theVAULTmagazine ~ Issue 2 by VAULTmedia

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Issue #2 - October 14, 2011

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theVAULTmagazine Issue #2 - October 14, 2011 Editor/Publisher

SECTIONS

Social Media/Reception

04 Inside the Vault 10 Entertainment 12 Community Calendar 14 Arts 16 Lifestyle 18 Reader Submitted 20 Oddities 21 Humour 22 Puzzles & Comics

Jenelle Lizotte Tormaigh Van Slyke Mary Warren

Logo Design Michael Boone

Layout Design

Jenelle Lizotte Christine Taylor Tormaigh Van Slyke Chris Zwick

Distributor

Buzz Lorenzen

Website Design

Sush Wong & Doug Hurst, Wild Card Technology Solutions

Ad Design

Clayton Hall Aimie Williams Sush Wong

Ad Sales

Tormaigh Van Slyke

Photography

Paul Lavoie Jenelle Lizotte Tormaigh Van Slyke

Contributors Buzz Lorenzen Caylah Lyons Mark Rieder Mary Warren Chris Zwick

FEAture 08

Giveâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;r in Peace River

10506 101 St. Peace River, AB T8S 1L1 thevaultmagazine@hotmail.com (780) 624-1985 theVAULTmagazine is available free of charge at over 50 locations in the greater Peace Region every other Friday. We are funded solely through the support of our advertisers. theVAULTmagazine is published bi-weekly by Platoâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Cave Publishing. No content herein can be reproduced without written consent of the publisher. We accept contributions provided they are the property of the contributor and are offered exclusively to theVAULTmagazine. The publisher assumes no responsibility for the return or safety of contributed materials and therefore will not be held responsible. All opinions or statements expressed do not necessarily represent those of the publisher or staff. The reader must understand that all information presented in this publication is from various sources, therefore theVAULTmagazine cannot be held responsible for any accuracy, completeness or legalities. We ask that each reader take only one copy, unless your grabbing one for your friend. That is all.

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INSIDE THE VAULT NEWS SNIPPETS Alberta Swears In New Premier Alison Redford was sworn in as Alberta’s 14th Premier in a ceremony held at the Alberta Legislature in Edmonton on Oct.7th. During the ceremony, the BC born Premier pledged to take immediate action on the priorities of Albertans. Redford, the first premier since Don Getty (1985-1992) to hold a university degree, has an impressive background. The former lawyer was the MLA for the Calgary-Elbow constituency, she was the Minister of Justice and Attorney-General under her predecessor Ed Stelmach and she was the Senior Policy Advisor to Joe Clark, to name a few of her career’s highlights. Redford is Alberta’s first, and Canada’s eighth, female Premier. For the first time in Canada’s history, four provinces/territories simultaneously have four female Premiers.

Alberta Pipeline Vandalized Calgary Corp to Turn Flared Waste into Energy

Apple CEO Steve Jobs Dead at 56

Downtown PR Closer to Free WiFi

According to the Calgary Herald, Genalta Power has entered into an agreement with Husky Energy to generate energy from gas that is currently flared at a Husky production site near Peace River.

On Oct. 5, Apple announced that co-founder and former CEO Steve Jobs had passed away.

The status of the free WiFi to be offered in downtown Peace River was on the agenda for the Peace River Town Council meeting on Oct. 3.

According to CBC, unknown vandals have damaged a pipeline owned by Canadian Natural Resources Ltd. causing a leak that spilled 30,000 litres of oil and water onto the ground. The spill took place in the Clear Prairie region west of Hwy 64 near the BC/Alberta border. The RCMP say specialized tools were used to tamper with 2 valves and to remove a plug sometime between Sunday, Oct. 9 and Monday, Oct. 10th. According to the Energy Resources Conservation Board, the spill has been contained and efforts to repair the pipeline and clean the spill are underway.

According to a Genalta press release, the “Cadotte Waste Fuel to Power Project” will generate 3 Megawatts of power—nearly enough to power every home in Peace River. The project, which has been in development for over 1 year, could be up and running as early as summer 2012. Genalta intends to sell the power back to the local distribution grid.

Clear Prairie is 184 km northwest of Peace River.

In a statement, Apple said, “The world is immeasurably better because of Steve.” It was later reported that Jobs, who had been battling pancreatic cancer since 2004, had died of a respiratory arrest as a complication of his advanced illness. In August 2011, Jobs had resigned as CEO of Apple, but remained chairman of the board. As of Oct. 2011, Jobs is listed as either the primary or co-inventor of 342 patents or patent applications that span a wide range of technological innovations. Those interested can send condolences, thoughts, or memories to rememberingsteve@apple.com

The project, which has switched management to the Communications Coordinator since the Economic Development Officer stepped down, has recently made some headway. Currently, the project has been priced out. The use of ATCO’s lamp posts has been discussed with the energy giant, and quotes are being considered. However, follow-up from ATCO and research regarding covering costs still need to be completed. According to the status report, if ATCO complies and the contracts are signed, the project should take as little as 2-8 weeks before it is operational.

PEACE RIVER IS CULTUREVILLE 2011 BY MARY WARREN

RiverFlow Organizer, Susan Thompson

he atmosphere was electric as our vibrant community of Peace River united with limited notice to show Alberta why we should be voted Cultureville 2011. Much like the strong jolting winds that day, CBC’s camera crew for Cultureville swept quickly through our town like a whirlwind kicking up all sorts of excitement. Many of us found ourselves exhilarated by the prospect of winning such a notable title and potentially being caught on film by a professional camera crew. In support, we came together

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at the art centric Java Domainn and later at Riverfront Park for a very special RiverFlow, organized by Susan Thompson. Local bands were more than willing to share their music, pour their hearts into the instruments, and motivate the crowd. Very special guests Another Reason Why were also invited back to the park after being chased out earlier this summer. Another Reason Why appeared eager to please, and fans were psyched to support them. Masters of fire spun their poi and fans in a hypnotic dance of flames and peaceful tranquility. It was a bizarre experience to witness such dangerous warmth handled with such soulful delicacy and a sense of calm.

Traditional drums pounded and Aboriginal dancers delighted crowds with a colorful display, a cultural sight of our Canadian heritage. Agile hips swayed and rotated as hoops twirled around energetic bodies, spinning in an endless continuum. Artists and event organizations of Peace River gathered to share what they represented to raise a greater awareness of what is happening around us. All these displays of our culture were filmed and woven into a wonderful 3 minute masterpiece—a complete montage of Peace River culture. Evidently, our spunk and vibrancy paid off. On September 29th, Peace River was announced Cultureville 2011. Undoubtedly, this will make us more than just

another dot on a map as we will now be provincially recognized for our cultural achievement. As the winners of Cultureville, we have a social obligation to continue proving we are in fact a cultural dynamo. Peace River is the home to so many young talented people; we should celebrate our talents more openly and frequently. We have no excuse anymore, it is apparent for all to see that we have masters of various art forms residing here who are more than willing to share their amazing talents. We are Cultureville. Live it, celebrate it, and allow it to evolve into something more. Let’s not be the winners of Cultureville for the sake of social vanity.

INSIDE THE VAULT

R e d n e c k e r y : BY CHRIS ZWICK

Redneck: it’s such a confusing term. As rural residents we’re often lumped in with the group sometimes affectionately referred to as such. Should we take it as an insult? Yes. It’s a word that’s undergone several evolutions since its 17th century origins. The historical rednecks were a group of Scottish, Presbyterian farmers who defied the Church of England by proudly wearing a red cloth around their necks. A couple hundred years later their descendents would find themselves in the Appalachians and

many would fight for the South in the American Civil War, for the cause of slavery, when many couldn’t even afford slaves. Even though the South was beaten, the southern ethos spread throughout the countryside and eventually redneck came to be known simply as a poor, uneducated, white farmer – the classical definition. As we move into the modern era, the definition broadens even further – no longer is the redneck we know necessarily a poor, uneducated farmer, or white.

