theVAULTmagazine ~ Issue 7

NUCLEAR TRAGEDY World’s energy renaissance experiences MELT DOWN? ~ Peace Region left cold

PEACE REGIONAL

Issue #7 - January 6, 2012

Crack the Vault

THEVAULTMAGAZINE

• Taxidermist Creates Freaks • Left 4 Dead Review • Doomsday Anxiety: Crazy People actin’ all crazy • tVm Staff: Rant and Rave

APOCALYPSE 2012:

WHICH WAY

WILL YOU DIE? Boogie Patrol FREE Ravages the Peace on Twisted Tuesday

January

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Peace River Agricultural Society Annual General Meeting at 7pm.

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North Peace Gymnastics is hosting a Ukrainian New Years Bash at the Nampa Complex. Tickets are $40 ea. Or $75 per couple. Tickets sold at Bumper to Bumper in Nampa and Java Domainn & Lookin Good in Peace River. Call Justine 780-624-2504 for more information.

21

Nampa & District Playschool Open House.

1-3pm. Meet the instructor Debra Schapansky.

Call 780-322-3954 for more information.

WWW.NORTHERNSUNRISE.NET 780.624.0013

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Monday to Friday 11AM - 2 PM

$9.99 French Fry Special comes with Caesar Salad & 6 oz. New York Steak

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9703 100 Street | Main Street Peace River

theVAULTmagazine

Issue #7 - January 6, 2012

From the Editors Editor/Publisher Jenelle Lizotte Tormaigh Van Slyke

Social Media/Reception Mary Warren

Logo Design Michael Boone

Layout Design

Jenelle Lizotte Christine Taylor Tormaigh Van Slyke Chris Zwick

Distributor

Michael Russell DVS

Website Design

Sush Wong & Doug Hurst, Wild Card Technology Solutions

Ad Design

Clayton Hall Aimie Williams Sush Wong

Ad Sales

Tormaigh Van Slyke

Photography

Jenelle Lizotte Tormaigh Van Slyke

It’s 2012, and it’s just begun. We have at least 11-plus months before most of us die, right? Really? Well, we’d like to knock off the Apocalypse Issue early in the year, so we can all hopefully get back to reality.

You’re going to find that this issue is a bit over the top. It’s our satire on the sensational tabloid because, well, the end is coming, so be afraid. The end of what? I guess we’ll find out. In the meantime, expect mainstream media to try and scare you with eye catching, discomforting, and all around ridiculous 2012 propaganda.

Let’s not kid ourselves. It’s nothing short of pathetic what we have set ourselves up for over the past three generations, but what do our actions and the planet’s cycles have to do with the 356th day of 2012? We say, “C’mon, we’re all smarter than that.” Let’s focus on a positive future instead of relying on our fatalistic fears to drive us.

Anyway, I guess we could be wrong, just like anybody could be wrong about anything, but this is how we want to approach the issue. Hopefully, you will get a laugh and see the inpending apocalypse for what it is—a needless scandal.

Your Editors,

Jenelle and Tormaigh

Contributors

Terry Campbell Dylan Laliberte Raymond Myles Mark Rieder Susan Thompson Mary Warren Chris Zwick

theVAULTmagazine is available free of charge at over 75 locations in the greater Peace Region every other Friday. We are funded solely through the support of our advertisers. theVAULTmagazine is published biweekly by Plato’s Cave Publishing. No content herein can be reproduced without written consent of the publisher. We accept contributions provided they are the property of the contributor and are offered exclusively to theVAULTmagazine. The publisher assumes no responsibility for the return or safety of contributed materials and therefore will not be held responsible.

All opinions or statements expressed do not necessarily represent those of the publisher or staff. The reader must understand that all information presented in this publication is from various sources, therefore theVAULTmagazine cannot be held responsible for any accuracy, completeness or legalities.

We ask that each reader take only one copy, unless your grabbing one for your friend. That is all.

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FEATURE 8 Pick your Apocalypse SECTIONS 04 Inside the Vault 06 Culture 07 Food & Drink 10 Arts 12 Calendar 14 Entertainment 16 Social Comment 17 Album Review 19 Astrology 20 Rants & Raves 22 Puzzles & Comics CRAC K T H E VAULT

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INSIDE THE VAULT NEWS SNIPPETS ALBERTA EXPECTED TO ESCAPE HIGH given rise to a huge amount of in Red Deer last September, property and the environment,” 86 megawatts, from Canadian worldwide uncertainty.

Redford was one of the only the statement said.

Solar Solutions Inc. FOOD COSTS Though food prices are expected to rise across the board worldwide, Alberta may not be as hard hit as the rest of Canada.

Food prices in Alberta rose an average of 4.8 per cent according to the most recent consumer price index, slightly lower in comparison to the rest of the country.

The last few years have been particularly challenging for consumers with fewer means. In 2011 alone, the prices of bakery products and cereals increased by almost 10 per cent.

Retail food prices this year are expected to show only slight increases over those in 2011, which would allow consumers to recalibrate their budgets for food. Consumers should expect moderate increases of no more than two per cent across all food categories.

It is a much needed break at the food teller that can be explained by a few factors, including the stagnating global economy.

Over the last year or so, the unstable situation in Europe has

China, India, and other emerging markets have seen significant increases in food prices over the last decade.

Their capacity to supply food products at very low prices is slowly eroding.

HIGH SPEED CONSIDERATION

RAIL

UNDER

Premier Alison Redford is hinting the province’s $2-billion GreenTRIP program could be reworked to support bigger initiatives, such as a provincial high-speed rail service or the creation of transportation hubs at major airports.

Redford said she wanted to see better connectivity among public transportation services, pointing to Charles de Gaulle airport in Paris as an example.

Just what that might look like in Alberta remains unclear. Some observers have suggested a highspeed rail service should include stops at the Edmonton and Calgary airports and connect to the municipal transit network.

During a PC leadership forum

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candidates to suggest it was time to seriously investigate the possibility of high-speed rail in Alberta. While most of her rivals said the province wasn’t ready, she told the crowd such an initiative could unite the province and send a message to Canada and the world about Alberta’s progress.

OIL COMPANY REPORTS PIPELINE SPILL

“The cause of the fluid leak is under investigation at this time but we do not believe there are any immediate adverse impacts to our employees or contractors, the public, or wildlife in the surrounding area.”

In June, Pengrowth shut-in a portion of the Judy Creek field after one of its smaller pipelines ruptured.

Pengrowth Energy Corp. says a well-site pipeline at its Judy Creek field, south of Swan Hills, had leaked about 1,900 cubic meters (338 barrels) of water and oil, the latest in a series of pipeline problems the company suffered this year.

It was also forced to shut-in part of its production after a gas pipeline exploded and caught fire in January.

Calgary-based Pengrowth said in a statement that on Dec. 15 it became aware of the leak, which it said was primarily water with small amounts of oil. It said the leak had been contained and cleanup efforts were underway.

TransCanada Corp., known for its vast network of oil and gas pipelines, is making an entry into the solar power business with the acquisition of nine Ontario projects for a total of $470 million.

“Pengrowth staff responding to the leak immediately initiated a shutdown of the line and procedures to mitigate any impact from the leak on

The Calgary-based company said Tuesday, Dec. 20th, it has agreed to buy the projects, with a combined capacity of

ALBERTA ENERGY GIANT DUMPS NUCLEAR FOR SOLAR POWER

“The addition of these solar projects allows us to expand and add to our diverse power generating portfolio where a third of the power we own, or have interests in, comes from alternative or renewable energy sources,” TransCanada CEO Russ Girling said in a news release.

TransCanada is also a partner in the Bruce Power nuclear plant on the shores of Lake Huron, which currently produces 4,700 megawatts of electricity.

All of the solar projects have 20year power purchase agreements with the Ontario Power Authority. Once the acquisition closes, the investment is expected to be immediately accretive to earnings and cash flow.

Under the deal, each of the projects will be developed and built by Canadian Solar using their photovoltaic panels.

TransCanada plans to buy each project after it begins commercial operation and once certain milestones have been met.

INSIDE THE VAULT

Bruce Powers Down: Peace Plant a No Go

BY SUSAN THOMPSON

B dead.

ruce Power’s controversial and locally divisive nuclear power plant project is

Those who believed the plant would bring important new development and jobs to Peace River’s economy are in mourning. Those who engaged in tirelessly persistent activism against it for environmental and safety reasons are claiming the plant’s end as a welcome and unexpected victory.

Bruce Power’s own official reason for abandoning the plant proposal was simply that it was the best business decision for the company.

But what does that mean exactly? What has changed about the economics of nuclear power since Energy Alberta’s formation and announcement of the project in 2005, or since Bruce Power bought out Energy Alberta in 2007 and moved the proposed site?

Peace River’s oil sands still seemed poised for rapid commercial development over the next few years, with Baytex’s Bill Krepps telling the first annual Peace Oil Sands conference last May that Peace River is like Lloydminster 25 years ago, and local business is apparently booming this winter. The increasing energy demand of the developing oil sands was always a major reason for construction of a new nuclear plant.

Nuclear proponents including Bruce Power have also been claiming for the past decade that the nuclear industry is undergoing a renaissance, due to rising energy demands, fossil fuel prices, and limits on carbon emissions. They have pounced on the opportunity to market nuclear power as a clean, green - and therefore, potentially profitable - source of electricity in a world battling human-induced climate change.

However, that nuclear renaissance and the economics behind it has always been arguable.

World Nuclear Industry Status Reports since 2000 have shown

nuclear energy’s share of global energy production steadily dropping, and with many reactors nearing the end of their lifespans it would take significant new power plant construction to reverse that trend.

Even in a best-case scenario, a new nuclear power plant takes up to a decade to build, meaning a large capital investment and a very long time period before that investment can even begin to be repaid. And that’s a best-case scenario. New reactors in Finland and France, reactors that were supposed to be the flag-bearers of the alleged renaissance, have gone over deadline and over budget.

Facts like that can make it hard to find investors, and these are trying economic times.

Economic instability in the U.S. and the world no doubt hasn’t helped the nuclear industry. There is simply not as much money to go around.

Natural gas prices have also slumped, making natural gas a stiff competitor for the nuclear industry. Shale field development

has helped flood the market, and natural gas plants remain much quicker and cheaper to build than nuclear power plants of a similar size.

Then, of course, there is the elephant in the room - Fukushima.

The three reactor meltdown in Japan, now ranked as the worst nuclear catastrophe since Chernobyl, has unquestionably cast a long shadow over the nuclear industry both in Canada and around the world.

