshimmy.com
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SOCIAL COMMENT Religious Right’s Rejection of Science is Baffling teacher was tried, convicted, and fined for teaching evolution. Meanwhile, candidates vying for the Republican presidential nomination reject the overwhelming scientific evidence for human-caused climate change. Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich once held rational positions but have since capitulated to the fossil fuel lobby. Rick Santorum just seems out of touch on every issue, from rights for women and gays to the environment. He’s referred to climate change as a “hoax” and once said, “We were put on this Earth as creatures of God to have dominion over the Earth, to use it wisely and steward it wisely, but for our benefit not for the Earth’s benefit.”
BY DAVID SUZUKI
I
s the world getting nuttier? Looking at recent events in North America, it’s hard not to conclude that humanity is taking a crazy step backwards. I recall a time when science and scientists were taken seriously, but lately they’ve been getting knocked around, especially in the U.S. and Canada.
The State of Tennessee, for example, passed a law that allows teachers who don’t believe in evolution or human-caused climate change to challenge existing scientific theories. Yes, students should be encouraged to think critically and to question everything they are taught but, given the current political climate in the U.S., this is likely to lead to misinformation. In the 1920s, a Tennessee school
Some of these people put their misguided beliefs above rational thought. Republican senator James Inhofe, one of the more vocal and active climate change deniers in U.S. politics, recently said, “God’s still up there. The arrogance of people to think that we, human beings, would be able to change what He is doing in the climate is to me outrageous.” That statement is in keeping with the Cornwall Alliance’s Evangelical Declaration on Global Warming, which has been signed by a range of religious leaders, media people, and even some who work in climate science, such as Roy Spencer, David Legates, and Ross McKitrick. It
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says, in part, “We believe Earth and its ecosystems – created by God’s intelligent design and infinite power and sustained by His faithful providence – are robust, resilient, self-regulating, and selfcorrecting, admirably suited for human flourishing, and displaying His glory. Earth’s climate system is no exception.” It also states that reducing atmospheric carbon dioxide and fossil fuel use will “greatly increase the price of energy and harm economies.” And then there was this claim from Arizona Senator Sylvia Allen: “This Earth’s … been here 6,000 years, long before anybody had environmental laws, and somehow it hasn't been done away with. We need to get the uranium here in Arizona so this state can get the money from it and the revenues from it.” And so there you have it. The economy matters more than the environment, and God won’t let puny humans damage “His” 6,000-year-old creation anyway. That’s not to criticize religion; only those who let it blind them to science and who would use it to advance agendas that don’t even reflect the spirit of their own traditions. Lest we get too smug in Canada, we must remember that we have politicians who hold similar religious views and are just as anti-science, although Canada has so far managed to keep religion largely out of politics. But recent cutbacks to government
scientific research and staff show that many of our leaders also believe that the environment should take a back seat to corporate interests, and that any science that gets in the way must be hushed up or discredited. Never mind that the environment is real and that we depend on it for survival and that the economy is a human invention that can be altered to suit the times. Never mind that a longterm healthy economy depends on a healthy environment and that placing all our bets on non-renewable and polluting fuels is folly. These people want to ignore both the problems and the solutions for the sake of short-term and short-sighted benefits for a relatively small number of people. Whether they justify it with religion or political ideology, it still doesn’t make sense. Note: Last week’s column contained information about coal used for electricity in Canada. Those figures, from the Natural Resources Canada website, were not up to date. In fact, Ontario got 2.7 per cent of its electricity from coal last year. Written with contributions from David Suzuki Foundation Editorial and Communications Specialist Ian Hanington. Learn more at www.davidsuzuki.org.
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STAFF PICKS Wicked Websites Mary: Mookychick
T
he world wide web is full of wonders and discrepancies. My list of frequented websites is very large and understandably my list of bookmarks is a tangled mess, much like my overflowing closet. I go to Fangoria for all my horror industry updates, Drunk Duck for an overflowing archive of independent comics, an array of geeky websites to keep my fan girl antics sated as well as an amassed clutter of DIY, news and music websites. One of the best websites which compiles a majority of these themes is Mookychick.co.uk Mookychick is an excellent source of advice, information and style tips for the alternative female. It also promotes women to focus more so on making their mark instead of proprieties such as settling down, making babies and looking nice in a skirt. In short, Mookychick is the ultimate guide to being yourself, loving yourself and living for yourself, which is much more positive than *insert malicious rumour mill here.*
Susan: Regretsy
H
ere at theVAULTmagazine we are big fans of DIY culture. However, I myself am also a big fan of making fun of DIY culture, at least when it descends from cool and creative into pretentious and self-absorbed.