Many people pointed that out when we took to the streets to find out what a modern-day

The Ignorant and Proud

redneck looks like. Instead of the stereotypical straw hat, worn flannel shirt and suspenders made-of-rope kind of redneck, many say today’s rednecks can be affluent, educated people, and that the attitude spans across racial and occupational spectrums. It’s a laughing matter, apparently. Of the dozen or so people queried in the street the majority were ready to dive into a Jeff Foxworthy stand-up comedy routine before they realized it was a serious question. That’s seems like a problem considering the derogatory connotations they conveyed. Posed with what

a redneck actually was, many cited definitions like, racist, sexist, hick, white-trash, breeders, alcoholics, wife-beaters, violent, fundamentalist and close-minded. But it’s harder than you might think to actually find a redneck, even a modern one, in rural northwestern Alberta on a Sunday afternoon. They have to be out there though, rednecks are even being marketed to, so there has to be a significant number. Nearly every third song on the radio glorifies the white trash, redneck attitude, many are very tongue-in-cheek, but true rednecks don’t understand that

concept. “They’re hiding in plain sight,” said one woman in her mid 30s. The neo-redneck movement must be strong, but it seems to have gone underground. When they’re in groups of their own the old-school hatred of brown people tends to come out more than when in the company of strangers. They know enough to know they’re wrong and they’re smart enough to hide it in public, but they’re not smart enough to change. The new definition: Anyone who is proud to be proud of their ignorance. Are you proud?

theVAULTmagazine Tells it Like it is.

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INSIDE THE VAULT

SECOND DAY NEWS

Distrust and Paranoia on Wall Street BY MARK RIEDER

here are likely a lot of frayed nerves on Wall Street lately. While still feeling the effects of one of the most infamous recessions in recent history, many media pundits are now talking about a double-dip recession. But at least one watcher of economic trends in the Peace region says we may very well be passed over if the economy does turn for the worse.

2011 Small Business Week The County of Northern Lights congratulates business owners within

Randy Hodgkinson, general manager of Community Futures Peace Country – a nonprofit economic development organization based in Peace River, says though many jobs were lost, the region was insulated to a certain degree by the 2008 recession. “We have seen a huge demand for skilled labour that’s not there,” he said. He explains that the Hibernia oilfields in the Maritimes and other factors prompted many experienced workers to leave, creating the new demand. Hodgkinson points out that the region’s retail industry was hit hard by the recession but at the same time, a local oilfield contractor has been extremely successful. “There‘s a huge discrepancy from industry to industry,” he said. There are indications that if the double-dip recession occurs, job losses are more likely to occur for lower income

workers effectively widening the gap between rich and poor. Hodgkinson says the doubledip can’t be compared to the 2008 recession, believed to be a result of questionable banking practices. “This is not the same, this is a confidence thing,” he said. But looking at the overall economic forecast in the Peace region, Hodgkinson says the increased demand for energy will mean a surge of oilsand activity, creating even more need for skilled workers in an already depleting workforce. He says if local people get the necessary training, they can fill those positions. And as a result, open up jobs for unskilled labourers. Another factor that Hodgkinson says added to the decline in skilled workers was frustration over job instability inherent in the energy sector. Some workers chose to either risk starting their own small business or retrain for 9 to 5 jobs. Not surprisingly, it is instabil-

ity in the overall economic system that has a lot of people frustrated with investment banks and the stock market. Over the last three or four years, independent groups of people working under the banner of the ‘Zeitgeist Movement’ have spread a philosophy that calls into question the very foundation of capitalism and the global monetary system itself. Some of the demands by a group of protesters that are trying to “occupy Wall Street” are reminiscent of the Zeitgeist philosophy. There are no indications that the banks or the stock markets have changed any of the practices that brought about the first recession. Indeed, Canada’s six largest banks posted all time high profits of $5.3 billion in early 2010. American billionaire Warren Buffet was toast of the town when he reinvested billions of dollars to buy up stocks. He was cheered as a hero for doing it. What was overlooked is the fact that Buffet made his billions by selling stock before the recession. So while he made what was likely

a blockbuster bankroll prior to the crash, many small investors and day traders saw their life savings go up in smoke. In mid September stock market analyst Allesio Rastini shocked the BBC and caused a stir when he claimed quite plainly that stock market investors like himself “dream of another recession”. His claim was that they are able to buy up the trashed stocks at bargain basement prices, wait for the recovery, then sell them and wait for the crash and so on. Though many financial traders rushed to call the interview a hoax, there is no reason to believe Rastini was lying. Whatever the reasons for the Wall Street protest, it is an example of a growing unease and suspicion over the global economy and corporate greed. It seems that in a society where corporations are given the same rights as an individual, yet have the wealth and power of a nation, distrust and paranoia become increasingly reasonable states of mind.

the North Peace Region for their hard work and dedication to the residents of our communities. To find out what’s happening during Small Business Week in the County visit: CountyofNorthernLights.com or Economic Development at call 780-836-3348 ext. 229

Peace River Pioneers quarterback Jason Lambert (#6) leads the pack towards the end zone last Sept. 30 Friday Night Lights game at Glenmary field. Lambert, who missed the season opener against the Peace Wapiti Academy Titans the week before, went on to play a major role in the Pioneer’s 45-13 win against Grande Prairie’s St. Joseph Celtics. The Pioneers are 4 and 0 so far this season. The team will return to action with another home game on Saturday, Oct. 15 at 2 p.m., when they host the Grande Prairie Composite Warriors at Glenmary Field.

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INSIDE THE VAULT

SECOND DAY NEWS

Despite hype, new premier won’t change much BY CHRIS ZWICK Some are calling it a coup for the lefty, pinko crowd in Alberta – an elaborate ruse perpetrated by unionists and environmentalists to infiltrate and blow apart the ruling PC Party from the inside. Really? The biggest threat to Premier Alison Redford’s reign and to her party is hardly coming from the left, but from the other side of the spectrum. When the Conservatives just aren’t conservative enough, you must be in Alberta. Recognizing that people are craving change in Alberta politics, Redford promised just that. Time will tell if it was little more than electioneering but it does seem odd—the new leader of a party that has been in power for 40 years promising change during a leadership campaign. The logic seems to eat itself. She campaigned against the “old boys club” and promised to prioritize health care and restore education funding to appeal to the more progressive factions of the party and even bring in votes from traditionally non-

PC voters. There’s no question it put her over the top, even though she was not the first choice of the majority of voters. The Redford camp knew how to utilize the system they were in. The preferential second vote method, implemented by the party itself, was perpetual frontrunner Gary Mar’s undoing. It’s actually a more democratic system than anything we’re used to seeing in provincial or federal politics, which really isn’t saying much considering just over 37,000 people chose the new leader of our province, and they paid a fee to do so. Now with an anticipated provincial election on the horizon, it might actually get interesting. Alberta’s conservative alternative to the Progressive Conservatives has Redford squarely in their unregistered long guns’ sights’. U.S Republican-style attack ads hit the airwaves a day after the new premier was designated, courtesy of the Wildrose Party. Wildrose leader Danielle Smith is already billing the next election as a clear choice between her right and their left,

but what she fails and/or refuses to recognize is the long Tory tradition of governing from the centre and having the ability to go left when it needs to, then go right. Sure, politics are boring, but they’re designed that way so you won’t pay attention. I suggest trying to think of the whole thing as a reality show. Will the new premier overcome the challenges to truly unite her alliance, or will unseen forces rip the dynasty apart at the seams? Will the dastardly Mr. Mar have his revenge? Will Mr. Horner receive his just-desserts for his backroom loyalty? Will Mr. Morton be driven into the arms of Ms. Smith’s Wildrose Party? Stay tuned for a brand new episode. Will any of it make any difference whatsoever? Do you really have to ask? You’re in Alberta, and whether its genetics, massapathy, or the lack of a truly competitive alternative, the status quo is always the way to go.

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THE FEATURE Dean Murdoch: On his band, his films, and the hard north

October 20th, prepare to give’r to your liver in Peace River. Deaner, the friendly, sometimes condescending and unmanageable alcoholic of the FUBAR movie franchise, is taking over Athabasca Hall.

behind the magic,” says Deaner but explains that the movie is mostly unrehearsed. “Like acid trips, and getting wasted, and seeing peeler bars, and titties, and stuff like that was all real,” said Deaner in a telephone interview with theVAULTmagazine.

The doors blow open at 7 p.m. and the night will begin with a screening of FUBAR 2 featuring Deaner’s live commentary.