It has sparked an unprecedented review of the safety and security of existing plants and the industry as a whole, with more stringent regulations likely to follow, driving the capital costs of nuclear power even higher. Some countries, such as Germany, have already backed away from nuclear power. China, the country with the largest plans for nuclear development by far, announced it would temporarily suspend construction of new plants pending review of the Fukushima incident.

Public perception has certainly soured at a critical time for the industry. There is no question CRAC K T H E VAULT

Fukushima is a huge setback.

The last thing the nuclear industry needed was another accident, especially in the most technologically advanced country in the world. Many say Fukushima was the nail in the nuclear industry’s coffin.

The Obama administration, for its part, continues to insist a nuclear renaissance is an important step toward cutting U.S. dependence on greenhouse-gasemitting power sources such as coal. On Dec. 22 the U.S. Nuclear Regulatory Commission (NRC) approved the latest version of Westinghouse Electric’s AP1000 reactor, stirring supporters hopes that a U.S. nuclear power revival may still come.

Bruce Power itself predicts that nuclear will still become an important part of Alberta’s energy mix in the future, even as the company focuses on refurbishing it’s Ontario reactors instead.

One thing is certain. If the nuclear industry is still set to experience a renaissance, despite all of the challenges it faces, it won’t start in Peace River.

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CULTURE

Apocalypse Anxiety

BY JENELLE LIZOTTE “It’s the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.” [REM]

S

a fictional survival manual that would become a New York Times Bestseller, I doubt he could predict how big the zombie fad would get. Don’t get me wrong, I love zombies, I just don’t genuinely fear them.

o 2012 is finally upon us.

Cue the maniacal circus of weirdos, crazies and doomsdayers.

Hordes of blogs and websites I, for one, have a bit more of a blasé attitude toward the hullabaloo. There are, however, many folks squirrelling away rations and supplies for the impending chaos. Without further ado, let us explore their mania to try to understand the rationale (or lack thereof ) for this excessive preparedness.

When author Max Brooks wrote 2003’s Zombie Survival Guide,

instruct readers how to survive a zombie epidemic. Forums discuss the viability of such an occurrence, how to prepare, what to pack in your BoB (Bug out Bag), etc.

Even the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, a government-run website that “provides users with credible, reliable information on” a variety of medical and environmental topics, has an entry

on “Preparedness 101: Zombie Apocalypse.” To be fair, it is a not-so-cleverly disguised article on being prepared in any emergency situation.

For others, it is not zombies they fear, but rather an irreversible cataclysm that will end the world as we know it. One such crazy person is alleged author Patrick Geryl. Geryl quit his job when he was 51, as he had saved enough money to last him until December 2012—when he believes the world will undergo a series of drastic changes. He believes the earth will undergo a pole-reversal, which will result in a domino effect of massive natural disasters and the dust from volcanic ash will block out the sun for 40 years. Blah blah blah.

GRIMSHAW | 780 . 332 . 2132 w w w. c a n t e c h e l e c t r i c . c o m

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Geryl has founded a survival group, who work at gathering supplies and materials to gear up for these end times.

Geryl isn’t alone. There are also a myriad of online communities devoted to planning and preparing for similar outcomes.

The major theme among these conversations is basically selfreliance and off-the-grid (OTG) living. Which, when you think of it, isn’t a bad way to live. The world will certainly die quicker if we continue to suck her dry of her resources and energy. These people, in my humble opinion, take it too far. They bring these ideals to a dark place and live in a state of fear.

These 2012 predictions are just the flavour-of-the-month reason to be afraid and buy shit. Let us not forget the hysteria around

Y2K. I mean I have a friend who maxed out all of his credit cards in 1999 just for the hell of it. Oh yeah, and that kook Harold Camping who predicted the apocalypse was coming on May 21, 2011 only to recalculate the date to 5 months later when his prediction came up short.

He has since gone into hiding, now only loosely affiliated with Family Radio, the station he presided over.

Whether or not the world is going to end (PS—it’s not), I will spend my remaining year on the things that make me happy rather than scurrying to my bunker filling it with freezedried taco meat and peas. I’d rather live in peace than live in fear of something that may happen (PS—it won’t).

FOOD & DRINK CARMENERE: THE LOST GRAPE OF THE NEW WORLD

SUBMITTED BY RAYMOND MYLES

S

ome historians believe it was the introduction of the steamship that brought about apocryphal devastation to many of the vineyards of Western Europe. Prior to steam power it took two to three weeks to cross the Atlantic Ocean depending on the winds. With the constant power of steam it would take seven to ten days.

Once Europeans had established settlements in the Americas, they planted grape vines with the intention of making wine. The rootstock of those vines came from the vineyards of France, Italy, and Spain and had lineage back to the Roman occupation of

those territories. Vines planted in the northern hemisphere of the Americas did poorly. There was better success in the southern hemisphere especially in Chile and some parts of Argentina. It takes three to five years for a vine to produce wine grade fruit. The vines in Central America produced small crops of poor quality grapes and many vines would die during this period. At one point, the government of Spain ordered all grape growing and winemaking to stop in this part of the new world because of the poor quality of the wine. New world vineyards abandoned the European rootstocks and started to cultivate native grapes which produced better results.

When crossing the Atlantic was reduced to less than two weeks, unwelcomed externalities occurred. Specific to European vineyards was the introduction of an evasive aphid known as phylloxera. This aphid attacked the roots of the vine and destroyed nearly half of the French vineyards. Commonly referred as the Great French Wine Blight, the damage done to French wine industry was enormous.

Spraying the aphid with insecticides proved useless as were other traditional means of eradication.

Because the aphid attacked the roots, French scientists discovered graphing European vines to North American rootstocks was a solution. It took the French wine industry years to recover and during this time some French winemakers immigrated to Spain and Italy because those areas were not affected as badly by the aphid.

One grape growing area not affected was Chile. The high Andes Mountains and the long ocean voyage from the source of the aphid allowed these vineyards to be isolated. As a result, Chile became a major source for the replanting of French vineyards.

Many of the most popular but not all the vines planted in Chile were returned to France for graphing in the effort to rebuild their vineyards.

In the late 1970s when the Chilean wine industry started to emerge as a world producer of quality wines, the Chilean merlot was considered to be distinctive and unique in taste. In the 1990s French wine Professor Jean-Michel Boursiquot confirmed the Chilean winemakers had mistaken a similar looking vine as a merlot hybrid. Actually, the vine was one of the original six grapes of Bordeaux known as carmenere. The carmenere vine was

planted in Chile before the Great Wine Blight, but it was never returned for replanting after the aphid infestation.

Today, Chile is the world leader in carmenere wines. With soft tannins and a good fruit-forward taste, it is an excellent alternative to merlots or Shiraz. If you prefer more structure, you can find carmenere blended with cabernet sauvignon, which will have more of a bite.

Carmenere matches most foods. If you would like to taste an interesting piece of history, Rum Runners in Grimshaw sells a real good bottle of carmenere for around $12 bucks.

Bio: Raymond Myles has certification in wine evaluation and has 15 years experience in the wine industry. His thesis is to promote good tasting value wines having a selling price under $15. Thus, debunking the myth that higher prices means better quality wines.

Raymond will be a regular contributor to theVAULTmagazine reminding everyone of the ancient Latin proverb: “In Vino Veritas” when translated means: “In Wine There Is Truth.”

Rum Runners Liquor Store

Beer of the Month Club 1. Buy this month’s Sampler Pack, 2. Come back to purchase one of the month’s selected beers, 3. Receive 20% off the purchase price of those beer!

New Items in Store Weekly Wide variety of gift ideas Advice & Discounts for Weddings & Events

HWY 2, Grimshaw 780-332-2299

Mushroom Shrimp Risotto: Great with steak & a side of veg YOU’LL NEED

DIRECTIONS

2 tbsp - olive oil

1. Heat oil on medium heat in a large frying pan. Add onions and saute until soft.

1 lg onion, diced 3 cloves garlic, diced 1/4

cup - parsley, diced

salt & pepper 1 1/2 cups - mushrooms 1 cup - milk 1 cup - arborio rice 1 carton (900 mL) chicken broth 2 tbsp - butter 1 cup - parmesan cheese, grated 1 cup raw shrimp

2. Pour carton of chicken stock into a sauce pan and heat on low.

3. Add mushrooms, parsley and salt and pepper to onions. Saute until mushrooms are soft.

4. Add rice and milk to onions and simmer until the milk starts to absorb. Start adding chicken stock 1/2 a cup at a time, stirring constantly.

5. In a small pan, saute shrimp with garlic and 1 tbsp. butter and salt and pepper.

6. When rice is tender add the remaining butter and parmesan cheese.

CRAC K T H E VAULT

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PICK YOUR APOCALYPSE: A GUIDE TO

BY CHRIS ZWICK

S

o, these are the last days of our lives.

The clock is ticking down on our last year. How do you feel about that? A bit anxious? Paranoid? The apocalypse stalks us from all directions. It could come at any

moment, but the common consensus is that it will happen sometime this year, most likely in December. Are you ready? We’re going to hear a lot about potential threats in the coming months, whether terrestrial or extraterrestrial, prophesied or not. Did you live your life to the fullest? Were you

Death from above “The sky is falling!” said Chicken Little, as the fiery space-ball broke through the atmosphere and crashed to the Earth with the force of a thousand nuclear warheads.

We should have seen it coming with all our highfalutin science, but the circumstances came together just right, as the two trajectories intersected in space.

Death will come quickly for those lucky enough to be vaporized in the asteroid’s direct path, while the survivors will go more slowly as impact debris spreads across the Earth, cutting off all sunlight, stunting the growth cycle and eventually freezing the large majority of the living inhabitants of the planet we once knew. It could displace a whole

ocean, depending on its size, creating tidal waves of unimaginable stature and destruction.

Theories say that a large asteroid was responsible for the formation of our moon when the solar system was in its infancy. And it’s a widely held hypothesis that a similar extinction event was the demise of the dinosaurs, but there were survivors. It has happened before and we know other planets are pummeled with travelling interstellar bodies on a daily basis.

The odds aren’t so bad for this one and at this point our early detection systems are substandard at best. Depending on the type of threat we’re dealing with, a few days notice might be all we have.

A Mayan says wha?

A lot of the hype and hysteria surrounding 2012 comes from the misinterpretation of the Mayan calendar which supposedly comes to an abrupt end on December 21, 2012. This misinterpretation has been perpetuated and sensationalized by movies and other media for the last few years, leading to many theories on what the end of the Mayan calendar actually means.