That’s why my favourite website is Regretsy. Tagline: where DIY meets WTF.
original work, when H&M stole her design and started selling it on guest towels.
Regretsy is a reaction to the ultimate of all handcrafters’ websites, Etsy, a huge and well-known marketplace for handmade goods. Regretsy is run blogstyle by Helen Killer, aka April Winchell in real (offline) life. Mainly, Winchell finds the most ridiculous items posted to Etsy and reposts them on Regretsy to make fun of them. Some examples of recent posts were a crocheted dog squeak toy in the shape of a bloody tampon, and a dress made out of a garbage bag. You just can’t make stuff like that up!
So next time you’re bored and need a laugh, surf on over to Regretsy and get your fill of crazy crafts made by hipsters. Believe it or not, you’ll be doing the world some good.
Before you feel too bad for the crafters who become the butt of Regretsy’s jokes, a posting on Regretsy tends to drive people en masse to the original post on Etsy, in turn bringing traffic and increased sales because part of the perverse pleasure of finding the weirdest and crappiest crafts in the world is owning some of them. Regretsy also turns up amazing treasures, like images of Spock and Captain Kirk made entirely out of thousands of spools of hanging thread (featured on Feb. 7). The site even commissions crafts and donates large sums of money to charity. In the process, Regretsy has also become somewhat of a champion of consumer rights, taking on Etsy by exposing many of the blatant resellers who post items made in China on the site, falsely claiming they are handmade. Regretsy took on PayPal when the company (stupidly) shut down a Christmas charity for kids Regretsy was running due to a strangely unclear policy on donations and won. And the site even pointed out a copyright infringement of an artist’s
Chris: TopDocumentaryFilms
S
everal years ago, a man known only as Vlatko started collecting documentaries from across the web. Today, his collection has swollen into the thousands and offers open-source (and otherwise) educational films on topics at least as varied as the world’s most prestigious libraries – my favourite website is topdocumentaryfilms.com. Along with award-winning professional and amateur documentaries, there is a mix of great material from the BBC, History Channel, Discovery Channel and other TV channels that only adds to the experience. In a world of 15-second sound bytes, grab and grin photo-ops and weather at 11:49, I value epic and artistic cinematography and long-form investigative journalism. The documentary form provides room for both of these, and having a one-stop web aggregate to gaze upon whatever subject I desire at any particular moment is really satisfying. I have spent countless hours procrastinating in front of topdocumentaryfilms.com. I’m learning, so it’s justified. It might pay off when I
get on Jeopardy!
Jenelle: Craigslist
I
moved home last year after living in Victoria, BC for three years. During that time Craigslist was extremely useful to me. Craigslist is a free online classified site. You can post as many listings as you’d like, add photos, edit your listings, erase them, whatever—you have complete control. Everything is well organized into categories and it is very user friendly.
With Craigslist, my boyfriend Tormaigh and I found jobs, we found our friends places to live, we’d score free furniture, we’d get cheap vacation rentals when our family came to visit, we’d buy and sell concert tickets, organize rideshares and on and on. Craigslist is an extremely useful website. Although there is a Craigslist page for the Peace Region, no one uses it—which negates its usefulness. When we were moving back to PR we tried to find a place to live and jobs and furniture and really anything that would make the transition easier, but we couldn’t there was no such online presence to help us. This was extremely disappointing for us as Craigslist had wormed its way into my life. If I had a problem—Craigslist was there to help me. I know next time I visit Victoria I will be using Craigslist to help me plan my vacation, and I will be ever grateful to have such a tool at my disposal.
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MARCH 3 0 , 20 12
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KINSEY CONFIDENTIAL
I
was giving my boyfriend a lap dance and
I That said, they often do help people make connections also likely myriad reasons why some women are quiet
had nothing on while he only had boxers on.
His
genitals were in contact with mine
through the fabric but only for seconds. said he never ejaculated at that time.
I have gotten pregnant from this?
