11
SIGN OF THE TIMES:
JERK THIS
MAY HOROSCOPES
words by Meredith Clark | illustrations by Jordan Schechter
GEMINI
Spring has sprung, Taurus! As the cherry blossoms blossom, it’s time for you to become one with nature. You’re one of the more grounded signs, Taurus, so this month, connect with people who radiate the same peaceful energy and keep your distance from those who don’t (we’re looking at you, Leo).
You’ve been binge-watching The Circle on Netflix and now you’re hyperaware of human existence, Gemini. Almost every interaction you’ve had with a person has been followed by a #GirlGang or #MoreThan50Shades, and there’s nothing worse than hashtagging IRL. All this strategy and social science has you asking yourself, “Am I the catfish?”
CANCER
LEO
VIRGO
Hey, bestie! We’re just checking in to see how you’re doing. You’ve been holed up in your room for two weeks now, and there’s nothing wrong with that! But before you do anything else, we just want you to do a bedroom cup check real quick. Two water bottles, a McDonald’s iced coffee, and a halfempty bottle of Blue Moon? Throw those out, baby.
You’re experiencing a god complex right now, Leo, and it may be because you got the limited edition Johnson & Johnson vaccine. We get it, you’re built different. But that doesn’t mean you have to go around bragging about it! Anyways, we all know that hot girlies get Pfizer, Moderna is indie, and J&J is for...everyone else.
This month, Virgo, you’ve regressed to your middle school self and it might have something to do with the release of Fearless (Taylor’s Version). Yes, it has everyone in their feels, but now you’re staring out of every window pretending it’s a music video and picking fights with your serious, long-term partner just for the drama!
LIBRA
SCORPIO
SAGITTARIUS
It’s almost hot girl summer, Scorpio, and what better way to celebrate it than being double-vaxxed up! It’s time for you to get back to your days of green tea shots and bumming cigarettes outside of Faegan’s just to feel something.
Ever since that Evergreen ship was freed from the Suez Canal, you’ve felt empty inside. There’s something about those six days that made you feel so alive. Was it the memes? The gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss energy of the container ship? All we know is that you’re still left asking, “Why does everyone you love always leave?”
CAPRICORN
AQUARIUS
PISCES
As the semester comes to a close, Capricorn, you’re feeling a strong desire to get all your last-minute gradegrabbing in. Your participation was at an all-time low, but that’s not on you; it’s still a panorama! So don’t forget to pop OFF in that course evaluation about how your professor docked your essay for a “misuse” of the Oxford comma.
Darling Aquarius, we can see the number of succulents accumulating in your Zoom background, and it’s getting out of hand. We know your desire to nurture has led you to excessive plant purchasing, but it’s time to take that green thumb back outside to enjoy the spring air (and maybe get some vitamin D. You’re looking a little vampy).
There was negative energy in the air last month (okay, there’s always negative energy when Mercury is in retrograde), and for that, we’ll blame the February Pisces. But this month, March Pisces are ready to cause chaos in the best way they know – by playing the victim of Mercury in retrograde!
“Waking up in the morning, thinking about so many things” has taken on a whole new meaning for you, Libra. Your mind is preoccupied with upcoming finals, post-grad, and basically just never-ending anxieties of… life. Classic Libra — you’re indecisive, you can’t decide.
2-21
TAURUS
JERK
ARIES Aries season is now a thing of the past, but boy, did you find a way to make the entire month all about you! It’s okay, an Aries is gonna Aries. But now it’s time to practice some humility. Start a community fridge! Distribute free personal care items! You might even get some good karma out of it too, and what more could an Aries want than something in it for them?
