A WARRIOR's JOURNEY Purpose In The Pain...
CONTENTS 01
WHAT WAS HER NAME?
13
Years later the firefighter who saved my daughters lives asked me, "what was the name of your daughter who I could not save?"
07
CHECK ENGINE LIGHTS What do you do when the check engine lights come on? Living beyond the stigma.
CRUDE HUMOR, SAY WHAT? What the experts have to say about crude humor.
17
THE BIGGEST LIE ABOUT PTSD Inspiration from Author and speaker Jennifer TracyInspire about life on the other side of PTSD.
What Was Her Name? My heart remains very heavy today. Yesterday, our cities, state, and country recognized a fallen officer from the Adams County Sheriff’s department. It was reported across social media, televised on major networks, and appeared in many newspapers. Many of us watched and paid our respects, thoughts, and prayers to those closest to him... On all accounts, he was a hero. He chose to act heroically each and every day, and ultimately he died because of that commitment.
And yet... many of you may not know that in our state not very far away from Adams County, there is a devastated family, mourning the loss of a firefighter who took his own life last week. Yesterday, as I watched our fallen officer be honored, a war raged inside of me. I kept thinking to myself ... how incredibly sad that this firefighter received no heroic recognition of how he risked his life for others. There was no acknowledgment of how he lived; instead, a quiet goodbye on how he died. I can only imagine the shame, guilt, pain, confusion, and anger that is confronting the family. I know nothing of the firefighter that chose to end his life last week... but make no mistake… he was a hero... #unknownheroes AND ...though not mentioned in any newspaper or television station, a war Vet somewhere else took her own life and none of you know that hero’s name. #unknownheroes This raises the question: what makes someone a hero? Is it how they die? Or is it how they choose to live their lives? Or perhaps, it is both? As you read this, you might question why I consider a firefighter a hero despite the fact that he took his own life. You may even be wondering who I am.
copyrights 2019 Jennifer Tracy-Inspire www.jennifertracy-inspire.com
AUGUST 11TH 2004 • FORT LUPTON, CO
DAYS THAT CHANGE EVERYTHING On August 11th, 2004, this world lost two precious lives. I lost my husband and my twin daughter that day, but so often overlooked were all the heroes that were on the scene and behind the scenes to save my other two daughters. My friends ... last year, I had the distinct honor of meeting one of the firefighters that saved my surviving daughters Amber and McKayla’s lives. It was a meeting that took me by utter surprise, and one I still struggle to talk about without breaking down.
A Fort Collins teacher was telling his neighbor about my Dare You To Move program, and describing the story behind it. For some reason, the firefighter was interested in knowing where and when the accident occurred. After talking a bit, he realized that he was one of the firefighters responding to my family’s crash that day. The teacher quickly realized how this was all connected, and reached back out to me to see if I wanted to meet the hero that saved McKayla and Amber's lives 13 years ago. Quite honestly, I was nowhere near prepared for that meeting.
copyrights 2019 Jennifer Tracy-Inspire www.jennifertracy-inspire.com
When a hero needs saving! As the war raged inside me yesterday, I kept thinking what if this firefighter was the one who showed up on my family's crash scene almost 13 years ago and those memories haunted him to the point that he felt he could no longer go on? Every person who commits suicide has their reason, and I will always refrain from judging. I just wish I could infuse hope in them that with some help, it can get better. If you think I can’t relate to their struggle then you don’t know me or my entire story. I've worked very hard to be the woman I am after being diagnosed with PTSD in 2005.
There are so many actions that can bring about healthy change. I know it’s not a simple fix... but I will continue to fight to be a part of the solution. This is why I wrote Inside “The Mind” of Suicide, and this is why I created my Call For Back-Up program. I hope I inspire YOU to never, ever, give up! Life is hard, unfair, cold, and downright scary at times... and yet it’s beautiful, mysterious and full of wonder.