He
Could
I
can’t imagine there being any pregnancy risk from this situation. Here’s why: first, there are typically no sperm in pre-ejaculate and as he didn’t actually ejaculate (i.e., no semen came out of his penis) then there were no sperm leaving his body. And without sperm, there can’t be a pregnancy. Second, he was wearing boxers so even if he did ejaculate, sperm don’t swim through clothes. That said, if you two aren’t ready to become parents, then use birth control. He can wear a condom during sex play and you could consider using birth control, too (such as the pill, patch, shot or vaginal ring). That way, if your sex play gets a little friskier than anticipated, you’re covered as best as you can be.
Are
on-line dating sites for hooking up to
have sex real or something for people to make money?
T
hey’re both. For-profit sites (for examples, sites that accept advertising money or that charge people to be members) are businesses and so they certainly exist to turn a profit just like any other for-profit business.
24 theVAULTmagazine
for dating or sexual encounters. That doesn’t mean that all of a site’s members will be successful in finding someone to date or have sex with, but the main sites that I know of do certainly help some people find others.
I
was wondering if there has been any
research done on why some women are loud during sex and why some women aren’t? so what did the research say?
Is
If
there any
logical, biological, cerebral, etc reason why this might be an occurrence or turn on/off?
T
here has been very, very little research on sounds that women (or men) make during sex. A recent research article suggested that one reason some women make noises during sex may be to enhance their partner’s arousal and thus encourage their partner to experience orgasm and, in the case of men, ejaculate and thus end intercourse. However, other research suggests that, at least for some women, noises are involuntarily emitted – meaning they just sort of come out. Some women likely feel turned on by making noises. Some likely started out making them to mimic what they saw in porn or in Hollywood movies; maybe they ended up liking it or feeling like it’s now a normal part of sex for them. And certainly some women use noises to fake orgasm. Bottom line: there are probably numerous reasons why women make noises during sex. There are
MARCH 3 0 , 20 12
(e.g., shame, embarrassment, kids down the hall, nosy neighbors, modesty, just never thought about making sounds, etc).
It is true that after several sexual acts with ejaculation completed you may feel weak? Thank you.
S
ome men feel tired or slightly weak after they ejaculate. In fact, it’s more common for men to feel a little sleep after sex and orgasms than women – at least anecdotally – but the reasons for this sex difference are not entirely clear. So yes, with repeated ejaculations, some men may feel more weak but that’s not to say that sex or ejaculation is bad for a man. It can be a very physical act, however, and there are various hormonal activities that occur during orgasm for men and women, so there are likely several reasons why a man may feel slightly fatigued after sex with or without ejaculation. Dr. Debby Herbenick is a sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute and author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction, Read My Lips: A Complete Guide to the Vagina and Vulva, The I Love You More Book, and Great in Bed. Find our blog, sex information, podcasts and archived Q&A at www.KinseyConfidential.org. Follow us on Twitter @ KinseyCon
FREE WILL ASTROLOGY by Rob Brezsny © Copyright 2012
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HOMEWORK:
Life is a bitch and then you die. APRIL FOOL! Here's the truth: Life is conspiring to give you exactly what you need, exactly when you need it.