The planets in fact align on certain dates, not often, but often enough that we can foresee it and know we have lived through many alignments in the past with no consequence -- the last was in 2010. It will not lead to a polar shift, massive earthquakes, or the eruption of super-volcanoes across the globe. The

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kind to others? To yourself? Did you truly love life? Did you finish your “bucket list?”

What if it’s all gone tomorrow? Think about it. How are you going to survive? You can arm yourself heavily with weapons and faith -- they probably won’t help, but they might give you some comfort in your final days…

Self-fulfilling prophesy It’s been more than 2,000 years in the making and it’s known by many names – Armageddon, the rapture, the second coming. When the invisible man in the sky says enough is enough, then enough is apparently enough.

Based on the Bible’s Book of Revelation, it’s the ultimate battle to end all battles. In the process, war, famine and disease spread across the land, Satan is released and defeated

by Jesus, rivers and oceans turn to blood, the dead are resurrected and the living are judged.

Some other sights to watch out for include 144,000 evangelists, 24 Elders; two witnesses, four living creatures; four horsemen, seven

trumpets, seven bowls, seven golden lamp stands; seven broken seals and seven spirits, among other spectacular scenes.

If you’re lucky enough to be judged favorably, there is a chance of survival. Believers are rewarded with eternal life in heaven and on the new Earth. Non-believers are condemned to suffer in hell forever.

Like any prophesy, the Book of Revelation has been interpreted in many ways.

Some see it symbolically while others interpret it quite literally.

There are certain rules one must follow to be allowed into the very exclusive club.

More death from above

Mayan calendar, like every other calendar, does not end – it just repeats. It happens to be 5,125 of our contemporary calendar years long, so the significance of a new cycle tends to be overstated.

We will all wake up December 22 and go to work as we always have and soon after a new doomsday date will come and go, then another and another.

Ever feel like you’re being watched? If there is an alien attack coming in 2012, they must be doing their reconnaissance by now.

but there are actually big government brains trying to think of all the possible ways a war with other-worldly beings could play out.

If you believe what you read on the internet, UFO sightings are on the rise in the last decade, leading to the theory that we are in fact under observation. The intention of the visitors at this point though is unclear and it’s human nature to fear what we do not know.

Our knowledge of the Mayans is minimal at best and is largely speculative.

When the Europeans arrived in the New World nearly all of the indigenous literature was destroyed and we’ve only just recently deciphered the code that is the Mayan language, and only from the architecture that has happened to survive for 500 years.

It’s another end-of-theworld scenario that’s been ultra-sensationalized by Hollywood in movies like “Independence Day,” “Close Encounters of the Third Kind,” and “The War of the Worlds,” among hundreds of other titles,

If you were a highly evolved being of superior intelligence with the ability to travel faster than light would you take what you wanted or tease and toy with a species? Abducting, molesting and then returning thousands of individuals over an 80 year span?

To what end? The UFO phenomenon is a true mystery.

There are lights in the sky – they’ve been captured on film and video – and a lot of them are truly incredible and unexplainable. Are they piloted by extraterrestrials? Maybe, but probably not.

J A NU ARY 6, 20 12

HOW THE WORLD WON’T END IN 2012

The enemy within viruses considered to be potential threats. Laboratories around the world act as containers for some of the most deadly viruses and bacteria ever known; not only Spanish Flu but Smallpox, Malaria, Anthrax, Bubonic Plague, Typhoid, Ebola, SARS and AIDS. If the end of the world is coming, most of us suspect it will be the result of an external force, but one of the most realistic scenarios is an internal one – a worldwide pandemic. The word alone compels people to purchase gas masks disinfectant and duct tape for their windows.

Even without the presence of a sinister force to intentionally spread the tiny toxins, many of these infectious diseases have been already weaponized. Throughout history, the power of germs has been well known. The use of biological weapons has been documented as early as 1,500 A.D. when the Hittites sent plague victims into enemy territory to spread the disease. It has also been argued that Europeans intentionally spread smallpox to the natives who lived in the New World they discovered. Delivery methods have only become more sophisticated.

It has happened before, even in relatively modern times. After WWI, the Spanish Flu is estimated to have killed 100 million people around the world. That’s small potatoes in a world of 7 billion people but keep in mind it’s a lot easier to spread disease with planes, trains, automobiles, and weakened immune Chances of survival could be high systems thanks to a steady diet of depending on the contagion and the progress already established toantibiotics. wards a vaccine. It won’t be pretty, This problem is further compound- but you could make it out alive, if ed by the sheer potency of the you take the right precautions.

When planets attack Ever heard of Nibiru? How about Planet X? Nancy Lieder? She’s the American woman who claims to be able to communicate with extraterrestrial beings from Zeta Reticuli after she was abducted as a child and a device was implanted in her brain.

Lieder went public with her Planet X idea in 1995, saying she was chosen to warn mankind of the planet’s imminent arrival in 2003. It never happened, but the idea continued to evolve over the next few years as Lieder made a connection to ancient Babylonian and Sumerian writing which stated the existence of a planet that passes by Earth every 3,600 years, allowing the residents of that planet, called Nibiru, to mingle with the inhabitants of Earth.

Of course, scientists reject the idea of a planet about to collide with Earth outright, but with that denial, there is a faction who believe that world governments, along with NASA, are covering up the return of Nibiru.

Unlike a collision with an asteroid, a collision with a planet four times the size of Earth would absolutely kill everything on the planet, and the planet itself, as it spins out of its orbit and into deep space.

nuclear countdown In what could very well be the most plausible potential apocalyptic scenario, it has struck fear into the hearts of every generation since its inception – it’s the threat of nuclear annihilation, and even with treaties and alliances in place, it’s a real threat that is still a possibility in a post Cold War world.

Mutually assured destruction is a term most who lived through the Cold War would like to forget but the fact remains if one country were to launch a nuclear warhead, other nuclear capable countries would soon launch their own weapons whether it be in defense of itself or its allies.

There are currently eight countries confirmed to have successfully created and tested nuclear weapons – United States, United Kingdom, Russia, France, China, India, Pakistan and North Korea. It is widely believed that Israel also possesses nuclear capabilities, but has made a point of neither confirming nor denying those capabilities. The United States remains the only country to deploy these weapons in war and continues to possess the largest collection in the world.

When the United States dropped two bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, in Japan in 1945, it put an end to WWII. Germany had surrendered, but the war

in the Pacific was only intensifying and the allies’ resources were dwindling after years of war in Europe. It’s notable that Japan did not surrender immediately – it took two bombs, two days apart, on two different cities to end the war.

The chance of initially surviving a nuclear incident is absolutely possible, but radioactivity plays a long game, so the survivors will likely envy the dead.

Those caught in the blast radius will be instantly vaporized, but those more than a few miles away from the blast may initially think they are alright. Radiation is deceiving. Burns will heal but radiation poisons one’s blood eventually resulting in a horrible death. Those who do survive will live in a world of contaminated food and water and birth defects that will last for generations.In the 50s, people were taught to take cover under the nearest piece of furniture. You can put this into practice if you see a mushroom cloud on the horizon, but like all the precautions to avoid the apocalypse – it probably won’t help.

When will it end? …Chances are the status quo will prevail, but as we’ve seen, if the apocalypse does happen it could happen in any number of ways. Pick your apocalypse. Is it going to happen in the next year?

Probably not. Some scenarios are more likely than others but we can’t say with 100 per cent certainty what, if anything will ever happen. Each one would certainly change the way we all look at the world. To look at it in a positive CRAC K T H E VAULT

light, there are few scenarios that will absolutely eradicate humans – there will be survivors to perpetuate the species until the sun explodes. Survivors that will adapt to whatever environment they wake up in. Survivors we hope will remember their ancestors’ mistakes and pass on the genetic knowledge to shift the paradigm and strive towards a new golden age.

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ARTS Raina Cook Artist Profile:

BY DYLAN LALIBERTE

I

t’s June 24th, 1992.

3:15 a.m. in the city of Thompson, Manitoba— the witching hour. Rain pours down from the sky, soaking everything it touches, and coating the world in a depressing gray. Suddenly, a screaming baby girl is brought into this world, baptized in blood. The rain stops. And then, moments later…a rainbow appears. She’s Raina Cook: Artiste Extraordinaire.

and she got a dark look in her eye. I pursued the matter no further. After seeing much of Canada in a chaotic and disgusting decade known as “The Neon Nineties,” Raina and her family finally settled down for good in the town of Peace River. Finally, her artistic endeavors had room to flourish.

Raina is 99% self-taught, badass, and balls to the walls artist.

The day after her birth, Cook started her ten year journey on the road. Bouncing from east to west, town to town, from Wetaskawin to Calgary, Raina traveled, like an unrelenting whirlwind, blasting For years, Cook was unorganized and carefree with her things from her path. art. I asked if I could see some “I moved to at least ten differ- of her earlier works. “No, I ent settlements before I was usually either threw them out ten years old.” Raina tells me, or just didn’t finish them,” she in the dark confines of her explained. “It took me a total living room. When I asked of fifteen years on this planet more about her dark past, the before I actually sat down and lights flickered in the room, made a work of art.” Raina is

99% self-taught, badass, and balls to the walls artist. The only education she had was a recent sponsored trip to the Red Deer College, where she took a course in Nude Model Sketching. Saucy stuff. I asked Raina what her favorite art type was, and she drew a blank. It appears that this art aficionado has a purely unbiased look on the art community. She did, however, let me in on her secret art weapon of choice: a simple pen, and maybe some pencils for smudging. “Paper is also very important,” she informs me.

And, just when I think this Artiste can’t get any better, she throws a curveball my way. She is also a very skilled Pianist. Since the age of eleven, Raina was a selftaught Pianist. At the age of 14, she felt it was time to try piano lessons. “I tried it for a month, but I couldn’t do it for long. I just couldn’t handle all the structure of trying to learn everything ‘by the book,’” she

Wow, she is also working on new music with local band A New Direction. Not only is she playing piano for them, but she’s also working on the cover art for their up-coming record. Make sure you stay tuned for more from this In the coming year of 2012, young artistic pilgrim of Raina is a very busy young power. She’s guaranteed to lady indeed. On top of five impress her vision onto your pieces she’s currently work- fragile minds. ing on for this summer’s Pow explained. “I just couldn’t read the notes and play at the same time. I was too used to playing by finger memory.”