I can only imagine the memories of the firefighters, police, dispatch, and nurses that saved my daughter's lives must struggle with on a daily basis. Not to mention the lives they couldn’t save that day. .. my husband Brian and daughter Brittany. As a society, we often shy away from talking about what scares us the most; the darkness that we all face and fight at times. No one wants to talk about suicide, depression, or anxiety... it’s not glorious...but it’s necessary. Even for me, it’s not easy but DAMM it... we are talking about lives here. Children growing up without parents and parents that must bury their children. Lives that if we weren’t so prideful and afraid to talk about suicide we might have saved. copyrights 2019 Jennifer Tracy-Inspire www.jennifertracy-inspire.com
Anyone who knows me is well aware that I like to talk and openly share my feelings. Yet, on this day, I was speechless when the firefighter asked me: “Can I ask you, what was her name? What was the name of your daughter I couldn’t save? For thirteen years I’ve always wondered?” Trying to maintain my composure I replied, her name is Brittany... Brittany Anne. As I said, I still struggle to talk about this. I haven’t talked to the firefighter since that day and honestly, I’m not sure I could keep myself together enough to do it again. I share my story today because it saddens me that many of our heroes and our First Responders see and have experiences that most of society will never comprehend. These images have the power to change you and so many continue to suffer silently with the memories and guilt that haunts them. These heroes learn quickly to put their memories in a neat compartmentalized box as if it’s part of the job. And though their bodies may express all the warning signs that they need help, these men and women push on. Resilience yes, but without proper care, this response can be deadly. I know, I’ve been there myself, and not just once but multiple times. And last week, though I don’t know the firefighter that took his life, we must recognize all of these unknown heroes who are so often laid to rest without most of us even knowing their names! This breaks my heart and only fuels my passion to continue to fight to save lives.
copyrights 2019 Jennifer Tracy-Inspire www.jennifertracy-inspire.com
The courage to save yourself? If you work in a profession that saves lives, I share these two simple reminders with you today. First, so often we get caught up in a position, title, or rank. But at the end of the day, I can tell you that when the men and women showed up on my family’s crash scene neither of my surviving daughters cared if the firefighters, EMT, or officers were a Captain, Lieutenant, Deputy, or Chief.... they only know them as lifesavers. Second, in the pursuit of saving lives, don’t forget to save your own! I’m incredibly thankful for all of my friends, family and the professionals that didn’t judge me in the darkness. In so many ways you all saved my life when I couldn’t see the light. I don’t take such actions lightly; I am truly grateful that on my journey I found help. To those of you still reading this, thank you! Thank you for all the ways you have positively impacted our communities. To all of the loved ones at home that lovingly support our First Responders, and those in Emergency Services, thank you!
copyrights 2019 Jennifer Tracy-Inspire www.jennifertracy-inspire.com
IN THE
PURSUIT OF SAVING LIVES... DON'T FORGET TO SAVE YOUR OWN! www.callforback-up.com
PAGE 87
THE CHECK ENGINE LIGHT #NOJUDGEMENTZONE #SHAMESTOPSHERE #TIMEFORATUNEUP #CHECKENGINELIGHTS Can I ask you something? If we were driving together today in your vehicle and the check engine light came on, would you feel any fear or shame about taking it in to get it fixed or looked at? In chapter 11 of my book, I talk about the analogy of the check engine lights. copyrights 2019 Jennifer Tracy-Inspire www.jennifertracy-inspire.com
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN THE CHECK ENGINE LIGHT COMES ON? #CheckEngineLights
Copyrights 2019 Jennifer Tracy-Inspire www.jennifertracy-inspire.com
RUN DIAGNOSTICS Copyrights 2019 Jennifer Tracy-Inspire www.jennifertracy-inspire.com
MINOR-
CHANGING TIRES Don't let the minor things became major.
Left untreated, these things can lead to a total breakdown. If you are having thoughts of suicide it is time to get yourself in and run some diagnostic tests, just like you would with your vehicle. Things like insomnia, anxiety, or irritability may seem minor. copyrights 2019 Jennifer Tracy-Inspire www.jennifertracy-inspire.com
MAJOR-
I battled suicidal thoughts for two years AND THEN my husband and daughter were killed. Getting help is not a sign of weakness. In fact, learning to advocate for yourself is empowering and a sign of deep resilience.
A TOTAL BREAKDOWN Don't wait- if the check engine light is on. It's time to take a look at things. Call For Back-Up!!
copyrights 2019 Jennifer Tracy-Inspire www.jennifertracy-inspire.com
W H A T T O D O W I T H T H E S H I T T Y D A Y S ?