Dean Murdoch (played by Paul J. Spence) and Terry Cahill (played by David Lawrence) rose to fame following the unassuming release of FUBAR, the 2002 cult-classic mockumentary that was filmed in four weeks on a shoe-string budget. In fact, the duo still use their on-screen

“Oh yeah fuck, we’re going to show FUBAR 2 and we’re going to just chatterbox and drink beer. Basically, it will be a little bit of

personas in all their public appearances and interviews. FUBAR documents Deaner and Terry’s day-to-day routine of headbanging and getting trashed. To complicate things, Deaner finds out he has testicular cancer and he is forced to deal with losing his right nut. Exuding bravery, and several moments of indignity, the two cut out a slice of real Albertan subculture as they voice their sometimes intolerant points of view, their hopes, dreams, and aspirations to “just give’r” whilst they swear and altogether tease

the hell out of one another. As fate, or legend, would have it, after the first movie Deaner and Terry stayed true to their characters off-screen. During the eight years before the sequel was made, these Albertan anti-heroes continued to spend their time shotgunning Pilsners, playing driveway hockey, and camping—basically they continued to piss away time and money. Seemingly, out of nowhere arose an opportunity: FUBAR 2: Balls to the Wall. By this time, as the story goes, the two were broke and running out of options. They were evicted from their place. It was time for a change. Deaner explains being approached to do FUBAR 2. “They were like, ‘Oh some in-

“free money” in a Worker’s Compensation scam, and finds out his cancer has returned. Deaner now loses his left nut, and finds it harder than ever in the “ice palace.” Everything falls apart, and he becomes suicidal, until he finally finds his voice and rejoices. Deaner tells me what it was like during that hard time, “It’s not just working on the pipelines or on the oil rigs or on the tar sands or whatever, but it’s hard living in the middle of fucking nowhere. I mean like you’re up in Peace River. That’s pretty fucking far from pretty much everything, y’know. So, you guys know what it’s like. It’s fucking hard...in the river, y’know...hard in the Peace.” Nutless, and with a renewed lust

I WANT YOU TO TELL PEACE RIVER THAT WE’RE PRETTY F*CKING STOKED TO COME OUT THERE.

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teresting stuff is going on.’ One of the things was, like, Terry got a new job--that’s kinda interesting—and my new band was sorta getting together, so they were like, ‘Oh let’s see what’s up with Terry and Deaner again.’ So they flicked on them cameras and there we go,” said Deaner.

for life, Deaner brings us to present day—ready to totally rock Athabasca Hall this Thursday. On tour with his band Night Seeker, Deaner has embarked on a cross-country adventure. So what is Night Seeker? According to Deaner, “It’s a fucking deadly force.”

FUBAR 2, released in 2010, packs in comedy and satire with a much bigger budget. This time around, Deaner and Terry land pipeline jobs in Fort McMurray after an incidental house-wrecking eviction party. The northern Alberta winter and sixteen hour workdays are not easy to endure, but these headbangers were down to their last shrapnel; they needed to make cash. Their ultimate prosperity leads them to West Edmonton Mall where they have a blast and blow most of their cash.

“Well basically it’s a fable about this mythical creature that was this great hunter, but it only hunted at night. If someone lost something in the forest, or if someone got lost, y’know,” Deaner pauses and whispers, “they would call the Night Seeker.”

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Deaner continues, “It was this wild beast, and it would always find what it was looking for, every time, but you would always have to pay this heavy price to get what you wanted back. You would have to ransom your whole farm, or

THE FEATURE you would have to basically give up your virgin daughter, unless of course your virgin daughter was missing, then he would take something else, but you know what I’m saying.” Night Seeker’s tour begins in BC and ends in Quebec, with the majority of dates in Alberta. “I want you to tell Peace River that we’re pretty fucking stoked to come out there. And, y’know, I fucking like it up there. The air is a little thinner, and the sky is a little bluer, so we’re pretty fucking pumped to come up there and kick some ass,” said Deaner. Prior to our interview, Deaner had been practicing for the tour by himself in his neighbour’s shed. “I like to sorta practice on my own without, y’know, the band there sometimes— y’know, like to get my fuckin finger strength up.” In past interviews, Deaner has been careful to not unveil the identity of his band mates, but theVAULTmagazine did get some insight: “We got this guy; he sings pretty much like every single high note, ever. He basically sings like an angel, kinda like me. So you got a lot of fingers out there, like Sebastian Bach, but this guy, he can fucking tickle the fret board like you wouldn’t fucking believe. He’s basically like a rocket scientist but he decided to put his efforts into the fret board on his guitar.” Deaner let out that this rocket scientist’s first name is Ian. Deaner went on describing his lineup with building enthusiasm. “And then we have another guitar player. He is equally as fucking deadly on the guitar too. I mean, his style is a little more wild. He’ll take you places on the guitar that you couldn’t image going. He is like the magic carpets of guitar players. His name is Choyce.” Last but not least, Deaner told me about Night Seeker’s formidable percussionist, “And then we got this drummer, Poof, because sometimes he just, like, fucking disappears. He is basically like the artillery; like, you got a war going on and your artillery

is like a cannon blasting at the back of a fucking battlefield, blazing the trail for everybody else. That’s what he’s all about.” When asked, Deaner explained that his best buddy Terry would not likely make an appearance in Peace River. “No Terry ain’t in the band at all. He’s pretty good at listening to music, but he ain’t so good at playing it. So I don’t know if he’s coming to any of the shows; like, we’ll see. But he’s married now. You know how that fucking works. It’s a noble institution that I don’t want any fucking part of. We still see each other often, y’know, like fuck, he still likes to giv’r like anybody else, but you gotta tend to the home fires as well as the party fire, y’know.” I guess things change; they evolve. After nearly a decade of Deaner, FUBAR, and now a new beginning with Night Seeker, Paul J. Spence has taken his fans on a wild ride of unyielding fiction. From rags to riches, from sickness to health, from a nobody to a star, and back again, Deaner shows no signs of stopping. So what will happen to the Deaner once the tour is over? Will he evolve further? Will there be a FUBAR 3? “Ah, who the fuck knows, I mean, I don’t even know if tomorrow is coming, fuck. I hope so. It is pretty fun, y’know. It’s pretty cool.” As our interview nears to a close, Deaner imparts on me his philosophy of rock ‘n’ roll, “I think, like, one of the main things about rock n’ roll is ‘no pain no pleasure,’ y’know? I guess the thing is you can’t start at the top. Like good luck Francis Bean starting a fucking rock band. You’ll always be compared to somebody else. Either way, you’re always starting at the bottom. Adversity is basically like a key, and if you use the key of adversity to open the door of rock, like I did, then, y’know, you’re laughing with the giggle gas they give you at the dentist.”

@Dean_Murdoch: Selected Tweets “Every time I check into a hotel the front desk person thinks I’m there to fix the f*ckin elevator.” “You know you put back a ton of cold ones when yer elbows stink like a f*ckin bar table the whole f*ckin day after.” “There’s really nothing like getting b*tch slapped by a peelers titty after a long days work.” “I drink, therefore I slam. #wordsofwizardom” “Double beer homicide about twenty minutes ago when I f*ckin fell down a flight of stairs while two-fisting. My mouth is really pissed at me.” “The best part of January is you can be like, “I’ve been drunk all f*ckin year” and it’s a true story.”

WIN TICKETS TO SEE NIGHT SEEKER EMAIL THEVAULTMAGAZINE@HOTMAIL.COM WITH “DEANER” IN THE SUBJECT LINE AND TELL US WHY YOU SHOULD WIN theVAULTmagazine will contact the winner via email on October 18th. The show is 18+. Minors can attend with a parent or guardian.

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ENTERTAINMENT Wool on Wolves

he five members of the Canadian folk/rock band Wool on Wolves probably aren’t going to give up their day jobs anytime soon. Not because they’re bad musicians, but because they have seven university degrees between them. Their collective level of education has influenced their music and was the inspiration for their debut album Grey Matter, an intelligent and surprisingly poignant first offering.

Wool on wolves, an Edmonton-based folk/rock band played a free concert as part of CKUA’s Alberta Backstage Series program at Belle petroleum Centre, Sept.30. Pictured (l-r) are Brody Irvine and lead singer Thomas Reike.

Edmonton folk/rock band Wool on Wolves played a free concert at Belle Petroleum Centre, simulcast on CKUA as part of the station’s Alberta Backstage Series, Sept. 30. Pictured (l-r) are Brody Irvine, Kevin George and Thomas Reikie.