That’s right. She also plays by using “finger memory.” What a badass.

www.thevaultmag.com 10 theVAULTmagazine

JANU ARY 6, 20 12

ARTS Artist Directory

ART ACHIEVES TIME TRAVEL

Charge of the Lancers, Umberto Boccioni, 1915

BY MARY WARREN

W

hen the subject of the future is at hand, it is often overshadowed by a feeling of uncertainty and doubt.

What does the future hold?

Could it be mass destruction by a robotic siege? Or will an asteroid annihilate every living creature with its tremendous impact? Even people with the greatest foresight cannot say for certain, and that leaves some of us hesitant to act.

Despite how we may attempt to influence the future, nobody ever knows the results until they finally occur. In the art and social world, Futurism was a revolutionary explosion.

Futurism’s predominantly Italian philosophers promoted change by aggressively thrusting it upon the traditional art world.

Thanks primarily to founder Filippo Tommaso Marinetti, and other bold Futurists, the movement has continued to revolutionize the art world. It has been credited in to have inspired cubism (Picasso), art deco (Tamara de Lempicka) and constructivism (Alexander Rodchenko).

“We will fight with all our might the fanatical, senseless and snobbish religion of the past, a religion encouraged by the

vicious existence of museums.

We rebel against that spineless worshipping of old canvases, old statues and old bric-abrac, against everything which is filthy and worm-ridden and corroded by time. We consider the habitual contempt for everything which is young, new and burning with life to be unjust and even criminal,” said Umberto Boccioni in the The Futurist Painter’s Manifesto.

Marinetti first publicly posited Futurism during the Italian Industrial Revolution in 1901 in “Futurist Manifesto.” He and likeminded artists were inspired by the new waves in technology and felt it was time the art world caught up.

Futurists shared a common disdain for art that was not creative, promoted stagnant societal values, and lacked depictions of humanity’s dominance over nature.

Traditionally, Futurism is chaotic and violent, displaying the glory of technology and motion. Images depict sporadic movement in an abstract form, coming from all sources and angles. It is like viewing a panorama image depicting motion overlapped repeatedly.

Futurism promoted the loud

embrace of modernization, technology, and science. Today, it has influenced Japanese culture via anime and manga through the demonstration of metallization of the body.

Futurism has also influenced the cyber punk subculture, cinema, trans-humanism and neo-futurism.

Due to being a radical art and social movement, Futurism has never been restricted to a single medium; it has no boundaries.

Futurism has been depicted not only through painting but also poetry, sculpture, theatre, music, architecture, and even gastronomy (food).

Essentially, Futurism is not merely about art. It is the acceptance of modernization, and a strong push towards progress. Therefore, as long as humanity exists and continues to make advances in science, the spirit of Futurism and its philosophers will also exist.

Futurists acknowledge the past is behind us and we must pave the way, provocatively if necessary, for a bright new future.

E P H E M E R A Band (Buzz Lorenzen, lead vocals, guitar, songwriter.

Anjil Shimoon, cello, backing vocals, extreme sexiness.) drbuzzmd@yahoo.com

CJ LYONS Works by commission in acrylic, graphite, charcoal and digital design.

Gallery at meganekkobomb.deviantart.com caylah.lyons@hotmail.com

CAROLYN GERK Pencil, Acrylic, & Watercolor (Portraits, landscapes, still life, children’s decor, murals, personalized items, decorative art and gifts. Requests welcome) 7 8 0 - 6 2 5 - 1 2 1 5 carolyn.2345@hotmail.com FB: Creative Design by Carolyn

ALECIA VOGEL Singer/Songwriter (Gravitates more towards the pop/ folk side of things. Also in the midst of releasing a demo and loving every moment of it.) aleciahh@gmail.com 7 8 0 - 6 2 5 - 7 3 2 9

VERNON LEDGER Musician (Guitar, Bass, Piano, Vocals. Band: A New Direction. Teaches Song Writing, Jams, Available for events.)

7 8 0 - 6 2 4 - 2 6 9 3 ner vedge1984@live.com LEAH WOOD Photographer (Do you want unique photos?

Order your session today!)

780-618-8204 leahwoodphotography.com leahwoodphotography.com/ blog SUSAN THOMPSON Dancer (Belly dance, fire dance, fire fans, palm torches, LED fans, choreographed or freestyle, go-go dancing) vantom@xplornet.com FB: Sisu Belly Dance ARIANA

HAMMERBERG

Oil, Acrylic, & Watercolour (Landscapes,abstract,mixed m e d i a ) 7 8 0 - 6 2 5 - 1 7 9 4 ahammerberg@yahoo.com FB: Paintings by Ariana

MARIE ELDSTROM Photographer (Owns House of E Photographic Imagery. Book a session.

Tell your story. Promises a unique and exciting experience. Portraits & Prints.) marieeldstrom@gmail.com houseofphotographic a r t i s t r y. b l o g s p o t . c o m MARY WARREN Graphite & Ink (Realistic to animated, I enjoy working with nearly all mediums and art forms. I also dabble in clothing design.) sickyslimys@hotmail.com SARAH SHUDRA Dancer (Director of Bongo Studio, Latin instructor, Zumba instructor, choreographer and professional dancer of Peruvian music) 780-625-7428 sarashudra@yahoo.es

Are you an artist or musician who would like to be featured in theVAULTmagazine’s Artist Directory?

Email us your info at thevaultmagazine@hotmail.com

Death will not hinder us, the past won’t block us. The future is waiting, and as these bold artists have taught us, it is within our hands.

CRACK T H E VAULT

theVAULTmagazine

11

Community Calendar Email us at theVAULTmagazine@hotmail.com to add your event to the calendar All information presented in this calendar is gathered from a variety of sources. theVAULTmagazine assumes no responsibility for any misrepresented information. We mean well. Any corrections or compliments can be directed to thevaultmagazine@hotmail.com

FRI, JAN 6 P

P

F

P

P

P

STORYTIME (Family) - PR Municipal Library 10:30am - Every Friday. Up to age 5. Story and Craft. Parent or Caregiver participation required.

G DINNER THEATRE REHEARSALS “THIS OLD

PEACE RIVER SOUP KITCHEN (Community) - St. James Cathedral 12-1pm - Volunteers Needed.

P

YOGA (Well-Being) - Senior Citizen’s Centre 4pm - Beginner and Intermediate. BYO Mats and Blanket. Drop-ins welcome. $12.

(Sundays from Jan 8 - Apr 1). For more info call 780-624-4249.

MON, JAN 9

ZUMBA CLASS REGISTRATION DAY (Fitness) Bongo Studio (10024-100St) 5:30pm - Register for DivaGirl Fitness, Salsa Cardio Fitness or Zumba Programs. Classes start Jan 9th. For more info call 780-625-7428.

P

P

INDOOR WALKING PROGRAM (Fitness) - Al Adair Rec Centre 12-1pm. Every Mon & Fri. Bring Indoor Shoes and a Friend! For more info call 780-624-3474.

Municipal Library 10-11:30pm - For more info call 780-322-3954.

SAT, JAN 7 ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS (Self Help) Grace United Church. 8pm - Every Saturday.

For more info call 780-624-4710.

G WRITER’S BLOCK (Community) - Grimshaw

G GRIMSHAW HIGH GRAD BOTTLE DRIVE (Community) - 10-4pm - Students will go doorto-door in Grimshaw, Berwyn and Brownvale to collect donations. For more info call Glenna Eastman at 780-597-3762.

M GET YOUR BUTT IN GEAR (Fitness) - McLennan

P

P

BILINGUAL STORYTIME (Family) - Peace River Municipal Library 2pm - Ages 3-5. Join us for two stories one in English and one in French and a craft. Parent or caregiver participation required.

F ZEN MEDITATION (Well-Being) - Fine Arts

Centre 10am - For more info call Eileen at 780-494-3410.

12 theVAULTmagazine

M

P

G

P

Legion Hall 11-12pm - Tuesdays and Thursdays.

FREE Everyone welcome!

P

F

HATHA YOGA (Well-Being) - Bodhi Tree 7pm - Beginner classes. Drop-in $12 or purchase a punch card. For more info call 780-624-8838.

P

DINNER THEATRE REHEARSALS “THIS OLD MAN” (Theatre) - Elk’s Hall 7pm - Every Tues, Thurs, and Sun until Jan 27. Performances in late Jan, early Feb.

G

ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS (Self Help) - St. Paul’s United Church. 8pm - Every Tuesday and Thursday. For more information call 780-624-4710 DEVELOPMENTAL PLAYGROUP (Family) United Church Basement 1-2:30pm - Gross and Fine Motor Skills, Social Skills, Healthy Snacks, Music and Crafts. Every Thursday.

HATHA YOGA (Well-Being) - Bodhi Tree 5:30 - Beginner/Intermediate classes. Drop-in $12 or purchase a punch card. For more info call 780-624-8838.

DINNER THEATRE REHEARSALS “THIS OLD MAN” (Theatre) - Elk’s Hall 7pm - Every Tues, Thurs, and Sun until Jan 27. Performances in late Jan, early Feb.

G TAKING OFF POUNDS SENSIBLY (TOPS)

4-5:30pm - Ages 6-9. Every Thurs. For more info call 780-322-3954.

Elks Hall 10am - Every Mon and Thurs. Socialize while exercising and having fun.

C KID’S CLUB (Family) - Mamowintowin Hall

(Fitness) - Grimshaw Hospital 6:30pm - For more info call Linda 780-322-7443

C PARENTS AND TOTS (Family) - Mamowintowin

Hall 1:30-3pm - Every Wednesday. For more info call 780-322-3954.

P

PEACE RIVER SOUP KITCHEN (Community) - St. James Cathedral 12-1pm - Volunteers Needed.

P

JANU ARY 6, 20 12

MANNING WALKING GROUP (Fitness) Legion Hall 11-12pm - Tuesdays and Thursdays.

FREE Everyone welcome!

M MANNING WALKING GROUP (Fitness) -

M GET YOUR BUTT IN GEAR (Fitness) - McLennan

NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS (Self Help) Peace River United Church 7pm - Every Mon and Fri. For More Info call 780-219-1485.

MANNING MINI-GYM (Family) - Manning M Elementary Gym 10:30am - Mondays. 1h or play and song. All pre-school children welcome.

ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS SUPPORT GROUP (Self Help) - St. Paul’s United Church (upstairs) 7:30pm - For more information call Sharon at 780-624-8778.

THURS, JAN 12

READ AWAY PROGRAM (Self Help) - PR Municipal Library 1-2pm - Adult reading circle (improve your reading skills). Every Wed. For more info call 780-624-4076.