ARIES (March 21-April 19): A few months after America LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): In his documentary film Prohibition, SAGITTARIUS invaded Iraq in 2003, soldier Brian Wheeler wrote the following to help us imagine what it was like over there: “Go to the worst crime-infested place you can find. Go heavily armed, wearing a flak jacket and a Kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a vacant lot. Announce to the residents that you are there to help them, and in the loudest voice possible yell that every Crip and Blood within hearing distance is a PANSY.” As a character-building exercise, Aries, I highly recommend you try something like this yourself. APRIL FOOL! I was just kidding. What I just said is not an accurate reading of the astrological omens. But this is: Get out of your comfort zone, yes, but with a smart gamble, not a crazy risk.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): According to a recent poll,
God’s approval rating has dipped below 40 percent for the first time on record. My research suggests the new low is due in part to a disproportionate amount of dissatisfaction by those born under the sign of Taurus. Can you fix this please? If you’re one of the discontent, please see if you can talk yourself into restoring some of your faith in the Divine Wow. APRIL FOOL! The real truth is, I encourage you to be skeptical in regards to all authorities, experts, and topdogs, including God. It’s an excellent time in your cycle to go rogue, to scream “I defy you, stars!” Be a rabblerousing, boat-rocking doubter.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Photographer Darrin Harris
Frisby doesn’t think people should smile in photographs. He regards it as “superficial and misleading.” In the greatest portraits ever painted, he says, the subject’s gaze is almost always neutral, “neither inviting nor forbidding.” Did Rembrandt ever show people grinning from ear to ear? No. Did Vermeer, Goya, Titian, Sargent, or Velasquez? Nope. Make that your guiding thought in the coming week, Gemini. Be a connoisseur of the poker face. APRIL FOOL! I lied. The truth is, in the coming week you will have more than ample reasons to be of good cheer. You should therefore express delight extravagantly.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Back in 1835, a newspaper
known as The New York Sun resorted to an extreme measure in order to boost readership: It ran a story about how the renowned astronomer Sir John Herschel had perfected a telescope that allowed him to see life forms on the moon, including unicorns, two-legged beavers that had harnessed fire, and sexually liberated “manbats.” If I’m reading the astrological omens correctly, Cancerian, you temporarily have license to try something almost equally as wild and experimental to “boost your readership.” APRIL FOOL! I lied about the unicorns. Don’t refer to cliched chimeras like them. But it’s fine to invoke more unexpected curiosities like fire-using beavers and sexually liberated manbats.
Ken Burns reports on the extreme popularity of alcohol in 19th-century America. He says that the typical person over 15 years of age drank 88 bottles of whiskey a year. In light of the current astrological omens, Leo, I suggest you increase your intake to that level and even beyond. APRIL FOOL! I lied. It’s not literal alcoholic spirits you should be ingesting in more abundance, but rather big ideas that open your mind, inspirational sights and sounds that dissolve your inhibitions, and intriguing people who expand your worldview.
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Do not under any circumstances put on a frog costume, go to a shopping mall, and ride around on a unicycle while reciting erotic poetry in German through a megaphone. APRIL FOOL! I lied. That wouldn’t be such a terrible use of your time. The astrological omens suggest that you will be visited by rather unusual creative surges that may border on being wacky. Personally, though, I would prefer it if you channeled your effervescent fertility in more highly constructive directions, like dreaming up new approaches to love that will have a very practical impact on your romantic life.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): A woman in Euclid, Ohio claims CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): In F. Scott Fitzgerald’s her house is haunted by randy ghosts. “They have sex in my living room,” Dianne Carlisle told a TV news reporter. “You can see the lady’s high-heeled shoes.” I suspect you may soon be dealing with a similar problem, Virgo. So consider the possibility of hiring an X-rated exorcist. APRIL FOOL! The naked truth is that you will not be visited by spooks of any kind, let alone horny ones. However, you would be smart to purify and neutralize old karma that might still be haunting your love life or your sex life. Consider performing a do-ityourself exorcism of your own memories.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): In Karley Sciortino’s NSFW
blog Slutever.com, she announces that “this blog is intended to trick strangers into thinking my life is more exciting than it actually is.” I highly recommend you adopt that approach, Libra. Do whatever it takes -- lying, deceiving, exaggerating, bragging -- to fool everyone into believing that you are a fascinating character who is in the midst of marvelous, high-drama adventures. APRIL FOOL! I wasn’t totally sincere about what I just said. The truth is, your life is likely to be a rousing adventure in the coming days. There’ll be no need to pretend it is, and therefore no need to cajole or trick others into thinking it is.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): “Before you diagnose yourself
with depression or low self-esteem,” said author William Gibson, “first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by a--holes.” This is a good time to check in with yourself, Scorpio, and see if Gibson’s advice applies to you. Lately, the jackass quotient seems to have been rising in your vicinity. APRIL FOOL! I was half-joking. It’s true that you should focus aggressively on reducing the influence of jerks in your life. At the same time, you should also ask yourself rather pointedly how you could reduce your problems by changing something about yourself.