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The Edmonton-based group put on a free concert at Peace River’s Belle Petroleum Centre on September 30th as part of CKUA’s Alberta Backstage Series. Host Grant Stovel interviewed the band during the concert that was broadcast live. As usual, Peace River’s setting and friendly residents had the band practically gushing about their short stay. And even after CKUA cut the live feed and started packing up their equipment, the band kept playing. Musically, the band is a multitalented lot, so it’s not unusual to see them trading instruments with each other between songs. Even percussionist Kevin George stepped out from behind the

drums and picked up a banjo for a couple of songs. Though front man Thomas Reikie’s voice has a typical country twang that lets you know the music is folk, it does so without hitting you too hard over the head. Meanwhile, backup vocalist/guitarist Brody Irvine steals the limelight with his stage presence and Joe Cocker-esque body contortions. Eric Leydon on trumpet, drums and accordion, and Gordon Brassnett on guitar, bass and piano round out the band. The young band already has a small but solid collection of original numbers in their repertoire. Their single “Honeybee” is a whimsical number about a burgeoning relationship; and according to the video, it’s one between a brown bear and a bee. Their other single “Thick as Thieves” is more of a ballad with a kind of redemption theme to it. The group played at the 2011 Edmonton Music Awards last March and have already garnered a small but fervent following around the city. They just wrapped up a short tour through southern Ontario, playing in Toronto, Waterloo, and Hamilton.

ENTERTAINMENT

REAL STEEL A REVIEW BY BUZZ LORENZEN Starring: Hugh Jackman, Evangeline Lilly, Dakota Goyo Director: Shawn Levy

eal Steel is set in the near future where human boxers have been replaced by huge fighting robots. More than that, though, it is about the bond between a father and a son. Hugh Jackman plays Charlie Kenton, a former boxer who now manages substandard robots. Kenton’s luck changes when his son Max finds a robot in a scrapyard. Charlie gets another chance to fight and Max gets what he really wants, to bond with his estranged father. This theme is can be an all-toofamiliar one, when the demands of work can detract from family life. For a flick about giant robots ripping each other’s heads off, this film really got me emotionally involved in the life of Charlie, a man who deals with being a single father absent from his son’s life. On a somewhat lighter note, the robots themselves looked great and even began to feel more humanized by the end of the film.

role somewhat flat and almost felt as if she were there merely as an unnecessary romantic interest for Hugh Jackman. She does, however, feel almost human by the end of the movie.

DID YOU KNOW? REAL STEEL IS BASED OFF A SHORT STORY BY I AM LEGEND AUTHOR RICHARD MATHESON. THE FILM TOOK IN 27.3 MILLION IN THE NORTH AMERICAN BOX OFFICE OPENING WEEKEND.

Here lies another problem with most modern films, why do we need a romantic interest in a movie about giant fighting robots? Folks, this is comes not a critic but a true fan of the medium—movies are there to make money. We can pretend that the artists are trying to spread some deeper message, but ultimately the concept of needing a romantic interest for a movie about a father, a son, and some killer robots, comes back to the producers wanting to give this movie broad appeal. It is my contention that movie makers believe that somehow women wouldn’t want to go see a movie that didn’t have Hugh Jackman getting the girl at the end. However, with that being said and all of Hollywood’s many flaws put behind us, I genuinely enjoyed this movie. I liked: Rock‘em Sock‘em Robots the movie! I disliked: A sometimes slow moving story in between the big robots fighting. Favorite scene: Robot vs. Bull!

I mostly found Evangeline Lilly’s

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OCTOBER Calendar

Email theVAULTmagazine to add your event. to the calendar thevaultmagazine@hotmail.com SUNDAY, OCT

HOLISTIC HEALING EXPO (Educational) Girouxville Hall. For people looking for new ways to improve their health. FREE. YOGA (Fitness) - Belle Centre (P.R. Martial Arts Centre - North Side Door). 4pm - From Oct. 2 Dec. 18. BYO Yoga Mat & Blanket. Beginner and Intermediate. Gentle Flow. Drop in $10. For more info call Lynn at 780-624-4249.

MONDAY, OCT

TUESDAY, OCT

WEDNESDAY, OCT

CONVERSATION CORNER (Seniors) - Golden Age Club 12pm - For more info call Jean 7810-837-2220.

PARENTS AND TOTS (Family) - Mamowintowin Hall. 1:30-3pm. Every Wednesday. For more info call 780-322-3954

PEACE RIVER COMMUNITY CHOIR (Community) - Good Shepherd School Courtyard 7-9pm - All singers (16+) welcome, especially men. Rehearsals every Tuesday. For more info call Joan 780-624-1256.

TAKING OFF POUNDS SENSIBLY (TOPS) (Fitness) - Grimshaw Hospital 6:30pm - For more info call Linda 780-322-7443

STAGE FRIGHT THRILLUSION SHOW (Family) - Belle Petroleum Centre 3pm - $15/adults, $10/youth, $8/Children, under 2 FREE. Save $5 for adv. tickets. Tix at Belle Centre. HARVEST JAMBOREE (Community) - David Thompson Hall 7pm - $15, Lunch included. For more info call 780-835-4794.

SMALL BUSINESS WEEK AWARD & RECOGNITION DINNER (Community) - Battle River Ag Hall Cocktails 6pm, Dinner 6:30pm Keynote Speaker: Russ Dantu. Tickets ($15) can be purchased at the county office. For more info call 1-888-525-3481 SMALL BUSINESS WEEK TRAINING SESSIONS (Educational) - County of Northern Light Office 12:30-3:30pm - FREE. For more info go to www.mdnorth22.ab.ca or call Eleanor at 780-836-3348

FALL SUPPER & SILENT AUCTION (Community) - E. E. Oliver Gym 5-7pm - $15/ adults, $10/children, $40/family. ZEN MEDITATION (Well-Being) - Fine Arts Centre 10am - For more info call Eileen at 780-494-3410.

SUNDAY, OCT

ZEN MEDITATION (Well-Being) - Fine Arts Centre 10am - For more info call Eileen at 780-494-3410. YOGA (Fitness) - Belle Centre (P.R. Martial Arts Centre - North Side Door). 4pm - From Oct. 2 Dec. 18. BYO Yoga Mat & Blanket. Beginner and Intermediate. Gentle Flow. Drop in $10. For more info call Lynn at 780-624-4249. 3RD ANNUAL CHRISTMAS GIFT SHOW (Community) - Belle Petroleum Centre 11-3pm 40+ vendors. Please bring a non-perishable food item for admission. For more info or to book a table call 780-624-8138 or email events@bpcentre.ca

12 theVAULTmagazine

MONDAY, OCT

GET YOUR BUTT IN GEAR (Fitness) McLennan Elk’s Hall. 10am - Socialize while exercising and having fun. Every Monday and Thursday. DROP IN FLOOR HOCKEY (Fitness) - GPRC Community Rec Centre. 5:30-7pm - $6 without gym membership, free w/ membership. Everyone Welcome. CINEMA POLITICA (Film) - Ground Level Youth Centre 6:30 (doors) 7 (show) - Film: Let’s Make Money. For more info visit cinemapolitica.org/ peaceriver

OCTO B E R 14, 20 11

TUESDAY, OCT

ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS (Self Help) - St. Paul’s United Church. 8pm - Every Tuesday and Thursday. For more information call 780-624-4710 ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS SUPPORT GROUP (Self Help) - St. Paul’s United Church (upstairs) 7:30pm - For more information call Sharon at 780-624-8778.

WEDNESDAY, OCT

READ AWAY PROGRAM (Self Help) - Peace River Municipal Library 1-2pm - Adult reading circle (improve your reading skills). Every Wednesday. For more info call 780-624-4076.

PARENTS AND TOTS (Family) - Mamowintowin Hall. 1:30-3pm. For more info call 780-322-3954 DIGITAL PHOTOGRAPHY CLASS (Educational) - MD Building Board Room 7-10pm - w/ Alain Dion. Bring camera, cord & manual. $45. Register before Oct. 19. For more info call 780-837-3013.

Nampa

FRIDAY, OCT

Girouxville FALHER

Cadotte Lake McLennan

PROVIDING HOMES FOR ABORIGINAL CHILDREN (Community) - Senior Citizen’s Drop In Centre. 4:30pm Keynote Speaker: Rudy Youngblood (Actor). Recruitment of aboriginal caregivers gathering & feast. Hosted by P.R. Aboriginal Interagency Committee. For more info call Dennis Whitford at 780-624-6367. FRESH BAKED BREAD (Educational) - Horizon Learning Centre 9-12 Noon - w. Joanne Smirl. Bake a loaf of bread from scratch. $33 (Incl. Supplies). 3h. DROP-IN VOLLEYBALL (Fitness) - GPRC Community Rec Centre 7-9pm - $6 without gym membership or free with a gym membership. Every Friday.

grimshaw Peace river

SATURDAY OCT

HOLISTIC HEALING EXPO (Educational) - Girouxville Hall. For people looking for new ways to improve their health. FREE. TOWN YARD SALE (Community) - Transportation Yard (South of UFA Farm Store) 10-2pm - For more info call 780-835-5461. PEACE PLAYERS PRESENTS RUSSELL DECARLE (Music) - Athabasca Hall 8pm - Singer/Songwriter from Prairie Oyster. Tickets ($25) at Style Ryte. COMMUNITY GARDEN HARVEST PARTY (Family) - Ground Level Youth Centre 12-3pm - Stew, Bannock & Live Music to celebrate the garden harvest. Rain or shine. Big Asset Development Committee in partnership with Ground Level Youth Centre.