P

Elks Hall 10am - Every Mon and Thurs. Socialize while exercising and having fun.

DROP IN FLOOR HOCKEY (Fitness) - GPRC F Rec Centre 5:30-7pm - Every Mon. $6 with gym membership, FREE with membership.

ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS (Self Help) - St. Paul’s United Church. 8pm - Every Tuesday and Thursday. For more information call 780-624-4710

WED, JAN 11

Library 7:30pm - Every Mon. For more info call Gordon at 780-332-1732.

P

SUN, JAN 8

P

FREE SWIM (Family) - Peace River Pool 6:308:30pm - Sponsored by the ATB Financial.

N PARENTS & TOTS (Family) - Nampa

G

TUES, JAN 10

MAN” (Theatre) - Elk’s Hall 7pm - Every Tues, Thurs, and Sun until Jan 27. Performances in late Jan, early Feb.

NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS (Self Help) - Peace River United Church 7pm - Every Mon and Fri. For More Info call 780-219-1485.

DROP IN VOLLEYBALL (Fitness) - GPRC Community Rec Centre 7-9pm - $6 without gym membership, FREE with a gym membership. Every Friday.

FREE SKATE (Family) - Kinsmen Arena 5-6:30pm - Sponsored by Clean Harbors Energy Services.

PEACE RIVER SOUP KITCHEN (Community) - St. James Cathedral 12-1pm - Volunteers Needed.

INDOOR WALKING PROGRAM (Fitness) - Al Adair Rec Centre 1 - 2pm. Every Wed. Bring Indoor Shoes and a Friend! For more info call 780-624-3474.

N BOOK CLUB (Community) - Nampa Municipal

Library 1:30pm- Second Wed. of the month. For more info call 780-322-3805.

FRI, JAN 13 P

P

P

STORYTIME (Family) - Peace River Municipal Library 10:30am - Every Friday. Up to age 5.

Story and Craft. Parent or Caregiver participation required.

NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS (Self Help) Peace River United Church 7pm - Every Mon and Fri. For More Info call 780-219-1485.

PEACE RIVER SOUP KITCHEN (Community) - St. James Cathedral 12-1pm - Volunteers Needed. www.prsoupkitchen.org

Grimshaw G

B

Berwyn/Brownvale

C

Cadotte Lake

D

DIXONVILLE

F

Falher

F

Fairview

Peace River P

G

Girouxville

St. Isidore S

F

P

DROP IN VOLLEYBALL (Fitness) GPRC Community Rec Centre 7-9pm - $6 without gym membership, FREE with a gym membership. Every Friday INDOOR WALKING PROGRAM (Fitness) - Al Adair Rec Centre 12-1pm. Every Mon & Fri. Bring Indoor Shoes and a Friend! For more info call 780-624-3474.

SAT, JAN 14 G ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS (Self Help) -

Grace United Church. 8pm - Every Saturday.

For more info call 780-624-4710.

P

G

F

N

P

BILINGUAL STORYTIME (Family) - Peace River Municipal Library 2pm - Ages 3-5. Join us for two stories one in English and one in French and a craft. Parent or caregiver participation required.

UKRAINIAN NEW YEAR’S DANCE (Cultural) Old Lac Cardinal Hall - Band: Northern Aces.

Authentic Midnight Supper. Tickets ($20) available from Judy (780-597-2497), Bob (780-618-6938), Pat (780-597-2400), or Donna (780-625-4039).

UKRAINIAN NEW YEAR’S DANCE (Cultural) - David Thompson Hall 9pm - Band: Cool Water. Hot Ukrainian Supper. Tickets ($25) available from David Thompson members or Ruby’s Variety Shop.

UKRAINIAN NEW YEAR’S BASH (Cultural) Nampa Complex - Pyrogie Supper. Live and silent auction. Draws and Raffles. Dance with DJ Fav. Tickets ($40 or $75 per couple) available at Bumper to Bumper in Nampa or Java Domainn and Lookin’ Good in Peace River.

LOCAL VARIETY SHOW (Music) - Belle Petroleum Centre 8pm - Tickets ($10/adv, $20/door) can be purchased from Main St. Shell, Aspen Grove Spa or the Belle Centre 780-624-8318.

Nampa N Manning M McLennan M

PROUD TO SUPPORT OUR COMMUNITY! Inquire about coffee for your next event.

while exercising and having fun.

SUN, JAN 15 F

ZEN MEDITATION (Well-Being) - Fine Arts Centre 10am - For more info call Eileen at 780-494-3410.

G DINNER THEATRE REHEARSALS “THIS OLD MAN” (Theatre) - Elk’s Hall 7pm - Every Tues, Thurs, and Sun until Jan 27. Performances in late Jan, early Feb. P

P

FREE SKATE (Family) - Kinsmen Arena 5-6:30pm - Sponsored by Clean Harbors Energy Services.

YOGA (Well-Being) - Senior Citizen’s Centre 4pm - Beginner and Intermediate. BYO Mats and Blanket. Drop-ins welcome. $12.

(Sundays from Jan 8 - Apr 1). For more info call 780-624-4249.

MON, JAN 16 P

NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS (Self Help) Peace River United Church 7pm - Every Mon and Fri. For More Info call 780-219-1485.

P

Municipal Library 10-11:30pm - For more info call 780-322-3954.

P

P

G

Elks Hall 10am - Every Mon and Thurs. Socialize

ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS SUPPORT GROUP (Self Help) - St. Paul’s United Church (upstairs) 7:30pm - For more information call Sharon at 780-624-8778.

DINNER THEATRE REHEARSALS “THIS OLD MAN” (Theatre) - Elk’s Hall 7pm - Every Tues, Thurs, and Sun until Jan 27. Performances in late Jan, early Feb. Manning Legion Hall 11-12pm - Tuesdays and Thursdays. FREE Everyone welcome!

HATHA YOGA (Well-Being) - Bodhi Tree 7pm - Beginner classes. Drop-in $12 or purchase a punch card. For more info call 780-624-8838.

WED, JAN 18

N SENIOR’S COFFEE MORNING (Community)

- Nampa Municipal Library 10:30-12pm Third Wed. of the month. For more info call 780-322-3805.

THURS, JAN 19 M

4-5:30pm - Ages 6-9. Every Thurs. For more info call 780-322-3954.

G DINNER THEATRE REHEARSALS “THIS OLD

MAN” (Theatre) - Elk’s Hall 7pm - Every Tues, Thurs, and Sun until Jan 27. Performances in late Jan, early Feb.

M

P

Hall 1:30-3pm - Every Wednesday. For more info call 780-322-3954.

P

INDOOR WALKING PROGRAM (Fitness) - Al Adair Rec Centre 1 - 2pm. Every Wed. Bring Indoor Shoes and a Friend! For more info call 780-624-3474.

CRAC K T H E VAULT

MANNING WALKING GROUP (Fitness) Legion Hall 11-12pm - Tues & Thurs. FREE Everyone welcome!

C KID’S CLUB (Family) - Mamowintowin Hall

C PARENTS AND TOTS (Family) - Mamowintowin

F DROP IN FLOOR HOCKEY (Fitness) - GPRC

M GET YOUR BUTT IN GEAR (Fitness) - McLennan

ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS (Self Help) - St. Paul’s United Church. 8pm - Every Tuesday and Thursday. For more information call 780-624-4710

M MANNING WALKING GROUP (Fitness) -

MANNING MINI-GYM (Family) - Manning Elementary Gym 10:30am - Mondays. 1h or play and song. All pre-school children welcome.

Rec Centre 5:30-7pm - Every Mon. $6 with gym membership, FREE with membership.

READ AWAY PROGRAM (Self Help) - PR Municipal Library 1-2pm - Adult reading circle (improve your reading skills). Every Wednesday. For more info call 780-624-4076.

(Fitness) - Grimshaw Hospital 6:30pm - For more info call Linda 780-322-7443.

TUES, JAN 17

P

INDOOR WALKING PROGRAM (Fitness) - Al Adair Rec Centre 12-1pm. Every Mon & Fri. Bring Indoor Shoes and a Friend! For more info call 780-624-3474.

PEACE RIVER SOUP KITCHEN (Community) - St. James Cathedral 12-1pm - Volunteers Needed. www.prsoupkitchen.org

G TAKING OFF POUNDS SENSIBLY (TOPS)

Library 7:30pm - Every Mon. For more info call Gordon at 780-332-1732.

P

P

N PARENTS & TOTS (Family) - Nampa

G WRITER’S BLOCK (Community) - Grimshaw

M

PEACE RIVER SOUP KITCHEN (Community) - St. James Cathedral 12-1pm - Volunteers Needed. www.prsoupkitchen.org

P

P

GET YOUR BUTT IN GEAR (Fitness) - McLennan Elks Hall 10am - Every Mon and Thurs. Socialize while exercising and having fun.

HATHA YOGA (Well-Being) - Bodhi Tree 5:30 - Beginner/Intermediate classes. Drop-in $12 or purchase a punch card. For more info call 780-624-8838.

ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS (Self Help) - St. Paul’s United Church. 8pm - Every Tuesday and Thursday. For more information call 780-624-4710

theVAULTmagazine

13

ENTERTAINMENT Boogie Patrol at the Belle Centre

BY MARY WARREN

W

hen Boogie Patrol plays their electrifying brand of soul, blues, funk, and rock, it gets you right twisted.

Aptly named, December 27’s Twisted Tuesday jump started the coming New Year for the mostly 20s-and-30s crowd that filled the Belle Centre.

It didn’t take long for the music

to start taking influence. As most will agree, dance fever is highly contagious, something Boogie Patrol achieves with ease. The overpoweringly danceable vibes packed the dance floor with all kinds—stompers, jumpers, shufflers, and swayers. It was nearly impossible not to be drawn in by Edmonton’s own intensely animated band.

Each member performs lively and enthusiastically. Solos

are played with passion, a spectacle of pure joy. Still, somehow “Rotten” Dan (vocals, harmonica) was especially spirited—pulsating, sweating, and moving his entire body in a trance. It is truly thrilling to watch.

Boogie Patrol instills a sense of nostalgia for the rhythms of great music’s past. If you allow it, it’ll activate not only your imagination but even vivid

memories. You may find the music transport you to a smokefilled room with a radio or cassette player. As you nod your head and hypnotically sway your body in sync with the groove, the blues will unapologetically wrap itself around your eyes, making you blind to everything but the heartfelt harmonica and powerful vocals. All the while the overwhelming spirit of funk and soul music raise your spirits and caress your body, taunting

you to move your body. It’s impossible to escape.