Crude Humor? Copyrights 2019 Jennifer Tracy-Inspire www.jennifertracy-inspire.com
What the experts are saying... According to author Nichole Force, M.A, gallows humor often is viewed as an expression of resilience and hope that has the power to soothe suffering. I found the article that she wrote very interesting, she calls "crude humor" gallows humor. None the less it was a good read if you like reading. You can view the entire article here. (https://psychcentral.com/lib/humor-as-weapon-shield-andpsychological-salve/) For many years I struggled with using crude humor as a coping mechanism. Often, the circle of friends that I hung out with didn't understand trauma or crude humor. I've learned, it's really important to surround yourself with positive people that support you. I've also learned that I tend to only share me crude humor side with those that appreciate the journey through grief and trauma.
If you like crude humor, here is some funny shit I found on the internet. I went digging for some things that you might find funny... I found this on www.policeone.com. The crazy thing is, we know this shit is true. Enjoy! 1. "Well...I don't know when I'll be home. We found a headless guy in a freezer!" SUSAN W. 2. "Sorry, late because I had to get a cavity search warrant for this druggie’s crotch..... She shoved her heroin up it. Can you please also pick up a Starbucks gift card for the ER DR? She says I owe her." MELISSA S. 3. "Can't talk I'm being shot at!" CHERYLANN P. 4. "Can't talk right now, I am picking up a hooker." CHRISTA H. 5. “Almost arrested a chick for being nekkid from the waist down, until she turned around and I could see her thong from the back, but her stomach had it covered from the front. Ew." MELISSA LITTLES 6. “You might want to go to your mom's for the weekend. Took two showers, burned the uniform, but you can still smell the guy that exploded on me today.” TERRI C. 7. “Hey. I'll be home in 5... Had a gross call. Can you get the 'dead-guy juice' off my boots before I go back tonight?” BETH A 8. “Gotta go, I just got done tasing a girl in the nipple.” ANGIE C. 9. “We will not have turkey basters in our house anymore. I just held one in my hand, questioning a guy as to what the hell he was doing with it in his car at the park. It was full of lube… No more turkey basters.” MINDY F. 10. "You need to call your grandmother. I just found your uncle, dead, naked, and about to explode." BROOKE L. 11. "I'm going to make a show called 'Too Stupid' (like Animal Planet's 'Too Cute'). It's about the people you meet when you're trying to direct traffic." DANIELLE D. 12. “I’m going to be late, there's a naked crackhead on a roof.” ERICA P. 13. “Going to be late, this lady had her baby on the sidewalk.” KIMBERLY O. 14. “Meet me at the hospital. A crackhead bit me on the arm trying to get my weapon after I emptied a can of OC spray on him.” KERRY L.
Copyrights 2019 Jennifer Tracy-Inspire www.jennifertracy-inspire.com 1. "Well...I don't know when I'll be home. We found a headless guy in a freezer!"SUSAN W.
15. "Naked guy jumping tree to tree, says he's Tarzan and he can't touch the ground. Waiting on fire to get here with ladder. Pray I don't have to retrieve him." ASHLEY N. 16. “Hey Babe it's going to be a long night! I just tackled a guy on a chicken coup! It didn't end well for him. Luckily no chickens were harmed in this apprehension!” MELISSA R. 17. “If you see me on the news, I'm ok. Just busted up a meth lab... Oh btw, on my way to the hospital to be decontaminated.” CHRISTY O. 18. "Honey...I'm coming home to change uniforms cause I just left the scene of a murder/suicide where the bodies have been in the house for 2 mos in the middle of May!" Oh and btw...2 cups of vinegar to 2 cups of water/detergent will get the stank out of the uniforms. Please and thank you!" KRISTIE S. 19. “Train wreck. We were looking for body parts. I was holding an arm and so was another EMT girl. We walked by each other and gave a high-five with the dead persons’ hands. I know, I’m sick and twisted.” ANGIE C. 20. “Might be late getting off tonight. We got a burglary call. Some dude keeps calling in saying he hears someone breaking...been out there 3 times tonight and now he is running around with a shot gun, screaming about monkeys breaking in his house. He wants us to lure them down with bananas.” PATTY A 21. “Guy put a shotgun under his chin and pulled the trigger, and the guy’s brain is on the other side of the room fully intact! It's fully intact!!!" BECKY B. 22. "My first death scene...dude blew his head off in his jeep! I'm looking at his moustache and nose stuck to the visor."JEN W. 23. “I’m going to be late. I have a naked man in the middle of the street with a broken ankle. He jumped in the back of an elderly