STAGE FRIGHT THRILLUSION WITH JOHN KAPLAN (Family/Comedy) - Club Chevalier (Knight’s Hall) 5pm (Family Show) 8pm (Adults only) - Tickets: $12/ adult, $10/teen, $6/child, Family of 4/$32. Tickets available at the door.

fairview manning

THURSDAY, OCT

NIGHTSEEKER (Music) - Athabasca Hall 7-1am - FUBAR’s Deaner is on tour! Feat. live commentary from FUBAR 2 & opening act Monster Truck. Tix ($25) available at City Music and Java Domainn. For more info call 780-624-5353. ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS (Self Help) - St. Paul’s United Church. 8pm - Every Tuesday and Thursday. For more information call 780-624-4710

FRIDAY, OCT

SATURDAY, OCT

DROP-IN VOLLEYBALL (Fitness) - GPRC Community Rec Centre 7-9pm - $6 without gym membership or free with a gym membership. Every Friday.

FARMER’S MARKET (Community) - Senior Citizen’s Drop In Centre. 10-1pm - For more info or to reserve a table call Yvonne 780-624-3725 or Gloria 780-624-8714.

HELL ‘N’ BACK OPEN HOUSE (Community) - Hell ‘N’ Back Shop (100 Railway Ave) 5-8pm Heaven & Hell themed snacks, Door prizes and Give aways, Exciting live demonstrations. For more info call 780-322-2222.

EMERGENCY SERVICES BALL (Dance) - E. E. Oliver Gym Cocktails 5pm, Dinner 6pm, Dance 9pm - Tickets ($50) can be purchased at Mad Dog Cresting, Dunvegan Inn and Suites, Sandy’s Jewelers, & the RCMP Office. Silent Auction & iPad2 Draws. Formal. For more info call 780-835-3461.

GET YOUR BUTT IN GEAR (Fitness) McLennan Elk’s Hall. 10am - Socialize while exercising and having fun. Every Monday and Thursday.

TYZEN: HYPNOSIS THAT ROCKS (Comedy) Belle Petroleum Centre 8:30pm - Tickets $20/adv. or $30/door. Cash bar.

KIDS CLUB (Family) - Mamowintowin Hall. 4-5:30pm. Ages 6-9. For more info call 780-322-3954 SMALL BUSINESS WEEK TRADESHOW AND FREE COMMUNITY BBQ (Community) - County of Northern Lights Office 11:30-4pm FREE Tradeshow tables for small businesses. Call 780-836-3348 for more info or to reserve a table.

THURSDAY, OCT

GET YOUR BUTT IN GEAR (Fitness) McLennan Elk’s Hall. 10am - Socialize while exercising and having fun. Every Monday and Thursday. ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS (Self Help) - St. Paul’s United Church. 8pm - Every Tuesday and Thursday. For more information call 780-624-4710

FRIDAY, OCT

SATURDAY, OCT

HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES AT RIVER CITY CINEMA (Film) - River City Cinema 11pm - theVAULTmagazine and River City Cinema present this Rob Zombie Modern Horror Classic. FREE! Door Prizes. Free popcorn if you dress up. 18+

THE UNDERGROUND MUSIC SOCIETY’S

MOVIE NIGHT (Film) - Peace River Library 5-7pm.

MAMA KIN (AEROSMITH COVER BAND) (Music)

DROP-IN VOLLEYBALL (Fitness) - GPRC Community Rec Centre 7-9pm - $6 without gym membership or free with a gym membership. Every Friday. OL’ TYME FAMILY NIGHT (Community) - Elk’s Hall 6:30 Potluck 7:30 Dance - For more info call Jean 780-837-2220

HALLOWEEN BASH (Music) - Senior Citizen’s Drop In Centre 8pm - George Ireland and the Boxcar Social. Costume Prizes. Fire/LED dancing by Sisu and Pyromance. Tickets ($25) are available at Danbergers and Village Sound or ($30) at the door.

- Belle Petroleum Centre 7:30pm - Tickets $20/adv. $30/ door. Prizes, cash and snack bar. Dress like a rocker. For more info call 780-624-8318. ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS (Self Help) - Grace United Church. 8pm - Every Saturday. For more info call 780-624-4710.

All information presented in this calendar is gathered from a variety of sources. theVAULTmagazine assumes no responsibility for any Misrepresented information. We mean well. Any corrections or compliments can be directed to thevaultmagazine@hotmail.com CRAC K T H E VAULT

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ARTS

Alberta Arts Days at the G r i m s h aw E l k â&#x20AC;&#x2122; s H a l l 14 theVAULTmagazine

OCTO B E R 14, 20 11

ARTS Seussical

Artist Directory

The Musical World of Dr. Seuss

BUZZ LORENZEN Musician (Deeply melodic and even more deeply insane. The anecdote to the emptiness of existence.) drbuzzmd@yahoo.com

CAROLYN GERK Pencil, Acrylic, & Watercolor (Portraits, landscapes, still life, children’s decor, murals, personalized items, decorative art and gifts. Requests welcome) 780-625-1215 carolyn.2345@hotmail.com FB: Creative Design by Carolyn

MARY WARREN Graphite & Ink (Realistic to animated, I enjoy working with nearly all mediums and art forms. I also dabble in clothing design.) sickyslimys@hotmail.com

VERNON LEDGER Photography by Mark Rieder Horton the elephant (background), played by Jeffrey Bell sings his jungle friends to sleep during a recent rehearsal of Seussical Jr.

“A

person’s a person no matter how small”

and getting the performers to where they are.

These famous words from Dr. Seuss’s most popular book “Horton Hears A Who” is the central theme to the Peace Player’s production of Seussical Jr., a musical based on the works of Theodor Seuss Geisel.

Gray says her decision to put on this lesser known play was based on a number of reasons.

Director Sue Gray explains the message behind the play. “I think there are times when everyone is lonely or feeling small and insignificant. The play is about how it doesn’t matter if you’re small, that all the nice things you do can make a huge impact on others,” she said. Gray is joined by Peace Players alumnus Kevin Cambridge as producer, and musical director Nicola Quigley – two people who Gray says have been invaluable in putting the play together

“I was in the play before and I saw potential for the script to be more than what we did with it,” she said. She also wanted to stay away from more popular plays where the plot, characters and music is already known. Gray added that she didn’t want to put on a Disney play. “I feel Disney has the underlying message that if you’re pretty or have the most beautiful voice, the prince is going to fall in love with you. But in this play, the awkward characters or the underdogs and the ones who struggle, their dedication and hard work and friendships lead

them to succeed,” she said. Though she has directed plays in her home town of Aylmer, Ont. This is Gray’s first attempt at a musical. She has acted in two of Peace Players adult plays, “Sorry ‘bout That” and “Tom, Dick and Harry”. She also acted in, produced and co-directed “The Vagina Monologues”, all this within a year of arriving in Peace River. Gray’s decision to limit the cast to youth in grade 7 or higher was based on her experience helping backstage at last year’s “Beauty and the Beast” production. “It was a great show and the final product made the children and their parents proud,” she said, “But in the months leading up to that, I saw the struggles in keeping the younger ones busy during downtime. Rehearsals went late and the long hours led

to tired children and frustrated parents.” The decision caused some disappointment. “Some people say I’m not giving younger children an opportunity to experience theatre. But I don’t think they were getting a positive experience anyway because they weren’t allowed to audition for speaking roles and were only on stage for a few minutes,” she said, adding that it also allows her more time to hone the older actors’ performances and develop their overall skills for future successes in acting. Gray also hopes to put on a spring production for younger ones, she is looking for a script that would be more age-appropriate for children under 12 or 13 years of age.