These

musicians

go

deep

within the threshold of their art form. They seem to be more than mere men manipulating instruments but rather the ideal image of the music itself. There is no question—Boogie Patrol finds you.

Doomsday advice by acclaimed rock writer Emergency, because as the subtitle indicates – this book will save your life.

REVIEWED BY CHRIS ZWICK

I

f you only read one book before the big, bad apocalypse comes and gets you this year, make sure it’s Neil Strauss’

Readers who are familiar with Strauss might see the new book as a departure from his work with Rolling Stone magazine, his rock n’ roll biographies, and the pick-up artist manuals of the past. Fans will ask themselves if it’s all tongue-in-cheek – poking fun at the doomsayers and socalled prophets. It does start out that way, but it soon becomes clear he is 100 per cent serious, and the advice he gives is actually really practical, provided the end times are upon you.

Strauss begins by looking back to the turn of the century – to

14 theVAULTmagazine

JANU ARY 6, 20 12

New Year’s Eve 1999 and the months of Y2K hysteria that preceded it. He was working for the New York Times and was on assignment to spend the New Year with one of any number of supposed death cults who were banking on the end of the world to come at the stroke of midnight. The end didn’t come that night, but it became a marking point for Strauss and the story of how he started to become more and more like them.

Two years later, the World Trade Centre had already fallen and the United States was at war with two countries. Over the next decade, the target on the U.S. and its allies would grow bigger and bigger as anti-American

sentiment grew to historic levels.

When the economy collapsed in 2008, many like Strauss saw it as a sign to get ready for the panic and mass hysteria that will likely make Y2K pale in comparison.

With chapter titles like “Mental Health Guidelines for Air Travelers,” “An Argument for Getting into Cars with Strangers,” and “How to Protect Yourself from Inflation, Hackers, and Celine Dion” Strauss lays out his case for suddenly becoming concerned with the state of the world and wanting to be prepared for any apocalyptic scenario that might occur -- with an emphasis on survival.

The animated lessons are especially helpful whether you need

navigate without a compass, escape from a mob, or make a bow and arrow.

There are points when you’ll be tricked into thinking you’re reading a piece of fiction. It’s a page turner, for sure. Strauss is a dynamic character whose adventures throughout America are reminiscent of Kerouac and Mad Max at the same time. He doesn’t pretend to be a prophet; all he is suggesting in Emergency is that the chances of a globally catastrophic event taking place are better than ever, and if the end does come, if you want to live, you’d better fight to survive, and you’d better know how.

ENTERTAINMENT

Left 4 Dead: Video Game Review B

BY DYLAN LALIBERTE

lood? Check. Guts?

Check. Guns? Check.

Ridiculously large hordes of Flesh Eating Zombies of Doom™? Checkarooney. That’s right. I’m talking about Left 4 Dead, one of the best zombie killing rampage games out there.

Left 4 Dead is a co-operative first person shooter released by Valve Corporation on November 18th, 2008. Left 4 Dead is definitely a break from the complexity of most modern video games. It’s controls are easy, it’s very fast paced, a little frightening at times, and it’s incredibly easy to feel like the ultimate badass while your unloading your clip into the faces of hundreds of swarming zombies.

Left 4 Dead starts with 5 campaigns (Others are offered as Downloadable Content), which are meant to be played in order to reveal one epic movie-like storyline. The main characters aren’t delved into too much in-game, as you’re too busy shooting zombies in their stupid faces to pay attention to trivial things like “character development”. Our heroes throughout the game are Francis, the badass that everyone fights over playing as, Bill, the hardened old guy veteran who is a good second choice to Francis, Louis, the kinda sissy guy who complains a lot, and Zoey, the only female and the one that either always screws up and gets them all killed, or the one who

turns out to be the most capable and saves everyone’s asses, it’s sort on the fence.

As well as your regular old “ten shot zombie”, there’s also several “bosses” or “Special Infected” located at randomly generated locations during the campaigns.

The Special Infected include; the Boomer, a giant disgusting bloated zombie that spits zombie attracting “Boomer Bile” on you and explodes when shot; the Hunter, which runs around and jumps like a maniac, pinning the heroes down and making them squeal like little girls; the Smoker, which has a very long tongue that it uses to grab the survivors and drag them to their doom; the Tank, which is a giant muscular zombie that charges people, sends them flying, and them throws giant things like concrete slabs and cars at them; and the Witch, who`s presence is detected by her eerie crying, the Witch is worth being feared, as she can kill very very easily, and runs at you all creepy like.

One of the biggest downsides to the entire Left 4 Dead franchise is that it`s only available on Xbox 360, PC, and Mac. Playstation 3 users are out of luck with this game, which is unfortunate, because this game is definitely a game that you can keep playing as much as you want without getting bored. I mean, who doesn’t love some good old fashioned apocalypse?

Mike Clark Band January 28th

Senior Citizen’s Drop In Centre Peace River 10301-101St Tickets at:

Village Audio Video Unlimited Danburger & Sons Store Ltd.

Be the first to Find the VAULT head on the cover and win a 2-for-1 coupon to River City Cinema!

Email us thevaultmagazine@hotmail.com to tell us where it's hiding!

CRAC K T H E VAULT

theVAULTmagazine

15

SOCIAL COMMENT

WHAT ARE GOVERNMENTS FOR? business and removing so- protecting the ecosystems called regulatory red tape. before they are compromised.

BY DAVID SUZUKI Science Matters Vol. 14, No. 1 3 January 2012

W

hat purpose do governments serve? Some people think we could do without them, but that’s absurd. Even libertarians agree that some kind of police force and legal system are necessary to ensure that individual freedoms and property are protected, especially when conflicts arise over competing freedoms and property rights.

Others argue that the everexpanding economy is our highest priority, and that governments should encourage this unending growth by subsidizing or promoting

At its most basic, a government is there to protect its citizens. That’s more complicated than it seems. What rights do citizens have? Most democratic countries spell those out in their constitutions. Canada’s Constitution, for example, enshrines rights in a range of areas: fundamental, democratic, legal, equality, language, and so on.

Natural functioning ecosystems (let’s just call them “nature”) supply resources that we all depend on to meet our basic needs and to survive. We need nature, including each other, more than anything else. We can’t rely on technological fixes, individual actions, or market systems to protect it. Unfortunately, the negative costs of damaging the environment and the benAs we begin a New Year, it’s efits that nature provides are worth reflecting on how well rarely factored into economic our government has looked equations. after the interests of its citizens, and where we might be In that light, one of governheading. ment’s primary roles is to protect nature. Arguments According to our between the so-called poConstitution’s Charter of litical left and right are often Rights and Freedoms, we are summarized as the difference legally entitled to life, liberty, between wanting more or less and security in Canada. But government. But that misses how can we fulfill that right the point of government. without protecting the necessary preconditions for life: Governments set prioriclean air and water and pro- ties, many of them based on ductive soils to grow food? where they allocate money These all come from and and resources. Successive depend on natural function- governments in Canada have ing ecosystems. We can try promoted the idea that a to clean up water that has strong economy is the most been polluted or grow food important consideration in a lab, but those strategies and that to have prosperity will cost much more than we must put the interests of

corporations above those of We can only take this admincitizens. This is backwards. istration’s word that it will come up with a realistic plan While continuing to spend to cut emissions and fight clitens of billions of dollars on mate change, but the record jet fighters, war ships, and of successive governments campaigns to promote itself so far doesn’t inspire much and the tar sands, Canada’s confidence. government is gutting resources from the programs Let’s get beyond this false diand departments responsible chotomy of economy versus for protecting our environ- environment. If we look at ment, as well as weakening economy as a way to provide policies and laws designed to for the health and well-being conserve nature. of citizens, then it’s there to serve the environment, At the end of 2011, we saw of which we are a part, and our government trying to not the other way around. cajole other countries to pull Environmental protection out of the Kyoto Protocol shouldn’t be seen as a barrier during the climate change to opportunity; it should be talks in Durban, South seen as an essential part of a Africa. When no one went healthy economy. along, Canada became the first country to abandon this It’s up to all of us to ensure legally binding international that the governments we elect agreement. Of course, our to look after our interests procurrent government isn’t the tect nature because we depend only one that has failed to live on it for our very lives. That’s up to the agreement’s require- what they’re for. ments. Kyoto may not have been perfect, but in abandon- Written with contribuing it rather than working to tions from David Suzuki strengthen it, Canada’s lead- Foundation Aquatic ership failed to acknowledge Biologist Jeffery Young. that dealing with climate Learn more at change is essential to protect- www.davidsuzuki.org ing its citizens, and those of the world.

Local musicians Angil Shimoon and Dylan Laliberte delighted partygoers at the New Year’s Eve Bash at Next Legend Studios in Berwyn.

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ALBUM REVIEW HOMESPUN REVIEW: BRIAN WILSON’S SMILE REVIEW BY TERRY CAMPBELL

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h, hello and welcome to the “Homespun Review.” I am a long time lover of music who would rather amble down a dusty or snowy back road listening to my mind musically meander than try and keep up in the fast lane or get lost on the information highway.

I got to put SMILE on the stereo, the recently released box set by the Beach Boys.

The sticker on the shrinkwrap boldly states “The Most Anticipated Album in Rock & Roll History.” Well, I feel that is somewhat over-stated as this is not Rock & Roll for one thing; there are no Chuck Berry inspired guitar riffs, no Jerry Lee Lewis style piano pounding, or driving bass and pulsating drums. No songs about fun in the sun, girls, or hot rods.

In fact, it’s really not the Beach Boys. This is Brian Wilson’s visionary musical concept, which started in 1966 with lyricist Van Dyke Parks while sitting at his grand piano with their feet in the giant sandbox in Brian’s living room.

It was to be an album that would rival the Beatles…“a teenage symphony to God.” Music to make the world smile. Because a smile would save your soul. But as the sessions progressed, Brian regressed. He had been called a genius, but the pressures were just too much on him, and in 1967, the tapes were shelved. The music that was deepest in Brian’s soul stayed there to become a mythical legend.

Many years later at a concert given in honour of Brian, he heard a boys choir from Harlem sing “Our Prayer” and Vince Gill, David Crosby, and Jimmy Webb did “Surf ’s Up.” Brian and his band played “Heroes and Villains.” For the first time, songs from SMILE had been played live.

The music had been freed, and it felt good and it grew. In 2004, Brian, his band, and Van Dyke

Parks toured England and then the world playing SMILE. Now in 2011, 45 years later, we finally have the original music and the sessions restored, meticulously put together through the modern day technology of digital editing.