novel The Great Gatsby, Daisy Buchanan is stirred to the point of rapture by Jay Gatsby’s silk shirts. “I’ve never seen such beautiful shirts before,” she sobs, burying her face in one as she sits in his bedroom. I sincerely hope you will have an equivalent brush with this kind of resplendence sometime soon, Capricorn. For the sake of your mental and even physical health, you need direct contact with the sublime. APRIL FOOL! I half-lied. It’s true that you would profoundly benefit from a brush with resplendence. But I can assure you that plain old material objects, no matter how lush and expensive, won’t do the trick for you.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Last December a woman
in Tulsa, Oklahoma made creative use of a Wal-Mart. She gathered various ingredients from around the shelves, including lighter fluid, lithium, and drain cleaner, and set up a meth lab right there in the back of the store. She’s your role model for the coming week, Aquarius. APRIL FOOL! I lied, kind of. The woman I mentioned got arrested for illegal activity, which I don’t advise you to do. But I do hope you will ascend to her levels of ingenuity and audacity as you gather all the resources you need for a novel experiment.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): A Filipino man named Herbert
Chavez has had extensive plastic surgery done to make himself resemble Superman. Consider making him your role model, Pisces. I hope he inspires you to begin your own quest to rework your body and soul in the image of your favorite celebrity or cartoon hero. APRIL FOOL! I lied. In fact, you’d be wise to avoid comparing yourself to anyone else or remolding yourself to be like anyone else. The best use of the current cosmic tendencies would be to brainstorm about what exactly your highest potentials are, and swear a blood oath to become that riper version of yourself.
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Jonesin’ Crossword
Matt Jones (editor@jonesincrosswords.com)
"No Way!"--Let's clean it up.
1 Summarize 6 Yellowfin tuna 9 Pinocchio's was apt to grow 13 North of the Iran-Contra hearings 14 Fanged movie creature, for short 15 Tree of Knowledge spot 16 Japanese city 17 "___ le roi!" 18 Part of a November count 19 They offer hyped-up sermons? 22 "Traffic" org. 23 German region with lots of coal (anagram of SARA) 24 Type of insurance 27 What paintings do, in an art gallery? 33 Weather vane dir. 34 "In the Valley of ___" (2007 Tommy Lee Jones film) 35 Planet featured in "Attack of the Clones" 36 Herbie the Love Bug, for more mature audiences? 40 Related to a pelvic bone 41 Boxing Australians 42 "Do the ___" (soft drink catchphrase) 43 Gollum-like phrase for getting a strike in bowling? 46 KISS frontman Simmons 47 "Zip-___-Doo-Dah" 48 Plant on college buildings 50 They've cleaned up the four theme entries above 57 "Switched-On Bach" synthesizer 58 "___ Lap" (1 983 film) 59 Surname of the brothers behind "It's Your Thing" 60 Part of Julius Caesar's dying words, supposedly 61 Count starting word 62 Unit for light bulbs 63 Nutjob 64 Four Monopoly properties, for short 65 Defeat crushingly
Down
1 It may be saved for dessert 2 Actress Lanchester 3 Scottish family 4 Martial art meaning "the way of harmonious spirit" 5 What the V sign symbolizes 6 Two-time Indy 500 winner ___ Luyendyk 7 Lake ___, Ariz. (current home of the former London Bridge) 8 Polar covering 9 Worse than a has-been 10 Funk 11 Collector's collections 12 Carbon compound suffix 14 Commercial skipper, perhaps 20 Italian woman's name 21 Butthole Surfers lead singer Gibby 24 Anticipate 25 Jermaine, to Prince Michael 26 "Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get" author 28 Helmet ___ (reality show prop) 29 "SNL" alum Oteri 30 Put up with 31 "Two Women" actress Sophia 32 Lerner's "My Fair Lady" collaborator 34 Do a cryptographer's job 37 Speed trap tool 38 King with big hair 39 Calf told to "git along" 44 Finder:keeper::loser___: 45 It precedes lands, world or regions 46 Drywall component 49 Bridal covers 50 ___ speak 51 "And your little dog too!" dog 52 Without 53 Twisted, like a smile 54 "Being ___: A Puppeteer's Journey" (2011 documentary) 55 Stink up the joint 56 Last word of a New Years' song 57 "Spaceballs" director Brooks Š2012 Jonesin’ Crosswords
26 theVAULTmagazine
MARCH 3 0 , 20 12
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Across
SUDOKU To Play: Complete the grid so that every row, column and every 3x3 box contains the digits 1 to 9. There is no guessing or math involved, just use logic to solve.
PUZZLES & HUMOUR
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Obscure Wizardry
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