CRAC K T H E VAULT

Musician (Guitar, Bass, Piano, Vocals. Band: A New Direction. Teaches Song Writing, Jams, Available for events.) 780-624-2693 nervedge1984@live.com

SUSAN THOMPSON Dancer (Belly dance, fire dance, fire fans, palm torches, LED fans, choreographed or freestyle, go-go dancing) vantom@xplornet.com FB: Sisu Belly Dancer

ARIANA HAMMERBERG Oil, Acrylic, & Watercolour (Landscapes, abstract, mixed media) 780-625-1794 ahammerberg@yahoo.com FB: Paintings by Ariana Are you an artist or musician who would like to be featured in theVAULTmagazine’s Artist Directory? Email us your info at thevaultmagazine@hotmail. com

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LIFESTYLE

theVAULTmagazine

IT’S PURE & SIMPLE: THE BENEFITS OF DRINKING WATER

P:(780)624-1985 E:thevaultmagazine@hotmail.com "Eco-conscious

products & services that honor the body, spirit & earth.”

SUBMITTED BY LINDSEY ULASZONEK

ant to know how to have younger looking skin, lots of energy and feel great on the inside? Get back to the basics. I’m talking about the one thing that can really give you all that you want: A tall drink of water. Yes, water!

Halloween Bash Costume Contest

October

29th

the Senior Citizens Drop In Centre Peace River 10301-101st

GeorgeIreland and the BoxcarSocial H

~Products are~

*Natural *Organic *Fair Trade *Hand Made

~Services are~

*Yoga *Reiki *Massage *Body Talk *Accutonics *Hypno-therapy *Vibrational Healing *Crystal & Color Healing *Osho Zen Tarot Consultation

Tickets can be purchased at: Village Audio Video Unlimited AND DANBERGER & SONS STORE LTD.

10004 Main Street Peace River, AB.

The benefits of water go a bit under the radar and it’s time to re-establish just how amazing H20 really is. First of all, there’s two main ways you can have water - hot or cold.

HOT WATER Hot water is truly amazing for helping with digestive problems. There’s something about the heat of the water that just, well, lubricates everything and gets things moving again. It’s the perfect solution for when you’re having one of those days where our stomach feels grossly hard and heavy. Happy bowels, happy life, right?

The other benefit of drinking hot water is something I personally do and swear by. There’s a little Ph/Fax: 780-624-8838 trick that all the women in my bodhitreewellness@gmail.com family use when they feel one of those painful, about to be

16 theVAULTmagazine

OCTO B E R 14, 20 11

very big, pimples coming in: mugs and mugs of hot water all throughout the day. Think of it as a sauna treatment—steaming you from the inside out. You can be skeptical about this, but trust me it works. I have all my friends hooked, and it really does wonders. Try it next time, and you’ll be amazed at how that nasty little thing never surfaces; it just goes away!

COLD WATER So, now on to regular water— you know the plain clear stuff that comes out of your tap, no heat added. Water should be your staple drink all throughout the day—not Gatorade, vitamin water, or flavored water, just normal from the tap or filtered water. Drinking water throughout the day, 8 glasses or more, will begin to make your skin glow. It’s common knowledge that water helps to flush the body of unwanted toxins—so why not think about it in the way of flushing out your skin? Take a one month challenge and notice how amazing your skin looks and feels. Then multiply this by years and years, and you have a great solution for maintaining

younger looking skin. Energy! We all want more of it, so why not try something free and natural to help give you more? Water will revitalize the way you feel. Wake up and down a glass of water before you do anything. This will jump-start your metabolism for the day and help you burn extra calories. It keeps you healthy and hydrated and it can do wonders for your diet. Make sure you compensate for salty foods that you eat by drinking even more water. Salt depletes your hydration, so make sure you drink a ton of it if you’re eating salt. Find your balance. You’ll feel less lethargic, less bloated, and less sleepy throughout your day if you’re staying well hydrated. You’ll also see that it helps with cravings and food intake. Gulp that drink of water right before a meal, or when you feel like a snack; it’ll help you feel less hungry as well as make sure you don’t load up on too much food during a meal. You’ll feel better inside and out, you’ll look better, and you will also come to crave it. It’s pure and simple—water is the way to go.

LIFESTYLE D I Y H a l l o w e e n M a k e u p E f f e c t s WITH MARY WARREN In this DIY, we’re going to show you how to make relatively cheap gore effects for your Halloween costume! Forget the cheap fake skin goo, this DIY will help you create your own awesome gashes!

Step 1:

Step 4:

Apply glue to desired area in a line. Remember: the thicker it is the longer it will take to dry.

Begin adding a bruising effect with the make-up (preferably powdered eye shadow) using black where you want the darkest bruising and purple as it gets lighter. You can even add shades of yellow and green around the outer edges, like a real bruise. If you aren’t permanently covered in bruises like me, look some up on Google.

Step 2:

Materials needed: • Non-toxic white glue or clear gel facial mask • Black & purple make-up (it can even be from those cheap Halloween kits) • Fake Blood • A toothpick

After the glue begins looking a little more transparent, take your toothpick and pull up around the edges a little. Not too much because you want your fake wound to remain attached. Step 3: Put some fake blood in your wound and work it under the glue a little with your toothpick.

fun, and refrain from freaking out gullible friends.

For more DIYs, check out our blog www.thevaultmagazine.tumblr.com

Although these fake wounds are way more durable than anything out of a cheap make-up kit, be aware they aren’t indestructible. Treat them like a real wound and they will last you several hours. The only touch up you’ll need is another dousing of fake blood. Have

zine

maga T L U A V e th

CRACK T H E VAULT

theVAULTmagazine

READER SUBMITTED LAST CHANCE

BOOK REVIEW:

THE SHINING BY STEPHEN KING

When The Shining was released, King was still a new writer. He had written Carrie and 'Salem's Lot, but was still decades away from becoming a formulaic author, pumping out story after story, many without the poignancy and feeling of his earlier works. This novel is a prime example of what made King a household name.

Jack, a struggling unemployed writer, accepts a position as winter caretaker of the Overlook hotel. Unbeknownst to Jack, The Overlook hides secrets in its walls, secrets that, when coupled with seclusion in the dead of a seemingly unending winter, snowball into a terrifying reality. King leads us into the minds and thoughts of his characters. We learn that Wendy is a brow beaten wife and mother who fights against her better judgements, clinging to the faith that she has made the right choices; that her mother was wrong about her. Jack, a despondent, self loathing man, recounts and relives his mistakes. Danny, a child, intuitive, perceptive, and cursed with an otherworldly ability to glimpse into the thoughts of others, to witness vignettes of the future, though his young mind cannot comprehend the images and ideas that bombard him.

The Shining is set in the isolated mountains of Colorado, at the Overlook hotel. We follow the Torrances, a family stretched thin by trauma, alcoholism and the threat of divorce. Father

What makes this novel so successful is the overwhelming sense of dread that accompanies each step. King offers it up on a plate right from the start, in a way that goes beyond

BY CAROLYN GERK

hen I mention The Shining by Stephen King, images of Jack Nicholson creepily uttering 'Here's Johnny!" through an axe beaten bathroom door probably parade into your mind. Maybe you've seen Kubrick's film, one that King himself has a tendency to disregard, claiming that it didn't adhere to his story. Though a classic film, there is much more to the story than the movie touches on.

subtle foreshadowing, leaving his audience wide eyed, hoping that what is chillingly foretold doesn't become truth. King gets to the core of fear and panic, preying on the product of imagination, he strikes the root of what makes our skin crawl, what makes us look over our shoulder in a darkened room. King has the skill to bring to life the paranormal and is equally adept at illustrating the fear that lies in reality: a young boy terrified by concepts he cannot grasp; divorce, suicide, murder (not to mention REDRUM); a man wrestling with his demons and, isolated in more ways than , losing. The fear of what is real, what could be real and what cannot be real, but feels so real it might reach out and wrap its clammy, undead hands around your throat. The Shining offers a glimpse inside a family terrified, clutching at the last remaining light in an ominously darkening room, painting a picture of the core of evil and what drives a man to lose sight of himself within it.

Untitled (by Anonymous) I long for the sunshine To warm my cold blood alive

Did something make your day or piss you off? Submit your rant or rave to us at

thevaultmagazine@hotmail.com

I want to fly somewhere When my eyes are closed Just so I can turn blind eyes To signs of good fortune Give me my money back my grace And the ease I acquired as a gypsy Where do I turn I want to fly Conquer the ease And make the jump Times bring me back so alive

18 theVAULTmagazine

O CTO B E R 14, 20 11

Free Will Astrology

HOMEWORK: Test this hypothesis: The answer to a pressing question will come within 72 hours after you do a ritual in which you ask for clarity.