I must confess, I’m not up on all this high falutin’ technology and computer stuff and can see how Brian Wilson was overwhelmed trying to put together his massive conceptual masterpiece over 40 years ago with the tools that were available at that time—analog tape and a razor blade, 8 track recording, echo chamber; pretty basic stuff along with the heady influence of psychedelic drugs. It has been said “Brian was trying to do digital editing 20 or 30 years before it was invented.”

There were 45 reels from the session dates and 15 or 20 reels just for “Good Vibrations.” Session musicians recorded, and the Beach Boys had contributed their unconquerable 5 part harmonies.

The result is a phenomenal musical montage and at times spiritual, exuberant, ethereal, dramatic, and complex. I heard reminiscences of “Penny Lane,” “Strawberry Fields,” Frank Zappa and Gershwin. There is French horn, cello, fiddles, bells, whistles, tack piano, Hal Blaine’s drums and a multitude more…

Van Dyke Parks’ lyrics are more like poetry you’d hear in a dimlit Beatnik coffeehouse puffin’ on reefers.

May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful, and don’t forget to make some art—write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself.

NEIL GAIMAN

Everyone knows the song “Good Vibrations;” the title of the song came from Brian’s mother. She said, “Dogs bark at humans because they think of good vibrations, they pick up on bad vibrations, but don’t mind picking up good vibrations.”

Yes, SMILE is full of good vibrations and bonus tracks. There are intriguing and insightful moments, but do we really need 6 different tracks and outtakes of “Heroes and Villains”?

Try it out; it feels good to SMILE! CRACK T H E VAULT

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this is a revolution it is the new peace region be a part of it!

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Oddities

Compiled by Mary Warren

TAXIDERMIST CREATES FREAKS OF NATURE

A man was arrested for importing animal parts of endangered species to create some rather unusual taxidermy creatures. His animal sculptures are striking and bizarre, ranging from a squirrel crab hybrid to a goat’s body with dual swan heads.

The artist could spend up to 5 years in jail and be forced to pay $250,000 in fines for his illegal importation of rare and exotic animal parts.

GUINNESS CROWNS SHORTEST WOMAN In December 2011, Guinness World Records recognized a high school student in India as the shortest person alive. She is a mere 24.7 inches tall (just over 2 feet) which is shorter than the average 2 year old. Despite her small stature, she has large dreams of one day becoming a Hollywood actress.

The shortest woman known in history is Pauline Musters who was only 24 inches tall and lived in the Netherlands from 1876-1895.

WOMAN FINDS LOST PEN...IN THROAT? Twenty-five years ago a British woman was investigating her tonsils with a pen. While doing so she lost her balance, slipped, and accidentally swallowed the pen. Her tales were dismissed and she eventually forgot about the incident only to recall it at the age of 76 when she was referred for urgent investigation due to dramatic weight loss. The pen had finally been discovered and although it had never affected the woman it was promptly removed and found to still be working!

The woman’s symptoms also mysteriously disappeared and she is in good condition.

CHECK OUT OUR BLOG FOR NEXT WEEK’S HOROSCOPE WWW.THEVAULTMAGAZINE.TUMBLR.COM

FREE WILL ASTROLOGY HOMEWORK:

FOR THE WEEK OF JAN 5 - JAN 11

by Rob Brezsny © Copyright 2011

Send me a list of your top five New Year’s resolutions. Go to RealAstrology.com and click on “Email Rob.”

ARIES (March 21-April 19): “It is surely a great calamity for a human being to have no obsessions,” said poet Robert Bly. That’s why he decided to learn to love his obsessions. I urge you to keep his approach in mind throughout the coming months, Aries. You are likely to thrive to the degree that you precisely identify and vigorously harness your obsessions. Please note I’m not saying you should allow your obsessions to possess you like demons and toss you around like a rag doll. I’m not advising you to fall down in front of your obsessions and worship them like idols. Be wildly grateful for them; love them with your fiery heart fully unfurled; but keep them under the control of your fine mind.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): “Everyone is a genius, but if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree it will spend its whole life believing it is stupid.” Rumor has it that this pithy observation was uttered by Albert Einstein.

I bring it to your attention, Taurus, because you’ll be smart to keep it in mind throughout 2012. According to my astrological analysis, you will have an excellent opportunity to identify and hone and express your specific brilliance. So it is crucial that you eliminate any tendency you might have to see yourself as being like a fish whose job it is to climb a tree.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): In his book Priceless: How I Went Undercover to Rescue the World’s Stolen Treasures, former FBI agent Robert K. Wittman tells the story of the world’s second largest crystal ball. Worth $350,000 and once belonging to the Chinese Dowager Empress, it was stolen from a museum. Wittman never located the actual robber, but years later he tracked down the crystal ball to a person who had acquired it quite innocently and by accident. She was a young witch in New Jersey who, unaware of its origins or value, kept it on her bedroom dresser with a baseball cap on top of it.

I suspect you may have a comparable adventure in the coming months, Gemini. If you look hard and keep an open mind, you will eventually recover lost riches or a disappeared prize in the least likely of places.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): It’s impossible for the human body to run a mile in less than four minutes -- at least that’s what the conventional wisdom used to say. And indeed, no one in history ever broke that barrier until May 6, 1954, when Roger Bannister raced a mile in three minutes, 59.4 seconds. Since then, lots of athletes have done it and the record has been lowered by another 17 seconds. In fact, the sub-four-minute mile is now regarded as a standard accomplishment for middle-distance runners. I suspect that in 2012 you will accomplish your own version of Bannister’s feat -- a breakthrough that once seemed crazy difficult or beyond your capacity.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Back in 1958, 17-year-old Bob Heft created a 50-star American flag for a high school project. Hawaii and Alaska were being considered for U.S. statehood at that time, and a new design was needed to replace the old 48-star flag. Heft’s teacher originally gave him a grade of B- for his work. But when his model was later selected to be the actual American flag, the teacher raised his grade to an A. I suspect that a similar progression is in store for you in the coming year, Leo. Some work you did that never received proper credit will finally be accorded the value it deserves.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Greek philosopher Plato suggested that we may become more receptive to spiritual beauty by putting ourselves in the presence of physical beauty. The stimulation we get when inspired by what looks good may help train us to recognize sublime truths. I’m not so sure about that. In my experience, people often get so entranced by their emotional and bodily responses to attractive sights and sounds that they neglect to search for higher, subtler sources of splendor. But I do believe you may be an exception to this tendency in the coming months. That’s why I’m

giving you the go-ahead -- indeed, the mandate -- to surround yourself with physical beauty.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Before he died in 1902, Libran cartoonist Thomas Nast left a potent legacy.

Among his enduring creations were the modern image of Santa Claus, the iconic donkey for America’s Democratic Party, and the elephant for the Republican Party. I’m guessing that 2012 is going to be a Thomas Nast kind of year for you Librans. The work you do and the ripples you set in motion are likely to last a long time. So I suggest you choose the influences you unleash with great care and integrity.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): “If you’re in a good relationship, chances are you’re bored out of your mind,” spouts comedian Chris Rock in his show Never Scared.

“All good relationships are boring. The only exciting relationships are bad ones. You never know what’s going to happen tomorrow when you’re in a bad relationship.

You never know when they’re gonna walk through the door and say, ‘Hey, you gave me crabs.’ That’s exciting!”

Rock is making a satirical overstatement, but it does contain grains of truth. Which is why, in accordance with the astrological omens, I deliver the following request to you: In 2012, cultivate stable relationships that are boring in all the best ways.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Once every decade or so, you’re asked to make a special point of practicing forgiveness and atonement. According to my reading of the astrological omens, that time will be the next few months. I think it’ll be quite important for you to cleanse the grungy build-up of regrets and remorse from your psyche. Ready to get started? Compose a list of the sins you could expiate, the karmic debts you can repay, and the redemptions you should initiate. I suggest you make it into a fun, creative project that you will thoroughly enjoy.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Happiness isn’t a state you acquire by luck. It takes hard work and relentless concentration. You have to rise up and rebel against the nonstop flood of trivial chaos and meaningless events you’re invited to wallow in. You have to overcome the hard-core cultural conditioning that tempts you to assume that suffering is normal and the world is a hostile place. It’s really quite unnatural to train yourself to be peaceful and mindful; it’s essentially a great rebellion against an unacknowledged taboo. Here’s the good news: 2012 will be an excellent time for you to do this work.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): More and more musicians and authors are choosing to self-publish. That way they retain the full rights to their creative work, keeping it from being controlled and potentially misused by a record label or publishing company. One example is singer-songwriter Terri Hendrix, who owns all 14 of her master recordings. She lives by the motto, “Own Your Own Universe.” I urge you to adopt her approach in 2012, Aquarius. The coming months will be prime time for you to do all you can to take full possession of everything you need to become what you want to be.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): The coming months will be a time when you’ll thrive by seeking out novel ideas, using new words, and regarding your imagination as an organ that’s as important to feed as your stomach. In that spirit, I’m offering you a slew of freshly made-up terms that’ll help tease your brain in ways that are in alignment with the upcoming astrological factors. They all come from the very NSFW dictionary at http:// tinyurl.com/Dixtionary. 1. Assymectricity: energy generated by lopsidedness. 2. Enigmagnetic: a person who attracts mysteries. 3. Indumbnitable: incapable of being dumbed down. 4. Beneviolent: helpful chaos.

5. Fauxbia: a fake fear. 6. Craptometry: ability to see through all the BS. 7. Adoregasm: when you treasure someone to the point of ecstasy.

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RANTS & RAVES theVAULTmagazine Staff Rants & Raves DYLAN I’ve been playing guitar for about eight years. I’ve had my ups and downs, my good days and bad days, my annoyances and triumphs. Eight years down the road, I still love it, and have only just opened to door to my potential. But, for the love of god, people, PLEASE STOP MESSING WITH MY STRINGS, TWISTING MY TUNING PEGS, AND PRESSING DOWN ON FRETS WHEN I’M PLAYING MY DAMN GUITAR! AGGGGHHHHH! It’s plagued me from day one, and every time someone does any number of those things, I want to kick them right in the balls and/or box. I mean seriously, could you be any more annoying? Could you be any more invasive?

And it’s not just guitar. It’s bass. It’s piano. I mean come on. You’re just crapping it up. You jerks. Oh, what’s that? You wish you could play guitar?