couple's truck and is humping the back window with them sitting inside.” TAIRA S. 24. “Just left a complaint call at an apartment complex. A man answered the door dressed in only a bathrobe. During our conversation with him the man proceeded to shit all over the floor. I had to walk outside I was laughing so hard.” GINA W. 25. “I’m going to be late, I just hit a cow.” JESSICA H. 26. “Hey babe...gonna be a while have to go talk to a guy who is approaching random men and offers to pay them to help paint his house....wait for it....but the catch is they have to masturbate with him while they do it.” CARRIE R. 27. “Just tackled 'Donald Duck’ who was showing "his excitement" to the customers eating dinner through a window. He took off running then slid through gravel and mulch face first.” ASHLEY P. 28. “Dude is pulled over for dui and as he's handcuffed (in front), he says to me, 'watch this'...puts his finger in his mouth and bites it off!!! KRISTIE S. 29. "Hey babe, gonna be a little late...chasing Jesus, nekkid, on the cross, down the railroad tracks" CARRIE R. 30. "Honey, can't talk to you right now, I'm holding onto a guy on the roof who's threatening to jump...and by the way, my phone ringing scared the $&@! out of him and he almost fell to his death!" KRISTIE S. 31. “Gotta run. I have a drunk riding a horse through the drive through at Taco Bell.” CHRISTINA H. Copyrights 2019 Jennifer Tracy-Inspire www.jennifertracy-inspire.com
THE BIGGEST LIE ABOUT PTSD IS THAT YOU MUST SETTLE FOR NOT TRULY LIVING ~Jennifer Tracy Copyrights 2019 Jennifer Tracy-Inspire www.jennifertracy-inspire.com
RAISE YOUR VOICE
ON MY JOURNEY THROUGH LIFE, SADLY I HAVE BEEN the VICTIM OF SO MANY THINGS. ONE OF THE GREATEST THINGS I HAVE REALIZED IS THAT I HAVE A CHOICE IN WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH THAT. INSTEAD OF PLAYING THE VICTIM CARD, I LIKE TO RAISE MY VOICE AND USE THE POWER I HAVE IN THAT INSTEAD.
~Jennifer Tracy Copyrights 2019 Jennifer Tracy-Inspire www.jennifertracy-inspire.com
Questions & Answers AS A VICTIM, I HAVE BEEN ASKED, "JENNIFER WHAT'S THE BEST WAY TO TREAT THE VICTIMS THAT WE COME INTO CONTACT WITH?" I was first asked this question when I was working with a group of State Troopers. As I stood there taking them through my Call For BackUp Program, talking about my personal experience with PTSD, suicide, EMDR, and such, it hadn't occurred to me that they still saw me as a victim. Personally, I don't like playing the victim card. Yet, as I stood there on this day, I flashed back to the moment that the officers knocked on the door to tell me my husband and daughter were dead and my other two daughters were at Children's Hospital. I began to think, what did the officers do? Did they hug me, touch my shoulder or stand far away as I lay there on the flying crying hysterically? The answer is, I don't really remember what they did. I know they stood close by and would not leave until I had a safe ride down to the hospital. But, did they hug me or touch my shoulder or hand? That was what these officers were asking me this day. What is the proper response when you find yourself dealing with victims or individuals that have just found themselves in a lifealtering situation? Here is how I answered that question. YOU ASK them?
In today's day, you never know whether you should offer to hug someone and risk being sued or if you should stand far off as if you have no feelings at all and come across as cold. So, the next time you find yourself in a situation where you don't know what to do, ASK! Back to the day I was working with the State Troopers who had just lost one of their own... I said, can I show you how I would handle this? He said, "yes, please." I walked up to him and said, Joe, I can see that what you are going through is very tough. Would it be ok if I put my hand on your shoulder? Asking a victim or individual what they need at that moment is the best that you can do. Some people will reply in anger, or a no thanks I'm ok, but some will greatly appreciate that hand on the shoulder or a hug. Honestly, this is a great technique to use with your spouse, child, or friend.
What would you add to this list?
#lifeontheotherside Our burning passion is to save lives and help others find life on the other side of what they are facing. No one should face that alone. Remember, if the check engine light is on, it might be time for a tuneup. No shame, no fear or judgment.
#unknownheroes
Lets Connect
If a Hero you know or love died without recognition, we would like to honor them and you. Please reach out to us and share their name and story. With your permission, we will add them to our #unknownheroes Magazine.
Jennifer Tracy Speaker | Author | Advocate
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