FOR THE WEEK OF OCT 13 TO OCT 19

ARIES (March 21-April 19): If it’s at all possible, Aries, squandered or you’ll revive a dream that was left for myself, I don’t buy the notion that existence is inherently don’t hang around boring people this week. Seek out the company of adventurers who keep you guessing and unruly talkers who incite your imagination and mysterylovers who are always on the lookout for new learning experiences. For that matter, treat yourself to especially interesting food, perceptions, and sensations. Take new and different routes to familiar hotspots. Even better, find fresh hotspots. Cultivating novelty is your mandate right now. Outgrowing your habits would be wise, fun, and cool. Changing your mind is a luxury you need and deserve.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): “My grandfather always said

that living is like licking honey off a thorn,” wrote the Slovenian American author Louis Adamic. That’s true enough. Here’s the thing, though: If you manage to get a smooth thorn without any prickles (like on certain hawthorn trees), the only risk is when you’re licking the honey close to the sharp end. Otherwise, as your tongue makes its way up the sleek surface of the rest of the thorn, you’re fine -- no cuts, no pain. According to my analysis, Taurus, you have just finished your close encounter with the sharp point of a smooth thorn. Now the going will be easier.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): On the front of every British

passport is an image that includes a chained unicorn standing up on its two hind legs. It’s a central feature of the coat of arms of the United Kingdom. I would love to see you do something as wacky as that in the coming week, Gemini -- you know, bring elements of fantasy and myth and imagination into some official setting. It would, I believe, put you in sweet alignment with current cosmic rhythms. (P.S. If you decide to invoke the archetype of the unicorn, unchain it.)

CANCER (June 21-July 22): I’ve come across two defini-

tions of the slang term “cameling up.” One source says it means filling yourself with thirst-quenching liquid before heading out to a hot place on a hot day. A second source says it means stuffing yourself with a giant meal before going out on a binge of drinking alcohol, because it allows you to get drunk more slowly. For your purposes, Cancerian, I’m proposing a third, more metaphorical nuance to “cameling up.” Before embarking on a big project to upgrade your self-expression -- quite possibly heroic and courageous -- I suggest you camel up by soaking in an abundance of love and support from people whose nurturing you savor.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): I love Adele’s voice. The me-

ga-famous British pop singer has a moving, virtuoso instrument -- technically perfect, intriguingly soulful, capable of expressing a range of deep emotion, strong in both her high and low registers. And yet there’s not a single song she does that I find interesting. The lyrics are cliched or immature, the melodies are mostly uninspired, and the arrangements are standard fare. Does what I’m describing remind you of anything in your own life, Leo? A situation you half-love and are half-bored by? An experience that is so good in some ways and so blah in other ways? If so, what can you do about it? You may be able to improve things if you act soon.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): There’s a good chance that

you will soon find something you lost a while back. It may even be the case that you will recover an asset you

dead. To what do you owe the pleasure of this blessing? Here’s what I think: The universe is rewarding you for the good work you’ve done lately on taking better care of what’s important to you. You’re going to be shown how much grace is available when you live your life in rapt alignment with your deepest, truest values.

empty. I do, however, wish that more artists would be motivated by the desire to create cures for the collective malaise that has haunted every historical era, including ours. In alignment with your current astrological omens, I invite you to take up this noble task yourself in the coming weeks, whether or not you’re an artist. You now have much more than your usual power to inspire and animate others.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Chris Richards wrote a story

in the Washington Post in which he complained about the surplus of unimaginative band names. At this year’s SXSW music festival in Austin, he counted six different bands that used “Bear” and two with “Panda.” Seven bands had “Gold,” including Golden Bear. Marshmallow Ghosts was one of seven bands with “Ghost” in their names. You’re in a phase of your life when it’s especially important not to be a slave of the trends, Libra -- a time when it’s crucial to your well-being to come up with original language, unique descriptions, and fresh approaches. So what would your band’s name be? (tinyurl. com/BadNamesForBands)

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): The world-famous

whiskey known as Jack Daniel’s is produced in Moore County, Tennessee, which prohibits the sale of alcohol in stores and restaurants. So you can’t get a drink of the stuff in the place where it’s made. I suspect there’s a comparable situation going on in your life, Aquarius. Maybe something you’re good at isn’t appreciated by those around you. Maybe a message you’re broadcasting or a gift you’re offering gets more attention at a distance than it does up close. Is there anything you can do about that? The coming weeks would be a good time to try.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): You’ve got to cry one more PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Once you drive your car tear before the pungent comedy will deliver its ultimate lesson and leave you in peace. You’ve got to make one further promise to yourself before you will be released from the twilight area where pain and pleasure became so tangled. You’ve got to navigate your way through one more small surrender before you will be cleared to hunt down your rebirth in earnest. But meanwhile, the catharses and epiphanies just keep on erupting. You’re growing more soulful and less subject to people’s delusions by the minute. Your rather unconventional attempts at healing are working -- maybe not as rapidly as you’d like, but still, they are working.

into Norway’s Laerdal Tunnel, you’re in for a long haul through the murk. The light at the end doesn’t start appearing until you’ve traveled almost 14 miles. Using this as a metaphor for your life in the here and now, I estimate that you’re at about the 12-mile mark. Keep the faith, Pisces. It’s a straight shot from here. Can you think of any cheerful tunes you could sing at the top of your lungs?

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21):

“Most people who profess a deep love of the Bible have never actually read the book,” says religious writer Rami Shapiro. If they did, they’d know that Satan is not implicated as the tempter of Adam and Eve. There’s no mention of three wise men coming to see baby Jesus, nor of a whale swallowing Jonah. Homilies like “This too shall pass” and “God helps those who help themselves” never appear in the scriptures. And contrary to the Ayn Rand-style self-reliance that evangelicals think is a central theme of their holy book, the Bible’s predominant message is that goodness is measured by what one does for others. I bring this up as a teaching about how not to proceed in the coming weeks, Sagittarius. You really do need to know a lot about the texts and ideas and people and situations upon which you base your life. (tinyurl.com/BibleFog)

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): “The

artist’s job is not to succumb to despair, but to find an antidote to the emptiness of existence.” So says the Gertrude Stein character in Woody Allen’s film Midnight in Paris. As an aspiring master of crafty optimism CRAC K T H E VAULT

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Oddities HALLOWEEN EDITION

BY DR. DEBBY HERBENICK I’m a 23 year old woman and a year ago I became best friends with a girl my age. My whole life I always have been attracted to men but sometimes I feel things for women too. One day she said she was attracted to me, that it was the first time she was attracted to a woman but was falling in love with me. I felt the same so we decided to start “our first lesbian relationship”. Everything was great for two months until one day she woke up beside me and said we had to end our relationship. She said we both wanted families and she preferred to end now than to love me more. She went back to her ex boyfriend but still texts me so I wonder what’s up with this girl. I know my side: I loved her and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her but what is she? If you’re asking what sexual orientation your exgirlfriend is, I can’t tell you that. Some research scientists believe that most people are some shade of bisexual in that they are attracted to or have been sexual with (or would like to be sexual with) men and women. Not everyone is equally attracted to both men and women – some people are attracted mostly to men and a little to women. Others are attracted mostly to women and a little to men. Check out the Kinsey Scale, available on The Kinsey Institute’s web site – which is www. kinseyinstitute.org - for more information about this concept. However your former girlfriend identifies her sexual orientation, this much is clear: she chose not to be with you. She still texts you and she may still be attracted to you or feel that she loves you. Maybe she feels that she truly is bisexual or lesbian but ultimately wants to be dating, in a relationship with or married to a man. Our research suggests that most bisexual-identified women partner with men, though not all do. And some bisexual women continue to be sexual with women even when they have boyfriends or husbands – often times, this is with their boyfriend or husband present (as with threesomes). Other times, the woman and her partner come to an understanding that allows one or both of them to be sexual with other people, as with open relationships.