That’s nice. Doesn’t mean you have to make me sound like I don’t know how either, you clueless bastards. Oh hey, it’s just me, trying to play some “Heart and Soul” on piano. What’s that? You think it’s a good idea to come over and press as many keys on the piano at one time as you can, while I’m playing beautiful music? I don’t. And now I hate you. Good day.

MARY I’ve been waiting five years for a game. Said game was rumored to be even more legendary than Ocarina of Time. Well, guess what? I want my time back!

The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword may be a technological advance but there are so many annoying useless components that I have a hard time enjoying it. For a game rumored to be so great, you would hope it wouldn’t be so predictable and hopelessly dull.

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The beginning is slow, deathly slow and the worst part is you can’t skip the dialogue. I already know I probably won’t play this game very often after completion which is another sign of its blatant failure.

I have played OoT countless times, and it was always more than simple nostalgia. If any Zelda game comes close to OoT it would be Majora’s Mask which did not take a whopping 5 years to create!

That is not to say Skyward Sword has no merits, but to get my hopes up labelling it as the best since Ocarina of Time and even better… leaves me flabbergasted and flustered. No, it’s not due to nostalgia. It’s due to OoT taking great beginnings and defining the series, setting a standard.

Technology alone cannot beat out OoT. Happy 25th anniversary Zelda, it’s been 25 years so I guess I can forgive you, just this once.

TORMAIGH LOL. No, you’re not. Not that often.

You’re usually not even smiling I’ll bet. Seriously, have you ever read some of these posts out loud?

“In the store today looking at cook wear—laughing out loud.”

“Did you find a set of knives like you wanted—laughing out loud?”

“No, I was at the wrong store for that—laughing out loud.”

Then I come along and write, “What the f*ck is going on! Why are you crazy b*tches laughing out loud about any of this?”

When I’m in front of the computer communicating with someone and I actually do “laugh out loud,” something that happens rarely, I make a real note of it. “Holy sh*t dude. I am sitting here alone in the room

JANU ARY 6, 20 12

Did something piss you off or make your day?

Email us your rant or rave to thevaultmagazine@hotmail.com laughing like a freaking lunatic.

WTF.” LMAO, or LMFAO, is the other one.

When I read this in a post, I think, “Really? That did it? That made for ‘laugh your ass off?’ Wow. You’re easy.

I guess people like you are the reason Larry the Cable Guy is successful.”

Wake up. You’re lying to yourself if you think it’s that funny.

Here’s a rhetorical question—what’s the point of saying anything if you don’t actually mean it? There’s too much mindless fluff out there, and it is the bane of my online existence.

JENELLE The holidays are a busy time for shoppers and retail employees alike.

Just because things are a tad haywire does not give either party an allowance to act like total jerks. You know who you are.

It is no secret, and certainly not my grievance alone, that the Peace Region is lacking in the customer

service department. Add some holiday stress and a retail experience could be downright unbearable.

Shoppers aren’t entirely blameless in this situation either. I have stood behind people in line who were absolutely abusive to clerks. Dude, this person is just running a till. They do not run every aspect of the store.

Honestly, everyone in line thinks you’re an asshole.

So for my soap-box moment, I’d like to congratulate and thank all of those shoppers and shop-keeps who kept a cool head and a calm demeanor when dealing with hotheads who couldn’t keep their sh*t together.

I commend you. Let’s keep it up.

And to you rude people: it’s not too late to make a change. Smile every once and a while, hold a door open for someone and for god’s sake there is absolutely no reason to be abusive to another person. Get over yourself.

The End.

•

SEX COLUMN Help! My boyfriend of about a year is asking me to try some new kinks that I’m not so sure about. He wants me to lock up his penis in a little cage. I’ve never heard of this. Is this a common fantasy for guys? He claims it is. Is it healthy? I just don’t know if I can do it!! I’ve asked this question to another therapist and all she said was “He’s into BSDM.” My bf says it’s not BSDM and he doesn’t like whips or stuff like that. Any advice or help would be appreciated.

S

cientists have very little data on kinks or nonvanilla/non-mainstream kinds of things that people do sexually, particularly how common or uncommon such kinks are in the US. A lack of data doesn’t mean that a particular type of sex play is bad or wrong or unhealthy – after all, it was only several decades ago when Dr. Alfred Kinsey collected the first largescale data on how many people engaged in vaginal intercourse, anal sex, and oral sex. And it was only a few years ago that the US Supreme Court struck down sodomy laws.

It was also only a few years ago (2008) that our research team at the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana

University conducted a nationally representative study of vibrator use among men and women. We found that 53% of women and nearly half of men had used a vibrator (most men had used a vibrator with a female partner but close to 1 in 5 had used one by themselves).

Now, vibrator use is pretty mainstream. Vibrating condom rings are available in many drug stores and women regularly host in-home sex toy parties in their homes and dorms and yet it was only 3 years ago that a study like that was conducted.

I suspect that locking one’s penis in a cage (also called a “male chastity belt” though there are different types) is not a common fantasy among men – even though I have no data to

back up this assumption (but it’s an educated guess given the thousands of men and women I’ve spoken with about their sex lives, and my familiarity with the sex toy industry). In fact, I would venture to guess that most men may not even know that penis cages/male chastity belts exist or would know what to do with one, let alone how to use one safely or talk about them with their partners.

That said, even if only 1% of men are into penis cages, that’s still a lot of men in the US alone who are into locking their penis in a cage and, as is often the case, giving the key to the lock to their sexual partner.

(The partner than often gets to decide when to let his penis out, perhaps based on what he’s done or how “good” he’s been or whatever else the couple decides to do with their sex play).

Given the power dynamics in this kind of play, many people would lump penis cage play into BDSM play (BDSM stands for bondage & discipline, dominance & submission, and

sadomasochism).

However, there’s no strict list of what is and isn’t considered BDSM so if your boyfriend doesn’t consider it BDSM, then it’s not BDSM to him. It doesn’t matter whether he or your therapist is “right” or “wrong” about whether cage play is BDSM. What matters is how you talk about it and what you learn about one another.

Your boyfriend was brave and sex-positive to share his desire for cage play with you.

You’re demonstrating openmindedness by learning more about it and you’re showing care for yourself by exploring your own boundaries.

You two might benefit from conversations that include questions like: “How would you see us using the penis cage together?” and “In what ways do you feel that cage play is different from BDSM, for you?”

You might want to ask him how long he’d want to be locked in the cage and what your plan is for safer sex play (is there a duplicate key? If the lock doesn’t unlock, is he comfortable going

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to the emergency room for help?

If you get halfway into it and then decide it’s not for you, can he feel okay about stopping?).

You might also want to express your reservations and consider whether there are ways that you could be comfortable with cage play.

There is nothing wrong or unhealthy about this kind of sex play as long as you are both comfortable with the idea and not doing it in a way that causes pain, bruising or damage to his penis. If you end up being open to give it a try for him, great.

If not, I hope you two can find other pleasurable ways to explore together.

Dr. Debby Herbenick is a sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute, a research scientist at Indiana University and author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction, The I Love You More Book, and Read My Lips: A Complete Guide to the Vagina and Vulva. Find our blog, sex information and archived Q&A at www.KinseyConfidential.org.

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Jonesin’ Crossword

LAST ISSUE’S SOLUTIONS Matt Jones (editor@jonesincrosswords.com)

“The Worst of 2011”--it’s year-end , my friend.

SUDOKU

Down 1 Pilgrim to Mecca 2 “Woe be unto me!”

3 Excellent 4 1997 David Sedaris book 5 Simile center 6 Guns, in old slang 7 ___ d’art 8 Company with a green mascot 9 Course for immigrants: abbr.

10 Abbr. on a business card 11 Gymnastics event in the Olympics 12 Seoul’s location 13 How hair may stand 18 Supermodel Campbell 22 It may be empty 24 Crazy Horse’s group of Sioux 26 Org. for an admiral 27 Word with a common origin 28 Athlete’s knee injury site, often 29 Take third place 30 Secretly is conspiring against 32 Michael of “Arrested Development” 35 Approve something again on Facebook 36 Late comedian Kinison 37 Helper, for short 38 Cinematographer Nykvist 42 Rowing machine unit 44 “Was ___ das?”

45 Actor Ethan 49 Wax removers 50 Milquetoast 51 Medium where addresses include “@” 52 Rizzo of “Midnight Cowboy” 54 Grain holders 57 Take some tabacky 59 Chums 60 Section 61 Count (on) 63 Laundry detergent brand 64 Before, to poets 65 Reuben bread ©2011 Jonesin’ Crosswords

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**There are actually 11 if you have a keen eye**

68 Sing from the mountaintops 69 Neighbor of Isr. 70 Underneath 71 Persuasive piece

Can you spot the 10 Differences?

Across 1 ___-Barbera cartoons 6 Thesaurus guy 11 Fight determination 14 Another name for a person 15 With a BMI over 30 16 Burgundy played by Will Ferrell 17 Adam Sandler cringefest that topped many “Worst Movie of 2011” lists 19 “Who ___ you kidding?”

20 “Very interesting...”

21 “Hey, wait ___!”

22 U.S. Treasury agents 23 Scrappy-___ (crime-fighting pup) 25 HP tablet released in July 2011, then discontinued six weeks later (then revived later in the year!)

28 Leftover in a tray 31 Yukon manufacturer 33 Cote d’Ivoire’s prime minister Guillaume ___ (hidden in WINDSOR, ONTARIO) 34 Metacritic’s lowest-rated Fall 2011 TV show 39 “Nice haircut...did you ___ bet?”

40 Dorm leaders 41 Artless 43 His “Seeking Major Tom” made Pitchfork’s “Worst Album Covers of 2011” list 46 Kettle Brand’s line of corn chips 47 Skin art, slangily 48 Chang’s Siamese twin 49 Doomed Netflix offshoot on CNET’s “20 Worst-Named Tech Products” 53 “The Darjeeling Limited” director Anderson 55 Fork point 56 Brand of big rig 58 Steel beam named for the letter it resembles 62 Dominique Strauss-Kahn’s former org.

63 Tackle box item turned hair accessory that was one of Yahoo!’s “Worst Trends of 2011” 66 Health care assn.

67 Come up

To Play: Complete the grid so that every row, column and every 3x3 box contains the digits 1 to 9. There is no guessing or math involved, just use logic to solve.

.PUZZLES & HUMOUR Recent Tweets

Obscure Wizardry

by Jason Hewitt

Look for Issue 8 on Jan. 20, 2012

theVAULTmagazine comes out every two weeks...

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