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It is possible that your ex-girlfriend will come back to you and want to be with you again. Then again, she may never do so. It is impossible to predict how she will feel about you or what you will do. It is unfortunate that, given discrimination against same-sex couples and gay and lesbian individuals, some people feel afraid to be who they really are. Some people want very much to partner with someone of their same sex but worry how they will ever come out to their family, friends, co-workers or the rest of the world. If a person doesn’t have friends who are gay or lesbian, they may not have first-hand experience or knowledge about how well same-sex relationships can work, just as other-sex relationships can work well. Not everyone knows gay or lesbian couples who raise children together, either. Perhaps if your ex-girlfriend saw that she could be in a lesbian relationship and still raise children with her partner, she would feel differently and want to try a relationship with you. Then again, she may feel in her heart of hearts that as much as she is attracted to you or loves you, that she ultimately wants to partner with a man. As much as that may hurt you, it may be who she truly is. You can learn more about lesbian and gay relationship issues through Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays – their web site is pflag.org. You can also view thousands of online videos that give hope to how great life can be as a gay, lesbian or bisexual person through the It Gets Better Project – visit the web site at itgetsbetter.org. Dr. Debby Herbenick is a sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute, a research scientist at Indiana University and author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction and Read My Lips: A Complete Guide to the Vagina and Vulva. Find our blog, sex information and archived Q&A at www.KinseyConfidential.org. KINSEY CONFIDENTIAL IS A SERVICE OF THE KINSEY INSTITUTE. FOR MORE GOOD SEX INFORMATION, PODCASTS, OR TO SUBMIT A QUESTION, VISIT US ONLINE AT WWW.KINSEYCONFIDENTIAL.ORG.”

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STRANGE FEARS: ALEKTOROPHOBIA: THE FEAR OF CHICKENS ABLUTOPHOBIA: FEAR OF WASHING OR BATHING HOMILOPHOBIA: FEAR OF SERMONS STAUROPHOBIA: FEAR OF CROSSES OR CRUCFIXES SOCERAPHOBIA: FEAR OF PARENTS-IN-LAW SERIAL KILLERS: HERBERT WILLIAMS MULLIN BELIEVED SACRIFICING HIS VICTIMS WOULD PREVENT AN EARTHQUAKE HE BELIEVED WAS IMMINENT. DAVID BERKOWITZ (AKA THE SON OF SAM) PERCEIVED DOGS AS DEMONS. HE BELIEVED THAT WHEN THEY HOWLED THEY ASKED FOR THE DEATH OF WOMEN. JEFFREY LIONEL DAHMER WANTED TO CREATE ZOMBIES FROM HIS VICTIMS USING LEFT OVER BODY PARTS. VOODOO: A VODOU LEGEND STATES FEEDING A ZOMBIE SALT WILL MAKE IT RETURN TO THE GRAVE. IN SOME SOUTH AFRICAN COMMUNITIES IT IS BELIEVED THAT A DEAD PERSON CAN BE TURNED INTO A ZOMBIE BY A SMALL CHILD. VOODOO IS A RELIGION. HOODOO IS A GROUP OF MAGICAL PRACTICES. WITCHES: WITCH SMELLERS IN SOUTH AFRICA WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR “ROOTING OUT EVIL WITCHES” IN THE AREA. WITCH SMELLING IS NOW ILLEGAL. AMERICA’S FIRST ACCUSATION OF WITCHCRAFT OCCURRED IN SPRINGFIELD, MASSSACHUSETTS.

HUMOUR

Max's Hardcore Advice Max, how important is money?

Max, why are you so hardcore?

Money makes the frickin whole world go around pal. The only reason you are asking is because you are probably broke as sh*t, am I right? Go get a job so you can afford those frickin’ twinkies you keep shoving down your throat.

You really wanna know? I am hardcore because pansy a** cryin’ little bit*hes have run the world for too long. You buncha sissies out there need someone who isn’t scared to tell you the truth. That’s me, Max.

-Max, Hardcore

Max, what is the answer to the energy crisis?

Max, do you like heavy metal music?

First of all I don’t know what the hell an energy crisis even means. However, when I’m bangin’ some chick and I get low on energy I just snort some cocaine. There’s your answer. Now stop askin’ me such stupid questions.

Holy sh*t, what the fu** is this? Who cares about me, I am here to solve your stupid little problems. Are we on a fu**ing date? If we are then you better put out or get out. Ya, I fu**ing love heavy metal—almost as much as I loved your mom last night.

-Max, Hardcore

Max, boxers or briefs? When you got balls like I got, only the support offered by the firmly cupped hand of a ho suffices to properly handle my package. Now that’s enough horse sh*t for one day. -Max, Hardcore

-Max, Hardcore

If you got any real questions, or you need a healthy dose of REAL advice, please submit to general@thevaultmag.com and put “Max” in the subject line.

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Beer of the Month Club 1. Buy this month’s Sampler Pack, 2. Come back to purchase one of the month’s selected beers, 3. Receive 20% off the purchase price of those beer!

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SUDOKU

To Play: Complete the grid so that every row, column and every 3x3 box contains the digits 1 to 9. There is no guessing or math involved, just use logic to solve. Across 1 Brain scan, for short 4 Makes a quick getaway 9 Style 13 Go for blood? 15 System that came with black joysticks 16 Machu Picchu culture 17 Memorable line? 20 Not so hot 21 Charles I and Mary II, e.g. 22 â&#x20AC;&#x153;Chaplinâ&#x20AC;? actress ___ Kelly 26 Masseuseâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s stuff 27 By means of 30 John of â&#x20AC;&#x153;Gandhiâ&#x20AC;? and â&#x20AC;&#x153;Arthurâ&#x20AC;? 32 Spam, most often 35 What a paranoid person may feel they have on their back 38 â&#x20AC;&#x153;The King and Iâ&#x20AC;? setting 39 In a bygone time 40 Letter after theta 41 Cartoon detective with a trench coat 46 Box office purchase, for short 47 Continued in one direction, like the stock market 48 Smelted stuff 49 Day planner abbr. 50 Letters on the farm 52 Greeted, in a way 56 Cream of the crop 60 Spending proposal, often 64 Drummer Ulrich 65 Penguin or Star 66 Soccer player Hope on â&#x20AC;&#x153;Dancing With the Starsâ&#x20AC;? 67 â&#x20AC;&#x153;What ___ is there?â&#x20AC;? 68 She portrayed Frida 69 Chihuahua with the last name Hoek Down 1 Fix text 2 Art deco artist 3 â&#x20AC;&#x153;Unbelievable!â&#x20AC;? noise 4 Way out of reach 5 Inc., overseas 6 Be a gourmand 7 Cupidâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Greek counterpart

8 Separate, like gold and dirt 9 How some YouTube videos go 10 MIT grad, often 11 Rapper who â&#x20AC;&#x153;Loves Cocoâ&#x20AC;? in an E! reality series 12 Team from D.C. 14 Fancy 18 â&#x20AC;&#x153;___ Lifeâ&#x20AC;? (Peter Mayle book) 19 One-named author of 1867â&#x20AC;&#x2122;s â&#x20AC;&#x153;Under Two Flagsâ&#x20AC;? 23 Number on the right side of a clock 24 Mail-in offer 25 Little kidâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s words after finishing a meal 27 Stop by 28 How legal documents are usually signed 29 â&#x20AC;&#x153;Stop,â&#x20AC;? to a pirate 31 LeVar, on â&#x20AC;&#x153;Star Trek: The Next Generationâ&#x20AC;? 32 Whiskey ___ (L.A. club) 33 Prevent 34 Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s abbreviated with two letters 36 Rascal 37 Free (of) 42 Chopin exercise 43 Some Greek islanders 44 Exclamation from The Beaver 45 Word that may be bid 49 Not very wordy 51 Automobile brand that lasted 107 years, for short 52 ACME patron ___ E. Coyote 53 ___ retentive 54 Appliances that used to blink 12:00 when broken 55 Workplace watchdog: abbr. 57 â&#x20AC;&#x153;Young Frankensteinâ&#x20AC;? role 58 Conference opener 59 James Bondâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s alma mater 61 Right angle-shaped pipe 62 Rep.â&#x20AC;&#x2122;s counterpart 63 Victoriaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Secret item ÂŠ2011 Jonesinâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; Crosswords

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Puzzles & Comics

â&#x20AC;&#x153;I Get Aroundâ&#x20AC;?--as youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll soon discover.

Jonesinâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; Crossword Matt Jones (editor@jonesincrosswords.com)

Substitutes: Actresses

Each letter has been substituted with another letter. Consider the theme and find the patterns to solve the puzzle. The first substitute has been done for you.

JOLIE GLBPI

BPJIBT

RPOWBIS

GLAHOWWLO

DLCIDSW

EHDPW

WHDHOMLO

CHDDTULDI

HOPWSLO

RHSWLO

LAST WEEKâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S SOLUTIONS

theVAULTmagazine comes out every second Friday. until then visit our blog: www.thevaultmagazine.tumblr.com Issue #3 will hit newsstands Oct. 28th. CRACK T H E VAULT

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